Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with confidence

Help me develop confidence, sprezzatura, nonchalance

Anonymous — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 14:15:20 -0800

Help me develop sprezzatura, the art of "a certain nonchalance, so as to conceal all art and make whatever one does or says appear to be without effort and almost without any thought about it." The "zen valedictorian" approach, but applied outside of a school setting. Or old-style Hollywood glamour, but updated for our millennium. I'd like to develop my ability to be more nonchalant, savoir faire, and cool. I've read a few posts on this (notably http://ask.metafilter.com/126169/No-wearing-Armani-doesnt-make-you-refined), but none of them relate exactly to sprezzatura. I'd like my life to have more confidence, beauty, and glamour.

I've done some pretty cool things, but I seem to do them by the skin of my teeth, grinding to the last minute. Although I'm female, I relate way too much to the main character in 500 Days of Summer, getting involved with people who may or may not want me and losing my cool. In my work life, I'm the one who procrastinates and then pulls all-nighters.

How does one apply sprezzatura in a variety of settings? How can I make my work seem more effortless, my contacts with potential romantic relationships, my overall demeanor?

What movies or books might be helpful in developing (or gaining role models for) sprezzatura? What are some fun examples of sprezzatura?

I want the calm purposefulness of Christopher McCandless of Into the Wild, the confidence of Katharine Hepburn, and the nonchalance of Jude Law. I'm quirky, but I don't want to come across like Drew Barrymore.

Btw, I'm not looking for parody here. Nothing where the person is so nonchalant that they come across as ridiculous, stuck-up, or staid.

Thank you!

Throwaway email: askmesprezza@gmail.com

Poor Me

Anonymous — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 10:00:08 -0800

I think I may have a victim mentality and I'm not sure how to fix it. I've known people with victim mentalities. They are always making excuses and think everybody is out to get them. They always have somebody to blame for their problems. I don't complain outwardly. I'm good-natured, don't blame others, and I'm not a "whiner" I'm aware of my shortcomings and take responsibility for them.

In dark moments I have a lot of negative self-talk and most of it rings of a victim mentality. I have thoughts like these:

If I lost weight it wouldn't matter because my husband wouldn't notice anyway. I'm not really attractive, so what is the point of trying to shed the extra pounds? I can't lose all of the weight I want to lose, so why bother? (Could holding onto extra weight be a form of rebellion?)

Why clean this house when it's in a crappy neighborhood? Nobody comes over anyway. If I clean the house I'll still have this crappy furniture.

Nobody has a fucked up family like mine. Why do I have to have a family like this?

I have made so many mistakes in my marriage/parenting/friendships. I'll never repair them and I'll never have fulfilling relationships.

And so on. As I write these out I realize how ridiculous they sound. These are the thoughts that are in my head and I repeat them often when I am feeling down. I have had these thoughts to varying degrees for years. How can I stop?

Learning to empathize

Anonymous — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 19:49:16 -0800

How can I understand, and empathize, with my fiancee's psychological issues? And other difficult-to-articulate questions. Posting anonymously as this is a fairly private issue I'd rather not have linked to my username.

Background info: I'd say I'm a well-adjusted, psychologically healthy male. I was raised believing in the power of the mind, with "anything's possible if you put your mind to it" as the family mantra. I'm a positive thinker and my own life has been shaped by discipline and self-control. I'm pretty stoic and always try to keep my emotions in check (I rarely cry or get angry, but I'm also upbeat and happy most of the time). Because these values have been reinforced and proven effective for me so many times over, I consider them virtues. I'm a big proponent of setting audacious goals, following my dreams, and being a self-made man.

The downside to this mindset is my difficulty empathizing with my fiancee. She takes two different medications, one for ADD and one for anxiety. This is probably a topic for another AskMe, but these two ailments are things I've always been skeptical of. I guess it's because I have no firsthand experience with them. I tend to agree with people like Thomas Szasz and the "anti-psychiatry" movement that these conditions are real but not necessarily best treated medically. Perhaps they're conditioned by upbringing, compounded by years of self-fulfilling diagnoses, special ed assignments, overstimulation, and psychosomatic confirmation bias. I realize this is controversial, and I don't want to debate it in this thread. Just trying to paint a picture of where I'm coming from.

My instinct, my deep desire, is to try to wean my fiancee off her meds (which she freely admits to hating for a number of reasons) and transition to a better-structured, calmer lifestyle. To help her rein in her issues sans pharmaceuticals. I feel some urgency, because doing nothing is unsustainable in the long term -- she continues to increase her dosage every few years just to get the same effects. How can someone follow that trajectory for a lifetime? It pains me to see her chemically addicted to mind-altering drugs that, as far as I can tell, only mask the symptoms instead of addressing the underlying cause. I'm particularly concerned about side effects that may manifest when we try for kids in a few years.

Anyway, that's a discussion for another time. Let me get to my real question.

When we talk about going off the meds, my fiancee agrees with my motivations but is terrified at the thought. It's not just the addiction talking -- she's fully convinced that her issues are 100% chemical and that there are no viable alternatives to prescription drugs. This is where I find it very hard to put myself in her shoes: she insists that she has no self-control, that it's clinically impossible for her to take any responsibility for her actions. This is contrary to everything I've ever believed about free will and sounds to my ears like pessimism or defeatism. She's playing the victim and refusing to even TRY to resist whatever urges pop into her head. She feels like it's out of her control but I have trouble believing it really is.

An example... something unexpected happens and her anxiety flares up. I try to calm her down. "It's okay," I say softly. I put my arm around her and breathe slowly so she can synchronize with me. I remind her that it's not the end of the world, that we can improvise and work around the obstacle. Her reaction is unexpected to me. She gets angry. "I can't calm down," she snaps. She pulls away from me sharply and does erratic things. It's like my attempts to help are useless, anything I do or say only aggravates the problem. Later she apologizes and tells me that her "brain was going very fast" and she simply couldn't process any stimuli at the time. Trying to help only snowballed the problem and she got angry with me for adding to the noise in her head.

She spends a lot of time angry or worried, even on her medication. I desperately want to help her get past these emotions, which will eat her up inside and make her miserable; training myself to overcome them was one of the best decisions I ever made. I want my fiancee to share my optimism and desire for adventure. I love her and just want to see her happy, not just momentarily but as a general frame of reference for her outlook on life. It's just healthier, for both of us as we head into marriage.

We've done pre-marital counseling, which I thought was great. But all of the counselor's advice built off my supposition that talking through issues in a logical, respectful manner is effective. Unfortunately, in the heat of the moment, clear-headed discussion is impossible (which frustrates me to no end, because I try endlessly to work through every bump in the road, just as was recommended, and seem to end up worse for my efforts).

I'm sorry this is so long. I don't really know how to frame this as a question but I'm getting exasperated. How can I help my fiancee? How can I come to understand her feeling of powerlessness? How can I actually make progress toward helping her overcome it?

My mind is open to new ways of looking at mental health, but it's still difficult for me. I feel that on some subconscious level, she's just lacking confidence in herself, being stubborn, and refusing to take responsibility for her behavior. She's not doing it intentionally, I know. If you think I'm wrong (and I'm sure many here will), how can I internalize the fact that some people literally cannot will themselves through adversity the way I've always done? It's almost impossible for me to accept, as it flies in the face of a lifetime of personal experience and seems ludicrous to me.

Any advice or related info is much appreciated. Throwaway email at empathytrouble@yahoo.com if you need it.

Self-conscious perfectionist wanting to change so she can train better

Chrysalis — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 14:24:38 -0800

Please help me be less self-conscious at the gym This is really sabotaging my workouts. I've training for 4 years now (various gyms) and am still ridiculously self conscious about it. The gym I'm currently at is both a normal fitness and a boxing gym, and I use both sections every day. In my boxing training, if any of the pro boys are training at the same time as me I get self-conscious of my technique and fitness, despite the fact that they've all been lovely and helpful. I'm currently trying to get my conditioning back after a bit of a lay-off from injury and I'm so embarrassed about my fitness/strength at present. I find I sometimes avoid working on my weaknesses or doing exercises that are difficult for me or unfamiliar (even when I totally need to do them) because I'm embarrassed about how bad I am at them and don't want anyone to know - which is totally self-defeating. Or I'll try to do them at home rather than at the gym so no-one else sees. Because there's only one other girl boxer at the gym (and she doesn't train with the same group as me) people sometimes really *are* looking at me, more for curiosity than anything else, and when it happens it throws me off a bit.

Also, when my trainer puts me through a really tough workout sometimes I waste energy being afraid that maybe I won't get through it and will have to stop - which is my biggest fear. This is even worse when other people are there but even when I'm training by myself I'm always terrified that I won't be able to complete a challenge I've set myself.

I want to stop being so self-conscious and feeling like I have to be really good at everything cos I can actually feel it lowering my energy levels and it's not what I should be focussing on. And I know if I keep doing these things I will eventually become good at them, but how can I stop feeling like an idiot in the mean time? Even when I was using the weights room I was self-conscious of the fact that I wasn't lifting much weight, I know everyone has to start somewhere but I felt embarrassed and it put me off doing it.

I guess my main concern is being bad at something/failing, especially in front of other people. How can I get past this?

Hi, I'm anonymous. Wanna make time?

Anonymous — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 10:28:08 -0800

How do I deal with my recently redeveloped confidence? I'm mid twenties and a male. I'm highly intelligent and educated, in very good shape and moderately handsome. When I was younger I was precocious, very confident and gregarious, but at about 13 I started developing severe cystic acne that would get worse for many years. At about 14 I started fighting sometimes deep depression, for which I was on Prozac briefly. I learned to deal with it on my own, and things weren't really any worse than most teenagers perceive them to be. By 16 or 17 I was in phenomenal shape from extensive involvement in sports and apparently confident and attractive enough that I was dating frequently. At 18, I was about to go to college, live with my best friend and continue my enthusiastic lifestyle. Then, without relating all of the stories in detail, I lost that best friend to profound schizophrenia, quit playing my sport, developed a serious drug addiction (to OTC sleeping pills of all things), moved mostly alone to a new town, and became entangled in a two-year relationship that I wasn't ready for and felt I never consented to. I got out of shape, my acne got worse, and all of these things combined into some deep guilt, depression and general self-image issues. All of the standards, suicidal thoughts, alcoholism (I'd kicked the pills sometime during the relationship), struggling in school, etc. I couldn't see how things could change. I haven't been on a date in four years, since passive-aggressively driving the girlfriend to end things.

But wait! It gets better! I don't know if I started growing out of the hormonal things, or if I just bootstrapped myself up over the years, but lots of things started happening. In no particular order, I switched majors to something that I love and excel in, began taking Accutane (acne med) which is helping greatly, and started exercising regularly to the point that I'm in almost as good of shape as I was at my peak, became financially successful, learned to drink in moderation, and learned to dress. Bearing some relationship to all of this, my spells of depression have been getting shorter and shallower to the point that they've been nothing more than normal, temporary bad moods for some time now. More to the point, my confidence levels have been high and (this is key) non-manic. So things are going well, and have been for long enough that I'm no longer afraid of breaking the spell by talking about it.

Here's the question part: What do I do now? It's been a long time since I either got or allowed myself to perceive any attention from females, and since the confidence levels have been the most recent development which is corresponding to a perceived increase in said attention, I think I can verify that confidence really is key.

I've been getting much more attention from acquaintances, cashiers, girls on the street, wherever, which I enjoy. However, I have no experience to deal with this. I don't know how to "make a move" on someone at a party, or the protocol about asking out a waitress, liquor store cashier, or smiley girl on the street. For that matter, I'm not even sure that this attention points to the possibility of romantic attraction rather than general friendliness. The last time I was "macking" as it was called then, my main tactic was, "wanna come over and watch a movie?" Which, while possibly still viable, isn't the silver bullet it used to be with roommates around.

What do you think? How can I figure these things out? I want to date again. I want a good relationship again. I don't want to be celibate.

Uncertainy is a long time friend.

lwclec072 — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 18:48:16 -0800

Conquering confidence issues at the age of 25. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, I'm so lucky to have found him but I feel like I've found him at the wrong time of my life and feel like nothing but a nuisance. I really shouldn't feel this way, he has been absolutely amazingly patient and loving towards me despite my self esteem problems. Before him I've had nothing but bad experiences with men everything from my virginity being taken as a joke at the age of 22 to being the other woman many times. My current relationship is my first real boyfriend and first serious relationship. In the past, I'd met quite a few nice guys but would never open up and always became distant as I always had this fear of not being good enough. I realize all my bad experiences with men is most likely due to my lack of self respect. The problem for me today is that it's definitely not fixing itself, I have found this amazing man and I'm letting these issues I have inside ruin our relationship, I have constant fear that he'll leave me that I'm not good enough and that I have nothing to offer to him. I'm honest with him about my feelings, he tries to reassure me but it really doesn't help much because of trust issues. He's been so very patient with me but I'm slowly letting it pull us apart. I feel like I cannot really love him and make him happy until I'm happy with myself and that's the truth. I cannot give him the love and respect that I believe he deserves because of all these problems I allow my relationships with others to revolve around. He's willing to stick with me through it and says it's not a good excuse to let go of someone you love. All of these feelings just starting to come up again is just hard to handle, if you want you can read my past questions, only to possibly get a better understanding of things. The main issue here though is my lack of confidence/lack of respect for myself and others. If I'm not confident with myself at the age of 25, I'm terrified that I may never get there, I feel completely hopeless.

On a side note, I know this question is horribly written and disorganized, but this was a very hard question for me to formulate. I thought that the hive would be the place to come to ask for the most genuine and thoughtful opinions/advice. I'm hoping I do not get the same advice I've received elsewhere, that I need to grow up and get counseling. Also, yes, I do have an emotionally fragile soul, that's certainly a weakness of mine.

Thanks in advance for anything you have to offer to my trainwreck of a situation.

How do I feel more confident among more accomplished people?

Anonymous — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 15:36:48 -0800

How do I keep myself from feeling inadequate in certain professional settings? I am currently an intern at a very reputable organization. I have a Bachelor's and almost completed a general (not Finance major, but quite a bit) MBA. I'll be moving to Canada soon, where I plan on doing the CSC and CPH for starters and then start the CFA. I have a lot of plans. I'm 26, and I do not have a lot of working experience, made worse by the fact that I changed fields.

Quite often I attend seminars/forums as a part of my job, which deals a lot with the private sector. These things are usually pretty expensive to attend, and are attended by many high ranking Government and finance professionals.

Today, I attended another one, and left feeling pretty small and intimidated by everyone else. I felt very inexperienced, and nowhere near as qualified as everyone else, and like I shouldn't be there. It made me feel pretty inadequate, unaccomplished, and like I was a high school student sneaking into a grad school class (not because I didn't understand anything, but just that I shouldn't be with the grown-ups). Usually the other attendees are older than I am, 10 years and up.

Usually I am pretty confident, ambitious, and none of these people have ever been mean to me. I work very hard, and know that 10 years from now I'll be doing very well professionally.

Do any of you have any advice on how I can overcome this?

I beat myself up after sharing in meetings

seekingsimplicity — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 10:46:55 -0800

Almost every meeting I go to and share anything I beat myself up afterwards. This happens to me in business meetings and at something as simple as a knitting group. At my knitting group, if I share something about my personal life, I feel judged, not only by the people in the group but by me! It is so bad that it has even caused me to quit going to certain groups because it is so painful to feel the feelings after the meeting of "why did I say that?" , "she doesn't like me" , " I bragged when I shared that about my daughter" , why did I tell that story about my husband? and on it goes. I am an otherwise happy, well- adjusted, mostly confident woman of 50 years old. My husband says it must be self-esteem. I feel unsafe in most groups and ALWAYS question ANYTHING I share! I have even tried not saying much in the group/meeting but I always end up saying something and HATE it afterward. Anyone have some tips for me? I can ruin lots of my day ruminating over the things I said, so I would like to get some help from you. Yesterday I was in a meeting to discuss candidates for a position and I had some misgivings about the candidate in question. As soon as I shared my opinion, I started the whole "beat self up" routine. In the parking lot after the meeting, I saw 2 of the men from the meeting having a "parking lot meeting" and I "KNEW" (yeah right) they were discussing how pathetic my comments were. I know in my heart that there in nothing "wrong" with what I say, but this habit of self-talk really gets me. Do I just quit telling about my life and my feelings and keep to the facts and to surface conversation? HELP!

Teaching Children Responsibility

Fairchild — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 12:04:17 -0800

Please help me nip another parental failing in the bud. I want help my children be more responsible. I have a couple lazy parenting practices that I'm not proud of. They aren't doing my kids any favors and I wish to correct them.

My first-grader and third-grader have never been expected to clean their bedroom. I want to begin making this a requirement. Should I first show them how it is done and then allow them to clean it on a certain schedule? I'm not sure I want to give a monetary reward for completing the room cleaning. I think taking away a privilege would be more effective. Is this a good idea? How do you go about it with your children? Or, if you are not a parent, what were your parents' expectations?

They do pick up their toys in other rooms and outdoors when told, but they must be told. We have no chore chart or expectations for daily or weekly chores. When the mood strikes, or if we are having guests, we will ask them to do something and they will do it. I usually clean their bedroom because it is allowed to become a huge disaster and at this point I prefer doing it on my own because I am frustrated by the mess. I will give them tasks such as putting the Legos in the bin but I'm not sure they know how to make a bed, or pick a room from start to finish. Or, maybe I just think they can't. What should I expect at this age?

Also, I wake them up every morning for school. Should they have an alarm clock? What kind of morning routine is best to instill responsibility? I set out their clothes and prompt them what to do next. They don't even have to think for themselves in the morning because mom and dad are giving orders every step of the way. This doesn't sound very good but they are not babied. They have other responsibilities and we don't tolerate whining or excuses, we just haven't made them clean up after themselves with any kind of regularity.

I never had regular "chores" as a kid. My mother cleaned my bedroom and woke me up for school. She probably dressed me until I was in the fifth-grade. I don't want to repeat this pattern and time is slipping by. I wish for them to be more responsible and self-directed.

I feel like I should know how to do this but I want advice on how to best go about it.

Thanks.

Confidence making friends?

Anonymous — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 13:28:55 -0800

Please talk me out of my anxiety about making friends. By way of context, I'm male and a full time graduate student.

I have trouble making friends. Generally, not only am I afraid to make the first move, I'm afraid to make any sort of move. Here's the thinking I use to justify this to myself: We all know the vaguely annoying guy who hangs around when he's not very wanted, and although people are polite to him while he's there, they're not going to invite him around and they may privately wish he would just go away. He wants to be people's friend, but they don't want to be his friend--and that's okay, friendship is voluntary. (I know I'm not just imagining this phenomenon because while I don't have many friends now I've been other the annoyed side of it and I'm married, so I hear about and experience first hand the people like this who my wife knows.) I have no reason to think I am that guy. But mostly that's because I'm generally very quiet, almost never go up to talk to people I know, and never ever invite people to do things with me.

I am afraid that if I were to start talking to people and trying to be part of their lives or invite them to be part of my life, I would become that guy. And I would be causing people to dislike me or making them uncomfortable, and I might not even know it, because most people are nice and wouldn't let on that I'm overstaying my welcome or inserting myself where I'm not wanted. And that's a frightening prospect, since everyone in that situation is unhappy.

As a result, I feel like I am always waiting for someone else to come up to me and tell me "I want to be your friend" so that I can be certain that I'm not being merely tolerated. That's my greatest fear. Because, really, I'm an introvert and happily married and generally content not to have real friendships. (I just recognize that perhaps I'm wrong about that and I'm missing something, so I want to figure this out.) Since I'm usually happy by myself, my choice has been not to seek out social relationships instead of being constantly afraid that I was annoying someone.

But I don't get invited to do things with people or sought out for conversation after class. Other people do, somehow! So I assume that that difference is a result of something that's apparent about me. Other people have qualities that make people seek them out for friendship, and for some reason people don't seek me out.

I feel like I should say that I have no reason to think I'm depressed or even that I have low self-esteem. I think I'm an fine guy, easy to get along with. I don't think that my failure to make/attract friends is a judgment on my quality as a person. But I know that just because someone is an utterly unobjectionable human being doesn't mean that specific other people want to be their friend. Obviously that's a very personal thing.

I'm really afraid of exercising the kind of confidence that seems necessary to start conversations or plan dates/events. For some people (in particular situations), that confidence is warranted because people are happy to be on the receiving end. For others, it's not, because people (in that particular situation) aren't attracted to them.

How do I stop assuming that I'm in the second group?

Feel good in my skin.

lwclec072 — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 09:30:07 -0800

How to feel sexy in my skin for once?? I lost quite a bit of weight during my adolescent years due to hormonal issues which has left me feeling self conscious about my body since then. I have stretch marks all over my thighs, butt, sides, saggy breasts, arms, etc. I've been in a relationship with the same guy for going on 3 years and I've been really craving feeling sexy to him, like other women, he says guys only look at other women when they're not satisfied and he does.

I obviously do not have the greatest body image and just looking for tips on things I can do to improve that and feel better in my skin which hopefully will make him see me differently. I'm not a large woman I weigh 145 so the weight isn't such an issue for me.

Saddling Him With My Baggage

Anonymous — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 10:27:44 -0800

Parenting techniques, insight, and maturity needed before I completely ruin my kid's life. I have a nine-year-old son that causes me great anxiety at times. I know it is not rational to feel this way. He is a healthy, intelligent, nice kid. He does very well academically. He is self-motivated. He can be very shy at times. He has a competitive streak. He enjoys getting good grades and doing well. Sometimes he believes he can't do things when I'm confident he can. His confidence suffers at times. He has friends and functions fine socially. I have been told numerous times that he is "goodhearted", "strong", "athletic", "fair", "calm", and "kind" by teachers and friends. His second-grade teacher called him "my absentminded professor". He is fairly athletic and participates in sports and other extra-curricular activities. He can do almost anything you ask him to do.

At times he has behaviors that annoy me and cause me great anxiety. Not your everyday kid things like leaving the refrigerator open or peeing on the toilet seat. The anxiety happens when he runs a certain way, or talks like a baby, or throws a certain way, or sits on my lap when we have company, or does anything that I deem "strange", "feminine", "babyish", or "annoying".

Even though he is very smart he is an airhead. I hate to label him this way and I would never call him an airhead to his face. It seems he is always daydreaming, spacey, and forgetful. I was the same way as a kid and I don't want to hold it against him but it still drives me crazy. An example: Sometimes I lash out when he is spacing out in the bathtub or shower and doing nothing but playing with himself and staring at the ceiling. I'll raise my voice and yell his name a few times and shout, "Get to work!" Sometimes I'll begin washing him and shampooing his hair and pull him out of the tub, throw the towel around him and bark more orders. I lose my patience quickly with him when he is acting spacey. It leaves me feeling like a terrible parent and does nothing to build our relationship, instill confidence, or bring harmony. Sometimes I have great anxiety when he is on the field playing various team sports. Sometimes when he is playing with friends I'll eavesdrop. There is one neighborhood boy that is always touching, hugging, and hanging on my kid and it causes me anxiety.

I have another younger son that does not annoy me. He can space out in the bathtub or throw the ball poorly but I don't seem to get that anxious feeling. He does do better when prompted and seems more "with it". He is also more "masculine" than the bigger kid. I hate myself for thinking this way and scrutinizing masculine vs. feminine behaviors. I know it is wrong, childish, and even hateful on so many levels. My spouse thinks I'm crazy when I brooch the subject and always says, "He's fine. Leave him alone. Give him a chance to succeed."

I compare him to other boys his age and always seem to think other boys his age are more "boyish" or "masculine".

I don't want to sound like I am constantly berating my kid. Mostly, I have the thoughts and fears and refrain from acting out on them. There are times when I do act on the anxiety and I know I am crushing his confidence and causing a lot of heartache on both ends. I wish I were one of those very confident parents that accept their children for who they are. I do accept him most of the time and I do love him dearly but I still have these fears that he is not behaving the way a nine-year-old should and I freak out.

I should note that I can go for weeks, even months, feeling fine and anxiety-free. I only seem to have anxiety about my kids. I have a pretty awesome, low-stress life, and if you want to call this a problem, this is the only one I have. The anxiety comes and goes (the beginning of a new sports season for instance) and I begin focusing on his behavior. When he was younger I had no such thoughts or problems with him. I have been in therapy in the past and I do constructive things to control my anxiety levels (exercise, yoga, meditation, friends, hobbies, etc.) I know my behavior and thoughts are wrong and destructive.

This is deeply embarrassing for me to ask. I feel like I should be more evolved and wise. I am not a monster. I desperately want to calm down and accept him for who he is, be proud of him (I am proud of him), and help build his confidence instead of crushing it.

Why am I acting like this? Why am I so frustrated? Am I afraid that my child might be gay? Do I feel like his behavior is a reflection on my parenting? Maybe. How can I stop or channel this anxiety in a more productive way and let him be and accept him for who he is? Any advice, anecdotes, or wisdom appreciated.

How to prioritise many urgent / important issues?

Anonymous — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 17:38:05 -0800

Help me prioritise my career / accomodation / other goals - they all appear to be short term! [ideally UK MeFi people]. Anon because contains detailed career / personal issues. I have recently started a new job (senior but low-ranking librarian) in a London (UK) university.

This is a big improvement over last year, when (to cut it short) I suffered from a stress-related problem while studying a Masters degree. In short a lot of things hit me at once, study, work, family problems, relationship breakdown...!

I'm now feeling much better and coping with life. Despite this, six months into the job I feel in a rut, as I live in lodgings in an expensive town and can't find a good priced longer-term place to stay. Going back to my family is not an option (it was a large cause of stress last year) and I can't stay with friends.

If I could get a higher salaried job, that would be great, but I doubt it would be at my current institution. Plus, given the effects that stress had on me last year, I am keen to avoid more upheavals and jobs that involve a lot of pressure.

I've started doing a further professional qualification but am now looking at postponing it so I don't get stressed out again! PLus I'm very doubtful library work will satisfy me long-term.

I'm highly educated (undergrad degree in Physics, Masters in library/information management, multilingual though not qualified in languages) but have been *very* unadventurous in my career so far, partly because I followed (what I now see as) bad advice and took "safe" scientific qualifications rather than languages which are my passion, and have lacked self-confidence.

Unfortunately I don't have any savings and I'm not earning much at all, just enough to live on, really. With my driving lessons I am making a yearly loss...!

I'd really like some help to see what would be a good area to prioritise more, or even really some suggestions to help me think outside the corner which I feel I've painted myself into!

I am an oversensitive wimp.

molybdenumblue — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 08:35:18 -0800

How to be more resilient to constructive criticism? Sorry if this has been covered well before, but it's hard to search for. I have trouble dealing with criticism. I don't mean that I'm not open to it, or become angry, just that it really hurts my feelings and discourages me. Even when comments are phrased specifically and respectfully, I have trouble seeing anything but the negativity.

For example, if a professor marks up a paper of mine--even if I get a high B or a low A on it!--I can't read his/her comments without feeling personally hurt, to the point that I often avoid looking at them. If someone pulls me aside to make a legitimate suggestion in person, I am often on the verge of tears at the end of the conversation.

This is especially true when I'm under a lot of stress (as lately), but looking back, it's always been with me. I'm told that many people in my generation are accustomed to constant praise, but I don't think of myself as spoiled. I want to be someone who takes criticism in stride and implements it. What are some strategies I can use to cut down on the discouragement (and the looking crazy) and focus on improving?

How to become more confident in my life?

Anonymous — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 14:49:09 -0800

I've lacked confidence in every aspect of my life, and it's holding me back. What can I do? Since I was a young boy, I've felt like I wasn't good enough to be successful. I never felt like I was as athletic or smart as others. In college and grad school, this sense of being a fraud and not smart or talented enough carried over.

This feeling has pervaded my entire life. I didn't apply for internships and scholarships in college. I didn't apply for jobs or scholarships in grad school. In these instances, I felt like there was no point in applying because I wouldn't get them. There would also be times when I would be paralyzed by fear of applying and being rejected, and would go sleep or watch TV.

Now, I'm in a dead end job, and am too unconfident to try and get another job. I look at jobs and my mind instantly goes to reasons why I won't be qualified for the job. Other times, I'm very fearful of being rejected. This is severely hampering my ability to advance my career.

This lack of confidence has also extended into my romantic life. I never approach women because I assume they'll say no because I'm too fat or ugly. As a result, I didn't have my first girlfriend until 25, and have only had 2 serious relationships in my 30 years. My lack of confidence has me worried that I will never find anyone or die alone.

I've been in therapy for a couple of years, and have been tangentially discussing these issues. I just recently realized through talking with my therapist that this lack of confidence is why I never take risks and why I've been held back in my life.

Are there any methods that any of you have used to get over this sort of problem? Are there any books or sites I can consult when I can't see my therapist or that will give me additional insight?

Thanks for any help. If you need to follow up, I've set up a throwaway e-mail at unconfidentman@gmail.com

Regaining confidence after crappy review?

jennyhead — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 04:19:47 -0800

I had a shitty performance review. How do I gain back my confidence? A few weeks ago, I had my first annual performance review and it was quite bad (although my sixth month review was absolutely glowing, so go figure). The bad annual review was not a total surprise given that I had made a few mistakes on things in the weeks leading up to the review; mistakes which I chalk up to a combination of inexperience and a need to be more detail-oriented, as well as management issues.

I've learned a lot from my mistakes and managers from this experience. Which is great. But I feel like I have absolutely ZERO confidence in myself now, and it's overshadowing all of the good things about my life now. Which sucks. Any tips on how to get my confidence back? Apart from the obvious 'improve my performance and show that I've learned from my mistakes'?

How Do I improve My Self-Confidence?

gadha — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 04:55:54 -0800

Many of my previous questions have focused on self-improvement, especially in technical and academic contexts. It's beginning to dawn on me it might be a confidence issue more than anything else. Is this fixable? I have asked a myriad of questions in the past wrt trying to improve in technical and academic contexts. However, its recently dawned on me that my self-confidence seems to be quite quite low and that could actually impinge on my desire to improve.

Negative thoughts seem to pervade my mind, mostly fleeting (e.g. starting a piece of work might lead me to think "why bother, XXX could do this better than I ever can") to outright crashing me (e.g. I will get to the end of the day and berate myself for the slow slow progress I'm making or realize a problem and spend the evening berating myself on how it was obvious/should have been realized earlier/be sure that someone else would not have had it).

While I'm aware of this trait, I've kept it and listen to it, but in moderation on the basis that I've always felt it's better to be this way than one of those people who have no absolute clue of their capabilities and hammer on not getting anywhere due to no self-awareness.

However, its become clear to me that this is hampering me by making me feel down and depressed about myself, my capabilities and my life. I'm at the point where I'd rather be an amateur at my work and below the level I wish to be in terms of competence and NOT have this nagging voice in my head putting me down.

Is there a clear path to changing such behavior? Is there a mechanism for doing so? Conversely, are there techniques that would allow me to boost my self-confidence so I don't feel like such a failure and actually manage to do something of use?

Help me break the ice with strangers!

Chrysalis — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 23:33:58 -0800

I want to be more extroverted and confident and practice starting conversations with strangers... what are some good conversation openers? Tips? I'm female if that makes a difference. Would like to talk to random cute guys with view to potentially picking up but also just generally be confident enough to strike up a brief conversation with a random person while I'm out and about and rack up some practice. Looking for good conversation openers and tips in general.

Quitting the competition, while still running the race

Chrysalis — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 07:25:20 -0800

Help me get my focus back on my own life and happiness and stop comparing/competing with my ex in my own mind... and stop having how I compare with others as a condition to my happiness/self esteem in general... 3 months ago I found out my boyfriend had been cheating on me, so I packed my bags the same day and moved back to my home town (I'd moved city to live with him, had been there a year) to try to rebuild my life. I've been doing a pretty good job of that, all things considered, and now have a great job, am studying and keeping busy with my sport, have reconnected with all my friends and have a pretty good social life, but I still find myself comparing or competing with him in the back of my mind... wondering whether I'm doing better or worse than he is (I cut off all contact so I don't know anything for certain and he doesn't know what I'm up to)... even though I know it doesn't matter and there's enough happiness to go around for both of us.

Due to the fact that he cheated on me with much prettier girls, my already shaky confidence in terms of attractiveness, has taken a bit of a beating, whereas he would have got a huge ego boost and being very handsome, charming and a seasoned player who knows what people want to hear, no doubt has more girls on tap. I've been getting some male attention which has been reassuring but somehow I feel like maybe I should be trying to be a player like he was, and compete with him on that level. Then I remember that I actually *don't* want to just have a whole bunch of meaningless encounters or dishonest relationships just to stroke my ego, I would at some point like to have a real, caring relationship, if indeed such a thing is a realistic expectation, and I certainly don't want to use or decieve anyone the way he did me. Sometimes I worry that maybe the fact that I want something different in terms of relationships to what he wants is some kind of deficiency and Mr Player knows something I don't.

We also compete in the same sport, him much more successfully than I, and I'm sure that would continue to be the case, and to be honest, that bothers me. I always put in 100% effort but he has more natural talent and experience. I hate that he was so awful and is living out my dream.

I know I need to go back to thinking in terms of "me" not "we" and just focus on my own life and have that be enough in and of itself, and that he is not the kind of person I should even want to be like, but there's always a little voice in my head when something good happens going "haha, take that, I win" and the opposite when something bad happens. And then, as in the above example, sometimes I want things I don't even want, just so that I can feel like I came out alright. I guess I have a bit of a fear that he's just more of a winner in life and I'm the loser who got played - I don't want to think like this!

I know I am a competitive person anyway, and I have always been guilty of comparing myself to others, to the detriment of my own happiness, but I want to change. I want to stop comparing myself to him, and to other people, and stop setting "being better/the best" as a precondition to my happiness/sense of self worth. I feel like I'm wasting my life away like this!

What are some things I can think about or do to help me live my life in the context of my own personal values/goals/dreams again and not keep having to compete to prove to him or myself that I am a great person?

Help me become assertive, please

Anonymous — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 11:11:23 -0800

People-pleaser wants to transform, seeking self-help books and inspirational books/movies I was raised to always, always, always attend to everyone else's needs and then maybe, if there is time, think of myself. According to my parents, this is called "being a good girl." According to an awful lot of people (including boyfriends), this makes me a doormat to use and take advantage of.

A friend lent me the book Why Men Love Bitches and I was pretty skeptical at first, but I read it anyway. If you ignore the silly sexist parts of the book, it is fantastic! It made me realize for the first time in 34 years that it would not make me an awful, horrible person who is going straight to hell if I just stop bending over backwards to please everyone. It also made me realize that I decide my value, not everyone else.

Unfortunately, the book only got me started on what I think is quite a long path of transformation, so I was hoping that someone would please recommend some more? Self-help books would be great, but I would also love to see some inspirational stories about a woman like me transforming into the woman I am trying to become. Two recommendations I got from friends are Beautiful and Fried Green Tomatoes, so I'm going to rent them tomorrow night.

How to Keep Steady?

EatTheWeak — Mon, 25 May 2009 11:43:48 -0800

Please help a fella out with the next stage of his Courtship Reeducation Program: How to stay cool when you can't stay ambivalent? Yup, DatingFilter, your favorite and mine.

A little over a year ago I got fed up with my poor romantic track record and set out to do something about it. The idea was to address the things I felt stood in the way of my having a fulfilling love life and the goal was to sort them out while I was still young.

That meant getting in shape, dressing better, disabusing myself of the impossibly high-pressure "soulmate" theory, curing myself of Nice Guy Syndrome and basically embracing the status of "single" as something that's actually pretty fun and exciting to be. This reeducation program is ongoing and I'm in no rush whatsoever to wind up in a comitted relationship any time soon. However, I have reached something of an impasse, and I was hoping to get the HiveMind's help with getting around it.

See, as a lifelong shy bastard, I recently learned that flirting is a total blast and, in spite of the panic you may initially feel, getting to know a woman usually doesn't put you in any physical danger. When I'm ambivalent about a gal, I have absolutely zero difficulty keeping these facts in mind. If I find a girl kinda cute and interesting, talking with her is super fun and easy.

If she's gorgeous and fascinating, however, it all falls apart. My tongue goes five sizes too big and maintaining eye contact feels like it's gonna blow my head off. That once-omnipresent panicking pressure to be funnyandinterestingandattractive at all times comes back and I feel like I gotta dive for cover. Which is what I usually wind up doing, which is a drag.

I'd like to make unraveling this malfunction my summer project. I've gotten pretty good at staying cool when talking and flirting with women I'm ambivalent about; how do I do this when a gal's really rung my bell? Mild attraction is no longer terrifying, but I've still got this situation going where, the more my type a woman is, the less likely I am to talk to her. The surest sign I really dig a girl is that I never say a word to her, and that's a trend I'd like to reverse.

It's a steady job, but he wants to be a paperback... editor

Jon_Evil — Thu, 14 May 2009 07:33:12 -0800

EmploymentFilter: I will soon have a job interview to be a copy editor/proofreader for a scientific publishing company. What sort of questions can I expect my interviewer to ask? My resume & cover letter are pretty good and usually impress people, but I tend to get nervous, clam up, and stutter in an actual interview. I always figure out the perfect answer to a question as soon as I've finished telling my prospective employer the wrong answer. Thus, I want to be as well-prepared as I possibly can be for these questions.

Background information: To get this interview, I had to correct an ambiguity- and error-ridden sample article sufficiently. I have a few months of experience editing scientific journals in 2007, in addition I have a bachelors in biology and half a masters in psychology with lots of lab experience, and did a lot of newspaper editing work in college. Other than that I've been a chef and and an office monkey.

HA Ha ha--not funny

tenaciousd — Fri, 08 May 2009 04:53:44 -0800

How can I get rid of my nervous laugh? I was out with a group of people last night and again noticed myself laughing at things that weren’t jokes. It wasn’t serious conversation, but it wasn’t in response to a funny story or joke. I could feel my jaw clenching a little and my stomach tightening. It clearly wasn’t a relaxed, good-times reaction.

I realize the underlying issue here is confidence, and the nervous laugh is symptomatic of that. But I’m hoping that by addressing the symptom, I might start fixing the cause.

What tips do you have for getting rid of a nervous laugh?

This mouse wants to roar more, not squeak

Anonymous — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 20:15:40 -0800

How do I force myself to speak up more in class? I'm in graduate school. A big emphasis is placed on speaking up in class and discussing your opinions and ideas on the week's readings. That's my problem right there.

I DON'T talk in class. It takes me a long time to come up with something to say. Usually, it's already been said by the time I think of it, or the teacher doesn't necessary notice me until a couple of hands have gone down (or there's a lull in people blurting out their thoughts). I get freaked out when I do speak up, and a lot of times my responses don't come out self-assured and confident at all. Once I got picked on, and I spent a full five minutes staring at my binder while the speaker and the class looked on, before coming up with a weak response. Most of my classmates and my regular professors have caught on that I find it very tough to speak up, and I've noticed instances where they try to help me out by providing leaders or being extra patient. I don't always take their leads (if I even notice it at the time--I usually don't until after class is over and I do a bit of reflecting), and I think I've noticed a bit of frustration on their part at times.

I'm naturally quiet. I don't speak much at home or outside of school normally. But I also spent childhood (and a few years in undergrad) being constantly criticized for everything I said and thought, and I'm well aware of how that has affected how much I reveal to people. However, this is grad school, and whereas I could get by with saying one or two pertinent things in undergrad, this is seriously unacceptable now.

I do well in my (written or formal presentation) assignments, and I like what I'm studying. It's too late to make it up for this semester. I'm taking summer classes though, and I'd like to make a fresh start when classes start again in June. So, any tips for getting myself to be more confident and to speak up more? I've considered talking to a counsellor about my anxiety.

The Office 90210

I_Love_Bananas — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 19:54:12 -0800

High School 2.0 (or, as it's also known, my workplace). Help! On the surface, they seem like a regular bunch of people trying to get their work done, but in reality it's high school all over again. Some of them have been there over 10 years and have been behaving like this since then, so it's fairly well ingrained. I've only been there a year so I'm very much the outsider still.

It's very Gossip Girl. This manager is secretly dating that supervisor, and that other supervisor reads other people's email, blabs about it and posts it on his blog. And, the conversation you thought was confidential wasn't as soon as your boss went to lunch with the person you'd been complaining about.
Meanwhile your project's being sabotaged by the co-worker who's best friend is the person in the other department who requested the project, doesn't like you, and wants you off the project. And everyone knows about it but you.

They all socialize away from the office, hang out, go to movies, parties etc. too. Everyone knows everything about everyone else and "outsiders" (like me) get the cold shoulder, "accidentally" get left off meeting invitations, never get asked to lunch and all the other petty passive-agressive stuff that you thought went away 20 years ago.

The department I came from had its moments, but nothing like this. I don't trust my own boss as I have already experienced two separate occasions where he threw me under the bus in the face of those old "hidden loyalties" (he does not know I know about these incidents). So I no longer consider him any sort of ally or supporter, despite his assertions that he in "on my side." I feel very much on my own.

I am just trying to focus on doing good work. It's very hard to endure the cliquishness sometimes though. At first I thought I was imagining things but I'm not. I love my work or I'd seriously look elsewhere. How can I keep my sanity?