Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with desperation

Do they make deoderant for the stink of desperation?

Anonymous — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 18:03:22 -0800

I'm pretty sure I stink of desperation when I'm out on dates. Please help me stop doing that. I just turned 27. Living in Big Coastal City, where most of my college friends call home; I grew up in one godawful small town and went to college in another, so all my roots (professional, personal) are here. And when I say all, I mean all - once a year at Thanksgiving I call my parents to ask if they're willing to see my older brother again, dad says something about lifestyles and God's wrath and sin, I hang up and go over to my brother's boyfriend's parents' place for dinner. 90% of the time, I love it here - my friends are great, my career is off like a rocket, I'm having a blast.

Except:

All of my friends are in relationships. Every single one as of six months ago. About half are married or engaged; the others are in various stages of seriousness, but not a one of them is single. It wasn't like this when we moved here, but basically, since then, they've all gained relationships and almost none of them have lost any. I even made a list to be sure. I head up a team of six at work - all of them are a year to four years younger than me, and one of them is unattached; he's the most introverted person I've ever met. Me, though - I've been single for three years, as of this fall. I had a month-long fling in 2007, and that was going great, until she decided to go back to her ex. That's the closest I've come.

I paid attention to people who told me to just do things I loved, and get out and be social, and it'd happen. I tried that - joined a couple of groups devoted to my hobbies; started volunteering. That didn't work. Well, it worked inasmuch as it made my life better, and I did get a few new friends/acquaintances out of it, and a couple of unsuccessful dates, but... no meaningful progress toward any kind of girlfriend.

I go on dates, when I can; I sometimes meet someone at a party, or a random conversation on the street turns into meeting for coffee. I just started online dating at a friend's urging, but it's been an incredibly depressing experience as I start to understand how horrific the gender imbalance is. It seems like a tremendous amount of work and rejection to even get to a single date.

Now here's the thing: I still believe that I'm doing things "right," as much as there is such a thing. I'm keeping active, and social; I've checked with trusted friends that my clothing, apartment, behavior, aren't horribly wrong. I will meet someone - logic says so. I may have had really bad luck so far, but there's nothing stopping me from meeting anyone at any of a dozen social events, hitting it off, yadda yadda. My problem is staying positive. I'm the first one to say that desperation is the worst thing to have when you're single. But I'm getting really, really desperate. I'm really envious of the lovebirds around me, and frankly, being basically celibate is kind of horrible. I'm pretty sure at this point that when I am chatting with a girl, the desperation is obvious, and it looks awful.

So how the hell do I manage this? How do I stay sane when I'm surrounded with happy couples, without ditching my entire social network? I've heard people say that I need to "stop trying," but I can't understand how to actually do that. I stay busy; between work and hobbies and friends I don't even have a lot of free time, so it's not like I'm just sitting at home moping. But like I said... it's been a long time since I've had any hope at all about relationships, and I honestly don't know, and would like to know, how to obscure/manage what is, frankly, an increasingly desperate mental state? What's worked for the green? How can I chill the fuck out?

DIY Dentistry: always a bad idea?

Anonymous — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 17:20:11 -0800

Should I pull this tooth out? My father and grandfather both lost all of their teeth by the time they were 40. At 31, I'm currently sporting nine broken teeth myself, but eight of those are just context to my question. The ninth one is the problem. The nerve is exposed, and this is causing a periodic radiant zing of agony down my jaw and neck, and into my chest. I don't care about saving the tooth, but the pain is pretty awful, and I am concerned that this is starting to take a toll on the rest of my body.

I can't afford proper dental care (no income, no savings, bad credit, no insurance of any kind, surviving on the generosity of a friend). Am I better off trying to pull this sucker myself, or leaving it to fester? Which is more dangerous/insanely stupid? Do I have professional dental care options which have not occurred to me? Or do you have any advice for dealing with this kind of pain on an ongoing basis?

I am in Columbus, Ohio, if that makes any difference. Throwaway email account at zinginghelltooth at gmail.com, for for sharing tips and terrifying self-dentistry anecdotes.

My whole f*cking life is a wreck/I'm desperate, get used to it?

Anonymous — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 21:39:49 -0800

Don't be desperate. Okay, how? So, I got dumped by my first love. It's your typical sordid story; we'd been together 3+ years, were living together, gonna get married, blah blah blah blah. He left me & moved out about 2 months ago (57 days but hey! who's counting?)

I've been a good girl; I've read all the posts tagged "breakup" and listened to lots of kindly advice. I know I'm not over it yet and I know I'll get there eventually, and that time's the major thing that will help. Here are some things I've been doing to try to heal:

* Drinking, probably a bit to excess (I know, I know, but I'm heartbroken and in my early twenties, gimme a break)
* Keeping busy (I've joined a band, taught myself to sew, started a million projects)
* Redecorating/cleaning my house so it's a comfortable place for me to be
* Relying on the amazing kindness and support of my friends
* Trying to enjoy having alone time (I actually went to a show all by myself recently!)
* Going out dancing at every possible opportunity
* Exercising (I've practically worn my poor bike to pieces)
* Masturbating. A lot. (hey hey anonymity)
* Crying when I feel like crying
* Studiously avoiding any movie or television show with the slightest suggestion of conjugal happiness

I've been on a few dates and I've had a few one-night stands. I think I'm probably doing okay, more or less. I haven't called the ex even once and I don't even think about him all that often. But lately (say, the past few weeks) I've been overwhelmed with need for love and attention of the non-Platonic variety. Like, for serious overwhelmed--I'll pass someone (anyone) on the street and all I can think about is falling in love with them, or them falling in love with me, or dragging them into an alley and riding them till my thighs blister. Or I'll go out with someone and then spend days stalking them on Facebook. I troll craigslist missed connections constantly. I'm expending a ridiculous amount of mental energy on this stuff (the longing, the fantasies, the obsessions) and I'm having a really hard time not doing it. I feel like I'm 15 again.

I don't think I'm acting too insanely desperate, but I damn sure am feeling that way. How do I stop thinking about potential romantic/sexual partners All. The. Time.? And how do I get used to only having sex once every few weeks, if that? (I suspect that's a significant part of the problem.) Am I just going to have to wait it out, or is this what being single feels like? I sure don't remember it this way.

I've forgotten a Gmail password and need help contacting Google.

Item — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 13:50:37 -0800

I can't remember the password for one of my Gmail accounts and I'm beginning to think Google hates me. I've used the account (#1) for several years now, but for the past year or so I've had all mail received at that account forwarded to another Gmail address (#2). I've logged in to #1 a few times here and there, but now I can't remember the password, my security question (one that I definitely know the answer to) isn't working, and the email address I used as a secondary address for #1 is an old one that I no longer have access to.

I've tried every combination of letters and numbers that I've ever used for passwords. I've gone through Gmail's 'password assistance'. I really need to retrieve an old message from #1.

I'm unable to find customer service info for Gmail anywhere - I just keep getting directed back to the 'password assistance' page. Is there any way I can contact the folks at Google/Gmail for help, or am I just shit out of luck? I can prove that account #1 belongs to me, as it links to accounts #2 and #3.

Please don't tell me that I should be more careful with my passwords - I am careful and I don't understand why my answer to the security question won't work.

Cascading Tears of Stylish Despair

DenOfSizer — Sun, 11 Feb 2007 08:48:53 -0800

Internet Explorer 7 broke my website's CSS! I volunteer for a not for profit doing webdesign, www.stagesoflearning.org, and can't figure out the hack to position the middle div tag properly in IE 7 without messing up all the other browsers. The css is here. Anyone? If I didn't have a newborn baby and full-time job I could figure this out, but I'm superswamped!

Thanks, Hivemind.

:-(

Anonymous — Fri, 20 Jan 2006 19:12:02 -0800

My neck cracking habit is killing me. I crack my neck all the time. Some days it happens more than other days but I do it every single day at least 4 times.

On days where it's really bad I will crack my neck everytime I get a chance and my head neck and shoulders will feel sore all day long. Most of the time I use my hands to press my chin up to the side. Sometimes the tips of my fingers feel numb right after I crack it.

This is a disgusting, repulsive, terrible habit. I remember being totally grossed out by neck cracking before I started myself.

My mother who has the same unfortunate habit went to a chiropractor who told her that there were many cases of people who had quite literally *killed themselves* with overenthusiastic neck cracking. I have absolutely no doubt that if this is indeed possible it will happen to me if I do not stop soon.

I've tried before to stop. But then that tense/stiff feeling just builds up until I can't stand it until *snap crackle pop* ((bliss))

I want to be like how I was before I started this terrible habit when my neck just felt normal all the time. This is making me miserable. I can't afford to see a chiropractor on a regular basis.

Please, for the love of mankind, help me.

Best used car ad ever.

mdonley — Mon, 31 Oct 2005 14:19:37 -0800

Help me write an amazing ad for my used car to sell it really, really fast - I'm moving abroad in two weeks. Lots of questions. I'm moving to Poland in a few weeks and need to get as much money as possible for what I've got left. The car is the biggest thing I'm selling, but for a variety of unforseeable reasons, the car's gone unsold and unadvertised.

It's a great car that's fun to drive, but it's got some issues - occasional knocks, squeaks, and rattles, a persistent "check engine" light which refuses to back down even after the car's been checked out, and a few minor paint chips/scratches. Other than that, it's mechanically sound and has been reasonably well-maintained, but it's been in college with me, so it wasn't garaged or washed every week or anything like that. Also, it's a manual, so there's that.

I know where to list it - Craigslist, the local newspapers, et cetera - but I need to know how to make the ad sizzle. What's the best angle for photos? Should I pimp the great gas mileage more? What about eBay or a place like Carmax, which, as I understand it, will just make an offer on whatever you bring them and pay you right there? (Carmax car-buying link: http://www.carmax.com/dyn/webuy/webuy.aspx)

Most of all, how do I convince a buyer that *this* car is right for them? I know very little about cars, and while I'm the second owner, I don't know how it was maintained for the 40k-odd miles before I bought it (with the help of my dad and a car-wholesaler neighbor). I've got some service records, but not receipts from oil changes or anything like that. What's the protocol on possible buyers wanting to take it to a mechanic and test-drive it? Can I ask for cash only? What about an ad would make you jump at this if you saw it?

Here's what I've got so far:

1998 [not-exactly-popular Japanese make] [model] GL Wagon $[less than Blue Book for its "clean/good" condition], OBO
Stick, 74k miles, 30+ mpg, clean int/ext, AC, CD, big storage, new eng/trans! Moving, must sell ASAP!

Am I sunk? I don't have a lot of money to work with, but I've got lots of time in the next few days to clean/fix up/maintain what I can.

On preview:
1. I live in Orange County, CA , so if you've got location-specific advice, awesome.
2. I hope this isn't interpreted as me trying to use AskMeFi to sell my car, which would be shady and regrettable. I've deleted the make, model, and price but can put them back in if people want that.
3. Sorry if this is super-long, but I'm getting nervous and panicky.

Self-Hatred

Anonymous — Mon, 16 May 2005 14:47:17 -0800

I hate myself. This is a problem. I hate myself. No, I mean I REALLY hate myself. I have been struggling with this since the age of 12. I am now in my late 20s. I don't hate my personality so much as I just hate my body, or more specifically being IN my body. I am disgusted by my human-ness, if you will. (Perhaps there is a term for this.)

I have had a long and exhausting battle with acne. I barely went outside for 4 years because I was so ashamed of my appearance. I gradually came to realize that I have a hormonal imbalance and now I cannot go off birth control or chaos will ensue. Then, last year I came to the devastating realization that I have rosacea. Ha! What a dirty, dirty trick. In addition to this progressive skin disease I have also experienced progressively worsening gum recession due to an as yet unidentified cause. No dentist can tell me what is wrong with me. I have bruxism and wear a mouth guard but it hasn't helped.

When I look at myself in the morror I see only my flaws. I don't need to be a super model; I just want to be me--minus all of these disorders and diseases. I am consumed with thoughts of "fixing" myself. Something close to panic sets in with each passing day. I am pathetic and mull over the fact that I am poor and will never be able to afford dental implants, cosmetic surgery, etc.

Most days I could really care less if I died. I don't want to get out of bed. Ever. But the kicker to this rant is that I am in love with the man of my dreams. He is my everything. I rely on him 100%. Needless to say, he has been deeply hurt by my depresion. After 5 years together I think we are both at the breaking point.

The crux of our neverending argument is that he feels he is #2 in my life--#1 being my self-hatred and the amount of time and energy I devote to it. I can't really argue with his statement because it is true. I try to reassure him by telling him that he IS #1 in my heart and that I don't purposely place anything or anyone above him. It's just that frequently, without even realizing it, in my mind I am more consumed with my own agony than I am with my love for him. I want to be the person he deserves but I think I have run out of ideas. I don't know how to change my viciously negative thought patterns.

I have been through all kinds of therapy and been diagnosed with everything from body dysmorphic disorder to post-traumatic stress to severe clinical depression. I don't think more therapy is the answer. I have taken enough psychology classes and paid for enough 1-hour sessions that I already know the strategies and theories--it's a matter of implementing them.

I've tried Prozac, Celexa, Paxil, Sam-e, and St. John's Wort. No success. Currently, I am trying Wellbutrin but it's too early to tell. I'm not expecting much.

I guess I should say that my depression isn't solely based on my appearance. It's all connected. I don't have the confidence to achieve the things I want in life. I have a degree in the arts but I, predictably, work in an office. If I hadn't experienced this myriad of health/appearance issues, I really think I would have liked to be the next Dian Fossey or Jane Goodall. Or perhaps tecahing children in Africa or South America. Now I feel that I am restricted to the "developed" world because of my dependence on certain medications, the constant threat of a nervous breakdown, and my selfish attitude.

I think my questions are:
1. How can I stop hating myself so much?
2. What can I do to stop incessantly thinking about hating myself and letting it invade my relationship?

I'm sorry this is so long. If anyone cares to bite at this from any angle and try to make sense out of me...

exchange rate fight!

Popular Ethics — Mon, 09 May 2005 15:28:12 -0800

This week, apparantly, the financial movers and shakers in the US have "toughened up" their demand for China to let their currency float with respect to the US dollar, saying, among other things, “Failure to move on the renminbi means China is also not doing its fair share in reducing global payments imbalance" If their fixed exchange rate is the reason for China's enormous growth, what reason would they have to oblige? I've never heard an economist suggest "good will" as a motive for matters of international finance before. Frankly, it sounds (to my untrained ears) more like begging. Does the US hold any cards here? What risks does China take by not giving in?

DV Deck FireWire Problem

jtron — Tue, 26 Apr 2005 23:25:28 -0800

My Mac won't recognize my DV deck... This has been thus for the last week or so. It may have been coincidental with my installation of 10.3.9.

I've tried resetting FireWire by unplugging the computer for 5 minutes, I've reset the nvRAM and PRAM, I've trashed the Preferences, and I've reinstalled 10.3.9 from the combo update. Still nothing, although the computer recognizes my iPod and my camcorder.

I have a Quicksilver 733 MHz G4, and the deck is a JVC SR-VS30U. My 3-year AppleCare Protection Plan ran out a month ago; without being able to interface with this deck the utility of this system drops precipitously, and I can ill afford repairs, a new computer, or a new deck.

I'm hoping that wiping the hard drive and installing Tiger will solve the problem, but I have plenty of work that needs to be done before Tiger arrives.