Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with coworker

Help me not freak out at my boss or have my boss freak out at me

Anonymous — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 13:15:19 -0800

How to deal with a boss who might have Asperger's? I'm the new nanny for a 4-year-old child on the Autism spectrum. At first I thought my boss was a self-centered and rude to the extreme. We have been working side-by-side because her child is difficult to handle.

She completely forgot that I need to eat food. She dragged her former nanny through a museum at super speed though she was suffering from a severely injured toe. Every time I mentioned something not directly related to her, she looked at me like I was a space alien. What an asshole, right?

Then I got to know her a little bit better. It became clear that she is making a significant effort to make me feel comfortable and valued. The effort does not always translate correctly. For example, she freaked out at the prospect that I might want to eat the food in her apartment. I don't get a lunch break to go out and get lunch, besides, I need snacks, drinks, etc throughout the day. She stated that their housekeeper purchased her mother's food for her mother. So it is her mother's food. My boss took that to mean that her mother would never allow me to touch it. We're talking basics like milk, grapes, bread. Then, the next day, she told me I could eat her mother's food because, of course, her mother doesn't mind. This is a good example of her literal-mindedness and ignorance of some social norms (you let the people who are stuck in your home for 8+ hours a day drink your milk).

She now makes an effort to ask me about my life, in a bit of a stilted way, as though she scheduled that particular 5 minutes for "ask nanny about her life". She listens to my jokes politely although she does not have a sense of humor for anything but the completely absurd. Even that tends to get a surprised laugh/guffaw instead of a happy laugh.

She lectures. Oh, the lectures. They are long and boring and she does not notice when I want to talk or respond. She has described an excellent memory and academic success (in the top three of her class at Ivy League law school). It's not an issue of intelligence.

Keep in mind that I work side-by-side with her for 2+ hours every day (the rest of the day I'm with her child alone).

Questions:
Do you think she has Asperger's?
Do you know someone else who has Asperger's? What is it like to live/work with them?
Where can I learn more about it? I get the basics that one can find on wikipeda, so I'm looking for higher-level, more complex writing either by or about adults with Asperger's syndrome. Books, websites.

Any general suggestions about getting along with her, as someone who is extroverted, cheerful, playful, and somewhat inconsistent (meaning, I fluster her by not adhering to predictable routines)? Things that I should avoid doing?

The job is just what I'm looking for--challenging, their place is nice and cozy, the commute is great. Financially, I don't have another viable option. I had been looking for full time work for 4 months before finding this job. So "quit" or "find something else" are not good answers.

Just a friend?

Anonymous — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 16:38:31 -0800

More-than-a-former-coworker-filter: How do I know whether a former co-worker is more than a friend? Lengthy, quasi-insane description/details follow. So, I've started hanging out with a former co-worker a fair amount lately. While we worked together, she was a superior of mine (only one level up), but we had a good relationship--we would go to concerts together, grab drinks, etc. Our interactions were generally more on the friend/co-worker side of things, but were sometimes flirty. Since I've left the company where we worked together, we've been hanging out more often and in situations that I typically wouldn't hang out with 'just a friend.' Now, I'm having difficulties trying to gauge the nature of where things are going.

To provide some background, I'm a 25 year old male and she's a little less than 4 years older than me. She's been very career focused in her life and doesn't seem to have a huge amount of non-work friends, which is one of the factors confusing things for me (does she just enjoy having the company of someone she doesn't work with?). Also, at first, she also comes off a bit militant/asexual, but I think that it's more of a defense mechanism being a woman in a very male-dominated industry.

One specific situation that I thought might "mean something" was a few weeks ago when I received a seemingly drunk "Hiiiii" text message. I responded (perhaps a bit too quickly), but didn't hear a response for a couple of hours. She wanted to grab a drink--it was rainy, so I suggested just having some beers at her place. I went over, she was in pajamas, we had a few beers and watched TV for a few hours. A couple of times, I almost got up the courage to make a move, but wasn't really getting any vibe that that would be okay. Immediately upon getting home, I felt like an idiot for not having done so.

We didn't hang out for a couple of weeks after that, but we'd exchange emails every once in a while and set up a couple of "dates"(?) to see some upcoming concerts. Then, last night, I got a text asking what I was up to--she was on her way back from the airport and wanted to grab a beer. I had just gotten home from work, but met with her for a few. Conversation is always easy, which is a good sign, but tends to focus on our former co-workers (a bad sign). Another weird/hard-to-interpret thing about our interactions is how we say goodbye. With most of my girl friends, when we depart, it's usually a kiss on the cheek, goodbye, see you soon sort of thing. With her, we just part ways with no sort of kiss, hug or contact, really. At this stage, I don't read that as no interest, I read it more as her being a bit shy/awkward about the situation (and me being a bit shy/awkward about it, as well).

Another thing worth mentioning happened months and months ago while we were still working together. She came with me to a friend's bday party. We both got very drunk. Walking her home to her apt, she asked if I thought an inter-office romance that was occuring between two other co-workers was weird. Oblivious, I said it was a bit weird. She subsequently said yeah, you're right, and went up to her apt. I'm pretty suave, in case you haven't picked up on that yet.

So, I'll be hanging out with her next Sunday in all likelihood to see a concert--should I be more aggressive? Should I just let things run their course? Should I say something?

Is there still honor among theives?

snapped — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 19:06:36 -0800

A coworker was robbed this week, and a box of very sentimental items was taken. Can anyone offer some advice for possibly having them returned or found? I am not particularly close to this coworker, and don't know all of the details, but here are the relevant ones:

-She lost her husband unexpectedly, about a year ago. She has a ten-year-old son and three-year-old daughter.

-She was getting an alarm installed in her home last week and somehow the installers "could not finish." She was suddenly robbed the next day or day following. Of course, many people I work with suspect the alarm installers are somehow involved, but I don't know much more of the details regarding suspects, etc. I have never really heard of such a scam before, but I'm sure it's not impossible.

-The saddest part of this story is that, among other valuable (and easy to resell/pawn) items stolen, a "memory box" that her son was keeping was taken. It contained jewelry and other items belonging to the boy's deceased father. Obviously this young man is crushed, to the point of his mother considering sending him to therapy to deal with this second, and once again unexpected, loss.

Now, maybe I'm just being naive, but I can't help but feeling that if the thieves understood the situation, they would return the memory box. I'm sure my coworker would feel the same way - I haven't spoken to her much directly because she is so upset about it, and as I said I'm not particularly close to her.

Can anyone think of a way to try and reach out to the parties responsible and let them know that they stole something of immense emotional importance to this young man (and his young sister, who I'm sure will be devastated to learn this happened once she is old enough)? I've heard great stories of these kind of things on the web, but they involved objects like laptops or other "trackable" items.

I know this is pretty desperate, and I've already planned to reach out to my church and other coworkers to try and give these kids something to restore their faith in the kindness of people around them. I have a Nintendo Wii, for instance, that I want to donate to them. But I realize that means almost nothing if they can't move on from losing these memories of their dad. Any suggestions you can offer me would be appreciated.

How to deal with a narcissist?

tastybrains — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 10:18:09 -0800

I mistakenly became friends with a narcissist, who I also work with. I've avoided a confrontation with her, but she keeps prying to find out if I'm mad at her or don't like her anymore, and I feel like eventually I am going to have to explain myself. But how do you tell a narcissist that you just don't care about them without having them explode? Last year I began working with another woman my age, who on the surface has a lot in common with me -- we're the only 2 in our current position, we're working towards the same graduate degree, we have similar work backgrounds, we live in the same town, and we have similar interests. Since we're both in our late 20's and most of our coworkers have children our age, we started to hang out a lot, both in and out of work. At the time, my husband was spending 3 weeks of each month working in another state, and while I have a good amount of friends, most are 45 min to an hour away, so it was nice to have someone really close to grab a cup of coffee with or go to the gym with.

I knew she was diagnosed as bipolar and had some issues with authority (she routinely pushes the envelope at work, getting "spoken to" regularly, while I tend to be more cautious than I need to). I also became aware that she has never had any close friends for a long period of time, or boyfriends.

I don't know why it took me so long to realize that what I first perceived as confidence was really just batshit insanity. She constantly contradicts herself or blatantly breaks rules, and absolutely throws a tantrum if you do not encourage and support her in everything she does.

A few examples:
She brought a date to a workday, company meeting because there was ice cream and swag, and when I pointed out that it was a little strange to do so and that I wanted to make sure she saw the "employees only" note on the posters for said meeting, she blew up, insisting that I was just trying to stress her out and that a real friend would tell her she was sure she'd get away with it ... and that of COURSE she saw the "employees only" sign and that maybe that was WHY she was bringing a date in the first place, and how could I ever doubt that she would miss such a detail?

Once I asked her, politely, to stop detailing her crash dieting (stuff like "I only ate a banana yesterday, it makes me feel so good to do that!") because I have my own issues with dieting and food, and she started screaming that I was insane because it had nothing to do with me and that I was being selfish to ask her to stop talking about a topic that interested her. I believe my exact wording to trigger her reaction was "You know, I really am uncomfortable discussing dieting, can we please change the subject?"

Another time, she pointed out an overweight woman (who was smaller than me -- as I am also overweight) and said "Oh my God, I can't believe I was ever heavy. I look at people like that, and I just get so grossed out that anyone could be like that. And then I think I used to be almost that overweight, and I just hate myself!" And I said, offended, "Don't you think that is really offensive to me and anyone else you know who is overweight??" And she exploded at me about how I take everything too personally and that a comment she makes about someone else is not a reflection of me.

Anyway, the past year is full of such stories. I simply cannot be friends with this girl, and yet because she is so out of touch with reality, she can't just seem to accept that I don't like her. The last time I tried to explain that I thought it was better that we don't hang out, she started arguing with me about it, and the next day informed me that she had a good talk with her therapist about me and gave me a copy of The Four Agreements (I don't know either).

I feel like almost any outright confrontation is dangerous, because (1) we work together, (2) we go to school together, and (3) she doesn't handle any form of rejection well.

At the same time, I feel like I have to be ready to say something, because she keeps trying to push my boundaries, and whenever I turn her invitations to do stuff down, she says things like "I'm starting to feel offended, like you don't like me!"

I have been so stressed over having to deal with her on a regular basis that my anxiety has become exacerbated, I've lost sleep, had nightmares, and dreaded work (which I otherwise love). Note that I don't really have to see her frequently at work as we work on independent projects, but we are on the same team so there are weekly status meetings and whatnot.

So how do I manage this? She simply does NOT seem to get the hint.

I'm not comfortable bringing my boss into this because (1) she loves said coworker, and (2) this is primarily a personal issue.

Help me get over my fear of inadequateness in workplace

the_dude — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 08:48:52 -0800

I'm having trouble adjusting to an environment where everyone around me seems to be leaps and bounds more advanced. I'm working at a small tech company (with big clients). It's very technically oriented, not like a consulting firm, we just develop stuff all the time. I'm a recent hire; kind of made my way in through luck and they seemed to like some of the stuff I used to work on.

What my problem is that although I'm fairly competent (at least passable) in my field, I feel like my co-workers are just geniuses that seem to be able to do anything faster or better than I can. And it has been literally rendering me pretty much dysfunctional lately.

For example, I come up with an idea that we can all work on. Start researching for it, talk to my co-workers about it. And before I can actually start doing anything about it, like a day later, one of my co-workers excitedly show up at my desk, showing off what he did with my idea; he just implemented it in the time it took me to get my head around some of the technicalities. Don't get me wrong; I'm not jealous or mad and I have *no* hard feelings towards that guy or anything.

Stuff like this happens just keeps happening. And I feel growingly incompetent.

What it makes me feel like is just being unable to start doing anything on my own. It's to a point that I feel like if I embark on something either it's going to be way too late compared to others or just it's going to fail (and them somebody will have to finish it up).

I do not want to give up what I am doing and I know I'm in a place where I had been working for a good part of my life. I can't let this go. However, I need some help to get around my fears. Or whatever you call them.

Making the most of a challenging coworker

Anonymous — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 11:40:33 -0800

How do I make the most of a work situation with a co-worker whose behavior is just annoying enough to disrupt work regularly, but not annoying enough to cause him to be fired? I work for a non-profit educational organization in a small department that is a sub-set of a larger department. I am the manager over one person, the said annoying co-worker. I say the following because I think it has some bearing on the situation: all members of the department are women except him.

Our office is pretty laid-back. He's worked here longer than I and even applied for my position. My boss and other members of our department are aware of his attitude and behavior. But it's not enough to get him fired, just enough to piss me off and others who might work with him.

Annoying traits:
- He is strictly reactive, and resists planning ahead, including using something like Basecamp.

- He routinely comes in late and takes longish lunches.

- He does things and forgets he does them - projects mentioned in meetings, meetings with others, etc.

- He says he tracks all of his stuff, but I've caught him unprepared. He still claims he does.

- He doesn't like to delegate to interns.

- He takes initiative, which is good, but on "fun" stuff like social networking, and I don't hear about it until he's spent a few hours on it.

- This is going to sound petty, I know, but I feel I must say it - I make an effort to thank him for his positive work, encourage his positive behavior, but I don't get the sense he sees or appreciates the effort that goes into some of the managerial work (big picture thinking, managing interns, assigning projects, being proactive) that I do. I guess I feel that the balance of positive appreciation is a little off?

- He complains... about our clients, about his workload, about meetings.

- He gets pissy with me if he senses that I'm micro-managing a little (ie asking about projects multiple times, asking what he's working on, giving priorities - doing my job).

He's basically been able to do what he wants until I got here. We've been able to make some strides in the department and his behavior has improved some, and we have even had a few "come to Jesus" meetings, but the problems are still there.

Not annoying traits:

- He has very good ideas on occasion that have helped us move forward.

- He does handle less complicated tasks well.

- We get along on a non-work, personal level. And this has complicated things even further.

When do I say when and put my foot down with my boss and ask her to reprimand him? My boss thinks we're outputting good work, but I see that we could do so much more - that's not really a "get you into big trouble" offense.

I have shared my concerns with my boss. I've tracked his lateness and his attitude. It's not quite enough to pull out the big guns so to speak, so I'm coming to terms that I may have to deal with this long term.

So, if I have to live with this - which it looks like I will - how do I make the most of it?

Thanks.

How do I deal with a coworker (and potential friend) that is distracting me at work?

Buttons — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 17:20:30 -0800

How do I deal with a coworker (and potential friend) who is distracting me at work? Another coworker and I get along very well. We have the same sense of humor and a lot in common. She is very fun to talk to and I can see us being friends outside of work. However, at work she is very distracting and sometimes it interferes with my ability to do my work. She talks to me endlessly, and anytime I politely respond, she launches into another story based on my polite response. It ends up being a huge time-drain but I don't want to discourage her from talking to me because I don't want to ruin our chance of being friends. What do I do?

File transfer from Creative Zen to Windows Vista?

infinityjinx — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 20:44:36 -0800

Asking for a co-worker I wish to impress: how to transfer music from a Creative Zen ONTO his new (Vista running) laptop? Hi all-

My coworker's computer crashed so he got a new one. He still has all his music on his approx. 4 year old Creative Zen. Instead of ripping all his CDs to his computer again, how can he transfer the music from the mp3 player to his computer? I have Googled but can't figure it out...is this even possible? Halp??

Thanks so much for any tips, mefis =)

How to deal with 'innocent' stereotyping from a coworker?

evadery — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 13:11:47 -0800

How do you deal with ethnic stereotyping from a colleague in the form of innocent questions? I am jewish, and at my job I work with a somewhat religious christian coworker. I am younger (29), she is older (early 40s?), and I am her boss. In all respects we get along very well. She feels very comfortable around me, and we are constantly joking with one another.

However, as our relationship has progressed, she has starting asking me many questions about my religion (an outsider would call me a reform jew, I call myself an athiest who enjoys the familial traditions that come with judiasm; otherwise I say I am "jewish with an emphasis on the 'ish'"). Some are innocent such as Why do Christians do X and Jews do Y (ie: kosher, holidays, etc). But often they veer into odd stereotypical questions (ie: "Is it true that all jews are rich? Alot of people I know say it's true"; "Why do Jews dislike Christians", etc.) I firmly believe that she is asking me in some sort of cross-cultural exchange thing, out of genuine curiosity and a desire to increase her own knowledge, and with absolutely NO malice, ill will, or desire to convert me or anything crazy like that.

I don't want to dissuade her from coming to me and asking me questions, but I want to try and lightly (not heavy-handedly) dissuade her from some of these more stereotypical thoughts. Other than talking to her gently about them, is there anything else I should/could be doing? Or, if talking to her is the way to go, is there any manner in which I should be talking, or anything which I should be saying?

Otherwise, is it totally dangerous to even HAVE these discussions in a work context? If so, how do I politely extricate myself. This course of action is NOT my preferred method, but I'd be willing to listen to arguments as to why it should be.

Note: I have no desire to speak to a supervisor or HR person, get her disciplined, or anything like that. I also don't mind if she asks me these questions, and it doesn't make me uncomfortable (well, maybe a touch, but not nearly enough to ask her to stop). I just want to try to be kind and educate (or if educating is a poor goal in this context, then insert your own suggestion here) while maintaining a cozy work environment. This may not be possible, however...

Thanks!

I don't want your drama, miss thing.

wild like kudzu — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 20:16:52 -0800

So, I've been promoted at work and everything is going swimmingly except for some difficult interpersonal stuff with a few coworkers. I need help to decide how to handle these situations... Okay, so I work in a restaurant. I was a hostess, and after about a year of that I've been upped to server status. The transition is pretty smooth considering how well I already know the restaurant, staff and menu. I've made very few mistakes, and none have been more serious than needing to get an item comped off a receipt. My bosses are pleased and are looking to give me more shifts, and customers have already been asking to speak with my managers to tell them what a great job I was doing.

Though I am working very hard and trying my best to do right by the restaurant, the staff, my bosses and clientele, a few of my coworkers have not been completely nice to me.

Today for example, I ordered food from the bar to munch on during my shift. Someone had told me recently that there was only a certain time frame during which eating is okay, but today I forgot. The bartender neglected to inform me, and given that everybody else eats up there all the time, I didn't think anything of it. Later, though, my coworker approached me and asked whether I had ordered the food. I replied that I had a while ago, but I had gotten busy so I hadn't eaten any of it. She rolled her eyes at me and brushed past me, shaking her head. I really didn't know what she was upset about until a few minutes later when she told me I'm not supposed to order food or eat during the shift. Okay, I said, I'm sorry I just forgot. A few minutes later my manager came up to lecture me about it, I admitted my fault and apologized again. I know that #1, this coworker obviously went and told my boss, #2 nobody else really cared, and my manager was not upset at all, and #3, I promptly threw out the food once I realized my mistake.

But here's the thing-- I am really not difficult to approach. I try to do extra nice things just to be nice to my coworkers by helping them with their tables, covering shifts last minute, being respectful to my bosses, thanking them for any and all help and apologizing for any mistake or inconvenience I cause. All it would have taken was a brief "Oh, hey, don't forget we're not supposed to eat during this time" and I would have said "Oh right! Sorry" and that would have been all... instead I felt she gave me attitude and tried to get me in trouble. That bothers me.

Also, throughout the night her interactions with me had a distinct superior vibe to them which really got under my skin. At the end of the night when I was doing my closing sidework she said I had done a "half-ass" job and that she would let it slide this time, but not next time. She told me I needed to clean the wall behind the bus tubs, so I began to take the tubs off of the rack when she grabbed them out of my hands and said "I said it was fine this time!" loudly in my face. To prevent any further drama, I put the tubs back, turned around, walked away, finished my work and left for home.

As I was driving home I was so furious, but then the frustration gave way to tears. So what do I do, hivemind? I'm slightly frustrated with myself for not standing up to her and demanding decent treatment, but now that I'm home I feel that texting/calling/emailing her would be inappropriate. Now I'm wondering if perhaps I should confront her (nicely of course, I try very hard not to be snarky or mean) and telling her "I really don't appreciate the way you spoke to me on Sunday, I'm always open to constructive criticism but I respectfully ask that you tell me these things nicely. I want to do a good job, and I respect that you have been here for longer and know what you're doing, so please, if you must correct me, do so nicely." This would probably go down the next time we work together which will be Wednesday or Thursday.

Or perhaps I should let it go this time, let it roll off my back as some stupid drama that really doesn't matter at all in the end. If I do that, though, I want to be sure that I'm prepared for these situations to occur again and have a plan for how to handle them. I didn't involve the manager, I didn't even confront her about her snarkiness, I simply let it go and tried to strike up a regular conversation with her later in the evening. It worked okay, but what would you advise for me to do next time?

Sometimes a few of my coworkers look at me as if I'm stupid when I ask a question. I'm of the mindset that I'd rather ask if I'm unsure of something than to just improvise and then deal with the repercussions of inevitable mistakes, but I am getting really tired of this holier-than-thou attitude. Should I confront the servers? Should I involve my manager? Should I let it slide?

It's probably worth noting that I'm in school, and that this job is merely a stepping stone for me towards bigger and better things. I'm going to have a real job one day, but for now it's whatever I can do to pay the bills. I very much want to do a good job, and I take a lot of pride in my restaurant. I want to prove to my managers that I am capable of behaving appropriately when faced with difficult circumstances. How can I best achieve this?

Thanks in advance :)

DoNotWantFilter: How to avoid buying tschotkes from coworker?

ShadePlant — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 09:48:40 -0800

How can I politely decline to buy stuff from a coworker who is constantly selling candles, Tupperware, etc? She and I work in the same area, about two cubes apart. She's a single mom and I know she doesn't have a ton of money but I don't want candles or dishes that are junky and overpriced! My other cop-out is that I'm in grad school and work full time on an entry-level social work salary. I don't have even "pity purchase" money, so the "buy something small and let it go" doesn't really work.

The tipping point was her inviting me to a "passion party" at her home where a representative would be selling sex toys. She invited other women, including my boss and her boss, which clearly ups the awkward ante. I rsvp'd online and she walked to my cube and said, "You said 'no' already?". I lied and said I had to take a licensing exam that Saturday. How can I get her off my case without being completely awful?

A Virginia ham? Why, thanks!

cabingirl — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 21:04:30 -0800

What gift can I give my European colleagues that is quintessential Virginia/Washington DC, without straying into "miniature Washington Monument" territory? In a few days, I am heading to Fairfax, VA for a multiple-week business trip. While there, I will be hosting two colleagues who are visiting from Europe and will be helping me out for two weeks. Our home office is in the Twin Cities, and I know that on past trips, other hosts have given them Minnesota-themed gifts. I'd like to get them each a gift in the $20 range that is unique to Virginia or DC without being cheesy. Food gifts can work if they aren't super perishable.

tension with a coworker

Anonymous — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 16:38:26 -0800

Problem with a coworker I am in a graduate program and I am having problems with a female coworker of mine. Since the past one year, I have noticed that she has been avoiding talking to me and also been ignoring me. I haven't been able to figure out the reason for this. The only clue I have is that she might be feeling a bit competitive with me. Once when she, I and some people were in the office lounge, someone asked my age. I told them what my age is. It turned out that she is one year younger than me and yet she has finished her topical while I am still working on my coursework. She said "Beat you to it" implying that she has gotten her topical done sooner than me. So that is what makes me think that she might be feeling jealous of me. I could be wrong. I don't think I am any brighter than she is, on the contrary I think that she is much more articulate than I am, so her feelings of competitiveness are unlikely to be for professional reasons. So I do not know why she behaves this way. At the risk of sounding vain, she might be feeling jealous of me for personal reasons, perhaps because she thinks I look better than her or something like that. ( This is pure speculation on my part.) I think she is quite attractive but she might have low self-esteem.

All this while I have been incredibly nice to her, complimented her when I genuinely liked something about her ( be it her dress, if she makes a nice point in class and taken an interest in her and so forth. I have also always tried to greet her. I have also tried to do this in a non-intrusive way. But there has been no response from her side.)

Anyway, things have come to a stage where this has begun to affect me. She always organizes social gatherings in which I am not invited, so this affects my social life. I try to avoid going to the lounge when she is there and this unnecessarily restricts my movement. It is also frustrating that I cannot talk about this with anyone in my department, so everyone is completely unaware of it. This angers me and hurts me.

I would like to make one formal attempt to normalize my relationship with her. Trying to talk to her hasn't helped so I was wondering if I should send an email to her and ask her if I have unwittingly done something to hurt her . I would also like to ask her if we can have a cordial working relationship for our remaining time in the department. ( I am not trying to be friends with her at this point.)

Do you think it is a good idea to email her? If yes, what exactly should I write in the email? What is her response likely to be? Can having one conversation with her in which she and I clear the air help?

Thanks!

What should I get for a coworker moving to Israel?

kittyprecious — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 09:36:00 -0800

Office Gift Filter: My senior coworker, who has been something of a mentor for the past year, is about to move back to Israel to care for his parents for the next two years. What would be a good "best-wishes" kind of gift? We're in DC. He's late-30s, married with two small kids, not really religious (and I espcially don't think anything Hanukkah-themed is appropriate in this case). We've talked a good deal about Middle East politics and current events, but apart from that and his family I haven't really learned much about his interests.

I was thinking something in the $20-30 range, but really have no idea what. And "moleskine" is not the answer to every gift question.

How to spread some cheer

geminus — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 05:58:57 -0800

How do I help out/cheer up a coworker? He's been going through some turbulent times recently. I'm trying to think of ways that I can discreetly help out in some way without making a big production of the whole thing He became a father a couple of months ago and is splitting time between his house and his in-laws (where his wife is, for the moment). Obviously, he misses his family a great deal. The biggest issue for him, however, is that his mother was diagnosed with stage-4 cancer - the disease has metastized. He's under a lot of strain as a result; especially since his mother is (understandably) devastated at the news and undergoing painful radiotherapy.

He doesn't have an extensive family structure to help out, as far as I'm aware. He also has to deal with this mostly by himself since he's the eldest male child and his mother is widowed.

A few complications: there are cultural and societal norms in play which may make offering to chip in for something or the other inappropriate because he's one of my direct reports, which complicates things a bit (it shouldn't, in my worldview but there we are). I've obviously asked him if he needs anything.

Ideas? Or should I just back off until he asks for help? Please give me some advice, hivemind.

How can I politely get a co-worker to stop pursuing a friendship with me?

Anonymous — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 13:12:00 -0800

How can I politely get a co-worker to stop pursuing a friendship with me? A lot more inside. I am a manager of a department at my place of employment. There is a young lady who works in another department who has taken quite a liking to me, and it is becoming a problem for me.

It started when I took a couple of smoke breaks and happened to bump into her outside. We would chit-chat about harmless things, and she seemed fairly normal. Then, one day, she asked me to go out for a drink with her and some of the work people. But, when I got there, it was just her and her fiancee. Sort of weird, but I was polite and stayed. But, it was on this occasion that I realized that I did not want to have a friendship with her, because she turned out to be an extremely negative person. She spent the whole evening saying awful, disgusting things about our co-workers that I believe were completely made up. For example she told me that one of our co-workers was arrested for molesting and selling drugs to minors. She told me that another was fired from a previous job for both racial and sexual harassment. I have no idea whether or not these things are true, I tend to think they aren't and I don't care, but either way, I think it is extremely inappropriate to spread these rumors.

Anyway, after that evening, I promptly stopped taking smoke breaks. I had hoped that this would give her the hint that I am not interested in talking with her. But now instead, she comes to my office every hour or so and cries and complains about her life. Her complaints range from her being "so much smarter" than her co-workers and how she never gets recognized for it, to things like her ex-boyfriend calling her to ask for his stuff back. She even called me from her office to tell me she has an emergency that she must speak with me about, and when I arranged some time to meet with her, thinking the emergency was work-related, I found out that the emergency was something about her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend calling her house or something equally stupid. She is taking time away from me to complete my job. I have told her that I don't have time to talk, but she just sits there and rambles. I don't make eye contact, I do not respond with anything other than a cold, "uh-huh," but she cannot take a hint.

This lady has a major reputation for not getting any work done (and I can see how because she spends her entire day trying to chit-chat with me or sending me clips to videos she finds on YouTube), and I do not want to be associated with her at all.

Even yesterday she invited me to Thanksgiving with her family, as if we were good friends rather than work acquaintances. I told her that I have my own family with whom I was planning to spend the day, and she sort of gave that look that undeniably says, "you bitch." And she also has started bringing me gifts that I do not want and I do not accept, but she continues to bring me things. She also calls my cell phone on the weekends (she got my number off the emergency snow phone tree list) and asks me to go out with her. I never answer, but she leaves messages. Then at work, I never acknowledge that she called. Sometimes she asks why I didn't call back and I just pretend I never got the message.

Actually, the whole thing is verging on stalker-y. She makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

But, as I said, I am trying to be polite because we work together, so it's not as if I have the option to never see her again. Also, due to her propensity for making up damaging rumors about people, I afraid to get on her bad side.

So, please, can anyone give me some advice on how to deal with this person? As I said, I want to be as polite as possible, but I need to be definitive. I had considered going to her boss (my peer), but unfortunately, her boss just quit the job and I know that the boss's replacement will be busy training and adjusting to his or her new position, and I would hate to dump this on them while they are trying to adjust.

Ugh! She called now! Trying again to sell me on this idea of spending Thanksgiving with her! Help me!

What to get kind of wedding gift should I, a very poor college student, give my coworker?

ad4pt — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 19:27:10 -0800

What to get kind of wedding gift should I, a very poor college student, give my coworker? I work in a very small law office. There's only two lawyers and three secretaries. One of the secretaries is getting married tomorrow and I don't know what to get her. She's 27. She's Vietnamese and her fiance is Chinese. There will be about 600 people there.
I'm a college student so I don't have a lot of money to spend. The cheaper the suggestion the better.

Collegial concern: going too far?

Anonymous — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 07:17:49 -0800

Collegial concern: going too far? One of our workmates is so grossly overweight that we're fearful for him. One of my workmates is possibly the fattest person I have ever known who can still walk.

This week he didn't turn up to work for several days in a row, and owing to a miscommunication, no one was aware that he had called in sick. Because of his extreme overweight, several of us were wondering whether he had a fall or a heart attack or some other misadventure related to his size. We were debating checking out his house when we managed to track him down and find out he was ok.

He is quite young and does not appear to have any immediate family or friends who might exert an influence.

Is there any way to broach our concern for his health and offer support that isn't over-reaching? Clearly, no one can be that big and unaware of the consequences, but it feels inhumane to say nothing.

I wish I didn't know about your blog

Anonymous — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 17:31:10 -0800

One of my coworkers has a personal blog which periodically has some Very Ugly entries about other coworkers. I mean, seriously, vulgar and uncalled-for entries. I hesitate to go to the blogger directly for fear of arousing their direct anger. I'd want to know if I was one of the targets (I'm not, so far, but several of my ((respected)) coworkers are). I've been keeping mum so far but feeling weird about it.

My co-worker might be trying to get me fired

Anonymous — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 13:46:30 -0800

Co-worker is rude and dismissive because of something I said. Is there anything I can do to prevent her from threatening my standing with the higher ups? I'm a lawyer. About three weeks ago, a co-worker of mine blew up at me because I asked whether she was going to take over a task on a case we are both on.

I tried to smooth over the situation, but there is no way to do so. I've tried talking to her. She just acts rude and dismissive. When we pass each other in the hall, she doesn't say hi or anything. I have no interest in being this person's friend, but it does increase the tension level at work.

To compound things, she's a bit of a phony. She will pretend we're buddies if the managing partner is around. The moment he leaves, it's back to the old treatment.

I don't want this person to threaten my job or bad mouth me to the higher ups. Anything I can do pre-emptively to head off anything she does to make me look bad?

How do I work with someone that has no desire to work with me?

Anonymous — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 11:24:56 -0800

My coworker doubts my abilities, hates my work, and tells everyone. Some advice, please on how to cope. The office I work for has several divisions. I used to work on one team, but due to financial problems, the company went through major cutbacks, and I’m also now doing the work of my counter-part on another team after she was let go.
One of the heads on the team i was added to doesn’t like me. I’m not sure what or why - but my thought is that she was rather attached to the person i replaced. So now, everything I do is criticized by her. I can handle that. And I also know that I'm doing a very good job here because I've been told by many of my other coworkers. I'm really trying my best to please her and make the situation work, but she's dead-set against me. She's not my boss or manager, but I do have to take direction from her. What bothers me is that she talks to everyone else about how much she doubts my abilities, and that I "just don't get it like so&so did." She's said some pretty terrible things about my work, even to people who don't work in the office, but I have professional contact with. I think this is highly unprofessional of her, and although I'm confident & more mature than this, I still feel as if I need to be defensive prove my abilities constantly. There's no "HR" in this company. What advice do all of you wonderful mefites have?

Why do they hate me?

Anonymous — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 18:42:13 -0800

Everyone at work makes fun of me. How can I deal with it? I recently started working at a new job. I'm a man, and most of my co-workers are older females. At first, things were fun. But, now I've noticed that my co-workers like to make fun of me. They make fun of my implied nerdiness, my sense of style, and anything else they can come up with.

It's supposedly in good humor, but sometimes I feel as if I'm being attacked for no good reason other than being there. Unfortunately, I'm not quick-witted enough to come up with zingers, but feel like telling them I'm hurt will only make me seem more weak.

What can I do?

Does a reply-all really reply to all?

Baby_Balrog — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 11:09:13 -0800

How do bcc's work, exactly? I think I caught someone doing something bad. I received a particularly vociferous, nasty email today from a coworker. She accused me of all manner of villainy and inadequacy. She cc'd my boss and a couple of other people. When I "replied all" (with a sincere apology, an expression of confusion and an offer to meet in person to amend any wrongdoings) I received an SMTP error in reply, that my message could not be delivered to a particular address.
BUT - the particular address that the message could not be delivered to is the email address of a former employee, one who was asked to resign over some misconduct, and was not present in the original list of individuals who were cc'd.

My question is this, I guess: When you "reply all" does it include anyone bcc'd on the original email? If so, did the smtp error reveal the person who was bcc'd? Here is the error it returned to me (with relevant email addresses redacted - the email address of the former employee is the earthlink address):

This message was created automatically by mail delivery software (Exim).

A message that you sent could not be delivered to one or more of its
recipients. This is a permanent error. The following address(es) failed:

[redacted]@earthlink.net
SMTP error from remote mailer after RCPT TO::
host mx3.earthlink.net [209.86.93.228]: 550 [redacted]@earthlink.net...User unknown

if my coworker is bcc'ing this former employee regarding business issues, this would be a very, very unethical thing.

Should someone ask a coworker to crack their back?

TheManChild2000 — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 21:15:54 -0800

Should it generally be considered inappropriate for a coworker that's just an acquaintance to ask you to crack their back from behind? The crotch-to-ass contact made me really uncomfortable, but maybe it's just because I'm generally super uptight. I was the cracker, she the crackee, in case it matters.

What to do about an over-perfumed coworker?

hades — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 15:56:54 -0800

How should I deal with someone higher up on the org chart who wears way too much perfume, and who my direct superiors have been reluctant to confront about it? The manager of a group within my department, but which is not my group, is about to move into an office next to mine. I am allergic to her perfume, to the point that when she simply walks through the office suite, I can't think straight for half an hour due to swelling eyes, itchy nose and mild headache. Last year, when she started attending a monthly meeting I participated in, I talked to my manager's manager (who is at the same organizational level as she is) and he advised me to skip the meeting and to feel free to take a break in the fresh air whenever she was going to be in our office suite. Obviously this won't work once her office is 15 feet away from mine.

I've talked to my manager, who agrees that it sounds like a problem, but doesn't have any ideas. I offered to take a laptop and work from somewhere else on campus, because I thought she was only going to be here for a week or two. He told me that it's more likely to be for the next five or six months, so that's probably not a realistic solution.

From talking with my co-workers, I know that I'm not the only one bothered by her perfume. I think I'm the most affected, though.

I've asked my manager's manager's manager (the director of our division) about the possibility of making our shared office space a fragrance-free zone, and while she agreed in principle that it might be a good idea, she seemed uncomfortable with actually trying to do anything about it, so I haven't raised the issue again. We're moving to an open floor plan cube farm later this year, and eating in the cubes has been preemptively banned out of consideration for others who would have to smell the food, so I might raise the perfume issue again then.

Closing my office door doesn't work for long--there's negative air pressure in here thanks to the ventilation system, so all the smells from the shared suite get sucked in through the cracks. Should I invest in a case of Ozium? A face mask and charcoal filters? Should I take it another level up the org chart, to the assistant vice president? Just let it go and hope I develop a tolerance? Get a prescription for something?

Is there a polite way to tell someone they're wearing enough perfume to strip the paint off the walls? Given how reluctant anyone I've talked to has been to raise this with her, she must have some kind of political clout, so I don't want to offend her myself. I'd managed to almost completely avoid university politics in my seven years so far; I can't believe perfume is what's going to suck me in.