Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with drama

Seize the day... in the suckiest sense.

six sided sock — Tue, 18 Jun 2013 08:27:24 -0800

AskingForAFriend filter (at his suggestion): I had the "perfect" chance to break up, and I blew it. What now, metafilter? [Transcribed and re-worded from my friend's email; apologies if the pronouns don't always make sense].

I've been seeing for about eight months, and for the most part, it's been good. For the last few weeks, though, I've felt a growing discontent - nothing that I could put my finger on or articulate properly, but just a knowledge that this relationship, as good as it was, wasn't going to be the one for me. I discussed it with my girlfriend, telling her that I wasn't sure where it was headed, but we agreed to carry on seeing each other for the time being, since I couln't articulate a specific "this is what's wrong" about the relationship.

I should note at this point that my girlfriend has some severe abandonment issues, which she's been working on for a number of years. They've only had a minor impact on our relationship, and we've worked around them by the aforementioned Skyping-every-day so that she knew that I still loved and cared about her.

Last week I had to cut short a vist to my GF [Ed: they live in different cities, a couple of hours apart] after my father got life-threateningly sick [Ed: he's now on the road to recovery, thankfully]. During that time I didn't keep on top of communicating with my girlfriend - usually when we're apart we Skype every night - and although I kept her up-to-date with things via SMS and emails, she began to feel (her words) that I was cutting her out of my life and that I didn't really want to be around her. Although I reassured her about this - that I was going through a really rough time and was not deliberately trying to distance myself from her.

After a lot of reflection last week - sitting in the hospital with a sick relative gives you a lot of time to reflect, I find - I decided that it was time to end things. Carrying things on wasn't fair to me, because I wasn't enjoying myself, but more importantly it wasn't fair to her - she's a lovely woman whom I really did love, however briefly, and she deserves to be with someone as amazing as she is. I resolved to tell her yesterday, and to tell her to her face, since she deserved better than to be dumped over the phone from a distance.

When I met her, she knew that something was wrong. She asked if I was okay, I told her that I wanted to talk about us, and she said "You want to end things with me, don't you? You're going to leave me like everyone else." And instead of saying yes, instead of letting her down as gently as I could, I told her that no, of course I wasn't, but that I needed time to think about our relationship more. She asked if I loved her, and I said yes, even though I know that to be at least in part a lie now.

And we had dinner together, made love, did all the coupley things that a couple might do. We had a good evening together and fell asleep in each other's arms.

And today I'm livid at myself. I lied to someone I profess to care about, I lead her on when she was vulnerable, and I did all I could to avoid breaking her heart despite knowing that that was going to make me even less happy than I already was.

So I need your advice:

1) How do I forgive myself for my utter dickishness?
2) How do I tackle this issue now, knowing that I want to break up with her, without seeming like a complete jerk (can I even hope to do that, since that's what I've been?
3) In future, how can I be more assertive when I'm dealing with this kind of emotionally painful situation?

Here we go again...?

Anonymous — Sun, 02 Jun 2013 07:03:28 -0800

My long-term partner and I had relationship problems, spent some time apart, and are in the process of getting our lives back into one home. Now that I've moved my stuff back in, problems that I thought we'd dealt with are happening again. Is it time to go back to therapy or is there something else I can be doing? Two of the major stress areas for us have been food and travel, along with my partner*'s anxieties about abandonment and my own anger management issues, both of which stem from childhood experiences.

My partner is not a picky eater, but has trouble articulating what they want to eat until it's suggested to them. This can lead to some friction when we're in a new place, and at its worst it has led to my partner agreeing to eat at a place, letting me order, and then refusing to eat anything because they felt too rushed, or like it was the wrong place, or just plain not in the mood.

Travel is an interesting problem because I have a very good sense of location and direction whilst - and I say this with all the love in the world - my partner has absolutely none, and really struggles to follow directions, even when they're given by a GPS (habitually turning left instead of right, inventing turns, going the wrong way down one-way streets and so on).

We separated in large part because we weren't communicating, but these two things were also huge issues. I was the one who decided that we needed time apart, and I was also responsible for getting us into therapy. I was already seeing a therapist for my anger problems and continue to do so. My partner saw a therapist about the abandonment anxiety, but stopped going after six weeks, with the therapist's blessing.

Both the food and travel stress were things that we worked hard on whilst we were separated and in couples' therapy. We came up with a system for both: with food, we planned out a menu for the week, even if we were going to be somewhere new (it didn't have to be detailed, but "Thai on Wednesday, Italian Thursday, Steak on Friday" did the job). As far as the travel was concerned, we'd long held that I was responsible for navigating and that should we get separated it was up to me to find my partner or, if that wasn't possible, find the simplest possible directions that I could for them and talk them through getting to my location.

Whilst I was living separately from my partner we did *brilliantly*. We took a couple of vacations together in the kind of countries with only a notional sense of signposting and managed to get around without arguing. We also managed to get through the food problems with minimal fuss by sticking to our menu system. I was really proud and really hopeful that we'd found a way to deal with our problems. The future looked rosy.

I've been properly moved back for about five days (having spent increasing proportions of my time at our joint home for about a month before that), and whilst things at first seemed to be going well, this weekend both the travel and food nightmares reared their heads. In a restaurant, my partner refused to eat any of the food whilst insisting that I ate ("you brought us here, so you eat something, otherwise you'll make us both look like fools" was one of the things I was told). My partner finally agreed to eat something later on at a different restaurant. The travel problem occurred after my partner exited a building from a different door than the one through which they entered, leading to a situation where they ended up walking into a pretty rough neighbourhood. At the time I was unable to come and find them, as I was stuck on a train, but I found their location using Find My Friends and guided my partner to a bus stop on a familiar route. I did this whilst my partner was screaming obscenities at me down the phone and telling me that they knew I was going to abandon them again. I had remained pretty calm, but at one point snapped "Just what do you expect me to be able to do right now?" which is what set off the tirade.

Since then my partner has barely stopped apologising and keeps telling me how they "know [they've] screwed up [their] chances" and then begs me not to leave. I've been as soothing and as calming as I can, promising that I haven't changed my mind and that I do love them.

I haven't changed my mind about staying, but I can't deny that I've had a bit of a wobble over the last 24 hours, and wondered just how long my tether might be and whether I'm coming to the end of it. I think that we should go back to therapy - and have said so - but my partner tells me that they think that it would be pointless and that we just need to try harder.

Is trying harder enough, MeFi, or is more therapy what we need?

*trying to keep this anonymous, so gender is obscured with clunky pronouns. Apologies.

What to do when the sickener hits?

Anonymous — Mon, 27 May 2013 04:49:53 -0800

How does one handle sudden epiphanies about relationships, the kind of ones that happen when waking one morning and completely reverse your feelings from the night before? I've been dating a very wonderful woman for the last 8 months or so. We've been very much in love, talking about moving in together in the summer. Yesterday we spent a day looking at places to move to in our city and have found the perfect area - largely within our budget, friendly, well-kept. We went to bed dreaming of the future and of how wonderful our life will be.

This morning I woke with a remarkably strong feeling: I don't want this. Not only do I not want to move in together, but I don't want to spend my life with this fantastic person who just yesterday I was head-over-heels with.

This kind of sudden change in thinking has never happened to me before. I've experienced the end of a relationship's honeymoon period, I've dealt with waning romance and I'd like to think that by and large I've done it in a very mature fashion. This feels like neither of those things, and I have no idea how I'm supposed to deal with it.

Part of me strongly thinks I should talk it through with my partner, but what if I wrong? What if my feelings flip again tomorrow? I'm aware that she's had some flaky boyfriends in the past who have talked big things and then disappeared into the ether, and I don't want to be that guy.

How does one deal with sudden flips of emotion like this? How can I work out what caused it? Is this a message From my subconscious or just pessimistic overreaction to the joys of yesterday?

Getting Over A Craptastic Relationship

yonega — Sat, 25 May 2013 14:31:05 -0800

So, I was together with someone for 16 months and things were 'okay' for most of that time. We moved in together and things rapidly unraveled as I came to some sharp realizations about the way things were going and asserted my needs--she immediately got squirrelly, the relationship ended soon after. I feel like a heartbroken idiot and don't know how to move beyond my pain. The entire saga is inside. So, I was friends with a woman for about 9ish months or so. Most of that time she was in a relationship, she also staunchly identified identified as a lesbian, so I didn't consider her a romantic prospect.

She asked me to help her with a web project and while working closely with her I became infatuated with her, even though I knew she was dating several people. So I made my move, sent her this epic 7 page text message declaration of romantic intent. She dumps the other three people, we get together.

Before I actually got close to her I saw her as being strong, aloof, and independent.. over the course of the relationship I realized she was really insecure and has very low self-esteem. I tried to be supportive of her; Giving her validation and reassurance.

She would get snappish and angry when she didn't get attention from me as often as she wanted or the kind of attention she wanted. I'm the sort of person who periodically gets very immersed in things and forgets to come up for air. She reached out to me in a way that was framed as though I was doing something TO her, rather than in a way that was about me. (e.g. 'Hey, I thought you might need some air.) And in terms of the kind of attention: She on a few occassions got weirdly angry at me for not asking her about her friends or her home country. Even though we talked about those things and I always listened and asked questions. I guess it wasn't enough for her or something.

Now, the entire time we were together she was in school and my nose was mostly on the grindstone, increasing my skills to end a period of underemployment, and after that working for clients as often as possible. So both of our social circles contracted a bit. (It's normal for my social life to contract when I'm really involved in something though.)

We tried to work together for a while, but whenever we had work sessions she would get frustrated and emotional and go from coworker to needy girlfriend in no time flat, ending the session.. so I called it off because I realized we were never going to be successful together.

Anyway, I really liked her, despite her flaws, and things were mostly okay. Spending time with her was a great way to unwind from work, I felt safe when I with her most of the time, and she was a very important part of my life.

Then last fall she starts making noises about moving in together. I liked her and wanted to see more of her, but also she asserted that she wanted a domestic relationship and that if I wasn't going to do that we may as well break up.

So, we create a plan, first I move into her place for a month, while I do some work on my house to accomodate her presence, then she moves into my place.

A week or two before the plan was enacted we had a big fight. She called me up one night, after it was already pretty late, and I'd been working heavily, trying to finish projects before the big life change, I'd also been doing a lot of family stuff around the holidays.. I was just completely drained. She wanted me to come see her (she never offered to come to me) and I told her I just couldn't do it. Then she started pushing, and I asked her to stop pushing, and told her that I really just needed some alone time to recharge so I'd be able to get through the things I had ahead of me. Even after I asked her to stop pushing, she kept pushing, and I told her that the pushing was making me nervous about moving in together, that I was afraid that she would disrupt my ability to recover from the effort of meeting my obligations. She took this to mean that I didn't want to move in with her and that I was backing out and got really upset, even as I told her that I wasn't backing out, but this was an important boundary. Then she said she had to get off the phone with me.

I meet her at her place the next night and she lays into me. She tells me that I'm unreliable, that I never do what I say I'm going to do, that my career as a freelance web developer is a stupid dream that will never come to fruition, and that I won't amount to anything and that I'm ruining her life by backing out and now she has no place to go. I tell her again that I'm not backing out and that I don't know what she's doing but I didn't come here to break up with her. Then I throw some reassurance and validation at her and we end up reconciling.

When I moved into her place.. things changed. I realized that her emotional stability was a lot less than I thought it was: She was crying alot and needing a lot more attention, validation, and reassurance than she had before. I figured she was just stressed out from school and nervous about moving or whatever.

So, she moves in with me and the first couple of days were great. Then shit got real. She started crying every time she came home. Asking me when I was going to do house things but never offering to help. Accusing me of trying to turn her into a nagging girlfriend. I call her on placing demands on me without offering to help me with anything and she apologizes for it later.

We sort of get on for the next few weeks, but she's not putting anything into the homefront or into the relationship, she's just crying and taking my support, also crying on the phone to her parents and getting them to help her with her schoolwork. I know she's busy with school, but I'm feeling completely drained at this point--so I tell her, I tell her that I appreciate that her school is taxing but if this is going to work she has to put into the relationship, she can't just take.

So, her spring break is coming up, and I'm viewing this as an opprotunity to spend some time together and work on some things. But she makes and cements a plan to go to her home country for her entire spring break--right after she moved into my house! I stew about this for a few days and then before she leaves I decide to talk to her about it, basically a rehash of the previous discussion. I call her on being a non-contributing partner in the relationship, on not including me in her decisions that affect me, or taking my feelings into account at all. She admits to this behaviour and promises to improve when she returns, she just needs a vacation, we reconcile. She leaves for her spring break--Hey, at least we'll have her summer vacation, right?

She calls me from her home country and asks me to marry her and move there. Lots more tears. At this point I'm like 'WTF?' Anyway, we keep talking and she tells me she's having some kind of emotional breakdown, but she loves me and wants to stay together or whatever.

So, she comes home. I stay up waiting for her but she doesn't get in until late and I go to sleep. I wake up and find her sleeping on the couch, I wake her up and take her to bed. In the morning we have some pretty good sex and then she tells me she's decided that she's going to quit school after the semester ends and move back to her home country. Another decision she didn't include me in, lays this on me with no warning. She says that I could come with her or we could do a long distance thing or something? I guess that was the consolation prize or something.

Now, I'm really upset, I feel as though I've been completely jerked around, so I tell her how I'm feeling and what I think of what she's doing and what she's done. She basically just listens mutely, we have a few of these conversations.

I hit a point where I just don't feel emotionally safe living with her (I caught myself hiding in the bathroom after bathing, because I didn't want to face her.) and I ask her to move out as soon as possible. Things are up and down until she goes. I keep being supportive of her and pouring energy into her and not getting anything back, but old habits die hard.

A few weeks later she moves out. (We lived together for about three months total.) I go to visit her once at her new place the day after I helped her move.. it's totally weird. She spontaneously rubbed my shoulders, something that she has never done, and tells me she did it because a male friend of hers noticed she was sore and spotaneously rubbed her shoulders, so then she realized I must be sore and decided to rub mine. Why she told me this? I don't know. (Over the course of things she did tell me things that seemed to have no point but to inspire jealousy, for example: Telling me about a male friend who was hitting on her when they were out drinking, asking me if I was okay with her marrying someone else for immigration purposes and they'd pay her 10K, stuff like that.) She initiates sex and it leaves me feeling really.. empty. I ask her for something small when we're parting, to walk to the store with me, it's silly but I just wanted to ask her for something and for her to say yes.

I call her up and tell her that I want to stay with her but she has to give, she's not been giving, she's only been taking and I'm feeling completely empty, I'm also really upset and that's showing as anger. We meet up for drinks a week later or so and she gets mad at me and tells me that I'm telling her bad things about herself and she doesn't like it and if I want to stay with her I can't say things like that and we should just break up. We agree to take a week to think about things. When I get home I text her and tell her that I still love her and I don't know WTF happened or WTF is going on but I want my girlfriend back, she tells me I'm really sweet and thanks me for all the flowery crap I always say about her.

Then the next day she calls me up and breaks up with me by way of forcing me to break up with her, saying she can't stand to see me making myself vulnerable to her and that I deserve better or whatever.

So, as I process this glorious clusterfuck that has just unfolded, we communicate by email and on the phone sometimes.. realizations about her behavior and the way she treated me bubble up and I share them with her. It's not a great time.

Shit levels off, we agree to go on a final date together after her semester ends, I begin seeing my therapist again. We do the final date thing, spend the whole night into the next day together showering each other in affection and love and validation. I lie to her a lot, when she asks me too. She needs to believe she's not a taker and a bad person and I know that she needs to believe this, so when she says she's not, I agree with her. I bid her goodbye, then I close her account. Bam, done.

So, I'm feeling like I found the good ending, however, she left some things at my house. She comes back exactly a week later, carrying a six pack of cider and a bag of chips (she says she was planning to watch a movie later and that's what that was about), she's wearing a short dress and some high high boots, and she's displaying need all over the place. Not two minutes inside the door the crying starts, she tells me how she misses me and she still loves me, and I respond to it. Fuck me, I respond to it, I still miss her.. she was never supposed to try to come back like this. I start giving her validation, reassurance, and love.. she asks me to lie to her some more and I do, we start touching each other, we have sex, very clear in that it means we're not getting back together. She also leaves without collecting her stuff.

A few days after that, I'm out and I get to thinking about her and I miss her so I call her with need, she's out with 'a friend'. So I go out, get riproaring drunk, hit on everything with legs, get home and notice she texted me at 5am asking me if I was still up to meet. I thought it was odd because who texts someone at 5am. We make a plan to meet this week to talk about everything.

So, a week from then, now we're at Friday, May 24, 2013.. also known as yesterday. She had cancelled on me for the day before and rescheduled to Friday, but she has limited time because she's going to 'a thing' (she's become very circumspect). So I go to her, and yes.. I have need. I need back some of that validation, reassurance, and love I gave to her.. but I know deep down that she doesn't give she only takes. So, that's exactly what happens. She even starts crying when I approach her that way and accuses me of crossing lines and blurring boundaries.. I guess she's the only one who is allowed to do that.

Anyway, I go home and do some thinking, then I have a realization. The friend she was out with last week and last night, she said she was 'not really' dating someone and that's who she's not really dating. She was friends with this person for a long part of the time we were together. I've never met this man, she never invited me to meet this man, and at the time when she was completely checking out of our relationship--taking from me and giving absolutely nothing--she was spending a lot of time with him. I highly doubt that the attraction suddenly manifested. Then I thought about it and realized that she always keeps a stable of admirers around to shower her with attention and validation. She was setting this shit up while we were together, treating me like shit, taking my energy and spending it with him.

So, now I realize that I need to be completely done with her. I don't want to get back together with her, I don't want to be her friend, I don't want to see her, I don't want to hear any news of her. I told her to come get her shat as soon as possible. Frankly, if she cancels the shit is going to the curb.

I don't know how to get on though. I feel pain, I've got a boatload of unmetneeds, I suck at pretending, and my emotional energy level--in terms of what I have left to share with other people--is at zero.

How do I move on? How do I commit to my work with this eating away at my psyche? I've tried to start dating again, but after she came back, I never called back the one woman I went on a date with and that ship sailed without me.I'm so upset/angry that it's physically hurting me. If I could edit her out of my memories I would do so without hesitation. I'm not an idiot but I let myself get completely taken for a ride.

I feel on edge and I'm worried about self-destructing, about losing everything that I worked so hard to build for myself over the last year, because I invested so heavily in this shit.

I'm sorry this is so long, MetaFilter.. I just know there are a lot of experienced people out here and I need some help. I'm doing the therapy thing but it's not working fast enough, I'm on edge and I need some advice to get through this patch.

Your doubt about my lack of doubts is giving me doubts

Anonymous — Sun, 19 May 2013 09:13:27 -0800

I'm currently in the process of moving in with my girlfriend of ~2 years. Everything was going smoothly, but now that I'm half moved in she's scared every day that I'm going to think I've made a mistake. How can I best move forward here? We talked long and hard before deciding to move in together, making sure our goals for the future were aligned and that we weren't going to be causing each other any career problems by doing so. She already owned a house large enough for the two of us, so it made sense for me to move out of my one-bedroom apartment and into her place.

The moving process started last weekend. We decided to forego proper movers - too expensive, not enough stuff to justify it - and moved a lot of stuff by car, leaving the bulkier items for this weekend, when we were planning to hire a van.

Unfortunately, life intervened and I was called away for work this weekend (I'm a consultant and have to travel internationally at short notice sometimes; I found out on Sunday that I'd be flying out the following Friday). That meant that we had to put off the last of the moving until next weekend. This wasn't a huge deal to me as I have the lease on my place until the end of June, but my girlfriend has started asking me, every single day, whether I think I've made a mistake by moving in with her, and whether I'm just keeping my apartment as a bolt-hole should I think I've done the wrong thing.

I know that she's had problems with flaky boyfriends in the past, so at first I thought this was an anxiety that I could help her with, at least a little. But as time's gone on over the past week she's gotten more and more worried that I don't really love her (I do, and I tell her, yet she's started to ask me every single day if I do) and that I don't really want to move in with her (I really do; I think she's amazing and that we'd have a wonderful life together).

How do I move forward from here? It seems no amount of reassuring her with words will help. Even when the bulky stuff (mostly furniture) is moved from my old place to the new she's said she'll still worry "until [I've] got nowhere else to go back to" (which as I type it raises a red flag a little bit). I've tried having a proper conversation with her about it ("when you repeatedly ask whether or not I love you, I feel that I can't express my love in a way that's believable to you; how could I better express it?") but she just said that she trusted me and that it was unfair of me to believe otherwise, and we ended up having a row because that was not what I was trying to say at all.

I love this girl. I think we're amazing together, and I'm worried that she's hurting because of something I can do nothing much about. At the same time, I'm starting to wonder if I may actually have made a mistake, because this is so far away from the reaction I was expecting.

Can anyone help me with the right way to move forward here? How can I address this in a gentle way? Should I be running for the hills despite my feelings?

How do we deal with adults acting like teenagers?

Trexsock — Mon, 06 May 2013 05:33:48 -0800

How to deal with a snowball of special snowflake drama from supposed friends and set clear boundaries when they are being clearly unreasonable. Related to the last question I posted whereas slightly different. (Yes I took the advice and brought it up to her and we've discussed the issue... this kinda spawned from it whereas not from our side):

This question is for me and my girlfriend (Q - aged 26); she has a best friend (M - aged 21) who she's been friends with for a good few years now. They used to talk every single day online pretty constantly before we got together. They were a sort of support system for each other while going through some shitty times - both suffering from depression and M with severe anxiety to top it all off.

Myself and my gf made friends at the same time as myself and M, as well as a 4th person (C - aged 21). For a while, we were all good friends but then me and Q started getting closer and chatting on webcam every night for around 8 hours or so. This caused an issue with both M and C, as they said they could tell when we were chatting together as we both started ignoring them. Both M and C have an issue they've talked about before where they are afraid of people leaving them and being ignored, so myself and Q think this factors into their reaction quite a lot.

M and Q have been having a lot of issues because of all this; they've had lots of arguments where M makes Q feel like she's the one in the wrong all the time, and as if she's not considering M's feelings when I know that she has been doing quite intensely.

M claims that Q is ignoring her because she doesn't reply to messages straight away, and that she's been "dumped" for me because she now has everything she needs in her relationship with me.

Meanwhile, C and M have been getting closer and closer during this time. C makes passive aggressive posts on her blog, vague enough that people who don't know what's going on wouldn't think anything of it, but completely obvious to us that they're about me and Q. She took it upon herself to talk to Q online, getting really pissy and angry about how Q wasn't considering M's feelings and that she was "skirting around the issue", which Q quite rightly got pissed off at. She gave C a piece of her mind about not getting involved, since it wasn't anything to do with her, and then she seemed like she backed off.

On the same day, M and Q decided that they should have a "friendship break" for two weeks to see if they can take a step back and sort things out and then see if they can be friends again afterwards. All well and good, but still feeling super teenagey. So that was going well right up until last night, when Q got an anonymous message being rude about a hairstyle she's considering - it was quite obvious it was from one of the parties above, because the grammar and writing style was identical. Q responded in kind, leading to more anonymous messages getting pissed off at her reactions. In the end, M and C unfollowed both myself and Q on this blog, leading to myself unfollowing them too. I got a message from M afterwards explaining, and saying that she didn't want me to take it personally because it was only temporary and that it was weird for her to see my posts from Q. I replied fairly reasonably, but then M's housemate (L - aged 22) decided to get involved and send me messages too, saying that I was attacking M and that I should keep out of it.

Sounds somewhat hypocritical to me, and again, feeling a lot like being 15 and in high school. Messages went back and forth between me and L where she got really aggressive and said that Q should start thinking about how her actions are affecting M.

So I think that basically the point is: how the hell do we deal with all this drama? It's making me and Q really stressed out and increasing my own anxiety. I know Q doesn't want to cut contact forever with M considering how close they are, but the fact that she's just getting other people involved is really getting to Q.

I would, myself, prefer to cut contact but obviously that'd be a strain to the relationship and it's not something I can honestly demand out of anyone, least someone I care so much about. On the other hand, it's been so much stress and drama in such a short amount of time that I am at my wits end about all of this.

PS: Me and Q have been able to talk about all of this and can not figure out the best solution to take, hence this post. Things are great between us, but -- at least from to me -- this situation is really taking a toll, whereas not heavy, in the relationship.

Landlord does not want tenant to have the carpets professionally cleaned

lilacp — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 07:14:37 -0800

She is willing to pay for it. We (her friends, who are staging an intervention of sorts) feel landlord is being ridiculous. I'm asking on her behalf because 1) I'm taking this sooo personally because I don't think the situation is fair; This to me is no longer about a mouse, it's about a control freak landlord, but anyway. and 2) I also don't think it can wait for her to sign up on AskMeFi and wait the one week it takes for her to ask it herself. Way forward? My friend moved into an apartment six months ago. She seems to love it. A little over a week ago, she saw a mouse. She is not an animal person at all - and even if she was, it's a mouse, ew! - and this freaked her out. She called her landlord, who then said she would get traps. The question was, "Who will remove the traps when the mice die in there?" Eventually, they found traps where she wouldn't have to see the mouse and soon, the mouse was caught.

My friend wanted to get Orkin to check out the place and see if there were any holes in the apartment. Her landlord refused, stating that it was just one mouse. She also wanted to get the carpets professionally cleaned. This apartment was renovated recently and while it's not all that in my view, it's reasonably clean and quite honestly better than many I've seen. The landlord vetoed Orkin and the carpet cleaning. Per my friend, who decided to get pots of peppermint plants to deter any mice, the landlord said there is slab under the carpets and she doesn't want a mold situation. The landlord suggested a carpet cleaner who supposedly "don't move furniture." What the heck is the point of that, mice run along walls so they would need to get behind there, wouldn't they? (please advise if wrong.) My friend is willing to pay to get the apartment cleaned; all she needs is the landlord's approval. All her coworkers, me included, have said "Just get a rug doctor," but she says her principles will not let her go behind her landlord's back now that she knows the landlord would rather not have the carpets shampooed.

To me, this is absolutely ridiculous. The landlord seems to be pressuring her to sign a lease termination agreement and move. My friend, who is single (ie unmarried but recently started seeing someone), would have to get a new apartment, movers, etc, within 30 days which can be quite difficult out here.

She looked at the lease termination agreement and sent it to me this morning. Guess what one requirement on the termination agreement was? "Carpets vacuumed and SHAMPOOED - $75."

Is it me or is this ridiculous? I have told my friend to either just get a rug doctor or get a lawyer to mediate so that her landlord can let her clean the apartment and let the landlord pay any court fees. My friend is reasonably clean - we say her living spaces always smell like good food and a hospital. She's busy and she sent me a picture of the apartment and it is far, FAR from favorable conditions for a mouse.

Anyway. What are your thoughts on the way forward? Is my friend's request to hav ethe carpets cleaned at her own expense as complicated as the landlord is making it seem? Why do I get the feeling a lawyer would change the situation drastically? How does this work, legally?

**Update** Text from my friend: "I asked her about the shampooed carpet requirement. She said 'you have to vacuum not shampoo, I attached amended copy." [of the agreement]

Fishy much?

My friend is in love with another friend's sister?

JYuanZ — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 09:57:42 -0800

tl;dr: Friend likes friend's sister. Friend is very socially awkward and sister is very scared of him for his "creepy" demeanor (according to her words) and the sister needs to know how to make him stop liking her. Ideas discussed include outright rejection, fake boyfriend, fake pictures, which I had mostly disagreed with, and need advice to sort this out. Regarding the guy and the sister, they've known each other for a few years (I'm guessing 2 or 3?) but around five months ago, my "friend" (let's call him David) started to act in a way that very very strongly insinuated that she was in love with my friend's sister.
Before I continue let me explain who he is. In the past he's said several things that have offended me (aka personal stuff). He is very socially inept and struggles to have conversations with many people besides his circle of 5 friends. He also doesn't understand social cues and is very oblivious to simple things, and he has a very... awkward demeanor, to be honest. I can't say I'm the biggest fan of his character but he tries to invite himself to things that my friends and I plan - I don't know how he finds out about them but when he's there he generally sits alone without saying many words at all. Because of this I tried to let him off with the stupid things he says but... he's said so much offensive things (because he doesn't understand that they are offensive) that makes it hard for me to keep forgiving him.
tl;dr for above paragraph. friend is very socially awkward with an equally awkward demeanor, has said many offensive things to me but doesn't know it because he doesn't understand social cues
Back to the story; the sister finds out that David is in love with her and she is very weirded out. They used to be decent friends but when she found out it became very awkward and she became scared of her. Oh, and for the record, sometime very shortly after she finds out, the relationship between the brother and David had become much, much more strained.
An important point that I should note is that the brother,sister, another friend (call him John) and I drove up to the university where my other friends attended. We walked around together as a group - me, John, the siblings, David, and other friends from university for a group of 8. While we hung out together several of us talked to the sister, not about David's love for her but just as friends, making dumb jokes and pointing out random things - you know, what friends do. BUT.
When I get back, John received a three paragraph letter from David saying how he was troubled that he couldn't talk to the girl because he was so awkward and didn't know what he could say, and that he often lagged behind the group because he was crying and didn't want anyone to see. He said that he was in love with the sister and that he wants to know how she thought of him. Overall, it was a letter of jealousy and, to be honest, a hint of hatred towards us.
tl;dr for above paragraphs. We (me, friend, the brother and sister) go up to uni to see the rest of our friends that inclues David When we get home there is a letter from David that says he was crying that he didn't have the social ability to talk to the sister and that he was in love
We (sans David) had a conversation on Skype about it, some suggested that she just reject him the next time they see each other so that this can be dealt with, but I feel that's too harsh. Any advice?

Handling bipolar drama

theatro — Sun, 07 Apr 2013 17:24:20 -0800

My distant sibling, diagnosed with bipolar some time ago (I don't know any solid details, unfortunately), fell out of touch with me for years. Now he's back in touch, but mostly just to drop dramatic texts on me ("I'm at the hospital", or, tonight, "I'm with the police, I'll call you when I'm released") and then not answer my increasingly plaintive texts or phone calls. I haven't been the prime target of this sort of thing before, what seems to be big swings of mental illness with the hospital and sheriffs and police involved, and the person involved giving me a bit of information but then nothing. Can anyone with more experience give me some advice as to ways I might handle it? My brother is in his early 40s, gainfully employed (as far as I know, anyway--I feel like I have to put caveats on all this, because he fell out of touch for a long time and I hear very few details from him directly). My guess as to why he was in the hospital is maybe a suicide attempt, possibly a 72-hour hold? But it's all guessing at this point, and when I respond to his initial announcement texts, I get a couple of one or two-word replies and then nothing for days or weeks. No answers to calls, either.

Any ideas for how I might proceed? What might be happening on his end if these are suicide attempts or other events serious enough to get the hospital and police involved, and/or if he is going in for a 72-hour hold? Things I might try saying, or shouldn't say?

I mean, I can tell him I love him and worry about him. I've asked what his doctor thinks, whether maybe there are med changes or adjustments that might help (no answer, but then there's no answer to almost everything). I haven't yet said how angry I am getting at the swooping in with drastic announcements and then swooping off into the night never to be heard from again, but maybe I should? Or not?

I know it's hard to say because you don't know him, but neither do I, so I'm really at sea. Any suggestions or thoughts would be appreciated.

Which branch of law enforcement handles cross-border crime?

empatterson — Sun, 31 Mar 2013 19:33:38 -0800

I recently bought a laptop over eBay that turned out to have a faulty monitor. The seller lives in NYC - I live in Toronto, Canada. I sent it back to him (paying the return shipping out of pocket) and left negative feedback because he was rude and condescending to me on the phone when I was making the shipping arrangements. (May be a teeny-bit NSFW for language below the cut.) When I left the negative feedback on his profile, he went totally ballistic and phoned me several times, never leaving voicemail. I didn't take his calls. He sent me messages through ebay trying to guilt me into changing my feedback by telling me that his eBay business feeds his family. In hopes of ending the vaguely threatening messages that he left me, I changed my feedback to neutral but left a negative comment about how he was rude and handled the whole transaction poorly.

The phone has not stopped ringing since I submitted the new feedback. So I finally answered it on the third call and he is yelling at me, calling me a fucking bitch for leaving neutral feedback. I don't take kindly to verbal abuse, so I hung up. When he called right back I told him calmly that if he called again I would be seeing about filing harrassment charges. The phone continues to ring so I have simply turned it off.

Luckily I answered on speaker and had friends witness his tantrum. I am (obvs.) filing a harrassment complaint with eBay, and I'd like to file a complaint with a law enforcement agency in his city - only I don't know who to call. Ideas, suggestions?

When to warn others about a toxic coworker?

abirdinthehand — Fri, 22 Mar 2013 19:33:28 -0800

Our new coworker has been hanging out a lot with another coworker who is known as a liar, drama generator and just generally selfish and hurtful person. Because he is initially quite charming, she has no idea of his "other side." Do I tell her what everyone else knows or is that just talking trash and I should let her draw her own conclusions? It is particularly trying for me because this is common knowledge in the office, but she doesn't know that side of him yet. This is only her second week here and she told me she already feels like he's her "best friend." So it's strange to hang with her when she is just totally unaware of something everyone else knows.

He is known in our office as being charming, but ultimately dishonest and hurtful towards others. I have witnessed these events personally, it is not hearsay. I don't want to give details. . . suffice it to say that he has lost three close friends and a number of not-so-close friends due to his deceptions and screwed up behavior-- this is not run of the mill assholishness, more like some kind of deep psychological problem.

We used to all be friends at work but it's been just in the last few months that his true colors have shown and he has lost friends left and right. However, we all act professionally at work and from an outsider perspective it's not apparent that anyone really has issues with him.

I feel guilty about saying nothing, but also would feel crappy about just telling her a bunch of horrible stuff about our coworker. I think she can already tell that I don't particularly like him- is that enough?

Should I just watch her slowly figure it out? Should I say something vague, give a hint? Should I avoid hanging out with her if I feel I cannot keep quiet?

Distressing Dramas

slowlikemolasses — Sun, 17 Mar 2013 20:24:15 -0800

Would you happen to know of any movies or series with tension as continuous and agonizing as the third season of *Moral Orel*, the movies of John Cassavetes, *Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?*, *Scenes from a Marriage*, and the Japanese series *I am Mita, Your Housekeeper*?

A reader on the mind-body problem?

HeroZero — Fri, 15 Mar 2013 15:10:33 -0800

I'm working on a creative project about somebody who gets his brain removed and put in a vat. What should I read? That is, what are your suggestions for readings that would help me flesh this out? Looking for philosophy, literature (particularly drama), journalism, and/or anything else that would fit. I have a very rudimentary understanding of philosophy, so though I know Descartes is a good starting point for mind-body problem stuff, I am frankly overwhelmed by the sheer volume of philosophy of mind writing that is out there.

How to rehearse a (radio) play

iivix — Tue, 12 Mar 2013 16:42:42 -0800

I've written a radio play, and I'm meeting the cast tomorrow for a rehearsal. This is the first play I've written (let alone a radio play) and I've never acted in anything either, so any hints and tips about how to run a rehearsal smoothly would be greatly appreciated, especially anything that relates especially to radio drama. Some additional background: There are five cast members, of varying experience, and we're all students. I've met them all before, but only individually when casting. I don't think any of them know each other. I'm not acting in it at all, but will need to read some lines in the rehearsal as not all the cast will be available initially. The play is about fifteen minutes long.

Thanks for your help (:

The Drama of "The Drama of the Gifted Child"

trinity8-director — Wed, 06 Mar 2013 12:55:19 -0800

Suggestions for coming to terms with childhood neglect. Yesterday I started reading "The Drama of the Gifted Child" and after a dozen pages I just lost it.

I imagined the book might provide some insights, be a bit helpful, not, well, fuck. I had no idea. The words have some magical power to reduce me to a sobbing mess every few paragraphs. Even writing this has me welling up.

Never have so few words been so overwhelming, but then I've never read such words that seemed forged in the anguish of my own soul. The author held up a mirror and showed me things I didn't know were there. She spoke for me, to me.

I had no idea.

Where do I go from here? Where is the path through all of this? What lies on the other side?

Finished Doc Martin & Ballykissangel...what next?

iamisaid — Fri, 01 Mar 2013 12:56:36 -0800

I really enjoy British TV dramas, with two of my favorites being Ballykissangel and Doc Martin, the latter of which I recently finished. What other British shows would you recommend in this same vein - that is, lighthearted hour-long dramas with a dash of comedy? No detective shows, please. As in the two mentioned above, rural settings with quirky characters are a plus. I love Downton Abbey but am not really looking for period-pieces. Ideally available on Netflix (streaming or disc), Amazon Prime Video, or elsewhere online.

I want to help you with your pain but it makes my pain hurt, too.

Anonymous — Thu, 28 Feb 2013 10:03:23 -0800

I'm four months into a fairly intense relationship, and drama and mental health issues have reared their ugly heads. As someone who has had recent mental health problems of my own, I'm feeling a little shaky about the whole thing; can the hive mind give me another perspective? I started dating a woman, "J" four months ago. Before that we were very close friends - the term "work wife" almost applies since we work for the same company. We've shared highs and lows and helped each other through some of the toughest times in our respective lives over the six years that we've known each other - to put it in perspective, we've both been suicidal before and we're each responsible for talking the other down off the ledge at least once. It was only four months ago, though, that we both realised that our feelings ran deeper than friendship, and we decided to give a romantic relationship a shot.

Our relationship is very intense, and whilst I'm aware that that's the limmerent phase of the relationship running its course that doesn't mean that I feel it any less keenly. "I love you"s were traded fairly early on. We think alike about most things, we have very similar interests (but different enough to show each of us new aspects of the world), and we have very similar attitudes to life in general (and although I'm an avowed freethinker and skeptic, and she's more of a hippie, holistically-oriented person, we get on incredibly well). On top of all that, the sex is amazing - I'm being honest when I tell her I've never had better or felt closer to a lover, and she says the same to me (I have no reason to disbelieve her on this score). The only real downside to things most of the time is that we're semi long-distance, to the tune of ~250mi. We see each other at least every other weekend and we Facetime most nights to make up for it.

All of which would mean that we were both happy with how things were going. However, some recent changes at work put J in a bad space, mentally; she was unable to get out of bed for two days in a row. Now, knowing her history I know that this is a really bad sign; as we'd previously agreed when discussing such possibilities I called her therapist and her therapist in turn called her, and soon enough things were fixed up to the point where she could continue to function. But she's left feeling extremely paranoid about our relationship.

You see, J has had a bad history with relationships. She was in an abusive marriage for years and, like many abuse victims, still carries the scars around with her, in the form of the belief that by leaving that marriage she destroyed her ex's life, and that as a result she doesn't deserve to be loved. The upshot of that - and these are her words, not mine - is that she's self-sabotaged every relationship since then rather than let herself be loved in the way that she wants to be loved. The recent relapse into depression that she suffered has brought all of these thoughts back to the fore, and so she says she is almost expecting me to break it off with her.

I too have a rough history with relationships. I, too, was in an abusive marriage, though where J's was physically abusive the abuse I suffered was all in the form of control-freakery, verbal abuse and gas-lighting. One of my ex-wife's favourite ways to get me to come back after we'd had a row was to say that she wasn't loveable, that she didn't deserve me and that I should find someone else (all the time knowing, of course, that I would move to reassure her about all of these things, which I did).

So you can see how J's worries have been setting off alarm bells in my otherwise reasonably well-adjusted brain. I've reassured her that I don't want to leave her, and that I do see a shared future for us, but even so it sent me spiralling back into my own dark place to be having that kind of conversation again. I've made an appointment with my therapist to talk it over.

Were this person purely my lover, and not also my best friend of many years, I would be thinking hard about whether or not to bail at this point, mean as that may sound. At four months in I don't know if I have the capacity to support her in her darkest times, much as I love her (and much as I've done it before when we weren't romantically entangled). But the events of a recent weekend, in which my non-answering of emails (because I was out and don't check email on my phone by habit) caused her to send further emails saying that she was scared and asking if this was me doing the slow fade, have made me wonder just how much instability I'm capable of coping with.

I'm not one for walking away from problems; I'd much rather fix them. And I'm loyal to those whom I love. But this is hard for me to untangle, so I have to ask: can anyone give me any perspective on this? Is there a way I can make this work, or are we doomed no matter what?

To stay [gone] or go [back]?

six sided sock — Tue, 26 Feb 2013 12:40:31 -0800

My wife and I separated a few months ago (which was my choice, not hers) and it seems that many of the things that I left over may have been addressed, but I still feel cagey about it all. How do I square this circle in my head and in my heart? Blizzard inside. I thought long and hard before posting this question. I know that it will be testing the patience of some of you who have already been great help to me in the last few months. Nevertheless, I'm struggling with this debate; I hope that maybe the hive mind will be able to help me.

The story so far: after a rough couple of years, which included some borderline abusive situations, my wife and I separated at the start of December. (You can find more details in my posting history.) Since then we've maintained minimal contact. I did try to go completely NC But it didn't work; there were too many times when my wife needed to get in touch with me and I just had to be able to respond (the details are probably unimportant).

A few weeks ago we started seeing a therapist together so what was called at the time separation mediation. I went into it absolutely clear - and stating as much - that we were on the road to divorce, and that my purpose in being there was to make the transition as smooth and painless as possible.

I spent the first couple of sessions rather annoyed because it seemed as though the therapist was more interested in trying to get us back together, rather than talking about the issues that we now faced as separate individuals. This didn't entirely surprise me - I was already aware that many therapists' first responsibility is to try and save the relationship at all costs - but given that we'd explicitly asked for separation mediation, it irritated me. I stuck with it though out of a desire to get things over and done with sooner rather than later.

Similarly, though my wife had agreed specifically to separation mediation, she also seemed intent on trying to fix things. She has stated numerous times how she has changed: her temper is now under control; she is more aware of and is better able to manage her anxieties; she no longer feels the need to interrogate me about my every move or snoop around in my emails, text messages, or social media conversations.

At first I was extremely skeptical about all this. Not least because she waited until I had declared that I was leaving to actually find herself a therapist and to agree to go to couples therapy with me. But as time has gone on the truth has become more and more clear: she really has changed. She no longer seems as anxious about things that she used to, or at least if she is anxious she handles it far better than she ever did before. The only exception to this came a couple of weekends ago, when she asked me a lot of pointed questions about a public discussion I had with a female friend on Twitter - nothing untoward, but it stirred up her anxieties briefly. Even then, though, she dealt with her anxieties in a far calmer manner than I'd ever seen her doing before.

The therapist has now remarked several times what a great couple we appear to be; she has observed that we communicate very clearly with each other about emotionally-charged matters. She has, in fact, used the phrase "it would be a great shame if this marriage failed," which is what really gave me a clue as to where her priorities lay.

All of which leaves me wondering: should I be giving us a second chance? It took so much time and energy for me to get to the point where I felt strong enough to leave, as people who are familiar with my previous posts can attest. And I really did need to leave: the levels of drama were through the roof and there were times where I found myself having suicidal ideations during the worst of our fights - later, I worked out that this was because my mind could think of no other way for me to escape. I built myself up and found the strength, with the help of my own therapist (who at the moment is encouraging me not to rush myself or bury my uncertainties) and in no small part with the help of the good people of Ask MeFi, to walk away and into my own space. I don't regret that for a second.

Some of my friends have pointed out that counselling is not a good idea in abuse cases, but I still don't think of my marriage as an abusive one (though I admit it toed pretty close to the line at times). I honestly don't know which way to turn right now. Being on my own hasn't been easy, but I've got an apartment in which I feel at home, I've been spending plenty of time with friends that I haven't seen for years, and I've largely been having a great time. But I still love my wife; she's incredibly sweet and caring, and it seems like many of the things that led me to leave have changed completely, or at least to the point where, had the change come before I left, I would have been much more inclined to stay.

The slight bonus complication here is that my wife is currently undergoing tests for what could, according to her doctors, be either PCOS or - and they're being cagey about stating the likelihood of one over the other - something more sinister. I want to support her through this, but I realise that I can't make a decision about whether to stay with her based on whether or not she might have something life-threatening going on inside her abdomen.

On the brink of divorce, don't know what the hell to do about our cat

Anonymous — Wed, 20 Feb 2013 11:35:09 -0800

I think my marriage may be irreparably broken. The idea of splitting up is agonizing, but if things don't turn around soon, I can't stay. But. I don't know what to do about our cat, and it's tearing me apart. He's old, and he has serious health issues. He usually doesn't act sick or old at all, but he is. He could live another three months, or three to five years if we're very lucky. Odds are that he has another year, or two, and when he does get sick it could get grim in a hurry.

The prospect of me taking him someplace else seems cruel. This is the only real home he's ever known, and moving is traumatic for cats at the best of times. Also, the best housing situation I could swing right now would probably be to rent a room in a stranger's place, and he's an indoor cat. It would be complicated and awful, and probably unworkable.

So, maybe the sensible thing would be to just leave him here, but that prospect is just as awful, if not worse. He is very loving and dependent on me, and he acts absolutely distraught when I'm gone. I don't even want to think of living without him. It'd be like leaving my kid behind, only he's a kid who will never understand why I had to leave.

I'd rather take on a lot of pain myself than ever see him suffer, but if indeed I do split up with my spouse, I don't know how to do it without also causing my cat to suffer a lot. And even if I left him here, and he bounced back right away and forgot all about me, that hurts me too damn much. I can't stand the idea of him hurting because I'm gone, and I can't stand the idea of him forgetting about me.

Right now our marriage is in a highly volatile state. For a long time I was kind of the one pushing for us to stay together, and if I admitted how close I was to leaving right now, that'd probably be the end for us. So I can't even really discuss the cat situation unless I'm ready to split up for good. I do think my spouse would probably accept my taking the cat, but with great reluctance. So, there'd be that guilt, too.

I apologize for this little meltdown, but my whole life is falling apart and I feel like I'm kind of trapped here because of this damn cat I love so much. I can't even go away for a few weeks or months as a trial separation, because I've gotta worry about the fuzzball. It's this deep, primal, embarrassingly parental kind of love, and right now it's inconvenient as hell.

Suggestions would be very, very welcome at this point.

Ace plays for table readings

stuck on an island — Wed, 13 Feb 2013 07:56:17 -0800

Week-long cottage holiday with friends coming up. We're planning a table reading. Last year's "Macbeth and margaritas" night was a roaring success, but we want to branch out. Recommend us some great plays! Further specs:

There will be 8-10 of us, slightly more women than men.

Literariness, high drama and trashiness/camp are enjoyed. (Many of us are Game of Thrones fans.)

One of us is a gifted improviser of sound effects.

Plays that have drinking game potential are especially welcome.

BONUS POINTS for plays we can obtain in iPad/laptop format.

Ugh...friend, more than a friend, not a friend? So confused!

impactsmoothie — Wed, 09 Jan 2013 19:39:57 -0800

My best friend and I keep having drama in our friendship because of feelings. I had feelings for him, but he says he just wanted to stay friends. I told him I needed space to get rid of my feelings so we can stay friends. But he won't let me. He keeps bringing me back into his life. Even when he said he was starting a relationship with someone else. What do I do? Back in the summer, I told my friend I had feelings for him, but he made it clear that he just wanted to stay friends and was not ready for a commitment. The rest is kinda complicated, so bare with me as I give some context :)

So what I did was cut off contact with him for a month. It was hard to do, but I did it. Eventually after a month he kept calling me and telling me how much he missed me and wanted me back in his life. And I told him I still wasn't ready to be friends and I still had feelings for him. But he kept inserting himself in my life and eventually we started seeing one another frequently and hanging out like old times. It was going well, although the feelings never went away completely and were still lingering in the background.

However, a couple months ago we got into a dumb argument and stopped speaking for a little while. I apologized for my part in the argument, but he still didn't want to speak with me. He eventually reached out to me and wanted to be friends again a few weeks later. However, I told him that's it, I don't wanna be friends again. This is because I knew I still had feelings for him and it would keep causing drama.

I ended up seeing him at an event and he basically took me by the hand and to a corner and told me he loves me and and begged me to be his friend again. He apologized and said he needed me in his life. I tried to stand my ground but it was hard to say no to that face. He visited me after work one day and we had a talk about our argument and resolved things. We got really close, as in hugging, cuddling and he gave me a kiss (not on the lips), but he's a pretty conservative guy when it comes to showing affection and he was showing me a lot of it. I felt that he had feelings for me. I just felt it.

But two days later, he calls me and tells me he's getting involved in a relationship with another woman. I was very upset. He was very angry at me for being upset! He said I should at least try to pretend I was happy for him. I said I can't pretend to be happy when I still have feelings. I told him that I could no longer be friends with him and wished him the best. He was really angry, upset, and sent me really mean messages saying he'd never forgive me. He blocked me from Twitter, Facebook, and Gchat. So dramatic :/

I was really sad and frustrated, but I knew I had to move on. I focused on myself and my health (I've been having a bit of health issues). I focused on eating right, working out, hanging out with other friends and just focusing on other things. I still thought about him and memories of good times together every day, but I channeled my sadness into more positive things. I lost weight, looked better, was overall happy although I really missed him and cared for him.

He eventually contacted me about a project (we work in the same volunteer org) and asked me to help. He did apologize to me about not taking my feelings into consideration when he snapped at me after he told me he's gonna be in a relationship, but he informed me that he had no intention of being friends again but wanted to continue a professional relationship. I said that's fine as long as we keep personal distance. We did, until he started becoming overbearing. He'd text me about this or that question, and if I didn't respond immediately, he'd think I was ignoring him on purpose. He monitored my Twitter, even though he blocked me, and would ask me why I was tweeting but not responding to his emails. It was annoying to say the least and I informed him I'd no longer work with him if he continued that behavior because I felt like he was mixing his personal emotions and not being professional. He promised he'd stop and we finished out project. I thought that was that.

I saw him at yet another event a few weeks ago and he kept trying to talk to me. I kept it short. He later texted me trying to make small talk and I responded minimally. He eventually said he really missed me and wanted to be friends again. I told him maybe in the future, but I'm not ready right now. He unblocked me on chat, FB, Twitter and followed me/friend requested me. I decided I'd keep a friendly distance from him because I didn't want there to be animosity between us so I accepted his request and respond to his texts occasionally.

Well, yesterday, he asked me out for dinner. I told him that given our history and that he's in another relationship, I don't think we should go out alone together. He told me he's actually not in that relationship anymore and he'd really like it if we can go to dinner (for his birthday). I told him I wasn't aware of that and might be able to have dinner with him if that was the case.

We still haven't finalized any plans or anything, but I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I don't wanna go through all the heartache again, but to be honest I still have feelings for him that are really strong. Despite all the drama, he's a very caring, funny, good-hearted guy and we have this undeniably strong connection. I would love to work things out and be with him. Part of me wants to use this dinner date as a way to talk about our feelings again, haha. But I'm afraid that he still wants me in the friend zone and it's just gonna break my heart again. I know in my heart of hearts he has feelings for me, but I know he's either confused or doesn't want to do anything about it. I'm not sure what to do. Any advice on this? I'm just so confused.

I Want My 80's TV

Sara C. — Fri, 04 Jan 2013 22:28:19 -0800

Are there any good drama series from the eighties available streaming online? Lately I've been marathonning through Star Trek: The Next Generation on Netflix. I watched the show growing up, and in middle school (towards the end of the series run) I was a serious trekkie. But I've never watched the show in order before, and nor have I watched it critically. So it's been a pretty interesting project.

One thing I've realized while doing this is that I haven't really seen any similar shows from the same era. I grew up mostly watching sitcoms until E. R. and The X-Files in the early 90's, and I have no real frame of reference for TNG.

What are other shows I could stream to see how Trek compares with everything else that was on in the mid to late 80's? I know Twin Peaks is out there, but that seems like maybe setting the bar too high. Other ideas? I feel like Dallas and Dynasty are too early and not really the same kind of show, but maybe I'm wrong? Melrose Place? What are the series that might give me some context for what TV was doing when Star Trek returned to the airwaves? I'd prefer series that are available streaming on Netflix, Hulu, or Amazon Prime.

Level of difficulty: the main inspiration for this question is the realization that first season TNG has a pretty radically different plot structure from most TV drama that is on today. I'm mainly looking for ways to analyze and think critically about the evolution of the medium (especially WRT storytelling). Not so much "Bah ha ha! Look at Alexis Cruddington's shoulder pads!"

By the way, I've been tweeting miscellaneous commentary during my TNG project, if folks are curious about the kinds of things that interest me about TV from this period. Twitter is in my profile.

Put the Old Bill on me...

kuanes — Wed, 19 Dec 2012 04:14:32 -0800

[UKMediaFilter]I really enjoy police/detective procedural dramas (series and "movies") from the UK (BBC, ITV, etc). Seen thus far: Luther, Whitechapel, Thorne movies, Inside Men, Sherlock, etc. Recommend me! These shows can be procured through ill-gotten gains, if need be...

Caveat: I do not like Law & Order UK.

Do I Stay or Do I Go?

BrianJ — Mon, 03 Dec 2012 11:41:23 -0800

How do I deal with the stress and drama caused by my emotionally manipulative live-in sister? The emotional welfare of her two young children is also at stake. Special snowflake details inside. I’m coming to the hive mind because I am, quite literally, at my wit’s end.

I live in a home owned by my parents, but after my parents divorced and separately remarried, I remained in the home alone, paying off the mortgage. The home is now completely paid for.

For nearly the last five years, my sister (younger than me by five years), has lived with me. During this time, she has been involved in an abusive relationship and had two children (3yo and 4yo) with the abuser. He is no longer in the picture and has been out of it since the second child was born, over three years ago.

My sister is a very unhappy person. She wakes up angry, she goes to bed angry and she strives to ensure that everyone else is as unhappy as she is. She is currently unemployed and stays home with my niece and nephew all day, every day. She is frequently (read “often”) harsh with her children. In my opinion she is mean. She is loud, she yells, she’s short tempered with them and she expects them to exhibit behavior that children twice their ages would have difficulty doing.

Many times, my sister and I will get into disagreements over the way she handles the kids, usually after she has done something that I think goes too far over the line. Our mother also feels that my sister is too hard on her kids and if either of us attempt to intervene or defend the kids, an argument between the adults invariably starts.

The stress of worrying about the children is making me insane. I constantly walk on eggshells, afraid of the children doing something that is going to invoke her wrath, causing her to yell, causing the children to cry. I find myself coming home from work later and later each day – going to see a movie after work, spending hours at the library, wandering through the mall, just to get some peace and quiet.

I would like to point out that she has never been physically abusive with either of the children, but emotional abuse is on par with physical abuse as far as I’m concerned.

I worry that if I leave, the children will suffer because there will be no one to stand up for them. I also worry that if I do nothing, I will remain miserable and stressed beyond my breaking point. I currently suffer from anxiety/depression issues and take medication for same. I’ve tried to get my sister to see a therapist or talk with her doctor about medication for her issues but, as she’s currently unemployed, she has no insurance and medical care is prohibitively expensive.

I also realize that these children, whom I love dearly and have provided the majority of the financial support for, are not mine and I truly have no say in how she raises them. I just want them to be happy and healthy and feel like this is not the best environment for this to happen in.

Please, help me. I’m in emotional agony and don’t know what else to do. Should I leave? If I do, how do I get over the guilt I will feel about leaving my niece and nephew? If I go, how do I drum up the monthly rent that I’m not currently paying? Should I stay? If so, how do I cope with the never ending onslaught of negativity and hostility?

Thank you in advance for your comments.

Merry Christmas to you, you, you, you, but not you

Anonymous — Mon, 26 Nov 2012 14:20:14 -0800

Please hope me. Christmas is important to my mother, but it over the last few years it has turned into something that she can’t stand. It has gotten to the point that she doesn’t even want to have the Traditional Family Christmas at their house anymore. She loves Christmas and this is breaking her heart. Our family needs the help of Metafilter. This is anonymous because there’s enough drama already. Christmassy flurries within. My folks are in their mid-70’s. They have three kids – Brother, Sister, and me. Brother is married to Sister-in-law (SIL). They have two kids, who are the only grandkids on either side of their family. Sister is married to Brother-in-Law (BIL). Both Brother/SIL and Sister/BIL live in the same geographic area as my folks. I live further away but still come home for the holidays, etc. I bring along my partner, we have no kids. We are a small family but have traditions and enjoy spending time together. Brother and I are not close at all (differing political views, etc) but we are polite and get along well enough when we see each other 3-4 times a year at family get-togethers.

SIL’s family is from another country (we live in the US). For the last decade or so (since the first grandkid was born), SIL’s mother, father, brothers, and usually several cousins come to visit them for the holidays. They all stay at Brother/SIL’s house and, on Christmas, the whole crew comes over to my folk’s house. The first several years were fine. The more the merrier! It was also great for the kids because they had all of the grandparents, aunts and uncles in the same place at the same time. We bumbled over the language barrier (Brother/SIL and their kids are the only ones who speak both English and the language of SIL’s family, lots of translating going on) and introduced each other to our respective holiday traditions. It was clumsy, but overall it was a lot of fun.

The last few years have not been as much fun. SIL and Brother have been arguing a lot. SIL’s family is on “her side” and my family is on “my brother’s side”. I’m spared from a lot of the sparring because I live far away, but I sure get a healthy dose of drama updates from my sister and mother.

Two years ago the Christmas get-together was uncomfortable and strained because my brother and SIL had gotten into a fight, her family got involved, the kids got upset, and it put a huge damper on the festivities.

Last year the same thing happened – except that the arguing continued over at my folk’s house. It was horrible. Some of the relatives shouted, some sulked, some cried, the kids were upset, the English-only speakers in the house were confused (all of the shouting takes place in the language that we do not understand) and my mother was heartbroken and frustrated that this is what had happened at Christmas two years in a row. I'm going to add here that this is not just the way SIL's family interacts - not a cultural difference that we Stoic Midwesterners just don't understand. Perhaps the way they argue in front of us is different than what we would do (bury it deep within, smile, celebrate holidays, and the complain about it afterwards once we were driving away in our cars) but this is above and beyond. This is shouting and sobbing and cold-shouldering and last year it came close to blows between my brother and his mother-in-law. (seriously.)

Well. The holidays are upon us again. My SIL’s relatives are coming to town once again. The fighting continues over at Brother/SIL’s house, and my mother wants to cancel the Christmas get-together because she “just can’t take all of the fighting”. She’s crushed. She’s especially crushed because she and my niece/nephew are very close and not having Christmas with the kids just breaks her heart. I’m sad for her and want to help. I asked her if Brother/SIL could host Christmas at their house. Turns out she asked them but they will not host at their house because it is messy and full of mattresses on the floor in the common rooms for all of the relatives that have come to stay. Sister/BIL live in the same geographic area, but their house is small and the road they live on is not paved. Their Land Rover can navigate the road in the winter, Mom and Dad’s Buick probably could not. I am not in a position to call my brother and talk sense into him (seriously, we talk 3-4 times a year and that’s enough for both of us) and my house is way too far away to be convenient for a family gathering.

Does anyone have any ideas? I know that everyone’s got their own Family Dramaz around this time of year, so I’d be grateful for your thoughts about mine.