Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with contempt

How do I stop acting contemptuously towards my partner?

pluckemin — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 17:39:55 -0800

How do I stop acting contemptuously towards my partner? (Side note: I've been a member for a year and a half, and this is my first RelationshipFilter question! I feel like I've reached a milestone.)

My partner and I, both in our mid-twenties, have been together for 5 years. We have a very strong relationship marked by lots of affection and mutual respect. In general, I'd say we communicate well; we don't yell at each other and we try to talk through problems using non-accusatory language. When it comes to tough issues I think we handle them pretty well -- not perfectly, but as best we can.

The problem is that when it comes to the little issues, I have a knee-jerk contempt reaction that I haven't been able to control. Frequently, when we have a dispute over a trivial thing -- how to load the dishwasher, how to prepare food, whatever -- I wind up rolling my eyes and treating my partner like he's an idiot. I don't do it voluntarily, and while I'm doing it there's a part of my brain saying, "Wait a minute -- what are you doing? Why are you acting like such an asshole?" But that part doesn't kick in until after I've already registered my contempt.

I think I probably learned this from my parents, who interact with each other in this manner pretty much continuously (and have been married for over 40 years, so I guess it works for them). I also have issues with anxiety and insecurity, so I'm guessing this behavior serves as some kind of defense mechanism for me.

I don't want to act this way. I know that contempt is one of Gottman's "Four Horsemen," and I know it doesn't feel good to be on the receiving end. (My partner recently expressed displeasure with it, which served as the kick in the pants that I needed to really address the problem.) Even when I genuinely think I'm right and he's wrong, I should be able to A) express it in a way that's not dismissive, or B) suppress the urge to say anything, depending on the situation. And in general I am far from contemptuous of my partner; I think he's brilliant and funny and talented, and most of the time (I think) my behavior reflects that opinion. It's just these stupid little issues -- usually when I don't think he does housework in the right way, or when he gets really angry about something that I don't think warrants such a dramatic response -- that cause this reflexive reaction of mine to kick in.

The feminist in me also hates this regression into traditional gender roles, where the man is a bumbling idiot whenever it comes to household labor and the woman is a capable nag. I try not to watch when he does housework, because usually his work yields perfectly fine results even if I think his methods are wrong. And in the future when we're a little more flush with cash we'll probably (read: definitely) hire someone to clean our home. But neither of these solutions addresses the underlying problem, which is that I have this counterproductive reaction that seems so ingrained that it feels like I have no control over it.

I'm hoping that someone out there has dealt with a similar problem and can recommend some techniques that can help me alter my behavior or the underlying thought processes. I'm able to recognize the behavior, but only after the fact, when it's already too late. What can I do to stop being so obnoxious?

To head off the inevitable "you need therapy" answers: I'm already seeing a therapist to deal with anxiety, guilt, and related issues; couples therapy is not an option right now due to time constraints but is not completely out of the question in the future (though I suspect my partner is not quite so gung-ho about it as I am).

How do I stop being contemptuous?

Anonymous — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 21:37:58 -0800

How do I stop being contemptuous of my fellow human beings? Whether it is reading AskMefi questions about relationships or dealing with coworkers, I am constantly and silently contemptuous. I really do enjoy the sensation I get from schadenfreude and tend to feed it. Back during the days where I was very, very depressed I would read the pro-anorexia and teen pregnancy communities on LiveJournal just to feel better about myself. I'm better now (diagnosed bipolar + medicated) and look back on those days with mild disgust, but the behavior has only been abated.

When my friends (close friends, family, for all intents and purposes) have problems, I help them out as sincerely and objectively as I can, if it is my place to help them. However, there's always that pleasure-center-light-up saying "Ha ha! I'm better than you!" Not literally, of course, but I have a tough time describing exactly why I feel good. It is not their situation, exactly, that I derive pleasure from but all of their mistakes that have led up to this point, all of their emotions and psychological difficulties that make mine look a little paler in comparison. I certainly do not feel good because I am helping a friend out of a jam, at least not while helping them -- afterward a certain resolution point in their life, I do feel a bit of pride knowing I've made someone's, a friend's, life easier.

Considering these are more-or-less well-adjusted people who regularly rely on me for life advice, I assume I genuinely help and they have no idea what is actually up. No one has ever said a word to me about it, and considering the way people act toward me, I doubt I ever show it. But I still make myself sick, occasionally, when I realize the pleasure I get from other people's misfortune. And I want to stop.

Help?

What is the original french version of this movie quotation?

telegraph — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 18:21:41 -0800

What is the actual French corresponding to the English translation of this line from the Godard film Le Mepris (Contempt)?: "It's a drag to be so cute and so sad." The line is spoken by Paul to Francesca early in the movie (the scene at the director's house). I've found plenty of sources online for the English of the scene, but short of renting the movie and trying to transcribe the French with my very poor ear, I can't seem to find the text of what he is actually saying.

My French isn't good enough to find the French script anywhere on the internet, and I really only need to know that one line, but I'd love to see the multilingual script if anyone can find it.

Help a father BE a father

Anonymous — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 20:35:52 -0800

[YANML Filter] How can my boyfriend navigate his way out of a terrible child custody situation? You are not my lawyer, a lawyer, nor anyone I might someday hold accountable for your response. However, do you have advice that can help my boyfriend and I?

My (live-in) boyfriend has been in a nightmare of a custody battle with his ex-wife for numerous years. After a deferred assault charge (6 years ago) and several (unfounded, by CPS) abuse claims on her part, his bimonthly visitation was first suspended, then renewed, with supervision required. Although much of this looks bad at first, all claims and causes have been the unfortunate result of needless litigation on the part of the mother to gain her way and to exclude and eventually rid my boyfriend of his parental rights.

Last Sept, she filed for contempt for his use of a derogatory term (b*tch) in reference to her in an email, and claimed that his parents, the supervisors, were not adequate, for petty, otherwise non-noteworthy claims (accidental use of dairy instead of soy for lactose intolerant child, child broke glasses and could not wear them during custodial weekend). She continues to claim wrongful abuse on the basis of aggressive behavior by children and coached claims (on her part) made by preschool-aged children. The judge determined that, because of his history, he would not "learn his lesson" without the visitation being changed to be professional, court approved.

In the last 9 months, however, my boyfriend has made a serious attempt to change his behavior, his life, and to come in compliance with court orders, realizing that he cannot fight with his ex-wife to the detriment of his children, no matter how frustrating her behavior. He has gone off disability (for depression) and has a modest paying full-time job, is currently fulfilling court requirements for counseling and anger management courses, and is seeking out fathers' support groups and parenting classes. Additionally, he has been paying the minimum child support requirement regularly.

Unfortunately, he cannot afford legal representation nor professional visitation services. Any attempts to maintain a relationship with the children (4 & 6 years old) are barred by the mother. She does not answer his regular phone calls, claiming that she asks the children and they do not want to talk, and only very rarely does she have the children return his calls (averages once every 2 months). She does not respond to email requests for pictures, clothing sizes, address to send gifts, but emails with the clear intention of establishing a pattern of no contact between him and the children (though twisting facts and statements) later in court. She has multiple attorneys, and again, he cannot afford representation. His former attorney retired, leaving him without representation.

He has a court date in Sept, which is when the temporary custody requirements (professionally supervised) are to be reviewed, and when contempt charges can be purged. How can he make sure that he can again have visitation, without supervision? What should our next steps be? How can we find representation at little to no cost?

Again, no evidence of abuse or neglect has ever been found by CPS investigations. If there is neglect, it is on the part of the mother, not the father. This case is a classic example of bitter ex-wives syndrome. My boyfriend desperately wants to see his children and to have a relationship with them. He fears for their well-being and what damage this unnecessary litigation may cause to their development.

Additionally, we would love to one day have full custody of the children. She has a history of infidelity and mental illness and also has twin girls with her current husband (as well as his daughter from a previous relationship living with her), and we fear for the childrens' healthy development. How can we get to this point?

Emails can be directed to seehischildren@gmail.com

Getting over feelings of betrayal

Anonymous — Tue, 03 Apr 2007 22:14:06 -0800

I am starting to hate my cousin and best friend. Please help me forgive her. Mary is my cousin, and up until about a month or so ago, my very best friend in the entire world. We used to hang out every single night of the week unless one of us had a date. It's the closest friendship I ever experienced, and while we were close it was one of the best parts of my life. We shared every detail of our lives with eachother, I would've taken a bullet (and still would) for her.

We live in a small college town and we don't live together. She live with her roomate Jane, whom I get along with and was an acquaintance/friend of mine as well. Jane, Mary, and myself all had leases that ended in April. So naturally, we decided to look for a place for all three of us.

Shopping for a rental together was stressful. Our price ranges were different, but I was more than willing to go down to her level price-wise. The chief problem was, Mary was very picky and had very high standards for her maximum price. More than once, I argued that just due to simple market conditions we were not going to meet all of her standards at a given price. We looked for months and could not find something that fit her standards/price.

April was drawing nearer, and all three of us were getting antsy as we would have nowhere to live soon. One night, while the two of us were out walking, she saw a house with a for rent sign.

As fate would have it, she called the next day on the house. It happened to meet most of her standards and the price was great! One problem... only two spots were open. She signed with Jane, leaving me to find my own housing somewhere else. I was crushed. I fought back tears when she told me she had signed a lease with Jane.

I found room somewhere else. She apologized to me and said she was sorry, but I think if push came to shove, she would do it again.

* * * * * * * *

Ever since then (about a month ago), our friendship has been wrecked. I thought we were down for eachother no matter what, and I feel so betrayed.

She's great in ways that I'm not, but I've always had more money and been slimmer/prettier one. In the past I never let it go to my head, I would lend her my super expensive clothes/jewellry and set her up with hot guys. Now I find myself gloating over my advantages over her and I hate myself for it. I don't want to be this kind of human.

Little things she does (stupid stuff that doesn't matter, like listen to Nickelback type music, etc) have started to bug me like crazy when I used to not notice it at all, or find it endearing.

I can't let go of the feelings of hurt and betrayal. I would give anything to feel the same as I did a month ago. I've gone from seeing her every night to ignoring her. I know she hurt me, but I am being fucking immature.

Last year I modelled for a swimsuit designer in town, and I get discounts. She saw a swimsuit she wanted and texted me today to ask me if I could get her a discount (since she's really poor right now) and I didn't even fucking respond.

I'm so disgusted with myself for holding on to this grudge, but I cannot let go any way I try.

Please help me.

How much trouble can I get into for lying on a financial affidavit?

fr0zen — Wed, 16 Aug 2006 06:55:24 -0800

How much trouble can I get into for lying on a financial affidavit? It's for divorce court - and it's not what you think! I have to submit a financial affidavit tomarrow for my divorce hearing...I only just now realized I was required to bring one. I found the form online and because of my horrendous financial situation, when I fill it out it shows (rightly so!) that I spend over a $100 more a week than I make (I plan to take out a loan to fix that problem because it's primarily car payments that are so painful).

I don't want the judge to think I'm a bad person and I *really* don't want my soon to be ex-husband to see this statement. I'm not asking for alimony or anything - I even signed the house over to him. I just want this to be done and over with, without my ex knowing all kinds of details about my finances. It's really none of his business anymore. I would like to claim that I have less debt than I really do and that my electricity bill, etc is less than it truly is.

Would it make me a horrible person to lie? Or should I just deal with the friggin crap I'll get for being so in debt?