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I'm an adult, so why am I so afraid to stand up to my parents (specifically, my religious mother)?

Anonymous — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 13:29:29 -0800

Lots of details below the cut, but basically it boils down to a plea for "this is how I handled it" stories about confronting parents about religion and different lifestyles--particularly when my "different" lifestyle is not so different at all. I was raised in a fringe Christian denomination in a very strict family (I'm the oldest of four kids). I was taught to view drinking, smoking, divorce, cursing, pre-marital sex, homosexuality, caffeine, jewelry, mustard and pepper, watching television on Saturdays and eating meat (among a slew of other things) as sinful. I was not allowed to date or attend school dances or football games for the few years I went to public school. I had no privacy, and any possession of mine was up for their search and seizure at any time, including my diary. The music I listened to and the movies I saw were carefully monitored and inappropiate things were prohibited (I was 16 when Titanic came out, and my mother forbade me from seeing it). I was sent to church-affiliated boarding school in high school, where things were even stricter than at home (I could literally be fined for wearing a spaghetti-strapped top--immodest!--in my own dormitory). I went to a church-affiliated university because my parents said if I went anywhere else I would be cut off and I didn't know what options I had in terms of loans--I had no idea they existed. I was about as shut off from the outside world as it's possible to be.

I quietly lost most of my faith in high school and college and now consider myself either a militant agnostic, an apatheist, or a regular old atheist, depending on the day. I'm a jewelry-wearing, liquor-drinking former smoker who is all for gay marriage and legalized pot and abortion and, most of all, living and letting live. I am not a rebellious person by nature so as I discovered where my beliefs differed from my parents or the deans of my dormitory, rather than challenge anyone on anything, I just slipped by under the rules. When my college dorm checked each room to verify that we were attending church and not sleeping in (and yes, they did this!) I hung out in my car. I hid my pierced ears from my mom with my long hair for years. I went to a local clinic for birth control instead of using their insurance. I moved across the country right after college in part to get away from their oversight. I'm sure I have outright lied at times to encourage them to continue believing whatever they want about me, and it's worked so well that I don't know how to dig my way out of it.

Fighting them on these things simply never seemed worth it. I would get tag-teamed and reamed out for not being a "good Christian girl". My mother would accuse me of being on drugs, or ask me what she'd done to deserve such a terrible daughter. These screaming matches would last all night, and could be over something as innocent as my wanting to pay my tithe to an animal shelter instead of to the church. So I scooted by under the radar and let them believe whatever they want to believe about my lifestyle. In truth, it's not wild. I drink occasionally but rarely to excess. I smoked for eight years but recently managed to quit (yay me!). I tried pot in college but didn't like it. I've slept with three people in my life, all in the framework of long term, monogamous relationships. I work full-time and support myself, go to graduate school, have never been in trouble with the law, don't forget birthdays or anniversaries, call and visit my parents frequently, have great friends and a close relationship with my sister--in short, pretty much any parent would be thrilled to have me for a kid, except for my parents, and if they knew the truth, all they would be able to focus on is how I've failed them by rejecting their religion and choosing the sinful world instead.

But I'm tired of letting them believe that I support their apocalyptic and closed-minded views. I'm tired of being silent when they denounce homosexuals and people who drink. I'm tired of being someone I'm not around them and cherry-picking the things about my life they know. I'm torn about confronting them with things from my childhood that in retrospect look very much like physical, emotional, or religious abuse. I don't know how to set appropriate boundaries with them, especially with my mom who will continue to treat me like a little girl until I'm married, regardless of my age.

I'm also more and more concerned about their escalated involvement in their religious community and some of the bizarre beliefs my mother seems to have picked up. I don't know how on earth to confront them with this.

Yes, I'm therapy and it's hard and frustrating and painful and the best thing I've ever done for myself. And yes, I've looked for support groups or other people who've been through this, but most of the sites I've found focus on minor points of doctrine rather than figuring out how to get my parents off my back about my secular lifestyle (which, by the way, has give me much more peace than religion ever did). Therapy has given me the courage to begin to face this, but not the actual words.

I guess my question is two-fold. I'm looking for been-there, done-that advice from people who have successfully left cultlike/high involvement religious upbringings and are "out" with their families about this (books, websites, personal anecdotes, whatever) and I'm also looking for advice in general on telling parents that my lifestyle is not up for their debate and scrutiny, or learning how to set boundaries. Specific ideas for how to bring up this conversation is most appreciated. Throwaway email: nolongersda@gmail.com

I'm currently in the middle of a feud with my parents and I need some advice and some perspective on the situation.

ranglin — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 13:48:22 -0800

I'm currently in the middle of a feud with my parents and I need some advice and some perspective on the situation. Details inside (apologies for the length). Here's the story:

Back in June, my wife and I were living in Sydney, but not enjoying it very much. We thought about packing our bags and going back to the Gold Coast, but we didn't have anything to go back to. However, through discussions with my parents, we found out that they'd put us up if we wanted to come back, and that my Dad would give me some casual work at his company to tide me over. This was really helpful and I really appreciated the offer from my parents, which was very generous.

So, we took the plunge and moved back to the Gold Coast and in with my parents. I took the work with Dad, but we were lucky to pretty quickly get back on our feet, with my wife finding a full-time job and with me finding some teaching work at my old place of employment. Since the teaching was casual, I kept on working for Dad and fit the teaching work around the Dad work, doing both. We also decided to stay with Mum & Dad for a few more months to try and pay off some debt, which they said they were okay with (but maybe not... see below).

Anyway, this went along okay for a while, and then Mum & Dad decided to move house. In the meantime, my sister (M; 22 years old and working full-time but having trouble with her boyfriend) had moved back home and my other sister (K; 21 years old, still studying) had always been there, so their were six of us in the house ready to move (I'm the oldest son, with two younger sisters and a younger brother out of home). Mum & Dad had found a nice big house with six bedroom/studies further up the coast and started planning the move.

This is where the feud begins. We had a look at the house and found that it had 3 bedrooms upstairs, as well as a study-type room and a master bedroom. One of the bedrooms (apart from the master) had an ensuite, with the other two sharing a communal bathroom (with two doors). The house also had a smaller bedroom downstairs near the front door intended as a guest room, and also a single bathroom downstairs. After some consideration, Mum & Dad decided to put my two sisters in two of the bedrooms upstairs (M in one of the rooms with the communal bathroom, K in the room with the ensuite), and put myself and my wife in the small guest room downstairs, rather than the much larger bedroom upstairs. When my wife and I pointed out that the two of us would struggle to fit in such a small room, especially with our king size bed (we'd have to have had our bedside tables in the dining room!), they consulted some more, but ultimately decided that we should still have the room downstairs, because M didn't want to share her bathroom and because K thought we'd be too noisy in the room next to hers.

It should be noted that this decision was made literally at the last minute. My parents were moving out of the old house on a Saturday and (after our initial objection) we were told Friday morning that we were still going to be given the room downstairs. When we decided that this meant we didn't want to move, this led to us being left behind in the original house as the rest of the family moved out around us. We had NO time to organise anything else and eventually moved in with my father-in-law for a week before we could organise a rental property.

Since the move, I've spoken to my parents, but they can't really see my point-of-view. I'm feeling really hurt by the decision because it feels like they put my sisters silly whims (noise and a bathroom) above my ability to actually live in the house successfully. I wasn't asking them to move my sisters around at all, just suggesting that the room downstairs was too small and would it be possible to have the extra (available) bedroom upstairs. I've said this to them, but they just keep on saying that "this is the decision we made" and I get the impression that they think I'm being ungrateful for not taking whatever was offered, rather than seeing that the problem is in the equality of treatment between myself and my other siblings. My mum has preached to all of us kids about "treating you all equally" ever since I can remember, but I don't feel like the decision they made was very equitable at all. On the other hand, they seem to think that my circumstances (older, married, staying for a shorter period of time) gave them the right to offer us the smaller room, regardless of whether it was equitable.

Because of the move, and also because my parents seem unwilling to see my point-of-view, I've now decided not to go visit them at the new house. This has caused some tension, but I don't really feel like celebrating with them in the six-bedroom mansion that was too small for me to live in.

Am I being petty here, and should I just suck it up? I keep on telling myself that it's not about the rooms. If there had only been one room available, I would have gladly taken it. It's really about the fact that these silly whims of my sisters were given such precedence over what I needed. It would have been nigh-on-impossible for my wife and I to live comfortably in that room downstairs, but would it have been so bad for my sisters to share a bathroom and put up with a little extra noise if my wife and I had taken the extra room upstairs? If my parents truly believed that I was only going to stay for a short time, then why not give me the middle upstairs room and tell my sisters to "suck it up"? Instead, I feel like I was told to "love it or lump it", and now that I've chosen to lump it and gotten frustrated with them as a result, they think I'm the one being self-centred.

So, what do I do? I don't really want to be in a feud with my parents forever, but I'm also not willing to capitulate entirely to their suggestion that I just "get over it". I feel like they've done me wrong and I would like to hear them say that before I can move on. Am I dreaming? Is it unreasonable? What do you all think?

Thanks all!

I love my girlfriend, but I don't want to go south of the border

Anonymous — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 17:27:08 -0800

My girlfriend is having second thoughts about what she wants out of life. This could lead to a change and possible end our relationship. I'm scared. I'm 29 and she's 25. She just graduated from college last May, and is now attending further classes so she can get into a nursing masters program. The city she currently lives in bores her, and she's feeling like she needs to move on (her words).

She's Catholic and I'm not. I've already agreed that if we get married, she can raise the kids Catholic. I'm not terribly religious. Recently, she says that she's concerned about whether she can have a proper Catholic family when one of the parents is not Catholic.

She said that she wants to live in a big city. I may have to take another bar exam (I'm an attorney), but I'm fine with that too. I've always wanted to live in the city.

Now, she says she wants to live in Mexico (she's half-Mexican). I don't have any desire to live in Mexico. I don't know the language or culture, and have no idea if I could get a decent job down there.

I feel like I've given a lot up here, and that she should also compromise. I've told her this, and she said that she's got a lot of thinking to do. She's being extremely rigid on this living in Mexico issue.

I love this girl and want to be married to her. I'm willing to do a lot, but I don't want to convert to Catholicism or live in Mexico.

Any advice as to how I can talk to her and make her understand my feelings would be appreciates.