Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with divorce

Divorcing a wife with schizophrenia

Anonymous — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 08:34:43 -0800

After 20+ years of marriage, my dad wants a divorce. Mom has schizophrenia. Please help me think through this awful situation... [very long] My mom was diagnosed with schizophrenia seven years ago. Since then, we've been through the same vicious cycle several times: her delusions reach a boiling point, the family takes her to a psychiatrist, he refers us to a MD, who prescribes Mom antipsychotic medication. She'll comply for a few weeks, then complain the medicine makes her feel bad, and will ultimately stop taking it. I understand that a major challenge for caretakers of individuals with schizophrenia is ensuring medicine compliance. We simply cannot force her to take the drugs, and though things might seem okay for a while, we always end up back on the roller coaster. Mom's even spent a few weeks in a psychiatric hospital.

My mom's delusions deal with demonic possession and "spiritual warfare," government control of the media, evil priests, motorcycle gangs, car bombs, and a litany of other bizarre things. One thing, though, is certain to her: my dad is the bad guy. She'll wait for him to get home from work in the evening, glare at him wordlessly for a while, and explode into a tirade about his perceived infidelity or witchcraft practices or even STDs. Many times, she's in absolute hysterics and follows him from room to room screaming.

Dad's had enough. While's he's mulled over divorce several times over the years, he's always stayed with Mom. This time, he's serious: he's going to get transferred overseas for his work and leave her behind. We're both terrified, though, of what will happen to Mom. It's obvious that he still loves her very much, though he's on the brink of a nervous breakdown himself and says he cannot stay with her. The situation is so ethically gray to me: It is unfair for my dad to take such vehement abuse day after day. It is destroying his life, and he is severely depressed. On the other hand, it seems cowardly and irresponsible to leave Mom, especially when she has a medical condition. We're waiting for my brother to fly home in a few days to sit down and have a discussion about all of this, which I am dreading with every fiber of my being.

I'm willing to help Mom get set up in a place of her own near me (what she's requested several times before when divorce has come up) and check in on her and spend time with her, but I'm scared how this will affect my future. I'm in my early twenties and applying for law school. I know it's a selfish thing to say, but I don't want to end up being the one burdened with this matter. What will happen when I go to school? She can't follow me forever...

I'd appreciate any insight you might have, including:

1) What options are there for Mom's housing in the long-term? She's definitely high-functioning and can handle day-to-day tasks, though I'm scared of what will happen when she's left alone.
2) Is there any way you know of to increase or ensure medicine compliance? Dad said he's willing to make if work if she'll just stay on medicine and go to counseling.
3) Is it worth our time to seek psychiatric help again? Dad is sure that it's a waste of time given the past few years.
4) Any other advice you have on dealing with loved ones and schizophrenia.

Throwaway email: anxious.askme@gmail.com

Appreciate it.

Does an order of protection work outside the state it was taken out in?

Anonymous — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 13:12:09 -0800

Does an order of protection taken out in Virginia still apply in North Carolina? A young relative of mine is leaving her abusive spouse. She lives in Virginia and has an order of protection against him. She is going to be in NC over the Christmas holidays-we are concerned about what to do if he tries to contact her here in NC. What should she do now to ensure her safety and peace of mind during the holidays?

Does my father really need to know my last name?

MuChao — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 11:52:44 -0800

My father doesn't know my last name. Should I clue him in? How? I'm going to try to keep a long story short. Even as a child, I had a distant and strained relationship with my father. My parents divorced when I was three and I saw him for a month or two every summer, until I was a teenager when he basically kidnapped me (by keeping me, out of my home state, past the time allotted in the custody agreement). I ran away from him (back home to Mom). I married (VERY young) and he took my husband and I to court for an annulment. He lost that court case and I didn't speak to him for about 8 years.

I divorced 3 years ago and instead of reverting to my maiden name, or keeping my married name, I took my mother's maiden name. Two years ago, my father's father's dying wish was that my father and I reconcile. Fine and well, I guess, as an adult, I have no real obligations to this man, but I'm willing to grant my dying grandfather's wish.

So my father and I have been speaking for two years now. He's the same misogynist I've always known; patronizing females, talking down to me as if I have no intelligence whatsoever. He rarely asks my opinions and hardly ever asks about my life. He prefers to discuss the not-so-important - his cats, food, antique shopping. I'm not sure we've had any conversation of substance in the two years I've accepted him into my life. I'm kinda ok with this, actually.

Given our track record, I haven't actually told him my last name changed. So far, it hasn't been too much of a problem. I still live at the same address as I did when my divorce was finalized, so his mail still makes it to me. My bank account has been notated with "AKA Married Name" because of a surprise check he sent me for my birthday last year (my father has a tendency to show love with money, which *almost* encourages me to keep him in my life for the financial assistance, but I feel slimy using *anyone* like that, including him).

I took my mother's maiden name. He'd recognize it, he wouldn't be happy about it. Do I tell him? When I mail out his Xmas present via FedEx, do I put my current or my married name on the return address? (When sending regular mail, I usually just put an address without a name, but baked goods need to be sent overnight.) It's not that I'm *actively* hiding it from him, it's just that he's never asked and I've never really found a good way to divulge. I'm also kinda worried that if I move from this address his mail will get lost or returned to sender. I don't plan on ever having kids, but if I'm female, so I likely wouldn't be passing along my last name anyway. I'm my father's only child. Advise me, Hive Mind!

So much for long story *short*.

Can't find the wife.

Anonymous — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 21:13:02 -0800

How can I find out if I am still married? Back in a previous century, this Canadian guy was living with a student from overseas. (It was a standard boyfriend-girlfriend situation, lest someone assume that marrying someone from abroad is only an immigration scam or a mail-order bride deal.) When the end of her visa was approaching, things went south in her homeland and she would have been in danger due to her ethnicity, and the best short-term answer I could find to help her stay here was to marry her. We went to city hall with some witnesses and said the words.

Everything was fine, and two things happened subsequently: the situation in her homeland calmed down, and we drifted apart. First we were together, then we were living separately, then work took me away to a different city. We lost touch. She had my contact info but didn't use it. When I came back to town a few months later, she had moved from her last address and the people she had been living with said they had no forwarding address.

This was over ten years ago. Since then I have consulted with friends in both the RCMP and the Canadian Border Services Agency but they have no records of her. I have contacted every mutual friend we had, and no one has heard from her. Fifty or more Google searches for every variation of her name (including with my surname) have turned up nothing. And my final attempt (friends living in her home country) report that my last hope for contact, her parents, are no longer at that address and indeed there is no one under that last name in any phone directories for that city.

At this point, I am either still married to someone I have not seen in a decade, or divorced, or a widower. How do I find out which? If I want to get married again, I do not wish to commit inadvertent bigamy.

I realize that this question could be construed as asking for advice on stalking someone, but there is honestly no unpleasantness in our history together. We grew apart and split up amiably... if I never see her again, I am fine with that, but I just want to know if I can move on with my life. And while I know YANML: if I cannot locate her and must assume we are still married, how does one start divorce proceedings in the absence of one's spouse?

Throwaway e-mail at amistillmarried@live.com

"Fathers be good to your daughters / Daughters will love like you do"

rmm — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 15:59:01 -0800

Found long lost dad - now what? Hi Mefis,

I'm hoping to get some perspective here on what to do, especially from folks who have found long lost relatives and how they've dealt with reconnecting. I tend to turn here when I have a question, so I figured, 'why not again' since in some ways this is the ultimate Meta thing to find and deal with.

So after putting it off for years, I finally traced my father's wearabouts - the last time I saw him in person was 13 years ago, and he had basically dropped off the face of the earth (no forwarding address, very little contact with my family over the years). My parents split when I was very young, and he left town without providing child support. As a result my mother scrapped by providing for my half sister and I. I saw him a few times when I was still a child after that initial split, but I don't remember them very clearly - they were kind of a 'he breezes into town and gives us $100 and a stuffed toy' type moments. He wrote occasionally to me over the years to say how he loved me, but contact was minimal. Needless to say I have a therapist whom I'm working with to deal with my issues of feeling abandoned, fear of commitment, etc. stemming from not having a father, or an absent one at best.

My mother asked me never to contact him - I think she was still upset about the split, which was very hostile. They never divorced - she was so upset by the experience she didn't even bother to formally divorce him. Unfortunately she died earlier this year, and curiosity got the better of me - I hired a private investigator, who found that my father is in my old hometown. The question is what to do next. I'll be visiting my hometown for the holidays and can't decide what to do next - and what's the best thing for both parties. He'd be 76, and while I'm angry he left us, I'm exactly not wild about just barging into his life after all these years with a bunch of questions. He's 76 - how well is he going to be? I don't want to make an already stressful time of the year even more stressful by reentering his life, and I have no intention of making this a miserable experience for either party. Having said that, he's got to have expected that his daughter would want to meet him eventually, right? And I have a bunch of questions that feel reasonable to want to have answered. Some of the questions are practical - like finding out my family's medical history on his side, since I know nothing about it. Some of the questions though are very emotional in nature - finding out why he left, what's he like (personality wise), and I guess some sort of sense that he regrets not being in my life. I'm trying to be open minded in the experience, and realize that the results may not be ideal - that he may not feel like he did anything wrong, that he may not want to meet, that this is just an opportunity and nothing more, and to go into it as being a positive experience regardless of the outcome. I know as an adult that most things in life (and relationships especially) aren't black or white but grey - he could be feeling shame at leaving us, uncertain at contacting me, etc. etc.

So what are my options? Do I write him beforehand, telling him I'll be in town and that I'd like to meet for coffee? Do I try and call him instead - although that's not necessarily an option, since he apparently didn't pick up the phone when the private investigator called. Do I just show up on his doorstep and hope for the best? Or do I do nothing - just let sleeping dogs lie, and resign myself to never knowing about him? There are other options I can use - i.e. in-laws and family friends who are willing to run 'interference' and show up with me to at a coffee shop if he wants to meet. Would that be smart to do? I feel like I'm never going to have resolution on this issue until I meet him - and even if he turned out to be a total jerk, at least I can say, 'well, I met my dad, and he was a jerk', and at least I'd know it. Is it selfish of me to be doing this at this point in my life? If you've gone through this experience, what did you say or do at the time to make it easier on both of you?

I appreciate any advice especially from those who've been there. You can Mefi mail me if you'd prefer to take this offline. Thanks!

How do you save a marriage after an affair?

wantstobeadesigner — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 19:27:19 -0800

My world is destroyed after an affair. I desperately need advice. Its a long story... Please help. This is such a long story... I will try to keep it as short as possible.

My husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years. We just got married 3 months ago. About 4 years into our relationship I had something blindside me. A married man came on to me. Before I knew it, I was involved in an affair with not only this married man but another younger, single man as well. This went on for less than a year before I broke both of them off completely. Neither of the relationships were meaningful beyond a lust level.

I tried to carry on with my life like nothing happened and never told my bf. We got engaged 6 months later. He still had no idea. My guilt never really went away. I went on antidepressants. My personally was changing. It was killing me and us.

Then, six months after the engagement the truth started to come out in the form of rumors. Many of which were true but I continued to deny it. I told my fiance half truths thinking I was protecting him. I told him that I was having feeling with the younger guy but I never admitted anything sexual happened... I also completely denied that I had anything to do with the married man fearing that his family/young kids would be destroyed. In hind site I cant believe I ever committed such horrible acts. I had convinced myself it never happened.

I went on living a lie for a the entire next year. Several times I was asked if there was more to the story and I was always to scared to fess up. I went on with lie after lie. His fears were very founded and never subsided. I went through with the wedding, we bought a house. Three months later I cracked.

He was begging for the truth and I started to give it to him. He was so upset he left, made plans to move out and he wants this relationship to end. Here is my problem. I am so desperate to try and make this work, but I still am too scared to admit the whole truth. I know he will go to the married mans wife and I am so afraid that I have done enough damage and dont want anyone else to feel this hurt. I am really guilty and so so ashamed. I cant stand the idea of how this additional information will hurt my husband. I know I am in the wrong but still want to save my relationship. What should I do???

Divorce to Go

freddymetz — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 21:28:11 -0800

PFAF: Getting Divorced in Mexico? Both Mexican citizens, no joint possessions, one baby (2 years old).
What is the easiest, quickest and CHEAPEST way to get divorced?

How do I cope and have best outcome for son in viscious custody battle?

Anonymous — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 09:38:37 -0800

Horrible custody battle about to begin. How do I cope and have the best outcome for my son? I'm shaking at I type this...my husband and I have been fighting for 10 months straight since my son came home. Im' not sure if it's just general stress, post partum anxiety, etc. but we just immediately hated each other. Divorce has been thrown around on and off by both of us but each time it's mentioned, my husband threatens to take my son away from me. Now he's saving emails and being clear of "well I"m not taking him away from you but no man will raise my son and you can have him on weekends."

This guy can't afford his own place, healthcare, etc. (I make double). He's using my mental state against me as ammunition. I'm at an unreasonably high stress level with the new baby (possibly post partum anxiety), my husband always picking a fight with me, and my mother has 3 months or less to live and I am in charge of her final plans. I've been in therapy on and off and currently since May. We've been in marriage therapy but it's to no avail. He refuses individual therapy for himself. He's on Cymbalta for anxiety/sleep issues I need to go on something because I'm ready to crack.

It tears me up and disgusts me that he is always saying I won't have our son. I'm scared of his threats. A lawyer told me that it won't happen, that the courts will decide. But that leaves it open to chance and I'm terrified. My son is my world. For my husband he's obviously someone to use against me to hurt me. It's sick.

I want to make sure that this process doesn't hurt our son but the way my husband wants to play it's going to and I don't know what to do? My therapist said don't divorce now because of my mom but I can't take the threats and the fighting anymore.
I'm at work now crying my eyes out at my desk because I'm so scared.

Divorce, even if nothing is bad?

Anonymous — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 21:24:39 -0800

I (male) have been married for a number of years (~10). Nothing is necessarily bad about our marriage, but I've felt that we've been lacking passion since before we were married. It just never seemed to matter enough to be worth a divorce.. except that it does matter in the end. I'll try to keep this reasonably short.

My wife and I have similar interests, went to school together (civil engineering), hang out together just great. We're very good friends.

At the beginning of our relationship, we started as friends, and she did not want to start dating as she didn't feel that way about me. I persisted (for whatever reason it is that you fixate on someone), and we eventually started dating. We went to movies, we played video games, we went to art shows, etc etc.. we have many of the same interests.

We never had a period of time at the beginning of some relationships where we had sex more than a few times a week. Over the years, it has only grown more infrequent (sometimes once or twice every couple months). I don't remember how much I was attracted physically to her before we dated, but she quickly gained weight in our relationship, and I haven't been attracted to her since. I like her as a person, but I never want to have sex just because she looks good. It's generally more my hormones or she pushes for it.

In terms of being attracted, I've tried tricking my mind in many ways, I've tried "just having sex", I've tried looking at porn first.. I just like skinny / fit girls. And I like my wife, and she's sensitive about her weight. She's asked before (in somewhat of a horrified tone of voice) if I wasn't attracted to her anymore because she was fat. I denied it and had sex.. every time she asks. I couldn't imagine how much it would hurt her to agree.

She's thought about losing weight sometimes, I invite her exercising, but she just doesn't have much motivation. We've argued about it a few times (me, trying not to be too pushy), and she says she just doesn't care enough, and it's too hard, etc etc.

My wife and I were almost divorced around 6 years ago due to a relationship she had with another male. I ended up with another woman for a few months, and we really hit it off physically. I was pleased to see that I was not lacking hormones and a sex drive. My wife and I ended up getting back together due to multiple "relationship fixing" books. I assumed at the time that we had just had problems communicating. (the issue at the time was us spending too much time online, not enough time with each other, etc)

Now I'm thinking that I should have recognized that there are other important things missing from the relationship, not so easily fixed with a book.

We've been planning on having kids for awhile (I just turned 32), and I'm concerned. Our relationship isn't horrible, but it isn't great. She has a job, I have a job, we have no kids. If we divorce now, we split assets. If we have kids, the entire situation becomes much more complicated.

I've decided at times to just stop thinking about divorce and continue on with life, but it pops up later when I find myself feeling dissatisfied. Part of the reason I'm posting now is that I feel much more satisfied about everything else in my life lately. I like my work, I like my friends, I like my fitness level, etc. I feel that I've been really improving myself over the last few years, and my marriage is lagging behind.

Questions / problems:

I'm not sure if I'm only not attracted to her due to her weight. If this is the only problem, then I should really tell her the truth it seems, and give her the choice to lose weight. But what if I tell her to lose weight, and she does, and I'm still not attracted? I also don't feel that forcing her to lose weight is a good relationship strategy.. first, it seems very rude. Secondly, what if she gains back the weight in 5 years?

Assuming it's not just her weight, what else leads you to feel passionately about someone? I "like" my wife a lot. I feel extremely empathic about her. I protect her. But some people drool over their spouses, say how wonderful they are. I'd really love to feel that if it's possible for me. But what if it's not? Do you feel that everyone has a chance for something better than a "good" marriage?

As long as I'm making this long post, I'd love to hear from people who either have a passionate marriage, or didn't and do now..

Where's the former Mrs. Johnson now?

December — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 11:20:31 -0800

Whatever happened to Meriam al Khalifa? Back in 1999, Bahrain's Sheikha Meriam al Khalifa ran off to the States with Marine Jason Johnson, married him here and subsequently divorced in 2001. She had initially claimed she would face punishment if sent back to Bahrain, but my understanding is that she did head back home to Bahrain after the terrorist attacks in 2001.

I've googled to no avail. Does anyone know what became of her once she returned to Bahrain? Was she punished? Remarried? Ostracized?

Why am I suddenly having these dreams?

kleenkat — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 18:31:39 -0800

Why have I suddenly started to dream about other women? Here is some background info... I am not married but in a long term relationship with another woman for about a year and a half. (I am also a chick). We recently purchased a house together and will be moving next month. Also, I just turned 29 and my parents recently divorced this year after 30 years of marriage. I have dreams about random stuff like this maybe a couple times a year, not often. BUT, in the past three nights alone I have had dreams with consecutive themes-- I am with another woman, or cheating on my girlfriend, or she simply does not exist.

The first dream I had reunited with an ex, my first "love" and real relationship, so to speak who I was with for three years and also have had unresolved issues with for the past couple of years since we split. I have since moved on but from time to time get nostalgic and/or have dreams. This dream was one of intense love.. I remember embracing my ex and saying "Please don't do anything crazy until I'm done with this semester of school" (I'm finished grad school). I am having a hard time with school, work, and remodeling our house right now I guess is why I said that. but in my dream, I felt so much love and my current girlfriend didn't exist.

The second dream was with some "weird" girl who was kind of hippy or bohemian, I didn't know her, and we just had a weird sexual relationship/friendship. She shared a house with a bunch of weird people, etc. I don't know. Again my current girlfriend wasn't present.

The third dream was about a girl in my class who honestly I had not even thought about since the 1st day of class. I just remember thinking, "man I am old" since it was an undergrad and the class had both undergrads and graduates. Not attracted to this girl in real life, and I don't think we have even spoken. But in my dream, we had a really awesome friendship and relationship and the sex was amazing. She had so much spunk (again I dont know this girl at all) and was really fun to be around. I kept telling her something like, "I can't do this, blahblahblah, my girlfriend" ...then I got really frightened she was going to blab about our affair to my current girlfriend. anyway I woke up and was like, WTF?

Why am I having all these dreams about other women.... maybe sometimes I think my girlfriend is not very fun or very spontaneous, but, I do love her very much and she is funny. The sex is OK. We are very compatable as mates, and after the whole thing with my parents, and since I was very young, I've always questioned the reality of "love" and the assignments to the word.... I ask myself all the time if it is real, have I have been "in" love, etc. But I think I just suffer from the "grass is greener" syndrome. I am happy with her, I think I may just be ready to get out of this small apartment, and done with the hectic semester. Oh, and quit dreaming about other women because it makes me feel like I missed out on something, but that may be wrong of me to thing/feel. What do you think? TIA...

Bad timing for a new relationship?

Anonymous — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 14:32:47 -0800

Has anyone ever pulled out a "goodbye- hope to see you in a couple of years"? and actually reunite after that? I recently became divorced. (since last May). About 2 months ago, an ex-girlfriend contacted me via FB. We had not seen or talked to each other in about 15 years or more….It turns out she is going thru divorce as well. Fairly similar timelines. So we agreed to have coffee together. I guess there was a genuine attraction that did not die in all these years. We have become quite emotionally involved, pretty fast, in these last 2 months.
In the past weeks, some friction and discussions have started to appear. I can clearly see that most of these issues are triggered by past stuff, not necessarily issues related to her, but more like "past baggage".
I know intuitively that I should heal and fix all my past issues before
jumping into a new one. And definitely after a divorce!! So, I actually started attending therapy sessions about a month ago. I have a strong feeling that I really need to do this- deal with all my issues, otherwise I may certainly start engaging in the same (unhealthy) patterns.

So I have 2 choices:
a) stop seeing her altogether. Say "goodbye- and hopefully in one or two
years, we'll both be in a better emotional state. I'll look for you"
[BTW, has anyone ever pulled a stunt like this? or heard of a couple who did? Does it work? - I am afraid to loose her, actually, but I need to
heal myself first]
or
b) remain as "friends" -absolutely nothing more-. She would definitely
help me get thru this rough patch as a friend…and I could help her as well, But not really sure if I need to do this alone, or if having her present in my life will interfere.

As always, appealing to this great community to give me insight into
my options…advice, suggestions, all welcome.

You got married at what age?

ripley_ — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 13:44:43 -0800

I’m in the process of divorcing, and starting to date seriously again. The catch: I’m absurdly young to be in this situation. How and when to break the news to dates? Here’s some background info:

I’m 22, male, and in the process of divorcing. I was married at 21 and it only lasted 10 months - we weren’t ready for it, weren't perfect for each other, etc etc. Yes, it was crazy to get married at that age but there were a lot of reasons for it at the time (not great ones in hindsight) and we had been together on and off since early high school.

We split up just over 5 months ago, I instigated it, and while it wasn’t easy it was mostly amicable and there is hardly any bad blood. The breakup had been brewing for at least 3-4 months before that, so I’ve had a lot of time to come to terms with it. Unfortunately, we can’t get divorced until we’ve been separated for a year due to provincial law.

So here’s the problem: I just met someone who I’m really interested in, we talked for a couple hours at a mutual friend’s party, and we’re going on a date this Friday. I’d like to be completely honest about my situation, but I’d also like to put my best foot forward because let's face it, this is really weird for people my age.

I’m thinking that I’ll mention that the marriage was short, ended well, and the divorce isn’t finalized for purely legal reasons. I’ll also mention that I’m done with the rebound relationship stage*. Maybe I’ll even mention that some good came of it - now I think more before making commitments.

So, MeFi - can you think of anything else I could say to make this less off-putting? Is this way too much information for a (sort of) second date? Is there a best time to mention this during the date, or should I risk saying it before/after the date? Any help or advice would be very much appreciated!

*Really, I am. The end of the marriage was obvious months before it happened, I've dated casually since, and even had some NSA fun that ultimately made me snap out of the "I'll date or sleep with anything!" mindset. "Give yourself more time"-type answers are respectfully declined.

Spousal credit repair?

Anonymous — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 11:51:24 -0800

What is the best way to help my spouse improve her credit? My wife has bad credit due to her irresponsible ex-husband and their divorce. My credit is average. I have a credit card that I pay off month. I have yet to add her to my credit card. We're also about to buy a new car. Any recommendations?

Learning to THRIVE alone after divorce.

MultiFaceted — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 21:38:35 -0800

After divorce, how can I learn to be a confident, whole individual without being in a relationship? I'm struggling with insecurity, I feel like there is a part of me missing, and I've gotten myself so worked up about it that I'm in a state of "analysis paralysis." Please help me break through that paralysis! I am divorced (1 year and some change) after a 7 year marriage. The big issue in the marriage was that my ex eventually decided that he just didn’t want to be married to me anymore. Over the last 4+ years of the marriage, he withdrew emotionally, stopped telling me he loved me (when I asked he would answer “sometimes I love you”), told me that he didn’t miss me when I left for trips/conferences, was never in the mood for intimacy (not even kissing, very rarely hugging, never initiated by him), and toward the end began lying about random things. I’m not convinced that an affair was happening…I’m not convinced that it didn’t happen either. Needless to say, I spent those 4 years analyzing and guessing at what would make him love me again, which I now see was a massive blow to my self esteem. I lost touch with who I was (I used to be a strong, independent, determined woman) during that time, and that just kills me.

While the divorce was immensely painful (I believe that you just don’t “give up” on a lifetime commitment but I had no other choice), it was also the absolute right thing to do and I feel like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders as I started life over. I got the very clear, strong message that I needed to use this time in my life to “learn to live alone” in preparation for a future relationship, if that makes any sense. I definitely feel as though I will be married again someday, but now is my time to develop as a person. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what I’m struggling with.

I feel as though something is missing in my life, and I think it’s the fact that I am not in a relationship (for the record, I have been talking to an ex boyfriend and we have talked about wanting to date each other in the future but right now we both have “issues” to work through. So there’s the possibility there, and it’s constantly on my mind). I know that I’m smart, I have a great job, great friends who love me, and I contribute positively to the world. But I long to have a partner…someone that I know for certain loves me and thinks about me and wants to be with me. The only way I can explain it is that I’m just not fully successful and complete without that. There are times where I am just “paralyzed” with that longing and wind up wasting hours just watching TV or reading (which equals procrastination) instead of being active, and I hate that! It’s holding me back, and I just can’t figure out how to get past it. I also have a huge sense of insecurity/anxiety about any future relationships…like I’ll misread a man’s signs and screw up a potential relationship or chase after men that truly aren’t into me.

I did therapy as the marriage was ending (yes, currently attempting to get back in to see someone), and it is helpful but it’s only 1 hour a week. I understand CBT (trained in it!) and so I know all of the mental exercises that I should be doing. My counselor training is working against me at the moment though (I’m good at convincing myself that it won’t work or that I won’t do it right) and I’ve gotten myself in a state of “analysis paralysis”.

I am looking for any advice or personal anecdotes you can give me. I want to make the most of this time being single and I desperately want to clear this hurdle. How can I learn to feel like a “whole person” without a relationship? How do I deal with that huge feeling of insecurity I have? I’m open to book suggestions, Bible verses, specific things to do, hard questions to ponder, a good butt kicking, whatever you got to break the mental paralysis and move forward. I’ll be glad to hear it all!

When getting a divorce, how does a house with an underwater mortgage count towards dividing assets?

cnc — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 14:16:34 -0800

You're not my lawyer, but when getting a divorce, how does a house with an underwater mortgage count toward dividing assets? My spouse and I are getting divorced after six years of marriage, and we're in California, if that matters. We purchased the house shortly before getting married. We paid $265,000 and borrowed $28,000 from the spouse's family for closing costs and the down payment, so the loan amount was about $237,000.

Six years later, the house is now worth somewhere between $190,000 and $200,000. We have repaid around $9,000 of the loan from the spouse's family. We owe something like $205,000 to the bank for the house.

Let's say we have $100,000 in the bank, combined. My spouse will be keeping the house. How does the underwater mortgage and loan to the spouse's family affect the dividing of assets?

Is it as simple as assets ($100,000 in cash) minus liabilities (-$15,000 underwater mortgage, -$20,000 to the spouse's family) divided by two? This would leave me (the non-home-keeper) with $32,500.

Secondary questions - my spouse will be keeping most of the furniture and household items and the more valuable vehicle. Are these factored into the assets in calculating where the cash is divided? Is retirement account value also factored in?

I know that a lawyer can better answer these questions, but I'd like to have an idea of the answers, and Metafilter isn't going to cost me $250 an hour. Thanks.

Looking for a Kick-ass Marriage Counsellor

Anonymous — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 16:34:54 -0800

Help me save my family. I am looking for a really good marriage counsellor in Edmonton, AB. Complications inside. Everything was really great and loving and fun and then suddenly my husband moved out. He is having an affair with a much, much younger woman but says that he wants to work on our latent compatibility issues. (my wording)

The complicating issue is that, through google and a discussion with a psychiatrist friend, I feel that he had been having a hypomanic episode for the first (recognised) time in his life.

I am seeing a counsellor since this happened (two weeks ago) and saw one for years in the past to get my head in order. He is a recovered addict who has never seen a counsellor. I hope that he will start seeing one but that's not my call. He feels confused but great.

Ironically, we are really great communicators and we need someone really, hard core to help us--not someone who will ask us to "think of five nice things to say to each other". Know what I mean?

And I also need someone who can see and possibly treat (or direct to treatment) the hypomania because I can't mention it to him because he would resent me for trying to blame him. I don't mind going there--I just don't want to start there.

Also any similar experience with hypomania is welcome. The information on the web is sometimes conflicting.

Here is a throw-away email if you want to respond that way. -- savemyfamilyplease@gmail.com

Paying spousal support painlessly?

eleslie — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 08:03:14 -0800

How can I set up spousal support payments in the least painful way possible? My ex-husband and I divorced recently after 20 years of marriage due to his infidelity. Because I am the one with the good job (he did not work for about 10 of our 20 years of marriage - I know, I know, big red flag but when you're committed, you overlook stuff for the sake of the relationship - sigh), I have to pay him spousal support of $1,000 a month. This just drives me nuts but I am dealing with the divorce by interacting with him as little as possible. One thing I would like to do is set up the SS payment as an automatic withdrawal from my checking account to his checking account (takes less thought, effort, and postage on my part) but my bank does not do this for payments to individuals, only to companies. Anyone have other ideas on how I can get this done? My priorities is to get it done easily/automatically so the only thought I need to give it is to subtract the $$ from my checking account each month. Any ideas would be helpful. My bank is not giving me any ideas other than, "No, we can't do that."

BTW, the no-fault divorce laws in California are evil, as far as I am concerned.

Creative solutions on how to deal with the house in an otherwise unproblematic, amicable divorce? (state: PA)

leticia — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 15:49:32 -0800

Looking for suggestions on how to deal with the situation where one spouse wants to stay in the house, while the other spouse could use the money from selling the house. Standard IANAL / YANAL disclaimer.

A good friend of mine is going through a slow separation/divorce process. Amicable. They have been separated for a couple years, but moving slowly toward divorce. Apart from inertia, I suspect the main thing holding them back is the house, which is the only shared asset of note.

The house is paid off, and his wife lives in it. The wife would like to stay living in the house but she can't afford to buy him out unless she sells or re-mortgages. My friend would like to cash out his share of the house, but doesn't want to put her out of it, and feels bad about putting her in a position of having to go back into debt on it. And who wants to sell in this market?

Now, though, the wife went to a lawyer to make it official. She makes no demands or dispute at all about anything in the divorce, but in the papers he got from her lawyer, it seems she expects him to just give her the house and give up his interest in it.

My friend is the kind who doesn't want to make waves, and has just about talked himself in to going with the path of least resistance and just agreeing to her proposal, but some of his friends have been trying to convince him otherwise. I don't think he has to be vindictive toward her -- i am all for amicable when it comes to divorces -- but i think it's only fair for him to get part of the house.

What kind of options do they have for dealing with the house in the divorce? I've been trying to get him to talk to a lawyer or mediator to see if there's some kind of creative solution they can come up with.

What about keeping joint ownership of the house after they divorce -- is there some way of making an agreement that says she doesn't have to sell the house or leave, but whenever she does, she has to split the proceeds 50-50? Or could you make some kind of contract or agreement that would bind them to a time limit -- like within X years they have to resolve the house issue or sell it. I'm trying to think of ways that protect his financial interest in the house, while possibly also give time for the market to climb back up a little.

Or is it just asking for trouble for them to stay in a shared-ownership relationship after the divorce? I've been talking about this in the context of this being an amicable split, but maybe they should just suck it up and sell the house and split the money?

Are there any other creative solutions that could be helpful here?

Go to it, hive.

How to get on track to make major life decisions with the best outcome for me and my son?

stormpooper — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 08:16:29 -0800

Major life decisions thrown my way. Feeling totally inept at making a good decision. Any ideas on how to sort it out and get on track? All at once three major decisions have been thrown my way since the birth of our son.
1. my mother has terminal cancer and my father has a history of major cardiac issues. Essentially their time is almost up (esp. my mom). They have to update their will/trust but are calling me daily on how to word it since they hate (and that is describing it lightly) my husband and don't want him to get the money and what to know what I'm doing about my future with him. They are caught on the beneficiaries (me and my son and maybe future children?) and I just don't know how to answer it because of issue #2.

2. I'm in limbo on what to do with my marriage. We have a 10 month old son who is our whole life. But since his birth, it is like I had an eye opening experience. My husband and I don't have a real partnership and/or future together. I am the only one saving for a 401k, savings, managing bills, etc. but can do little else because he doesn't make enough with his own business to participate but he also doesn't try or think about ways to improve it.

Same goes with a college fund for our son. I figured to transfer his formula expense over to a college fund when he's done eating formula. My husband doesn't think of those things.

His business is not thriving very well and the income fluctuates way too much. It's not like he isn't trying but you can't make people buy and you can't make people pay an invoice on time. He spits profits with partners and is going back and forth about going on his own.

My point is that his business has had huge ups ad downs for 8 years and now we have a child and I want him to get a regular job (keep his business on the side). He won't. Get a 2nd job. He won't. Sell some luxuries we really don't need. He won't. Let's talk about our future and how to get things in line so we have one (we're nearly 40 for Christ's sake). He won't.

In short I hear that I stress him out. In an attempt to reach out I outlined my feelings in an email to him and he said he disagrees with everything I outlined (like the points above). He gets very defensive and all I hear is everything is my fault/making mountains out of moehills. The final straw is I'm begging him to go to marriage therapy since me going alone is stupid and pointless. He feels that therapy only goes in circles and causes fights. My therapist is very anti-divorce and sees it as a worse scenario for me and my son.

I don't know what to do. He can be amazingly supportive, caring, loving, fun, etc. But the practical side aligning with my wants and beliefs aren't matching up at all and I, and many of my friends/parents/his parents/siblings feel he will NEVER change (let's live life like a partner and create a solid future instead of this circling day to day, paycheck to paycheck crap).

Divorce is expensive (I make more), scary, and a huge hassle esp. with a son involved. I'm scared and confused. I don't want to scar my son since I worry about making sure we both remain adults in handling his care. (I am more level headed but he knows how to push my buttons). It breaks my heart that I"m trying to make a better life for everyone yet if I divorce, I have to split birthdays/holidays/time with my son.

And to create a future for myself? I feel I can't fix our problems--financially, romantically, etc. How the hell am I going to do it on our own? How can I raise an emotionally healthy child who has a solid, determined, good future away from drugs, picking the right crowd, throwing tantrums, going to college, experience life abroad, getting a good job, etc?

And if I chose such a husband who we always had big ups and downs with, who will be the next person I choose? I'm terrified of picking someone with a gambling problem, an abuser, a drug addict, someone else who has no goals, etc.

I just feel I can't make these decisions yet I have to. My parents' inheritance is the only guarantee for a future for me and our son--in a marriage or alone. Yet my husband has always been incredibly dumb with money and pushes me into really bad financial decisions (HELOC where we had to refi with a cash out!) and never thinks ahead. They've been discussing to give it all to my son and that leaves me out of any retirement or even buying a house if I did divorce.

3. Who would you recommend seeing to get daily financial advice from. For example, I need someone to help me set a financial budget for daily life and how to achieve life goals like retirement, paying off credit cards, contributing to college, paying off my home, etc. A CPA? My Fidelity investment manager can't answer our financial budget "this is how you need to live life daily and for x amount of years". He just said "you need an emergency fund first." Um no shit. How do I get there when we have major bills and it feels like pay check to pay check?

Where do I start on figuring out point A-Z with the best outcome? Therapy isn't helping jack. My parents are dying and were never a good example to follow in marriage advice (they live in a very abusive/dysfunctional relationship).

I just feel like I'm in my late 30s with a son, married yet doing everything alone and wrong.

Very sorry for the length of this but appreciate some advice.

How do I collect a divorce judgment?

littlegreenboat — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 11:46:30 -0800

I would love any input you might have, even though you are not my lawyer. Four years ago my husband moved out and left me with his unpaid medical bills. Since the debt was incurred while we were married and living together, we were legally considered co-debtors. He told me had worked out a payment plan and I didn't find out otherwise until we were separated and subsequently sued. I was able to settle this debt, but my savings was wiped out (while we were married we had a his, hers, and ours system of money management). As part of the divorce settlement I was granted a judgment totaling $5000 + 10% annual simple interest. He signed off on this and didn't contest the amount. Fast forward to today and he hasn't made any attempts to pay off the judgment. But then again, I haven't made any attempts to collect. I've decided to give it a shot, not just for the money itself, but also because I believe that there is a larger issue of fairness at stake. The problem is, I have no idea how to go about collecting this debt.

For the most part my ex tends to go all ostrichy when unpleasant things arise - he's an amiable and likeable fellow, but avoidant as hell (see above). Maybe he's changed, maybe not. Because the ex that I knew is most likely to ignore a demand letter from me, I would rather not send one without credible and actionable recourse if he does not respond. In short, I won't bluff.

A few facts: I live in Oregon (where the divorce occurred) and ex now lives in Maryland. I am fairly certain he has no real property. I don't know if ex is remarried or not. I am about 85% certain that I have his present address. I have the name of one of his employers, but I doubt that it's current. I think it's safe to assume that he has a job. I have the all the vital stats a (former) spouse would have - previous addresses, SSN, DOB etc.

I've looked into enforcing this judgment myself but the different-sides-of-the-country issue makes it complicated. As one can imagine, trying to do things like proper service/notice, wage garnishments, or transfer of foreign (out of state) judgment from 3000 miles away without representation is damn tricky. I've talked to a few attorneys and their rates tend to be higher than what I can afford to lose if I come up empty handed. I haven't found an lawyer that will take this case on contingency and the few collection agencies I've looked at only buy debts from business, but my search for either certainly hasn't been exhaustive.

And advice would be greatly appreciated!

Divorced, jobless, need advice.

saragoodman3 — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 20:52:53 -0800

Stuck in a rut. Help me find meaning, direction, and help me get back on my feet. My husband cheated on me, and after months of trying to work it out, I left him, and moved back to the town where I grew up (2000 miles away from where I’ve lived for the last seven years), to be near my family. As the first one to get divorced, they don’t know what to do with me, or what to say, though they have tried to be supportive. They often leave me out of plans , because they think it will hurt my feelings to be invited, and even though I’ve explained it hurts more to be left out, they don’t seem to get it.
After our marriage ended and I was forced to move back home, I lost a lot of friends, and the handful of girlfriends I have left have small children, are married, and can rarely talk on the phone. We facebook.
I got laid off, so I get unemployment, but have been unemployed for months. I have been volunteering, taking classes, and taking care of my elderly grandmother, who has cancer.
I met a nice guy at the dog park, and even though I like him just fine, and he is a good person, there is no spark.
Luckily, I have a great dog companion, and a kitty has adopted us. I am never lonely at home. They are endlessly entertaining, and are wonderful company for the hour or two I sit on the couch at night.
I have no furniture, I have few clothes, I'm sleeping on an air mattress. I miss the house I carefully decorated, and the kitchen utensils I saved up for. I miss my stand mixer. I used to enjoy cooking, but don’t have the tools anymore, and don’t see the point in cooking for myself.
I'm broke. I don’t have a job. I don’t really have a boyfriend, but I'm okay with that. I miss having girlfriends. Its hard to not have coworkers at least. I'm thinking about trying internet dating. I just turned thirty. I spent my birthday with the dog.
Its nice not to have much junk; its nice not to have a bunch of near-meaningless material things. I was living in a mild climate, working a jeans-and-tshirt job. In the next few weeks, I'm going to need a winter coat, heavy boots, new tires, and hopefully I will need work clothes. I can shop at thrift stores. I don’t know how I will afford much. My husband has the savings account.
I feel lost. I need direction. I need motivation. I need to read books or watch videos about living frugally and surviving divorce. I used to have goals, but now I don’t see how I can accomplish them by myself; many are no longer applicable (have kids, vacation together, etc).
I went to therapy, but cant really afford it anymore, and didn’t get much out of it. I was hoping for feedback and inspiration, but all I got was a sympathetic ear (wow, your husband was an unbelievable jerk!). sympathy isn’t bad, but wasn’t what I needed.
Where should I look for inspiration? I need guidance. I need to get out of my rut. Please don’t tell me to just ‘get over it’; I get that from my well-meaning family members.
I need to conjure a job. I’ve actually been offered a few – and I accepted, right before they called me back to say the position had been cancelled by upper management. Its hard to even apply when I know the odds of my application even being looked at is so slim.
I have been successful before, but I don’t know how to be again.
I know part of this post is a pity party, but please ignore that. I really need help, and have tried to pull myself up by my bootstraps, and have tried to lean on family. Now I am here to humbly ask the meta advice.
Have you been through this? How did you get through it? Advice is appreciated, links to helpful books or websites included. Please keep in mind that I cant go out and buy a bunch of books.

Can a U.S. citizen and PR of Canada legally file for divorce in the U.S. rather than in Canada?

otfence — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 12:27:18 -0800

My husband and I are U.S. citizens and Permanent Residents of Canada. Are we required to file for divorce in Canada because we're legal residents there? If it's permissible to file in either country, anyone know of pro's or con's for either choice? I do know that in Canada there's a one-year waiting period (from the time of separation) required before filing. I'm particularly wondering if there are any known differences in how inheritance is treated in divorce. If it makes any difference, the state in the U.S. that I would file is Nevada, and the province in Canada is B.C.

What to do after you open Pandora's box?

Anonymous — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 08:34:22 -0800

My husband is cheating on me and has been for at least two years. He doesn't know I found out. Now what? I've had suspicions for a long time, but nothing concrete that I could point to and say, "See!" It was just uneasy feelings. We used to share a computer and one time I found a lot of gay porn links in the history while trying to recover a tab had accidentally closed. I talked to him about it, but he said he had misclicked, and like I said, I had nothing really concrete to point to.

A couple days ago he was in the bedroom on his lap top, it was late, and he came out kind of in a rush and asked if I wanted one of those iced coffee drinks from Wendy's because he wanted a frosty shake. I said sure and he went off. He was gone a long time. Longer than would be normal, so I texted where are you? He texted back that he had gone a whole town over to the Starbucks. It seemed odd to me because he had just scolded me about money and Starbucks by us is way more expensive than Wendy's. But Starbucks was closed and he was going with his first choice, and he'd get me coffee at Wawa. I reminded him he said Wendy's and he got flustered and said he was getting a milkshake from Wawa.

It just felt off and I shouldn't have done it, I know, but I went to the bedroom and opened his lap top. It was on and his gmail account was up. He was exchanging e-mail with someone from craigslist, and they were discussing some meet up place with glory holes and stuff. My husband was telling him he'd been going for at least 2 years and was happy there.

I was off by the time he got home and he handed me the coffee. He didn't even have a milkshake himself. It was weird.

The next day I ran his email name through google and he had used his e-mail name as his user name for a website where you advertise for quick hookups.

I don't know what to do. We have a young son together. I'm a stay at home mom and haven't worked in over 5 years. I have no money because my husband has always said he works for the money so it's his, and I get only what I need. So I feel really helpless. I know this is going on, but so what? I don't seem to be in a position to do anything.

I'm embarrassed and scared, and my chest hurts all the time thinking about this. I haven't told anyone in my family because there's so much going on right now like weddings and stuff and I don't want to ruin anything, and a lot of them thought I was too young to marry and would be very much I-told-you-so.

What should I do next? Who should I talk to besides him? I don't want to continue this marriage.

ifeelsostupid@gmail.com if you have advice too long for a comment.

Financial info divorce/kids in AU

cerebrum — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 04:59:03 -0800

Australian Family Law filter. Spouse maintenance, child support,divorce financials? Had a heated fight with my partner of 12yrs tonight. She asked me to leave for good, and made a comment along the lines of she would bankrupt me and take the kids.
Both calmed down now and apologised, but I am feeling a bit vulnerable because I have no idea what my financial responsibilities would be if she did walk out.
Can anybody give me an idea what spousal maintenance and other obligations would be like? I have heard anecdotal stories of guys losing 80% of their incomes.
Details: I work, she doesn't, and hasn't for some years. I earn $110,000. We have 4 kids, all under 9 years old. Few assets except a mortgaged home and some compulsory superannuation. I would hope to share custody of the kids (and have a situation where that could be achievable).
To head off the off-topic advice, I am looking into counselling, we don't usually have such bitter fights, there has been no infidelity or violence, I am committed to my kids (and my marriage).
I would just like some realistic info on what divorce financial settlements look like in Australia, or if they are too variable, maybe some examples?
Note this is in the work & money category, not relationship filter.