Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with discipline

Messy question from a person who is a mess

Anonymous — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 13:03:54 -0800

Please help me make a decision. I am exhausted and stressed and maybe I am not thinking clearly. A friend gave me Adderall. Should I take some? Basically, I have been working very long hours (12-14 a day) without any time off (including weekends) for a couple of months. Long story short, worst semester of law school yet. I have three days before yet another exam and I am so tired and unprepared. I can't make myself do any work, and I really need to do this work.

Con side, I do not have a diagnosis, nor am i totally convinced that ADD is a "thing" or a thing that we can reliably diagnose. I am not trying to be insulting, sincerely, but I am ignorant and my ignorance makes me skeptical. Especially because I feel like it's cheating to declare that I'm not undisciplined, weak, lazy, spoiled, and so on, just "ill." Maybe some people are, but not me. I am pretty sure I'm just those things I listed.

Another con is that I don't even feel totally comfortable taking Advil... I have an irrational fear of pills. This sounds silly to me. We're taking about a 5 mg pill. I think that's the lowest available dose. But it still freaks me out.

I also fear that it either won't do anything or will be revelatory and life-changing and boom: dependency.

On the pro side, my three days to study are now 2.5 and I've made very very little progress. I also have been struggling for such a long time with what I think could fairly be characterized as a total inability to focus... part of me wonders if it really is "cheating" to take a drug that helps with that. Isn't that just a character flaw? But what if it's not? I don't know.

I think maybe this is a ridiculous question. I apologize. I'm probably just being ridiculous because I'm so tired, and so stressed, and feel so bad about how little I am able to do, and I feel like this is maybe me being tempted to do the wrong thing.

So here I am in the library surrounded by people who are sitting there doing work for minutes and hours at a time. It makes me feel inadequate and ashamed. The bottom line is I need to get my work done. I don't know what to do. I do not feel like I am thinking straight at this point. Please share your wisdom with me.

An ADD-like condition helped me screw up at work big time. How can I protect myself?

Anonymous — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 18:41:50 -0800

Serious mistakes made months ago at work have been uncovered. Facing possible discipline (even termination), I'm wondering how (or if) I should disclose mental health issues that likely contributed. I work as a consultant to a government agency. My work performance has been exemplary from the beginning, and in the 2.5 years I've had the job, I've never earned anything less than an "excellent" rating on every performance evaluation from the client. No one questions my skills or the quality of my work.

But inconsistencies in my time reporting have come to light, and in a time when corruption within government agencies is under intense scrutiny, even the appearance that one has falsified one's time-keeping could realistically be grounds for termination.

The basic problem: half the time I forgot to clock in, or out--or both--on the electronic time-clock, so my written time-sheets (which are used to bill the client) don't match my electronic ones. I am now required to address the inconsistencies and provide documentation that I was working when I said I was, going back more than six months.

While I'm confident that I worked the hours I claimed (and billed for), I'm having difficulty proving it. Because of inbox quotas, I don't have any e-mail messages prior to late July, so I can't retrace my steps that way. I do have some solid documentation, but an awful lot is left to a "best guess" scenario about when I was where, and what I was doing there. I don't dispute that I made mistakes or that I should perhaps be disciplined for them, and I realize my case doesn't look good.

Here's where it gets messy. I suffer from hypothyroidism, with attendant mental health issues: fatigue, "brain fog," difficulty focusing and maintaining concentration, difficulty with detail-oriented work, forgetfulness/absent-mindedness. The symptoms are very much like ADD, and frankly, I think it's a miracle that I've been able to perform as well as I have on the job--know one knows about my problem.

A month ago, my doctor--acting on my complaints of the above issues--decided to try an ADD medication on me. The drug has been nothing short of a revelation--I can't believe the difference in my daily work life. I haven't forgotten to clock in ONCE since I started, and my record keeping is superb. I have no trouble maintaining focus and concentration on detail-oriented assignments for long periods of time. I can read long documents without falling asleep, and don't seem to drift off when studying spreadsheets and data. I feel like I've turned my mental clock back 10 years--it's been a breathtaking change.

I now have no doubt that my previous mental state contributed to my forgetfulness and poor record-keeping at work. But I've never disclosed this information to my employer or the client, for obvious reasons.

Now that my mistakes have been revealed, I'm concerned about practical things like protecting my right to claim unemployment benefits should I be dismissed over the errors.

I'm not trying to escape discipline--I know I should have told my boss what was going on, and perhaps should have addressed the problems sooner. But I also don't think I should have my career and future ruined because of a problem that I have don't seem have anymore.

I am loathe to reveal this information to my employer on the chance that this situation does NOT lead to my dismissal. Why bring the baggage of mental health into a situation where it won't matter because the problem is solved?

But what if I am dismissed? I'm interested in suggestions on how best to protect myself, my unemployment benefits, and my future. For what it's worth, I live and work in the state of Illinois. Throwaway e-mail: hypothyroid.at.work@gmail.com

stepmom advice

cheemee — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 20:55:49 -0800

Step-parenting filter: Looking for general advice on being a new step mom. My friend (female, let's call her "S") is getting married fairly soon. The groom-to-be ("G") has a 9-year-old son ("B") from a previous marriage. I have no idea how to advise my friend, so I turn to you.

A specific ongoing issue is discipline. S is afraid to discipline B because she's not quite sure it's her place to do so. She feels B is disrespectful (to her and to others, including G), and that G is too lenient with him.

B also spends pretty much all his time on the computer or on video games, to the point where B wakes up yelling in his dreams because someone has taken his video games. S is trying to get G to teach his son to spend his time on other things. But G is also worried about B hating him.

So I guess I am looking for advice about disciplining as a step mom. Where does her authority with him begin and end? I realize that they will have to decide that themselves. But I guess I'm looking for guidelines?

Any other advice you may have for a new step mom also welcome, not necessarily just discipline advice.

Thanks!!!

Suggestiong for Toddler Wrangling Book?

taff — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 15:59:13 -0800

Desperate friend has turned to me for book suggestions on her three year old. Ideally available in Australia, but Amazon is always possible. What are your killer books for nailing the second really difficult time in a parent's life.... the 2-3year old? For some context... what she just wrote to me:

"You read so much, what is your recommendation for a field book on a) understanding the psychology of a 3 year old b) dealing with it and c) on Mummy management - talk about pushing boundaries - I didn't realise I had so much pent up anger - it kind of scares me. Need help.
Ta muchly,"

She's a loving and patient mum, and her ratbag 3 year old is actually a lovely kid.... with completely normal 3 year old behaviours. ToddlerTaff is turning 3 in a few weeks so I'm excited to hear any suggestions too.

We both have younger kids and protecting them from their older siblings is hard. And doing the one on one thing is also a challenge.

Looking forward to some good handling manuals for our toddlercrats. Thanks possums.

Make me a better student with lower blood pressure

Chrysalis — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 22:04:28 -0800

Help me handle/reduce assignment stress while doing uni by correspondence. I finished school 8 years ago, and am now attempting university studies by correspondence. Studying, writing essays etc is a whole new world for me, and while I am very disciplined with other areas of my life, it's been very easy to just pretend university doesn't exist when I don't feel like it. Except now, I have 3 assignments due in 4 days. This is my second round of assignments, the same thing happened with the first round, and while I promised myself I'd do things differently this time, I actually tried doing them earlier but found it really hard to "get started" - I sat in front of my computer for 5 hours last Saturday and only wrote a paragraph so I got frustrated and avoided it for the rest of the week. I know I work best under pressure and last time I ended up with really good marks, but I also don't want to spend the next 4 days feeling incredibly stressed out and horrible and procrastinating etc cos at the end of the day I know that I have to do the assignments and I can only do what I can do. I am incredibly tempted to just go out and pretend this isn't happening - instead I keep looking for anything to distract me to justify not dealing with it.

So my question is fourfold:
1) What can I do to retrain myself to have better study habits going forward?
2) What do you do when you feel mentally blocked when you're trying to write an essay?
3) How do you motivate yourself to learn when you're disinterested by the topic?
3) What do you tell yourself when you get so stressed out that you start trying to avoid the thing that's stressing you out? (which of course makes it worse) <---- this is the biggest issue for me right now

Help me help myself! (okay, now back to this essay...)

Can you help me bring a student in line?

Anonymous — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 20:37:06 -0800

How do I discipline a student that doesn't care about detention? Hi there,

I have a student who for whatever reason has very recently gotten a serious case of silliness/defiance. What concerns me is that when he is kept in for detention he finds the whole thing to be a big joke and giggles constantly. Even within detention he is defiant by getting up and walking around, etc. Clearly, he would be a candidate for a suspension or office referral, but for various reasons I'd like to avoid that route for the time being if possible. Obviously I've spoken with his parents.

I would like to reel him in mainly because normally he works pretty well, but also because he is capable of distracting the whole class. I worry that he's actually trying to see if he can get sent to the office for some reason. At the same time, it could be a physiological thing (13–14 years old) or a genuine desire to get under my skin. The last option seems very bizarre as up until this point in the year I've had a great rapport with him in class.

To be specific, I don't think that he gets the teacher – student distinction very well (almost all students when spoken to one on one have enough respect to discuss the issue if they are spoken to politely and openly – with him he just laughs right in my face).

So, any suggestions on other things I can do to get him to be respectful again? His parents have agreed to have him do extra homework, but I'm keen to know if there are other ideas. I really don't think detention is the right fit for him and besides which, I have to supervise it and if he's giggling the whole time it'll really undermine the authority. The other thing I've done is isolate him from the class and have him do his work individually for the time being.

Thanks for any suggestions!

Bad id! No biscuit.

Bardolph — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 14:51:41 -0800

Curbing impulses: what are some simple, in-the-moment tricks for interrupting reflexive behavior patterns and restoring self-control? The behaviors I've got in mind are mostly pretty minor, related to your garden-variety procrastination, mild social anxiety, and bad conversational habits. Problem is, though, that after years of self-indulgent reinforcement, I do a lot of this stuff semi-automatically-- emotional impulse leads seamlessly to problem behavior, without any self-conscious decision point in between. At the time, I may have a passing sense of "oh shit, here we go again," but it's not like there's ever a moment where I deliberately choose to duck into the bathroom instead of chatting to the passing coworker, or to click into Firefox instead of getting started on that dreaded monthly budget.

All this means that I'm at kind of a loss as to how to deal with these bad habits-- I understand and am working to address the bigger issues behind all this, but in the short term, fixing my thought patterns doesn't do much for what are, essentially, thoughtless actions. What I need are some on-the-spot ways to interrupt the knee-jerk impulse/action coupling, so I can get hold of myself, think, You know, I really don't want to do this, and with luck gain time to force myself into what I (rationally) know to be the correct behavior.

Since we're talking about automatic or sub-conscious behaviors, I'd be especially interested in possible physical/bodily interventions (for instance, a counselor friend tells anger-management clients to curb violent impulses by sticking their hand in a bucket of ice water-- anything like that, but less damp and messy?). Really, though, I'd welcome creative self-discipline suggestions of all stripes. O self-mastered Mefites, how do you do it? Teach me your secrets!

What's the best library database for finding journal articles on Internet and other digital research?

gusandrews — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 08:04:45 -0800

What's the best library database for finding journal articles on Internet and other digital research? I have a hell of a time finding articles on Internet research without resorting to some cheap and hardly-comprehensive tactics: 1) looking through other people's bibliographies, or 2) using Google Scholar. Frankly, the rest of the academic library databases out there are often so fragmented by field -- and Internet research takes place across a range of fields! -- that it's time-consuming and often fruitless to use them. Not to mention how many of them have antiquated, frustrating search algorithms (sorry, I'm just used to Google).

This question seems to have stumped the Columbia University librarians, so I'm going further afield (and hoping Jessamyn will weigh in, among others). Thanks!

How to discipline an employee?

foxinthesnow — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 19:22:01 -0800

I need to discipline an employee for extreme tardiness, but I don't know how. You see, my employee was two and a half hours late for her scheduled shift today. The day before, she told me that she may be up to a half hour late because of an appointment, and I told her that would be fine, but then she shows up two and a half hours late today, without calling.

Normally, I would just give it to her straight, and say something along the lines of "this is unacceptable behavior," but this is her first job, and she is very young, and very sensitive, and I think that in her mind, her telling me that she would be a half hour late is the same as telling me she would be two and half hours late. And I know she has never had a boss discipline her before. And I am used to working with people that have more professional experience than she does, and I know that they can handle criticism. I do not want to hurt her feelings because I do like her, and I don't want her to be frightened of me. I simply want to make sure that she understands why it is important to come to work on time without worrying that she will harbor ill feelings toward me for the rest of her tenure. Unfortunately, I am not known for being sensitive.

So, how would you gingerly tell someone that her behavior was unacceptable without making her think you are a jerk or overreacting?

I need discipline! (no, not that kind of discipline)

Anonymous — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 15:26:10 -0800

Help me re-develop personal discipline without tearing myself to pieces. I reached adulthood with all the typical cognitive screwups of someone who was once a 'gifted kid': unreasonably high standards, bad study and work habits, a tendency to procrastinate and a nagging sense that I was utterly failing to reach my potential. Yeah, me and half of Metafilter, I'm sure.

With cognitive behavioural therapy, I've worked through a lot of this. I've learned how to lower my standards to somewhere below the stratosphere, to stop punishing myself like an overbearing parent, to break up tasks into manageable chunks and to carefully manage the depression and anxiety which have haunted me through most of the past ten years. I'm a whole lot less highly-strung than I was, and I no longer have any attachment to the idea of being 'special'. I'm an ordinary adult and I just want to finish my degree and continue to progress in my career.

What I really need, though, is to learn a new method for self-discipline. CBT taught me that old way of disciplining myself was contributing to my depression.

My thought process used to go something like this:

I should do this difficult intellectual task -->
I'm reluctant to start this task because I'm afraid I be able won't do it perfectly -->
I'm a bad person for procrastinating on this task -->
I won't do anything fun until I've done this task, that'll motivate me to do it -->
I hate the world, there is no joy in my life; I never do anything fun -->
I don't deserve to do anything fun because I haven't done this difficult intellectual task -->
I'm miserable and anxious and I'm a bad person. -->
I should do this difficult intellectual task.

Rince, lather, repeat until suicidal.

So I learned not to 'beat myself up' when I fail to meet my own expectations. Some of those expectations really were unreasonable, so I'm glad I'm no longer bound by them. But I do still need self-discipline in my life; there are tasks I must do despite there being no immediate external consequence for not doing them. And although I'm no longer self-flagellating myself into depression about them, sometimes I just...don't do them. If I try to brute-force myself into doing them, that old thought process is still there, all too eager to take over and help me tear myself to pieces about it.

So, how do I develop the personal discipline to meet my own, mostly reasonable, expectations? Without 'punishing' or 'rewarding' myself in ways which remind me of that old thought process (and, to get all Freudian for a moment, of my parents).

How do I do that? How do you? Am I right in thinking it has something to do with personal integrity? Authenticity, perhaps?

Yes, I'll discuss this with my therapist. No, I'm not on meds, and that isn't going to change.

How can I get more organized and disciplined in my life?

Deathalicious — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 19:06:58 -0800

I've plenty in touch with my inner child. How can I get in touch with my inner adult? I just want to be more disciplined and do the things a grownup needs to get done. More specifically, I have a real hard time following through with things like organization, cleaning up, washing the dishes, doing the laundry.

Now, I have ADHD. I know this is definitely having an influence on my difficulties to stay on track. But even with that, I feel like I just don't have any grasp on how to have things like routine. I also feel like I need to have more self-discipline.

I'd love to hear from people on how they managed to bring order into their lives, particularly people with ADHD.

What are some ways to establish routine, and is it possible to make things like dishes, laundry, and cleaning up automatic behaviors?

Note that I'm aware that there are some posts on how to tidy things up; my real focus here is how to immerse myself in discipline.

Dietary Self-Talk

Anonymous — Sun, 14 Sep 2008 14:01:19 -0800

What's some successful self talk to help me reach my weight loss goals? I am on a doctor-recommended diet after overeating for years. When I’m stressed by life’s normal little burdens, I find it very difficult to stick to the diet. It’s almost like the rational part of my brain shuts down, and the rest of it says “Eat! Eat! Stuff yourself!”

So I’d like to counteract that with some statements that other dieters have found helpful. Not so much “a minute on the lips, forever on the hips” and more “if I eat this, it will be harder to reach my goal, so I should drink water instead.”

The diet is an excellent one, with lots of fruit and unlimited vegetables, so I don’t need recommendations in that area. Unfortunately, when I’m cranky, I aim straight for pasta or bread beyond what I’m allowed. However, I’m open to other suggestions. Remember, my problem is not about knowing what to do. I know what to do. It’s about maintaining the consistent discipline to do it, and maintaining the discipline past hungry o'clock.

"Kosher" Position in Classic Meditation that Provides Full Back Support?

WCityMike — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 20:16:47 -0800

Are there alternatives to the lotus position for classic meditation that don't leave the back unsupported? I've found that sitting in an unsupported position, or in a chair that doesn't have a seat back, ends up making my back ache rather strongly. I've thought about investigating meditation (and looking into the more classical, early practices), but have wondered if there's a "kosher" (accepted in the discipline) way of doing the more classical meditations while having your back completely supported (by lying on the ground, or doing it in a chair, or what have you).

Disciplining strangers' kids

crazy finger — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 16:47:36 -0800

What is an appropriate way to discipline strangers' kids? We live in a nice apartment complex, but recently the neighbors' kids have gotten out of control. Now that the snow is melting and they can play outside, they have turned a communal yard are into a junk-pile of bicycle parts, broken yard tools, and other assorted garbage. I was reluctant to do or say anything about this because I thought "at least they are playing outside and learning to fix bicycles."

Then this morning I was on the phone with a client when I saw one of the kids run out into the yard with a briefcase, swing around in circles 1984-Mac-commercial style, and throw the briefcase into the stream. I felt somewhat relieved that I didn't have to do anything at the moment because I was on a phone call, but now I don't know what to do to correct this behavior.

I have never had kids, I don't have siblings, I don't know how to deal with kids. Furthermore, I've seen parents flip out at strangers when strangers have tried to discipline their children.

What is appropriate for me, as a stranger, to fix this problem with the neighbor children while also preventing any sort of retaliation or un-neighborliness?

Advice for a goody two-shoes about to be disciplined

Anonymous — Sat, 22 Dec 2007 17:00:53 -0800

I just found out that I'm being written up by my HR manager. What's the best way to handle it so it's goes smoothly? BACKGROUND: I'm not going to bore you with the details about why I'm being written up. I'll just say that I made a moral stand on an issue I felt strongly about and accidentally made my boss look bad in the process. I acknowledge that I got caught up in the heat of the moment and I should have dropped it. Lesson learned.

I'm really good friends with the HR secretary. I asked her if she heard about any possible fallout from this situation and she told me she heard I'll most likely be written up when I return to work on January 2nd. According to our disciplinary policy, I should technically receive a verbal warning first. However, my boss is really whining about it so she thinks they will escalate it to a written warning so something goes in my file.

I have no problem with the write up. I understand why I'm getting it and why the HR manger has to do it (she's also a very good friend of mine). It's not that big of a deal because I'm a model employee, the top boss loves me (and thinks my boss is a jackass) and I already don't get along with my boss. In the long run, it shouldn't affect me in any way as far as my employment is concerned.

FOCUS: Upon entering the HR manager's office, how should I handle this so it is very brief and ends quickly? My current plan is to admit I was wrong and should have handled it differently (or kept my nose out of it altogether), make a brief apology to my boss, sign my write up and then ask if we're done. I will be very upbeat and positive, but not to the point where it seems like I'm mocking them. If my boss wants to get preachy I suppose I don't have a choice but to sit there and nod politely. I'm comfortable with conflict, but I would prefer it not be a long, drawn out process where I have to apologize repeatedly and kiss butt for an hour.

Any advice from someone whose been in my shoes? Also, if you're an HR manger (or boss who handles discipline directly), how would hope an employee would respond? Thanks!

Can a pregnant teen be expelled from a charter school?

kimdog — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 18:34:07 -0800

Can an 13 year old be expelled from a charter school in Chicago because she is pregnant? I am asking for a friend, and I have very little detail. If the question isn't answerable on this meager basis, and resources about the laws and regulation governing Chicago charter schools would be appreciated. As far as I know, the pregnancy is the only reason for the expulsion (no other behavioral or academic issues in play) I've found some documentation that states that charter schools can make their own "codes of conduct", but is expulsion on this basis legal, given that charter schools are publicly funded?

How do we make our TV and cat compatible?

ranglin — Thu, 11 Oct 2007 06:53:58 -0800

How do we stop the cat from jumping on top of the new plasma TV? Our female 1yr old cat loves to jump up on things and sit in high places. One of her favourite places is the top of the shower cubicle!

We also recently bought a new plasma, just to see her approach it tonight and try and jump on top of it! We are concerned she will scratch the screen or knock it over. We've never had much success stopping her jumping on top of things.

How do we make our TV and cat compatible?

Crowd Control to prevent "Mob Rule"

Alabaster — Fri, 21 Sep 2007 03:10:42 -0800

Crowd control techniques for hundreds of unruly people (teenagers in this case)? More inside... Looking for tried-and-true techniques for keeping a cafeteria full of unruly high schoolers in (reasonable) order. Not all BAD kids, but kids who generally weren't raised to have much respect for authority and have no qualms about flipping off a cop, let alone a teacher.

Fights and food fights break out fairly often (or almost break out--we can usually quell it in time but this is not always possible). Enforcing discipline (detentions, etc.) is difficult because we don't know all of their names and don't always have time call in someone who does. It's a typical overcrowded school and a kid can easily "disappear" into the crowd before you can identify him.

My classroom management techniques are pretty strong, but it's different when there are hundreds of them and you don't know most of their names (yet. I'm working on it).

Any suggestions from people (teachers, law enforcement, military, cult leaders, people familiar with crowd psychology, whatever) who have tried-and-true ideas on how 4-5 people can motivate a few hundred to keep relative order?

I'm not looking for military ranks here--kids will be kids after all, and the students here are quick to rebel against iron-fists. Students here respond best to teachers they like, respect, and trust, so the firm-but-positive approach tends to be better than the authoritarian approach (which usually leads to a very bad us vs. them situation). I'm mainly just looking prevent or quell the disruptions that can invoke "mob rule."

P.S. I'm also looking for general ways of dealing with individuals who respond disrespectfully or ignore our instructions because they know we can't enforce any discipline until we know their names (I have been known to follow a kid down the hall to his next class or break out last year's yearbook to find out his name, but this is not always possible when there are several of them or their faces are not particularly memorable).

Ideas?

What to do with a thieving adult child?

Anonymous — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 05:39:20 -0800

How do we discipline an adult aspergers son? Some background: My son has aspergers and a chronic health condition that sometimes becomes dangerously acute. He is now an adult and does some volunteer work, goes to community college and is assisted by a welfare organization in work skills. He receives an allowance from the government for disability. We charge him $100 per fortnight rent and 1/3 of the utilities. I expect him to pay for his own medication but we pay for his health insurance.

I still attend some doctors appointments with him as he doesn't always give the doctors the information they need and can't relay their instruction back to me, which means the instructions are not followed.

I tend to over-parent. I am his mother. He was a very very very sick premmie. Almost two decades ago.

Current ground: I don't know how to parent a 18 year old who is allowed to vote, have sex, look at pornography. I don't know what rules I can or should enforce. And I don't know how to discipline him. He lives with us because it's not safe for him to live away from home with his current set of living skills and income.

This is not always a problem except today, for the millionth time, I found him trying to steal from my husband's wallet. I don't think he'd done it for a long time. I've threatened to throw him out for this transgression in the past, and once did (he had a night at the YMCA). But today he is actually quite unwell and I had to take him to the doctor yesterday. I also had to insist he stay at home today even though he wanted to go to college.

My husband is very very angry and I am very very sad. What do I do to stop this, how do I punish and what rules are reasonable to enforce and if you're in the mood for another part of this question - should I give him complete autonomy with his own money? I had told him to keep $50 in his account at all times and he agreed and now he has reneged on that and has no money till his next pay day.

He states that he was not stealing. I believe he was taking petty change which is his usual modus operandi.

He has never been good with money. He is terrible with boundaries with my property. He helps himself to all my technology that he likes. In spite of dire threats. He doesn't care about many things so I can't take them away as consequences of his actions. He doesn't have any friends.

If I ground him he usually does something "illegal" around the house like steal my ipod for his use or my cell phone to play games or take my cds.

Help me with my current dilemma regarding the wallet and please give any other advice you care to. I hope I have covered it all. I have a throwaway email account which is worriesomeson@hotmail.com .

In advance thank you. And apologies for the ramble.

How to Stop Slacking

raisons de coeur — Sat, 21 Jul 2007 01:05:58 -0800

Is there anything besides 'willpower' to grab hold of if you wanted to stop being ruinously indisciplined? Do you know people who've managed major personal change on that front? It's difficult because it feels like it's literally ALL IN YOUR HEAD so how do you change your own mind? Say you slacked. Say your life was literally ruined by this: that you had the best possible education and life circumstances your parents could possibly manage, which is a lot more than the background they came from--a hell of a lot more--but because of how you mismanaged it all, your childhood friends are now generic yuppies while your current peers by position/income are now generic service industry clerks (I'm early 20s).

Say it didn't matter whether it'd be education, work, or even things you'd take on for fun--you just never followed through. That it was pervasive: it didn't matter whether the issue was personal calls back to people, filling out a plain form, doing the dishes--everything from things like that to showing up to high-powered meetings 20 mins late (and thus managing to get yourself shut out of future such meetings since they all gave up on you).

Say you've heard this hundreds of times before: "you're so damn smart, I can't believe you didn't [pull through on whatever the issue was.]" It'd be almost cliche: no matter what it is, you'd have the capacity to do it but fail nonetheless. (Literal quote from a few weeks ago: "I can't believe you [didn't manage X issue at Y place.] NOBODY [doesn't.]" Again, it wasn't so much that I didn't do X to its requirements; I just didn't do X.)

Say that the wrecking effects this had were wildly disproportionate to the causes, eg. getting around to submitting the form would be trivial but not having done it suddenly colors your whole life status.

Say every time you got a chance to begin anew--and you get them again and again--you blew it.

So you were barely functional; anonymous--obscure--fading away.

Is there anything you could do besides wake up hoping to 'somehow' spend today differently.
I guess not.
Damn.

Screenplay in three weeks - am I crazy?

different — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 13:41:58 -0800

So, I promised myself that this year I would write a feature-length screenplay and enter it for the Nicholl Fellowships. The deadline is May 1. I haven't started yet. Still doable? I'm used to writing a lot, and under deadline. I count words, know how much I have to do, and get it done. But that's prose, not screenplays. I'd be starting from scratch to get this sucker written. Am I crazy to think that this is even possible to do in two or three weeks?

I'm not 'in it to win it', it's more of a personal challenge. But I wouldn't waste my time (or embarrass myself) by submitting something that wasn't up to scratch. At the risk of asking the length of a piece of string, how long would it take to write a feature-length screenplay? Any experienced (professional or otherwise) screenwriters care to chip in? Should I forget the deadline and begin on next year's effort, or is there still hope?

Ooo, discipline me! But how?

edjusted — Wed, 31 Jan 2007 12:14:27 -0800

I own a small company and I'm at my wits end. We have some people who are good but not great, and they keep making mistakes or not following rules, which drive other people nuts because they have to catch these people's mistakes and otherwise clean up after them. Problems vary but are almost always caused by carelessness (putting in a wrong zip code, mistyping pricing, forgetting to get something signed off, etc) These aren't necessarily enough for the managers here to want to fire anyone, but there's only so many times you can say "don't do it again." It's also causing some of the better (more careful) employees to lose morale. I'm hearing things along the lines of "nobody cares if mistakes are made, so who cares." Please help me come up with ideas on how to discipline people. It seems like there's only so little you can do besides the usual, which seem severe (firing, less/no bonus). Where's the middle ground? How do we motivate these people to do better?

How can I learn to work without medication?

Anonymous — Mon, 01 Jan 2007 08:36:12 -0800

How can I learn to work without medication? The short story: I'm not able to get things done. It doesn't matter whether these things are hard or easy: I can spend an entire day trying to write a single short email or wash a fork and plate. Part of it is that I get distracted (on my way to wash the plate I'll start looking at a book) but part of it is that I can't seem to care enough anymore. I can be in a situation where things will be very bad if I can't get something done, and I'm aware of it, and I care about it in theory -- but it's not enough to make me able to even get started.

I've always been this way, but not to this extent. I used to be able to go into panic mode at some point and finish things, even if not very well, but these days I can sit in front of an unpacked suitcase and know that I have half an hour to get to an airport and still not be able to move.

Things like making lists have never helped: for one thing, sometimes I can't make myself make them; for another, I get hung up on making them and use that to put off doing anything else; for a third, once I make them I still can't make myself actually do any of the items on them. Breaking tasks up into small chunks is a good idea, but I get hung up on process (which parts depend on which others?) and usually get stuck at some point and can't make myself carry on with the rest.

There are obviously exceptions to this, and sometimes I can actually start things and sometimes even finish them, but most of the time it's too little and too late. I'm writing this post, but the process (signing up for an account! Posting!) has taken about a month. Work life is a problem, because I screw things up, and am aware of it, and can't stop myself; that also means I can't take on anything I really care about.

I'm really sick of this. I've always wanted to avoid taking drugs, for a bunch of reasons, one of which is that I don't want to be stuck taking them forever; if it were a matter of 'take these for a year, get your life back on track, and then carry on without them' I would feel better about it, but I'm worried about the likelihood of that. (Drugs are also a problem because you have to take them regularly, and that is hard. I can't even make myself go eat sometimes, even if I'm starving. It's really that bad.)

So this is a last attempt before medication. Have any of you ever been able to improve your concentration or self-discipline or ability to panic when necessary in non-medical ways? To clarify, I have read most of the information I could find about this, and I know most of the things that are supposed to help, but what I would really like is specific experiences with as much detail as you can give. For example, if meditation helped you, personally, how did you learn how to do it, did it take a long time until you were able to do it regularly, and how much of a difference has it actually made? What sort of things have helped you keep up good habits for more than a few days at a time?

For what it's worth, I don't drink coffee or soda (they make me feel sick), I eat decently healthy food, and while I don't do sports (I've tried, but I've never been able to keep things up for more than a few days) I do do things with low overhead, like taking very long walks pretty frequently. Sleep, which involves two processes (going to bed and getting out of it), is beyond fucked up.

Thanks for any and all help. And happy New Year :)

Joy in housework?

treepour — Mon, 23 Oct 2006 17:23:45 -0800

How do I find joy in housework? I hate housework. My partner used to do most of it because he didn't have a job outside the home and I did, but now we've switched roles -- and he's justifiably losing patience with my inability to keep the place even reasonably tidy.

The problem is that I can't make myself do much of anything unless I find some pleasure or joy in it. Even when I was working a job that I didn't like, I managed to find some aspect of it (e.g, logical problem solving) pleasureable enough to permit me to get through the day.

I've tried everything I can think of to find even the slightest delight in housework, but nothing's worked. Grooving out to good music doesn't motivate me, it just makes me want to sit and listen to the music. Thinking about how nice it will be when it's all clean just makes me think about how much work I have to do get there. And setting up reward/denial systems just makes me resent it even more.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Bank Account That Aids in Forced Savings?

WCityMike — Wed, 04 Oct 2006 16:59:38 -0800

I'm trying to find a bank that might have a certain kind of bank account to aid me in the discipline of saving a certain amount of money; barring that, I'd appreciate any creative ideas on how to accomplish the same goal. More inside. When I have excess money in a paycheck, I've been putting that money towards the debt du jour, paying off debts one by one. However, I have two 401(k) loans out that do not let me "pay ahead" on the loan; I can either pay it off all at once or continue with my payroll deductions.

This means that for both debts, I'm required to have the discipline to put that money into my savings account and not touch it. I'd like to say I have that discipline, but, unfortunately, very often I'll find myself in circumstances where I'll dip into savings and screw myself over.

I'm seeking a way by which I can place money into a savings account of some sort which would only allow me to withdraw money in two circumstances: either a major financial emergency (such as unemployment), or when I've reached the financial goal in question and am ready for the next one. Not before then.

(As far as I understand the idea of certificates of deposit, they require you to make one deposit at the time of purchase and then leave the money alone for a period of time. That's not what I'm going for. When I called my bank, they didn't believe they had any account which would match my criteria.)

I'm leery of setting something up with family or friends — not because I don't trust them, but just because I don't think it's intrinsically a wise thing to do.

I'm aware that one can disconnect the ATM card and online access from the savings account, but unfortunately, there's a bank branch right there where I work, making it just too blasted convenient.

To recap, a savings account (or a means of saving money) that essentially is "deposit-only" until such time as the financial goal has been reached, or in case of dire financial emergency.

Thoughts?