Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with dilemma

It's almost holiday time - let the neroses begin!

pointystick — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 08:59:19 -0800

Holiday gift giving going out of my comfort zone but I don't wanna be a scrooge. Please hope me. Longish explanation inside. My family Xmas list is feeling unmanageable. I know some big families draw names, but I have 2 medium sized families (dad/stepmom's & mom's). It has been tradition in both families to exchange gifts between everyone with couples generally giving a gift jointly and sometimes receiving jointly and adults give gifts to the kids too.
Mom's side used to be manageable but family has grown. Xmas includes gift giving between all my grandmom's family (grandmom's kids and spouses, my cousins, and cousin's kids). Dad is remarried now (stepmom, half sister & kid, stepsiblings & spouses). So I'm up to 20 people or so without even getting into my close friends (my non-blood family). I'm the only single person (besides the young folk) and I have no kids and no full siblings so I can't even use the excuse of "only exchanging gifts with a nuclear family".

Now for the questions:

-How do I do gifts without being chintzy? I like to buy nice gifts (especially for mom & dad) but I can't afford to splurge on everyone. What's reasonable? I can't afford what I used to be able to when I was in a 2 income family.
- Am I scrooge? I do make a decent living and I could afford more gifts if I cancelled my upcoming vacation. (OTOH, since my divorce a few years ago, I have been enjoying traveling to places I enjoy & having hobbies so I'm loathe to do it. Is that awfully selfish?)
- I like to give gifts to my close friends, too. Is it appropriate to spend more on my best friends than on stepsiblings I see a few times a year?)

Do I try to fly home just for a funeral?

vickyverky — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 21:58:13 -0800

Should I try to overcome a series of practical obstacles so I can fly to the funeral of a longtime friend? Or just send regrets? I found out today that a dear longtime friend (a substitute grandfather/mentor figure, really) died late last week. His daughter, who is also a good friend, offered to reimburse me for the plane ticket if I come to the funeral, which is about two weeks from today. (I'm in the San Francisco Bay Area; they are in London.)

My immediate thought was that I wanted to be there (I've known him since I was very small, and he has always been a kind, wise influence in my life). However, there are several obstacles. It will be hard to get more than a week off work; I'm at a particularly brutal point at grad school; I'm a nervous flier; and (the capper) my passport has expired.

Realistically, it's probably a no. But I'm still considering it -- for now. Could I even get my passport renewed that fast? (I've looked at the British Consulate's website, but it seems to be pretty vague about the expedited fee process. I'm planning to visit the S.F. consulate in person if I can get through on the helpline tomorrow.) Has anyone else had to do this in a hurry for a family emergency?

I know that funerals are for the living, and that my friend won't be there, except in spirit. But I think I'd get great comfort out of being part of the ceremony to send him off. (The family is hiring a Routemaster bus to drive around his favourite parts of London before the service!) I can do the flight on Xanax and gin. I could hit the ground running, and see as many people as I could fit into a week's visit around the funeral. It would be mad, and sad, and busy. But it would also be unforgettable.

If I don't go, his daughter says she'll read out a letter, reminiscences, or whatever I want to send her at the service. She won't be offended or upset if I don't go -- she just knows how much her dad meant to me.

I'd appreciate any practical answers, as well as hearing stories of whether you've decided to do something similar.

Puppy and Baby?

brevator — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 13:16:05 -0800

Puppy and Baby? Long story (skip to the end if you like): My wife and I walked out of our apt. 2 weeks ago and found a miniature poodle trying to cross a busy 4 lane avenue. The little guy nearly got hit a few times and we felt that we needed to grab him before he hurt himself. We grabbed him and brought him inside. No colar, no ID, no chip. He was unkempt (matted hair on his underbelly, fleas) but very docile and domesticated. He was so small and nervous we figured there was no way he could have been on the street for long. We called local shelters and animal control and left a description with our name. No one called. Then we got him his shots and a flea treatment.
Then we fell in love.
Fast forward two weeks- we're out walking him, when a car pulls up and a couple gets out and asks us where we found the dog. He's theirs. They breed purebred poodles. He has a pregnant lady about to have a litter at home. My wife, despite falling hard for this dog, gives him up without hesitation. She knows that he should be with his people and his lady. The owners are so grateful that they offer us the pick of the litter.
We're still grieving, but seriously considering taking them up on a puppy. Here's the problem:

My wife is pregnant and due in mid March. The puppies are due this week, but we would have to wait another 8 weeks to take one, which leaves us taking the pup home mid December. After that we have about 3 months until our baby is born, at which time the pup will be 5 months old.

Is this fair to do to the puppy? The baby? As I said, were still grieving the loss of the poodle (yes I realize it was only a couple of weeks, but the first couple of weeks are usually very intense when you fall in love), so we're not exactly thinking straight. We have a couple months to figure this out, so I'd figured I solicit peoples experiences with puppies and babies.

Some specific concerns:

Poodles are reported to take longer to house train than other breeds. Will trying to house train a poodle (or any other breed) be significantly more difficult in the cold and snow of a northeast winter?
Puppy will be 5 months old when wife delivers -- this is when puppy adolescence begins. Is this bad timing to have a baby when the puppy is entering a difficult behavioral time?
The breeders are nice people, but, as mentioned above, the sire was not well kept. What do we need to do to ensure that they are adequately socializing/taking care of the puppy in its 1st 8 weeks of life so that we have a dog that will be ready to fit in well with a family?
Is it just too much to have a new baby and a puppy at the same time?

Positive mitigating factors:

My parents and my in laws will be here after baby is born to help take care of wife, baby & puppy (and me).
Wife is much happier with a dog in her life.
We can be home with the pup &/or take him with us most places we go.(Wife is also a grad student with very flexible schedule.)
Wife is very much looking forward to training the new pup, even with all the work and time that entails.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, especially regarding any potential problems and/or benefits we haven't thought of yet. Thanks.

My inappropriate attention spidey sense is tingling

Anonymous — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 18:31:11 -0800

When I was a young girl, my brother's best friend made very inappropriate advances to me. My brother and his family are visiting this friend on the weekend, and I have a concern about how the friend will behave to my young niece. There are complications over what I should do … I have never told anyone in my family about this, and I wasn't physically harmed, but there are still tiny but incessant alarm bells many years later. The families are meeting at a social event, so it's not like brother's friend and niece are likely to be alone at any time.

I live in another country, so I won't be able to keep an eye out. My brother's wife will not be there, so I won't be able to say, "Hey sis-in-law, [bloke] acted weirdly around me when I was a kid. Watch him if he's near [niece]." My mother is friends with brother's best friend's parents, and would be reduced to a torrent of worry about things that happened years ago. My brother is not the best communicator, and doesn't handle messages beyond daily pleasantries very well.

While I'm 99.5% sure nothing will happen, what can I do? Should I warn someone, or just let the whole thing go?

It's what's inside that counts.

elektrotechnicus — Fri, 29 May 2009 19:53:29 -0800

I just had an MRI and MRA in response to these issues, and the radiologist's report should be relayed to me in a day or two. I've already had one normal CT scan. I received a copy of all the images from this scan - should I look at them? On the one hand, I have no medical training and if I'm not sure what if anything I could glean from looking. On the other hand, there is a ton of reference material on the web and I feel like I could at least reassure myself that there are no gross structural defects or abnormalities. Then again, if there were anything "obvious" it would have been seen on the CT, right?

If I do decide to look, what should I look for?

What is Wrong with his Penis?

howgenerica — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 12:51:21 -0800

A friend of mine showed me his penis with some concern. I don't think it's anything, but there were two dark brown freckle-looking things on the tip that probably weren't there before, and he claims to feel strange. Does anyone have any idea what this could be, or if it could be something alarming? The freckles are just minor discolourations and are not raised. Thank you. Prompt responses are appreciated!

How to tell a guy a your Passionate!!!

Mersades123 — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 15:45:48 -0800

How do I express myself in an online dating site when it comes to being gifted with the privilege of passion (overly so) and express that in text with eloquence? So as to convey the message that I am a sensuous and passionate woman in the traditional sense and not a promiscuous whore either. Make sense? whew.

Therapist? Professor? Something else? Help me figure out a career/life-direction dilemma.

Anonymous — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 18:45:02 -0800

Therapist? Professor? Something else? Help me figure out a career/life-direction dilemma. Dear MeFites: You are wise. Please help me think through a tangle of career thoughts. I'm a 29-y.o. woman living in a large city in the U.S.

I currently work as a freelance writer/online project manager, and teach one section of freshman comp as an adjunct at a small college. I quit a F/T job in new media in February because I was burnt out and no longer believed in the bosses. I learned that I had a knack for people-management, yet multi-tasking on-screen all day made me feel permanently stressed out.

Before that job, I interned at a handful of small magazines and a weekly newspaper.

I have an undergraduate degree in English lit. I really enjoyed college. I went to a small school where scholarship was highly valued; I relished being part of a community whose values I could get behind. I felt completely bereft upon graduation, so I decided to apply to PhD programs in English.

I matriculated into a good one in a rather remote small town. I got there and almost immediately fell into a deep depression (it runs in my family, it's my bete noir, and it often accompanies transitions for me). I got help and went on to have two pretty good years, but I immediately noticed that grad school was not much like college; it did not feel like a community. I envied my friends in cities, decided that scholarship was disappointing, and eventually withdrew from the program.

My second year at grad school, I taught two semesters of freshman comp. At the time, I didn't like the feeling of forcing people to do things they didn't want to be doing (writing papers, mostly), but I also experienced the teaching 'high' and enjoyed connecting with some of my students.

Temperamentally, I always excelled in school, and I love to read, though I also have a hard time sitting still, and given the choice, would often prefer a conversation with a friend. All my life, I've been interested in creating things: paintings, drawings, photography, poems, short stories, novels, a journal, term papers, theses. When I was 12, I decided that I wanted to be a writer; that dream has stuck with me.

My Myers-Briggs score varies some, but I'm a hardcore NF type. Usually I come up INFJ or INFP. I'm primarily interested in people: social history, social anthropology, psychology, the human condition. I consider myself an intellectual but definitely also a feeler, which not all intellectuals are.

I've had a bit of a hard time with depression and anxiety, nothing too dramatic, but I think and talk a lot about moods and feelings. As a child, I felt lonely a lot of the time. I think that most of my interests and passions revolve around communication with other people—through art, ritual, the written word, verbally, etc. Maybe I'm looking for ways to feel connected and to help other people feel connected too.

So here's the deal. I'm here, I'm 29, I'm single, I'm doing a lot of odd jobs and sort of making ends meet, but I want more. I want a career identity, and I want to feel like I'm on a path to something. I also probably need to be making more money, at least eventually.

I'm thinking seriously about returning to grad school. I have a project that would make a good PhD, probably not in English but in a related subject. I've told a handful of people close to me that I intend to apply for PhD programs this winter, and start in 2009 if I am admitted.

But! I have these afternoons blocked off to research what programs I'd like to apply to, and I find myself almost debilitated by anxiety during them. I am scared of a feeling of hostility from advisors or fellow students, scared of loneliness and isolation, committing myself to a long career path and lousy job prospects, scared that school wouldn't make me happy or fulfilled. On the other hand, I want to make something of myself. I want to be goaded into producing good stuff. It's appealing to have a path marked out for me. I think it would be cool to be a Dr. (and many of my relatives are PhDs). And I tell myself it would be different this time. I'd no longer move someplace I don't want to live. I've realized that I do like to teach. Being a professor is a path to writing, and writing books. I could try harder to create a caring community for myself within my institution. Doing a PhD might allow me to balance connectedness (to a school and department) with independence, in the way that I like.

But alternatives flicker across my screen. I had an amazing therapist when I was in graduate school, whom I worked intensely with. I loved our time together, and I fantasize a lot about becoming a therapist. I also think about pursuing writing other ways—should I go to journalism school? Or just sit down and start to write a book? MFA programs strike me as really expensive and probably full of trust-fund kids who are a lot younger than I am now; I'd be afraid of emerging two years later, essentially in the same place where I am now, but saddled with debt. However, I'd be happy to hear from people whose opinions differ.

I'd also be interested to hear from people who have done, or started, PhDs in the humanities or social sciences—academia is such a weird little cult sometimes, I think it's hard for people who don't know it to evaluate it as a choice.

I feel scared of picking something, but even more scared of not picking, and never settling down into anything. I want to find a way to be a grown-up in the world.

I feel so close to narrowing this down, yet also so much all over the map still.

Any insights would be appreciated. Thank you.

How do I ethically/morally justify getting paid the higher rate?

Anonymous — Thu, 01 May 2008 07:55:01 -0800

I'm having a bit of an ethical dilemma about a work/pay situation. An acquaintance and I were hired as consultants by The Company for a 7 day project which required a 2 person team doing 2 different tasks. Task A was less technical than Task B and thus received a lower pay rate than B (with a lower overtime rate also). I normally get hired to do Task B outside the context of The Company so naturally when I got hired I assumed that I was getting hired for Task B (with the higher rate of pay). And since Task B is not my acquaintance's area of expertise I figured that it was a no-brainer regarding which one of us was getting hired for which Task.

The confusion came about when my coworker thought that since The Company didn't specify which one of us was to do Task A vs B, that we should split the pay 50/50. The Company (unprofessionally in my opinion) says that they are willing to split the pay any way we agree on. And unfortunately of course, there is nothing in writing. Well there is, but the only thing missing on the contract is specifying who was getting hired for which Task.

The 7 day project is over now and he has since realized that I did in fact do Task B and (even though he tried) he did not possess the technical skills necessary to complete Task B.

I think so far it's pretty clear that I should receive the pay rate associated with Task B and he says he's ok with that and I wouldn't be hurting his feelings by doing so. My dilemma comes because of 2 reasons:

1) For 3 out of the 7 days we both did the same thing. Working as a team doing things that either one of us could easily do and not necessarily in a supervisor/subordinate position. The other 4 days were spent with me specializing in technical stuff on Task B.

and 2) the difference in the pay after all the days and over-time amounts to me getting about 150% more than him. (Re-looking over the rates just now I see that the 150% would happen with or without the over-time, the only difference being that with more hours the dollar amount is what increases).

So really the question is, am I under any moral or ethical requirement to give him a part of the pay I would get for Task B for the 3 days that we did the same duties, while keeping the higher rate for the 4 days during which I did the specialized duties? And what do I say? How do I phrase it?

If we split it that way the dollar amount is a difference of only $187.0 less for me and more for him. I'd make either $1013.0 or $1200.0 more than him otherwise if we split 50/50 I would make about $700.0 less and he $700 more than not splitting.

And lastly, as I said, we are acquaintances but I wouldn't say friends so as far as burning bridges and friendships and whatnot, it's really not a concern. I just want to make sure the end result is a fair one to both of us even if we don't like it.

askmfdilemma@gmail.com if needed.
Thanks in advance.

Keep the Money? Share the Money? Stupid Money.

Anonymous — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 18:07:21 -0800

I have a bit of a dilemma. I dated this guy last year, and he introduced me to a friend in order to get him hired at my company. Flash forward to now, and he's finally been hired, and a referral bonus is coming my way. More deets inside, natch. So I dated this guy, let's call him Fred, for about two months. It was a hardcore rebound relationship, and it was definitely the looniest I've ever been in a romantic situation. We got hot and heavy very quickly, and it burned out as quickly as it started.

While we were in the throes of total infatuation, Fred introduced me, virtually, to a friend of his, let's call him Barney, whom I referred to be hired at my company. I told Fred at the time that I would split the bonus with him if Barney got hired.

When Fred and I stopped dating, it was a little rocky. For context, he messed with my head a bit, slowing things down because his ex girlfriend came back into the picture, but leading me on, essentially "keeping me warm" in case things didn't work out with her - which was a little crazy-making for me, but I survived. I tried to be cool, but sort of flipped out at the end and told him to leave me alone and never call me again. Fred and I have since been in contact and are friendly, but I haven't much of a desire to maintain a real friendship with him. I am somewhat embarrassed by my actions at the time, I had ended a majorly significant relationship just a month before meeting Fred and was having trouble adjusting, and as a result got a little more invested in a fantasy than the reality. I kind of don't want to deal with or see Fred (who has a new girlfriend now, and I am very glad for him). I get the sense he thinks I am still loopy over him, and I am very much not.

I've since kept in touch with Barney very sporadically, as he'd drop me a note when he'd become available and I'd push him along to our HR group. I've never met him or really talked to him much beyond the particulars of getting him a job here. Now, all of these months later, Barney's finally been hired, and I'm going to get a pretty nice referral bonus from it in 90 days.

And now, FINALLY, to my question. Is it wrong to just keep the bonus? Honestly, the biggest reason I don't want to give him any of the money (aside from the fact that I could just use the money, and I've been the one to push this along), is because I really just don't want to deal with him thinking "oh man, this girl is still so INTO ME!" when I just want to do the right thing.

What would y'all do? One moment I feel like a complete crazy person for even thinking of splitting the money with him, and the next, I feel like a total selfish jerk for even entertaining NOT splitting the money with him.

It is possible that Barney will call Fred and say "DUDE! I finally got a job from that girl you were dating lo so many months ago!"

Barney does not know I'll get a bonus but of course Fred does, because I had to open my big fat mouth and offer to split it with him.

Sell now or pay later?

mizrachi — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 20:49:28 -0800

My 1999 Jeep Grand Cherokee Ltd. is an unreliable, gas-guzzling symbol of all that's wrong with this world. At 78K it performs - the small errand here or the work commute there - but barely, sending warning signs all along that some bigger and more troubling defect is on the horizon. Does it make more sense for me to sell (or more likely) trade it in now while the resale is 5k (at best), or to continue to drive it while I (and it) can do so? Other factors:

He/she averages 14 mpg.
It has not seen the off-road.
Was a used gift from a generous mother.
Seems a defensive necessity here in SUV land.

If you hate cats, just move on, pard.

dawson — Sun, 09 Mar 2008 23:10:39 -0800

Catfilter: be my conscience, be my muse... So about a month ago a lovely Bombay (female) shows up, quite literally, at my door. I did gently shoo her away once, but her unusual beauty captivated me, she was friendly (very) and hungry (obviously) so I began feeding her. Before long she had moved in, obviously she used a litter box I bought, and besides the dry food has a fondness for quality brand wet food. It was when my mother noted that the cat had been barbarically de-clawed that I decided to temporally adopt her.So I named her Bichu and fixed her a bed.
Problems: I already own a wonderful dog, Gaberillie, the sexy black lab/greyhound mix that my brother keeps for me. My lifestyle (traveling ESL teacher) prohibits my pet keeping. And as I feel badly about Gabby every day, I vowed to not have another pet.
Bichu is unique. She walks on hind legs, she knocks on the door to go on and out. She has been in some fights (no claws!) and her voice is ruined, but she is just a cool damn cat.
I have tried almost everything to find an owner (though an owner who has a cats claws ripped out is probably unworthy of having a cat) and so far no luck.
The cat loves the outdoors but must be supervised.
I have a dear friend who has 30 cats already, I suppose I could offer her to the friend.
Bottom line, I'm not a big cat person but this one won my heart. I want to do the right thing.
What is the right thing?

Mid twenties male with medical dilemma needs some collective advice.

debu — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 20:15:32 -0800

I'm a male in my mid-twenties, active, and have been for the most part healthy. A few months ago I started getting some strange symptoms, and pain in one of my testicles. I was uninsured so I went to the doctor anonymously and paid cash. His thoughts were it was probably just a standard infection, and gave me some antibiotics and told me to come back if the pain persisted. Around that time I also went to an anonymous city clinic to see if it could be an STD and everything up until then checked out OK. There was a test *Syphilis that I hadn't called back on for results, I did so today and they said the test was negative as well, but there was "something else was going on".. Apparently, the second part of the Syphilis test showed them this. I also asked again about the STD related stuff and they said all that was fine. Up until a couple weeks ago things were feeling better but since then, for some reason, I've been going downhill with symptoms quickly. So I have a few questions (3rd question is most important)

1. I'm not sure the specifics of the test that indicated "Something else" was going on, but I'm guessing it's because of a low blood cell count? If so, that could be anything compromising the immune system right? Or does the second part of a Syphilis test tell something more specific?

2. I'm self employed and thought I could only afford a high 5000.00 deductible plan. As of a week ago I now have insurance, but obviously picked the wrong plan. A few days ago I sent the form to change that to a O deductible higher monthly rate plan, but I have no clue how long this process takes? According to my series of doctor visits at 18 there was a chance I could at some point develop neurological problems (Parent and other family members died of) these "other issues" the clinic was referring to could be related to all this and be chronic. Should I sweat it out not seeing the doctor until my plan changes?

3. If I go in soon to a new doctor, I'm not going to mention the STD clinic visit (Rather not have that on my records, whether things were ok or not), and I can't go back to the first doctor because I went in anonymously and my new insurance will attack me if I disclose this. So what do I say if I go into a new doctor and he asks "Have you recently taken antibiotics for anything"? "Well doctor, now that you mention it I did take some I found lying around ten days in a row, and they didn't do anything for this pain that I hypothetically haven't been treated for". How do I convince him I know something else is going on without seeming like I'm trying to self diagnose?

I'd like some collective input on ANY of these before I pull the trigger. advice? thanks

What to do about non-payment of car parking rent?

lapsang — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 08:22:03 -0800

A neighbor rented my parking space while I am out of the country. I noticed payments hadn't been made for 2 months so when I contacted him he said he had lost all his contact information in a computer disaster and also, his SUV didn't fit comfortably in the space...then he bought a bigger SUV which won't fit in the space at all. He tells me this now having not paid for Sept, Oct or November.

If he had wanted to he could have asked one of our mutual friends/acquaintances for my contact information.

We used to be pally, often chatting when we met on the street. I think he's a fair person but we're talking $300+ and I have to find a new tenant.

I wrote him a polite email five days ago asking for $275 and haven't heard from him.

Options:
1. send polite reminder
2. get angry
3. drop it

Any suggestions from the wise?

What should I write my paper about?

nimkip — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 23:05:33 -0800

I need a topic for a paper concerning a dilemma in gender/heterosexism Stipulations:
--Easily researchable
--Lots of statistics readily available
--Has to be an issue in America
--Is not related to gay marriage
--Is not related to sexual harassment
--Is not related to pay inequality

This is actually a really easy and short assignment, and not meant to be anything in depth. I'm just absolutely blanking on what to write about. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Do I tell my boss about the other job?

PuGZ — Sat, 06 Oct 2007 20:25:51 -0800

What should I tell my prospective employers about my other concurrent working arrangements? Do I tell them about the other job? My high school career draws to a close in thirteen days and my exams finish a month after that. Come New Years Eve I'll be jetsetting to Singapore on a ticket paid for by my parents. I'd like to a) earn some spending money and b) pay them back for the ~$1,400 fare - so I've organised summer jobs.

I've organised one full-time (albeit on a casual basis) well-paying job in the city and another casual job in a liquor store down the road from my house. Ideally, I'd like to work from 8.00 - 4.00 at my job in the city, then work from 6.00 - 9.00 at the liquor store on weekdays and work a full day on Saturdays at the liquor store. (63hr/wk)

I'll be going in for the interview for the latter job soon. They'll ask what availability I have - what should I say? They know that I'll be on school holidays and will be curious as to why I can't work before 6PM on weekdays - what should I say? Is it a faux pas to tell one prospective employer that you're working another better-paying job to fund your overseas trip? How should I handle this?

Another thing to consider - I've been working at this well-paying job in the city for close to two years now, but only during the school holidays as they're a 9-5 Monday-Friday operation. That means that next year I'll only be able to work there during uni breaks and I'd like a continuous source of income during the term, so I don't want to dismiss the liquor store job.

Should I resist the bug juice?

rhoticity — Sat, 30 Jun 2007 16:59:21 -0800

Can I do what I want next summer (namely, be a summer camp counselor) and not kill my options for the future (namely, going to grad school)? I was a summer camper for seven years of my childhood, and it is probably one of the best memories I have of that time. I thought the counselors were SO COOL--and I really, really wanted to be one when I was in college.

So now I'm in college, and I still really, really want to spend a summer hanging out with kids. It's so attractive--I don't care that I won't be paid a lot, because I get to do something I enjoy AND receive food and lodging while still earning some sort of a salary.

Except this: I go to a school where grad school is expected--and I go here because I DO want to go to grad school. It almost feels like, in order to stay competitive and maybe get into (and get some money from) good schools, I should be spending my summers doing research or internships or something similar. This really scares me, because even this summer (after my first year) I have had to spend the majority of my time working full-time in what amounts to an office-bitch position in the medical center--no real relation to my majors whatsoever. I do have an assistant position in a development and speech lab, but I'm not doing my own research there (yet), nor am I doing the hours I probably should be due to sheer financial necessity.

I'm a double-major in Linguistics and Human Development, with a self-determined focus in developmental linguistics and language processes in childhood. In some way, summer camp SEEMS like it should be a few months of free-range fieldwork--experience somehow related, even if not in a purely academic sense.

What will spending a summer at camp do to my future? I know there are a lot of factors here that would introduce variables, making this question not-so-straightforward--but any knowledgeable advice would be very welcome.

In addition, I'd love guidance from any MeFites with experience in the camp-staff realm. I'm thinking a YMCA camp would be right up my alley--I'm particularly interested in Camp Colman and Camp Orkila (no, I'm not from Seattle, but I wish I were). I'm trying to stay away from the elitist "nerd" type camps and lean more toward the traditional camp experience, though not "roughing it", per se. I'm not into sports and my expertise doesn't really lend well to a kid-centered teaching kind of camp. I'm very interested in a special-needs camp, but I don't have real training with special-needs kids other than anecdotal/volunteer activities. No religious camps, please. I can play the guitar, I make a mean lanyard, I have miles of patience and I kick ass at Capture the Flag. That's what I'm going for.

What do YMCA camps generally pay for a summer? Is there anything special I should know? Any other recommendations for camps I should look into? Anything I should be doing prepare for the application and interview? (I'm getting recertified in CPR/First Aid this fall, and I have plenty of leadership experience, especially with elementary-aged kids.) Seriously. Anything.

feral cats are decimating the local songbird population

craniac — Mon, 23 Apr 2007 08:32:13 -0800

I would like to protect the wild bird population in my neighborhood. Our neighbor keeps feeding the feral cats. I would really like to see the Quail population increase, along with the other birds. I think the feral cats are killing off the quail, according to anecdotal accounts, and there is an older woman buying 50 lb. bags of cat food and feeding the feral cat population.

Is there a humane way to deal with feral cats, i.e. get them out of my neighborhood?

I also don't want to traumatize this poor woman who is probably very attached to them.

Perhaps I could create some cat-proof nesting habitat for the quail. I'm at a loss as to how to solve this three-pronged dilemma.

Help Sophie Make a Choice

grumblebee — Fri, 02 Jun 2006 10:06:01 -0800

You're a single mother, with no living relatives except your twin daughters, who are both dying of kidney failure. You have one kidney to donate. Is there a moral/ethical philosophy that deals with such rock/hard place dilemmas? Maybe you can point out a loophole -- the mother could give both her kidneys, sacrificing herself to save the two kids. But work with me here, okay? (The mother only has one healthy kidney.) My point isn't about this specific dilemma -- it's about making choices in which, whatever you do, someone gets deeply hurt.

Another -- less plausible -- scenario: a madman holds your family at gunpoint and says he's going to shoot one of your kids in two minutes. He wants you to choose which one, and if you don't make a choice before the time is up, he'll shoot them both.

Or, more pedestrian: you're a middle manager who has been ordered to fire one of two people, both of whom have equal merit.

Sometimes the "someone has to lose" scenario is due to the complexity of a system. It may be that preventing environmental harm means forcing a company to buy expensive, eco-friendly equipment, which may hurt their bottom line, forcing them to fire workers.

Most moralizing I've heard assumes there's a correct answer -- or at least a lesser of two evils. But this dodges much of real life. The "wisdom" I have heard usually boils down to "we live in an imperfect world", which just describes the problem.

When there is no good choice -- yet one has to make a choice -- an option is to use randomness. But there's something so cold (though fair, I guess) about flipping a coin to see which daughter gets the kidney. It would feel, to me, like I was dodging the humanity of the situation. Truthfully, these situations are so horrible that the common way to deal with them seems to be denial. This could involve oversimplifying a complex problem (at least we're not hurting the environment) or justifying a random action (I looked into Lizzie's eyes and could tell she accepted her fate...).

One of the reasons I so hate politics is that it almost always involves this sort of denial. Almost any complex political decision is going to hurt someone, and (probably because admitting this would mean losing votes) the decision makers almost never deal with this dead on. ("We're going to stop the company from making massive lay-offs. Unfortunately, this WILL impact the environment...")

What have "the wise men" said about grappling with such dilemmas?

Roommate predicament, should I pay or not?

thefinned1 — Mon, 10 Apr 2006 15:40:08 -0800

Roommate predicament, should I pay or not? Short summary: The former roommate in the house I was planning to move in to tried her best to be discreet about telling me that I might not be getting into a good rental situation when I asked her. I pulled out but left the live-in landlord with half my deposit as not to screw her over. Now the landlord has contacted the old roommate telling her she is liable for rent because things with me fell through. The old roommate was only trying to protect me – and now she is about to get hurt because of it. HELP! I need advice.

(Very) Long version: I arrived at my new apartment, ready to move in with my car half full of stuff ready to unload. My new landlady who I would be living with was at work, and the roommate who was moving out was home finishing up the bathroom cleaning. After checking out the empty room, I was headed downstairs to start with the first load of stuff, and I asked the roommate who was leaving if there was anything I should know about the landlady or the living situation before I took the plunge.

Her response left me baffled – she refused to go into any details until she got her full deposit back, but the look in her eyes and the fact that she felt worried that she wouldn’t get her deposit back from this lady didn’t fare well for what kind of situation I was about to get myself into. I tried to get more information out of her so I could make the right decision, but she wouldn’t budge one bit. She seemed very very nice, and sympathetic, and the more I tried to get info out of her, the more I understood that this was NOT a living situation I should be entering into. She even mentioned wishing that she had the phone number of the other roommate who recently moved out, insinuating that that person had a bad story to tell as well.

So...the former roommate and I exchanged phone numbers and agreed to talk later, so I could tell her what I was planning to do, and so that she could eventually tell me, once she got her deposit back, what was so wrong with the landlady/living situation, regardless of my decision. The landlady never knew that she and I came into contact, and we agreed to keep it that way.

After giving it much thought that afternoon, I decided that the best way for us all to get out of it – for me to not have to move in with a crazy lady, and for the former roommate to not be affected by my decision – was to make up a story that got me out of it. So, I did – I made up a life altering event, the end result of which meaning that I couldn’t move in. The landlady was sympathetic to my situation, I told her to keep the deposit money I gave her to cover the half month of rent that it could, and the former roommate wasn’t involved and should therefore get her money back – everybody wins, right?

So I thought until I received a call from the former roommate – the landlady called and told her that because things with the new roommate (me) fell through, she was still responsible for paying rent until she found someone who could take the room. Obviously this is unfair and ridiculous – the deposit money that I left should be what covers the rent until a new person comes in – but as far as the landlady knows, the former tenant and I never touched base, so she doesn’t know that we each know what she’s trying to do. The problem now being, this former tenant can’t get her deposit back from the landlady, and it’s at least partially, if not fully, my fault.

So – what should I do? Should I offer to pay the former tenant a portion or all of the deposit that she won’t be able to get back? That would be money I’m paying, literally, for NOTHING! Should I tell the tenant that I’m sorry she is in this situation, but I can’t help, and risk having her tell the landlady about our interaction, and therefore I would be held responsible for my end of the rental agreement?

I really want to do what is right for everyone, including myself…but what is right? What would you do in my situation?

I'm in California, if that helps/matters.

My boss wants me to do shady things.

Meredith — Sat, 14 Jan 2006 22:46:38 -0800

How do you refuse to do something your boss asks of you without jeopardizing your job? For the first time I find myself working for a company who's ethics and standards on things make me uncomfortable. I work in the accounting department, and my boss often asks me to do her dirty work- nothing illegal like keeping two sets of books, just things I feel are wrong and am not comfortable with.

For example- when a customer has overpaid, or has a credit balance, we don't inform them. We do not send out credit memos, we let the customer "see them on the statement." However, if a customer has a credit balance, we don't send them a statement at all. After a while, if the customer does not order again and the credit balance sits there, my boss asks me to write it off, instead of sending them a refund or at least contacting them. Obviously the problem with this is that if a customer has made a bookkeeping error and is unaware they have sent us too much money, they won't know about it, because we aren't sending them a statement, and in fact go out of our way to hide the fact from them, so we can just keep the money after a few months if they don't ask for it back.

All of my previous jobs, I worked for companies who would immediately contact customers if they had overpaid somehow and offer them a refund, or ask if they wanted to just use it as a credit. And this is only one example of the kind of shady, dishonest things she asks of me.

How do I best go about approaching her with this and letting her know I will not do these kinds of things? Up until now I've just passed these occasional requests on to other co-workers who don't really care, but it's becoming more frequent and I can't keep shifting my workload. I realize that should anyone question it, it would fall on her head and not mine, but I am just not comfortable with this.

I also can't afford to lose my job right now- I have a brand new car payment and an 11 year old greyhound with thyroid cancer undergoing chemotherapy (about a $3k vet bill), and the job market around here is, like most everywhere, not that great right now. I am looking, but I have to have something else lined up before I leave this job. Another point of note: people get arbitrarily fired from this company for no good reason all the time, and SC being an "at-will" work state, there wouldn't be much I could do about it should they let me go.

So is there a good way for me to get around this, approaching my boss or otherwise, or should I just suck it up and do as she asks until I find something else?

What should I do with old piggy banks?

jeremias — Sat, 20 Aug 2005 12:40:58 -0800

What should I do with old piggy banks? In the process of packing up for a move, I found 3 old piggy banks that are filled with change. They were given to me (with no "nostalgia value") from my mother. The change inside is at least 30 years old, possibly much older. I can actually see some of the coins and they look interesting (i.e. silver and half dollars). The only way to get the change would be to destroy the banks, as there is only slim slot used to insert the coins. So do I store them and let my (very young) son deal with the dilemma years down the road. Or should I open them and see if the coins are worth anything?

Law School Admissions

SeizeTheDay — Wed, 15 Jun 2005 21:09:09 -0800

I have a question regarding attending a university but not including it in my law school application. My situation is a bit tricky right now; I left one school after a major life trauma for a change of pace. It turned out that I wasn't ready for school at the time and did very, very poorly. Now, after a few years, I'm going back to my original school and finishing my degree. My upcoming graduation will not require any of the credit earned from my second school. But I noticed that all the law school admissions applications mention that you have to forward all transcripts. How much trouble can I get into for not sending in those transcipts? What is the likelihood that I will be "caught"? BTW, my current GPA at the original school is "okay", but my saving grace is the LSAT, recommendations, and personal statement. What should I do, and why?

Is the potential for abuse enough reason to report someone?

Anonymous — Wed, 01 Jun 2005 11:24:19 -0800

This evening at a gathering of neighbors, I heard a disturbing story. The neighbor's ex-girlfriend has a brother who was sent to prison for raping her daughter when the child was 2-3 years old. The brother is now out of jail and living with his mother - the child's grandmother. When the girlfriend goes out, she takes all of her children and drops them off at the grandmother - which is where the child rapist lives. I've looked up the brother on the Texas state sex offender list and he is there and it says he's still on probation. Probation usually precludes the offender from having any contact with his victim.

But now I've hit a wall. On one hand, every instinct in my body screams for me to do something to get those kids out of that situation, but on the other hand, it is possible that he's not touching them or punishing her for sending him to prison. Also, I don't know the history of the case, or the individual, or the situation. I do know that the brother is violent and irrational. More on that later.

I mean, if their mother thinks they're safe, do I have any right to assume that she's wrong? I also have to consider the safety of the people around me. Already when the girlfriend and the neighbor had a fight, she sent five guys over to break into the house to rough him up. He wasn't there, so they kidnapped his dog. (We still don't know where the dog is, they're denying they took her, despite there being witnesses and their vehicles captured on surveillance cameras.) These are scary, scary people. I'm not easily frightened, and these people spook me.

What would you do in this situation?

(Sorry about the length, I wanted to try and preemptively answer questions people might have.)

How to deal with a bully from my childhood

Civa — Tue, 08 Feb 2005 22:01:37 -0800

HIGH SCHOOL BULLY QUESTION.
I'm 30 now and very recently discovered an old school reunion site which brought up a couple of questions for me. When I was 13-15 I had a really nasty bully through the first part of high school (I'm in Australia). She made my life so freaking miserable and then, when we could leave school at 15 she left. My questions are as follows. Has anyone ever had the chance to confront their high school bully?? or (even though I know we're wonderful folk here on mefi), been confronted by someone they bullied?
I don't want to do anything but tell her that she made my life miserable and that it left lasting scars on my childhood.
PS She's not actually on the reunion site but I was toying with the idea of tracking her down.