Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with conflict

My best friend and wife are fighting. Should I try and mediate or stay out of it?

washateria — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 08:29:36 -0800

My best friend and wife are fighting. Should I try and mediate or stay out of it? My best friend of ten years is a former boss we can call her FormerBoss/Mentor. FormerBoss/Mentor and I have a great deal of common interests and even though she can be a bit prickly we have always gotten along and enjoy each others company.

My wife of five years is a professional house painter and recently did some painting work for my FormerBoss/Mentor. The work was suppose to be only painting, but my FormerBoss/Mentor called my wife and asked her to supervise another person doing work in the house while she was there, be there to let in other workers, etc. This wasn’t part of the work but my wife did everything that was asked. There were also a couple of pictures left out to be hung and a smoke alarm to be installed with a note, saying “would you please…?” and those things were not part of the agreement and my wife did not do those things. During the week the job ended they were to see each other at an event on Friday evening and they established during a phone call that my wife was to get paid for the job that evening. That evening came and my FormerBoss/Mentor said nothing but “Sorry, I forgot my checkbook.”

No other discussion, no thank you for the work. My wife handed her the keys to her house. The next day they saw each other at another event and there was not any discussion of the work or how my wife was to be paid or any thank you for doing the work. On Sunday my girlfriend emailed my FormerBoss/Mentor and said she was hurt, she felt unacknowledged and unappreciated and wanted to know how she was going to get paid. My friend sent an email saying “I had no idea you should have said something I don’t carry my checkbook with me everyday”.

A few days later a check arrived in the mail. There was a housewarming party where my wife chose not to go because she was still really angry with my friend and I didn’t go because something deep inside told me that no matter what I should stand by my wife. My FormerBoss/Mentor called me on Monday and asked why I wasn’t there and I said because she needed to work out this issue with my wife. My friend says she has done nothing wrong and that she has been very good to my wife and my wife won’t accept her part in it, she never provided an invoice. My partner says this has nothing to do with money or an invoice it has to do with acknowledgement and that my FormerBoss/Mentor should have thanked her for the work and acknowledged the job she did, painting + many extras.

I am so upset that they are fighting like this. Should I call my FormerBoss/Mentor and ask her to please just say thank you for the work my wife did so this can be over? Should I try and stay out of it? Before this happened we were all very close almost like family. I think personally that my former boss was upset that my girlfriend didn’t do ALL the extra things she left out for her and that not saying thanks was a small passive aggressive dig at her. Any advice is appreciated. I really don't know if I should try and mediate or stay out of it. I feel as if my water dish has been moved very far away from my bowl. Any thoughts are appreciated.

Can we all calm down now?

A Terrible Llama — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 07:45:37 -0800

Where can I find programs that teach employees how to de-escalate a rising conflict? There's a ton of this stuff on the web but I haven't found anything that's exactly what I want.

I'm trying to package something for employees that are geographically spread out, so seminars where everyone travels aren't practical, and having someone come physically to each place is probably out of the question financially.

What I'd like, ideally, is a one to two hour webinar type thing that would talk to people about how to deal with charged situations without contributing to them, how to listen, etc.

No set budget, I'd like to keep it under 10K, less is better.

I was hoping to find something affiliated with a school, hospital, or mental health center something with a little research behind it.

Hi, I'm an incompetent moron!

A Terrible Llama — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 01:49:54 -0800

I have a new job where I'm going to get yelled at a lot. What are your tips for becoming comfortable with getting yelled at a lot, or your tips for defusing such a situation?
I have a new job, which I love, but which is going to involve me getting yelled at on a semi-regular basis for reasons that will sometimes be legitimate and sometimes be totally stupid. The person yelling* at me could be anything from some drunk who's retired and living his life surrounded by cats and empty beer cans and total incoherence, or it could be, oh, let's say the mayor of a medium-sized city, or an ordinary cop, or a PR person. Or a VP from my very organization. Or some college student calling to tell me I'm probably ugly.

Some people will be sober and have legitimate complaints. Generally the fault will not be mine, but institutional or technical. Those aspects aren't really important.

It's a 'temperatures sometimes run high' position, it's a basic part of the job. I'm realistic about this, but would like to get some more in my tool kit so that when I'm ready, I'm in the best position to deal with it that I can be.

So: what's how can I best manage the situation, emotionally and conversationally?

*I'm saying 'yelling' but mean the whole umbrella of abusive tirades, personal insults, general human venting, threats of violence, snarky insinuations of incompetence, and drunken rants. Really, the gamut.

How to pass crash course in roommate communication

Keysig — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 12:18:43 -0800

How can I ask my roomate to discuss her frustrations with me directly, instead of telling everyone but me? My roommate, “Regina," and I are both females in our late twenties, and I moved in only a few weeks ago. I am not super great at making conversation, but try to be friendly, keep up with housekeeping, and not offend anyone with my living habits. Regina alternates between caring and not.

The situation worsened when Regina had her friends over, when her extremely outgoing friend pestered me to hang out with them. Her friend kept asking me about my family background, and other random “what’s your favorite ___” questions.

With previous roommates, I’ve tried to respect their space so I wouldn’t get on their nerves, only to have their friends loudly say, “Is that the hermit?” So I thought this might be a good way to start off.

Regina didn’t think so, and as soon as they left, got on the phone to discuss how awkward I was, and how she can’t stand me, while we were still in the same room. Apparently, I’m not doing enough housecleaning, either.

I want to make this great apartment location work out, and I am too busy to focus on finding someplace new, so it would be great if we could at least keep it civil for a while.

So my question is, do I have the right to tell her this is not okay, that this made me uncomfortable, and I would like her to stop? I'm unsure about this because it is her home too, so she can say whatever she likes in it, but I think she should tell me if she has a problem. Or must I suck it up and try to not mind?

I also need to let her know I'm tone-deaf when it comes to reading people, so I don't know what I'm doing wrong unless she tells me. As much as I know that is truly the issue for me, that conversation is always uncomfortable, so I'm not looking forward to it. What is a minimally painful way to say I am not-a-people-person, and therefore can not read her mind?

I am dreading having to face Regina & Co., even in passing, again--any other advice for dealing with losing face and moving on?

Thanks!

How destructive are current U.S. and Russian nuclear arsenals relative to their maximum levels?

Joe Beese — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 14:54:02 -0800

How destructive are current U.S. and Russian nuclear arsenals relative to their maximum levels? For simplicity's sake, we can define "destructiveness" as combined gross megatonnage, unless you have a better idea. I'm also assuming that it makes sense from a political/military perspective to consider weapons stored in former Soviet Union countries as belonging to Russia's maximum arsenal but not to its current arsenal, but correct me if I'm wrong.

Bonus points if you can find a link to a widely circulated graphic from the early-80s freeze movement. It represented the world's nuclear stockpile with dots placed in a rectangular matrix. Each dot represented one Hiroshima bomb, I think. One group of 3 dots was circled to indicate all the explosions in World War II - or something like that. And above them were dots and dots and dots...

Should I confront my roommates?

Anonymous — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 06:17:01 -0800

My roommates are driving me nuts; should I talk to them about it, more than I already have? I don't need this to be entirely anonymous, I just don't want it to be linked to my username. This is a bit long, bear with me please?

Some background info:
I live with my boyfriend and his brother A, A's girlfriend B and their recently-moved-in friend, T. We all have separate rooms but share the kitchen and living areas. I'm quite a private and territorial person and frankly, unsuited to communal living - especially with these particular roommates.

I'm starting to resent A and B for their untidiness. I do almost all the household chores as my boyfriend works a lot and everyone else is simply disinterested. They track mud into the house, leave food crumbs everywhere, over-fill the trash with bulky takeout containers and leave recycling (mountains of beer bottles) in the kitchen for weeks. B sometimes has girly beauty sessions in the living room and leaves bits of hair and makeup (staining) on the floor. If I want the house to be clean, it's up to me to vacuum and wash the floor, compress and divide their trash (yuck), wash and take out the recycling and basically pick up after them. My boyfriend and I buy all the cleaning supplies and basically do all the cleaning. They are hardly home/awake at the same time as us so we barely get to talk.

Apart from freaking out my inner neat freak, they also have no qualms about infringing on our space. When their toilet clogs, they'll use ours for weeks while waiting for the clog to "fix itself". They eat our food and take our possessions, from toilet paper to digital cameras, and never bother to replace or return them. Even when I ask for them back.

I think I care more than most about personal boundaries and living with A and B is really stressful for me. My boyfriend is reluctant to move (he has his reasons), but has said that if I talk to our roommates about every issue that bugs me for the next two months, and they still don't change, then we can move.

Is this a really bad idea? I think that it might destroy my relationship with A and B. We're pretty friendly when I'm not seething about the last chore I had to do for them. I try not to talk to them too much about this stuff, basically I ask once or twice and then leave it. My boyfriend thinks that doing this will help me get better at conflict resolution, which I'm not too good at. If I do this, how should I approach it?

All I've done thus far is ask them nicely once or twice not to do certain things. We've had one or two roommate meetings and while some of their worst behaviours have changed (stuff not mentioned above), most things have stayed the same.

Caveats: Remaining on good terms with A and B is pretty important to me. Also, I don't think messiness in itself is bad, I just don't want to live with it, in my own life.

How to professionally manage freelance writing about my industry?

Anonymous — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 11:30:26 -0800

How do I successfully do freelance writing (my night job) about my industry (my day job)? I work in a high-tech industry that is a small, close-knit, incestuous community. As a result, I know most of the key players in it, including CEOs, startup founders, etc. I myself work for a high-profile startup. I'm incredibly passionate about this industry and it's been something I've been psyched about since I was in high school.

Along the way someone happened to notice I was good at writing, so I started being paid to blog about my industry. This worked out fine, and I was completely open about it with my employer, who just wanted any company-related material to be run past our PR folks before I posted it. Then I was asked to write for a somewhat related print magazine. Recently I've been asked to write for an industry analyst report.

This is all very cool, and I've discovered I really love the writing. It's also been a real success for me professionally, where others in the industry will recognize my (somewhat odd) name from the writing I do, and a new professional relationship starts from there. But what was early on an easy agreement with my employer has become occasionally awkward with my entire professional network. Now I'm being asked to speculate about a new company started by an entrepreneur I'm on a first-name, familiar basis with, or to interview a friend whose research project is press-worthy, or to put a writing colleague in touch with a higher-up at my company.

I know the basics -- I have told editors I will not write about my own company or its immediate competitors, and I know where there are lines not to cross when a friend has talked with me off-the-record, over drinks, about their new company or project, but the information is still considered business confidential. If I do need to talk to someone as a writer, I usually start the email/conversation by mentioning that I'm now wearing my "reporter hat". However, I'm starting to see where things could get more difficult to navigate in the near future.

So what I'm looking for is advice on how to manage friendly professional contacts when they're sometimes journalistic contacts. Alternatively, I'm interested in better ways to communicate boundaries to my editors, and how to identify those boundaries in the first place without compromising my usefulness. What are the best practices here?

Should I just tell my parents to go to hell?

Anonymous — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 13:00:33 -0800

Should I just tell my parents to go to hell? I am looking for your opinion and possibly some words of encouragement.

I've been planning our (my fiance and my) destination wedding in Europe (Italy) for the last 4 months. It is happening next June. Our peer group, her family, and some of my extended family members are thrilled. My parents have been less than enthusiastic. I want to stress that they do love my fiance'. When I originally approached them about the idea, I was presented with a laundry list of "reasons" that it was a bad idea and why they didn't want to go. Most of those 'reasons' were very irrational and should have been easily to deal with. I sat them down and tried to address their fears as best as I could. I thought I did a good job, because they actually shifted their answer of 'no, we aren't going, to a 'we'll see'. In fact, my dad even approached me and my 2 siblings on the side and said that he actually wanted to go and that it was a good idea. He'd "try to turn my mom around". So, optimistically, I continued the planning, booked the venue, booked the honeymoon (which jumps off from this European city) and kept them in the loop the entire time. My updates were met with (what I perceived to be) enthusiasm. Yesterday, the situation with them really deteriorated.

They sat me down to talk and all of the "reasons" they had cited before were brought up again. Here they are to help you understand what I am dealing with. What they (mostly my mom) said is in quotes.

"We can't leave the animals alone." (even though we take care of our neighbors dogs all the time and they would no doubt do the same for us.)

"They don't speak English there." (even though, people do speak English there because the city is full of expats, tourists, and many Europeans KNOW ENGLISH!!!!!!!!)

"I don't ever want to leave the country, ever! You know that! I don't want to leave the United States. "

"It is too far." (an 8 hour flight compared to an 18 hour drive they make to Florida?)

"We aren't interested in that place."

"It is too extravagant, NO ONE else we know does this, EVERYONE we talk to thinks it is selfish and a bad idea, and we don't understand why you couldn't just have stayed home."
(That doesn't change the fact that I have already made the commitment to go, sorry your social circle is limited, because certainly not EVERYONE thinks that. They don;t understand why I can't have my wedding like they did in a local church and the reception in the basement or at the VFW.)

"That place is full of crime and we will get robbed by gypsies who target tourists."
(By that logic, we shouldn't ever leave the house.)

"Your {17 year old} sister can't go. Because she will probably get kidnapped."

"You know I can't sleep in hotel rooms. If I'm tired, I am going to ruin the wedding."

"Your dad only pulled you, your brother, and sister aside and told you all that he really wanted to go because he didn't want you to be mad at him." (Dad, is this true, even though you said you'd be willing to go, and that mom was wrong for not wanting to go, you don't really feel that way?). "Right, I don't want to go."

"I hope that you realize, that by doing this to us, you are changing our relationship forever". (Mom, when I started to suggest this to you before, you screamed at me that it was manipulation, and how dare me. Now you are saying it to me?) "Well, it's the truth."

"It is too expensive." (even though now I would pay for their housing and all they need to do is buy 3 plane tickets and bring spending money. They can, for a fact, afford this.)

"What do you expect us to do, not buy gas? Not buy food?" (Mom, you just offered me a wedding gift of X dollars. I would like you to use that money to come to my wedding.)
"Well, that's not the gift we want to give you." (Mom, shouldn't you give me the gift we want, instead of the gift you want to give?). "Well we're just not going."

.......with every reasoned, logical response of mine to the above garbage met with, "In your eyes." / "Well that's just your opinion." My head just about exploded.

I left. I then got point by point summary text messages from my younger sister about how my mom is calling members of my family to tell them what a horrible son I am, how I am leaving our family for 'her [my fiance] and her family' and how I don't care that no-one on my side can come to the wedding.

Bonus sidebar: Throughout my life, my mother has resorted to childish name-calling and/or retorts like "well that's just your opinion' when "arguing", so a lot of this isn't surprising. She has been on and off of antidepressants (currently off), and my dad doesn't have the guts to stand up to her - about anything. She has driven her siblings and her friends away with her behavior, so I am reassured that I am probably not being a horrible ungrateful child. I'm 27 and currently live with them (temporarily - moved back to save $) and am just about to buy a house and get the heck out. ASAP.

So some of the other my mom/dad/parents are horrible help me get over it threads have been helpful. I am having my wedding. It doesn't seem like my parents are going to come. For ridiculous reasons. How do you just let go?

Screen printing artwork

Jsn7821 — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 09:53:04 -0800

I did artwork for a customer, and now he is harassing me to give him his money back. I need advice how to resolve this. I run a small screen printing shop, and a guy came wanting to get artwork done for his car racing team. He provided me with this shirt to use as an example, along with photos of his car from various angles.

After the typical back-and-fourth with the customer, I came up with this and this for him and he was happy with it, and paid. I charged him $160.

He took the artwork to another shop, and they said they couldn't print it.

For those who aren't familiar with screen printing: You can print anything. You just need to separate the artwork into the colors you would like to print. Each shop (as far as I am aware) does this as part of the setup for the job, since "artwork separations" depend on variables in the shop (screens, inks, the press, etc.).

He came back to me complaining that the other shop couldn't print it, so I offered to help with the film separations (I asked how many colors they can print, and what type of ink they use), and told him the contact information for a film-separation guy that could do it for $150 (I don't actually know how to do it, I outsource my jobs to him). At this point I was genuinely trying to help, but he saw it as me trying to take advantage of him.

Fast forward to an e-mail I got today:

No. i brought the photoshop file to the other places and they all said the same thing. what we have can't be used because it's just pictures laid on top of pictures and no artwork was actually done. We have started over from scratch with a new company and now we know not to ever use you or refer anyone to you. It's not just the artwork. It's the fact that it took a month and a half as well to do approximately 3 hours or 3.5 hours of work. The company has a very poor work ethic and quality of product.

Like I said before, We are done with you and your reputation precedes you and the only way to resolve this with the BBB is to give us a refund on the $160.00 we paid for artwork in which no art was done. If this is not resolved the nest step is to buy a one page article in the Olympian and call consumer reports on Kiro 7. We are not the couple to take advantage of. I will not let this go.. I am extremely disappointed and upset about the way you have conducted yourself over this whole endeavor.

I need advice how to go about this. I would feel cheated if I had to give him a full refund. The artwork is good for screen printing, I can print it in my shop no problem. I do art like this all the time. Especially the back print, it's just a 2-color red and black.

And what about the threat to take out an article in the newspaper and call cable news? Can he even do that? I've never run into something like this before.

Clash of the Headhunters

Astragalus — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 20:42:56 -0800

Headhunter #1 calls me about Cool Hedge Fund (CHF) and wows me with stories of its coolness. He sends my resume. CHF "has already picked someone" and that is the end of that, I figure. A month, maybe two pass and I get a call from Headhunter #2: have I heard of Cool Hedge Fund? Would I be interested in a spot there? "Uh yeah I think I've heard of them... I suppose I would be interested" say I, nonchalantly failing to mention my prior submission through a different headhunter. This time they bite and I get a past the screener and the six-hour gruelling interview and find myself on the short list, one more interview away from the prize. All is well until one day Headhunter #1 finds out that I have interviewed with CHF under the auspices of a different headhunter. He mentions that were I to get the job, it would be a "big mess" - something about who gets fees, etc. What can I do? Who can I trust? Will it inevitably end in a battle with headhunters mounted on frothing lawyers and the CHF running away from the whole thing screaming? I have already heard one discouraging story from a coworker who was in a very similar situation and was told by the company that they were no longer interested in hiring him because it would entail legal issues re: headhunters. I've already spent considerable effort trying to get this job and it would really be perfect for me. I'm pretty sure they like me, but I don't know what kind of legal arrangements typical exists with these headhunters - just by HH#1 sending my resume once, is he then legally entitled to a fee if I am ever hired for any position there? So far HH#2 doesn't know about HH#1 - I want to tell him, well, mostly so I don't feel like such a conniving bastard (I'd rather leave that to them). But I will keep my mouth shut unless someone has advice for me... Thanks a lot in advance, mefi!

Tomorrow, I might have to defend myself at work over something that happened last week. I believe I'll be okay on this, but it could go either way..

0217174 — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 18:33:56 -0800

Tomorrow, I might have to defend myself at work over something that happened last week. I believe I'll be okay on this, but it could go either way.. The reason is I had an argument with a manager because he was basically 'writing me up' about poor performance, that I felt was totally uncalled for. So I got a little defensive and argumentative, because I believed I was right.

The smoking gun here is if I was to go and actually compare the output, like get a figure, crunch the numbers.. to see how much work I actually did. Because I created some 'methods' I guess you could say, that greatly increased the amount of output I'm doing. It's a combo of some software I created along with a workflow... because I am a geek ;), I have a programming background but this job isn't a programming place. I just happened to be able to use it for the benefit of this job...

So to managers, who aren't familiar with this stuff I'm doing, only are looking at the numbers of mistakes going back and forth, and how it's taking more time because of more mistakes. Well, since my work is outputting more, naturally there's going to be more mistakes. For example if you build 1 car, theres 20 expected mistakes. But if you make 5, there's 100.

They only are looking at the 20 vs 100 number. I think they think I'm only producing 1 car.. so they see, 100 mistakes for 1 car. (not really cars.. example ;P)

And why I can't simply say, oh no, this is for FIVE cars, not ONE, is because it's confusing how it's broken down into categories and projects, as in each project has a category, which is usually done one at a time. My software and workflow does all categories at once.

But it gets techy and geeky and this guy was not allowing me to explain it.. and it got ugly and personal and we fought and acted like stupid high schoolers.

So I'm expecting someone's going to call me in to talk about my behavior I had with him.

It's kinda a 'he's just being a dick' problem but I can't say that. If I could get actual numbers then his whole case is blown.

But the thing is, I don't know for sure that my output actually is higher because I don't know or pay attention to the other people's output. I just really thought mine was more because they all use the older software that was horrible. I tried getting them to use mine, and they WANT to, and they all know mine was faster, but they're mac people, and mine's windows, which technically is sort of not what we're supposed to be doing.

WE're supposed to be on macs using the company software. It was a thing I kind of got an okay to do, because I brought this up with some managers and they know about it, but they're on the fence, because they invested a lot of money in their software. In a way, it's kind of like.. not about what's really the best software, but politics. Some of the actual programmers on their side took a look at mine, and agreed it was a better solution. But they decided they need to stick to their software, and I could *use mine*, but the other people will still use theirs.

So this new manager comes and I don't think he's familiar with this, so he thinks I'm working the same way, the same amount as everyone else. I think I'm actually doing more. But the only way to know is to dig through all the files, compile some list and show the actual number. I'm just convinced if you did that, mine would come out a lot more.

Which would explain why I'm having more mistakes. Cause there's simply more. But I'm worried we'll go through all that trouble, and find out it's the same, or less. I don't feel that will be the case, but I'm not 100% sure. I could investigate myself, keeping it to myself, however I can't access all files because they get stored in archives, which I can't access. So if I was to get a real figure, it would have to involve other people.

Anyway, the argument we had was really about the fact I felt this manager has been acting really negative towards me lately, and not seeing that I work different and really trying to make it better, and I was so pissed at his tone and demeanor and honestly felt insulted by what and how he was saying it. So I went off. I got close to getting personal and crossing the line, where he could easily have fired me right there.

In his mind, he's a good responsible manager who is calling out me for being irresponsible, and instead I talked back and gave him attitude. And this is what I fear he's going to pass along to the big guys, and I'll be hearing this on Monday.

I'm 90% they'll understand my side because they know me, they're cool, we get along, however since this new manager came, I no longer really interact with them, but they interact with the new manager. So I'm not sure if their opinion of me has shifted during this time, cause I'm out of the loop and have been kind of independent.

So what can I do to prepare myself for this, what else do I need to do to document, or have some kind of thing to show.. because even tho I can type it here I have a hard time explaining this, especially if in a room with everyone interrogating me.

I also don't want to come off as a smart ass, or anything like that.

Any help would be appreciated. And sorry this was so long :)

Two touchy people in a long-term relationship.

Girl Scout of Death — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 07:21:52 -0800

My boyfriend acts very annoyed with me over minor things. He's never cruel about it, but I still find his reactions hurtful. How should I deal? I've been dating my boyfriend for just under a year, and we get along really well 90% of the time. Even during the other 10%, we don't really fight... we've never raised our voices during a disagreement, and we've never overtly insulted each other. This is by far the healthiest, most stable relationship either of us has ever been in.

From my perspective, our only major problem is the fact that he's really irritable, and I'm really sensitive. I try to give him space when he's feeling stressed or agitated, but I inevitably do something that bothers him anyway, and he reacts by getting very prickly/snippy. Today it was a self-effacing joke, which he met with a very loud sigh and a protracted eye-roll. Asking for help with household tasks usually gets a similar response. If I ask a question after he's explained something to me, he'll often shake his head in dismay, drop the subject entirely, and snap "just nevermind".

Interactions like these occur almost daily, and they make me feel very small. I see myself as an intelligent, reserved person who always thinks before she speaks, so being treated like a nuisance whenever I ask questions really gets to me. I realize I can't control which things my boyfriend finds annoying, but I think his behavior is a little dramatic and immature.

I brought it up to him a several weeks ago... he assured me that he doesn't find me especially annoying. He also admitted that he treats everyone like that when he's stressed out and that he'd like to stop. But since then, nothing has really changed.

How can I handle this so that I'm not so hurt by these situations? Or do I just need to develop a thicker skin?

If this information seems at all relevant: we live seperately, although we do spend most nights together, and lately we have been discussing the possibility of getting a place together in about a year. I'm in my mid twenties, he's in his early thirties.

Dealing with lunatics at work 101

Anonymous — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 09:19:00 -0800

A co-worker rants and raves constantly and I'm getting sick of it. What to do? I'm a 30 year old male. There's a 25 year old female co-worker who I seem to be having a personality conflict with, and I'm not sure how to resolve it.

We're both attorneys. I've been here for a year and a half, and she was admitted to the bar this past August. Since this woman has become an attorney at the firm (she was previously a law clerk), she sees fit to go off on tirades about how something is stupid or how she doesn't agree with something. I seem to be the target of these attacks more often than others.

Last week, a group of us were having lunch, and there was much joking. I'm from an Eastern culture, and often make fun of myself and my countrymen. Well, I made a joking comment in the course of the conversation and she went off.

She handles the workflow for personal injury cases at the firm, and so whenever I have a PI matter, I go to her to have the proper groundwork laid out. She is now saying that I can handle my own cases and that she won't help me. This is fine from a practical standpoint, but I feel a bit put out.

I did apologize to her for offending her with my remarks, but all she said was, "It's not just your 'jokes'". That's led me to avoid her, so I haven't eaten lunch with my co-workers in a few days now.

How should I address this issue? Thinking back, I don't feel like I'm responsible for her sensitivity and I have already apologized. Should I just say screw off and find other lunch plans or should I try to ingratiate myself to her?

How much conflict is there between local police and FBI?

Bugbread — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 18:21:53 -0800

How much conflict is there between local police and FBI? You've seen it in a million movies: the police are investigating a case. Then the FBI comes in, and there's massive conflict and ill-will between the two groups.

How often, though, is this actually the case?

Obviously, there are no statistics, but for anyone who has worked with the FBI on a case, or who has actually worked for the FBI (or has relatives/friends in those situations), what was the dynamic between the two groups?

What do you mean I "type too much"?

Anonymous — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 09:58:34 -0800

I don't know how to resolve the problem between my boyfriend and I over the question of whether I spend too much time on the computer "typing". This is not a case of internet addiction, and more likely a case of needing a fresh perspective (for myself and perhaps my boyfriend) to see the situation.

I am female, working full-time while pursuing my masters degree part-time, with a live-in boyfriend. We enjoy doing the most inane things together, go for walks, and have fun the way children laugh their heads off over nothing and find charm in the smallest things.

After my first year of grad studies, I realized that I have the need to do a lot of independent research, networking, and generally 'feeling out' my new field of pursuit. This involves a lot of mindless searching, book marking, quick email sending, and talking it out with people over IM. MY boyfriend has expressed incredulousness at the amount of typing I can do, and his grievances can be broken down into three parts (addressed over three conversations).

1. If it's important enough, don't IM, call.
2. If it's just an email, it's not time sensitive, can't you do it later or at work?
3. Who are you writing to and if it's no one (i.e. a blog), why is it so important?

I'm in my late 20s and he's only a few years older. I value "un-plugged" time just as much as he does, and I am feeling a tension that I can't resolve. This is almost like a case of a parent seeing a child on the computer, typing away, and not understand what they're doing, why they're not joining the family for dinner, and taking it personally. I feel that I spend a lot of time with him; we always eat dinner together, we spend weekends going out for coffees, we cuddle before sleep every night, we do small but thoughtful/practical things for each other. All of that makes me feel even more miserable when I realize that he thinks I am ignoring him, whenever I'm on a laptop, fingers tapping happily away. I should clarify that the problem he has is not technology-usage per se, but that I'd rather spend time organizing my files on my computer than spending time with him.

There are times when I get engaged so much into what I'm doing, no matter how inane (surfing is pretty inane, even if it's purposeful surfing), I just get focused and I start to dismiss other people. I am apparently not aware of myself doing it, and I don't mean to be dismissive. How can I address and resolve this, hivemind? How do I become more aware of the impact of my information seeking behaviour on my loved ones who feel like they are less than a bookmark list that I'm organizing, when I feel I have a real need for information and research (on topics that he often does not understand or relate to)?

(As it stands, it is not a big issue, I just want to get some perspective on this because i can see this as a reoccuring issue, and I am fantastically sensitive about it for some reason. To him, he is simply making an observation, for me, I feel like my whole life/work/love-for-him is being questioned and underminded. Crazy sounding, I know, but that's inevitably my initial reaction.)

Urine soaked library books.

NorthCoastCafe — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 16:19:46 -0800

Help please. Public Library problem what should I do. Weird. My public library confronted me as I asked for books on hold. She said I had to pay $60 for two books previously returned that were soaked with urine. Shocked, I asked to see the books which I took outside to examine. No stains, no discoloration, no odor. I was perplexed. Asked another librarian to look at the books. He found nothing. The first librarian said I could not check out any thing until I paid the $60. I left the books behind saying I'd like to have in writing their reason for withdrawing my library card. No letter. I emailed the director of the library asking him to examine the books and tell me how to resolve the problem. Twice. No reply.

What should I do next?

How to work past a serious relationship issue?

Anonymous — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 14:22:19 -0800

How can my boyfriend and I work past my feelings of abandonment over his reaction to a pregnancy scare? I've been seeing this guy for seven months. Around month five, I had a pregnancy scare. It turned into a three-day argument, during which he repeatedly stated that if I chose to keep the child he wouldn't support it. I thought he meant that if I kept it, he would have nothing to do with it or me, so I left him.

We got back together around a week later, under the condition that we didn’t have sex because we had conflicting views on what to do if the B.C. failed. He told me he didn’t mean that he would leave me, just that he would offer emotional and not financial support.

During the months after, I got upset with him frequently, mostly over things that had been bothering me for some time but that we’d failed to find a solution to.

I took the time to really think about things, and I realized that his words/actions during the pregnancy scare made me question his feelings for me, as well as everything he’d said to me in the past pertaining to them. When we got back together, I’d written it off as us not being together long enough for him to feel those things. However , it affected me so much that everything he did that made me question his feelings for me turned into a big deal, whereas before I would have just thought, “Okay, I’m probably just misunderstanding something.”

I brought the subject up again a few days ago, explaining everything I have here but in more depth. He got upset that I brought it up, because he doesn’t agree with my definition of abandonment and maintains that I’m the person who abandoned him by leaving him and not wanting to be friends, as well as ignoring him a few days after we got back together because he said something upsetting. He doesn’t understand why I’m not content with him only offering emotional support.

I tried to use good communication skills, and phrases such as “I feel” and things of that sort, but we still ended up arguing. Ultimately, I got so frustrated with the way it was going that I gave him examples of how his behavior tended to benefit only himself, and asked him why he couldn’t understand why I questioned his feelings for me. I told him that there was only one choice of the three (adoption/abortion/keeping it) that didn’t absolve him of all responsibility, and even if we’d chosen that one he would decide not to contribute anyway. I also told him that, due to current circumstances, option #3 still involved me doing most of the work/sacrifice.

I know that was a poor thing to do. I hurt him badly, and pretty much closed the door on any healthy discussion of the issue.

I don’t want to break up with him, because other than this he’s a great person and things were going quite well. I just don’t know how to get past how I feel. I wish that there was some way I could compromise on and work past this issue. Unfortunately, whenever I try to consider his view I just think back to what he said he would do and it makes me so angry that it kills any understanding I might be trying to gain.

I’d like to know what we can do to work past this. You can e-mail any follow-up questions to emailorzmail@gmail.com. Thank you.

Mending bridges with a former supervisor?

Raynyn — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 00:12:16 -0800

How can I mend a friendship with a former supervisor while embattled in a quasi-legal situation against our former company? I recently filed a human rights complaint against a company I was previously employed with. I am no longer employed there, and my former supervisor is on sick leave and will likely not be returning to work there, but is still technically their employee. We became good friends while we worked together, and she would frequently invite me over to socialize, this continued even after my employment ended. My supervisor initially encouraged me to pursue my human rights complaint, however has always been concerned about how it would effect her, as she is the key witness for many of the allegations I am making. Once my employer received my complaint they met with my old supervisor, and in their response my supervisor is cited as denying many of the allegations I make against the company and many of the statements she made in various situations. When I called her and confronted her about this she stated I was taking her statements out of context or slightly misstated them. She then stated she was uncomfortable talking to me about the issue and that she was now "under a bus" with the company due to my complaint. I then sent her an angry email, which I regret - and in response she simply wrote that after much consideration she would ask at this time that I do not contact her, and that this decision was made for professional and personal reasons.

I have a lot of anger towards this person, who I once considered a friend. I feel she was very much playing both sides throughout the dispute, and has now taken the side of our former employer in an attempt to save her own a**. While I've definitely learned a lesson about not being friends with your supervisor, I am still sick and angry about this situation and the betrayal I feel. This is a short summary of what happened, but essentially I feel she repeatedly did things to gain my trust and then exploited that trust, all the while claiming to be acting in my best interests. I don't like her self-interest, but I don't think she is a horrible person and I'd like to try and find some closure with her. Do you think it would be okay to try and contact her (I haven't done so in the 6 weeks since she asked me not to)? Should I wait longer? Or should I completely respect her request and just leave it be, regardless of how angered I am and how unsettled things feel? This person was probably the greatest mentor I ever had, and this whole situation is really hard for me to cope with. I want to make this right, but I want to respect her wishes all the same. Any advice?

How do you deal with professional threats?

Anonymous — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 12:51:24 -0800

My boss swings from one conspiracy theory to another about our work and her/our future. What are some ways to force her to stop? I work in a small fundraising office for a big multiple services non-profit. By small, I mean there is my boss, her deputy (me), and an assistant.

We have a central office that turns out our marketing and paraphernalia and does major events.

My boss started there and then was farmed out to run the office where I now work. For the lack of interest from the people this organization serves, we have been remarkably successful even in these economic conditions. I am very enthusiastic about the organizational mission and have activated many of this group's employees to think about advocating for funding.

Because our marketing is handled outside of our office, there are always several layers of discussion between our idea and their end-product. This means that I spend a lot of time rewriting marketing copy and defining our mission.

I don't enjoy rewriting, but my boss sees it as a personal affront to her intelligence and her dignity and reacts extremely harshly and in the most demoralizing tone. I have worked hard to build meaningful working relationships and I am beginning to worry these alliances are being sabotaged because my boss thinks that outsiders are attempting to usurp her power and control. In reality, she has many friends among the organizational leadership, but we are a small office and so, "Small Fry".

When she feels like someone is trying to change aspects of a project she is leading, she will call me, demand I drop whatever I am doing and then I must spend an hour or more in her office to learn how she will soon be tendering her resignation. I have been keeping a tally of these meetings and since I started in the summer, it amounts of over 30 occasions - often twice in one week.

I was advised at first to attempt to turn these tirades into teaching moments. But, I realize she feels like she needs to win my loyalty to her cause. This is ridiculous, she is the person I work with daily. My job is fully invested in her success and she is aware of this. My loyalty to her should not be an issue.

I am not qualified to take up her position if she does follow through on her threat to resign. I am also only really in the beginning of developing a cohort of good donors. I was recommended for the position because of my ability to grow small ideas and turn them into opportunities to activate large groups of like-minded people. I am young and successful in motivating people to give their time and support to causes and people I love and respect. I want to protect my position and support my boss but I can't keep going to these meetings and nodding blankly. I feel like I should threaten to quit. Advice would be helpful.

Should I, or should I not meet with my estranged relatives?

Anonymous — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 11:49:41 -0800

Should I, or should I not meet with my estranged relatives? Thanks to facebook, a number of estranged cousins have tracked me down and extended a "hello." I have not seen these cousins since I was five years old, and other than remembering some of their names and fuzzy memories of hanging out, I do not remember them - they are all 8-20 years older than me. I'm curious about them, wonder what they're like - what they look like, what their mannerisms are, what their health history is like, because after all, we are blood related, and I'm at least a bit curious about them. It's a bit weird though to have them post comments to all my facebook stuff or have them suddenly be so proactive in getting or wanting to catch up after 20+ years of estrangement. As I mentioned, they're all older, and they remember me individually - to me they're a vague bunch of cousins. I don't know them at all.

As for why we're estranged, it relates back to family conflict. My parents met in the United States shortly after immigrating. They both came from different religions, cultures, skin colors, continents, etc. They fell in love, but my mother's side of the family (where all these first cousins come from) did not support it, and especially did not support her (solely personal choice) to convert religions. They sent hate mail, made harassing phone calls, including my long-deceased maternal grandfather aggressively pushed my dad out of their house, with the support of my mom's siblings. Some of their kids (my cousins) were involved in some of this. I've read some of the letters. Some of them make reference to my siblings and I, including an isolating "you and your children will never amount to anything in life." This, as if we were my dad's kids, and not my mom's - tainted, different, and not related to them.

Their harassment prompted us to uproot away from the vicinity in which they all lived, my parents met, and my siblings and I were born. A number of years later (phone calls and letters from them continued) my mother got cancer and passed away. I know the ferociousness of cancer - but I attribute a significant part of her suffering from cancer to the anguish received from her family. I do not blame them entirely for her death, but I am a firm believer in a comprehensive health - they put a major strain on her emotionally, psychologically, etc, that I believe certainly attributed to her decline.

So fast forward 15-20 years. I'm in my late 20's. I've had zero contact with my mom's side of the family. I think some of her siblings came to her funeral, but it was kind of a blur. I don't know. I now live in the same metropolitan area as them. Several of them have contacted me on facebook, posted pictures/commentary on my mom in family photo albums, and I'm confused. They've shown my picture (and I think pictures of my siblings) to their parents, who caused my mom and dad such grief. Most of my mom's siblings are still alive, but all in their 70's. They (aside from one uncle) have never apologized for treating her the way they did. And now my aunts and cousins are saying how much we look like our mom, how beautiful we are, etc. This, from the same people who considered us more my dad's kids, than their sister's. We were not a part of them, and now we suddenly resemble grandmother, great-grandmother so and so?

I don't know how to handle or deal with this. I'm related to these people, but I do not know them. I attribute the declining health of my mom to them in a significant way. On the one hand, I think being mixed is such an incredible blessing, have devoted my studies and goals to cultural and religious conflict issues, and know that I have it easy - being one generation down, it's so easy for see different sides simultaneously and looking beyond such superficial differences comes naturally. But I know that it was an incredibly different thing 40+. And so I'm angry at my mom's siblings (and by some involvement and association, their kids) for being so damn ignorant, yet not. Because I come from a naturally plural background. They did not. Yet they have never apologized for their actions.

My dad has a lot of psychological/emotional problems. Some related to how he was treated by them and dealing with my mom's illness and eventual death, and some issues from his childhood. He would be devastated to know I/we have had contact with them. He gets devastated at the thought of it (I know this, because he has made incorrect assumptions and gotten extremely emotional).

But here I am, 10 miles or so away from my relatives. I've been in the area for over a year, and it kind of saddens me that I could be walking around the city, passing a relative, and not even know it. Yet, I do not know them at all. I feel weird that they seem to want to get to know me too. I don't want to be cold to them, yet when my cousins are commentating on my pictures, status messages, posted items on a consistent basis, it's weird. I know they're just trying to reach out, but it's a little much for people I haven't seen since I was in pre-school.

Years ago, I used to envision one day confronting my aunts about their behavior. Now these women, by way of their kids, are getting a look into how I'm doing now. I don't really know what to make of this. I would like to meet them perhaps (am naturally curious), but am afraid, per some of their behavior, it might be a little too "oohhh foofy foofy fun family reunion!" but I just don't know them. They also seem to have stories about my mom that I am interested in learning about. I know very very little about her, and am worried that if I don't take advantage of that, I may never get to know much about what she was like. I also don't want to crush my dad.

Has anyone ever been through meeting estranged relatives? How did it turn out? Can you give me any suggestions in dealing with the sudden bombardment of interest in you, from people you haven't seen in decades?

What do Americans think of Israel now?

minicloud — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 13:54:21 -0800

Is American support for Israel waning because of the Gaza crisis? I have been trying to find recent polls or articles that reflect what Americans are thinking about the Israeli strikes on Gaza and the US's relationship with Israel in general. It seems to me that given the civilian toll, more people should be questioning whether Israel is justified in using such force to stop Hamas. In discussion threads on Change.gov such as this one people seem to be opposed to Israel's recent actions and think we should re-evaluate our aid to the country, but I haven't heard any news about radical shifts in American attitudes towards Israel.

full disclosure: I am an American Jew (though secular) and I am not supportive of Israel's behavior in this recent bout of fighting. I don't want this thread to turn into an argument or a debate on the issue of whether Israel is right or wrong here, I only want to know about what Americans in general are thinking.

How can I sharpen my conflict resolution skills?

self — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 17:06:34 -0800

Conflict resolution-filter: How can I be a better (read: appropriately responsive and fair) moderator and listener? A lot more inside. I am a shift supervisor at a large coffee shop. First, let me make a few things about my title clear:

-I cannot fire anyone.
-I can't always send people home, if it's a busy day
-I do not make the schedule
-It is imperative that I don't (I can't even seem to) play favorites
-I have a load of responsibility to the store, as I am an active manager when there, and this whole post is only about part of the things I have to deal with.

However, the following dilemma can ruin an entire day, trickle down through morale, and ultimate affect the entire operation of the store. This is why I'm posting. Okay, here 'goes....

My job requires me to manage coworkers who deal with the same issues I do. A lot of the time, because we're in the customer service and retail industry and rely on each other to make work easier and more efficient, those issues often pertain to problems between coworkers.

When a dispute breaks out between two or more of them, they will typically come to me individually and gripe about the one another. It is my responsibility to listen to these concerns (no matter how trivial they can be), and try to effectively quell the tide of hysteria or complaining to resolution.

If I can't solve the problem, I at least need to deal with it to the point where work can continue unabated until the manager has the time to address it themselves.

This is just one aspect of my roll at the store, and I by no means have the leisure to sharpen that one skill. I'm often in the very same boat as these coworkers, working along side them. Besides having to be there for my coworkers, I am always dealing with the customers' needs, my superiors' requests, and anything else that might crop up (See top where I explain that I am effectively an active manager when I'm on the clock).

So I turn to AskMe for this one. I need to make sure my coworkers are feeling like they are being heard, that their concerns or complaints are being addressed, and that they can always talk to me. I often find myself feeling weird sympathizing with both sides of an argument (I almost feel superficial), and am tired of just feeling like a nodding head on a stick. I realize that that's the basic want of someone who is venting, but there's definitely more.

What advise can you, the great hive mind, give me about conflict resolution? What do you like to hear or see from someone you are going to to have your issues dealt with? What does this role of mine dictate in these often delicate situations? And how can I feel less boss-like and more confidant-ish?

I realize there are a multitude of books on the subject, but I often find them containing bland language or (to me) over-analytic fallacies. I'm dealing with people, not first-initial-last-names on a roster. And I'm one of those people.

In essence, help me help you*!

*as in the people

How can I make this relationship "healthy?"

Anonymous — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 11:53:46 -0800

Things with my parents are not good right now due to what I (thought) was a reasonable (although mishandled) decision. I knew it would be hard but wasn't expecting this; how do we deal? I'll try to condense this as much as possible. Basically, I've recently told my parents that I am marrying my long-distance boyfriend of two years and moving to his home, which is an 18 hour plane ride away. They are livid. I am in my late twenties, have already been divorced, and live a good 7-8 hour drive away from them as it is. When I got divorced three years ago they were also angry with me for not quitting my job and moving back near them (as they put it, there is "nothing there" for me where I had been living for the past two years, despite the fact that they live in an area with one of the highest unemployment rates in the US and that I had a good job where I was). The arguments and back and forth got so bad at that time that it really killed any desire I had to move back near them; I felt like they were being incredibly selfish and unsupportive of my divorce and only cared about having me within eyesight, rest of my life be damned.

A couple months ago I told them that I planned to quit my job at the end of the year and move (rather than sign another year-long lease where I am) but that I wasn't sure what would result, but that I was moving back near them for the interim. I was making plans at the same time with my bf, but because of his unstable job situation we didn't know when things would exactly work out, and I figured that I would be with him eventually and that I wanted to spend time with my family before that happened. I did not want to tell my family anything about my bf and I until it was all finalized, though, because of how they react whenever I tell them something I know they don't want to hear. I don't feel like I actually have a very good relationship with my parents because I do not feel like I can tell them anything personal; decisions I make are recieved with criticisms and negativity. I've grown to keep most things from them, and I really think my mom has a better relationship with my cousins (they chat on the phone about just daily life and things like that. My mom and I do not really have that). For pretty much the last year my parents had constantly been making comments about how I wasn't "allowed" to move abroad, and that I needed a local bf. They've met my bf and say they like him a lot, but that he isn't for me. These criticisms have been annoying to listen to, but I mostly ignored them. Rather than deal with them I just kept things to myself.

I realize now that I should have kept my parents in the loop with all this, because they now claim I "tricked" them. It was never my intention, but I can see how they feel decieved. Nothing I say to them now changes this. I have tried to explain to them that I didn't want to say anything until things were finalized, but they insist that I have no regard for anyone but myself and that the only reason I am marrying my bf is to get away from my family. They actually said that I was doing this to get away from them, and they both meant it. I have explained that I love my bf and want to be with him, I have explained that I love them very much too but that kids grow up and start their own families, but they either don't care, don't believe it or aren't listening. The only thing I have done that would make my parents think I wanted to get away from them was that I didn't move back home after my divorce (they cited this reasoning to me). I visit them often enough that co-workers have commented on the frequency of my visits (with the increase in gas it had dropped to about one weekend every month, but it was slightly more often prior to that). The arguments have been awful, the guilt has been worse. My mother claims she will never visit me and made a nasty comment about how now she has yet another way that someone else will dictate the way she has to spend her vacation time. She said she hates my bf's parents and never wants to meet them. My father asked me to really reconsider what I was doing to my mother. And so on and so on--the last few days visiting them have been a cycle of this and it was not a nice experience. I am no longer looking forward to the time I will be spending at home before I move. On the one hand I feel horrible about this--I really don't want to leave my family and it's not my intention to abandon them; however, at the same time I am also getting extremely angry about how they are acting. They say I'm selfish for leaving; I think they're selfish for thinking that they should expect to determine where I live. It's true that I've always wanted to live abroad, but it has nothing to do with them. If I say that, they get more upset. But the main reason that my fiance and I are living near his family rather than mine is that he is much, much closer to his family than I am to mine and they depend on him for a lot more. There is no way I can say that to my parents, though.

To be fair, my mother is going through a lot right now in taking care of her bed-ridden father and a lot of other family issues. I know this is not good timing for her, but I also know that she would act pretty much the same way regardless, but it does make things more stressful for her.

I am beginning to think there is nothing I can do to placate them (short of cancelling my plans, which is not happening) but I am getting to the point where I cannot deal with them not dealing, so what can I do?

What is mediation?

anotherpanacea — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 07:43:12 -0800

Please help me to understand and maybe learn mediation/alternative dispute resolution. My interest in this started because of scholarly work I do on deliberative forums, where ADR professionals called 'trainers' are often used to lead small group discussion of politically contentious topics. I was surprised to learn that there is a whole network of mediators and conflict resolvers out there, with off-shoots in finance and law.

1. Most ADR/mediation training seems either extremely commercialized (aimed at professionals looking to mediate divorces or bankruptcy) or is offered to students and young people pegged as potential 'leaders.' What skills and knowledge do courses in alternative dispute resolution, conflict resolution, and mediation supply? Are there ways for adults to learn these skills and knowledge outside of formal accreditation programs?

2. ADR seems ideal for resolving conflicts among faculty or within an activist organization, for instance, but maybe I'm blowing it out of proportion. I've found the top google searches already: acrnet.org, mediate.com, and campus-adr.org, and yes, I've done the rounds at the various wikipedia entries related to ADR and mediation. The lack of substance at these sites partially contributes to my skepticism. Is there a there there? Is there anything more to ADR than a set of therapeutic and diplomatic best practices, along with training in drafting contracts to protect oneself from liability? That is, is this something you can learn by reading the right book?

3. I'd love to hear anecdotal evidence from anyone who has had experience with ADR/mediation/conflict resolution, either as a participant or trainer.

Conflict Journalist?

xanthippe — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 13:38:47 -0800

Help me find a job as a "conflict journalist" in Africa, the Middle East, or a war zone. Asking on behalf of a good friend: He has extensive experience and a very solid resume as a journalist, and is fluent in 3 languages (English, German, Hungarian). He is currently working as a correspondent from his home country, and has successfully completed professional assignments in "conflict zones" such as Sudan, Chad and Afghanistan. He is mainly a writer but also a decent photojournalist.

However, he would like to turn his interest in conflict journalism into a career and be based in such a location for the long term, preferably in Africa. I suggested Kenya, Somalia, or the Ivory Coast as well as places he has already traveled to; he would be thrilled to take a position in Iraq or Afghanistan. Ideally he could have a permanent base somewhere in the region (East or West Africa, ME or West Asia?) and optionally travel as a regional correspondent.

So how can he find his dream job as a conflict journalist? Where to start the job search? I assume the sorts of positions he's interested in haven't got much competition, as they are so dangerous, and he is definitely qualified but not so much networked in the region. Does he have a good chance of finding a posting, and what action can he take to start networking and finding media companies, agencies, NGOs etc. that might employ him?