Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with divorce

How did you handle lonely nights after your divorce?

SarahBellum — Fri, 17 May 2013 06:11:25 -0800

My days are full, though sometimes full of heart-ache. At night, once the pets and child are asleep, I am alone. Going out is not an option, and sometimes books, music and movies just aren't going to cut it. Did anyone find something surprising or helpful to them after a breakup that might help me get more comfortable with my alone time?

Is this where I communicate with him, or give him space?

Salamander — Tue, 14 May 2013 00:40:37 -0800

The guy I've been dating is pulling away, and I need some help wading through the conflicting 'wisdom'. We've been dating each other, exclusively, since the week after Easter. We met online and he contacted me first. Initially, he pursued me very enthusiastically, with multiple calls, emails and texts every day. He was overseas for business at that time, but once he returned we went on three fantastic dates in one week.

Since then, he has been out of town for work nearly half the time. At first, he bent over backwards to stay in touch, calling me late at night for long chats. Lately, this has tailed off a lot. Last week, he went on holiday by himself (something he had booked before we met), and did not even call to say goodbye the night before he left. I also found out yesterday that he was back in town for a day and a half before he even contacted me. I know he spent time with his mother for Mother's Day, and with his daughter, which is totally fine, but not even dropping me a text to say 'Hi, I'm back' is just hurtful. When he did call last night, he acted as if everything was totally normal; however, he didn't suggest catching up.

He is 47 and I am 40. He and his wife have just completed the separation process, after living separate lives in the same house for 10 years. He moved into his own place only a month ago. He has a very busy life and an extremely high-pressure job, but I am inclined to think that the fact that he was married for 26 years is the bigger issue. His dating profile says (and he told me) that he is looking for something long-term, but surely someone needs (at least) a few months by themselves to process the breakup of such a long marriage?

When we spend time together, he is extremely kind and considerate, and we are (or used to be) so comfortable with each other...but that time has trailed off to almost nothing. We used to bounce off each others' sense of humor and have a great laugh, but last night when he called I was so tense from all the bottled-up anger and uncertainty that I just couldn't enjoy talking with him.

The question is: do I tell him how I'm feeling (shut-out and neglected, basically), and that I'd like to spend more time together? Or do I let him rubber-band, or whatever the expression is, and see if he bounces back? I am happy to give him some space to deal with a really difficult time in his life, but I don't want to waste my time if he's already checked out. I keep getting totally conflicting advice from friends and online and from relationship books, and...argh.

So which is it: tell him what I want, or leave him be and see if he comes back in his own time??

Have you had to divorce your best friend?

SarahBellum — Tue, 07 May 2013 18:48:02 -0800

My husband of 8 years and I have come to an impasse: he wants a free-love, open relationship because he stifled his sexuality as a religious person before we were married, and I want...well, not that. How do I move forward when it means breaking the most important bond I have? I understand his need for adventure and exploits. I have tried for the past 2 years to accommodate him by letting him go to sex parties and pick up women when he goes out of town for a conference. But, over time, I've found my self-image suffering, and I don't like the man he's becoming.

He LOVES his new identity. He thinks I'm a prude for not adopting the free-love lifestyle with him. I tried, but every time, I found myself calling on ex boyfriends that I knew still had a flame burning for me so I could feel a little bit of the love I wasn't getting from my husband, I was left empty and feeling bad about using those guys.

*sigh* I have a 7-year old daughter and at least a year to go on my PhD. I am not afraid of being a single mother. I am not afraid of being single. I just feel...hurt.

How could he choose casual sex over our friendship, family, and love?

What do I do with all of my extra time and energy, now that he's not around? How do I fill the empty hours? The hole in my heart?

I do NOT want a new relationship. I do NOT want a distraction from reality. I need real, experienced advice. What did you do to comfort yourself when you had to leave your best friend of 10 years behind? How did you cope with the feelings of failure and guilt?

-Aching

I need a good plan for covering living expenses while alimony decreases

punocchio — Thu, 25 Apr 2013 21:21:17 -0800

Looking for some general advice on my financial situation. I'm contemplating hiring a financial planner, but they're $500 for two hours worth of work. I don't think my stuff is that complicated. I'm coming out of a nasty divorce, and count myself fortunate that I don't have debt to my eyeballs. Nevertheless, I want to make the best of what I have. So I'm looking for advice on where to throw money, where to take money, etc. Here are the facts in my situation:

I have to pay $10,000 in attorney's fees this week
I have $20,000 in stock
I owe $4,000 on a $10,000 credit line. The interest rate on that credit line is about 8.5%
I have a credit card with a zero balance, at 13.2%
My credit score is excellent

The first year of alimony/child support leaves me about $600 each month outside of my rent, utilities, food, therapists and payment on the credit line. I have some big expenses through the year like life insurance ($400) and car tag ($200).

This summer specifically I will have neighborhood swim/tennis club dues ($600) and camps for my two kids so I can work ($1200-$1400) (she won’t pay for camp while the kids are with me, don’t ask).

I’m expecting a bonus of at least $5000, but possibly $10,000, at the end of this year.

In 12 months my alimony goes down by $1000 per month. 12 months after that it drops by another $500. Then another $500. Then done after 5 years total.

I used to pay a lot into a 401(k) but I had stopped due to the divorce and a job change. My new employer matches 4% of 401(k) contributions, but I don't know if that's 50% match or 100% match (trying to find out).

I basically see myself front loading expenses this year, and trying to make up for that in subsequent years.

So, given all this, here are my questions.

How should I pay the attorney bill? Sell half my stock? Put it on the credit card and pay it off in large chunks? Put part of it on the credit line, part on the credit card? Try to get my credit line extended? If I make it all debt, the monthly payment for that debt will likely eat up the rest of that $600 I mentioned above. Then what about the camp and other expenses?

What should I use for emergencies, like big car repairs (my car is 7 years old and runs pretty well). Credit line, credit cards or stocks?

Should I contribute to my 401(k) just enough to get that employer match and make it up monthly by drawing a little bit from the credit line, or selling stocks? Contribute the maximum, maybe? Or wait 12 months and then start contributing?

I need to buy some furniture. Should I take advantage of those “no payments no interest for 3 years” plans?

I am renting now but I want to buy a house in a year. I can’t see making any progress on a down payment for that.

Lots to consider here, I know. Thanks!

PA divorce with no lawyer = Confusion

assasinatdbeauty — Wed, 17 Apr 2013 17:21:50 -0800

I'm in the process of filing an uncontested, no-fault divorce from my husband. We just want to get the necessary paperwork over with as soon as possible and sign on the dotted line. Details inside, kept short and succinct for your viewing ease! No kids, no house, nothing to split, just need *our* split to be legal. I filed the initial paperwork, and waited the 90 day period, went back to the courthouse to find out what to do next and no one would tell me, essentially. This was incredibly frustrating, naturally. The law librarian finally showed me a few blank forms in the huge law book and said "it might be one or more of those", so I photocopied them, but have no idea what i'm doing/what I really need.

Any help with what I'm to do now would be much appreciated - we just want to be legally divorced as fast as possible. Lawyers just aren't an option, the money isn't there. Quite literally 0$ to spare.

If it has any bearing, I'm in Southeast PA and we have been living apart since January 2012.

Thank you again!

Tips to keep emotionally in shape during conjugal crises

TheGoodBlood — Tue, 09 Apr 2013 14:35:19 -0800

What are the things that you did during a conjugal crises that helped you? A dear friend is going through a very difficult conjugal crisis. The couple is separated and right now it's not clear if they'll ever get back together. My friend fell on a depression and feels helpless.

Assuming that all that's possible in terms of communication in the couple and their kids is being done, what are some things that you did by yourself or with your kids (not with the spouse) that helped you going through such hard times? It'd be good to have some simple things that could become routine in a time of hopelessness and, according to my friend, the worst time of their life.

I suggested therapy and exercise and it is helping a bit. I also suggested writing, but they didn't have the time/energy to start.

How to know if I want to stay in my marriage?

Anonymous — Tue, 09 Apr 2013 11:22:56 -0800

My wife and I are having a lot of problems in our marriage, have been for quite some time. Infidelity on both sides. Unresolved childhood trauma. Lack of trust and honesty from both parties. We have a wonderful life and two amazing children and are best friends, have been since high school. We're both starting therapy (separately) and then maybe marriage counseling. And I suppose this is one of those things that I can expect or hope to work out in therapy? But right now, how do I know if I should stay in my marriage? What signs did you have that your marriage was over or was salvageable?

Tell me how you survived the end of a long relationship.

Anonymous — Sun, 07 Apr 2013 09:29:48 -0800

Last summer I left an emotionally abusive long-term relationship, and I’m still really struggling with loneliness and heartbreak. Hope me. I’ll try to keep this brief. The relationship had lasted more than 15 years. It had some very good qualities to it and there were things about it that made me happy for a long time. However, it was also emotionally abusive, and things became very bad in the last couple of years. I knew I had to leave to save myself.

So I went very far away because I knew if I didn’t, I’d just go back to him. And I keep reading about how amazing I will feel and the thing is…I don’t. All this time later and I’m still heartbroken. I miss him terribly. I burst into tears at random moments. I feel like the best part of my life is over and I’ll never find anyone who has the good qualities he did that made me happy (when he wasn’t yelling at me and making me cry—I know, right?). Sometimes I feel like the pain is so great I will not survive it. Sometimes I think I will literally die of loneliness (even though I live with people and can be with people as much as I need to.) Oh, and did I mention the crippling guilt?

It’s good that I went far away, because if I hadn’t, I’d probably have gone back to him; I’ve made it logistically impossible to do that. And intellectually, I know it is a terrible idea. Intellectually, I even understand that someday I might feel better.

Emotionally, I’m not buying it.

Things that help: casual dating (with full disclosure of my circumstances), exercise, staying busy, reading loads of human relationship questions on MeFi

Things that don’t: talking about it and journaling don’t, most of the time; they just upset me more, I think because I am already in my head enough and I agonized over this for so long before leaving. I also posted on an emotional abuse forum for a while which helped me in the process of leaving and for the first month or so afterward but was all a bit too GRAR ALL ABUSERS ARE SOCIOPATHIC BAD PEOPLE black and white to be helpful for me.

So, Metafilter: Have you left a relationship of more than a dozen years (abusive or not) and thrived? How did you do it? How long did it take to start feeling “normal” again? What things can I do to make myself feel better now?

Considerations: I am broke (as in I have to budget for a cup of coffee with friends broke) and I have very little time. Also, I know, therapy, but I’m looking for other suggestions as well. Please be gentle with me; I am really fragile these days. Throwaway email: givemehopemeta@gmail.com

Parents. Cheating. Way out of my depth.

Anonymous — Fri, 05 Apr 2013 13:52:46 -0800

My mom just found out my dad's been cheating on her. How do I deal with all of this from 3000 miles away? My parents have been together for over 40 years, and my mother recently discovered a very inappropriate message from my father to another woman. I don't know all the details, but it's definitely already in affair territory. I haven't talked to my dad yet, so I don't know if this is emotional at all or just a fling (not that it really matters), but my mom is rightfully furious and seriously considering divorce. My mom is the primary breadwinner in the family, but they own a business together and are extremely visible in the community, so their professional and private lives have been heavily entwined for a very long time now. They've never had an especially smooth marriage, and I used to worry they would split when I was a kid, but as I got older, it seemed as though they'd weathered the worst of it. This has been the first indication of cheating, as far as I know.

Until this point, I've had a reasonably good relationship with both of them. I'm the oldest of their three children, but I live on the other side of the country. My brother is a few hours away in the next state over, and my adult sister still lives at home. After my mom found out, she sent an angry, but reasonably calm email to all of us about what happened. I want to support my mom, but I'm not really sure what to do. Do I respond to the email? I could go home, but I don't know if that would help at all or just add to the stress. I usually talk to them on the phone regularly, but right now, I'm not even sure if I should call.

It's worth mentioning that there's a fair amount of cultural baggage attached here as well. Although we're extremely Americanized in a lot of ways, we're from a minority culture that doesn't really talk about difficult issues well. Divorce, while not exactly rare, is still kind of taboo, and counseling is practically unheard of. In the past, they've regularly used me as the family intermediary. I really don't know how or if either of my parents is going to want to talk to me about any of this, but I'm pretty certain I'm going to get a lot of panicked phone calls from my siblings soon.

I don't want to totally cut ties with him, but I'm extremely angry with my dad. He's also the one who is likely to come out the worst from all this. My mom is very independent, financially secure, and has a large and stable social network of friends and family. My dad has lots of friends and likes to act the part of the big shot, but ultimately he's been almost entirely dependent on my mom for his lifestyle, and he's starting to show signs of physical decline. I think my mom is probably right to just walk away, but if they do separate and/or divorce, it's going to be hard on everyone, and I just feel so awful about the whole bloody mess. How do I help my family through this? Can I help them?

Federal Civilian Pension after divorce. (US)

1066 — Thu, 04 Apr 2013 13:51:16 -0800

Asking for a friend. YANHL. A couple has divorced, wife has a local civil service pension and husband a federal civilian pension. The judge ruled they would split each pension 50/50, instead of letting them keep their own. She has sent her court order to his pension board and has received acknowledgement. She has been unable to get any answers from the pension board about what happens now. He has left federal service but has not retired. Does she have to wait until he retires to start receiving her monthly checks from the federal system? Can she start getting them when he reaches retirement age even if he's not retired? Who can she contact that will answer her questions? Would CC'ing her Senators/Rep on her emails help or hurt? Thanks.

Tax Q: Gettin' divorced, can't claim deductions.

Anonymous — Thu, 28 Mar 2013 12:16:32 -0800

Here's the rub: In February on 2012, I decided to end my marriage. Because I was dead broke, we simply moved apart, split the bank account in two and went our separate ways with the understanding that we'd make a move to formally divorce in the next year. We did not get a legal separation. That divorce is now pending. My soon-to-be-ex-wife filed her taxes 'Married, Filing Separately'. This causing me all kind of tax havoc, including a bill I have no way of paying. More inside... 2012 was a big year. I made $6412, 1099 style. I became a graduate student. I spent $30k of Uncle Sam's money on tuition.

All told, I owe the government $789. I do not have $789. I have $79. But between the cost of getting divorced and tuition, I figured I'd have some nice deductions on my taxes. Instead, because I have to file 'Married, filing separately', I can't claim any of those educational deductions and the guy who make $6412 bucks last year and has no income is stuck with a $789 tax bill.

Is there any way around this? Tips or tricks from tax gurus? Or am I just stuck in a trap of my own making?

I would tell my BFF to DTMFA

Anonymous — Thu, 28 Mar 2013 11:37:55 -0800

Why am I having so much trouble leaving an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship? Or, tell me about your experience with leaving and how long it took you. Over the last few months, and especially in the last week, I've come to realize that I have been in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship for over 15 years. Reading this article really helped to crystallize it. I identify with all but the last sign.

In January, I let my partner know that I was extremely unhappy and we started marriage counseling (and I started individual counseling). I told him I would do it for 6 months and then see how I felt about it at that point. So far we've worked on some of the super hurtful things that have happened in the past but he just says he doesn't remember. I realize that I am never going to get what I need from him. I am so so done.

I'm feeling a lot of shame and guilt. I am a very competent and smart person. I have always done a great job at any job I've had. I have lovely friends and an amazing support system. So I feel like I should've put a stop to this so very long ago. Certainly before we had 2 kids. I know the standard answer is that this relationship has just ground me down but I feel like I should've stood up for myself more.

What I'd like to know from you, lovely AskMe community, is this:

1. If you were in a relationship like this, how did you end it? Both practically and abstractly. For example, he will have to move out. I'm the one that makes the money and the kids will stay with me. So practically, did your partner take some days off work and move out then? Did he take lots of furniture and stuff?

2. Abstractly, what did you do to prepare yourself mentally? How did you get the strength to say the words and then stand firm?

3. And how long did it take from the moment you really knew it had to end until you physically separated (I know the divorce paperwork and all that can take a lot longer)?

How to deal with a soon-to-be ex-spouse

Anonymous — Wed, 27 Mar 2013 10:04:39 -0800

My wife and I are getting divorced. At times she erupts at me with either overt or barely disguised hostility. How do I deal with the emotions caused by this? I am really trying to do this as amicably as possible, but we're currently in the absolute worst part of it. We're waiting until the end of the school year to tell the kids and have me move out. So for the time being we're stuck living with each other.

For most of the time she either ignores me or talks to me as if nothing has changed. But then if I do the slightest thing that annoys her she lashes out. In almost every case it's a situation in which she had a stated or unstated expectation of me that she perceives I haven't fulfilled. This is, of course, a repeat in miniature of our marriage in which she believes that I wasn't there for her in numerous ways she thought I ought to be. Fortunately this almost never happens in front of the kids.

I'm no saint, but I'm doing my level best to be as friendly, civil, and amicable as possible. I never fight back; I never answer her hostility with anything but a genuine, "I'm really sorry you feel that way." Any attempt I make to smooth things over is either ignored or rebuffed.

I give all that backstory not for advice on how to deal with her or to get strategies for interacting with her. It's clear that there's nothing I can do to change her behavior. What I'm looking for is how to handle the feelings of powerlessness and frustration these interactions cause. I have no outlet for these emotions. is there a way that I can look at this that isn't so infuriating? A way to feel compassion for her? Some insight into what she's going through that can help me understand how she's feeling to help me forgive and move on? Or is the only recourse to simply separate myself from her emotionally? I'd hoped that we could remain close, but I'm scared now that it may be impossible.

Any recommendations for a Cantonese speaking divorce lawyer in SF?

roquetuen — Mon, 25 Mar 2013 16:39:59 -0800

I am hoping that someone has a recommendation (or even a "stay away from") for a Cantonese-speaking divorce lawyer in the San Francisco area. I have done the google thing and know that several have free consultations, but would really appreciate it if anyone could help speed the process. Thanks in advance.

Divorce/Custody Records from the 1970s?

annabellee — Fri, 08 Mar 2013 14:27:26 -0800

Can you advise me how to go about getting the files for a particular divorce and attendant custody battle in CT in the 1970s? My parents divorced in CT in the late 1970s and I am told their custody battle was one of the first instances of the father getting full custody of children in a divorce.

I was very young and have vague memories of a lot of courtroom drama, however neither parent will discuss any of the details of their divorce. I'd like to get any records I can of the custody proceedings and discover why my father was granted custody.

I've visited the State of CT Judicial Branch page but I'm not sure what should be publicly available or how to go about requesting the information. The site doesn't offer much in the way of information. I don't want the divorce decree (that I've found through Ancestry.com) but rather the full court records. I'm hoping a lawyer or reporter or someone with experience in such matters can shed some light.

Directors and Marriage Longevity

mousepad — Thu, 07 Mar 2013 21:46:25 -0800

How many successful Film Directors are happily married...to their first wife (or husband)? Answers may be given as an estimated percentage if that's easier. Considering a change in profession, with reservations.

Separated From My Husband: The Blamer

WelcomeCat — Mon, 04 Mar 2013 23:59:51 -0800

My husband and I separated a couple months ago. Married 2 years. I'm going back and forth about whether our marriage is possibly salvageable or not. My main issue with him is that he blames me, a lot and frequently. He has trouble taking responsibility for his own emotional state and behavior. Often I feel as though I don't like him, but I know that underneath I do love him. We have had a ton of arguments (which I have become very very tired of) during which he will push my buttons. He will pick something I feel touchy about and I will succumb and feel ashamed and angry and defensive.

The fight then spirals around to his demanding that I make an complex assessment of "facts" that he lays out. The "facts" usually consist of a negative account of my behavior that I disagree with from the outset. He will ask a certain question, based on the "facts." I say I don't know the answer to the question because I don't agree with the "facts." And so blaming ensues about me not answering the question, about me being defensive and not admitting the truth about my behavior. He pursues me verballyuntil I leave the room, or the house, or acquiesce and apologize.

If this reads as confusing, it's a total mindf**k to be in the middle of.

Today, I was feeling sad about something, and said so when he asked. He told me that he didn't deserve that (me having this negative feeling in his vicinity- not about him). He didn't want to be exposed to my feeling, and that it was a burden to have to deal with it. I said, my feeling is not about you, you don't have to fix it, and that I felt like he was telling me my feeling wasn't okay. He's said, "Of course it's okay, you just shouldn't present it to me to deal with." What?

There was a time in our relationship when I wasn't doing that great emotionally, wasn't the most open, or loving partner as a struggled to recover from some childhood abuse. But I am dogged. I pursued recovery relentlessly and became a pretty reasonably person to have a relationship with for the last 18 months or so.

As I was recovering, he sank into alcohol abuse and that sucked in the ways that alcohol abuse sucks. But he says he quit after we separated. He's living with some fairly healthy family members.

It's not that he doesn't have any legitimate beef with me. God knows I'm not perfect. I sucked for a while as I struggled with childhood abuse, but I made good, and quickly. But he doesn't want to let go of grudges. He says he doesn't feel listened to and says this is why he is so upset, but it's hard to listen to him when there is such intense blame coming out of his mouth, and not a lot else.

He doesn't see himself as blaming me by default nearly constantly. He just sees me as culpable. What bugs me about this man is the the lack of insight into his motivations and feelings. He doesn't see himself as manipulative and I do. Even if I love him, even if I have compassion for him.

One of the biggest grudges he harbors is that sometimes I don't think he is aware of what he is doing and why. But that's what I do think about him. I think this is true to some degree for nearly everyone, but he won't accept me thinking it about him.

We are separated. We see each other a lot due to circumstance. I was looking to improve our relationship even if we ultimately break up.

What do you do about this type of person?? Can you influence them in a healthy way towards more awareness? Is this the type of thing marriages come back form the brink from?

She has options. She should get away, I think.

jet_silver — Mon, 04 Mar 2013 20:51:26 -0800

A person close to me spoke about her relationship with her husband of 25 years. I say the symptoms she described are abuse in prototype form and I'm alarmed about it. Perhaps I am wrong; please help her and me figure out what's going on. Bonus points for next steps. Close person P is married to husband H. P is a hausfrau: very intelligent but with no employment history to speak of. H does not like P to work. H is mostly loving according to P and my own reaction to H is "salt of the earth, solid, stable, reliable". P says H has sudden fits of anger directed at her - I've never seen this - over social peccadilloes and other rather trivial items. The anecdote that stands out: P tumbled down the stairs and pulled up at the landing hurt and confused. H yelled at P about the fact that two coffee cups broke in the fall and the contents splashed the wall. He did not comfort P but became angry when she said "don't look at me now". P was hurt, badly bruised, and she would have valued help and not H's anger.

Other less graphic elements in their relationship are: P wants financial stability; H wants a display of financial acumen, power and success. According to P, H plunges into risky ventures that have not got a very good track record and they lost their hats and fannies during the 2008 - 2011 financial flop. They are underwater on their only remaining real estate investment. P beseeches H to treat their finances more conservatively. Her concerns get no attention.

H and P have two offspring: one an independent young gentleman I esteem of 21, the other a noisy yet charming kid R of 12. P wants to leave H but fears for R's development in a shuttle arrangement if they break up.

H and P live in California. P will shortly inherit a house, free and clear, in a nearby state in which she doesn't particularly want to live. She is tempted to divorce H, and give up all other rights in exchange for sole custody of R. California law treats inherited real estate as individual property as does the state in which the real estate is.

P is confused and afraid. She and H have tried counseling, and it is not working according to her. She would like to get a sense of her options without alerting H by means of checks to legal firms.

What are P's options, next steps, resources to draw on, and so forth? I am way out of my depth here, except for advocating that she find a divorce lawyer and some kind of support to which I have no pointers.

To stay [gone] or go [back]?

six sided sock — Tue, 26 Feb 2013 12:40:31 -0800

My wife and I separated a few months ago (which was my choice, not hers) and it seems that many of the things that I left over may have been addressed, but I still feel cagey about it all. How do I square this circle in my head and in my heart? Blizzard inside. I thought long and hard before posting this question. I know that it will be testing the patience of some of you who have already been great help to me in the last few months. Nevertheless, I'm struggling with this debate; I hope that maybe the hive mind will be able to help me.

The story so far: after a rough couple of years, which included some borderline abusive situations, my wife and I separated at the start of December. (You can find more details in my posting history.) Since then we've maintained minimal contact. I did try to go completely NC But it didn't work; there were too many times when my wife needed to get in touch with me and I just had to be able to respond (the details are probably unimportant).

A few weeks ago we started seeing a therapist together so what was called at the time separation mediation. I went into it absolutely clear - and stating as much - that we were on the road to divorce, and that my purpose in being there was to make the transition as smooth and painless as possible.

I spent the first couple of sessions rather annoyed because it seemed as though the therapist was more interested in trying to get us back together, rather than talking about the issues that we now faced as separate individuals. This didn't entirely surprise me - I was already aware that many therapists' first responsibility is to try and save the relationship at all costs - but given that we'd explicitly asked for separation mediation, it irritated me. I stuck with it though out of a desire to get things over and done with sooner rather than later.

Similarly, though my wife had agreed specifically to separation mediation, she also seemed intent on trying to fix things. She has stated numerous times how she has changed: her temper is now under control; she is more aware of and is better able to manage her anxieties; she no longer feels the need to interrogate me about my every move or snoop around in my emails, text messages, or social media conversations.

At first I was extremely skeptical about all this. Not least because she waited until I had declared that I was leaving to actually find herself a therapist and to agree to go to couples therapy with me. But as time has gone on the truth has become more and more clear: she really has changed. She no longer seems as anxious about things that she used to, or at least if she is anxious she handles it far better than she ever did before. The only exception to this came a couple of weekends ago, when she asked me a lot of pointed questions about a public discussion I had with a female friend on Twitter - nothing untoward, but it stirred up her anxieties briefly. Even then, though, she dealt with her anxieties in a far calmer manner than I'd ever seen her doing before.

The therapist has now remarked several times what a great couple we appear to be; she has observed that we communicate very clearly with each other about emotionally-charged matters. She has, in fact, used the phrase "it would be a great shame if this marriage failed," which is what really gave me a clue as to where her priorities lay.

All of which leaves me wondering: should I be giving us a second chance? It took so much time and energy for me to get to the point where I felt strong enough to leave, as people who are familiar with my previous posts can attest. And I really did need to leave: the levels of drama were through the roof and there were times where I found myself having suicidal ideations during the worst of our fights - later, I worked out that this was because my mind could think of no other way for me to escape. I built myself up and found the strength, with the help of my own therapist (who at the moment is encouraging me not to rush myself or bury my uncertainties) and in no small part with the help of the good people of Ask MeFi, to walk away and into my own space. I don't regret that for a second.

Some of my friends have pointed out that counselling is not a good idea in abuse cases, but I still don't think of my marriage as an abusive one (though I admit it toed pretty close to the line at times). I honestly don't know which way to turn right now. Being on my own hasn't been easy, but I've got an apartment in which I feel at home, I've been spending plenty of time with friends that I haven't seen for years, and I've largely been having a great time. But I still love my wife; she's incredibly sweet and caring, and it seems like many of the things that led me to leave have changed completely, or at least to the point where, had the change come before I left, I would have been much more inclined to stay.

The slight bonus complication here is that my wife is currently undergoing tests for what could, according to her doctors, be either PCOS or - and they're being cagey about stating the likelihood of one over the other - something more sinister. I want to support her through this, but I realise that I can't make a decision about whether to stay with her based on whether or not she might have something life-threatening going on inside her abdomen.

On the brink of divorce, don't know what the hell to do about our cat

Anonymous — Wed, 20 Feb 2013 11:35:09 -0800

I think my marriage may be irreparably broken. The idea of splitting up is agonizing, but if things don't turn around soon, I can't stay. But. I don't know what to do about our cat, and it's tearing me apart. He's old, and he has serious health issues. He usually doesn't act sick or old at all, but he is. He could live another three months, or three to five years if we're very lucky. Odds are that he has another year, or two, and when he does get sick it could get grim in a hurry.

The prospect of me taking him someplace else seems cruel. This is the only real home he's ever known, and moving is traumatic for cats at the best of times. Also, the best housing situation I could swing right now would probably be to rent a room in a stranger's place, and he's an indoor cat. It would be complicated and awful, and probably unworkable.

So, maybe the sensible thing would be to just leave him here, but that prospect is just as awful, if not worse. He is very loving and dependent on me, and he acts absolutely distraught when I'm gone. I don't even want to think of living without him. It'd be like leaving my kid behind, only he's a kid who will never understand why I had to leave.

I'd rather take on a lot of pain myself than ever see him suffer, but if indeed I do split up with my spouse, I don't know how to do it without also causing my cat to suffer a lot. And even if I left him here, and he bounced back right away and forgot all about me, that hurts me too damn much. I can't stand the idea of him hurting because I'm gone, and I can't stand the idea of him forgetting about me.

Right now our marriage is in a highly volatile state. For a long time I was kind of the one pushing for us to stay together, and if I admitted how close I was to leaving right now, that'd probably be the end for us. So I can't even really discuss the cat situation unless I'm ready to split up for good. I do think my spouse would probably accept my taking the cat, but with great reluctance. So, there'd be that guilt, too.

I apologize for this little meltdown, but my whole life is falling apart and I feel like I'm kind of trapped here because of this damn cat I love so much. I can't even go away for a few weeks or months as a trial separation, because I've gotta worry about the fuzzball. It's this deep, primal, embarrassingly parental kind of love, and right now it's inconvenient as hell.

Suggestions would be very, very welcome at this point.

Why do people get divorced after many, many years together?

Feel the beat of the rhythm of the night — Tue, 19 Feb 2013 12:25:39 -0800

It seems to me that if you've been fairly happy for many (10 - 25) years, this trend would continue. For many people that doesn't seem to be the case. I am interested in hearing theories or experiences regarding that. How can something that worked for so long cease to work so suddenly?

Do I leave, and if so what do I say?

Anonymous — Tue, 19 Feb 2013 08:17:00 -0800

Not an original story. I love my husband but I love someone else too. What do I do? Looooong explanation to follow, apologies. I’ve made a big mess and while I can’t make it better I really don’t want to make it worse on everyone that I have to. I have been with my husband for 13 years, married for nearly 2. We’re mid-30s, no kids, rent a house (in his name), no joint assets or savings. I work 2 jobs and study part-time, he runs his own business. He’s a great guy and we’ve always been really happy and chilled. There have been a few issues I haven’t been thrilled with but nothing out of the ordinary. Namely he works a lot, but I can’t get annoyed about this because he says its for us. And also he can’t help me orgasm and has never shown a huge interest in this, (until recently) despite me bringing it up many, many times over the years. He’s a really nice, sweet guy but this leads to him also being very sweet in bed whereas I want someone very forceful and dynamic. Its not really about what he ‘does’ its about who he ‘is’ and I can’t change that and nor should he have to for me. So basically I had resigned myself to a lifetime of kind of unfulfilling sex – I always thought we’d fix it somehow though I wasn’t sure how – but the tradeoff was a happy, settled, mutually supportive relationship with someone who I loved and who loved me, who worked hard, was good in the house and the relationship was basically as good as I thought it could get. I didn’t think a man could be sexy AND caring.

I guess its obvious what’s coming… I met someone else. Through work. How very clichéd. I fell hard for him really fast, before we’d even had any personal conversations, before I’d even touched his hand. I’ve never felt so out of control of my emotions and my body, the chemistry left me literally breathless sometimes. But I didn’t tell him how I felt for nearly a year because I fought it so hard and felt so guilty about it because I was newly married. When I finally did it was in terms of ‘we get along really well and I’d really like to have you in my life, but we’re both married so I want us to be able to manage this properly and honourably.’ Oh how I laugh now at my idiocy. It turned out he felt the same but didn’t think I’d look at him like that – he’s 20 years older – but once we realised we both felt it, it kind of took over. That was a year ago and bar a few months of trying really hard not to let anything happen we’ve been having an affair pretty much ever since, and though I’ve ended the sexual aspect of it the emotional part is still ongoing. I’m not proud of finding out that I’m capable of things I really never thought I would be.

I’m in therapy and what I’ve realised is that I don’t have any sexual attraction to my husband though I love him a lot, and he’s very good-looking. I don’t know if I lost it when I realised he didn’t seem that bothered about my sexual pleasure, or if I found it hard to orgasm because I didn’t feel that desire for him. I always liked sex but I had no idea of what it could be like until the affair, I never got the idea of ‘lovemaking’ before, and that it could be intimate AND hot as all hell. I love my husband a lot, but I am absolutely crazy about this other man, and he about me. I never believed in soulmates before and now I do. Sorry for repeating the usual script. There are also other aspects of my relationship with the other man that it feels would be a lot better for me, in that we share a profession we’re passionate about, there are things we’d like to do together such as overseas charity work that my H would have no interest in, and the fact that we ‘get’ each other on lots of levels that my H and I don’t quite match up on, such as some political views. Again, nothing in and of itself that would lead me to divorce, but in comparison with the other man it feels that the new relationship would be better for me. (Until he goes and dies on me in 20 years and leaves me alone, but that’s another thread…)

I just don’t know what to do now. I know I can either stay or leave, but I don’t know what. I feel my H deserves a better life than the one I’m giving him now, and someone could love him the way I love OM, but then I wonder if I stay and put all my energy into my marriage could I make it work, or will I always have an empty feeling? I cant even imagine the pain I’ll be causing him if I left, but the pain of living with someone who doesn’t love you back the same is awful too. He has been trying to do everything right for me recently because I know he feels the distance, and its breaking my heart to see him while I just cant feel for him what I feel for OM. The last few times we’ve had sex he has tried to make me cum but I just feel uncomfortable and I cant relax, because it feels like I have no sexual connection to him anymore. I wonder why he didn’t try five or ten years ago, but then I also wonder why the hell was I so stupid to think this wouldn’t be an issue in the future when I married him? I feel pure joy around the OM, and at home I feel now like I’m pretending.

If I leave, do I say its for someone else or is that way more hurtful? I don't know what reason I would give when basically things are good, its just I feel more deeply for this man. He found a text from OM about 6 months ago that was just mildly flirty and he understandably threw me out of the house for a few nights, so if I end it he’ll ask is it because of him. I convinced him it was only flirting and he let it go which I feel crappy about but I just went into panic mode when he found it. The thought of lying to his face – again – is awful but if I say yes I don’t want to leave him with issues around anger and self-esteem which he has anyway. I know, I know, I should have thought of all this, but it all just happened so gradually and now here I am and I can’t put the clock back but I just don’t know what to do. The OM left his wife 6 months ago – they’d been having issues anyway but he said when he realised the depth of his feelings for me it wasn’t fair to stay with someone else. So he’s waiting for me, he really wants me to come and be with him, but he says he’ll walk away if that’s what will make me happy.

I’d really like to hear from people who were in either my H or my positions. If you left someone, what do you wish you’d done differently? If someone left you, what would you rather know/not know? How on earth do I start the conversation? When? He has a trip with his guy friends booked for a couple of months time, and he’s really looking forward to it. I don’t want to ruin it for him by breaking up beforehand but is waiting stringing him along (even more)? He’s been my best friend for a third of my life and he’ll never speak to me again, and I’m dreading losing him, hypocritical though that sounds. I also can’t stand to think of him being hurt or upset, though again I know that may seem hard to believe. There’s still a part of me waiting for these feelings to just pass and let me get back to how things were. We had our whole lives planned out and I’m devastated I’m here, my fault or not.

I feel the need to point out that my question is not, am I a horrible, lying, cheating, selfish whore who obviously doesn’t love or respect my husband? I have been on a LOT of forums over the past year trying to get a handle on things, and this (unasked) question has been resoundingly answered in the affirmative many times. And I don’t disagree with it. I just can’t take hearing it any more. A few paragraphs of text actually represents close to two years of 24/7 angst about this which has left me feeling literally suicidal at times, so I just cant cope with any more judgement please. Not at all asking for any sympathy, but I genuinely just want some constructive advice. Thank you.

Books for the Divorced / Divorcing Man

entropicamericana — Thu, 14 Feb 2013 07:27:27 -0800

So my divorce took a crazy turn for the worst and all hope of reconciliation has flown out the window. Can anyone recommend books for a man in his late 30s / early 40s going through and recovering from a divorce? Any books for either dealing with the divorce itself or dealing with life after and re-entry to dating world would be great.

Experience using services that report rental history to credit bureaus?

cgk — Sun, 10 Feb 2013 12:14:55 -0800

Rebuilding credit a few years post-divorce and home ownership, does anyone have experience with services like rentreporters.com that will report rental payment history to credit services? I have a nice, small-timey landlord that does not fall into the 500+ unit category that Experian is supposed to be opening up to. It seems like a service that allows landlords to report tenant history should exist, but I am not having a lot of luck finding options. The ones I can find (like the one linked above) look slick, but I cannot find a reliable corpus of reviews. For $10/mo I would be willing to foot it and my landlord would probably participate, but does it actually deliver?

Special info: 2-year divorce trashed good credit and had to sell home. Having rented for 4 years and lived cash-only, the bad stuff is starting to expire off my report and I am looking to start the next phase of life. I looked through creditboards.com and have not found the answer I am looking for.

Who should be responsible for my ex-wife's birthday gift?

Setec Astronomy — Fri, 08 Feb 2013 11:10:01 -0800

I've been divorced for several years now. My ex-wife and I get along amicably. I am single and she has been involved in an LTR since the divorce became official. Everything's fine, everyone's happy. Our kids are thriving.My ex-wife's birthday is in three weeks and up until now I've been the one to coordinate helping the kids get her something for her birthday. It occurred to me that it's probably time for the New Guy to take this over, right? They're not engaged, he still has his own place, but he does spend a lot of time there in your standard domestic situations. I have no problem discussing this with my ex, I'm just looking for a sanity-check on this idea before I bring it up. Am I missing something? Is this even a good idea? (For the record, I am single and she will probably be responsible for my birthdays (vis-a-vis the kids) for the forseeable future.)