Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with death

I Can't Get Over the Death of My Birdie. What do I do now?

Splunge — Wed, 12 Jun 2013 21:14:41 -0800

My parrot Scooby died a week ago. I am still in a horrible state of mourning. My wife is over it. She keeps telling me to get over it too. YANMT. What can I do to move on? I loved Scooby so very much. I have to force myself to eat every day. I've been drinking a lot. I can't stop thinking about her and what she was like and did. I dream about her death every night. I think it's affecting my physical health.

What to do with this body?

Thorzdad — Wed, 22 May 2013 12:41:51 -0800

Let's say you drop-in to visit an older loved one, and find them dead... Sorry to be such a downer, but this is a scenario I could easily find myself in, and I am clueless as to how to proceed.

What should you do upon discovering a loved one who has passed away. Let's assume no foul play. Natural causes.

Do you call the cops? Call an ambulance? Just call 911 and let them decide who to send?
Seems to me, taking the body to a hospital would be silly (as well as expensive) because, well, they're dead. But, the body has to go somewhere.

Do you immediately start cold-calling funeral homes and have them handle whatever has to happen?

Obviously, I have absolutely no experience in these matters, but I can see it happening in the near future, and I can't find the chapter covering this in my Human Bean Handbook.

Icky karma germs in the ocean?

remlapm — Fri, 10 May 2013 21:27:31 -0800

Yesterday the body of a surfer was found naked and nibbled by sharks at my daily surf spot. While surfing today in the exact vicinity I couldn't shake the feeling parts of his body, both physically and meta-physically were still 'there'. Have one science and one karma question about this: This is in San Diego, tourmaline/pacific beach. The details are tragic. He was found nude nibbled by sharks and his board (with his wetsuit tied around it) found earlier. All signs point to suicide....or something.

I surf this spot regularly, almost daily, but today I couldn't shake the feeling I was paddling around in contaminated water.

So:

1- I have a pretty good grasp of water, tides and how dropping a cup of water gets eventually dispersed in the pacific ocean. What, realistically, we're my chances of encountering some of his remains?

2 - my daily surfing spot feels somewhat tainted. I don't really believe in mojo, but I don't feel right surfing where a man died. How do you come to enjoy a space where something terrible happened?

Light My Fire

shew — Wed, 08 May 2013 21:08:34 -0800

I want to be cremated by bonfire. Public bonfire. I assume it's not permitted. Are there any exceptions? I live in the US and have always imagined my demise (still decades away, hopefully) to be more of a celebration. It seems so lonely and sad to be cremated in an oven. Would there be any legal way to accomplish this? Or maybe you have good reasons why this is a bad idea?

Explaining difficult topics to a toddler.

Jacob G — Sun, 05 May 2013 07:24:40 -0800

I have a 2 and half year old toddler (and another munchkin on the way.) He's getting to the point where he's starting to ask questions about my parents and my wife's parents and we're not quite sure how to tackle the topic. My wife's father is around and in our lives, so that's no problem. My wife's mother died about 20 years ago. My mother has also been dead for about 20 years and my father has been incarcerated for that time (and hopefully will remain so.)

I am an atheist and my wife is agnostic and we're just not sure what to say when our son says "Where's your momma?" We aren't opposed to him knowing the truth about our history at appropriate age/maturity, but obviously he's not there yet. We have lots of pictures around of his grandmothers, because it is important to my wife and I that he know about them and their existence. I intend to avoid any remotely detailed conversation about my father until he's much older.

We recently had to put our dog down due to illness and we told our son that "Daisy went to live with her puppy friends." We feel okay about that explanation, though he still asks about her nearly 3 months later, which is a little emotionally awkward, but not entirely unexpected I guess.

So, I guess I'm looking for advice or resources on how to talk about these more difficult topics with my toddler as gets more and more interested in them.

Now what?

Anonymous — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 09:02:13 -0800

The story: wife gets breast cancer. Double mastectomy, chemo, radiation. Two young kids. Nine years of remission. Then, recurrence. Three years of more chemo, then three months of hospice and she dies at home in my arms. That was two years ago. I took a month off of work where I mostly just stayed in bed. Then I pulled myself together and got back to business. I did a month or two of counseling from hospice, and that was very helpful. Everything is all back to normal.

Except not really. I thought I was all better, but it turns out I have a hard time caring about anything. I can keep things going, keep the day-to-day necessities of life ticking along, but really, who cares? Who cares if people get the next shiny thing I am working on at work? A few more years and we are all going to end up as a box of dust anyway.

I feel like many days I am just running out the clock. I expect that I’m going to have a stroke, or get cancer, or get hit by a bus eventually, so why bother? Not that it’s all bad. I have taken up some new hobbies. I put on a good face; I even have a girlfriend, and we have a good time together. But I keep coming back to this place of just feeling like it’s all just pointless and stupid and who am I kidding.

I tried going to a young widows/widowers group, but it is all women who seem to all have a very different process for this kind of thing. Also, I had a kind of difficult relationship with my wife, and so it is difficult to relate to all the people who are holding their dead spouse up on a pedestal. I’m kind of angry and resentful, and that doesn’t seem to help or be socially acceptable.

Now what?

How to help a grieving student?

Anonymous — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 12:09:57 -0800

I am a (new) professor at a small, rural university. One of my students has had to take an emergency leave due to a death in their family. Aside from assuring them that they need not think about their schoolwork at all, and that we'll work it out when they're ready, is there anything else I can do to support them? The department I am in is unusually tight knit. Students and faculty pride themselves on our community, but I have no idea what to do in this situation. I'd appreciate any suggestions, from getting a card, to having them over for a meal when they get back. The meal thing would not be unusual for our department, but might be just because I don't know this student that well and I wouldn't want them to feel pressured into something that made them uncomfortable. So, what would be the best way to handle this situation so that the student feels supported, but not overwhelmed?

I will be checking with senior faculty, too, but Metafilter seems to understand grieving in a powerful way, so any stories you can share or advice would be very much appreciated.

Supporting Oneself with Freelance News Photography: Possible??

Sheila Nagig — Thu, 25 Apr 2013 19:42:45 -0800

It's looking like I'll be jobless this summer. Would it be possible to keep myself alive by taking photos of newsworthy events and selling them to news organizations? I'd like to drive around the country this summer before starting a new job in the fall, and I'm wondering if I'd be able to support myself during the trip by selling photos. Planning around events might be difficult, I know, and so might finding someone willing to pay for coverage of them. I know that the new industry is in peril, and news orgs don't have a lot of money floating around.

But would it be possible? Is it a totally hare-brained idea? And, if it is indeed viable and not just a complete fantasy, how do I begin making contacts in the media who would even be interested?

is this a well-documented scam?

divabat — Sat, 20 Apr 2013 10:16:26 -0800

Two people hit it off online. within the span of 24 hours, one of them gets her assistant to contact the other to organise meet-up details, claims that cars are booked for travel and that their airfare is booked - and then suddenly has died from being hit by a car. Is this a well-documented scam? Someone I care about deeply had this happen to them very recently and they're still reeling from the death. Everything about this situation screams SCAM to me but I have no way of letting them know that - I tried, but they won't believe me. They've shown me the emails and so much about it seems so wrong but again, no way of getting my friend to believe me.

A few things:
* The person's name has a few web profiles (Google+, YouTube, Yahoo Answers) with some sporadic activity over the last year.
* The location listed on the G+ profile does not match the location told to me by my friend, but my friend could have just misremembered it
* My friend showed me a photo they got sent of this person supposedly when they were young. This photo is also on their G+ page with the same note. Looking up the photo reveals it is from a jailbait forum.
* The email address from the "assistant" seems really unprofessional and unlike any other assistant emails I've seen (I've had family with PAs)
* The cars got organised (the company's name escapes me) without any details of pick-up and drop-off organised
* There is no obituary for this person, though this only just happened overnight
* Someone else was apparently in text-message communication with this person and had reached out to my friend
* My friend and this person met on Facebook and their initial communications seemed friendly and personable. I can't seem to find this person on FB.

I feel like if this is a scam it can't be a wholly new one, but I'm not sure if this is a particular M.O of a particular person or not. My friend is hurting and all the evidence I have that's closer to the scam end of this is the jailbait-photos-forum but I can't tell them this now.

Family Drama -- Aunt revisited

Lescha — Tue, 26 Mar 2013 10:19:04 -0800

I wrote this question about my Aunt. As it turned out, I just wrote back a very polite reply -- "thank you for your good wishes" ...I was polite. I felt good about this. Thank you for all the helpful answers. My Aunt wrote me again -- long story inside. Thank you for taking the time to read it. My Aunt wrote me again -- she has sent me another email telling an elderly family member has died. She said she "was sure I would want to know" and included all the service details -- date, time, location etc. I have not seen that other relative in over a decade (nor any of my relatives on that side for that matter). I sent very nice flowers to the funeral home.

I don't want to go to the service, it would make me feel very uncomfortable. Just thinking about going puts makes me upset. And, I feel it would make the others feel very uncomfortable too, given the fact my father disowned me. He will be there. I can’t even imagine what his response to me would be. I fully admit that I am afraid to find out.

My relatives know we don't speak, but I don’t know if they have any idea why – I doubt it. I doubt my Aunt has told anyone.

I think if I go, there will be family drama and this would take away from the family's mourning. I don't want that. My presence -- I am sure -- will be a distraction to the mourners. Also, I know my family -- they will be questions about what's going on: yes, even at a funeral. They will also notice -- what I can only imagine would be – very bad vibes between my father and me.

I don’t want to get into why my Father wants nothing to do with me at a funeral. Secondly seeing my father will be very difficult for me, given he wants nothing to do with me.

My father did not tell me about this death himself. He knows how to reach me, as does his wife. If he wanted me to know he could have told me himself. The same way he could have told me he was very ill.

So getting back to my Aunt – she says she told me about this death because she “was sure I would want to know"… I think this is what I am peeved about. I would want to know this and not about my father’s illness? (She does not know I know about the illness.)

Really I am in a bit of a state and I am not totally sure why my feelings are. I plan to talk to my therapist about this when I have my next appointment. But I am hoping for some feedback now from people who can look at this without my baggage.

It boils down to this:

"tl;dr" (an attempt at)

My Aunt did not tell me Father had very serious surgery (a life or death matter) and yet she tells me news of another relative’s death because she “was sure I would want to know"…

In both cases, my father did not elect to tell me about these things himself. In both cases, it is quite clear to me that my father does not wish me involved.

I know my Aunt perhaps did not tell me because my father didn’t want me to know. Yet, she tells me the news of this death. I know she may be in a hard place. But the fact is she is choosing what to tell and not tell me. It feels manipulative. And also, I think it’ odd that she’d expect me to go to a funeral where my father will be. Drama is inevitable.

I (think I) want to tell my Aunt (not now – the timing is bad, but later) that I don’t feel I can go to any family events given the situation with father and I hope she understands it is he whose had made this choice, not me.

If he wants me back in the family, then he (and only he) should let me know directly. If he does not, I accept his decisions, but this means sadly that being disowned makes unable to attend family functions where I feel I would not be welcome by father.

I also want to mention the fact I know about his very serious illness and surgery and that he did not want me know about it. This makes me feel certain that he still wishes to have no contact obviously.

But saying that strikes me as fueling the fire and being very manipulative myself. So I am thinking not to go there...

Or – should I leave it alone and say nothing to my Aunt? She will see I am not at the funeral and she (and all the others) will see that I sent flowers.

They will probably think I am being disrespectful by not coming and they may wonder what is going on (since I doubt my Aunt has told the others what the situation is) but that is not my issue.

Sorry for the jumbled narrative. I am leaning towards (after all this typing) saying nothing to my Aunt seeing what happens. Should I say nothing?

Authorization for cremation?

KevinSkomsvold — Mon, 25 Mar 2013 21:22:35 -0800

Can signing an 'Authorization For Cremation' form somehow make me responsible for my deceased father's debt? My father died on March 19th. I was informed on Friday night by my step-sister who has been his caregiver for the last 10 years. Just so I do not sound like a cold-hearted bastard, here's a little background info. My father left us (me and my younger brother) when I was three. He never paid one cent of child support, never reached out to us in any way and basically flew under the radar for the last 47 years of my life. I did track him down back in 1982 and made a phone call. I might as well have been ordering a pizza with the amount of emotion he showed. I was put in touch with him again in 2008. I called him and basically got the same response. I had very low expectations and those were met. Needless to say, I could really give a shit less about him dying on a personal level. He died 47 years ago as far as I'm concerned. That said, I do feel for my step-sister who has done all she could to make his last years bearable by providing housing, food, transportation, nursing care and whatever else was needed. They paid for his cremation as well. When I spoke to her on the phone, she asked if I would be willing to sign off on the authorization form as I am the next of kin (OH REALLY NOW?). Being the swell guy I am, I told her to have the mortuary call me and fax the forms over so I could look at them. I have them on my desk now.

My fear? I sign the forms and suddenly, out of the wood-work, I get debt collectors all up in my shit for his debt. I understand this may sound irrational but I've read too many horror stories. Also, how would I, the son he stiffed for 47 years, suddenly be the point man for his cremation? He's had fuck-all to do with our lives and suddenly my signature is needed? I am torn as well because, as big of an asshole as he was, it doesn't feel right to me, to leave his ashes in limbo.

Am I making too big a deal out of this? I welcome any experiences or insight you may have. I'm certainly not seeking free legal advice. Thanks.

What was the most comforting condolence sentence you ever heard?

Lately Gone — Thu, 21 Mar 2013 17:11:52 -0800

Has someone important to you passed away? What was the most comforting/most respectful thing anyone said to you when that happened? I work with the elderly, who die at an accelerated rate. 98% of the time, I genuinely care about the deceased and would like to give comfort to the surviving family. Since this comes up a lot, I feel as if I'm repeating the same phrases over and over. I need more options. I'm specifically asking for things people said to you that were kind. I know that a lot of these might be case specific, but that will still help me. I'm not bad at condolences or uncomfortable with death: I don't need to hear what not to say. I'm just trying to get some IRL perspective on what has helped in the moment.

My thoughts about death have started making me afraid to live.

Ashen — Tue, 19 Mar 2013 19:40:56 -0800

For the last 6 or 7 days, I've been fixated on death, and not in a suicidal context. How do people normally handle constant thoughts about their mortality, and how can I stop this from crippling my ability to "live?" The fixation is not necessarily the process of decomposition, but the permanently losing consciousness bit. That my life is a finite experience is not new to me - I know, because I've tried to shorten that timeline more than once. I'm freaking the entire hell out now not because I suddenly have something to live for, but because I am terrified (like everyone else) of the moment where I cease to exist. Seeking peace in a faith has not helped me, nor has atheism, and I am decidedly agnostic. This does not help me with my "I will cease to exist and I'm horrified" thoughts. I cannot just settle the matter by deciding to just be "pleasantly surprised" with an afterlife, if there is one.

I experience the nastier aspects of my fixation - anxiety attacks, trouble sleeping - at night. I can busy myself during the day for long enough that the omnipresent thoughts about death do not make me stop what I'm doing. As soon as the sun begins to set, however, I'm back to thoughts like "enjoy the tactile, visual and other sensations of living while you still can," and running thought exercises about what my last moments might be like.

This goes on for hours, and has started to interfere with other aspects of my life. Last night, it was bad enough that despite falling asleep, I kept waking up every two hours. At work this morning (a new second job, still retail), I was too tired to absorb any of the online training that I'm required to complete; no amount of caffeine could keep me alert. As I started to nod off, I would begin to think about death once more before snapping out of it.

Questions for the Hive-mind:

1) I was diagnosed with depression several years ago, and have an inconsistent history of treating it with medication. I've been off Citalopram for over a year. Is this some new manifestation of said depression that I haven't experienced before? -OR-

2) Is reflecting on one's mortality on a daily basis a normal thing for people, particularly people around my age (23)?

3) If this isn't a manifestation of depression, what could it be?

4) If you've experienced something similar, how have you handled it? Or handled fear of your own mortality in general?

Thank you. I will offer follow-up re: my health history if needed.

Advance Health Care Directive - End-of-life decisions - How do I decide?

StrictlyVague — Thu, 07 Mar 2013 00:02:27 -0800

Recently I had a California Advance Health Care Directive drawn up (free when you buy a Will!) Whoa... this is a tough question! End of Life Decision: A) Choice not to prolong life B) Choice to prolong life Which one should I pick? How do I go about picking one? More details inside About me:
1. Not religious. Mostly athiest.
2. I live by myself, no dependents.
3. I'd be survived by my parents and siblings - none of whom are religious.

Being pragmatic, I'm leaning towards "A" - Choice not to prolong life. I'd like to avoid a Terri Schiavo situation.

But... but... part of choosing "A" says "I become unconscious and, to a reasonable degree of medical certainty, I will not regain conciousness."

How certain is certain?

How do I go about picking a choice?

How do I honour my friend?

Enchanting Grasshopper — Wed, 27 Feb 2013 13:13:50 -0800

My friend died last week. We had been living in different countries for the past few months; we were still in contact up until a few weeks ago. His death was sudden and unexpected. He was far too young to die. I can't go to any of the memorials (he was one of those people who knew like, thousands of people, so people seemingly everywhere on earth are doing stuff) and I won't be going to the funeral. I didn't know his family and even though we were roommates, we had very few friends in common. What can I do by myself as a way to say goodbye to him? I'm sending condolence cards to his family, but I want to actually do something because I feel so removed from everything. Is there any kind of ritual I can do that I can do to commemorate his life and celebrate the time we spent together? For example, when Heath Ledger died I watched the Brothers Grimm. But clearly, Heath Ledger meant much, much less to me than my friend. I will be doing this solo.

How did you let go and forgive after a loss and a breakup?

xm — Wed, 27 Feb 2013 11:24:59 -0800

Death of a parent and a breakup- how to disentangle the two, get a virtual lobotomy regarding the breakup, and for heavens sake just fucking move on regarding the breakup. Rationally you know all the reasons why the breakup happened, why it was inevitable, why it was going to happen anyway in the future, why you don't even want the person back. But emotionally, feelings kick in at the oddest times - mostly hurt and anger for the betrayal of not having the ex support you when you became the most (emotionally) dependent on them after losing a parent; mostly because you are struggling with everything every single damn day with grief and all the crap the universe has unloaded on you all at once (thank you!) and you know for a fact that they have moved on and are loitering on the same website for the next toy to have fun with; mostly because you rationally know that 'oh, its half the time we were together so I should be over it by now already' (which is how I do feel often, but not always) and yet there are plenty of bad days when you cant get past the hurt and anger and are just bloody paralyzed; mostly because you have read a ton of crap on forgiveness and letting go and still it hurts like hell (even if it is for hours or days) because the consequences of that breakup affect only you all negatively and the other other person can just get away with it without a scratch; mostly because you already had a very hard time trusting people for being reliable and then had the experience of a lifetime for becoming emotionally dependent on someone for a few fucking weeks and then get punished for it with the consequences.

The breakup per se is not what bothers me as much- if everything in my life was fine and dandy, I'd be way over a guy by now: I'd be sad, confused, disappointed, angry but, I'd get over it. The worst is when the feelings creep up on me when I am grieving for my parent and everything gets mixed up and messy. I cannot seem to use logic to compartmentalize the two. (Men seem to be good at compartmentalization- maybe I could use some of those strategies!) I guess my question is- how do I let go of this breakup already (feelings) and disengage the breakup feelings from my grief once and for all? All of this mess, apart from the grief, is affecting my work big time (I am writing this at work coz I so upset right now!) and I want to so desperately move on.

FYI- I am getting all the professional help I need, but I still need some real perspectives from people who have successfully made it through a breakup WHILE going through other crappy things in life- that mess up all the feelings even more. For the same reason, I would especially love to also hear from folks who lost a parent/were dealing with a sick parent and then went through a divorce/breakup.

Sincerely thank you for your time!

What to say to a dying relative with a fractured relationship?

raztaj — Mon, 25 Feb 2013 09:30:42 -0800

My uncle is dying - the doctor says days or weeks. I haven't said anything to him, or his wife, or his kids, since they got the cancer diagnosis a few months ago. Our families have had a historically fractured relationship, so it all feels very awkward to me. Please help me figure out what to appropriately say to them. My parents came from very mixed backgrounds (different religions, continents, cultures, both immigrants), and this was a significant source of tension for how my mom's family received my dad and my mom's choices. I was 5 years old when we moved from the area where my mom's family lived, and contact was extremely limited after that - and when there was contact, it was usually conflict. 5 years after that, my mom died after a battle of cancer - and contact was then severed.

Maybe 7 years ago, a cousin found my brother on the internet, and contact between him and his parents (the uncle that is dying), and they've begun to develop a bit of a relationship. I've met with them a few times - a dinner when they visited, dinner when I was temporarily living in the area where all my mom's relatives are. Despite past transgressions, that particular branch of my mom's family has made a concerted effort to try and re-build something, it all still feels very uncomfortable to me. My mom's other siblings have made virtually zero effort to reach out.

Even though my mom's brother is dying, he seems more like one of my parents old acquaintances, rather than family. They feel like strangers to me, and I have admittedly been very distant despite their efforts to be friendly and kind. I have not been negative - just unresponsive. Even though my siblings have been able to re-establish some sort of relationship, they are also older than me, and have clear memories of the times we spent together as kids before we moved away - I really don't have a memory of any of that. It all seems very weird to try and build something with people who are strangers.

I feel bad about my unresponsiveness, and don't know what to say now that my uncle has been given a timeline. I feel like I should say something before he inevitably passes soon. But I feel like it's also too late to say something - since I know my siblings have been in some contact since we got my uncle's cancer diagnosis. I would like some guidance on figuring out what to say.

I've lost both my parents, so I have a better grasping of what to say *after* a loved one passes, but in the waiting period before, giving our family complications, I just don't know what to say.

James Bond, women, fleeing death

aaanastasia — Sun, 24 Feb 2013 18:31:35 -0800

How many times has James Bond used a woman's body to prevent himself from getting killed (blocked a bullet from hitting him with a woman, etc)?

My wife died. Is it OK if I don't want to talk about it all the time?

tylerkaraszewski — Sun, 17 Feb 2013 07:52:04 -0800

My wife died. Everyone keeps telling me I should have someone to talk to - a counselor or someone from hospice or whoever. I don't really feel like I need or want that, though. Am I harming myself by handling this on my own? Two weeks ago, I lost my wife to cancer, leaving me as a 31-year-old single father to an 18-month-old daughter. Yes, this is sad, and yes, it's a huge adjustment, and yes, being a single parent is a lot of work. And everyone asks me, "how are you doing?" as if I want to answer that question again and again for 10 minutes each time, because no one believes me when I say, "all things considered, I feel like I'm doing OK," so I have to explain what I mean. And still, everyone recommends I get therapy or talk to hospice's grief counselors or something similar. But I don't want to, not because I'm too devastated to talk to them or too shy to reach out, but because I don't feel like I need to justify my feelings to people, nor do I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of a cliff ready to fall off without professional help. And it's not that I don't ever want to talk about it at all, but I don't want to be obligated to spend an hour once a week discussing it when I feel like I'd be better off taking the time to go for a bike ride or go to the beach or something I enjoy.

I feel like I can do this myself. Am I being foolish? Do I not realize what I'm missing? Am I going to come out of this situation in a worse position if I don't pay someone $100/hr to talk to me about it (although my insurance likely covers this)? Also, as a single parent, I have precious little personal time and I feel like there are other ways I'd rather spend it.

Recurring dream

thank you silence — Fri, 15 Feb 2013 03:07:19 -0800

I keep having the same dream over and over. Has anyone else had this? So it's 6am and I am laying in bed after what seems like my millionth dream about my mom, who passed away a little over a year ago. A few months after she died I would have basically the same dream every night for weeks--she was always alive in these dreams, and although I knew she was dead it was almost like she had been given some more time but I knew she'd have to "go back" soon. Sometimes she looked well, but most of the time she was frail like she was at the end. I figured these dreams were my subconscious way of dealing with her loss. I entered grief therapy shortly after and the dreams slowly faded.

Now over a year later they're back, and so frequent I can't even keep track. It feels like one a night for going on weeks now. The setting is usually my childhood home, and sometimes my mom talks to me in these dreams...tonight she said she was feeling better and was trying to regain her strength. A few weeks ago she told me she could see me from heaven.

I guess I don't know what my question really is...I don't mind the dreams but some part of me feels like there's something I need to address that I am missing completely. I also wonder if anyone else has had this experience. Thank you.

Dealing with family when someone is dying

Anonymous — Tue, 12 Feb 2013 07:05:30 -0800

It appears my Dad is in the process of dying - I'm mostly okay with that, but really struggling with the rest of my family. Could use some words of wisdom. (Forgive me the length in advance) So, around this time last year, my Dad was hospitalised with a possible heart attack. He has been in and out of hospital ever since, and was diagnosed with hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, he has a lot of fluid on his lungs, and he's getting worse and worse in terms of quality of life. He is in the process of dying, it's pretty clear. The medication is not particularly helpful, his breathing sounds like cellophane, and he's unable to sleep very much, and when he does apparently he stops breathing altogether for periods.

I live a 90 minute plane ride away.

I am - so far as one can be - okay with my Dad dying. He (and I!) are relatively young, 68 and 32 respectively. But I grew up in the country; I saw a lot of non-negative death as a youngster and whilst saddened I understand that when you gotta go, you gotta go. Dad and I are talking (not about him dying), and all's pretty good there.

The problem is my family. I am one of four kids, and I am really struggling in my interactions with my eldest sister, who lives in the same town as my Dad now. This is hitting her really hard, I think. We talk a lot by the phone in my family, and I'm used to talking to her once or twice a week. The problem is, every time we talk, sooner or later (usually sooner), she ends up saying, "I want to talk to you about Dad."

What follows is her crying, insisting that he is dying, and on death's door, and a sometimes-direct-sometimes-indirect implication that I should go home as soon as possible. There are a few problems with this, from my perspective.

1) I feel like a huge bastard for this. Her grief makes me feel uncomfortable. My Dad is not dead; he may be dead tomorrow, but he may be dead in a year's time, or more. Most likely it's somewhere in-between those points, but it's killing me (metaphorically). All she wants to talk about is him dying, like I don't understand or something. I fucking understand. Just because I am not there, I understand. Also, I feel like, weirdly, she is ruining him not being dead for me. He's still okay, can talk, and walk, and think, and read. I don't want to worry about how upset I'm gonna be when dies, before he dies.

2) I feel guilty, or that she is accusing me of not caring, or doing the right thing. I feel judged. I do not know if this is in my head. It's probably 50-50. My sister doesn't earn very much, as a result she thinks everyone else is rich. But our mortgage is 3 times the size of hers, as we live in the city and she lives in the country. I have an infant child. I received a promotion at a reasonably demanding corporate job literally two weeks ago. I need to perform, as a parent, partner, and worker. I am not putting my father and our relationship over these things, but nor can I ignore these things over the probably several months (it has been a year already, after all) he will be in the course of dying. I can't do it. (We are going there at easter).

My sister - I love her - but she is not very understanding/empathetic of other modes of thought/living. There has always been one right way, and all the other wrong ways for her. This bias to judgmentalism is unfortunately at its worst when she is stressed, and it's starting to colour her interactions with the rest of the family. I am somewhat of a peace-maker in the family. She will need me for this, but I don't know how I good I can be at it, I'm getting so stressed out talking to her myself, I don't know how well I can smooth things for everyone else. Also, I don't know why she keeps having this conversation from me, if she expects me to mirror her attitude, or change what I'm doing or how I'm feeling. She wants something from me and I can't give it to her.

I know everyone needs to grieve their own way, and prepare their own way. I guess I feel stymied in attempting to do that for myself at the moment. It makes me not want to talk to my sister - it makes me nervous at the prospect of her coming to visit us for a week soon. If she spends the whole time talking about Dad I am gonna lose my shit.

It's making me feel anxious and unpleasant about what happens when he does die. This is not what I want to feel about my father's death. The thought of having to go there, endure loads of people projecting their grief and needs on to me, and ideally I just want to go somewhere quiet and think about my dad and cherish our memories and all that's he's given me - I'm not being able to do that already, I feel. And I certainly won't be able to do that with all the theatre of a funeral (theatre is fine, and very helpful for some people, but not for me. I'm somewhat introverted, I need to spend lots of time with myself to sort out myself in general, and definitely now. When you have an infant, that kind of time is in short supply, and it's selfish to take too much).

I feel like I'm being more upset about the imposition of his dying on me, than his actual dying - which is like, selfish, and sick. I'm not just a parent, partner, worker; I'm a brother and son, and I don't want to let my family down.

I need, I don't know. Something. Some strategies, or context, or advice or something. All I want to do now is keep talking to my dad several times a week as I'm doing, not talk to my sister at all, and try to play with my kid and not flame out in my new role at work. Instead, I'm getting more and more tense.

What Should Be In A Fully-Wired Twenty-Something's Will?

Miss T.Horn — Mon, 11 Feb 2013 20:31:56 -0800

Recently, several friends and acquaintances in their 20s have passed away. Their online accounts -- particularly their Facebook accounts -- linger, as memento mori, covered with "miss u" wall posts and that sort of thing. Which has got me thinking about what will happen when people who are now in their 20s and early 30s die. Especially if they die young. So, a few questions. 1) Can/should a person in their twenties, who doesn't have much in terms of material possessions but does have intellectual property, make a will of some sort? How do you go about doing this so it's honored when/if you die -- and your family/friends actually find it? Preferably without having to have it prepared by a lawyer.

2) Is there a way to set up a 'self-destruct' or 'the end' for online accounts -- Facebook, email, etc -- so they don't take on a life of their own after your death, if you don't want them to? What's the best procedure for such a thing? In one case, the deceased person in question's friends continue to post to her facebook wall months and months after her death: videos, pictures, all sorts of things. I guess I wonder, too, what the historical and political implications of this are, in the context of death rituals through the ages. At first glance, I'm repulsed by this -- but, thinking about it more, maybe this is a natural advancement of death and mourning, record-keeping and so on. And then there's the question of these records effectively being owned by a for-profit business like Facebook. Your thoughts?

3) What if you die suddenly? What guarantee do you have that these plans will fall into place and folks will find/carry out your will? Who do you give your will to? A friend? Siblings would seem to be the most obvious answer, but what if you're an only child?

How do (or should I) find out how a classmate died?

Anonymous — Mon, 11 Feb 2013 14:37:10 -0800

Someone I went to high school with died a year or so ago. I never learned what the cause of death was, and I'm curious. I drive by an adopt a highway sign dedicated to their memory often, and it confuses and bums me out. There are a few clues: 1) On their social network profile after their death, some people posted things along the lines "how could they do this?" 2) On their obit, it said donations could be made to a depression-related charity. Those clues lead me to believe that it was a suicide. But no one has ever confirmed it to me. The deceased person was a friend of mine to some extent. I recently asked a few friends/classmates on facebook, people I don't contact regularly anymore, and they won't say anything or reply, despite having recent activity. The messages are kind, start with apologies, explain the adopt a highway signs and talk about how they bum me out and such. I don't want to ask a lot of people and risk alienating them. I do have a few more leads. How should I go about this, or should I just drop the matter? I just want closure. I don't want to know details about what happened. I am in my 20s, if that matters.

Fiction: Fatal encounters between therapist and patient

99percentfake — Tue, 05 Feb 2013 15:18:36 -0800

I am looking for any stories that include a fatal encounter between a therapist and his/her patient. It can be any form of fiction: books, movies, episodes from television series, short stories, etc.

It can be any form of death: suicide, homicide, accident, etc.

It can be either the therapist or patient (or both) who dies.

Example #1: Basic Instinct
Example #2: Sixth Sense
Example #3 (a stretch): Antichrist (they were married but "he" was a therapist)

Thanks in advance for any answers.

That's no moon

Diskeater — Tue, 29 Jan 2013 15:25:24 -0800

Help me create the perfect Death Star ice sphere. My lovely fiancee bought me this kick ass Death Star ice mold for Christmas and I love it. Problem is that the iceological terrors I've constructed are insignificant next to the power of the ones posted on ThinkGeek; mine are cloudy and they have a slight vertical line running through them.

I also have no idea how much water to use. I either use too much and some will spill out the top or too little and I'll only get the super laser portion (which is the most important part but still...). The instructions have long since been discarded.

For those of you with extensive Death Star construction experience: how much water do you use and what are your tricks to get the clearest Death Star this side of Alderaan?

Help me, Metafilter, you're my only hope.