Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with communication

Oh, here we go again.

opossumnus — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 21:35:52 -0800

I am an ENFP. He is an ENTP. Our emotional responses while arguing lead to complete exhaustion. M'aidez! Obviously, I cannot entirely free my question of biases, but I will try to be as objective as I can:

Occasionally, my partner & I argue. Often our arguments are the result of miscommunication, so we're trying to work on that. However, our emotional responses, or lack thereof, seem to be an obstacle.

He typically shuts down when we start fighting & tries to be logical, rational, & expedient. When he does this, I feel like he's retreating emotionally & ceasing to be invested in our discussion. If (who am I kidding, when) I start crying, he'll watch me detachedly or try to prod me to continue what I was saying, regardless of my capacity for coherent speech; I end up feeling hurt and betrayed, & wonder why I'm spending so much energy on the conversation.

I, on the other hand, feel like I lose much of my ability to rationalize when I'm in a heightened emotional state; the lizard brain takes over, as it were. & I tend to get trapped inside of my emotional response instead of fighting to have a logical response. I try to be logical, but often I can't even remember what I said five seconds ago, much less remember a whole structure of cause and effect. I want to communicate on his level but continue to be undermined by my own hyperreactivity.

This nearly invariably happens. I have been working to disarm the triggers that turn a situation sour, but I would also like to have skills to cope when we're in the thick of things. In sum, I can't deal with him being cold, & he doesn't know how to relate to me. Has anyone successfully dealt with this before, or can point me to helpful resources?

Prison Correspondence

daboo — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 13:18:39 -0800

How can people in the U.S. prison system communicate with the outside world? I understand that this varies depending on the type of prison, and possibly the state, but I have found no information. I have no experience with the U.S. penitentiary system, but I understand that prisoners are allowed to write letters. Do they have to pay for postage? Are prisoners allowed to make phone calls? At what frequency? Are there any prisons allowing emails?

Similarly, what ways are available for the outside world to contact prisoners?

Any information or links regarding prisoners' means of communication with the outside world is appreciated.

Teaching an old dog new tricks...that I learned from another dog.

blackcatcuriouser — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 08:50:20 -0800

How can I teach my ex what I've learned while we were apart? My ex-boyfriend and I are in talks about getting back together. We've been broken up for a little less than a year, in what was a mutual, amicable breakup. We haven't discussed our sexual involvements with other people during the separation period (feel it's unnecessary, as long as we're both still clean - which we are.) We both know we got physical with other people while we were broken up (for various reasons that aren't important to the question) but haven't talked details, which I think we both prefer.

I had a brief fling with a guy over the summer. It was exciting while it lasted and the sex was unbelievable. He dropped some moves on me that I'd never ever seen and my body did things I didn't know it could do. (I'll spare you the salacious details but rest assured...it was good.) We would also use dirty talk in our pre-coital flirtations and it was a major turn-on. This is something I'd never done in the many years of dating my ex and is something my ex has said he's uncomfortable doing.

Summer fling guy is way out of the picture now, as it was a totally casual thing with no emotional involvement. I'm not interested in seeing him again, nor will I. I would like to work on getting back together with my ex, whom I love. Sex with the ex has always been good, but I'm worried that now that I've discovered some new, almost life-changing things that excite me, I won't feel entirely satisfied by him.

I want to reach the same sexual high with him that I did with Summerfling. I realize this probably requires a "Hey, why don't we try this?" or a "I'd love it if you did thisthing." I'd like to suggest some new things for us to do, or rather, new things for him to do to more efficiently get me off, without him feeling like I was comparing him to people I'd slept with while we were broken up. Admittedly, that's probably where my mind would go too if he started suggesting all these new things he was never into before. Added challenge: My ex and I have very different communication styles. He's very awkward about any sort of sex talk; gets kind of uncomfortable.

So how do I broach this topic with him if and when we get back together? Is it something I can gently ease him into during sex? Should it be a separate conversation?

Ye Olde Interwebs Discussion Board

cachondeo45 — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 20:29:25 -0800

I need a community board or webblog similar to this one that can accommodate multiple threads and discussions for the non-technologically savvy folks in an organization. Basically, an organization for which I serve on the advisory board currently handles all of its affairs through email. We often have three or four points of discussion open at the same time, and the emails get tangled and disorganized. But after suggesting a board or something to that effect, several people objected saying that they wouldn't check it if it were password protected; they didn't want to have to log in and remember another password. I guess I'm looking for something that's really user-friendly where people can see the posts if they have the URL but don't have to log in unless they want to post something but by the same token, the content of these communications is confidential, so I don't really want it floating around there on the web. Suggestions? And we have a limited budget (non-profit ) - we would need something cheap or free.

Also, if you can point me to any examples already out there that would serve as an example, that would be great too.

"bye guys lol"

Anonymous — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 19:41:20 -0800

How to leave a job gracefully when you can't tell your coworkers in person? I work from home for a company that's mostly in-person (all my coworkers work on the same floor, and I work in another time zone). I am giving notice as of today. I have no plans to go visit my job site between now and my exit date. I know ordinarily I'd tell my coworkers in person and that would be really tough...but since that's not an option I'm not sure how to break it to people.

Phone calls would be weird since everyone can hear everyone else's conversations from surrounding cubes, so I feel like if I called one person everyone else would know something was afoot. Emails seem cowardly. I don't want to bring it up in a meeting since that's impersonal. I know I'm overthinking this...I just really have come to care about some of these people and don't want to leave the job in a hurtful way. If you work with someone who isn't local to you, what would help you feel like that person really did feel sad not to work with you anymore? How can I convey this without some kind of near-tears monologue in a conference room?

Any advice would be great. I've never quit a job before and hadn't predicted it would be so wrenching.

Help create more frequent long-distance communication

eleanna — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 13:29:20 -0800

How can I make it easier for my boyfriend to contact me more often while we are long-distance? So, for the next 6-8 months, boyfriend and I are long distance. He is very good at communicating in person, so I'm not worried about this continuing once we're back in the same area, and I have no doubt that he cares about me, etc., but in the past, when we've been away from each other, he has been less communicative than I would like.

We've talked about it, and it's pretty clearly not an issue of wanting to. Part of it is his living situation (he lives with some good male friends and they tend to get caught up playing video games; he also has very little privacy and problems with the Internet connection extending to his bedroom) and part of it is working situation (he's currently working 2 jobs; 16 hour days). Talking on the phone has been more difficult because he has some sort of horrendous prepaid phone plan that he frequently forgets to refill (or, towards the end of the month, can't afford to).

I would like to talk 2-3 times a week; I have a more flexible schedule so when is within his control. We have been talking more like once every 2 weeks.

We are both on a low budget, me due to being in school; him due to problems finding a job that pays enough to live on. What can I do to make it easier for us to talk?

It's pretty clear after talking with him that it's not a lack of wanting to nor a sign of relationship issues; just...something that is not as easy for him as it could be. I am willing to be creative/spend a limited amount of money (because I have a limited amount) to help.

Complication: It is very important to boyfriend that he be perceived as competent and capable and he typically likes to solve everything himself, so whatever I do needs to be in such a way that it helps, rather than hurts.

Suggestions?

The girl I love bought a house I hate - now what?

xbonesgt — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 09:06:05 -0800

We're in love! That's great! She bought a house yesterday with zero input from me whatsoever! That's crappy! What does it mean, and what do I do now? This past weekend my girlfriend closed on a house. I really really dislike this house for a number of reasons, which aren't especially relevant here. But what I'm having a very hard time dealing with, and maybe this is selfish of me, is that we've been dating for a while and have both hinted that this may be it for both of us yet I was not asked for input or opinions at all during the whole process. The extent of my involvement was hearing her say to me "I found a house I like", then "I put an offer in on that house I like", and finally "hey, guess what? My offer was accepted". I didn't get a street address or a listing or any pictures, and didn't dig 'em up on my own until after her offer was accepted and I saw the address on some papers she had left out.

We had a big ol' mutual cryfest immediately after we finished moving her in last night, during which she said that she's been in love with me for a while now but couldn't say it earlier because she was afraid she'd scare me off. This was the first I'd heard of it; I'm usually pretty slow when it comes to stuff like this but I really don't think it was a case of missed signals this time. The most I'd gotten out of her before yesterday was an occasional "you're great" or "you make me really happy" while she's giving me a hug and a kiss. I've told her in the past that I'm in love with her. I didn't quite get the response I was looking for ("mm good I'm glad"), which is why I'd been hesitant to volunteer any thoughts or opinions during her homebuying process. If it's not definite that I'm going to be around, then I'm not going to try to influence her in something important like this. But now that I know how she feels about me, I'm wondering why she couldn't've told me sooner; I don't know if it's a case of relationship inexperience or if she just likes the idea of being with somebody and isn't quite ready to end things yet. As far as I know she's been honest with me about everything apart from this, if not especially open or forthcoming. When we were talking after our last minor tiff (which occurred before she found this house), one of the things I asked her to do for me was to tell me about what she was thinking; about what she's excited by and scared of and wondering about and hopeful for. Apparently she can't or won't do that.

A couple of other facts which may or may not be relevant: I'm 28, she's 24. We met about a year ago and have been dating for eight months. Neither of us have been married before, and she's only had one or two "real" relationships in the past. I'm living in an apartment with a roommate, and can't move elsewhere until at least the end of the school year; she plans to stay in this house for a minimum of five years. We both agree that we don't want to go too much longer without living together. We get along fine with each other in every way apart from this one (big?) problem I'm having.

I guess my question is, is it worth making things try to work with someone who's taking pretty important steps in her life without me? Do I eventually move in with her and suck it up for a few years in a house and neighborhood and town that I really dislike, and hope that we end up moving to someplace we're both okay with? Does she not want or need me to be around and is trying to show that by taking this thing on by herself, or is she just too oblivious or self-absorbed to communicate with someone she claims to love? Should I forget about it and just go live in a cave in Mongolia?

Hope me, MetaFilter!

the language barrier

d. z. wang — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 22:13:59 -0800

You're talking to some people about computers when you realize that somehow, they know even less than you do. How do you figure out what they need to hear? How do you phrase it clearly, simply and accurately, but not condescendingly? How do you know when you're screwing that up, and how do you recover? And conversely, when people talk to you about computers, how do you figure out what they mean even when they are using a different set of jargon from what you've learned, or incorrect jargon, or plain don't themselves know what they mean? My job frequently requires me to discuss technical topics with people of all levels of expertise. I can handle myself just fine when I'm the more ignorant one, or when we're about equals, because I just ask a lot of questions, but somehow when I know more than the other guy, things just go south.

To give a recent example, it took me at least five minutes to explain why it would be a waste of IP space to assign every computer a static IP and also reserve it a slot in the DHCP pool. Later that same day, my boss asked me to set up some arrangement that passed through a middleman server for analysis but, in case of technical difficulty, failed down to letting clients send data directly to the destination. It was honestly ten or fifteen minutes before I realized he was saying "direct pass-through" to refer to the failsafe mode where the middleman server wasn't doing any passing at all.

Springsteen doesn't have any songs for problems like mine

Spock Puppet — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 00:16:19 -0800

I've been told by several people that I kiss "like a high schooler," and that this is a bad thing. I'm a straight male in my mid-20s and relatively a n00b, sexually. What are ways for me to become more mature in my physical intimacy? I feel like I "missed out" on the learning phase of high school relationships as well as participating in the sea of debauchery that college was supposed to been. I don't want it to become a fixation, or to get resentful, but am afraid that's what's happening. It seems to be very much a turn-off to girls, and is confounding my efforts to further explore my sexuality.

So, I guess I'm asking what things you mefites find have changed about your smoochin' and cuddlin' and medium-petting styles from your teen years to now.

Also, a corollary: Are there any common, "any moron should know this" signals that someone is not enjoying the way an encounter is going? I understand the rules of consent and asking if things are OK and that "no" means "no," but I'm talking more about the subtle signals for something like "change the way you're holding me," "use less/more pressure," etc.

Doctor, Doctor, allow me to give you the news...

French Fry — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 10:53:15 -0800

I need help talking to doctors. I never know what to say and don't seem to give the right information. I would like help knowing what kinds of things I should remember to say and how I should say them. I have, over the course of my life, had many doctors and similar problems always come up.

1) I'll have a visit with a doctor and they'll discover a problem, and ask me how long it's been going on. I'll tell them that it is as long as I've been seeing them. That will of course lead to incredulous looks and questions of why I have "never brought it up before" and I honestly have no idea.

2) I'll get sick and go see the doctor. I'll get a diagnosis and prescription. Then when I don't get better I'll go back to the doctor and often it turns out that something I'll casually mention the second (or fifth) visit will instantly cue the doctor in on what's wrong and bang! problem solved.

The first problem has been helped, but not solved, by making lists of things to ask my doctor about. Otherwise I will automatically say "I'm fine"
The second problem is more of a mystery. Patients: what things do you always tell your doctor about if they come up? Doctors: what sort of things do you wish your patients kept an eye on?

Mushmouth

peachfuzz — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 08:42:42 -0800

How did you learn to express your thoughts in a way that is clear and thorough - but concise? I tend to ramble when I talk. I start out with a clear idea of what I want to say, but I end up backtracking or going off on tangents that I think help clarify or give context to my larger point. I'm often left feeling like I've only gotten my point across in a very muddy way, and I can only imagine how frustrating it must be for a listener.

If I have plenty of time to edit and reframe and reword what I'm going to say (or if the communication is happening in writing) I have no trouble - speech/presentation situations are no problem. It's more just everyday conversation at work and at home - I get bogged down correcting myself or going off in a direction I think will work better. I'm the master of the half-finished analogy. I constantly correct and fine-tune what I'm saying, as I say it, based on feedback (real or imagined) from my listener and on how it sounds to me as I say it. Basically, I talk like George Michael on Arrested Development.

Can you give me tools to: 1) figure out exactly what I want to say, quickly; 2) say it, without equivocating or qualifying or otherwise confusing things - again, quickly?

Thanks, AskMe!

Conferences with less synergy?

hijinx — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 08:25:47 -0800

Please recommend conferences dealing with leadership, management, and the like that aren't buzzword-tastic snoozefests. If they exist. The deal is that I'd definitely like to learn more about management (having been a manager for a year), improving communication skills, and leadership goodness. I've been to internal training sessions which have been invaluable thanks to practical examples and keeping light on fluff. We looked at case studies, blue ocean strategy, etc. and I liked this a lot.

I work for a medium-sized tech company, and deal primarily with the UI. I'd prefer for the conference to be in the midwest US but will look at others in the US.

For reference I've been to An Event Apart (very good, obviously more of a tech focus) and Webvisions (very good.)

Are there any such conferences? Any advice? Thanks.

Socially Awkward

Garden — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 12:02:46 -0800

Does anyone know of some good reads on conversation and social skills? I'm not suggesting that you can learn these subjects entirely by a book, but what I'm looking for is some methods to make communication a little bit easier when meeting someone or groups of people. It's rather embarassing, but I'm getting more and more uncomfortable with meeting new people as time goes by. The strange part is that when I'm around friends or family that I know, I come off as articulate, thoughtful, and at times funny.

This all disappears when I'm meeting new people. I'll either wait for someone else to say something or I'll just go completely blank.

I've seriously considered trying hypnosis for this problem as I can't stand how uncomfortable I am when I'm in these types of encounters. I don't even understand why this has become such a problem for me, but it is getting worse.

I'll ususally plan some questions for when I'm in these situations, such as checking out the news or making sure to ask people open-ended questions, but boy do I have a hard time when it comes time to do it. I'll completely forget what I had planned out and then I'll get stressed when people ask me questions.

After the encounter is over, I'll be able to think about a ton of different things I could've asked or responses I could've made.

Unfortunately, when I'm in these situations my brain seems to shut off and all that I keep thinking is remember to smile, don't talk about yourself, pay attention to the people's body language, don't be so serious.

If anyone has some suggestions on books or methods that they've used to get over this, please let me know.

Long-Distance Friendship for Introverts

Anonymous — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 11:49:20 -0800

Introvert Filter: please help me revive a friendship! I have lost contact with an old friend, for no particularly good reason--I like this friend a lot, but I just never got motivated enough to call or write. My friend sent a couple emails, and I didn't reply to them. I kept meaning to write back, but I never got around to it, and now several months have gone by and I feel really guilty about it. It's especially hard for me to write back now because of the guilt, and because I don't know how to explain why I didn't write back before. This has gone on for several months and is only getting worse.

I feel like it takes a huge amount of energy to stay in contact with people, even when I like them. The longer I wait to reply, the harder it gets, until it seems nearly impossible. Yes, I know this is beyond normal behavior even for an introvert and procrastinator, but I don't think I can explain it any better. (If it helps, I'm a little like the author of this question, but she might not make sense either.)

Another factor to consider is that even when I manage to overcome my inertia and talk to one of my far-away friends, I don't necessarily manage to do it for another. This is just because I find it easier to keep in touch with some people than with others, and because some are more understanding than others of my not communicating (which has never gotten this bad before).

(TL;DR details: I was recently visited by another friend that I do talk to, who had stopped by friend #1's workplace. Friend #1 wondered what had happened to me, and Friend #2 felt awkward for having been in contact with me when I was ignoring Friend #1. I also feel awkward about emailing Friend #1 and claiming my behavior was nothing personal, when in fact I wasn't ignoring other people.)

I really want to email my friend. Unless my friend is extremely angry at me, which I doubt, it's worth whatever unpleasantness I'll have to endure; I just want to minimize that unpleasantness as much as I can. (I already know it's my fault and I deserve it, so please don't rub it in.) What should I say? Should I try to be honest even though it won't make sense? Should I lie? (I think there are times when a white lie really is better than the truth, but what lie would work here?) If your friend emailed you after a long disappearance, what could (s)he say that would minimize your negative reaction?

One final note: please do NOT say things like "just say what you said here, because anyone who's REALLY your friend will understand." Real people aren't perfect like this, and I'm not sure I'd even want friends who are endlessly forgiving.) Thanks for reading!

Best English-language books on improving one's social and conversational skills

cotesdurhone — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 13:24:01 -0800

What are the best English-language books in existence on improving one's social and conversational skills? A good friend of mine is intelligent, nice, and pretty-- but has somewhat low self-esteem, is fairly self-conscious, and has inveterately been awkward in various social situations, especially at parties and other larger social events.

She recently started graduate school, and has been complaining to me that her social awkwardness continues, hindering her from getting to know her fellow students and making connections and friends.

Her birthday is coming up soon, and as a present I wanted to give her a collection of 3-5 books that bode to help her build self-esteem, overcome social anxiety, and improve her social and conversational skills.

I spent a long time searching Metafilter and manifold websites for suggestions on the best books that address these issues as comprehensibly as possible. I've pasted the results below.

Though there are thousands of such 'self-help' books, which made the search a bit precarious, I couldn't find any that seem particularly good. The best of the lot, for various reasons, seem at best 'just decent'-- limited, reductive.

I can't help thinking that there must be better ones, maybe written long ago and forgotten, maybe esoteric, I must be missing. Otherwise, the genre seems to be lackluster. I'm curious to hear any recommendations.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“True ease in talking comes from art, not chance, as those move easiest who have learned to dance.” - Alexander Pope

books
-- How to Win Friends & Influence People - Dale Carnegie [doesn't teach how to improve self-esteem, or why/how to be interested in others]
-- Conversationally Speaking : Tested New Ways to Increase Your Personal and Social Effectiveness by Alan Garner [mediocre to decent reviews]
-- The Art of Civilized Conversation: A Guide to Expressing Yourself With Style and Grace by Margaret Shepherd [mediocre reviews]
-- The Art of Conversation: A Guided Tour of a Neglected Pleasure by Catherine Blyth [below mediocre-to-decent reviews]
-- Messages: The Communication Skills Book & Messages Workbook - Matthew McKay
-- The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships: Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism by Temple Grandin and Sean Barron
-- COPING:A SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR PEOPLE WITH ASPERGER SYNDROME by Marc Segar -- //www-users.cs.york.ac.uk/~alistair/survival/

Other books (but probably worse than the former)
-- The Fine Art of Small Talk: How To Start a Conversation, Keep It Going, Build Networking Skillsand Leave a Positive Impression! by Debra Fine
-- How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less by Nicholas Boothman

Self-Esteem
-- Self Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning
-- The Self-Esteem Companion by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning
-- Mindfulness in Plain English by Bhante H. Gunaratana -- http://www.budsas.org/ebud/mfneng/mind0.htm [suspect]
-- Out of Your Mind by Alan Watts (audio) [suspect]

Overcoming Social Anxiety
-- The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety: A Guide to Breaking Free from Anxiety, Phobias, and Worry Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy by John P. Forsyth
-- Daily Meditations for Calming Your Anxious Mind by Jeffrey, M.D. Brantley, Wendy Millstine

SIRC Guide to Flirting/ Advanced Guide
http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.html

Edge Foundation
http://www.edge.org/q2008/q08_index.html#alda

Website devoted to improving Social Skills [seems at least okay]
http://www.succeedsocially.com/index.html
http://www.metafilter.com/69152/Succeed-Socially

"Positivity BLog" [decent, okay]
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2008/01/17/dale-carnegies-top-10-tips-for-improving-your-social-skills/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2007/11/15/how-to-improve-your-social-skills-8-tips-from-the-last-2500-years/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2007/04/10/17-inspirational-quotes-on-people-skills/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2007/09/05/7-habits-of-highly-ineffective-people/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2008/04/02/16-things-i-wish-they-had-taught-me-in-school/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2009/03/26/my-favorite-productivity-tip/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2007/07/22/five-awesome-and-five-awful-conversation-topics/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2007/06/27/5-conversational-mistakes-that-can-make-you-look-dumb/
(middling) http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2006/11/05/do-you-make-these-10-mistakes-in-a-conversation/
(middling) http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2008/09/17/do-you-make-these-7-body-language-mistakes/

Steve Pavlina Website [middling, poor]
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/09/how-to-go-from-introvert-to-extrovert/
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/09/risk-vs-reward-in-human-relationships/
http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/36993-how-do-you-socialize-when-you-really-don-t-want.html
http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/37205-unspoken-rules-social-interaction.html

For Fun
http://www.image-pro.ca/
http://www.psow.com/
http://www.perfectlypolished.com/
http://www.redhatsociety.com/

Paralysis by Analysis

Garden — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 09:48:32 -0800

Has anyone gone through a period in their life where they've just become too overanalytical and serious? I started therapy a little over a year and a half ago and it has been great. I've gained a lot of additional understanding of myself which has been helpful but at the same time I think it's actually detrimental in other ways. I've discovered a lot of positive aspects of my personality but I tend to focus on the deficiencies. I've been diagnosed as having some Asperger like traits (not the full blown Syndrome), ADHD (inattentive type), and a large amount of social anxiety. I feel stuck right now due to the fact that I don't know how to grow relationships with people that I'd like to have.

Before all the therapy, I would have described myself as an introverted, calm and empathetic individual. I struggled socially, but I always seemed to get by. I've always had a handful of friends to hang out with and that seemed sufficient for me (quality over quantity). The problems with these friendships is that most of my friends are now married and they're on a different course in life right now while I'm single and I need to find friends with similar interests that are single.

The problem with the therapy is that I'm so focused on all of my weak areas. I'd love to become a social butterfly, but I don't think that it's a realistic goal. I've read several books on conversational skills and social anxiety and they are interesting but I have a hard time implementing them into my life. I get into conversations and I am polite, I listen well, I ask people all sorts of questions about themselves, but it lacks the fun factor that I used to have in conversations. I don't know how to explain it, it just seems like I'm following too much of a script and it lacks spontaneity.

Does anyone struggle with this in conversations? I find myself thinking all the time what should I say? Sometimes my mind just goes blank and other times I just beat myself up. The weirdest part is that when I'm with friends or family I'm fine with the conversation. I can talk about anything with them. When it comes to meeting new people or people that I know only a little, I really struggle.

The other aspect of myself which has changed for the worse is that I'm pretty serious all the time and I hardly laugh anymore. I'll laugh if other people are laughing at something but it's not really heartfelt. I've asked my therapist about this and he says that once I relax and start enjoying myself that laughter will return and that I'll be less serious as well. I don't know, I feel stuck right now. I'm doing the things that I need to do, but I'm struggling with them.

I just think too much these days. I sit there and analyze everything and start reading about whatever I'm thinking about. For example I'll start reading about mindblindness as it relates to Aspergers Syndrome or theory of mind. Anything that I think about psychologically, I'm reading it.

I'd love to start some new hobbies, but I'm not even sure what would be a good hobby to start as my only goal in doing a hobby is having a shared interest with other people so as to facilitate better friendships.

If anyone has any advice about these issues or of some other time in their life when they've experienced similar issues, please let me know. It would be reassuring to know that I'm probably just going through a stage.

Executive Anthropology

Anonymous — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 12:53:46 -0800

How do you communicate effectively with Executive level people? Throughout my career (software) I've struggled with successfully communicating with executive types. They, (for reasons I can sympathize with), always have to put a positive spin on things and will de-accentuate the negative. While I can see the necessity of this for political reasons, it leads to situations where you're never quite sure if an executive is telling you something needs to be fixed, or if something can slide.

So, assuming you're interested in seeing your projects succeed, how do you parse the language of your managers and executive to find out what they really expect of you?

If your answer involves the phrase "talk to HR", please talk to /dev/null. I'm interested in clearing up communication channels such that the need to involve HR is removed.

Six Elephants and a Blind Man

alms — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 18:47:15 -0800

Is there a fable or proverb that expresses the inverse of the blind men and the elephant? In the famous fable, six blind men each think the elephant is something different. They do not realize that they are all talking about the same thing.

I want a fable or proverb that expresses the inverse: several people think they are talking about the same thing, but ultimately find that they are talking about completely different things.

I've experienced this most often as "the six programmers and the underspecified project." Each one thinks they are working on the same thing. They talk about it; it all makes sense; everyone is sure they are in sync; they are happily programming away.

How does it end? If they're lucky, eventually someone writes up a detailed spec, at which point everyone else says, "whoa, that's not what I'm working on." But then they go on to work out their differences and refine the spec. If they're not lucky... well, you can imagine.

I've also seen this situation arise as "six negotiators and an agreement," where the moment of truth comes in the form of a draft contract.

So. Is there any succinct expression of this pattern in Western culture? I'd love to be able to refer to it with a half dozen words, rather than three paragraphs that won't make sense to many people.

How to pass crash course in roommate communication

Keysig — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 12:18:43 -0800

How can I ask my roomate to discuss her frustrations with me directly, instead of telling everyone but me? My roommate, “Regina," and I are both females in our late twenties, and I moved in only a few weeks ago. I am not super great at making conversation, but try to be friendly, keep up with housekeeping, and not offend anyone with my living habits. Regina alternates between caring and not.

The situation worsened when Regina had her friends over, when her extremely outgoing friend pestered me to hang out with them. Her friend kept asking me about my family background, and other random “what’s your favorite ___” questions.

With previous roommates, I’ve tried to respect their space so I wouldn’t get on their nerves, only to have their friends loudly say, “Is that the hermit?” So I thought this might be a good way to start off.

Regina didn’t think so, and as soon as they left, got on the phone to discuss how awkward I was, and how she can’t stand me, while we were still in the same room. Apparently, I’m not doing enough housecleaning, either.

I want to make this great apartment location work out, and I am too busy to focus on finding someplace new, so it would be great if we could at least keep it civil for a while.

So my question is, do I have the right to tell her this is not okay, that this made me uncomfortable, and I would like her to stop? I'm unsure about this because it is her home too, so she can say whatever she likes in it, but I think she should tell me if she has a problem. Or must I suck it up and try to not mind?

I also need to let her know I'm tone-deaf when it comes to reading people, so I don't know what I'm doing wrong unless she tells me. As much as I know that is truly the issue for me, that conversation is always uncomfortable, so I'm not looking forward to it. What is a minimally painful way to say I am not-a-people-person, and therefore can not read her mind?

I am dreading having to face Regina & Co., even in passing, again--any other advice for dealing with losing face and moving on?

Thanks!

Long Distance Love Affair

Anonymous — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 00:10:55 -0800

several years ago I met a man and we had a brief relationship. We've maintained a friendship through other relationships. We have both always been honest about our attraction to each other but live a few hours drive away from each other. Recently my circumstances changed and as it happens we are both available. We both are interested in seeing each other and he said he'd be willing to move as an eventuality if things work out. As it stands with our jobs it works out so that technically we could see one another twice a month if we wanted to. I have a few questions for the hive, what are ways people in a long distance relationship can stay close, Has anyone out there had a successful transition after moving in together, and has anyone not tried and regretted it? We've both been hurt and we have an amazing friendship. He as always been more open to a relationship than I have. I feel I'm a realist he feels like I'm afraid to take a chance. It is true I am uncomfortable with losing control and our relationship is very intense. I have to be honest and say that I have always loved him but I'm afraid one of us will get hurt.

Help me deal with my mentally ill father, who I still need to talk to.

Anonymous — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 13:27:56 -0800

How should I go about handling my (very) mentally ill father who goes through (primarily) emotionally/psychologically abusive phases with anyone he holds a relationship with? Completely cutting off contact is probably not a solution for a few reasons. Sorry for a long post, but...

History: My father is mentally ill, diagnosed as having a number of issues. He does not properly take his medication, and I'm not even sure that he bothers taking it at all, any more. It shows. I have been out of my (now divorced) parents' household for many years, but he calls me frequently--once a week--and tries desperately to keep tabs on what I'm doing, where I'm going, etc. as he likes to try to gain control over people, so he can manipulate situations. It's a taxing relationship that would normally not be worth having, other than there are some issues at hand with cutting all ties. That's where I'm hoping to get some advice.

I thankfully haven't seen my father in about two years, but he's called me and known where I lived, which wasn't an easy place for him to travel to...intentionally. About a month ago, I began a big move, selling a bunch of my stuff with the idea of starting afresh and getting better stuff. I've graduated college, so it is a bit of a new life.

Before leaving where I was, I told my father that I was in the process of moving, but was going to drive around and find a place before settling down, which I have done; I said I'd have trouble getting in touch with him, as I'd be busy, which was/is true. I've only just gotten into a place over the past week. (Maybe it's worth noting that the place is much closer--several hours' drive--and more accessible to him now, which is a slight concern.) My father's been going crazy, though--no puns intended--as he only had my last landline number, so he hasn't been able to speak to me or keep up with what I'm doing. I emailed him a couple of weeks ago, but that wasn't enough, and now he's sending me emails saying I haven't gotten in touch with him for three months. That may be one of his occasional delusions, and I have no way of calculating whether he's reacting angrily or otherwise to it all. Overall, this isn't my problem.

My problem is that...well, really my problem is just that he's crazy, and I'm not (no more so than most!), and there's not really anything either of us can do about it, particularly if he's not going to take his medication and/or consistently go to therapy. When he calls me, he wants to act like he's never treated me badly. He wants to be all buddy-buddy, as if I've never had to keep him, a very large man, from chasing my mother; as if I've never had to call the cops on him; as if he's never verbally disowned me or threatened me to my face in one of his fits. Despite all this, I would still be more than happy to keep a distant relationship with him, where we send cards at holidays and we speak over the phone a couple of times a year. Being mentally ill, though, and pretty damn unapologetic, he can't seem to understand any of this, and he'd even somehow be offended if I tried (yet again) to get him to understand it.

Core Question: With all of this baggage and the issues that still exist, his latest email accusing me of not talking to him for three months (again, untrue) and the fact that he doesn't know where I am / doesn't have an easy means of contacting me leaves me wondering how I should handle it. I have options, but I'm just not sure which I should choose. Should I just cut ties? Should I tell him where I am? Should I give him my phone number? Should I see him again? Is it safe for me to? And on and on and on. I drive myself batty dealing with this.

"So, why are you still in touch with him at all? Why would you even consider it?" you might ask. There are three primary reasons:

1. This is the biggest reason, and it is a material one, but one I care deeply about, nonetheless. There is a lot of land somewhere that, as his only child, will go to me, unless he outright denies me from having it in his will. Some of that land is already in my name, but only a very small portion of it. I want it all, when he finally keels over from all his bad decisions, as morbid and vulturistic as that sounds. I grew up on that land some, and it means a lot to me. I am concerned that cutting contact with him would mean I would never see all of it again. On a lesser note, where he lives is where my parents lived for a long time; it is also the place my mother fled from, finally, a few years ago. A lot of my childhood keepsakes, that I desperately want, are locked up in that home with him.

2. He gets frantic and does some wild things that might affect my life. My father has been known to wiretap, hide recorders, hire private investigators, etc. He currently doesn't know where I am, but if he ever got into the frame of mind where he wanted to know, he could actually easily find out. He would even know if he looked on my Twitter account, but he's too lazy. He loves spending money, though, so if he decided he wanted to track me down, I'm sure he'd hire someone. Doing things like that seem to give him a feeling of importance. Clearly, for my own sanity, I don't want to be tracked down! It seems that minimal, but existing contact is the only way to eliminate this possibility.

3. One of the few ways my father has always tried to "apologize" to both my mother and myself is by spending money. He paid for my college tuition, and a very small part of me is a little bit afraid that if I piss him off, he'll try to come back some sort of way and get that money from me. He'd not have much on his side, as I've got emails from him which don't state I have to repay anything, but I don't want to go through the hassle or heartache of any of that. My father is "lawyer-and-sue happy," so this is a possible scenario, even if small.

So, yes, hopefully you see why I'm hesitant to completely cut ties. I feel like both material/financial and emotional things are at stake here.

Two final things:

Please note that "talk to a therapist" is not the answer I'm looking for, so I'd appreciate it if no one went that route. I have spoken to therapists and guidance counselors in the past, as recently as this year. They all recommend I distance myself from my father, if not completely cut ties. This is good advice, but it doesn't take into account some of the things I have at stake here, which counselors always seem to overlook for some reason. That being said, therapy to help me process all this crap probably is in order, and I'll see to that at some point, when I've got time and a steadier income.

The law is not on my side, really, other than in emergencies, so you shouldn't assume that it is. Restraining orders do little good, other than to rile up the mentally ill party, and it is incredibly difficult to institutionalize someone, even when they have emotionally and even physically abused people. Most of the time you can only get someone locked up for a few weeks; my father has been locked up for that amount of time in the past, only to be released, because of legal reasons concerning how long mental health patients can be kept under certain circumstances. I'm probably not looking for a way to deal with all this, law wise, but if you know of something I don't, I'd appreciate your sharing it.

I hope someone can help me figure out how to communicate with him, but still stay safe and get what I want in the end. Thanks, everyone.

Mobile phone with dual SIM, wifi and SIP protocol support

fifigyuri — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 15:00:24 -0800

Do you know mobile producers which provide dual SIM mobiles with wifi supporting SIP protocol? I pendle between two countries, so decreasing my communication bills with a piece of convenience is welcome. Under convenience I mean having one instrument for talking, instead of several ones or one, where I change SIM cards. My vision is to have a mobile which can have two SIM cards, has the ability to access network through wifi.. so when I get home it can automatically identify that it sees a familiar network, it connects and puts me to VOIP provider through SIP. No need to change cards, and at home it is possible to call for less.

The mobile operators does not have the interest to provide offers for such machines, but I found some quite interesting producers: http://dual-com.sk/, http://www.dualsimmobileshop.co.uk/wifi-dual-sim-phones-c-25.html?zenid=hjrd6nfucmd61rl484f6kv3cv3 .

It seems there similar things out there. Do you have hints for other ones? Can you recommend good ones? Other things like the camera, 3G support, OS are also interesting, would be good to have wider spectrum to choose from. But the most important is to have 2 SIM support with wifi and have to know SIP protocol..

Leadership/Communication Books

MorningPerson — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 12:49:07 -0800

Can you recommend a good book about leadership and/or communication skills? Everyone where I work is required to participate in some kind of professional development activity each evaluation cycle. I've worked at my current job a long time, so I've already attended all the workshops and seminars they offer in-house. We don't have money to go away for training. So, it was suggested that read a book to fulfill this requirement.

Does anyone have suggestions for interesting, beneficial books about leadership and/or communication skills?

best book for a new kitten

amtho — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 20:51:01 -0800

Looking for the perfect book to give people who adopt our foster kittens. Hoping for one which will lead to a fabulous relationship and rich life for both the people and the kittens. We have three awesome foster kittens. I'm finding that I care a whole lot about how they will be treated after they are adopted into a permanent home. Please help me find the perfect book to send home with them!

One in particular is very sensitive and wouldn't do well if someone tried to discipline him the way my family would have when I was growing up -- spanking, yelling "no" at him, that kind of thing -- although he's very observant and seems to care more about pleasing people than the other two. Though he's a little shy, he's intelligent and finally starting to blossom, but the slightest expression of displeasure has him hiding and ducking his head.

Of course I'll be careful to try to match kitten personality with adopter personality, but there's only so much one can do. I've had some basic behaviorism/psychology education, but is there a nice readable book that will do this for a new kitten owner?

I remember a book called "No Bad Dogs" from way back in the 1970s (more about "problem" dogs than training puppies). Even though the basic ideas of listening to the animal, looking at the world from its point of view are now pretty widespread, I've not heard any really good things about kitten guides.

Can anyone recommend a book that would help a new kitten owner really tune into and bond with, and prevent problems with, an adopted kitten (probably 12 weeks or older)? Bonus if it includes how to work with them on training (fetch, other commands), since that kind of activity can really increase closeness and cat-happiness in many cats.

Information about things like kitten-proofing a house and selecting food would be nice, also, but I'm mainly interested in behavioral information.

A quick look around Google and Amazon showed some titles that were related to one area or another, but not "Here, read this and you'll be on your way to being a superb friend to your new kitten".

Phone communication and keeping it off the books

Anonymous — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 09:55:00 -0800

I and another person need to communicate with each other via phone and text in a manner that does not appear on our regular phone bills, how do we accomplish this? We are on opposite coasts in the US. One of us is on Tmobile, the other is on AT&T. What methods can we use to call and text each other so that our respective phone numbers do not show up on the monthly phone bill? Do we need to move to a different service? Do we need to get new phones on an account different from our current ones? Has anyone used pay as you go phones? How do they work, are they billed to your credit card or do you buy calling minutes? If you buy calling minutes via the cards available in stores and use your current phone with them, will the numbers show up on your bill?

We're clueless as to your options, so any help or tips would be appreciated.