Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with dominance

She's awesome, he's a big question mark - how does it work?

SpecialK — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 23:21:02 -0800

How do guys deal with a (hetero) significant other that's, purely and simply, more awesome than they are? Watching dynamics at a party tonight, I was looking at the relationships between a few of the couples. Most of the people at the party were very athletic, very outgoing, and very intelligent, which is a bit of an odd social grouping. Some of the spouses or significant others of intelligent, athletic women were neither, but still didn't seem to be (for lack of a better word) unmanned or out of place.

As an example, one of the women runs(/bikes/swims) ironman endurance races, has a doctorate, and is in general the life of the party. There is absolutely nothing that stands out about the guy. He's a great guy at all, but he's a socially awkward nerd that isn't particularly accomplished in anything. Yet their relationship doesn't seem unbalanced towards the male or female side in any way, and it doesn't seem like she "wears the pants" so to speak.

That made me curious: in a society where men traditionally are the heads of the family, how do relationships work and balance themselves when it's not particularly clear who fulfills what role, or if there even are traditional roles?

Catfight, and again, and again, and again...

pseudostrabismus — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 01:47:28 -0800

CatFilter. I adopted a 1.5-year-old female cat, and carefully introduced her to my 8-year-old male cat. It's been a month and they're still fighting more than I'd like. How long does this usually take, and any advice on how to help them get along better? MrPoof: Male, 8 years, found as a stray. I've had him for 4 years. He's a big friendly Maine coon, very submissive to humans, not afraid of people or noises, comes when called. I've seen him hiss the few times he's met a new cat, but that's rare as he's indoor-only. MrPoof was lonely, so a month ago I adopted MissBug.

MissBug: Female, 1.5 years, adopted from Humane Society. Her previous owners surrendered her because she got pregnant. She had the kittens in foster care this fall, then went back to the shelter for a couple weeks, where the kittens were adopted. Then MissBug was spayed, and she came home with me a few days post-op-- a crazy few months for this little kitty. She's feisty: unafraid of noise or people, sometimes growls at me or bites me, and she's very affectionate.

I introduced the cats at a friend's large apartment & stayed there with them for 10 days. I figured if MrPoof met MissBug on neutral territory, he wouldn't be territorial with her and once they got along, I'd bring them home. There were 4 days of tons of hissing and swatting and growling, then 6 days of tense behaviour but a lot less fighting. That apartment was big, and they each claimed a room. It's hard to say who was more dominant- it seemed about equally split. I tried to make them friendly by keeping them in different rooms at first, then feeding them closer & closer together, giving lots of treats, exchanging their blankets so they'd get used to each other's smells, having an extra litterbox, putting a blanket between them when they hissed to break their death-stares, and other stuff you read on the internet.

On day 11 I brought them home to my petite apartment (a small kitchen and a big studio/bedroom, with a door between these rooms that doesn't shut all the way). Both cats prefer to hang out in the bedroom. At first they settled in pretty well, not much conflict and they both seemed pretty chill. Now it's been 3 more weeks, and suddenly the last couple days are fight city.

Sometimes one tries to play and the other gets offended and swipes.
Sometimes one claims an elevated spot (bed, sofa) and the other crouches below and swats up at them.
Sometimes one corners the other and traps them under the bed or on the sofa, guarding them & not letting them get away.
The dominance switches in each situation, about equally split in terms of who's bullying who- a pretty equal back-and-forth. When I feed them, MissBug dashes in and hogs the food while MrPoof hangs back sadly; but sometimes he chases her under the bed & lurks nearby, slapping at her if she comes out.

The past two days, the cats seem to be spatting every 40 minutes or so. Sometimes they just display tense, crouched glaring & growling, or funny windmill arms and kangaroo punching- behaviours which seem kind of playful, no big deal.
But there are also some episodes of actual anger and scratching that seem serious, with intent to injure each other (although nobody is visibly cut). When they fight "for real", they swipe hard & fast, directly at each other's eyes, instead of their usual broad, slow cuffing gestures. It's like predator body language instead of goofy kangaroo fighting.

I kind of feel like the problem is that they're both inclined to be dominant with other cats, and neither wants to back down. But I've never introduced cats to each other before, so I don't really know what normal behaviour is.

They still pass casually and touch noses a few times a day without fighting, so hopefully all is not lost. And thank goodness both are eating & using their clean, shared litterbox without problems. But the constant MRRRAAOOWW and leaping around and angry-looking behaviour is getting annoying and I'm a little worried they're learning to hate each other. It's only been a month, though- am I being too impatient?

How can I help them get along better? What timeline can I expect here?
Advice would be much appreciated!

Please point me to resources to better understand "switching" in BDSM.

Forktine — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 10:42:14 -0800

Please point me to resources that describe the phenomenon of "switching" by some BDSM participants. Some of the answers to this question reminded me of how I wish I better understood switching in BDSM. (For the curious: Wikipedia, one description, another.) I'm not asking, "how can anyone be that way?" or if it is "normal" -- as far as I'm concerned, if it makes you happy and no puppies are harmed, all is good. I'm curious because although I am kink-friendly and have been so for a long time, almost all of my direct experience, and most of the depictions I have seen in books/films/etc, are of people comfortable staying in one role.

The question: I am looking for descriptions of how it feels to switch between such different roles, how the dynamics of this can work within a relationship, and how these roles get negotiated. Basically, I'm asking "how does switching work, in real life?"

In addition to whatever direct descriptions get provided here, I would particularly appreciate suggestions of thoughtful and well-written blogs, articles, essays, or forums that address this issue, as well as novels and films. Gay/straight/bi/other are fine. The only literary example I can think of is the main character in the Story of O, who spends the first half of the book as a submissive and transitions later in the book into more of a dominant role; there must be others that address this in a more grounded and contemporary sort of way. A lot of what I found via Google was very jargony, very play-party oriented, very formulaic; I'm looking for more nuanced and rich descriptions that get at the contradictions, compromises, and complications of living that identity.

If you aren't comfortable replying here, you can send me a MeFi mail, or send an anonymous email to the address in my profile. (I have read the previous AskMe questions with the "bdsm" tag, which have hints to this but don't address it directly. Google searches haven't produced the exact results I am looking for, either, aside from the links I gave above -- if you are providing answers via a search, please give pointers as to how you got there.)

D/s newbie seeking help

Anonymous — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 21:45:32 -0800

Help for a couple starting to experiment with a D/s relationship. My partner and I have been starting to experiment with a Dominant/submissive sexual relationship. I am the submissive, she is the dominant. I've been looking for a good way to let her know that I'm in the mood to play. Are there any good ways to stay submissive and still initiate?

We've joined a group in our area, but any book and/or website recommendations (especially for submissive men) would be great.

Help me figure out why I seem to predominantly attract sexually submissive guys.

Anonymous — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 17:22:55 -0800

Help me figure out why I seem to predominantly attract sexually submissive guys. I have a more or less set type, young feminine guys, but I meet guys from very different backgrounds, from professionals to school drop-outs, with different looks and characteristics. What puzzles me is that despite that variety, a very high percentage of them turns out to be very submissive in bed. When I say high percentage, I mean about 4 out of 5. It’s always been something that reveals itself in flagrante, so it’s not like I specifically seek out guys that communicate that as their preference in an ad, at the club, etc. The degree of sexual submission also varies substantially, and in my experience has been all over the road – from low (holding down, hair pulling) to medium (spanking, slapping) to pretty serious (being bound, rape fantasies). They also tend to be not very submissive outside the bedroom.

I am dominant in bed but that to me just means control and overpowering resistance. More specifically, I am talking about sort of rough physical control, physically directing the action, holding someone down, and so on. I don’t like submission qua submission because by definition, there is no resistance factor, and I feel almost awkward knowing that I can simply tell the person to do anything and they will do it. I also don’t like BDSM because the ritualistic aspects of it seem to take away spontaneity, and the formalized gear seems very depersonalizing. I enjoy stuff like spanking and hair pulling, not because it causes the other person some discomfort, but because it makes me feel more in control of the situation. Inflicting pain by itself is not at all appealing to me. I've never experienced or even contemplated being the submissive person. That has no instinctive appeal to me.

My main questions are, 1. Why do I attract submissive guys?, 2. What, if anything, does that say about my personality?, and 3. What nature / nurture factors may contribute to someone being naturally dominant or naturally submissive?

To the extent that physical characteristics may have something to do with it, I am gay, male, 26, 6’0, 180, exclusively top, good-looking in a sort of all-American way, muscular, straight-acting but wouldn’t call myself macho. As far as non-physical characteristics: I’m very confident in myself and my abilities in sort of a quiet, understated way (not arrogant), introverted, self-deprecating humor, rational to a fault in my emotions, very good at having an innate anticipation of what the other person wants to hear (ironically, kind of a people-pleaser). More specific to control, etc.: I am never the first person to jump in and take charge, and I usually remain content to let someone else take the lead unless I believe they are going off-course, at which point I take over. Socially, I am more of an observer than an active participant. At the same time, I am used to people deferring to me in areas that I believe are within my expertise. When I meet people in clubs or bars, I never try to consciously project or exert some authority over them, don't ask them about their sexual preferences, and don't consciously try to establish myself as the dominant person in the conversation.

Thanks to everyone for any ideas, hypotheses, suggestions. If you have any questions, I’m at anon5262@gmail.com.

Tell me (a girl) how to sex up my partner like he wants: with me in charge!

Anonymous — Fri, 12 Oct 2007 23:31:23 -0800

My partner wants me to dominate him. That's totally not my style, and his pickiness makes it harder, but I'm trying my best, and it's working! Up to a point. (NSFW text inside.) I know a lot of this stuff is sensitive -- I completely understand, since I'm the shy, quiet type, and IRL I don't discuss my sex life at all with anyone I'm not having sex with -- so you can e-mail me at tryingtotop at gmail if you don't want to answer publicly.

I've known for quite awhile, and I made it clear to him from the very beginning, that I'm submissive in that I enjoy having my partner take charge. I also found out, with him, that I really enjoy being spanked and bitten and similar not-very-painful fun. He's okay with some of that stuff, but not with tying me up (something I want to try). When he's been in charge, he hasn't yet done anything more hardcore, really, than biting me and calling me names (which I don't like but he does).

Over the same months, he has been encouraging me to take charge of the situation. It's not that I don't initiate (I totally do -- I have a high sex drive and I'm clear about it), but it's very hard for me to forcefully take command -- which, of course, is what he's slowly revealing to me that he wants. It's really hard for me, mostly due to my nature, but also because even if we were both 100% vanilla, the sexual power would still be all on his side: he is older than me, he has tons more experience (he is my first partner), and he can physically overpower me.

Also, he is really picky about what he likes in that area. He also doesn't want to discuss kink -- he wants it to come up spontaneously in the middle of sex sessions, because (his explanation) what we might say no to normally could sound like a great idea when we're turned on. This means I have to walk a fine line between being creative and careful -- when I misstep by trying something he's not into, he gets grossed out and turned off, and shuts me down hard. As discouraging as that is, it's not something I can blame him for; I'd get turned off if he brought up a kink that grossed me out.

Anyway, I've found some things that seem to work, although the menu's pretty limited by his pickiness (list below). For example, we can make out while I undress him, then I can order him to sit apart and watch while I slowly strip and touch myself. (This alone represents a huge advance for me -- I do not like to order people around.)

Trouble is, when it comes time for him to get into the picture, everything goes haywire. The moment he touches me, I turn into a giant jelly -- moaning for him and totally at his mercy. I melt completely. Whatever toughness I have conjured up disappears. Obviously, that's no good for him -- he wants a girl who will sit on his face and ride him brutally without regard for anything but her own pleasure, but he's got a girl who, the instant she lowers herself onto his face, turns into a whimpering, begging mess. When I start going soft that way, it doesn't matter that we got to that point because I ordered him to lie down, hold still, and shut up.

So I guess my question is actually a couple of related questions. First, how can I overcome this? I'm sure it's related to my inexperience, but I've been doing this with him for a few months now and the way it affects me isn't lessening at all.

Second, what else can we/I do? "You sit over there and watch me" only goes so far. I mean if that's the setup for the third time in a row, he's got to be pretty bored with it by then.

Things I have established he is not okay with (aka really hard limits): pain, including mild discomfort like ice cubes; restraint, even light stuff with scarves; humiliation; anything nonsexual (e.g. making him do household chores); anything long-distance or outside of an encounter (e.g. telling him not to masturbate for a week); anything whatsoever going up his ass.

D/S-ish things I am sure he likes: me physically dominating him (being on top, sitting my full weight on him, physically forcing him to do things) -- tough because he is stronger than me; me ordering him around; (the idea of) me peeing on him -- I am not into it but okay with it, and trying, but it hasn't really worked yet (shy bladder I guess).

Other stuff I know he likes, in rough order: 69; eating pussy; being rimmed -- doesn't happen, I will play with his ass, but not with my mouth; blowjobs -- this totally makes me feel like the in-charge amazon he wants to see, but my mouth is occupied so I can't talk about it; playing with my butt (his fingers and tongue, nothing bigger yet) -- but this makes me feel super-submissive; dirty talk -- I am not good at it, although I am not embarrassed to try I seem to word things wrong.

Other technical stuff: We do not have PIV or anal sex, and we do not plan to (we are both 100% okay with this). We have not yet tried tittyfucking, intracrural sex, or other forms of outercourse -- I would totally try them (I love dry humping, so I feel like that bodes well), but I'm not sure how he feels about this stuff. Right now we deal with oral, oral, and more oral (and he also uses fingers and vibes on me). Sex is super-marathon -- when we see each other, it tends to be for 15-20 hours at a stretch, and in that time we take breaks pretty much only to eat, nap, and talk.

So how can all these preferences combine in some way that works for him and leaves me in charge?

Last question, I swear: I really want to call him names, but what? When he takes charge, sometimes he'll call me slut and whore (both of which I really dislike and consider very inaccurate, and they make me worry that's how he sees me) and bitch (which I dislike less, I guess since it doesn't specifically relate to promiscuity). I have been clear and told him how I feel; he doesn't get it, but says he'll try to stop, but when he's about to come it's not unusual for him to forget. I want to call him names partly so he realizes what it's like for me, but also because if he likes it, I want to try to understand why so maybe I can learn to like it too.

But due to years of cultural weighting, calling a guy a slut or whore is more likely to elicit laughter than shame. Can I still call him a bitch, or would that be weird? Is there anything else I can call him instead? "Slave" or "servant" or whatever would be way too hardcore for us (I definitely would not want him to address me by title as "mistress" or whatever). Also, he's not into humiliation, so I can't make fun of his (big, beautiful) dick or (highly developed) oral skills. Basically I want something to tack onto the ends of commands: "Get on your knees . . . bitch." Would calling a guy "bitch" work in that context? What else?

Thanks, MeFi -- again, you can privately e-mail tryingtotop @ gmail if you don't want to answer here!

How do you know who's the alpha male?

thehmsbeagle — Wed, 07 Mar 2007 18:23:14 -0800

Men: are you aware of who the resident alpha male is around your office, on your bowling team, in your circle of friends? Is this a shifting position? I'm a curious, moderately well-read girl, and a reasonably perceptive one, but the state of being male is of course a foreign landscape to me for the most part. I have read previous AskMe's (the what happens when men pass each other on the sidewalk? one is particularly interesting) but I still have questions.

The following includes sweeping statements that may well not apply to YOU PERSONALLY. I understand this in advance, so you don't have to point it out. I am also aware that men are not wolves, and that you have many interests and thoughts and feelings that do not involve social dominance and that many of you may well never think of it at all. STILL, I have questions.

One of the things I find interesting in men is that they seem to be aware of social hierarchy and dominance in a way that tends to pass women by entirely. I have the definite impression, from reading, interrogating men on this issue, and observing people in the wild, that men (youngish men, at least) are often engaged in a bout of King of the Hill: that there is a very real struggle for dominance going on a lot of the time. Or, if not a struggle, an awareness of the pecking order. In either case, I'm mostly only aware of these things if I really pay attention.

Can you help me understand how this hierarchy is determined? Essentially, I want to know what it's like, as a hierarchy-conscious male, to walk into a situation where you have to interact with other (strange) males. A ridiculous number of questions follows:

Is your spot in the rankings something innate - that is, you walk into a new office already knowing that you tend to be a highly-ranked beta male, for instance - or something that must be determined in every new situation?

How do you know who's one up, and who's one down? Are there behavioral or body-language markers? When you first meet another man, is the relative firmness of your handshakes indicative of dominance? Does it have to do with posture, eye contact, physical size, perceived strength? All of the above?

Is a new relationship slightly awkward until one of you takes a step back and acknowledges the higher status of the other? How do you indicate that you've rolled over and showed your belly? Is this then a permanent state between the two of you, or something that shifts

Do you recognize alpha-male types in social environments, even without interacting with them?

In your social groups, are you conscious of a constant shifting of the pecking order, or does it remain fairly constant?

What happens if you "out-alpha" your male boss?

If you're the sort of male who doesn't particularly want to get involved in someone's dominance display, what's it like to interact with a dominance-obsessed male?

Is this something that fades with age, or do men in their sixties still establish relative rank?

Are issues of dominance and hierarchy something you discuss with other men? What about with women? Are you consciously aware of what's going on in an interaction, or is it more instinctual? Does it feel good to come out "one up" and bad to come out "one down", or is it not an emotional experience?

Thanks, everyone. Sorry for the gazillion questions. :)