Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with elderly

How can I help my elderly father continue to live alone in a giant house?

suncoursing — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 16:20:17 -0800

How can I help my elderly father continue to live alone in a giant house? My father is in his late seventies, and it's a real chore for him to do things like shovel and rake leaves. I'm going to hire a service to handle plowing the driveway, and another to rake leaves and mow the lawn.

I noticed that his kitchen sink doesn't work while visiting for the Holidays. He said he called a plumber, but that it made more sense to wait until winer was past, but that's the same excuse he used last year! I'm going to hire a plumber to fix the sink, and I'll ask one of his friends to let me know when something's wrong with the house so I can get it fixed. What haven't I thought to do? What else should I be thinking about?

Anything resembling in-home care is probably not an option yet -- an acquaintance of his suggested getting a hearing aid, because his hearing has deteriorated to the point where he mishears pretty much everything, and he was angry about it for weeks, muttering about how he might as well give up and crawl into his grave is he's going to get a hearing aid.

I was talking with a friend of mine who went through the same thing with her grandmother, and she pointed out that I should get on waiting lists for assitsted living facilities and to make sure I get legal issues cleared up. Neither one of those things had occurred to me, so I'm probably missing a lot of other things, too.

Also, can anyone recommend a plumber, plowing service, a lawn service, and whatever else might be helpful in Madison, WI?

Looking for good books to help me age (> 65).

feelinggood — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 14:25:42 -0800

Any good books on old-aging? I'm looking for outstanding books that will help me get through the last 25 years or so of my life. I'm 65. I'm thinking more thoughtful-philosophical than health-medical. Not religious (specifically, although I don't mind some religion/spirituality mixed in). Practical, yes - although not interested in too much detail. Really don't want sentimental/feel good ("Live life to the fullest," "Count your blessings," "Accept your limitations," etc.); not that this is wrong, it's just that I already know it.

I'm particularly interested in hearing from the over-60 crowd, or from people who know of titles that real-live older people have found useful. Are there any books out there along the lines of "Things I know at 85 that I wish I had known at 65," or "Life begins at 65," or "What to do when you're 65 if you haven't already done it," or maybe even "Yeah, old age sucks, but . . . ."? Or a light-hearted look at preparing for death?

I own and enjoy very much Roger Rosenblatt's Rules for Aging.

Help me help her

yawper — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 09:39:54 -0800

How to help an elderly family friend with homecare, meals, transportation and other general stuff? What services are available in Ontario, Canada and how best do I navigate them? A close family friend is in need of help. Mary is elderly (86) and lives with her husband (95). They have virtually no family to help them, and she is doing everything herself. She's got osteoporosis and a bad back (along with the other issues that tend to accompany old age). Her husband is worse off. He had been battling a bad cough for a couple weeks and recently ended up in the hospital for 5 days. He's been home now for a week and a half and improving, but Mary is in a desperate situation...caring for him all alone.

There are a few issues I want to help her with. We are in Ontario, Canada.

- Home care for her husband. He is a veteran so entitled to some benefits. She’s been in contact with someone from the veterans’ affairs office, but it seems like a long process to get something concrete established. Does anyone have any advice on getting through this process quickly?

- Home help for Mary. She has difficulty doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. I will be calling CCAC this afternoon to find out what public services she might be entitled to. Can anyone tell me what I can expect? Services provided, frequency of visits, etc.

- Meals. Her husband is entitled to Meals on Wheels though his veteran's benefits, but Mary is not. Do you know of any other services that might help them in this regard?

- Transportation. Her 95-year-old husband still drives them to doctor’s appointments. Are there services for this?

Lastly, what can I physically and financially do to help her? She has always been very proud and independent and hates to ask for help, but is incredibly grateful when she gets it. I live 1.5 hours away from her so I can visit her about once a month for a whole day. Besides doing her groceries, cleaning up the house, cooking for her, and leaving her with gift cards for groceries and gas, what other little things might help her? I’m fortunate to never have been in the position of caring for an elderly or sick person; I don’t know what I’m missing.

Yes, I know this can be sensitive territory, but I will not be stepping on anyone’s toes (i.e. her children are not in the picture). She has no advocate and virtually no support. She called me because she needed someone to vent to. I offered to help her with this and she readily agreed.

Simplistic front end for Windows?

jorlando — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 16:16:17 -0800

Is there an ultra-simple and bullet proof front end for MS Windows thats suitable for elderly folks? My dad is 87 and uses his computer for very basic things like Skype, email, and limited web browsing. He's always messing up his desktop or losing icons because of uncoordinated and impatient mousing. Sometimes he opens applications by accident or gets confused by notifications and solicitations that pop up. He hasn't been scammed but probably is at risk no matter how much I warn him.

He lives alone so the computer is an important lifeline for him. I've been able to help somewhat by remoting with VNC but sometimes he kills his connection and cant get the computer online

I'd like to install some kind of Windows shell for him that enables only those features that he needs and isolates him from everything else. It will turn off drag and drop and the need to double-click anything. A one-button mouse would be good too.

It doesn't even need to be Windows based if it supports Skype and web browsing

Any ideas?

Thanks

Good Phone for the Could You Speak Up A Little Crowd

DU — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 08:22:46 -0800

Loud, clear, land-line phone without feedback whine? I don't know if we are hard of hearing, or getting old or what, but I and especially my wife have a hard time hearing what people say on our landline phone. We turned up the volume to the loudest it goes and it's still not loud enough. This is a corded phone, btw.

Worse, the sound from the mic is feed to the speaker (I guess because otherwise you can't hear what you are saying? huh?). With the volume set high, this causes terrible feedback whine.

We tried a second phone and had the same problem. Are there phones out there that don't feed the mic to the speaker? Or that otherwise filter the whine out? Or simply a clearer, louder phone without me having to know how they made that happen?

We'd rather not spend $300 on a Special Phone but I do realize that we'll probably have to spend more than the $15 cheapest-they-had model.

Flipping off the nursing home for Christmas

ormondsacker — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 09:46:31 -0800

My grandmother is sharp, independent, and in good health. but she's beginning to need a walker for long periods upright. What gift could help her function better around the house? Mama L. has owned her own home, in her tiny town without a lot in the way of nursing services, for fifty years - and she's hoping to hold onto it for a while longer, anyway. There are catalogs full of telescoping grabber arms and such, but I'm hoping for your personal experiences with decreased-mobility friends and relatives. What helped? Is there some particular unexpected gadget or device that makes household chores less of a pain, when the user can't stand unassisted for long?

Hot for Grandma?

Bardolph — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 08:32:55 -0800

How do men's patterns of sexual attraction change as they age? That is, are older guys really attracted to older partners, or are they just being polite/settling for what they can get? Mostly just curious, but I've always been puzzled by the contradictory info one gets on sexuality and aging. On the one hand, related things like sexual orientation/fetishes don't magically change over the years, and since desire patterns are probably hardwired during adolescence, why would someone who's turned on by hot 20-year-olds at age 20 suddenly change that at age 40?

On the other hand, plenty of men seem to have active sexual relationships with their contemporaries well into old age-- the same guys who, presumably, would at age 20 have been horrified by the idea of sex with a 60+-year-old.

Obviously there'll be lots of individual variation, but I'm wondering-- what gives? Is it really common for men's fantasies to age as they age? Do older guys genuinely get turned on by/ desire the older women they sleep with, or is there some creative imaginative work going on to get them through the act? (Not asking about women because I am one, so I figure I'll find out firsthand as time goes by). Oh, and pls. none of the standard sentimental answers-- "sex is more about the connection," "Personality counts for more," etc., unless you (a) are a guy, and (b) can personally attest firsthand that these are accurate for you. Thanks!

How to get a job when I'm a retired 65-year-old schoolteacher?

feelinggood — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 19:08:36 -0800

I'm 65 years old in Toronto. How can I get a job? I taught school (elementary and high school English) for 32 years. Retired 10 years ago. I have a Master of Library Science and worked as a school librarian. Have worked (in the past 10 years - all short term) as a courier, a business researcher for a tax firm, a retail sales person, and a public librarian. Have very little self confidence, especially with the economy in the tank.
Any practical suggestions or tips? Any government programs?

The "Working through the golden years: jobs for seniors" thread is 2 years old. Any new insights? Thanks.

Best digital audio recording device for elderly people?

1001 questions — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 10:27:10 -0800

Best digital audio recording device for elderly people? I'd like to start recording some family history via digital audio devices. The recording will be done by the person speaking so I'd like to find one that is fairly simply to operate.

Some requirements:

- Easy to make recordings (i.e. no super tiny buttons that are hard to figure out).
- Doesn't matter if it's "hard" to delete a recording as they can just avoid doing deletions.
- Non-removable storage might be fine (they could simply mail me the device) but there needs to be a method for me to download the files to a Mac. Removable storage would be preferred though.
- Ability to make/record lengthy files (i.e. an hour or more).
- Decent sound quality. It doesn't have to be pro-quality audio, but on the other hand I want a fair amount of clarity. I imagine most (or all) of the recordings will take place in a fairly quiet interior location, so the device's mic will likely be used. If sound quality results are poor (or if it's easier for the person speaking) I may get an external mic.

Other options I have tossed out:

- Using a video camera. May be used in the future for scheduled interviews, but not worth the hassle for on-the-spot memory recordings when the speaker is worried about how they look.
- Recording via phone (either to voice mail or during a conversation being recorded on the other end). Sound quality is a bit lower (especially if they are using a cell phone). Recording phone conversations have their place, but it's not what I'm going for here.
- Recording to a pc. Not too convenient as they'd have to boot it up, sit in a certain spot, etc. A cheap laptop may work better, but then there are user interface issues.

I've read some past threads/questions about digital audio recorders, but they are from some years ago and I know a host of newer equipment has some out since then. So what are some good devices to look at?

Should I buy my mother an iMac?

Joe in Australia — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 00:32:21 -0800

Should I get my aging, computer-clumsy mother an iMac, or just buy her a bigger screen for her Windows machine? My mother uses her computer to play bridge, read her email (via Gmail), do her banking, and occasionally write letters. She is really bad at computer hygiene and I've had to clean viruses off her computer more than once - she will click on things that tell her to click them. This scares me, because she also uses her computer to do her banking.

I've suggested getting her an iMac, and she's cool with the idea. A larger screen would be part of the package, and that would definitely help her. The advantages of getting a Mac are that it comes with Applecare and it's less likely she'll install malware. The downside is that she's not great with computers and she might find the learning curve too steep. I know that the cost of an iMac will pay for a lot of computer support - but would that be as good as Applecare for someone who just needs her hand held?

What are people's thoughts on this?

How do I find accountants and financial advisers for my elderly California Mom and her trust?

Anonymous — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 06:00:44 -0800

How do I find accountants and financial advisers for my elderly California Mom and her trust? Several years ago, Mom moved to California after her stroke to be near family. She has been very stubborn about keeping her out-of-state accountant and stock broker and bristles at the thought of changing them. Now Mom is 87, in assisted living and getting very forgetful. It's time to find advisers that are closer.

I've been chosen to look for:
1. A local accountant / CPA to advise us on tax issues and the trust.
2. A local financial adviser (may be included with #1?).
3. A local stock broker.
Local = Walnut Creek, CA area. Bonus for Wells Fargo.

I need advice on finding the right people, what kind of questions to ask when interviewing them and any other helpful tips or resources.

Thanks Mefi!

Looking for something between assisted-living and a live-in-nurse. Help?

xotis — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 04:35:37 -0800

GrandmaHelp Filter: What's the name for a live-in assistant/nurse who visits the house of an elderly person 3-5 days a week, helps them with grocery shopping, etc? What's the best way to find referrals for quality people that perform this service in South Florida? My grandmother's health is failing. She's in her mid-90s and in Florida. My family and I are in the midwest. She'd prefer to not go into an assisted living facility. All of us have jobs that can afford us to visit every few months, but none of us can stay down there long term. She owns her condo on the 20th floor of a high-rise in North Miami Beach. She requires a walker to get around and her hearing is failing.

My family would like to hire someone like a nurse to visit her 3-5 times a week to help check up on her health, but to also spend a few hours with her. This person would potentially take her food shopping, or do her food shopping for her. Help her with laundry and putting the food away. Help with meal preperation. Etc.

1.) Is there name for this type of person?

2.) What's the best way to find this type of person?
- When she was in the hospital recently, an orderly stole cash out of her purse while she was using the bathroom. Trust levels are low right now so we're wary of just picking a random company name in the yellow pages without a referral. So, are there sites where there are ratings and reviews for people/services like this? Without knowing what they're called, or what to search for, I'm not sure where to begin.

3.) What should we expect to spend on services like this? We're not wealthy, so we need to be budget conscious.

4.) Is there anything else we should be thinking of?

When I say above that her health is failing. She's just getting more and more fragile given her age. Her vital organs will likely start to shut down in the near future according to a doctor. Mentally she's fairly sound with no signs of alzheimers or dementia.

This has been emotionaly trying for my mother so I'm trying to help her, and my grandmother, by asking this question.

Thank you for your help!

We need a bulldog minus the 70 pounds of drool and extensive health problems.

whoaali — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 13:27:42 -0800

My grandma's beloved bulldog just died, so grandma needs a new dog so that well she doesn't go the same way as her bulldog. Help me find a good breed/mixed breed for her to adopt! So my grandma is in her early 80's and lives alone, but is fairly disabled. Her old english bulldog was very sassy and demanding and that seemed to suit her very well.

My grandma lives in a big house with a big yard for the dog, but she wouldn't be able to walk the dog (this was fine for her old dog because the bulldog wouldn't walk past the driveway, literally we tried there was no way she was leaving the house by any other means than a car or maybe a motorized cart if the option had ever been made available to her). We would probably be able to arrange for family, neighbors, or the kids of my grandmother's maid or gardener (who she is pretty close to) to walk the dog once or twice a week, but otherwise it would have to be a breed that is pretty low energy and would be content with a yard.

A smaller to possibly medium sized dog would be best. A size where it could comfortably sit on the other side of her bed. Very affectionate breed is a must as my grandmother enjoys spending a lot of time with her dog. Watching movies, making meals, going to the supermarket, that sort of thing. There is virtually no life activity that my grandmother would not want to bring her dog too.

Relatively few health problems would also be a plus, although I realize with pure breeds this can be a tall order.

My grandmother is also willing to personally cook whatever complex dietary regime the dog may require, so food requirements are no concern.

My grandmother would also like a dog with "good eyes" you know big staring ones like a bulldog, she believes this fosters a better human to dog connection.

I know a lot of people are going to say just go to the pound, but I don't think that is going to work as my grandmother is the type to want to know all about the breed before getting one. She is a life long bulldog lover and this is her first foray into other breeds. I could probably talk her into a mixed breed however, but I don't know much about mixed breeds. We would probably be getting an older dog from a dog rescue as opposed to a puppy, as grandma is very worried about the dog outliving her and being sent to a shelter if none of us were in a position to take the dog (which given various family members' allergies is a pretty high chance).

I realize some people may object to someone in her physical condition getting a dog, but trust me this dog will be loved and adored like no other.

Surviving the weekend with my cranky right-wing grandparents.

desjardins — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 08:14:31 -0800

My elderly grandparents live 45 minutes south of Orlando. My husband and I are visiting them next weekend. What do we do while we're there to minimize drama and maybe have a bit of fun? First of all, I am not close to them at all, and am really only visiting them because my grandfather is seriously ill and this may be the last opportunity to see him. I honestly do not enjoy spending time with them. Their political and religious views are 180 degrees from mine and 145 degrees from my husband's, so those are topics to avoid. They're extremely racist, and while I've learned to keep my mouth shut (given that it won't change anything), my (white) husband reacts strongly to racial slurs. Neither of them understand our (technical) career fields, so we can't talk about that. They don't have hobbies besides watching TV so nothing to talk about there. There is all kinds of family drama that my grandmother just loves to bring up, and I don't want to discuss that, especially since their treatment of my cousin before his suicide is an extremely sore point with me.

The drama has started before we're even there - they're insisting on picking us up at the airport (orlando) even though they're extremely dangerous drivers and I've already booked a rental car. They want me to cancel the rental car - at this point I'd be eating the fee since it's through Priceline and there's no-cancellation policy. My mother has written me emails on how to tiptoe around their preferences and eccentricities.

My husband and I are extremely stressed by a recent move and job/economic insecurity, and this trip just feels like a burden at this point. Yet I want to make it somewhat enjoyable if at all possible. My grandfather can barely leave the house, not only because he's physically ill but because he's bipolar and frequently severely depressed. My grandmother likes to go shopping, etc., but tires very quickly. What the heck can we do for 4 days? I don't mind driving to Orlando or Tampa or points in between.

Aside: I would really prefer air-conditioned activities as I get heatstroke easily (and I can't imagine the heat would be good for 80-somethings either).

California elder care question... Is this legit??

jbenben — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 09:51:27 -0800

California: anyone know what government entity reimburses the elderly for home care? Is it local, state, or federal program? Or perhaps a charity?? Asking for a friend who has an elderly neighbor that offered her a "job." She can't ask neighbor questions directly at this time, so if anyone out there has insight - thanks!

The elderly neighbor offered her a small job doing errands and helping around the house, keeping alert when neighbor is in the bath (in case they fall and there is no one around to help) etc. Neighbor claims they get reimbursed by the government (or via some entity - this part was vague!) for the hours worked. All that is required is for the worker (my friend) to sign a paper/former confirming the hours worked and amount paid.

Is this legit? What entity facilitates this type of financial compensation?

My understanding of the sitch is that the elderly neighbor pays the worker (my friend), the worker signs something stipulating payment was received, and then payment is reimbursed to the elderly neighbor.

We think it sounds fishy. Or maybe care for the elderly really is subsidized to this extent and we've just never heard about it before?? For sure, my friend has no medical training or anything like, and we can not imagine some gov't entity just doles out money so easily without licenses or degrees.

Thoughts?

How to protect an elderly man who keeps giving money to a con artist?

Redruin — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 21:22:07 -0800

How do we protect an elderly man who keeps voluntarily giving money to a con artist? So on Monday a stranger flagged down my grandfather ouside a hospital and told him a sad story about how his car was stolen and he needed money for various things. My trusting 88 year old good catholic grandfather believes him and drives him around and gives him money, and now it's the end of the week and every day the guy has promised to pay, but ends up calling him up with another story about his bad luck, and getting more money out of him.

My grandfather suffers from various physical ailments which sometimes impair his ability to reason and remember things, and think rationally. He hasn't asked for the guy's full name, doesn't know where he lives, and has never seen any corroborating evidence for any of the stories the guy has told him. Of course my grandfather, perhaps hoping to store treasure in heaven, continues to believe every word, and loses hundreds of dollars every day.

So we filed a police report, but they said they can't do anything at all if he is giving the money voluntarily. So the question is... what kind of recourse do we have?

Should we get a PI to investigate the guy? Is there no legal remedy for this? Or do we have to get vigilante?... Any interesting ideas would be appreciated. It's pretty crucial for me to get this solved as soon as possible, and we are sort of worried about what this guy may be capable of.

How do you rent walkers/mobility aids in Scotland?

nangua — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 08:27:32 -0800

Where can I rent a rolling walker to help my future Grandmother-in-Law getting around for a few weeks in Scotland? I just moved to the Aberdeen from the USA to get married and in the chaos of arranging a wedding, I'm trying to be helpful by finding ways for my fiancee's grandmother to get around. My future Grandma-in-Law is from Australia and usually uses a walker something like this. She isn't able to bring it with her and I'm looking to rent/buy used a similar one for up to £50 for her three week stay. Is there a way to do this? Where would I look and who would I ask?

How can we help my elderly grandfather be happier?

harnharn — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 08:58:27 -0800

How can we help my elderly grandfather be happier? A retired Mennonite dairy farmer, my grandpa is not one to indulge activities for their own sake. Productivity has always been his prime value. For most of his life he was happy and productive. Now, post valve-replacement and stomach ulcer surgeries, he’s barely able to walk and he’s too proud to use a walker or a wheelchair, though we’re working on this. He spends most of the day sitting in his overstuffed recliner and driving my (healthy and active) grandma nuts. I suspect he’s depressed, though he’s surprisingly alert and eager when spoken to.

My question: what sort of activities could we set him to that he wouldn’t reject out of hand as frivolous (or feminine – knitting is out)? I’m thinking of something he could do while sitting that would result in a product. His fine motor skills are not great.

P.S. I take it for granted that he may need counseling and (psychological) medication, but his tolerance for these is limited. We may have to work on that too.

How do I not get taken advantage of ?

Taurid — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 15:10:50 -0800

What is the best approach for me to take and continue helping my senior neighbor out without being taken advantage of by her and/or her children? I have an elderly neighbor ( in her eighties) who my family has been helping for the last 17 years. We've done things like cut the grass, clear her driveway ( and sidewalk) of ice and snow, drove her and her husband (before he passed away two years ago) as well as taken her to appointments, out for suppers, and on day trips, etc. Recently however, she has been having fainting spells and her heart is not that good. There is a good possibility of her driving license being canceled because of her health. She is very upset about losing her independence. She has three children, two of them have licenses to drive, have their own vehicles, and are capable of taking her places but seldom volunteer to. They live close by. My neighbor lives alone in her own home.

Need V-Day Card Sentiments for the Elderly Please

3fluffies — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 07:06:41 -0800

I recently volunteered for a community project to make homemade Valentine's Day cards for local elderly residents. I'm enjoying making the cards, but I suddenly find my mind blank! I need to come up with some good sayings/sentiments/quotes to put in the cards. These will all be for people I've never met, so that knocks out a lot of the usual sayings. Since a good deal of these people do not have family around, I'd love it if I could say something that will make them smile. I just know you guys will have some great ideas! THANKS!

Parent Filter: What can I do about this parent/child role reversal that is poisoning my mind and my life and how can I let this parent know that even though I love them dearly I will not continue to let them manipulate me and dump all of their responsibilities on to my plate???

Anonymous — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 17:36:49 -0800

Parent Filter: What can I do about this parent/child role reversal that is poisoning my mind and my life and how can I let this parent know that even though I love them dearly I will not continue to let them manipulate me and dump all of their responsibilities on to my plate??? Long story short, my widowed mother (who is young by definition - late sixties) let her life go to hell in a hand basket. My DH and I moved her in with us so that we could give her care and keep her from living the horrible existence that she was (dirty house, unable to take care of the pets she had, not eating right - living off of crap - and not managing her severe diabetes). When we moved her in with us, my DH and I were both 27 years old and had only been married for 5 months. That was over 3 years ago.

She doesn't give a damn about her health and always has a convenient excuse to justify what she feels like doing or not doing. She almost put herself in a diabetic coma once because she didn't manage her diabetes even though the doctor had clearly ordered her to do so. Obviously it is perfectly fine to eat a huge tin of peppermint bark that you had hidden in your room and then try to balance it out with insulin injections.... Right! And she has so many health conditions (osteoarthritis, obesity, fibromyalgia, SEVERE diabetes and the many complications that are resulting from the diabetes) not to mention her appalling lack of self-maintenance and personal hygiene... Two months ago, she fell and broke her leg. She wound up in the hospital and had to have surgery to repair the break. This has left her as non-weight bearing for 3 months. She is obese and cannot walk without a walker when she has two legs to walk on. So she has had to go to a nursing home until she can rehabilitate but has been very unhappy about that reality and has tried to get out of the rehab requirement on more than one occasion. She actually told my husband and I that she would be fine if she would just sit at home in her recliner while we went to work and if we made her some PBJ sandwiches and a glass of water so she could make it through the day until we got home. This is crazy... We told her no and I don't think she gets it.....

She has alienated my other siblings through her master manipulator bullshit and as a result I have lost one of my siblings (no longer speaks to my mother or myself) and the other is only helping out/sticking around because they love me and want to support me/not leave me hanging. My mother has nothing to do all day long but sit around and read trashy novels, but somehow she can't seem to manage making her own doctor appointments (even though I set up a HIGHLY convenient calender which has everyone's schedule on it - hence eliminating the excuse of 'I can't make appointments since I don't know what your schedules are and someone has to take me to the doctor). Did I forget to mention that she quit driving for no particular reason?

My husband and I have REPEATEDLY sat down with her and told her that her current situation and methodology in handling it has been unacceptable. Take a shower, change your clothes, wash your hair, eat right, exercise wherever and however you can, and for the love of god, start acting like a member of the living human race!!! Now last time I checked, she was not declared mentally incompetent and I was not appointed as her guardian. In my mind, this means that my family and I do what we need to do in order to make her life at home comfortable within reason. This does not mean that I am supposed to be her personal assistant/secretary and that she can just sit back and be the Queen of Sheba with no responsibilities what so ever. It also does not mean that she can just sit there and let herself be filthy and stink just because it takes so much effort to take a shower. And god forbid she does take that shower and clean herself up! Then she can't do anything for the rest of the day because it "took so much out of" her...

Yes, I am at fault for allowing this behavior to go on for as long as I have. But I have had my awakening and I also have a infant son who needs his mother since he is in fact a baby and cannot take care of himself. Therefore here are the questions that I have at hand:

# 1 - How can I convey that I am done catering to her, that she is an adult and needs to be responsible for herself and that I am invoking the protective shield of self-preservation immediately?

#2 - Once I have established the bare minimum requirements for her, how do enforce them? I know that one thing I can use is "if you don't/can't meet these expectations then we aren't equipped to take care of you anymore". The only problem with that is that it will become an empty threat if used too much. What other repercussions can I use?

# 3 - How can I break free of her manipulation of me through guilt? I need to rid myself of those shackles in order to be strong and not allow further mind games by the master manipulator.

Please feel free to e-mail me with any questions that you might have or any suggestions you can offer. I've set up a throw-away email address at: preserving.my.sanity@gmail.com

How can I leave my 90-something relatives behind?

Anonymous — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 18:35:54 -0800

How can I move out of my hometown and leave my elderly relatives all alone? (posted anonymously so my workplace doesn't know I'm fixing to leave).

My wife and I were both born in this small to medium sized town where we still live. We are in our mid 30's and have George Bailey syndrome--we've dreamed of moving to a bigger city (with warmer weather). While moving in the past has been just something we wanted, now it's becoming a matter where we have to move or let our careers stagnate. We've been fortunate enough to climb the corporate ladders at a good clip, and there simply aren't very many opportunities left for us in our geographic area. But should we move to a larger market, there are a ton of opportunities for us to continue.

But what's holding us back is my godparents. Not a blood relative, they were close friends of my parents and are to me what most people's grandparents are to them. With absentee parents, my godparents practically raised me for most of my youth.

But now they're in their early 90's. Due to their age, most of their friends have died. Due to a family rift, I no longer speak to my parents or other siblings in the area, and neither do my godparents. This has left us in the uncomfortable situation of being my godparents only social outlet, and caretaker.

When we have talked about moving away in the past, my godparents have reacted with hurt and scorn, and have straight out said to us they want us to stay in this town until they are dead, and that they are old so it won't be much longer. However, I do not want to sit in this town on a deathwatch, waiting for these people I love to die. More, while they are in their 90s, they are both in excellent health and my godmother's mother lived well past 100.

We have even broached the topic of them moving with us, but they built their house off my godfather's plans in the 60s and plan on dying in that house; they refuse to leave.

But we can't bear to stay in this town until we're in our 50's, focusing more on retirement than career advancement.

How can we balance our love for our elderly relatives with our desire to move the hell out of this town?

Skin specialist in Melbourne AU?

Coaticass — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 17:07:24 -0800

Can anyone personally recommend a skin specialist in Melbourne, Australia? I wondered if anyone could recommend a good skin specialist in Melbourne (AU) for a VERY difficult elderly relative who has a history of nasty spots needing removal. Someone with good people skills who is prepared to explain everything in great detail. Alternatively- how can I find such a one? I'm afraid I don't know how to google for personal recommendations. His GP has apparently run out of suggestions (all were rejected) and/or saint-like patience- it had to happen eventually.

If it feels weird to post your recs here, there's always MeFi mail or email: coati dot cass at gmail dot com.

Nursing Home/ Hair Care Filter: How can I wash her hair without actually washing it?

lrkuperman — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 08:42:03 -0800

Nursing Home/ Hair Care Filter: How can I wash her hair without actually washing it? Is it possible to help my bedridden mother keep her hair clean without washing it? Long story short, my mom who is mobility impaired fell down about a month ago; she broke her leg and badly bruised her tail bone in the process. The break was bad enough to require surgery and now she is bedridden for the next 2 months. Until 2 weeks ago she was in the hospital which fortunately had a on site salon which provided in room/ in bed services such as shampoo and style for a nominal fee. For the time being she is in a nursing home, recovering from her surgery and waiting for her leg to heal. So until she can bear weight on that leg and begin rehabilitation they (the nursing home staff) are giving her bed baths but they do not do anything about her hair.

How can I keep her hair clean for 2 months without actually being able to wash it? I've heard of dry shampoos but I am under the impression that it is not a long term solution. Am I wrong in this assumption? Also if dry shampoo is the answer to this conundrum, where would I find it and which brand should I get?

How can I tolerate gatherings more?

arniec — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 09:51:42 -0800

With the holidays coming I find my inability to tolerate some family members and listen to the inane chatter that fills the room. I am often visually unhappy about the situation. How can I tolerate such gatherings in a way that at least makes it appear I'm not so unhappy? (Bonus points if I'm ACTUALLY not so unhappy). Let me start by saying I am not generally anti-social. I have been called "life of the party" a few times, though my personality does tend to be more introverted than extroverted. However, I've finally pinpointed something--I really only do well in social situations with people where there are things in common, things to talk about, and usually with people within 10 years of my own age.

If I am with friends or even people I don't know who are generally in my age range I am able to be social, have congenial conversation, and enjoy myself in the process. I find myself able to discuss literature, history, current events, food, movies, music, pop culture, video games, human relations, etc. all fairly easily and I have true interest in those discussions so I am engaged and enjoy myself in those situations.

But if you remove those topics I find myself unable to engage in conversation. I know nothing of sports and can only take so much of hearing about people's kids or the trivialities of their jobs.

In business gatherings I can usually chime in when conversations reach topics I know of, or am interested in, be silent during sports or children conversations, and usually enough work is discussed to keep things moving along amicably.

I am not so lucky when dealing with my in-laws and my elderly relatives.

They are hard core conservatives in life and politics, and my wife and I are very liberal people, so discussing politics, social situations, etc. is upsetting to all involved (dinners were tense during the Obama campaign let me tell you). None of our family really follows the news, nor do they enjoy any of the same leisures in life that we enjoy (reading, movies, television, video games).

I am not judging them, but we are just all very different people, and truthfully not very interested in each other's daily mundane lives. Rarely does anything occur (a birth, a death, a job change) that prompts true conversation leaving us with just idle chit chat. While we all travel for various purposes, such discussion of the trips usually are less than 10 minutes long. As we all live in the same city we see each other at least twice or more a month, meaning there isn't time to build up a reserve of topics for the next gathering and there isn't much to talk about.

Yet talk they do. I hear uninteresting stories about people I've never met and will likely never meet, such as my Mother-In-Law's coworker situations or my Godmother's grandniece. If the stories were truly interesting then I might be engaged, but it's usually along the lines of "so-and-so is now entering the 5th grade. She's really smart for her age. The braces come off soon.", and since I've never met these people I don't care. And I'm not good at faking it.

Likewise, they do not care to hear much about our lives. While we can discuss work, we know it is not interesting to other people if we tell the minutia of our day to day routines (yet they are not so considerate to not bore us with the minutia of their routines). More, our biggest hobbies are not shared, and due to ours being generational specific (toy collecting, video games) they are often met with condescension by this AARP enrolled crowd. After a few subtle jabs at our maturity, still playing video games in our 30s, we have ceased bringing up anything about our leisure activities, glossing over the aspects of our life that they frown upon.

This leaves us with nothing to discuss.

After about 45 minutes of being around these people, feeling on stage, struggling to find anything to talk about, my demeanor starts to worsen. During the first of two Thanksgiving gatherings this past weekend, on the first we were the last to arrive and, 2.5 hours later, the first to leave. On the second, which we hosted, after 3.5 hours I just had to excuse myself and go lay down.

Liquor doesn't help, it actually makes me LESS tolerant.

What can I do to be more amicable and a better host in these situations? Or more importantly, is there any way I can actually enjoy these get-togethers with people where I have nothing in common to discuss?