Ask MetaFilter posts tagged with death

How to support my mother after her sister's death?

segatakai — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 08:31:50 -0800

What kinds of things can/should I do for my Mother, upon the death of her sister (my Aunt), in order to make her more at ease, both now, and over the ensuing months/years? My Aunt has just passed away, and I am packing now to make the 15 hour flight home tomorrow to support my Mom. With my Father gone, both her parents gone (and with me [an only child] living out of the country), the passing of her sister leaves her more alone than ever. She has friends, and family on my Father's side, but that's not quite the same, I would venture.
I am, and have pretty much always been, very close to my Mom, even though we live far apart, so I can and will ask her directly what she'd like from me, both while I'm home (for a week), and after (we talk regularly -- usually once a week -- by phone or Skype). But I guess what I'm asking here is, what can you tell me about the (kinds of) things that I can do that maybe she doesn't even know (yet) herself that she'd like, or that might put her at ease, etc? Tell me about your experiences in this regard.
I don't think I'm thinking straight, or writing very clearly, and I won't be able to look at any answers until I get back home, probably 24 hours from now, but I want to support her the best I can, and I'm not sure what to do beyond just being there and doing whatever comes up that needs doing. <-- that will be "enough" but I'd like to do more than just "enough."
Just to try to be a little more specific, I'd like to hear about tangible things like "make sure you have a pen when you go to the funeral home," but also intangible, such as ... well, that's why I'm asking...

In case it might be relevant, she's in her 60's.

Thanks in advance for your suggestions.

How can I make time slow down?

changeling — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 09:44:09 -0800

How can I make time slow down? I turn 25 today. And time is passing so quickly, I'm terrified.

I know other people are aware of this; it comes with aging. Maybe our memories condense, like a defragmented drive. I used to feel the fear occasionally -- in the dentist's chair, for example (wasn't I just here? IS THIS PURGATORY?). But for the last year or so, the fear has always been around the edges of my consciousness. Sometimes it comes on so strong I have to force it from my mind to function.

It seems like I'm always going to bed, if that makes any sense. Discovering another day has passed.

Maybe because I'm a writer now and work from home. My days are so routine. It also doesn't help that I write YA fiction, and am always looking back analytically, wistfully. I do notice time slowing when I travel, at least in the middle of the trip (did we really take that bus this morning? seems like two days ago...)

I don't really fear *Sudden Death!* maybe because as humans, we all feel a little invincible. What I fear is increasingly swift aging, and then death. It's not the physical beauty aspect of it, although that doesn't help. It's the fear that the days and nights will keep slamming together more and more quickly. I don't fear unhappiness -- in general, I'm happy. I am just afraid of time. And, if I let thoughts linger a bit longer.... death, and the possibility of nothingness. Re: religion, I'm pretty much agnostic, though I was raised episcopalian. In a nutshell, I have doubts, and then guilt over doubting.

My questions: How do you deal with it? How can I make time slow down? I know you're not magic. I know maybe I should talk to a counselor. But I also know there are mefites of all ages who must not think about this like I do.

I know, I'm only 25. But that's what scares me the most -- if I'm already aware of the acceleration, how fast will the next ten years seem? And the next ten after that?

A friend of mine asked an elderly acquaintance about this same thing. The man's reply: "Son... nowadays, Christmas comes every month." Shit.

Stay away from the light

generic230 — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 12:32:49 -0800

Besides the Tibetan Book of the Dead, are there other ancient cultural texts about dying? I was wondering what other books, texts, scriptures - from other societies or religions or philosophies talk about the process of dying and passing to the next world.

Memorializing fans in-medium

calistasm — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 17:10:56 -0800

In-medium tributes: Can you think of instances where fans/players have died and been memorialized in some way in a show or game (if you can think of other forms where this has happened go right ahead)? Examples would be Leyla Harrison (X-Files) or Dak "Caylee" Krause (World of Warcraft).

A book for a grieving 20something.

CwgrlUp — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 10:31:31 -0800

Please suggest helpful books on the grieving process for a twentysomething who just lost her mom. My wife, at the ripe old age of 23, just lost her mother unexpectedly. She knows she needs a therapist but she is going to use one at school and classes don't start for another month. In the meantime, I'd appreciate any suggestions on books that might be helpful. Books on the typical grieving process or maybe from someone who has been through a similar situation. Nothing textbookish please, I think something more personal would be best. Something that helps her believe that the things she's going through are "normal." Thanks.

This time, I want to move WITHOUT trauma...

paultopia — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 02:39:51 -0800

How to manage short, cluttered move solo, with no swap space? I'm bad at planning big projects... I'm an on-campus grad student, and in just under a month, I'm moving from one end of campus to another. I'm really bad at big projects, and every other move I've ever made (many) has been a horrible traumatic crisis, with me frantically flinging stuff into boxes with the landlord looming waiting for me to get the hell out, etc. I'm really BAD at this. So I turn to mefi...

Here's the 411.

- It'll probably be just me (I hate recruiting friends to do this).

- No major furniture will be moved, perhaps just a couple of bookshelves.
-- but one of the bookshelves might not be movable (I might not be able to get it out of the old place without destroying it), so I might have to buy a new one before installing the books in the new place.

- But I must get rid of a bed first (and replace it with the disassembled university-provided one attached to my old place).
-- which requires finding the bolts and so forth to put it together, which are buried under mounds of stuff somewhere

- I have hundreds upon hundreds of books. Other than books, the major items to be moved are clothes, paperwork (lots of it), and misc clutter (old computers, etc.) But the brunt of it will be books. It's not too much stuff -- maybe 1.5 rooms worth.

- I'll have two days from getting the keys to the new place before I have to turn in the keys from the old place. So I have to transport everything in that period.

- I have no "swap space" -- that is, in the current place, there is approximately nowhere where I can do things like pre-pack things and pile them up. At most, I can find room for a few (like 4 or 5) small boxes.

- I'm just going across campus, so it seems silly to pack boxes and stuff...

- I have to clean the place too, after the stuff is gone. But I can possibly hire someone to do that on the cheap, and I probably will, because I hate cleaning.

- I can't afford to hire anyone to do anything else.

- Every time I've moved before, in my life, I've ended up living out of boxes because I've been so exhausted after the process that I can't bring myself to unpack.

Help? I'm at a loss for how to plan this. The best I can come up with is pack as many boxes of stuff as I can squeeze in, use that to clear enough space to switch beds out, and then leave the rest for a panicked miserable rush in the two days... ??

thx

Death Defying Oven Cleaning

zackola — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 17:59:33 -0800

Am I going to kill myself why attempting to clean my oven? Hi, there's a self cleaning oven in my apartment. It hasn't been cleaned in what looks like forever. I live in a studio. There is no outdoor ventilation near the oven. Just one window in the apartment, at the opposite end. Is it going to be really fumy in here? Is it going to make all my clothes, couch, and bed stink? (remember studio, all same room) Also, I'm worried about leaving the apartment when the oven is in clean mode, but also worried about fuming myself to death by staying here. Any advice? There were specific instructions in the oven manual about not cleaning it with traditional methods. Is that just BS though?

For I have known a sorrow such as yours, and understand.

Alligator — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 10:36:01 -0800

How can I feel less alone in my grief? A close friend of mine from school died a year ago today. I had only know him for a year, but he was what I would call a kindred spirit. I treasured our new friendship, and I was ecstatic about the times we had ahead. He helped me through some difficult times when I didn't have a whole lot of people to turn to.

Right now, I'm living very far away from home. I'm living in what also happens to be his hometown. I don't have any friends here that knew him. I know that his family, his old significant other, his old friends, etc. are all here in town, and I can't help but feel jealous and isolated in my mourning when I know that so close are all of these people who have each other for support. They can cry, and share memories, and laugh, and go to memorial services and whatever else... while I just sort of sit in my room to feel alone and sorry for myself.

Right now, no matter what I'm doing, in the back of my mind there is always the thought that, "He's dead. He's dead. He's dead." I know this will continue as his birthday and my birthday are both coming up very soon.

Anyway, what can I do to feel less alone in this? I've been tempted to write a letter to his mom about how much he meant to me, but I'm not sure if that's out of line. I'm scared to contact any of his friends from high school because I feel like I'm not worthy or something. I feel weird asking people who didn't know him to take part in memorializing him. Maybe things to read or something. I'm not really sure.

Dealing with loss in a nontraditional relationship

Anonymous — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 05:05:59 -0800

My boyfriend's best friend just died over the weekend. He is inconsolable. I know I can't make it better, but how can I make it suck less? To complicate matters, this is not a "normal" situation, and we're not a "normal" couple. MeFites familiar with BDSM culture and psychology encouraged to reply, particularly those familiar with roleplaying/puppy play. Lengthy details inside; probably NSFW (concept, not content). <>

I'm sorry if this is a little disjointed. I have agonised about this for three days now, but figured that I just needed to get it out there.

First off a couple of clarifications. By "boyfriend" I mean "would be my husband if it were legal here". We've been together a few months short of a decade. We have a kind of D/s relationship (but that in itself is a whole different topic).

The method and timing of $FRIEND's death was very significant, although the question of intent will likely never be answered.

By "best friend" I mean...I can't describe it. Their relationship was short and extremely intense. In the few months they knew each other, they were in constant contact, even though they lived 150 miles apart. Several phone calls a day and constant texting back and forth. They had plans to see each other again in two weeks.

Part of the grieving process is the slow revelation that he was in completely in love with $FRIEND.

I already knew that. I knew for a while now that he would eventually leave me for $FRIEND, it was just a matter of time...their bond was that strong. It hurt some, sure, but I told $BOYFRIEND since day one that I wanted the best for him, even if it wasn't me. We have a very open and very complicated relationship...I really was OK with it. It was a joy to see him so happy.

I have never seen my boy in this state. Never. Inconsolable, devastated, destroyed, shattered, heartbroken...the clichéd adjectives all apply, and still don't come close. He went up to $FRIEND's apartment with a few other friends to help clean the place out and hopefully gain some closure, but spent most of today driving around $FRIEND's city, in tears, unable to handle it, not knowing what to do (he is smart enough to pull over when it starts to get bad). He did not want me to go up with him, even though I insisted. He said it was something he had to do alone.

I know that grief counselling is in order, but here is why that isn't very realistic: a major part of the intensity of the relationship was roleplay. My boy is probably the kinkiest individual I have ever met; I can't even count how many fetishes he has. One of his strongest, though, is puppy play. That's a major part of this loss. He keeps saying over and over "I lost my puppy" and "my packmate is gone" and "there is a puppy-shaped hole in my heart that will never be filled again" and uses terms like "I'm nobody's puppy now" and so forth.

I indulge his kinks to the best of my ability, but this is one area we do not have in common. I hate dogs, and do not understand the attraction or psychology behind puppy play. I just don't get it. But it is very apparent and obvious that this was very real to him, because he seems more upset by the loss of that aspect than the loss of a general close friend. In an attempt to help, I offered to collar him and "adopt" him but he refuses, saying that he will only ever be $FRIEND's puppy and knows that I won't ever "truly" be into it.

I am very familiar with the grieving process (Thanatology was a passion of mine) but I am at a loss here. I just do not understand where he is coming from, how those kinds of relationships work, or what would help. It is tearing me apart to see him in such agony, but I don't know what I can do.

That's the general situation. What can I do, where can I go, what can I read, who can I talk to for help in understanding this, and do you have any suggestions? Followup questions, details, etc can go to orphaned.pup@gmail.com. The grieving and recovery process will be ongoing, so I will be checking this over time. Even if it's a week from now, if you have anything to add, please do. Any and all input is greatly appreciated. Thanks very much.

Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst

anoirmarie — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 15:38:56 -0800

Can anyone help me find any books, serious or not, on surviving a global catastrophe (of any kind), and/or any books with a central theme of love and hope (as a sort of guide to living happily while dealing with an extreme anxiety over the future of the planet and humanity)? Perhaps this is a little broad, but any recommendations would be greatly appreciated. These recommendations will be given to an avid reader in his mid-twenties with a terrific sense of humor, but who is struggling with anxiety in regards to the future, i.e the destruction of the planet, raising a family in a post-apocalyptic environment, etc. etc. Anything sincere, anything funny. Please.

How to start taking care of an estate?

Schismatic — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 14:59:24 -0800

My grandfather died, leaving my father as co-executer of his estate. What are the first steps that my father needs to take? My grandfather died in the hospital yesterday. His wife passed away several years ago, so all of the responsibilities of handling the financial, legal, and burial side of affairs fall to my father and his siblings. My father is the co-executer of the will, along with the daughter of my grandfather's late wife, and is overwhelmed by the number and weight of the matters that need to be dealt with. There is the burial to attend to, pets that now don't have an obvious caretaker, a house that isn't in great shape and contains a good deal of stuff to take care of, plus whatever financial accounts to close.

It's a lot to be stuck with all of a sudden, especially on top of the emotional weight. What are the first steps he should take? I imagine there are people (lawyers? accountants?) that need to be contacted and know what to be done, but who they are isn't obvious right now.

All sleeping dogs die.

kldickson — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 17:37:04 -0800

Dying dog. How do I make him comfortable? The dog named in my previous question is clearly dying (he's gotten much worse ) and I suspect he will be dying in the next few weeks - thankfully, he will die while I'm visiting my parents. He is throwing up what he eats despite an anti-nausea drug, stumbling, and I can absolutely not walk him - he's too unsteady and can't even walk more than a few steps without stumbling because not only is he blind, he's weak. My mother absolutely refuses to euthanize him unless he starts struggling to breathe, and we're taking him to the vet tomorrow to see if they can do anything about his problems.

Help me make him comfortable with perhaps some situation-specific tips.

My young friends wife (27) is in a coma. How do I offer support?

seatofmypants — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 08:55:48 -0800

My friend from childhood - who I haven't really kept up with much even though we live in the same neighborhood - woke up one morning to discover his wife of less than 3 years was unconscious. She is in a coma and it's not clear if she'll ever wake up. They have one kid. How do I offer my support? My friend and I are both 28 and it must be terrible for him to have to deal with this. I am unsure of what I could say to him even though I feel like I should offer some support, maybe in an emotional way.

It's not like we have a regular chat so I have no reason to talk to him outside of this catastrophe. He's also a very quiet and reserved person who keeps his life to himself.

Do I just call up and say: "Hi, I'm so sorry about your wife. How are you feeling?" It sounds contrived and awkward somehow.

Do I just leave him to deal with his stuff and stay out of the way? He has a close family who are with him every step of the way.

Thanks for sharing your tips/experience.

Extra deaths in Shakespeare's Hamlet?

booksandlibretti — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 12:57:33 -0800

Productions of Hamlet in which an additional character dies unexpectedly? (spoilers for a 400-year-old play and modern productions) One currently running production does this (once the show closes, I'll comment to give you the details). I saw it, and was amazed -- then curious whether it'd ever been done before.

A friend suggested that Martin Sheen's Hamlet, from 1968's Public Theater production in Central Park, may have done something similar with a Vietnam-y setting. Unfortunately I can't find information about that assertion, either way.

People expected to die in Hamlet:
-Hamlet
-Hamlet's dad (offstage)
-Fortinbras's dad (offstage)
-Polonius
-Claudius
-Gertrude
-Ophelia
-Laertes
-Rosencrantz
-Guildenstern

Know about a production with an even higher death toll? I'm interested in anything you've got -- from the local production in a church basement on up. The more documentation, the better, obviously. I have access to jstor and other scholarly resources, so feel free to link those articles as well as any others you find. Thanks!

Rollo's

Black_Umbrella — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 23:31:06 -0800

Why are corners cut on some rolling papers? I have been rolling cigarettes for a while now but never thought to ask why many rolling papers have cut corners. Some have the corners cut, some don't, the same brand will sell papers both ways. Whats the deal?

How to Give Comfort

Hildegarde — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 16:57:18 -0800

Has anyone ever had to comfort a person who's been responsible for an accident that caused someone's death? What can one say or do that helps? I'm asking for a friend who already used up her askme question this week. Her father ran into some people with his truck on a gravel road. No alcohol was involved. Any suggestions will be most appreciated.

Party favors for "Death & Taxes"?

Jaqi — Mon, 26 May 2008 12:50:27 -0800

I need ideas for creative (and cheap) party favors for a "Death & Taxes" party I'm hosting early in June! Early in June, my sweetie and I are having 40 of our closest friends and relatives over to our place for a themed party, and we'd like to leave everyone with a token of our appreciation for their travels and attendance.

Relevant notes:
- We'll be having a fun competition at the party, so we could have one set of prizes for the winners (there will be two teams of 20 each) and another set for the "losers", but we want everyone to get something

- The group will consist of folks of all ages, so the gifts need to be "good" for a wide variety of people

- We're cheap, so the more thrifty / frugal, the better!

- The party's going to be themed as "Death & Taxes," but if you have fabulous party favor ideas that you just know'll knock their socks off, don't hold back.

Looking for traffic accident details

shortfuse — Fri, 23 May 2008 16:36:20 -0800

Is there a way to find out details about a particular traffic accident and death that occurred in New Jersey on May 11? The only additional info I have is the name of the deceased. I found out that someone I used to know has passed away due to a traffic accident of some sort. I had fun hanging out with him back in high school, and I'd like to attend the funeral or any remembrance events that might be taking place. Unfortunately I wasn't in touch with him and I don't have a way of contacting the family. I thought of trying to find any published info about the accident which might also contain further info. I didn't find much thru Google. Is there a news/government/community site or instituation that can help with such inquiries? Should I call the police - if so, which one, as I don't know the city where it happened? Thanks.

Help a 3 year old deal with death

TedW — Thu, 22 May 2008 21:57:02 -0800

My wife's beloved grandmother died yesterday and we are wondering how to explain things to our three year old daughter. A little background: Ga-Ga was 88 years old, in failing health but still mostly lucid when she broke her hip last week. After a few ups and downs things were looking reasonably good and she was discharged from the hospital. She then died in her sleep the first night home. Since we lived in the same town, she was a regular presence in our daughter's life, to the point where we all visited her in the hospital in the last few days; our daughter would also ask to call her on the phone. It will be a closed casket funeral/visitation with Catholic mass and we plan to take our daughter rather than simply let Ga-Ga disappear without explanation, but beyond that we are not sure how to explain things. There is plenty of advice on the web, and I have discussed any number of uncomfortable subjects with parents and children in my professional life, but any personal experiences from the folks here would be a great help in guiding us. I probably won't respond for a day or two, but I will eventually post a response to let everyone who answers know how things went.

How do I do what I am supposed to do, and will it make me feel any better to do those things?

bash — Mon, 19 May 2008 12:50:51 -0800

The new normal sucks. How am I supposed to cope after my father's suddenish death? My dad died about five weeks ago after battling cancer for about 5 weeks. We didn't expect him to die so soon after diagnosis. The doctor told me six months.

I came back to where I live after the funeral, 1000 miles away from where my family lives to finish school and catch up on all the work I had missed etc.

Since school got out a week ago, I have been finishing up all the uncompleted work I missed by traveling to visit my father before he died.

I feel like I really suck right now. I have a meeting in an hour and I don't think I can make myself go to it. I had big plans for today and couldn't do any of them. I do some of the things I think will make me feel better, like running or drinking fresh juice and eating well, but all I want to do is read and watch tv and sleep and research grief on the internet. I have a therapist I see once a week. Otherwise, I can't do the things I think people expect me to do.

I want to be alone and do the laundry and not fold it. I want my house to magically be clean. I dread sending an email that says "I can't come to this meeting, I know I said I would be over my grief by this week, but I am not, and I can't leave the house."

My therapist says I should try to do the things I'm supposed to do. But I don't want to do these things. How do I deal with this? What is the etiquette for grieving, and how do I make myself feel any better? I feel like I've grieved a lot and cried and cried and cried till I puked, but I am in shock and don't want to do anything.

Songs about drug addiction

lunit — Tue, 13 May 2008 14:35:06 -0800

Looking for songs about overdosing on drugs and drug addiction. A friend of mine passed away from a drug overdose last week, and a few more friends of mine are struggling with nasty drug addictions. I'm looking for some good songs to help me deal (and I'm open to pretty much any genre).

Thanks.

Should I have looked at my dead son?

wv kay in ga — Tue, 06 May 2008 22:44:08 -0800

My son died of an overdose at the age of 25. I chose not to view his body. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I wanted my last remberances of him to be while he was alive. Now, I'm wondering if I did the right thing. Has anyone else had this experience? Regret for not looking at him one last time?

Help me in the war of deadly insects in hot, humid, Houston weather.

isoman2kx — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 15:02:52 -0800

Will I survive against the carpenter bees? I've been thinking about pursuing a hobby for a while. Today I bought a Rubik's cube (which I know I'll give up on in a few days, or wait until I actually can have time to google how to solve it) and a board game that I really can't play by myself, but has all kinds of cool "truth or myth" facts for me to read.

That being said, I've been looking around the internets (thanks Al Gore) and have encountered woodworking as a hobby/nice little "get away" from the daily battle that is depression/anxiety that I actually have some INTEREST in pursuing long-term. The problem is there are vicious man-eating carpenter (regular bumble) bees that live outside my dad's workshop in the wood and I'm utterly terrified of bees/wasps/etc.

Will I be able to survive if I'm working inside or will they form a coherent game plan and proceed to slaughter me?

If they are able to form a coherent game plan and disrupt my woodworking, do I simply spray them all and run until I kill them?

Regards,

- Travis

Death and domains

brandnew — Sun, 27 Apr 2008 17:39:06 -0800

How may one obtain access to a web site, or ownership of the domain, of someone who had recently died? The person who had created my friend's church's web site recently died, but he didn't leave behind a password for the domain account. What should my friend's church do to obtain ownership of the domain?

My friend has since temporarily created a new site to host the church's content. However, he would still like to obtain ownership of the old domain because of its legacy value. Many other sites still point to the old domain. Web searches for the church reference the old domain, and although the hosting has expired, Google still caches the old site and attempts to re-direct to the old domain.

Does my friend have any options, or must he wait until the domain expires in December?

What should I do for my friends whose cat just died?

Maia — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 09:04:12 -0800

My good friends' cat just died. What can I get them/do for them? They are a couple who has sort of "taken me in" since I am young and new to the city. I've spent many nights eating dinner at their house and playing with their cat. He had cancer and they had to unexpectedly/suddenly put him down. Is just a card appropriate? Is there anything else I can do for them or buy them to acknowledge the pain and perhaps also show that I share a small part of their grief?