Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with custody

Should I submit to efforts to change the custody arrangement for my 12-year old daughter?

Anonymous — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 11:31:32 -0800

Daughter claims to want to go live with Dad. I'm worried that resisting this change will hurt our relationship and cause her to want to be with Dad even more. Or should I fight for what I believe is in her best interest? It's been 7 years since the divorce and throughout that time I've been the custodial parent. Ex moved out-of-state 3 years ago with his new wife and together they have 2 little ones. Daughter spends school breaks with Ex, including 6-7 weeks in the summer.

I think it’s in Daughter’s best interest to stay with me. She attends an excellent school, we have a strong circle of friends, she plays sports and takes piano lessons, my parents (in their 80s) live here and see her a couple times each month. We have a great relationship, and (while some will find fault in this) I have built my life around her.

Ex also has a lot to offer – his home is far nicer than my home. He lives in a beautiful rural area, while I live in an overcrowded urban area. Most importantly, living with him would give Daughter a chance to spend more time with her baby sisters. But during the summer visits, he’s made no effort to engage Daughter in community activities, other than occasional trips to the library. I’ve recommended various enrichment programs, and even went on-line to research inexpensive community programs in his area, but he argued that such classes would take away from the time he gets to spend with her. That might be a good argument, if true, but according to our daughter she feels ignored and isolated when visiting dad – he shows little interest in her interests and she is left alone to entertain herself or to babysit for hours at a time.

A few months ago, I emailed Ex to suggest that we both put out extra effort to communicate with and praise Daughter. He took offense and blamed me for any insecurity Daughter might feel, however, he apparently implemented some of my suggestions. Daughter returned from her latest visit gushing about how much her Dad had changed – he took her on 1:1 outings and even asked for her opinion.

Also during her last visit, Ex began a campaign to encourage Daughter to live with him, which included taking her for a tour of the school she would attend (it’s a beautiful new school, totally state of the art). He laid a guilt trip on her about how the current arrangement is unfair to him and that now it should be his turn to have her. He hasn’t broached the subject with me – he put it on Daughter to argue the point with me. So she asked me to allow her to move and stated her agreement with Dad’s suggestion. As she explained it to me, “it’s only fair.” When I countered with “her best interest” she claimed that he has changed.

I think it’s also relevant to share that Ex has expressed resentment about child support – he argues that it's incentive for a woman to give up on her marriage (trust me, I didn’t need any incentives, our marriage had major problems). Child support has been inconsistent since he moved, and he didn’t pay any support for most of the past year, but he recently began to pay back what he owed. I believe part of his objective for having Daughter live with him is to end his obligation to pay child support. Of course, I can’t prove this. And, of course, I won’t tell Daughter about the lack of child support.

It’s possible that he’ll be a great dad, but my experience and my gut tell me that’s unlikely. I have confidence that any judge would rule in my favor, but if I take that route, I suspect Daughter will resent me.

Sorry for the long message; I edited out as much as I could! I really could use some objective input, just please be kind.

Who would you give guardianship to?

Anonymous — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 08:29:02 -0800

Guardianship of minor child. Who would you list? Doing our wills. Who would you list as guardian? Our child is a year old. Here are the profiles of the two options, please forgive me for simplifying their lives in such a way:

Mother's sister:
Early 30s, in a committed lesbian relationship of 2 years (girlfriend is 35ish), owns small 2 bedroom home in a large liberal city. 2 cats, 1 dog.
Pros: Shares social values with child's mother and father. Would put forth tremendous effort to be a good parent (as would her partner, who works with children professionally).
Cons: Does not value education (our attitude: spend as much as possible for good education, provide enriching experiences whenever possible), health (our attitude: exercise and eating well are priorities), global view (our attitude: travel a lot) and political awareness (our attitude: news junkies, politically active) that mother and father do, but isn't on the opposite side of the spectrum - just doesn't value these things as highly as well do.
Somewhat financial irresponsible (not losing her home, but not saving either and has debt). And financially they're not moving up in the world either. She has a steady middle management job. Will probably move up a little in her career, to the best of my knowledge. Her significant other works in the non-profit world and won't likely ever make a lot of money.
They love their adult life. They go out a lot, buy "toys" and have admitted that although they want kids, that'll be hard for them to give up.

Father's sister:
Early 30s. Married to a ~45 year old man from a different culture (this matters). 2 kids: 4 years old and infant. Owns home in huge metropolitan city. Works at an intense job with 12 hour days. Husband does not work. Uses combination of nanny and pre-school for childcare.
Pros: Very financially stable. Smart about saving and limited debt. Also has similar values to us in terms of educational goals, political awareness. She's great overall.
Cons: We don't like husband. He doesn't speak English, which is a barrier for us (and our child). He doesn't work, isn't involved with the children and is just all around bad news. Also her work schedule is tough with 2 kids, much less 3. I wouldn't want to only see my kids for an hour or so at the ends of the day and on weekends, personally and I don't know how she does it.

So, it comes down to a question of financial stability, really. Is jerky husband's jerkiness tolerable considering their financial stability and the fact that they already have kids (I think that going from 2 to 3 would be easier than going from 0 to 1)?

Also, I know that really, the chance of us both perishing in a freak accident is slim, but I think that this would make me feel better.

How do I cope and have best outcome for son in viscious custody battle?

Anonymous — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 09:38:37 -0800

Horrible custody battle about to begin. How do I cope and have the best outcome for my son? I'm shaking at I type this...my husband and I have been fighting for 10 months straight since my son came home. Im' not sure if it's just general stress, post partum anxiety, etc. but we just immediately hated each other. Divorce has been thrown around on and off by both of us but each time it's mentioned, my husband threatens to take my son away from me. Now he's saving emails and being clear of "well I"m not taking him away from you but no man will raise my son and you can have him on weekends."

This guy can't afford his own place, healthcare, etc. (I make double). He's using my mental state against me as ammunition. I'm at an unreasonably high stress level with the new baby (possibly post partum anxiety), my husband always picking a fight with me, and my mother has 3 months or less to live and I am in charge of her final plans. I've been in therapy on and off and currently since May. We've been in marriage therapy but it's to no avail. He refuses individual therapy for himself. He's on Cymbalta for anxiety/sleep issues I need to go on something because I'm ready to crack.

It tears me up and disgusts me that he is always saying I won't have our son. I'm scared of his threats. A lawyer told me that it won't happen, that the courts will decide. But that leaves it open to chance and I'm terrified. My son is my world. For my husband he's obviously someone to use against me to hurt me. It's sick.

I want to make sure that this process doesn't hurt our son but the way my husband wants to play it's going to and I don't know what to do? My therapist said don't divorce now because of my mom but I can't take the threats and the fighting anymore.
I'm at work now crying my eyes out at my desk because I'm so scared.

Child Custody in Florida

3dd — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 07:23:37 -0800

A friend of a friend wants to get custody of his kids but has no money to hire an attorney. He is trying to find an organization willing to help him out pro-bono. Does anyone knows any of this organizations? The children live in Florida.
I'm clueless. Thanks!

My ex-wife's boyfriend wants to try to claim my son on his taxes... is this legal?

MMALR — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 13:15:57 -0800

My ex-wife's boyfriend wants to try to claim my son on his taxes... is this legal? Here's the situation, and I've read over the IRS site, but I'm a bit confused.

I have joint custody of my two year old son. We have agreed to alternate years in which we can claim our son on our taxes, so I claimed him in 2008 while she will do so in 2009.

As far as residency, she's the custodial parent and I'm the non-custodial parent, but I have him 50% of the time exactly. Equal time for both of us. I pay the same expenses, 50% of the child care, and 50% of his medical insurance on her plan.

Is it legal for him to actually claim my son during her alternate year in order to receive a bigger payoff because he makes less money?

From the reading at the IRS site, she would have to be married to him in order for my son to pass the Relationship Test.

Someone reassure me that I will indeed get joint custody....

Anonymous — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 11:15:20 -0800

Someone reassure me that I will indeed get joint custody.... I divorced in late 2004; I have weekend/holiday visitation and joint legal custody with my two school-aged children thanks to a 2005 court order; nowadays Mom lives an hour away. Recently, my fiancee and I decided to buy a home and move closer to the kids in order to increase our visitation (I'm looking for a 50/50 split). In the latest petition for modification dated May of this year, I stated that the closing on our new home was expected to be around June 30th. Well, my trial was today (July 20th)...and we're not in the house yet. We have the commitment letter, but no closing date. The Judge was EXTREMELY amenable and helped both parties along (we're both Pro Se); we had an hour long trial, many issues were commented on and explained, etc. (To clarify...neither of us are felons, child abusers, etc. In fact, we're both certified Foster Parents. She seems to be bitter, and never agrees to mediation, however; hence the court appearance.)Essentially, nothing major happened....until closing statements. the Law Guardian, who was relatively quiet until this time, decided to comment that since we haven't actually moved yet, there's not a change of circumstances and therefore the petition should be dismissed. The Judge, after some gentle leading, decided to dismiss my case without prejudice; and commented that I can refile when I've moved in the new house, and then get a temporary order until my new trial date. All in all, I felt certain that I did well, but now I'm a nervous wreck because I expected to have the order amended today.
How do I prove to the court that a 50/50 split between parents is in the best interests of my children? Did simply moving closer clinch it? Would a (seemingly) sympathetic Judge agree in principle, but be forbidden to grant the change based on some legal precedent I'm not aware of?
I'm just looking for someone who may have had something like this happen to them to give me a pat on the back and say "it'll be alright." If you can, thanks.

Need an excellent co-parenting book.

ian1977 — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 08:53:56 -0800

What are some excellent co-parenting books? I am looking for an excellent coparenting book. One that is positive and upbeat...filled with strategies, advice and inspiration for effective coparenting. Ideally something that both parties could read simultaneously. What I don't want is one that is centered on the nasty side of divorce and the divorce process. A touchy feelgood coparenting book for divorced bohemian types. :-P

Thanks!

Do I move my kids from their dad?

dzaz — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 04:21:51 -0800

Would my three kids (17, 15, 10) be happier if we left the same town their dad lives in? I can't figure out if I'm allowing prolonged damage to my kids by letting them stay here because their dad is down the road but NEVER wants to see them. And where he lives bothers them (more later). Despite typical visitation rights, he hasn't had them for a sleepover or vacation for over 3 years; he instead takes them out for pizza once a week. He has missed birthdays, Christmas, baseball games, just in general he doesn't participate in their lives.

But it's WHERE he lives that is causing them a lot of pain: Immediately after he moved out, we discovered that he moved in with our daughter's best friend's mom and her 2 kids (same ages as 2 of my kids). He has promised my kids that they'll never marry (which to some extent confuses them...why is he living with a divorced mom and her teenage daughters without getting married...).

So he lives literally down the road with another family. My kids have been invited over once in 3 years: a birthday party for dad and our 17 year old's joint birthdays; there was one cake and had only Dad's name on it. It sucked.

What's also odd is his attitude to me demonstrated in front of the kids. When he comes to pick them up, he either texts or honks but rarely gets out of the car. If he has to come in (my son wants to show him his drum kit, for example), he completely ignores me.

What makes it especially weird for my 2 eldest daughters is that because it's a small town and because of Facebook postings, they know everything their dad is doing (he went to Florida with them for Christmas, took the eldest on a college tour, etc.). But their dad shows no interest in seeing them other than weekly pizza (and he often cancels that).

How ultimately damaging is this for kids to have an uninterested dad who shows more interest in his new family?

The last complicating factor is my third child, a 10 year old boy who was diagnosed with OCD years ago. My son will try to reach out to his dad to hang out and perhaps once in 10 times his dad will say yes, so they'll go out for about 1/2 hour. Otherwise, it's these phone messages that break my heart begging his dad to call him back or even worse, him trying to leave a chipper message to hang out if dad has no other plans.

So should I just get the heck out of here? How much damage am I allowing by letting my kids continue to grow up in the town of their birth, where all their friends are (and we have a house, I have a solid job and excellent schools), but with a completely uninterested father?

What else could I do? I've been trying for years to very politely suggest he spend more time with the kids but he just doesn't. The kids will say, "Well, that's just how Dad is..." and the older ones don't contact him at all. Am I overworried?

I spoke with my divorce lawyer about getting full custody and she said while he's in contempt of the court order for visitation, unless I can prove abuse/negligence, I won't get it.

How do I help my kids? I got them away from living in the same house as their dad, but his negative influence lingers.

All replies are welcome.

Who's dog is it?

Anonymous — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 18:09:33 -0800

Does anyone know Canadian laws on dog ownership post-relationship breakup? My girlfriend and I recently broke up after a few years. We did not live together and our dog has always lived with me. I (and I alone) have always taken the dog to work each day, bought her food, taken her to the vet, etc. The ex's spite is overtaking her judgement of what is best for the dog. We have shared 'custody' whereby I have the dog all week and I drop her off on weekends to live with the ex.

I don't particularly enjoy the set up as it means the ex and I still have to interact, but I feel her relationship with the dog is important for the dog.

Having said all that, when we initially got her, the ex was put down as the 'owner' and the dog is registered to her. She has recently made some veiled threats and I am concerned she is considering not returning the dog to me one of these weekends. This kills me not only because of what I'd be losing, but the fact that she'd be crated all day while the ex is at work.

Does anyone know what recourse I have should this occur?

Five year old favoring dad's GF over me (natural mom)

cdg7707 — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 14:09:57 -0800

How to deal with five year old daughter showing preference for dad & dad's girlfriend over me? Today was my daughter's kindergarten "graduation". After the events were finished and people were basically socializing, it became glaringly obvious that my daughter wanted nothing to do with me. I tried to give her a hug and kiss and she deliberately pulled away from me and ran to stand by my ex-husband and his live in girlfriend. She was holding the gf's hand and hugging them while I stood there and watched. She didn't even give me a glance. It took every ounce of self control to not burst into tears.

My ex-husband and I have been divorced since our daughter was 18 months old. As far as I know, we have a very good relationship. Very rarely do we argue or disagree about things and certainly never in front of our daughter. I like his girlfriend and there have not been any problems that I'm aware of. My ex and I have both joint physical custody and joint legal custody. She splits her time equally between our homes (well, I have her probably 55% of the time and he 45%.... whatever, semantics). When we went through the divorce I agreed to joint physical and joint legal because, well, he is a good father, is very involved with her, and has every right to spend time with her just as I do.

I'm looking for other's words of advice, observations, experience, etc. as to why my daughter acted like this. She's done it a couple of other times but not every time. When she's with me she is very much a "mama's girl" and wants to be with me, doing whatever I'm doing, all of the time.

Is this just a normal variant due to the fact there were a lot of people, maybe she was uncomfortable (she can be shy)? She did stay with her father last night, so maybe it's a transitional issue? Is it just a case of a "kid being a kid"? Am I not giving her enough attention or something?

Should I be concerned about the possibility of them (ex and gf) attempting to alienate her from me? I would hope to god he would have more class than that but on occasion when we have fought he has threatened to take me to court to get full custody of her..... on what grounds I have no idea, considering I don't smoke, drink, have never done drugs, am gainfully employed, nice house, never been in trouble with the police, haven't abandoned her, no abuse, etc. And I'm NOT suggesting that people who smoke, drink, et al are not good parents so please don't infer that. I was simply listing things that I've heard other people try to use as grounds for getting custody. Anyway, another thing that makes me question this possibility is I found out on her school registration form that he filled out, he put himself as the custodial parent and me as the non-custodial parent which isn't factual at all. If I had filled out the form I would've made it glaringly clear that he and I both had physical and legal custody. He also listed his gf's name as the 2nd emergency contact and me 3rd.

Anyway, I know I have NEVER, EVER put her in a position of choosing me over daddy. NEVER. I've never bad mouthed him to her. I've never denied him from seeing her. There isn't any tension between he and I that I'm aware of. I don't trust him 100% but I keep that to myself.

She is my only child and I love her more than words could possibly express. Hopefully you guys can maybe ease my mind because I'm not going to tell my five year old that she hurt my feelings or try to have her explain her behavior because I think she is too young to articulate why she did something, aka "I don't know."

Thanks for any and all advice!

Custody battles when only living parent is a released convict

np312 — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 11:46:21 -0800

Hypothetical child custody question about when the only living parent goes to jail. How hard is it for the convicted parent to regain custody of their child upon their release? I'm writing a story in which the father of a 16 year old girl has been in jail for 10 years for a theft-related crime. The convict's father (the girl's grandfather) has taken care of the girl the past ten years while the father was in jail, and considers himself her legal guardian still, and doesn't want to give her up to his son now that he's free, or even allow visiting rights. How hard would it be for the father to regain custody of his child once he's out of jail, especially if the girl's grandfather decided to fight it? Does the child have any say in the eyes of the law?

Since this is a fiction piece, feel free to suggest conditions under which it might make the father's case stronger to get his girl back, ie if there is a difference between making someone a temporary guardian as opposed to a permanent one, special conditions for non-violent criminals, custody vs guardianship etc. I am not a lawyer so know nothing of these matters.

Thanks!

Rights of a 12-Year-Old Boy

king walnut — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 08:07:06 -0800

Can a 12-year-old refuse to see his own father? My wife's son is afraid of his father, who has what we'll call an anger-management problem. There's never been any lasting damage, but he's verbally threatening and sometimes does the neck throttling thing like Homer does to Bart. There's also some slamming against walls.

Eventual physical abuse is almost certain in our opinion. We'd go for full custody but nothing terrible has happened yet, and the guy is actually a good father in many ways, providing well and not neglectful.

The son does not want to see his father right now, even though the legal arrangement calls for shared custody.

Does a 12-year-old have enough "rights" to refuse to see his father? This is Texas, if that matters.

Help a father BE a father

Anonymous — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 20:35:52 -0800

[YANML Filter] How can my boyfriend navigate his way out of a terrible child custody situation? You are not my lawyer, a lawyer, nor anyone I might someday hold accountable for your response. However, do you have advice that can help my boyfriend and I?

My (live-in) boyfriend has been in a nightmare of a custody battle with his ex-wife for numerous years. After a deferred assault charge (6 years ago) and several (unfounded, by CPS) abuse claims on her part, his bimonthly visitation was first suspended, then renewed, with supervision required. Although much of this looks bad at first, all claims and causes have been the unfortunate result of needless litigation on the part of the mother to gain her way and to exclude and eventually rid my boyfriend of his parental rights.

Last Sept, she filed for contempt for his use of a derogatory term (b*tch) in reference to her in an email, and claimed that his parents, the supervisors, were not adequate, for petty, otherwise non-noteworthy claims (accidental use of dairy instead of soy for lactose intolerant child, child broke glasses and could not wear them during custodial weekend). She continues to claim wrongful abuse on the basis of aggressive behavior by children and coached claims (on her part) made by preschool-aged children. The judge determined that, because of his history, he would not "learn his lesson" without the visitation being changed to be professional, court approved.

In the last 9 months, however, my boyfriend has made a serious attempt to change his behavior, his life, and to come in compliance with court orders, realizing that he cannot fight with his ex-wife to the detriment of his children, no matter how frustrating her behavior. He has gone off disability (for depression) and has a modest paying full-time job, is currently fulfilling court requirements for counseling and anger management courses, and is seeking out fathers' support groups and parenting classes. Additionally, he has been paying the minimum child support requirement regularly.

Unfortunately, he cannot afford legal representation nor professional visitation services. Any attempts to maintain a relationship with the children (4 & 6 years old) are barred by the mother. She does not answer his regular phone calls, claiming that she asks the children and they do not want to talk, and only very rarely does she have the children return his calls (averages once every 2 months). She does not respond to email requests for pictures, clothing sizes, address to send gifts, but emails with the clear intention of establishing a pattern of no contact between him and the children (though twisting facts and statements) later in court. She has multiple attorneys, and again, he cannot afford representation. His former attorney retired, leaving him without representation.

He has a court date in Sept, which is when the temporary custody requirements (professionally supervised) are to be reviewed, and when contempt charges can be purged. How can he make sure that he can again have visitation, without supervision? What should our next steps be? How can we find representation at little to no cost?

Again, no evidence of abuse or neglect has ever been found by CPS investigations. If there is neglect, it is on the part of the mother, not the father. This case is a classic example of bitter ex-wives syndrome. My boyfriend desperately wants to see his children and to have a relationship with them. He fears for their well-being and what damage this unnecessary litigation may cause to their development.

Additionally, we would love to one day have full custody of the children. She has a history of infidelity and mental illness and also has twin girls with her current husband (as well as his daughter from a previous relationship living with her), and we fear for the childrens' healthy development. How can we get to this point?

Emails can be directed to seehischildren@gmail.com

your baby mama is a crack head

kerfuffled — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 17:22:53 -0800

My boyfriend's son's mom accidentally left her cellphone in my boyfriend's car this afternoon. He looked through it and found text messages about her buying and selling drugs. So... now what? I know it was a bit shitty to go through her phone, but he's suspected that she's been on drugs for some time, and now those suspicions have been confirmed. None of the text messages mention the specific drug. He thinks it's meth based on her history, but maybe it could just be pot, which wouldn't be as big of a deal. Based on the times of the text messages, she doesn't seem to be doing anything when their son is with her.

So, what now?

He's torn between confronting her, or saving evidence of this for some time in the possible future when he tries to get custody of his son. But neither of us can think of a way of confronting her that will not lead to a lot of really ugly drama (refusing to let him see their son or moving far away or something equally insane), and neither of us know how to save the text messages for 'evidence' after he returns her phone.

Help!

You have the right to an attorney

not that girl — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 18:03:14 -0800

Tell me more about publicly-funded attorneys in non-criminal cases. I asked this question a couple of weeks ago, and learned a lot from it. I've never been involved in the legal system before, and while I'm obviously concerned about our own case and its outcome, my intellectual curiosity is also engaged--it's got me reading law textbooks and stuff like that.
Now I'm curious again, and if I ask my lawyer to explain all this to me, it costs me money. I want to be clear I'm not asking for information or predictions about our own situation; I'm honestly interested in the process.
Short version is that we have a pending adoption of a baby girl. We've had legal custody since August. A putative father has come forward and is seeking to contest the adoption. The court has agreed to appoint him a lawyer, but right now nothing has been able to move forward because the court hasn't been able to find a lawyer who is willing to take the case. A hearing that was supposed to happen Nov. 19 has been postponed until some unspecified future date because of this, for instance.
As I understand it, publicly-funded attorneys in this kind of case are just regular practicing attorneys who've agreed to be on a list, and when they're offered a case, they can turn it down. So far, they've all turned down this one, and it makes me curious about things like:

When an attorney is offered this kind of case, how much information is provided? I read somewhere that about 80% of lawyers in custody and child support cases are publicly-funded, and I wonder whether the lawyer is told something general like, "Hey, it's a custody case," or are they given more details than that?

What kinds of criteria might an attorney use? I'm assuming that mundane things like case load would carry weight; maybe these attorneys allocate a certain percentage of their practice to such things. But do attorneys know enough to make a decision on the merit of the case? Are attorneys more willing to take a case that seems to them to have merit, or is that less relevant than serving the need of people in court to have competent counsel?

What kinds of fees do lawyers get for this kind of work? Is it generally less than they make in other cases? By a large amount?

Finally, if an attorney who is willing to take such a case can't be found, what recourse does the court have? If someone is entitled to an attorney, they're entitled to an attorney. Does the court have a method of compelling service at some point?

Our case is in Illinois, for what that's worth, but I'm really really not fishing for info about our case, and I'd be happy to hear general ideas about this practice from any jurisdiction.
It turns out the law and its practice are kind of fascinating. No wonder so many people are going to law school all the time.

In-laws losing grandkids. How do I help?

Anonymous — Tue, 09 Oct 2007 09:10:12 -0800

My in-laws are about to lose their grandchildren. How do I help them? A quick family tree: my in-laws are my husband's mother and stepfather. The grandchildren are my stepsister-in-law's kids. Stepsister-in-law and her husband are divorced.

Attempt to distill years of drama into a few (admittedly and possibly biased) paragraphs: Stepsister-in-law has basically decided she is a lesbian and given up any claim or responsibility to the kids. Her ex-husband has primary custody of the children, but does fuck-all to take care of them. He is also partially disabled due to some sort of injury and has some sort of unspecified mental problems. My in-laws have been stepping in to provide financially for the children and to take care of them when he has been unable or unwilling to--to the point where he would have been cited for neglect if they hadn't done so. They've been the only positive stable influence on these kids, as far as I can tell. They expanded and remodeled their house to allow the kids and ex-husband to live with them, and spent a lot of money they probably shouldn't have to make this happen. It was intended that they would get this money back from ex-husband when he sold his condo, something he agreed to repeatedly and was given multiple chances to back out of.

Ex-husband now wants to move to another state far away from Alaska (I guess they're all far), where they all are now. He says it's to be with his parents, who are horrid cold people who want nothing to do with the grandchildren, and it is suspected they moved so far away so they wouldn't have to deal with him or the grandchildren. All the lawyers my in-laws have consulted (four, at this point) have said it is more or less impossible to get custody if ex-husband refuses to give it up, which he will not. Visiting will be rare and next to impossible due to distance, if they can even get it granted. They are absolutely devastated emotionally and financially (the house might go into foreclosure) and it breaks my heart to see them and my husband so distressed. What can I do? *Is* there anything I can do? If you would like to email, direct it to 9nk4eqi02@sneakemail.com.

Finding a therapist for a 4-year-old.

kamikazegopher — Tue, 14 Aug 2007 11:13:09 -0800

Help my friend find a mental health professional for her 4-year-old in Los Angeles. My friend is recently divorced from her husband. Said husband is using the child to manipulate my friend. Obviously, this is having detrimental effects for the child. My friend would like to find a mental health professional that would be willing to testify to the effects of his behavior. We are located in the Glendale/Burbank area, but she would be willing to travel to find someone who would be willing to go to court for the custody hearings.

IANAL Divorcefilter (please hope me)

Anonymous — Mon, 06 Aug 2007 19:17:36 -0800

My marriage of ~10yrs is on the ropes. My wife is suing for divorce, and (among other less important things) wants full custody of our beautiful youngsters (ages >4 and <10). There's more inside, but here are my specific questions: 1) I have reason to believe she is having an affair. Does her alleged adultery, if proven, give me any leverage with regards to custody? 2) What other ethical ways are there to ensure I at least get joint physical and legal custodianship? Just so you understand: I still love her, and although we've had issues I'm willing to admit my shortcomings, share blame, and do anything/everything to keep our family together. I've told her this, repeatedly begging and pleading. The shock of this has taken all of the fight out of me. She refuses counseling, leaves for extended weekends, and is breaking my heart and our family to pieces. We live in the great state of Oklahoma (the original no fault divorce state).

There is no reason to deny custody to me as I am a devoted, loving Dad. She changed the locks to our home on the day I was served, and claims she will file a protective order if I go anywhere near it. Even though there are no grounds for the protective order, and she would have to lie to get one, my lawyer says it would look bad to press the access issue.

My wife has our children, but she lets them call often. She lets me have them sparingly, but dangles them in front of me and lets me take them only when it is convenient for her. She then leaves for days at a time without calling them, returning their calls, or telling us where she is going (I assume to rendezvous with her new flame). She was disappearing and shirking our shared financial obligations for some time prior to serving me. This is the main reason for our arguments. The arguments and "incompatability" are her reasons for wanting the divorce. We make about the same amount of money, but I have historically covered 60-70% of our expenses along with the lion's share of cooking, grocery shopping and home care.

Thank gods, the young ones seem to be handling this alright. We sat down with them to discuss why/what is happening. After being served, we are always civil in their presence. She and they seem as vibrant and happy as ever, but this is tearing me apart at the core. Even though over the last year we had started arguing lately regarding finances (to my shame, in front of the children occasionally) I_still_love_my_wife. Even more, I_LOVE_MY_CHILDREN, and I can't imagine living without them, in my life full -time.

I'm a regular MeFite (mostly lurk) and I need/value your input and/or commiseration. However, since I'm using anonymous I cant reply to this thread. If you want more info you can reach me at lostinokc07@gmail.com. I might not answer unless you give me your MeFi handle and you have been on MeFi for awhile (because I know she hasn't and I don't want to errantly give up any ammo). Any and all comments, suggestions, or even (sigh) sympathy is greatly appreciated. This is my own personal WTC-I had no idea this was coming.

Thanks for your time guys. Though I have never seen you, I love you.

negotiating child-sharing

Anonymous — Mon, 06 Aug 2007 19:16:49 -0800

Custody question for someone with no (?) legal rights: My girlfriend and I both had kids when we met. We've been raising them as siblings for the last three years. They're still young enough that this is a significant percentage of their lives. Now we're breaking up and she's saying she doesn't want me to be with (her biological) kids. Since we're gay and never adopted each other's children, I'm assuming I have no legal rights. I've asked her to do mediation, and she's refusing. Because we're not talking at all, I'm not even sure exactly what she's imagining, but she has said (in an angry moment) she'll never let me see her kids again. For the record, she's not accusing me of being a bad parent or anything like that. As far as I can tell, she's mostly just angry and punishing me with the kids.

My question is somewhat about the legal issues here, but I understand that I need to speak to a lawyer on that. But the truth is, the idea of turning this into a legal battle is probably more awful than what's already happening. Mostly, I'm wishing for a way to persuade her to mediate this with a professional that will help us figure out together what is best for the kids. So maybe I'm more looking for pointers on the best way to negotiate with someone who is extremely angry and hurt. But any other ideas or thoughts are welcome.

Custody Rights in Oregon

haplesschild — Wed, 25 Jul 2007 17:26:36 -0800

How easy is it to obtain temporary full custody in Oregon? I'm asking for a friend, but I will try to give as much information as I can.

My friend's husband has a 6 year old from a previous marriage.

While we all had a suspicion that the environment at the ex-wife's house was less than ideal, this past weekend his ex wife hit bottom and we were told that she is checking her self into rehab for drug and alcohol treatment.

I'm not really sure how bad the situation was, or how much he was aware of before this week, but I know that she has been described as a chronic alcoholic, and all of the drama this week has included her admitting that she is broke due to spending her income on booze, and that she has threatened suicide. His focus is on making sure his daughter is safe while her mother gets the help she needs, but he is afraid of her showing up at the daycare and taking the girl, or any other circumstance before the ex-wife has gotten the help she needs to again be a parent.

Currently they have equal custody rights, with alternating weekends days and weekends.

He would like to have temporary full custody of his child- for at the very least a month.

Their main questions are:

Does he need a lawyer or is this something he can do on his own- and if he can do this on his own, where does he start?

Is this even a thing that can be done?

Are there any resources he can seek out in Oregon that deal with these circumstances? He lives in Clackamas County if that is relevant.

Thanks everyone- this is a sticky situation for all involved.

How to enforce custody agreement?

mistsandrain — Tue, 22 May 2007 11:58:04 -0800

My ex-husband has violated our month old custody agreement three times already... how can I enforce? It's somewhat complicated.... Here are the facts- not sure which are useful...

My ex-husband was abusive towards me a few years ago. This resulted in a police report but no arrest.

During the course of our separation and divorce he harassed me by phone- I have a voicemail record of him making threats. (He's not very bright.)

During the course of our separation and divorce he was verbally abusive and threatening towards me in front of our young son (5) during a visitation swap. (I have primary custody)

After this event, I drafted a protective order and my attorney forwarded a letter to his attorney stating that from that point on, I would no longer be interacting with him by phone and would maintain contact w/ regard to our son's logistics via email and text. The letter also stated that I would no longer do visitation swaps in places that were not safe for me (his threatening behavior occurred at a metro parking lot.) My attorney figured that this letter would be enough to stop the behaviors and that we would not need to proceed with an actual protective order. Neither he, nor his attorney, responded to this letter.

While this was going on, we managed to reach a separation agreement- you may ask "how on earth" but, basically, I stupidly figured his behaviors would cease once an agreement was in place and that he would follow it. I wanted to believe it, for our son's sake, if not for mine.

Meanwhile, he continues to only contact me by phone, ignoring my request that we communicate in writing only for the indefinite future (unless there is an emergency.)

My ex-husband has, thus far, taken my son out of town w/out telling me (it states in our agreement that we must inform eachother when we take our son out of town), he kept my son an extra night without telling me his whereabouts until the hour before he was due to bring him back to me (it states in our agreement that he is to return my son to me by a specific time after each scheduled visitation)

Most recently he returned my son to me two hours late with only last minute notification (by phone, of course) and when I did not respond positively, he cursed me loudly in front of our son (who was in the car with him.) I filed a missing person's report w/ the police. He is not aware of this.

So, I am tired of being bullied by this man. The attorney I had through this process has left the practice and I have been handed over to someone who- while VERY competent- is not as available as I need right now and he is also VERY expensive.

This is what I want: An explicit modification of our agreement that outlines consequences for breaches and harassment. In the meantime, I want to withhold visitation.
I want to tell him via email that I am stopping visitation until these issues are clearly resolved. I want to call the police if he attempts to remove my child from school or if he shows up at my door.

Is it within my rights to do this? I am primary custodian and we share legal custody.

Please help! BTW- our sep agreement is governed by the laws of Washington DC.

Can I keep this cat ?

Anonymous — Sat, 21 Apr 2007 16:42:16 -0800

I was given a cat to sit last August and since then the cat and I have got accustomed to each other. (My last cat before this one died over a year ago.) I told the original owner awhile back that I wanted to keep the cat and I thought that was where we left it. Now, the original owner wants the cat back and I don't want to give it up. I have kept this cat in food and kitty litter for nearly a year and we are quite bonded. It is an unlicensed cat and I live in Washington State, if that is of any help. My questions are these: Am I the legal owner now or what ? If I get a pet license, will that help ? Can this cat be taken from me against my will ?

How do I best get acquainted with my boyfriend's kids?

Anonymous — Sun, 14 Jan 2007 13:08:49 -0800

How do I best get acquainted, and develop a good relationship, with my boyfriends' kids? The initial question glosses over the important particulars, as initial questions often do. Oh gods of brevity, I meekly request your grace:

We've been dating long-distance on-and-off since June, but we've known each other for over two years, through work (He was, um, my boss at my college work-study job). Because of the awkward work situation, we didn't start dating (or even confess our feelings) till I'd almost graduated and wasn't working with him anymore.

Unfortunately, I was already pretty committed to moving halfway across the country at that point, and neither of us felt comfortable with me giving that up for a nascent relationship. So I went, and after some minor bumbling at first, we're still together and it's lovely and the more I learn about him, the luckier I feel.

But we know the long-distance thing won't work long-term, so I'm moving back to the area in a few weeks. I want to make sure I'm going about this as wisely and responsibly as possible.

Here's the practical breakdown: I'm 23, and this is my first serious relationship. He's 33 and divorced, with primary custody of his two children (9 and 7). He has a reasonably civil relationship with his ex-wife, who gets the kids every other weekend. He's a good dad who loves his children to death.

Our initial plan was to have me rent a small apartment in walking distance of his house, but the available ones are a bit out of my price range. Plan B is to have me look for a cheaper apartment farther away and spend the difference on buying a car, which I'll need at some point anyway. We toyed with the idea of me moving into his house but decided that'd be really hard on the kids.

I'll be moving away in six or seven months to start school, so we'll have to reassess the situation then. If we decide we're in this for the long haul, they might come with me. But we want to be absolutely sure before uprooting them like that (and risking things getting ugly with their mom - he's avoided a court battle till now because of how it might affect the kids, even though she's never paid child support.).

Basically, we're trying to tread carefully over these practical quagmires, and to that end, I'd like the input of the hive mind. From what he's told me, his kids seem lovely - brilliant, funny, mature, and well-adjusted. I never thought I'd end up with a guy who has children, but I've gotten used to, even excited about, the idea, and it's important to me that this be a positive experience for them. For what it's worth, I'm his second serious girlfriend since the divorce (which was 4-5 years ago), and they seemed to accept her a lot more readily than he worried they would.

So: how should I introduce myself into their lives? I guess I'm just looking for general advice, particularly from children of divorced parents, and those who have dated divorced parents. (As a side question, would it be a very bad idea to move in with them before we're engaged? I think I know the answer to that one, but I'll ask just in case I'm being overly cautious.) I'll possibly get a sock-puppet account to answer any questions, or e-mail jessamyn.

(oh, and we'd both want more children of our own, but since I'm going back to school, it wouldn't happen for several years.)

Inevitable(?) Divorce Filter

Anonymous — Wed, 03 Jan 2007 19:01:57 -0800

My wife has, um, picked and chosen which of her marriage vows she's going to keep to. I am facing probable divorce (initiated by me, I imagine). I need insight, maybe advice. There's a whole boatload So, yeah. I am 95% sure I am the cuckolded husband. I'm okay with the fact that I'm not really dealing with it emotionally yet. That'll come, whether I want it to or not.

Practicalities: I'm not rich by a long shot, but I have enough to pay the mortgage and keep food on the table. An expensive divorce is right out--I just don't have the resources.

There is a house in the mix. I've paid the mortgage for the majority of the 10 months we've lived here. Indeed, I pay most of the expenses (I make somewhat more money, so, natch). The disentangling of our lives generally is an astonishingly daunting proposition.

I'm worried about our son most of all. He's four, and just a fantastic kid all around. I want him to have this house to grow up in, not whatever his mom is able to find when I ask her to leave. I want to have primary custody. I work at a job where I have flexibility in my schedule, and my bosses are accommodating folks, and I have no doubt I could make it work. But I need to make a good case.

I also, in spite of my baser lizard-brain instincts, don't feel it entirely fair to blindside ~~the painted Jezebel~~ my wife with this. On the other hand, she has lied about this in myriad ways, repeatedly, for a good while now. If she had come clean, told me all, and sworn it would never happen again, I might...might...have considered trying to work it out. She hasn't. She's declined repeatedly in the past to seek out counseling (with me or alone) for some of her issues around relationships. (n.b.: I, on the other hand, am seeking counseling.)

Specific questions to which I'd appreciate some reponses: How to do this respectfully? How to brace myself emotionally? How to get my ducks in a row, financially and otherwise (in ways I probably don't anticipate)? How do I tell my family, and what should I tell them when? How to deal with my inlaws when they're no longer my inlaws (I mostly like them a lot.)? Is it supremely evil of me to be tempted to find cheating-wife's-paramour's-wife and tell her everything I know, and are there potentially adverse legal consequences thereof (I'm calm about this at the moment, but not a doormat.)? How to finally broach this with the one who deserves more contempt than I can muster at the moment (though that will change, I'm sure). Most importantly, how do I help my son understand that his mom told a very bad lie, and broke a very important promise, and can't live with daddy anymore?

I am reading relevant statues about divorce and legal separation in my state, and seeking advice from friends as well. Thanks, hivemind.

So, experientially-based advice most welcome. I also am aware that while you may well be an attorney, you are not my attorney; I will seek competent legal counsel when the time comes.

Where is my 12 YO sister?

mireille — Thu, 02 Nov 2006 02:47:10 -0800

Where is my sister ??? Any experience with an abucted sibling? Any experience with false claims of domestic violence with regards to shelters? My (now) 12 y.o. half-sister was abducted one year ago this month by her mother. They've gone underground and the mother has unjustifiably claimed domestic violence (despite the utter absence of violence and the fact that she never even lived with my father). I never thought it would last this long but the year anniverary is more or less upon us. They may have recently been kicked out of their most recent shelter-situation (perhaps even because the lie was uncovered) but because the various organizations do not have enough funding to share info with one another, the mother can easily bounce from charity to charity on this lie. What does one do? My father is the most sane, reasonable man ever (MENSA, even), but has no money to pursue it with ease, nor does anyone else in the family. As a result of the mother's actions, my father now has full custody of my sister (two minor details--1-- he doesn't know where she is, so custody is moot, and 2-- if he did have full custody of her, he would still make absolute certain that she had visitation with her mother and other siblings because he recognizes the importance). The mother is most likely paranoid schizophrenic (a diagnosis that was told to me by her sister but never repeated), but because she is so good at working the womens' help groups, will never be diagnosed as anything but a victim. The mother has already left behind three barely-grown sons who miss her very much. My father, my brother and I only want the very best (including a relationship with her mother) for our sister, but we don't want this. Any ideas???? I'm available for questions.