Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with crush

I've accidentally been leading a friend on.

brenton — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 01:59:47 -0800

Help me clean up a complicated friend-triangle before it becomes a messy love-triangle. Ok, context: three classmates (John, Jane and Jannet) at my grad school and I have become very close this semester. The four of us hang out almost every day.

The problem is that Jannet thinks that she and I have a thing going. I guess you could say I have been leading her on... but it's more complicated than that.

I actually like Jane a lot, but Jane likes John (who likes her, but may not be entirely serious about it). So the result is that Jane, who doesn't want to lead me on, has sort of been avoiding me and being close to John when the four of us hang out, which leaves Jannet and I together all the time. Like whenever we sit down, John is on the end next to Jane, then Jannet, then I. It's just the social dynamic of the group leaves Jannet and I paired. Since the four of us spend hours together every day, it has been looking like Jannet and I are "an item" and I was oblivious to it until recently. It seems I am always the last one to know about these sort of things.

I dearly love all three of these people in the most platonic sense, crushes aside. I don't want things to become weird, but I don't want Jannet to be hurt either. I feel that she deserves more than the cold shoulder.

What should I do? I'm not going to act on my feelings for Jane at any foreseeable point in the future. I love Jannet dearly, but not in a romantic way. How do I gently make it clear to her that there is nothing happening between us? Or should I do something else entirely?

Getting over limerance

Anonymous — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 19:55:30 -0800

Stop the limerance! Alternatively, how do I get over someone? I’m not sure why I’m having a hard time letting go of this person. There is a guy that I’ve been hanging out with on a platonic basis weekly for the last year now. It is habitual that on Friday we go out to eat, get drinks, etc. We also talk on the phone anywhere from a couple times a week to a couple times a day. Even though we are friends I’m very attracted to him.

Because I am a coward I haven’t made a move but I’ve come to the realization that I’m living in fantasy land and need to move my life forward. I may just (A) tell him that I am attracted to him via email (and watch the friendship collapse) or (B) I may just distance myself – I’m on the fence because this same guy and another woman briefly crossed the lines in terms of friendship (they slept together), but since that time he has virtually stopped interacting with the woman. I am hoping to at least keep the friendship.

I’ve had no problem ending relationships with men before and can usually do this easily and quickly (and usually love the freedom afterwards). I’m not sure why I can’t let go of this because this isn’t even real.

I’m concerned that whether I follow scenario A or B there will be empty space (I will miss the phone calls and going out on Friday).

So I am asking the hive mind for suggestions as to how to deal with it afterwards – did you ever mange to use the end of limerance/(or break up even though this isn’t the case) to motivate yourself to do other things? Creative projects? Meet new people? I need some motivation for the aftermath. I am also very introverted/shy so meeting new people doesn’t sound rewarding or fun. Finally, I’ve managed to create a very flexible life – I could move or travel for a few months if I needed to although this seems extreme.

Any rational reasons as to why I should end this would be helpful, too. I’ve planned to stop this for a long time (or just tell him), but it isn’t working.

I just think that we'd get on.

SkylitDrawl — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 22:09:19 -0800

I haven't had a crush since I was 14 and now I have a HUGE one. I have never had to be the pursuer before, but now I think I need to be. AskMeFi, teach me to flirt and pursue while still keeping me cool!! About a week or so ago, I was studying at a café near my school and I looked up and noticed a cute boy glancing at me. We made eye contact and smiled at each other almost, and I was instantly just…twitterpated. That night, I saw him in one of the dining halls at the university we both attend. I managed to muster all of my courage and go over to introduce myself to him and his friends. They were quite friendly, and I ended up sitting and eating with them. After dinner, we all walked over to the Cute Boy's apartment and hung out awhile. The Cute Boy showed me his music and book collections, and well...let me just say that he listens to all the right music and has all the right books. Plus, he is nerdy and charming and just plain adorable as hell. And...there was nothing I could do, my crush was cemented at that point. At the end of the evening, we all exchanged numbers and all the important social networking websites. I added him and all of his friends on all of these websites and sent him a private Facebook message letting him know upfront that I thought he was kind of great and that I’d like to get to know him better. He responded relatively positively. Since then, we’ve been poking each other on Facebook. When he sees me around, he calls me or runs over for brief chats. We seem to get along pretty well, but I'm unsure of how I am supposed to proceed from here.

I literally haven't had a crush like this since I was 14. All of my relationships have been built on long-term friendships or on a guy pronouncing his interest and asking me out from the very beginning. I've never really asked anyone out. I'm totally smitten for the first time since I was a teenager and it's totally making me act irrationally.

I don't remember crushes being like this. For some reason, I'm nervous around him and that means I put my foot in my mouth kind of a lot. Also, in the hopes of not seeming too obvious, I have been trying to keep busy and avoid spending time obsessing over this. However, suddenly I am noticing that he is everywhere...this means things get kind of awkward. When I see him, I blush and act a little shy and sheepish. That is so not me. I also don't want to be THAT obvious. He's always kind and interesting and responds positively to communication and seems interested in hanging out. But I don't want to put him off, or seem desperate or weird. I mean, it's not like I'm coming at this from the perspective of, "I am in love you with and I think we should marry and I already have the names of our three future children and Jack Russel terrier picked out." I want to make that clear to him in some way. I just know I really want to get to know him. I find myself needing to know MORE about this mysterious, hot person. I definitely want to see where things go (either friendship or dating would be cool, but I don't care either way...I just know I definitely want MORE of him in my life). I know to do that, I need to spend more time talking to him. And I'd like it if I was able to find a clever way to get him alone and talk to him in a non-formal, non-datelike atmosphere (maybe I'll ask him out on a real date later, but we just met a week ago, so I would rather orchestrate a much more casual situation with just the two of us hanging out). I have no idea how to accomplish this.

So, my question is: How do I get this guy alone? Also, how do I flirt when I am so nervous that I can't even touch him on the arm or shoulder? Does anyone have tips on calming down and handling conversation when you like someone SO MUCH that they make you nervous and shy and giggly? I think he's interested in me, at least in a 'let's-hang-out-as-friends' sense. I think he might even be flirting back. Are there ways to tell if he's interested? What do I do? Any advice at all would be greatly appreciated. Sorry if this question is all over the place and weird, I honestly haven't felt this way in at least ten years.

How can I stop this ridiculous crush?

Anonymous — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 17:06:35 -0800

I met the most beautiful geeky girl I have ever seen or imagined. Help me get her out of my head, please. I went out for drinks with some new acquaintances who I hadn't met before and am unlikely to see again any time soon. A little way into the evening we were joined by a girl whose face seemed to be designed just to stimulate my brain's neurochemical pleasure pathways. She was so, so lovely. I spoke to her for about 10 minutes (~~and can now die happy~~) and found out that she's really interesting, has a cute accent, is studying nearby, and is into sci-fi. I'm not usually prone to this sort of thing at all, but despite barely having even met her, I'm crushing on her like a schoolboy. (Laying in bed last night I actually caught myself imagining how sweet we'd look as an elderly couple.) This is absurd. Help me stop.

Why is it so absurd? Well, mainly because I don't know her or really anything about her, and nor does she about me. Also, she's about five years younger than me (she's in her early-20s), but I look about ten years older than her (like her older brother or uncle - bruncle?). Also, she's far, far prettier than I am (think Shrek and Fiona). Also, because of my living and employment arrangements, I'm hardly an attractive proposition right now. And anyway - why am I even thinking about these things? I sat across from her for a couple of hours and spoke to her for about ten minutes. This is crazy.

Please tell me how to un-do to my brain whatever her lovely face has done to it. I don't think rational arguments will work, but don't let that stop you.

(Oh, and before anyone asks... I wasn't drunk, and this isn't about sex.)

Disposable email: ohgodwowiloveyou@googlemail.com

Should I tell him that I -like- him like him?

Anonymous — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 12:45:14 -0800

I am a relationship tease or a welcome ego boost? I was introduced to a gentleman through some mutual friends. He and I hit if off instantly and have had the opportunity to get together (platonically) without our pals tagging along and have had boatloads of fun.

However, for all intents and purposes I am happily unavailable to new relationships. Even if I were single there are a bevy of logistical reasons why things wouldn't work out. Now, the object of my crush hasn't had the best of luck with the opposite sex lately, and I learned that his lack of relationships has caused a small dip in his self confidence. I'm considering letting him know that I think he's a catch even though I have no intention of trying to get together with him.

Would I just be making his situation worse if I told him that I think he's dreamy? If the tables were turned I think it would be nice to know that someone thought that way about me. Am I considering committing a giant psychological no no? Or am I putting way too much thought into something that's a simple as "If I were single, I'd date you"?

Please leave the status/quality of my current relationship come to question in your answers.

Is he friendly? Interested? Teasing?

Anonymous — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 21:30:53 -0800

Angsty-crush filter: Should I do something like make a move on this guy? If not, how can I get this out of my mind and get back to my own life? OK, I'll try to keep this short. Please bear with me -- I've scoured similar previous posts but of course nothing with facts close enough.

We're both 26; I'm a girl and he's a guy. We met at a pub through a mutual friend. Since then, we've seen each other frequently at the local, always with friends. We chat online frequently and have been out on our own twice. When we talk, it's about everything and (I think) the conversation indicates a great connection. When we drink, we get funny and talk about TMI-sexcapades and shitty childhoods. The first time we went out, we talked from dinner until the pub closed around us. Last time we went out, we went back to his place and chatted / hung out until 2 in the morning....but no move was made. By either of us.

Does he like me? (I KNOW you can't really answer that here, but it's like I need to ponder out loud.) Perhaps you can answer:
1. How can I test his interest and feel my way? He's said stuff before about thinking women should take more initiative -- I'm not at all opposed to making a clear move as long as I'm not rebuffed with, "I didn't mean YOU!"
2. If you think I should go for it, can you explain how you (a female) made a successful first move?
3. Can you (a male) describe when a girl's first move went really well for you?

And if you think he's not into me (I mean, he could just be really friendly -- he's a compassionate soup kitchen volunteer, swoon), then please tell me how to quit acting like I'm 13 and get back to work!

Coworker/crush's having a rough time. What can I do?

wayofthedodo — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 15:17:59 -0800

My coworker/friend/crush has just broken up with her long-term SO. Can I help her? So this is my first job, and I’ve had a crush on my coworker since we started. Since it is my first job (and I'm really bad with interpersonal relationships anyways), I've no idea how to handle it. We're friends, we text back and forth some times, and I make her laugh at the office without much effort. I helped her adjust to our hellhole office, she helped me deal with my ongoing quarterlife crisis. She's leaving to study for the MCAT in November for three months. She just broke up with her long-term boyfriend, and told me that she has been on the verge of tears ever since. To top it all off, she just had a really bad day yesterday. I let her know that I'm there for her to talk to. Is that all I can/should do? Help me hivemind, I'm so bad at this.

Is he interested?

somersault — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 02:14:52 -0800

So, there’s this guy.. Or more appropriately there has been this guy for quite some time who has always been kind, good, and possibly interested in me? I had my girl-oblivious blinders on up until now. Is he shy or just not interested in me? If you get through all of this typical girl blathering, you're a saint.

I met aforementioned man at a bar I visit on a semi-regular basis. The bar is conveniently located near my work place. He works at the bar.

The first time we met (back in December), we had a fantastic conversation and he played a song for me that came up in our discussion (Neil Young’s “Unknown Legend”). Actually, I remember leaving and feeling sort of, well, giddy. But then life got very busy with work and whatnot and I was distracted.

Since, he’s always paid favors to me. If he’s working, he always comes by, sits down, and chats with me for my entire visit, comps my bill, remembers previous conversations, and has new information on interests I’ve shared with him in the past.

Once he offered and then drove me back to work because I forgot something. I refused at first but he insisted (I mean, is this normal for employees/managers to offer this to other customers? Is all of the above?). When the bar is slow, he’ll keep it open for just us. We’ll sit and chat. He asks me a lot of questions but maybe that’s his way of keeping things impersonal on his side..? He’s a friendly, quiet guy with great relations with other customers. He seems pretty reserved.

The thing is that at the time, I didn’t pay all that much attention. Not because he wasn’t a great guy or because I wasn’t attracted to him. Simply put, I was not in a good place to even fathom dating or getting to know someone. And I was running around and working a ton and basically, living life.

I had stopped going to the bar because life became busier than usual. I dropped in a week or so ago and he brought up a lot of stuff I had mentioned to him the last time we talked. Actually, I felt pretty embarrassed because I couldn’t remember exactly where everything had left off. Also, I felt bad because the last time we talked he brought up that a relative had passed. I offered my condolences and wanted to talk longer but my bus was coming so I couldn’t.

Oh yeah.. There was this bartender who works there as well that has made it clear he is interested in me. He gave me his number and continuously asked me out. I was polite and evaded his advances. Long story short, I accidentally contacted the bartender by texting him instead of someone else. I was up front with the bartender and apologized profusely for the misunderstanding (via text). However, the bartender then had my number and later on asked me out (to meet up with his friends and him). I said I’d probably go if I was free. I didn’t go and ignored his text messages asking where I was (I know, I’m a bad person). Do you think the other guy heard? Does it reflect poorly on me? I was never interested. The bartender has always struck me as a bit cocky and dare I say, a bit of a player?

So, the other guy has never asked me on a date or my number. I don’t know if he’s especially friendly with everyone and treats his semi-regulars well or if he is interested in me. The last time I saw him was several days ago. I was waiting for my bus and he passed me on his bike. He stopped to say hello and seemed very enthusiastic (probably adrenaline from riding?). He wanted to talk longer but my bus arrived.

Maybe he feels bad for me or is just extremely kind to people. If a guy is interested, wouldn’t he just ask me out? What should I do? If he isn’t interested in me, it would be really awkward to get rejected and then I’d probably just avoid the bar.. Also, since I didn’t pay much attention initially to him as a possible interest, maybe I’m just wearing rose-colored glasses and highlighting the kind deeds he’s doing? But really, for the life of me I’ve never known him to not give me a huge smile and immediately approach me.

Ugh, this is stupid. Why am I being so.. juvenile and insecure? So.. end of story: Is he interested in me? I mean, or what is the likelihood that he is? If so, what should I do? If not, I’m pretty sure I know what I’ll do. Probably avoid him for a bit to give myself some space.

The Talented Mr. Brady

Hugh2d2 — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 05:08:34 -0800

Long shot - On my way to Vegas this weekend. What are the odds I can get my wife to meet her celebrity crush, Wayne Brady? She's a huge fan and I've already dropped some coin on tickets, but I think I could score big if I figured out how to get her face to face with him.

Any ideas on how I would get something like this done?

Do they really know?

Anonymous — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 08:23:08 -0800

Will my inappropriate crush know? How do I keep it hidden? I've had a good female friend for 10 years (I'm a guy). We were just normal part-of-a-group friends for a long time. I really never felt any chemistry between us, although, admittedly, she's never much of a flirt, (ok, she basically cannot flirt at all), especially for a beautiful woman. I appeared to be the only guy in our group that did not have a secret crush on her.

About two years ago, we got into a little spat that was basically her fault. It wasn't a big deal, but somehow festered into us not talking for two months.

Eventually I ran into her on the street and she apologized for not calling me about the "incident." I said no problem and we hung out with our group of friends without incident a few days later. Things seemed totally normal.

She was looking for a job on the other side of the country and soon found it. In the two months she had left in our city, she started wanting to hang out with me a lot, and seemed to want to avoid group things and just do stuff me and her. I thought nothing of it, until she specifically requested that her and I go to dinner "just the two of us" a few days before she was going to leave. I suddenly got the distinct impression she was crushing on me and hoping maybe I would do something. I didn't really feel that way about her, despite the fact that she's objectively better looking than me. I think the lack of my interest involved her being somewhat cooler and less passionate than the "difficult type" I find myself generally attracted to.

When she arrived in her new place on the opposite coast, she started calling me twice a week. I rarely called her back, as I'm not much of a phone person. This continued for six months. I didn't think much of it until I learned that she was really not calling anyone else in the group but me, including female friends who I thought she was much closer to. I started to get the feeling she was crushing on me again. Several of the male friends we share started making comments that she had a crush on me. I discounted their statements because she's tall and is practically obsessed with tall guys and I'm shorter than her. I also learned that while we weren't talking, she was asking all our friends what she should do about the "incident" and was apparently pretty upset about us not talking.

At some point during these calls, I started teasing her about calling me all the time and wondered aloud how I became her best friend. She laughed about it and more or less admitted it was true. (She's not my best friend by far, but a good friend nonetheless).

I must admit I enjoyed the attention, without being intersted on my own side.

After a year, the calls slowed down a bit due to a lot going on with her, down to once a week. Through this whole period, we had talked about me coming out for a visit, as I have other friends in the area. Other members of the group went and visited her, but despite her request, I didn't come because I had a family event.

A few weeks ago, she started calling again relatively frequently. She has begun talking about moving back to where I live, which is the world center of what she does for a living. She states repeatedly that she misses her friends here and how great these friends are. We had also been discussing me coming out to visit her and my other friends.

During one of those calls, as she was laughing at my jokes, I suddenly felt attracted to her.

I have been upset about this since I felt this way and have felt crushing feelings towards since that time. Suddenly I care who is calling and when and feel upset if she doesn't return my call when I would like it. I think about her in sexual contexts and she is my distraction of choice. She has nothing going on with any guys, as usual.

Recently when I started to finalize my plans, she found out that she had been accepted for a volunteer trip and asked that I postpone a month so she could take extra time off and we could go to her parents cabin. I agreed.

Since that time I've been pretty wound up about the whole thing. I am concerned about spending time with her as I am pretty sure she isn't into me in that way, especially because of the height thing, which is pretty important to her.

I am concerned that I will not be able to hide my new, different feelings for her and that she will "know" that I like her and I will be upset. I don't want to feel rejected and I wish I wasn't having these feelings and want things to go back to where they were before. My fear is increased by the fact that we will be spending what appears to be a lot of "alone time" at her parent's cabin.

My question is two-fold: Will she know I am now crushing on her? and is there anyway that I can hide this from her while staying out there?

thanks!

How to stop married man from flirting when it's reciprocal

Anonymous — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 19:08:01 -0800

How to stop married man from flirting when it's reciprocal? I'm a notoriously bad crusher. Even though almost everyone would describe me as a competent, sensible, self-assured and promising young woman, I completely loose myself when someone breaks through to my inner core. It's not that it happens all the time either, but when it does it's with a vengeance. I would definitely describe it as a 'crushing' sensation. Particularly this time, of course, because it's an impossible crush, as he's married with kids. Made worse by the fact that I think I even like him for all the right reasons: he's a nice guy, down-to-earth, straightforward, considerate, well-spoken, same career path etc. Made muchmuchmuch worse by the fact that the attraction seems to be mutual (there's been some pretty classic signs, complete with unusually long eye contact, teasing, finding excuses to be really close, nervousness, blushing...you name it). In fact, while he is respectful about it, he is the more obvious of the two of us. So this fact makes it all the more pertinent that I stop this thing in its tracks. But the willpower it takes to NOT look at him when I know he's looking at me, etc. is harder than I thought it might be (because it's just so great when your crush likes you back!) AND, I feel like it would be cold to just ignore him entirely. So how do I manage this? He's a coworker; I don't see him that often but when I do I hate myself. A lot. I know that it's wrong, and I definitely don't need advice on why seducing a married man is a bad idea. But I need to regain control of myself ASAP.

Spring Awakening?

themaskedwonder — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 23:02:49 -0800

Initiating awkward hook-up time! So here's the deal, MeFi. I developed a major crush on a guy after only knowing him for about three weeks, and, in a drunken flirtation session, stupidly told him. The flirtation has since stopped - since he just got out of a relationship and wasn't looking for anything serious, he thought it'd be unfair to me if we hooked up while I liked him (fair enough, I suppose). The thing is, after getting over the harshest part of the crush, I think I'd like to initiate something physical (only) with him. I have no idea how to do this, being a 21-year-old completely inexperienced hook-upper. In the past I've been pretty obvious with my crush - I was shy, awkward, unable to maintain eye contact, etc. But how do I effectively communicate this change of heart and give him the green light, so to speak? I'm afraid he wouldn't take the chance.
Any thoughts would be appreciated!

How can I tell a friend I am interested in pursuing more?

Anonymous — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 15:18:43 -0800

How can I tell a friend I am interested in pursuing more?
I feel like a flipping 5 year old asking this question, but, here goes….

I’ve been friends with a guy for the last few years – at first, a casual friendship and we only spent time to together a few hours a month or so. Well now I spend a day a week with this person, we go out to dinner and get a few drinks afterwards, probably 1x/week. From the time that I first started getting to know him years ago, I would occasionally have a crush on him. For the last month or so, it has morphed into full-fledged limerance/obsession.

At minimum, I would like to go out on a date with this guy/or take it beyond friendship. I know that if I break this subject with him and he is not interested, I will be very embarrassed for a while and I also have a fear of ruining this friendship. I’m an extremely shy person and would not even define myself as a people person (it is hard in general for me to deal with people). In the past, I haven’t had to show any initial interest in a guy in the past because usually the guy makes some sort of move.

Any suggestions for a low risk conversation to let him know that I am interested in more? Or other suggestions? Throwaway email tryptophanhydroxylase2@yahoo.com

help me Be Cool about a crush on a co-worker.

phonebia — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 20:29:26 -0800

Have crush on co-worker; not sure how to deal. I have questions within questions, and need both honest and realistic answers about basic human interaction. Rather lengthy. BACKGROUND:
I’m 25, female, straight, shy, and nearly 100% inexperienced in dealing with guys, in the romantic sense. Not an exaggeration: I’ve been on 1 date ever (nearly a decade ago). And I’ve never even held hands with a male before, much less done anything whatsoever beyond that, casual or otherwise. Additionally, I’m semi-nervous around guys in a non-romantic, social context (i.e. non-work, non-school), but the nervousness is handle-able.

I’m not diagnosed with any disorder, mental or otherwise; I have mildly oscillating self-esteem about certain things, but am comfortable doing stuff alone; I am by nature a private person, but feel a bit lonely sometimes. I have one close friend, who happens to live in town, and once in a while I hang out with friendish acquaintances that I've known for ages (but don't necessarily consider as close). I have been told by people I’ve known for 10+ years (family and not) that I sometimes give off super-aloof-vibes when people are just trying to be nice, or trying to get to know me better. I agree with this criticism (as I’ve caught myself in the past just being downright cold for no good reason), so I’ve tried to consciously tone that down, and emphasize the friendliness, and I think I’ve improved over the last few years. It’s a clumsy, continuous effort though.

This lack of experience is why I need some basic things explained to me.

THE SITUATION:
I have a crush on a co-worker who is about 3 years older than I am. He is in another department (we have very minimal work-related contact), and has a work schedule that is both extremely rigorous and varied, and is different from week to week (includes days, nights, and/or weekends, in various parts of the city). I work the 8-5 shift and am a full-time undergrad student. I see him maybe 1 day a week (in the office), 2 days if I’m very lucky.

We both have a thing for movies. If he is not rushing off somewhere for work, we'll end up chatting briefly about a movie one of us recently saw. Usually he initiates; sometimes I do. These last up to 15 minutes at most; we've had maybe 4 conversations of this length on this one subject in the 8 months we've been acquainted. This counts in my book as “barely any interaction at all.”

And yet, I have been attracted to him from the start. There’s no indication that he is anything towards me other than just-being-pleasant. Plus, I am busy, he is even more busy, and we’re pretty much strangers so it seems bizarre to me a) that I feel like this, b) that I feel like pursuing this in some manner, c) and that there’s a chance in hell he’d be at all interested. And, possibly worrying: I have NO CLUE what I want out of this apparent crush. All I know is: I am very attracted and curious about him, and therefore want to talk to him more, spend some time with him. And I don’t know how to deal with it, and what is considered appropriate.

QUESTIONS BASED ON THE ABOVE:
Assume that he is single, and that the office has no policy against dating people in the workplace:

1. Am I mistaking “ooh, potential friend!” feelings for “omg I totally have a crush on him” feelings? Does it matter or is it bad that I don't know which feeling it is? How do you tell the difference if it’s not obvious? (I think he's cute, but it’s not like I want to jump him or anything. I might later if something develops, but erm, not just yet.)

2. Would it be considered creepy for me to say to him, during one of these talks, “hey, I have an idea! We should see a movie sometime!” i.e. is the interaction we’ve had considered normal grounds for me to ask that question?

3. If the interaction we’ve had is NOT considered normal grounds for me to ask (or if the following method is better), should I try to steer these brief conversations (if you can even call them that) towards the more personal (generic getting-to-know-you sorts of things) and then try asking him out (because that is what it is, right??)?

4. Should I just not bother?

5. Am I way, way overthinking this? Is the best thing to do just to relax, blurt out the question, and if he says no, then reply, “OK!” and then act exactly as before? I don't want to weird him out.

If an office relationship happens, and no one objects, is it still bad?

Anonymous — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 06:45:11 -0800

Are Office relationships still a bad idea if everyone else in the office endorses/encourages them? SHORT STORY:
1) I like this girl at my work
2) Another Female Co Worker independently suggested I should go out with this girl.
3) My boss and another manager think I should go out with this girl and even gave me tips on how to ask her out.
4) There are a number of Intra-office relationships that occur in my company, they apparantly have not caused problems or hurt people's upward mobility.

Given that situation are Intra-Office relationships (pursued with appropriate respect, caution and tact) still a really bad Idea?

-----LONG STORY------

I somewhat recently started at a job I really like, and want to keep long term, at a small/mid sized company (less than 100 employees). For a few months I have had a crush on a girl (I am a guy) in the same department. She is also a relativity new hire and the same age as me (in the 20's). Based on research I decided office place relationships were a bad idea and, up to this point, have decided to do nothing to pursue a relationship with her.

Some time after consciously making that decision another female co-worker, who I am friends with, surprised me with the unsolicited observation that she thinks "The Object Of My Crush" (hereafter TOOMC) likes me and suggested that I should ask TOOMC out on a date. I was surprised because I had not admitted to anyone that I had feelings for TOOMC. I said dating was a bad idea citing the dangers of office place relationships. Even so, my co-worker friend said I should do it. This co-worker and TOOMC are friendly if not friends.

Then, a few weeks later, while having a social dinner with my boss (also TOOMC's boss) and another manager (both guys), we get talking about the state of intra-office relationships in our company. Apparently they are somewhat prevalent and even a former employee in my department (who has since been promoted to another department) had/has one.

THEN, the other manager asks me point blank if I "had a thing for" TOOMC. I was shocked and a bit embarrassed that I was so easy to read and sheepishly replied yes. My boss chimed in that I should totally ask TOOMC out, the other manager agreed and my boss even suggested tips and observations to help to that end. I was amazing and brought up the objections to intra-office dating and asked if they were worried about negative effects to the department and the response was effectively "Well don't be an idiot about it and stay respectful".

I should note that while this conversation happened between 3 guys we are not sales people or construction workers (no offense) and I am pretty sure this was not simply "guy talk" or bravado. In-fact I quickly asked my boss afterward if he was serious and he said in effect "why not? go for it!"

Finally, obviously no office place relationship would occur unless TOOMC was OK with it too. So who is left to object? Clearly care must be taken not to let the relationship end in explosion, but honestly TOOMC seems to be a very mellow and even-keeled lady, and I am not the type to be an ass-hole and screw her over.

***Also***, even if I continue not pursuing a relationship: How do I deal with the fact that my emotions are apparantly an open book and probably everyone in the office knows I like her?!?!?

Thoughts?

I'm taken but falling for someone else

Anonymous — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 09:55:19 -0800

I'm falling for a friend who is much more compatible with me than my SO of five years. I’m a 36-year-old woman in a committed live-in relationship with a 27-year-old man. I love my SO, but there are some basic incompatibilities that show up all the more starkly in comparison with this particular guy-friend of mine who is remarkably similar to me in background, age, values, lifestyle, and outlook on the world. I’ve had an intensifying crush on him for nearly six months now (since we met) and I am pretty sure the feeling is mutual. My friend is available. He's very respectful of the fact that I'm taken, but he often compliments the way I look and he makes an effort to see me even though we no longer work together.

Oftentimes I’ll try to engage my SO in conversation about ideas or things that interest me, only to be met with a glazed “I dunno.” On the too-rare occasions I get to hang out with my friend, we never tire of talking about everything from our past relationships to politics to music or whatever else catches our fancy. Our compatibility, down to the little quirks, often astonishes me. I don’t often find that.

I feel taken for granted by my SO, whereas I feel that my friend is one of the most supportive, kind, and enthusiastic people in my life. My SO does not always “get” me. He rarely picks up after himself. He procrastinates, and when I remind him to do things or express my frustration, he calls it “nagging.” He has unpaid debt and ignores bill collectors. He smokes. He sleeps in and is content to make enough money to just get by while he pursues a dream career in which he may or may not succeed.

My friend appreciates me and the things I do and he lets me know. That’s really important to me and in my personal experience, rare. He’s dynamic, articulate, and involved in the community, and he likes to do a variety of fun things. He also has a dark, self-deprecating sense of humor that’s really similar to mine and he seems to know himself pretty well . He’s not arrogant. If anything, he’s unaware of what a wonderful person he is. He’s a hard worker with a great job.

My SO is disengaged from most activities, except for his one big passion. He’s introspective but only up to a point.
I think about my friend all the time even though I don’t see him all that often anymore (we used to work together). We’ve kept in touch and I do see him occasionally. I often dream about him at night.

I’m experienced enough in relationships to know that crushes on other people are normal and should just be tolerated/ignored/enjoyed until they fade away. I’m not one to jump the gun and relationship-hop at the first sign of trouble, not anymore at least. I’ve worked hard NOT to be that person. I’ve never cheated on a partner and I pride myself on that.

But it’s been six months and my feelings for the other person have intensified to the point where I almost called my SO by my friend’s name at a VERY inopportune time (yes, it’s what you’re imagining – luckily I stopped myself).

I’m starting to wonder if I’ll eventually regret not leaving my SO and telling my friend how I feel. I am sure, based on body language and things he’s said, that if I were single and gave him the green light he’d want to get together with me. I don’t think he realizes how I feel because I’ve tried so hard to just keep it platonic and have good boundaries, all the while just hoping my feelings would follow suit. I’ve been living a lie and “acting as if” just isn’t working.

I feel obligated to stay in my current relationship for several reasons, and aside from that, I do love my partner. I made a commitment to him. We have shared a house, pets, and a life together for five years and consider ourselves common-law married. I can’t just waltz off into the sunset with my friend and abandon my SO without some major guilt and grief. My SO hasn’t done anything malicious. He may be lazy and irresponsible around the house, but he’s also sweet, loving, and affectionate to me and has no idea I’m having feelings for someone else. Plus, I have nowhere else to go and a lot of stuff to move. I’m also worried that he can’t make it without me. He’s had some issues with addiction in the past and I’m afraid he might relapse if I leave, and then the years I supported his recovery will all be a waste.

I don’t want to cut off contact with my friend. That would make me resent my SO. I don’t want to fail in my current relationship like I’ve failed in others (meaning they have all ended). I have thought the grass on someone else’s lawn was greener before, and I was wrong. I could be wrong this time too. How can I trust myself that I’d be making the right decision? I’m at my wits’ end and am having trouble concentrating on anything but this. I can’t get my friend out of my mind and everything in my being is screaming, “tell him!” I could really use some perspective, MeFites.

You can reach me at crushonmyfriend@gmail.com.

How to get over my lesbian crush

Anonymous — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 12:40:11 -0800

I'm a married woman and I developed a maddening crush on another woman. Now I can't figure out how to get on with my otherwise really happy life and wonderful husband. Help me sort this out! I met this woman 18 years ago in college and she was never more than an acquaintance really. She tried hard to make friends with me but we never really hit it off or spent time together.

Fast forward 12 years and she and I ended up working together and starting a business. At this point in my life I found her to be funnier and more exciting than in college but really didn't spend time together outside of work.

I was already married at this point and she proceeded over the next four years to go through 3 terrible relationships with guys. The first guy cheated on her, second guy beat her up and the third guy actually was indited on child abuse charges.

After the third break up is when we started to really spend time together. TONS of really fun time together. Imagine any 80's movie montage of two people having the time of their lives together. One night I admitted to her that I had a crush on her and she accepted it very well. She didn't say she had similar feelings that night but a few weeks later told me she felt the same way I did. We didn't pursue anything physically but I always felt like we both had wanted to.

4 months later she found a great new guy and a few months after that they got engaged. Now I want to just move on and feel happy for her and get on with my husband but I can't stop obsessing about what might have been.

I am having the hardest time acting normal around her and the feelings and awkwardness only subside when she's not around but we still work together and I don't really have the ability to switch my place of business. How do I get over this while still maintaining a working relationship and should I ever talk to her about it and what might have been?

teen crush time

maloon — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 16:02:22 -0800

What advice or words of wisdom would you offer my eighth-grade son on the subject of girls? Diagnosed with Asperger syndrome when he was five, he has grown into himself just beautifully now and is beginning to receive a lot of attention from the girls. He's hanging on their every word and message with bated breath. How might you advise him on how to keep his cool?

How do you learn to never ever infatuate someone?

Anonymous — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 12:25:41 -0800

Drama penguin of the day: I am infatuating a work colleague of mine badly and I am looking for resources to understand the nature of my infatuation to get over it. My life sucks right now, because I fell for a coworker. Not a bad ass guy, and I wouldn't mind work-ethics etc and actually could go for it, if there wasn't the following background facts.

1- Although it is about to end, I am in a long-term (and since several months also long distance) relationship and I am tagged as taken (also, the colleague has already met my boyfriend twice). Let' s skip this part of the story.

2-This colleague will be leaving the workplace in several months for a job overseas.

And less importantly:
3- I am neither the best looking nor the most confident woman on earth. I was raised in a social environment where it's not too welcome when women make the first move. Generally, I am shy towards guys I like in that way.

My brain capacity is reduced to 3% right now and I am very sad because nothing will ever come out of this. And even if it did, he will go away soon. I can pull myself somewhat together and we get along well as colleagues when we talk about this and that. We have once spent several hours together on a journey. I am pretty sure that he thinks of me as a pleasant person. I do not want to spoil this and destroy the nice professional relationship we have by saying or doing something stupid and freaking him out. I actually did such a mistake once with another crush of mine and it resulted in unbearable awkwardness.

This being the third infatuation in my life, should hopefully be the last one (I am turning 30 soon!) It's so sad that it's stupid to wake up every morning and think about that one person and be sad until you go back to bed in the evening, to have that constant hopelessness feeling in the back of your mind, messing up the concentration at work totally and in general feeling like shit all day, your mind full of recurrent and sad what-ifs.

Some more information: we are sharing the same office (with others), and there is no possibility for a change in office place. He once told me he tends to have short-term relationships. He is a nice, outgoing person, so if he had any interest he would have showed me (although here I tend to forget about my official relationship status). He is smart as hell, and actually he might be suspecting what is going on with me and kind of enjoying that as long as I am not going too far.

My work requires a lot of concentration and analytical thinking, at which I am really having some problems right now. I need my brain back. I just want to be happy without missing someone I don't really know so much. Sadly, the more I get to know him, the better I like him, but no matter how good it "could be", it never "won't be". And I think I should understand that.

My colleague will be away from the workplace for some weeks soon, and I would like to use this period of time to recover and to understand what is going on. I would like to start some sort of a healing process before he returns. How can I get over this? And how can I learn out of this?

I also would like to be armed and built up some defenses against future infatuations. I basically want to get smarter about why this is happening.

So dear MeFites, please share here with me whatever knowledge, ideas, literature or wise jokes or even song recommendations, really anything, you might have on this subject. What's the deal with a crush, why do we have it, why do some of us get so sad when having a crush? Is it abnormal? Why do we get obsessed with that one person? And why will they never love us back?

Can I learn to be a less dreamy, more logical person, at my age, before I get so sad about anyone?

My throw-away: needmybrainback@gmail.com (although I might not be able to reply right away). Thanks a lot. I love you already for your help.

how do you feel about an innocent admirer

Anonymous — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 19:17:42 -0800

A question for the guys - how does it feel when you know someone has a crush on you? Creepy? Flattering? Say a woman who you see in social/work settings obviously has a slight crush on you. But that woman would never make a move because you have a girlfriend, or maybe she's married... whatever. It's an innocent crush. Nothing inappropriate, but you can tell there's a slight attraction to you. She's attractive & nice and all... So - how does that make you feel? Should said woman try to avoid you? Should she just do her best to hide it? Would it bother you? I hope this isn't considered chat filter - I'm just trying to help a friend get a man's opinion on this matter. Thanks!

How do you stay flirtatious, witty, and mysterious when you REALLY like someone?

Anonymous — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 21:42:40 -0800

Help me Don Juan Kenobi, you're my only hope; or How do you stay flirtatious, witty, and mysterious when you REALLY like someone? So here's the deal, I'm in my mid 30s, and when I end up meeting a member of the opposite sex that I find attractive, I feel as though I can be charming, witty, funny, flirtatious, etc. It greatly helps when the other person is even moderately interested in me and plays along... Generally, said person will then pursue me, or I pursue them, and we'll go on a few dates. One of two things eventually happens: either I (or they) will break things off if I (or they) don't end up developing stronger feelings, OR, I develop a MoNsTeR sized crush on them (more on this later). Anyway, I can easily be "my self" around the people that don't entirely turn me on. For some reason it's just easier to totally relax in their presence, which sometimes raises their interest level in me for at least the short tem, but eventually things fizzle either way.

My dilemma is when I date someone that DOES fill me with passion that I end up developing a huge crush/strong feelings for. These are the people that turn my dial up to 11. What happens is that my brain completely turns to mush. I stammer. I can't think of anything witty to say whenever I'm around them. I pretty much can't think of ANYTHING to say around them. It's as if I've been given a frontal lobotomy. My entire vocal style goes from lively and uplifting, to completely monotone. This happens EVERY time someone I have a crush on shows interest in me. I then completely lose my cool and end up showing TOO much interest in them, removing all elements of mystery. Then they run for the hills because this version of me is extremely un-interesting, and even a bit creepy. I don't do anything stalker-ish, but I just make myself too available to them and when we hang out I end up doing a great impression of Lennie from Of Mice and Men (rabbits, anyone?). Sometimes, I feel as though I can stay witty for the first one or two dates before I develop a crush, but as soon as that crush is set, it's as if my IQ drops by at least 30 points and I completely forget how to be flirtatious, talkative and charming. I am totally taken out of my game by these people.

So here's my question to you - what are some ways/tricks/techniques you use to stay cool and suave around the people who REALLY turn your crank? Is this a common dilemma? I understand the "you've got to just play it cool" concept, but for some reason I always turn into a spaz, no matter how hard I try not to. Is there a name for my 'crush-spaz-itis' disease? I see a shrink once in a while, and I plan on asking them too, but I figured I'd tap into the hive mind as well.

One thing to note is that several years ago I decided to get into a monogamous, committed relationship with someone that I was moderately attracted to, and had lots of fun hanging out with, but we DID NOT share any deep passionate feelings for each other. It was easy to 'be myself' around this person. Both I and this other person were honest with each other in our feelings, and we both postulated that maybe holding out for 'passion' would only lead to perpetual single-ness, and eventually I'd like to have kids/a family, and all that jazz. After a few years though, we both realized that we were just friends at best and decided to amicably break up. Thus, I'm now back at square one. Also, I have tons of hobbies, friends, lifestyle stuff, etc, so it's not like I'm looking for someone to fill some massive void in my life. I could easily settle down with someone who doesn't turn me on, but I'd rather not settle, ya know?

Throw away email: notsodonjuan@gmail.com

Shy vs. not interested vs. passive?

Anonymous — Sat, 31 May 2008 21:03:33 -0800

Is this guy is shy, not interested, passive, or any combination of thereof? (Long explanation provided, naturally.) [Note: I've read many threads re: actual/perceived shy boys, crushes, mixed signals, and the like, though they weren't totally applicable to this situation. Please be gentle :)]

I'm insanely attracted to a boy I met through a mutual friend a few weeks ago. Boy and I clicked almost instantaneously, as we have many shared interests and are dorky in the same way. We chatted for a few hours and discussed making each other mixtapes, though when I got up to leave he didn't ask for my number. No problem, I thought, as I was almost positive I'd see him at a party later that evening.

Boy and I see each other a handful of hours later at said party and dorkfest continues. Reciprocal disclosure of random self-details ensues. I realize I may really like Boy. We go back to his and mutual friend's apartment building and listen to music. Mutual friend goes home to her place and Boy and I sit on his couch, knees touching and talking for an hour. I suddenly tire and stand to leave. An awkward pause occurs, during which I ask for his number. He obliges, and I call him with mine.

A week passes. No Boy peeps. Dopamine-crazed, I initiate messaging regarding our dorky passions. This message tag continues for a week, during which I hint I want to hang out. He doesn't ask but keeps up the quid pro quo banter. I ask mutual friend for her insights, and she says a) he's not (to her knowledge) seeing anyone, b) he doesn't have girls over (she would know) and c) he's not gay. Mutual friend mentions she thinks Boy is flaky and has bad luck with women, though.

Yet another week later, I run into Boy with mutual friend and everything feels fine, as I'd somewhat tempered my attraction neurochemical-addled brain. We all meet for lunch next day and then go back to his and mutual friend's building. After spending some time with mutual friend, I saunter into Boy's apartment to say hello and we end up talking about shared interests, our pasts, and our personality quirks for the next 7 hours. He shares things with me he says he's never told anyone. I am blissed out. He offers to buy me ice cream. We allude to hanging out in the future. Tension is palpable. We hug and kiss cheeks goodbye with gooey eyes. My brain is officially turned to mush.

The next day, I text Boy asking him a question about our dorky passion with the intention of asking him to a relevant event a day later. He doesn't respond until event is moot. Because I didn't actually ask him to join, I play it off by saying "too bad, I think you would have liked this thing yesterday." A few days have passed without Boy peeps, and I'm not initiating further contact because I feel like he should make an effort to hang out if he does, in fact, like me.

I've gained a decent understanding of shy male behavior as I'm friends with many shy boys, so I get that they don't get it sometimes. What's killing me is that I've met a number of guys lately who ask for my number and ask me out right away. I'm not into any of them, though, because I like Boy, and I don't want to lead anyone on.

I've been doing this long enough to intuit reciprocal attraction, and my gut tells me that Boy likes me. Why, then, would he be acting like this? How to proceed, if at all?

Thank you!

Should I tell her now?

Anonymous — Tue, 27 May 2008 16:27:33 -0800

I have a crush on her filter: Do I tell her now? I've liked this girl for awhile (read: really like). She lives far but recently came to visit for a friends wedding. We spent some time together but didn't get a chance to be alone at all.

She's gone now but here's the catch, she's moving here within the next few months. I really want to tell her that I like her but don't know if I should wait for her to move here or do it before. I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable if the feelings she has aren't the same, it could be really awkward for her. I'm basically her main friend here and we would spend time together when she does come, so I don't want to screw that up.

I guess if she likes me, it doesn't matter what I say, and if she doesn't like me, it doesn't matter what I say.

Should I give her a random phone call now and tell her that I dig her? or wait until she moves to make my move.

Let me have it (any advice, not just specific to this, is helpful!)

What healing process and timeline can I expect following crush injury to fingers?

LeeNicholson — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 10:49:17 -0800

What healing process and timeline can I expect following crush injury to fingers? 50 year old man, good health. About 6 weeks ago the fingertips of my index and middle finger (left hand) were crushed in an accident. Broken distal phalanges and some surgery to repair one nail bed. Stitches to repair fingertip lacerations. Still in splints today, I was disappointed at the 4 week checkup to see, via some real-time x-ray, that the fingertip bones were not fused together yet. Hoping at next appointment, at 8 week mark, to see improvement.

While I am extremely grateful to not have lost my fingertips, I am very anxious about this since I am a performing musician and wonder if/when I will regain my ability to play.

Any insights on healing process from similar experienced would be most appreciated.

relationships of all kinds are hard to sort out

Anonymous — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 15:42:40 -0800

My dad died recently, and the resulting grief and intense emotional state I'm in have ramped up feelings I have for an unattainable person... a crush. I'm happily married, and this is confusing and painful. First the crush situation, in a nutshell: I’m happily married. I didn’t have much relationship experience and nil sexual experience before meeting my husband. We’re best friends. We have a good relationship, a beautiful daughter and still, after over 10 years of being married, good sex.

In retrospect, I’ve usually had a crush going over the years, something I attribute to being curious because of my lack of experience. I’m working on reframing this in my head so that it doesn’t feel like I’m missing out by not having a lot of sexual experiences. And it's helping.

The current crush is pretty serious… Or should I say, it’s taking up a lot of my brain time (I have OCD - being treated and therapied). He lives on my street, and I really, really like him. He’s funny, he’s sweet and really attractive. I don’t really want to be physical with him or go beyond some gentle flirting (well, I do, but I won’t). I’m also not blind enough to realize that he’s someone I would probably be incompatible with, should situations be different.

Now the grieving: To complicate things, since my Dad died just a few weeks ago, I really want to just be with him. He’s the only one of my friends who is single and without kids and can just do whatever spur of the moment. He reminds me of my dad in a lot of ways. I feel comforted by being with him. Frankly, I think being with him takes me out of my world that’s been recently turned upside-down. My husband and my daughter are going through their own grieving processes too.

I email him a lot, check his MySpace page quite often, think about him, occasionally leave him little happys on his doorstep, invite him over to watch a movie with us, etc. These gestures are not often reciprocated, but when they are, they are really nice – a cooked meal, a raked yard. I don’t know why, but that doesn’t bother me. He’s rather shy, and I think the gestures on my part have maybe helped him come out of his shell a little. But you know what? He hasn’t really said he’s sorry about my dad’s death. He’s listened to me talk about it a lot, but he’s not really made any efforts on his own to express sympathy.

I love my husband and my family devotedly. I also like him, and would like to continue our friendship. I just wish there was a way I could just turn off my feelings, and dare I say longing, for him. It’s getting painful and confusing. Maybe I would be better off by cooling this relationship down some? That just seems so hard right now.

I realize that I’m in a grieving period and a lot feels “off”, and while I feel comfort from my crush, I also feel like I’m spending too much energy on this and possibly hiding from myself. I would like to make some healthy steps here, but I don’t think I have the perspective to do so right now. Where do I start?

Thanks all.