Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with dying

My grandfather is going to pass away soon. What do I say to family members?

helios410 — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 10:12:56 -0800

My grandfather is going to pass away soon. What do I say to family members? My grandfather is fighting to stay alive at this point, but the outlook looks grim. Some background: I did not have a very close relationship with him, but I have some great memories that I shared with him. He does not recognize me now, as he suffers from dementia.

The only time I have had a relative pass away I was much, much younger. Besides saying "I'm sorry", I am unsure of what I am supposed to say or do when this inevitably occurs.

The question that is on the forefront of my mind is what is the proper or suggested customs in regards to what I say and do for the following relatives?

1) my father (this is his father who's passing)

2) my grandmother

3) uncles/aunts/cousins

Thanks for reading.

How do we even begin to deal with the murder of our friend?

Anonymous — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 17:04:14 -0800

My boyfriend and I have a friend who was just killed for seemingly no reason. I am trying to come to terms with this, and help him at the same time. Less than a week ago, one of my boyfriend's best friends was found shot and killed. No suspects, no motive, no way of currently knowing how he got where he was found. He was a great friend to my boyfriend, as they are both from the same small town and relocated here. He would come over often and stay for a day or two with us. One of his work shirts is still hanging in our closet.

I suppose my question has many parts, and is both specific to the terrible way in which we lost him, and pertinent to grieving in general.

First, how do I best help my boyfriend through this? I knew his friend for the duration of our relationship (3-4 years), but he has known him since childhood. He has been very stoic, but has never even lost a grandparent and I want to do everything possible for him. I have lost many family members, but it was always through illness or old age. This is a different beast entirely.

How do we deal with the fact that we may never know who did this to him, or why it happened? I know homicide investigations take quite a while, but it is torturous to imagine never knowing anything more. Should we contact the detectives working on this case again for updates, or just... wait? Since we are not family, I am not sure if there is set protocol on this.

Is there some sort of set of guidelines, a book recommendation or something else, to know what to do right now to cope? My family and friends are calling, but I don't feel like seeing anyone. I forced myself to do a couple things with friends last weekend, and went to work on Saturday, but I was pretty exhausted afterward. I have taken this week off from work and school, and am trying to work up the energy to even email in my homework. I've just kind of been a numb lump on the couch, for the most part. I guess this is par for the course, but is there something more productive I could be doing with my time? Will keeping busy with normal activities help to distract from the crushing reality? ...Or, is being distracted even good? Is it better to deal with this first before entering the real world again?

I'd like to turn off the graphic images in my head. I lay out all of the possible things that could have happened, all the horrible things that could have been done to him. I wonder if he knew he was going to die before it happened. I hope he wasn't scared. I feel like this type of thinking is detrimental to my health and sleep patterns, but can't turn it off.

Additionally, in the long term, are there good strategies/activities to make our days a little brighter? At the moment, there is a huge hole in our lives, but I randomly started looking at pictures of kittens up for adoption today and it was a pleasant distraction for a bit. Now we are talking about maybe getting a kitty sometime in the immediate future. Would it be wise to jump into something like that so soon, or should we wait on the decision to expand our "family"?

As a side note, I approached the subject of grief counseling with my boyfriend, and even looked up a few therapists in the area. He said, "not yet, maybe after the funeral." We both know it will be beneficial to go through that process soon.

Any and all anecdotes, wise words, stories, etc. are welcome. I know I asked about 25 questions. Thank you all in advance.

Throwaway email: wemisshim@gmail.com

Can I forgive myself for leaving my dying mother's side?

Anonymous — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 10:40:57 -0800

My mother is dying. How can I forgive myself for the guilt of leaving her bedside? She was moved to hospice a week ago and at the time, was given "2-10 days" from two different doctors. I stayed with her for a week and then flew back home. Part of the reason I flew back is because I have a toddler and part of the reason is that it was extremely distressing for me. She has pneumonia, in addition to complications from several small strokes and the underlying issue is non-small cell lung cancer that metastasized to her bones. Her dying process is anything but "peaceful" - the noises, smells and deterioration of her body was making me physically ill. I had some "quiet time" with her to say my goodbyes and try to let her know it was time for her to be at peace (like everyone told me she might need to hear), but as time wore on, I couldn't stomach it anymore. I feel like I would be altered forever if I continued to witness this. However, I also feel extremely guilty for "abandoning" her during her last days. Well-meaning family and friends have told me it's "ok" and that it's a personal choice, etc. I switch between being comfortable with my decision to thinking she is "hanging on" because I'm not physically present with her.

More background: my mom was diagnosed last Christmas and immediately made legal documents putting me in charge. She went through treatment up to a few days before she fell and was admitted to a hospital. After a month, she was moved to hospice once we finally realized she was dying. This last step has been a blow to us because she was so "normal" up until her fall, so although we knew we would eventually be in this place, we didn't expect it NOW (who does, right?). I am the youngest of 3 kids, but she is mostly estranged from the other 2, plus my mom and I have always had a very close relationship, although we live 2000 miles away from each other. I have made 6-8 trips to see her this year and during her hospital stay, was there for more than half that time.

The problem I have is that I hear so many people say that there is "no way" they would leave their mother's side on her deathbed and I thought I would be the same way, but I just lost it and instead of extending my flight, came home instead. I feel like I am justifying coming back, even though nobody is judging me! I have contemplated flying back to her, just so I can be there ... but in reality, I'm torn. I want to be there, but I don't want to see/hear her death.

Please ... help me figure out a way to comes to terms with my guilt.

Anyone know of a good hospice in the SW burbs of Chicago?

stormpooper — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 12:45:39 -0800

Anyone know of a very good hospice care center in the SW burbs of Chicago? We just got word that my mom is on her last round of chemo and she needs to get her estate ready. They're estimating 6 months max to live (but who really knows?). We are investigating hospices and got a recommendation of Joliet but that's a little far. I am curious if anyone has a recommendation from relative experience? I went on the Hospice Assoc. site and no matter the zip/criteria, no results come up in my areas.

How to take a terminal relative in to your home to die when there are multiple complications?

stormpooper — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 10:20:16 -0800

Mother with terminal cancer, dad being an @#$ about her care, I want to take her in but it's complicated. How do I handle it? My mother's cancer is spreading (metastatic breast cancer--now in liver, spleen, bones, spot in lungs). She's been on more aggressive chemo and it's not working. They want to put a port in her veins and she doesn't want it. Dad forcing her to have it. She just wants to stop all chemo and let things happen. However, my dad is getting sick of spending money (he can afford it + Medicare/insurance suppliment), driving her to 2ce a week chemo, seeing her "complain". He's in denial about her dying. On the other hand my mom is tired of everything, being controlled, not being allowed to recover because he forces her to live life like nothing is wrong (puking? What about my dinner? Go cook). Doc won't give time estimates with or without chemo (she probably doesn't know).

My dad, being the controlling asshole that he is told her that she is going to be kicked out and have to die somewhere like a home. I am appauled and want her to stay with me. However, this poses multiple problems:
1. I have a 10 month old
2. Small house; all 3 bedrooms (mine, spare, baby's) are right next to each other at the top of the stairs so no privacy for anyone
3. my husband and her don't really get along
4. me and my mom don't really get along because she can be highly difficult (you can't thank 40+ years of abuse). She can throw temper tantrums, butt in where she doens't belong, swear/yell if she doesn't like something ,etc. My son is being cared for by a college student nanny. I can only imagine her being vocal about his care while we're at work. I can't have her impact others and lose a nanny over this either.

I do not believe someone should be shoved in a home to die alone. However, I'm her only option. I have to also worry if dad (out of loss of control) will cut all of her medical care since he pays for it. I would need him to continue her care, hospice, nurse care under my roof because I can't afford it.

Is it logical for this to work out so she can have at least her last days in some peace/normalcy?
How can I continue to have a normal house? (my husband and I are going through marriage issues as it is; she knows some of it and I don't want her instigating things either).
Finally, when is the right time to take her in? She's not dying right of yet and is fine but the way things are going, it doesn't look like this will be another year of this. Do I take her in during her final weeks? Three months before? When she decides to stop treatment or when my dad because impossible (not that he isn't right now)?

I have no answers but just want to "fix" this in the best possible way to give this woman some dignity--despite our history of severe ups and downs. However, I have a husband and a baby. I don't want it to impact them either.

Thanks.

I have two friends; their parents are (separately) dying. How to help? Neither are in U.S./U.K./CAN.

taz — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 05:04:37 -0800

I would like to help my friends, if I can; two of them are individually dealing with incredibly stressful and sad health-related situations related to their parents. Friend one: I know her very well (via internet). Her father is dying, and it's end-stage, but it may take months and months. It's a terrible situation, because he's at home (as per his wish), and when he can speak, only says he wants to die. They have medical care, there's not a problem of money, but in terms of emotional pain and stress for her and her mother, it's dire. Their extended family live on another continent, and my friend's closest friends have all moved far away recently, so it's really just her and her mom dealing with this, essentially in isolation in terms of emotional support (and her mom is an expat, and I understand how this can be even more isolating and limiting). How can I help her? Are there any books that were valuable to you if you were any sort of similar situation? Is there an online forum that is high-quality, smart, helpful, warm, for people in this position? I doubt that there are support groups where she is, or much of that sort of help at all. (If you want to know what country, email or memail me, but I'm pretty sure it's not promising.)

My friend is a very smart, strong woman, career-successful in a highly sexist culture, so has an amazing amount of daily stress with her job, and must remain always calm, cool, always in control... which makes me worry about her even more, since now she has to also practice the same stoicism at home, day in and day out, and night after night. I know she can barely sleep, and there's no possibility of getting away from it. She can take time from the job, but she can't go away, and that would just leave her at home 24/7 with that special suffering.

Any advice about how to help very gratefully accepted.

Friend 2: I don't know so well, an internet acquaintance from a BB, and he might well be scamming, but I really don't think so. (2.5 years at that site* and always generous and giving as a poster; never talking about his personal/private stuff at all; never talking about money or any personal trouble at all. An on-topic friendly, helpful guy.)

His mother needs a transplant; he has most of the money, but lacks about $5,000 U.S. He appealed to the BB we both frequent, but of course the discussion was shut down. I told him to check out Modest Needs, after checking that they had "outside of U.S." and also "urgent health care" categories. But he told me that they do not extend their services to his country (India). Is there anything similar that he might look into? It just kills me that $5,000 might save his mom's life, though, yes, I realize that this is repeated a million times all over the world.

Don't worry about me, I don't have money to give away, but if there is any other sort of organization that vetts requests and makes it easy to donate (paypal), or any other options to check out, I'd like to tell him about it.

*: This BB is not metafilter or metachat; the person is not a metaverse person

How to balance work/life with a dying parent?

burlsube — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 21:56:47 -0800

My mother has been diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. She has decided to stop treatment as chemotherapy is not working and surgery/radiation is not an option. The oncologist estimates she has about one month left. I have the option of taking FMLA and spending all of my time with her during her last days if I want. But I am not sure that would be the healthiest option for me. My mother says just take a day or two a week and try to live as normal a life as possible. But I feel selfish living my life while she is dying. Any one ever have a similar experience?

Can I help my therapist?

Anonymous — Thu, 21 May 2009 10:55:04 -0800

My psychotherapist's husband is very ill, perhaps dying. I have a strong relationship with my therapist, but we have always maintained clear doctor/patient boundaries. What (if anything) can I do to offer support without overstepping the boundaries of our relationship?

Meet you at the cemetry gates

milarepa — Fri, 15 May 2009 13:52:00 -0800

How can I best prepare for death or, I guess, the process of dying? Of course, I know death is as unpredictable as it is certain, and there is no foolproof preparation. I could die by choking on my cottage cheese tomorrow, for example. No preparing for that.

But, let's say in 6 months I am going to be diagnosed with a painful and horrible disease that will kill me within 6 months of being diagnosed, meaning I would be dead in about a year from now. What could I do before I am diagnosed that would best prepare me for what's to come? In essence, I am asking what can I do before I begin the acute process of dying, whether it be 6 months from now or 80 years.

And, certainly, none of you are dead, so you can't give me advice for the other side. But, I am sure many of you have come damn close to dying one way or another. And I am sure many more of you have watched loved ones die. I am sure there is some wisdom out there I don't have direct access to.

For the record, I have had both happen to me. After they were over, however, rather than giving me the clarity I would have liked, or expected, I am more confused by these experiences. I am not sure my personal experiences are all that valuable to the question, but I can provide them if necessary.

Does someone with a dying relative better understand what someone who has lost a relative is going through?

Anonymous — Mon, 04 May 2009 18:38:31 -0800

Does someone with a dying relative better understand what someone who has lost a relative is going through? Explanation inside. A year and a half ago, X broke up with my best friend, Y. X stayed in my apartment after the breakup-technically, she was staying with my roommate. Shortly after that, I moved halfway across the country and didn't really keep up with X-it was a pretty nasty breakup, and while we were friends, I was always more Y's friend than X's.

A little more than a year ago, my father was diagnosed with metastatic colon cancer. For having metastatic cancer, he's doing wonderfully. Full remission would be a miracle, but chemotherapy is keeping the cancer at bay, we're handling the bills, and he's able to lead some semblance of a normal life on his off-weeks. It's still been a difficult experience, but I recognize that it's nowhere as difficult as it could be.

Two weeks ago, I get a text from Y -- X had called her to say that her father had died after a four month battle with cancer. I write X an email expressing my sympathies, but not mentioning my father's cancer. It felt like too much of a self-insertion into her own tragedy, and I figured there was a chance that she had already heard (we had a lot of mutual friends). Calling seemed too invasive-an email seemed to be immediate enough, but if the amount of sympathy she was receiving was too stifling, she could deal with me on her own time.

Today, I get an email from X thanking me, but also conveying that she was surprised to hear from me, and a polite wish that we could reconnect at some point.

So my question is this: Given these circumstances, would it be wise to reach out, tell her of my father's current situation, and offer a sympathetic ear as someone who might possibly understand her situation better than most people our age (we're in our early 20's)? It seems presumptuous to say so-my father is still alive. If there's anything I've learned from this experience, it's that a family member's cancer can manage to change your life in ways that you wouldn't have even thought about before-the same must happen with death. On the other hand, I've gone through half of the fear and grieving, and at least understand what the past four months have been like for her. For those who have lost a close relative, would talking to someone in my situation have helped you at all?

What can I say when my boyfriend gets scared about his Dad dying?

trampesque — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 01:02:36 -0800

What can I say when my boyfriend gets scared about his Dad dying? My boyfriend is in his mid-twenties. His father is nearly 80. A month ago, my boyfriend's uncle (his father's older brother) died age 89. This death itself wasn't too much of a blow - he was sad but never really knew his uncle and hadn't seen him in many, many years. However, it seems to have started making him think about his Dad being old, and maybe not having long left.

Last week, he got a little upset while we were in bed (just lying there, lights off) and said "I just feel really scared about him not being around any more."

I really suddenly didn't know what to say or do. I froze up completely. I just gave him a big hug for a long time, and said "I am here for you." But I feel like I was incredibly unhelpful and useless. One possible reason is, he is usually the strong one in our relationship, and never really shows his fears or sadness. So I sort of panicked. Another part is that although I listen very well, I've never felt like a particularly helpful person when people are upset.

My question, I think, is: what could/should I have said, or is it OK that I didn't really say anything, and what can I/should I say to help in the future? I know nobody can make the idea of looming death seem fine, but I'd like him to feel like he can really rely on me for advice and support, because he's so amazing to me whenever I'm upset or worried about anything.

Social discomfort, family obligation

frosty_hut — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 10:29:06 -0800

Cousin Zach is a sweetheart, but I don't have the time or inclincation to attend everything he invites us to. How to say no tactfully? Guilt is involved. Last year I was contacted by my cousin Linda (can't remember the fake name I used before). I hadn't seen her in about twenty-five years. She had cancer, knew she was dying, and -- though I didn't realize it -- had been feeling guilty all that time about her previous failure to contact me. My mother and father had died when I was pretty young, and I guess Linda had been beating herself up for keeping away from me during that period. I mostly wasn't bothered. I vaguely wondered where she was on occasion, but it wasn't like her absence ever made a real difference to me. She had never been around, so I suppose I didn't know what I was missing.

It turned out there wasn't much time to get to know Linda. Her house was just jam-packed with people toward the end. But I snatched a few moments with her, and she sent me some emails. She was tired what with the chemo, and it's too bad we didn't have more time. She passed away a few months ago, and I hope she's at peace.

In the meantime, there's Linda's husband Zach. He's a great guy. But you can't just be with Zach. He's always with about a million and five people. My husband and I are both socially challenged, and all of these people were a bit intimidating the first time we went over there. It's like I have no family for twenty-five years, and suddenly I've got four hundred instant relatives.

But except for my Uncle Morris (Zach's father-in-law), the most adorable 87 year old on the planet and a person who sets me completely at ease, I'm not jumping up and down at the prospect of a long term association with Zach and Co. I'm bewildered and alienated by the waves and waves of people that keep frothing up around me whenever I get within a few feet of wherever Zach's standing. My husband and I bowed out of one of the holiday-time gatherings he invited us to, but we felt bad and asked him if he could meet us sometime for lunch. He said sure, but it didn't happen and I'll bet it never will.

I'm starting to get cranky about it. Apparently Zach is the only one who can initiate anything socially. He only wants to do things his way, with his people, at his house, etc. When my husband and I suggest something, it's a no-go for whatever reason. Zach doesn't want to be alone with us I feel. It's an intimacy-avoidance thing. Or that's my gut sense about it. It's like he's got to be shored up by a cast of thousands. He can't just sit and chat and look me in the eye. He simply can't do intimacy, and doesn't feel the need to try.

Which is fine, but it's just the opposite of how I am. I love chatting with just one person. It's the only way I feel I'm ever encountering the person in a real way. Groups of folks don't do it for me as a rule.

So we're just different. And it's okay. Except --

Zach keeps inviting my husband to events we don't want to attend, which necessitates our refusal, and I'm starting to feel like a gigantic jerk. I do think Zach's urgency about it has something to do with Linda having pressed him for a promise to make things right with me after her death. Don't have hard evidence--it's just a suspicion. And I can understand the sentiment.

But it's so one-way. Why does Zach assume his family is so great? I mean, I'm not a kid anymore. I'm forty-something already. I've got a little life in place here. I've been put-putting along without this branch of the family for twenty-five years, thanks, and I haven't been irreversibly damaged by their absence. I feel there's an arrogance in Zach's attitude, and it rubs me the wrong way.

But I don't want to hurt Uncle Morris' feelings. He's the last living relative I've got that I care about. He's lost two daughters over the past fourteen months. He's bearing up, and I want to support him utterly. But how do I frame this to him? I can't just say, "Zach weirds me out. We don't feel comfortable over there. I won't see you there anymore, but let's you and I keep doing lunch!"

Is there anything else I can say, that would save my relationship with Uncle Morris -- and Zach? And if I'm being a total asshole, let me know.

Inspriring farewell letter by a sci-fi author

monocultured — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 01:36:55 -0800

Help me find a Sci-fi writers farewell letter. Could be Asimov, could be someone else. As a kid I burned through all the Swedish translations of sci-fi I could find in my local library. In one anthology of novelettes – I'm assuming it was one of Sam J Lundvalls collections – there was a farewell letter from a sci-fi writer. It wasn't a suicide note, but rather written by someone old and grateful for a life well spent.

It was atheist in sentiment, and very well written. I still recall this as the attitude one would like to have when on a death bed. (Not sure if it was actually written on a death bed or earlier)

Anyway, I haven't been able to find a copy of the collection, nor any mentions of such a letter. If it is Asimov the letter might well be included in It's Been a Good Life, but I haven't seen that.

Suggestions? Links?

What is the source and substance of this quote about dying?

Doug — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 02:43:55 -0800

Help me identify this quote about death, dying, and the end of the world! I have only the vaguest clues to go by, but I heard a quotation something like: if you want to make a dying man happy tell him everyone else is dying also. I don't remember where I read or heard the quote, and I don't remember who it was attributed to, though for some reason Sartre or Freud come to mind. Is this familiar to anyone? Google is failing me (or vice versa).

How can I make time slow down?

changeling — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 09:44:09 -0800

How can I make time slow down? I turn 25 today. And time is passing so quickly, I'm terrified.

I know other people are aware of this; it comes with aging. Maybe our memories condense, like a defragmented drive. I used to feel the fear occasionally -- in the dentist's chair, for example (wasn't I just here? IS THIS PURGATORY?). But for the last year or so, the fear has always been around the edges of my consciousness. Sometimes it comes on so strong I have to force it from my mind to function.

It seems like I'm always going to bed, if that makes any sense. Discovering another day has passed.

Maybe because I'm a writer now and work from home. My days are so routine. It also doesn't help that I write YA fiction, and am always looking back analytically, wistfully. I do notice time slowing when I travel, at least in the middle of the trip (did we really take that bus this morning? seems like two days ago...)

I don't really fear *Sudden Death!* maybe because as humans, we all feel a little invincible. What I fear is increasingly swift aging, and then death. It's not the physical beauty aspect of it, although that doesn't help. It's the fear that the days and nights will keep slamming together more and more quickly. I don't fear unhappiness -- in general, I'm happy. I am just afraid of time. And, if I let thoughts linger a bit longer.... death, and the possibility of nothingness. Re: religion, I'm pretty much agnostic, though I was raised episcopalian. In a nutshell, I have doubts, and then guilt over doubting.

My questions: How do you deal with it? How can I make time slow down? I know you're not magic. I know maybe I should talk to a counselor. But I also know there are mefites of all ages who must not think about this like I do.

I know, I'm only 25. But that's what scares me the most -- if I'm already aware of the acceleration, how fast will the next ten years seem? And the next ten after that?

A friend of mine asked an elderly acquaintance about this same thing. The man's reply: "Son... nowadays, Christmas comes every month." Shit.

Stay away from the light

generic230 — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 12:32:49 -0800

Besides the Tibetan Book of the Dead, are there other ancient cultural texts about dying? I was wondering what other books, texts, scriptures - from other societies or religions or philosophies talk about the process of dying and passing to the next world.

All sleeping dogs die.

kldickson — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 17:37:04 -0800

Dying dog. How do I make him comfortable? The dog named in my previous question is clearly dying (he's gotten much worse ) and I suspect he will be dying in the next few weeks - thankfully, he will die while I'm visiting my parents. He is throwing up what he eats despite an anti-nausea drug, stumbling, and I can absolutely not walk him - he's too unsteady and can't even walk more than a few steps without stumbling because not only is he blind, he's weak. My mother absolutely refuses to euthanize him unless he starts struggling to breathe, and we're taking him to the vet tomorrow to see if they can do anything about his problems.

Help me make him comfortable with perhaps some situation-specific tips.

Resources and Support for ALS

jabberjaw — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 13:59:31 -0800

My father was recently diagnosed with ALS. I could use your help, particularly if you have personal experience with it. After decades of smoking, it figures my dad would come down with a non-smoking related disease. He is in the early stages of ALS (Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, AKA Lou Gehrig's Disease). Prior to his diagnosis, I had a cursory knowledge of ALS, most of it carried over from the movie The Pride of the Yankees. I didn't even know Steven Hawking had ALS. Today, my pops can still walk and talk, although the quality of both is deteriorating.

What resources, internet and otherwise, are available? Any suggestions on what we can do to prepare; particularly what aspects we should focus on? Any thoughts on support groups - medical, emotional or otherwise? Literature? Movies?

I'd prefer responses from those of you have personal experience with this disease, how to cope, but if your Google-fu is more powerful than mine, then links are also appreciated. We are located in SoCal. MeFi Mail if you would prefer private communications.

God I love my old man.

Thanks.

Help a 3 year old deal with death

TedW — Thu, 22 May 2008 21:57:02 -0800

My wife's beloved grandmother died yesterday and we are wondering how to explain things to our three year old daughter. A little background: Ga-Ga was 88 years old, in failing health but still mostly lucid when she broke her hip last week. After a few ups and downs things were looking reasonably good and she was discharged from the hospital. She then died in her sleep the first night home. Since we lived in the same town, she was a regular presence in our daughter's life, to the point where we all visited her in the hospital in the last few days; our daughter would also ask to call her on the phone. It will be a closed casket funeral/visitation with Catholic mass and we plan to take our daughter rather than simply let Ga-Ga disappear without explanation, but beyond that we are not sure how to explain things. There is plenty of advice on the web, and I have discussed any number of uncomfortable subjects with parents and children in my professional life, but any personal experiences from the folks here would be a great help in guiding us. I probably won't respond for a day or two, but I will eventually post a response to let everyone who answers know how things went.

Donating body to cancer research

judith — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 11:46:20 -0800

A dear friend's mother is dying of lung cancer. It's Stage IV metastatic lung cancer that has spread to her brain, bones and lymph nodes. She very much wants her remains to be donated specifically for cancer research and we're having trouble finding out how to do that. She and her family would prefer that her remains are not used for general medical school anatomy training, but rather that the tumor samples and specific pathology of her disease might help cancer researchers in some way.

Her own doctors have not been able to assist with this, and we are calling various willed body programs without having much luck. Our time frame is a few weeks, so we'd like to get this planned as soon as possible.

Might you know of a facility who would be interested in granting her wish and that would benefit from studying her body?

Where does a will get executed if I die somewhere other than where the will was written?

GuyZero — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 14:38:39 -0800

Where does a will get executed if I die somewhere other than where the will was written? If I write a will in (say) Canada but die in the USA, where is the will executed? What if I was residing in the US? And if I effectively reside in multiple countries (let's say I was retired and split my time between Canada and Florida) do I need two wills? Essentially, how are jurisdictional issues resolved when it comes to executing a will? (Also, let's assume it's a properly prepared will and not just me writing it on a napkin)

Is there anything I(we) can do for a terminally-ill co-worker?

KogeLiz — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 08:20:28 -0800

A co-worker has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Treatments have stopped and Hospice is now involved. He is 61 years old and has been working at the company for 40 years. We are an engineering firm and most of the employees are kind of... well... not the type to try (self-start) and do something for our co-worker of his family. I was wondering if there was anything I could do and/or have the office do to help, comfort, etc Obviously sending 'get well' cards is out of the question. ... I just don't know what it is appropriate. Any ideas? Thanks.

Talking to the dying

NorthCoastCafe — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 15:12:18 -0800

A good friend just received a brain cancer diagnosis with an estimated one year survival time. She wants to talk about death and time. She thinks I have something to teach or tell her worth hearing. I'd like to be helpful, but have no confidence in my ability to say or do anything meaningful. What I've said so far she appreciates. What can I read that might help me frame discussions. I don't need pop psychology stuff, or advice dealing with the health care system or funeral arrangements. I like the idea of Zen notions of letting go but am too ignorant to know what to say. Advice, experience, suggestions for gathering information please.

We're all dying?

jckll — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 13:08:05 -0800

Looking for some source of a quote about, or the general idea that, we are all slowly dying, but some are closer than others. Having this discussion with a friend over whether the idea that everyone is slowly dying, some being closer than others, is just one of those ideas that everyone has at one point or another, or if there is some philosopher, or philosophic school (or any other school or "thinker") who first formulated this idea.

Any help? A link to a quotation/citation would be awesome. I know I'm not being real specific, but I think there's got to be something out there that meets the criteria...

Dying has a way of making family gatherings kind of awkward

Weebot — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 17:23:44 -0800

I'm spending my Thanksgiving in Malaysia, visiting my one of my aunts, along with others in my extended family. I'm almost certain that this will be the last time I'll ever see her. About two weeks ago my family learned that my aunt has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It's beyond treatment, not that treatment is that much of an option for pancreatic cancer. She's not bedridden and well enough now to travel, but we're unsure how long she has since she's being coy with the prognosis. We do know that it wasn't caught early—she was diagnosised with cancer after being hospitalized for jaundice—and some of the more medically-inclined members of the family don't sound too optimistic. They're talking in terms of weeks and months.

So I'm flying out tonight with another one of my mother's sisters to spend a week there. I'm not exactly sure what I'm suppose to do there. It's not exactly a social situation for which I'm equipped to navigate. It's certainly not going to be a happy reunion.

So Hivemind, I'm looking for advice about what to do, things that I/we should do, things that I/we should be avoid, and maybe a story or two.