Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with depression

Should I disclose my depression on university application?

Anonymous — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 07:45:34 -0800

I was diagnosed with depression and was in therapy for about an year. Do I disclose this on my university application? I am applying to an undergrad program at University of Waterloo and as part of the application, I am required to submit an additional form( (pdf here)

Question 5 on that application asks for any medical, personal or financial circumstances that may have affected my marks.

I was diagnosed with depression in September 2008 and was put in therapy. The therapy ended in August 2009. This did have an impact on two of my courses, Math and Computer Science. My marks for those two courses were 77% and 76%, respectively. All my other marks in highschool have been in high 80s or low 90s.

If it matters, I am in my final year of highschool right now and my mid-term average was 91%.

So my question boils down to this: Should I link those two marks with my depression or should I just let it all slide? Why or why not? Would disclosing my medical condition put me at any disadvantage when being considered for admission?

How not to turn away others just for being myself?

Anonymous — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 09:06:27 -0800

How to deal with coming into my own without alienating those I love? I've been depressed for many years and only now am coming to terms with it, planning on seeking therapy in the coming year, and trying to express my own personality, in small doses at first, with others. However, some people, most notably my family, seem to be taking my newly expressed personality badly. I don't consider myself a a particularly bad person, but even showing that I'm anything other than perfectly content seems to cause conflict.

I've always been the good son. The unassuming obedient child of the family that did what was expected of me and my family loves this happy perfect persona I've kept up for many years. But it's just not me. My whole life I've felt trapped into being this person and am trying to slowly bring my real personality out into the open among those I trust. But I've found that as I start to open up to more of my real self to others, the people that know "me" seem further away than ever. How do I become more of than the false idea of myself I used to project without driving others away? And how do I deal with a family that knows me only for what I've represented myself as, but not as a person with any real human emotions?

Help me figure out how to get treated for depression.

Anonymous — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 06:43:38 -0800

Help me figure out how to get treated for depression. I have been struggling with depression on and off for years.

In general I get so little enjoyment out of life, much less than I would think I deserve based on what other people say that they think of me. When something really fantastic happens I feel excited, but my mood quickly reverts to a feeling of dull dissatisfaction.

Then when something genuinely bad happens it is excruciating. Earlier this year I was laid off, and after some job interviews where I made it through multiple rounds only to be rejected, my girlfriend started cheating on me and made me move out of our house.

I am so depressed that it hurts. My brain feels like an engine running without oil.

I am in Scottsdale, AZ and I have Blue Cross Blue Shield health insurance. I am mid-20s male and otherwise healthy and so I don't really know how to go about this. What kind of doctor do I need? How do I find a good one? What do I tell them? Will they be able to make it stop hurting? How much will it cost?

It's the least wonderful time of the year

Anonymous — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 10:43:51 -0800

How to handle an abusive, alcoholic family for Christmas - now and in years to come? I am 25 years old, and have managed to (mostly) escape my emotionally abusive, alcoholic family. I only go home once a year...and that's for Christmas. Needless to say, this is my least favorite time of the year, and I'm freaking out about heading home in a few weeks.

I don't have many friends in my hometown anymore, and my family doesn't really venture outside the house. Basically, each Christmas is three or four days of drinking, screaming, weeping, cursing, falling over, and general angst.

Although I hope to eventually not go home for Christmas, right now it's just not an option. What I'm looking for are some good coping strategies to deal with holidays at home. How can I reduce my stress and fill the endless hours? How do I prevent myself from getting hurt when situations like the following happen?

- my grandmother gets too drunk to stand before dinner even starts
- my father screams at my mother to go lay down because nobody wants to look at her anymore and she's an embarrassment to her children
- my mother hides weeping in the basement and when I go to find her, she begs me to "throw her in rehab" if she ever gets as bad as my grandmother

(This was all last Christmas, by the way.)

Things I've done in years past include watching a lot of TV, playing on the internet all day, and altering my sleep schedule to limit the amount of hours my family and I are mutually awake.

One note - I don't drink during the holidays, because I see what it does to my family, and I also have an intense fear of losing control around them and bringing their wrath onto me.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I know this probably doesn't sound too terribly bad, but it hurts me a lot every single year and I would love to learn how to make it hurt less. Throwaway email is drunksmas@gmail.com.

Am I crazy or what?

Anonymous — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 18:44:24 -0800

Am I crazy or what? Not long ago, I'd voluntarily checked myself into a mental hospital for severe depression caused by a bipolar disorder of some stripe. Over the course of five days, I was given a cocktail of antidepressants and monitored (asked dumb questions) each morning.

Not knowing the limits of confidentiality, I'd mentioned owning a firearm during an early evaluation. When I decided to voluntarily check out, one of the formalities that I couldn't avoid was signing my gun over to a friend for thirty days. I did this, and reclaimed it after a month, as was allowed per the explanation of my case manager.

I'm assuming that because my stay was voluntary, and the remission of the firearm temporary, that I am not considered to have been committed to a mental institution, or adjudicated as mentally ill.

One of my favorite hobbies is taking a big group of friends to the shooting range. That's why I bought a gun, and all my friends own them as well. I didn't buy it so I could snuff myself out or hurt anyone else. What I'm unsure of is whether it's legal for me to own this weapon, and whether I'm eligible to purchase another, or to apply for things like ATF pyrotechnic licenses.

If you wanna lecture me, go ahead. I appreciate the concern, but am not really interested in ditching one of my few joys.

How can I resist the temptation to despair?

Anonymous — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 16:45:30 -0800

How can I resist the temptation to despair as I get older and still find myself unable to break consistent patterns of frustration in my work and personal life? (long) I am 39 years old and have just had the first successful year of my life in terms of career. After struggling for nearly two decades in boring, low-level jobs that didn't pay enough to enable me to move out of the family home, I entered a new field and did a hell of a lot of work with a hell of a lot of objective and measurable output to show for it. I had excellent feedback all year, mostly from my boss, but also from others.

Better still, I had enough pay and financial benefits to support myself into the future and, a couple of weeks ago, I finally paid off the debts I ran up over the two preceding years when I spent more time looking for work than I did actually working (and during which the cost of going to work was only slightly less than I earned).

I was looking forward to building on my successful year career-wise, and storing up some savings. I thought that finally I would be able to afford to go out once a week and maybe, with any luck, eventually meet someone special.

The only problem (as far as I knew) was that the job was very draining and exhausting, largely because of my boss's management style. She does things at the last minute and characteristically leaves us working towards externally imposed hard deadlines (i.e. the team won't get paid if they're not met) with insufficient time to meet them. She is always unresponsive to appeals for better time management and on one occasion I worked myself into exhaustion, such that I passed out and hit my head.

Over the last couple of months I became weepy and had to stay home sick a couple of days because of uncontrollable crying. I also couldn't force myself to work as fast as usual and had to work longer hours to compensate, meaning I got less and less sleep. I attributed this to the feelings stirred up by a colleague who had just moved on to a new job, but not before toying with my emotions quite severely while simultaneously making it clear that he was unavailable. This led to my thinking about what I still longed for in life that I couldn't have.

Not only this, but it was especially painful because I'd had no inkling that he was attracted to me and mutual attraction is something that has never happened before in my entire life. Yes, you read that right - not ever. I'm attracted to very very few people, and that, combined with geographical isolation (for economic reasons) and my ASD has basically meant a lifetime of utter singleness. There are men I could have dated, but they always seemed to me to have something glaringly undesirable about them. I often thought that perhaps I should have forced myself to go out with them even though I wasn't interested in them, but my instincts invariably turned out to be right. So I guess I'm glad I trusted my instincts but still... no relationships for me. (And I'm sure plenty of people will suggest that the unavailability is the attraction, but I have considered that and I'm pretty sure it's not true.)

Anyway, because I wasn't getting any sleep or any exercise and I never knew when I might be called upon to work myself into exhaustion again, my blood pressure went up. I was given 3 months to get it down again or be taken off some medications I rely on to function every day. So I had to tell my boss I needed to exercise every day and get 7 hours' sleep a night.

Unfortunately the moment I had to tell her was immediately after she yelled at me for booking a flight that landed the night before a conference, instead of travelling for a night and a day to get there an hour before the conference, with of course a full day's work on either side. She *said* she was okay with what I needed to do... what else would she say?

Meanwhile I had to accept that my weepiness wasn't going away and I entered treatment for depression and began to improve.

Although I knew my contract could come to an end at any time, my boss always downplayed this possibility and the feedback I got from others was always that she viewed me as someone who would be around for a long time. Besides, I had just interviewed two new recruits. So it came as a big surprise when I went in for my regular weekly meeting, and after talking over "you need to debug this, enhance that, and update the other," I then got, "and by the way I have to give you notice that your contract won't be renewed."

Still I was assured that it was nothing personal, and coworkers reassured me that I was bound to get a glowing reference and that I'd have known it if anything were wrong with the quality of my work.

A couple of days later it was appraisal time. I was shocked by how negative her review was. On the one hand I had glowing emails of appreciation that I got for completing certain projects, and on the other hand, I had low scores and negative remarks for those exact same projects in the appraisal. I got disparagement for doing things that I had on record that she explicitly ordered me to do. I checked my output against the expected norms for someone at my level, over against her criticism that I should have done more. I also contacted ex-coworkers for a reality check. Having gathered the evidence I put my case that her appraisal was inconsistent with both her feedback and my actual achievements, and that if my performance had indeed been as bad as she had presented it, I should reasonably have expected to hear about it a lot sooner. I reviewed my comments for diplomacy with a third party, and hoped for the best.

Her response was a 2-hour blast of negativity with no constructive content at all (honestly - none), accompanied by demands that I delete my comments, accept hers, and sign the document. (And that I was being mean to her.) Finally she agreed that our differing opinions would be recorded.

I felt drained, but glad I had stuck to my guns. So I go in the next morning for my regular weekly meeting, have a brief task review, and then end up trapped in her office for the better part of an hour while she demands that I retract my comments and sign hers and tells me, again, all the reasons why I deserve a bad review. And that I'm being mean to her. And lying. And that I'm just not able to take constructive criticism. And that I should stop wasting time and sign it right now. She wouldn't let me leave.

I still refused to sign it, and I eventually hit on the right combination of words to get me out of her office. I waited a while for my head to stop spinning, then I collected my things and ran home.

When I dared to look in my inbox the next day I found a conciliatory message saying she was sorry the appraisal had been upsetting "for us both". I reviewed her comments and found them acceptable, and agreed to sign off.

I worked from home that day but, when I got in the next morning, the anxiety got too much and I had to go home. I tried to keep working but I got so weepy I had to call the doctor, who signed me off sick until Monday.

So... that was a long story. I'll go in on Monday and do everything possible to keep my cool. I've taken advice and am fully aware of what my rights are. I'll be trying to get home early enough to apply for at least one job per day, as horrified as I am to have to go through all that again. I have ex-coworkers who fully support me and will provide references. Two medical professionals will back me up if necessary.

That's how things are. But this is how it feels:

When my 80-year-old mother dies, that will mean the loss of my one reliable source of companionship and support. She wants to put the Christmas tree up and I can't stand to because it means one more year has gone by and for all my efforts, I have still failed at life in the most basic ways:

- although I have many good friends, I'm so non-fun that I can't get anyone to hang out with me;
- although I have demonstrable talent, all it ever seems to do for me is get me fired;
- I am going to get into debt again and am unable to support myself at the age of nearly 40;
- I will almost certainly never have children;
- although I seem to be regarded as desirable by quite a few people (including the Handsomest Boy In The Village), this doesn't result in my being any less single;
- although the Handsomest Boy In The Village evidently has feelings of some kind for me, he can't or won't act on them.

I am haunted by temptation to reach the following conclusions:
- that I can't stand to live in a world where I will never succeed for failing;
- that I can't stand to live in a world where all love is theoretical;
- that I just can't stand it.

What can I do to stop thinking these thoughts?

Non responsive psychiatrist. Am I missing something or should I look elsewhere?

Anonymous — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 14:09:53 -0800

Third week of therapy. My psychiatrist has let me talk for 2 hours so far and not offered anything much in the way of a response to anything I say. I feel like I am spending a lot of effort and money to talk to a blank wall. Is this normal or should I be seeking a different therapist? I have problems with depression, anxiety and alcohol abuse. I am actively seeking treatment with a psychiatrist, and have had 2 sessions so far.

My sessions have involved me sitting in a chair for 3/4 of an hour, talking, with little or no response at all from the psychiatrist to anything I say. While I am not suicidal I have been experiencing suicidal ideation, and I am also dealing with the fallout from a siblings incarceration for a very serious offense. I am unemployed, not sleeping or eating much and finding it very hard to get out of bed in the morning to deal with the bare minimum of what I need to do. All of which I have brought up with the psychiatrist and been met with a blank stare.

The doctor has given me almost no response to anything I have said, with the exception of nodding when I said I felt like I was drifting. Is this a normal part of therapy with a psychiatrist? Am I missing something here?

I have seen a psychologist in the past who was very thoughtful and gave me feedback and insight on my thinking patterns and behaviour. However they are no longer available. I am attending group meetings for the alcohol abuse.

I am not looking for a prescription, just help. I don't know if this therapist is just completely incompatible with what I need, or if I am just not getting it.

Another bookfilter question

osloheart — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 14:18:12 -0800

Book recommendations for my slightly depressed mom.. My mom has experienced mild depression since her fight with cancer last year. She went through some painful complications and also found out she has some other health issues since then. I live far away and can't visit her often. Im going home for the holidays, and am formulating a little plan to spend a couple weeks of real quality time with her, take her out, try to cheer her up, and just be there for her. She is really really excited to see me, we have always been best friends and she says she feels lonely when Im away.
I have been trying to come up with some books I might get her for Christmas to help her stay positive when I am leave for school again. She has never been much of a reader and she lives a very simple life, but lately she has expressed some interest in reading. Im happy about this, I think it could help.

Thing is, I don't want to give her books that are obviously self-help type, I dont want to give her something that says "there's something wrong with you, here's another attempt at medication/therapy..." She struggles with weight and eating healthy and I dont want to add to her feelings of frustration with self-improvement. She knows I love to read, so its natural that I would encourage her to, too.

I would like some recommendations for easy reading literature with a happy, positive message. Maybe you have read something lately that was simple and nice and just lifted your spirits/ made you feel optimistic about life? Maybe a story with a mother-daughter theme?

I am grateful for your help :)

How to maintain good personal hygiene.

Anonymous — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 09:32:35 -0800

Need any help I can get overcoming a lifelong major set of bad habits, all related to personal hygiene. This is a really big question for me. I don't know if anyone else can help me, but I have to try.

I have terrible personal hygiene. I don't remember learning good hygiene habits as a child. My mother was severely mentally ill (and had iffy hygiene herself, and continues this way).

The extent of my problems, and I will be very honest: I can go months without showering. I brush my teeth maybe two or three times a year. I've never flossed. My hair is always tangled and full of lint because I only do it when I shower. I rarely wash my clothes. From grade school to my first job, authority figures (teachers, counselors, boss) would pull me aside about my BO. The shame wasn't enough to overcome it.

If you're wondering how I can live like this and still interact with the world, well, for the most part I don't. I typically go weeks without leaving the house, and then only if I have to (and often looking like a bum). That's been due to a number of mental and physical health problems, combined with natural isolation tendencies. I have done a lot of work with therapy and medications over the last few years, and I will continue to do so. My therapist and I agree that I have taken comfort in the way my lack of hygiene sets me apart and protects me from relating to others, even as it has hurt me. It's one of many isolation and invisibility techniques I have perfected since I was a little girl. I feel like I am at a point in my life when I have reasons to leave the house and be a part of the world. But I don't know how to overcome this hygiene issue.

Right now I'm superdirty. I can get myself past this. I can get all cleaned up and a few scrubbings later I'll be presentable. I can even maintain it for a week or two. I've done this many times before, but I just can't feel really whole if I don't maintain it. I don't know if I can or if I can't. I don't know if I've really changed this time, if I'm really ready. I don't feel like I have to get it perfect this time, and I can deal with setbacks, but I still want to do my best.

So I am asking if anyone has any advice or experiences or anything to share that can help me make the best at changing for good. I can be emailed at swagalicious@comcast.net.

Help Me Understand PTSD

Anonymous — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 07:03:39 -0800

I've just been diagnosed with PTSD. Please help me understand it. After years of unsuccessful attempts at medication and therapy, I'm in an intensive treatment program for depression. The psychiatrist who I am working with thinks that I have PTSD as the result of growing up with mother who had an unmedicated psychotic disorder and was chronically unstable -- deeply caring, but also paranoid, irrational, and prone to rages and outbursts based on even the smallest provocation.

Like most people, I associate PTSD with soldiers who've been traumatized by battle experiences. but what I experience fits the bill: flashbacks, nightmares, stimuli that trigger unfathomable and unmanageable emotions, and a terrible time managing anxiety and depression, which I remember feeling since I was 10 years old.

I'm not interested in claiming a diagnosis as a validation of just how bad my childhood was. Instead, I hope the diagnosis will shed some light on what I'm struggling with, and offer another angle on what's going on and how I could move forward.

So I'm trying to get a better (i.e. beyond Wikipedia) understanding of what PTSD is and how it works, especially how trauma is experienced and processed by the brain, its long-term consequences, and its relationship to the development and persistence of depression.

Your experiences, thoughts, and resources would be much appreciated.

Managing depression without meds?

Anonymous — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 11:24:48 -0800

I've had seasonal depression for much of my adult life. So far, I've managed to make it through each winter without ever having to resort to antidepressant medication. This winter season, however, I'm finding it harder than usual to stay on track. Can anyone recommend some strategies, exercises or even good books on managing depression med-free? I don't mean for my question to open the door to a debate on the effectiveness of the pharma route. Just a personal choice here. I really value the thoughtful advice of members here on askmefi, so thanks in advance.

Can you recommend a good book about the WPA artists program, or a great book that came out of the Federal Writers' Program?

Anonymous — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 11:29:02 -0800

Can you recommend a good book about the WPA artists program, or a great book that came out of the Federal Writers' Program? Bonus points if you know of a fictional story that uses it as the main theme. Recently my girlfriend and I spent some time going through the 1934: A New Deal for Artists exhibition at the American Art Museum in Washington. We both enjoyed it, and I plan on getting her the Smithsonian-produced art book for Christmas, but I was wondering if anyone has any suggestions on a historical book that looks at the WPA program itself, not necessarily what came out of it. A book discussing the rational, highlighting struggling artists, why it was important to fund the work, implementation of the program, etc.

She doesn't really read non-fiction (unlike me, who only reads non-fiction), so a fictional look at the WPA artists program would be amazing. I figure that probably doesn't exist, so recommend whatever you may have.

Also, if you know of a great book from the Federal Writers' Program, which was the same basic program but for authors, I'd love suggestions from that as well. I'm more inclined to give her a fiction book that came out of that program than a non-fiction book about WPA art.

(anon because it's a Christmas gift and my username is, in hindsight, far too obvious.)

Hippocampus shrinkage

Anonymous — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 20:22:36 -0800

I'm am massively depressed right now. I have my Masters dissertation to hand in next month but cannot do anything at the moment involving complex thought and haven't been able to for at least the past year. I have awful memory recall - I can read something, put the book down and cannot tell you a thing I have read - I can barely string sentences together, I cannot think abstractly; in short, I'm a mess. I'm petrified that after two episodes of pretty intense depression, my hippocampus is permanently damaged. I'm petrified that after two episodes of pretty intense depression, my hippocampus is permanently damaged. A lot of studies I have read on the subject seem to indicate that exposure of the brain to huge quantities of stress hormones over prolonged periods atrophy the two sides of the hippocamus responsible for memory and declarative learning. It appears such changes are permanent.

The thought that my hippocampus is damaged beyond repair is making me even more depressed. I am, or at least was, a very cerebral and creative person. Even if I can take some happy pills to convince my brain everything is okay, I don't want to if I'm going to remain stupid like this forever.

So, any neurologists able to tell me if these changes are indeed permanent?

I apologise for the messiness of this post. I really can't think at the moment.... Before anyone starts to worry, I'm not suicidal. I would never kill myself. I desperately want to live, but this is really getting me down at the moment.

Hi, I'm anonymous. Wanna make time?

Anonymous — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 10:28:08 -0800

How do I deal with my recently redeveloped confidence? I'm mid twenties and a male. I'm highly intelligent and educated, in very good shape and moderately handsome. When I was younger I was precocious, very confident and gregarious, but at about 13 I started developing severe cystic acne that would get worse for many years. At about 14 I started fighting sometimes deep depression, for which I was on Prozac briefly. I learned to deal with it on my own, and things weren't really any worse than most teenagers perceive them to be. By 16 or 17 I was in phenomenal shape from extensive involvement in sports and apparently confident and attractive enough that I was dating frequently. At 18, I was about to go to college, live with my best friend and continue my enthusiastic lifestyle. Then, without relating all of the stories in detail, I lost that best friend to profound schizophrenia, quit playing my sport, developed a serious drug addiction (to OTC sleeping pills of all things), moved mostly alone to a new town, and became entangled in a two-year relationship that I wasn't ready for and felt I never consented to. I got out of shape, my acne got worse, and all of these things combined into some deep guilt, depression and general self-image issues. All of the standards, suicidal thoughts, alcoholism (I'd kicked the pills sometime during the relationship), struggling in school, etc. I couldn't see how things could change. I haven't been on a date in four years, since passive-aggressively driving the girlfriend to end things.

But wait! It gets better! I don't know if I started growing out of the hormonal things, or if I just bootstrapped myself up over the years, but lots of things started happening. In no particular order, I switched majors to something that I love and excel in, began taking Accutane (acne med) which is helping greatly, and started exercising regularly to the point that I'm in almost as good of shape as I was at my peak, became financially successful, learned to drink in moderation, and learned to dress. Bearing some relationship to all of this, my spells of depression have been getting shorter and shallower to the point that they've been nothing more than normal, temporary bad moods for some time now. More to the point, my confidence levels have been high and (this is key) non-manic. So things are going well, and have been for long enough that I'm no longer afraid of breaking the spell by talking about it.

Here's the question part: What do I do now? It's been a long time since I either got or allowed myself to perceive any attention from females, and since the confidence levels have been the most recent development which is corresponding to a perceived increase in said attention, I think I can verify that confidence really is key.

I've been getting much more attention from acquaintances, cashiers, girls on the street, wherever, which I enjoy. However, I have no experience to deal with this. I don't know how to "make a move" on someone at a party, or the protocol about asking out a waitress, liquor store cashier, or smiley girl on the street. For that matter, I'm not even sure that this attention points to the possibility of romantic attraction rather than general friendliness. The last time I was "macking" as it was called then, my main tactic was, "wanna come over and watch a movie?" Which, while possibly still viable, isn't the silver bullet it used to be with roommates around.

What do you think? How can I figure these things out? I want to date again. I want a good relationship again. I don't want to be celibate.

Discount therapy?

Anonymous — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 15:05:15 -0800

I need a prescription for meds for depression in central/western Florida. And therapy, if that's possible, but it's mostly for the meds. I'm asking for a friend who has no insurance. Therapy isn't absolutely necessary (but is preferred). Is there some search engine or a way to locate a less expensive therapist who works on a sliding scale?

I understand it's possible to get a prescription from a regular doctor for something like Zoloft, is that avenue worth pursuing?

Throwaway email is hazcheapmeds@yahoo.com. Thanks!

Schizoaffective question

villazapat — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 06:21:24 -0800

Has anybody ever dated someone whom is schizoaffective, which is a combination of a mood disorder and psychotic symptoms. If you have , have you experienced being dumped without an explanation when you thought everything was going well.

Mom at her wit's end / Therapy in San Diego

Anonymous — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 11:49:55 -0800

My mom has always had high anxiety, been prone to fear and pessimism, and has tended to focus on her fears in a very repetitive, verbal way that is often tiring to those around her. Her situation has worsened recently for several reasons. I want to help her find help. This question is both about therapy in general and for recommendations in San Diego in particular. I've been thinking about writing this question to metafilter for several months. This was pushed over the edge this morning when, upon arriving to visit for thanksgiving, my mom opened the floodgates to me, telling me that she now wants to finally take antidepressants after resisting for many years. I told her that I'd like her to at least consider trying alternatives beforehand, particularly cognitive behavioral therapy and meditation techniques, as I (and in the case of the latter, her former therapist) have been encouraging her to for many years. I think both of these hold a lot of potential, as her current method for coping with stress largely involves focusing an incredible amount of mental activity on the problem, usually spinning it out to catastrophic fantasies, and telling stories about both the facts of the situation and her imagined scenarios repeatedly to family members, friends, etc. She seems open to cognitive behavioral, but is skeptical about meditation, as she thinks it is useless because she can't stop thinking when she tries to meditate. When I tell her that is exactly WHY she should keep trying, she gives me a tired look. Part of the problem here, really intertwined with all of the problems I'm talking about, is that I know my mom is a perfectionist and cannot stand the thought of failing at anything. She'd usually rather not try.

I love my mom deeply and don't want to understate my empathy. In the past, it seemed that she had a tendency towards what some call "destructive emotions," forming perceived rivalries with co-workers, losing friends and allies (professionally and personally) through acts that she (often understandably) perceived as deeds based on good principle, and being constantly hurt and dismayed through these processes. It's one thing to be stubborn, quite another to be stubborn AND insecure about people's perceptions of you at the same time.

Recently events have pushed her stress to a boiling point. Her brother died last year at 61 years old of lymphoma. Even though she was never very emotionally close to him, and in fact considered him worth a large part of the blame for the development of her insecurities (he really wasn't a very nice brother when they were young, in terms of self-esteem - putting her down, excluding her, etc.), she says that she still cannot stop thinking about her grief, primarily because she cannot accept that she will never speak to him again. These events have also combined with the condition of my 91-year-old grandmother, living in a condominium in Florida, who seems to perhaps be finally entering a real cognitive senescence, probably not coincidentally as her friends and other points of social contact progressively die and move away. My mom feels great guilt at leaving grandma out there, does not know if she can afford to take her in, and is disturbed by some dementia-like events, such as grandma becoming convinced that her son's (my mom's brother's) body was misplaced and that he is somewhere other than his grave.

I almost hesitate to even describe the next. About two weeks ago, my mom found my dad nursing a bottle of vodka in the garage. He had apparently been going like that (not every night, but consistently) for 2-3 years. Dad called me and my brother to tell us he had a problem, but has insisted to mom that he resolve this on his own, in private. In general, dad is not very emotive (this is largely due to his having a very abusive father), which does make he and my mom an odd couple in many ways. I do not agree with his method and plan to talk with him about possibilities such as AA, as I take his alcoholism to be related to a self-isolation that he should deal with more head-on (an issue perhaps worth its own mefi question, but not just yet.) In the meantime, mom also tells me that my life choices have been grieving her. In particular, as a PhD student, I have taken up field research on the US-Mexico border. Suffice to say for now that I think I have taken the right precautions, but she thinks the whole endeavor is unnecessary, that I am naive, and that it is appropriate on her part to respond by staying up at night worrying about me. Regardless of the impact of each of these individual factors, she tells me that she can barely get to sleep at night these days, and she shows many signs of fatigue and emotional fraying.

Now that I have aired an incredible amount of dirty laundry: do people think that I am right to suggest that she try other things before antidepressants? My main issue is that I see a coping problem. I think my mom is deeply, problematically "in her own head," and that if she could spend time with someone skilled at disassembling her kneejerk emotional pathways, that maybe she could begin to deal with her problems differently, find more empathy with others, take solace in what she has, and not dedicate so much mental energy to catastrophizing. She has always been an extremely high-stress person; she has also alienated herself from people, for as long as I can remember, due to her way of turning social interactions into a forum for a sort of firehose-let-me-tell-you-about-all-my-problems activity. (Her immediate family members deal with this differently. She considers me the only one who consistently listens and actively talks with her about it. My dad and brother both tell me that they frequently tune out because they feel unable to grapple with all of it.) It seems to me that this is about more than antidepressants, and that if she took more time to step outside her normal pathways of mental storytelling, maybe she could gain perspective and deal with these things differently.

So, depending on your answer to the question about antidepressants, I wonder if anyone has advice on therapists in the San Diego area who might be good for this situation, whether because they specialize in cognitive behavioral therapy, work on mindfulness techniques, or something else. I thank you for even considering the situation and apologize for the lack of succinctness. It's a tough one for me.

Possible hormone deficiency?

Anonymous — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 15:45:59 -0800

I think I may have a hormone deficiency. I plan to see a doctor. What should I expect? I (male, late twenties) have recently started to suspect I have a hormone deficiency. This is very unscientific, based on internet diagnosis, but the symptoms seem to fit: depression, fatigue, low sex drive, trouble building muscle/burning fat even when I work out regularly. I'm thinking of going to a doctor about it, but I don't know what to prepare for.

For one, I'm currently unemployed and without health insurance. There's a good chance that will be rectified within a week or two, but no guarantees so I'm anxious about anything that might lead to expensive tests or treatments or be considered a pre-existing condition.

As for the clinical stuff, I don't want to come off as a hypochondriac, or worse yet that I might be trying to finagle some legal steroids (thinking about Bigger, Stronger, Faster* here). What would be a good way to broach this issue with a doctor? Also, is this something I would just bring up with a GP or should I be making an appointment with a specialist?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Unblocking the emotional dam - slowly!

Anonymous — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 08:30:12 -0800

How can I make space for my emotions and feel safe letting myself feel them? I've recently started seeing a psychologist, who pointed out last week that despite being female, I have a very "masculine" way of dealing with things - or rather, not dealing with them. I hadn't actually noticed until she said it, but my entire life I've kind of shut off any "weak" emotions - even as a child I only cried once in primary school - and tried to just be stoic about things. I used to think this was a good thing but I'm beginning to realise it's not really helping me. I am now in recovery for an eating disorder which for a long time I didn't even realise I had, and now that I am not using starvation as a coping method, I'm aware that a lot of painful stuff is bubbling just beneath the surface and it's going to have to come out some time but I'm afraid to go there - meanwhile, I'm getting bouts of depression etc. A year ago I left a very unhealthy relationship totally heartbroken and destroyed. I tried to deal with this in the way a guy would (never speak of it again + conquests) but I know it's just a temporary measure and I'm STILL not over it. All the hurtful things in my life I've always just acted like they didn't affect me and belittled with jokes if anyone asked. But underneath I feel like something is broken inside me and I'm too scared to touch it in case I fall right apart. I have trouble sleeping and lots of bad dreams. I know I have to face this but my therapist appointments are a week apart.

I'm looking for any tips on how to go about this (I have tried journalling and writing unsent letters but am looking for other ideas, especially for when it's dark and quiet and these thoughts start to come up) - just blocking it out and trying to hurriedly move on with my life doesn't seem to be working anymore but I don't want to get "stuck" in this stuff either. Meditation techniques or something might be good. Maybe if I can set aside a half hour each day or something? There are some things that I almost start to think about but then it feels like putting my hand back in a fire that burnt me once so I quickly change the subject in my head. What would happen if I allow myself to go there? Should I? Can one really "process" past hurt or is it masochistic to revisit it in your head? Is it necessary?

What's worked for you? How do you process really painful stuff? Were you scared that you'd lose yourself in the grief? Is it a good or bad idea to talk to people (friends) about this stuff or better to just continue to pretend to be ok? Anecdotes and advice appreciated!

The stupidest miracle

Lacking Subtlety — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 17:39:23 -0800

I just did something banally amazing. Now I'm overcome with a profound sense of dread. Is this legitimate? We just had some down time at work and we were throwing paper airplanes. Now I should say, that we never have downtime at this job, but this was different because our computers were down. So the fact that people kind of went nuts with the opportunity to play around and were super-into designing awesome paper airplanes.

Anywho, someone was watching us from down the hall and said, "Hey! someone throw it in here!" and placed a tall, thin glass on edge of their desk... this was a good 47 feet away, no lie. My co-worker tried first and it only went about 15 feet. Then I went.

I lined up and said the words "it's in there like swimwear" aloud in a sort of faux-pompous idiocy, then tossed it so nonchalantly, like I did it everyday. It had perfect arc. It swooped down, then back up for second, and went right into the freaking glass. Seriously this glass is a good three to three and half inches wide at best. And again 47 feet away (we retroactively measured it). Needless to say, when it happened people celebrated like we just one the Superbowl. People tried to replicate the event for the next hour and no one even came within 10 feet of the glass. People can't stop talking about it.

So Now Then.

About 3 hours have passed and I have been overcome with this weird sense that I will never, ever, in my entire life be so lucky or do something as great as this... I'm being serious. I know this is nowhere near as important as 99% of the things in my life, but I still feel a genuine sense of dread that what happened was just the coolest, and sadly most interesting thing I will ever do in my entire life. I am rather upset about this.

I realize there is nothing more trivial in the entire world as what I am saying. It was a funny, flukely, silly thing that involved coworkers and bored editors. No one else will care. And yet I am extremely bothered. I have no reason to feel like this. Also, I am not normally like this, as I am generally a worry-free and positive person.

Why would something so utterly trivial and stupid, actually bother me? Is anyone else effected by a whimsical situation that they feel has some sort of grand karmic affectation on their actual life?

I honestly just feel like I just used up my quota of luck.

Is this insane?

The correct answer is yes.

But is it insane to feel that way nonetheless?

What are the negative unintended consequences of medical marijuana?

Anonymous — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 12:03:47 -0800

What are the unintended, negative consequences of having a medical marijuana prescription? I've hit a point with my anxiety where I literally cannot function anymore. I am on antidepressants already, and have sedatives for when I anticipate an anxiety attack, but they aren't working- I feel like the antidepressants don't do anything at all, and the sedatives knock me out cold- and I'm already on the minimum dose.
In the past I have been a non-user, a full-on stoner, and an occasional, recreational user of marijuana. I mean this honestly (and I type this while sober)- the happiest, most productive time of my life was when I smoked on a daily basis. It was the first time I was ever able to hold down a job, I was in the best shape of my life (I had a six-pack!), and my anxiety attacks disappeared. So, now I am considering getting a medical marijuana prescription. I'm not trying to get high- I am hoping to consume low doses of edibles, just enough to get rid of my anxiety.

However: the whole thing just seems too easy. Even though it is now legal in California, are there consequences I'm not considering? Will this show up on background checks? Can I be denied a job for using medical marijuana? Somewhere, I remember hearing that if you have a medical marijuana prescription, you can be denied financial aid for college- I just applied to graduate school, and I'm going to need financial aid.

In short, I need to know every negative consequence that they don't tell you about when you want to become a medical marijuana user.

Letting go of God: Help me deal with my atheism and the five stages of grief. I'm in the fourth stage now.

Anonymous — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 08:57:30 -0800

Please give advice on how to accept my atheism, let go of God and the need for one, how to get over the fourth stage of grief/letting go (depression), and how to find my passion for life again! Hello, hivemind.

I'm from a totally Bible-banging family (Creationists, End Timers, warped-Republicans, sexist, homophobic and a little racist). I haven't been a Christian for going on six years now, ever since I read the Bible all the way through and decided it was a total piece of junk filled with violence and hatred toward other faiths, women, etc. I know I don't believe in the Christian God, or, it seems, any religion or philosophy akin to it (no, not even Buddhism), as I have read many religious texts, apologetics and more besides and just don't feel there's any evidence for any of it. Simply put, I appear to be an atheist...at least as far as labels go.

The unfortunate thing is that I'm not handling this too well, and it has recently occurred to me that I have been going through what can best be identified as the five stages of grief, which just annoys me to no end! (I'd just like to get on with my life!) The whole not believing in God/gods thing has really been like a death in the family, so to speak...it's frustrating and painful. I'm specifically not having what I would consider healthy reactions to my lack of faith, which is a major reason that I've chosen to post this, rather than just rely on the great advice that I could find in similar questions from the past.

Maybe I should first talk about the five stages.

For one year, I was in denial. Even though I didn't believe in God, I continued to say that I did and tried to push through. I came up with lots of excuses as to why my doubts were happening. I read a lot of Christian apologetics that I didn't agree with in that time, in an attempt to act like things were okay with me and the Big Aggressive Creator in the Sky. I even avoided competing ideas. I prayed lots. I lived as closely to the Bible as I could, without totally ripping myself of my own thoughts regarding ethics and morality.

That didn't work, and I ended up getting angry. I was angry at the concept of God, angry that I couldn't seem to believe in it and angry that I had believed in what I felt was myth. I was angry at my family for bringing me up in extremism, as well as at all the borderline-abusive things they did in God's name, all the things they kept me from, because they were "of the devil". I was angry that I couldn't have lived "normally, like most people", in either moderate faith or no faith. In a weird sort of way, I was even angry that I was having to think about any of it. I couldn't decide whether I wanted to go back to the blind faith I'd had or bypass all of it, but I was angry that the issue had cropped up. I read everything I could get my hands on at this time, be it scientific or religious. I feel like I read more during this time than any other time of my life. I wanted to learn, so I could actually form my own opinions.

Another six months to a year passed, and bargaining began. I tried to live some form of very mild Christianity to agnosticism (Jesus was a good man; the Bible's a good "moral" text), thinking, "If I just do this, it will be the best of both worlds. I won't have any more problems. Things can work out this way." The idea was that I could still keep up with a religious community, be everyone's friend, etc. The reality, however, was that I began to identify less and less with Christians/Christianity/more religious people on the whole, with only a few exceptions, and that more of my friends slowly but surely ended up being agnostic, all the way to militant atheists. Not trying to step on any Mefi toes, but to be honest, the agnostics/atheists in my life were the only ones who didn't seem to be insecure, lying jerks most of the time, so it seems almost inevitable that things turned out the way they did. (Big disclaimer!!: I know this does not represent all Christians, just my experiences with some of them. I still even have some Christian friends, but not many.) I didn't go searching for my "heathen" friends, but we found each other. We gravitated toward one another, as our core philosophies were now similar. I also found/find myself annoyed by most religious people these days, but I never say/do anything regarding that. I try to accept where possible and be silent, when I feel myself unable. I married a mild-mannered, sugar-sweet atheist guy. My watered-down Christianity turned to full-blown agnosticism around the time I met him, as a result of all these experiences and changes.

I was happy with my agnosticism for a year, to year and a half, but recently I've noticed, as far as labels go, I am more of an atheist. To this very moment, though, I've not said aloud to anyone, not even my husband, that I actually consider myself an atheist. I don't know why the label means as much as it does, other than I know that if religious people dislike me now as an unbeliever, many will hate me as an atheist, even if that's what I most closely identify with... I guess I can't help but not want people to not hate me, even if they're extremist whack jobs. The label means a lot to me, too, though, because I'm really tired of lying about how I feel and think.

This seems to have put me in the fourth stage of grief, depression. I feel sad that I can't buy into the comforting stories I once did, sad that I can't agree with my family as far as faith goes, sad that I'm not accepted by tons of religious people (including family) when they find out I'm an unbeliever (even when I am accepting toward them), sad that I no longer believe in life after death or guiding forces in the universe. I think we are here, we die, and that's it, and that notion depresses me. I don't think there's any evidence to the contrary, however, so I'm bound to it...whether I like it or not. I know we can't know what happens "on the other side", but I highly doubt it's anything spectacular. I highly doubt it's anything at all.

I want to get to the fifth stage of grief, where I accept myself and the death of my religion and faith, but it just seems so impossible at this stage. As said, some of my reactions to my own atheism aren't healthy. For instance, I have lost my passion for a lot of life, which is bad for me in more ways than one, considering I am a professional artist and writer and need to feel and create accordingly. I miss my sense of wonder. I feel wonder at the universe, but it's a head-wonder, not a heart-wonder, like I felt with spirituality. I'll agree with Carl Sagan and my fellow atheists and agnostics that it's amazing to think about how statistically unlikely it is that I'm here, that the planet works the way it does, etc. I'll agree that, because of all these things and my finite time here on earth, I should value every second I have and live it to the fullest, without apology...

But I can't seem to...

I am amazed by the world, but that doesn't drive me. In fact, it's all the opposite. It makes me feel like there's no point. Amazement is just part of it, but it doesn't particularly mean much. I realize that, without "something behind everything", it doesn't matter one iota (speaking from a selfish perspective here) whether I build great things or just sit on my couch and rot, whether I live to be 100 or die tomorrow. It will matter to some, but not to many, and not for long. It's like, what am I trying to prove to anyone or to myself now? How on earth does any of it matter if it's just this tiny bit of time I have? I'd like to help people, and while I realize that while I do touch some people's lives, and that does make me happy, the odds are against my helping a significant number of people in my lifetime, try as I might, so it all feels a little hopeless and pointless still. Death depresses me immensely, and rather than living my life more fully as a result, I just have ended up somewhat stagnant...blahed and mehed out.

Please note that I'm actually not depressed in other areas of my life, just this one. But it does...influence...the other areas, from a foundational perspective, so it definitely needs to be seen to. I think it's affecting more, too, as time goes by. I appreciate the concept of life, but I don't really feel compelled to do much with it now, without the notion of some sort of equilibrium in the universe (carried out by a creator, karma, whatever). I mean, I do what I need to and try my best, but I'm not striving toward things like I once was. Without a reason behind things, so much stuff in the world seems overwhelmingly random and unfair and out of my control. (I think this is one of the reasons there are so many moderate Christians, even. People keep some idea of God, just so they can pray about the things they can't control, to comfort themselves.) I can't even pray about any of it, though, and I think the concept of sending good thoughts toward it all is just as silly. I've tried giving myself rituals, but it just doesn't work. I always feel silly.

So, hivemind, I guess what I want to know, after all my heathen rambling, is how do I peacefully come to accept my lack of faith and not having a god in the world? How do I regain passion for life, despite feeling everything is off balance without a godly figure? I've tried listening and reading some things, like Julia Sweeney's personal story, and while helpful and something I could identify well with, it's never gotten me over the hump. I'd appreciate personal advice, recommendations of what to read/listen to/do...anything, really.

Throw-away email: atheistic.blues@gmail.com

Thanks, guys and gals.

Tell me about your experience on Citalopram (Celexa / Cipramil).

SebastianKnight — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 06:58:53 -0800

I'm about to start a course of Citalopram (Celexa / Cipramil). What should I know in advance? Despite some serious misgivings I've decided to try antidepressant medication for some ongoing depression/anxiety issues. I've been prescribed 20mg of Citalopram to be taken every morning and will be seeing my GP (in the UK) for supervision at regular intervals. I'm hoping that after a few weeks my sleep pattern will be back under control and my judgement less impaired by low mood, anxiety, and exhaustion. If that works out then I'll be in a better position to tackle any underlying issues and generally stop making so many dumb decisions. Here's hoping, anyway.

If you have any experience on Citalopram (Celexa) or similar SSRIs, is there anything you wish you'd known before starting? I'm aware of the potential side-effects and withdrawal symptoms and at this point I'm prepared to take my chances. I'm most interested in your thoughts on the first 8 weeks or so of being medicated. If you'd like to add a comment anonymously, send me a mefimail and I'll paste it in below.

I'll take the first dose this Saturday after asking a GP friend for a second opinion. Can you think of anything I should ask that hasn't been covered above?

(I'm not seeing a therapist, but I am going to start working through Feeling Good as soon as I can. Previously I've used online CBT but found it overwhelming. If you want to talk about therapy, could we do that by mefimail instead? My diet and exercise regime are okay and pretty crappy, respectively. My family/social support network is good.)

Study method for the one who feels hopeless?

Taft — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 06:34:42 -0800

I'm uncomfortably depressed to the point of feeling completely hopeless...but I need to pass my classes. Can anyone recommend a good study/homework method that worked for you in hard times? When I get home I completely turn off inside, and it's drastically affecting my grades. I'm seeing a therapist for the depression, but I need a short-term plan for passing my classes.

I'm currently a junior in highschool, so dropping out for personal reasons won't work. Thanks in advance.

Is it depression and am I making it worse?

brisquette — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 16:10:57 -0800

Every night that he comes home and winds up browsing the internet for hours, I feel like I'm going to scream. Am I a nagging worrywort, is my boyfriend mildly depressed, or both? And what's the best way to work on it? My boyfriend (Charles) and I have lived together for about two and half years, since he moved to this state. We were thick as thieves to begin with, but as our relationship nicely mellowed we became more okay with not spending all of our time together. However, way back in January we had a discussion about how he needs to reach out and find his own community of some sort. He then had some dramatic medication-related mental health issues that pushed that goal to a back burner while we tangled with the craziness, but around middle of summer stuff felt like it was back to normal, and the lack of friends and interests became an issue.

I feel like Charles doesn't have any friends, really. There's one guy (Joe) who he chats with sometimes who shares a similar background (computer stuff, history, online gaming), but that guy has a freelance sort of web business and I get the impression that they could be closer buddies if Joe wasn't so busy.

I think part of the not-having-friends thing is rooted deeper in a lack of interests. Recently, it seems like unless I make something happen (plan dinner, arrange events), he won't do anything except be on the computer. I'm pretty sure he doesn't play WOW or anything anymore, and it's just random browsing and searches that he uses as a path of least resistance to his evenings.

The last couple of things we did with other people didn't seem to go that well. We went to a large dinner last weekend, and although I know he's not as chatty as I am, even when we were in a circle of three people whose conversation showed them to be funny, nerdy, and non-judgemental, Charles' answers to their questions were flat and monosyllabic, almost. A couple of friends we've hung out with several times were over at our house, and as one of them fixed our guitar (which Charles has talked about learning), Charles sat on the couch in the room, browsing the internet. Later, when our friend offered to teach him a chord, Charles said he was tired and wanted to go to bed.

It seems like it's rooted in a mild depression. He had a really bad experience with a psychiatrist and depression meds, so maybe that's why he doesn't want to admit it?

I just feel like he's not trying anymore. I brought it up a couple weeks ago when we were out (the only people tucked in the side room of a bar), and as I kept asking questions about what he wants to do and what he feels, he wound up getting totally upset and standing up and having a kind of aggressive freakout because I wouldn't let it drop. He was apologetic later and said he'd work on things, but hasn't shown too many signs of following up on the conversation. I've sent several e-mails where I've tried to outline things and not be too accusatory, so I'm not in his face as much and so it gives him time to think about it, but he hasn't responded to those.

When we wake up together in the mornings, he's usually sweet and loving, but by the time he gets home in the evening, or when I come home in the evening, he's usually withdrawn. I asked him about the difference between the two times, and he says he really only looks forward to going to bed, and why do I bother him so much? He only wants to do easy things, other stuff is too hard.

So that kind of sounds like depression, right? But I'm sure it can't help if I just nag about it and make him feel bad. But I'm sick and tired of going through ups and downs, especially when he denies that it's an issue.

The other night, I basically gave him three options.
1.) Move out in January and do his own lazy thing (we wouldn't need to be broken up, neccessarily, he just would need his own space to be in because he's driving me nuts).
2.) Agree there's a problem and set accountable behaviors for us to work on (me giving him space, him getting out of the house), and going though the Feel Good Handbook together.
3.) Agreeing there's a problem but that neither of us have the right tools to solve it, and calling in either a professional or someone we both respect to figure out how to solve things.

He hasn't responded yet.

I'm 26, he's 23. I'm relatively happy where I am (decent job, fledgling creative endeavors that seem to be going good places, pleasant enough rented home), he mostly seems lackluster and like he doesn't care about anything...except sometimes, on the days where he does care about things. Unfortunately it seems like caring about things needs follow through, so when you only care 2 days out of the week, it makes plans difficult.

So am I handling this right? What else should be happening, here? Is it fair to be this annoyed at someone who's probably depressed, because their constant web browsing and withdrawnness is bringing me down when I'm trying to work on my own creative projects and live a normal life? If he agrees to work on things, what should our parameters be?