Ask MetaFilter posts tagged with dating

Get me a second date!

chrisfromthelc — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 15:45:38 -0800

First date activities in Houston...a couple of caveats, though... I've got a first-date-meetup-type thing with a person I met on $InternetDatingSite, and while I've been in Houston for two years (and she lives in Conroe/works in Houston), I am racking my brain trying to find something unique enough that she probably hasn't done it, but nothing to involved or complicated.

I want to stay away from the "go out to eat+movies" type things, though, interesting food places near activities are welcomed suggestions.

Another caveat: it's gotta be available after 6PM on Monday (tomorrow).

Thanks in advance, Mefites.

Dating in the city?

Anonymous — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 13:46:15 -0800

Help, New York! I used to love dating, until I moved to New York. Now I hate it. Can some seasoned city bachelors and bachelorettes please give me some perspective? I moved to New York City from Portland at the beginning of the year for a job. Before that, I went to school in San Francisco, and then moved from there to Chicago for three years. Having participated in the dating scene of all three cities, I've had a few great relationships, one or two ill-advised flings, and some not-fun but manageable amount of heartache normal for my age. When I moved to New York, I focused most of my energies into adjusting to the new lifestyle and didn't worry much about dating until I got on my feet. I am now pretty settled in my routine as a work-at-home graphic designer and have decided it's time to meet people.

But things are... different here. Maybe it's my insecurity, but I feel as if this place is so overpopulated with beautiful, talented women and men who are confused about how to treat them, and what do when they're all clamoring for male attention. Whereas before I fared pretty well with men, the guys I'd normally approach won't give me the time of day here. I'm now aware that the bars I frequent in my neighborhood of Williamsburg are unabashed meat markets. I'm attractive woman, and I value intellect in myself and in others. I'm friendly, and have never had trouble making friends. I don't calibrate my self-worth on male attention. But as dating does require some form of male attention, I'm agog over how these men have armies of eligible women to choose from. It's scary.

I'm not desperate, or marriage-hungry: I just want to have some mid-twenties fun, and maybe meet someone great, or maybe just get dinner. I've already realized Williamsburg bars probably aren't a great place to start, but what else should I know? Is this just a phase? Am I imagining this whole jungle? How do you people meet each other here?

I'm a 26 straight woman, and a freelance designer/illustrator, if that helps.

Help me keep my hands off him!

shiny blue object — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 10:47:46 -0800

We had our first date last week and the chemistry was incredible (as was the kissing). However, I want to find out if there's more than just the physical here. Our second date is Thursday evening - how do I keep myself under control? Physically, I'm ready to pull him into an alley and rip his clothes off. Mentally, I want to hold back - I get the impression he wants to take things slowly, but I'm not good at that! I'm a 39-year-old woman, just getting back into dating after a long post-divorce hibernation, who is thoroughly smitten with this guy. Short of not seeing him at all, how do I keep my hands off him? I need strategies! Tricks! Distractions! HELP!!!

Out with the old, in with the new

Anonymous — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 06:42:17 -0800

Shortly after we moved to a new town, my partner fell into a deep depression. She shot me down every time I suggested that we go out and do something fun, or made amorous advances. That precipitated my own, milder depression. We're both better now, and love each other very much, but we're still in a rut, and I'm gun-shy. How can we get over this hump? We go out together very occasionally, but only to a few tried-and-true places. We have sex more often, and we're usually receptive to the others' advances, but it's always the very mechanical, fast-track-to-orgasm sort. That sort of sex is awesome, and one of the benefits of long-term relationships, but there's more to life than a quick, reliable orgasm.

Even when we were first dating, my partner was a conservative creature of habit, but for a while, she was able to overcome her knee-jerk reaction of "No" to any new idea. I got her to get her to try new foods, listen to new music and explore parts of her sexuality that she was embarrassed about.

She tells me that now that she's feeling better, she's willing to do stuff together, and be more adventurous sexually, but my confidence is shot. I've been told "no" or "ick" or "weird" or "dumb" so many times that I just don't want to suggest new things unless I'm 100% sure that she'll love them. I don't feel comfortable asking her to do things that might or might not be awesome.

I used to be so creative and spontaneous and polymorphously perverse, and my joie de vivre was one of the things that made her fall in love with me. Now I feel crushed and broken, and she doesn't acknowledge her part in that. I want to be that person again, and she wants me to be that person again, too.

But I can't just magically forget the past few years. Please no DTMFAs. We love each other, and have loved each other for a long, long time. We just need to clear the cobwebs.

NotOKCupid

spamguy — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 23:06:50 -0800

Does dating through craigslist actually work? I hate to say it, but OKCupid has failed me, a 24 year-old SWM of Texas. I had three very brief relationships, all called off on the girl's part, one absolutely heartbreaking for me. (Match made in heaven, except, wait, I was her rebound. She's since run back to her old trashy BF.) Since the last breakup, message response rates and girl quality on OKC have tanked.

I would like to give craigslist a try, but I have a morbid fear that every single girl I see is a spambot. (Epic ad line: 'I am a TRAIT1, self-driven, TRAIT2 girl.' No joke.) Is there any way to pick out who's real and who's fake?

Girls: how many legit, non-trashy messages from a craigslist personal did you receive?
Guys: is there any hope posting on MseekingW? The most disheartening part of OKC was the knowledge that all the guys were basically e-fistfighting to get a word in edgewise to a girl. It reminds me of the Hare Krishna scene from Airplane!.

Summary question: is there a snow cone's chance in hell using craigslist as a dating service? What's the best strategy: posting to MseekingW or hoping I don't meet a spambot on WseekingM?

Do I flirt like it's 1955? (long explanation inside).

themaskedwonder — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 07:42:46 -0800

MeFites, I have a bit of a problem. I'm a twenty-year-old heterosexual college female with, it seems, a nerd problem. I have never dated or kissed anyone in my life, and I'm starting to wonder if it's my personality that's the issue. My lack of sexual experience used to completely effect my self-esteem. In high school, I absolutely hated myself - the way I looked, the way I talked - and to be honest, I'm still in the process of acquiring some self-esteem via exercising, working on projects, etc. I thought I was making pretty good progress until BAM! this summer, when I met the most perfect boy in the universe.

He was funny, he was smart, he was politically aware, he was sarcastic - and he was nerdy! Nerdy, although not a trace of social awkwardness existed in his body, so everyone loved him. He was absolutely adorable, and I was crushing hard. But I gathered up courage and made the effort. We had similar tastes and interests in music, movies, and television, and we often traded mp3s and recommendations (I, in my naivete, believed this to be "flirting.") I dressed better. I wore makeup. Everything was sarcastic and ironic and amazing; I felt like I was finally in. (Believe me, this was the most sustained interaction with a crush I'd had in years).

Towards the end of the summer I was beginning to realize that his feelings weren't reciprocated, and bummed though I was, it's not like it was unusual for me, so I decided to let it go.

Enter a girl I'll call Susan. Susan is a friend I recently met, and she's my complete opposite. She's beautiful, popular, and she lives to party, drink, and have sex. Let's just say when it comes to books and feminism and movies and music, she's not all too interested; she prefers social interaction. She had seven ex-boyfriends to my zero - and we were the same age. I was jealous of her the entire summer.

Susan had an interesting formula: she was quiet and giggly and conservative by day, and a hardcore drinker and partier by night. It seemed to me that she had the madonna/whore thing down to a "T." (On the other hand, I was always loud and sarcastic with my opinions, especially around this guy - I thought he'd appreciate my intelligence, I guess?)It was genius. I found out just a couple of weeks ago that the two of them drunkenly made out, had sex, and are now dating. (This all happened in the span of about a week).

I was absolutely devastated, if only because he picked a girl that was completely opposite from me (and, I thought) him. I followed him around the entire summer like an idiot, and she spent the whole summer hooking up with some other guy and then going in for the kill with the guy I liked (she knew this, by the way) in only the last few weeks.

My question is: I'm obsessed with books, feminism, and pop culture - but is it scaring the mens away? Should I ditch the nerdy for the sexy, or find a way to mix them up somehow? I thought flirting was conversations about indie bands, for crying out loud, but now I feel like that's what 12 year olds do. I try to flirt with my brain too much, I guess. In 2008, how do young people flirt? And how can I learn (preferably without awkward hookup sex - although alcohol I can stomach)?

How do I take a roadtrip with a guy who is probably going to break up with me?

Anonymous — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 16:23:38 -0800

I'm leaving shortly on a roadtrip with someone I've been seeing but I think the relationship is cooling off and now I'm feeling ill about the trip...help! I've been dating Joe for a bit longer than a month. When we first got together, we planned a roadtrip together and bought the various necessities (hotel, rental car).

This Friday we leave together to go on the trip, and we won't be back till Wednesday of the following week.

Our relationship was great until last weekend. It's very hard to pinpoint why, but I started to get the feeling that Joe was cooling off in general towards me. Our communication when we're apart has dwindled since then, though I'm certain he's still planning on taking this trip with me.

I'm starting to dread this trip. I have to go, but I know if we go and I continue to get the feeling that things are cooling down it could make for a really unpleasant vacation. We will be together almost 24/7 during the trip, driving in the car.

I'm looking for any ideas or pointers on how to deal with this situation, besides pulling the plug and not going, which is out of the question for now.

Have you ever been in a similar fix, stuck spending time with someone your spidey sense was telling you was thinking of breaking it off?

I like Joe a lot, but if he dumps me I'll be fine eventually I'm sure, but spending five days in a car with him if he's feeling like I think he is is not something I know how to handle. Please help!

Good workout today?

King Bee — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 11:20:38 -0800

Is this girl at the gym trying to get me to notice her? Long explanation, but if you can give me your take on the situation, that would be cool.

Here's the story: I've been going to the gym every morning at 6am for the past 3 months or so, but my schedule has changed to afford me an extra hour of sleep. Hence, I now show up at the gym at around 7. I've been showing up at 7 since Monday now.

The group of people who are there an hour later are different than the 6 crowd. In particular, there's one particularly attractive female who is usually using some cardio machine (elliptical, stairmaster, etc.).

My routine consists of lifting weights followed by 20-30 minutes on an elliptical machine. There's one elliptical machine that I like using the best, and since I'm there early enough, it's almost always free. There are two treadmills right next to it, usually about 5 feet away.

This morning when I showed up at the gym, I noticed that the treadmills had been moved closer to "my" elliptical machine. The closest one is now about 8 inches away, so if I were on my machine and someone were on the closest treadmill, we'd be pretty damn close to each other.

When I got to the part of my routine where I get on my elliptical, this girl was on a different elliptical machine about 25 feet away. After about two minutes, she gets off and comes over to use a treadmill, picking the one that is right next to me. I tried to kind of ignore her while she was there so as to not make her uncomfortable, but I did glance over at her a couple of times. She leaves after about 10 minutes, and kind of mills about the gym for 2 minutes where I can see her. She then grabs her stuff and takes off.

I have noticed her looking over at me from time to time when I'm lifting weights when she's on the elliptical, but that could just be a matter of "wandering glance syndrome" when you're running like a rat on those things.

So, is she trying to get me to notice her? If she is, I've got this question for help on trying to talk to her.

Flirting Machine

PFL — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 13:53:58 -0800

Should I worry about flirting too much? I'm a relentless flirt. I really like meeting new girls, flirting with them, etc. but have no interest in having any kind of serious relationship at this point in my life (I'm 26 and male.. most of these girls are in a similar age bracket, FWIW).

I'll go on a date every now and again, but I'm always clear with them that I'm not looking for anything serious. I had a conversation with my roommate the other day, and he said that he thought I flirt too much because I have no intention of having any serious relationship with any of these girls and that I shouldn't lead them on.

I tend to think it doesn't really matter; any time I wind up going on a date or hanging out with a girl one-on-one I make a point to let them know I don't want anything serious. Besides, it seems lame to assume that every girl who flirts back or shows any interest would be crushed that I don't want her to be my girlfriend.

I should also note that one reason I don't want a relationship right now is so I can learn to be more social and get better at meeting people I don't know. I had a lot of social anxieties in the past and I'm really working hard to overcome them, but I'll also admit that part of the reason I flirt so much is because I like the attention. I don't really feel like I'm doing anything wrong or being unfair to people but I'd like everybody else's opinion.

So what do you think? Hold back or flirt like a madman?

dating is so freaking complicated

genmonster — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 20:04:28 -0800

Was I just cynically used for sex? I'm a 24yo girl. I was going on dates with Boy for a month, then I left the country for six weeks. We didn't discuss getting/staying together beforehand, and he was crappy about staying in touch while I was gone, so I kinda assumed that we wouldn't see each other again. A few days after I get back, Boy texts me, we talk and hook up and he promises that we'll meet again in a few days. On the appointed day I text Boy and he says he's sick. A few days later (Saturday, to be exact) I text Boy again, then call him, and he hasn't gotten back to me. Did he really just stop by for a quickie, or is there some other interpretation? Am I being a pathetic neurotic girl if I keep trying to contact him at this point?

Roommate dating

Anonymous — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 09:54:22 -0800

I'm dating a roommate, but we need an excuse to go into her bedroom after a date. What can I do? She seems to really like me, and we've been going out for a couple of weeks. She's also one of my roommates, but only for a little while longer as she has to go back to the US. There are five students living in this apartment.

She has a room with a door, the rest of us have low walls in a loft setup (this means my room is a no-go).

I'm not sure how to carry the relationship from kissing outside her bedroom door to go inside it. I don't know if coming out with "can I sleep with you tonight?" is a smart thing to say or not. What should a guy do in this situation? Should I just take her by the hand and go in with her?

I feel that she is interested, but is too shy to make a move- especially as there are no convenient excuses like "you have a long way to walk home"... my bedroom is just a few feet away.

How close is too close before you meet someone IRL?

Anonymous — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 20:35:11 -0800

Online dating issues. How close is too close *before* you meet someone in real life? So there's this guy, right. We met online, and we're definitely hitting it off on IM and on the phone. We intend to meet in person once he moves significantly closer to me, which he has been planning to do all along (before he met me). As soon as he locks down a job and a place to live he'll be moving, and to the best of our knowledge this will be by the end of the month, two tops. Until then, we're stuck with great IM and phone chemistry, and pictures of each other we drool over, and little else.

My fear is not that he's going to end up never moving - he just finished college and has been planning on doing so since he graduated. I certainly feel close enough to him already to trust him on this matter. Moreover, I worry about pouring so much of my time and energy into someone I still haven't met, even though we've been consistently hitting it off and I have yet to see or hear a single red flag. We talk online or on the phone usually for at least an hour or two every day and have been doing so for about a month now. We're both quite confident that even if we don't have physical chemistry, we'll still be friends. Yet I still worry, and more than he does.

Are my fears of possible rejection or time-wasting justified, or do I need to just unclench and enjoy the amazing connection we're already having?

Is our closeness unhealthy?

Any insight would be appreciated. If you have any questions, feel free to ask and I'll respond via MeFi mail if you'd like. I'm posting anonymously in the hopes he won't see this. Gulp.

The Mystery of the Unringing Phone

December — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 16:24:24 -0800

Does my being the initiator of most of our contact mean he's not really interested in me? In yet another installment of my Really Bad at Dating series, this is the latest:

Guy and I (I'm female, fwiw) flirted with each other which resulted in his asking me out. We had met several months before, so knew each other somewhat prior to our date. I called him the day after the first date to thank him and we went out on several other dates, during which we'd talk for hours and hours. He's adorable and mildly IT geeky in a cute Star Wars kinda way. He's somewhat nervous around me, which I find endearing.

In the meantime, New Guy started a new job, which in addition to his TWO OTHER JOBS, means he's working about eighty hours plus per week. I email or call or text him maybe once a week and notice that sometimes he responds and sometimes he doesn't. I chalked this up to his working a lot and also the fact I wasn't really asking him for a response, more at I was just saying thanks for the date or whatever.

After a few weeks, things turn wonderfully physical. During prior and subsequent dates he's displayed very cute googly behavior, such as being nervous around me and hesitantly groping for my hand. This leads me to believe he's interested in me.

So...here's the problem: I realize I'm the initiator of most of our contact. As said, I'll get in touch with him maybe once a week and he does enthusiastically respond to me, calling me back fairly quickly and always accepting my invitations to dinner (and the conversations are usually quite lengthy, not just a five minute thing, but a good twenty to thirty minutes, which I usually end, so it's not as if he's trying to get me off the phone). But I've also noticed that after a date, he doesn't respond to my follow-up thank you emails and sometimes a week will go by with no contact from him before I break down and call him again.

Friends say he's clueless and that this is not uncommon behavior for a soul who spends his day developing software. I feel like a heel calling him every week to say hi when I'm guessing his phone works just as well as mine. Also, there is also this weird "women shouldn't call men" thing that I think is wrong yet I'm somehow worried about breaching nonetheless.

What gives? I'm not even going to utter the phrase "is he just not that into me?" instead I'll ask what the hell? I really do care about him and it's been about six weeks now so I would expect there'd be a little more communication by now. Any insight? Furthermore, yes, I know I should ask him, but I don't know how to do that without sounding needy. So any advice you have on that would be helpful, too.

Is it worth it to date someone under these circumstances?

Anonymous — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 09:19:11 -0800

Is it worth it to date someone under these (non-exclusive) circumstances? I am not very familiar with the concept of dating several people at one time.

I've started seeing someone with whom I had an immediate and undeniable connection. In fact, when we first met he was saying a lot of things about the future and even mentioned "marriage" several times (although in a joking manner). My initial impression of him is that he wanted a relationship that would be emotionally intimate.

When we first met I learned that he had just ended a serious relationship. Well, his ex recently visited from out of town and he told me that they slept together. I'm not really mad about this, as he was totally honest with me about it and had been clear all along that ours was not an exclusive relationship. The thing that bothers me is that I know that he was very happy her and that the only reason they aren't together is that she moved across the country. However, he said they had "tried to work things out but it's not going to happen."

He told me that he really likes me...in fact, that he's "crazy" about me but that he simply isn't ready for an exclusive/serious relationship since his last relationship ended so recently. I do believe that he is an honest, (not a "player" or a "liar") but my fear is that I'm being too naive to read between the lines and that perhaps he is saying that I'm "not the one" for him. Also, he's a bit younger than me (mid 20s) and I wonder if this contributes to his desire to avoid getting serious too quickly and that maybe he's just going to be in party mode for a while.

I think we could be very well suited for each other, but I'm not sure I like the "terms" of the relationship (i.e. "not serious until further notice."). However, I haven't known him that long (only a little over a month) and I know that a lot of people date longer than that before they agree to be exclusive. Also, I am allowed to date other people if I wish (but I would rather be exclusive with him).

I am a sensitive person. Am I setting myself up for disappointment if I date him under these circumstances? I don't mind going with the flow, but only if it seems like there might be a possibility that this could turn into something more serious.

Should I ask my "friend" if she wants to have casual sex with me?

Anonymous — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 19:17:09 -0800

Should I ask my "friend" if she wants to have casual sex with me? Here's a bit of a gen-X versus gen-Y dillema for y'all.

I'm a 36 y/o single guy. About 2 years ago, I met this 24 y/o girl in a pub we both frequent. I found her very physically attractive, and she's very charming, but, at first, I never even considered the possibility that she would have any interest in an older guy like me. But after a month or so of casually chatting and drinking with her, one night, after quite a lot of beer, we ended up sleeping together.

At the time, I didn't take it too seriously, and the most I was hoping for was that we could have some kind of "friends with benefits" arrangement. We were both single, and (seemingly) attracted to each other. I thought that she thought the same way. But then she started to say things that made me think she wanted more. She started telling me how much she liked me and talking about dating, but there was always some excuse why it had to wait. I switched off the "friends with benefits" thoughts and started to think of her as a ... a potential girlfriend.

After several months of being told "yes, but not yet", I guess I started to appear too desperate and turned her off. I ended up getting the "sorry, but I can't give you what you want" talk.

We remained friends, and have become very close friends. Getting to know her better, my feelings have become much stronger. She knows this. I have been very clear with her. And I know she has some kind of feeling for me. But she has said she just wants to be young and have fun and not get into anything serious. I can understand that. Another factor is that she has some medical complications which make her feel like she has to have as much fun as she can, while she can.

She is quite promiscuous, and often tells me about the guys (or girls) she has been seeing. This hurts me a lot to hear, but I know that we are "just friends" so I nod and smile and tell her to have fun, but look after herself.

It's a difficult situation.

So, a few nights ago, she was telling me about a guy we both know that she had a brief fling with, but she ended it when he started to get too serious. She was saying things to me like "I just want sex", "I love sex" and "Why can't I find a guy who doesn't take it seriously?". These comments floored me at the time. I didn't know how to respond. She wasn't telling me anything I didn't already know. But it's very confusing to hear someone you are attracted to say things like that to you, when they have been telling you "no" for 2 years.

I am in two minds about the whole thing. My logical mind knows that there is no way we could be more than friends, mainly due to the fact that we are in different stages in our lives. But the emotional part of me, my heart, still yearns for her.

But after her comments the other night, I am wondering whether I should try get back to what I originally was wanting from her - friends with benefits. Hey, I like sex too, and could certainly do with some more. And hearing her say those things has kinda solidified the thought that she is not "partner material" for me..... But, I still like her.

I have been thinking about it a lot. She seems to have some rule about "no sex with people who care about me", which I can understand, in her current mind-set. She doesn't want to risk the friendship. But I do think, that after all we've been through, and the fact that we both understand what each other want, that maybe it could actually be a good thing for us. It might even bring us closer together as friends. At the very least, it would relieve a lot of tension. There is a LOT of tension there on my behalf, since we just had that one night together, and I was hoping for so much more.

So, what do you think, hive mind? Putting aside the fact that I would quite likely be shot down in flames, do you think I should suggest that we have casual sex? Or at least let her know that I am open to it and that I fully understand that she doesn't want any emotional overhead? Or is she right in not wanting to go there because it might endanger our friendship?

(And yes, before you ask, I would most definitely wear protection.)

What's my next move, if any?

Anonymous — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 15:28:39 -0800

Guy is showing me all the signs, constantly contacting me and flirting with me. Then he disappears?? I have very little dating experience, so I need wisdom. I am in my mid-20s, and not very experienced at all in dating, so I would like to seek some advice.

A short time back, I ran into an old schoolmate of mine. We were never in the same classes, but I remembered him from an extracurricular activity we both used to do. I barely noticed him at the time, and I think it was the same for him. We were always polite to each other, but never talked alone - always in groups. Literally I think I can recall about 3 maximum group interactions with him.

Fast forward 3 years. I've taken some effort since then to invest in my appearance and I look somewhat attractive now. Ran into this guy at a coffee shop, we both talked for like 10 mins just catching up. Walked out not thinking any of it.

About a week later, I get an email from him wanting to hang out and meet up. This really caught me by surprise, but I went with it. Had a good time with him, and we were both definitely smiling alot, laughing.

The day onward, he proceeds to call me, text, email - everything - pretty much everyday. I was flattered and I took these things as a sign that he was very much interested in getting to know me. We hung out a couple more times during the next week, and it was clear (to me at least) that we had chemistry.

A few days later (with him keeping up the same pace - its been like this for about 1.5 weeks), nothing has really "happened" between us yet... and I am getting antsy. (this is where I think my lack of dating skills comes into play). It seems to me like he is not going to say anything about how much we've been talking, hanging out (which is ALL initiated by him). I tell him I would like to know what's going on and where's this going--is this friendship or are we romantically interested in each other?

I thought that was a fair question. I tend to get really emotionally attached, and I was not in the mood to be in a relationship where we hang out like this ad nauseum with no idea if this is friendship or something more b/c he won't say anything. I am not looking for something serious, but yes, I do want to date him.

So he responds by saying he thinks I am attractive and likes hanging out with me. He also doesn't want anything serious and wants to just date, take it slow. I agree and say the same, but I told him I am really interested in dating (again NOT a relationship at this point in time). If this is just going to be friendship, then Iwould prefer we hang out less. (we were seeing each other like every other night, again, initiated by him). There was some light physical interaction after that, not really anything.

But since that night, we've talked on the phone once, when I called him. He then proceeded to tell me that since we are both busy, he will call me in a few weeks and maybe we can revisit the issue about us then.

WTF? Is this guy a jerk? Was I wrong for saying something? Is he just not interested anymore? I feel like I am not going to make myself look desparate, so I haven't contacted him beyond that phone call where he said "he would contact me in a few weeks."

I am just kind of annoyed though because I have no idea what just happened. I find him physically attractive and would like to date him. I made this clear by my words, I thought he was making this clear by his actions. But all of a sudden... he's gone?

Lost cause? If not, what should I do on my end to rekindle his interest in me? I feel so lame for writing that!

Is my relationship the titanic about to hit an iceberg?

Anonymous — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 18:41:03 -0800

I love my boyfriend but I fear we aren't compatible for the long term. How to know if it these are things that are important enough to justify breaking up sooner rather than later... I'm going to try to make this thorough as it is anonymous and I can't really reply to questions (though I have made a gmail account if you want to email me and ask questions: is.love.enough@gmail.com)

- I'm 26, he's 27
- we've been dating for 7 months
- we get along well, have a good time together and have shared interests
- we have a pretty good balance of spending time together alone, spending time apart, and spending time together with our friends

Where things get a bit sticky are:
- We have very different ways of approaching things and thinking. I have been brought up to always think of the future and the long term consequences of every decision (hence this question, ha ha), where he only thinks in the short term and rarely things of long term effects. (ie. He needs to rent an apartment, gets a year long lease that is more than his budget can afford, but, well, he had to get an apartment so what was he supposed to do? He can surely find a way to afford it, I just worry too much...) This habit of "act first, consider later" worries (and frankly irritates) me to no end and I am concerned what it would mean for decisions that would affect us both....

- I grew up fairly affluent (professional parents, big house, live-in nanny and a house keeper, etc), he grew at the complete other end of the spectrum (on/below the poverty line). This wouldn't matter in the slightest except when it comes to what we expect our lives to look like in the future... veeeerrrrrry different life expectations. I fully expect/intend/demand to live a comfortable financial life where I would be able to provide fully for my children, go on trips every few years, not have to worry about going out to dinner a couple times a month, not have to worry about bills every month, etc. The life he is currently setting himself up for is not even close to that. He is two years out of school and hasn't made a single payment on his student loan. That, to me, is insanity, especially since he is working at a job that severely underpays him and doesn't allow him to make payments, and yet he intends to keep working there for another year... which brings me to my next worry....

- He is a chronic settler. His habit seems to be to settle for situations that are unsatisfactory. I suspect (and he has basically confirmed it when we talked about it) that it is because growing up they generally had to take what they could get, and their expectations were kept low. This is causing problems now, though. He proposed to an ex-girlfriend even though he (and his friends who were there during that relationship) has said that he was unhappy in that relationship. And right now he is settling for working at a job that he doesn't enjoy, has no benefits (including vacation pay despite it being legally required), and that underpays him significantly. Yet his plan is to 'stick it out' for another year because it is kinda in his field. He thinks maybe he'll go back to school, but is unsure so he is burning years and getting more in debt. It drives me nuts too because he is a smart guy and he has so much more potential than he demonstrates. I get really anxious about debt and am intentionally living really cheaply so that I will have my OWN student loan paid off before I'm 30. His slightly "oh well"-ish attitude towards debt terrifies me. I think we would forever fight about money.

So in summary:
- He is a lovely man, treats me really well, and I love him
- He never thinks of long term consequences or the implications of his decisions, and because of that frequently gets into pickles
- He is setting himself up for a very uncomfortable life financially, and I am not prepared for that
- He is too keen to put up and deal with unsatisfactory situations, especially with an unsatisfactory career where he is capable of SO MUCH MORE because he is a really smart guy

I don't want to imply I am without fault or that I am somehow some perfect angel of a girlfriend. I have flaws and guaranteed I do things that bother him as well. I am just concerned that these differences are things that are going cause a whole lot of problems in the future. I also don't want to be one of those girls who go into relationships expecting their boyfriends to change dramatically. It is unfair to him and it would be really unrealistic and unavoidably disappointing for me.

I do love him, but you hear so many stories of people who were aware of issues early in the relationship, hoped they would work themselves out, and then ultimately break up in a much more messy and painful way than it would have been if they broke up earlier....

So what is the hive mind's option? Am I over thinking? Is love enough to avoid these hurtles? Should we break up now while it is amicable, or should we wait to see if it gets messy in case it doesn't? Anyone been in a similar situation where they know what the problems are but hope that they won't matter?

And please.... no comments like "poor little rich girl" or "you can make enough money for the both of you" etc. I have worked since I was 14 including all through university, everything I own I have paid for myself, because my parents made very sure that my siblings and I are all fully self sufficient, had a strong sense of the value of money, and ensured we are all able support ourselves fully.

Am I just happier being single?

Anonymous — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 07:32:38 -0800

Am I just happier being single? I'm a 33 year-old guy. Since my early 20's, I've been involved in five relationships that lasted long enough (say ~ 1 year or more) and had enough compatibility to contemplate getting married. In each of these cases I broke up with the woman, and in retrospect I know that was the right decision in four of the cases. The fifth case is a bit more ambiguous: I'm not 100% sure I made the right decision, but I am completely at peace with it.

About four months ago, I met the girl who is seemingly the girl of my dreams. She's super-smart, attractive, and fun to be around. To summarize, I don't really have any significant complaints and, although I realize that these are still early days, I think that I have enough relationship experience to realize that this is different. One downside is that we live about 2 hours away from each other, for the next year, or so. We used to live in the same city.

So, good for me, end of story, right? Unfortunately, no. Over the past few weeks, I've begun to feel pretty uneasy about being in a relationship. Part of these feelings probably originate from the fact that we're pretty much spending all of our weekends together, since we rarely see each other during the week. This can leave little time alone or time alone with friends. I imagine that this is fairly normal challenge, and something that we can address.

The potentially more worrisome issue for me is that I've noticed that I generally feel / act like a slightly different person when I'm in a relationship versus when I'm single. I feel more constrained, less fun, less outgoing, less positive, and less energetic. Coupled with a packed schedule, these feelings can make it challenging to make new friends in the area that I've just moved to.

I know that there might be a little bit of a grass-is-greener syndrome happening here, and I recognize that this is something I might want to seek a professional opinion on, which I'm not opposed to, but I'd still like to hear what some of you think.

Specifically, I would like to know if any of you have ever felt similarly ambivalent about someone who was clearly awesome and clearly a better match for you than anyone you had dated in the past. What did you do about it? Are you happy with the decision? A large part of me thinks I should just plow ahead, while working out these details with a therapist, since she is clearly a catch.

On the other hand, are you someone who has decided that you're happier being single? I know that there are threads about this, but I'm particularly interested in hearing from those who have made this decision in the absence of any particularly bad relationship experiences. My relationships have been pretty good, for the most part, but I noticed after my last breakup (before the current gf) that I became happier, more active, healthier, and more engaged with the world. Of course, this was only a 3-4 month sample, so I may not have felt that way if it had been years. If you've taken this path, how has this turned out for you? Are you happy with the decision?

Thanks a bunch. You've all been so helpful in the past and I love you for that!

A kiss is just a kiss

Anonymous — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 23:05:14 -0800

Am I fair in blaming a snail's-pace relationship on my weak ability to show affection? I'm ~3 months into a relationship with a girl I'm smitten over. Unfortunately, it's the most G-rated, nonphysical relationship I've ever been in. The same for her, probably, as she's had lots of sex before me. Our relationship has evolved very little since the first date. I'm worried I'm more the problem than she is.

Both of us have executed few acts of entering the other's personal space. Very little hand-holding: her hands are always somewhere that I can't reach them without a little force, like the purse strap. Kissing happens only at the end of dates, and they're split-second short. (The exception is last Sunday, when I couldn't take it anymore and asked her outright for a nice kiss. 'Sure,' she said, and it was so.) No making out and sex, by corollary.

For someone who's had way more experience than I've had, I'm stumped why this relationship has basically stalled. I'm more than happy to wait indefinitely for sex, but no other forms of affection have come to fill the void. I'm the source of most of it, and I don't even do that much because I stress out about what she'd think. In a theatre I managed to reach over and give her a quick body squeeze before bailing out. She's been to my apartment once (it was early on and she knew I wouldn't pull any moves; we talked the entire time), but I don't know if I could ask her over again. I feel like she'd interpret it as a push for sex, which may or may not be the case, who knows. (Which is an interesting side question: how does one pose this invitation?) I used to be the exact opposite: with past GFs, I wouldn't shut up about how much I 'loved' them. In hindsight it was totally creepy.

Am I fair in blaming a snail's-pace relationship on my weak ability to show affection? What can I do to improve myself or get her to understand how I feel about her lack of response? Bringing up the desire for a good kiss is one thing, but I can't keep doing it for squeezing, hand-holding, first base, etc.

(Please don't suggest that I DTMFA. I know it sounds like she's cold and uninterested in me. I'm sure she enjoys my company very much. What we lack in physicality we make up verbally: we spend six hour stretches just talking and having fun.)

How do I rebuild my self-esteem after a break-up?

zembla3 — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 12:44:07 -0800

How can I rebuild my self-esteem after a break-up? A guy I really liked, whom I'd dated for a few months, recently broke up with me (I'm a woman in her late 20s.) I took it hard, but we've remained friends. He is dealing with several serious personal issues outside of my control, and my friends have repeatedly assured me that I'm an awesome person and that the break-up was not my fault. But I'm still struggling with feelings of "I'm somehow deficient as a person, and that's why my romantic relationships don't work out."

Some background: I have been in one long-term relationship (lasting about two years) that ended because we simply grew apart/lost the "spark." Since then, I've only been seriously interested in three other guys, all of whom I dated for less than six months. In each case, the guy I was dating broke up with me - although in one case, the guy contacted me a couple of years later to tell me that he'd been dealing with some emotional problems at the time and that the break-up wasn't my fault whatsoever. I should note that, until recently, I haven't been especially active on the dating scene, assuming that the right person would find me at the right time. In a number of instances, I went out on one or two dates with a guy and subsequently decided he just wasn't right for me.

I know that it takes two people to make a relationship work, and that you can't necessarily fault only one person for a break-up. I have a great, close-knit group of friends who assure me that I'm smart, funny and attractive, and that some day I'll find the right guy. I assume that these excellent, socially adept, well-adjusted people wouldn't be such good friends with me if I were unlovable or seriously screwed up in some way. But for some reason, I'm having a hard time getting over this most recent break-up, and I can't shake this onslaught of low self-esteem. How can I rebuild a positive self-image?

Need advice for how to prepare for a long distance relationship

gwenlister — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 08:00:02 -0800

Long-distance Relationship Filter: There is a good chance my boyfriend may be moving to a town an hour an a half away from me (for a job). Need advice for how to prepare for a long distance relationship, as well as tips for how to make being far from him most of the time manageable. I am jumping the gun a little bit as he hasn't been offered the job yet, but they were really eager to get him in for an interview and he is well qualified for the job. Also, this job, should he get it, would be excellent for his career, have him earning more than double what he is now, and give him much more opportunity for advancement as well as great benefits. I'm being a good girlfriend and encouraging him and this job opportunity, but he and I are in agreement that being long distance is not best case scenario. Moving with him isn't an option either, despite what my father suggests, as there is zero jobs in my field (computer programming) in the town he would be moving to, plus I am currently in a contract until the end of March.

Neither of us have cars, so traveling back and forth will most likely rely on the bus. We have only been dating 6 months (actually, today is our six month anniversary) but the possibility of marriage has been discussed a few times and frankly we both see it happening in time. (We're 26/27 and both have been in enough relationships to know that what we have is pretty amazing).

We have enjoyed spending many evenings/nights together, not just weekends, and I know I am going to miss that a lot if/when he moves. We rarely go more than 2 nights without him staying over. We both have friends here, and we spend lots of times apart hanging out with our respective friends (as well as together with friends), so it isn't like we spend every minute with each other, but we do spend a lot of time together. I need advice for how to get used to not having him around all the time.

Assuming he is offered the job, how do we manage this? Any advice from people who have done the long-distance thing and know what works/doesn't work? How do we adjust from being together all the time to only on weekends, if that?

"He's Just Not That Into You": Fact or Fiction?

zembla3 — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 08:36:43 -0800

Question for the guys: I've been reading "He's Just Not That Into You," which posits that if a guy is really interested in a woman, he'll pursue her relentlessly, no matter what else is going on in his life. Is this a valid theory? Has there ever been a time when you really liked a woman and were attracted to her, but didn't pursue a relationship because of external factors that had nothing to do with her (e.g. work problems, family illness, trauma of past relationship)?

How does a very good man meet a very good woman?

Anonymous — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 06:24:05 -0800

How does a very good man meet a very good woman? I am a slightly overweight, fairly good-looking but not stunning college drop-out with limited future earning potential. My best friend is in incredible shape, has a doctorate in a technical field, is a talented poet (for real, no embarrassing or childish doggerel), and a sweet and charitable guy, with an amazing future ahead of him. We are both in our late twenties, and we live in the southwest U.S.

So why is it easy for me to establish meaningful long-term romantic relationships with interesting, beautiful, intelligent women, and he just can't seem to meet anyone?

He's been in long-term relationships before, and I've observed him to be a generous, loving partner - but lately things have been bleak for him. I cannot figure out why, and I have been thinking about this for literally years before I decided the hell with it, I'm asking MeFi. I know you don't know him, and maybe you're ill-equipped to answer such a nebulous question, but where are the smart, fun, kind, interesting women whom I can't imagine not being crazy about this guy? What can I do to help him?

You can reach me at anonaskme999@gmail.com if you have any questions. Thanks.

Keep on trying / 'til we run out of cake

Anonymous — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 16:15:24 -0800

GirlfriendFilter: What should my almost-but-not-quite girlfriend of two months and I do to celebrate her birthday? I'm in the entry phase of my first 'official' relationship. We've been dating exclusively for two months, taking it slow. I'm nuts about her already, and for once in my life, I sense the girl feels similarly. Still, I've been good in demonstrating affection in properly paced ways that don't command a restraining order.

She'll be out of town on her birthday, the 25th of this month. It'll probably be an uneventful day with her parents in an unfamiliar city. Sometime after she comes back I want to do something more interesting for her. We live in Austin, we're both pretty low-key people (therefore making skydiving an unlikely choice), and I don't want to go overboard for a relationship that isn't yet a relationship. Basically, I seek a day/night of fun that is a happy medium between 'dinner + [minor activity] + coffee' and 'giving her dad 20 camels.' This is not to be confused with 'what should I get her as a present'—can't go wrong with a book I know she wants.)

How do I make a "mark" understand that they are being scammed?

greensweater — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 05:56:12 -0800

I have a 60-year-old female friend who is single and spends a lot of time on dating sites. She seems unaware of the risk for fraud and scams. She's fallen into a travel scam with a "man from Louisiana working in Uganda" and just wired $110 to a third party. She's both totally convinced and stubbornly attached to the "relationship." I've compiled a list of links regarding how to spot dating scams etc. However, my concern is that no matter how many articles I show her about avoiding scams like this one, she won't let go of her fantasy. I imagine that there are a lot of psychological implications which will have to be carefully navigated in order to get through to her. Has anyone experienced this? How did you unconvince them?