Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with coping

How do I cope with jealousy of other peoples' intimacy?

Anonymous — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 18:02:45 -0800

I am a straight 29-year old male who has never been in a relationship or had any sexual experience. When I find out that other people I know are entering into relationships or getting frisky, I get slammed by a whole cluster of negative emotions, and I need help coping. These negative feelings include pain, like I got the wind knocked out of me and my chest is collapsing, extreme jealousy, anger, misogynistic thoughts like "all women are bitches because they'll hook up with that kind of guy but not me," and thoughts that I maybe my life isn't worth living anymore. (To be clear, I have zero desire to act on that thought, and I find it terrifying when it comes up. If I ever started planning ways to commit suicide, I would immediately seek in-person professional help.)

As I've gotten older and still been without any intimate relationships, these feelings have gotten worse. I used to only experience this when a girl I had a crush on would choose someone else, but it's getting to the point where finding out that anyone I know is sexually involved with someone or is in a relationship with another person can bring up these feelings.

I'm not asking for strategies to find a girlfriend or get laid, and so I'm leaving out the background of why my dating history has been non-existent. What I really need are some ways to keep these feelings from overwhelming me and to deal with the fact that other people get into relationships and have sex.

Help, need to get out of my "slump"!

Anonymous — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 08:12:25 -0800

Worried about my emotional well-being, and my future. Need some good Metafilter advice.... I am a 34 y/o female who is gainfully employed and generally self-sufficient (own my own home, car, take care of the house, etc.) but I am extremely lonely and feel more and more isolated everyday. I grew up in a very dysfunctional (full of abuse) family, and likewise, my family ties are small, if not non-existent. My younger sister, who I was once close to, has not spoken to me for 2 years over a decision I made concerning her...my two older brothers have never liked me (due to some issues that occurred when we were younger) and are both married now and rarely if ever interact with me. My parents are both alive, but aging and neither are in good health, my mom is the greatest support, but our relationship is somewhat difficult due to varying religious beliefs (this is not on my end, but on hers).

In a nutshell, I don't have a family really...when there is a holiday, there are no celebrations (also due to my mom's religious beliefs), when I meet a guy, there is no one to introduce him to, there are no regular interactions and no one desires to have them. Also, since my sister moved back in with my mom, and bcs of the strained relationship bt/n her and I, I am barely welcome there. This is, in and of itself, bad enough, but add to it, that I do not have friends.

Growing up in a dysfunctional family, it is hard to make friends...so, there were none from childhood. I did make a few friends after I moved away from home and started college, but many of those relationships died over the years due to losing contact after some time, and/or life changes (marriage, kids, etc.)...further, about 8 years ago, I became a Christian (after being under my parents Jehovah's Witness upbringing for my whole life) and after doing so, I lost a lot of friends then too. So again, there is no one to share with, fellowship with, interact with...I spend all holidays and birthdays alone. I long to have solid relationships, but I often get rejected when I try to make friends. I really thought I would make friends in church, but those relationship are not very deep. People are often cliquey even in church (which is so sad).

I realize that I am the "common denominator" in all of this and that perhaps the problem is me, and not others (I have done therapy and come to this semi-conclusion), yet, I really feel that I am a nice person and worth of knowing...still, here I am at 34 and feeling completely isolated and alone. I really don't know what to do bcs I feel if something does not change, I will never get out of this slump. Any advice, suggestions, encouragement from the mefi community? I realize a lot of ppl will likely advise me to "get out and meet ppl" but I assure you, I have tried that, it just rarely goes anywhere! Thanks for your time.

Perspectives on the downward spiral, please

greenland — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 22:57:04 -0800

Need advice for books on how to deal with a family member's suicide. I have every reason to believe that I just saw a close relative in the flesh for the last time. I can't really talk to anyone about this, so I'm hoping to find a book or three (or a blog, anything written) about or from people who've had to go through the experience of having to watch someone slip away, despite their best efforts. I know I can read through Amazon or Goodreads reviews, but I trust the hivemind more. Any suggestions?

I am an oversensitive wimp.

molybdenumblue — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 08:35:18 -0800

How to be more resilient to constructive criticism? Sorry if this has been covered well before, but it's hard to search for. I have trouble dealing with criticism. I don't mean that I'm not open to it, or become angry, just that it really hurts my feelings and discourages me. Even when comments are phrased specifically and respectfully, I have trouble seeing anything but the negativity.

For example, if a professor marks up a paper of mine--even if I get a high B or a low A on it!--I can't read his/her comments without feeling personally hurt, to the point that I often avoid looking at them. If someone pulls me aside to make a legitimate suggestion in person, I am often on the verge of tears at the end of the conversation.

This is especially true when I'm under a lot of stress (as lately), but looking back, it's always been with me. I'm told that many people in my generation are accustomed to constant praise, but I don't think of myself as spoiled. I want to be someone who takes criticism in stride and implements it. What are some strategies I can use to cut down on the discouragement (and the looking crazy) and focus on improving?

How to compartmentalize and get centered during a rough time.

Anonymous — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 18:11:26 -0800

How to compartmentalize and get centered during a rough time. I've had a rough year in many small ways. The two previous years I lived abroad in a country I love and where I have a lot of friends, but my visa expired. I moved back to my home country and to a new city, and while nothing's 'bad,' it's been difficult: I live in a terrible apartment that is literally falling apart (today the garbage disposal and doorknob both broke!), and which has been infiltrated by every imaginable pest, with roommates who refuse to deal with any of it and refuse to call our landlord, who yells at us (well, me, since the other two won't call) whenever we have an issue. I'm looking for a new place to live, which is good, but that process has also been stressful.

I work in a job I don't care for, and I don't make much money at all. Like everybody, I guess, I like a few of my coworkers while a few of them get on my last nerve. I'm applying for grad schools in the fall for the following year, and while I'm working on grad school applications I don't see much point in wasting time trying to find another job too, especially in this economy.

I had a falling out with my best friend in January, and around April we sort-of mended it, but we're basically out-of-touch, which makes me incredibly sad -- but at the same time, every effort to get back in touch has come from me and he hasn't met me halfway. I've found myself reevaluating many of my friendships, and not really wanting to be around many people I used to be friends with.

My problem isn't so much that I'm sad, or upset, though I am sometimes. More than that, though, I get so frustrated -- with my friends, my roommates, my coworkers. I lay down at night to sleep and my head is just buzzing with all of the little annoyances of the day, all of the problems that I end up dealing with because people who won't seem to live up to their responsibilities, whether my coworkers or my roommates. The problem is that I feel so overwhelmed and frustrated with everybody that even little things that I know wouldn't have bothered me that much in the past become extremely frustrating and annoying.

I know if I read this post I'd immediately think 'therapy.' I've gone to therapy in the past and found it helpful, and I'm looking into it now - money is an issue, but I'm trying to find something that will work.

But my question right now isn't about therapy, I'm specifically looking for any coping mechanisms or strategies you've found work for you to be able to set these frustrations out of your mind, or to at least compartmentalize, or just find some way to get centered and find some sort of peace. I'm not sleeping well and I just really need to be able to set my mind to rest.

I don't want your drama, miss thing.

wild like kudzu — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 20:16:52 -0800

So, I've been promoted at work and everything is going swimmingly except for some difficult interpersonal stuff with a few coworkers. I need help to decide how to handle these situations... Okay, so I work in a restaurant. I was a hostess, and after about a year of that I've been upped to server status. The transition is pretty smooth considering how well I already know the restaurant, staff and menu. I've made very few mistakes, and none have been more serious than needing to get an item comped off a receipt. My bosses are pleased and are looking to give me more shifts, and customers have already been asking to speak with my managers to tell them what a great job I was doing.

Though I am working very hard and trying my best to do right by the restaurant, the staff, my bosses and clientele, a few of my coworkers have not been completely nice to me.

Today for example, I ordered food from the bar to munch on during my shift. Someone had told me recently that there was only a certain time frame during which eating is okay, but today I forgot. The bartender neglected to inform me, and given that everybody else eats up there all the time, I didn't think anything of it. Later, though, my coworker approached me and asked whether I had ordered the food. I replied that I had a while ago, but I had gotten busy so I hadn't eaten any of it. She rolled her eyes at me and brushed past me, shaking her head. I really didn't know what she was upset about until a few minutes later when she told me I'm not supposed to order food or eat during the shift. Okay, I said, I'm sorry I just forgot. A few minutes later my manager came up to lecture me about it, I admitted my fault and apologized again. I know that #1, this coworker obviously went and told my boss, #2 nobody else really cared, and my manager was not upset at all, and #3, I promptly threw out the food once I realized my mistake.

But here's the thing-- I am really not difficult to approach. I try to do extra nice things just to be nice to my coworkers by helping them with their tables, covering shifts last minute, being respectful to my bosses, thanking them for any and all help and apologizing for any mistake or inconvenience I cause. All it would have taken was a brief "Oh, hey, don't forget we're not supposed to eat during this time" and I would have said "Oh right! Sorry" and that would have been all... instead I felt she gave me attitude and tried to get me in trouble. That bothers me.

Also, throughout the night her interactions with me had a distinct superior vibe to them which really got under my skin. At the end of the night when I was doing my closing sidework she said I had done a "half-ass" job and that she would let it slide this time, but not next time. She told me I needed to clean the wall behind the bus tubs, so I began to take the tubs off of the rack when she grabbed them out of my hands and said "I said it was fine this time!" loudly in my face. To prevent any further drama, I put the tubs back, turned around, walked away, finished my work and left for home.

As I was driving home I was so furious, but then the frustration gave way to tears. So what do I do, hivemind? I'm slightly frustrated with myself for not standing up to her and demanding decent treatment, but now that I'm home I feel that texting/calling/emailing her would be inappropriate. Now I'm wondering if perhaps I should confront her (nicely of course, I try very hard not to be snarky or mean) and telling her "I really don't appreciate the way you spoke to me on Sunday, I'm always open to constructive criticism but I respectfully ask that you tell me these things nicely. I want to do a good job, and I respect that you have been here for longer and know what you're doing, so please, if you must correct me, do so nicely." This would probably go down the next time we work together which will be Wednesday or Thursday.

Or perhaps I should let it go this time, let it roll off my back as some stupid drama that really doesn't matter at all in the end. If I do that, though, I want to be sure that I'm prepared for these situations to occur again and have a plan for how to handle them. I didn't involve the manager, I didn't even confront her about her snarkiness, I simply let it go and tried to strike up a regular conversation with her later in the evening. It worked okay, but what would you advise for me to do next time?

Sometimes a few of my coworkers look at me as if I'm stupid when I ask a question. I'm of the mindset that I'd rather ask if I'm unsure of something than to just improvise and then deal with the repercussions of inevitable mistakes, but I am getting really tired of this holier-than-thou attitude. Should I confront the servers? Should I involve my manager? Should I let it slide?

It's probably worth noting that I'm in school, and that this job is merely a stepping stone for me towards bigger and better things. I'm going to have a real job one day, but for now it's whatever I can do to pay the bills. I very much want to do a good job, and I take a lot of pride in my restaurant. I want to prove to my managers that I am capable of behaving appropriately when faced with difficult circumstances. How can I best achieve this?

Thanks in advance :)

Getting over it

Anonymous — Sun, 03 May 2009 16:12:07 -0800

Hi it's been 2 months since I posted this question. I have cut ties since the posting of that question and have not contacted the person. Any tips or advice for what to do when the urge strikes to contact him? I've been pretty good during this past 1 month and 1/2ish time period - some days I don't think about contacting him at all. However, other days all I want to do is contact them. I don't know why really, the "urgency" of needing the friendship that I had in the earlier question is not there for me anymore (really realizing that you want to be with someone who doesn't want you? complete anti-aphrodisiac). But why do I sometimes feel the urge to contact him? And does anyone have tips on how to combat those thoughts?

My theory: I feel a sort of bittersweet-ness... like I yearn for the things that could have been with us (as short as the dating period was). But I know they can't. How do you cope in that situation?

A book for coping with stress?

Anonymous — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 19:25:16 -0800

Recommendations for a book on coping / handling stress? My girl friend has always been very responsible in all areas of her life, work, finance, etc. But lately she's had trouble letting things go when she should.

Mush of this worrying is about things that she has no control over (friend being sick), are far in the future, are highly improbable, and even in some cases, things that really have nothing to do with her (a friends problem).

She's always seemed quite stable and generally happy, but worrying is beginning to take it's toll on her sleep and overall happiness.

Can anyone recommend a book that might help her deal with general life stress?

How to help a friend cope with a parent's attempted suicide.

Anonymous — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 16:49:28 -0800

Help me support a friend whose father attempted suicide. Added complication: my friend is half a world away from both his family and me. My friend "M" called me a few hours ago with the horrible news that his father had attempted suicide. Its caught him and his family completely off-guard as M's dad has always projected the image being the total strong and capable father/husband/provider - also the type that probably bottled issues and emotions up, fwiw. Thankfully, it does appear that he's now getting the care that he needs. My question is how to support my best friend through this.

The complication is that M is currently stationed overseas, with his family and myself back in the states. Talking to M, he seems to be a little dazed by these events right now. I've strongly urged him to go talk to someone over there - he mentioned that there are facilities with counselors/therapists where he's at, or he may go talk to his unit's chaplain. This is his second deployment, and he's always had such an incredibly good state of mind given the stressful conditions he's faced, and I worry that this could really throw him. M pushes himself hard being a good officer and commander, I'm concerned he won't make the effort/take the time to help himself deal with it.

I'm the person that he's emotionally closest to (much more so than his family), and we're able to talk fairly often. I've already started to gently urge him to talk to a professional about this, and I'll continue to do so. But I want ideas/suggestions/comments on anything else I can say or do to help him through this tremendously difficult time. If you wish to respond off-metafilter, please email me at: anonsupport3@gmail.com

Are these feelings normal, or symptoms of depression?

alpha_betty — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 09:06:56 -0800

How do I sort out whether my feelings are due to grief, or depression, and how do I proceed after the suicide of my brother-in-law? About a month ago, I began feeling the effects of depression. Periodically throughout my life, I have had major depressive episodes (diagnosed by a physician and a psychologist separately) and I have gotten semi-used to them, so it wasn't much cause for alarm, aside from the fact that it was the first one in quite a long time.

About two weeks into my funk, my brother-in-law (remember Mike?) committed suicide. It has now been just over two weeks since he died, and I am obviously feeling a lot of things: grief for his wife and family, especially my husband, with whom he was close - and grief for Mike, for feeling that desperate and hopeless; disbelief that he did what he did and that he's really gone; guilt and regret about the feelings detailed in the linked question; and the underlying depression that I was already in the middle of.

I am not suicidal, but I feel numb. I was once on antidepressants but haven't been for about two years. My husband and I have an appointment with a counselor on Saturday, and I have purchased a book on grief to understand what I and others around me are feeling (it is en route). I am questioning whether I should go see my GP to get a prescription for antidepressants, because I am not functioning well at the moment and when I have felt like this previously, I have been extremely destructive with my life (quit my job, quit school, self-harmed, etc.). At that time, however, I was not in counseling or therapy. I know it's normal to have a period of grief after a death, but I don't know where the line is drawn as far as normal vs. needing extra help. This is my first experience with death.

So how do I determine whether my feelings and emotions are cause for intensive treatment, or if it's a normal grief experience?

(My husband, for his part, seems to be coping better than I, but I believe that he is looking forward to counseling, as well.)

You ever have one of those days?

pseudostrabismus — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 12:18:18 -0800

I'm having an "off day" for no particular reason. Feeling grouchy & peevish. This is dumb. Please help me fix it. Specifics are unnecessary, but basically a few things went wrong. Nothing major, mostly on the scale of "annoying". And there were some unrelated problems that all happened in a row- a small stack of irritating coincidences, starting in the morning and compounding all day, probably slightly exacerbated by my worsening mood.

I'm fully aware that I should just let inconsequential stuff like this roll off my back, and how lucky I am to be alive & healthy in a nice country & etc. But nevertheless, I feel grumpy, petulant, discouraged, and annoyed at myself for reacting this way. It's just a bad day, fer Pete's sake, get over it, right?

I have a few things I usually do to try and fix bad days, but suddenly it occurred to me that you probably have even better ideas. So, hive mind, what are your best strategies? How do you turn a bad day around?
Thanks!

My little brother is in an abusive relationship. What do I do?

Anonymous — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 21:12:57 -0800

My little brother is in an abusive relationship. What do I do? My brother (in his early 20s) has spent the past year in a relationship with an incredibly manipulative and controlling girl. He's young and so I always assumed it would pass. Then, my mother started to lose her ability to keep it together over this. Then, my brother and his girlfriend started talking marriage. I've tried confronting my brother, I've tried confronting his girlfriend, I've tried talking civilly to his girlfriend, I've tried having a heart to heart with him. I've tried having a male relative close to his age talking to him about it. I've gently suggested he talk to someone.

My questions are: what should I do for my brother? On a daily basis, I don't know whether to shake him and scream in his face or threaten him or call him up and cry (okay, probably all bad ideas). I essentially want to kill the girl who is treating this way, but I cant, so how do I deal with the fact that she's not going anywhere anytime soon? And, what do I do for my mom? It's upsetting enough to feel like I've lost my brother/best friend, but it's pretty bad, too, having an inconsolable mother call daily. How, finally, do I reconcile it in my head, or, at the very least, not feel cripplingly depressed about it all?

A book for a grieving 20something.

CwgrlUp — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 10:31:31 -0800

Please suggest helpful books on the grieving process for a twentysomething who just lost her mom. My wife, at the ripe old age of 23, just lost her mother unexpectedly. She knows she needs a therapist but she is going to use one at school and classes don't start for another month. In the meantime, I'd appreciate any suggestions on books that might be helpful. Books on the typical grieving process or maybe from someone who has been through a similar situation. Nothing textbookish please, I think something more personal would be best. Something that helps her believe that the things she's going through are "normal." Thanks.

Describing social anxiety and panic attacks.

zennie — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 13:25:41 -0800

What's an effective way to describe social anxiety and panic attacks to people who are unfamiliar with these concepts? Sometimes, there's little choice but to attempt an explanation, on the spot (let's assume you're not carrying around literature with you). How would you handle that? Metaphors? Anecdotes?

Building confidence in my ability to overcome adversity

Ringo — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 05:19:46 -0800

I've concluded that my generalized anxiety comes from a lack of confidence in my ability to cope with adversity. How can I change this? I've tried listing times in the past that I have overcome adversity, but they all seem relatively insignificant. No deaths to people very close to me, no poverty. Just some periods of underemployment and a couple of breakups. I did mostly overcome those things, but the thoughts about the future that grip me are larger things: never finding anyone, not having enough money, being trapped in an unhappy life situation that I can't get out of.

Paradoxically, most adversity I've gone through has been caused by my own anxiety. And my tendency to crumple into a ball of anxiety when faced with adversity seems to reinforce my belief that I won't be able to cope.

How else could I approach this confidence-building?

Alternatively, is there anything else that you found your generalized anxiety was rooted in other than this lack of confidence?

Bad news - can anything make the wait any easier?

MadMage — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 21:01:45 -0800

Hints on easing the wait for bad news. With complications, and a story about my cat. My cat Livingstone was hit by a car yesterday. At least, that's what the vet thinks. What I know is that instead of bounding up like his playful furry self, demanding pats and food when I got home from work about 5:30pm, he was hiding out in his safe place (under our bed).

About 7pm he came out into the loungeroom, where I was watching TV, and vomited twice on the carpet. I cleaned it up, and moved him to a comfy spot. He stayed there a while, without moving, washing or doing much of anything, and then went back under the bed. There was no sign of any physical injury.

This morning he was still very lethargic. He'd moved twice during the night, but not more than 3 feet from our bed. During the night he also made a few whining/gurgling noises which were slightly unusual. I got up and patted him, but he didn't respond very much.

I was really worried that he had eaten something poisonous, and took him to the vet as soon as it opened (8am). The vet thought that was probably right, took obs, and said that he looked really sick (pale, low core temperature, depressed breathing) and would start him on maintenance immediately and call me back.

When he did, about 10:00am, he told me that he hadn't eaten anything, but that he'd suffered a severe impact (probably been hit by a car), had a large inguinal hernia, and was very unstable. He said he would almost certainly need surgical repair, but couldn't tell me exactly what until he had opened him up to see what damage had been done - and that there was no prospect of doing that today, given his condition, because the surgery would kill him.

He's going to call me back this afternoon in a few hours to tell me whether Livingstone is stable enough to be operated upon.

I'm going out of my mind while I wait to know whether he will live or die.

I understand that he is probably suffering from (at least) hemorrhagic shock. I understand that there's no way to know, at this point, whether he's going to make it.

I'm extremely familiar with the symptoms of anxiety, because I've had chronic anxiety for years. I've been on Lexapro for about two years now, and have some Xanax for controlling panic attacks (long term panic disorder). I can feel myself trying *really* hard to panic, and equally feel myself reflexively shutting it down. It's getting harder and harder to do.

I've also lost a much-loved cat before in the same way, and that flattened me for a good four months while I dealt with the concomitant grief and depression.

I know I have to wait. I know I've done everything I can for Livingstone. I know that grief and pathological depression / anxiety/ panic are not the same. I know that if it's really bad, I'll have to go back and see my doctor again.

Does anyone have any advice on easing the burden of waiting? Similarly, if he doesn't make it, can anyone suggest ways I could start preparing myself to deal with that, that might help ease the pain?

I'm not out of control. But I know what's down there, and I don't want to go down there again.

Any advice appreciated.

Friendship vicissitudes management

Anonymous — Wed, 07 May 2008 09:53:39 -0800

Why am I so bad at "letting go," and how can I better come to grips with the idea that some people are only in our lives for a certain window of time? A few specific details: I'm female, mid-20s, well-educated, about to graduate from med school. Have done fairly well in my professional life and I look pulled together on the outside. But personally, I need to learn some coping methods and mechanisms.

Backstory: I was overweight for a very long period of my life. I had never really had friends, and generally did not fit in. This was coupled with parents who come from an old world ethnic/traditional background who were always suspicious of outsiders of the family as friends. Basically the message sent to me was why are you crying over wanting friends, no one will ever be as good of a friend to you as your family. There's more, but suffice it to say, I never really had friends and always grew up with this yearning for that heartfelt, finish each other's sentences, have each other's back kind of friendship.

A few years ago, I lost a lot of weight. I gained more confidence, got out away from my parents' roof, and found that people seemed interested in having a friendship with me. The problem is that I don't know how to deal with the vicissitudes of these friendships (stuff I am assuming people probably experienced when they were teens). Two examples come to mind:

1. I have one friend with whom I bonded because we share the same religion, which is a minority one. She is ostensibly more religious than me, and always says that there is a benefit to entering relationships with people of the same religious faith because you will likely base the friendship on seeking God. I struggle with religion, but I want to continue my search for questions and answers, and I want to have friends of my religion so I can feel the fellowship that comes with being of a particular religious pursuit. Yet, when it comes to maintaining a friendship with me, she is terrible. It feels so one-sided, that I am the one emailing and calling and putting myself out there. I have checked to see if I am being clingy or overbearing, which I know can annoy/frighten people away, but I am not (literally my communications with her now are like once every 2 months). I guess I feel resentful a little bit... that she is hypocritical for acting the way she does, even though she believes that friendships should be based on God/religious pursuit/etc.

2. A friend of mine ended up liking me, and drama/complications arose, etc, but suffice it to say, they doesn't like me anymore in that way. that's fine. Fast forward to many months later, and I am still trying to maintain a friendship with them, and it's horrible. I, again, initiate, and when we do hang out, this person makes it seem like they are sacrificing time they could be spending with other people for me. This sucks. I was there for this person back when they were going through some big-time problems of their own. And now, I feel like I am chopped liver. Is it that once that line of friendship is broached it cannot just go back to the way it was, even if both parties have no interest in each other romantically?

Do I just let these friendships fade in the good night? I have communicated with both of them about my feelings, and I have just gotten stonewalled with no real resolution. I am really bad at dealing with the idea that people who were so dear and close to me can, slowly, fade away. I think it stems from my past and my overwhelming desire to have friends. There's also a part of me that wants to prove my parents wrong -- that you can have relationships that are meaningful outside the family.

In both these instances, and I have consulted with others, I don't think I have done or made any egregious action per se. I am human, of course, so maybe I have slipped up, but nothing that they've come back and said -- this friendship is over. I hate the idea of these people going from close confidants to just acquaintances that i would say hey-whats-up at a party.

My apologies for the length. Any anecdotes or advice on how to deal would be appreciated.

How do I maintain my sanity when my partner has ADHD?

Anonymous — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 12:40:03 -0800

My partner has ADHD and I need ways of understanding/coping with his behavior so I can maintain my sanity. We live together, are in our mid 30s, no kids, and have been together for four years. My boyfriend was diagnosed with ADHD about a year later. He was on meds (Ritalin) for about a year, but stopped taking them because he felt like he was weak for needing drugs, and because he didn't like the side effects. We had a major confrontation where I insisted he go back on them or go back to the doctor to get a different prescription. He occasionally takes them now, but mostly "forgets," and he's "forgotten" to make an appointment with the doctor despite many reminders. He's also "forgotten" to make an appointment for couples counseling (I don't have insurance and I don't know which doctors are on his plan, so I can't make the appointment.). I suspect that some of this forgetfulness is passive-aggressiveness. I've been as supportive as I know how to be; I've read up on ADHD, I've assured him that I don't think less of him and I have tried to be patient with his distractedness, forgetfulness, and irresponsibility.

But sometimes I just reach my limit and I don't know how to handle this any better than I have been. He pays the rent, because his income is much more than mine (I pay the utilities and many other incidentals). He is late with the rent EVERY SINGLE MONTH despite my reminders. Our landlord is pretty passive and hasn't insisted on late fees, but we're planning to move at the end of our lease and I'm afraid he won't give us a good reference. He's late with other bills and has completely destroyed his credit, so that any major purchases must be made by me. He's tried various organizational tools such as financial software, but doesn't stick with it. He has most of his bills set up on auto-pay, but they frequently bounce.

Then there's the housework. I won't say he doesn't do anything, because he can be extremely helpful in short bursts, but if we've planned to clean the house on a given day, it's like pulling teeth. I accept that he'll always be naturally messier than I am (and I am far from a neat freak), but I don't know how to deal with the constant promises of "Oh, I'll clean that up tomorrow" only to have the mess sit there for weeks. He plays video games and watches TV instead of doing his laundry, and then has no clean clothes to wear. This kind of stuff bothers me the most because he fails to plan or procrastinates and ends up stressed out, and doesn't seem to learn any lesson at all from this. He loses his stuff constantly (phone, keys, wallet) and can't learn to put it in the same place every day.

I'm sensitive to the fact that people with ADHD have been called lazy and stupid much of their lives, and he is a pretty classic case, having dropped out of college numerous times, bounced around different jobs, etc. His mother is a rescuer, and probably would still do his laundry if I wasn't in the picture. I refuse to be a parent to him and refuse to clean up his messes (literally and figuratively). He is extremely sensitive to what he perceives as nagging or accusation. 95% of our fights begin with me saying something like "Hey, did you get a chance to do task X yet?" and him spiraling into "I can't ever do anything right, can I?"

His ADHD seems to affect his work and he's frequently very stressed out because he's behind due to his inability to focus (his boss is also certifiably insane, but that's another issue). I've tried to get him to exercise, to meditate, to do anything to relieve the stress, but it seems like all he wants to do is watch TV and play videogames, which don't seem to do anything as far as stress relief because he's still up half the night fretting.

Despite all this, I really do love him. He's sweet, generous, intelligent, funny and he absolutely adores me. I do believe he tries his best to make me happy. I really want to stay with him - this is not a "should I leave" question. However, I won't stay "no matter what" - I've already threatened to leave because of his temper (verbal, not physical), and he's completely changed in that regard, so I know he can control at least that much. I just want to know if there is any better way to approach a partner with ADHD.

It should be said that I am not the most easygoing person in the world. I have an anxiety disorder as well as issues with abandonment. I know the ADHD feeds into these things, as I often feel like I'm not exciting enough for him. Because of the distractibility, sometimes I don't even feel like I'm there. (Example: if we go to a restaurant with a TV in the dining area, he becomes fixated on the TV to the exclusion of our conversation.) I have worked on these issues in therapy on my own (and I'm on medication), but I haven't figured out a way to reconcile them with the ADHD.

How can my girlfriend reduce her anxiety so I can go out socially?

AuroraSky — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 14:04:42 -0800

For the past few months my girlfriend has felt very anxious when I have discussed going to out any social event with my friends, so I have been staying at home which makes her feel guilty but has been the only way she could cope. She wants to get better but doesn't know any skills or techniques for reducing anxiety that would help her, and her feelings of guilt only make things harder. Of course there's deep background inside. I have a question for anxiety sufferers out there especially those who feel able to cope to some degree. It’s for my girlfriend but is not specifically social anxiety I don’t think but I feel it’s related. But I feel I can post here as she and I both suffer from social anxiety.

This is somewhat difficult to explain but I will try to give you some background information on her mental health problems and what has been happening to her at the moment. At the moment and for quite a long time my girlfriend has been having problems with anticipatory anxiety (acute anxiety before an event – which is very difficult to stop thinking about) made worse by feelings of guilt to do with letting people down. She feels incredibly guilty about letting me down when I make arrangements in advance to go out. She feels worse as I have social anxiety too and she knows and feels how important it is for me to have a social life. I think this has been made much worse as she has been suffering anxiety problems and OCD since she was 19 or so – she’s 32 now. She lives with her mother and has felt a great amount of guilt of what she feels she has put her mother through – even though things have improved on that score apart from the usual ups and downs. However, her mother does not blame it is just the very difficult situation that causes her frustration at times.

She feels that these past problems to do with her mother are still causing her guilt even though they have for the most part for her mothere been resolved and this is what is causing her problem. She also suffers badly with M.E. which affects her anxiety too. My girlfriend now feels that she is letting me down when her anticipatory anxiety and feelings of guilt cause her to feel under a great deal of pressure and so then I don’t feel able to go out socially. I do not want to put her through this anxiety as it can start a couple of days before I’m planning to go out socially and because she tries so hard. She has tried on many occasions to do this but has never managed it for the past several months. Also because I can see this won’t work out trying it this way.

We have been talking about this over the last couple of days and it is only now we have fully worked out what the problem is. We have come up with an idea for the moment that might help – of telling her on the day of me going out. We think this will help but thought posting here might be an idea too. My girlfriend has had her medication – Mirtazapine increased very recently and is taking Seroxat and a small dose of valium as well. She is lucky to have an understanding and supportive psychiatrist. We were wondering if anyone had any experience of anticipatory anxiety or/and guilt and has found ways of dealing with this/coping mechanisms. Or if anyone has any similar experiences with this type of anxiety. Any websites or articles or organisations that might be helpful would be good too. Since my girlfriend is unable to have CBT due to her M.E and of course her problem making an appointment an organisation in the UK that has a support line would be greatly helpful Any replies or advice would be very welcome and greatly appreciated. Thank you very much for reading this :-)

Coping with ADD?

fogster — Sat, 26 Jan 2008 19:31:34 -0800

I have ADD. What are some specific steps that can help me focus on getting a task done? I was diagnosed as having a 'borderline' case of ADD: I showed some symptoms, but not enough that they thought it was worthwhile to treat at the time. Consequentially, I am not prescribed anything to help, nor am I seeing anyone to help.

I function well most of the time. But periodically, no matter how hard I try, I just can't concentrate.

So how do I cope with situations where I can't put the task off for another time, but I can't get myself to focus? Surely there are some tips out there.

coping calmly with change thru catharsis

lucyleaf — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 08:06:34 -0800

About to go through a big life change, and I want to get through it the best I can. Next month, I'm going to start a new job. The job I'm leaving I've held for 10 years, had a home office for eight and work with a great team. The job change is a positive thing, but it's all going to be a big life change for me. I tend towards anxiety and obsessive thinking (which I work on, take meds for, see a great shrink for), so I know this is going to be (and already is) a big trigger for me.

In the past, I've used television and other numbing things to avoid my stress or anxiety in tough times. Not to extreme levels, but it doesn't make me feel that great or feel like I'm moving on in a good way. So, I think I've got an opportunity this time to create some new, cathartic, maybe even fun coping strategies for my stress and anxiety.

So, hive mind, what do you do to deal with the stressful times? While I welcome healthy suggestions, I'm not against suggestions of reveling briefly in something hedonistic. I acknowledge that that can be important and cathartic too.

How can I help my boyfriend de-stress?

Anonymous — Sun, 16 Dec 2007 12:24:53 -0800

What can I do for my boyfriend when he's going through a rough patch? I'm in a completely amazing relationship. We get along like pigs in mud and have a great time when we're together. Lately, he's been having trouble with work and other life stresses though and it's affecting our time together. He's distracted, he's distant, it sucks. (He does recognize that this is happening and he'll apologize and make an effort to stop it, but it always comes back.) This wouldn't be such a dig deal, except we live in different cities and it's hard when the limited time we have together has this giant stress cloud hanging over it.

So, I know when things are bad for me, it helps for him to just be there. When I can just vent and tell someone what's going on, I feel better. The trouble is, he's not like that. He doesn't want to dwell on the problems so he tries to ignore them which (IMHO) just makes things worse. I don't know what I can do to help.

So my question is this: for those of you who have similar coping mechanisms, what can people do to make your life a little better? Send flowers? Call every night to say "I love you"? What really makes a difference, both in regard to things I can do while we're apart as well as things I can do/say when we're together and this is happening? Our methods of dealing with stress are so different, I really feel out of my league here.

Ink as a coping strategy?

greekphilosophy — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 09:47:04 -0800

Why did my brother's suicide attempt make me want to get a tattoo? And should I? My brother attempted suicide a couple weeks ago for the sixth time in as many months. He's getting better now, we hope. He's been inpatient for a while already and will probably (god willing and the medical system doesn't screw him over!) stay that way for a while while they do a full psychological evaluation and decide what he needs to be doing to get better. Okay. So that's all settled. Or as settled as it is going to get.

But now I'm dealing with my own reactions to the whole situation. First I had invasive thoughts about hurting myself - not WANTING to hurt myself or die, just thinking that maybe that would somehow help. Bizarre. Uncomfortable. For the most part, over. And even though they persist, at least I've identified them as a) unhealthy and b) unproductive.

But I've been engaging in other grief-type activities since he was hospitalized, and I'm not so convinced that they are exactly as unhealthy as parasuicidal ideation. I've been saving his voicemails just in case he's ever successful and I never get to hear his voice again. I've been listening to his favorite musicians around the clock. And now, focusing on getting a tattoo as a personal and public reminder of my solidarity with him in his recovery (and also as a personal reminder of the dangers of my own mental health problems).

It's just...not like me. I'm not a sappy sentimental person. I don't like hard rock. And I've never seriously considered getting a tattoo. But I'm certainly not opposed to growing or changing. And facing the very real prospect of your younger brother's death (he went missing the day he attempted to kill himself, and as the hours went by we became more and more sure that he was dead) is certainly a changing experience.

Is this typical? Are these behaviors common, healthy expressions of grief? Should I stop trying to control how I express my emotions and just let them express themselves?

I'm already going to start seeing a therapist. I just don't know if I should also see a tattoo artist.

Coping/patience advice for someone going on a large synagogue tour to Israel.

gillyflower — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 10:04:30 -0800

Coping/patience advice for someone going on a large synagogue tour to Israel. (Please note: I'm NOT looking for advice on what to see in Israel. This has all been pre-planned. Thanks.)

Background info: This is a 12-day tour with 39 people plus two (very nice, but likely to be very busy) Reform Jewish rabbis. As I understand it, we'll also have a dedicated tour guide and a bus driver. The tour is oriented towards Reform Jewish first-time Israel visitors and the itinerary is pretty varied, but packed. I'm the adult daughter of one of the couples that planned the trip; my parents are VERY well-known in the congregation and most people on the tour either don't know who I am (I lived elsewhere for ten years), or know me as the daughter of one of my parents. We'll be staying in 3 hotels over the tour and I'll have a single room. I won't have any friends or relatives on the trip.

My main concern is: I'm an introvert. I get stressed out when I'm with people all the time, especially when I'm not in charge of my time, and this trip is rather tightly scheduled. We'll all travel together at all times and most meals will be together. I've never been on a tour like this before. I envision a lot of standing/sitting around waiting for the inevitable little old couple who is ten minutes late getting where they're supposed to be. There are also a lot of first-time-outside-the-US travelers on this trip (I'm not one of them), and a lot of older folks, so I envision a lot of people complaining/whining or being easily confused and asking questions repeatedly, things that really irritate me.

There is a plan to shift people around on the bus so everyone gets to sit with everyone else and people don't "clump up" or hog the front seats. I am okay with this. I don't mind talking to a different person on every ride. And I'm sure I will make friends, but...

My favorite way to travel is alone, with no schedule and lots of wandering/walking. Yes, I'm aware that there'll be none of that on this trip! We've been advised not to go off alone during our small amount of free time. I am going to try to circumvent this advice whenever possible; I'll have a cell phone and good maps, and I'm savvy about personal safety.

In short: I'm worried I'll have an awful time, getting so irritated by the other travelers that I can't enjoy the amazing sights/history/food/etc.

Anyone been in this situation before (an introvert's first time on a large tour)? I am really not an unpleasant or easily overwhelmed person; if this were a weekend trip I wouldn't be concerned in the least. But 12 days worries me. And travel is always stressful anyway. Any ideas?

Pregnancy is Weird, isn't it?

otherwordlyglow — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 10:34:29 -0800

Being pregnant is easily the weirdest experience of my life. How did you cope? Wow. This pregnancy thing is strange. Back story: I'm 39, first pregnancy and it was unplanned (failed birth control). I'm 9 weeks pregnant and incredibly overwhelmed. My partner and I are similarly ambivalent about being parents when we discuss it now but know that we'll be great parents and are both anxious and excited about it. In the mean time, my body is no longer my own. I have strange aches and pains, every single system in my body seems out of whack and, jesus christ, I'm going to be a parent and do indeed feel like my life will no longer be mine. Are these common reactions? I guess in the past I had always thought I'd be thrilled and happy and looked forward to this time. But now in the moment the enormity of it all is hitting. Hard. Daycare! Car seats! Diapers! Names! College Funds! To immunize or not! Circumcise or not! (I'm NOT asking for opinions on these topics, don't worry).

I've had my first checkup and am scheduled for genetic testing soon so I think the medical portion is well underway. But staying calm and being okay with everything that's changing and about to change seems to be more of a problem. Perhaps it's just that I'm an older first-timer so I'm more aware of my established life or maybe everyone goes through this. Did you? What helped to make it better?