Ask MetaFilter posts tagged with depression

how can I cheer up my depressed mom?

osloheart — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 18:36:39 -0800

How can I help my mother deal with anxiety and depression after going through cancer? About six months ago, my mom finished treatment for breast cancer. She had to have a mastectomy and it was a long scary process, but now she is a survivor. For the first couple of months after chemo she was eating all organic foods and taking extremely good care of her health, and she seemed to have a new outlook on life. I was so happy to see her never getting upset about minor things anymore and to see her exercising, socialising, etc. Everyone was so happy, my dad was promising that they would take the vacations they kept putting off. It was like a whole new beginning.

And then it sort of went downhill. Mom has had steadily increasing pain throughout her body, which finally after three months of tests they may have diagnosed as rheumatoid arthritis. It has gotten worse and worse and the stupid doctors just keep throwing more pills at her. Most of them make her drowsy, dizzy or sick, so she stops them, and we are all now very worried about the amount of prescription pain med she takes, but without those she can barely walk because of the pain. Lately she has been having severe hot flashes too. So Ive walked in on her crying in her room a couple of times. She sleeps most of the afternoons and she eats fast food and ice cream. She is also very sensitive to little things, she is often worried and anxious and has crazy mood swings. We were in the store the other day and she burst out with this desperate look on her face "We dont have enough money for this!" and I was surprised and embarrased, she never does things like that. She is often on the verge of tears over things, and I just dont know how to react.

I think she feels sort of defeated. She watched her mother's cancer come back three times and finally took her life, and I think she is scared. And I think she feels like it doesnt matter now if she eats healthy or exercises so she may as well get comfort from food or whatever... Im not really sure what shes thinking. All I know is that she is really bummed and to top it off her and dad are fighting about money and not planning their holidays anymore.

Im moving away for college in a few weeks (a few hours away). I am so worried about leaving her here, she is so depressed all the time.

What can I do??? Is there a great book I can buy her for her birthday next week that would inspire her? (She isnt much of a reader, though, and she might get offended and depressed again if I give her a self-help book for her birthday). What else can I do that would help?

Any ideas are appreciated. Im really overwhelmed and sad. I want to help her, but I dont know how.

Thanks a bunch :)

Help me to help my girlfriend find a therapist.

Anonymous — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 12:56:38 -0800

Help me to help my girlfriend find a therapist. I specifically need advice as to whom I can contact, what websites I should look at/numbers I should call to find something that could possibly be covered by her insurance, as well as what type of therapy might be best for her.

She has fibromyalgia, as well as having some pretty heavy self-esteem issues. She's long been very cynical/skeptical about therapy at all, though she's now at the point where she's willing to at least set foot in the door. The archetype of the therapist who impassively sits there waiting for her to pour her heart out is not going to work for her. She has some very real emotional trauma she needs to work through and that she is very slow to open up about to anyone. A situation where I can be included in some capacity would be good (though I hesitate to say what we need is couple or group therapy), just because she's very reluctant to go alone.

We're in Orange County, CA. She has state coverage through Medi-Cal and Health Net, as well as coverage through her parents on Blue Cross. I'm just largely ignorant about how one even goes about finding a therapist at all, so any pointers in that direction in our area would be helpful.

Any private responses can be sent to: anonaskmetherapy2000@gmail.com

Fizzled Out on Passion

divabat — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 02:36:41 -0800

Depression has knocked my passion (for everything) out. Gwargh. What do I do while I get therapy sorted? I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety for about six years, and have been on and off treatment for that time. Last year (after about 3 years of being treatment-free) I had a bad relapse and went back on medication (Effexor XR) and counseling. They helped, and I was getting better, but recently I had a big setback and never managed to recover properly.

I've found that this wave of depression has robbed me of the ability to feel passionate about everything. I was once really passionate about changing the world (in various ways), and was invited to an exclusive summit last week for 100 other young passionate people. I felt like a dullard next to them - I didn't feel like I had anything of substance, and at one point I sat alone in a room crying and declaring that "I'm done". Surprisingly, even though my only contribution was wise-cracks in lectures and a Thank-You card for the organizers, the rest of the group accepted me wholeheartedly and felt that I was one of the most memorable people in the whole summit.

After I came back from that summit, my boyfriend and I went on a weekend vacation, but I couldn't muster any sort of enjoyment whatsoever. My boyfriend's showing me so much affection and love and care, and all I could do is go "meh". This got worse in the following week, and I felt really guilty that I couldn't feel as much love for him as he obviously does for me. (According to the Triangular Theory of Love, the companionship and intimacy is strong, but the passion's gone missing).

For a while I felt like I was holding him back, that I wasn't the best person for him, even offered to find him someone else that could treat him better. In all other respects, our relationship is actually going great - we communicate well, we deal with ups and downs maturely, we respect and care for each other deeply. I just am an emotional wreck, and I didn't want him to suffer because of that. Nonetheless, he still insists that he loves me, and that he doesn't mind the lack of emotional passion. (For example, I like cuddles and embraces, but felt guilty that I was being selfish and not bursting out with love for him. He told me not to worry because he didn't find it selfish at all.) It's good, I guess, but I still can't help but feel guilty that the only emotional response I can muster to anything is "blaaaaaaah".

I went to see a GP (my regular one was away) and made appointments with my usual counselor. It's two weeks away though, so I have some down time. I have work placements this uni semester (my last!!) and I'm still waiting for those to be sorted out so I've got nothing to do for a while. I'm already wallowing away in sorrow and despair, and find it hard to do stuff - I'd rather nap all day (and indeed do sleep a lot) and it takes a lot of effort to make myself shower or prepare a meal. I have things I could do, but I'm too lethargic and bored to do anything other than think about them. My boyfriend and I are also looking at relationship counselling to see how else we can deal with my depression - we're talked out and we're out of ideas.

How can I cope with the lack of passion and energy? Should I feel guilty for not being as romantically inclined towards my boyfriend? What about my current apathy towards making a difference, when I once was such a passionate worldchanger? What can I do in these two weeks (until my counselor appointment) so that I don't drag myself down into further despair and actually feel better?

(I'm doing a little better now as I write this, but my moods change so quickly and intensely that I'd rather have some practical ideas for when I get another "sad attack". Also, I've found lots of relationship questions about dealing with a depressed partner, but not much about being the depressed partner itself.)

CLEAR SKIN CALLED, it said screw you

madmamasmith — Sat, 19 Jul 2008 03:07:10 -0800

well. i have searched and searched and there is alot out there , but i am looking for something specific. this question is about BLACKHEADS. I have had blackheads since i was a teen, when i was 20 i started getting zits too. Here I am 26 and my skin is the worst it has ever been.i have blackheads on every inch of my face and my face and scalp feel like an oil factory. I am a vegetarian, i dont eat crappy but i dont eat buckwheat cakes and organic chard everyday either maybe once a month i get drunk and maybe once a week have a soda, i do drink a couple coffees a week and my diet consists of alot of texmex but alot of organnic veggies too, i dont take vitamins cuz im really poor right now but in the past i have tried evening primrose, multivitamin, iron,birth control pills,,,i have used every face wash known to man as well as retina and other topicals, and now after 10 years of no noticeable difference i just use oatmeal soap and witchhazel. i was using jojoba cuz i heard that would help but it didnt but neither does lotion. basically i am freaking out, what do i do? i have the most sensitive skin so i scar really easy. i am too oily. i do everything u r supposed to ; drink water, change pillowcases, hot showers, all natural skincare,,,,help me please. I cant afford facials evryday but i did use to get microderms once a month to no avail as well as chemical peels that actually scarred me really bad. are there any remedies that anyone can suggest that have worked for you? home remedies, pills, liver cleanses? im so desperate, i hate looking in the mirror, dont lecture me.....just tell me if anything has worked for you

I want to be out of dollars, but not poor

Rafaelloello — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 20:07:56 -0800

I would like to know the best way to turn actual US dollars into foreign currencies... I'm very liquid, but want to protect the majority of my liquid assetts from deflation of the dollar. How do I get my dollars into Australian dollars, Swedish Kronos, Swiss francs, and Japanese yen and still have the best control over my assets?

How do I get motivated despite feeling that everything is pointless?

onepapertiger — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 16:11:19 -0800

I haven't been interested in anything at all lately. I just feel low and I want to get motivated to do things again. How? I've been depressed in the past, but I always function at a really high level at work (I guess that's where all my focus is). Outside of work, I'm like a hollow person. There's just this awful feeling that lives in my stomach, like I'm close to the verge of tears. It's also a feeling of general dullness squirming around in me.

I don't remember always feeling this way, even in the worst of my depression. I'm on anti-depressants and I thought I was doing okay, until I realized that the thing keeping me from going to the gym, going outside and actually doing anything was an overall lack of interest. I can't seem to get excited or feel good about anything. I don't really look forward to anything and can't think of anything to look forward to.

I want to be able to do stuff again, like go to the gym. I just can't seem to hang onto the motivation or set goals for myself like I used to. I feel like I'm choosing to do nothing so I can find something that inspires a feeling of excitement and I don't feel excited at all. Life seems incredibly and utterly boring/energy-zapping and pointless. Everything I think (briefly) I might want to do seems to take too much effort for very little in return. All I want to do is sleep or get lost in a book I've read a zillion times.

How do I feel better? I just changed meds after talking to my doc about this, so I'm hopeful. But I want to start getting into a mindset where stuff seems fun and exciting. Any tips or advice on how to stop generally dismissing stuff as completely pointless?

Help with Quitting Smoking After 47 Years

bananafish — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 13:07:05 -0800

My Mom is trying to quit smoking after 47 years... Ideas about how I can help appreciated. Backstory: My mom's older sister died of lung cancer a few months ago. Until then, she had never really made a serious effort to quit. But now I think the writing is really on the wall. My grandmother quit at 65 and lived to be 93 and my grandfather died from lung cancer at 70. My mother's turning 66 this week, so we're hoping maybe she can follow my grandmother's path rather than my aunt's and my grandfather's.

Her progress is being monitored very closely by her physician and a psychiatrist, so I think she's covered on the medical front. They've prescribed the patch for but I don't think she wants to use it until she cuts down her smoking more - she's currently at about 10 cigarretes a day which for her is a significant reduction. I've not been fighting her on that since I think she probably knows what's best for her.

She's been making significant progress (she tried cold turkey yesterday and made it to about 8 p.m.) but she's having problems with depression caused by nicotine withdrawal. I've sent her brownies, books, and I plan to send her flowers. Anything else my brother or I can do to help? I live 3,000 miles away but my brother lives close by. She's receives social security disability and it's kind of difficult for her to get out of the house so inexpensive suggestions that don't involve a lot of traveling would be good. I will make sure my brother takes her out for her birthday, but he's busy with a family crisis with his wife's family, so I don't know that he'll have a lot time to help her.

How to repair a shattered body image?

grippycat — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 13:31:55 -0800

How to repair a shattered body image? Like many women, I can point to numerous specific, damaging comments made in the past about my weight and appearance, but can generally shrug them off and enjoy being healthy and active. I've been fighting major depression and social anxiety for over 15 years now, and after a breakdown and new medication (Effexor), was last year finally back to dating, working full-time, and socializing after almost a year spent home alone -- albeit with an extra 70 lbs.

Enter T last summer: I fell in love quickly, although he told me he was only willing to date if I lost weight. I went to a gym, got a personal trainer, and dropped 20 lbs of weight, dropped my body fat percentage to an average level and got back to a size 10. We kept dating, he proclaimed his everlasting lurrve for me and moved in this March - and continued to push me to lose more weight, more quickly.

Partly because I could afford it, but mainly to prove I was still trying to lose the weight for him (this was phrased as "putting effort into the relationship"), I had liposuction done. Three days after the lipo, while I was still bruised and sore, I was being asked to go to the gym - even to the point of ripping stitches.

When I took time off the gym to recover from the surgery and the ripped stitches, T stopped all sexual contact with me and it never resumed. He'd tell me he loved me, called several times a day, and we were living together - - but either refused or was unable to touch me for two months. He finally confessed that he found me physically and sexually unattractive (but that we didn't need to break up because we were such good friends, and he really needed my car to go to work!), and I kicked him out.

This has brought me back to the point to breakdown. Every bad thought I've had or heard about myself is replaying in my head in a dull hum. I haven't been able to make it in to work or even outside for groceries (thank fsm for being able to work from home and order delivery!).

I'm fat, frightened, and miserable. Catching sight of myself in a mirror makes me cry. I'll get distracted from working and spend an hour pawing at the rolls of fat around my belly or pinching the fat on my thighs. I know that T's a massive dick. I know that the hum and sounds in my head are delusional, brought on by stress. I just need some advice and techniques in pulling it together, because I can't picture a time anymore where I won't feel ugly and inadequate.

Apologies for the length :)

How to climb out of severe depression?

Anonymous — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 20:05:47 -0800

How to climb out of severe depression? I am severely depressed, to the point where I've been forced to leave my job and move back in with family members. I am seeing a therapist and am on medication, but so far have experienced few positive results. I basically am completely unmotivated to do anything but surf the internet, watch TV, and exercise. I've gone from being a successful young professional to doing essentially nothing, all day, every day. This feeling of "doing nothing" worsens the depression, and I'm thinking that achieving some simple goals might help by giving me some small feeling of accomplishment, which might improve my depression. What are some simple goals that I can set or simple projects to attempt so that I can feel like I am doing something? Preferably things that don't require leaving home, because I'm also dealing with social anxiety, but anything is welcome. Also welcome are alternative suggestions for dealing with the depression, besides the standard "exercise" or "get outside". Thanks so much.

Is he text-book material?

neblina_matinal — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 15:35:47 -0800

My friend's boyfriend sucks. She knows that, but she doesn't seem to realize how serious it is. Please help me help her. I should start by saying this is not one of those "oh I don't like my friend's boyfriend, how do I tell her to get rid of him". No. That specific decision is hers to make. I'm completely comfortable giving her some hard to hear advice which she asks from me anyway (and I from her), so that bit is not a problem.

So my friend M. has had a boyfriend, J., for 7 months now. They've been living together for 6 months. As you can gather from that, their relationship escalated very quickly - he's her first real boyfriend, he was in a lot of financial trouble at the time (and still is, for that matter) and about to loose his place, so they shacked up.

From the get-go this guy sounded like a very odd person - he told her he "knows" what people think, that's he's an "excelent" judge of character, that he's highly intelligent (much more so than everybody else he knows), that he can manipulate people into whatever he wants. Everyone, except the people he falls in love with, he said, meaning her. He's fucked up in the head, I thought to myself.

He is depressed. Or at least that's what he told the doctor who wrote his medical leave (unexplained rashes, panic attacks, mood swings, all of it true). He was on a medical leave for 2 months, got back to work and that same day quit his job. This was one month ago. Since the start M. has picked up all the bills (rent, food, cable, etc), and she's always done all the housework. He sits at home all day scratching his nuts. A big part of the problem is he claims he's not depressed. He says it's just a "bad patch". He's on Xanax for this "bad patch", but refuses to see a therapist because there's nothing wrong with him. He blames everything wrong with his life on other people, however illogical his reasoning. He's now taken to insulting some of her friends for no real reason other than he's such a great judge of character (she's point-blank told him to not badmouth her friends, or leave - yay M - and no, I'm not his target). He claims he doesn't get a job because he's too good for any of them. I believe he actually used the words "too special". He doesn't have any real friends of his own apart from a few internet acquaintances.

Today she told me they had this conversation (or something similar, I can only imagine it went worse than she told me):

(They were home. He's sitting behind the computer, she's doing some house chore)
J.: Don't interrupt me for the next 10 minutes. Under no circumstances! I'm betting a lot of money on internet scratch cards!
M. (a bit annoyed I'm sure, but still less than she should be): Okay...
[20 minutes later]
M.: So, how'd it go?
J.: How did it go? Well, obviously I lost. And it was all your fault! Your "okay" annoyed me, and I didn't win because I was annoyed. It's always the same fucking thing.
At which point she went into another room, not because she's a wimp but because they fight all the time and another go at it seemed pointless. I also think she didn't realize how seriously deluded his speach was.
[Another 20 minutes later]
J.: Babe! Where are you? I won! I knew it! I knew I was going to win, so I bet some more money, and I won! Give us a smooch!
M.: (rolling her eyes): Yeah. Great.

M. knows the relationship is going south, she really does. She's in love with him, and has invested a lot into it. She doesn't want to loose, and I totally understand. We've all been in a sinking ship, giving it just one more minute to see if it keeps afloat before it actually goes under. Thing is, I think he's starting to mess her up way too much with his shitty psycho attitude. I'm no shrink, but I really think he needs serious help, which he completely refuses. She seems to believe him, she still believes she can help him out. I'm sure they have good moments, otherwise there would be no doubt in her mind, but she's a different person now, not for the better, and she has realized this. She knows he's bringing her down - but not quite just how down, I don't think.

So, here's the question part: MeFi, I want to provide her with a bunch of articles (online would be most helpful, but if there's a perfect book out there I'll go for it) that help her understand how serious his situation is. Like I said, I'm not a therapist, so I have no idea if his behaviour adds up to anything text-booky or not (does it?), but I do know the delusions of gradeur and the warped externalization cannot be good. Articles about how you can't help someone who doesn't want you to would also be good, and if they delved a bit into why it is people deny what's so obvious to others (fear of failure, etc) it'd be even better. She's asked me for help with this, so it's not like I'm going to drop these in an e-mail with a DTMFA note attached. I'm not going to tell her to dump him at all (although I'm pretty sure she knows that's where I stand), I just want her to fully open her eyes to the whole situation. There's obviously much more going on, but if you've read this far, I wish I could give you a cookie. It's more of the same crap, really, in different scenarios. Or worse.

Thank you. I do apologize for the length.

Help me deal with my sweetie's depression!

Anonymous — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 06:39:08 -0800

Suggestions for books etc for someone living with a romantic partner who has severe depression and ADD? My sweetie has been suffering from debilitating depression. At its worst, a few months ago, it resulted in my sweetie getting fired due to "job abandonment" because the depression was bad enough that even getting to work, or even getting out of bed, was too much to bear. Besides the depression, she has also been diagnosed with ADD. She's seeing a therapist and working with a meds-doc on finding the optimal psychopharmaceutical cocktail. So, professionals are on the case and things are improving. But it's a *really* long haul. (Which makes sense -- it took almost two years of worsening depression to hit bottom and start on the way up, so I expect it'll take a while for things to get back to "normal.") And I'm also seeing a therapist (both for this and for my own reasons).

Enough context, however. A question for mefites who've lived with someone with really severe depression: Are there any books that helped you in dealing with having a depressed partner? Other things?

For non-public replies, I've set up an email account as soc.mefi.anonymous@gmail.com.

Thank you, hive mind!

No TV, no beer make Homer something something...

sunshinesky — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 20:44:11 -0800

Borderline Personality Disorder: What's next? I just went through my first real, in depth, psychiatric assessment, and it looks like I have a diagnosis. I've never read about BPD, believing all this time that I was just depressed. I'm in the process of being referred for DBT, but I'd like suggestions on what to do in the meantime. It's going to be at least a couple weeks until I get into therapy, and I'm just starting new prescriptions of Wellbutrin and a low dose of Seroquel for my depression/anxiety.

What can I expect in the days, weeks, months and years to come? How can I help my boyfriend, and others around me, to cope? In the past you mefites haven't sounded so hopfeul, so share some more positive experiences, please! By all means, total horror shows will be just as helpful.

I feel like it's a big step just knowing what the hell it is that's been wrong with me all this time. I knew I wasn't 'just depressed'.

Anecdotes, resources, tips, anything!

data: 23, female, and I've had symptoms for upwards of 14 years. No, YANMD.

Help me get the hell out of Dodge (or rather, Arizona) and on track to feeling good again!

actionpact — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 11:10:22 -0800

My life is stuck and it's making me feel incredibly depressed. Help me see the light and get on track for getting out of here. This is long and a mess, and if you read it all the way through you're a champ because I feel like there's no simple catch-all answer to my problem. (I thank you in advance!)

I'm feeling this huge weight on myself that I just can't figure out how to shake. I'm relatively young (25 on Tuesday!) and a girl, and I moved cross country from CT to AZ two years ago to shorten up a long-distance relationship. Stupidly though, I really wanted to be carless, due to environmental and financial concerns. Since then I've spent most of my time being self-employed as an illustrator-- I love what I do, but so far I'm not being successful enough to stand on my own two feet. Jobs come sporadically, and checks come even more so. This is a huge point of stress for me, but I've always been told it takes a lot of time and effort to get off the ground, so I've been mostly okay with that. But the financial concerns are big. The mister has been really supportive and pays most of the expenses, but I'm still struggling over student loans and some small credit card debt. I bought myself a tricycle a year ago (didn't know how to ride a real bike, still don't yet) and it helped with my sanity level. I figured I could get around a little more and get a part time job to supplement things. But it got stolen a month and a half ago and I'm once again effectively a shut-in. Except for mister actionpact's friends, I really haven't met anyone here (despite some small efforts of trying), and certainly no one I feel close to, and no one I can be creative with. My close friends are scattered across the country now, and I miss them constantly.

Since I moved out here, I held two part time jobs-- each lasted slightly under a month and then I just quit, not showing up to work again. To be fair the reasons weren't totally offbase-- one I quit because my dad was in the hospital and I thought I'd need to go home, and the other I quit because it was too far for me to bike (nearly passed out in the process) in the dead of summer. But still, I'm embarrassed at the way I just ditched those jobs. Very unprofessional. I tried to apply to some more jobs around here since then but so far have found nothing. The jobs I've applied to never phone back. I figured that owning my own business and being self-employed would be a plus, but I'm afraid I'm unemployable. I can't seem to figure out what kind of useful skills I do have, so it makes the job hunt hard. I'm nice and friendly, though I'm not especially pretty, so I have been turned down from waitressing jobs, for example. I'm also afraid to look for a full time job because I know myself and I would probably slack on my creative efforts if I put my whole time into another job. Plus, I don't like it here, and I'm afraid to settle into a job and get stuck here. (Irrational? Sure!) I know I'm depressed about this all, and could use some therapy, but to make matters worse I'm uninsured, and the only therapist I could get to currently I can't really afford.

I know I'm young, and I know that things aren't entirely hopeless; fortunately I've been blessed with supportive family and my boyfriend, and I have an unsinkable optimism that things will eventually turn around. But I still feel pretty darn trapped right now. It's causing mild strain to my relationship which could further escalate, and I really don't want that. I started seriously exercising last week to help with the depression levels and feel more energetic. I just don't know what else I should do. A friend offered to teach me how to drive, and I believe we have a spare car I could use. But I've been so reluctant to do so. I don't know if it's the fact I'm already broke so the cost of gas seems impossible, or my own strong feelings on the subject of car use. Maybe there's something I could donate to in order to offset the emissions once I had more money. I've tried really hard to be carfree, but maybe I can't win this fight. This is a car place, so maybe I just have to live with the guilt for now.

Well, anyway I know this is long and I must apologize in advance (but it does feel good to vent). I know there are lots of people who have it much worse, so this kind of feeling mostly just makes me want to kick my own ass. But I know I'm not living up to my potential and it's making me sad, because I know there's a lot of good I could do if I were less afraid and more in control of my life. Mister actionpact and I both agree this is not the place for me; I hate it here really. I keep wanting to make a change (like move to someplace like Portland OR, or go to grad school at the School of Visual Arts in NYC) but I just don't know how to get there at this point. Any suggestions of what I should do? I know people say 'if you have an idea, make the leap! It can't hurt' or something like that--but it's really hard when I'm clouded by depression and loneliness and financial strains.

And maybe on a more specific note, could you answer this question? When I apply to jobs I don't know how to bring up the subject of those two jobs from the past. A friend of mine told me that these are crap jobs and you don't have to write these down, but more and more places have background checks so I don't know. Sometimes I don't write them down as part of my job history, sometimes I do. Either way I haven't gotten any work out of it-- not sure whether it's due to a lie of omission or the bad portrait it paints of me. I am a good worker, I just can't figure out how to show them this.

Thanks in advance. I've read a lot of helpful questions already but I still feel incredibly stuck, so I hope I can make 25 a better year than 23 and 24 have been!

How to stop being a miserable wretch and start living

Anonymous — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 18:20:52 -0800

I seriously need some inspiration here. I'm female, 32, single, miserable in my job, cannot seem to get it together, and don't seem to find enough hours in the day to simply HANDLE MY LIFE. Ok, I know this question has been tackled in various forms over time, but I seriously need some inspiration here. I'm female, 32, single, miserable in my job, cannot seem to get it together, and don't seem to find enough hours in the day to simply HANDLE MY LIFE. I'm obsessing over the guy who just dumped me, my friends are all getting married and having babies, and I live alone in a wreck of an apartment, struggling to pay off mountains of student loans and sinking further into a depression. I've been seeing a psychologist, who has helped. I've been exercising tons, which has helped. But I just saw photos of myself that actually frightened me because over the past year I have declined so much physically that I barely recognize myself. I look old and tired and faded. I feel frustrated and alone and ugly and terrified.

I know: Boo-hoo. I understand that this is life, that these feelings and the experience of aging are not unique to me. But I feel like I need to make some radical changes and I do not even know where to begin. If it was as simple as getting a new job, I'd do it. If it meant getting a new apartment, great. If packing up my belongings and moving to Sri Lanka would help, I'd, y'know, give it some thought? I just don't know. I volunteer. I eat healthy. I socialize. I'm just not getting anywhere.

Any ideas on how to come back to life again?

Overcoming everything to start anew

Anonymous — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 12:00:56 -0800

TraumaFilter: what worked for you in overcoming PTSD, anxiety, depression? I've recently been diagnosed with PTSD, GAD, and depression (not my first depression diagnosis), and am seeing a therapist for CBT, EMDR, and hypnosis. Due to time and financial constraints, I can only see her for these every other week, because my two children (teens) and the three of us as a family are also having sessions (2 sessions a week is the limit my budget can handle).

I am not taking any prescription medication on a regular basis because my therapist doesn't approve, on the basis that they can be habit-forming and wants me to try homeopathic alternatives instead, which I don't trust. She's the 6th therapist/counselor I've seen in my life, the first I've been able to open up to, and I'm not optimistic about finding a better one, particularly in my area and on my insurance. I approached my GP over 3 years ago about my anxiety and she dismissed my concerns, insisting, "It's perfectly normal; everyone feels that way sometimes," and prescribed me first Pamelor for the depression (which did nothing) and then generic Wellbutrin (which raised my anxiety sky-high and didn't level out after months of taking it).

Because some of my trauma is medical, it is very difficult for me to go to a doctor, much less raise such concerns, and especially to assert myself in the face of disagreement. I do smoke pot sometimes to help with the anxiety, but only a little, as I do not like to feel out of control and don't want to be truly "stoned." I rarely drink alcohol. I have a friend who gave me a few of her Xanax and I have taken 1.5 of them, half at a time, over the last few months, when I was otherwise going to have to leave work because I was absolutely incapable of coping, but they are my absolute last resort because who knows when/if I could get more.

I'm having a really hard time making it through each day, doing my job, taking care of my kids as a single parent, trying to manage household stuff. I've had a series of triggering events over the last few years, each one leaving me in worse shape than the last. It's been several months since I went through an entire day without flashbacks. I frequently cry, seldom over current events, and it's become tremendously difficult to get out and socialize even with people I've known for a long time and feel safe with. I have diffuculty focusing well enough to watch a movie or read a book, much less meditate. I enjoy nothing. I am exhausted, physically and emotionally. The constant influx of adrenaline leaves me drained. I have no one to take over any of my tasks for me, to provide relief at work or home. The kids do help out with chores, some, with lots of management by me.

Background, if it matters: 37 year old female in the U.S., particular traumas in my case involve child abuse, alcoholic parents, rapes and forced sodomy (multiple perpetrators and incidents over a period of years -- none under the category of "child molestation" or "incest": I was at least 15 and unrelated to all perps), domestic abuse (physical, psychological, and sexual by one partner, psychological only by another), medical traumas, and physical assault. I've never been protected by anyone, from anything.

So, with all this in mind, what do I do? What worked for you in overcoming anxiety, depression, and/or PTSD? What can I do with the other 335 hours between therapy appointments that can make my days more bearable? How do I reduce or eliminate the flashbacks and crying jags? How do I rebuild my concentration? How do I overcome the panic and flight instinct that keeps me from socializing? How do I make life worth living (no, I'm not suicidal)?

Throwaway email: traumamamadrama@gmail.com

My life is a blues song.

Anonymous — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 17:37:57 -0800

Brokenrelationshipfilter? Two weeks ago I found out that my girlfriend of a year had been seeing an acquaintance of my best friend for the past two months. They're over, and she told me, asking that we stay together. I'm not sure now if we're going to or not, but we agreed to six months more to see if we can make it work. I'm pissed, frankly, and she's suffering from horrible post-breakup depression; crying, insomnia, apathy, the works. I do, I believe, love her, but I'm having trouble seeing how we'll get through all the smoke in the air. I'm well aware that I'm the only one who can make this decision, but rationality isn't my strong point right now, and I could use some outside perspective. Messy, eh? There are a few corollaries to this that you should be aware of. First, my leg was broken 1.5 months ago, and I'm still recovering from that. It's one of those steel insert thingers, so I'm able to hobble around without a cast, go out, etc., but it limits my mobility to a certain extent. We don't have the option of going hiking, clubbing, or out to dinner, like we normally would. She's sick and tired of staying at home. I, however, work from home, as does she. She actually manages a business complete with staff that comes in during the day from here. I mostly work on the web.

The other really ugly complication is that our circle of friends is one that's closed pretty tight. My girlfriend and I know the same people, are pretty equally liked by them, and the drama this would create if it got out isn't something I like to think about. I can't really rely on them for support without shredding the circle. I've told two of them that it happened, not with who, and responses were "ditch her" and "consider me the bat poised in hand - if I find out who the motherfucker is I'll beat the shit out of him". That is the last thing I need on my conscience.

As to her depression, well, it's in full swing. She doesn't have energy to do any housework (I'm doing what I can, but, my leg is broken), nor much rational thinking. Last night she spent the entire night sobbing, alternating between "I love you" and "I regret ending it with him". She's mentioned suicide in passing, and though I don't think she's serious, I'm watching for warning signs. She's 29, I'm 24.

I'm exhausted and confused. She's been the most supportive, loving person I've ever known, and up until about the time she started seeing him, this was the most satisfying relationship I've ever been in. We were and are still talking about marriage. Even now she is as loving and supporting as she can be in her lucid moments. I want to be the same for her, but I also do feel very, very wronged, and at times that comes out. I need to control that if I'm going to get through this. My primary complaint is that she just does not say it when things are bothering or hurting her, that she acts out, is acknowledged by our mutual friends as probably her biggest shortcoming, and we've made a lot of progress on that front. What I've come to understand since this all came out two weeks ago is that she felt ignored by me, for a long time, and I'll attribute that to my moodiness - I prefer solitude when I'm stressed out or angry, and on the career front I have been frustrated since February, when I had to take a job I didn't want to retain residence in this country (I'm somewhere in Asia; primary career is freelance web stuff). I've got some time off because of the broken leg, but once it's healed I'll have to either go back to work or quit for a job with less demanding hours.

And that's my dilemma. I think this relationship is worth saving, but I really, really don't know how, and after a lot of long, sleepless nights trying to help her sleep, I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth it, or possible.

Any thoughts, feelings, or advice are deeply appreciated.

Worst part of the world sitting on you? De pression!

electronslave — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 16:27:59 -0800

Depression while traveling: it's such a bummer! I started this trip two months ago. It's going to continue for another month and a half. It's probably nothing, but I'd rather know I'm not doing the right thing by sitting on this couch 4 out of 5 days.

I honestly couldn't care less about visiting other countries normally. I grew up on the road, drifting from country to country, school to school with my military family until my parents went insane. The only country I'd ever felt like visiting before this trip was Australia, but only because I've intended to emigrate there for 3 years now.

My first few weeks of travel were purely commando-mode. Learned basic Russian out of a phrasebook and common usage, then a little Kyrgyz, then a few words of Uzbek. About 2 and a half weeks into my trip, while in Tashkent, I had the humiliating experience of contracting salmonella. More than that, I got a great deal of mockery from the college student I was staying with.

That one bout of food poisoning basically put me into a bad place. I immediately left to Wien, had a bad experience at a school reunion, felt soul-crushingly guilty about kissing an Australian girl (can't help feeling down after that, given that she was from tasmania) and have been in this city ever since, having found a couch to sleep on.

I can't seem to budge. I have been to see a couple EM games and generally enjoyed myself, but I just can't move most of the time. I do enjoy art and culture. I've seen that a few museums here have exhibits I like (Egon Schiele!) but I just ... I feel I can't do more without another person here. Considering my assets as a traveler, I'd make a good companion. I know 5 (well, okay, 3 and then basic Russian and basic French) languages, I have a base of operations, I have friends in most of the countries around here ... normally I have an international sense of humor. I've even done the scummy thing and scouted hostels for people I could jump off with. Can't do it.

My initial impression is that depression while traveling is rare. Maybe a disease? I've been drinking a lot. Smoking a lot of pot, as well. But then I always do. I'm willing to entertain any rational, non-self-help-book way of easing myself out of this pit.

Dating for the relatively grounded?

Anonymous — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 18:42:35 -0800

I know a great deal about how romantic relationships develop with insecure people, but very little about what happens when the participants are already comfortable in their own shoes. About a year ago, I discovered that my severe depression and anxiety was due to a medical condition. The condition was easy to address, and I experienced improvements almost overnight. As I started feeling better, it became apparent that much of my identity had been built around feeling perpetually lousy. Without the feeling-lousy, it's as if the slate has been wiped clean and I have to re-experience everything. The changes are significant enough that I can't trust memories & experiences from those earlier times. The adjustment has been a wonderful experience, even when it leads to unfortunate things like severing ties with people I now realize do me more harm than good.

What I could use some help with, is hearing about how people who are comfortable in their own shoes approach romantic relationships. Back when I felt like crap, romantic attraction = the delusion that this person would somehow fill my gaping emotional void. I was needy, and was exhilarated by the mere possibility that someone could meet those needs. I could only grasp relationships that consisted of me "saving" my partner or vice versa. I realize now that's a very unhealthy way to approach things, but it was certainly easy to identify! Now that I'm more grounded, I feel like there's little chance of being swept off my feet, but I really have no idea. How does one identify attraction when it isn't aided by the exaggeration that comes from vulnerability?

For the first time in my life, I feel like I could be part of a legitimately healthy relationship, but I'm not entirely sure how those occur.

Suck up at my review or quit?

Anonymous — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 17:58:47 -0800

Impending performance review. I don't know whether to quit or somewhat disingenuously promise improvement and committment to the job. I am a lawyer. I have been working in policy for about a year and a half. Around January of this year, I realized that I really dislike it and would like to get back to being a lawyer. For the past month or so, I have been actively looking for a new job. It hasn't gone that well, but I have some leads.

I have been dealing with some pretty bad depression. I have not been myself. It's I-don't-want-to-brush-my-teeth depression. My work is suffering, but it is definitely not the primary cause of the depression. I didn't like job before I became depressed and I have done a good job here when I wasn't depressed, even when I didn't like it.

My boss is pretty cool, and normally very hands-off about HR issues, to the point where my coworkers and I rarely know where we stand. I just got word that we have performance reviews coming up. We didn't have one last year (boss just blew them off). I get some positive feedback from boss, and some negative, but always just on a case-by-case basis. "Great job on X," or "You need to handle Y better."

My problem is I don't know how to handle the review. I really would like to acknowledge what I think has been subpar performance, but I feel weird about making any promises for improvement. I am in treatment for the depression, which is one thing that I can say, but I feel like making a new workplan or something would be disingenous. I am certainly trying to do a better job, and I can certainly try to kick ass until I leave, but I feel weird, knowing I will leave when I find what I am looking for. On the other hand, I may never get that great job I'm looking for...

So should I acknowledge the performance, explain the depression, and then later, when I give my notice (which could be a ways off, if ever), say I thought it would improve but the job is part of the unhappiness?

Or should I be totally honest, quit, and do contract work while I look? I know that's not a great career move in general for lawyers, but maybe it's equal/almost equal/only a little worse than staying in a non-legal job that I hate? For future employers, I can tell them I wanted to get back into legal work ASAP?

I am mildly concerned that my performace review will be me getting fired, but I don't really think that's the case. But maybe the small chance is worth quitting and not having a termination on my record? More likely, if boss wants me to leave boss would give me a chance to quit, I think. But I don't know.

Also, the job itself is a good job, with good benefits. I like the employer, just not the position. Internal move is not possible, though. I don't even know how hard it would be for me to get a contract job. I'm in a major east coast city, and my field is in demand. I have only a few years of experince, but it is good experience.

Thanks for the help.

Working with my father is killing me. What can I do?

Anonymous — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 10:27:29 -0800

Working with my father is a nightmare. Should I quit? How do I deal with the repercussions? Potentially related information: I'm 23, female, atypical depression since I was 13-ish and it is mostly controlled with medication. I live in a great home with my fiance and I think I'm ruining our relationship with my job misery. My mother is depressed and no one acknowledges it; she has a long-standing history of not caring about my relationship with my father. My father is 64 and everyone who knows him loves him. He does not believe in counseling and does not believe that mood disorders exist.

My father and I have never really gotten along (wasn't around much when I was a kid, refused to let me get mental health treatment when I was a minor, threw money at me and called it parenting). We both have thin skin, and we're both really stubborn. He's a yeller, and since his hearing is really bad, I have to be a yeller. To make a long, mostly unrelated story short, I moved back to my home state last year and he offered me a job. I started working for him about four months ago. I'm thinking accepting was a huge mistake.

The job consists of menial duties like answering a phone, writing up some documents, doing some minor marketing work and being my father's metaphorical punching bag. We're a staff of two (we're a satellite office for a nationwide company) in an incredibly small office. One of my biggest problems right now is that my father is incapable of treating me like an employee - he treats me like I'm still living in his house (I'm not). He yells at me for things that are really obviously not my fault and says really hurtful things when he's angry.

For example, today one of our 15-year-old phones broke and I was treated as though it was my fault. First, he demanded that I fix it, and I tried to calmly explain that I have no idea how to fix a multi-line phone system. I offered to read the manual and try to find some troubleshooting information. I came up with nothing helpful and offered to call the phone company. This resulted in more yelling and me being called "a mental defective." I pulled out my memorized speech for these situations and said, "I don't appreciate being spoken to like that. You wouldn't yell at a random employee like that. When I am here, I am your employee, not your daughter" as calmly as I possibly could. As usual, this resulted in, "You're an employee? Yeah, well, you're incompetent." I think I'm making this out to be more than it is or I'm overreacting or something -- my father isn't an ogre or anything, he just doesn't acknowledge any feelings whatsoever and since he never thinks he's doing anything wrong, he never apologizes when he hurts someone. Like I said, I have thin skin, and I've never had a job that didn't make me cry at least once.

Situations this intense usually pop up once a week, with scattered, minor misdirected yelling pretty much every day. I know I'm not a perfect employee. In fact, one of the major reasons why I took the job in the first place is because I am depressed and I feel like I am totally unemployable as a result (I was laid off from a previous job and it appeared to me that they thought I was incompetent but didn't want to hurt my feelings). I have no "marketable" skills - I have experience as a secretary and a BFA in writing/literature. I get distracted a lot and I never go "above and beyond" what's written in my job description, though I do get all vital work done in a timely manner. I'm trying my hardest to not screw this job up. My father constantly brags to his colleagues that I was the only sucker willing to take this job for such a pathetic salary, which pretty much cements my assumption that I'm worth next-to-nothing.

The yelling plus a hellish 90+ minute commute are making me seriously consider quitting. Is there some magical phrase I can utter that will somehow make my father have empathy (or at least have another emotion besides "angry" and "pre-angry"), or is this as much of a lost cause as I think it is? Right now the only things keeping me here are the money, not wanting to completely ruin any relationship I have with my parents (and to a lesser extent, some colleagues I really like), and not knowing if I'm overreacting. I'm also afraid of never getting another job ever again, and I don't want to strand my father with all my work along with his own -- we do more work than any two people should be burdened with.

Okay, so my two questions are: Should I quit? How do I deal with the inevitable shitstorm that comes with my resignation if I do quit? Or what can I do to make my life livable again and/or stop overreacting? I'm supposed to be getting married about a year from now -- a wedding my father wants to pay for, but I don't want to make my entire family hate me and I don't want to feel even more awful for accepting my father's money. I'm pretty sure that my entire family will be disgusted with me if I leave my dad out in the cold. I just can't see how I can possibly quit without causing more problems for myself.

If anyone needs clarification on my novel, I'm the girl that sucks, plusigotdepression@gmail.com

How do you get work done when life's got you down?

nebulawindphone — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 16:21:11 -0800

Life kicked me in the teeth, but I've got work to do. I don't need anyone to cheer me up, I'm just looking for a specific bit of advice: how do you get things done when you're depressed? About a week ago, my dream job pretty much landed in my lap. It's going to mean a lot of independent research and writing, with maybe a once-weekly meeting with a supervisor. I'm confident that on a good day I could rise to the challenge and kick some serious ass.

Thing is, this isn't a good day. My wife left me two weeks ago, and I'm putting the pieces back together, but I'm still all sad and sluggish. I can't think straight; simple goals seem impossible; the smallest setback sends me back to the couch.

I know I'll feel better with time — and I've got lots of help in that department, friends and family and so on. But I'm not about to feel better tomorrow, and I need to get to work. What I'm looking for is advice on getting the job done when your heart isn't in it. Thoughts?

I can handle the truth.

By The Grace of God — Thu, 29 May 2008 13:16:50 -0800

How can I deal with the dishonesty of the world? I find myself lying to protect myself and often find people lying to me. For example, not telling a line manager of problems at my job because the director would just lash out at me. And an example of lies being told to me - people saying they are busy when they don't want to see me.

This situation is a major cause of my depression and anxiety. I hate living in a world where people are dishonest to each other - under the guise of manners or whatever - and I think that this dishonesty just increases the world's alienation.

I think this especially bothers me because I feel like I am acting all day - hiding my anxiety symptoms in order to function. Unfortunately my husband seems to want me to hide my symptoms too. Is there a way I can create a space for honesty in my life?

And all the people in my life seem to think I am doing so well. Sigh.

When I unburden the honest truth onto my therapist I just feel worse walking out of there because I know I am going back into a world full of lies.

Another thing making it worse is I seem to have absorbed my husbands bad habit of not sharing anything with friends. I've basically stopped making what I consider real friends - I just have social partners now.

Do people really have real friends who they are honest with anymore?

How do we make sure our kids have fully-functioning parents?

Anonymous — Wed, 21 May 2008 21:18:57 -0800

I have two toddlers and a wife with severe postpartum depression that went untreated for two years, all of whom I love very much. However, I think I'm starting to crack, and am not thrilled about my children potentially having two emotionally unstable parents. The past couple of years have been pretty scary. The PPD hit my wife HARD: her temper went through the roof, and her fuse got much shorter: she would go into rages on a regular basis, she dropped out of law school, and couldn't manage to hold a job. I couldn't talk to any of our mutual friends about it, if she caught me asking somebody for advice, i'd be on the receiving end of a Rage that was very difficult to diffuse. At one point, she shut off my cellphone service (the bill was in her name) to prevent me from asking my mother for help. It was a constant "walking on eggshells" kind of thing, and the kids...the kids were there for ALL of it.

That's mostly over now: we're both currently in therapy (talk *and* drugs), trying to make sense of just what the hell happened. Rage Mode has mostly gone away (with some notable exceptions), but now that she's getting a bit more stable, I'm completely losing it. I know that PPD is a really intense, fucked-up mental illness, and I don't think she's to blame at all for the events of the last two years, but I still have this huge ball of resentment about it, so there's this cognitive dissonance there that's driving me up a wall. To put it bluntly, I'm pissed about the way the kids and I were treated over this period, and that just makes me feel petty, small, and incredibly narcissistic. I'm constantly questioning the decisions I've made and am having severe social anxiety and panic attacks, to the point where I draw the blinds and hide when the neighbors are outside. My kids deserve a dad who's not a socially-phobic basketcase.

The kids are 2 and 3, and all this drama is obviously very, very bad for them to be around. I never want to hear "mommy mad at daddy?" again. Does anybody else have experience or advice about dealing with severe PPD and anger issues? How can we get through this without breaking our children? I try to diffuse and/or keep the drama away from the kids when it goes down, but they're perceptive as hell, and know what's going down.

God, this all makes her sound like such an ogre. She's not: she's incredibly intelligent and funny and loving and a fantastic mother, when things are on an upswing. And I've certainly done and said my share of asshole stuff over the course of this thing.

I'm pretty nervous about posting this, because it feels like I'm just whining "victim victim victim", and if my wife comes across it, I'm dead fucking meat, and it's all stuff I'm working through with my therapist anyway, but I'm just incredibly confused and scared and worried that this is completely destroying the kids, and I need insight anywhere I can get it. Thanks.

How do you know if a therapist will be helpful?

Anonymous — Tue, 20 May 2008 13:58:16 -0800

Finding a therapist: I'm sure I can find one. But how do I know whether the therapist I choose is any good? Some details if you need them: I have dysthymia and generally shaky self-esteem, plus the last six months or so have been particularly stressful. Over the past few weeks especially, my moods have been more fragile than I think is healthy. I've been on antidepressants in the past and they've worked well; currently not on them, but I'm taking supplements instead.

I saw a therapist for a few months about four years ago. I didn't much like him – though I can't quite put my finger on why – and I didn't think he helped me. The experience made me skeptical of therapy in general.

I've been feeling kind of broken lately and I'm starting to reconsider therapy. However, given my past experience, I'm not quite convinced. I don't want to waste time and money on therapy if it won't be good for me, and although I have insurance, I still can't really afford to shop around for therapists.

I have a primary care physician whom I like, and I'm sure he could help me with a referral. Getting an appointment with someone doesn't strike me as a big deal. Knowing whether I'll benefit from seeing them, however, is another story. I have a feeling a lot of it is just whether we click, but I don't completely trust my judgment on that, and I'm not sure what else to look for.

What should I be looking for in a therapist, and how do I know if I've found the right one? How long should my trial period with them be, and how do I know when to give up? How can I tell whether therapy is helping me?

My throwaway address is helpthathelps@gmail.com. Thank you in advance for your help!

Feeling/being happy? How? Help me.

isoman2kx — Wed, 14 May 2008 14:13:19 -0800

Feeling/being happy? How? Help me. I'm not 100% sure where to start with this one except I wanted to pose the question to fellow metafilterer's after my meeting with my psychologist today.... read on. I've always been trying to hone in on my problems to address them better and figure out just why I feel how I feel.

The one thing I came up with today is that I have no motivation to be happy, to be social around anyone, to be my old self, to go to class, to have a career. WHEN I feel like this that is. This lethargic, self-pitying, worrying about what everyone else thinks, etc mood occurs in my life about 60-65% of the time and it's a burden.

I try and keep my head up, hence the 35-40% where I don't feel like all is hopeless. However, a great deal of my interactions in a given day occur in that 60-65% shitty feeling zone and my perspective when dealing with those things is just entirely out of whack.

I end up saying the wrong thing, jumping to the completely wrong or unfounded accusations, pacing around worrying that I am too needy on other people for my happiness because I don't have much of my own right now.

I don't have a particularly large amount to be worrying about right now and as I've said in the past, my life (crappy physical feelings aside) is a good one. I say that particularly because some people always ask, well you must be hiding something or harboring some deep childhood trauma. People can't believe I guess that I just generally have really shitty self-esteem and am capable of being very intelligent when I'm in a good mood.

Just for additional info:

I try and live the healthiest life possible. I get exercise (at least 25-30 mins) on a daily basis and generally eat the right foods about half the time. I take a B-Complex vitamin, 2 tablespoons of flax seed oil, 30 mg of lexapro, and nexium on a daily basis to battle anxiety/depression.

I've never bought the whole start volunteering places and you'll magically feel better, so I'd rather exclude that suggestion and other just "feel good" suggestions. I want practical advice of how I can kick my own ass.

How do I do this? Particularly, for those that are depressed/anxious like I am , how are you dealing with it? Is it getting better?