Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with desire

Hot for Grandma?

Bardolph — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 08:32:55 -0800

How do men's patterns of sexual attraction change as they age? That is, are older guys really attracted to older partners, or are they just being polite/settling for what they can get? Mostly just curious, but I've always been puzzled by the contradictory info one gets on sexuality and aging. On the one hand, related things like sexual orientation/fetishes don't magically change over the years, and since desire patterns are probably hardwired during adolescence, why would someone who's turned on by hot 20-year-olds at age 20 suddenly change that at age 40?

On the other hand, plenty of men seem to have active sexual relationships with their contemporaries well into old age-- the same guys who, presumably, would at age 20 have been horrified by the idea of sex with a 60+-year-old.

Obviously there'll be lots of individual variation, but I'm wondering-- what gives? Is it really common for men's fantasies to age as they age? Do older guys genuinely get turned on by/ desire the older women they sleep with, or is there some creative imaginative work going on to get them through the act? (Not asking about women because I am one, so I figure I'll find out firsthand as time goes by). Oh, and pls. none of the standard sentimental answers-- "sex is more about the connection," "Personality counts for more," etc., unless you (a) are a guy, and (b) can personally attest firsthand that these are accurate for you. Thanks!

Desire in a LDR

Anonymous — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 08:50:24 -0800

How do I not get mopey with no loving? My boyfriend and I have been together for 6-7 months. We're doing a ldr for a year starting this month. We do talk and I've seen all the threads on stuff to do while in a ldr. I've never been in an ldr in which my partner is across the country from me. Before I did ldr's where I got to see them on the weekends.

But I didn't see anything about... suppressing one's desire for sex with the SO for the time being... I'm worried that I'm getting mopey/depressed without any time of sensual/sexual stimulation from him. Even with masturbation, it's not really him. He doesn't seem to be into phone sex, or dirty emails or texts. So how do I squelch this urge? It's most bothersome at night, right before bed. I got so used to sleeping next to him, it's now a let down goind to bed without him. Is this normal for the first few weeks?

I do plan on seeing him around May/June, but I didn't know exactly what to do until then. I don't want to sit and mope every night without him, but some days that's all I want to do. I love him dearly and I want this to work. We can't shorten the time because I need a year to get done the things I want to do.

How do I not want sex for a year? And so it's clear, I'm not worried about cheating, I want to be intimate with my SO, not some random guy.

Peter Block books and more?

zeek321 — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 09:20:07 -0800

First world problems, analysis paralysis, and personal actualization: Book's similar to Peter Block's The Answer to How Is Yes? I haven't even read this book, actually. But, I probably will. Clarification inside. This is really a two part question. The first question is, do any of Block's more recent books articulate the ideas presented in Answer with more maturity and clarity? (I know all of his books revolve around similar themes.) Second, are there books by other authors that touch on these themes in similar ways?

Here's what led me to this book in the first place: On a personal level, I focus way too much on "how" for the things that matter most to me.

Generally speaking, for most areas of my life, I am neither a procrastinator nor a perfectionist. Most things in life are pass-fail, and I generally "pass" and don't look back. I think I use GTD pretty effectively--it stays in the background, and I spend very little time on it each week.

But when it comes to those most stirring visions, values, and dreams, I'll read twenty books on a subject, learn all sorts of things, but still feel like I'm spinning my wheels. It seems like I need a big, grandiose plan to motivate myself into some semblance of action, but then I waste all my energy by reading twenty books because I'm thinking, I don't know how to make this a reality. Or, If I start moving on this, I'll lose my vision and it'll all slip away. Or, I can't fully articulate this yet. I need to learn more. Rather than enjoying the experience of drawing, for example, I have to pick out and read the best book on learning to draw that there is. So maybe I didn't really want to learn how to draw in the first place? And yet, clearly I feel like something's missing. (Drawing is just an example, even though I did go through that phase. If someone put a gun to my head, I'd go with writing, speaking, and teaching.)

I act intuitively on all sorts of things, but I still succumb to analysis paralysis, over analyzing, and over researching on wants and desires that I can't articulate or won't allow myself to articulate.

Is another book the answer? I would vote, no... :) But clearly, "just do it," isn't going to work, because it would have already. I've skimmed through a bunch of creativity books like Twyla Tharp's, Steven Pressfield's, and several more.

Part of the problem, I think, is a tension between personal actualization and service, and an unflinching awareness of a finite lifespan. I realize these are good problems to have. Anyway, help?

WTB: madeleines

Beardman — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 12:10:12 -0800

What are some vivid examples of nostalgia in film and literature? Specifically, I'm looking for descriptions or depictions of someone nostalgically remembering their past. This could be a fictional character, a real person in a biography or memoir, or the narrator of a poem.

I've used the phrase "nostalgically remembering" at the risk of sounding redundant, in order to clarify that I'm not after films and books that are just "nostalgic" in the sense that they're about happy childhoods. What I need are depictions of the process of remembering itself. (So, for example, the fact that "The Remains of the Day" is a period piece doesn't suffice to make it nostalgic in my sense...contrast this with "Wild Strawberries," which also depicts a longing for the fin-de-siecle, but is about the protagonist longing for it.)

The more acute the longing, the better!

Any suggestions?

Vague_Blur — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 16:03:59 -0800

Is there an occupation easy to get into, self contained in regard to expectations, and sufficient? As I approached graduation from High School in 1999, I chose to pursue art in college. My life since has been strange and varied, I struggled through my B.A., the onset of 'mental illness', a religious awakening, and a change in contexts. Art is kind of out of the picture now, I hate it as much as I love it, I don't have any drive toward art, the passion part of making art is not there. I don’t care about expressing myself with art, I don’t really want to express myself at all, I just seem to be happening, I don’t feel the need to have anything to say.
My area is kind of economically depressed, the jobs I've gotten in the last few years have been short lived and have only really constituted underemployment at best. The meds I take for narcolepsy are expensive, like $650/month or so for the one I can't get shipped from overseas on the cheap. I'm not really career driven, my conscious is already pinched in the world's machinery enough as it is. I don't need much money, just enough to be independent. There seems to be an economic threshold for romantic relationships, I'd like to get over that too, sex and companionship seem legitimate as I can’t turn off my reproductive mechanisms. I need to make money now, consistently, and I'd like some advice on how to do that. Is there an occupation easy to get into, self contained in regard to expectations, and sufficient?

How long have people loved randomness?

obliquicity — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 11:17:23 -0800

What are some (and some of the earliest) instances of people shuffling things on purpose to get a random result? Is it possible to create a genealogy of the human desire for randomness? Are there academic studies of that desire/impulse?

This came up as a slightly goofy dinner topic which has since been hounding me, so I figured I may as well ask all of you. The basic premise of the question came up when someone posited that the iPod/equivalent's "shuffle" feature took advantage of a cultural preference for randomness over order. When, we asked collectively, did that preference first manifest itself?

Shuffling cards is an obvious answer -- but with cards, the randomness is simply the essential precursor to the creation of order through playing a game. In other words, the intended outcome of shuffling cards is to allow card players to re-create order for fun.

Similarly, fortune-telling techniques that rely on randomness (throwing bones; tea leaves; etc.) all seem to be about creating order out of randomness, rather than producing randomness for its own sake.

In fact, we're having trouble coming up with examples of randomness for its own sake at all -- can you?

More than once every 52 seconds

StrikeTheViol — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 17:44:48 -0800

I feel my libido is too high. How can I normalize it healthily and deal with it? I'm 22, and I've noticed my desire increasing very sharply over the past year or so. It's getting in the way of other activities I have and making it difficult to keep up with studying, as I'll frequently become distracted when even obliquely reminded of arousing things, even more than my high school years. I masturbate at least once daily, often more, but it doesn't satisfy, regardless of how long I take doing it, even extending beyond an hour. I've been on antidepressants, but I've found that sexual feelings remain, whether or not I get an erection.

I haven't done anything illegal or even particulary antisocial other than flirting with some women already in relationships, but I'm still a virgin and I think the way I approach women unconsciously as a result of this has actually cost me several opportunities for sex and sex play, among other things. I've been to multiple therapists, responses ranging from "just wait and it'll decrease naturally" to "It's perfectly normal" and that I probably should be happy my sexual stamina is so high. Other resources I've found include a Mormon pamphlet advising dunking the genitals in icewater, and some people with physical sex addiction problems that seem far distant from my experiences. Is that really all there is?

Japanese terminology

johnny novak — Thu, 17 Aug 2006 01:52:37 -0800

Looking for a specific Japanese term which refers to the intangible desirability of certain objects, something that very loosely translates as "the X-factor".

When what you wanted isn't good enough anymore.

stoneegg21 — Mon, 17 Oct 2005 20:15:16 -0800

How do you handle it when the job you always wanted turns out to not be what you want? I've always wanted to be a psychology professor since I was in high school. I've been here two years and I've started to realize I really don't want to be here anymore. I thought so much about what I would do, and planned it all out, and now I don't know what I'm going to do or where I'm going to go. I always had a map, and now I'm clueless. Has this ever happened to you? How do you go on when you don't know what you want to do?