Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with dating

I need GOLD, Jerry!

cmoj — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 11:43:49 -0800

When is it appropriate to ask someone out? I don't know how to date, because when I was younger I never had to. I'm not sure how it worked out any more, but things just seemed to happen until i was 20 or so, and then things got harder, possibly simply because of the decline in popularity of AIM in my age group. After a slump, it's become apparent that since clubs (both the dancing and the common interest variety) don't appeal to me and I tend to be very serious and focused in class-type situations I'm gonna have to learn to date.

So when and who is it appropriate to ask? Long time medium-level friends? Acquaintances? Employees at establishments you frequent? Upon meeting someone at a party? Randomly on the street?

What's the difference between asking on a date and asking for a number? I've never actually witnessed any of these things happening, but I know it must. A lifetime of Seinfeld is not adequate socialization for this!

Creative (or deceptive) dating attempt?

zenpop — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 12:40:26 -0800

I asked someone over to review their art portfolio, but I also have designs on asking them out on a date. Tacky or just being creative? I kept hearing about this person from different friends, and how they thought we should meet, etc but because of odd cross-connections (and unpleasant associations) between those friends (and this person) no one could figure out how to 'introduce' us without it being uncomfortable for said persons.

Taking matters into my own hands I did some Googling and discovered this person's website and their online portfolio. I was blown away by the quality of their work (yes, I'm avoiding his/her deliberately) and saw they'd be perfect for some projects I'm working on.

But I also want to get to know this person and (possibly) ask them on a date. Oy.

Should I come clean right away, or save this set of facts for some future date when we're looking back on the trajectory of the relationship (should one develop) and how it all 'came to be'?

ME JANE. ME LIKE YOU.

Anonymous — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 18:24:01 -0800

Help me be more direct in telling someone I like them, but not so direct as to be weird. This is a longstanding problem of mine. I'll meet someone, and after a little while I'll realize that I like them-- a lot. But I find it really difficult to let them know.

Every time this happens I end up sending tons of mixed messages: I do things like inviting the guy out, but not making it clear that it's a date, or saying "Hey,let's get a group together to go do X."

So, I know I need to stop mixing messages. But I just don't know what to say that will be clear but not strange, as it seems "I like you. Do you like me?" would be. What do I say?

Anon because I sometimes date mefites. I'm a woman in my 20s, and yes, I'm talking to my therapist about this.

I don't want to be the real life 40 year old virgin...in 15 years.

Anonymous — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 16:59:40 -0800

What am I doing wrong? I am 25 and HAVE NEVER GONE ON A DATE. I have always been attracted to women only, and I am funny, intelligent, and reasonably good looking. I make friends easily, but I don't know how to ask people out, and I've only been asked out by weird guys Hello! I am a 25 year old graduate student and I'm of Asian heritage. I make long-lasting friends easily (though in small quantitites) and many of my friends seems to think that I am only not dating by chocie. This is not to say that I am super attractive in the conventional sense-- I definitely have days where I look like shit, and I'd say maybe 1 day every 2 month I'm kind of pissy. But as objectively as I can I'd say I'm not doing any worse than your average 25 year old guy/girl. There are several friends around me who have also been single for a long time despite all these awesome qualities they have, but they all have at least dated before. I feel awkward all the time but my friends told me they didn't think I am.

My biggest problem is that I don't really know how to ask people out, and i tend to be attracted to unavailable women (either because of their orientation or current status). I have been pursued a couple of times in the past, all by weird guys, one of them was a pervert who harrassed me until I got a restraining order. There were mutual attractions with people, but they either have a girlfriend or have a boyfriend...uh, yeah. I know it's F-ed up.

I think maybe my problem is that I don't meet enough people at the graduate school I attend (or I haven't met anyone I like), and I have no way to break into local LGBT scenes having no local lesbian friends. Another problem might be that i tend to appear very androgenously both in attire and demeanor. I hate parties filled with heterosexual people, because it's infuriating to me to see women submitting to please men and to see men taking that for granted. So i don't go out much.

So i am at a lost as to what to do. I am not desperate for sex or intimate relationship, but I am afraid that when I finally meet someone my inexperience relative to my age will be a turn off. I am also sad about the 1 person that I met and knew we were mutually attracted to each other, I didn't know what to do about it so I just let go. I do like to remember that Tina Fey didn't lose her virginity until 25 either, but I am 25 and there's no prospect...

How should I move forward?

Anonymous — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 20:13:04 -0800

The New Year is approaching and I need some guidance on how to move forward with my life. I’m 27, male, straight, and British. I’ve only ever been in one relationship, kissed one person, and had one sexual partner. That relationship lasted from age 14 to 23 and included some long-distance time, and several years of living together and studying at the same university. Since then I’ve been completely single (no dates, no kisses etc), and I’ve also been socially isolated (no friends, unstable employment). I’ve also been depressed at varying levels of severity for who knows how long (the first serious episode being around 2004). I’m currently studying part-time, employed part-time, am trying anti-depressants, and am living with my parents.

Recently I’ve been feeling somewhat less depressed (though still moderately so), much more capable, and somewhat less socially anxious. I also have a few regular acquaintances through my studies (not friends by any means, but nice acquaintances). Also, I’ve gradually been becoming more interested in girls again. Specifically, I’ve been missing the intimacy (emotional and physical) of being in a relationship and have been feeling romantically wistful, lonely even. I rarely, if ever, receive any flirtatious signals from women and it’s clear that if I’m ever to meet someone I’ll have to take a more active approach than I ever have before. Things being as they are, I’d like to do this as gradually and tentatively as possible (in order to take care of myself as well as possible, and to work through my anxieties). My previous relationship taught me a lot of things, but I’ve changed so much in the last few years that in many ways I’m a very different person now. There’s little from that time in my life that can tell me how to move forward now.

In terms of my personal qualities, I’m essentially a good and kind person, quiet-natured, soft-hearted, and shy. Obviously, I have some problems, but I have a lot of good qualities as well. I’m a little arty, a little literary, a little pop-culturey, a little geeky, have a really good sense of humour, and people tell me I’m very intelligent. In person I think I come across as a fairly confident and capable, if rather quiet, man. I tend to keep people at a distance and I find it difficult to open up to others, perhaps for fear of rejection or negative judgement. I tend to crush easily on girls but have difficulty interacting with people whom I’m attracted towards.

Anyway, I’m sorry for writing so much and if my writing voice annoys you (as it does me), but if you have anything to say that might help me I’d be very grateful. It’s hard to boil this down to a specific question, so maybe we could start with these. Please try to read between them as much as possible.

- How should I begin working towards meeting women?
- How should I cope with my anxiety when interacting with women?
- How should I deal with my sexual and social inexperience?
- If you have been in a similar position to me, what has happened since?
- How do people make friends?
- How is it possible to open up to someone when talking, writing, or any form of personal expression feels like a distorted compression of the inner consciousness? (That sounds so pretentious – I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry! If you know what I mean, you know what I mean.)
- If you’ve been depressed or anxious for some time, tell me about the steps you took socially and romantically as you moved towards wellness.

Thank you so much.
(disposable: itoocannotthinkofausername@googlemail.com)

PS: I know - therapy, therapy, therapy! Maybe in the Spring.

I don't know how to be gay.

Anonymous — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 13:15:03 -0800

I'm a twenty year old gay woman. For 2010, I want to learn how to flirt with other women. The problems are...

- I fail at making friends with women, but I'm an expert at befriending and flirting with men. All of my friends are, and always have been, men.

- I feel like I'm "lesser" than other women. I feel like I'm this unclean, perverted person because I'm attracted to them - like I'm an impostor and if they knew I found them attractive they'd find me repulsive.

- I'm incredibly shy around women.

Yes, I'm single. I want to change that! I want to learn how to flirt with/attract/ask out other women. I've never been flirted with/asked out by a woman in my life. Help!

Chat in Relationships?

Anonymous — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 18:56:49 -0800

How do you deal with instant messaging early in a relationship? I've just started dating a woman that I've known for a about a year. We both use GChat and tend to be logged in fairly frequently.

Given that it's early in the relationship, it seems overbearing to be communicating every day. Email is just as instant (in our age of BlackBerries at least), but a chat program has a "presence" that makes it seem weird to be logged on all the time without saying anything.

So far I've dealt with this in part by not being logged in so much, but also this change in behavior (and she knows how much I was logged in before) seems odd. How have you dealt with this?

Other details that might matter: it's long distance, so we don't see each other that frequently, so far it's been visit once a month, talk on the phone a little more frequently than once a week, e-mail and chat more in between.

The ice is going to break!!! (in Christopher Walken voice)

cazoo — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 12:00:58 -0800

Ice Skating in NYC. Recommendations please? I am looking for an ice skating rink in NYC for a date. I'm trying to find one that is fun and not so crowded and you know...romantic and shit. So there are a few options I know of, Rockefeller Center, Central Park, and Bryant Park. I'm looking for an outdoor rink so Chelsea Piers is out of the question. How about the one at the Museum of Natural History? Is the one in Prospect Park any good? I'm not discounting Brooklyn. (I am a native, therefore surprise surprise, I have not been to any of these places.)

Also, this is important, which one has good hot chocolate nearby?

Question about casual dating and newfound attractiveness.

Anonymous — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 06:43:33 -0800

Question about casual dating and newfound attractiveness. I’m a 27-year-old guy. About a year ago I started taking steps to become more attractive. I lost weight, started dressing better, got a better haircut, changed my life so that I would be happier, and several other things. Either this or the resulting increase in confidence really worked. I have much less of a problem getting dates now. Women who are total strangers hit on me. I used to never think I was attractive enough for women to just want to sleep with me but now I’ve had several one-night stands.

What’s the problem? Well, it was sometimes harder to get initial interest from a woman before but once I did, it was someone who was really interested in me, liked my personality, wanted to date me, etc. And it was relatively easy to deal with rejection in the form of not getting a first date from someone who didn’t know me at all. Now I feel like girls are more likely to try me out but the likelihood of finding one who wants to be in a relationship with me is the same. It’s only after getting to know me really well or quite intimately that they realize they don’t want to have much to do with me anymore. This has happened repeatedly and I have found it pretty devastating. I don’t want to date anyone at all right now and potentially have to go through this again.

Are there others who have found that trying to be more attractive leads to more heartbreak? Am I alone in this kind of rude awakening? More importantly, what can I do about this? Is there a way that I can embrace the kind of casual dating and sex that many single people seem to enjoy without getting so wrapped up in the possibility of a longer-term relationship? If not, can I soften the blow to my ego somehow when things don’t work out? And get over my new fear of rejection?

Chinese and Western relationship norms?

Anonymous — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 10:37:50 -0800

What do you wish you knew about Mainland Chinese dating and relationships that would have made your relationship easier? What are some common sources of misunderstanding between Westerners and people from China? I've been seeing a conservative woman from Guangzhou for a couple of months, and we get along great. I'm Asian, too, but I moved here when I was young, my family aren't Chinese, and I could really do with some education regarding Chinese culture.

I've noticed that the unwritten rules of dating are quite different for us both; it's quite possible for both of us to accidentally do things that the other person could potentially misinterpret. Fortunately, there's a lot of goodwill between us.

The drama of the Ask Metafilter guy who was going to move out on his Chinese roommate illustrated how different cultural meanings of various things can be.

http://ask.metafilter.com/138804/Stuck-in-the-dreaded-friend-zone

I've asked a previous question about dating this woman:

http://ask.metafilter.com/134846/Dating-Across-a-Language-Barrier

We're both in our 20s.

Have you been in a relationship with someone from China? What do you wish you had known? What realisations for you or for your partner made things easier for you?

anon.learning.chinese@gmail.com

Should I date other people while involved in a long-distance relationship?

ajarbaday — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 15:54:56 -0800

I've been in a long-distance relationship for five years, we'll call him "M." It is a damn challenge. During those five years, M and I have gone back and forth between an open relationship, not a relationship, and a long-distance relationship. We've both dated other people, but never gotten serious about anyone else. I just started dating someone, "J." Do I need to tell J about M? And should I even be dating other people? (Asking a question for a friend filter)
M has recently finished school and has been talking about finding a job closer to me. I am excited but also scared because it's going to change the relationship a lot. It'll make it real. This is the first time that living together could be in the immediate future instead of the distant future. We met in college, dated for a year, and then went our separate ways only to reconnect every few months. We've been through a lot and I feel pretty serious about him. But the fact that we've allowed each other to date other people has led to a lot of jealousy and hurt feelings.

I haven't gotten real serious about J, but am hesitant to break it off with him because M's plans are still tentative. In fact, until M said he would be moving nearby, I was ready to say that now would be a good time to end things with M. M knows I am seeing someone right now but is fine with this as long as, if he were to move to my area, I would end that relationship.

This all just seems like a messy recipe for heartbreak for all parties. I am tired of dating other people only casually but still feel strongly for M.

So, what should I do? Should I continue dating other people? Tell J about M?

Help me get over the honeymoon phase.

Anonymous — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 19:24:28 -0800

I'm extremely infatuated with my boyfriend of 1 year, to the point where it's getting a little annoying. Advice? I began seeing my current boyfriend in August of 2008, and we became exclusive a couple of months later. I was quite smitten with him from the beginning, and I was expecting that "honeymoon phase" to last two or three months, like it has in all of my other relationships... and it still hasn't subsided. We even lived together over the summer, which I figured might dull my enthusiasm a bit. But it didn't at all. If anything, I have a bigger crush on him now than I did when we first started dating.

I'm normally very even-keeled, so this feeling has puzzled me from the very beginning, and now it's starting to feel a bit... cumbersome. I don't act crazy or clingy -- in fact, I'm really not very demonstrative about my affections at all -- but I feel like I think about him way more than I should. I'll catch myself daydreaming about jumping his bones during class, or in a free moment I'll randomly start feeling giddy about how lucky I am and how great my relationship is. Every time he kisses me (which is nearly every day), I get that butterflies-in-my-stomach, squeeee-I-can't-believe-this-is-really-happening feeling. It's EXHAUSTING.

I tend to think that, when people obsess over things, it's often because they're subconsciously trying to avoid thinking about something more difficult - i.e. some aspect of their lives that's lacking, or something that's worrying them (this seems to be a widely-held view here on AskMeFi). I don't really think that's the case here though. I'm pretty content with everything that's going on in my life right now. I'm about to graduate from college, my career path seems pretty solid and I'm excited about it. I have a close-knit group of friends, no shortage of hobbies, and I get along great with my family. So it's not that my "crush" is providing a distraction from something unpleasant. Nor is it interfering with my productivity. It's just emotionally taxing, and I feel like I should calm the hell down already.

(Factors that probably have some bearing: I'm 23, boyfriend is 28. I've been in two other long-term relationships, and had a handful of casual flings, but this is the first time either of us has been "in love".)

The right time / way, to discuss moveing in together (going from long-distance relationship to near-distance). Help.

audio — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 20:55:44 -0800

When is the right time to discuss moving in together when you've recently translated your relationship from skyping for 3 years to actual dating in person for 2 months? Basically, I chatted with a guy via skype for 3 years. We finally met two months ago and it has been dynamite between us, but he has never brought up living together. I can sense he doesn't want to get his own place yet ect (young adult) but I want to settle down and live with him so I don't have to return to my country of origin. This long-distance thing isn't my thing, in other words.

When is the appropriate time / way to bring up this kind of sensitive subject?

Don't bake my heart

Anonymous — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 14:44:31 -0800

Help me brainstorm a way to ask out a girl. But wait! There are complications. Anonymous because people I know, know I'm on here.

Most days for lunch I pop down to the local bakery (a 15 minute car journey), and in the last couple of weeks a new girl started working there. She is absolutely beautiful, and I of course have developed a crush on her. This is pretty unusual as I don't meet too many women, and the last crush I had was probably about 2 years ago. But she had just gotten married, and was therefore off-limits.

Anyway, now for the interesting bit. This girl doesn't work on the counter, she works in the kitchen, and I only really see her briefly when she comes out with customer's sandwiches. So i've never really spoken to her but to say thanks as she's handed over my own sandwiches a couple of times (this sounds so lame).

The women (all middle aged) who do work on the counter are all very nice, although I think a bit intimidated by me as I'm 6'5" and look a bit unusual.

So, the questions are:

1. Can you think of a way to ask this girl out that wouldn't involve me asking someone on the counter first, or performing a 'stake out'.
2. If the best course of action is asking someone at the counter about her, how can I broach the subject? Remember, I see these people most days, and they are involved in my lunch.
3. How would you feel if someone did this to you? Would you see it as charming, or a bit weird, or something else? Taking into account that I'm not exactly a looker.

Thanks in advance for your answers.

When do you get in touch with a friend you recently hooked up with for more?

Anonymous — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 19:59:27 -0800

What's the protocol on calling and/or texting for a booty call with a friend you've recently hooked up with? After a brief but intense period of sexual tension/flirting, a lady friend of mine and I decided to just go for it. We enjoyed ourselves, she stayed the night (including a 5am repeat performance), and the next morning was only slightly awkward. We both agreed it was a physical thing, but we wouldn't let our friends know. We discussed the possibility of future hookups, and she even texted me the next day to joke about setting up "illicit trysts."

So here's the thing: it's been almost a week, and neither of us have called or texted the other since the day after. Considering we only talk once a week anyway, and we never really flirted except in person, I'm inclined to think that's not unusual. But I'm also not sure if I'm making it look as if I'm not interested in another night of fun. I know there's various "rules" for waiting after a first date or a number at a bar, but do those apply to someone you've known for a over a year? Do I wait until we see each other again (around friends, so on the DL) this weekend to set something up, or should I make with the the sexting--in the parlance of our times--already?

Guilt and anxiety about declining dates and relationships

Chrysalis — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 16:07:09 -0800

Help me overcome my fear of rejection - the catch - it's a fear of rejecting other people Any time I have to turn someone down I become horribly anxious and terrified of hurting them and how they might react. This means that sometimes I avoid giving people a chance because I'm scared of having to break things off, and sometimes just going along with things cos I feel guilty to say no - which is even worse. I started dating for a bit but any time I had to break things off I'd feel so awful it just wasn't worth the fun parts. I've been trying to limit my involvement to people unlikely to form an attachment to me (because of this and the fact that I'm totally emotionally unavailable after a horrible relationship) but this weekend I drank too much and went home with a friend who I thought would leave it at that, but now I realise I missed lots of signs that he actually has feelings for me. I think I had some feelings for him but wasn't planning on doing anything about them. Now I feel like I accidentally used/misled him and I feel physically sick, my sleep is messed up etc. We are supposed to go out to dinner tomorrow but I don't think it's going to be like our normal catch-ups. I've been anxious all week and need to talk to him today. How can I gently explain that I wanted to do it at thetime but don't want to take it any further? He's been so good to me and I'm scared he's going to hate me and be upset and not want to be my friend. And in general, how can I stop being so terrified of disappointing people?

I like you but.... =0/

Anonymous — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 14:18:34 -0800

I have been dating a variety of people, for various lengths of time, for about two years now, however I dont seem to like anyone in the special way which would allow me to enter into a full-fledge relationship with them. Is this normal or is this just a case of being too picky? I am a 25 (almost 26) year old male who already has been in two long-term relationships. One lasted four years the other one, which ended about two years ago lasted three. The ending of this particular relationship was very hard on me but after going through some therapy (and reading lots of meta-filter questions) I got over it. After this period of self-reflection was completed, I started dating.

At first it was liberating because even though I was 24 years old this was my first chance to ever play the field as a grown up. Since then I have dated a variety of people and I have had what I can describe as "fun" times. However the itch to get back into a relationship again is coming back but now the problem is that it doesnt seem that anybody that I am dating or have dated so far fits the bill.

I think that my list can be considered short: all I want is somebody that I am physically attracted, happens to have a nice personality that is compatible with mine and is also free of baggage (i.e no babies). Also it would be nice if this person is educated and doing something with their life.

However all I get is the following:

1) Physically-attractive: 90% of the time they have no soul or personality (yet somehow are attracted to me), or the other 10% of the time they are pretty AND nice but somehow I mess it up by being overly enthusiastic (I am definitely working on this)

2) Nice people who I like to be with but for some reason or another I am not physically attracted to (even if they are physically attractive to most other males).

Because of who I am, I find myself 75% of the time dating people in the second category, I really want to meet someone and hope that even if I dont like them initially after getting to know them my feelings will change. This is not happening however and it is breaking my heart as I am currently dating someone who I really like but after three months of being with her I could tell that she likes me a whole lot more than I like her and I just wish I felt the same way. Because of this, I am going to have to stop seeing her as I dont want to mislead her.

Hive, please help me? Am I asking for too much? Am I too shallow? Is it normal and ok to keep on holding out for whatever my idea of the "right person" is?

First date - all great apart from one potential dealbreaker

infinitejones — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 13:29:50 -0800

I had a first date on the weekend with someone I was matched with on an online dating site. We’ve been emailing each other for a couple of weeks and getting on really well – lots in common, similar outlook and aims in life. In person she ticks pretty much all the boxes too, physically and personality wise... except for her teeth. They’re crooked, which isn’t a problem in itself, but they’re also really yellow and almost a bit scungey – almost as if she hadn’t actually even brushed them for a while. Very strange because she was really well dressed so it’s not as if she doesn’t care about personal appearance. I noticed it straight away and feel really shallow for making it an obstacle... but I want to get past it because in all other respects I’m confident it would work out. I’m not asking “how can I raise this with her” because I know I can’t, not at first/second date stage... but any hints on how I can get over this?

Help! Need advice for giving friend advice!!

Hydrofiend — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 16:24:00 -0800

How do I tell my friend the truth in a way that she can hear it, then take what she can from it and do what feels right to her? One of my closest and dearest friends believes me to be insightful and intuitive. I believe the same of her. She's been dating someone who she hoped I would meet and give her my "take" on because she feels I will not only be honest but be correct in my assessment. I met him this weekend. I LOVE her, she is my dog, my ace, my girl, the person I can tell all kinds of crazy shit to without judgement (I am very lucky to have her as a friend.) Love for the dude, not so much. Well, not that I don't like him...here's the story, backwards. My first impression is he's nice...to her. He is very attentive, stares at her with stars in his eyes and clearly wants to be a husband and daddy. It's obvious he wants to fill her every desire or need. To me, he's trying way too hard and that it might come from a place of desperation. Spending time with him, I feel he thinks she will save him in some way. From his demons or fear of being alone....I don't know. My issue is that I'm not sure whether his desire has anything to do with my friend as a person or if that's his goal and he's gonna get it however he can. I know she has the same concern but it's difficult to turn down someone who wants to wash your dishes and make love to you until the cows come home even though you are not sure whether you want that with them in the long run.
The thing is, my friend deserves to have someone look at her with stars in his eyes. She deserves someone who wants to make babies with her. She deserves all that she desires but.....homeboy seems a little off to me. He seems to have a fantasy in his head about whatever it is he thinks a relationship should be and, to me, that's not fair to my friend. She is fantastic sans fantasy and deserves someone who sees that. I get that we all have an idea of what it is we think we want when we think about loving someone for the rest of our lives but shouldn't that be based on the actual person whom we are thinking of spending the rest of our lives with? ("Starry Eyes" has expressed his love for her, his desire to live with and make a life with her....all good things if both people feel the same way. Not to mention they've known each other for about 6 months. The 1st few wrought with some drama, see below.)

OK, some of the messiness:

Their shit:
-My friend got out of a 2.5 year relationship shortly after meeting "Starry Eyes". (like literally a few weeks. She wasn't looking but apparently he was and he persued her consistently)

-She still has unresolved feelings for her ex and has made that clear to "Starry Eyes". She's been working through it but for the past months also beginning a relationship with "Starry Eyes".

-"Starry Eyes" was engaged in an open relationship when persuing my friend. (but apparently "open" meant just fucking, not falling in love)

-When he got caught with my friend by his fiance, he ended his engagement-the confrontation ended it, went into therapy and moved out. (He has subsequently made other decisions for My friend, complying to her wants and desires. Good on a whole but troublesome in that he didn't make these choices on his own , prior to meeting her)

-My friend has been honest with him about where she's at in terms of being in a relationship. He has told her he will wait.

My Shit:
-I'm fresh out of a stream of jacked up relationships, some involving infidelity on both ends. I'm pretty sensitive about the subject and can smell shenanigans a mile away now that I recognize the hows and whys to relationships involving such behavior.

-I'm a little jaded right now and not really feeling like I know jack shit about how to make a healthy relationship happen (in therapy thank you very much.)

-I've been in situations similar and have since realized that although shit like this happens, is bound to happen in your late 30's, it doesn't mean that you HAVE to build a relationship based on such shit. And, if you do choose to, all parties need to be clear and communicative.

My friend wants my input and advice. She asked me what I thought when "Starry Eyes"wasn't around and I told her not to ask just yet. She knows me and I know her-well. It's gonna be a long conversation. She's been grappling with her thoughts about this relationship for a while now. I love her and want to be honest with her but am trying to figure out the best way to say what I mean given my own issues right now. I know life can be grey and messy. Things are not always clear-cut and tied with a pretty bow. But I am still working through my own shit to discover what that all means to me.

I tend to romanticize in general but am in a real realist mood. How can I communicate to her what I sense about "Starry Eyes" yet express to her that it is clouded by my own sense of romantic relationships right now? Who knows, they may make it through and decide to move on in relationship. I just don't want my input to make her make a decision that might not be right for her but I also want her to pick up what I'm putting down. Oy! Help!!!

Be alone for the next six month, or...?

paulg — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 23:11:38 -0800

Do I bear-up being alone for the next six months to a year, or...? So, tonight I've just finished hosting a wine and cheese party for three couples. I am not part of a couple. I haven't had a significant long-term relationship since college (significant being longer lasting that two months). This is mostly due to the fact that I gained a lot of weight after college. I've lost about 40 lbs in the last year, but I need to lose another 40-50 lbs before I'm close to my ideal body weight.

I'm sick of being the single person in the group. What can I do? I'm now in my early 30's, and feel like I've reached the point where I'm ready for a long-term, mature relationship. However, realistically, I'm still fairly overweight.

The ideal situation would be if I could find a (female) partner who could see me through the next 6-12 months of weight loss (someone who might want to lose weight with me?). I'm not looking for an international supermodel. Is this realistic? Where could I find someone who can go through this with me, or do I just need to hang in until I reach a desirable BMI before I begin to look for a date?

I feel like there must be other lonely people struggling with the same issues. Where do I find them?

I'm a nice guy. I have a lot of interesting hobbies. I care about my friends, and I'm looking for a long-term commitment. Perhaps I'm just a little discouraged tonight. Hope me, Metafilter.

Getting My Gimpy Groove On

Anonymous — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 18:03:26 -0800

How can a gimp who's got a lot going for himself get a date and maybe even get a little somethin' somethin' after a loooong dry spell? More details with minimum self-pity inside. First, some background: I'm in my mid-thirties and I have a congenital disability that is pretty severe. Severe as in strangers probably look at me and think, "God, I'd rather be dead." I use a wheelchair and have very little movement in my extremities and I breathe with the assistance of a ventilator. I require 24-hour assistance to help me get through life. Despite all this, I've managed to build a pretty decent life for myself. I went to college and grad school and now make a good living at a job I love. I own my own place and have plenty of good friends. I've traveled and, in general, have lived a life that has turned out better than I thought it would.

As you might guess, I'm pretty inexperienced with dating and relationships. My high school and young adult years saw me make clumsy attempts to ask women out, but I was so full of insecurities and self-doubt that I met with no success. I grew more comfortable with myself as I got older and finally met someone online in my late twenties. We dated for a couple months but it didn't work out. Since then, I've had a couple dates but nothing beyond that.

I think I'm doing all the things that a guy my age is supposed to do to try to meet women. OKCupid ad? Check. Book club? Check. Volunteering? Check. I don't do bars or clubs simply because they're crowded, noisy places that make communication difficult. But for whatever reason, I don't meet many single women and fewer still who seem like possible dates. I keep asking myself if I should be doing something more, but I have no idea what that might be.

I don't have any illusions about my own attractiveness and I realize that a relationship with me comes with a lot of challenges. Still, I think I'm pretty cool guy with smarts and more than a little charm. It just takes time for other people to see that.

My question for my fellow MeFites: should I just keep doing what I'm doing and hope for the best or try something that hasn't occurred to me? I have to admit that I'm getting a little frustrated with the loneliness and celibacy, but I also don't want to turn into some bitter old bachelor. If my future is going to be one of bachelorhood, how do I make myself okay with that? I've even flirted with the idea of hiring a, er, professional to get a little temporary relief, but that seems like it could result in all sorts of not-so-good outcomes.

Thanks for any advice you can offer.

3 guys, one chick.

Anonymous — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 14:44:26 -0800

How does one ethically play the field? I need advice on dating and being intimate with more than one person. I'm a early-thirties female in a large coastal city. I was a late-late-bloomer, and for various reasons really didn't have a boyfriend or sex until after college. Since then I have had a couple of 2+ year relationships, both of which started and remained exclusive, with a couple of flings in between.

Since the end of my relationship this last summer, my attitude about diving into relationships has changed...and I'm interested in taking things much slower in terms of exclusiveness. Lately I've been feeling pretty awesome, and have been missing some of the funner aspects of dating...so I put myself out there.

I've met three very nice fellows online in the short amount of time that I've had a profile up on a popular dating site. I corresponded with each of them for awhile, and eventually each of them asked me to dinner/coffee within the same week or so. So, I made plans to meet them all. Because of schedules and whatnot, I met one of them earlier than the others, but now I've met all of them and want to continue to hang out/see all three, and it seems for each of them, the feeling is mutual.

To complicate matters, I ended up hooking up with one of them a couple of times. (The first dude) It was great fun, but I'm not feeling serious about this person yet, if I ever will. I still, however, wouldn't mind continuing that aspect of our friendship.

I also want to see what develops with the other two guys, as I had a great time with both.

Seriously, I have never had to deal with this kind of situation before, and feel completely out of my element. On one hand, I want to be honest and respectful to all three. On the other, I don't want to come off as some kind of crazy maneater. I want to enjoy myself and my crazy good luck of having so many options, but I have this nagging feeling that I'm trying to have my cake and eat it too.

I plan on coming clear the next time I see dude number 1 that I'm seeing other people, but do I need to go beyond that? I don't really plan on sleeping with all of them in the same time frame or anything, but I'm worried about that aspect. I know there's a good chance that one or two of them will quickly fall to the wayside by my doing or theirs.. I just don't want to rush into any kind of relationship, as this is a mistake I've made in the past. How do I go about this in a way that is not deceptive or hurtful, but still allows me to get to know each of them?

Virginal quandry

Anonymous — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 09:41:02 -0800

A question and moral quandary from yet another sad virgin.... I’m a twenty-seven year old virgin (a woman), and with every passing year, I feel like the big, dark virginity cloud looming over my head is getting bigger and bigger. I’m not a virgin for a reason or an ideal, it’s just that I only started dating fairly recently. I’m very quiet, and don’t seek much for myself. I have a lot of friends, but I don’t often meet new people to date. In truth, I’m raring to have sex and have been for years; the only thing I’m “waiting” for is to meet someone I care about and trust. The last time I got naked with someone I was ready, but it turned out he was also a virgin but was waiting “for love.” Goddammit.

For the past few weeks I’ve been dating a lovely, sweet boy. I like him, but when my friends ask, the most I can muster to say is “he’s nice.” He quite likes me, I’m pretty sure. After a heavy make-out session a few weeks ago, sex was definitely up for the next time we had the opportunity. After the make-out date I’ve been very stressed with various issues, so I haven’t exactly been in an amorous mindset. When I saw him last, I suddenly thought “This won’t work out, I’m just not that into him anymore.” It was such a sudden 180. I think my gut is right, but I’m worried it’s the stress or fear of commitment talking. But what if it’s not? I can’t date him for dating’s sake, it’s not fair for him. And yet, the horny, desperate part of my brain just wants to have sex with him so I can stop obsessing about the scarlet V on my forehead.

Metafilter, how can I see past my stress and horniness and do what’s best for this boy, and for me? If I break up with him, how can I prevent myself from desperately dating and screwing anybody who’ll take me? Throwaway mail at accidentaldiana@gmail.com

"No sweetie, not all black people drink grape kool-aide."

Eleutherios — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 19:14:13 -0800

Help! My new girlfriend is skeeved out by minorities. Should I break up with her? I've been dating this girl for three weeks. She's great, she's smart, athletic, cute, and confident. Hell, she was even open to us having a threesome with another girl.

But, there's something that has been bothering me. She's not very confortable being around minorities, as a group. She has already dropped the N-bomb twice. She refers to Hispanics as "Mexicans". She locks her car doors whenever she sees a man of color, even if he's wearing a business suit and she's driving in the financial district! When we go to parties, she's super outgoing even if she doesn't know the people, but when I took her to a black party once, she suddenly got shy and stayed by my side the whole night.

She's not the first one. Back when I dated men, one guy broke up with me, and several avoided dating me in the first place (though they admitting to liking me otherwise), because I had a very diverse group of friends. They thought it was weird, and didn't want to be associated. Don't let me get started on how many times I get turned down, because I'm not blonde. It seems that I am always finding myself attracted to those who turn out to have racial or color issues.

Sorry for going off on a tangent, but I don't know if I can go on dating a girl who has racial prejudices. I have close friends of all sorts of different backgrounds, I even have a somewhat racially mixed family, on my dad's side. Right now, I just can't see her fitting into my life, but I'm really into her. How should I handle this? If I do break up with her, how should I avoid meeting women like this in the future? This is confusing because, I tend to run with very liberal crowds, but somehow I am still finding intolerant people.

What can today's fat man do for tomorrow's fit man?

Anonymous — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 15:59:37 -0800

Is it possible to ask someone out several months in advance? I've met someone great, but I've met them too soon! Timing is everything, and I've managed to meet someone fantastic several months prematurely. She's kind and curious and beautiful and there's some attraction and chemistry between us that I'm botching because I like her so much that I'm a complete nervous wreck. And the thing that's making me nervous, the thing that prevents me from just making a move and asking her out properly has an expiration date.

My anxiety-from-attraction problem is actually a weight problem, in that I'm just fat enough to not really be a genuinely viable dating option, and I'm so revolted by the current state of my body that, even if a woman is honestly telling me that I turn her on, I'm incapable of believing her. The solution, obviously, is to lose the weight and I've been working on it long enough to have my fatness on the run, to have it contained to a few final key areas. In about a year - perhaps as soon as midsummer, even - I should be down to my goal weight.

If I had a time machine, I'd fix so it so that I hadn't met this girl until then. Because while I love spending time with her, while there's always this gentle flirty undercurrent to our interactions, while there's reason upon reason to believe that she and I would be a good match, I'm just not ready to make a move. When we hang out, the embraces and little touches and lingering looks she gives me, which should be a thrill, make me tense instead because those are all excellent ways for her to gather more evidence of my flabbiness. I feel so strongly about this girl that I don't want to expose her to my anxiety-tainted affections and I don't want to make her contemplate embracing the flabby mess that I am today. I've got to lose the last of my fatness to be the kind of guy she deserves.

But midsummer or next year is a long way off, and having this secret is really messing me up around her. Just yesterday she was lobbing all these softballs and asking one leading question after another and I botched the whole interaction. The conflict between my attraction to her and the strength of this mental block I've got going leave me a nervous, stammering mess in her presence. I feel like I gotta get this off my chest or make some kind of move or something soon, but not with this body. But the time it'll take to escape this body is plenty of time for my awkwardness to torpedo this relationship or for her to meet someone else and get serious with him.

How should I navigate this situation? Is there any way to tell someone that you're dying to ask them out but can't do it until you've got your weight problem handled? Would it just be the weirdest thing in the world to tell someone that you like them so much you can hardly stand it, but you're not going to act on it for months? Is there any way to make her not think of dating me, but me minus this last fifty pounds? Would it be creepy or flattering to find out that taking you out was the goal driving a friend's last push to get into shape? I'm so glad we met, but now is the worst time! What should I do?

(in case it's needed for any reason, ensignaleksandr@gmail.com is my throwaway gmail for this question)