Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with conversation

Hi, how are you?

yoyoceramic — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 20:43:00 -0800

Nothing gets on my nerves more than: "How are you? Good, how are you?" What witty/sarcastic/caustic/surprising/offhand/offbeat/jarring or otherwise out of the ordinary quip can I use to respond to the perpetual query, "How are you?" This question gets on my nerves so much because neither the originating question nor the responses are genuine. I would rather just exchange a "good evening" with the lady behind the coffee counter than entertain an insincere question, which requires too much time and too much conversation to answer sincerely. I suppose I'm looking for a response that is equally as insincere as the question, doesn't pretend to be sincere, but still would keep me in good graces with the person behind the counter at the sandwich shop.

Weasels are not all bad!

sio42 — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 06:52:05 -0800

Will taking a logic class really help me in talking about things like socieconomic issues that are often emotionally charged? For instance, I was recently discussing an article I had read about the disparity of grade school education between poor urban areas and more affluent suburban areas. One of the terms used was "income inequality", which is a term used to describe the difference in income between the poorest and wealthiest. I was told this was a "weasel word" - that inequality was a weasel word!!!

I was a bit flabbergasted. It's kind of obvious when two things aren't equal. In this instance, the difference between tax bases of schools meant that some schools had recess, art, well-paid teachers, new textbooks, and computers. And others have bathrooms that don't work, bad lunches, overcrowded classrooms etc.

I was then asked if it wasn't the responsiblity of the parents to make sure their children were educated. Everything I said that related to socioeconomic realities was disregarded as not based in reality.

These aren't idiotic people I'm dealing with. Some of them aren't necessarily conservative. But sometimes having conversations about "issues of the day", so to speak, is mind-boggling.

Is there a way to frame socioeconomic issues that doesn't come across as emotional and filled with "weasel words"?

Speaking with confidence

Anonymous — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 07:11:11 -0800

How can I start speaking confidently without worrying about people disagreeing with me? During the past couple of years I (male, 20s) spent a lot of time around people who frequently criticized and nitpicked the things I said. This has made me less confident expressing my opinions and thoughts in conversation. Instead of speaking with confidence, I'm internally anticipating every possible disagreement with what I'm saying. As a result, I sound like I'm not sure of myself, which makes people even less likely to agree with me.

It has even come to the point of affecting my internal dialogue. I'll formulate a thought, and then reflexively poke holes in it.

How do I break out of this cycle? It's more a reflex than a conscious habit, making it difficult to will myself to stop doing it. I have distanced myself from the unsupportive people mentioned earlier, and am starting to socialize more with friendlier people. (However, I have always been more of a lone wolf, and that is unlikely to change soon.)

Note: I think the problem is more specific than general low self-confidence, since I have great self-confidence in many respects (opinion of my intelligence, ability to succeed, attractiveness, and to a certain extent social skills). FWIW, I don't have a history of trauma, depression or any other mental illness.

Egocentricity/Self-absorbtion

Garden — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 10:01:28 -0800

Does anyone have any experience with self-absorption/egocentricity? I've been noticing the fact that whenever I'm talking with others, I tend to bring the conversation around to myself. I keep telling myself not to talk about myself, but people ask questions and when they do I tend to fall for it every time. How do you make conversations with others and build friendships without talking about yourself? I usually start with open-ended questions and try and find out as much as I can about the other person, but the conversation inevitably turns toward myself as you can't just interrogate someone or else they'll think you're really strange. This is probably a silly question. From a psychological perspective they say that egocentricity is a stage that we all go through while growing up. For whatever reason it seems that I haven't made it through this stage quite yet. The other part of conversation that I struggle with is that when I'm speaking with someone, I tend to listen so intently to what the person is saying that I have a hard time processing what they're actually getting at. Does anyone else experience this? I'm not sure whether I'm trying to think of the next thing that I want to ask the person or whether I'm just trying too hard and unable to relax. Any suggestions from people who have struggled with these issues would be greatly appreciated.

Am I too logical?

schmichael — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 01:37:09 -0800

How do I talk to people when I am choked by logic? Kind of tricky to explain my dilemma, but I'll give it a shot. A little about my background: I'm an atheist, and I was heavily influenced while growing up by a very very logical, rational-minded person (my stepdad). I've always been told that you should question everything, and that you shouldn't shy away from uncomfortable answers.

I think a lot and I really think that I'm very logical and honest in my way of thinking. Over the last couple of years, I've challenged all of the absolute values, or ideals, that I held. And I've pretty much knocked over every one. I've seen the pros and cons of pretty much every idea or event, the flow of logic and inevitability that sweeps through all of human existence. I can't feel passionate about anything because I can understand why it came to be, why it couldn't help but come to be, and what fundamental problem makes it impossible to solve.

For example, I used to believe that stopping climate change was a worthwhile thing to do, now I see very clearly the chain of events that will make it inevitable - how oil consumption is linked to current population levels and affluence, resulting in increased emissions, and how it isn't just people driving cars but every single facet of modern human life, and the only way to stop it would be for everybody to voluntarily stop eating and buying and reproducing... and I can see through every single vouched solution, because it is so easy when you apply concepts like natural selection, thermodynamics, population ecology...

So now when someone tries to talk to me about climate change - and they're passionate and reaaaally want to do something about it - I basically have to bite my tongue and force myself not to explain why it's pointless. When they talk about how all we need is more windfarms, I can think of a million reasons why windfarms don't work, and even if they did... If I do open my mouth, I think I scare people. And I hate stripping people of their values, because it's so hard for me, I think, well, why shouldn't they believe something if it gives them a sense of purpose?

And it's like this with almost everything. I feel very worried by conversations, because my mind is always working on a very high, abstract level, and I can't connect to people or speak my mind without getting into some very murky territory. I can drown people in shades of gray.

Other than waiting for the irrational thunderbolt of falling in love to come and clear things up for me, what can I do? Does anyone else feel like this? I have a sneaking suspicion that this is linked to my possible hypomania... when I am in a manic-feeling state, I tend to feel that there is something beautiful and essential in the pure act of being alive, so my conversation reflects that. When I am feeling down, this stuff clouds in very heavily.

It's not just when I talk to other people - it hamstrings my sense of purpose in life, in what I am doing, in what I am thinking about. It can be very cruel.

I hope I don't come off as arrogant in this post. This feeling is not one of arrogance - this feeling doesn't inspire scorn in me... just a sad and deflated sense of jealousy for those who are a little simpler, a little more irrational. And I hope that I actually explained myself, because it certainly feels very confusing when I try and lay it down.

Socially Awkward

Garden — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 12:02:46 -0800

Does anyone know of some good reads on conversation and social skills? I'm not suggesting that you can learn these subjects entirely by a book, but what I'm looking for is some methods to make communication a little bit easier when meeting someone or groups of people. It's rather embarassing, but I'm getting more and more uncomfortable with meeting new people as time goes by. The strange part is that when I'm around friends or family that I know, I come off as articulate, thoughtful, and at times funny.

This all disappears when I'm meeting new people. I'll either wait for someone else to say something or I'll just go completely blank.

I've seriously considered trying hypnosis for this problem as I can't stand how uncomfortable I am when I'm in these types of encounters. I don't even understand why this has become such a problem for me, but it is getting worse.

I'll ususally plan some questions for when I'm in these situations, such as checking out the news or making sure to ask people open-ended questions, but boy do I have a hard time when it comes time to do it. I'll completely forget what I had planned out and then I'll get stressed when people ask me questions.

After the encounter is over, I'll be able to think about a ton of different things I could've asked or responses I could've made.

Unfortunately, when I'm in these situations my brain seems to shut off and all that I keep thinking is remember to smile, don't talk about yourself, pay attention to the people's body language, don't be so serious.

If anyone has some suggestions on books or methods that they've used to get over this, please let me know.

Best English-language books on improving one's social and conversational skills

cotesdurhone — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 13:24:01 -0800

What are the best English-language books in existence on improving one's social and conversational skills? A good friend of mine is intelligent, nice, and pretty-- but has somewhat low self-esteem, is fairly self-conscious, and has inveterately been awkward in various social situations, especially at parties and other larger social events.

She recently started graduate school, and has been complaining to me that her social awkwardness continues, hindering her from getting to know her fellow students and making connections and friends.

Her birthday is coming up soon, and as a present I wanted to give her a collection of 3-5 books that bode to help her build self-esteem, overcome social anxiety, and improve her social and conversational skills.

I spent a long time searching Metafilter and manifold websites for suggestions on the best books that address these issues as comprehensibly as possible. I've pasted the results below.

Though there are thousands of such 'self-help' books, which made the search a bit precarious, I couldn't find any that seem particularly good. The best of the lot, for various reasons, seem at best 'just decent'-- limited, reductive.

I can't help thinking that there must be better ones, maybe written long ago and forgotten, maybe esoteric, I must be missing. Otherwise, the genre seems to be lackluster. I'm curious to hear any recommendations.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“True ease in talking comes from art, not chance, as those move easiest who have learned to dance.” - Alexander Pope

books
-- How to Win Friends & Influence People - Dale Carnegie [doesn't teach how to improve self-esteem, or why/how to be interested in others]
-- Conversationally Speaking : Tested New Ways to Increase Your Personal and Social Effectiveness by Alan Garner [mediocre to decent reviews]
-- The Art of Civilized Conversation: A Guide to Expressing Yourself With Style and Grace by Margaret Shepherd [mediocre reviews]
-- The Art of Conversation: A Guided Tour of a Neglected Pleasure by Catherine Blyth [below mediocre-to-decent reviews]
-- Messages: The Communication Skills Book & Messages Workbook - Matthew McKay
-- The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships: Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism by Temple Grandin and Sean Barron
-- COPING:A SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR PEOPLE WITH ASPERGER SYNDROME by Marc Segar -- //www-users.cs.york.ac.uk/~alistair/survival/

Other books (but probably worse than the former)
-- The Fine Art of Small Talk: How To Start a Conversation, Keep It Going, Build Networking Skillsand Leave a Positive Impression! by Debra Fine
-- How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less by Nicholas Boothman

Self-Esteem
-- Self Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning
-- The Self-Esteem Companion by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning
-- Mindfulness in Plain English by Bhante H. Gunaratana -- http://www.budsas.org/ebud/mfneng/mind0.htm [suspect]
-- Out of Your Mind by Alan Watts (audio) [suspect]

Overcoming Social Anxiety
-- The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety: A Guide to Breaking Free from Anxiety, Phobias, and Worry Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy by John P. Forsyth
-- Daily Meditations for Calming Your Anxious Mind by Jeffrey, M.D. Brantley, Wendy Millstine

SIRC Guide to Flirting/ Advanced Guide
http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.html

Edge Foundation
http://www.edge.org/q2008/q08_index.html#alda

Website devoted to improving Social Skills [seems at least okay]
http://www.succeedsocially.com/index.html
http://www.metafilter.com/69152/Succeed-Socially

"Positivity BLog" [decent, okay]
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2008/01/17/dale-carnegies-top-10-tips-for-improving-your-social-skills/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2007/11/15/how-to-improve-your-social-skills-8-tips-from-the-last-2500-years/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2007/04/10/17-inspirational-quotes-on-people-skills/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2007/09/05/7-habits-of-highly-ineffective-people/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2008/04/02/16-things-i-wish-they-had-taught-me-in-school/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2009/03/26/my-favorite-productivity-tip/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2007/07/22/five-awesome-and-five-awful-conversation-topics/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2007/06/27/5-conversational-mistakes-that-can-make-you-look-dumb/
(middling) http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2006/11/05/do-you-make-these-10-mistakes-in-a-conversation/
(middling) http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2008/09/17/do-you-make-these-7-body-language-mistakes/

Steve Pavlina Website [middling, poor]
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/09/how-to-go-from-introvert-to-extrovert/
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/09/risk-vs-reward-in-human-relationships/
http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/36993-how-do-you-socialize-when-you-really-don-t-want.html
http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/37205-unspoken-rules-social-interaction.html

For Fun
http://www.image-pro.ca/
http://www.psow.com/
http://www.perfectlypolished.com/
http://www.redhatsociety.com/

Paralysis by Analysis

Garden — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 09:48:32 -0800

Has anyone gone through a period in their life where they've just become too overanalytical and serious? I started therapy a little over a year and a half ago and it has been great. I've gained a lot of additional understanding of myself which has been helpful but at the same time I think it's actually detrimental in other ways. I've discovered a lot of positive aspects of my personality but I tend to focus on the deficiencies. I've been diagnosed as having some Asperger like traits (not the full blown Syndrome), ADHD (inattentive type), and a large amount of social anxiety. I feel stuck right now due to the fact that I don't know how to grow relationships with people that I'd like to have.

Before all the therapy, I would have described myself as an introverted, calm and empathetic individual. I struggled socially, but I always seemed to get by. I've always had a handful of friends to hang out with and that seemed sufficient for me (quality over quantity). The problems with these friendships is that most of my friends are now married and they're on a different course in life right now while I'm single and I need to find friends with similar interests that are single.

The problem with the therapy is that I'm so focused on all of my weak areas. I'd love to become a social butterfly, but I don't think that it's a realistic goal. I've read several books on conversational skills and social anxiety and they are interesting but I have a hard time implementing them into my life. I get into conversations and I am polite, I listen well, I ask people all sorts of questions about themselves, but it lacks the fun factor that I used to have in conversations. I don't know how to explain it, it just seems like I'm following too much of a script and it lacks spontaneity.

Does anyone struggle with this in conversations? I find myself thinking all the time what should I say? Sometimes my mind just goes blank and other times I just beat myself up. The weirdest part is that when I'm with friends or family I'm fine with the conversation. I can talk about anything with them. When it comes to meeting new people or people that I know only a little, I really struggle.

The other aspect of myself which has changed for the worse is that I'm pretty serious all the time and I hardly laugh anymore. I'll laugh if other people are laughing at something but it's not really heartfelt. I've asked my therapist about this and he says that once I relax and start enjoying myself that laughter will return and that I'll be less serious as well. I don't know, I feel stuck right now. I'm doing the things that I need to do, but I'm struggling with them.

I just think too much these days. I sit there and analyze everything and start reading about whatever I'm thinking about. For example I'll start reading about mindblindness as it relates to Aspergers Syndrome or theory of mind. Anything that I think about psychologically, I'm reading it.

I'd love to start some new hobbies, but I'm not even sure what would be a good hobby to start as my only goal in doing a hobby is having a shared interest with other people so as to facilitate better friendships.

If anyone has any advice about these issues or of some other time in their life when they've experienced similar issues, please let me know. It would be reassuring to know that I'm probably just going through a stage.

Dating Across a Language Barrier

Anonymous — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 08:44:56 -0800

Dating Across a Language Barrier: Can you share success stories and advice about relationships where you and your partner primarily spoke different languages? I've just started dating an incredible woman: she's funny as hell, considerate, really intelligent and she's gorgeous, too.

Something that is completely new to me, though, relationship-wise, is that we don't really speak the same language. Although I am an Asian guy (we're both in our 20's), I don't speak a word of Mandarin nor Cantonese (I've just started learning Mandarin, but it'll be a long time before I'm fluent). Her English, while good, means that sometimes it's hard for us to have the sort of free-flowing conversation I'm used to.

To be honest, until I met her, I thought that conversational ease was a prerequisite for a romantic connection, but somehow we really enjoy just hanging out with each other.

It must sound like it's just a sexual connection, but that's not it. This is all still new to me, but our attraction isn't very sexual at all.

I'm actually very surprised by how much we enjoy one another's company, even in the absence of her being able to tell me the nuances of what she's thinking and feeling, and me feeling like all of the things I'm talking about require so much explanation of cultural context.

We've only been out once, but we talk on the phone, and I'll be seeing her again this weekend.

Sometimes when we're talking, the conversation goes great and we're both laughing and having a great time. Then there are brief moments when it feels like language and cultural differences make our conversation drop out or stumble.

We both like each other so much that we both make a huge effort to get past the stumbles, but it'd be good to hear some advice from people who have been through similar things.

To people who have had relationships across language barriers: do you have any tips? Success stories and insights? What did you do when the conversation drops out?

I've setup a throwaway account: anon.learning.chinese@gmail.com

Thanks in advance!

Moving past social anxiety

Garden — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 07:25:17 -0800

Does anyone else feel like an imposter? I often have a hard time building relationships with people. I can be polite and make small talk with other people, but I struggle with making friends. I struggle with social anxiety which is part of the problem, but how do you move past it and build relationships with other people so that they are genuinely interested in getting to know you better? This is the part that is the most tricky for me. I'm good at being polite and making small talk, but talking about things past this is where I really struggle. For most of my life I've always gone with what the other person wants to do and I've followed obediently. The problem is that I don't know how to lead in a friendship. I frequently worry about the fact that the other person I'm hanging out with is getting bored. I don't know what to talk about most of the time beyond small talk and being polite so I'll rely on meeting my friends and hoping that they have something interesting to talk about. Some of my friends from the past that I still hang out with enjoy having conversations when we have a drink and that's fine. I guess the problem is that I don't understand what the next step is with talking to people that I've just met. I think that a lot of people become disinterested and think that I don't have much going on in my life due to the fact that I don't know what to talk about. Perhaps this is true, as most of my hobbies are solitary activities such as reading and working on the computer. However, I also enjoy going to the art institute, museums, and baseball games. I'm sick of being so unsure about what to talk about. This is one of the reasons that I don't date very much as I can sense that the person I'm with feels bored. A lot of the times, I feel bored as well but I don't know what to do about it. I've been seeing a therapist for a while and we talk about the social anxiety being a problem, and I'm trying to get past it, but I just don't know what to talk about. Any suggestions/ideas?

Oh yeah, well the jerk store called... Comebacks for the introverted

pixlboi — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 08:40:04 -0800

What is a good comeback for an introvert, attending a social occasion, who gets told, for the umpteenth time, "Hey you're really quiet aren't you?" I am quiet, a good listener, fairly laid-back, definitely tend toward the introvert side of the scale but I can also enjoy certain social occasions. I am interested in people and like to listen to conversation and hear people tell their stories.

Inevitably, after quite happily listening for the majority of the evening I will be told some version of: "Hey, you're really quiet aren't you?" or "You don't say much do you?" or "You haven't said more than two sentences all night."

After dealing with this dozens of times I'm tired of thinking about it and would like a nice scripted comeback for these statements. Something light, mildly humorous maybe, witty...

The title of my post notwithstanding, I'm not offended by these statements. I'm not interested in putting the other person down or making them feel small. I'm not trying to appear smarter or superior to anyone or trying to make any negative judgement about the fact that they like to talk.

Just a light, self-effacing response. What say you, hivemind?

How do I be an ally to the conversationally overpowered?

baxter_ilion — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 19:26:25 -0800

How do I be an ally to the conversationally overpowered? I went back to my homeland (Minnesota) for the July 4th weekend, and participated in festivities with my extended family. During a picnic, I sat down with my aunt and uncle and we talked for a while. I noticed a few minutes into the conversation that my uncle would routinely talk over my aunt, often while she was in mid-sentence. Since I was interested in what she had to say, I started picking up where she left before she was interrupted by my uncle. She would begin again, and a few sentences later my uncle would jump in again. I then tried addressing questions directly to her, but the same thing would happen - my uncle would jump in and answer.

I feel that in that situation, I did all that was possible to make sure that my aunt was able to talk freely, but to no avail.

What are some tips for making sure all people who want to participate in a conversation are able to?

I have noticed this pattern with other people as well (mostly hetero couples, with the man interrupting the woman.)

Is there any way to change this behavior in the long term? Is it gauche to point out that one person rountinely tramples on the other person's attempts at communication?

Is it possible to help someone become a better communicator/conversationalist without offending him?

emilyd22222 — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 11:31:22 -0800

Is it possible to help someone become a better communicator/conversationalist without offending him? I am dating someone who is a great guy, but never learned to communicate effectively because he's from a family of terrible conversationalists (I've seen it in action) and he was a very awkward and shy child/teenager. We are mutually breaking up soon because our lives are taking us in different directions. However, if there wasn't that barrier, I don't think we'd last long because he can't hold a conversation. He doesn't ask people (including me) questions, either spontaneously or to inquire about something they've mentioned, no matter how obviously it calls for a response on his part. For example, if I would mention that I was arrested once, instead of asking what happened, he'd say, "Oh," and that would be the end of that. He also has trouble expressing what he wants in any way, verbal or nonverbal, and I have witnessed this piss the hell out of people who misinterpret his nonverbal waffling.

From what I can tell, this is how he communicates with just about everyone, so I don't believe that the problem is that he's not interested in me.

I am looking for a way to encourage him to do things like ask questions of people to stimulate conversation. However, I do not want to hurt his feelings or offend him. He is pursuing a career that will require him to communicate effectively, and I can't see a way that this would not hold him back. I don't want him to hear it from someone when it's already been a dealbreaker. We haven't been together for long, and this communication thing has really impacted how comfortable we've gotten in being open with each other, so I feel that I have to approach this particularly carefully.

Disclaimer: I can't change people, nor is it my responsibility to do so. I know that. I just want the best for him, because he deserves it. I wouldn't be where I am now if I hadn't been gently nudged along the way. I just care about him and want to do the same for him.

Congratulations! You're a survivor! I'm sorry. You had cancer.

Barry B. Palindromer — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 10:03:47 -0800

What does one say to a cancer survivor when they tell you that they're a cancer survivor? I'm having a conversation with a lady who is a very infrequent acquaintance (we run into each other occasionally in the courtyard of the office complex). We have probably had 5 short conversations in the past year. She's a very nice lady. At one point in the conversation she says "I'm a cancer survivor", and suddenly, I don't know how to proceed. It was germane to the conversation, but only tangentially.

In the split second's following, I'm trying to figure out how to respond. "I'm sorry" doesn't sound right; I mean, she survived! "Congratulations," also doesn't sound right because she had cancer.

Thankfully she proceeded after I said "Oh," and nodded my head. Is there a conventional response in the cancer survivor community or something?

Hints you drop in conversation

wireless — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 16:25:14 -0800

What are some hints you drop in conversation? In social settings, there are certain things we don't say explicitly because they would cause awkwardness or be considered rude. We don't tell people that they've overstayed their welcome, that they're not invited to an event, that they talk too much, that they owe us a favor, that their cooking is poor, and so on. Instead, we drop hints, hoping that the other person will pick up on them.

This week a co-worker of mine completely missed a hint I dropped, and it got me to thinking: what hints have I been missing that other people have been dropping? So, I'm curious: what are some examples that you have used or encountered?

Help me break the ice with strangers!

Chrysalis — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 23:33:58 -0800

I want to be more extroverted and confident and practice starting conversations with strangers... what are some good conversation openers? Tips? I'm female if that makes a difference. Would like to talk to random cute guys with view to potentially picking up but also just generally be confident enough to strike up a brief conversation with a random person while I'm out and about and rack up some practice. Looking for good conversation openers and tips in general.

Do you know retorts similar to "that's what she said?"

Kattullus — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 19:23:14 -0800

I'm looking for retorts similar to "that's what she said." Phrases that turn a sentence someone else has uttered into a double entendre. The one's I know are "as the actress said to the bishop," "I hardly know her" and "twenty bucks, same as in town."

Must stop interrupting everyone.

Muffpub — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 13:23:26 -0800

Help me stop interrupting everyone when they're speaking! I've always talked over people without realizing it, but after a few people (including my ex) pointed it out to me over the past few months I've become more and more aware that I interrupt people when they're in the middle of talking simply because I thought of something exciting or interesting to say - or at least that's how I perceive it.

I never seem to speak over people out of anger or aggression; often, I find myself interrupting people to ask questions or to offer support or to reinforce what they're saying. Crucially, I'm usually completely unaware of what I'm doing until someone seethes "let me finish!"

After I caught myself interrupting someone at a job interview - yeah, a job interview - I realized that I need some actual help figuring this out. This would also help my relationship with my mother, since we both talk over each other all the time and it drives us both insane.

General tips for being a better listener and not dominating conversations would also be appreciated. Thanks.

Conversations from the past

ben5757 — Mon, 25 May 2009 20:59:15 -0800

Are there any good sources for accurate transcriptions of historical conversations? I am very interested in history, but am getting a little bored of primarily reading descriptions of things that happened, and would rather see actual conversations. In some ways I'm even more interested in people who aren’t historically significant, i.e. day-to-day conversations from the past. Thanks for reading!

How to stop nervous behaviors during conversation?

Anonymous — Fri, 22 May 2009 05:46:17 -0800

I've been told I'm a very good conversationalist, but when I talk to people, I often get nervous about silences. This leads to two problems: 1) I compulsively fill in silences with questions or comments, in a way that eventually exhausts me, and 2) if food's available, I tend to impulsively snack and mindlessly eat to have *something* constantly happening (admittedly I often am munching away even when there isn't a silence). Any tips on changing these behaviors?

Japanese conversation practice with a native speaker in the Portland, OR area (or maybe Skype)?

wastelands — Tue, 19 May 2009 17:17:28 -0800

Japanese conversation practice with a native speaker in the Portland, OR area (or maybe Skype)? I took three years of Japanese in high school, almost 11 years ago. Lately I've taken an interest in relearning it. Right now I'm still re-memorizing hiragana and katakana, so I at the beginner level for sure. But eventually it would be cool to get conversation practice with a native speaker without necessarily spending the hundred of dollars and the firm time commitments of a college course.

Ideas? I tried posting to the craigslist "activity partner" section, but nothing came of it.

ありがとうございます。

How do you get someone to listen?

Anonymous — Mon, 18 May 2009 09:18:23 -0800

Why am I constantly be dismissed in conversation? In the last few months I've found myself in situations where people are just ignoring, or explicitly dismissing my opinion out of hand (you are too young, you don't get it, you are weird - or worse, the knowing glance and the roll of the eyes), and basically working around me. Each time, I feel totally powerless, frustrated and generally angry.

What I don't know how do is to give my opinion enough force in the conversation that this stops or at the individual(s) have to at least give it a fair shake - but doing that without becoming a screaming lunatic.

Don't get me wrong - I'm a generally a introverted soft spoken person. I don't generally want to beat people into my point of view, and am totally willing to follow the crowd if thats how it ends up. But in these groups (all different), there are these strong figures who are suddenly ignoring every word that I say and I'm struggling with the need to attack them to be heard. I'm not sure what to do.

Where Can I Listen to Other People's Conversations?

bluefly — Wed, 06 May 2009 16:58:58 -0800

Can you recommend podcasts in which people are having a conversation? I would like to avoid interviews or structured ones with segments. Some of my favorite podcasts are the Slate Gabfests because they're just people talking to each other, and while there's an outline, there's no super structure (i.e. like an NPR show would have interstitial music and be very formal). I also like WFMU's Seven Second Delay, which while wildly different from the Slate ones, is also a kind of conversation between Ken and Andy, and the people who call in (but it's not all about the people calling in), and is definitely freeform.

I just like listening to people talking or discussing a topic (but not being interviewed about it -- a discussion between equals as it were). The occasional guest is fine or ones in which the guest joins in the discussion without the interview part. All topics, even silly ones, are welcome, but I'm not that into computers, technology, video games, or science fiction. (I seem to find a lot of conversation podcasts about those topics). Thanks.

700 Acquaintances, One Sentence Each.

StrikeTheViol — Tue, 05 May 2009 20:04:30 -0800

I'd like to make more friends online. Suggestions? (MeFi demographic a plus.) A bunch of the people I usually talk to have scattered for various reasons, and it's not easy for me to get out as much as I'd like, so I'd like to find more people to talk to online who are interested in conversation, as opposed to random five sentence chats. Rather than merely shooting MeFi Mail to random interesting members, I thought I'd ask in the form of a question, so that people could point out other resources.
(I haven't had much luck with Craigslist, OKC, or a couple other random sites for that purpose per se.)

New Slang

god particle — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 21:25:08 -0800

I love slang and colloquialisms. Where can I go to pick up more? I'm very into slang and colloquialisms and will often make up my own in the middle of conversation. I'm interested in exposing myself to more via the internet. Where are some places I can go to pick up more? Urban Dictionary is alright, but I don't like its browsing system. I am less interested in non-American slang (including British slang). I remember there being some other sites kind of similar to Urban Dictionary where people would coin new words and vote on them, or something like that.
Also, slang dictionaries (the ones you buy in bookstores) are generally extremely outdated and contain phrases that I don't even consider to be slang anymore.