Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with coworkers

How do I stay true to my introverted, anti-social self without coming across as an aloof jerk?

Anonymous — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 17:21:42 -0800

I work at the help desk for my company's IT dept, and I generally spend a lot of my time on the phone with users. Being an introverted person, this can be exhausting, so when I'm not on the phone I prefer to not have to talk to anyone. The problem is that where I work, people from other parts of IT are always coming in to the help desk office looking for conversation/socialization and this is stressing me out. In past jobs I've always handled my social awkwardness by just being a very hard worker and gaining respect that way....this is the first job I've ever had where there seems to be a definite social component to getting by. It's not so bad if they do the talking, because then I can ask questions, nod appropriately, etc, but there are quite a few who just....hang around not saying anything much at all. I am not sure what to do about these people. It's not that I don't like them, and I don't want to be rude and anti-social, but at the same time I hate feeling like I have to entertain someone, especially since so much of the day I have to talk to people on the phone. I can't do the normal things people do to signal they're not up for company, like put on headphones, or close the door, or you know.....do work (if I'm not on the phone I don't always have something in front of me to do), so I'm at a loss as to how to handle this. I really don't know what to say, and it gets very awkward and uncomfortable and I get the feeling that I'm seen by people in other depts as unfriendly, when really I'm just shy and more comfortable listening then talking when it comes to people I don't know very well.

Another thing that I should mention, is that I'm female, and being in IT, of course I'm a rarity. I wonder if this is the reason, at least partly, for the awkwardness? The others in my team are guys, so maybe they're used to coming down and talking "guy stuff" with them and just don't know what to make of me? ( I get along well with the other help desk guys, but then I'm around them all day so we can find things in common to joke around about and conversation just happens naturally. )

Anyway, I guess my question is....how can I deal with this? Should I keep trying to fit in to the overall dept? Or is there some way I can make it clear that I'm not up for making conversation without coming across as unapproachable and/or aloof?

Contempt as a response to cynicism: Is it a trap?

Talez — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 22:34:14 -0800

Out of despair I've started to respond to a co-worker's cynicism with contempt. I feel like I'm heading into an emotional trap. A guy at work is a bit of a cynical git who jumps into conversations unwanted and starts mocking the participants if he doesn't take a personal interest in the subject topic. I'm not sure why. Maybe he's too cool for school. Either way I've taken to ignoring him but he's recently started actively jump into conversations pointing out the faults of others in the presence of superiors (despite getting aggressively defensive himself should his personal failings come up) and generally being a conversation derailing douche when said superiors are not around.

I've gotten to the point where I let him say his spiel and then when he finished I turned back to the original person and said "as I was saying before dingus interrupted" which seemed to have shut him up for a bit.

But it just don't sit right. I feel like I'm going down a bad road but it was just so effective.

Help me stop helping my coworkers

Ham_On_Rye — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 09:37:28 -0800

I'm a PM on a rather small-ish team and am currently in the position of being the most senior on the team in terms of knowing how our process works, but not the most senior person in terms of title (i.e. I am not the boss, but have one full-time PC and a temp PM that often turn to me with questions, including my boss who seems to either not want to learn our process or just doesn't seem to "get it"). I love helping, and if I'm completely honest, it also makes me feel a bit important and valued to be the "go to person" or the one that can help solve the problems and provide guidance on what the best next step would be.

Lately, however, I'm feeling that I have now assumed the role of "enabler", for both my boss and my coworkers, and would appreciate any tips you could provide about ways you have politely demonstrated you are still willing to be supportive, but need others to step up, bite the bullet and make their own decisions and be more self-sufficient.

One of my coworkers, for example, is very nice and sweet, however this often manifests itself as relying on others to make decisions for her or not sticking up for herself/pushing back on others. I don't want to throw her to the wolves, but also think that she needs to learn to develop a bit more of her own opinions and be a little more proactive.

(This all of course does not mean I am not without my faults, as I too have had to practice my assertiveness, and have also felt that I have asked too many questions of my superiors in the past, or at least have gotten the feeling that I might be asking too many questions. I would like to find a method that 1) shows I am willing to help, but 2) would like them to put in the effort first.)

Thanks in advance for your help!

WTF work is nuts

Anonymous — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 20:38:09 -0800

Is this a hostile work environment? I work for a college. I am a faculty department chair. I was just given notice by the administration that I "allegedly reprimanded and acted unprofessionally and this behavior was perceived as a hostile work environment."

I did talk to a faculty member who had send out a barrage of emails and upset the entire staff (I have the emails and the staff's response to them). I told her that her behavior was unacceptable and to refrain from this behavior. I didn't yell or insult her. The entire conversation lasted about 2 minutes (there are witnesses).

This person is the former department chair who was forced to resign for a number of reasons, including causing the staff to cry and scream.

How should I approach this? ugh

worst day at work ever or what?

nerdcore — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 00:33:12 -0800

My coworker came to work and shot himself today. I was the only person to talk to him and was one of the first people to reach him after he did it. I'm planning on speaking with the grief counselors they're bringing in tomorrow. But I'm wondering if there are any resources I should know about for people in a situation like mine, specifically: witnesses of the suicide of a coworker or friend. In case the details are relevant: they are below. My coworker, J called in from the front door (which is locked) needing to be let in. I went to open the door for him and he was visibly drunk. I asked him if he was okay, he said no and as he headed for his cubicle, I grabbed our HR person to let them know that J had just come in and didn't look good, seemed drunk. About 5 seconds later our IT guy started yelling "oh my god" and I ran over to the cubicle.

J was bleeding from his head and ear, I didn't know what it was at first, but I could smell the burning hair. Someone else called 911; I asked if we needed to check his pulse but there was a lot of blood and I was scared to touch him.

I wasn't so close with J that we hung out outside of work, but we were on the same web/technology team so I talked with him almost every day. His mom had died a few months ago and he took it pretty hard. Some of my other coworkers were closer with him, and had been reaching out to help him. I guess it was too late for that.

I keep seeing him in my head, and I can't get the memory of the smell out of my head either. If I try not to think about it, I start worrying that ignoring it is bad too, and I guess I'm just trying to figure out what is "normal" for a situation like this. I think what I'm looking for is, perhaps, some information about how others have dealt with similar experiences.

How do I deal with management manipulation?

Anonymous — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 19:13:22 -0800

I'm in a crappy work situation and I know that the ultimate solution involves leaving my job, but how can I cope with this particular situation in the meantime? I am an in-house developer for a medium-sized company whose CEO hired his offspring in high-ranking management positions. They get their way via manipulation, boasting of "experience" (though they have no experience in my particular field - in fact, their suggestions have proven a huge hindrance in the past), scheming to get a person disliked/let go and ultimately complaining to dad.

One of the upper-management offspring has decided to meet with me, a low-ranking developer, about a time-sensitive project that does not involve or affect them whatsoever. Junior's input, however misguided, will inevitably disrupt my day-to-day work for a significant amount of time. I already know what will be suggested, believe that it's antithetical to the goals of our entire department, and fear that my efforts and completed work will be cast aside once more. Since my manager is completely ineffective, it's up to me to contend with Junior and tell them what they're not used to hearing: "no".

Caveat: I'm a wuss and seemingly unable to truly grok workplace politics. I know my place in the ranking, but I'm not stupid - I am a professional and want to make sure I'm well-represented. How do I best communicate my expertise in technology to someone painfully technologically-inept? How do I handle manipulation, condescension and veiled threats in this upcoming encounter? Maybe I need to cop a "bless your heart" attitude going in, otherwise I get scared or fooled and buckle. Additionally, helpful documents or articles on how to deal with workplace politics or toxic workplaces, especially for tech folks or introvert/geek types, are greatly appreciated. I want to learn something from this situation, rather than just run with my tail between my legs.

(I realize that I need to leave this job, but blah blah blah economy. I'm working on it. In the meantime, I need to make rent. This is anonymous because my employer is a fan of scouring their employees' social networks for incriminating evidence of "treason". I will read e-mail sent to qsvculngmjiaq@mailinator.com.)

Need resources on 'peer coaching' at work.

Anonymous — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 07:36:14 -0800

Need resources on 'peer coaching' at work. Been asked to take a stronger leadership role on a global (NA and EU) sales team. My peers and I all report directly to my boss, though my position is the senior of all team members.

My boss' request is to develop a leadership plan for 3rd Quarter 2009 for my team members in order to show that I could one day hold a more senior role... one that they might then report to.

I want to make this a group plan -- one that applies to myself as well as my peers. I want to ensure that I'm not condescending in both the presentation and the content of the plan.

Any suggestions MeFi? Any good articles, links, books I could look to?

Suck-ass work situation.

everythings_interrelated — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 15:09:07 -0800

Had a blowout with a coworker several weeks ago. I was an asshole. Realized it. Waited a couple days. Sincerely apologized and kept to myself. Said coworker is still holding a grudge. Accept it as the new status quo or try more outreach? I have a coworker I considered a friend. I assumed it was mutual. About 4-5 weeks ago, during morning chit-chat before get-down-to-work time, coworker informed me she was already having a shitty day, bad news in extended family, etc. I empathized. Work started. Found out I was assigned a summer student worker that I had to find a computer for pronto, asked coworker if it was ok to use computer when she was not around (about half the day usually), coworker said "I'll think about it."

Now, computers are generally considered property of the company and occasional sharing is the norm. I expected a "sure, whatever." Her "I'll think about it" irritated me. So I said something along the lines of "I was asking to be nice. I'm using it if it's available." She informed me that she'd be needing some space today, that I'd be best to leave her alone. I instantly realized that I just made her bad day worse... I quickly apologized and bailed out. Got someone else to let me use their computer during down-time. Let coworker alone for a couple days, then asked for permission to apologize, and gave a succinct but sincere apology. I have continued to give space.

You see, this "space" thing got me. As though she sees me as a routine invader routinely tolerated. Now, I realize some people come to work solely to work, and those folks are generally easy to recognize and I let them go about their day. I did not figure this coworker was one of them. She would start conversations with me, continue conversations I started, etc. If I dropped by her office to chat, and she said "yeah, uh huh" and kept looking at her computer, I'd save whatever I wanted to say for another time. Conversely, if she interrupted me, I would generally say something like, "busy. go away." So ample opportunity and precedence to set up a boundary if needed... right?

A couple weeks went by and I didn't start any conversations, make any jokes, or whatever. The vibe just wasn't good. But she also often looked hurt, and more hurt the more we didn't talk. I decided that this was silly-ness. So I stood outside her office and said something like, "This isn't how I want this to go. I value your friendship." The response was that I was welcome to chat any time. So I've started a couple short chit-chats. But it's somehow not the same. She doesn't continue them, and she doesn't initiate with me.

Lastly, just to head off a few people at the proverbial pass: there's absolutely no romantic chemistry-tension-whatever between us. God, no. She's a cool person, but not my kind of girl. And, as for her side, she's happily married to a much better man than me (as much as I can tell, we don't really discuss it, and that's as it should be).

I'm flummoxed. I'm not a people-genious, but I'm usually not this people-stupid, either. Should I accept the status quo or give outreach another try? If outreach, suggestions?

Tell the boss, or no?

Anonymous — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 12:43:05 -0800

How do you handle a situation where a few of your co-workers -- some of who are above you -- are inefficient, show very little work ethic, disorganized, slow, and generally ineffective in their positions? Do you talk to your boss (who is also their boss) about it, even though it's not really your job to be concerned with this, or do you just keep your mouth shut and hope the boss eventually notices and takes action?

I have a genuine love for the company I work for, and can't help but feel a few people are keeping us from being what we have the potential to be. Up until now, I've combated this by simply doing great work and ignoring what they do or how they work. As a result, I've got a couple promotions with more responsibility, but I'm starting to feel like I should speak up.

Should I? Or should I just continue with my head down doing good work?

Look, he compared Obama to the antichrist...

threeturtles — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 14:59:31 -0800

What do I do about my annoying coworker who talks conservative politics all the time? So there's this guy at my office whom I can't stand. He talks all the time, is loud, ignorant, vaguely racist, and generally creepy. It's not just me, lots of people have expressed this opinion of him. I luckily don't have to actually work with him, but his desk is in shared office space close to mine and I can hear everything he says all day.

During the election, he started making the occasional anti-Obama comment. Since the election, he has increased the frequency and volume of his political talk. He complains about taxes and Obama and them stealing all our money, etc. He thinks Texas (where I am) should secede. He makes snarky comments about "that Obama" all the time. He will express these opinions to anybody who happens to be nearby, but especially white coworkers who aren't me. (I have an Obama bumper sticker on my car and that's the extent I get involved in political debate at work. )

In short, I'm sick of hearing his ill-informed talk radio opinions all the time. I'm a flaming liberal in a very Republican area and normally I'm ok with that. But this guy drives me nuts. I feel like it's impolite to express these kind of negative political opinions at work, same as it would be rude to tear down someone's religion.

What can/should I do? What would be the best way to approach him about it without starting a big thing? Should I even try?

Wrangling the cow-orker

FatherDagon — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 11:10:00 -0800

Need tips on how to deal with an (intensely) aggravating employee. There is a member of my staff at work who is driving me up the wall, and I need some ideas on how to manage it. Myself - late 20s, tech savvy, head of my department with direct authority over a group of 5 other people. She - late 50s, with a severe maternal bent and an unwavering habit of trying to hijack every conversation I have with someone else.

She posesses a modicum of the work experience and problem-solving knowledge that I do, so every time I'm having a conversation with someone from another department, she will interject and try to become the hub of the conversation, half the time by repeating things I've said already, or bringing up random unrelated things just to keep talking. It's gotten to the point where I'll have to stop talking in mid sentence to say "I've got this handled, X", where if this were any other non-work situation, a more feasible response would be "Would you shut the fuck up and go away?" She's a capable enough worker (altho could be better), so it's not a performance issue. I just can't coach one of my own staff just because I don't like them... so what are workable solutions? Any ideas, or tales of how similar situations were handled? I can deliver reprimands and coachings and whatnot, but I'm not quite at "firing authority" level.

What would make your office a nicer place?

Pomo — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 20:49:50 -0800

In a week I'll be moving away and leaving behind the tiny law firm that I've worked at for the last several years. I would really like to purchase something for the office that will make my (soon-to-be-ex)co-workers' workdays a little brighter. However, I'm stumped about what would be an appropriate, and appreciated, gift. We have a very small lunch-room, and already have a coffee-maker and microwave. Demographically, there are four women and one man working here. Geographically, it's a place that stays cold and miserable for six months of the year, and excrutiatingly hot for the rest.

I'm not too concerned about the price point, although I certainly won't be springing for a new laptop.

Any unique ideas?

Why am I getting ignored by these two?

InterestedInKnowing — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 11:57:29 -0800

Why are these two males acting funny with me? At my workplace, I get along with most of the ladies and all the men except for two young guys. Not that I don't get along with them but they ignore me. I noticed they clam up around me and don't respond to anything I say to them. Even getting a hi is impossible when they seem to kick it fine with the other ladies and gentlemen. I am not implying EVERYONE should like me 'cause that's impossible but usually males respond very well to me because I'm just myself and to the point. I am wondering why some males seem to take issue with me when I have not done anything to them to warrant that type of cold shoulder. What is that?

Happy birthday to me?

EmilyClimbs — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 08:20:35 -0800

Is it weird to invite acquaintances/coworkers out for drinks after work to celebrate your own birthday? Is it a fairly accepted, normal thing to do, or is it likely to set off the "she's strange and/or desperate!" alarm bells? My birthday is coming up and I'd love to give myself the birthday present of getting together for drinks after work (it's a Friday) with a bunch of my coworkers. These are folks I really like spending time with and am hoping/trying to become friends with, who are currently various places along the spectrum between "friendly acquaintances" and "casual/new friends," although all except a couple are much closer to the former than the latter. (Due to shyness and fear of rejection I haven't tried to make new friends in years and am left with no real friends in town except my boyfriend; I'm trying hard to turn over a new leaf and actively try to build friendships with some of these coworkers, but I've only been trying for a couple months, despite working here for several years.)

However, I'm not sure whether/how to do it. This is what I'm wondering:

1) Is it weird to invite people out to celebrate my own birthday? I'm afraid it'd look like I'm trying to get people to buy me drinks or something. Or even if it's not weird to do in and of itself, does it make it weird if it's people who aren't close friends but are just friendly coworkers/acquaintance-level folks? I don't want to come off as too desperate and needy because I'm worried that'll turn people off from being friends with me. (If it's helpful to know, I don't think I've ever heard about a birthday happy hour for other people at work, but I don't know if that means there never are any or just that I'm never invited. We do have general happy hours about once a month or so that I and the crowd I'm interested in typically attend. However, my birthday's only one week after one of them, so that might make people less likely to to come to mine.)
2) If I do this, how many people should I invite? I've been advised to invite everyone at work to events rather than a selected group-- but that doesn't seem right to me in this situation because first of all wouldn't it come off as awkward and strange to invite people to celebrate your birthday who you barely know? And secondly, not only would I rather spend the time with the folks I know and like the most, but a big reason for doing this would be to help build friendships by communicating to these people that I like them specifically, and am very open to any further attempts at friendship on their part. (I think this is not always clear because I'm often so shy and quiet.) So what do you think is most likely to accomplish my goals (helping me make friends while not coming off as strange) as far as numbers? I could pick the 4-5 I know best and am almost/casually friends with, expand that anywhere up to 12 people that I'm pretty friendly with, add on another 5 to 7 if I want to push the definition of "friendly acquaintance" to its limit, or just make it a blanket invite to my whole department (about 30 people) if that's the best move.

(Sorry if this all sounds silly, it probably ought to be pretty obvious to me. It's just that I've spent so much time without pursuing friendships that I don't really know what I'm doing-- I'm rusty and socially inexperienced, and then shy and anxious on top of that-- so now I want to push through my anxiety but I don't want to come off as awkward and needy and put people off. So I can use all the help I can get in figuring out what's typically viewed as relatively normal vs "strange and desperate"...)

Did I Just Err With My Boss?

Anonymous — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 14:34:27 -0800

Did I just make a massive mistake during my staff evaluation meeting with my boss? Or not? I'm a guy. I just had a staff evaluation meeting with my male boss. Everyone in our office is doing one, so it wasn’t just me alone.

The questions were given to us ahead of time. They were the usual sorts of questions that get asked at these things. What are your strengths? What are your weaknesses and where can you improve? What do you have to say about the management of the office? The usual.

My evaluation started off well enough. He asked me my strengths and I rattled off a few things, all of which he agreed with, and then offered a few perceptions of his own about what my strengths were. So far, so good.

And then came the weaknesses. My boss said that a couple of people in the office had made mention that I don’t work very hard and that I’m the sort of person who is the last to arrive and the first to leave. This shocked me; truly shocked me because I consider myself a very hard worker. It also shocked me because I’m usually the first (or second) person to arrive in the mornings (usually by 7:50am… well before our expected start time of 9am) and I usually work right through the day. I do accept that sometimes I have left right on 5pm (we are ‘expected’ to stay beyond that but not always) but I only do this about twice a week. Three at the most.

Now, before I tell you how I reacted to this, you need to know that there are two women in the office who dislike (possibly even hate) me. Truth be told, I don’t know why they dislike me, especially given the fact that I get on very well with everyone else in the office, men and women alike. All I know for sure is that they do. I also know that they get on very well with my boss.

As I said earlier, everyone in our office is doing one of these and I was third in line. The two people who went before me? That’s right; the two women who hate me. So it’s no stretch to say that the info no doubt came from them. Infact, my boss admitted it did come from them (more on that later).

So, how did I react when my boss told me that there were concerns over how hard I work? I was a bit flustered of course; I simply didn’t except that criticism to be one that could or would be levelled at me. So I calmly explained that I fully rejected the accusation that I show up late and that I regularly show up before 8am, and that while I sometimes leave at 5pm it’s not all that common an occurrence. I also explained that his two predecessors (I’ve had the same job now for three years with three different bosses) had never expressed dissatisfaction with how I worked.

And then this is possibly where I stuffed up.

My two previous bosses had never got on well with these two women who dislike me. However when my current boss showed up on the scene, the three of them instantly seemed to bond. It clicked in my head at this point that he must have got this information from them so I said that if he was getting his information from these two co-workers of mine, as I suspected, he should take it with a grain of salt because they don’t like me and never have, despite my attempts to try and get them to like me. He did then admit that the info had come “primarily” from them and he noted my comments. The rest of the meeting went pretty amicably.

The reason I feel I’ve erred is because I’ve directly criticised two of my co-workers, which was something I hadn’t intended to do going into the meeting because I didn’t think it would be professional to do so… and so of course I went ahead and did it (in self defence, your honour!). Worse still, I’ve criticised two people whom he gets along well with and he is therefore likely to believe over me. I also think it’s unlikely that anyone else will criticise these two women in their interviews with my boss because as far as I know, they seem to get on well with everyone else (barring maybe one other person) and again, it’s just not professional to do that. And since I'm usually here before everyone else, there's only a couple of people who could verify that I get here so early (should he ask anyone else to verify my claims).

I need some outside perspective. Do you think that this is going to come back and bite me on the ass? Or did I do the right thing? Do you think I at least handled it as well as I could have?

Do I need to start mitigation strategies? If so, what do you reccommend?

Help!

I'm changing teams at work. How do I show appreciation to my old team?

speedoavenger — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 20:07:03 -0800

My department at work is restructuring, and it was just announced today that I am moving to another team. How can I show my team that I've loved working with them, and that I truly appreciate everything that they have taught me? I have been working for the same department since I started with a certain company six months ago. Before that, I was going to college. How can I maintain close ties with my current teammates, and let them know how much I appreciate what they have taught me? There are probably about 12 people on my team. I am much closer to some than others. Can you think of any team gifts I could buy, or is there a different/better way to show my appreciation?

How do you make friends at work?

EmilyClimbs — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 12:20:19 -0800

I have a number of co-workers that I'd like to get to know better and become friends with if they're interested. We're friendly at work, but it's never gone farther than that, and I don't know how to try to move towards a real friendship. Any suggestions? They seem like really great people and we get along well at work, and I don't have many friends in my city so I'd love to figure out how to make friends with some of these folks. But because we've already been co-workers for awhile (anywhere between a few months and nearly two years), I'm struggling with how to change the established dynamics without things being too awkward. (For example, it seems like standard advice is to ask a co-worker to get lunch together, but that feels weird to me if in all this time we've never really done it before, other than on people's birthdays. Or we sometimes do big everyone's-invited Happy Hours, but having drinks after work with a smaller circle of people would definitely be new.) Anyway, I'm probably overthinking this, but I'm pretty socially anxious (and socially awkward!) so I'd appreciate some help figuring out my best next steps.

Feel free to skip the questions and just offer general advice about making friends with co-workers, but here are some specific questions I have:

1) Are there intermediate steps to move closer towards friendship or should I go straight to inviting them to get together outside the office? We stop by eachothers' desks and chat sometimes, but maybe only once every week or two-- should I be trying to increase the frequency of those conversations first? (The trouble is that we're all pretty busy most of the time!) I'm friends with most of them on Facebook but we haven't messaged each other there at all--- should I try to do that first?
2) Once I start asking people to get together, any suggestions of particular things that would be the most natural to do? Is it better to start with lunch/coffee/drinks on a work day rather than something on a weekend? For a weekend thing, is an activity better (and if so, are some things better than others?) or getting lunch or dinner? etc... or do you think it doesn't much matter?
3) Do you think it's better to try to ask folks individually to get together outside work, or e-mail a handful of folks at once with invitations of the "I'm going to do X this weekend, anyone want to come" type? (I'm leaning towards the latter, but I don't know if that's just my own fear of making myself vulnerable to being turned down by a given individual.)
4) One thing I've thought of is hosting a party and inviting a bunch of people. But this is complicated by the fact that I've never really hosted a party since my college days a few years ago (or been invited to many), so I don't know what's appropriate. For example, my birthday's coming up, and it seems like some people host parties for their own birthdays-- that just seems strange to me, but is it a relatively normal thing to do and a good opportunity I should seize? (Also, is it weird to have a party full of not-quite-friends-yet? Especially a birthday party? I only have a couple real friends living in my city right now.)
5) Is there anything I could be doing related to the holiday season to help move in the right direction? Should/could I give cards or little/simple/casual presents (or does that make things awkward if they feel like they ought to reciprocate)?

And one last, broader question... I keep thinking that if these people liked me enough to want to be friends with me, they'd have invited me to lunch/drinks/parties/activities already, and so I'd be awkwardly crossing boundaries (and ignoring an implied message of "no, we're just work friends") to push it after this length of time. Do you think that's generally true? Or do you think that there's a reasonable possibility some of them would still be open to being friends?

How can I sharpen my conflict resolution skills?

self — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 17:06:34 -0800

Conflict resolution-filter: How can I be a better (read: appropriately responsive and fair) moderator and listener? A lot more inside. I am a shift supervisor at a large coffee shop. First, let me make a few things about my title clear:

-I cannot fire anyone.
-I can't always send people home, if it's a busy day
-I do not make the schedule
-It is imperative that I don't (I can't even seem to) play favorites
-I have a load of responsibility to the store, as I am an active manager when there, and this whole post is only about part of the things I have to deal with.

However, the following dilemma can ruin an entire day, trickle down through morale, and ultimate affect the entire operation of the store. This is why I'm posting. Okay, here 'goes....

My job requires me to manage coworkers who deal with the same issues I do. A lot of the time, because we're in the customer service and retail industry and rely on each other to make work easier and more efficient, those issues often pertain to problems between coworkers.

When a dispute breaks out between two or more of them, they will typically come to me individually and gripe about the one another. It is my responsibility to listen to these concerns (no matter how trivial they can be), and try to effectively quell the tide of hysteria or complaining to resolution.

If I can't solve the problem, I at least need to deal with it to the point where work can continue unabated until the manager has the time to address it themselves.

This is just one aspect of my roll at the store, and I by no means have the leisure to sharpen that one skill. I'm often in the very same boat as these coworkers, working along side them. Besides having to be there for my coworkers, I am always dealing with the customers' needs, my superiors' requests, and anything else that might crop up (See top where I explain that I am effectively an active manager when I'm on the clock).

So I turn to AskMe for this one. I need to make sure my coworkers are feeling like they are being heard, that their concerns or complaints are being addressed, and that they can always talk to me. I often find myself feeling weird sympathizing with both sides of an argument (I almost feel superficial), and am tired of just feeling like a nodding head on a stick. I realize that that's the basic want of someone who is venting, but there's definitely more.

What advise can you, the great hive mind, give me about conflict resolution? What do you like to hear or see from someone you are going to to have your issues dealt with? What does this role of mine dictate in these often delicate situations? And how can I feel less boss-like and more confidant-ish?

I realize there are a multitude of books on the subject, but I often find them containing bland language or (to me) over-analytic fallacies. I'm dealing with people, not first-initial-last-names on a roster. And I'm one of those people.

In essence, help me help you*!

*as in the people

I don't want to be guilted into explaining why I don't give blood!

librarylis — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 00:11:05 -0800

How do I get coworkers to stop asking me to donate blood? I work at a place that is very pro-blood drive. As a concept, I think that's great. It's when my coworkers continually ask me to donate blood that I am less thrilled.

Usually my coworkers will ask me to give blood, I will politely refuse, and they will ask why or try to persuade me to give blood despite my refusal. These are wonderful people who just want everyone to donate blood like they do--but I have reasons why I cannot that I don't really want to share with everyone I work with.

My reasons for not giving blood:
*Under doctor's orders, I can't--the medication I am on can pass through the blood
*Due to this medication, I have to get blood drawn every month anyway and am not eager to up the number of needles entering my body
*I have very small veins and it take quite a lot of effort and pain to find a vein that will give blood (we're talking one arm that has no veins they can use and the other arm they can only get blood from the top of my hand)
*I got a piercing in a foreign country recently (against Red Cross regs)
*I faint every month when they draw my blood, and one time I was rushed to the ER with a concussion. Needless to say, I don't like needles.

What's the best way/best explanation that will help my coworkers understand why I don't give blood while also preserving some of my privacy?

Helping You Help Me Do My Job Better

Anonymous — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 11:08:34 -0800

How can I make someone else a better graphic designer? Doing my new job well relies heavily on the effective print advertising and promotion of the events I coordinate (free events open to the public, if it matters). Because of the way my company is structured, all that marketing/PR-type stuff is handled through two people.

The problem is, their graphic design skills are atrocious. Not in a "They subscribe to a different design philosophy than I do, so I call their skills atrocious" kind of way. More like a "They are not visually artistic people, have no training in art or design (or the industry-standard software of either) and have no clue as to what makes for effective visual communication" kind of way. They can't see, for example, that crowded, serif-y text with alternating-rainbow-colors and long, slanted shadows might be poor design choices, or at least not on par with current professional standards.

They were hired long ago, their main qualifications being that they made up the newsletters for the last companies they worked for. But our industry has changed a lot, and is much more driven by the perceptions of our customers than it used to be (now most firms in our industry hire design/ad firms outright). But hiring new people, or a design/ad firm, is not an option.

I have both formal and on-the-job experience in graphic design, marketing, advertising, and promotions, so I'd be more than happy to handle my own promotional material. Trouble is, company structure and politics won't allow it; I can only submit my event schedule to the people in question, pray fervently that the tidbits of subtle advice I give (e.g., "I envision something really bold for this," or "This will be posted in a high-traffic area, so let's make it easy to read from far away") are considered, and vomit when I get the final product.

The bosses above these people don't appreciate the importance of effective graphic design, and I'm not in a position to address the issue with them directly. The designers are really nice people, and I completely appreciate that they don't want someone outside their department telling them how to do their job. But in the interest of my own (and the company's) success, and my sanity, I have to exercise the little influence I have, without sending the message that they don't know what they're doing.

The key is, this has to come across as me offering "helpful hints," not as being the squeaky wheel or Mr. Too-Big-For-His-Britches. So I turn to you, hive mind: assuming the limitations I describe above, what resources and tactics should I use to "nudge" these people toward a higher-quality graphic design sensibility? I'm thinking (very) user-friendly website tutorials, or books for beginners that don't take a "For Dummies" tone, but tactics for broaching the subject in a non-threatening way are also welcome. Please also assume that responses along the lines of "Nothing can be done" or "Change jobs if you don't like it" are not solutions.

"Exchanging glances, wond'ring in the night...."

TheSecretDecoderRing — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 23:14:18 -0800

What do you do when you and someone you barely know are approaching each other? Always make eye contact and smile or say hi? Make eye contact and then keep walking? Keep walking unless they say something? Mentally scramble for small talk? Stop and tie your shoelaces? You know those situations when you're walking down an interminably long hallway at work, or a path on campus, and you see someone you only kind of know coming in the opposite direction from a mile away? Obviously it depends on how well you (don't) know them, but when the more awkward moments arise, do you invariably acknowledge them in a super-friendly way? Wait for them to say something first? Give a warm half-smile or a cool half-nod and keep on going? It feels like a silly predicament, but I'm just curious if others feel like this is half as awkward as I do, esp the more introverted among us, and among those, the ones for whom smiles don't always come all that easily. Because sometimes it's just... awkward!

I've seen a couple other threads here revolving around the dilemma of acknowledging complete strangers (and those may very well end up below this post), but I've never found that to be a source of anxiety or perplexity, because if you get rebuffed, you'll probably never see them again in your life. Crossing paths with that "Larry" guy from three cubicles over while you're on your way to the men's room? That's a different story.

Is the waist a positive leading indicator?

boy detective — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 20:34:25 -0800

The waist pinch: does it necessarily indicate flirting? I'm a female (despite my handle) and males sometimes accost me with apparently all-in-good-fun waist grabbing/pinching. I would be interested to know whether a certain attractive coworker is flirting with me, or if this maneuver is generally used more for platonic silliness.

Should I (try to) learn to play golf?

taubman — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 21:13:52 -0800

Should I (try to) learn to play golf? I'm starting to find that not being able to join in the ritual of the business meeting on the golf course is hindering my ability to advance in my career. I'm often invited for golf outings which I have to turn down- apart from mini-golf, i've never picked up a club in my life. At age 40, would it be reasonable to think I could acquire a golf game that didnt embarrass me or my colleagues on the course?

moonlighting coworker

Rae Datter — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 10:40:47 -0800

What to do about a moonlighting coworker? People on the team are upset about this, but the manager has no clue. Basically, the co-worker is teaching week-long classes during regular work hours (she works from home), not taking vacation time, missing phone meetings with the group. She has lied to the manager about what she was doing and why she missed the meeting.

Company has an anonymous ethics hotline already used to report a different thing this co-worker was doing with company resources, but doesn't seem appropriate in this situation.

No one is willing to put their own name on the line as they don't want to make it seem as if they have a personal grudge. Of course, they might, but they still don't want to get personally involved, but are very frustrated by how the coworker is getting away with a second paying job on company time.

To Tell or Not To Tell

frosty_hut — Tue, 20 May 2008 07:28:23 -0800

How to exit this job gracefully? Although I haven't found a new position yet, I'm planning to leave my current awful job within a month or so, come hell or high water. I've been there for nine years doing the audio version of data entry, which is mind-numbing, and a sprinkling of other tasks, including sophisticated production of commercials for which I'm being paid data entry wages.

Recently the company has had a system upgrade (of the computerized "thing" that runs the radio stations in our cluster), and some audio files I'm responsible for have disappeared or been overwritten. Hal, my immediate "manager" (not actually my boss, but I kind of think of him that way) is the guy who mentored me and supports my work, but only unofficially. He has whispered to me that he believes I'm not at fault, but he won't back me up to anyone who matters. He's intimidated by the head of another department, I'll call her Gayle, who insists that the recent issues are my fault, and not part of the upgrade glitches. This is ridiculous. I have made mistakes in the near-decade I've been there, but I don't make clumps of errors, ten at a time and more. That just ain't me.

When she's in a good mood, Gayle jokes that she's blaming it all on the engineering department. When she's not, though, she shoots me emails in which she accuses me of not calling her when there's a problem so she can head things off. I'm losing the company money, she says (the radio commercials we air are paid for by our clients and can't be missed, etc). The issue, though, is that files are RANDOMLY being overwritten. I have no warning and no clue that it's going to happen. That's why it's a problem. And I'm not causing the problem, but I can't get anyone to support me. I suspect that the reason Gayle is going after me, rather than the engineering guys, is that I'm a nice, quiet little girl who has taken her crap up until now without complaint. The engineering guys might fight back if she tried that stuff with them.

I'm leaving anyway, so these things shouldn't even bother me. Yet they do. I would like to draw in my manager, Jack, because he's been fair in the past. I'd like to get his perpsective, and for reasons of personal dignity I would like him to know that I'm not screwing up. Especially since I'm leaving, I would like him to feel that I've been reliable and valuable straight to the end. I don't want to leave under a cloud. And it just rankles with me to be scolded in emails by this woman who isn't my boss, that I'm losing the company money. I've never been treated like that before, and I can't stop thinking about it.

In a nutshell: I feel I'm being scapegoated, and I object. I would like to tell my manager Jack about it, and would like to document it in email. I also want to attach the email I received from Gayle accusing me of costing the company money, because it's proof that she's been wrist-slapping me in addition to accusing me unfairly. I want Jack to know I feel this stuff is inappropriate, and I object. I'm not really gaining anything in any real sense, since I'm not asking him to mediate. I'm just very upset at the treatment I'm getting.

My husband thinks it may be overkill to put this in email to the head honcho. He questions whether I should speak up at all. He asked me to think about it over night, and I still want to do it. So my question to you all is, should I let my manager in on what's up, or not? Does it even matter, now that I'm leaving?

Eagerly awaiting your advice.