Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with crying

I'm such a crybaby! Is this okay??

sherber — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 20:22:07 -0800

Inspired by this old question about how guys react to girls crying... I want to know, how often do you cry? Is there an "average norm" for how often most people cry? I feel like I'm a fairly frequent crier. I go through crying spurts, probably related to stress and lack of sleep, where I cry more often than other times. Sometimes I will go weeks without crying, then it seems like suddenly I'll cry (sometimes every day!) for a short period of time before I'm suddenly just not quite as emotional. Most of the time it's stress, fear, or frustration that makes me cry.

I feel like the frequency of my crying is pretty abnormal, but I think some of this is just because in every relationship I've been in, the guy I'm with seems bewildered when I cry. Even the ladies in my family, who I'd consider really emotional people, don't cry very often (although I also don't see them all day every day, so there could be many times when they go off to shed a few tears and I wouldn't even know!) Growing up, I was told I was a crybaby often. I feel like this has become a part of my identity that I'm really insecure about, I feel really stupid every time I cry in front of someone.

Also, to be clear, by "crying" I don't necessarily mean sobbing, I just mean some tears and sniffles- usually enough to make your eyes look a little red or watery for a minute.

Crying Spells for Males

Anonymous — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 08:10:15 -0800

I'm a 29 year old male and I have crying spells. Advice? I don't really know who to see for this. A shrink?

But randomly I just break into tears from a sudden rush of depressing emotion coming from somewhere that lasts about 5 minutes. Is this a form on anxiety attack?

Common triggers are 'saved the day' moments while watching tv shows or anytime I get into an argument or heated discussion I have to walk away to a bathroom to 'let it out'.

In trying to describe the best way to explain how I feel, perhaps an uncontrollable feeling of empathy when observing certain situations in person or on tv, and/or being in a difficult situation myself, I have to excuse myself to cry it out.

I do have healthy romantic relationships, caring parents, great childhood, finishing my bachelors in college with a high GPA, and I work out 3-4 times a week. I have never been abused or anything like that. I do not take any medications.

I feel like most healthy males my age probably do not have this problem.

I'm thinking maybe my testosterone levels might be low? Could that be it?

So in conclusion:
1) Should I see a shrink?
2) Is this a form of anxiety attack?
3) Could it be a testosterone problem?

Thanks!

Crybaby

murrey — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 04:38:12 -0800

My 5 week old baby cries most of the time he is awake unless I keep moving him around or feeding him. I am at a loss...any suggestion for this weary mom? I have read other questions about babies who cry if you put them down. This is an unfortunate variation on that. He will cry when put down and stop momentarily if I pick him up. Problem is that after 20 seconds of being held, he will start crying until I move him to a new position in my arms. While the upright seated position seems to be his favorite position, he will quickly start crying in this position too unless I move him to another position on my lap.

It is really hard to hear him upset and would like for him to have some "enjoyable" awake time. I can occasionally get him to sit in the vibrating bouncy chair for 10 minutes without screaming, but this is not foolproof. I have ruled out hunger/dirty diaper/etc when this happens.

He actually sleeps at night and naps during the day fairly well (once we get him to sleep), but I am starting to dread when he is awake and the perpetual baby shifting routine.

Any thoughts or suggestions as to what is going on or what I can do to ake him happy/less fussy when awake (other than what I have been doing)?

How to get my baby to sleep all night?

zardoz — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 00:32:20 -0800

My five-month-old son has suddenly started crying in the middle of the night every hour or two, just as he did as a newborn. What gives? The boy is breastfed and has had no medical problems at all. For the first two or so months after he was born, he did the usual crying every two or three hours to be fed, and that pattern was day and night. At about the three month mark, though, he started sleeping longer and longer, and by five months was sleeping a full seven or 8 hours and waking up only once, or twice when his diaper was wet.

In the past week that seems to have suddenly changed. We always give him a bath around 8-8:30, and he's ususally asleep around 9-9:30. Now he'll sleep for a couple of hours and wake up and scream. And I mean scream. His eyes are open and looking around and he frankly looks terrified. My wife or I will cuddle and rock him for a while, and he'll go to sleep only to wake up an hour or two later with the same terrified screams. A few times we've taken him to the living room, turned on the lights because we think he might simply be attaining his first fear of the dark (the bedroom he's in is dark, but not completely; there are outside streetlights that keep the room in some ambient light, especially when your eyes adjust to the dark).

We've heard anecdotally that that's what this is, a new fear of the dark, maybe seeing monsters or whatever it is little babies can see/imagine. A friend told us that this went on with her kid for months. We've didn't expect sleepless nights to be completely over, but we also didn't imagine the little guy would revert back to his newborn crying. Any experience with this by you mefi parents?

I've read this thread and it's very helpful, but I was wondering if there's any more advice out there. Also, my son is at 5 months, much younger than the other babies discussed, who all seem to be around 8 months to 1 year old. Why would he start this so soon?

Girlfriend emotionally damaged by previous relationship?

Anonymous — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 10:16:37 -0800

My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for a couple of years now. We love each other, and have a lot of fun doing things (even hard work) together. When it comes to sex, though, she seems to have inherited a lot of hangups from a previous, long-term relationship. Her previous mate was apparently obsessed with getting her off, and would insist on performing oral sex on her for ridiculous lengths of time rather than admit defeat. She can make herself cum pretty readily using her fingers, and I've been able to do it the same way once or twice, but she always seems to get upset when I do. She always thanks me fairly formally for getting her off, and often has tears in her eyes. I love going down on her, but it seems to do nothing much for her; in fact, sometimes I look up and find that she's been crying quietly while I was doing it.

I've read books devoted to the subject and tried a lot of things, so I don't think it's my technique. I love looking at/stroking/licking her body (especially her pussy) but it just seems to embarrass her. She seems to think her pussy is "dirty" (it's not - it's always just tasted/smelled/looked like clean skin) or that it's demeaning for me to do it (because she pees through there? She won't say.) She gets teary-eyed whenever I try to talk to her about it, too. Even when she makes herself cum, she doesn't make any sound, and she has to be lying on her back with her legs together. I suspect that she used to have to pleasure herself secretly in her old relationship, since her partner didn't approve of her masturbating if he couldn't get her off, and that's why she has taught herself not to move or make a sound when she gets off. She seems to enjoy being penetrated, but can't get off that way either, and rarely makes any sounds or moves during the process. I care very much for her, and I want her to be happy. I'd like to beat the person who taught her to be ashamed of her body and of enjoying sex. She probably should see a therapist, but every time I bring it up, I get more tears and denials that there's any problem. I understand that you can't "make" someone happy, but I love her dearly and I'd appreciate any suggestions anyone can offer who has had experience in this area. Thanks.

The cat is an asshole

Anonymous — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 09:33:37 -0800

My fiance has two cats. I've never been a cat person, and am worried about what's going to happen in a few weeks when we move in and the cats become our cats. Sorry in advance for the length of this... I'm posting anon because people I know read MeFi and I'd rather this not get back to my fiance, so I'll try to squeeze in every detail I can. If you want to reach me, throwaway email is: thatdamnedcat.mefi@gmail.com

My fiance has two cats. They're both adopted strays, who have been with her through a cross-country move and several apartments. We live in a city, so they're both indoor cats, and have been all their lives. One cat (we'll call him A) is awesome. I've never been a cat person, and before I met my fiance, all the cats I'd ever known somehow instinctively knew this and gave me a wide berth. This one did not. He's an attention whore, and the friendliest animal I've ever met. We get along famously, and he's very well-behaved.

The other cat (let's call her B) is a huge asshole. We think she was mistreated before my fiance adopted her, and she never really recovered. She's incredibly skittish, and it's taken me a year and a half of being around her for her to even start to tolerate me. I can, on rare occasions, pet her briefly on the head before she turns and flees. It's possible that I freak her out because I'm much bigger than anyone else she's known (she lives in an apartment with two small-ish females, and I am a very large guy), and make more noise/am more intimidating/remind her of a past abuser, but I want to stress that I've made great efforts not to do anything to freak her out (I don't wear shoes around her because of the heavier footsteps, I've never tried to discipline her for anything she's done [see below], and I try to move as slowly and non-menacingly as I can when she's in sight ). It doesn't seem to matter. This cat pretty clearly dislikes me, and I haven't been able to do much about it. That would be OK with me, but she also pretty clearly dislikes my fiance, too. And my fiance's roommate. And everyone else she's ever met. She'll disappear into a closet when anyone unknown comes around, and will barely make an appearance when it's just me and my fiance. In the time that I've known my fiance, I've never seen her interact with B for more than about 30 seconds at a clip. B will tolerate a small amount of attention, and then act like she's been spooked by something and go tearing out of the room. She's not a lap-cat, and doesn't crave any human attention at all.

I can handle an anti-social cat, but things took a turn for the worse a couple of months ago. B has taken to peeing on things, and it's pretty clearly meant as punishment to my fiance and I. She has a handful of spots that are her favorites, and nothing we've done will dissuade her from them. There's a couch cushion that she likes to target, as well as a spot behind a piece of furniture. If someone leaves their shoes at the entrance to the apartment, those shoes are as good as ruined. We're religious about keeping the catbox clean, and two trips to the vet haven't turned up anything. She's only 6 or 7 years old, so I doubt it's age-related. Every time she pees on something, we completely clean and disinfect it, and we've tried treating the surfaces with cleaning sprays designed to keep cats from re-offending, and we've tried some desperation tactics like spreading dry cat food on the cushion and in the usual target spot on the floor in the hope that she won't want to pee where she eats. Nothing. At least twice a week, there's a big puddle for us to clean up. A few times, she has walked into the room where my fiance and I are sitting, climbed up on the cushion, turned to look directly at us, and peed. She did this earlier today, after my fiance and I got back from a weekend trip out of town (during which my fiance's roommate remained in the apartment, feeding the cats and cleaning the litterbox). I can't see any other reasoning behind this except as punishment--there are no major stressors in her life, unless I'm being perceived as one, but that's not something we can fix.

At the same time, she has taken to sitting outside the bedroom door, howling and scratching at the door in the early hours of the morning. I finally relented and agreed to leave the door open (the two cats used to sleep on the bed with my fiance before we started dating, when I asked that we keep the bedroom kitty-free to slow the cat hair buildup, and because they contribute to my snoring), thinking that she might just be lonely and want some attention. Not the case. A couple of nights a week, she'll sit at the (open) doorway, scratch the doorframe, and meow pitifully for hours at a time. We've made sure that she has water, food, and a clean litterbox. Day or night, when we try to give her attention (because we of course realize that cats are social creatures), she won't hear of it.

You can probably see where this is going. I hate this cat. She's wrecking our sleep and our apartment, and since my experiences with her have all been negative, I don't have any positive things to focus on. Nor can I really see that my fiance has a whole lot of positive history with the cat--B has apparently been completely antisocial for as long as my fiance has had her, and the peeing-as-revenge thing has come up a few times in the past, under equally baffling circumstances. They don't have anywhere near the rapport that my fiance has with A. I am not and never have been a cat person, and I just can't understand why anyone would put up with this from an animal who clearly doesn't care about its owner. (I'm seriously not trying to troll here, and I know people care deeply about their cats--I understand completely, and would probably feel the same if this one made even the slightest hint of caring) I've read the previous advice threads on how to deal with the individual behavioral problems, but all the advice seems to boil down to "cats are assholes, but you should put up with this weird quirk because it's worth it to have a pet you enjoy." I just can't see the upside, and am a little worried about what's going to happen when my fiance and I move into a new place together in a few weeks (we're currently in separate apartments, but spend 5 or 6 nights a week together). I don't want to be unreasonable, and would never start laying down ultimatums like this poster's husband, because I don't wish any harm on the thing, but if the cat starts seriously disturbing our sleep, I don't trust myself not to snap about it in the morning someday, so I'd rather start dealing with this now. And while my fiance and I are normally the two most communicative people in the world, and are otherwise blissfully happy and open with each other, I have no idea how to broach this with her, because I don't have any solutions to offer, and just dropping "I hate this damned cat" isn't helpful.

So, after that whole treatise: what do I do? I'd love to hear any suggestions for correcting the cat's behavior, or finding a way for it not to bother me so much, or for somewhere the cat can go, or... well, anything.

Thanks in advance!

This is going to warp me, isn't it.

Anonymous — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 12:57:15 -0800

So my girlfriend burst into tears after sex. Is that, uh, typical? Hi all,

Long story. My girlfriend of a year and a half burst into tears after sex. She's in the middle of law school exams and stressed out beyond belief; it had been a while since we last slept together, and, well, immediately after the fact (and I mean immediately) she just burst into tears, and said she had no idea why.

So has this ever happened to anyone else? She's fine today, albeit embarrassed, but I'm not entirely sure how to react to this. We're really close, and haven't been fighting or anything recently, and I believe her when she says she doesn't know what happened; she just, well, burst into tears. Hell, she looked baffled while she was crying.

So, any thoughts or comments? This is a new one by me.

Stop the waterworks!

Anonymous — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 22:06:51 -0800

Over the last year, I've started to cry when I orgasm. While it was an occasional thing at first, it's turned into something that happens every time I come. I really, really hate crying, and feel sick and miserable when I have. It's killing my sex drive--I no longer want to have sex, because I know that it's going to make me cry. How can I stop? I've seen this question, which confirms that this is normal, but I'm not worried about the normalcy of it--I'm interested in stopping.

I'm not much of a crier. When I do, it leaves me with a stuffy nose, a headache, and often an upset stomach. This is true even when the crying is happy, or pain-induced and thus not emotive. I absolutely hate this feeling, and will do damn near anything to avoid it.

Unfortunately, lately, "avoiding it" has translated to "not having sex". It wasn't intentional, and it didn't occur to me until today, but over the last six months, I've become less and less interested in sex. I think that I started avoiding it because of the inevitable waterworks, and because every time I've had sex lately, it's been negatively reinforced with more tears.

This isn't tied into our relationship at all--I still find my partner attractive, and am more than happy to give handjobs/blowjobs/other things that don't result in orgasm for me. For obvious reasons, though, this isn't a very satisfactory solution for either of us--I miss the great, fun sex that we used to have, and he misses the sexy, engaged, happy sexual partner that he used to have. (Worth mentioning is that when we *do* have sex, it's still great and fun and awesome, but it ends in badness for me, which sort of...kills the fun.)

The crying, at this point, seems to happen regardless of if my orgasm is with him or solo. I come, and about a minute later, I start to cry.

I don't think that I have any great psychological hangups about orgasms or sex--I've always had a fairly healthy and happy sex life, and this has never been an issue for me before. I've been with my partner for about two years, and this has only become a problem in the last year, apparently triggered by nothing.

I realize that this isn't an uncommon reaction to sex, but does anyone have any tips on how to better control myself? Again, I'm primarily interested in figuring out how to stop crying.

I'll give you something not to cry about

Anonymous — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 11:27:26 -0800

Can anyone recommend a technique, mental or physical, to keep myself from breaking out sobbing? I've been struggling all morning with the urge to burst out in uncontrollable sobs. I fully intend to deal more fully with the the state of my mental health as soon as possible, but I can't leave work today or take off tomorrow and I don't have a lot of privacy in my work environment.

Does anyone have any suggestions for damming the flood?

Your tears don't fall, they crash around me

KateHasQuestions — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 18:52:58 -0800

How do guys feel about girls crying? A few girl friends and I (ages 24-30) realized recently that we cry when we are angry, cry when we are upset, and cry when we are scared. That's just our natural reaction - even though we might be raging inside, instead of yelling or being afraid, only tears come out. Not all the time, obviously, but if we are upset about work, something in life, or a relationship, we end up crying.

How do guys feel about their girlfriends or wives crying to them and in front of them? If it's something that's frustrating at work, or something about the relationship (fear or insecurity), is it OK to cry in front of a guy in either case? Obviously it happens once in a while and can't be helped, but is it better to just go cry alone most of the time if we need to cry, or are guys OK comforting girls? Is there a more "constructive" way of crying, such as telling the guy what is wrong and what can be done to fix everything?

Please don't get judgemental or say that I should find happiness inside, or I should learn to express anger in words instead of tears, I just want to know how much crying is a guy is willing to put up with, in a way. Obviously every situation is different, but give me your thoughts on this topic! Is it highly uncomfortable to deal with? Expected from girls?

Tears of Joy

Anonymous — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 18:01:55 -0800

My girlfriend sometimes cries during orgasm. It's not pain crying. The first time it happened it totally freaked me out, but she assured me it was all good, that it was about going beyond a really good feeling to one of being "overwhelmed." It's not just tears, either--it can be full on bawling. It's since become the high water mark of our intimate relations, which are not particularly unusual in any way--meaning we're not doing something really freaky, for which tears might be appropriate. I do my best to take full credit for pushing her climax that far, but it must be admitted that it's most likely when she's the active one. I'm widely experienced enough to think that this is, well, pretty unusual. Is it?

Save me from my obamotions

emhutchinson — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 17:40:39 -0800

How can I keep from crying or otherwise over-emoting on Tuesday at my son's fourth grade Inauguration celebration open house pot-luck? My mother always said chewing on white bread could keep you from crying while chopping onions. But what will keep me safe from embarrassing my son and myself on Inauguration Day? Please don't say "Just stay home."

(But if you want to, you can say "Happy Birthday!")

Pfft, cry me a river. Wait, don't!

Anonymous — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 15:42:24 -0800

Okay, so my friend cried in front of me. This isn’t usually a big deal for me, but for some reason this little episode has totally unnerved me. A huge plate of overthought beans await inside. First, I’m a lady: in general, a liberal, feelings-having, men-can-cry-too lady. Specifically, I am the "tough love" friend who’s drawn to dynamic, self-deprecating but also self-sufficient folk. While I have had many a sleeve get be-snotted by an upset friend, and I’ve done the same, I personally resort to hyper-rationalization and anger when I’m upset, and up until now, so have most of my friends. And like anyone, we have fits of despair (foreign affairs, personal relationships, Sarah Palin), but they never keep us in bed all day. I know depression is way, way more complex than indolence and self-pity, but again, I’m not very exposed to it personally, and it’s not something I viscerally understand.

One of my good friends has recently suffered from episodic bouts of depression spurred by social anxiety, insecurity and a general sense of malaise. We have a lot of intellectual chemistry (nothing sexual, we're both friends with each other's SOs), hang out 1-3 times a week, and try to keep each other sane while we deal with mid-twenties dissolution and boredom. A week ago at dinner we got into a minor discussion about some benign problems with our dynamic (which are as much my fault as his: he gets a little overbearing and I can be insensitive). To me, it was a pretty normal, healthy exercise in an adult friendship. I had already moved on to another subject when I realized that my friend’s eyes were suddenly glazed with tears. He didn’t wipe them away, but hung his head as they dribbled down his face. Much to my everlasting shame, I was left speechless and appalled at this reaction. I basically sat there petrified until he finally sniffed the tears up again and we eventually moved on.

A week later, I still can’t shake that initial shock, and if anything it's metastasizing into something much worse. I see now that he had been having a rough, that it was poor timing for me to criticize him, that it was probably the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, and that I shamefully didn’t rise to occasion to console him. But I also can’t help but feel manipulated, exasperated, and (I can barely admit this) embarrassed for him. I’m disgusted with myself for feeling like this when I know that he's depressed and I'm being an asshole. And I’m further alienated after his follow-ups, in which he tries to ease my guilt over making him cry (“I know you didn’t mean it”) without apologizing for losing his cool or admitting that it was a very minor infraction that just happened at a bad time. I’m avoiding him because I only feel guilt over my internal reactions, not the discussion itself.

I keep waiting for this irrational cringing to subside, because now I’m being the immature cry baby who’s made a big deal out of nothing. I don’t want to hang out with him, I avoid his phone calls, and I get mad all over again just remembering the scene. Obviously I can’t really tell an already insecure depressive “Look, I’m irrationally mad and embarrassed for you that you cried over nothing and now I feel like I can’t say anything negative to you ever again,” but he’s starting to demand an explanation for why I fell off the radar.

Can I be honest about my reaction without sending him into a deeper depression? How do I get over this “Ick, ick, ick” feeling? Aside from choosing my words carefully, how else can I exert some damage control? Or does this incident mean I’m probably too emotionally obstructed and unsympathetic to be friends with him?

In the name of all that is holy, please let there be print-outs!

miss lynnster — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 17:37:15 -0800

I installed a new hard drive in my G5, reinstalled all my software, and now I can't print to my HP color laserjet 3550. I've called HP, I've done everything I know how to do. HELLLLPPPPP!!!!! I'm using OS X 10.4.11. According to HP, they eliminated the need to download a printer driver and made it "automatic" in Tiger... but it's not connecting/printing no matter what I do. This printer worked fine with this computer for 3 years, and I don't remember how I got it working back then but I *know* it wasn't this difficult.

I'm getting really desperate... I need printouts asap!!! Helllp! I'm getting really whiny as my frustration mounts.

How to get my sleeping baby to stop crying?

gaspode — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 10:06:19 -0800

3 month old baby crying inconsolably in her sleep? Help me stop the crying without waking her up! Our baby has just (in the last few weeks) started to have some big changes in her sleep patterns. As background, from about 6 weeks to about 11 weeks, she was a great sleeper. She would be asleep by about 7pm, would wake around 1-2am for a feed, again at around 5am and again at 7am. Sometimes she would even fall back asleep and not wake until 9am. Then around 11 weeks, her first sleep period (which had gradually increased up to about 7 hours) started getting shorter and shorter, and she would subsequently wake every 2 hours until the morning. This is still going on, but now, at around 11pm, instead of merely waking, and making those "waking up" noises (she has never -until now- been a big crier) she is crying and screaming. The kicker is, she appears to still be asleep. But there is absolutely no consoling her. Ignoring it doesn't work, she escalates the crying (and we feel she is too young to let her cry without us there for more than a few minutes), but rocking her, shushing, burping her in case we missed some gas, all that stuff does nothing. The only thing that does console her is nursing. She never seems to completely wake up during this whole time. It doesn't seem like she should be hungry - it's usually only a few hours since her bedtime feed and she eats a lot then. And the one time she did wake up fully, she calmed down eventually, but I am hesitant about actually trying to wake her if there's another way to calm her that isn't nursing her.
Why am I resistant to nursing her then? Well, she was on the path to sleeping through the night, and if she is going to nurse during the night, I'd be trying to get it to around 1-3am.
So, has anyone experienced this? Anything worked? Just wait it out and it will resolve itself? She doesn't seem to be going through early teething. I've read the other askmes tagged with baby+sleep, but those were more about getting the baby to sleep initially, which she does fine. And again, she doesn't really seem to be fully awake when she's crying.

Is my dude-cat just needy, still in adjustment, or desperate for lady-action? (Please say the middle one.)

dorothy humbird — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 05:55:33 -0800

Newly adopted male cat yowling in the nighttime. Help me assess the situation, because my landlord has expressed concern about male cats continuing to exhibit male behavior even after alteration. Checked past threads on cat crying and yowling, and there were some helpful pointers, but I've got a specific end-question that wasn't addressed in the threads I turned up.

So here's the scoop on the dude-cat:

Approximately 5 years old.

Brought to the shelter as a stray, and UNALTERED.

Neutered shortly after his arrival at the shelter, about 1 month ago now.

Adopted simultaneously with a 1.5 year old female cat; roommate and I took them both home together, though she did the official paperwork for the lady-cat and I technically adopted this dude in question.

He's been in the apartment with my roommate and I (and the lady-cat) since Sunday afternoon (so, less than 48 hours at this point).

Disposition very friendly, attention-needy; he will greet and ask for head-skritches, and has curled up with me on my bed while I'm on the laptop, purring while I pet him and then falling asleep.

When I've been out of the apartment and my roommate has been here instead, she has reported him walking about the apartment, crying. She said he's been okay for a little while if she gets him to sit with her, but it seems she doesn't give him enough attention (she's allergic, but still cat-devoted) and he'll get restless and leave. Repeat.

The talkativeness was not a feature when we met him in the shelter; he seemed much more laid-back and mellow. When we got them both home from the shelter, we kept them in a back pantry room of our apartment for the first afternoon and overnight, and I didn't notice any yowling then, either. Monday morning (yesterday morning, ugh) was the first we let them explore the whole of the apartment.

On the cats interacting with each other:
In contrast to my dude-cat, the lady-cat is friskier yet more standoffish, and alternately tries to play with him or bats him out of her space for sniffing at her back end too much. When she tries to start these play-fights up with him he seems to not know how to respond, and just stands there while she prances and bats, and then she runs off. However, he follows her when she has come into my room for attention (unbidden by me), or if she has trailed after me into the kitchen. I haven't witnessed him trying to mount her at all, just sniffing when she's in range - face, flank, and especially insistent at sniffing her buttal area when she's distracted (eating, scratching at litter, etc.)

The Nighttime Yowling:
Tonight (last night), when I turned out the light, dude-cat hung out with me on the bed (where we had been for some time), in contact with my hand, for about 10-15 minutes, and then got up and departed my room. He has been yowling intermittently in maybe 2 minute stretches, every 10-20 minutes through the night, with exceptions for the few times I have coaxed him into the room and gotten him to chill with me. The situation does not seem to be helped by the lady-cat occasionally joining us on the bed, grooming herself, and then leaving -- dude-cat then follows her out, and begins walking the hallway yowling after a few minutes. I say "yowling," but the quality of this vocalization is not a drawn out wail. It is more like a series of questioning short cries that begins kind of muffled and builds up to a standard level -- it's loud but not CRAZY loud.

I am a seasoned cat person, in that I grew up with cats and have cared for them myself - but, mostly one at a time, and always dude-cats who were altered within their first year of life, having no chance to develop sexually active male cat habits. So, I am bad at IDing that type of behavior, and I am aware that it sometimes does persist in individual male cats.

My questions/concerns are: could his yowling be indicative of territoriality and/or sexual dissatisfaction, i.e. indicating that he is still aware of female cats, interested in them for their bits, and wants to BONE but can't... so has to whine about it? If so, how likely is it that his instinct/possible habit for spraying will manifest?

Regarding the landlord:
We live above him, in a duplex house, so there's a strong possibility he's already aware of the yowling. He was initially reluctant to okay bringing a male cat home; he's had a bad experience with a neutered male spraying after alteration in the past. He consented on the condition that we let him meet the cats and give his approval, which he did (landlord has owned a lot of cats, so this was an informed approval). My dude-cat even used the litterbox in front of him, like he was proving a point.
Also, dude-cat has been grooming himself faithfully since late Sunday (I think he took a little while to get comfortable), which is somewhat heartening -- I've read material that implies that pre-alteration male cats have a lot less interest in keeping themselves clean. Good sign?

To sum all of this up: I am concerned that the yowling and the lady-bits-interest indicate that he has latent male-sexuality habits just waiting to spring up as soon as he gets really settled in. I'm further concerned that, as a result of this, my landlord will ask me to return the cat to the shelter, and that breaks my heart.

We'll be scheduling a follow-up vet appointment soon, and I will certainly ask about this then, but in the meantime I could dearly use some peace of mind/a direction to head. I haven't gotten more than an hour's sleep tonight as a result of the crying, and all the worrying I've been doing (hooray for possible anxiety issues!) -- that the landlord will ask for the removal of the cat, or that we won't be able to resolve the yowling issue and I'll surrender him myself in exasperation. I AM willing to work on this (I'm already really fond of the little guy!), and will heed the suggestions in the threads I linked, but I would like to be reasonably sure of the underlying cause. Please, please, help a sister out here.

Wah Wah Wake Up

vermontlife — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 17:05:12 -0800

Why do babies cry when they wake up? Nine times out of ten, my 7 month old daughter will cry upon waking. I mean, give a wailing cry and directly upon waking. Why does she wake up crying so often?

Looking for movies that will send me into hysterics!

gwenlister — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 14:43:16 -0800

I am looking for some new movies to add to my sob collection. :) I'm the kind of girl who loves a good solid sob and I LOOOVE cheesy romance movies. I find it incredibly cathartic and really relaxing, if that makes any sense. So basically I'm in the market for a good sob today. Preferably a sob because it is so happy. (For an example, THIS made me lose it completely). I also love the "I hate you! I hate you too! Holy crap we're kissing!" stories.

Requirement: I'd prefer if they were made in the past 30 years or so, even better if they are available through alternative means, namely online. :)

Ones I already watch a lot/own:
First Knight
Sabrina
Only You
When Harry Met Sally
The Colour Purple (not romance, but MAN do I cry! Love it!)
Moulin Rouge
Pride and Prejudice
The Notebook
The Truth about Cats and Dogs (Not so much with the crying, but still awesome)

A father's sadness and deterioration

moonbird — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 21:15:42 -0800

My father is a severe alcoholic who has always had a propensity to cry and tear up at the drop of a hat. As he's gotten older (63) and his addiction has become more pervasive, it's gotten much more pronounced (recently 2 tear up episodes in 10 minutes of conversation, on average). I'm wondering whether this hyper-emotionality is an effect of the alcohol or possibly a genetic/organic predisposition...? I too have a tendency to be sappy and prone to tears given some strong emotional input, though generally from movies or scenes scripted to be tear-jerking. A car commercial can make him cry, eating lobster which reminds him of his late wife, getting a certain catalog in the mail, mentioning his favorite bar... all of these things can trigger major sobbing. He also has as complicating factors COPD and poor nutrition. I deeply admire his sentimentality, but his friends and others around him have been remarking lately that he cries quite excessively and his drinking has increased markedly. Could this, combined with his medical status and a family history of early senility be antecedents of a progressive condition, or might this be some weird genetic abnormality surfacing at its peak?

I'll be on standby to answer followups, thanks in advance!

Don't want to be a human security blanket

roundrock — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 10:19:26 -0800

Okay, I'm pretty much at wit's end. My six month old son (second child) has always been a very easygoing and happy baby, but for the last month or so, he's been extraordinarily needy. Normally, this is something I'd attribute to teething, but Tylenol/Orajel does not seem to help, and the pediatrician checked him two days ago and said he doesn't see or feel anything near the surface yet. Here's what's going on:
I can't leave his sight. EVER. The moment he sees me turn my back, he crumbles, and the tears quickly become shrill shrieks if he's not picked up immediately.

When he's in a good mood, he'll tolerate sitting somewhere (stroller/car seat/Bumbo) or laying/semi-crawling around on his tummy. Again, this only applies when I'm within arm's length. If he's not feeling particularly cheerful, then he MUST be held. I have a carrier that I love and use all the time, but there are times when I just can't hold him (e.g., when I'm cooking dinner, changing his diaper, showering, etc). When I'm holding or wearing him, he's happy as a clam - laughing, smiling, babbling, etc. It's like a switch is flipped the moment I pick him up.

He won't sleep unless he is in physical contact with me. On those rare occasions when I do get to set him down (gingerly transferring the sleeping baby to the crib or swing - we've all been there!), he wakes up within thirty minutes (and usually within a minute or two) and is frantic. I'm co-sleeping with him at night (I did this by choice when he was a newborn; now it's just the only way I can get him to sleep). We've tried cry-it-out and modified cry-it-out (pick him up and soothe him and then lay him down again; just patting him or placing a hand on his back has no comforting effect whatsoever). For the past month, I've held him or worn him (while he sleeps) all evening until I go to bed (and I'm a night owl, so that's usually around 2a).

I didn't go through this with my first son. We had some tough evenings, but around 5 or 6 months I started a modified cry-it-out strategy a la the Sleep Lady (Kim West), and it was smooth sailing after a couple of nights. This is new (and extremely exhausting/frustrating) territory for me; what gives?

Helping a kid deal with losing...

unixrat — Fri, 23 May 2008 08:25:23 -0800

What to do (if anything) about a kid (Kindergarten) who cannot deal with failure/losing? Right, so school 'Spring' concert last night, each grade stands up front as a group and sings 3-4 simple songs. Three songs in, I can see our daughter forget some of the words to a song, look a little nervous, burst into tears, and walk off during the song. She's inconsolable, wouldn't sit with her class ("Embarrassed"), wouldn't rejoin her class for the whole school sing at the end, nothing.

Not the first time this sort of thing has happened. Our parent-teacher meetings have been glowing - great kid, good worker, friendly, but always with the 'She will avoid doing something if she thinks she'll get it wrong'. We've run into it at home - she won't guess at things, won't try new games without an example or demonstration, that sort of thing. Once you do that, she's a-ok, but she'll never attack it on her own.

We don't punish mistakes, we're very supportive, and she's certainly seen us make our share of mistakes. I play sports and she's seen my softball team get whipped regularly. :) Hasn't seemed to help though. Her response is avoidance and tears, not anger or lashing out or anything.

Okay, crux of the issue: The wife and I got into a (private - after the kid had gone to bed) fight last night over what to do - the wife wants "Professional Help" and I wanted to do nothing - she's six.

The rub is that this is my daughter has picked up a miniature version of my wife's personality, pretty much since birth. My wife is almost exactly like this - she won't play on our co-ed softball team because she's "no good", I had to play with a neighbor's wife during the neighborhood Best Ball golf game because she "doesn't know how to golf", etc., etc. Neither my wife nor my daughter will accept the rationale that "it's only for fun and no one cares."

Apparently this has caused my wife much pain during her life - missing out on things, stress, and so on, and she wants to try and help our daughter avoid the same problems. The problem I have is that I am mystified by these actions. The solution (to me) with not knowing how to play softball is... to play softball. Same with golf. And singing. And life.

So, Mefi, have you any advice? Does my six year old need some sort of professional help? Is there some way we can help her deal with this on our own? My guidance of "Just Do It" isn't working - help!

Help me deal with a baby noisy neighbour.

Mwongozi — Fri, 02 May 2008 12:18:57 -0800

Help me deal with a noisy neighbour. Difficulty: Neighbour is one month old. I live in mid-terrace house. (In the UK, if it matters.) Recently one neighbour acquired a young baby, and this baby likes to scream. A lot. Especially at night.

The baby sleeps in a room which is on the other side of a wall to my bed, and their parents don't seem too interested in (or perhaps they're simply unable) stopping it from screaming.

It is interrupting my sleep and even during the day the sound of a screaming baby is annoying, and stressful.

What should I do? Go next door and tell them? Even if I did, what could they do? I feel somewhat trapped!

No teardrops on my guitar, unfortunately

StrikeTheViol — Sun, 27 Apr 2008 15:09:54 -0800

I'm having problems being unable to cry and produce tears, and it's really getting annoying. Help me turn on the water. I had a couple eye infections over the past few years, and I've been having an increasingly hard time producing tears. I could be eating jalapenos watching Bambi's mother on infinite loop, and just a couple drops. My doctor wasn't keen on any probing, and said it's not terribly serious, but it takes forever to blink irritants out of my eyes. I've tried gently rubbing beneath my eyes, but I think I might be doing it wrong, as it hasn't worked very well. Is there anything I can do to increase my natural tear flow and stop supporting the shadowy eyedrop mafia?

Make the tears stop.

zeusianfog — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 00:12:55 -0800

How can I stop making my roommate cry? My new roommate is one of those people previously documented in these fine pages who cries whenever she is faced with a situation remotely confrontational. She has lived with us for about two weeks and I've already made her cry twice! Needless to say, neither situation felt much like a confrontation to me...

a) On a Saturday not long after she moved in, her and I went to the Guggenheim. We got into a lengthy discussion on whether or not postmodern art is still relevant, with me taking the con side--though I wasn't trying to shit all over the day, I was pretty clearly trying to say that I liked the art we had seen and this was just a quibble. But before long, this turned into one of those conversations where the other person was just mm-hmming and then all of a sudden she was sobbing on the subway platform. In the post-mortem I did on this with my boyfriend, we concluded that maybe she felt implicated because part of my critique of the artist's usage of postmodernity was his complicitness with the fashion industry, which I tied into a larger argument about postmodern art's seemingly uncritical stance on fashion. Because she puts a lot of effort into her outfits, we thought maybe she took that as an attack, but I had no idea at the time, and I certainly wasn't trying to suggest that a private citizen who cares about her appearance deserved to be attacked.

b) After a class we had today, she was telling people about the vegan dinner party her and my other roommate threw on Saturday. I complimented her effusively about her hostessing prowess at the actual party, but today I happened to mention that some lard accidentally found its way into one of the dishes, like, oh, ha ha, things go wrong at every party. She immediately became defensive and started to aggressively assert that this was the other roommate's fault, which I immediately backed her up on. She started to cry anyway.

I just don't know what to do here, on two fronts:

a) What does this mean for my relationship with her? I want to be friends, and when I'm not reducing her to tears things seem all right. In fact, even when she is crying she doesn't seem angry at me, while she was crying today she even reached out to me for a hug. But I don't know if she really is angry at me or not, because she seems pretty good at disguising her contempt for people, based on a social call an acquaintance of hers made here--she complained about him for at least ten minutes before he arrived and after he left, but was gracious and kind and so forth when he was here. What if all the niceness with me is just a front and really I'm the asshole who makes her feel bad for dressing up and accused her of throwing an awful party and poisoning all her friends with lard? The boyfriend thinks I should sit down and talk to her about it, but I'm worried she'll see it as a confrontation and more tears will result. Part of the problem with the crying is that if I have a confrontation with another friend they may react badly, but crying tends to shut down conversation, so I may never get to the root of the disagreement. I still don't know what the deal with the museum was, I just have a theory, and I may have been wrong about this afternoon as well. So if I sit down to talk to her and she bursts into tears, I won't know where to go from there and I risk making our relationship even worse! Besides, confronting roommates is hard because she may feel there is nowhere for her to retreat.

b) The other problem here is, even if I decide not to take any action, what do I do the next time the waterworks start? I don't know what to say--Obviously I try and be comforting and I tell her I'm not angry at her and that everything is okay, and of course I hugged her when she gestured for a hug, and I tried to produce tissues and so forth, but it's pretty fucking awkward for both of us--no one wants to cry in public, but being the guy shifting from one foot to the other and murmuring comforting things to the sobbing woman doesn't look particularly good either. Help!

96 Tears...But Hopefully More

AngerBoy — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 14:13:54 -0800

What's a good example of a song whose emotional power affects the artist performing it? I'm trying to compile a list of songs whose musical landscape and/or lyrics are so emotionally potent that the emotion emerges clearly in a recorded version of the song. Specifically, I'm looking for rock or pop songs with sung lyrics, and easily-accessible (album) recordings in which you can clearly hear the performer affected by the emotion of the song.

A couple of examples that rise immediately to mind are:

Michael Jackson's She's out of My Life (yes, it's sort of a mediocre song, but I like the bit when you hear him break down near the end), and

Nina Simone's live version of The King of Love is Dead, recorded soon after Martin Luther King Jr.'s assassination.

Can you guys come up with any other examples? Any good tear-jerkers where the singer him/herself gets overcome while singing? I keep trying Google, but try as I might, I keep ending up at that godforsaken Roy Orbison song.