Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with crush

Crush me once, shame on you. Crush me twice...

Anonymous — Sun, 09 Jun 2013 15:50:13 -0800

Fiancee admitted she took a crush too far. Again. Help us get past this. My fiancée (April) and I have been seeing each other for a year and a half, living together for the past year and engaged for the last six months. A few months before I proposed, one of my friends admitted that she had feelings for me and we fumbled our way into a drunken kiss. Nothing else physically happened between us but I continued to hang out with her one-on-one for a bit afterwards until I told her (via email) that I could no longer see her because the friendship was inappropriate. April was always suspicious of her intentions but I maintained that our friendship was innocent. I never told April about the kiss but she stumbled on the email a short time after I wrote it because she went to use my computer and my email program was already opened.

April was upset about how foolish I made her feel since her instincts were correct about the friendship/crush. She was also deeply hurt about the kiss and the fact that I never told her about it. I know that I acted selfishly and inappropriately; it was never my intent to fool her but that’s definitely what happened. I didn’t admit to her or myself when the friendship turned into a crush.

For the record, she said that she was not snooping for any evidence but she “couldn’t help herself” when she saw who the email was from.

It was rough for us after that but we talked a lot of things over and it seemed like we were in a good place. We got engaged a few short weeks later.

Almost immediately after we got engaged, she started work on an art project that took about two months to complete. She continued communicating with a member of the team for a while after the project had wrapped until I called her out on it. We went back and forth about this for about a month, with her maintaining that nothing was going on even though her behavior had noticeably changed (for example: keeping her phone with her at all times instead of casually leaving it out, as we used to do before her project ended). She eventually did admit that this team member had taken a liking to her, and while she didn’t feel the same way about him, she didn’t do anything to discourage his behavior because she liked the attention. She also said that she “purposely started acting suspicious” because that’s what I used to do when I was dealing with my crush situation and she wanted me to “feel like how she felt”.

More discussions. She still felt resentful about the mess with my friend. I could sense her resentment and withdrew emotionally and physically. This led to a nasty spiral that we had a lot of trouble getting out of. I also called her out on the “acting suspiciously” stuff because I do not want to deal with that game-playing stuff and she agreed that it was childish of her.

All of this was about a month, a month and a half ago. We had a series of long talks and I felt that things were better. We were communicating more, I was starting to feel more affectionate, and so on.

Cut to two weeks ago. April started working at a festival a short drive away and has experienced a wide array of stress related to that. It’s also the longest we’ve been apart since we met. Neither one of us anticipated how hard we would take the time apart.

There are only a few people there that are our age (late-20s) so she’s been hanging out with the handful of folks that are old enough to drink. I sensed that she wasn’t telling me everything about her interactions with one particular person. They seemed to be hanging out a lot but I didn’t say anything to her. However, one night she went to the movies “by herself” and called me immediately after the movie got out but she cut the conversation off after only a few minutes.

Yesterday, I went down for the night to visit. We went out to dinner and retired to our hotel room where I confronted her about the “friendship”. She admitted that she had developed a crush on this guy and had lied about going to the movies alone. She said that nothing physical happened between them but she had crossed “emotional boundaries”.

We spent the night talking. I asked if she wanted to just end things between us or try and figure out what’s going wrong and she wants to keep fighting for us.

She was very upset. I told her that I definitely crossed the line with my crush but that didn’t give her the right to walk the edge as she’s done with these two guys. She clearly has unresolved feelings about what happened with me and I’m ok to do whatever is necessary to work through those with her but I don’t want feel like I’m being continually punished.

She still has three days left until she returns home. Right now I feel angry, upset, hurt and emotionally drained.

As hurt as I am right now, I do want to try and make this work. Things have been quite amazing with her and she is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I’m not sure what to do when she comes back. We clearly need to resolve whatever the core issue is so we can get out of this spiral but I don’t know where to begin. We briefly mentioned couples therapy but I want to avoid that if at all possible. We’ve both had enough therapy for ten lifetimes.

Has anyone else been in a similar resentment/emotional detachment spiral with their partner and what techniques did you do to resolve it? What can we do to rebuild the trust between us? What can I do to avoid putting up emotional barriers when we talk about difficult topics? Any and all advice is appreciated.

I know they're nice, but they're not for me!

Anonymous — Thu, 06 Jun 2013 11:01:43 -0800

I'm in an amazing relationship, with someone I've known for over two years, and we've been dating for a year-ish. We're both women in our early 20's. I've only dated women up to this point, and been very happy with that. It seems that my brain doesn't want to keep that status quo anymore and is trying to convince me I want to experience being with men. I don't want to be with men. I don't like men as well as women, I prefer women sexually, and I love my girlfriend an extreme amount. We're very happy and healthy. I like the idea of being with men, and I had a good experience with the one guy I've seen (see next paragraph). I just know I'm happiest with her, and the few benefits of dating guys wouldn't make up for how much I care about her and how happy she makes me.

This doesn't bother me often. But the last time I had these urges, I ended up breaking it off with her abruptly, seeing the guy for a few weeks, and then ending that because it wasn't what I wanted. She took me back. I will not do that again. I don't want to break up ever, but I definitely won't break up with her for a stupid fling.

How do I ignore these feelings? I don't care that I'm sexually attracted to both genders. Not a big deal. The problem is that I start to think about men too much in what-if hypotheticals, and that makes me anxious. That anxiety makes me question the relationship in ways I wouldn't if I were thinking clearly. And then that leads to me distancing myself from my girlfriend. And then it snowballs.

I know I need to talk to someone about this, but I don't want to bring it up with her because of last time. I just need tips on how to rationalize this to myself and convince myself that this is not the end of the world that my brain wants me to think it is. And I do not want to break up with her.

How to get over this urequited crush or limerence?

sabina_r — Tue, 04 Jun 2013 04:11:53 -0800

I have had feelings for my thesis advisor for a number of years. He is very extroverted and charming and what I always thought were signs that he is interested in me, I now see that it's just his personality. He is in an on/off relationship with a woman with whom he has 2 children. I want to get rid of these feelings and don't know how. I see him nearly every day as we are involved in a number of projects together. This man has been very helpful and kind to me through my (part time) candidature. He has also helped with networking contacts and furthering my career. I wish I didn't have these feelings that I do.

Sometimes he is all I think about, other times I can get distracted with other things. At the back of my mind is always "what if?". There are no objective signs that he is romantically interested in me. He generally has very casual relationships with students and co-workers. He texts, writes late night jokey emails and shares a lot about his personal life. I mistook it for interest but now see that it is meaningless. I am pretty sure that he finds me physically attractive but with men, it doesn't mean much.

I also think that he is aware of my attraction but chooses to ignore it. He often does things that make it obvious of how little importance I am to him on the grand scale of things and I can't help but feel hurt. I manage to regain some rationality about the whole thing and the hurt passes over. But I don't want to dwell on this hopeless situation at all.

While professionally it is very good for me to stay where I am (even post completion of thesis), I can't help but feel that I need to move on from him by actually leaving this place and not seeing him anymore. Or is there a way to get rid of these feelings and keep working here?

The other part of it is that he occupied so much of my head space for so long, that I feel I have wasted so much time and the only way to justify it is to make something happen with him. This kind of sounds crazy, no?

My feelings for him don't stop me from dating others but I do compare how little I feel for the men I date to this man. I have this romantic notion that he will fall in love with me and we will live happily ever after.

Someone please snap me out of this delusion.

Was this an abnormal thing to do?

mermily — Mon, 27 May 2013 19:16:45 -0800

I asked my piano teacher to get coffee. Slightly after the fact I'm second guessing myself a bit. I have a sort of long term crush on my piano teacher (we are both grown. he is a graduate student). I think he might know already that I like him, but I thought I might ask him to do something anyway, so I did. I think I did it because I've liked him for a pretty long time (about a year) and I wanted some finality about it and also just because I like spending time with him. He's smart and nice (quite shy and a little dorky in a nice way) and it's fun to talk to him.

I had a piano lesson yesterday (Sunday) and I'd thought to myself that I'd ask him if he wanted to get an ice cream or something after. I sort of missed the boat on that, but I did ask him if he was doing anything for the holiday (today) and he said he couldn't really think of anything he was doing. So I emailed him this morning and told him essentially that I know it's a bit random, but I am going to be on campus returning library books and did he want to get a cup of coffee and I liked talking to him. Well, he didn't reply.

It doesn't feel like the end of the world, but I've been second guessing whether it was perhaps a weird thing to do. Like maybe you're not supposed to be so casual about it, or ask the same day, or something. I had kind of built an escape clause into the email by saying, "You must be super busy with writing your dissertation!" So I wasn't exactly sure why he didn't just reply, "Yes, I am super busy with writing my dissertation" so that everyone could save face.

Is this how normal people go about this?

You and me could write a Stage Romance... (Except that's a BAD IDEA!)

Anonymous — Sun, 19 May 2013 18:00:56 -0800

I have a crush on my stage partner. I know how bad an idea this is, but how do I keep it under control when I'm draped lovingly over him for half the show? Help me do my job without the temptation to, ahem, take work home with me? After 20 years in theater watching others fall victim to stage crushes, it's happened to me. I noticed this guy in the first rehearsal - he's the only other person of my culture in the cast, for one - and I thought I'd like to get to know him as a friend. As rehearsals progressed and the cast members all spent time chatting with each other, that's developed into a full-on crush. He seeks me out to talk to, so hopefully I will have a new friend at the end of the show, at least.

Then we were paired off by the director and things got kinda hopeless.

I've seen stage crushes and romances over the years. I know they're fairly common. It's easy to buy into the act you're trying to convey. I've seen people leave their spouses & kids for their stage partners, let alone single people hooking up. Occasionally the relationships last, but more often they crash and burn - and usually soon enough that the people involved then have to finish out the production run cozying up to their ex every night on stage. Unpleasant for the stage-couple, awkward for everyone around them. I worked out this was a Bad Idea years ago!

I determined early on that I'd do everything I could to avoid it happening to me. And so far that's worked. I have successfully resisted feeling any flicker of interest before now, despite the many gorgeous and lovely people I've been partnered with on stage over the years and the compliments I've received about my convincing stage rapport with my partners. This one, though... Oy vey!

I have butterflies in my stomach writing this question. I'm dreaming about him. I've got it bad. Worse than almost any time before - the last person I felt this strongly about was my husband when we met 15 years ago. So I'm just not used to dealing with this.

Husband and I have an open relationship, so in theory I could ask this guy out when we're not working together. I am NOT letting anything happen until the show is over, though. I don't even want to know if he's available or interested until then because I'm doing my best to view him as off-limits. It's easier to keep the "Not An Option" label on him if I don't know he's single, for example.

But we're dancing cheek to cheek and snuggling up for half our stage time. The director wants me on the prowl in the crowd scene, picking him and then all over him. And while part of me loves that, it's not helping when he pulls me close and smiles into my eyes and I'm thinking "I could take you backstage and jump you right now, my dear..." At least it's making the acting convincing?

Most of the advice I've seen for getting over crushes involves staying away from the object of affection, but that's not an option here. Our job is to convince the audience we're wild about each other. We've got well over a month until the production's over.

The other advice I've usually seen is "picture him doing something really gross" but I worked in healthcare for years and biology just doesn't repulse me. (Things like vile bigotry do, but we've talked enough I know that's not an issue.)

So how do I keep the feelings under control while I'm supposed to be conveying them on stage every night? Help me get over it so I can do my damn job - which is acting like I adore him?

I'm a lesbian crushing on a man. What now?

Autumn — Sat, 11 May 2013 20:44:12 -0800

I'm a lesbian who's recently found herself crushing on a man. Does this mean anything? Has anyone been through this? I guess it's usually the other way around. I've known him for six months, recently confessed to wanting to sleep with him, we did it and I wasn't as grossed out as I have been with my previous experiences with men. It makes no fucking sense.

I also confessed to liking him, but he's not interested in that and we've agreed to stop sleeping together. So I guess it isn't as much about him as it is... what the heck? I don't understand it. My whole identity is wrapped up in being a lesbian, I've never been attracted to men sexually. But I found myself staring at his arms, his body, getting turned on and things of that sort. No other guy, just him. I don't have a desire to start dating men again, because if I did end up with a man it would turn my entire life, my identity, my community upside down. I've struggled so much to be accepted as a lesbian among friends and family, and if I suddenly had a boyfriend I would undo all that progress.

At the same time I believe in being myself first and foremost; I feel like I'm in one of those lesbian movies where the girl falls for another girl but tells her she can't be with her because she "just can't be gay." Except with me, I feel like I "just can't be straight." Really, I don't want to be straight, I don't want to be bi, I've been a lesbian my entire life and I don't want to relearn Who I Am. I remember how difficult it was to even be accepted into the community back when I was pretending to be Bi. I don't want to lose my sense of self.

But I also don't want to live a lie, and if this is A Thing, part of me wants to explore it. But at the same time I've dated men, I wasn't into them sexually, I was only into women and it was an issue. I've also done the "sleep with random men" and I wasn't into that either. So "exploring" this just seems like taking a step backwards that will just lead to heartache more than anything.

I guess I just need help trying to process this. I'm very involved in the queer community, and lately I feel like an imposter.

Obsessed With a Friend

Anonymous — Tue, 07 May 2013 14:08:51 -0800

I've been married for 9 years and have been faithful in every way. I recently became close with a member of the opposite sex who I truly value as a friend. But I find myself thinking about this person way too much, and I am not sure how to deal with it. I am not going to cheat on my partner, and this friend is also friends with my spouse and I know they would never act on any feelings they may or may not have.

I became friends with this person about a year ago, and slowly I realized there was a connection between us that has become a true and deep friendship, which is great and unexpected at this stage in my life, except for the fact that for the past month or so I can't seem to stop thinking about this person.

My question is how to get this person off my mind, because it's eating up a surprising amount of my time. Thinking about this person makes me happy, but I want to find a way to stop because I feel like I'm not in control of my own feelings and it's actively making it hard for me to concentrate on other things.

What advice would you give me if there might still be a chance?

uberkrn — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 01:14:10 -0800

I’ve had a small crush on a co worker that later turned into a pretty big one. It’s gotten to the point where I couldn’t get her off my mind and it was hard focusing on school work. I’m 25 and haven’t had much dating experience. In my younger years, middle school throughout high school, I had self esteem issues with being overweight and then with acne. I’ve come here seeking advice from a wide verity of experiences of both genders. I found a similar case to mine on here and found the answers very useful so I hope to get great advice from this community. I apologize in advance for a long winded background story but I wanted to make sure I get enough information out to aid you guys. Background:

The small crush began a few months after she moved from out of state and started working where I worked. She’s 23 with a 7 year old son. Over the next 2 years it grew substantially. It kind of seemed like she had a crush on me. The first time we went to the movies with friends, she just sat next to me. We would talk here and there; at work or on facebook(boarder lining flirting at times but maybe not, I’m clueless). From the beginning she would always say hi to me at work when we first see each other but strangely she rarely said bye. At group activities with friends, she would always advert her attention to me when I was trying to talk. I figured her saying hi and this behavior was because she was new in the state and she was just being friendly.

Unfortunately, our jobs as student hires were coming to an end due to budget cuts on a military base. On the second last Sunday of work, I noticed that during the down time at work she didn't really talk to anyone and looked like she was thinking a lot. My buddy J was at the register next to her but they didn't really talk. I don't think she was mad at him because we all went to his place later for game night. On breaks, she would come to my register and get her food and we have a little chat every time. That day she didn't have much make-up on and had a Santa hat and red sweater. That night at J's, she kind of dressed up, did her hair and had make up. Two of my buddies were saying that most of the night she had her attention on me. I didn't do anything about it; I think I should have though. At the time, my mind set was that there’s no way she’d go out with me. A few others also noticed it too because on the last day of work, we went to Dave n Busters for our friend M’s birthday party. J and M were talking about how it seemed that she has a thing for me because of game night the week before and suggested to do something. It was a bit awkward because there were two couples and then there me and her. During the night she would be at my side while playing games at times. But I never made any moves.

Later on the night, J drank quite a few and kept telling me that I needed her in my life and how I need to get in that s*** (his exact words haha). Well at one point, she was right behind him facing the opposite direction and J's loud mouth blabbered on about that so I think she heard. When he said that I just basically just turned around and walked the other way. I feel like I handled that immaturely to be honest.

I feel like since then she's been keeping her distance because on New year’s, she would hang around J's girlfriend most of the night when we went to 16th street mall. My friend K was saying it’s because J had a friend from Spain that he had to keep company and that's why she hung around J's girlfriend to keep her company because that's what girls do I guess. On the last day of work she invited me and some friends to go see The Hobbit so the next day we all went and saw it. Same thing happened, she seemed distant. I talked to K about this whole thing and suggested that I go ask her to coffee and then ask her out. I had a plan to ask her a few questions over the phone about something then bring up getting some coffee. Unfortunately, I felt like there was something wrong about it and just didn’t feel right so I froze right before asking her for coffee. A few days later, as a last resort thing to ask her out, I invited her, J’s gf, and K and his girlfriend to an event that my and my friends participate in for Capoeira. I honestly didn’t expect her and J’s gf to come but they all did. By the end of it, I decided not to ask her out that night for some reason.

At that time, she was just finishing her ‘last semester’ and it was time for her to start her internship. The internship was the last part required for her to graduate. She told me that she had to work roughly 40 hours a week and on top of that she has to take care of her son. Her internship lasted about 12 weeks. During this time, I hadn’t seen her or even chatted with her on facebook; except for the occasional comments on statuses. Obviously she was busy with her internship so I didn’t expect much. In March, I had a little birthday get together and invited her. She said she’d go if her mom could watch her kid. Her mom works for the store we worked at but she stocks so she works the night shift. Fortunately, there was a blizzard that day and the store closed and she was able to make it that night. It kind of seemed like it God planned for her to come haha. Something that was in the back of my mind is that on the night of Dave and Busters, I saw her mom working. I assume that maybe she left her kid asleep at home and went out or perhaps she found a babysitter at the last minute. I was thinking maybe she didn’t have as much effort to come as she did that DnB night? I know to never assume, it makes you look like an ass.

Something that might be worth mentioning is that she posted something about where are all the single guys in this state. On my birthday my aunt comment on my status saying how at 25, my dad had me and if I would be ready to start a family now. I said no, I have to finish school first. She commented on that status as well so she knows that I want to focus on school before even getting into a relationship. Since then, she hasn’t mention anything about wanting to find single guys or what not.

Now it has been about four months since that game night and she’s graduated and now works at the place she interned. This is good news for me because in the past she mentioned of moving to another city after she graduates.

My friend T analyzed my situation nicely and has really opened my eyes. He told me that I should’ve asked her out the night at Dave and Busters and now would be a little too late. So he suggested I ask her to get coffee. I think this time would be perfect since we hadn’t seen each other in awhile so we can catch up. I managed to find the courage to text her to get coffee two weeks ago. I basically told her that I missed talking to her face and asked if she’d like to get coffee the next week. She responded by saying she misses me and said she has to check her schedule but unfortunately she had to work till 8 all week. So I told her that whenever she has time and if she still wants to get coffee to let me know and hopefully it won’t conflict with my classes. She asked for my schedule and she said that we might have to do this when her son leaves to go visit some family. I didn’t ask her when that might be but I assume when school get out. As mentioned before, I pretty much hadn’t done anything to show her that I’m interested. I was hoping that this coffee thing would show that I am interested. She did mention that a friend/old co worker also asked her to get coffee. L is married and is a strong Christian. I thought to myself that by her mentioning this kind of dumbed down my intentions? My friend T’s opinion is that maybe she wants something more than coffee. He says to still go do coffee but ask her out then. She and I are in a little walking dead chat with a few of our friends and recently we’ve been talking on there like before so that’s good. Maybe it’s because I showed her some interest by asking her to coffee?

I want to first see how the coffee goes and if it good, I guess I’ll just ask her out. When the time come to asking her, I’ve thought about just straight out asking her out on a date for dinner at some sushi restaurant. T suggested asking what kind of food she likes and go on from there.

So what do you think? What advice would you give me? Do you think my chances are gone? Am I friend zoned? Do you think she is keeping her distance or I'm just over thinking? Think she's doing it for a reason because maybe she thinks she’s in the friend zone with me? Or was she giving me space due to my reaction to what J said at DnB?

Thank you in advance for reading such a novel haha.

Do you like me or what?

thank you silence — Sun, 07 Apr 2013 10:20:22 -0800

I kinda think the dude likes me but I'm not sure and I'm tired of waiting to find out There's a guy I've known for several years but just recently, like within the past year, we've become pretty close. He lives in another state but calls me every weekend, sometimes more than once a day, and our phone conversations last for about three hours. We talk about our philosophy on dating, marriage, childrearing, and everything in between. We make each other laugh and confide in one another. We talk about poop on the reg, which to me is the sign of ultimate trust. When he's home we go for runs together, eat lunch together, and sometimes I make dinner and he comes over and we watch TV. Nothing physical has ever happened.

This is all fine and good, but my problem is that I'm an all or nothing sort of person. If we're having marathon conversations about life and doing couple-y things together, then I want us to be a couple. If he doesn't want that then fine, but I can't do this relationship purgatory thing where we're sort of dating but not really.

I plan on making this clear the next time we talk. Say something like, "hey, I really like talking to you and spending time with you, but it's getting to the point where I feel like we're more than friends and I'm starting to expect more from you than just being your friend." And then be willing to dial the friendship way back if he does not feel the same way.

But, as modern as I like to think I am, I still subscribe to the notion that if a guy wants to date you, he will make that very clear. I know no one here can tell me what he's thinking and feeling, but any advice would be appreciated. Should I just relax and let things unfold, or should I take the initiative and be straightforward?

I'll be honest, I would love to be pursued. I would love for it to be his idea that we date, but I also don't want to sit around and invest more emotional energy into this thing while I wait for him to decide...

How to tell an übergeek about the enormous crush I have for him?

Lizard — Wed, 03 Apr 2013 15:38:36 -0800

I am finally asking MetaFilter for advice about my love life... I find myself recently single after the only relationship I thought I'd ever have came crashing to a sudden and spectacular halt. (I'm okay - thanks for asking.)

After a long winter of getting over it I am pretty sure I'm ready to let the chips fall where they may and fall spectacularly in love with someone new. Sensibly, I've come to the conclusion that if I *do* pair up with anyone again, he must be super awesome.

Luckily, I happen to know of a super awesome guy!

But...

A few years ago my very best friend went out with him. Although I've never met him in person, we conversed extensively as friends during their relationship. After they split we still chatted from time to time, but since we didn't have my BFF in common anymore the chats became few and far between then stopped altogether. Anyhow. The fact that this lovely geek guy dated my BFF is not the complicating factor. I am certain that if (by some miracle) he and I were to become an item, she would feel nothing but happy for us both. Cause she's just that cool.

The complicating factors lay elsewhere and are, well, complicated. I will do my very best to keep this brief.

1. We've never met in person, and there will likely never be opportunity to do so unless I were to become a freaky stalker (not my style). He lives on the West Coast USA and I split my time between Toronto and Rural Southwestern Ontario.

2. It has been a good while since we talked about anything personal, and I'm not sure if he is even single or not. I did have a chance to email him recently asking for advice in his field of expertise (he is practically a household name in Internet Security). The advice he gave me got me thinking good things about how to plan for the digital safety of my new company which just made me crush harder!

The only possible in that I have is the fact that I haven't emailed him back to thank him for all his excellent advice.

So.. can I/should I include with the thank you note, some sort of grand confession telling him that I think he's absolutely adorable, that he has one of the most complex and interesting minds *ever*, and that I would really like to find a way to see if we could meet and find out if we have any kind of IRL chemistry?

Is this something that you write up in a friendly email, hit the send button, hold your breath, and hope for the best?

How the hell do I manage this? HOPE ME!

Bonus factor: He is a MeFite! So if he sees this, he will know that he is the geek of whom I speak.

(If it turns out that he has a girlfriend, things will be very awkward indeed. Worth the risk? Probably.)

Clinginess mode: Activated

cucumber patch — Wed, 27 Feb 2013 02:35:08 -0800

The age-old "crush on teacher" dilemma: I'm getting too attached to my TA and it needs to stop. How can I dial it back while maintaining a friendly, professional relationship? Background: I'm early-mid 20s, female; he's late 20s, male. I don't want to divulge too many details, so I'll just say that he oversees the clinical training of a small group of students within my year, and I'm in that group.

Previous groups he's tutored have raved about how awesome he is, and that he's the best supervisor out there. We've had him a few weeks and I can already see why: he's engaging, compassionate, competent, super-smart, and goes the extra mile to make sure we learn as much as possible in our precious weekly sessions (by giving out handouts, asking lots of questions, giving us insider tips etc.). I'm screwed because authority figures like this hit my buttons and hit them hard.

He added all of us on Facebook last week, which I initially thought was weird, but apparently he's done that in previous years in order to create discussion/feedback groups. (I don't know if that was his intention this year -- he hasn't set anything up yet.) He also messaged me asking about one of my hobbies, I messaged back, a conversation started up, and since then we've been chatting almost every day.

I think it's platonic on his end and maybe he's just super-friendly, although I get the sense that he might be a little bored and lonely (other than teaching us, he works long hours most days, and I can't imagine that someone with a busy social life would be messaging so frequently). I don't really care what his motives are -- or at least that's what I'm trying to tell myself. My main concern is that our conversations were a mild amusement in the beginning, but now it's almost an addiction for me. I feel relieved when I get a reply and I have that slightly anxious, waiting feeling for all the time in between. I haven't managed to muster the motivation to tactfully disengage, partly because I don't know how and ... partly because I just don't want to.

The boy I liked recently started dating another girl in my class, so I'm fresh off a rejection and extremely vulnerable to validation right now. I knew I was really screwed when we had our latest session -- I was off my game because I was hypersensitive to every interaction, and irrationally jealous of my clinical partner (also female) for knowing all the answers to his questions. I mention 'female' just to say that there's definitely a romantic component to it, but I don't think I'd actually want to be romantically involved with him. (Not that that would be even viable while we're still TA and student.) I think I just really need his validation, in a way that's becoming unhealthy. He's going to be our supervisor for the rest of this year, so I'm really going to need to nip this in the bud.

Steps I'm taking so far:

-- Getting a discussion group going on FB. I want to encourage communication between my supervisor and the other group members -- as far as I'm aware I'm the only one who's been in contact with him outside clinic hours, and I'm the only one who has his number (and he mine). Even though this secretly pleases me, I am uncomfortable being his sole spokesperson, and I do get lightly (if harmlessly?) teased by classmates whenever I tell them "he said he'd be late" etc. The last thing I want is to foster gossip about favoritism, or worse things.

-- Meeting more people outside my field. I went to a meetup the other day and it was a totally different crowd with dateable cute guys. I think doing this regularly will help me a lot.

-- Trying to talk to him less. This is difficult because 1) I genuinely enjoy talking to him, 2) I cannot stand unread messages (the red notification number! argh!), and 3) whenever I'm quiet for a bit he'll gently prod the conversation along, and sometimes ask where I've gone. This is the step I need the most help with. Is there a way to wean off contact without making him think something's wrong? Should I just talk about this issue (the unprofessional aspect, not romantic) directly with him? And if so: how?

Asked Out A Friend. Rejected. Now What?

christiehawk — Mon, 04 Feb 2013 23:02:59 -0800

About a month ago I asked about how to flirt with a friend. Well, I asked her out, and got rejected. Now I want to know how to deal with it. About a month ago I asked this question, and the overwhelming response was to ask her out. Well, it took me about a month, but after much mixed signals and attempts at trying to get her attention, today I just cut to the chase and asked her to grab coffee with me. After some small talk and a few awkward silences I eventually said that I'd really been enjoying hanging out with her and that she's really cool, and asked her if she'd ever want to go on a date. She said she didn't think we should date. I have no clue what that means and I didn't pressure her to delve into what that means or why she doesn't want to. I told her it was cool and I still wanted to be friends, and she asked if we could still hang out. She was really nice about it and let me down easy and stayed and talked after about random stuff. Overall it went about as well as it could have. Obviously though, it wasn't my desired outcome.

I'm still kind of...numb. I don't know how I'm going to feel. I'm oscillating between feeling good for doing it, feeling numb from the release of all the built up stress, and tears over the fact that I can't have her and the sting of rejection.

I guess...I'm just looking for tips on how to handle this and not fall into a self destructive spiral. Being gay does not help, as the saying "plenty of fish in the sea" is just not that applicable. And it really sucks because I really clicked with her and found her to be a very decent human being. We get along so well, so it just kills me.

I have never once stated my attraction for someone until today and I'm 28. (Long story of coming out and such.) I just don't want to get super cynical and bitter.

Any tips or advice would be gladly appreciated.

Help me at least TRY to flirt with my friend

christiehawk — Mon, 31 Dec 2012 04:21:05 -0800

Seeing as how I was an utter failure at my LAST crush, I’m determined to do things differently and boy do I want to move on from that nightmare. Help me figure out how to do it. Mini backstory – 28 year old lesbian just starting to come out (it’s been a little over a year) and navigate dating and flirting with intent. Very slim dating history with guys, and they did all the work anyway. Still have not been with a girl. Making a first move scares the *%@# out of me. Being single for so long is beginning to really wear on me - I'm increasingly lonely and it makes rejection all the worse.

I’ve recently been hanging out with someone that I’ve known for a little more than a year. She is also a lesbian. We hadn’t really hung out one on one much or anything, and she got into a fight with some of my friends and they all had a falling out, which led to me kind of avoiding her a bit. Not being mean to her or anything like that, just not really engaging her. I didn’t know her very well at the time anyway, so it wasn’t like I was ditching her or something. Recently though she has moved into my town and we have more mutual friends.

She reached out to me to hang out a couple times and I accepted and we had fun. Mostly in groups and such. But recently we’ve been in touch/hanging out a bit more, mainly with other friends, and both initiating plans. And wouldn’t you know it, I’m kinda crushing on her. It’s probably because I always had a seed of a crush/attraction to her, and I guess the fact that she was suddenly hitting me up a lot, and then us having a few deep conversations about our mutual friends, made that grow into a regular crush.

So, what are some things I can do to steer this in a more romantic direction before I suddenly get lost in friend-ville and am doomed to suffer there for all eternity? This is pretty much all just starting so I have a fresh slate to work with here. There's good signs and bad signs from her end, and she's kind of hard to read at the moment. I probably am too.

I am suspicious of a friend of hers that she seems to be texting a lot, and that is giving a huge blow to my confidence here. I know she’s not dating her or in a serious relationship, and she might just be friends with her, but the thought that she might be interested in someone else destroys my resolve and is upsetting me more than I thought it would (whoops, guess my crush is bigger than I thought). I guess I’ll find out about that soon enough. And if she IS into someone else and hasn’t really thought of me that way, is it possible to spark an attraction in her?

I guess some people are going to say "ask her on a date." And that's a possibility, but I guess I'd like to see if I can make this a bit...smoother. I feel like the timing is not right to just ask her out just yet and it would be a little awkward, especially since we started out on the friends foot. I guess I want to gauge or provoke interest a bit more, if possible.

I've been doing a bit more than with my last crush, and we communicate better so I'm a bit more confident. I’ve been trying to do the eye contact thing. Today I mentioned something that made me think of her while I was with family for Christmas. I am going to try to hang out with her one on one more. Any other brilliant ideas? The problem is that when it’s another girl it’s always kind of hazy because you can think YOU’RE being flirty and the other person thinks you’re just being friendly. The thing is, it’s so hard for me to be direct with flirting. Guess I’m just wondering if anyone has any great ideas on how the progression should be, or even if there’s any other lesbians out there with anecdotes about what they did or do in this type of situation.

Are my concerns valid/ Should I just ask him out?

Anonymous — Wed, 26 Dec 2012 07:56:18 -0800

I want to ask a guy out. I have some concerns and am wondering if I shouldn't. Please give me your advice. I've developed a crush on one of my coworkers. I may leave my seasonal job soon, and when I do, I'd like to ask him out. I don't know him well at all right now, but I'd like to get to know him. But I have some concerns:

1) He's probably younger than me and while I don't know him well, I think we are in different places in life in terms of school and where we're headed in the next few years. I'm early 20s, he's late teens. This is my biggest concern.
(If I don't expect this to be a LTR, does this matter?)

2) We don't seem to have a lot in common on surface.. we have no mutual friends, didn't go to school together, are different ethnicities. People tend to date those they are similar to, right? I don't have much dating experience... but dating seems easiest with people you already know?

Despite these concerns, I'd really like to ask him out. I'd like to note, this is the first time I feel bold enough to even consider asking a guy out! If he's also interested, I think it would be fun going out together.

Should I hold my tongue, or ask a guy out for the first time?? Please do let me know if you think this is a bad idea.

He likes me. He likes me not. Solutions?

dubious_dude — Sun, 23 Dec 2012 16:47:52 -0800

Unrequited crush...or is it? So, to keep this brief and simple as possible, I'm seeking a solution. I'm gay and work at a retail store (technology-oriented). About a month ago, I met a guy at the store (out of pure happenstance; asked him if he needed help). For some reason, we hit it off. Talked for about an hour about random things (okay, maybe I wasn't exactly doing my job!). He asked me how old I was, among a few other seemingly personal questions (particularly about my Deafness; he's hearing). He said something that had dirty innuendo to me and winked, but then proceeded to ask if I had a girlfriend. Despite that odd blip in conversation, we had a really good conversation and exchanged numbers.

On text, he texted me almost everyday, and we had some long and interesting conversations. He specifically asked for me at my store, asking me if I was going to be in, etc. This went on for a few weeks, up to one night when he asked me if I was gay or bisexual. After telling him my sexual orientation, he admitted he wasn't sure if he was suppressing his sexuality or the possibility that he was gay/bi, and that he would kiss a man if he wanted to...but also explained he knew he liked women. I told him he was free to experiment and that there was no pressure. We moved on from that topic, and then he came in my store one more time, saying he'd bring his friend to meet me the upcoming weekend. Well, after that visit (whereas nothing unusual happened), our friendship went onto freeze mode. He stopped texting me, stopped talking to me, and only gave short responses on text, if he responded at all. Frankly, it was really weird how all of a sudden he seemed to "forget" about me.

The solution I'm seeking is the best way to approach this situation. I felt a vibe between us, and had a crush on him. He's so smart, so nice and sweet, and just somehow triggered feelings inside me that I didn't know I had. Realistically, I know things probably won't work out because: a) he loves music and writes songs; I'm Deaf so music is definitely not something I have any knowledge about; b) we don't have much in common other than being intellectuals; and c) he's straight/curious... but the "deep freeze" mode has left me perturbed and confused, and I want to at least have some kind of closure, and know where we stand, and see if I did something wrong or if it's just him (going through a hard time or something).

Another factor to consider: he's 20; I'm 26. Both males, he's hearing, me Deaf. I don't think my Deafness had to do with it, because he seemed interested in me up until the freeze. (And he never brought his friend to meet me.)

Any concrete solutions for this problem would be great. I want to get down to the bottom of this.

Thanks, and Happy Holidays/Merry Christmas!

How can I turn him down without crushing him?

chocolatemilkshakes — Fri, 14 Dec 2012 22:18:25 -0800

How can I avoid leading a guy on when he won't come out and state his attraction? I have an aquaintence who has been showing increasingly obvious signs of attraction to me. I guess you could say we are friend. We are friendly, but we haven't really shared enough time/experiences together for me to consider us real friends yet. He's a nice guy, very generous, and I enjoy hanging out with him sometimes. But there's no chemistry for me in a romantic sense.

Anyways, although I've been pretty sure he liked me for awhile, lately he's been dropping super obvious hints, and I actually overheard him tell someone else that he is very romantically interested in me. My issue that I come to you for advice is, he isn't saying anything to me directly, nor asking me anything directly. So I can't give him a kind but firm no thanks - because he hasn't ever told me that he is interested in a relationship, even though it's clear that's what he's hoping for.

The thing is he has super low self-esteem. I don't know if he's ever been in a relationship before. He always is making deroggatory comments about his looks, his weight, etc. and always saying I can't get women because _______ fill in the blank with some self deprecating comment. I generally will say, that's just not true and you know it. Although lately I just kind of ignore it. I also refuse to give some sort of compliment when he says these things, although I feel like that is what he wants. I feel like it's re-inforcing a maladaptive behavior and teaching him that the way to get compliments or feel better about yourself is to put yourself down in front of other people. He also seems to have a feeling that he is an outsider or something.

Anyways, I get the feeling that he is staking a lot on me and the hopes that I return his romantic feelings. I get the feeling he is going to be super crushed if he finds out I'm just not interested. Trust me, I'm not saying that in a self inflated way, honestly he doesn't hardly know me, so any great stock he is putting in me is just his imaginary creation that he thinks is me.

Anyways, I kind of tend to be super nice, like in a fluffy way - especially with people I am not super close with. I just laugh a lot and am not very confrontational. Sometimes I think people interpret that as us connecting really well or something. I often get this experience where I will hang out with someone a few times, and they will suddenly think we are way closer/better friends than we are yet. I guess I often say things like - "this was super fun we should hang out again," or just generally have a good time and express that, and then it is interpretted as a cue to move forward in the friendship more than I intended. It's not that I dislike hanging out with these people, I'm serious when I say I'm having fun. Yet I guess I sort of give off a we're best friends vibe, when that's not the case. That explaination to say, I think the same thing is sort of happening with him, I think I am giving off a vibe that indicates more interest than is true. So I'm worried about stringing him along, and don't want to put him through needless pain.

He has never asked me out or told me he likes me, it's all sort of passive. He does ask me to do things, but there is usually an excuse - "Oh, I'm trying to write this song, but I don't play any instruments, and I know you're a guitarist, I was wondering if you could come over and help me write out the music." "I just bought a dog. Do you want to bring your poodle to that dog park in town, and help me train my chiuaua. I don't know how to train a dog." Lately he's invited me to some social things too.

How can I avoid sending him interested signals while still accepting some of his invitations and being a friend? If he doesn't want to be friends if I'm not romantically interested, that's fine too, I understand. But right now I guess I feel like if I keep being friends with him he is taking it as a sign that I'm interested.

Also, clouding my ability to know how to send uninterested signals, I very recently was on the other side of a really intense unreturned crush, and realize I wasn't the most mature well adjusted adult in that situation, I'm sure I probably made the object of my affection feel uncomfortable, and also was super insecure. Although the circumstances were different, I definitely feel like a huge hypocrite and a bit guilty because I didn't give the guy I liked a whole lot of respect for his obvious prerogative to not return the sentiment. So now I feel guilty because I expect the guy that's starry eyed for me to respect my prerogative not to be interested in him : /

Also, how can I turn down invitations without making excuses? Is it ok to just say, no I don't want to go eat, no I don't feel like hanging out with you? Is that mean? I don't know if I currently am even able to say, no I don't want to. When I don't want to do things or feel uncomfortable doing them, I generally try to think up a valid excuse...I'm pretty busy so I usually have one. But I know that's not a very mature way of handling things.

Thanks in advance!

Crush with eyeliner

Anonymous — Wed, 05 Dec 2012 16:40:31 -0800

Could this all-consuming crush be due to either thyroid or peri-menopause hormones or something else besides a bolt of lightning? So I have a great, 10-year long, relationship with my best friend (we're both female). In the past couple of years we've become even closer and 5 days ago, I developed a massive crush on her. It's bad. I think about her all day and night, play scenarios out in my head, talk to myself in my car about her, started a playlist (I told you it was bad!), etc. I've also got insomnia something bad which is unusual for me.

The crush part is actually ok and I'm enjoying the ride. There's no way I can ever breathe a word of it to her since we are both in crappy marriages and, more importantly, she has said she doesn't think she could become a lesbian (in talks unrelated to how much I want to kiss her). But I think I can maintain some semblance of pride and dignity until it goes away. Except for the times when I feel like I want to throw up from the overwhelmingness of it all.

Which brings me to my question, why did it start to begin with? I've always been somewhat attracted to her (as I am to most of my friends) and I've had some dreams about her throughout the years. And I love her most of any of the adults in my life. But when I woke up from those dreams in the past, I thought, "that's silly because I don't find her attractive in *that* way" (although I find other women very attractive in that way).

This happened in an instant and I can't seem to turn it off. Some things I'm thinking about are peri-menopause (I think I'm having signs, haven't talked to my doctor yet) or thyroid levels. I had my thyroid out about 14 months ago and am still in the process of adjusting my levels.

The peri-menopause stuff I'm reading describes personality changes in the opposite direction: depression, anger, etc. so I was wondering if anyone else had this type of reaction instead.

It just seems so overwhelming and uncontrollable that it's made me wonder if there is a chemical or hormonal imbalance going on. I feel almost like I'm manic but I'm not bi-polar or depressed at all (and I know those signs too well - see "crappy marriage" above). But I'm walking around whistling and snapping my fingers at work and just have the biggest smile all the time. Does this set off red flags with anyone? Is there something serious I should be thinking about here?

throwaway account: crushwitheyeliner2012@gmail.com if you have questions

Men are simple creatures, right?

Anonymous — Sun, 25 Nov 2012 11:45:09 -0800

He's just not that into you, yadda yadda yadda... or is he? I know the rules. Blah blah blah. But I'm not sure they make sense here.

I developed a massive crush on a guy that I see every day, we have classes together and study together (mostly his choice), and occasionally go out for a few beers (usually with others). For the first couple of weeks, I thought it was reciprocal, as all the signs were there - lots of eye contact, always wanting to be near me/contact me, blah blah blah, and then we went out for some drinks with friends, all signs were go that we were going to drunkenly head home together, and then he said, "I'm going home now," hugged me and headed off in the other direction (leaving me to wait for a cab by myself... special). This happened again, after we kissed in a bar (very drunkenly). We are mid-20s adults, in graduate school. Day to day, nothing has really changed -- he's single, I'm single, we're friends, we hang out, we laugh, he tries to be near me, I've caught him checking me out, we went out on a pseudo-date one night, but what the hell is going on? We've been doing this for several months now. My first theory was that he was getting over another girl, second theory was that he's inexperienced, and now I'm trying to figure out whether I should continue to pursue the crush, or find a way to move on while still seeing him every day. Is he scared? Am I stupid?

I have a crush on another woman. What do I do?

Anonymous — Mon, 19 Nov 2012 15:44:12 -0800

I (female) am developing a crush on one of the pottery instructors at the drop-in I've started going to. We're both in our mid-late twenties (she's slightly younger), and have chatted a little with one another, but not much about personal stuff. I would like to get to know her better, but I have no experience dating women, and no idea how to find out whether she's gay/bi and possibly interested - or whether this might be ill-advised given that she's there in a professional capacity. I'm super shy, and scared of making her uncomfortable by being more friendly (we're in Canada, and I'm European, so not totally in sync with local customs either). Help?

Mountain out of a molehill: is this great crush-guy gay?

Anonymous — Thu, 01 Nov 2012 15:41:18 -0800

This Question Makes Me Feel Silly: I like him, think he likes me. . .but I honestly can't tell whether or not he's gay. Need advice on how best to handle clearing this up. As I said, this question makes me feel silly. I'm adult enough to know that the only real answer is honest communication, but am looking for some advice and feedback about methods.

Me: Mid-twenties lady, gainfully employed, in a "single and figuring myself out" period, history of troublesome relationships (romantic and friendships) and anxiety/depression but doing very well right now.

Him: Mid-twenties but slightly older, gainfully employed, great and hilarious in all ways.

We: Met through my work, although we don't work together. See each other at least once a week. Interact a lot through social media and texting. When we see each other, much laughing and feeling-of-best-selves-around-each-other ensues.

The problem: I can tell very well that he is interested in getting to know me, likes to be around me, etc. That's not in question. What is in question is the tenor of interest, more precisely whether he is even interested in women.

When I first met him I assumed he was gay (mostly, I'm ashamed to say, because of his very stylish clothing), then came away from our first conversation thinking "wow, it really felt like that gay guy was hitting on me". It's not just the clothing, though: he also obviously has a history of LGBT activism and is involved in the gay community in some ongoing way. (That much gleaned from Facebook.)

Stupid methods like asking my friends if he sets off their gaydar and snooping through his Facebook have been unrewarding (karmically enough for being so stupid) -- absolutely NO evidence of ANY sexual orientation is to be found on his web presence, and friends end up splitting 50-50. I have also done the thing where I drop hints/talk about my OWN relationship history, and it does seem that he feels awkward when I mention having exes or crushes on dudes or whatever.

I've been continuing on under the assumption that this will work itself out in time, but as my attraction to him grows more intense and we grow closer, this begins to feel more urgent. Obviously the only way out is through and I've got to have some kind of come-to-Jesus conversation here.

I'm aware that a) whatever his orientation is, there are WAY more than two possibilities here. He could be gay, straight and interested, straight but not interested romantically, bisexual, asexual, or any number of things! and b) that whatever his orientation is, he is a person who is clearly a bit more on the reserved side when it comes to personal information.

I usually trust my perception of people, but sometimes I come away from talking to him thinking "HOO BOY he is so into me" and sometimes "I love my new friend who is obviously gay!".

I'm also aware that the question is not "what his sexual orientation" but rather "does he want to date me or not", but I worry that if I make a move I will be hideously embarrassed because he will have thought it was obvious that he was gay and it will make our friendship (/our work connections) awkward.

Like I said, this question makes me feel silly. I want to somehow get some clarity and honesty in this regard, in a way that is appropriate to the somewhat-sensitive nature of the question and also to the genuine respect and affection I have for him as a new friend.

So far what I've come up with is "get drunk and shout ARE YOU GAY OR WHAT BECAUSE I REALLY LIKE YOU." :-)

(Yep, astute MeFites will have noticed the "history of anxiety/depression" and "troubled relationships", leading to the conclusion that I like many anxious people am attracted to unavailability because it's "safe". You'd be right! But I am working very hard to get past that and, in fact, this feels more real and he feels more available than anything/one has in a long time. It feels really good. But it's part of why I feel I need to tread really lightly on this, for his sake but also for my own.)

Throwaway e-mail: no.relational@gmail.com

Thank you, wise MeFites!

I need music that says, "Make a move on me already!"

araisingirl — Tue, 30 Oct 2012 20:33:46 -0800

Songs that say--"hey, come and get it already!" I'm looking for songs with lyrics along the lines of telling someone to hurry up and make a move on you already.

I love alternative, hip-hop/rap, metal, classic rock. I love songs with female singers and would love sexy, "come and get it" type recommendations. Not a huge fan of pop music unless it is exceedingly well done. The song that always pops into my head for this is Weezer's "I Want You To," but I find it pretty annoying unfortunately.

Oh, what a mess.

Anonymous — Sun, 07 Oct 2012 07:03:15 -0800

Supposed to be getting married to my long-term girlfriend, developing feelings for someone else, unsure of how to proceed. I've been with my girlfriend for more than five years, we've lived together for about four, and we're set to get married in a few months (we're in our late 20s). The planning process has been stressful for me, in part because I am not particularly interested in having a wedding, and am not entirely sure that I am so into the idea of marriage as an institution. That said, I do love my girlfriend very much, and imagining a future together doesn't fill me with dread or anything like that. In fact, it feels very comfortable.

Having been together for so long, though, we've been in kind of a low-passion place for the last couple years, and the stress of wedding-planning has led to a lot of arguments (many about our future, i.e. whether or not we have one) and near-break-ups. A lot of these result from her sensitivity to my detachment about/disinterest in the whole event, which honestly comes more from a place of being overwhelmed by the idea of dealing with any of the logistics than anything else. There are times that going through with the wedding seems unthinkable, especially during the aforementioned fights, but then there are times when I feel like it'll all work out and it's the right choice to be making. We've recently started couples counseling to try to figure things out.

Also probably contributing to my confusion and ambivalence on whether or not to get married is the fact that I've developed feelings for one of my co-workers. I've only known her for about six months, and I developed a major crush on her fairly soon after meeting her. Being around her makes me feel happy, and I feel comfortable talking with her and being honest in a way that I don't really with my girlfriend, especially in this particularly fraught and stressful pre-wedding atmosphere where a lot of walking on eggshells seems to be the safest approach. There are times when I think that my co-worker might return these feelings, but then there are times when it seems patently obvious that this is not the case. She also has a long-term boyfriend, with whom she's been having problems lately. I'm really into her, which makes me feel like a scumbag, especially since I know it's detracting from my relationship with my girlfriend.

I recognize that this situation is largely one of my own making; I agreed to get married even though my heart wasn't fully in it because I felt like it was time to take the plunge, and because my girlfriend was pressuring me pretty much every day (and had been intermittently for probably about a year prior.) I also feel like a prize jerk for harboring this fairly intense crush on someone and probably acting with them in a way that my girlfriend wouldn't be very happy with if she knew (though mostly nothing that two fairly close platonic friends of opposite sexes wouldn't reasonably do, along with some light to moderate flirting.) If she did reciprocate, though, I would be sorely tempted to break it off with the woman I'm about to marry in order to see where it went with her, which I feel intensely guilty about at times. In spite of this, I feel like if I had simply never met her, I'd be more happily proceeding down the path to marriage with my girlfriend, and possibly filled with less doubt about the whole thing. But maybe there would have been someone else, or something else that caused me to doubt what I was doing.

I wonder if:
1) I'm just kind of not into the idea of getting married to, or possibly even being with my girlfriend, and am going along with this wedding thing even though I've checked out of the relationship.
2) I'm displacing my feelings of anxiety over the stress of planning the event and the commitment it's meant to symbolize into my feelings for my co-worker, but I actually do want to be with my girlfriend and getting married will ultimately prove to be something I'm happy about.
3) other?

I realize that this question is kind of all over the place, as I'm having a lot of trouble processing the whole situation, but I'd really appreciate any insights and/or advice about where to go from here. Thank you in advance.

Welcome to Big Brother: Office Edition.

Anonymous — Mon, 17 Sep 2012 09:13:03 -0800

Office Crush Filter: We work in a tiny office. Is this still worth pursuing? I’ve been working in an office of less than 12 people for under a year now. I have a coworker who at first struck me as very quiet and even cold. In the process of trying to work better with him, he started opening up to me a lot more after a few months, to the point where now he’s teasing me in staff meetings, telling jokes ("Anyone come in yesterday afternoon?" "Nope, totally quiet. I stripped down and worked naked after you left."), and otherwise appearing to flirt with me (it’s not normal to claim that someone is seducing you when you send an office email about making lunch plans, right?) and I’m crushing pretty hard. In some ways he seems interested in me (out of nowhere the other day he asked me where I lived) and in other it seems like he’s avoiding me (would rather speak to a coworker over the phone when calling in when the information was general and anyone could have taken the message but I happened to pick up the phone; avoids being alone in the lunch room with me). We have had occasion to confirm that we are both single. All touching has been rare and accidental.

In addition to being confused and unsure if I’m reading things correctly, it has gotten to the point where my boss seems to have concluded that something is going on, because we have conversations like this:

Boss: We’ll be having lunch, and then convening at $time, and then you can come back here with X.

Me (outwardly calm): -- or, whoever will be driving back this way. I appreciate that people are open to carpooling.

OR:

Boss: … so that was my vacation. How were things at the office with you and X?

Me (again, outwardly calm): Everything was fine - $other_coworkers were there too, of course. You know that X has been busy with Y project; I avoid bothering him unless it's important. [True.]

This is my major problem with expressing overt interest in my coworker – not only will it be awkward if he turns out to not really be interested in me (I’ve never told someone I had a crush on them and had it end in something other than awkwardness, rejection, and that person disappearing/going incommunicado. I wish I were exaggerating.) but the impact will be amplified because our office is so small and we see each other every day. Additionally, because the office is so small, everyone knows if my coworker tells a joke and I giggle, or if I go for a coffee run and he suddenly invites himself along. Surely everyone would notice if the dynamic suddenly changed between us, and we can't get away from each other - would it turn into a situation where one of us would have to leave? I don't want that at all.

I am very sensitive to the fact that we are in the office to work above all things, and I am very careful to limit the time we spend talking, partially because we both have things to do and partially because I feel eyes on me and ears listening when I talk to him about anything. I don’t want to make the work environment difficult for anyone, and it makes me wonder if pursuing him is subsequently impossible and I'm just not thinking straight. When I bring up the subject to friends, they change the subject.

Previous AskMes have me believing that extra-office dating is theoretically possible so long as ground rules are in advance, but I have to find a way to approach him first, if that is the right thing to do. Is this a risk worth taking, given the evidence, the close quarters, and the potential for fallout? If so, how should I go about it?

Certain details necessarily omitted. Throwaway email: openofficesecret@hushmail.me

Your stereotypical gay gym crush.

Anonymous — Sun, 16 Sep 2012 11:31:23 -0800

Can I approach my crush? How? What to say if I do? (slightly long) I am a gay male. Over the summer I signed up at a local fitness center for a 1-month trial offer.

On the Tuesday of the second week of this offer, I was chatting with a friend in the weights room... and somebody in the corner caught my eye. I didn't think much of him then -- but Thursday he passed by me, while I was waiting in the hallway for yoga class to start. I couldn't help but stare at him, and I suppose he noticed me looking at him in the mirrors of the weight room (the weight room opens onto the hallway) because he turned to look back. Me being both shy and insecure, I couldn't help but look down.

The next time I saw him was the Sunday of the third week. This time I was heading to the pool; to get there you have walk down the hallway and hence pass by the weights area. He was exercising in the corner next to the door to the pool, so of course I couldn't help but look at him. He looked at me for maybe a second or two, and then continued on with his workout.

During the last week of my 1-month membership I resolved to try to speak to him by all means possible. My last day there was a Tuesday; by then I had gathered that that's a day he usually works out, so I figured that I would see him. There was a class I liked to attend from 430-530 pm and he usually gets there around 5, so the timing fit really well. From the classroom doorway one can view the corner of the weights room where he usually sets up, so I had a perfect chance to check him out.

Lo and behold, during the class I saw him come in, roll out his exercise mat in the corner and do some stretches and pushups. I kept my eye on him through the doorway and watched him maneuver from one weight apparatus to the next. And I could swear that he was checking me out too: whenever I glanced over, he was standing right there, right by the door. There were times when I thought he was looking at me, until I turned to check on him and saw that he was engrossed in his bicep curl.

Done with the class, I went back to the locker room to change. Since the exit is near the weights room, I figured when I leave I could pass through casually enough and try to strike up a conversation.

I can get very nervous approaching someone I find attractive, so I hung out in the hallway for a little bit, pretending to read the bulletin board as I tried to muster my strength and calm my nerves. After what seemed like quite a few minutes, my hands shaking and heart thumping, I told myself "oh f*ck it, just try to say hi," so impulsively I turned around and started to walk through the machines.

He actually was standing near me, by the hallway and near the entrance to the weights room. As I walked by of course I had to look -- I'm sure he noticed me looking at him in the mirror and he turned to look at me too. We made eye contact for a split second. But his wasn't a neutral glance: he looked PISSED, as though I had interrupted his workout. I was a bit fazed but still waved at him, trying to establish contact as planned. As much as I wanted to speak to him, his facial expression suggested I do not. He had earphones on too, though whether he was actually listening to music or not I'm not sure.

So here are my questions:

1) I think it's clear that he's gay. But is he interested? It's likely, but I can't be certain. He most likely wouldn't bother to make eye contact with me if he wasn't, and I really felt that he was sending me signals, checking me out and putting on a show for me on that last Tuesday. But then, why would he return my gaze with such a nasty look?

2a) If I go back to this fitness center, should I speak to him? For one thing, this is a "family" fitness center, so as much as I need to make it clear that I'm interested in him, I can't make it TOO clear for worry of offending people who might be there. How do I ask him out without outing the both of us?

2b) HOW to speak to him? The problem here lies with lack of topic and his "defenses" if you will. Lack of topic because what is there to ask about? Sure, I could start with a question like "So how long have you been a member here?"... but isn't that a stupid, lame question? And by his defenses I mean his earphones. How can I speak to him when he has those on? Would it be ok to just tap him on the shoulder, when it's rather clear that I'm seriously attracted to him and the physical contact might make us both feel awkward?

(Upon preview this question smacks of inexperience. Thanks for being my gay mentor!)

How do I deal with the crush-induced awkward?

windykites — Wed, 05 Sep 2012 19:59:06 -0800

Have I done something wrong, and if so, how will I know? I haven't had a crush in so long that I'm not sure whether I'm behaving normally or not, and I don't know how to deal. Long, involved, and socially awkward inside. Ok, so, I have a completely unrealistic and inappropriate crush on someone who is respected, married, probably old enough to be my father, and in a position of leadership in my world (yes, I know, I know, I have a therapist, I am working on my daddy issues). I know that my crush is absurd and silly and I have no intentions of trying to make it go anywhere other than AWAY.

I've never really spent time with this fellow, I don't know him well personally- this individual is sort of a "personality" in my circles, which is how I came to know of and develop said crush on them. Anyways, I and a group of my peers had the privilege of having lunch with this person.

I fluctuated wildly between avoiding speaking to/making eye contact with this person altogether and hanging raptly on their every word. (I am kind of like that with everybody but it was to the nth degree with this fellow, and far less than usual with everybody else).

Aside from the whole "ignoring people is rude", I don't believe that I said or did anything inappropriate, and this person was incredibly pleasant, charming and gracious.

I am typically an awkward gal. I don't think I was behaving especially weirdly, for me. (I mean, it was probably obvious that I was slightly in awe of/ crushing on this person, but it's not like I was hitting on them or something).

I regressed pretty badly in terms of my awkward/ bashful/ selfconscious/ childishness, but I wasn't actually doing anything awful, or so I thought.

A little while later I was by myself at another venue, and I happened to see this person. I tried to make friendly eye-contact/nodding gestures, but they did not respond. I am trying to choose to believe that they did not see me rather than believing that they were avoiding me. However, that was when I had my first inkling that maybe I said or did something wrong after all.

That person had invited me to add them on facebook, which I did, and they accepted my add and sent a polite and friendly "thanks-for-adding-me" standard type message. I know that nothing on facebook matters in real life but it's part of the scenario so I'm including it.

What I don't understand is why I have been a tense awkward anxious mess since that encounter, which was several days ago, and why, every time I think about that encounter or even that person, or read their facebook message, I am so painfully overcome with embarassment and shame that I almost cry (and I did actually, the day of).

If I'm this embarassed, I must have done something wrong, right?

And so I keep going over this encounter, looking for clues, and also trying to gauge the situation by completely ridiculous markers (i.e. nobody who was there has contacted me since then! That must mean I did something horribly embarassing and none of them want to be seen with me! I hate myself and I never want to go outside again! Those people don't actually like me and now they have a reason not to pretend any more! What am I going to do!?)

What am I going to do? I feel afraid to go and be around these people and I don't know how to behave or function and I want to either stop thinking about this or know what I did wrong. And I want to know how you're supposed to behave around someone that you have an unwanted crush on. What's the protocol? I'm going to talk to my therapist, but I thought y'all would have some insight.