Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with decision

How can I overcome my debilitating fear of regret?

Anonymous — Sat, 16 May 2009 20:48:54 -0800

I have to make a hard, life-altering decision that I've been debating on for a year. I am having a hard time doing so due to past issues that resulted from me not thinking through these things first. I have the option to pursue two things that are incredibly important to me. Let’s call them Path A and B.

Option 1 is an attempt at Path A. It does -not- guarantee it, and while Path B is still possible it will be a lot more work. I would still attempt it, though. It is also -much- more financially taxing than Option 2.

Option 2 is a guaranteed Path B, but Path A becomes so difficult that I would not even attempt it, and even if I did it would likely be a poor experience.

Doing one now and the other later is too complicated, and I would like to make the decision with the thought of "no going back," because otherwise those fears/what ifs will persist no matter what I choose.

I apologize for being vague. I need to make the decision on my own, and inviting other people’s views into it will likely make things worse.

I’ve been so torn over this that it’s causing me anxiety, sleeplessness, crying, nausea and other reactions that are starting to make me irritated with myself. It shouldn’t be this hard.

I made most of my decisions up until this point without thinking about the larger scope of things, and because of this I have many regrets. I’ve become so fearful of repeating the same mistakes that it’s paralyzing to me. I am so incredibly afraid of looking back in twenty years and going, “Damn, I should have chosen Option 1/Option 2.”

I believe that my fears are unfounded, because my past regrets are due to not being aware of how much my choices were setting me up for an, erm, unfortunate future. (Let’s just say I messed up a -lot-.) I’m an adaptable person and I know that if I consciously try to make the best of things, I should end up a happy person no matter where life takes me.

Yeah… that’s what the rational part of me thinks. But the emotional side of me is still going, “Oh no, what do I do, what if I choose the wrong thing?!”

How do I make a decision without all this anxiety behind it? How do I -not- worry so much about regrets and focus on making the best of whatever choice I make?

Should marriage even be a hard question?

namespan — Fri, 08 May 2009 18:38:15 -0800

Should marriage even be a hard question? Are there people for whom it was who end up very happy together? I know some people who think this decision should be mostly easy, and is, when you meet and develop a relationship with the right person. This view is very attractive in some ways: it seems to simplify some decision making. I'm looking for other points of view, formal or personal (but I'm willing to entertain points of view that reinforce the idea that "just knowing" is a better way).

My question isn't really abstract. I'm in a situation with someone who is lovely, sexy, smart, fun, and generally all kinds of awesome. We've known each other for four years, dating occasionally and across state lines for the first two years while communicating a lot long-distance; we've been together for most of the last two years, except for the last few months. She's been head over heels over me since we first met, I've been slower to get in but really liked her from the beginning and have come to love her very much. We've had some very happy times and a close connection.

Despite this, there's been a lot of tension and some trouble in the relationship, no small amount of it related to the fact she's always been ahead of me in terms of how much deeper she was in, and we've managed to make ourselves miserable over the question of whether this would lead to marriage. She's at the point where she's ready to move on. I know we're both wondering if the fact that this is difficult is the answer itself, but I also wonder if sometimes people can get stuck in some ways that keep them from getting to the other side even when it could be completely fantastic.

I'm more interested in abstract answers (studies, anecdotes, philosophy) about how couples who go commit from this point tend to do than direct commentary on my situation, but measured advice is also welcome if my question shakes something compelling out of you.

I think I want more strategery.

ignignokt — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 07:12:40 -0800

GuidanceCounselorFilter: What jobs involve strategic decisions on a fairly frequent basis? I've been a software developer for the last nine years, and I'm thinking of moving on after my current job runs its course. I still enjoy programming from time to time, but I get less and less out of it as time passes.

It recently occurred to me that I might get more fulfillment out of a job that involves a bit more strategy (or tactics if you'd like). I'd like the following cycle to happen during a job:

1. I'm presented with a decision to make.
2. I research the choices.
3. I apply cost-benefit analysis.
4. I make a decision.
5. I get to move on to another decision, but I do eventually get to see the results of this decision.

It can be argued that this cycle comes up in every occupation, including software engineering. In software engineering, however, in day-to-day work on an established architecture, there is usually one obvious choice and most of the work is finding that. Seeing how the "decision" plays out is not very interesting, either. Designing the architecture for a new application or system does involve strategic decisions that may not have completely predictable results, but it can take years before you can see the consequences of your decisions and cast your lot once again.

I'm looking for "broader" decisions, if that makes any sense.

I know I enjoy going through this kind of analysis/decision/results-watching cycle when I'm making my decisions about my own life, big and small, deciding on purchases, or playing board games, certain video games, or poker.

I think I could get this kind of decision-making opportunity by starting my own business, but I was wondering if it was available in a purer form. Investment banking, maybe? This is probably a terrible time to get involved with that, however.

And of course, it's quite possible that this is not actually the right way to go, but I'd like to explore it, so make your suggestions, please.

Cores or clock?

indyz — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 21:34:09 -0800

Help me sort out the tradeoffs between a faster dual core or a slower quad core processor. I have a desktop PC that I do all of my day-to-day computing on. The only processor intensive stuff I do is gaming and video editing with Vegas 8. Unfortunately, the newer games are getting a little sluggish, I've moved up from MiniDV to AVCHD video, and my 2.13Ghz Core 2 Duo isn't really cutting it anymore. I'd like to upgrade the processor, and it looks like I can get a Core 2 Duo in the 3Ghz range or a Core 2 Quad around 2.3Ghz for about the same price. My motherboard will handle either processor just fine.

My dilemma is whether I should go for cores or clock speed. It still seems that most games only support 1 or 2 cores, so that's one for clock speed. My video editing software will use four cores, but I'm not sure how much advantage I would get over two cores with the faster clock. I'm mostly concerned about performance when editing; rendering performance is secondary but nice-to-have.

Any ideas?

What other organizations are doing what Decision Theater is doing?

Jennifer S. — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 14:10:35 -0800

What organizations provide collaborative decision-making via visualized data, like Arizona State University's Decision Theater? Decision Theater is a decision-making environment on the campus of Arizona State University. It uses visualized data shown on a large, immersive custom cinema that helps client organizations make decisions, mostly concerning urban growth, public health, education, and the environment.

Participants use 3-D animations and interactive scenaria that let them to pull up data from their own organization in order to view different outcomes in the visualizations.

NEMAC (National Environmental Modeling and Analysis Center) in Asheville, NC USA uses a similar process to help clients make decisions, though NEMAC lacks Decision Theater's dedicated visualization environment.

I'm finishing up an undergraduate degree in mass communcation and want to go to grad school at a college that does this kind of work in information visualization and synchronous, collaborative decision-making.

So I want to know where any more places that do this kind of work are, and if they're affiliated with a university. I'm open to any site anywhere, although English is my only language, so I'd prefer a country where I could get by.

Thanks!

Daisy attacked & damaged 3 dogs, has heartworm, severe separation anxiety: is it time to put her down?

Anonymous — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 12:40:57 -0800

My dog has damaged (bitten through the skin) 3 other dogs and was just diagnosed with heartworm. I know it's a bit impersonal to ask online, but can help me figure out when it is time to consider putting down my pet? Daisy was adopted 3 years ago as a rescue dog, she was 1-2 years old and basically an adolescent, now an adult. She has attacked 3 dogs who were allowed in our house and damaged two of them. She has also attacked a family member's dog in that dog's house after they had spent much time there together over the past 3 years. In each case the damage was 1-2 lacerations caused by Daisy's teeth and on the area around the other dogs' shoulders.

We were concerned after her most recent episode that she may be ill as friends told us a sick dog can change it's behavior ... so we took her to the vet and found out that she is heartworm positive. We're waiting for the results of a confirmation test and an x-ray, possibly to follow up with a sonogram then the relatively costly (estimated at $650-1300) treatment which cannot guarantee a positive outcome.

Beyond these issues, Daisy has a severe case of "separation anxiety" which has improved over time, but is still classified as severe. She no longer damages herself while waiting for us to return home, but she has destroyed plenty of carpet, a door frame, and damaged some other items around the house. She is now able to eat a small amount while we're away, but still refuses to drink to the point that she will vomit bile if left alone for more than 8 hours. This makes her potential for adoption limited especially in light of her inability to be trusted in a home with another dog.

Given that (1) Daisy cannot live in a home with another dog or where interaction with other dogs must be closely monitored, (2) her separation anxiety makes her a poor candidate for adoption because of the damage she will likely cause to a new owner's home if left alone, (3) her dog-aggressive behavior, and (4) the risks and costs of heartworm treatment, is it time to put her down?

For now our plan is to contact a behaviorist and have her evaluated for dog and person aggression then continue her heartworm treatment if they think she can be rehabilitated to a reasonable degree.

My wife and I are very attached to Daisy, this makes decisions about her very hard to separate from our feelings. Our family (who also love Daisy) have let us know that they think it is time to let her go and find another rescue dog who otherwise would be facing death. As much as I can detach myself from the situation, I think they are right, but when I consider actually following through on that I fall apart and rationalize nearly any expense or problems.

I've contacted several Bay Area shelters and foundations regarding adoption possibilities and they are inclined to not accepting her because of the temperament and health issues.

Please help with identifying resources for dealing with these questions and let me know your thoughts on our situation. Thanks for your detached wisdom and thoughts.

Follow up emails can be sent to daisydogquestion@yahoo.com

It's nice to be wanted, just not all at once

Anonymous — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 07:29:42 -0800

It's MBA hiring season. I have been selected to attend second round interviews with three different companies in three different cities on three consecutive days. This is the schedule:

City 1: 9:00am - 4:00pm Eastern on a Wednesday
City 2: 6:00pm Wed. evening and 8:00am - 4:00pm Central on Thursday
City 3: 4:00pm Thursday Evening and 8:00am - 3:00pm on Friday

Each city is separated by a 2 hour flight, not including extra time to get to and from the airport. I have committed to attend the interview in City 3 since they notified me first and it is my first choice job. There isn't much of a conflict with the interview in City 1, but it would be nice to leave early to get to City 2. City 2 and City 3 were originally scheduled for the same days at the same times, but City 2 agreed to move back a day, but not enough to prevent overlapping with Thursday evening in City 3.

If I am unable to make it to City 2, they have indicated that they will "see if any positions remain" after interviewing the candidates who are able to make it. I interpret that to mean there's not much of a chance of getting another opportunity if I can't make it for the interview.

Short of chartering a private jet, should I tell City 2 "thanks, but no thanks?" I would prefer not to in this economy, but the timing of these interviews is so tight that a simple flight delay could ruin my chances at two companies.

Any other additional thoughts or approaches would be appreciated.

Anon email: itsnicetobewanted@gmail.com

Old Car: How to decide on repair vs. replace?

Juffo-Wup — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 22:39:05 -0800

I drive a 1992 Toyota Camry with just over 203,000 miles on it. As far as I know, the car is in good mechanical condition except that the rear struts are in fairly desperate need of replacement. How do you calculate the payback period for repairing an old but paid-off car, and how might you use this information to help decide whether to repair the car or buy a newer used car? The Camry is paid off, starts reliably and runs smoothly and quietly. It burns about three quarters of a quart of oil every 3,000 miles, but its rear struts are shot. They make rattling noises going over even the mildest of bumps and over the past few months, the car's ride has become increasingly rough because of this.

So far, I have only obtained one estimate on repairing the rear struts and that estimate was $1,200. That sounds high to me and I plan to get one or two more estimates but regardless of the actual cost, I don't know how to compute the payback period of such a repair. (I'm also not sure that a 'payback period' is what actually needs to be computed in order to make an informed repair vs. replace decision.)

If I were to purchase a newer car, I would most likely buy a 2002-2004 Toyota Corolla, for which I would pay about $10,000. Given my credit rating, I expect the monthly payment on a 4-year $10,000 loan to be about $250. My monthly insurance payment would also increase by about $50, resulting in a net monthly car payment increase of $300. I could afford this but would prefer not to pay it if I don't have to; that is, if it wouldn't cost me even more money to keep my current car running. I expect that I could sell my car in its current condition for about $1,000, which I could use against the first three months' payments or as a down payment, lowering the loan's principal by $1,000.

My initial line of reasoning was as follows: If I pay $1,200 to repair my car, and the car works for another 4 months without needing any further repairs, I will have broken even on the repair since $1,200 divided by 4 (months) is $300. I soon came to realize that this line of reasoning assumes that the car would become undriveable within 4 months if I do not have it repaired. I do not know whether this is the case but I suspect that if push came to shove, I could probably drive the car to and from work (40 miles round trip) for at least another four months without repairing it, letting the ride become rougher until the car possibly shakes some other vital component loose into a state of total malfunction.

As far as other maintenance goes, I replaced the battery and flushed the engine's coolant last year, flushed the transmission fluid (because the torque converter lockup mechanism was sticking; the flush completely fixed this) and replaced the radiator (its plastic end-cap had cracked open) about two years ago, installed new rotors and calipers on the brakes about two years ago, had the air conditioner's condenser replaced about four years ago, and replaced the timing belt at 150,000 miles. I replaced the front struts about 5 years ago as they had gone bad. I'd say the tires have about 25,000 miles left on them.

If I drive the car until it literally dies, I guess I'd be on the hook for the cost of towing it to a junkyard as well as a couple days' rental until I could obtain a newer car. If I preemptively buy a newer car, I feel like I'd be unnecessarily making large insurance and loan payments.

Is there some general formula that can be used in situations like this to help indicate whether a repair is worthwhile? I would also appreciate any specific advice any of you may have.

What is the feeling of having a feeling, of knowing a feeling, and following a feeling?

TomMelee — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 19:43:40 -0800

A good friend of mine just took his own life. That's not what this question is about...it's more about direction. This is long, so bear with me. I guess that's not entirely accurate. It's sort of about his death. Before I explain I want to throw out a couple "please's". Here they are:
1. Please don't ask for details about what he did.
2. Please don't tell me to talk to a therapist. I'm talking.
3. Please don't tell me sorry, because I'm not sorry for me.

Ok, so that's out of the way. Background---he was bipolar for a long time, in and out of the hospital, on and off medication, etc. About a year ago I had to be part of the team who asked him not to come back to work, as he'd become a liability. We didn't put it like that. If anything, he was a Buddhist, completely unselfish but also steadfastly unbelieving in an afterlife. He was an artist with an engineering degree (and a sculpture degree, but he was a mixed-media kinda guy)---a strange outlook with gifted hands.

So on Saturday he took the final step. I think that, given the circumstances, he tried to change his mind at the end and it was too late. I'll never know. Regardless, here's where this gets deep:

I don't think I feel much anymore. I haven't for a long, long time. Not just this, but I mean anything. I don't feel like I love my girlfriend most of the time, I don't feel like excited when I hear about friends having babies, I don't look at things with forboding, I don't get worried. I want a child, I'm ready I think, but last month we thought my girlfriend might be pregnant and I didn't FEEL it, dammit, just a shimmer of excitement and no worry at all. I don't have any problem sleeping, and I don't have any problem doing my job. I enjoy my life, I just don't get mad/sad/super happy. I haven't cried but for the death of a pet in...I think...almost 10 years. I got moist when a classmate passed away a couple months ago, but I didn't cry. I still haven't cried over my friend. I might at the service, but I don't know. I've totally destroyed myself physically in the last couple years, broken bones, sprains, strains, etc---no tears, no missing even a days work.

The only thing I can attribute that to is that, about 10 years ago, I got marginally falsely accused of some bad shit, went to court, did a little time, have a record. I think it was more traumatizing than I realize, and maybe there's some PTSD floating around in there somewhere. I pretty much call bullshit on that though, because there's on time and place I feel ALIVE and RIGHT, which is the next part of this...

Today I went to the youth center where he and I both worked for a long long time. I went there more for the teens, so they could talk and question me and just to be there for them. I know I got more out of it than they did, at least today. When I'm there I'm glad and there's a spring in my step, and when I'm talking with these folks I've grown so close to it's like it's where I absolutely need to be. I worked there for 9 years, I only left because they couldn't afford to pay me anymore. I still sneak out there whenever I can.

A couple years ago, I almost *almost* went back to grad school for counseling. Not psychology or psychiatry, nothing like that--just counseling. Just helping young people find a self-wrought path in the maze. I never did it though, because my student loans were wrecked and I didn't have any money.

I still don't have any money, but my loans are fixed.

I feel like this is my opportunity to pick a concrete reason to go back. I have no delusions about being able to save him---he needed a hospital. I've come to a point of stagnation in my current job, sort of a crisis of conscience really I think, and I find that I like it less every day. There's a lot more to that, but I'll leave it as it stands.

SO, for the question(s)...
I'm not beholden to anyplace. Where has a FANTASTIC youth based counseling Masters or PhD program that is NOT for in-school guidance counselors. (Our hometown Uni has one, but if I'm gonna do this I wanna do it RIGHT.)

Also

In your experience with this sort of thing, what did you feel? Did you feel anything? I don't feel guilt so much as I feel like it's a terrible waste of a brilliant mind and artist, and I feel like it's an active dialogue on mental healthcare in America. I'm a get-your-hands-dirty kinda guy, so now I want to do something about it. Give me direction.

Also feel free to tell me anything else you might have to share. You can even yell at me.

Also---thanks for letting me babble. My girlfriend is completely unable to comprehend and deal with stress and loss. She's been shut down completely since the news came, and she and he didn't even get along.

Is that grass really greener?

Anonymous — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 04:34:30 -0800

Job dilemma. I just started job A in a field I have no passion for and I'm miserable. Do I do a u-turn and ask about the offer I previously rejected? A while ago I asked this question:

I took the sensible option and went for the good job with big wage hike. The people are nice, the place is gorgeous and historic, the structure is robust, the benefits are great. And I've never felt so uninspired.

I don't regret turning down job B, but after that whole decision was made, another offer came, for a job that wasn't even advertised, with a third organisation who were previously my dream employers (big natural history museum). They got in touch and offered me a job similar to the rejected one, but way cooler on a two-year contract with the intention of becoming permanent. I despaired and in the end after much soul-searching, I felt I had to turn them down, job A seeming like the most practical option in these recession be-dimmed times. They were dissappointed and told me to get in touch if job A didn't work out.

I've only been in the new job for a few days but feel like I made a mistake, and I don't know how to deal with it. I want to get back in touch with dream employer to see if Job C is still open, but only if I'm sure I want to take it so as not to mess them around in any way. But is it madness to take a $20K wage drop, suck up the lengthy and painful commute and difficult management structure to work on Job C with no guarantee of permanent status, just because I'm crazy about the work they do?

Or do i stick with job A, which is considerably saner as an institute, (but rather conservative with content I find dull), because it affords me greater time, headspace and financial resource for a life outside work, (including, ironically, be able to continue my part-time degree in a science subject deeply relevant to job C but completely unrelated to Job A).

My sensible head is telling me to stick out job A for at least three months to see whether or not I'll fit in and grow to enjoy the work, but my fear is that it's a long shot and by the time I'm fully done it will be too late for job C. Should I stop fantasising and just get on with the job I accepted like a proper grown up, or do I take advantage of the current situation (I'm early 30s, renting, no debt or dependents) and go for broke? Or is there a third option I'm not aware of?

As I've already driven friends and family mad with the first decison, I'm turning to you lovely people for further perspective!

Should I stay or should I go?

claudius — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 07:00:56 -0800

My former boss contacted me out of the blue a couple of months ago, offering me a job. After some protracted negotiations the time has come to decide if I should take it or not. Currently I am the IT manager at a small web software company. I find my work uninspiring and my company poorly run. Moreover, I've stopped learning here, and most days I feel like this. The one advantage of my current job is that I was able to negotiate a certain amount of flexibility which allows me to study towards a Masters in Mathematics in the evening. I've been doing this for one semester, and have 3 semesters to go at the current rate.

The job I've been offered is doing IT support and Document Control on a large engineering job in Kazakhstan. It pays roughly double what I earn at the moment. Of course, I won't be able to continue my course while I'm living on the steppe, although I can defer my study for up to a year.

The way I see it, there are four possible outcomes:

1a) I take the job in Kazakhstan and all goes swimmingly. I come home with sufficient money saved to be able to do at least one semester of my masters fulltime, and then find a job which will allow me to complete the remainder in a reasonable time.

1b) I take the job in Kazakhstan but during the trial period (3 months) the company decides that I'm not who they were looking for, and I return home. I will have missed the cutoff date for the current semester, and will have to find a job. I will have no significant savings to draw on. At the least, I will have an incentive to find a more satisfying job at home.

2a) I don't take the job, and I continue studying while looking for a new job here. I really should doing this already, but with the time commitments to studying I haven't really been looking.

2b) I don't take the job, I continue my course, and I don't look for other work.

So, having mapped out all the possibilities, I guess what I'm looking for is a calculus or decision making. How do people usually decide these kinds of things? Gut feeling?

Some pertinent information: I'm male, 29, interested in Central Asia (among other things). I have a constant feeling that I should have constinued studying maths/physics when I was younger and that now I'm a bit over the hill.

Grad school choice.

Anonymous — Sun, 04 May 2008 07:53:59 -0800

GradSchoolDecisionFilter: Help me choose between NYU and the University of Washington! So I'm a grad student in English, doing work mostly with science fiction and media theory. I've already accepted an offer from the University of Washington's English department, after angsting over the decision for weeks. What drove this decision was:

* The UW's strong Geography department (much of my work has overlaps with Geography, and there's already grad students in the English department there doing work with professors from over there)
* One fairly big name professor doing cybercultures stuff in the English department, who would most likely be my advisor.
* A reasonable teaching load (fellowship with no teaching first and fifth year, one class a quarter in the years between, chance to teach upper-division courses)
* The public school ethos at the UW is much more attractive to me than the private school/corporate university meanness I've heard about NYU.

What's driving the regret, though, is:

* NYU's the bigger name, with substantially (but not overwhelmingly) better placement.
* NYU is on a hiring spree (including one big name in media studies/print culture coming over this year), while the UW is perennially facing budget cuts.
* I could pretty easily put together a solid committee for media studies work there, involving mostly people who work outside my period, but whose theoretical bent matches mine.
* NYU's teaching schedule is almost unbelievably light -- five years of funding, two years of teaching a section of a large lecture class led by a professor. Seems strange to think about going on the market with only my two years teaching while working on my MA as real teaching experience, but... well, it sounds pretty cushy, would give me more time to get more stuff published, and the job market in English does seem to privilege research over teaching.
* Hey, living in NYC seems like something this particular West Coast boy should do at some time in his life.
but that brings us to the main thing:

* I went to the UW for my BA. It's been five years and an MA between then and now, but going back home for my PhD seems way weird. Also, I have not heard very, very mixed things about what doing BA and PhD at the same school does to one's prospects on the job market. FWIW, most of the actual people I worked with when I was there for my BA are at other schools now -- the department now is quite different from the one back then.

I've found out that NYU didn't hit their wait list this year -- which means that likely the funding for me is still available -- and that there's a chance they'd still let me in. So: should I ask NYU if it's possible to slink back in? At this point (two weeks after the official deadline), I wouldn't ask if I wasn't going to accept a re-opened offer -- it would be too much of a "screw you!" gesture to ask them to jump through the required hoops to get reapproved. So, um, should I?

[Note: This one isn't actually from me, but from my best friend sans MeFi account. Just a'sos you know, even though this part is probably irrelevant.]

big anniversary coming - wife wants to travel, I want to secretly buy her a car

Anonymous — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 11:54:23 -0800

This summer marks a big wedding anniversary. I wanted to surprise my wife with a car. She is now talking about wanting to travel. Since both ideas require advance planning, how do I open this dialog with my wife, while trying to keep the element of surprise? My wife has been driving minivans for the last 8 or so years. She is definitely ready to be out of minivan mode. I couldn't blame her. I would like to give her in something nicer and more fun to drive.

I was wanting to surprise her by handing her the keys on the morning of our tenth wedding anniversary.

She's now talking about wanting to travel and is starting to check airfares/destinations. Financially, I'm not comfortable with both the trip and the car. A possibility would be to spend less on a car and take a less-expensive trip.

We don't 'need' a car, nor is the purchase of a different car dependent upon selling our current van. I will, however, eventually sell the van and use the proceeds toward the new(to us) car. Its not like the van will be 'missing' for a few days leading up to our anniversary.

I've been wanting to give my wife a nicer vehicle for some time. Again, our current van is clean, running well, and paid for. Outside of wanting to do something special for my wife, there are no real concrete plans for replacing the van.

I've accepted the fact that plan A is probably not going to happen. The beans are going to have to be spilled. I need to open a dialog with my wife and let her know about my intentions while being respectful of her wanting to plan something. Any suggestions?

mods: anon because wife is a occasional visitor

What are your "good," "ethical," or "moral" criteria for spending your money? Organic? Fair Trade? Made in America?

k7lim — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 08:19:06 -0800

What are your "good," "ethical," or "moral" criteria for spending your money? Organic? Fair Trade? Made in America? No Animals Harmed in the Making Of This ____? For the dollars you spend on goods and services, what values do you consider other than the value to yourself? Explain why. There are so many considerations in this regard, and I'd like to have a firmer grounding in mine and perhaps debunk some common myths in this regard.

For example, I've heard that NO soaps undergo animal testing, as soap has been proven to work as a technology, so why would any corporation waste money putting ole shampoo on a terrier?

Am I ready to buy a house?

TomMelee — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 19:54:12 -0800

Am I ready to buy a house? Disgusting details inside. Me, in a nutshell. 27, male, unmarried, no kids, live in girlfriend. Making right at a whopping $30k a year. Debt-right at $14k in student loans, and about $9k on a car, that's it. I have about $2k in cash savings, accrued mostly in the last 6 months. I have never bought a home before and will most likely qualify for first time homebuyers incentives if the house meets the criteria. Monthly debt $250 car payment, $130 insurance, $50 cell phone, student loans in forbearance. No credit cards or other accounts.

Houses in my immediate town are pretty well out of the question. I'd be looking at $100k to open a door. I'll be looking outside the city limits, where, for example, $65k will get me a house and 13 acres.

Catches: Student loans are JUST out of default. I'm being told it will take up to 3 months for them to fall of my credit report. With them on there, the score is a whopping 520-550. Right now I live in a house owned by my mother, she will be selling it in the spring.

According to the interwebs and fannie mae, I should be able to afford up to a $92,000 house. I don't *want* to. I won't even consider anything over $65k. I have not yet been preapproved.

So, questions: Am I ready to buy a house?
Would I be better to buy a cheap one ($30k-ish) and fix it up with the possibility of reselling? I manage a hardware store---I can get anything I need quite cheap and usually do it myself.

Tell me what to do MeFi! Oh, and getting married is not going to happen any time soon, so don't even suggest that.

the rural juror

RockyChrysler — Thu, 11 Oct 2007 20:40:45 -0800

How can I find, online, a decision rendered recently by my county court. I was called to jury duty recently and while I was not, in the end, selected as a juror, I did find myself intrigued by the case. I would like to know its outcome. I have reviewed court calendar [pdf] online and it appears the case is over. But I cannot find any documentation online as to the final judgement. Are such things made commonly available as public record online? I've looked here, and here... but I'm not sure what, if anything, they're telling me about the final rendition of the case. Am I missing something, or should I be looking elsewhere?

For the record, the case is Warren v. Walgreens and was tried during the first and second weeks of October 2007 in Coconino County Superior Court, Division II.

how do i make decisions like a grown-up?

genmonster — Tue, 11 Sep 2007 14:06:17 -0800

how do YOU go about making a difficult/complex decision? so i need to decide if i should move out of my apartment or not. but instead of going into all the gory details, i want to know of decision making methods that have worked well for you. do you make a totally analytical pros/cons list? are you happy with the outcome it provides? just go with your gut?

living-situation type choices usually make me nuts, so give me a method to follow that will help me make a decision i'm happy with.

:(

howiamdifferent — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 23:35:55 -0800

how my perfectionism, indecisiveness, and depression are driving me mad. Help! I am driving myself insane!
For months now I have been struggling to make a decision. Basically, I have graduated last year with a Computer/communication engineering (with excellent marks) degree and am currently working as a specialist in a very well-known company in my country. The disadvantage is that the work is based in a city different from my hometown. This results in the following problems:
a) I am away from my family and sometimes feel lonely.
b) the cost of living here is insane!
c) the work, while promising, is kinda hard for me (it requires dealing with lots of people and I am somewhat an introvert).
d) a harsh and very demanding boss.

but..
a) it is a very promising career path. Especially that it's somewhat marketing-oriented in a company that is undergoing a major switch from being an engineering-oriented company to a marketing-oriented one.
b) living in a big city gives me access to things I can't access back home, like cultural events..etc.

After months of calling different people who can range from unfriendly to very sympathetic, I have been able to find a vacancy in my hometown in my current company's branch located there. Basically, it is an engineering supervision job where I supervise technicians who maintain equipment. Not a job to kill for, i know...

so the disadvantages are:
a) a seemingly dull job.
b) not much growth.
c) I will be able to eat healthy homemade food (prepared by my mom) as opposed to the terrible fast food diet I am stuck with here.

while the advantages:
a) same salary as my current salary, along with the very low cost of living means I will live very comfortably.
b) I will be close to my family who I love dearly.
c) the "big city" is an hour drive so I can still be involved in its thriving cultural scene.

For months now I've been battling indecisiveness and can't for the life of me make the decision. Being a perfectionist, and depressed (i am currently on prozac) is also not helping at all. To give you an example of my current misery: yesterday I called the relevant HR personnel and told her to go on with my transfer procedure. This morning I called her and told her to hold on. I am sure she now thinks I am nuts cause this was the 2nd time I've done so.

Help me please :(

Which car to get?

phoenixy — Sun, 26 Aug 2007 20:01:37 -0800

Which used car to buy: Infiniti I30 or Mazda 626? Okay, I'm trying to choose between a 2002 Mazda 626 (V4, LX trim with safety package) and a 1998 Infiniti I30. Both have the same mileage (70k) and are automatic. The Mazda has a $700 lower asking price, but I would have to discount the cost of installing a cooling system, which is like $200. Mazda's sold by a reputable seeming used car dealership, Infiniti by a private seller.

It seems like the Infiniti is a nicer car with better customer reviews on MSN and all kinds of cool shit like leather seats and new tires, but I like the looks of the Mazda better, and the Mazda doesn't have to take premium gas and comes with a 4-month warranty from the dealership. I did a Carfax on the Mazda (don't have the VIN for the Infiniti yet) and it came out clean with 3 owners (one of them a rental company). It's been recorded as different colors in its history, if that matters--it was originally gray, it's gray now, but it's twice recorded as being yellow). The Infiniti has had one owner.

I am not planning on doing anything really exciting with my car, just driving 15 miles a day to and from work in awful traffic, parking on the street, and occasionally making 250-mile round trip weekend vacations. It snows where I live, if that makes a difference, but they plow well too. I am also a kind of mediocre driver and my boyfriend will be learning to drive in this car, so safety and repair costs matter. Anyone have thoughts or suggestions?

Posting here instead of Edmunds because I got really bad advice last time I tried the Edmunds forums.

How to make a tough career decision, when you're an anxiety-riddled lunatic?

EL-O-ESS — Thu, 26 Apr 2007 18:58:55 -0800

Decision-making strategies filter: How to make a hard decision regarding art, uncertainty, academia, a move and major fears? The story: I’m an artist currently making my living with design work and small teaching gigs. I’ve been offered a relatively decent academic job in a place my partner and I don’t want to live. We love where we’re living now, I’m fairly happy with my job(s), and have a decent amount of time to pursue my artwork.

The complications: My partner is quitting her job—the one that has given us a steady and reliable source of income while I’ve been freelancing. No matter what we decide to do, she will be quitting to try and make a go of her own creative career, which has been steadily gaining momentum in her spare time. The ideal for her would be for us to do this together, to combine our creative/art/design pursuits into a joint business venture, and go for it. And when I think about how I ideally want to spend my days, making things with her is a no-brainer.

However, facing the prospect of making a go of our art careers has me almost paralyzed with fear. In the typical situation, I would be telling you that my big fear is moving across country for this job, and you would be telling me to face my fears and do it. And while the idea of a move to a disappointing place coupled with a potentially time-and-creativity-sucking job in academia is indeed cripplingly fearsome, the idea of staying here, giving up our safety nets, attempting to live as artists--and failing--is HORRIFYING. Basically, my worst fear: confirmation that we don’t have what it takes.

My ultimate goal in life is to make art, every second of every day. But I have, of course, been taught to believe that that’s basically impossible, and that an academic job is fraught with complications but ultimately necessary. And I do love teaching, but all of the teachers I know are barely able to pursue their artwork anymore.

We’re still young, we have energy, love, boundless creativity and few responsibilities (no house, no kids), a healthy cushion saved up, and my partner will continue to receive her salary for three months after quitting. If we stay and it doesn’t work out, we won’t starve. There are many temp jobs we’re qualified for, people willing to take us in, and there’s always next year’s (equally tempestuous and uncertain) academic job market. It would be our dream to stay in the city we adore, with our friends and professional connections, and be able to live off of our creative work together. That’s the daily life I get most excited about. And yet the prospect of really going for it has me paralyzed with fear, instinctively looking for the first salaried position I can find. Do we take the flat road, the reasonably safe and secure choice, or do we jump off the freaking cliff? I realize this is a decision that only we can make, and that I’ve left things too vague to solicit good advice…

My actual question, friends, is what strategies are there for making this decision in an intelligent way, without becoming blinded by anxiety? How do we weigh all the different variables? What aspects of the decision are forgetting to even consider? And once a decision has been made, how do I move forward without second-guessing, or succumbing to fear or regret?

I feel that I am at a major crossroads in my life, and I would appreciate any input on my decision.

metawabbit — Tue, 23 Jan 2007 11:07:50 -0800

Please help a lawyer decide whether to become a police officer/detective. My background: I am a 31 year-old male. I live in Southern California. I have been a practicing attorney for almost two years. I got married to the woman of my dreams about nine months ago. We plan to have children in two to three years.

The short question: Whether I should abandon my career as an attorney to pursue what I now realize is my dream of becoming a police detective?

How I arrived at this crossroads: My undergraduate degree is in psychology. After undergrad, I was interested in going to grad school for psychology or law school. Since I had a decent idea of what the psychology career path would entail, I took two years off to explore the legal career path by working at a law firm. I have never regretted my decision to pursue law over psychology. However, I have always entertained the idea of getting both degrees, but did not do so because I could not find an application for such a dual degree that sounded appealing. Recently, I’ve started to think that a career in law enforcement, specifically as a police detective, is the ideal fit for me. I am reasonably good at practicing law and enjoy the work okay; I know that both of these will get better with time.

Why I want to be a police detective: Just the idea of working as a police detective makes me happy and puts a smile on my face. If all jobs paid the same and came with the same prestige, I would choose to be an officer over a lawyer, psychologist, or anything else. I believe that my personality and natural talents lend themselves most directly to work as an officer: I am in very good physical condition, especially for a 31-year-old lawyer. I have been told that my presence and demeanor alone are intimidating (not because I’m big, I’m only 6’ 185 lbs.) and that even when I feel nervous inside I appear to be completely calm (think: interviewing witnesses and interrogating suspects). I love to study people’s unconscious motivations. I love to manipulate people/situations, mostly in ways that are benign or at least not harmful. By all accounts, I am an excellent driver. Nothing gives me more satisfaction that to help other people, even at the expense of my own interests. Even by lawyer standards, I am very reasonable, rational, and analytical (think: putting together evidence to solve a crime).

The problem, in order of increasing importance: (1) Obviously, I will need to take a pay cut. I would like to give this factor as little weight as possible, since I don’t think that money should enter into such an important equation. (2) From what I understand, I will need to start at the bottom even if I want to be a detective and even if I am a lawyer. (3) I don’t want to get injured or killed. (4) The most important factor is that, by any measure, my wife is hyper fearful/paranoid/anxious/etc. Without going into detail, suffice it to say, she will spend a lot of time worrying if I become an officer/detective (much more than the average spouse). Also, I would feel guilty because she married a lawyer, and her parents married her to a lawyer, not an police man.

The Opportunity Cost Is Killing Me

Anonymous — Tue, 09 Jan 2007 22:26:19 -0800

I need to ask a sort of cost-benefit analysis question about my job. Basically, I've either need to jump ship or chin up and hang on, but I can't decide how detrimental either choice might be. I work in banking/finance. I previously worked for a very niche sort of bank, and I liked it okay, but it was my first job out of college, so within three years I was pretty ready to look at some new people. I was offered a job that is technically lower on the rung to what I had been doing at a start-up bank. What was supposed to happen is that I was to come in and do Job X, which wouldn't necessarily be hard for me, and be taught how to do better-paid Job Y while doing Job X (Job X is essentially assistant to Job Y, and lots of people do this). Now, this is a small organization, ~30 people. Six months down the road, I've learned precious little about Higher Paid and More Desirable Job Y and I am rapidly losing patience with Job X. Additionally, some of the people I have to deal with very closely are blindingly incompetent, so I have the utter joy of a job that simultaneously bores me to tears while subjecting me to huge amounts of stress stemming from other people's incompetence.

I recently received a call from my old boss (actually, two bosses ago at the old job) and she wants me to come back in a position that is technically lower than I left the organization before, but is something I know I can do. It will provide me with more daily privacy/autonomy, less oversight due to boredom rather than need, and I already know whom to avoid because they are incompetent or annoying and I know how to do it (and it's possible because Old Job is a huge company). The title is equivalent to what I am doing now -- title wise, I went from X Analyst to X Specialist and this will be yet another X Specialist job. I am assuming I won't have to take a pay cut, as that basically voids the comparison.

So, all this long-windedly said, I'm not sure if I'm getting ants in my pants too quickly, or if I am not allowing enough ramp up time. I'm starting to feel pretty used, though, and on top of being unchallenged and dealing with a massive level of idiocy, I'm not sure if this is worth another six months of my life. Yes, I am aware that there are morons everywhere -- but some of my "co-workers" are really testing my ability to cope. So, after all this, the question is: Am I being taken advantage of, or should I give it some time? How bad is it going to look on my resume to bounce back to the old place? Are there consequences to this that you've experienced that I'm not thinking of?

Since this is anonymous and by necessity vague, I give you my throwaway Gmail account: jobxer@gmail.com.

Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind killer.

lekvar — Fri, 01 Dec 2006 12:47:29 -0800

Have you ever found yourself paralyzed with indecision? How did you break through? I find myself in a general life situation which I is unacceptable. I'd like to make several fairly drastic changes (go back to school, get a new job, the usual) but I find myself unable to start out of fear of messing up since I'm in a fairly delicate situation financially. Further details available upon request, but this is a general question about breaking through the fear of negative repercussions.

How do you know when to settle down and make a life for yourself?

Anonymous — Thu, 30 Nov 2006 08:33:54 -0800

When do you know that it's time to move on to a new stage in life vis-a-vis settling down with one person and starting a family? I grew up in a very religious community, and left it at age 20, which was six years ago. Since that time, I've been trying to make up for a cloistered adolescence -- nothing too extreme, just casual dating, a fling here and there, a relationship that was planned to last six months and not longer due to her leaving the city.

I recently met a woman on an online dating site who's a bit older than I am -- 33 to my 26. Our online conversations have been fantastic so far, but of course the age difference keeps on coming up. It's not so much of an a priori "you're way younger than me" problem; I've always been attracted to woman older than me, and I find I get along best with early 30-somethings. She, though, is specifically looking for someone with whom to settle down and eventually procreate. It's a scary proposition when you think about it for the first time.

I guess the question is, how do you know if and when you're ready to make the transition from 'dating for fun' to 'dating for a future'? To make things more difficult, I'm starting medical school in September.

Live in paradise or rent free in Beverly Hills?

crewshell — Tue, 22 Aug 2006 10:39:02 -0800

Which direction in my life do I take? (plenty of info inside) What should I do with my life? I am at a cross road…

Short back story – I moved to NY 2 years ago to pursue my acting (I moved from DC) while there I worked several survival jobs until I started in real estate. After 5 months in that I closed a very big deal and had to decide what to do. Stay in NY Real Estate or move to LA to continue my acting dreams… I choose LA. I moved here and from the few small acting jobs I had had in NY I was able to join the union (SAG). Now its been a year and 2 months since I’ve been in LA and my acting career is completely stalled.. I’ve gotten several commercial call backs from auditions this year but I do not really have any theatrical representation… In the last 5 months the truth is I’ve had to focus on my day job (which again has turned to real estate) to pay the bills and have not put as much energy into my acting career. Because of which I have just recently received my CA State real estate license so I can attempt to move out of assistant and into the role of an agent…

Now with all of this in mind I bring my real question…

While I am not guaranteed the slot, I have a very good chance of acquiring it if I put fourth the effort. So should I pursue a free apartment in Beverly Hills (it’s an apartment in a very large house) where I would be there to look after the estate but generally a work free position… this would be long term and would give me a very nice great free place to live. And free up a large chunk of my monthly bills. (if I choose this option, then my second decision would be – do I stay in real estate… or find something a bit more consistent, while continueing to follow my acting goals..)

Or

Should I take my good friends offer to move to the Virgin Island (st. Thomas) and help him open up a new restaurant… I have some restaurant experience but at this point he is more looking for people he trusts and knows – that on top of my experience I think it could work out really well.. The only draw back is that I would need to unload my car and I am probably about a grand upside down on it (if I were to sell it privately) and would not have a large amount to move with.. and of course would still have whatI call "baggage bills" credit cards, student loans, etc... things that would follow me there.

Both of these opportunities are fast upon me and I need to come to a decision…

I know there are lots more details… but I just am at one of those moments and not really sure which direction to go, any and all opinions welcome…