Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with dumped

That last talk.

Anonymous — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 14:44:51 -0800

How to go about the final talk, the post-mortem, if you will. I got dumped this week. I'd been seeing this girl for about 3 months, a co-worker. Pretty surprising, we had really good times together.

Anyways, we went out earlier in the week, the event we were going to happened to be sold out when we got there, so we went to a favorite bar to hang out. Had a good time, when she's dropping me off, before I get out of the car I get "I have to tell you, I'm getting back together with my ex, so I don't think we should be making out anymore."

I was a little drunk, and pretty caught off-guard by how she phrased this, thinking really? Your going to drop this on me as I get out of the car, after we'd just spent 3 hours having a good time hanging out. And I'm also thinking "Wait, what? we shouldn't be making out anymore? That's all this was?" It wasn't all this was, we were consistently going on dates and having great times. It wasn't just a "hey come on over to watch a movie" type of thing. So I stammered something out giving me some time, she asked for a hug, and then I went on my way.

Anyways, this stings. It hurts that in all the time we spent together, the way she ends it is kind of "By the way...", in passing. It also hurts realizing that I was just some guy she was making out with while she was waiting to get back together with her ex. I haven't met anyone I've gotten along with so well since I moved to my city three years ago, so I know this didn't last super-long, but I'm disappointed.

Since we work together (different departments, but we have to interact quite a bit, and she's close with my co-workers, who don't know we were seeing each other) and since she lives with a good friend of mine, I need to figure out how to be around her without feeling like crap.

I'm going to talk to her tomorrow, since I didn't want to leave things with me drunkenly stammering something, and that's that. I'm hurt, I want to calmly express that, because I don't think she really understands this. And I want to somehow convey that in the interim, I don't think we should try to be friends, and it might be best if she doesn't come down to my department to hang out, which she did the rest of the week at work, making me really uncomfortable, and again, feeling like crap.

Thoughts about how to go about this talk, how I should structure it, how to get the best results out of it (which would be me being able to move on in a healthy way) would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks.

How can I get over him while I'm still in love?

Anonymous — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 18:12:14 -0800

How can I get over him when I fell for hard for him? Recently my "friend" I have been seeing dumped me. Ok, his name is Alex. We said we would take it as friends and see where it goes since I prefer my relationships to go like that anyway but I need to get over what happened just over the summer. This is going to be LONG, I must warn you. We started off first working together for a couple of years. He got fired while I still worked there. I was coming out of a long relationship that was emotionally abusive. So, I wanted time to work on myself. I got several months of working on myself before he started to take an interest in me and was aggressively pursuing me. I know all the signs when a man is interested. He told his friends about me. I know because one of his buddies asked a question testing to see if I spilled the beans about him being fired from his job. When I answered that my friend left because things were getting hectic, etc. Alex's friend smiled and said "I know he was fired I was testing you. You are a good friend." Yea, I don't like being tested but I sheepishly laughed and smiled. So, I knew Alex had something for me. Another time is when he asked me to come down to a bar he regularly visits. I didn't know if I could make it but on the way I made a surprise visit. His family was there. I met his family, awesome bunch.

Upon leaving he asked me out on a date. I said "I'll think about it." Then he said "My parents love you!" I said "really?" He said "yea." It was cool, but I was cautious because we didn't even date yet. So, he invited me out again to a family bbq. His family loves him. He is the cool, calm seemingly collected guy. The only two things I noticed at the function were him throwing beer bottle caps at one of his female cousin's face jokingly to which another female cousin replied with "That's not nice, that's not nice" and gave him a 'what-the-heck-is-wrong-with-you-look'. Also, I overheard a conversation in he still owed one of his family members some money and the guy was pissed at Alex for not agressively reaching out to let him know the situation. Anyways, minor things.

I agree to a date and we didn't start on our first one until 2 weeks later. But in between time, he was talking and joking about things like marriage and talking about kids. Barely know the man, I needed to be friends first. But he was seemingly sincere, charming and swept me off my feet. Had many qualities I liked in a man. Wasn't obnoxious, didn't argue, not controlling, easy to get along with. We both had sarcastic humor but I learned his is more witty and crass. It turned out to be a downside because while I can be sarcastic I like to have real conversations and lift people up.

His sarcasm includes name calling, which he does with everyone. He called me dummy and asshole in which I reminded him more than once to be cool with that. Well, he didn't remember and has done it a few more times. Cool. I still thought the positive outweighed the negative. But then I started feeling insecure as to how he felt about me. When we were together he would be all over me and wishing how I would proudly state I would never leave him and him never leaving me but kinda half jokingly. Then at the same token, he would say something sarcastically like, my taste in music or movies. We went to a movie rental spot and even though he told me I could pick out the movie, whatever I wanted, he was there talking how he wants to see a comedy because he basically didn't trust my taste in film. I thought "This man had the last pick of the movies and the one before that... I like to get what I want." So, he kept up making sarcastic jokes and I was feeling a bit sensitive so I walked away and told him he was making me feel bad. He apologized and asked why I was being so senistive he was only joking. I replied "That's just me."

Now, I noticed when his sarcasm gets to the point of cutting me, even if hes playing and I call him out on it, I can't help but notice he seems distant for a moment and less playful. He can't help his sarcasm, and some of the times hes done it and I would lightly point out in a good-natured fun manner how he is being insensitive he comes back with "I'm only teasing. I didn't mean it." Ok, I was willing to look past all that. Because in truth I was being guarded and figured once I get comfortable then I could let my guard down with him and not take what he says seriously. But I couldn't help but think why he thought it was funny to joke about beating women or beating me "like a man." To me, there was no wit in saying that. If you are dating someone, wouldn't you try to make an effort to not be as offensive until they get to know you better? But maybe I was offending him. Either way he didn't let me know if I was.

He hooked me in only to back away and he was going to just let me fade into the background until I asked for some real honest discourse from him. All I wanted was to have communication where it was real and not just poking fun all the time. When I did, is when he opened up and said "A man knows what he wants and 2 months is more than enough time to feel a connection." He wasn't feeling a connection so he emotionally pulled away from me. That hurts. I couldn't get through his snide and sarcastic remarks which always left me guessing as to what his intentions were. I keep thinking I did something wrong. I keep thinking "Well, if I wasn't so guarded, if I didn't display my displeasure with things that bothered me so much." I did feel in my gut more than once that he was an aloof character and will let things fade into the background if he isn't interested so that always made me cautious before I got to dating him. He is also prone to boredom and I don't know if pursuing me was something to get out of his boredom. I'm trying to keep in mind on why he wasn't good for me but I still feel hurt. Despite his sarcasm, I held on to the supportive sweet man who was consistent in at least keeping me in his radar. These memories I can't get over. How can I get over him?

Getting over the ex I still live with

Anonymous — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 07:36:06 -0800

Any tips for getting over someone who you still have to live with? I got dumped and I'm devastated. I think the bruise to my ego is actually the worst of it. I'm also very sexually frustrated and he turns me on so much.

I've been googling for tips on how to get over someone, and cutting off all contact seems to be the first thing they all say. The problem is that I have been staying with him and I live in an area with a huge housing crisis, so I don't have the option to move out immediately. The ex is being a nice guy and letting me stay until I find somewhere (plus he needs the help on the rent this summer). Even before we broke up, I had been trying to find my own place, but no luck. I'm told that apartments get much easier to find in August, but that still means I need to get through these three months. I'm pretty new in this town, so I don't really have anyone who will let me crash at their place. I have gone through all my options and it's clear that I am stuck here for a while. It's a one room apartment, too.

Anyone else been through this situation? Any advice for getting through it?

Why are sofas dumped beside the road always missing the cushions?

Zaire — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 03:49:55 -0800

Why are sofas dumped beside the road always missing the cushions? I can't really figure out why people take sofa/couch cushions but not a whole sofa... is it for pet beds? That's all I can think of.... I saw a woman jumping out of her car and taking 2 sofa cushions yesterday and if I had been nearer to her I would have asked her what she planned to do with them...

It's really bugging me not knowing. Any insights would be appreciated! Thanks :)

How do I have casual sex without post-breakup guilt?

Anonymous — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 13:38:55 -0800

How can I have casual/rebound sex without post-breakup guilt? So, a little over a month ago, my SO of 4 years dumped me for another girl ("She's just a friend! I swear!"). We were living together, and this came as a complete surprise to me, as things seemed to be going swimmingly, and we were very vocal about our love/like/satisfaction with each other and our life together. After a mere three weeks of dating her, he is basically living at her house, making unrealistic commitments to her, acting as though our relationship essentially never happened, and I am the Crazy Evil Ex from years ago, while I'm still trying to recover from the initial shock. Needless to say, I am hurt, confused, and broken, but I'm trying to stay positive and move forward in a healthy way. I'm doing my due diligence in regards to reading all the relevant BreakupFilter AskMes and heeding their advice. I'm getting out there, dancing, drinking, having fun, reconnecting with old pals, reading, writing tons, drawing, watching all my favorite movies, and trying to re-discover how awesome I am. I have some bad days, but I generally feel like I'm doing really well.

As part of my recovery process, I'm trying to get laid. I'm finding all these boys crawling out of the woodwork, saying that they've been waiting for me to be single for a long time, and they're stoked that they now have the chance to make their move; no one is more surprised by this development than me, as Mr. Gone basically trashed my self esteem, and left me feeling ugly, fat, stupid, gross, and completely unlikely to ever find anyone again.

The simple fact that these dudes are expressing interest is already doing tons to improve my self-image, but as much as I want to bang these boys, I can't help feeling like I'm cheating on Him, and it's killing my libido mid-makeout. I hooked up with an old friend who stated his years-long desire to start something with me; this is someone who I really like, am attracted to, trust, and who would make an excellent rebound pal. Not only was I not turned on by what should have been a most awesome evening of dirtiness (I was reduced to saying "Lets just cuddle!"), but now I feel extreme guilt for even thinking of going-all-the-way with someone else. Obviously this is silly, as Mr. Gone is very with someone else, having tons of excellent sex himself, and I know that he ain't coming back...but still... It just feels so wrong!

(This was my first LTR, first cohabitation, first real heartbreak, and the lack of relevant dumpee experience is annoying.)

So: This is normal, right? Is it just too soon for me to be out and about in this way? How long did it take you guys to get to the point of being cool with being with someone else, even casually?

Lost in Japan

Anonymous — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 07:11:35 -0800

Dumped, and lost in Japan. Advice? This summer I planned a trip to meet up with some old friends in Japan for New Years. I invited my long-term girlfriend along, who is half-Japanese and who had always expressed deep, soulful wishes to return to her homeland. She was excited and her parents immediately got us plane tickets as xmas gifts using frequent flyer miles.

At the time that seemed really grand, but fast forward several months and she rushes in from left-field and dumps me for another guy she just met... which, of course, does wonders for one's self-esteem. So she canceled her ticket, which (for whatever reason) moved the departure date of my ticket ahead by one week, thereby cutting the time I'm there with my friends from over a week down to two to three days. At that point I was willing to just buy a whole new ticket at inflated prices to save my plans, but the airline said all flights were booked.

The short of it is that I'm now going to be in Japan for a week all alone (Tokyo 13th-20th). I no longer have a travel companion that speaks and reads Japanese, and I'm kind of scared. I haven't thought about the trip or tried to make plans because it depresses me to think about it. I hate the idea of being there. Yet I'm the one that initiated the whole Japanland plan, and I can't not meet my friends there.

I envision myself just sort of laying down on a park bench and trying to force myself to sleep for a week to make the time pass as quickly as possible. Maybe some dutiful peacekeepers will come along and I can at least sleep the unwanted time away in a warmer jail cell.

Any advice on what I should do and how to survive my week-long exile?

Is the title a mash-up of Lost in Translation and Tom Waits' Big in Japan? Double plus hipster points?

after breaking up will he change his mind?

theobromine_ady — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 08:56:10 -0800

Can any of you men out there help me translate this situation and maybe give me some guidance as to how to go forward? I was dumped by my boyfriend of a year-and-a-half without warning and his reason was this: "I don't want a relationship of any kind. I just want to be in my own space and spend my time with my son and my dogs." But then he added that I am his best friend, he thinks I'm fabulous, respects me more than any other human, thinks I'm beautiful and wants me to stay his friend because "we are excellent at being friends."
I am devistated and heartbroken. He can give me no reason other than wanting his space back.

The relationship, from the very get-go, was easy and comfortable and romantic and full of sparks and sex and laughter. We never had an argument or disagreement about anything. Our children (each have one) love each other and each of us.

It was a pretty casual relationship and we didn't see each other every day. When we were together we were close physically, holding hands, hugging, smooching, always smiling and laughing. The sex was great, too. Really great. Neither of us want to get married again and the road we were on together seemed just the right one.

We were very protective of the kids and only had overnights if there weren't any around. We each believed we were a gift to the other from the universe for some great deed performed in a different life. "all that and a bag of chips" if you will.

So after a fabulous weekend together he called me Thursday to say he needed to "air some things out." We had a deal that neither would require the other to guess the thoughts and he said he needed to talk because he was having some thoughts he didn't want me to guess.

Bomb dropped after dinner. Break up. Stop it cold. No discussion. His own space. No relationship of any kind, with anyone. No reason. No incident. No other person. No nothing just KABLAM! Over. But would I be his best friend.

Two things have happened in the last few months. One is that he switched, very slowly and under doctor supervision, from Zoloft to Cymbalta. He says that on the Cymbalta he feels better than he has ever felt, his back doesn't hurt (he had a paralyzing back injury 10 years ago, rehabbed back to full function but has had chronic, horrible back pain since the accident) for the first time in 10 years and now he wants to be alone. I truly believe this isolation is a side-effect from the meds but he doesn't and it's not my place to say. He didnt' tell his doctor that we broke up. Just tells him he "feels great". The other thing was that a few months ago I left for a two week job training out-of-state. I missed him terribly. He told me he missed me. Our reuinion was sweet and passionate. But on D-day he told me that while I was gone he realized I was much more into his "space" than he wanted me to be and now he wants it back.

I am not a smotherer. Yes, I enjoyed his company greatly. I have my own life, am independent (sometimes to a fault), am a single mother, have a great (and demanding) job, two actually. But he was so fabulous that I rearranged some priorities to spend more time with him.

I asked him to change his mind. To try this with a pull-back plan and not spend so much time together. He said "no".

Help me! I have tried to stay his friend but it is too painful to be in his company and pretend that I don't want to be close. When we are together it feels exactly the same: easy, fun, full of laughter and smiles, comfortable, close, smart but without the hand-holding and kissing.

We are in our 40s, both divorced, both had given up on finding someone and this was so right, so good, so fabulous. Why, then, would a smart, passionate, compassionate, loving man throw this away without any reason other than wanting to be alone?

Is he just that damaged and broken from his horrible ex?
Is he protecting me from something so therefore not telling me some horrible thing I did wrong or didn't do?

He said he doesn't have a single mean thing to say to me or about me. He still finds me attractive and sexy but doesn't want to have sex. He's a real gentleman and a casual sexual relationship, in his mind, is disrespectful and so therefore not an option. And I'm not going to demean myself by asking for one anyway.

He emails me a dozen times a day. If I'm late to reply he sends "where are you? are you okay? messages."
Help. Translate this for me. I don't speak boy!

Our paths are going to cross a lot. Our kids go to the same school. We swim at the same pool. We walk our dogs the same places. We live in the same neighborhood. Do I just stay away and let my fire fizzle? Is there hope that he'll realize he threw away something so very fabulous and beg for it back? Do I chalk this up to another broken heart that didn't kill me? Anyone familiar with Cymbalta and will the isolation necessity wane and he'll realize he doesn't want to be alone?

Thanks.

Songs for Post-Breakup Blues

chota — Sun, 05 Jun 2005 22:10:40 -0800

WhyDoesItHurtSoMuchFilter: Recently, my boyfriend of about 3 years broke up with me. Apparently not because of anything I did, but because he needs to "sort some stuff out" (which apparently means jumping into the arms of another man in under a week, but I digress). Unfortunately, I'm still madly in love with him. Oh, and we're roommates. Anyway, I'm looking for songs that I can buy from iTunes Music Store to express the mixture of sadness / betrayal / anger / hopelessness / listlessness / general malaise / etc. I'm feeling. Do you have a mixtape for the dumped? I'm looking for two types of songs; those by which to wallow in self-pity (for now), and those by which to feel empowered (for later). Bonus points for musical selections which meet both those criteria.

Examples for Wallowing:
Dry Your Eyes by The Streets
MMMBop by Hanson (don't laugh)
The Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice

Also, sorry for using Ask Metafilter for venting. I'm just... ugh.

(Hint: To get the iTMS URL, find the song in iTMS, right-click, and select "Copy iTunes Music Store URL. This is not mandatory (obviously), but it will help me quickly spend money, which also helps ease the pain... Thanks!)