Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with dating and jealousy

Am I wrong for getting a bad feeling about my boyfriend's dating coach?

ponytime — Sat, 02 Feb 2013 09:12:08 -0800

Started dating a great guy, he became my boyfriend probably a month and a half ago. A few weeks into the relationship we were talking and it turns out that he has a "dating coach" and he still meets with her in weekly phone calls because he enjoys her advice. This rubbed the wrong way and googling her, I found she's also totally hot. It just creeps me out that this totally hot woman has so much impact on my boyfriend's life. But my boyfriend pointed out that he also has lots of female friends and maybe he discusses our relationship with them too. To be honest that didn't make me feel any better, especially since I reduced the intimacy of a few male friendships when my boyfriend and I got more serious (I don't go out drinking with them at night alone or have long chats about relationship problems or whatever, though I still see them for sure and have great friendships with them....apparently things my boyfriend is doing with his female friends it turns out after the dating coach conversation). I'm just getting the impression that my boyfriend has a cadre of woman pulling the strings behind our relationship and it's not a positive feeling, but I also don't want to be a jealous creepster or anything like that. So I haven't really said anything about my negative feelings, but they keep nagging on me and I am feeling less attracted to him and stressed about us, which is worrying and unusual so early on in a relationship. I started worrying that maybe I'm the one who is insecure and I have no right to tell him about how to conduct his social life, and maybe I just need to bail and work on my own issues and then find someone who doesn't stress me out in this way :(

Dealing with insecurity in the BDSM/poly life

RockPuppet — Mon, 22 Oct 2012 10:15:42 -0800

BDSMfilter: Newbie male bottom + experienced poly top = insecurity vortex! Help! I'm a newcomer to the BDSM community in my city, and recently I met a woman who is very experienced in the local scene. We've gone to some events together and played in the bedroom a couple of times. This is the closest I've ever come to having a real "play partner", after many years of being alone with my kink.

I'm now starting to have strong feelings for her, complicated by the fact that she's polyamorous, something which is a totally new thing for me. I don't have a philosophical problem with the poly life, but experiencing it first-hand is making me aware of some of the emotional pitfalls that can come with it. I'm pretty insecure about dating at the best of times, and this takes it to a whole new level. She seems to enjoy my company enough to make time for me once a week or so, but she's not terribly demonstrative verbally — I truly don't know what, if anything, she thinks of me. We've never discussed the details of how she structures her relationships, and I have no idea how many partners she has. But just knowing that she has other, more experienced people to play with leaves me wondering what I could possibly have to offer her that she's not already getting elsewhere. I want to be able to relate to her as equals, but I feel like that's not possible when I'm in the dark as to what her expectations are, and whether playing with me is even meeting any of her needs.

I know that this is not a healthy dynamic, and I really, really want to communicate with her about this. I care a lot about her, and I'm excited about exploring this world together. But I'm wondering whether maybe the excitement is all on my end. It would be so great to know where we both stand, but I don't know how to broach the subject without sounding needy and insecure — or presumptuous, for that matter. Is there a good way to bring this up?

How to preserve my friendship with an ex now that I'm involved with a new person?

Anonymous — Tue, 12 Jun 2012 11:30:12 -0800

We dated for quite a while, but it didn't work out and we've ended up as good friends. But now I'm entering a serious relationship for the first time since it ended, and the shift in my attention seems to be rattling her. How can I handle this gracefully? Sorry, this is going to be long. But because I'm submitting anonymously and can't clarify things later, I'm trying to be complete up front.

I was emerging from the shadow of a painful divorce when I met A(nn). It was far enough behind me that I felt past the rebound stage and ready for a real relationship, but I hadn't been in one yet. We started dating and I liked Ann. I enjoyed her company, we shared interests, we had a good time together, and we were affectionate and supportive of each other. But my feelings never developed into real love. Nonetheless, we dated for almost a year.

I stayed that long because I wasn't sure I trusted that lack of stronger feeling given what I'd been through. I liked her. She was good to me and I needed that in my life. And I thought my feelings might grow if I was patient with my rebooting heart. Eventually I realized that it wasn't happening. I also knew her feelings for me were stronger, and I wasn't doing her any favors by letting her get more deeply involved when I knew it wasn't going further. So I broke up with her, saying that I thought we had a really good friendship and we should keep that even if that was all it was. This would be a little over a year ago.

And we have become really good friends since then. We talk often, do things together, grab dinner, and so on. It does sound kind of like dating, actually, but has stayed purely platonic. I'd estimate we see each other two, maybe three times a month. I value her friendship for myself, but I think part of it for me is also guilt about effectively stringing her along for a year. She's also in a sort of chronic career/financial crisis, perpetually a couple months from finally finishing a doctoral thesis that's always stressing her out, has faced family medical crises, and lives in a city where she doesn't really have that much of a support network. Basically, she needs a good friend and I want to be there for her. It's not like I can't use a good friend too.

About six months after we broke up, I dipped my toe in the dating pool again. What's followed has been a lot of first dates, and a few subsequent ones, but nothing's gotten serious. Ann is aware of this, and has been quite supportive, even taking it upon herself to overhaul my wardrobe. She herself has not been dating, though she keeps saying she's going to as soon as the thesis is done, and occasionally mentions that some guy flirted with her.

So that was the status quo, until B(eth) came along. Beth and I have been seeing each other for about a month now. Other people I was in that first date stage with sort of faded away and I haven't looked for others. It's still a new thing and I don't know where it will go, but I've hidden my online profile and we've started talking exclusivity. Basically, this looks like my first real relationship since Ann.

Ann's been generally aware of this dating ebb and flow, mainly in a "what'd you do this weekend?" "went to a show," "oh, with X?" "yeah," kind of way. I don't specifically inform her of my dating schedule. But as she's noticed that X increasingly equals Beth, she seems to be a bit rattled. She's mentioned a couple times that what I ought to be doing is keeping three dating partners in rotation. I ignored that, but then came something that was harder to ignore.

Ann called to ask if I was free for an outing on Saturday. I wouldn't mind doing something with her, but I wanted to check with Beth first and see what our weekend plans were, so my answer was that I didn't know yet. She asked if I actually had something on the calendar and I admitted I didn't. She was definitely put out by this. Her response was along the lines of "so some temporary woman is more important than me." Where we left it was that I'd get back to her within a day and let her know. But the exchange has me worried.

I'm getting the sense that Ann still has proprietary feelings toward me. She could play along with me dating other people as long as it was casual, and didn't threaten her share of my attention. But now that Beth has come along, with whom my goal is to not be "temporary," she's having issues. I'm moving into a place where I feel Beth has first claim on my time now, and that hasn't happened before.

I don't want to hurt Ann, and I do value her friendship and want to maintain it. But part of me worries that, by sticking around and being such a close friend, by effectively maintaining pretty much everything about our relationship except the romantic and physical parts, I've sort of enabled her to never quite completely break it off with me.

So my basic question is how do I handle this transition with some modicum of grace? And I guess the deeper one is, by trying to be a good friend to Ann, am I actually keeping her from moving on and ultimately hurting her more than I'm helping?

Will my fear of vulnerability doom me to aloneness?

bengalibelle — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 21:20:13 -0800

Help me figure things out! I just ended a casual relationship and I'm worried that I will only continue to stop connecting to people due to my deep fear of rejection. The extended explanation is quite long, but I've been needing to vent to a group of strangers for a while so bear with me while I rant my cerebral crazy. I'm a 24-year-old female living alone in a college town after moving away from the city I went to college in. I needed to move away from the old city just to get a new start, get away from the memories of a couple of failed relationships, and be on my own and figure out what drives me. Needless to say, my romantic qualms affect me more than your average person, but I have stayed single for the past four years or so besides having some extended flings that were never real relationships. This pattern of being sexually involved with men, taking it casually and enjoying life, and then ending up caring about them, and then not having it be what I consider a real relationship, has led me to ... a strange approach when it comes to romantic relationships and I'm worried that I won't be able to fix it.

So I moved to this new city for a job, and after a few months, I left my job because I was just unhappy in it and here, in general. I have been feeling a little bit alone and misguided and furthermore, I didn't really see a future in the field I was in. Since leaving my job, I have decided on a new career trajectory that is more aligned with my natural inclinations (psychology...surprise!) have taken and aced the GRE and applied to a program that I will likely begin in the fall. Since then, I have felt pretty energetic and happy about my decision. I have a couple of friends here, and am friends with some of my former coworkers and hanging out with them is not awkward at all. But I still felt romantically (and sexually) lonely and a need for companionship.

About six weeks ago, I started dating someone I met on an online dating site. This person has a child from a previous marriage and is still not technically divorced from his wife (apparently separation works best in terms of tax advantages). We began dating although I was hesitant, because I told myself that due to my attachment style I am not best suited for casual relationships. However, I then decided that due to the timing (only five more months in this city) I could just have a fling with an expiration date and it would be easier.

Fast forward, I began sleeping with this guy and seeing him relatively consistently. The sex started off extremely wonderful, and I achieved orgasm pretty frequently (which is difficult for me) and he was generally really attentive and sweet, which I enjoyed. I think he is a bit lonely here too and we both kind of just fell into something that felt a lot like a relationship even though I don't want to get emotionally involved re: his baggage and my expiration date. While under the influence of substances, he brought up having "the talk" and I was like, well, why can't two people just enjoy their lives and not worry about it. And then he brought up how I was moving to New York and he just got out of something serious, and we both kind of decided to not bring it up again. However, we continued to hang out almost every day, talking every day, and resembling a couple. I genuinely enjoyed this, besides the fact that I am a woman and enjoy attention and sex from a man who is very complimentary, I am also an ENFP, if that means anything to anyone, and I love the beginnings of relationships and connecting to people on a one on one basis, while being carefree and exploring their interests. We had a great time together, exploring shared interests and restaurants and just being companions to each other in a somewhat transplant-y college town.

However, I just broke up with him because I felt that this prolonged time spent together was resulting in me having feelings for him, and this is something that I want to avoid. Furthermore, there were a couple of red flags that showed up. I want to know if I am overreacting or crazy or just looking for wrong things and preventing myself from connecting with people out of a fear of being hurt.

Three things: the other night he came over and started moving around my furniture and generally cleaning up my apartment. I will admit that it was messy, and for that reason I didn't really want him over in the first place. It was sweet that he wanted to clean things up, and I enjoyed the changes that he made, but I felt like he was overstepping boundaries. Considering I originally planned to be f--- buddies, I felt that this was a symbol of him kind of just barging into my life and changing things without really having my permission. And that bothered me. Furthermore, when I told him it bothered me, but then that it was nice that he did it and I suppose I could say I was lucky, he said "Yes, you are lucky. Most guys would just f--- you and leave, but I care about your environment and want you to have peace of mind." That TOTALLY threw me off.

Second thing, we were sitting and watching a TV show and a very attractive female character did a seductive sexy song and dance. FYI, I am pretty sexually possessive and generally want to maintain the illusion that I am the only woman that a man I am with desires, and so I am prone to a tiny bit of jealousy that usually is harmless unless a guy is really over the top about his flirtation or interest in another woman. I was fine with watching this, even though he was visibly ogling her, because I think a certain level of jealousy is a good sign of possessiveness. He went on to mention something to the effect of wanting to have a threesome with this woman (WHO IS ON TV, and not even real) and I was even fine with it after he asked me to rewind and watch the scene again. But THEN, he asked me to rewind it again. I said no, I want to watch the show from start to finish and stop rewinding things. He kept asking, persistently, which only served to bother me more and more. This summed up in him asking me about ten or twelve (no exaggeration) more times over the course of the next hour (HE WOULDN'T DROP IT AFTER AN HOUR) to rewind to that scene and rewatch it, and I just felt completely disrespected. First of all, if you're sleeping with a woman, why would you force her to replay a scene that only you are really going to enjoy because it objectifies a woman being sultry and seductive. WATCH IT ON YOUR OWN TIME, I even TOLD him that. I felt disrespected because any man that felt romantically toward me should have been able to discern why this was bothering me and then drop it, but he refused to drop it. Literally, he asked ten more times throughout the rest of the show and it prevented me from enjoying the show which I've been looking forward to for a little over a year (yes, it was the Mad Men S5 premier). I thought maybe he was either dense or an asshole. Anyway, my possessiveness and pride made this incident kind of rub me the wrong way, and I began to resent that I felt any jealousy at all.

After this occurred (last night), he did apologize and say that he'd gone and upset me again, but I honestly don't think he knew why I was upset, because he thought it was just because he kept asking to rewind in general and not because his desperation to ogle this woman was a total turnoff. I just tight-lippedly said that I wasn't upset but I just wanted to be alone and drove him back to his house. This morning he messaged me to talk and I basically broke up with him. It bothered me that I was bothered at all, by feeling possessive over him or jealous that he was attracted to another woman. A normal person might brush off those feelings as normal in a romantic relationship, but instead of doing that, I felt out of control and wanted to avoid those feelings and avoid the vulnerability and demonize myself for even getting attached to this guy that I've been sleeping with. I guess what really bothered me is that my affection for him made me vulnerable and susceptible to being hurt by something that he said or did or felt, in a way that I wouldn't feel if I didn't feel that affection, and it made me want to stop having feelings for him and the only way I could think to do that was to break up with him.

The thing is that we really did have a wonderful time when we were dating and before these things happened, and I'm wondering if I overreacted or am generally crazy. I will say that he never really apologized for being rude or disrespectful and that even in the context of a casual relationship, I think I do deserve better than that. But on the other hand, he was really sweet and attentive and caring before this episode, so was this just one day of bad mistakes or just the cracks beginning to show in a new "relationship"? Another problem is that I ended my last relationship for the same reason (an intense fear of vulnerability and having feelings for someone without a guarantee that there was a future), and ended up regretting it a lot. I am worried that this is a pattern and that I will only feel safe if I know that I am going to marry the person I am with or that they will never hurt, leave, or disrespect me, which completely precludes casual dating.

All of this is compounded by the fact that I don't have too many friends here and that this casual relationship was a source of great comfort and happiness to me over the past six weeks, which is making me question my decision, although it seemed sensible at the time. After all, in my mind this relationship did not have a long-term future - but when I began it, that was what attracted me to it. Am I just one of those people who can't do casual, or was my reaction to his actions justified?

How do I break jealous thought patterns?

ArgyleMarionette — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 18:22:02 -0800

Ex-girlfriend jealousy, my-own-brain-originating-type. How do I break jealous thought patterns? I get jealous of my boyfriend's past relationships and experiences, and I don't know why this happens, or how to stop. One small thought triggered by something completely random can give me a sinking feeling in my stomach, a strong all-over feeling of dread, and other "brain spiral" sort of feelings (cf. my depressive/ideation tendencies). Examples include: a) he mentioned that he fell crazy in love with a girl he was very into and made it sound like he never got over her. So I occasionally have this urge to dig and find out more about this, her, what went wrong, etc. b) he is close friends with an ex he broke up with over 5 years ago (they had a ~7 year relationship in college/their twenties). I never met her, but based on little things he's mentioned and my own poking around, I know things about her. I see one phrase related to, say, her profession or travels, then compare myself to her and think of reasons why she's better and I suck. c) He's dated several girls from countries outside where we are (US.) The country comes up in a news broadcast and I go from watching the news to thinking that I'm not special/not worthy because I don't speak foreign languages, haven't traveled extensively, etc.
Like I said -- really random triggers. This isn't even limited to girlfriends - certain times, mentions of his (fancy, elite, smart-person) college alma mater make me feel jealous. Or something comes up tangentially related to the fact that he lived in NYC for many years, and I feel like small potatoes, inexperienced, or "uncool" in comparison because I haven't had that experience.

Any thoughts regarding what's going on here are appreciated. I have brought this up in therapy, and with friends, and the responses are along the lines of: a) "But you're awesome for [XYZ]", b) "Why are you comparing?" c) "He's with YOU, isn't he?" d) pointing the nice things he does for me. All of these are valid, but they are not sticking or preventing my thoughts from popping up. And, honestly, it's embarrassing and strange, and I feel like it has the potential to hurt this relationship which, I think, overall, is a good thing I have going. (We have been dating a little less than a year, by the way.)

I'm 99% percent sure this comes from something deeper, because I do have a bad habit of comparing myself to other people as well, for instance, feeling jealous of other people's careers, which turns into thinking that I'm not as good a person, then into the depression and self-hatred, etc. I just don't know how to break out of it.

Any thoughts or resources are appreciated. Thank you in advance.

My ex is dating my boss. How do I get over it?

Anonymous — Mon, 18 Jul 2011 19:33:42 -0800

I dated someone I work with. Now she's dating my boss. I would love some tips on how to get over this without quitting. I dated someone who works at the same 50-person company as me (though doesn't work with me directly). The relationship went on for about a year and a half. She broke up with me and I took it hard, but made a great efforts not to show it. In my denial, we continued to hang out "as friends" about as much as we ever had. Often, this included sleeping over and cuddling. After many months, I realized that she was dating my boss. I asked her if it was true and she said yes.

Again, publicly, I kept it cool. But privately, it was all I could think about. I fumed. I was jealous. I was embarrassed. I felt like I wasn't good enough, but he was. I felt like neither of them respected me.

About 6 months have passed. We don't hang out anymore. I don't even think about whole thing very much -- except when I see them together. Then, it all comes rushing back. And since we work together, I see them together a lot.

I love this job. I don't want to leave. But I feel like this is a scab that I pick off every day.

Normally, the advice is to get some distance. What do you do when you can't get that distance? How do I convince my gut of what I know in my mind -- that this isn't about me, that I'm dating other people, and that it was probably for the best?

How do I stop being so jealous/protective/possessive of my female friend?

Anonymous — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 12:18:01 -0800

How do I stop being so jealous/protective/possessive of my female friend? I very briefly and casually dated one of my best friends a few years ago and it went pretty well - the only reason it ended is that she had to return to her college's city after the summer ended, and we both mutually agreed that the long distance thing probably wouldn't work. She had other boyfriends throughout college and I was fine with it, despite not being nearly as successful in the dating scene. Over the years, I eventually realized that we would probably not make a good couple anyway and that we had many differences. But she is till one of my best friends.

Now we live in the same town again, and have been for about a year now. She had a boyfriend for the first few months, and I actually liked him a lot. But they broke up a few months ago, and now she is single again.

For some reason, seeing her out in the dating scene, going to bars and flirting and giving her number to guys that are 10 years older than me - in person, and not from a long-distance perspective - is killing me. It probably doesn't help that I never stopped being attracted to her in a physical sense, but still - I have many attractive female friends who I don't get jealous of. I would like to convert her status to that of those other friends, where I can be happy to see her hitting it off with a guy at a party and not holding in feelings of jealousy.

My question is: How do I make these irrational feelings GO AWAY so I can simply have fun with my friend instead of feeling dread when we go out on the weekends?

Possible ideas that I've shot down:

- Talking to her: I think she assumes that I have moved on because it's been so many years since we were together. Talking to her would only make her extremely uncomfortable.

- Stop going out with her on weekends: I tried this for a while, but because she is a best friend and such a central point of my social circle, this would pretty much lead to me having to sit around alone on saturday nights while my friends go out and have fun. And I like going out with our friends.

- Start dating more so I can stop worrying about what she's doing and focus on my own love life: My goal has always been to start dating more, and I'm always putting myself out there. And I think one of the reasons for my jealousy is that she just has it easier than me - if she wants to go meet a guy, she pretty much just has to leave her house. If I want to meet a woman, I have to overcome layers and layers anxiety and shyness.

It's like, I don't want to be with her, but for some weird reason I can't get over the idea of her being with other people. I'm hoping someone has been in this place before and can offer some perspective. I want to be a good friend, and to have a healthier way of thinking, and enjoy life.

"You see this ring? Leave me the **** alone!"

Anonymous — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 09:38:18 -0800

How can you enjoy the bar scene when you're married (with or without your spouse)? My new wife and I enjoy going to see live bands and karaoke nights at local bars but it's a bit awkward now that we're married. There seems to be this unspoken presumption that everyone there is single, a.k.a. available, and I don't want sleazy guys hitting on her any more than she wants women hitting on me. Wearing our wedding rings (as we always do, of course) doesn't seem to be enough.

To make matters worse, I don't dance. I don't enjoy dancing and I don't want to learn. It's simply not anywhere remotely near my circle of interests. I'll stand by the stage and nod my head if there's a concert going, or sit at a table and listen. I'm kind of a wallflower. But my wife was born to dance. She'll hit the floor alone, where she's invariably asked by other men if they can dance with her. The skeezier guys don't ask at all, they just put their arms around her and try to get close until she pushes them away. This is not cool.

My wife also likes going on "girls nights" with her friends to clubs. I'm concerned that a gaggle of girls dancing together in this setting paints an extra-large target on my wife for would-be Don Juans. Not to mention that her friends are single and receptive to that sort of thing, and don't offer her much help staying away from it.

I've told my wife that I'm not interested in being a controlling husband or telling her what to do. I want her to have fun and do what she wants to do. I don't want to become one of those couples that disappears off the social radar as soon as they get married, because "married people aren't supposed to do those things." I trust my wife too, so I'm not worried about her reciprocating male attention; I just want to help her avoid those uncomfortable situations. We're not ready to give up on bars yet.

So my questions are... how can we have fun together and minimize people trying to pick us up, when we enjoy doing different things at bars (her dancing vs. my chilling), and what are some things my wife can do when I'm not there to keep unwanted attention away? I'm mostly concerned about her wellbeing because frankly, pervy/leery/grabby men are more of a problem in these bars than women are... my wife gets much more unwanted attention than I do (plus she's on the dance floor, which puts her more "out there" I guess). I hate how I'm unable to enjoy myself now because I'm so preoccupied thinking those guys might treat her like public property. I want to relax and have fun again without always being on alert for that crap, and so does she.

Maybe the problem is mainly that I'm just jealous, but I think it's more than that.

De profundis clamavi ad te

Anonymous — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 10:37:42 -0800

Ghosts-of-relationships-past-filter: How do I forget an old girlfriend, years gone by? I have been severely depressed all my life, which is undoubtedly something that contributes to this. I've been in treatment for depression, cycling through a variety of medications, therapists, and other approaches for the last five years or so.

I'm a guy. Eight years ago, during my mid-twenties, a relationship I had with a woman ended. It lasted longer than a year. It had its ups and downs but I loved her and enjoyed the relationship and did not want it to end; that was her decision.

She was my first girlfriend. I've had two relationships since then, each lasting a few months, one of which I'd describe as a good relationship and one I'd describe as a bad relationship.

We were good friends for a few years beforehand and remained friends afterwards and had sex a couple of times over the years. Once I tried to renew the relationship with her but although she displayed some hesitant interest I didn't get anywhere. (At the time she was experimenting with all kinds of dating sites and I think that more appealing options arose before I could "close the deal".)

Ever since we broke up I have thought of her very frequently and missed her very much; she lives a couple of hours away from me and so I usually only got to see her on a handful of occasions each year when I'd be up in her area or she down in mine. It usually makes me sad when I think of her even though it often begins with me recalling something that made me happy.

I would get aggravatedly jealous of her boyfriends and guys she would date (and talk about with me) though I didn't meet most of them and I didn't have any sort of confrontations with the ones I did meet, I managed to keep things cordial.

She was a good and loyal friend to me and did not take advantage of my feelings for her.

She undoubtedly knew that I was emotionally dependent on her. I felt that this was unfair to her and unhealthy for me so about three years ago I intentionally broke off all contact with her and even isolated myself somewhat from mutual friends. I haven't seen her or talked to her or had any other contact with her since, though I've frequently had to resist giving her a call; I don't really want to forget her but I recognize that is what's best.

A month or so ago I accidentally found out through Facebook that she's pregnant which unfortunately has tended to make me think about her even more frequently. (Curse you, Facebook. It really was an accident that I found this out. It was through a note on the profile of a mutual acquaintance; I didn't go looking for her there and haven't seen her profile, so I don't know whether she's married, still lives in the same place, or even if she has other kids.)

Soooooo... I guess the standard advice is to pursue other women and move on. But that isn't happening very quickly so I thought I'd ask if the hive mind has any other ideas or cogent and pithy thoughts on the matter... Have you had a persistent pining like this, one that can be measured in decades or big fractions thereof? What did you do to try to resolve it and did that work?

I'm jealous of my friend's relationship.

Anonymous — Mon, 03 May 2010 17:55:45 -0800

My long-time single friend finally has a boyfriend. I'm jealous. How should I deal with that? I'm a straight guy. My friend, A, is a straight girl. We have been good friends for several years. We're not really attracted to each other--yes, you heard that right, we LIKE being in the "friend zone." We've both been unhappily single for most of that time: I was hopelessly in love with someone else, B; likewise, A was always into various guys who never liked her in return--she was always freaking out about the latest one, but, unlike me, she quickly moved on to liking someone new.

Since we're both very interested in trying to understand "human relations," we talked about both of those situations a lot, and we each made the other feel better about our problems. Knowing that we weren't going to date each other let us be honest, since we didn't have to make ourselves seem better than we were. I think the relationship I have with A is unique, not something I could re-create with someone else even over many years. Maybe I feel a certain attachment to her that I might not feel if we were the same gender, but it's really not real romantic/sexual attraction.

Unlike me, A is very focused on the short term: she gets totally wrapped up in her present situation, thinking it will never change. She can never really take anything seriously when she's happy, and when something bad happens, she's all doom and gloom and thinks nothing will ever be good again. She likes to talk to me more when she's unhappy because I reassure her, but less when she's happy because I can't get wrapped up in it in the same way.

This has been a problem in the past: when I was especially miserable due to B, A became really happy because she got her first boyfriend ever (we're that young; it was really late). She had been making me feel better, but when this happened she started to ignore me, which made it more painful. But when guy quickly dumped her, she was miserable too, and she wanted to be my friend again. I did mention that I had been unhappy about her ignoring me, but of course I had to swallow my resentment, and we went back to how we always were. I realize this is a bad thing about A, but I like her despite that.

Now, finally, A has met a guy who likes her back (and I think he's pretty good too). I want A to be happy, but I'm starting to see a repeat of the situation before--now that she has this guy, she'll have no more use for me in the foreseeable future. We live in different cities now, so drifting apart is easy, but so far we still talk/write.

I know it's unfair for me to be anything less than overjoyed for her. I know this is my problem, and I have to suck it up. So far I've been doing that. But I'll miss her, and I'll be lonely.

What should I do? I could tell her how I feel, but I don't know if it would even sink in, and I'm not sure what purpose that would serve anyway. I could try not communicating with her, at least for a while, but I don't know if that would make me feel better or worse. Of course, I could try dating someone too, but that's not going to happen right away, and I think I would still miss A just as much.

I'd appreciate advice both on what to say (if anything) and on how to deal with it mentally.

In case of anonymous responses: ohnojealousy@gmail.com.

Wait, you know her from... where?!

Anonymous — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 21:57:54 -0800

RelationshipFilter: A girl I've never met is spending a few days at my boyfriend's house. Am I overreacting, given the circumstances? (long-ish) Background: My boyfriend Greg and I are both from Sacramento, but I'm finishing up my last year of college in Texas. Greg is an old family friend who is a few years older than me (he's 26, I'm 22), and we started dating when I was visiting my parents over the summer in 2008 (~16 months ago). Thus our relationship has mostly been long-distance, but I'm planning on returning to Sac-Town and moving in with Greg after I graduate. In the meantime, we take turns visiting each other every month or two. When we're not together, we talk on Skype almost every night.

When we were skyping a few nights ago, Greg mentioned that his friend Lindsay will be in town for 4 days next week, and asked if I was okay with the idea of Lindsay staying at his house. I said yes, because Greg has never given me a reason not to trust him, but I did admit that it made me feel slightly uneasy/jealous. I had never heard anything about Lindsay before, so I figured she was probably an old friend from high school who needed a place to crash while visiting friends or job-hunting or something.

Last night, I asked a few more questions (what day Lindsay was arriving, how long they'd known each other, etc) and I learned that Lindsay is Greg's online friend from Boston. They've been talking for a few years, but they've never met in person before. Lindsay doesn't have any particular reason to be in Sacramento... in fact, the entire purpose of her visit is meeting/hanging out with my boyfriend, going to a concert together, sightseeing, etc.

I don't think that Greg is planning to cheat, or anything like that. But now that I know the whole story, I find the situation very odd, and I'm definitely not totally okay with it. It bothers me that Greg didn't explain the circumstances of the visit when he first brought it up, and I'm super uncomfortable with the idea of him spending every waking minute with a girl he's never met before. It just doesn't seem completely appropriate, given that he's in a monogamous long-term relationship. I've brought all this up with a couple of my friends, and there seems to be an interesting gender divide... my male friends don't think I have anything to worry about, while my girlfriends agree with me that it seems a little fishy.

I don't want to make a big deal about this if it turns out I'm being paranoid, especially since it's probably too late for Lindsay to alter her travel plans without losing a ton of money. So... am I being paranoid? Or am I being too trusting/naive? What's the best way for me to deal with my unease about this whole situation?

Girlfriend still on OKCupid

Anonymous — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 13:40:22 -0800

We met on OKCupid and started dating. I deleted my profile... she didn't. What to do? Everything else in our relationship is going great. I guess I really don't expect her to delete it. She's changed her status on OKCupid to 'seeing someone' and is now only looking for 'new friends'. Still, something about it makes me uncomfortable - it is a dating site, after all.

I've tried to bring it up once or twice, with her reassuring me that she's only ever replied to two or three guys on the site, and I shouldn't be worried. But I am worried! Occasionally I peek at her profile discreetly. It seems like she logs on every few days, and her page says "Replies Often". From what I hear, attractive girls get messages a lot, so this doesn't seem to jibe with the "hardly ever replying" thing.

I've always thought the whole "oh, i'm just on OKCupid for the quizzes/for fun" thing was just a clever way to make people uncomfortable with dating sites be able to excuse themselves for being on a dating site.

I'm trying not to go crazy-jealous-boyfriend here... but do I have a reason to be? I trust her and want to believe her. Maybe she's telling the truth and OKCupid's "how often user X replies" indicator is broken? I know most of the answers to this will be 'talk to her about it', but I've tried!

Neighbor dating drama conundrum!

Anonymous — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 05:06:14 -0800

All's fair in love and war? A guy I am dating has pitted me against my neighbor, do I ditch him? So I met this great guy and we really hit it off, you know all that sort of stuff. I felt a lot of chemistry with him and I was so happy that I had met someone who enjoying doing the same things I do. Problem was that when we started dating I was going away for some time. When I left he said he would miss me, but we didn't really ever talk about exclusivity because it had only been a week.

We live in a strange little place out in the country with about 500 other students. It's kind of isolated and drama is admittedly rampant. Apparently, while I was gone he had a little fling (involving sex, of course) with a next door neighbor (I have about 16 of those) while I was gone. He made it clear to her that it wasn't serious, but she developed feelings for him and when he told her that he couldn't see her anymore because he wanted something serious with me, she was pretty angry. He claims that he always made it clear that this was a fling, but she thinks he lead her on.

This neighbor and I aren't really friends, but we have some common friends and they all tell me to not resume dating him even though before this incident some of them told me that we were perfect for each other. On one hand I think it's pretty sleazy to date my neighbor while I'm gone, but on the other this place is pretty weird and I and many other victims/residents here have done similarly sleazy things that we wouldn't normally do because it's a little crazy here. Also, we didn't have an commitment when I left and well...everyone is a neighbor here.

I really like this guy and he now wants to be exclusive. We had also planned a trip and everything is all booked...and I was really excited because there is so much we wanted to do together that my past boyfriends never would have done. And while this group of girlfriends is nice, I haven't been friends for them very long and during this time they haven't really had my back (left me alone after I drank heavily, etc.), so I'm not sure I want to sacrifice a potentially good relationship for them. Both this guy and I come from a different country and we are going back there in four months.

Ack, I'm really torn about this because I know this place is insane and makes people do crazy things, but I'm also a little worried about what this says about his character. Should I tell him I can't date him anymore?