Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with eatingdisorder

Unblocking the emotional dam - slowly!

Anonymous — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 08:30:12 -0800

How can I make space for my emotions and feel safe letting myself feel them? I've recently started seeing a psychologist, who pointed out last week that despite being female, I have a very "masculine" way of dealing with things - or rather, not dealing with them. I hadn't actually noticed until she said it, but my entire life I've kind of shut off any "weak" emotions - even as a child I only cried once in primary school - and tried to just be stoic about things. I used to think this was a good thing but I'm beginning to realise it's not really helping me. I am now in recovery for an eating disorder which for a long time I didn't even realise I had, and now that I am not using starvation as a coping method, I'm aware that a lot of painful stuff is bubbling just beneath the surface and it's going to have to come out some time but I'm afraid to go there - meanwhile, I'm getting bouts of depression etc. A year ago I left a very unhealthy relationship totally heartbroken and destroyed. I tried to deal with this in the way a guy would (never speak of it again + conquests) but I know it's just a temporary measure and I'm STILL not over it. All the hurtful things in my life I've always just acted like they didn't affect me and belittled with jokes if anyone asked. But underneath I feel like something is broken inside me and I'm too scared to touch it in case I fall right apart. I have trouble sleeping and lots of bad dreams. I know I have to face this but my therapist appointments are a week apart.

I'm looking for any tips on how to go about this (I have tried journalling and writing unsent letters but am looking for other ideas, especially for when it's dark and quiet and these thoughts start to come up) - just blocking it out and trying to hurriedly move on with my life doesn't seem to be working anymore but I don't want to get "stuck" in this stuff either. Meditation techniques or something might be good. Maybe if I can set aside a half hour each day or something? There are some things that I almost start to think about but then it feels like putting my hand back in a fire that burnt me once so I quickly change the subject in my head. What would happen if I allow myself to go there? Should I? Can one really "process" past hurt or is it masochistic to revisit it in your head? Is it necessary?

What's worked for you? How do you process really painful stuff? Were you scared that you'd lose yourself in the grief? Is it a good or bad idea to talk to people (friends) about this stuff or better to just continue to pretend to be ok? Anecdotes and advice appreciated!

How do I get out of social food situations?

Anonymous — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 08:56:12 -0800

How can I avoid social meals gracefully when I have an eating disorder? I have an eating disorder (not eating enough food and not eating a wide range of foods) which really prevents me from engaging in social meals. I like socializing and I'm really outgoing, but when food is involved I feel self-conscious because I know I can't or won't eat much or any of it. When invited out for drinks I go almost every time, but for meals I make up an excuse or simply avoid the person for a short period.

I feel bad because I can't enjoy something which is normal for most people, but I feel worse because I can never give a straight answer to people who invite me for meals. I'm sure they think I hate them, and would like a good way of excusing myself from meals/food situations. I really want to be able to say, "I can't do this, so don't invite me, but also please don't pry into my problem." How can I say this in a way that is clear but polite?

I'm female, late 20s, and I live with some of the people who ask me out for meals. I've never been diagnosed with a problem, and am not seeing anybody about it. However, I am making good but slow progress and think I will be capable of dealing with these situations in a few years. I don't need help in that way.

I am living a wasted life. Tell me how to live.

Anonymous — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 13:56:01 -0800

I am living a wasted life. Depressed and stuck. I know this question has been asked a million times in a million different ways by a million different people. But I want to ask it myself, and hear what you say to me, because I am at the end of my rope. I am weeks away from my 33rd birthday. I am 200 lbs. overweight. I am separated from my husband of 5 years, and in the midst of getting a divorce. I never really was in love with him (he was a good friend, but not a person I ever was sexually attracted to. I am sure he was never attracted to me either). I think we married each other because we were both lost and didn't know what else to do.

I am sad over the end of the marriage, not because I fell out of love, but because it is a wake-up call that I wasted years of my life. I lived years of my life in a marraige, and now that it has ended, nothing has changed. I failed, and I am still the same paralyzed, reclusive, anxious, undependable, scared girl.

Earlier this year/late last year I was out of work for about 3 months due to depression, and luckily I still have a job. I just missed 4 more days of work. I don't know what happens to me. I am fine for months at a time, but then I wake up one morning and just. can't. get. in. the. shower. I sit in bed paralyzed with the thought of facing the day. That leads me to a downward spiral of missing days and days of work. I was suicidal late last year, I'm not now. I'm stuck.

I can't get myself to do even the most simple of things, like changing the cat litter, cleaning the apartment, answering the phone. I have mental blocks. If I have to pee, I will literally sit and debate with myself for an hour over whether to get up and go to the bathroom. I will sit for days knowing that I should get out and exercise, but instead I will watch tv, or lurk on mefi. I love food, and have an emotional relationship with food, but the thought of having to cook a healthy meal makes me tired before I even start.

While I'm at work or forced to be in a social environment, I am different. I am "on" - I talk and joke and do quality work. But it's just a shell that can be so easily broken, and has been.

I have friends but I loose them because I don't communicate with them because I can't bear the thought of leaving my home to meet with them or pick up the phone and call them.

Things you should know:

1. I am currently on anti-depressants, and see a psychiatrist about once a month for medication management. I have been on and off various anti-depressants for about 10 years and will continue to work with my current doctor to get the right combo of medication that works for me. But I also know that drugs can't solve everything.

2. I know I need to go to therapy. I KNOW this. I go, once, twice, then I stop. I think I found a good therapist, so how do I make myself go?

3. I know I need to go to bed earlier. I know I need to exercise. I know I need to eat less and eat healthier. I know I need to maintain relationships. I know I need to find activities. So far I haven't been able to do any of these things for extended periods of time.

I want your advice on how to live my life. I am like a 33 year old infant. I am completely overwhelmed. I don't know how to function as a human being. I think I will die and I will still be the same stale, lifeless person. I will have lived a wasted life. I'm really am not living, I'm only breathing. Can you tell me anything to help me?

email: wastedlife1@gmail.com

Thinking my way to recovery from an ED

Anonymous — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 12:19:16 -0800

Help me take control of thoughts that make me feel like an ugly giant. I'm recovering from an eating disorder and I'm really struggling. I've been referred to a psychologist and had my first appointment yesterday (after a long wait), and I know it's going to take quite a long time to make any real progress there. In the mean time, I'm looking for any help I can get.

I've gained 7kg and am now at a "healthy weight" but sometimes I feel disgustingly huge, even though I can rationally tell myself that at my old weight I didn't have periods, my hair was falling out etc, despite the fact that I didn't feel that thin. Some days I look at myself and I look quite pretty and healthy and I feel great, other days I look absolutely massive and awful and feel embarrassed to go out, and then of course I can't bring myself to eat since I'm "already so big" and then I start getting physically weak and realise that I have to eat even though I don't feel hungry, but get really anxious about actually eating and don't want to do it, or feel really guilty when I do, like I'm a fat kid stuffing her face with cake, even though I'm only eating natural, whole foods. Often I regret having eaten and try to burn it off with excessive exercise.

Obviously my appearance can't be changing that dramatically from day to day, so I know it's got to be in my head, but it's hard to keep that in perspective when with my own eyes I'm seeing someone very large and lumpy. I've been trying to fill a blank book with resources to help me when I get stuck in that bad mental headspace. For example, last time I was too emaciated to get out of bed, I wrote a list of all the things I like doing that I can't do when I'm skinny, but can do even when i'm fat, so that's in the book, (as is that "fantasy of being thin" article), which I try to flick through when I start feeling yuck. I guess I'm looking to crowd out my unhelpful thoughts with other ideas so that sensible logic wins out and I can enjoy my life. When I cut down my eating my hormones go all funny and I get hot flushes and night sweats and disturbed sleep, and feel too exhausted to socialise/go to work etc - I don't want to live my life like this anymore!

Any suggestions for things I can tell myself, or that I can write down/print out for my book, would be much appreciated. In particular I'm looking for help in breaking the "you're disgustingly huge, why would you be needing all those calories?" line of thinking and help to see my appearance more consistently every day but anything you think would be helpful would be welcomed.

Eating and Body Image

GComes — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 13:23:43 -0800

Help me put my eating and body image issues into perspective. Sorry, this is going to be long. I grew up in Los Angeles, land of the thin and beautiful. I was always overweight as a child, not obese but certainly not slim like most of my friends or the women I looked up to in fashion magazines and on TV. Weight was always a big issue in my family and it was basically not acceptable to not be dieting at any given time. My weight haunted me until my senior year of high school when I feared that going off to UCLA fat would leave me friendless and alone. So I stopped eating.

Fast forward several months. I had been hospitalized three times and been in an in-patient program for anorexia. I was finally skinny but I was sick and depressed and a shell of my former self. Sadly though, I got more compliments for the way I looked during this time then any other period of my life, leading me to believe that that body is really what people, men specifically, admire. It's two years since I got out of my last hospitalization and I have since gained an exorbitant amount of weight. I struggle everyday with what to eat and how much to eat and when to exercise and how much to exercise. I have even considered leaving school because I can't seem to get myself away from this obsession with my weight enough to even focus on my school work.

I have been to every kind of therapy, intensive therapy, group therapy, CBT, three separate nutritionists, etc... Nothing seems to help me. I've recently realized it is going to come down to making a choice. I am either going to have to spend my life depriving myself and obsessing over food and my weight and in return get to be the beautiful size 0 woman praised for her aesthetic perfection that I have dreamed of being for as long as I can remember or I will eat what I want, try to learn how to not abuse food the way I do, and live my life as the slightly fat, but sane, size 12 woman who is trying desperately to live the life she wants despite not being a size two. I guess what I am asking is, for any of you who have been through something similar, how did you get through it? How did you finally give up on your dream of having an ideal body? And for those of you who are overweight and are living happily, how do you ignore the constant social pressures to be thin and the negative stereotypes that come with being fat? And lastly, for any men that may read this, how important is a woman's size to you? At what point does overweight equal repulsive? Thanks for any help you can give.

My neighbor has an eating disorder. How can I help?

phunniemee — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 09:22:39 -0800

My neighbor has an eating disorder. How can I help? I'm almost completely certain that the girl who lives in the apartment below mine is bulimic. I can hear her throwing up. This has been going on for months, and it seems to be getting worse. (Back in December it was only about once a day. Now it happens at all hours of the day and night.) She wasn't doing it when I first moved in (September), and when I met first her she was thin, but not alarmingly so (I'm pretty sure she's a trainer at a nearby gym). The last few times I've seen her she's looked very thin, sickly, and pale. (I want to make it clear that I'm not jumping to conclusions here.)

The thing is, I really don't know her. I've only spoken to her briefly a handful of times, and only then about mundane apartment-type things. I really feel like I have to do something, though. It's killing me to know that there's someone so nearby who's hurting herself and I'm not doing anything to help. I'm considering writing her a letter, but what do I say? I know a decent amount about how eating disorders work and affect people, though I have no first- or secondhand experience. I don't want to put any pressure on her or stress her out and potentially make things worse. I also worry that if she knows I can hear her, things might escalate and she'll to hide it and make things even more dangerous for herself.

So, what can I do? Outside of letting her know that someone cares, I don't even know what my goal is here. If I should write a letter, what should it say? Advice from people who have been there will be much appreciated.

For all those beautiful bulemics out there, this song goes out to YOU!

Keter — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 17:57:43 -0800

A close friend and I are embarking on a collegiate radio adventure through the wrist-slittingly fun world of teenage problems and angst. We're developing a list of musical sub-themes and came to one we like in theory but don't have much material for: Eating Disorders! Does anyone know of any (any) any (any) songs about Eating Disorders? Please share!

How to get over my obsession with food?

DeltaForce — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 14:18:30 -0800

OrthorexiaFilter: Help me overcome my obsession with food Warning: What follows is quite long and involved! I invite any general commentary, anecdotes, personal experience, and advice :)

For some background information: 18 years old, female, healthy weight of 115 at 5'4. Currently taking a "gap year" before I start college next fall...though I am starting to question whether or not that is something I am able/willing to do right now.

So it's happened yet again. Crash, burn, wallow. Resolve to start my new diet tomorrow. Rinse. Repeat. Let's just say I'm tired, depressed, frustrated, and scared. While for the past 13 months my life has been consumed by food and what has proven to be an incredibly difficult (yet educational) journey in pursuit of "healthy eating," it was not until I recently read this article on orthorexia that I began to wonder if I have a problem. I can't even begin to recount the number of books (upwards of about 60 or 70) that I have read on health, everything from raw food to paleo to macrobiotic, low carb to low fat, body alkalinity, and food combining, as well as the number of hours I have spent perusing health forums and websites (up to 8 hours or more a day). Yes, I have learned more about the human body, biology, and nutrition than I ever did in school, and I'm thankful for that. But all of these conflicting opinions have only made me increasingly frustrated and terrified of eating the "wrong" thing. I have struggled with (relatively) minor health problems my whole life, but it seems that in trying to solve these problems, I have only created new ones. I'm obsessed with food and health and it's taking over my life!

On an intellectual level, I have come to the conclusion that I need to take the middle path. Simply stated, lots and lots of veggies, enough complex carbohydrates, and some meat (I won't/don't do dairy). Eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm full. So why am I finding it so hard to stop binging on things not even the ill-informed would consider healthy? It's come to the point where I know what I need to eat, where I'm done debating whether or not things like meat or grains are healthy, and where I need to just get with the program.

What may also be relevant to all of this is that from about the ages of 12-16, I experienced intense distress regarding the cleanliness of my room and my schoolwork. For instance, I particularly remember that if I didn't have time in the morning to make my bed, I would come home, feel desperately out of control, cry, and begin cleaning my room all over again. Then I would proceed to start my homework, which included writing and rewriting my notes from the school day until they were perfect (I didn't like pencil smudges). Back then, it's as if I felt the best way to have a sense of control in my life was to control my room and my things. Interestingly, it seems that by the time I was 17, I had outgrown these urges and now my room is as messy as any other kid my age!

Like with my room and schoolwork, it seems that I now use food as a means of attaining control. When I was younger, I never wanted to eat. I had more important and more fun things to do! But when I was around 14, my eating habits began to change and I found myself consuming enormous quantities of food, even for a grown man several times my size! I've always had a fast metabolism, so I didn't gain weight or anything, but all of the refined carbohydrates and sugar took a toll on my immune system and I found myself getting recurring bouts of sinusitis and respiratory infections. At the same time however, I found that by eating so much, I was able to get attention from my friends and others. And so food became a part of my identity as I unabashedly devoured my share and cleaned the plates of my friends'. I will say right here that attention had much more to do with it than actual hunger, which, when I later went through a devastating breakup that left me in emotional wreckage for more than a year, led me to think it was "cute" to say that Ben and Jerry were my new boyfriends.

But right now, nothing feels better than when I've been "good," counted carbs, avoided combining fat and protein, and abstained from dairy, gluten, grains, soy, processed foods, etc. Nothing feels safer. After all, when one feels afraid of not only being hurt by others, but also by one's own body, living becomes a pretty scary thing. Add in a propensity towards perfectionism, an all-or-nothing mentality, and a need for attention, and well, there you have me and my life.

So where does this leave me? And what do I do about it? Right now, for example, after eating something I shouldn't have, I feel the urge to cut out foods, make yet another food list, and yet another eating schedule so I can feel safe and confident again. Am I simply supposed to recognize these thoughts as a symptom as my neurosis?

How do I find a middle ground if, to be "sober," I need to do something extreme, like cutting out a whole slew of trigger foods (foods that cause me to spiral into binge eating). The word "trigger" implies that when pulled, something deadly is unleashed, something of which I have no control. And so, the only solution is to control the trigger. My question is, why is there a gun in the first place? By saying I have a problem, am I unwittingly creating a problem? Perhaps my bellybutton is the source of my problems. Perhaps it's simply a matter of too much time (currently not in school, not working, see friends like twice a week...though I am working on getting a part-time job because I'm going out of my mind at home!!!!!!!!) and too much self-analysis. After all, if there's one thing self-help books have taught me (and I've checked them all out from the library...almost), it's that reading about my problems aren't solving anything. What ends up happening with me is that, for instance, I'll be reading a book about eating mindfully while scarfing down my lunch. Um, hello? What's wrong with me? If anything it seems that self-help books only give me license to keep telling myself that I have problems. Now, that doesn't mean that I am saying nothing's wrong. I'm not saying that (yeah, I know about the river in Egypt), but what I am questioning is the effectiveness and/or healthfulness, at the deepest and most fundamental level, of some of the methods I have been using.

Perhaps to understand that I am already whole and complete, despite what I eat/look like, despite whether others accept me, that there really are no such things as "good" and "bad" foods, that eating one or the other of said category does not characterize me as either, and that in the grand scheme of things, all of this is really not that important, is all I need to set me free from food, from obsessions, from fear, from guilt, from this self-imposed cage I call "control!!!"

When I tell myself that "I can control my life and my health and be safe if only I can control what I put in my mouth," am I talking about true control, or is that only a false sense, broken at the first taste of any forbidden fruit? What is true control anyway? Is it saying "no" to the cookie, or is it doing either one of two things; eating the cookie and feeling satisfied or choosing not to eat the cookie because, hell, I'm not even hungry anyway?! Why do I have to eat the whole box, why is it all-or-nothing, black and white? Why has the urge to do so gotten so incredibly intense since I started restricting my diet? And where has all of this food-obsession come from? No one in my family is like this! All of them have a very normal, healthy relationship with food. Why, for instance, is eating only when I am hungry such a foreign concept for me?

Okay I've gone on enough. I need help. Thank you in advance for having the patience to read all of this.

I need to deal with my eating disorder.

Anonymous — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 16:20:25 -0800

I really need to get my eating disorder under control, and have no idea how to do it. I've been dealing with bulimia for at least ten years, since I was in high school. I don't go on true binges very often any more, but I do overeat and then purge. It seems cyclical - I'll go for weeks eating normally, and then I'll suddenly go off into several purges a day for a week or two. I am an otherwise perfectly well-functioning adult with a stressful, somewhat high-profile job, a fulfilling life, and a loving, supportive boyfriend, friends, and family. I am not overweight, nor very skinny, and I think most people would consider me to be fairly well-adjusted. Nobody knows, though I'm sure my boyfriend has suspected on and off - it hasn't suddenly become worse or anything, but I'm just so sick of feeling so dependent on something, and going through ridiculous logistical contortions to keep doing it and to keep it a secret. I'm starting to feel crappier every time I do it, too - my tooth enamel is apparently very weak now, my heart races for an hour afterwards, my running (I'm trying to get back into distance running) is suffering, I think because I'm perpetually dehydrated.

Anyway, I don't know how to deal with this at all. I have been, with varying degrees of effort, trying to deal with it on my own for a long time - trying to change my outlook on food to fresh, whole, clean, nourishing - and then to the opposite side of the spectrum, to trying to think about it only as fuel and cut out all the sensual pleasure from it (I've always been a big food nerd/cook). I've been trying to apply the compulsion part of it to something healthier, and run about thirty miles a week. I don't even care if I lose weight or whatever any more - I just want to not feel weird every time I approach a table. But ten years of failure is probably long enough to conclude that I can't fix myself.

SO. I haven't been to the doctor in years, and never under my health care plan with my employer - I think I need to just pick a doctor and go in for a checkup anyway, but can I just tell him or her about it? Will they refer me to someone, I guess a therapist? I don't want anyone in my life to have to deal with this, is that going to be part of whatever happens once things are set in motion? It just seems really overwhelming, and I'm not sure where to start or what to expect.

Or are there alternatives I haven't considered? Books or groups or, I don't know, some excellent habit-breaking plan that worked for you? Anecdotes and advice are so, so welcome.

Thank you so much for your help.

Bulimia-filter, unfortunately: why is my period in overdrive?

Anonymous — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 13:30:37 -0800

Eating disorders can make your period stop. So why does it seem like mine is making my period occur more often? I know YANAD and YANMD - and I have a great shrink, am in hardcore treatment, and am seriously getting better, I promise - but I have a lingering question about menstruation and eating disorders.

I am currently recovering from bulimia. Over the course of my eating disorder, I've noticed that if I purged a lot (more than 3 times a week) that I would start getting my period twice a month, instead of just once.

The "second" period would come with no warning, no PMS or anything else that I usually feel before proper monthly menstruation. It tends to be a bit lighter but still more than just spotting.

Do any medically-minded MeFites know what could cause this? It's happened to me four or five times. I had a bad week last week and was purging again, and - wham bam - there comes the random period.

Any ideas would be wonderful. Thank you.

Must...stop...eating. (Oh, and shopping, too.)

missuswayne — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 12:12:35 -0800

I've come to the conclusion that I might have an eating disorder. Or an addiction problem. Or perhaps ADHD. Or is it OCD (minus the C). Help me make sense of this. I know you are not a doctor. And I am going to make some calls in the next 24 hours to some therapists in my insurance plan. However, I need a little guidance here. (Apologies for the length of the post, I'm trying to sort through a bunch of stuff...)

I believe I have a problem with food -- I overeat, binge (no purging), sneak food, etc. I am obsessed with it, always thinking about my next meal. I also am a total foodie (food snob, says my DH), organic everything, love to cook and go out to eat, read about food, "food is love" is my mantra, etc. Good food lifts my mood, and so I eat too much, especially when I feel lonely, tired, sad, stressed, etc. And then I feel like shit for eating too much (you know the drill). I have dieted on and off my whole adult life, and had the horrid body image issues that many women of my generation contend with.

In my 20s I was obsessed with natural health and eating properly and was thin and healthy looking, although I was fairly miserable at the same time -- insecure and unhappy. And I did binge and eat in secret, although not as frequently as I do now. Annnnd I was a smoker (so healthy!). Late in my 20s I got treatment for longstanding depression and mild anxiety, and over the next few years became a happier person. Since then I got married, had babies, had a few relapses with depression along the way, but got past them with meds and therapy.

Although true obesity has not been an issue for me, since getting married (and becoming happier?) the weight has crept on, and my pregnancies did me in. I should lose 15 pounds, I'd love to lose 30. Stress of raising young kids and a complete change in lifestyle over the last few years (going from working full-time and child-free to 100% stay-at-home mom in a now-single-income household) has led me to more binge eating I think. Plus, now I have kids and the whole "food as love" thing kicks in.

Anyway, I always thought my issue was one of willpower and that I just needed to buckle down. I have been in and out of therapy for several years, attending when I would go through a rough patch, and never have food issues come up. Nor can I determine what in my past could be making me do this to myself -- I know of the whole "filling the void" theory, but I don't know what void it is that I could be trying to fill. I consider myself a pretty self-aware person, and I'm pretty happy at this point in my life. And yet I continue the food-related self-destructive behaviors. I'm kinda stumped.

I do the same thing with spending money. I have done this as long as I have earned a paycheck (and of course, I don't get a paycheck anymore since I'm a SAHM) - if there is money in my account, I spend it. I could shop all day and all night. I have done a pretty good job of keeping my spending in check since my kids were born, but I feel a need deep down to spend spend spend. This is an issue, since my husband is very conservative financially, and like I said, we're single income and definitely live paycheck to paycheck. One therapist told me I am a "maximizer" and DH is a "satisfier" -- whatever, I need to get this in check.

The last tidbit I'll share is that I have wondered if I might have mild ADHD (or ADD). I've never been diagnosed, but my doctor has suggested that some of the ADD drugs might be beneficial to me as I am eternally distracted and have scattered thoughts, and I don't finish anything I start. I usually just say that I have "mommy brain", but I'm beginning to wonder...

I'm not looking for an online diagnosis here, just some insight from others who might have experienced similar things. And I'm not sure what kind of therapist I should look for -- CBT? Eating disorder specialist? Something else? Any guidance would be much, much appreciated. I've had a few therapists who weren't a good fit, so I know I need to ask questions up front to get the right help.

And if you got this far, thanks for reading :)

eating disorder v 2.0

janelikes — Sun, 23 Dec 2007 22:06:41 -0800

How can I be there for a friend with a reoccurring eating disorder? Ok my best friend of 17 years used to have an eating disorder- anorexia and over exercising specifically. Things got bad our sophomore year of college (approx. 5 years ago) after she had put on the freshman 15. For a year she went from a healthy 120 to 85 pounds at a height of 5'2'. After a year of freak outs from her friends and family alike she realized what she was doing to her body via her doctor and a counselor and went back to a more healthy and realistic lifestyle. Things to know: she is very type A, somewhat introverted and has a very, very supportive network of friends and family. However she is not very open emotionally and never has been.

She just got married this year and dropped some pounds for that, but I guess I didn't think too much of it since a lot of people try to lose weight for their big day. However, I saw her tonight and she is tiny- I would guess she is 95-100 pounds.

I am obviously concerned but know I can't change someone else and she has to be ready to see what she is doing to herself in order to successfully move past this. I really want to be there for her as a friend but am unsure of what to do- do I say nothing? Do I cry and tell her she can't do this again?What is the best way to talk to her about this if at all?

I have always been loud, and fairly blunt about all issues we have faced in our long relationship but she is very shy, non-confrontational, and reserved and this does not an open conversation make.

I have never struggled with an eating disorder and would mostly like advice on how she may be feeling and what she may want from me in this crisis version 2.0

Help me help my boyfriend overcome his eating disorder.

kavasa — Sat, 07 Jul 2007 18:19:38 -0800

I ran a google search on "anorexia" before posting this and the paucity of discussion amazes me. So, here's my question: how do I help my boyfriend? I am more in love with my boyfriend than I ever thought possible. I really did not know I could feel this strongly about anyone. He is anorexic, and I am becoming increasingly frantic about my inability to help him.

Now. There is an additional difficulty in that he is no longer vanishingly skinny as he was in highschool. When I first got to know him, I thought this meant that he had conquered the worst of it on his own when his environment changed in the move from home to college (I met him just before the start of his Sophomore year at college). I now think it maybe just sort of went into remission or something.

Twist number two: we're long distance, due to a variety of factors that I won't get into at the moment. This post was precipitated by the fact that we're both going to be traveling to see each other, not for the first time, this Monday. Conversations surrounding his anxieties about this visit have revealed a couple things that make it clear his eating disorder is almost as strong as it ever was.

I do say "almost" deliberately: he realizes that, for example, when he felt pride at having passed out in high school, that was bad. But he has also said that even though he's hearing the same thoughts he's always heard, it's not an eating disorder now because he's overweight. He has taken in maybe five to seven hundred calories over the past week. Certainly no more than a thousand.

I want desperately to see him happy. I want him to love himself like I love him. And I don't know how to do it. My god, the first month we were together I didn't even notice that we never ate unless I was hungry. The extent of my failure so far is becoming apparent, and it's terrifying me. The information online is bewildering, expansive, and contradictory. My efforts so far seem as likely to produce pro-ana results as anything else.

Twist three: money is a problem. Maybe you can recommend a therapist in the area of Sarasota, Florida, but I don't know how he'd get there or pay. He is amazingly intelligent and driven, and he pays for his college, housing, food, clothing, and everything else entirely with scholarships. He's got a job this coming year, but it's an 8-10 hour per week thing that will be able to fill the gaps and nothing more.

I apologize for the wandering and distracted quality of this question. I'll be monitoring this thread to provide any needed clarification.

I can't stop eating sand...will it hurt me?

annie7978 — Mon, 26 Mar 2007 12:53:46 -0800

I can't stop eating SAND...will it hurt me in any way? I'm fairly certain that I have pica, a disorder where you crave non-food items such as dirt, coffee grounds, laundry starch and other weird things. Recently I received this little sand sculpture in a glass bottle with colored sand in it and I can't seem to stop putting a few grains of sand in my mouth and crunching on them for a while. What are possible reprecussions of eating sand? This has been going on for a few months now and I'd say I've consumed less than half a teaspoon of sand total. I don't want to stop, but I'm worried that I'm slowly poisoning myself.

How did you redefine your relationship with food?

Anonymous — Tue, 06 Mar 2007 17:16:21 -0800

My eating disorder(s) are controlling my life! To those of you who have overcome serious eating issues in the past: what was it that made the difference for you? I have reached the breaking point, yet again, with my eating disorder. I apologize in advance for the length of this question, but I need to find a way to address this situation as soon as possible, for reasons of both health and sanity. Here is personal background on my situation:

I have always been overweight, though not to this extent. As a child, my parents distributed what I ate to me, so the situation was kept under reasonable control. As I grew older and had more personal freedom and alone time, my issues with food worsened. I gained weight, and despite my parents’ worries, they could do nothing to stop me. I have been in therapy for this issue since childhood. I saw a slew of therapists (as well as nutritionists, et al) during my younger years, and then gave up for a long stretch of time. After developing rather severe problems with depression, I began seeing a therapist again. I tried hundreds of diets. I tried seriously and less seriously. Eventually, after the disintegration of a major relationship in my life, I managed to find a path that stuck.

I lost 140 pounds by myself, without surgery. I was truly elated to have lost the weight, but I did it by religiously restricting my intake. I was still obsessed with food, just in another form. I thought constantly, all day and every day, about my intake. I exercised often, usually jogging 3 miles at a time most days of the week. I needed to devote a major part of my time and mental energy to making this attempt succeed, and I often worried even when I ate small amounts of higher calorie foods. If I was faced with a situation where I had access to large amounts of food, I still could not control the amount I ate. In a nutshell, this attempt was unsuccessful in its own ways.

During the period in which I lost weight, I was very personally and professionally successful. I was accepted into a very good graduate program in my field with a rare competitive funding package. I met my future and current spouse, with whom I am very happy. I have continued to maintain my success in these areas, but not in the area of my weight loss. After my marriage, I began a slow backslide that I felt powerless to stop. My spouse is at a relatively healthy weight, and does not experience the same kinds of issues I do with food. My old and semi-unhealthy way of restricting the amount and kinds of food that enter my household no longer seems viable, given that there is another person living with me! Although I have been in therapy (again) for this issue for the past year, and have been trying incredibly hard to get it under control, it seems impossible. I eat in an absolutely compulsive way. I know, logically, that I don’t have to eat, but I feel totally unable to stop myself. This is not a matter of eating portions that are too large at dinner. This is constant, compulsive eating, even if I feel sick. The only emotionally difficult part of my life is my relationship to food, so I cannot understand why I am overeating. My spouse is concerned about my health, but is very supportive.

This is not a question about how to lose weight. Clearly, I understand how to do that. This is a question about how to change my relationship with food. I feel I have exhausted every resource available to me with the exception of surgery or something similar, which I would like to avoid if possible. To those of you who have experienced a similar situation, or have loved ones that have been through this process, please tell me how you accomplished this feat. I am ready and willing to listen to all answers you might have. Throwaway email account for follow-ups: ask.me.question@hotmail.com Thanks for reading.

the lonely puzzle piece

skjønn — Sun, 25 Feb 2007 22:33:43 -0800

I feel like I am fading away into nothingness. I am 23 and I live in the Rocky Mountains.

In September of 2006, I left the only man I ever loved in my entire life. We met early in the Spring, had an idyllic but troubled summer romance. I have never felt more alive or whole in my life.

If he were in a car accident tomorrow and lost all of his limbs and became retarded, I would still want to love and be with him forever.

He is 30 and dark and handsome and beautiful, and was prone to sending me flowers at constantly. I love him wholly and with every single part of me. We worked at a snowboard shop together.

Trust me when I say that at the time I felt had no choice but to leave him. I found out he charming random girls who came into the snowboard shop for oral favors. He also became emotionally distant and just plain mean sometimes.

He tried to get me back after I left. Being in his presence literally makes me physically weak with love. So when I left him I packed up a bag and moved in with my girls for awhile. According to my old roomates, he came over every night for me for several days and begged to know where I was.

He moved on.

I got a new job as a paralegal. I should mention I'm a ballerina. I work and do ballet.

EVer since I've left him I am so alone. I have friends, but he was a soulmate and a lover. I am certain that the connection I felt to him and the love I still feel for him will be the most intense/defining emotion of my life.

I am so depressed every day. I make a good wage at my job, but I am only allowed to work 25 hours a week. Between rent/utilities/ballet tuition, I am always broke. Ballet is the only thing i have left in my life, I don't want to quit.

I'm just sad all the time about him but I don't have money to go see a shrink and I'm not in college so no free counseling. I'm already kind of skinny but I am losing more weight. It's hard to eat when I miss him so much. I walk everywhere because I don't have a car. Sometimes I wonder if I will just dissapear like a wisp of threadbare fabric.

I've already dumped on my friends (emotionally) so much that I can't really bug them anymore.

I feel like a lonely puzzle piece that was unsnapped from its mate. He was my other puzzle piece.

Now that I'm at the end of this, I don't even know what I could possibly ask strangers for. Thanks for reading this. ANything you can say to me I appreciate.

does therapy work?

Anonymous — Fri, 27 Jan 2006 20:20:18 -0800

What can I expect from going to see someone about my bulimia? Much more inside. For the past four years just about, I’ve suffered from on-and-off (mostly on) bulimia of varying degrees of severity (anything from periods where I’d go 2-7 days without an incident, to successive daily 3+ purging periods). I’m in the demographic that is generally associated with eating disorders (18, female, college student) so I would imagine that most people who treat eating disorders are used to seeing similar cases. I read this post [http://ask.metafilter.com/mefi/27332], and some of the advice was helpful but my situation has some differences.

For one, what I really want to know is what to expect from getting treatment. My parents, extended family, and all of my friends (except for the two that finally convinced me that I should seek help) have no idea that this is an issue for me (in fact, I suspect I come off as one of the better-adjusted people they know with regard to self-image, and I try hard to appear utterly unconcerned) so I can’t count on them for any sort of support (although I don’t know- will I be needing it?). I’m still not at the point where I am really embracing the idea of being treated for several reasons- one is that I really can’t imagine life without it and it seems almost impossible that I could ever overcome this. The other is that I always convince myself, after I haven’t purged in a while, that I’ll be fine on my own. Unlike the other poster, the longer I go without purging the less likely I am to do so again, because once I slip up once and do it I can easily spiral into weeks of daily episodes.

It’s only of late that I’ve come to realize though that despite all my best efforts to both prevent incidents and determine what causes them, I really can’t seem to do anything sufficiently effective to help me stop. Every time it happens, and especially when it’s just one of many episodes, I realize how much I hate it and hate doing it, and how terrible it makes me feel. It’s been expensive, harmful, disgusting, and has at times even caused me to gain weight (truly, insult to injury). Even though it feels like a fundamental, if malignant, part of me, I know I can’t go on like this. To that end, I finally (with much assistance from the two friends) made a call to my very small college’s health center and set up an appointment with one of the counselors. I suspect that once I tell them that my issue is bulimia, they’d refer me to someone in town who specializes in treatment- the whole process seems dauntingly complicated, so is there anything else I should consider? What has helped you, or what did you do that helped someone else with a similar issue? I’m very much on a budget and I’m not sure yet what exactly my insurance covers (not very much, I suspect), so that limits my options considerably.

I’m probably leaving a lot of stuff out but you can email me at anonask@gmail.com

Thanks in advance!

Eating issues... sigh.

Anonymous — Wed, 16 Nov 2005 09:36:40 -0800

Help! I've been suffering from a mild form of bulimia for four years and really need to stop. Oddly enough I'm not a teenage girl; I'm a 26 year-old male, approximately 180 lbs, college educated, and successfully employed. In general I have my shit together except for my disordered eating, which strikes approximately once a week. These episodes, which last a couple of hours, usually occur in the morning or evening, before the start of my day or upon the conclusion, respectively. The binge and purge sessions are preceded by anxiety or exhaustion. I suspect that this tendency is a knee-jerk, low-level comfort and relaxation mechanism. After episodes I usually tidy up my living space and self, vow never to do it again, and return to my regular routine even more motivated. The whole ordeal is time-consuming, exhausting, and just plain dumb. It distances me from friends, ruins plans, causes absenteeism from work, and harms my health. I am so sick of it!

I suffer from mild depression and have been taking medication to treat it for over eight years. In attempt to regain control over my eating, I saw a counselor but eventually quit when our progress seemed to plateau; I read a book on the subject; I've rid and filled my house with sweets and snacks; I've structured and relaxed my diet; I've meddled with veganism, eventually settling on vegetarianism for unrelated reasons; I've made promises and kept journals; I've structured and unstructured my day. In general my tendency is to become more disciplined and structured, that is more obsessive-compulsive, rather than more relaxed.

Prior to my eating disorder my priorities changed, I started exercising and eating healthier. I went from weighing 230 to 190. I observed a change in the attitudes of those around me, dates became easier, and I felt better about myself. I suppose I pursued this end to the extreme and eventually lost control, leading to the situation I now find myself in.

Physically, I exercise nearly every day with climbing, jogging, yoga, and hiking being the most common activities. While I really do enjoy exercise, I am also partially motivated by a sense of guilt and obligation. Socially, I have a group of a dozen or so friends in the area and more scattered around the United States. Although I am not currently dating, I have had girlfriends during this time. A few of my friends are aware of this issue; however, most are not as I prefer not to discuss it. Mentally, I am taking courses towards a masters degree and working full-time. While my job is certainly not my passion it pays the bills, enabling me to pursue interests outside of work.

It is with desperation that I ask the metafilter community for help. How did you or someone you know overcome an eating disorder? What strategies should I employ? What resources should I consider? How do I overcome this obstacle?

Answers and questions can be sent to: anonymousaskme@yahoo.com if you prefer.