Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with distance

Focus Interruptus

enzymatic — Fri, 24 May 2013 21:57:03 -0800

I'm in a new relationship, long distance. We skype almost daily. Often, mid-convo, I can tell his attention is on something else. Turns out he's flipping through Reddit. This makes me feel hurt, b/c he's not listening to me. When I suggest we end the convo and talk the next day, he says, "No, no! I'm done! I'm done!" Then I feel like a nagging mom, policing his behavior. What should I do? A few salient details:

1. We usually talk after work, and he has a long, exhausting commute. The poor guy is tired and often wants to go to sleep right after we talk.

2. I think I've mentioned a few times that it makes me feel bad when he's not listening to me. I don't know if I've said it so explicitly.

3. After I realize he hasn't heard the last few things I've said, I sort of shut down emotionally. It's hard for me to re-engage after I feel someone has not been listening to me.

4. Is it unreasonable to assume that when we're skyping, we're talking to *each other* and not browsing the internet while having chat windows open?

5. In general, his attention span much shorter than mine-- he's been diagnosed as ADHD as a kid and medicated throughout this adolescence.

6. I'm really not interested in policing someone else's behavior, or constantly asking someone to not do something that hurts my feelings. It's exhausting.

Any input much appreciated. Thanks.

How can we move from awkward phone conversations to real dates?

lilacp — Thu, 23 May 2013 21:21:14 -0800

I met a guy online and I'm interested in him. The feeling seems to be mutual, but I feel like we're stuck in an awkwardly unclear moment that leaves at least one of us (me) in limbo. How can we crawl out of this limbo and progress to something meaningful? We've chatted and had two phone conversations. The chat was pretty lengthy and flowed. The calls have both been after 10pm, were kinda awkward, and ended about 15 minutes later when the awkwardness became too much and he mentioned being drowsy.

He doesn't seem to be too talkative. He has at least mentioned that he would like to meet, but we haven't talked about how to do that. Randomish fact: We live a little far from each other but it's a reasonable driving distance and I'm willing to relocate.

Today's conversation left me confused. What is this guy thinking? What do I do from here; should I text? Call him? How do we not make it awkward? I'm pretty talkative but it's been weird with him for some reason. Is he just nervous? Now, I understand perfectly that none of you live in his head, but I don't want to waste his or my time, so... what to do to either wrap this up or get to meeting? Memorial Day is coming up, and he mentioned having no plans... I know it's 2013, but we're from the same part of the world and culturally, women don't initiate, that's frowned upon.

What to do in Montreal?

GlassHeart — Sun, 12 May 2013 23:36:32 -0800

I'll be in Montreal and Longueuil, Quebec, Canada for two weeks. What budget-friendly things should I do there? In a few days I'll be heading off, by train, to Montreal and Longueuil, Quebec, Canada and am not sure what, other than chill with my family, to do there.

I want to avoid doing costly activities and don't plan on spending more than $1000 CAD (I'll likely be spending much less than that).

I'll be spending most of my time in Longueuil, but should also be spending much time in Montreal.

Though I can speak French, I'm not fluent in it. But that shouldn't be much of a problem since I'll be with bilingual family members of mine who can act as translators for me when in very French places (supposedly most of Longueuil is very French) which means I can go pretty much anywhere without worrying much about language barriers. So please don't limit yourself to recommending very English places.

Questions regarding Montreal and Longueuil:

What are some good liquor stores there that sell beers such as Hoegaarden, Duvel and Holsten Festbock? Is Holsten Festbock, a great, cheap German beer (IMO; many beer connoisseurs would scoff at me for saying so), easily found in Montreal?

What are some good vegan restaurants there (I'm not vegan, but my partner, who'll be there with me, is)?

What are some interesting Quebec-exclusive products I should buy there?

What are some must-eat-at, budget-friendly, non-vegan restaurants there (anyone here been to Restaurant Lou Nissart? It's one restaurant I'm considering dining at)?

What are some must-see things there (I hope to snap lots of interesting photos there)?

What are some places that sell high-end colognes like Zino Davidoff or Rochas Man (I want to smell good while there)?

Questions regarding trains:

Do you handle your checked baggage yourself, or does someone else do it for you?

I'll be transferring trains on the way to and on the way back from Montreal . . . do you have to do much walking when transferring trains?

What's it like taking a train across Canada (the train ride will be extremely long and I don't really know what to expect on it. This is the first time I'll be traveling alone and am scared I'll lose my baggage—something which would be a huge bummer)?

Where exactly on the train does your checked baggage go?

Would it be stupid of me to bring expensive (closed) semi-portable headphones with me on the train (I've cheap, high-quality "beater" headphones that I could bring with me. But they're open, leak a ton of sound and I'm quite certain they'd annoy people on the train which would prevent me from getting use out of them)? Would there be much risk of them breaking on the train ride? I fear I'll be bored out of my mind if I don't bring headphones with me . . .

My girlfriend was raped - how to help from another country?

Anonymous — Sun, 05 May 2013 08:26:12 -0800

My girlfriend was raped by a former coworker and friend. How would you recommend I offer support? About 2 months ago, my long-distance girlfriend was invited back to the house of a former coworker and close friend, only to be raped. The rape crisis centre she called were not too interested according to her, since the rapist was known to her. She is adamant that she cannot tell her parents, as they would use their influence to have the man killed.

The doctor she consulted after the assault gave her some kind of anti-depressants, which she stopped taking after about 2 weeks because she couldn't bear to be sleeping as much as she was. She is hunting for a job after completing a postgraduate degree abroad, and they are equating her excessive sleeping and lack of focus as simple laziness.

I visited her 2 weeks after the assault and found that the hardest thing for her to deal with was the inability to talk to people about what happened, especially her parents. I live in another country, which is a 5 hour flight away. I've tried as much as I can to support her through texts. She has limited access to wifi so cannot skype regularly, and I find this is the biggest barrier for me to actually supporting her.

What options would you recommend? Visiting her again before the end of the year is not possible, and, she is unable to visit me because of her job search. Beyond texting and skyping when possible, what can I do to help her?

Throwaway email: dly2mly2feuln18@jetable.org

What do I do with these very, very strong feelings?

My Famous Mistake — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 22:21:03 -0800

I just had a weekend (non-adulterous) affair with someone who lives halfway across the country. It went well, incredibly well, so well, and now she has gone back home and I am experiencing a massive onslaught of feelings and I am not sure how to proceed and maintain my sanity. Details inside. This is someone I knew a long time ago and last week reconnected with through facebook. She happened to be visiting my town over the weekend and we agreed to meet. We are both in the 30 years old area.

After the break up of a 7 year relationship three years ago I got put on a hard, depressed road. I have always had very strong anxiety and I repressed a lot of fear (not abuse-related) as a child, and being without a partner left me exposed to those elements in an occasionally terrifying way. Since then I have turned up my collar and slogged for the last three years, and read about my anxiety, and worked on myself, with lots of meds and therapy and self-reflection and I am finally starting to see how I might make a life for myself. I still have a long way to go but I am starting to learn how to get what I want and how to have a real social group.

And that progress is what allowed me to be as open and free and sincere with this woman, R., these last few days. We found a common space almost instanty, after being at a bar for 6 hours we were shocked to find out it was closing time and we had been there that long. And it just blossomed from there, in the little time we had.

This was a huge deal for me for many reasons. One big one is that my sexual confidence had all fallen away, and this woman made me feel sexy and like I belonged there and like I was wanted. I had also just generally forgotten that I deserve love. But her openness and kindness destroyed those bitter lies that I had been telling myself.

I have no idea what to think about the possibility of a long distance relationship, and I certainly don't know what she thinks about that. But I DO feel quite sure that what we felt was stronger than just sex, and that if we did live in the same place we would without question continue to see each other.

So, my problem now is that being exposed to such an incredible feeling has left me frightfully aware of how lonely I've been for so long. She opened some doors in me and some of my old grief, from all the fear I've repressed all my life, is coming out and I feel really intensely that I don't want to go back to being alone.

The feeling is very strong, and it is a little scary, but I think I'm handling it. So my question: Where do I put these feelings? I want to try and maintain a connection with her, whatever it may be, but I don't want to dump my baggage on her, and I don't want to frighten her with the intensity of my feelings. They feel very heavy and potent in my chest and I feel really extra scared to be alone right now.

How do I deal with this painful sadness of being suddenly alone again in a safe and healthy way? Is there some way I can refocus on all the incredible positive feelings I just experienced? Have you been in a situation like this?

In therapy, on meds, called my therapist to try and schedule and early appointment, called my mom instead of panicking---I'm trying really hard to do this stuff right but man this is intense.

How to get to the same place in a medium distance relationship?

meb123 — Wed, 17 Apr 2013 22:32:14 -0800

I live in a major east coast city and my boyfriend of almost two years lives in a much smaller city 2.5 hours away in another state. We are both in our late 20s. We see each other almost every weekend - he has a car, and I take the bus. We have lived like this for the entirety of our relationship. Our relationship is great and we're very happy together - we agree we want to live together, get married and have kids. We've known this from pretty early on in the relationship, but have always struggled with figuring out how to close the distance gap. At the New Year, we agreed that by the end of this year we would have figured out how to be in the same place if we were not there already, but the same arguments are flaring back up. I have a great job which I love. I don't see myself in this city forever, but the places that I could move to and keep progressing in my career are limited to more urban areas. I don't feel that will be the case forever, but right now I'm in an important growing phase of my career and feel it's important that I take advantage of the opportunities and growth that come with big cities, especially since I've worked so hard to get where I am now.

My boyfriend has grown to hate his job/industry. Almost all of his work experience is in said industry, so getting a job in a new area is difficult and he feels that his options are extremely limited. Living in his town is not an option for me, personally or professionally. We had recently decided that grad school was the best option for him (the field he wants to go into is one of the few where jobs are growing and graduate is employment is very high), so I made a list of areas of the country I felt like I could get a good job in, and from there we made a list of schools. The plan was for him to enroll in Spring 2014 and for us to move to the same place.

About a week ago, one of his friends offered him a job at his company. He was super excited (and I was very happy for him) to have an out from his current job which has long hours and some weekend work for a less stressful job that would allow him to focus on getting into grad school. But this has quickly turned into 'maybe this job will let me build a career in this company and then I won't have to go back to school'. That would likely mean 2+ years where he is now - a year+ longer than we had planned. My boyfriend says that's not what he would want and of course he would try and transfer to be in my city, but that in the long run he feels like it would leave him in a better position and in turn is good for our relationship. He said he would do the weekends only thing for 15 years if it meant being together for the rest of our lives.

I look at it very differently. I am frustrated we are not in the same place already, it's been the cause of arguments and stress in our relationship many times prior to agreeing on this end date. I don't doubt my boyfriends intentions - truly - but I feel like there will always be some more ideal option, and that at the end of the day if we want to be together we need to make that happen, not expect everything to magically align. His view is that it's easier for me to say that since I'm happy and successful in my job, that he feels like a failure and wants to do the right thing for us in the long term and couldn't get this job where I live now. He then gets upset that I wouldn't move to where he is for two years and says it's unfair for me to get upset if I'm not willing to do anything. My response is that I'm very willing to do a lot of things, including moving across the country with him, but I'm not willing to move to where he lives (something I've said from the beginning of our relationship) and I'm not willing to do distance for another 2 years.

I completely empathize with his position, but feel strongly about my needs. I want to be supportive, but I'm finding it impossible to be supportive of a situation that I can't imagine working for our relationship. Then he gets defensive and just says he will stick to the plan and look for schools, but he doesn't think he should have to let this opportunity go by.

We're at an impasse, and I need some advice on what to do, even if it's that I'm wrong and selfish and should move! I don't want to break up with my boyfriend and I don't want to be in a relationship where I'm resented, but I'm beginning to think that those are my only two options. :(

Why did my friend downgrade me?

Anonymous — Wed, 13 Mar 2013 14:57:33 -0800

Friendship-filter: why did my friend declare that I'm not one of his best friends anymore? I left my hometown more than ten years ago. I go visit roughly every year and spend a month or two. One of my best friends, Pete, lives there and it's always fantastic to see him and catch up. We know each other for close to two decades.

In my recent visit, Pete said, not one but three times in three different occasions, that I wasn't one of his best friends. I was a friend, but not one of his best friends. Now, I understand that I'm not there when he needs a friend in person because I live ten of thousands of miles away, but we used to be best friends, we were really really close. I love him deeply and I often think of him. We both suck at keeping in touch via email or phone. But in the past, every time we saw each other, it was as if we had seen each other the day before.

As a note, this is generally a thoughtful, smart, sweet, mature guy.

My question is: why would someone say something like this?

Bonus question: how should I react (besides feeling hurt and puzzled)?

throwaway email: ay@capybara.dudmail.com

Can you help me, I'm loved up over someone Down Under?

Callicvol — Wed, 06 Feb 2013 04:47:15 -0800

How to bring a Melbourne woman a little romance from half a world away? I live in the UK, my SO lives in Melbourne. Unfortunately we won't be together again until July. Suggestions for something I can do from ten thousand miles away to bring a little romance into her life come February 14th? Any Melbourne shops, businesses, experiences, clever ideas that might be a little bit special and arrangeable from here? Many thanks.

Finding out where a cell call is coming from

youdontmakefriendswithsalad — Tue, 05 Feb 2013 14:25:07 -0800

I have been getting annoying and possilby disturbing calls from an old friend. I looked up the number and it's registered as a cell phone with an out of state area code. However, since it is a cell, the person could still be placing those calls from the local area. I called my phone provider and unsuprisingly, they couldn't help. Is there another way to find out the physical location of the caller?

when to hang on, when to bail

frequently — Tue, 29 Jan 2013 16:35:01 -0800

when to hang on, and when to bail, when there is a lot of love, but also coldness Looking for some external advice about my relationship

it#s been a pretty intense ride,

to start from the beginning

we met 7 days before i was to leave the country for 8 months, we both fell head over heels in love, it was blissful, spiritual, incredible, i've been in love before but nothing like this,

i couldnt not leave, that would have burnt all of my career bridges, so i decided to pay for her ticket to come and stay with me,

we spent nearly 3 months apart, on skype every day, talking, checking in, it was hard but also really nice

she arrived, i had a lot of work but we spent another blissful three months together, there were some problems but nothing insurmountable, she suffers from alcoholism and high levels of anxiety, i suffer from depression, despite it being hard we manage pretty well to be understanding of each others struggle through this and supportive of both of our struggles to better understand and even hopefully recover from our conditions, or at least find good ways to deal with them

she had to go back to our home country, she became very distant, was hard to talk to, it didnt help that her house didnt have internet so speaking was very expensive, i got pretty upset about her distance but she wasnt willing to talk about it, insisting everything was ok, patiently waiting for me to come back,

i returned to our home country with the intention to stay, i had a few work opportunities but somehow they all fell through, i had a back up plan of studying and was rejected from my course of study, my close friends here had all gone off oversea's as well to live, so i was pretty lonely without having any support network,

she was still very distant, i became jealous and anxious, she broke up with me, i was heart broken, depressed, im not normally a jealous person

she started seeing someone new,

then the shit hit the fan, she was pregnant, had an abortion, her boyfriend at the time wanted to marry her, start a family, the child was mine.

she broke it off with him and said that she missed me, wants to be with me, we had a few good weeks but now she is distant again, i understand she has gone something incredibly painful, but im also in need of reassurance,

i am very supportive and thoughtful and independent, but she says no she is still unsure if our relationship is a good idea, but she says she loves me, and i absolutely love her, but this situation is not good for me,

we both have support from psychiatrists and psychologists and so on,

i just dont know what to do, i know her distance is her own way of going through this tough time, but its a tough time for me too and i need closeness but she cant offer that, and im not sure if i should wait it out, if i did i know it would be worth it, but its hard to know what to do when someone is like 'i love you' then super distant...

i know most people would just say 'bail' but im not sure i can do that, i spent three years waiting for that teenage feeling, and when it came it was so good, but now who knows...

Possible long distance relationship with military man....advice

love2much — Tue, 29 Jan 2013 12:33:19 -0800

Hoping for advice, encouragement, discouragement, honesty, etc. I just ended a marriage (shy of one year) last year and am newly single as of four months, I was in a 6 year relationship which ended because I realized my ex was not faithful and continued to question our marriage. Being able to step back and analyze the marriage I am now able to see it wasn't what I thought it was ever. I am happier than I have ever been, in therapy still and re-building my life. I have been on a couple dates and have been keeping myself busy with sports, social events and getting out there with friends to meet people. A chance encounter a month ago with a stranger which has led to the possiblity of a long distance relationship is why I have come here for advice.

We had an instant connection, if I could write down everything I would want in someone he would be it. I know, nobody is perfect and I have only known him for a month, so there are flaws I am sure of it. Here is the problem, he has visited me once two weekends ago, and stayed extra after I met him in December- he is military and will be stationed 4.5 hours from me for 3 years. (I am 29, he is 34). Everything about our goals, aspirations, dreams, likes, wants, etc. mesh well, we feel like we have known eachother for years, talk every day, he is an amazing person and makes me feel like a princess- someone I know was put in my life for a reason. He is someone I would wait for. My question is, is this do-able? Will we fall out of love because of distance and then I have wasted more of my life... we are still new so we both want to see as much of each other as we can to get to know each other better, and we have talked about being faithful to one another while we are doing this, and have agreed to try to see one another every 2 weeks or close to it. If we continue on this path for a few months and feel closer than we do now, is this a bad idea to go from divorce to an LDR if you are sure this is the person for you? Anyones thoughts/experience. As backround, we have talked about the possiblity of a future, I know he is ready to settle and be committed with one woman, he is so open and honest with his feelings and how strong they are for me and his hope that we can continue to get to know each other.

My internal dilema is, how can I pass up someone that may be the one- but then I ask, do I need to be with someone who is physically near me at this moment. I am a very strong and independent woman and have called the distance (at the moment) a blessing because it has given us the opportunity to really talk and get to know one another, set boundries, talk about our feelings, and for me to continue to learn about myself on my own. I know I would be strong enough to handle a military relationship (ps- he retires in 3 years and will not be re-inlisting and there is always the chacne of deployment in those 3 years). Thanks for reading everyone.

Perception Problems

Angel of Khaos — Wed, 09 Jan 2013 20:36:40 -0800

How can I improve my perception of distance and time? I have problems estimating time and length. I can't estimate time accurately (e.g. the time it takes to do something) because I am always experiencing different "speeds" at which I am perceiving time, and I have problems with depth perception and can't accurately gauge distance or length. Though this isn't a real problem for me, I would like to be able to accurately guess time and distance.

I also would like know if this is just a common thing amongst people. Google has failed me either due to the lack of content or my terrible searching skills, and I'm now requesting help from the hivemind.

Thank you in advance.

What Do You Give New Parents?

Anonymous — Mon, 24 Dec 2012 11:43:38 -0800

Parents of Metafilter: What the best gift you can give new parents? Everyone has suggestions for the baby but what about the parents? What are the things you wished you had/realized you couldn't live without when dealing with your first kid? How could someone have made your life easier despite being on the other side of the planet? Young professional couple, interested in doing swanky cultural things and fine dining. Areligious and left-leaning if that matters. In the US, I am not. Sadly I can't just give them the name of a great babysitter which I imagine is the actual answer.

I like him a lot, but I don't feel like I have much to give in a relationship. He wants to wait, I have PTSD and I'm not so sure.

proximacentauri — Sat, 22 Dec 2012 15:22:14 -0800

I like him a lot, but I have PTSD don't feel like I have much to give in a relationship. He wants to wait, but I'm not so sure.
So I have been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder in early july and I met this great guy little less than two weeks after that. It was a random encounter over the internet. We have been talking almost everyday since, but I don't feel ready to meet him at all. My plan was if we are still talking after a year, then we could meet. that's what I'm comfortable with.

The relationship has gone from fun and carefree to more serious lately. We both admitted to having feelings last month and its clear that this relationship has romantic potential. I like him, we relate to each other well, share values and laugh a lot. He's quite dreamy actually. But hes so much more open about himself and he talks much more about things than I do. I'm distant and it happened before that I made myself unavailable on purpose for a few days (kind of a lame move I know). He picked up on something being off, and he said he wanted to be there for me. I told him I liked him a lot and that I didn't intend to break things off but that I needed space and wanted to try a short break. He had an emotional reaction, I could see he was tearing up a little and that caught me off guard. I understand that caused a lot of uncertainty and came out of nowhere for him. Of course though he respected it and we took little more than a week apart.

He's understanding and he knows about where I am right now. I explained about my disorder when I couldn't go with "fake it till you make it" which was my choice of behavior at first when I though it wouldn't last. Let's be real, long distance we-met-on-the-internet stories don't have the highest odds of success.

Since we never met in person and live in different countries (I'm canadian, he's british) I want to keep things friendly and ease up on the emotion side of things, maybe focus on really getting to know the person more than making thinks fluffy and romantic. He dosen't seem to share those views. Also I don't mind being exclusive to him, but I mind the official label, so we discussed it and came to an understanding. He needs/wants me to open up and, well, I feel a bit smothered. He does caring things like phone on a regular basis, sent a christmas gift (so did I) he sent flowers on my birthday and once "just because". Its a really nice gesture :) He mentioned me to his friends and close family, I did too, but they are very protective of me and disapprove the whole thing. Which dosen't help the relationship at all.

Don't get me wrong though, it's still awesome and I feel really lucky, I've never had a guy pursue me like that before and I think he's great. the thing is, I don't know how to react, I'm extremely ambivalent towards relationships, I take a long time to get to know people, I really don't open up easily. I don't enjoy talking about myself really. I've had issues in relationships for that before; me being too laid-back, bit distant, even not jealous enough I've heard. I like things to be low drama. I may have intimacy issues. I've been through abuse before so I guess that has something to do with it all. I plan on going to therapy over the next months for the whole ptsd thing. We talked about this, he says he wants to wait for me to be ready. But me being ready wont magically mean it will all work out.

Basically I'm glad we're apart, he's not. I feel it's going a bit fast, he feels the opposite. So whats the deal? I worry about his feelings and I want to make it obvious that I do care and want him to feel special. But I already feel like I'm pushing my limits on opening up and being there.
Is this a recipe for disaster or making it up to him until I feel ready is worth a try?

Family vs. Career

Anonymous — Tue, 18 Dec 2012 13:47:27 -0800

Is it more important to be near family or to follow career developments? Snowflakey existential question that needs review. I am a 25 year old female - I've worked at my current job in my hometown for 2 years. Before that, I worked in two other major cities on the other coast of the US for one year each. Generally, I have a habit of moving around a lot.

I'm pretty dissatisfied with my current job, but there aren't many opportunities in my current town. I live about 20 minutes from my family, which makes living here a pleasant experience. I can definitely see myself putting down roots here, eventually.

However, I have a job opportunity that will take me across the country again. I'm having a hard time reconciling whether to accept the offer.

Although I love being close to my family, the thought of a stagnant career that I'm unhappy with is depressing, and there aren't many other opportunities where I'm currently located.

Can anyone relate stories of going through something similar? What tipped the scale for you one way or the other? I'm struggling with direction.

Can you really be addicted to a certain kind of sadness?

entropy33 — Sun, 04 Nov 2012 07:39:44 -0800

Can you really be addicted to a certain kind of sadness? Ugh...I hate that song. My boyfriend has serious intimacy issues but is trying to work on them. I feel intermittently insecure/frustrated/sad/angry and I don't know how much longer I can take it... Backstory: dated a guy from college through my mid-twenties. Great guy, though lots of trouble early on - first real relationship for both of us. Moved together to attend grad school but he was incredibly depressed and had been for years and we'd started drifting apart, not being physically intimate, etc. I broke up with him, had a rebound, which I'm not proud of as the guy was a really good guy and I hurt him a lot. Then I met someone I fell totally and completely in love with. He had...a lot of problems, though. Untreated bipolar, manipulative, not very nice to the point where he was certainly emotionally abusive. We lasted 2.5 years, much of it long distance and it really killed my self-esteem. He finally broke up with me (just as I was defending my dissertation proposal and moving to a new city to do my dissertation research, so that was rough) but we stayed in touch off and on for another 9 months because he wanted to be friends and I couldn't let go.

Then I finally decided I couldn't handle it anymore and went no contact for real. I didn't tell him, I just did it. Since the breakup I'd dated a little, but nothing could stick. Right before I finally ended contact, I started hanging out with this guy I liked quite a bit. He was fun and funny and personable but he had this air of sadness and, imo, hidden depths. Turns out he'd been recently dumped by a women who'd strung him a long for over a year, including periods of actually being together. I know this woman and she's actually pretty cool...just emotionally unavailable. So the guy and I started hanging out, having deep, emotional conversations about our pasts and our issues. Admittedly, mostly we talked about him.

Eventually we hooked up and it was pretty good. Then he went cold and distant. For a month. Then we hooked up again and the deep conversations ramped up and we started doing really fun things together. It's been on and off for a year now, even though we currently live in different cities. And it's been pretty bad. He's a borderline alcoholic, clinically depressed (though treating it), hates his job and his life though actually his life is really pretty good. He makes a lot of money, he's in good shape, he has great friends though he keeps them at a distance and has a tendency to lash out at the closest ones whenever he's drunk. I've been the recipient of the worst of the lashing out. He's gotten black-out drunk and called me names, he's lied to me and lied to his friends about me and probably worst of all, we had somewhat unprotected sex for many months before he told me he had herpes (I didn't get it, though that doesn't really make it any better).

All along he's said he's not ready for a relationship, he can't handle a relationship, he's not sure he loves me, as he's never been able to love anyone, he's not yet over his divorce of 7 years ago, he has abandonment issues because he's adopted, etc. Listen to people when they tell you who they are/what they want. I know. Of course, whenever I'd back off, he'd chase me, hard, sucking me back in with some weird combination of his pain and misery and ability to make me laugh.

He has strung me along, no question. He wants me and loves being with me but he's so messed up (he says) and isn't sure he'll ever be capable of a real relationship. Yet things have gotten much better recently. He's much more open about the fact that we're seeing each other (he used to hide a lot of our interactions from his friends), he always responds to texts/emails/chats/calls (though he still doesn't initiate all that much), he's generous and sweet when I visit him, and, most importantly, I think, he says he really wants to work on his intimacy and communication issues. He says it. But I'm not sure he's really doing it. It's still excruciatingly hard to have any conversation that touches on emotions with him. He just gets defensive and withdraws.

He depends on me very much for emotional support and I depend on him for...I don't know. I don't know what I get out of this or why I've stuck with it for so long. He's funny and can be sweet and he's good in bed and a great cook. He obviously does care about me when he's not being incredibly selfish and self-centered. He tells me I'm one of the smartest, most interesting people he's ever met, which has been really nice to hear, given the way my emotionally abusive ex would constantly put me down (he was a a professor, I'm still a lowly phd student...but mostly he was just an unkind, unhappy person). But current ex is not intellectually curious, he refuses to ever initiate plans (though he'll latch onto other people's), he's lived in one place his whole life, has never gone on a trip alone, he says he wants to do more than exercise and get drunk most nights with his friends...but he doesn't.

So what's my problem? Why is it so hard to let go of an alcoholic 38-year old who's caused me so much pain? Am I just emotionally unavailable myself? My 3 most significant relationships have all been with people with serious problems being emotionally open and generally a tendency towards serious depression, which should perhaps tell me something. But I love him, I really do. Maybe I'm addicted to the intermittent positive responses or to the signs of progress, tiny and incremental as they are. I don't know. All I do know is that I'm really frustrated with him and with myself and I need to do something about it.

Thank you.

Do I miss my boyfriend or not?

Anonymous — Sat, 27 Oct 2012 14:12:31 -0800

So my boyfriend went away for a week for work. I thought I'd miss him like crazy, but I kinda don't? Is this normal?? We've been together a little over a year now. It really has been the best year of my life and I know he would say the same thing. He told me after one week that he loved me (I know! Fast!), and we really have barely been apart since then. We've talked seriously about marriage, too. I have no doubt that he is the one for me, except....he had to go away on business this week. Because of the distance traveled and work logistics, we haven't really had a chance to talk. This is our first real separation in a year. Thing is, I don't really miss him. I mean, I can't wait until he comes home, but the quiet time has been nice. Is this normal? Or is my subconscious trying to tell me some deep, dark thing I didn't know?? It might seem silly, but I'm seriously confused about why I don't miss him more.

How to resolve rational/emotional conflict over temporary LDR?

supernaturelle — Wed, 12 Sep 2012 18:50:23 -0800

My serious partner and I are not going to see each other for about two months, and its causing intense depression for me. Is this period of long distance in my serious relationship an opportunity to work on improving myself and fixing the mental health issues it triggers? Or is the difficulty I'm having a sign that I'm not cut out for this kind of relationship? Help me think this through and make the right decisions! Here are the details:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years. I am in my mid-twenties, he is in his early thirties. We are both musicians and both have moved about once a year for most of our adult life. Our lifestyle is alternative enough that marriage and having a family are not active concerns for us at all.

We've lived together for about a year and a half of our relationship. During this time, we've had our struggles and most of them were because of cohabitation: we both do creative work for most of the day, everyday and neither of us work regular jobs, so living together meant that we were literally in each other's presence all day, everyday. We get along extremely well, but this close proximity started eating away at our individual pursuits, especially in the form of our large-scale creative projects. We both started feeling very restless and depressed, confused about how we could be so in love and be so compatible but still feel a constant undercurrent of resentment that would manifest in bad moods and occasional fights. Luckily, we've figured all of this out and are consciously making sure that we both get the space we need to do the things we need to do.

Boyfriend has about 3 full-length records waiting to be produced that he's kept on the back burner since we started dating that he is now turning his attention towards. He has found an absolutely perfect living situation that is cheap, flexible and also involves access to recording/production resources that he otherwise would not have. I have taken a job for the fall semester that I have always wanted and am enjoying it immensely. It pays well, but it is only part-time so I have a lot of free time still. I also have a recording project that I've been putting off for about a year that I'd like to complete. Our individual living situations for the next 3 months place us about 12 hours of driving apart. After the semester is over, we have plans to live in the same city again and maybe live together if all of his work is complete. We'll visit each other in late October.

When I am feeling relaxed and secure, I feel good about what we are doing. I am happy that our relationship is built of respect for each other's needs and I am proud of what we are doing individually. There is some quote by Rainer Maria Rilke that suggests the ultimate goal of marriage is to become the protector of each other's solitude (sorry for butchering that quote, can't find my book at the moment). I find this sentiment to be so beautiful and inspiring that it makes me shed a tear! In other words, I like this situation. Rationally.

Here's the problem:

No amount of rational Rilke-reading can keep me from becoming a sobbing mess about 2 or 3 times a week. I am not good at being alone. I'm having deep, deep trouble with this separation and I can't think my way out of it. When I feel upset, it doesn't even come from anywhere in particular - it starts as a physical feeling in my chest and I spend the next half an hour trying *everything* to keep it away, but eventually I break down in tears for anywhere from 20 minutes to a couple hours of on and off crying. Even when I'm not acutely upset, I'm having a lot of trouble focusing. I had to drop an online class I was taking and have barely touched my music gear. I go on trips to visit friends every weekend to try to keep myself busy.

What is confusing and distressing to me is that when I am depressed and upset, I feel like I can't handle this situation for another minute. I often feel like I should bail on the relationship because I am not strong enough to endure the separation and it is distracting me from my own goals. I KNOW these are extreme negative thoughts, but the pain I'm feeling is real and the thoughts do sort of make sense on a rational level: if I'm suffering so much, I should change something I can control to make me suffer less. I don't feel particularly nervous that my boyfriend is going to leave me, I don't worry AT ALL that he going to cheat on me. There isn't anything in our relationship that I can blame this on. He texts me throughout the day and we talk on the phone every couple of days, which is fine with me.

I realize I'm anxious and depressed. I wasn't like this before my boyfriend left (he's been gone two weeks), but I have been like this on other occasions when he's gone on trips for more than 4-5 days, so its not a huge surprise. I have contacted a therapist, but it looks like I won't be able to talk to anyone for a couple of weeks. I feel like all of my energy is going towards keeping myself on an even keel. I'm dissatisfied with what I'm accomplishing right now. I feel so confused.

---Am I going to feel better, or am I a person who just can't be alone for extended periods of time? If its the latter, do I do my best to take life day by day until we get back together, or do I bail on this relationship so that I don't waste three months of my life getting nothing done?

---If things are going to get better, how do I deal with these urges to give up that I'm having now? I already rationally support this situation, but the feelings I have are so intense that I can't think my way out of them. Should I contact my G.P. and try to get a script for Xanax or something?

I want to be OK with these next three months so bad, and my rational-brain is. My rational-brain is thrilled, actually. But I'm worried about myself. I don't know how to evaluate this situation! Give me your experiences and advice.

Proposed a long-distance "meeting" trip with someone I've been interested in dating for several months. I agreed to pay for everything but now I'm feeling awkward about the entire thing. Details inside.

audio — Wed, 05 Sep 2012 12:35:52 -0800

Proposed a long-distance "meeting" trip with someone I've been interested in dating for several months. I agreed to pay for everything but now I'm feeling awkward about the entire thing. Details inside. Metafilter,

I'm at a impasse yet again in my dating life and would appreciate your opinion on the situation.

(TD;LR my "dating help history" on Metafilter - It seems that I tend to prefer boys that live long-distances from me. I've dated locally and have really "put myself out there" but never experienced any positive result from that ever.)

I met someone from New York. We've been getting to know each other for several months and things have been progressing from friends to maybe something more. A month ago I purposed the idea of meeting and I would pay for the trip - because of his current financial situation. At the time this seemed like a good idea.

Flash forward to the present day - I constantly feel overwhelmed and stressed about this and here is why.

- 20 days ago I purchased a large house. I'm renting out part of it but till I get tenants I'm paying all the bills and its cutting into a significant source of my income. So money is more tight now. I anticipated the costs associated with all this however, cheques I was expecting to come in are taking longer then normal.

- A little about his situation: he recently moved from another state for school - he found out when he got to New York that his school applications where denied (applied too late). Hes optimistic he will be accepted towards December but between that time he doesn't want to get a job as he thinks it would be pointless with this "two week trip to Canada" and his struggles with a social anxiety disorder.

- His personality has kind of gone downhill. Since he moved he's sunken into a depression state. He's only ever seems to stepped outside his house a handful of times in the past month and never has anything interesting to talk about. In addition to this hes currently living off his mom. She isn't working so they are collecting money from the state and don't really ever have anything left over financially speaking. Hes also had to stop taking his regular dose of medication (for social anxiety) for a smaller dose because of financial reasons. This has made him even more lazy and depressed.

- I have had two long distance relationships and one local one. In all of them I put forth a majority of the money in the relationship because I was always the "responsible one" that had my shit together. No one in my age bracket that I'm interested in ever seems to be at the same stage as me - or have the same drive and ambition. I always ended up feeling stress because I was always expected to "take care of things" and well - its not always easy and it kind of made me feel not valued and crummy. So I fear that's going to happen again in this situation -- although he has explicitly said if we where to "get together" he would want to contribute somehow. I still wish there was a way he could pay half.

- I saved for 4 years for a downpayment so I could buy a house I liked. Lived at my parents during that time. I find now, living by myself - incredibly lonely. It really sucks and I do think it would help me feel better if he where here. In addition to that I have been kind of depressed myself because I've been reflecting on my past relationship with my ex from the UK and how much I miss him and can't ever get "in touch" again.

Anyway, I like him. We get along well as friends and have decent sexual chemistry and similar values - I don't know if I should change my mind now about the financial part of our plan. It's all hes had to look forward to for the past month - so it will crush him to find out my hypothetical change to this plan and put him into a position that he can't manage.

TD;LR - Long distance hypothetical meet, noticed personality changes, conflictions with money. Should I still offer to pay for the trip although it will add more stress on my end and potentially start things off on the wrong foot.

(PSPS: I'm 24, he's 20. We're gay. I live in Canada. I'm posting here because I seemed to get gay bashed over on Reddit :/ and my friends / family are way too biased).

Why doesn't my boyfriend respond to my jokes and stories?

Anonymous — Wed, 29 Aug 2012 15:40:15 -0800

Sometimes I can't tell if my boyfriend likes me. I've been dating a guy for several years. He initially asked me out, and I was really happy, because I thought he was cute and neat. From there we started dating pretty regularly-- once or twice a week we'd hang out or do something fun. Eventually we started spending more regular downtime together, and we're both pretty on the level about wanting to be together. For most of our relationship, I let him make the moves, and I never felt like I was smothering him or pursuing him.

In some (most) situations we have great chemistry, but in others I have an impossible time gauging his reactions. I've always been kind of outgoing (for an introvert), but I feel like when we talk, I don't get the kind of response I would get from anyone else who liked spending time with me. Often I'll tell him something-- my thoughts about something we just did, or a story about something that happened during my day (usually one I think is funny)-- and he won't respond. At all. He doesn't say anything, or even make a noise of acknowledgement. At first I was a little mortified each time. Then I started teasing him about it a bit. Then I brought it up as an issue of vulnerability for me. But now I realize that it's still the same as ever, and I don't know if it's ever going to change. I don't feel insulted as much as I feel embarrassed, sometimes blindsided. If I put a lot of energy into the telling of my tale and he doesn't respond with anything (not even a stiff courtesy-laugh), I'm usually privately dumbfounded. I've realized lately that it can really hurt, and deeply undercuts my confidence. I feel sometimes like I'm not the same passionate/energetic person with him, because before I start to tell a story, I begin to feel anxious and preemptively embarrassed. Also, it means there can be a really inconsistent flow to the conversation... and at times I feel that while we talk about his issues in depth because I rely on probing and asking questions, he doesn't do the same (probably out of discomfort?), and so I often end up rambling if I talk about something personal, and feel like I'm not interesting to him.

Is this a thing? I realize we've been dating for awhile and we need to talk about it, but I feel like I've taken a lot of approaches-- joking, telling him seriously that I feel embarrassed, commenting when it happens (by his request)-- and nothing's stuck. Part of me wonders if he does this with everybody or just me. It seems that in groups he doesn't, but I'm also usually there to be the chatty one, so maybe it just doesn't show as much as when he's one-on-one. I find it mildly to substantially withering, depending on the day. (I know you're probably wondering how I can even deal with myself, but I'd say this kind of thing happens only 5-10%-ish of the time-- more than with any other friend I've ever had, but not enough that it derails me constantly.)

We're both more playful than romantic types, but he can be gushy and sweet and I generally feel cared about. Sometimes when I tell him about something like this he seems genuinely surprised-- I think he's overall happy and invested in our relationship, and doesn't realize that it feels unnatural to me. Still... is this a sign that he's maybe not as into me as I am into him? I'm kind of desperate, I feel like he still doesn't feel comfortable being extemporaneous with me after all this time. I'm stumped.

He's not super close to many people-- mostly his family, and he has a couple friends who he regularly talks to, but they're not take-a-bullet-for-my-bro type friends. Contrastingly, I've had a few close friends over time (though I'm not in touch with many right now). We both enjoy socializing in general, though. I feel I should also point out that we're both relatively shy and reserved, though in situations where we're comfortable we tend to get animated. I don't feel like there's a major personality mismatch. The one other relevant detail is that it happens most often when I talk about specific issues that I could see as off-putting-- such as dealing with my mental health stuff, or "internet stuff," or sometimes, women's issues. Sometimes I worry that he likes me on the surface but is put off by some of my weirder stuff, which obviously makes me feel pretty insecure. I've considered that he simply feels uncomfortable, but if my personality makes him uncomfortable I'm not sure what to do (he's never brought it up). Ask him how he feels each time? It does have the tendency to make things feel a little precarious, or to create a sense of distance when we're not together a lot, because I feel like I'm not totally safe being myself.

BEEP---BOOP---I LOVE YOU---BEEP

Scientist — Sat, 21 Jul 2012 08:35:51 -0800

What can I do to make my geographically-distant fiancee feel more emotionally close to me? So my fiancee is off on the other side of the country doing a great internship right now. We've been apart most of the summer for this, and it's putting a little emotional strain on us despite the fact that we both know it's the right thing for her to be doing. I know that she's feeling a little bit neglected and lonely out there, and I want to make it good and help her feel my love for her and feel more connected to me. What can I be doing?

I sort of have difficulty with emotional matters – it's something that she and I joke about between each other, but it's a real issue for me especially when I'm left to my own devices. Beyond calling her and telling her I love her, I'm not really sure what I ought to do. I know that there must be something I can do to bring the love... surely?

This seems like a really silly, remedial question but it's just not something that I've ever been any good at in relationships and I'd really like to get better, fast. I don't have a lot of money but surely that isn't necessary – she's not one who cares about material matters at all, what is important here is the gesture and the thought.

I have her phone number, her e-mail address, her physical address, and her facebook page to work with here. Despite how positively robotic I must seem in my words above, I do have some ideas for things I might do. I'm looking for any and all suggestions, though. I have time on my hands and I'm willing to put a little work in.

I keep having bouts of self destructive behaviour in a relationship. 23/M Best ways to stop it?

Anonymous — Fri, 18 May 2012 12:19:27 -0800

I keep having bouts of self destructive behaviour in a relationship. 23/M Best ways to stop it? I having been seeing a girl for 6-7 months, sometimes being long distance and sometimes not. Whenever we get really close something triggers me to freak out. I get scared and inevitably have a day where I just try to do things wrong subconsciously to fuck things up because I am so terrified of being that vulnerable again. I had a bit of a fucked up childhood and I'm trying my best to learn all the rules of a relationship. I seem to be able to hold it together in person but when we're this far away, it can be hard to not accidently fuck up. How can I stop these subconscious fears?

Dating dilemma - The type of people I want to date always seem to live in New York. I'm happy in my small town and don't want to move. How do I best approach this?

audio — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 13:34:40 -0800

Dating dilemma - The type of people I want to date always seem to live in New York. I'm happy in my small town and don't want to move. How do I best approach this? I am very picky when it comes to dating. Physically and personality wise.

I setup multiple OkCupid profiles in 8 major cities around the world and where I live (locally). After a few months I started to notice a trend. The guys I was interested in getting to know all seemed to come from the New York area. Probably 90% more then any other city.

I don't live in New York however, I live in a small town in Canada that I adore. I can't see myself moving unless I had met the right person and we had a long-term relationship.

Of course the majority of the people I'm interested in - once they find out that I don't live in proximity - their interest seems to vaporize. Which I can understand, most people are not interested in long distance at the start of a dating relationship.

I have New York listed on my profile currently so "my type" of guys can find me. However I don't know if this is ethical and I should make note at the top of my profile my real location or rather discuss it once I get to know someone?

If I set my location to where I live in Canada, I get hardly any messages because location-based seems to be key.

Unsure how to proceed to still get the results I want while being honest.

Help my SO and I solve this intricate PhD two-body problem.

kuju — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 19:46:08 -0800

Help my SO and I solve this intricate PhD two-body problem. Options galore! Alright. First off, apologies for the loaded question, but I really, really can use some help thinking out loud. I am a senior in college going for a Phd in Electrical Engineering in 2013. I am in at a few places, and I am trying to decide between two of these options. The locations of the grad schools are: College Park, MD and Ithaca, NY. I have fellowships at both of these schools, so that is not a deciding factor.

Now, here's the complication. I have been dating my boyfriend for the past 3.5 years, and I am very happy. He's awesome, and I really see us marrying one day (we have talked about it). He's even becoming pretty competent at my native language (I am not from the US). My main worry is that he will be working in NYC for at least a year, living in probably Hoboken, NJ (or around the area). He's willing to move out to where I am going to grad school at, but obviously he'd have to get a new job. This is where the problem starts. My top choice currently (I haven't visited the school in College Park yet) is the school in Ithaca. Honestly, I am worried if we will be able to make our relationship work. It would be about a 4 hour drive, and we would be seeing each other either every weekend, or every other weekend. Since we have been practically living together for the past 3.5 years, this has hit us both pretty hard. The problem with Ithaca is that he wouldn't really be able to get a job there (he's a Mechanical Eng. Econ double major), so we'd be "long distance" for 4-5 years (however long it takes me to finish a PhD). If I were to move to College Park instead, he could move there with me in about a year.

So given this background info, my question is twofold:
1. During all my visits the grad students that I have been talking to have been telling me how it's a bad idea not to go to your top choice because of a relationship. They say while the relationship is not guaranteed, the school is and one should not sacrifice one's career for relationships. I feel as if I am willing to make to sacrifice (and go to the school in College Park), but everybody keeps telling me how bad of an idea it is. Keep in mind I have not visited yet, so I don't really know how good of a fit it is. This school however, it less "awesome" compared to the school in Ithaca. Is it as bad as they make it out to be? Would I be a stupid person if I choose a slightly worse fit to keep my relationship?

2. The Ithaca schools offers many benefits. It's superb in the field, it has an amazing Hotel Management/Food Science program (a true dream of mine, I can minor in it because there are no course requirements), I can see myself working with 4-5 professors. It is however, in a tiny, tiny town. Do you think the 4 hour drive 3-4 times a month is doable? (I would be on a 38K fellowship on top of tuition coverage, and he would be making a pretty decent amount too - this figure is to account for driving costs.) Is this realistic? Will it result in a burn-out in the future? Am I insane in thinking that 5 years like this will kill us?

Please help me. My friends are not really giving me much hope either way. I really want to make this work.

Oceans never listen to us anyways.

flawsekno — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 00:06:34 -0800

My SO and I are going to be on different sides of the Atlantic from March to September. Should we break up? We're both 20-year-old college juniors. We've been dating for the last 7 months, and have been good to best friends for the last two years. I'm going to be studying abroad in the Middle East (!) during the spring, and my SO's going to be interning in Africa (!) during the summer, which means that we'll see each other once, for about a week in June, between March and September. Do we break up (with the possibility of reconciliation once we're in the same place again), or stay together and try to do long-distance?

Generally, I don't like long-distance relationships. My experience with long-distance relationships, both romantic and platonic, has been they feel like they've been kept in stasis; even the longest emails or phone calls weren't worth a hour spent merely living together. I've valued the correspondences I've had, but ultimately the changes in my relationships have all happened in person. Specifically to this situation, both of us are so young, and we're going to be in entirely new exciting places, with new exciting experiences, and I want to be totally open to them--I don't want to spend a ton of time wishing I was somewhere else, or feel like I'm beholden to someone back home. And I worry that my SO and I don't have a good enough foundation to last transatlantic: while our friendship runs deep, our relationship has moved slowly, which has been good! and what I want! but when I think of us saying "I love you" to each other for the first time over Skype or whatever, a little part of me curls up and dies. We'd be long-distance for about as long as we've been dating. I'm so scared that I won't let myself be changed by this awesome experience abroad because I'm too invested in a relationship back home, and that I'll end up unfairly blaming it on my SO. Obviously that would kill the relationship. And I'd much rather have a clean break than that.

And yet...and yet...I know that breaking up now means accepting the real possibility of never getting back together. I know that both my SO and I can and will meet many others we can love, but this is such a great relationship. I don't want it to end. My SO is truly the best person I know, and inspires me to be kinder and more thoughtful, simply by being around me. I know that I've already changed for the better because of this friendship/relationship. And of course, we're super attracted to each other and, when we see each other, are all over each other all the time. I'm completely in love; my SO hasn't said that back to me yet, but I can tell that they care for me immensely, and that it's getting close. I have no interest in dating anyone else, and I have a hard time believing that I could change so much in six months that I wouldn't want to keep on dating my SO. If we can make the distance work, surely our relationship would be all the stronger for it.

So I'm feeling really conflicted. Part of me thinks that I'm throwing away a wonderful relationship because I'm scared; the other part thinks that I'm just a dumb kid blindly setting myself up for a fall. What do you think we should do?

We've brought this up with each other, but we haven't really discussed it. Neither of us knows what to do. We've agreed to talk about it in a week. I just want to get my own head straight on what I want before then. I'm sorry that this is such a long muddle, and thanks so much for reading and answering.