Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with despair

Not quite child abuse but damn it's close

Anonymous — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 07:05:04 -0800

How do you stop feeling bad about situations that don't affect you directly and which you are powerless to alter? This involves other peoples' young children. My wife and I know several very young children who aren't being raised right. Nothing necessarily bad enough to trigger Child Protective Services but still really horrible and scary environments. These kids seem destined to grow up to be maladjusted, unhappy burdens on society (criminal justice and/or welfare) like their parents and we're not at all close enough to any of the families to offer advice or anything. Any money sent their way would, if history is any guide, be spent on toys and crap for the parents. I feel like we're watching a slow motion trainwreck and I need to know how to stop dwelling on it.

Some of the thing's we've seen or heard about...
-Routinely forgotten medicines
-In-face full volume screaming at a toddler
-Kids living off juice and chips
-Another toddler constantly yelled at to the point where he is afraid of everything
-parents who leave their 8 month old for ten hours a day with an overworked and underpaid babysitter who tolerates it to make sure the baby gets food water and care it might not otherwise

There's more, there's worse but that's the general picture. As far as we know, no beatings or anything. Trying to get the government involved seems like it wouldn't really do anything but set the parents off. Coming up with doing nice things for the sitter mentioned above seems to be the extent of things we can do. How do I stop thinking about the rest? Jesus I hate myself for asking this.

I am in despair

lndl — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 09:06:06 -0800

I think I'm broken. How can I see any hope? Ok bear with, this is NOT a Singles ad. Just giving the context...

I'm mid forties male. Single, but with a fiancée whom I adore. We don't live together yet (for unrelated reasons to this post) but plan to marry in two years. Always highly introverted, but not shy as such. Intelligent. Educated. (Incl. Couple of Master's Degrees that I've done in my spare time in the last few years). Also into plenty of activities, (running etc). Great physical shape. Live in small town in middle of nowhere because of ill mother. Don't drink, smoke etc.

Terrible mental shape though. And that's the problem.

Worked in various parts of IT past 28 years. Starting working out of school and did all my degrees in spare time. Never desired money., which was ok as I never made much. Enough to pay the bills.
Have 3 fantastic grownup kids (early 20s) and a crazy ex-partner. No career planning but changing jobs, etc moved me around a lot for years. Last 10 years working for 1 company.

Two years ago after having been put in a terrible position by company I started suffering from stress (didn't know what it was for months, shocked to discover I could suffer from it, in my case being nauseous all day and unable to eat). After months of illness I had to take 3 months off. After going back to work nothing happening there.

Finally laid off middle of last year. A lot going on in my life at the time including mother terminally ill meant I decided to take a break for 6 months or so. First break in my life. Seemed like a good idea.
Unlike those with loads of money I had saved the past 8 years since seperation, "just in case", so I could pay my mortgage for 2 years if I lost my job (Have been laid off twice previously).

6 months passed and personal life was still difficult. And by that time things were falling apart in the country (I'm in a European country, BTW) like elsewhere. Found myself unable to get motivated. Had been seeing a psychotherapist since stress event. Ok but didn't lead anywhere. Had to stop though at beginning of this year due to financial constraints.

Had been on a few different mild anti -depressants for 3 or 4 months but stopped for various reasons incl. didn't like sensations produced, preferred to handle it through exercise. Also think studies show anti-depressant SSRIs fall into placebo category.

And now, well, by now I've fallen into a trough of despair.

Mother still terminally ill, but surviving. Plenty of exercise but have to force myself as I no longer care. Eating and sleeping messed up, classic depression symptoms. Only see fiancée at weekends, luckily for her, that makes me feel better in the short term.

<>>
I don't ever want to to back to IT is one thing I've learned. Not that I seem to have a choice. The few jobs available are in manufacturing and whenever I've applied they say I've been away from manufacturing too long (because last job was customer related). In a year I've only applied for about 30 jobs and not got one interview.
In fact my Master's degrees were in a different field so I could change career, the environment, and now no-one cares about that AND I have no experience there.

All the things I imagine you saying about me, "just get on with it", "stop feeling sorry for yourself" etc I say about myself and worse. I find myself literally unable to look at myself in the mirror sometimes.
The only emotions I feel strongly are negatives, despair and hopelessness, self-hatred and self-abegnation.

I took the Burns depression checklist recently from the CBT book "Feeling Good Handbook", and I ranked as "Extreme anxiety" and "Severe Depression". Like I didn't know. I wonder if I've had the so-called "nervous breakdown".

If I was a different person I'd probably think very seriously about suicide but I could never do that to my family. Plus I'm an atheist so I don't see the point, I'm not going anywhere after.

I do often feel like I want to die.
I feel like "'I'm done", like I've been swallowed whole and spat out, found wanting, finished at 45, even worthless, compared to the people around me.
I don't want to worry my fiancée with the true depth of my despair, she already knows it's pretty bad. I don't have anyone else to talk to as my sister is also under the same stress of looking after our mother. But I no longer think talk is a solution either.
Not that I have any idea what the solution is. Bad things happen to god people. In my case I am making them happen to myself because I seem unable to pull myself out of this.

This wasn't me. With those who know me well I'd be seen as someone with mental and physical drive. E.g I did a sailing course a few years ago. A friend immediately said, "I expect you'll be doing a global circumnavigation next year". That's how people saw me. Always pushing myself mentally and physically. Always trying to be a decent man. Always wanting to do a good job. Always wanting to look after family. Always wanting to understand. Always wanting to enjoy life in my own way.

Now, I'm mostly nothing. And I'm writing to the internet for hope. Damn, can you imagine how fucked-up that is?

Oh Dear.

Anonymous — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 07:47:05 -0800

My life is kinda fucked up and I'm at a complete loss at the steps I need to take in order to not be so fucked up. I am 25. I weigh nearly 300 pounds. I went to a very exclusive high school. Flunked out of one of the best small liberal arts colleges in the US. Went to a "college"(more like a high school in the UK) in the UK. Attended, for three years, one of the UK's best schools and flunked out. Attended a community college in San Francisco. Transferred to a UC. I failed to attend the last half of my classes and exams at said UC last quarter.

I drink very heavily. My doctor prescribed .5 mg of alprazolam for anxiety 3 times a day. I don't know what to do at my school in order to stay a student.

I want to quit drinking. I spend all of my time online. I am afraid that I have alienated myself from all of my friends except for drinking buddies. I don't know anyone in my UC town.

I am a genius, according to most non-specialized standardized tests. I am very good at math, coding and I love literature. I feel that if I can quit drinking I can do well in my classes. I may still be a student here for another quarter and can provide documentation about my mental problems if it comes to it.

I love and trust metafilter. What should I do with my life? I am scared.

Feel free to contact me kali.scot@gmail.com.

I need to find meaning in life

Anonymous — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 07:26:29 -0800

I have managed to screw up my life repeatedly for years and officially hit bottom recently. How do I escape this descent into nihilism and find meaning and success? Hello MeFi. Long time visitor, first time poster, and anonymously at that. Apologies in advance for the length, I'll try and keep it concise.

I'm almost 25, male, living in a big city, by all superficial measures should have a good life, but I'm finding myself slowly sliding into some sort of nihilistic state. I wrote up a long backstory, but to make it a bit easier to follow here it is in a more PowerPointy fashion:

College: spent the first couple years reaching new depths of depression and loneliness, struggling to figure myself out. This was mainly due to emotional/social immaturity, some passive aggressive behavior, and never finding a group of friends I felt like a real part of. After hitting rock bottom, slowly channeled that depressive energy into work, classes, working out - basically trying to stay resilient, angry, and to improve myself. This was perversely a good thing, because it gave me something to work for.

Post-college: started work, life slowed down, settling into a rut. I think without the variety of demands and social opportunities (few that they were) that college offered, I started losing motivation. It wasn't emotionally terrible, but I knew I didn't love the way my life was going.

This year: job got particularly frustrating and stressful, started playing (read: gambling) in the stock market several months ago, lost almost everything in my brokerage account (half my total savings). I kept hitting new lows (financially and emotionally), kept making bigger bets to try and make it back, and plumbed new depths of self-loathing, depression, and anger. Much of this has faded away with time, but the effects are there.

Upshot: social relations severely dysfunctional. No close friends, not emotionally close to anyone, very untrusting of everyone and strongly hesitant to reveal too much about myself. Significant loss of self-confidence and frequent feelings of shame. No motivation to do things, can't over my defeatist side to even try, and enjoy virtually nothing in life. Can't concentrate at work, can't clear my mind to sleep well. Occasional feelings of noticeable but not overwhelming anxiety about nothing in particular. I have no perspective on what's "normal" in any element of modern life. Not that it matters, because life is meaningless for me.

Strangely I'm not depressed, but sort of in a stoic despair. I'm basically running on innate survival instincts now. I used to be able to justify and rationalize my mistakes, but this one is eluding me. I want to say to myself that I'll rise from these depths and become wildly successful, but this time I don't think I believe it anymore. I want a break, something amazing to happen to me. But I can't rely on that kind of thinking anymore.

I've always been very stubborn, but now I'm asking for help, some real-world advice. What sorts of things can I do to feel that fire I felt back in college that kept me going? I know I want to be successful, and I continue to call myself very ambitious, but how do I prove it to myself? Are there things I can do to change my thinking so I can try and create something of value in my life? Can I ever achieve anything socially given how much "baggage" I have in my past? How do I figure out "who I am" so I can change for the better without feeling like I'm lying to myself?

I'm not expecting a magic solution here, but there's still a glimmer of hope inside me that's keeping me going, and if I can truly convince myself that I can achieve my ambitions if I just invest myself in moving forward, I think I can make it. To pre-empt some comments, I am actually looking for a therapist after all these years, but until I find someone I can connect and make progress with, I appreciate any real-world advice anyone can offer.

Lack of Trust in My God in a Box

snap_dragon — Thu, 08 May 2008 06:30:51 -0800

I would like to sense God in my life. I go to church regularly, pray, and read the Bible to understand Him better but I still have such deep bouts of depression where I either don't trust or sense his presence. There is a wide gap between what I believe with my heart and what I understand in my head. For example, I understand and believe in the sovereignty in God but when hard times come or extremely difficult emotions (despair) arise, that is the first thing I question. I am not looking for an easy life or a perfect life, just one that is able to trust God more. Any opinions on how to do this? I feel a great tension between trying harder, and just letting go but my letting go resembles more closely giving up than "letting God" if you know what i mean. To summarize, I want a stronger faith. Any ideas? Thanks so much for input.

Says Deavere-Smith, go West young man, despair, come back hopeful.

sully75 — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 04:37:24 -0800

I remember seeing about 2 years ago a clip where Anna Deavere Smith was doing a piece on Cornel West. Channeling him saying that he uses the "language of despair" because you must despair before you can hope. Something like that. It was quite moving...and I've thought about it many times in the interim. I can't remember the exact quote or where I heard it from. Any ideas?

And also...I've loved everything I've seen her do but not sure where to go next to dig in deeper. Any suggestions? I watched her Ted Lecture, it was amazing.

Thanks

unable to perform thy terms too hard

raisons de coeur — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 10:41:16 -0800

I really really dislike doing things. This goes all the way ad absurdum in that I actually would rather freeze into nothingness than deal with college, work, chores, and so on. I assume this isn't normal. What to do?

I'm coming round to thinking I need to unplug and get help since I haven't snapped out of it all these years but it just seems so lame an issue, there's the internal disciplinarian saying "stop being lazy and it'll be ok"--and I stay skeptical of the capacity of external help to address something so mundanely internal.

I guess my question is "oh god what's wrong with me!", or more specifically whether you find this indicative of a particular pathology or dysfunction you're familiar with.

It's so frustrating because all the structural components to crawling back on track are laid out for me, but however resolute I get, I keep betraying trusts--mine own and other people's--and staying on one side of the bridge. It stings so badly when for example at work someone says "can you do this now? are you back? are we gonna kick ass?" and I'm all like "yeah!" and then flicker out again.

The irritating part is that this is independent of the nature of the task in question, they just all weigh down on me as numbingly boring.

It's all so greasy, dank and dreary, man. wtf.

Weird problem with wireless modem / router - connection dies after 20 minutes.

arrowhead — Mon, 18 Jun 2007 03:44:16 -0800

Weird problem with wireless modem / router - connection dies after 20 minutes. This is one issue that has failed me, the technical support guys, and Google. Coming in here as one of the last resorts :-)

I am using an Aztech DSL600EW wireless modem / router. It is hooked up directly to a desktop at home. I connect to it wirelessly on my laptop which I use at work and at home.

The problem is weird - after connecting for about 21-23 minutes (never more, never less) - the wireless connection on my laptop would fail. I cannot load up any websites - the connection is as good as dead. I'd also end up losing my local IP address.

Meanwhile, on the desktop computer connected via a normal network cable - everything's normal. The Internet connection is perfect. The only thing is that after the same 21-23 minutes, it would not be able to open up the router's web-based control panel (usually accessible via 192.168.1.1).

The only way to regain normal functionality is to reboot the router. Now imagine doing that every 20 minutes!!! Needless to say, my annoyance level is sky-high, even more so when there are no solutions to be found.

I've tried re-setting the router, looked up every configuration option, and even had the unit exchanged twice at the Aztech branch office - and the technical guy there didn't know what to make of it.

I don't think it's a problem with my laptop - I use another wireless connection in the office and that's fine.

So... someone HELP! Please...

Who said, "Humor is the politeness of despair?"

StopMakingSense — Sun, 03 Jun 2007 23:19:24 -0800

Who said, "Humor is the politeness of despair?" Googling it attributes it, variously, to Ionesco, Marcel Duhamel, Kierkegaard, Boris Vian and Chris Marker. Google is also curious if I mean "Humor is the politics of despair." Do I?

How to soothe a man in the twilight of his life, with literature?

mjao — Thu, 08 Mar 2007 05:09:40 -0800

What is a good book to buy for a bright, elderly man who: a.) has probably read everything, and, b.) is experiencing some level of despair due to his rapidly deteriorating body (he has motor neuron disease)? My partner's father, who I admire deeply, is turning 80 next month, and I'd love to be there to celebrate what could be his last birthday, but unfortunately I can't due to a university commitment. I'd like to send a book down as a gift, because he has such a sharp mind, and has always been a big reader. He is the type of man who would see a book as the best gift you could possibly give.

Being a 24 year old girl, I'm not sure I have read too many books that would appeal to somebody in his position. I'd like the advice of somebody perhaps a bit older or wiser than me, or perhaps a man!

To give you some idea of what he appears to like, I loaned him a book called The Geography of Thought : How Asians and Westerners Think Differently...and Why, and he ate it up. He loaned me a book called Blooming English, observations on the roots, cultivation and hybrids of the English language. He is Dutch, he loves spoonerisms and wordplay and he is very witty. He has retained his sense of humour even in his old age, except he finds it increasingly difficult to talk due to the MND.

Which brings me to my next point... I fear he may be battling with the "Integrity vs Despair" psychological stage. Last time I saw him, one moment he would be reciting poetry, but then the next he would be apologising for being "a baby"... i.e., needing to be helped out of his chair, unable to enunciate his words as quickly as his thoughts flew.

Does anyone know of any books, perhaps by some philosopher, which would help somebody in his position? I don't mean some kind of self-help book directly related to the topic, but something that would indirectly lift his spirits?

This may be a long shot but I'd appreciate any and all suggestions!

(p.s., This could be relevant -- his spiritual/religious leanings. He was a priest until he was 50 years old, I believe, but then he left the church and now he is an atheist. The way I've been led to interpret it is that joining the church, back in the day, allowed one to be a scholar? That was his main motivation.)

Severe rosacea flare-up: what to do?

rosemere — Mon, 05 Feb 2007 21:44:46 -0800

My rosacea has flared up really badly since December. I've gone from a rosy glow to angry red blotches and honest-to-God pustules for the first time. Yes, I'm going back to my dermatologist, but I need some hope that there is some damn thing out there that will help me. [more inside] I'm 46 and have had mild to moderate rosacea for over 10 years. Topical Metrocreme and Rosacure have helped keep it in check, and I got laser therapy three years ago with good results for some stubborn broken capillaries. (I'm the before and after at the bottom of this page.)

I'm trying to avoid the Toronto cold as much as possible, I'm keeping my showers as tepid as possible, and I'm watching out for food triggers. The antibiotic I got from my dermatologist when this flare-up first started is doing NOTHING. I'm applying my topical medications daily.

I don't know if the extra dry air is aggravating it (I have a bedside humidifier set up until we get the real one installed on the furnace), or if I'm getting close enough to menopause that this could be an issue.

I was planning another round of laser with my doctor this spring, but it's the flare-up and pustules right now that have me worried. Have you or anyone else you've known improved after a bad spell like this one? What kind of treatments have made a real difference?

:-(

Anonymous — Fri, 20 Jan 2006 19:12:02 -0800

My neck cracking habit is killing me. I crack my neck all the time. Some days it happens more than other days but I do it every single day at least 4 times.

On days where it's really bad I will crack my neck everytime I get a chance and my head neck and shoulders will feel sore all day long. Most of the time I use my hands to press my chin up to the side. Sometimes the tips of my fingers feel numb right after I crack it.

This is a disgusting, repulsive, terrible habit. I remember being totally grossed out by neck cracking before I started myself.

My mother who has the same unfortunate habit went to a chiropractor who told her that there were many cases of people who had quite literally *killed themselves* with overenthusiastic neck cracking. I have absolutely no doubt that if this is indeed possible it will happen to me if I do not stop soon.

I've tried before to stop. But then that tense/stiff feeling just builds up until I can't stand it until *snap crackle pop* ((bliss))

I want to be like how I was before I started this terrible habit when my neck just felt normal all the time. This is making me miserable. I can't afford to see a chiropractor on a regular basis.

Please, for the love of mankind, help me.

Lost Laptop Data

craniac — Fri, 03 Jun 2005 11:15:03 -0800

I'm posting for a friend who was using an old laptop running win95. One day it wouldn't boot, so they took it to "Geek Squad" at compusa or wherever, and they said they couldn't help. 1. Will I do more damage if I look at the drive with a linux boot floppy?

2. Could putting the drive in an external enclosure possibly help us extract data?

3. Is there a way to find which of the zillions of online data recovery services is reliable and fairly priced?

4. I believe the drive contains 20 single spaced pages of a novel in progress. Writers: Should she just try to recreate it?

Folksonomied Better Business Bureau

mecran01 — Tue, 19 Apr 2005 15:40:00 -0800

The better business bureau seems to be kinda worthless. Is there a generic website where I can go to rate local businesses that isn't awash with tons of ads or filler? I'm thinking something craigs-list-ish, but searchable, with Amazonian filtering (the website, not the large women, although that would be cool too). I think I just got ripped off by a tire store, and I'm tired of going through life a victim. Lazyweb, take me away! If such a site does not exist, would someone please monetize this idea right now and give me stock?