Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with dysfunction

Boyfriend cannot orgasm during sex.

lwclec072 — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 12:16:41 -0800

After 3 years boyfriend tells me he thinks he may have a sexual dysfunction. My boyfriend cannot orgasm during sex. I orgasm perfectly fine, I finally learned to have a gspot orgasm after 2 years and I can have a clit orgasm, though only through foreplay. He recently told me he doesn't get off during sex after I have found out he was hiding a porn dvd from me and I caught him masturbating a couple times. He blames it on a sexual dysfunction but I seriously doubt that only because I feel if he cannot orgasm during sex, how can he masturbate in under 10 minutes. When I question him about it it only starts a fight between us and he says I'm being selfish for wanting to be able to please him, because I do try. It just hurts me, that all this time he says he enjoys me and that he orgasms, then he breaks down and tells me differently 3 yrs later. It honestly makes me lose trust for him, I feel if he knew he had a sexual dysfunction he would have told me from the start. I really do not know how to deal with this. I know he loves me deeply which is probably why he has hidden it from me to keep from hurting me. He also said he can orgasm with me but he cannot cum when I told him it was practically the same thing he just tells me that I do not understand. I assure him I really do understand and I know that sex should not be all about achieving an orgasm, it's more so about the closeness and intimacy, but still it bothers me knowing I cannot please him. Also any time I have ever talked about bringing toys into the relationship he blows it off like he's not interested. Can anyone help me to understand or possibly offer some helpful tips if youve had similar problems.

A couple side notes, he suggested trying lubes but I always thought lubes were more for women than men. Also we do not use protection so that's not an issue.

wanting to "divorce your kids" ?

Anonymous — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 20:52:59 -0800

How can I help someone who has three young children but who doesn't want to be a mother anymore? I know that this sounds completely irresponsible and selfish and cruel but I would appreciate help if you can take the time to read the details. My friend is a strong person, intelligent, sensitive to people but has struggled with empathy and compassion - not second-nature to her.

This woman is educated, has been employed in care-taking occupations with high stress and high responsibility. She stopped working after her first child was born. She and her husband had been married for seven years before they had any children. She was never sure if she wanted them, but he did and in her late thirties before the clock stopped she had a boy and then two years later had twin boys.

Since the twins were born, her husband was downsized and then went into training to become a police officer which meant he was away for six months training. Since he graduated they have been moved three times in four years. She feels that he has changed significantly because of his new occupation. Their relationship is disintegrating. She had to set up a separate email account just to communicate with me about this because her husband reads her email.

He has never had much patience with the children - a nice guy but without the education she has had and with a background of famiiy dysfunction - an abusive father who was a heavy drinker - a tough man who raised lots of kids on very, very little money.

What this means is that she is largely responsible for home and kids and she is at her wits end. I've been giving her some of the most obvious kinds of advice - find playgroups, multiple birth support groups, counseling, a sympathetic minister or woman's issues worker of some kind. I've told her to take time for herself, time with just her husband, sports and arts with the kids, exercise for herself - she has tried to do much of this but when they try to go out he gets called away (few officers in their small rural town). When she hires a sitter - if she can get one who will sit twins plus one all under 6 years old - she says she comes home to a destroyed house and broken toys/equipment and sometimes bruised kids (from falling, fighting, tumbling). It sounds like they are quite a handful.

I know that the children may be reacting to all of the moves and the obvious tension and tiredness in their parents and from the very little I have seen these two have two conflicting parenting styles.

Finally, I asked her to try to focus on a few things that she felt made her the most unhappy and then we could brain storm ways that she could get help with them. I asked what she would change most if she could change anything and her reply was to never have had children in the first place.

She has felt this way for at least the last six months, probably longer.
We live 2,000 miles away from each other. I can visit but not for long. They live in a small isolated community now with few sophisticated resources. She has little in common with the other mothers in her community though she has joined the parent council at the local elementary school that her oldest has begun to attend. She just can't see her way to going back to work full-time but has returned to on-call service a day or two a week.

She is trying to find a lifeboat but nothing seems to hold. How can I help?
I am quite anxious about the direction this is going and I feel too old to offer to take care of the children for more than a week or two if she felt no other way out than to leave. My daughter is 30, newly married, not ready for children yet either. I have a career, live in a tiny space, have been single for over 25 years - retirement is still 6 to 7 years away. Though I love children, I have already raised one alone - I can't do it again.

But she is very alone. No siblings anywhere nearby, parents both deceased and no close friends to speak of because of the frequent moves, in-laws far away. I'm frightened for her. I know how hard it is to be a good parent even though I wanted and adored my child and loved (love) being a mother.

Is this just an expression of stress or are their some people who reject their children? I'm so worried that the kids have already been seriously affected by this. I'm worried about her state of mind. Can post-partum depression last for years, or turn up years after the children are born? I'm worried about what stress can do to a man who knows very well how to use a weapon. What can be done?

I've got some parenting books to send her but it feels like so little.

Explaining Dysfunction and Estrangment to the Mayberry Set.

Anonymous — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 07:52:35 -0800

How to explain family estrangement to in-laws and other folks? I am the oldest child in a family scarred by poverty, mental illness, alcoholism and psychological abuse. My mother has borderline personality disorder and is convinced that I am the "bad seed" in the family and has waged a slander campaign against me to other family members telling them that I am a drug user and of loose moral fiber. In reality, I am a woman in my late 30s who smoked a lot of pot and experimented with drugs in my early 20s. I also had an abortion and a miscarriage (out of wedlock) and came out as bisexual around the same period of my life and foolishly confided all these things to either my sister or my mother, who have held them against me (in a BIG way) ever since. My family is conservative blue collar Midwestern Pentecostal Christian. I grew up to be an activist, liberal, atheist, feminist without children. I am the first woman in my family to go to college. I paid my way through undergrad and then went on to grad school, winning honors in my program and getting a plum job offer before I even graduated. I married a similarly successful man from a close-knit family and we are incredibly happy in our house with our books and our pets and friends and creative projects.

All of the women in my family have lived lives of poverty and have had 3 or more kids before they were my age. It is not like I want kudos or pats on the back, but the more successful I get, the more hateful my immediate family has become. Until recently, I gamely attended family holidays and put up with little jabs about my past or snide comments about my spouse's sexual orientation. One of my siblings refuses to let me see her children and does not invite me to their birthday parties or school events. I get it, I make my parents and this particular sibling uncomfortable. I've tried hard to fit in and have hosted holidays and family dinners at my home.

I've been in therapy on and off for years. A few months ago, after a series of hostile emails from my mother basically telling me that I 'have a new family now,' and not being invited to a niece's birthday party; I decided that I am totally fed up and tired of being treated like this by my family. For the time being, I've cut them off. I feel comfortable doing this. My close friends have wondered why I didn't do this a long time ago. I am relieved at the thought of not having to host Thanksgiving or Christmas to family members who will criticize and analyze my every move and gesture and make mean comments about my home, my cooking or weight.

The challenge I am running into is this: How do I explain this to other people? I'm currently running into complications with the husband's very Mayberry normal family. They cannot wrap their minds around what my family situation is like and think I'm being mean for not wanting to spend holidays with them. They are the type of very nice folks who associate mental illness with "snake pit" type imagery and since they've met my parents and my parents weren't frothing at the mouth or verbally attacking me in front of them; they think I am exaggerating.

I'm also at a loss for explaining the situation to friends not within my immediate social circle and co-workers. What is a good way to explain estrangement without making people uncomfortable or over-sharing?

Please help me reply to my mom's email concerning Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)

Anonymous — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 16:50:35 -0800

My mom sent me an email today acknowledging for the very first time (that I am aware of) that she experiences symptoms of Autism Spectrum Disorder. I would like to write the best response that I can to her, with some links or information about possible next steps. I don't want to screw this up, please help me help her! I have spent my adult life aware of her serious emotional and cognitive problems. My younger years with my parents were awful – I was rebellious and angry and unable to accept the serious dysfunction in our family. For the last 10 years I have been in therapy intermittently (taking breaks due to geographical and financial difficulties), where I have successfully learned to be accepting yet necessarily distant from both of my parents. There is no question whatsoever between all of my therapists and me that my mother suffers from severe Aspergers symptoms (almost every single criteria in the DSM IV fits her), as well as some emotional difficulties. My dad has some emotional problems as well, but they don't seem to be as severe as my mother's. They have a happy marriage, but its been lived blissfully in denial. My brother and I have suffered immensely. I have recovered, my brother hasn't. We are not close.

Fortunately for me, I learned to be very independent from a young age. I also do not display any pragmatic or negatively-impacting symptoms of ASD. I do however experience intense passions and focus, am able to see patterns in things that others don't tend to pick up on, and show an aptitude for understanding complex systems like language, puzzles, mechanics, etc. Basically, I seem to have some of the socially desirable features of ASD, with none of the social impairments.

I say all this, because in an email exchange today with my mom about language and ASD (I study pragmatics and sent her a link to an NPR talk in reply to a question she asked), she responded with the following, "Do you think you may be Autistic? I am wondering about me and my sensitivity to sound and light. Mom."

I would love to reply to this email in the best, most encouraging way possible. Maybe include a link to a place near her to get a professional test to determine if she has ASD, and where to go from there. Maybe a support group number, or a reason why it might be beneficial to understand more about the possibility of a professional diagnosis.

I am trying not to get my hopes up about this opportunity to help her. My mother has lived a lifetime of pain and confusion, not understanding why she miscommunicates with those around her (she often unknowingly offends others to the point where they scream, yell, or otherwise distance themselves from her). My dad literally shelters her from the world, sacrificing the needs of others or dismissing them in order to keep my mom calm, all the while praising her for being quirky. He means well, and wants the best for her, but this approach has prevented her from being able to stand on her own, seek answers and grow.

I am not close with any members of my family, and have been independently successful and healthy for some time. Through the advice of my previous therapists, I have limited my contact with family members to brief phone conversations and emails. This has done wonders for my relationships with them, and I don't wish to disrupt the balance. However, I see this email as an opportunity to take some important growth steps to self-realization...for all of us. I want to do it right.

MeFites: Please provide me with some advice, links, or ways to approach this subject that might resonate best with her and help her. How would you handle this situation? What would you write back?

FYI, I am female, early 30's, not currently in therapy due to financial constraints, but definitely reconsidering going back now to get some help understanding and processing these new developments. I'll be happy to provide more info as necessary. Throwaway email address: helpmehelpmom@gmail.com

Help me come!

Anonymous — Fri, 08 May 2009 20:49:36 -0800

How can I get off from oral sex? I'm a 30 year old straight male, and have an incredibly difficult time with blow jobs. As in, I can never seem to get off from one. I enjoy them. They feel great. I just don't seem to come from them (or if I do, it takes a tortuously long time).

Oh, don't get me wrong - it has happened before on rare occasions, but it is certainly the exception rather than the rule. This has caused no small degree of consternation for my various female partners over the years, with a couple even breaking down in tears thinking they were doing something wrong.

I am thinking that this sort of response has turned on itself and become a point of anxiety for me, making me think more about trying to come than simply enjoying the BJ...but I can't seem to turn it OFF. Then I start to feel guilty about how long it's taking, etc., etc. God forbid there is some other distraction present such as, say, the chance of getting caught.

What can I do to just relax and enjoy the ride? How can I finish? How normal is this?

I want to have an ongoing relationship with my mom, but it is stressful trying to do so

helios410 — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 14:13:53 -0800

I want to have an ongoing relationship with my mom, but it is stressful trying to do so. How do I cope with her? For the sake of brevity, I will just say my mom has a lot of emotional and mental issues. Every time I talk to her there is some sort of nuclear meltdown occurring, and she has always been like this. But I am a young adult, and I am trying to get my own life in order.

She is not a responsible individual. For instance, I just spoke to her and she has run out of money, so she is afraid she can't pay her rent. And this is just one instance of many troubles that seem to occur by her own doing.

I love my mom. She has been there for me when I have had my own hang-ups or problems to cope with. But because of my mom's choices in her own life she, for lack of a better term, burdens those around her. I hate to say that. But it's true. I can't help but feel resentful that she puts herself, and those around her in a state of panic because she does not want to make the hard choices to put things on the right track.

I want to talk to her. And she likes to hear what's going on with me. I care about her, and that's why I get upset hearing these things. I have a career I am devoted to, and hobbies - but I let her problems seep into my own life, and I don't know how to stop it.

So for those that have dysfunctional immediate family members, or just want to give some advice, how do you keep yourself sane trying to deal with those family members, and how do I compartmentalize the chaos that endlessly seems to follow her?

Does he have ED? Or am I making a big deal out of nothing?

Anonymous — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 23:09:12 -0800

[explicit sexual content filter] I'm trying to figure out if this guy I'm seeing is suffering from impotence or if I'm just expecting too much... I've seen this question posed a few different ways on MetaFilter, but not from the perspective of a woman. I don't feel comfortable talking about the possibility of ED with him, but at the same time this could be a deal breaker for me... help? So, we've only been seeing each other casually for about six months. He's 38, I'm 27. He was married for 10+ years until 2007, so he is having a lot of trouble with condoms... which is understandable, I suppose, since he didn't have to use them for so long. I also understand that he could be dealing with some emotional upset regarding his divorce, especially since she left him and not the other way around.

This is what usually happens when we get physical: we have *great* chemistry and kissing is fantastic. He's very much into oral sex, and that's working great for me, too. The problem lies in us eventually getting ready for penetration... the condom comes out, he fumbles, and by the time he gets the condom on, he's soft. I mean really soft.

It's not just the condom that makes him soft, though... generally, he is hard when we are first making out, but he becomes soft quickly once we get more into things. Sometimes he'll even be soft when I'm going down on him.

It's definitely frustrating because I want to have SEX with him, and I almost always end up feeling dissatisfied. He *is* able to ejaculate (once he was able to climax while I went down on him, and twice he has gotten himself off in front of me).

The other thing is... I think his penis is much smaller than average. I would estimate that it's maybe... 4 inches when hard? But honestly, I don't care, and I tell him that I like it and want it, etc. etc... but maybe that is part of his (mental) problem with staying erect?

What do you guys think? He blames the condoms left and right when things go wrong, but I'm not so sure that's really the issue here.

As an aside, I have only been with three other guys in my life, so I feel a little bit inexperienced with this sort of thing. I've never been with a guy who had trouble getting and staying hard, though, so I don't know how common this might be. Thanks for your help.

How much do I owe my parents?

Anonymous — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 07:04:11 -0800

I'm having a baby girl any week now, and I couldn't be more excited, but it's left me thinking a lot about whether or not I want my parents involved in my daughter's life. My parents divorced when I was 3, and my father promptly moved out of state. I would see him once or twice a year for a week or so, generally for Christmas and my birthday, and he never called or wrote except when he was arranging a visit. My mom was pretty hostile towards him--she raised me to believe he was the scum of the earth, and he wasn't around to say otherwise.

When I got older, he made a little more of an effort to talk to me, and offered at one point to let me move in with him (and his new wife and her kids) while I finished college. I was grateful for the support, and I accepted. It didn't go well. After a couple of months, we had a major fight that ended with him telling me to get the hell out of his house--he later apologized and asked me to stay, but I left anyway.

In the 7 years since then, he's emailed me 2 or 3 times, but I haven't responded. At first I was just mad, but now I recognize that we were both being stubborn idiots (maybe it runs in the family), and mainly haven't contacted him because I don't really have anything to say. At this point, he's a stranger to me.

My mom is another story. We had a great relationship when I was a kid, but she started getting "weird" when I was a teenager. Years later I learned it was paranoid schizophrenia, but by then she'd already decided that I was part of the conspiracy plotting against her, and no longer trusted me (and in some cases, expressed concern that I was some kind of government agent impersonating her daughter).

She contacts me once or twice a year now, seeming to want to re-establish a relationship. She seems more stable than she was, and I can usually manage to have a couple of decent conversations with her, but invariably she'll bring up something ridiculous and irrational, I'll try to apply logic to it, and she'll become furious that I'm dismissing her concerns, and then I won't hear from her for another 7 or 8 months.

I don't want my daughter to grow up not knowing her grandparents, and I don't want my parents to not know their grandchild. I know they'll both want to meet her, at the very least. I kind of feel like I owe it to them. But I have a lot of concerns.

I still resent my dad for not being involved with my life, and if he made a greater effort with my daughter than with his own, I would probably end up feeling pretty bitter about that. And I know from firsthand experience that a bitter, angry parent can have a serious effect on a kid. But if he didn't make an effort, I'd probably take that as further proof of his failure as a parent, leading to more bitterness. And I don't want to have to explain to my kid why Grandpa doesn't ever call or write.

As for my mom, her descent into mental illness was profoundly painful for me to watch, and I don't want to expose my kid to that kind of pain, or have to explain that a lot of what Grandma says isn't true, but she'll start yelling if you tell her so. On the other hand, when she's lucid, my mom is an amazingly creative and intelligent person, and exactly the sort of cool grandma I'd love my daughter to have in her life.

I know this isn't a question with an easy answer, but I would love to hear other people's viewpoints here. Would it be unfair to my parents to not offer them the chance to be involved with my daughter's life? Would it be unfair to my daughter? And if I don't involve them, what on earth will I tell her when she starts realizing that other kids have grandmas and grandpas? "Sorry, kid, but I don't like your grandpa much, and your grandma's nuts"?

Help me figure out how to deal with my sister-in-law!

alpha_betty — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 09:22:18 -0800

Help me learn to deal with my sister-in-law without going crazy! (Long background inside) Background: I have been with my husband for about 2 and a half years. When I met him, his younger, 19-year old brother, Mike, was engaged to his high school sweetheart. At family functions, things went smoothly and everyone seemed to have a good, relaxing time.

About a year into our relationship, Husband and I got engaged, to be married in August of the following year. This news was well received and I felt even more welcome in the family. His parents and brothers and I really got along. Six months after our engagement, Mike and his fiance broke up. He binge drank and fell into a bad place for a few months, and when he started seeing Sally, a 30-year-old punky-looking mother of 3, no one expected it to last.

About 3 months after he broke up with his fiance, Husband, Mike, Sally, and I went out for Mike's 21st birthday. Sally encouraged Mike to drink, and Mike got plastered while Sally maybe had one beverage. At the end of the night, we had to switch cars, so we went back to Sally's house to drop off Mike and take his car back to his house. That night, Sally gave us a tour of her house and showed us her kids' rooms (Jedediah, Mary, and Faith), and offered us wine and marijuana (Husband and Mike's family are very anti-drug, so this put Husband off of her immediately). We declined, but Mike continued drinking. In the span of time we were over, Mike stripped naked and Mike and Sally gyrated on the couch and floor almost but not quite having sex. Husband and I left.

A month later was Thanksgiving. The day before, Sally and Mike had announced they were getting married two days before Christmas (and 2 months into their relationship), and decided Thanksgiving was a good time for her and her kids to meet the family. When they showed up, the kids brought pictures to "Grandma Lastname" (who they were meeting for the first time) and Sally called Mike and Husband's parents, who she was meeting for the first time, Mom and Dad. Sally largely ignored Husband, his other 2 brothers, and me for the entire night, though we were all introduced to the kids as Mr. First name and Miss Betty (not Uncle First name, since his mom is "Grandma" - I didn't get it).

Another month brought their wedding, and then Christmas. The wedding reception was held at Sally's home and was extremely uncomfortable for me - portraits were being taken of the "new family" with all of the in-laws, yet I was not included. This hurt me deeply, considering that I felt close to Husband's family and I had been around for so much longer.

At Christmas, Mike and Sally gave Mike's parents a positive pregnancy test in a tin. His parents were excited, but Husband, his two other brothers, and I just sort of sat in shock. At one point she looked over to all of us and asked if we understood what was happening, I guess because she expected a better reaction. Someone asked when the baby was due, and Sally named our wedding date. Husband and I quietly excused ourselves for a walk and didn't return until Mike and Sally were gone.

Fast forward several months into the spring. A bridal shower was being thrown for me, and invitations sent about a month and a half in advance. Sally and Husband's mom were invited. I guess I should say at this point that Husband and I live about 4 hours away from his parents and brothers, so we didn't see them very much between Christmas and the spring. Husband's mom and dad are very excited to come up to visit and his mom to attend the shower, but I got no response from Sally. Two days before the shower Husband's mom called saying that she could come, but that she would have to leave immediately after my shower was over because Sally's baby shower had been planned for later that same day. I quickly knit a baby blanket and sent it down with Husband's mom.

During the summer, we were very busy getting wedding stuff done. Husband's mom would call us with periodic updates on Sally's pregnancy, which neither of us really wanted to hear. Pictures of us on the fridge and around his parents' house were systematically replaced with ultrasound pictures and colored sheets from the new grandkids, which really bothered me and slightly grated on husband. We were told that Sally may not make it to our wedding, because if she hadn't had the baby yet she wouldn't want to be moving around, and if she had already had the baby, she wouldn't want to leave it with a sitter. In addition, all summer Husband's parents badgered us to invite Sally's parents to our wedding (who they had been getting chummy with at Sally's insistence), and we declined since we didn't know them and had already had to cut people we DID know and want from the guest list.

Finally, the day before we were to leave to go down to our wedding (which was being held in Husband's hometown), Sally had the baby. We traveled to his parent's house with my mom and brother for last-minute wedding errands, and a barbeque was held the night we arrived for a meet-and-greet. Sally and her parents held court with the baby and her delivery story, while husband, my mom, brother, and I came in and got food, then sat for about an hour before being greeted.

At our wedding, lots of other crappy family stuff happened, including Husband's mom holding the baby the entire time and barely looking up, and having our MC, Husband and Mike's uncle, toast to Mike and Sally's marriage and baby before he "got to" us. However, the icing on the cake is that more than half of our wedding photos are of the baby, someone holding the baby, or Mike and Sally.

The holidays are coming again and I find myself not really wanting to be around Husband's family, particularly Sally. I feel like I am suddenly an outcast and like I'm not important because I haven't had any children. During family functions, Sally dominates conversation and it's hard to get a word in edgewise, even if I were more outgoing and less quiet. I feel like the newcomer, and I'm completely resentful of ever so many things. I have tried so much to get over this, including therapy, venting, ignoring it, avoiding them... but nothing seems to work. I no longer want to waste my energy being anxious, offended, or thinking about past or future interactions with her or the rest of my in-laws. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

The flip side to this is, I would really like to get close to Sally, and our nieces and nephews. I don't have any siblings nearly old enough to have kids, so these are my first. I'd like to be able to get along with her, but it seems like she doesn't really find me necessary or important and I feel shunned when she's around. I want the family to mesh and for things not to be tense. I don't know how to make this happen.

Can you help me identify what my problem is, and how to get over it? How can I be around Sally, and the rest of Husband's family, for the holidays without feeling like I've lost myself?

I realize self-loathing isn't all that uncommon, but how far does it usually go?

Anonymous — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 17:02:23 -0800

What the heck is my problem? There's dysfunction, yes, and I suspect codependency too - I know I need to seek therapy and as soon as I'm done writing this question I'm going to set up an appointment. However, there's one other element that I've only recently become aware of, and it seems so sick and abnormal to me that I'm afraid of ever mentioning it even in therapy. Does thinking that other people SHOULD treat you horribly put you way off the chart in terms of what therapists are usually equipped to help with? My apologies for the length of this, I feel like a little context is needed to explain this because it seems so bizarre even to me. I'm going to describe a little bit about the dynamics of one specific friendship, but please realize I'm doing this because it was in the context of this friendship that I started noticing certain things about myself, and because I think it helps encapsulate a lot of what I'm talking about, not because I'm looking for advice about this friendship - beyond the fact that I'm VERY much short-changing it in terms of only describing negative elements here, I think my problems go far beyond any one friendship and I'm really looking for a little insight into what the heck might be the matter with me.

Anyway, I've got this friend who has issues of his own, lots of them, mostly of the 'low self-esteem' variety just like me. I think I've finally wised up to the fact that I can't be the one to convince them to seek therapy, can't be the one to help them, can't really even say much positive about them that they'll believe (although anything that could be taken negatively inevitably IS heard, believed, and amplified by a factor of ten) – and yet I can't stop feeling this deep, hideous inadequacy about that. I know it isn't fair (to me OR to them) to base my worth on whether or not I can be of any help to anybody I'm close to, but I can't seem to stop doing that and the fact that I don't think I am helping anybody just compounds the negative feelings I have about myself.

I know that this sort of thing, while unhealthy, is at least kind of common as far as dysfunction goes - but! Beyond this general inadequacy (and codependent behavior on my part?) there's also the problem that when we argue over something, the pattern is that I'll give in by the end, usually scrambling backwards madly to take back and apologize for something I've said, but only after I HAVE said something that makes them feel horrible and they've said things that make me feel horrible. While we do step back at that point and do apologize, this pattern seems to arise any time we fight. We're sorry, but we keep doing it. And even worse, I’m beginning to realize that part of me thinks this person - and people in general - SHOULDN'T apologize but rather should get even more outright angry at me ... and THIS is the element that seems just flat-out sick and unacceptable to me.

I think in some part I want to be treated in an ugly way, by this person and by others to whom I'm attached – it's almost sickly reassuring, like this warped confirmation of what I've known all along and that seems to elude most people. Sometimes I'm even unsettled by being apologized to, partly because the cessation of their negative acts means I have nothing more to be upset at them about, but even more so because part of me would rather that they went further in being harsh towards me than they had yet done. The friend I mentioned above is one of those people – some part of me wonders if our fights don't go the way they do so that we both get the chance to "prove" to ourselves what awful people we actually are ('How could I EVER have said that horrible thing to such an undeserving person??'), AND I wonder if I keep trying to help them in part because I know I can't, and thus will once again get proof of how useless a friend I am. And now it occurs to me that even as a kid some element of this was there, maybe even before things started getting particularly bad in my family (typical substance-abusing parent issues) and social life – for one small (but maybe telling? I don't even know anymore) example, I know I was always drawn to episodes of shows where the character I liked or identified with was ill-treated for whatever reason. Ick.

This all seems sick as hell to me and unlike so many other disorders I can't find a name I could research to at least get a sense of how common it is (masochism isn't quite it, at least, as I understand it – this isn't a sexual thing on my part), and that scares me: this weird feeling that people ought to treat me as if I'm despicable seems so alien and sick and wrong that I can't see myself admitting it even to a therapist. I guess this is what I'm really asking, then: I realize you aren't my therapist, but does anybody have any thoughts on what the hell this might be, and how common or unheard-of it is? Again, I AM going to seek therapy but I just think I'd feel more comfortable being honest if I knew that this isn't a completely abnormal, monstrous problem that's inevitably going to cause any therapist I work with to flinch away thinking I'm completely horrible and hopeless. Thanks in advance for any input you have; if you'd like to email me please do so at anonmefi08@gmail.com

What's happened to my sexual response?

MysticMCJ — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 06:26:23 -0800

My physical sexual response has suddenly vanished. I'm feeling the same emotionally, and "the captain stands at attention" in the morning, so I'm not entirely sure whats going on. This hit suddenly about a week ago. I've already made a Dr's appointment about this, but I won't be able to get in for a while. Is this likely something physical? Relevant details below. I've been on Wellbutrin for about 6 months now. I recently (2-3 weeks ago) switched to the generic budeprion. Other than that, I take a generic claritin and the 150mg ranatadine. I've heard some scare stories about the generic budeprion, but I wasn't like this even before the wellbutrin - I've always been rather, well, "firm." There's never been a problem like this before.

As far as any other substances, I am not a heavy drinker, but I will have 1-2 drinks from time to time. I am otherwise substance free.

I'm male, and in my late 20's, so I find it hard to believe this could be an age related thing - and the idea of having to take another pill is not one I relish.

I'm in a very healthy relationship in which we have been very sexually active until this started happening. This is the most active sexual relationship I've ever had - 1-2 times a day was the norm until fairly recently. We haven't really had any issues that haven't been dealt with and resolved in a healthy fashion. Everything is just peachy there, aside from my "problem."

I'm on wellbutrin for "severe depressive disorder" but I think it's more of SAD, and I'm wondering if the weather might be affecting me... It's been pretty dreary here, but I think the GF has a hard time believing that the weather could impact me like so.

Advice on how to get through the holiday season without losing my mind and my temper?

pluckysparrow — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 10:31:08 -0800

What are your tips on surviving holiday family dysfunction? I dread spending the holidays with my family. My relationship with my parents and siblings is tenuous at best. I am the black sheep and the scapegoat in a family with a history of alcoholism, mental illness and verbal abuse and have lots of over anger and resentment. Despite years of therapy and alcohol treatment, my family falls into old behavioral routines over the holidays. Basically, someone in the family will do or say something passive aggressive directed at me and I respond with with biting sarcasm. Drama ensues.

One reoccurring example of my family's behavior is: they will tell me and my husband to come over at a certain time. We arrive on time, and find that everyone is almost done eating, or the birthday candles have been blown out or everyone is in the midst of opening their Christmas presents. My mom gets a kick out of calling my husband by my ex boyfriend's name and making little mean jokey comments about his family.

Basically holidays with my family are hell. If it were not for my wonderful nieces and nephew, whom I rarely get to see, I would avoid family holidays entirely. For the sake of the kids, I want to avoid any confrontations or escalation of drama, so I end up bottling all my holiday rage up inside and feeling like crap.

My family all lives locally, so it's not a multi-day or overnight holiday ordeal.

Any advice on how to get through the holiday season without losing my mind and my temper? How do other people with wildly dysfunctional families get through the holidays?

speed is not always a virtue

randomstriker — Sun, 11 Nov 2007 23:19:28 -0800

Premature ejaculation due to Post SSRI Sexual Dysfunction - how can I fix this? I was on 10mg Cipralex (i.e. escitalopram, a.k.a. Lexapro, Lexaprin, Sipralexa, Entact and Seroplex) for almost a year. Recently went through a tapering regime and finally cut it out altogether as of 10 days ago.

Most withdrawal effects have subsided, but I am left with very annoying premature ejaculation. Is there a solution to this or do I just have to ride it out? Of course I'll see my doctor about this but he generally scoffs at anything less than cancer or a broken bone and I need to go in armed with some information to push him into action.

What do I do now?

Anonymous — Thu, 28 Jun 2007 11:05:27 -0800

I'm not even thirty and the sex is terrible. Am I the only person with this problem and what should I do about it? Apologies, there is... Three years ago, I was in the best relationship of my life. At 24, I met a beautiful girl at a bar and from the first date started having great and frequent sex for more than two and a half years. She was the first person I really easily connected with sexually, we knew and enjoyed each other's kinks and explored some if not all of them. I found myself carefree and easygoing in the bedroom and open to foreplay, taking our time - and, when the mood was felt, just getting wild. Then came a really bad holiday season with her family that ended our relationship. Since then, my mind has really turned off to sex.

I have since dated two women who were lovely, intellectually and physically stimulating, and physically interested in me. But, my body just didn't want to do the work. For the first time, my body and mind were not cooperating to make sex happen. My penis, very erect, would touch a woman's vagina and whimper in fear of it. I realized that we were not exploring a lot of the kinks I enjoy, but I felt totally out of place not even being able to enjoy the complete act of intercourse.

During the first relationship after my big break-up, my partner suggested and I followed through on seeing a therapist who said I was simply not comfortable yet. I personally was comfortable all the time except during sex, I felt I was blanking out and physically, my body followed. I also saw a doctor who assured me I did not have erectile dysfunction and was dealing with anxiety. I am willing to go see another specialist, but I hate thinking this is something that I have done to myself. I have recently given up both smoking and drinking, but smoked during part of my longest, most sexually satisfying relationship.

I can only think this is psychological, but it's really tearing me up inside and I want my relationships to be as good as the one I had. I'm 27, in moderately good shape, working out, and walking every day but this is freaking me out.

Should I see a doctor or a psychologist or just wait until the right person comes along again. I thought I had found that person six months ago, but this block was too much for the relationship to stand.

I know this is a sensitive issue. People can respond to this question at S0XKRnb0A1cfEPkn@spambox.us

It's amazing how much not paying $450 / mo. can add up to!

Mijo Bijo — Sat, 10 Feb 2007 14:03:27 -0800

My mother collects back child support from my father on a monthly basis, in the event of her death who will receive it? My brother and I have been estranged from our mother for the last 5 years and know we have been written out of her will. She is currently married to a man who she had met when my younger brother was 18 (He's currently 25, I'm 27). He never provided for my brother or me financially in anyway (the guy never worked). The total back child support owed is in excess of $120,000, which my mother receives ~$1,200 a month payment from a garnishment on my father's wages. Is that sum part of her estate and will those payments go to him or does it follow with the children? If it is part of her estate, is it possible to have it excluded from it. In the event of her death, what immediate steps should be taken to prevent him from receiving these payments which come via the district attorney's office?

All the parties involved live in California (aside from my estranged father of 21 years, who lives in Washington state) and my parent's divorce took place in California as well, if that matters.

Cumming but not cumming

Anonymous — Tue, 19 Dec 2006 19:31:13 -0800

Sexual anhedonia is a condition where you 'cum,' but don't have an orgasm. I have it, and would like to not have it. Okay, so the pretext is that I'm male, 20ish, healthy, and in a moderately serious, but non-sexual relationship. I last had an orgasm maybe 7 months ago.

Basically, I ejaculate (when I, yes, masturbate), but don't have an orgasm - none of the feeling, it can happen with my eyes open, like anything else.

The possible causes of anorgasmia (thanks to Wikipedia) are like

* Hyperprolactinaemia
Seems to be more common in women. I don't have any of the other side effects.
* Hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD), also called inhibited sexual desire
Uhm... I have a little bit of sexual repression thanks to a Catholic upbringing, but it doesn't seem active. And with this relationship.. I'll get to that later.
* Low levels of the hormone testosterone
Not really.
* Spinal cord injury
Nope
* Use of SSRI antidepressants
I've also seen depression as a cause. I'm neither depressed or taking SSRIs. The only thing I take is a multivitamin.

More: I've been getting some odd reactions. For one, I've prematurely come (came, whatever) twice in the past month, so that kind of knocks out the hypoactive sexual desire possibility. I'd like to figure out how to prevent that, too. The first time happened after I didn't masturbate for a month (after having a habit of 4-7 times a week), so I thought it was a result of that, but after changing back to what I used to do, I still did it once, and now, at odd times, I feel like I'm on the verge of an orgasm. Basically, that warm, sort-of-itchy sensation 'down there' - and, on (weird) occasions, I'll get a feeling like I'm flushed, and blood is rushing around, I can't think, and basically having a very weird sort-of-sexual thing without any stimulation - really, nothing. Sitting in a chair, and then getting the feeling that if you move, something bad will happen.

So, is there anything that I can do, at all? I'm wondering if this is psychological or sometime else. My current doctor had no idea when I described the fact that I didn't have orgasms anymore. Other than this thing (which is, really, messing with my mind, obviously) I don't have any prominent mental problems, OCD or whatnot. Could it be a prostate problem? That's been occasionally mentioned in other places. And, of course, this is all the more awkward because I'm not in a sexual relationship, so it's like I'm getting help for a problem with masturbating.

If anyone wants to say something anonymously, send it to anon159@gmail.com

Thanks for any help/guidance for getting me out of this ridiculously crazy situation.

Can't stay on my antidepressant.

Anonymous — Thu, 14 Dec 2006 21:47:39 -0800

Can't stay on my antidepressant. I've had a long history of therapy and have been taking medications for years. My symptoms are basically depression with some more aggressive symptoms (anger, outbursts) as well as intense anxiety. I have tried a number of different drugs (Effexor, Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Celexa, Prozac, Paxil, etc.). The only drug that makes me feel like "myself" is Celexa.

When I am on Celexa, I feel calm. I have no temper to speak of. This is important because feeling angry, even if I'm able to keep it inside, I feel really horrible. With Celexa, I'm just "me" and I'm able to laugh things off and not let them get to me. I feel like I'm a nicer person to be around when I'm on the medication. I like myself, and this helps my self esteem.

Problem is, I cannot tolerate the sexual side effects I experience with this medication. Basically, I feel completely numb down there and orgasm is an impossibility. What this means is that I don't stay on the drug. My doctor has tried to wean me off Celexa and try other meds, like Wellbutrin, but every time I start to feel the scary bad feelings and I run back to Celexa. Then I have the side effect and feel the need to go off it.

I guess my question is this. What diagnosis do my symptoms indicate (ie. the depression along with my activated, angry symptoms) and what medications would be more likely to help? Also, what neurotransmitters is Celexa working on? Might there be an antianxiety or mood stabilizing med that would give me the calm, relaxed feeling I have on Celexa? Lastly, has anyone dealt successfully with a situation like the one I'm describing?

How do I give my lady friend an orgasm?

Anonymous — Fri, 21 Apr 2006 07:03:21 -0800

What do I have to do to give my lady friend an orgasm? I've been seeing this girl for a while. We're both in our 20's. Everything is going great, except that she has never had an orgasm. Ever. Not even by her own hand. We are both sexually experienced and have been with several prior partners. I like to think I know what I'm doing--I can find the G spot--but I've never run into such a tough case as this one.

I can find her clit. She says it feels good, but it plateaus at a certain point and never goes any further.
She said that a doctor (a nonspecialist) once told her that "some women just can't have an orgasm." While this may be true on some level, I got the feeling it was just a dismissive answer--the guy didn't do any sort of examination. She has basically accepted the diagnosis (which is easy to do if you don't know what you're missing!)

I'm not interested so much in crazy sex tricks (I realize there has been a question on that) as much as I am in hearing from women who have been in a similar situation and got over it--ie, those who were sexually active for a while without ever having had an orgasm, until one day, everything changed. What did it take? How common is it, actually, for women to be unable to have an orgasm?

[She is not on any prescription medication, and has no history of chronic illness/mental illness.]

How do I learn to endure my office mate's speech dysfunction?

Anonymous — Thu, 16 Feb 2006 06:19:44 -0800

My office mate's speech dysfunction is driving me crazy -- what should I do? My office mate appears to suffer from a speech dysfunction known as cluttering. I am emphatically not a speech pathologist; this is a diagnosis that I did myself based on a bunch of Google searches.

His job requires him to be on the phone for most of the day. Whenever he is just a bit unsure of what to say, each of his sentences is peppered with multiple occurences of filler phrases like "you know" and "I mean." Now that my ears have become sensitized to the problem, it is driving me crazy.

I don't actually know him that well, and from what I have read it doesn't seem like there are any really effective treatments. Do I just grit my teeth and endure this, should I push him out of the window, get a new job, or what?

Help me have sex with my girlfriend.

Anonymous — Thu, 05 May 2005 09:57:44 -0800

Help me have sex with my girlfriend. I'll try to be concise. I'm male. My girlfriend and I are both 20. She's had sex, I haven't. I've been with a few other girls, but not terribly many. We've been together for 6 months or so, and though we're regularly intimate in other ways, we haven't had sex together. When we try, I'm unable to maintain enough of an erection to perform. This is embarassing for me and it makes my girlfriend think I don't want her. I think a few things could be contributing to this.

1) We care about each other very much, but I didn't start dating her primarily based on physical attraction. I find my girlfriend attractive, but I'd be lying if I said that I didn't often see girls to whom I'm more attracted, purely on a superficial level. I don't think this should preclude us from having sex, though.

2) I feel like my girlfriend seems to take a mostly passive role during foreplay, as if waiting for me to get ready. I've lightly broached the subject before, but nothing seems to have changed. Should I expect/ask her to do more, or should I be able to take care of myself? I don't want to make it sound like I don't want her, but I feel like it takes a little bit more sometimes.

3) I have something of a fetish which seems to fall under the heading of somnophilia. I've always found sleeping women to be erotic. This doesn't affect my everyday, non-sexual life. I get off on "regular" things, too, but this especially. I've tried fantasizing about it when I'm with her, but I can't concentrate on it and pay attention to her at the same time. I've never told anyone about this, and I feel terribly awkward and slightly ashamed about it. There's no shortage of web sites about it, so obviously I'm not the only one, but I can't help but feel embarassed. I feel very comfortable with my girlfriend, but I'm still not exactly sure how she'd react. Should I tell her about it? How do I tell her? Or should I wait until after we've had sex? Should I not let this aspect control my sex life?

4) I find condoms extremely uncomfortable. When I get an erection, I feel like the struggling to put it on and the feeling of wearing it puts a damper on things. I'd say that I'm on the larger side, and have found that regular-sized condoms seemed extremely tight and difficult to get on (though I only tried a few brands). I've since brought Trojan Magnum large-sized condoms, and while they fit, I find them uncomfortable as well. Will I just get used to it, or is there something else I should try?

I apologize for the length. I appreciate any advice that anyone can offer, related or unrelated to the above issues.