Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with communication

I have no social skills, and no self confidence. I need to do something.

anawesomeguy — Fri, 24 May 2013 10:17:30 -0800

I'm 30 years old, and am basically incapable of functioning in social settings. Can't make conversation. It's long since gone past awkward. It's embarrassing. I need to change. I don't know how. I'm not sure how to post this in a short, coherent, and understandable story. There are so many random details, but I'll try:

I'm a 30 year old guy, and my social skills and communication skills are not what they should be. Now. I guess there are two parts: social skills, and my lack of self confidence. So first, social skills: I do have some good friends. But I struggle to make friends. I struggle to talk to people. I struggle to hold conversations with people I do know. I get along with most people. But I REALLY struggle to take things past surface acquaintances and form real friendships.

Here is my key issue (I believe): I just never have anything to say to people. Or know what to say. Or how to make conversation. Partly, I wonder if it is because I have a bad memory. Somewhere, years ago... I feel like I just lost the ability to think. And I feel like there isn't a lot going on in my head anymore.

Here are some examples: I just moved to go back to University. I get along fine with everyone in my class. However, like I say - it's all just surface stuff. Most of them have made really good friends with a few people in the class, and they go out and do stuff together; but not me. They're happy to talk to me there, but I never know how to take it further.

I have a tendancy to show up to things... and just sort of stand around on my own because I don't know how to make conversation. I can say hi. I can say how is it going. How did you go on that test. But other than that... I really, really, struggle. So often, we all show up for a class... we'll be waiting around together, people talking... and I'll be standing aloof in a corner. I can approach people; but for the most part I don't have anything to say or to ask... so I can't.

Another example: get togethers with people. Say, christmas time with the family: I just sit there, and say nothing. Because I don't know what to say. I don't have anything to contriute to most conversations. I don't know how to start them. I don't know how to join in on them.

I don't know how to joke around with people.

I live on campus at Uni... and I stop and have chats and stuff with the people I'm sharing with; but I often struggle to maintain the conversation.

One really awkward thing is that if I do ever manage to spend time with a person... it falls really flat. I don't have anything to say. Driving in my car... I'll sit there in silence, feeling awkward, because I have nothing to say.

I've noticed this and it's a key problem I have: other people usually make the conversation, and topics, and I respond. It's the same with good friends, close family members. I can't make communication. It's like... I speak if spoken to. Otherwise... I don't know what to say. Like... LITERALLY THERE IS NOTHING IN MY HEAD. NOTHING.

I used to have to go to work conferences and they were the worst. I'd end up standing there on my own.

I've noticed it may be a group things. If I am with a few friends I am close with, I can sit around and talk and laugh (though still less so than the others) but as soon as there are more than a few there... I just completely close up.

I also am developing an alcohol problem. Because after a few drinks, I can talk anyones ear off. And I wish I was like that all the time. It's amazing. I make friends with so many people when I've been drinking. I'm funny, I'm engaging, I'm confident, they like me, they respond to me.

Then when I'm sober... I'm this meek, self conscious guy that has nothing to say.

I don't know if this is all related to self confidence - because I used to have self confidence, say 10 years ago, but I still had poor social skills then. But if I think back... I remember when I was in school, I used to always get in trouble for talking too much in class. Now... in class, I sit there in silence... wishing I could make conversation with the person next to me... but I have nothing to offer.

I could go on and on, but onto the self confidence thing: I have basically, none whatsoever. I always think, "Why would that person care what I think" "Why would that person care what I have to say" "Why would that person care who I am". I don't think I'm capable of anything, I don't think anyone likes me, I can't think of any reason why they should, I don't think I have any charisma or personality that people would like, I don't feel like I have any use that can contribute to anything or anyone.

I basically feel like I'm nothing.

Sometimes I feel like if I had self confidence (ie, I'm a superstar when I get drunk) things might be different; but I think I used to have self confidence and I still couldn't make conversation.

It's also a phone thing as well. I literally cannot make conversations on phones. And I should because I moved away for University. But say, if called my brother who I love so much... I have nothing to say to him. "Hows things?" "Hows school?" "Cool".

And I wonder... if its because my memory is so bad? I never recall stories or anecdotes to tell people or to share, or to contribute to conversations .

I just don't know. But I do know that I'm sick of being in social situations where I stand around on my own looking like an idiot; or say a few boring, uninspired words to the people around, then nothing else. Sometimes I put off catching up with people I've met that are willing to catch up with me again, because I know I'm going to sit around in awkward silence and not say much anyway.

I really don't know what to do or where to start. Help, please?

Nice (girls) finish last

DayTripper — Thu, 23 May 2013 20:25:51 -0800

Help me be assertive/direct without being hostile/aggressive. Also, help me muddle through some other communication issues. Finally: can a person be nice to others without being taken advantage of? Increasingly, I find myself pondering the quote "Don't mistake my kindness for weakness." And I feel like it applies to me directly. I do have codependent tendencies from growing up around addiction, so my lines are a little blurred as to what classifies as being nice versus being a doormat. I feel like I always go out of my way for people, yet find myself feeling under-appreciated a LOT. I also find that people are not exactly eager to return favors: I always cover for people at work, for example, but when I need to take a day off, no one has my back. I was promised a raise months ago, but it was never brought up again and I haven't had the balls to say anything about it. *THIS* is what I mean when I say communication issues. I let things fester and grow under the surface while keeping a smile on my face and a pleasant demeanor. I'll be passive-aggressive as a result of this, and eventually, if it gets bad enough, I'll completely blow up or avoid the person/situation altogether (i.e., I stopped showing up to a volunteer position because my supervisor was wretched to me and I never had the courage to stand up for myself).

I had one episode of blowing up at my nasty manager when she cornered me with some very confrontational statements about petty things. I cried and told her about all the unethical BS going on at the (dental) office that I didn't agree with, I mentioned my pseudo-raise that never came into fruition, said I felt unappreciated-- basically I lashed out. While this was a terrible way to have had this conversation, I felt relieved that everything was out on the table. However, nothing changed. I still feel like I'm being bullied by her at work. So, if I were to have another conversation, how could I define some sort of boundary/ultimatum? Without tearfully saying "if you don't stop picking on me and give me my raise I QUIT!" What is a middle-of-the-road consequence I could give? Also, the bullying is not imagined by me. She has a very dominant, aggressive personality and is very unprofessional in her dealings with the staff (I'm not the only one who feels this way, but I think I do take it very personally). Her personality type is like kryptonite to my feeble, pushover one. I feel like I'm a target of prey in her eyes.

Anyway...

Another of my major issues my inability to say no. Yes is my automatic response when people ask me to do things. This ends up getting me in trouble when I bite off more than I can chew and end up having to flake out on responsibilities last minute because I am overwhelmed with my own agenda. Ultimately, this causes everyone much more headache than if I had just said no to begin with-- I KNOW THIS RATIONALLY, but I cannot seem to implement it when I'm asked for something! I feel like a mean and selfish person when I say no to people. I think maybe I overestimate how much of an impact my response will have on their lives.

I know that people DO think of me as a kind and gentle person, which I like about myself, because I really do care about people. I just wish I could retain those qualities while also putting myself first and not feeling guilty when I can't honor someone's wishes. People seem to see kindness as a free pass to treat someone however they want, ask for favors, etc. Or is it me? Is it entirely an issue of boundaries?

-How can I be assertive and better at communicating my needs, without getting hotheaded and saying rash things in the heat of the moment?

-How can I say no to people? The irony is that I am able to say no to my friends when they invite me to do things that I actually enjoy if I have errands or something, but I can't say no to people who have "authority" over me or who ask me for something that only benefits them.

-How do I set healthy boundaries for myself? How do I gauge whether I can realistically take something on versus politely decline?

Finally, is it possible to be nice without having people walk all over you? Is it one of those give-and-takes, like if you're aggressive you get what you want but people are scared of you and don't really like you, and if you're nice you don't get what you want but people like you?

Specific examples would be great. I'm also into self-help books. And I'm already in therapy, but if you have any exercises that I could work through with my therapist that have been helpful for you or anyone that'd be great too. Thanks in advance for your replies!

that talk

Anonymous — Sat, 04 May 2013 14:33:38 -0800

I've got herpes. There's a 99% chance he gave it to me. How best to tell him? So. yeah. Too much to drink + no condom = incurable disease. I had unprotected sex 8 days ago, saw a doc four days ago and found out today I tested positive for herpes. I've never had an outbreak before so I want to tell the dude he should get himself tested.

Complications:

We don't really know each other that well (as these things often go). Thanks to some fairly intense Internet stalking, I managed to wrangle his email.

I would like to email him to discuss in person but I also want to respect the fact that he may prefer not to have that kind of sit down conversation (we're both early 20s). FWIW I am pretty okay/calm with this news and I've done my research so I'd partly like to discuss in person so he doesn't freak out or feel like a social pariah.

I'm thinking something along the lines of "hey, I need to talk to you about something and I'd prefer to do it in person but I can email you/call if you'd like."If you have been in this situation, either delivering the news or receiving it, how would you phrase this email? I also worry about sharing mine/his medical history via email--legit concern? There's not really a good way to do this but what is the least awful?

talking about gender in short term dating relationship

The Noble Goofy Elk — Sat, 04 May 2013 09:23:36 -0800

Any advice on how to discuss emotionally loaded social issues without pushing buttons? I met a guy on an online dating site a couple months ago and we've been pretty tight since then. He is mid thirties, I am early 40's, woman. He is moving away from this area at the end of the summer, so we agreed from the outset that we would just have a good summer together.

He is mostly on the same page as I am politically, but there are wide gaps in our social beliefs. Most of these we have filed as "problem we don't need to fix" because he's leaving and this isn't a long term thing. This works spectacularly well for things like hunting, but things like gender dynamics are maybe too close to home for this principle to serve.

I understand that he was raised in an abusive family (his characterization, not mine) and that he has had little contact with anyone who is ethnically dissimilar to himself. His go-to reaction to many things is "white males are victimized by society." Things that have, objectively, nothing to do with race or gender, he sees through this lens. An example: the meme of a diver with a shark, where the caption read something like "here we see the most ruthless predator on Earth, beside it a Great White Shark swims peacefully." He presented this picture to me as evidence of a woman on Facebook "hating white men". It struck me as deeply paranoid and weird, and I explained that it's a comment on humanity being more dangerous to an ecosystem than the predator animals we demonize, blah, blah, blah. He doesn't see it that way and said that "they use the word 'white,'" I thought that was, frankly, batshit insane, since the word "white" is part of the name of the species in the photo. But he has stuck to his interpretation, that the word was used to make "white males" feel bad.

He had a rough day yesterday and last night came over for dinner while he was having what he called anger about an article in the NYT on gender ratios and study habits among undergrads. He had sent me the link earlier, and asked if I'd read it. I said I had and that, while I wasn't super impressed with the article, I didn’t think it was something we should talk about because we likely had strong disagreements. Again, trying to shove this into the "problems we don't need to solve" file. But talk about it we did. He ended up leaving because he said he was too mad to stay.

I feel like we need to find a way of talking about this kind of thing without pushing each others' buttons, but I have no idea what that way might look like.
My feminism includes the idea that patriarchy hurts everyone in society; I am angry about how men are portrayed in cold medicine commercials too. However, I am very uneasy with war of the sexes terminology, and with the idea that men and women are two different kinds of things.

Any ideas or advice on how we could best accomplish a balance of supportiveness and avoidance of topic for the rest of the summer? Anything that has worked for other people in similar close quarters at odds scenarios?

Help me tell my BFF to shut up, in the nicest of ways.

ElectricGoat — Sun, 28 Apr 2013 13:38:02 -0800

My best friend is dating a new guy and is currently in the "floating in the clouds" stage. He's all that she talks about, texts me about, emails me about, mentions, quotes, you name it. I'm happy for her, but I am quickly reaching "who cares" stage. She does this with everyone she dates, but this guy might become permanent, so I'm not brushing it off as "just wait until this passes". How can I politely tell her that we need to have conversations about OTHER THINGS? She can be very sensitive, and I don't want her to feel that I am not interested in the relationship or not happy for her. More details inside. Hi guys!

So as described above, my very best and closest girlfriend is dating a new guy. She is nearly 30 and has had a somewhat stunted adulthood, with life experiences and emotional intelligence closer to early-20s. He is 21 or 22 (I forget) and...behaves like an unemployed 21 or 22 year old hipster guy, which he is. The "faux-southern-redneck" sort, not the "going to fashiony dj parties" sort, if it matters. We all live in the suburbs between two large cities.

My girl and I have a sisterlike friendship of 12 years. We have weathered a LOT together and I have no desire or need to cut her off, slowly fade away, or what have you. Our friendship is not currently under threat from him. I like new boyfriend- he is nice, and has a sort of good time party guy vibe that can be fun. He is a friend of one of her recent exes, and they've been seeing each other for about a month, all day every day. She had a crush on him from afar long before they started spending private time together outside of that friend group. He's mature enough, but I wouldn't say "mature for his age" or "older than his age". Young guy is a young guy through and through. He's the youngest friend that either of us has. The age difference doesn't bother me per se, but sometimes it's glaringly obvious.

Girl is HEAD OVER HEELS, and I am glad for her that she is so into someone- the last few exes have been complete duds, and she deserves to feel this way, I feel she's practically earned it. New guy loves her. I'm not concerned that he is "bad for her" or is going to hurt her. Everyone's happy. I'm having two issues with the situation that are more about me than them, so I guess I really have two questions.

I don't care that much to hear about him constantly. Multiple-times-daily scenario: she will text me something that he said that she found hilarious, or share a photo of him being goofy, or whathave you...and I feel there is a silent expectation for me to agree with her that yes, that was hilarious, and yes, he is dreamy...when I often don't think that the thing being shared was all that funny or interesting or dreamy. When I don't reply to these little notes, she asks if I am mad at her. In person, I obviously have to feign more interest. He can be funny, but is not all that funny to me personally. He has interests and hobbies and things which she tells me about (he likes this, he likes that), but they're sort of all off the "Vice Mag Urban Outfitters Coolness in Your Early 20s" checklist, generic enough to be uninteresting to me, so hearing about those things isn't any better than "he said ___ today". He is the ONLY thing she is capable of talking about at the moment. At first I figured "ok, honeymoon phase, she is just excited to share" and let it slide, but now it's so frequent as to become annoying, and I feel like I am sometimes being dishonest when I reply. Mostly, though, I am just REALLY, REALLY ANNOYED. I've gotten multiple texts about him in the time it took to write this Ask. Not kidding.

--

So, questions:

1. How can I politely ask her to change the subject (when I organically change the subject in conversation, or talk about my own love life, she swings it right back to him regardless of lead), or at very least, nicely reply in a way as to seem to be in just-enough agreement without abjectly bullshitting? I don't want to be constantly pretending that new bf is the coolest thing on the planet when I am largely "whatever" about his details...and I miss having rounded conversations about other topics in her/our lives. She can be very sensitive, as I said above, and I sometimes have to choose words very carefully. A forward of "I'm so happy for you, but girl..." doesn't always work with her, as she will still only hear the negative. I am thisclose to just telling her to shut the fuck up the next time he is mentioned, and I don't want to do that to my friend. Help me with a script!

Bonus for #2: Why (WHY) is she doing this? It happens with everyone she dates, and I'm somewhat used to it, but this new one has been especially over the top. I tend not to talk much about people I'm seeing unless it gets very serious, so I don't personally understand or have the need that some do to be constantly blurting this stuff. Is it for approval? I totally approve, I am just not enthralled with him. Is it over-excitement at snagging that crush?

Bonus Bonus: How do you deal with just not giving a crap about (someone close to you)'s significant other one way or the other? I'm half-jokingly concerned that there is going to be some sort of shotgun wedding/elopement this summer if things keep ramping up, and if he is in my life for keeps, I'd like some tips for gritting my teeth, as I'm not going anywhere. Yes, he might grow on me, and I might not need your tips, but do share them anyway.

---

Some other things to note:

1. I am currently seeing several people, one of whom I am over the moon about myself, so I'm not jealous of her relationship joy. I gush about boys too once in a while, but that's somewhat out of character for me. Please don't suggest that I may be jealous.

2. We still see and talk to each other just as much as before she was dating him, so this is not an instance of "she is spending all of her time with her boyfriend abloobloo I want my friend back".

3. I already know what makes him special to her (as I am told it constantly), so I don't need the suggestion of "maybe if you spend time with him, you will grow to think he's special too". I've spent a lot of time with him thus far, I've just been unable to form an opinion past "nice young guy who has not yet broken out of the mold and formed a solid personality".

4. He thinks that I am just as awesome as she is. It's not mutual. He doesn't know, because I am somewhat good at short-term social bullshittery.

Mars and Venus - are you for real?

tenaciousmoon — Wed, 17 Apr 2013 21:35:14 -0800

Do men and women really have distinctly different communication styles. For those of you who are in healthy relationships (romantic love or platonic), is there a wedge in communication that you constantly have to go against your natural instincts and fine-tune in a way that you don't have to with same-sex friends? Is the stereotype true, do women need to 'talk it out' and men need to 'go to their cave'? Can women really improve the relationship by NOT talking about it and can men really improve the relationship by practicing reflective listening? Is there really a pre-programmed way to communicate based on your gender? Something in this widely-spread viewpoint really rubs me the wrong way, and I'm not sure if the cultural/societal views(at least in my area) regarding men/women relationships are in fact, entirely valid and its just my own personal issues that need work. What are your experiences?

Town wide family listserve/activity calender suggestion?

alball — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 08:14:31 -0800

We currently have a number of different list serves, google groups, yahoo groups, and meetup groups in our town, all involving family activities and community events. The different groups cover different neighborhoods, and there is a lot of overlap. I am wondering if there is some kind of service or tool that could be an giant umbrella for all of our groups, with subgroups according to interest, age of kids, neighborhoods, schools etc. I am wondering if some kind of tag based system exists that we could use, maybe age tags, neighborhood tags, school tags, activity tags.... this tag granularity could determines the hierarchy in which one receives posts, so that posts near me for activities which match my kids age would have higher importance than other posts.

It would be nice if it was free, or inexpensive, and easy to administer.

A calendar view would be great along with discussion board type viewing.

thoughts?

Why am I doubting my relationship all of a sudden?

Chelsaroo650 — Tue, 09 Apr 2013 08:37:38 -0800

I have been dating my boyfriend for 10 months. At 9 months he finally said he loved me, but I don't know if I really feel the love from him. Out of nowhere I'm having strong doubts. What should I do about them? Is this normal? I'm 21, he's 25 and things have been kind of questionable from his side the whole time we have been dating. He was the guy I posted about who told me to go home once when we initially started dating. He doesn't act like that anymore, things have changed considerably, but some things remain about the same.

It took 4 months before he started to want to see me more, and I didn't know if it was truly a viable relationship with how he was acting. He did change some, invited me over, we started to have a lot more fun together. Yet he didn't always contact me much besides two or three texts or a late phone call every now and then.

In fact, once we reached the 6 month mark and beyond up until the 9 month love confession, I couldn't tell if he was in love. My thought process went like this "I love him, does he love me? Are we in love with each other?" I didn't know if I felt it from him.

He told me on Valentine's Day, which was sweet but I was upset he wasn't compelled to tell me a couple months before. He then seemed to treat saying "I love you" like something you say and then get over with. He wasn't saying it when we left each other, after we slept together, just not much at all. The day after he said it I said I loved him in a text and he said "lubb you." Now we can be silly, but it just didn't seem right.

He does show his love in other ways; practical ways. Getting me something useful around the house, cleaning things for me, cooking for me, giving me gas money if he worries I might not have enough. He's like that because of caring for his mother and sister, I'm quite sure. There is no father figure in his family.

I do remember one night when we left his sister's and he said goodnight, and that he loved her... And i was overwhelmed with... Why can't you say that to me?!

We do get along well, laugh a lot, like a lot of the same things. Yet I have doubts about the validity of it all. I haven't wanted sex, partially because it's routine and partially because I don't feel loved in the end. The words don't come.

I also have another issue, and maybe I'm just crazy, but our relationship is not on facebook. Not even that we are in one. My friends have pictures, they're getting married, moving in together... And I can't even get my boyfriend to post our status. He says he wants his privacy and that everyone already knows we're together. Yet it still bugs me. Like it will be easy for him to walk away because I haven't left my mark.

He also has trouble with making me a priority or including me. I work a lot, but when I had three evenings off in a row... He went to see his mom the one night, his friends the next, and promised me he would drive out to my parents' house to see me. He always has an excuse, and this time was no different; "I'm kinda tired, think I might need to stay home and relax today." I was miffed. He ended up coming out, but purely out of guilt. Granted we do see each other 3 to 4 times a week, I always pack up and come over. But don't feel the same desire from him.

I told him I felt like the last person on the list and that he doesn't come through for me. I know he cares for his mother and everything... But I can still make time to see him with my crazy schedule. I do love him, but don't always feel loved. I don't know what the future holds. I did have a talk with him about needing him to say i love you more, making me a priority, and about the future. He said he hadn't thought very far, that he's not ready to be on his own with someone, and that marriage wasn't an option yet. I am not wanting to be married, but i would at least have liked to speak of moving in or getting engaged... Which he hasn't.

He's been trying to get me to move in with his sister who lives alone. She's kind of difficult and selfish to live with from what I gather. I got a vibe from him about our relationship when he mentioned the moving in with his sister thing would be temporary. I felt like I was temporary.

I had been silencing these doubts for awhile when I started investigating why I wasn't interested in sex, which triggered anxiety because everything I read said my relationship was over. I panicked. I ran away with the idea it was over and started doubting everything at once. Like a switch turned my doubts on full blast. I started thinking I love him, no you don't, yes I do! The anxiety escalated one night about a week ago to the point where I was in tears. I was with my boyfriend that night but suddenly found myself in the bathroom crying to my mom on the floor. My mind was telling me "you should just end it" but my heart was saying no.

I started thinking intensely about why the doubts exploded. Whether that was what I wanted. I don't know the future, which does bother me. I don't know if I feel in love, because his love is not like other loves,I've experienced. I'm not sure about it. I started seeing guys at college wondering is that what i want? Would he be more romantic? Enthusiastic? I was so upset I landed in the counselor's office at school.

That same day a guy who had struck up a conversation with me a week before saw me and waited to talk to me after class. I didn't know what to think about the contact but felt special from it. It ended with him asking for my phone number. I was testing myself to see if I wanted to date others so I gave him it. He texted me right away and asked me what I was doing the next day. I said working and eventually said I was in a relationship.

I stopped talking to him because i wanted to work things out with my boyfriend. He says he will talk to me more, tell me he loves me more, and wants me to be happy. I just feel like we never had this bond other couples have, where they are stuck on each other. They're in love, they are there for each other. He's been saying it more and texting me a little bit more, and driving to me more... But I wish he was in love with me enough to want to do those things. Yet I want to be with him... I still love him. But I wish he was proud of our relationship and showed it off. I'm at a loss. My anxiety is through the roof.

I want to help and I really mean it!

HopperFan — Tue, 02 Apr 2013 17:17:28 -0800

Help me write a note to my neighbor, offering help if needed... The nice lady who lives two houses down has/had a deadbeat boyfriend, and tonight he was carted off by the police after screaming curses and banging on her door. (This was the latest incident of at least three that I can recall where he's acted completely foolish, and the cops were called at least one other time.) The neighbors (guys) across the street came over to divert him (calmly and effectively!), and I came over to give her my name and number in case she needed it later - I told her to call anytime, day or night.

She stood in the doorway, near tears, and said "I'm sorry. I'm so humiliated." I told her not to be, that we've all been in similar situations.

I'd like to leave her a brief note, reinforcing that I really mean that it's ok to call if she's scared and needs someone there quickly (say, if she's waiting for the police again), and something along the lines of "no humiliation, it's a reflection on your (former?) partner, not you."

I want to *not* make it an overly big deal and make her feel worse, though - I'd like ideas on what I might write in such a note, and also if it might be better to just not write it at all - was the number enough? If you were the recipient of such a note and in a bad relationship that is possibly not over, what would you want to read?

I should mention that her boyfriend doesn't seem particularly dangerous (just stupid and a drunk), and if I did go over there, I'd be going with the full knowledge/assistance of my own sweet and kind boyfriend.

Managing difficult stakeholders: Bad writer edition

embrangled — Thu, 28 Mar 2013 18:17:52 -0800

Professional communicators of Metafilter: Please give me your tips for handling subject matter experts who write poorly, but don't know it. When a colleague is adamant that their disorganised writing and grammatical errors Must Not Be Changed, how do you respond? I am responsible for the final copy, so one way or another, the problems are going to be fixed. Lines like "A large amount of volunteers..." are not going on the damn website. (Unless said bad writer starts mincing them, I guess...)

But being a grammar nazi wins you no friends, especially in an organisation which is still adjusting to having a communications professional on staff. I want to take a kinder, gentler approach. Please give me your best advice on how to make the necessary edits while keeping relationships intact and egos relatively unbruised. How can I get the bad writer to see me as an asset, not a threat?

(To head off any derails: 90% of my colleagues are happy with my work; they tell me that I help them say what they wanted to say, only better. The bad writer is a notable exception to this trend).

How to not act superior?

Anonymous — Sun, 24 Mar 2013 21:13:58 -0800

I received some feedback recently that I come across as arrogant, condescending, and pretentious. How can I stop coming across this way, externally? How can I get at the root of underlying attitudes, internally? I'm highly intelligent verbally - according to a few standardized tests you take before going to college and grad school - and less so socially. Not inept, but not someone who finds it natural to relate to everyone.

I have always had a larger vocabulary than most of my cohort, and tend to prioritize precision over simplicity. The person conveying this feedback suggested that this might be a part of the problem.

What do I need to be on the lookout for, behaviorally? Emotionally/attitudinally? Advice from those who have made this adjustment in their own lives is especially appreciated.

How do I make up for 10 years of blowing her off?

Anonymous — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 07:05:54 -0800

I've been married for a few more than 10 years. For most of that time, I did not really listen to my wife or honor her goals and desires for our life together. Starting in 2012, I have made a change in my attitude and actions, and we are communicating and making significant progress in our relationship. If it were just making the current state of affairs good, I think we're on a good track and we'd be ok. My question is: How do I make up for the previous ~10 years? If you want to email: accommodatee@mail.com. Thanks in advance for any advice, here or via email. More details: Things started to go down hill not too long after we got married when I did a grueling job search that failed. I was really, really depressed and afraid and did not want to plan anything. My wife really wanted to get settled down and grow roots, but she agreed to move more than once so I'd have future chances to take my career in the direction I wanted. I squandered these opportunities and we had to move additional times and it cost years, during which time she was really lonely and depressed.

I feel really lucky that she didn't leave me. In many ways it would have been a classic AskMi DTMFA had she asked. She is amazing. I feel like I owe her a lot. She gave me a chance to do something that would have rebalanced the ledger, and I completely fucked it up. I do want to make it up to her. I don't know how.

If you want more info about my head: definitely somewhere on the autism spectrum, but undiagnosed; perfectionist; more or less depressed and anxious since early teens; hugely conflict-averse; hyper-sensitive to criticism. Many of these are substantially less true and/or debilitating now than they were a few years ago, thanks to: Therapy, anti-depressants, the Mental Illness Happy Hour (I'm just a listener), self-help books, a good career path, a wife still willing to work on our relationship, and the grace of God.

Help me respond constructively to my brother!

HopperFan — Sun, 17 Mar 2013 18:39:49 -0800

My older brother (in his 50s) posted something on FB regarding the Steubenville rape case, which was: "Well, this is not going to make me any friends, but here goes anyway:

I am less than totally sympathetic for this young woman because she can not be completely absolved of a significant amount of responsibility of what happened to her:
- To say she had no responsibility for her own well being is ludicrous. Had she stayed at least conscience, not sober just conscience, she could have prevented this with a simple "Don't touch me there." Instead she drank to the point she passed out (at 16 no less. The parents have no culpability?) and consequently "depended upon the kindness of strangers." Which leads directly to:
- if you chose to swim with sharks (teenage boys with alcohol) you had better expect to get bitten. The boys made unacceptable choices but to carry this for the rest of their lives is beyond appropriate.

Kind of like defensive driving. You don't walk through a bad part of town with $100 bills stuck on your shirt and think you are absolved of all blame or responsibility if you are mugged."

I am appalled and very disappointed at the same time - he has a daughter who's only a few years younger than me (we're in our 30s).

I'd like to respond in a way that is thoughtful and hopefully makes him think about a different way (or ways) to look at the issue. Right now, I cannot think of anything, because my first response is FUCK YOU, MISOGYNIST PIECE OF SHIT WHO NEVER HAD TO WORRY ABOUT GETTING RAPED IN YOUR LIIIIIIIFE, and then lava starts pouring out of my ears.

I'm not especially close to this brother, but I would like to remain on good terms with him. Appeals to logic, not emotion, work best with him - but all my logic skillz have just flown right out the window.

Give me some examples of rephrasing a question into a statement

geekgirl397 — Fri, 15 Mar 2013 13:15:01 -0800

I've heard that men don't like questions. I'm a woman and would like to have better relationships with the men in my life. Give me some examples of ways to rephrase questions into statements, directives or imperatives. I've recently been reading some of the work of the life coach Talane Miedaner.

Watching a webcast of a seminar she gave the other day about "breaking through the glass ceiling", a light went on.

She claims that "men don't like questions" and suggested that women, especially, would communicate better with men if they asked fewer questions and rephrased their communications. Polling men friends, coworkers and relatives, most men seem to agree.

I work in a male dominated industry and am looking for any way I can increase my influence and effectiveness. I figure this is worth a try.

Ordinarily, I ask questions about everything compulsively. I do it so instinctively I don't even know I'm doing it, so it's going to take some practice to stop and reframe my questions into forms that are less challenging and threatening to men.

An example might be: instead of "How was your day?" rephrase it into "Tell me about your day".
Another might be: instead of "How are you going to fix this problem?", say "Explain to me how you are going to fix this problem"

I am looking for more examples, as this kind of rephrasing is far from natural to me. I'd like to create a "cheat sheet" list of sentence openers and forms that I can carry around with me and use as a reminder until this habit is more ingrained. Please give me your suggestions.

Any commentary on the thesis is also welcomed.

How can I be a better communicator?

sibboleth — Wed, 13 Mar 2013 19:54:26 -0800

I'm about to enter a second-degree program, and I expect that my small cohort group and I are going to be very different people. I'd like to bridge the gap, but I worry that my weird, assertive, and outspoken tendencies are going to alienate me. Help. I'm a female in my mid-20s, entering a stereotypically female-dominated field. My world-view could be described as 'acid liberal', and though I do not think that it's the case, I suspect that some would describe me as radical. I'm in the process of my personal development where I am dealing with my privilege and casually racist/sexist/phobic upbringing, and as a consequence become easily upset by privileged behavior in the form of casual shows of racism, sexism, homophobia, shaming, etc. I've been trying to moderate my reaction to these kinds of behaviors a little more actively, but at times I can get frustrated and emotional. I've been working on my filter but I still have problems and can react in a knee-jerk fashion.

We've got a small forum set up for students that will be entering the program, and already a member of the group (a former police officer) has expressed some pretty negative opinions about marginalized people, insinuating that they exist to mooch off of students and steal bicycles. I was upset by the remark but was able to moderate my response due to the nature of the online medium. I can sense, however, that in another setting I may not be able to silence my disgust. Due to the small cohort, the odds are good that I'll be working with this person in the future.

Intellectually, I know that these problems are not mine to deal with, but emotionally I still have difficulty accepting this kind of behavior and feel like ignoring it makes me -- and this is an extreme phrasing, but I'm not sure how best to describe the feeling -- complicit. I understand that this is the crux of the problem. So, given the likelihood that I will speak up, I would like to be able to approach the situation in a professional, friendly, and effective way.

I see that these goals may be at odds with one another. If your answer is that I should mind my own business, please include an anecdote about the most difficult situation you ended up forcing yourself to ignore.

I'm looking into non-violent communication, but I'd be happy to learn about other communication or conflict mitigation techniques. Feel free to recommend a book or article or wikipedia rabbit hole. Share your experiences about how you dealt with filterless-ness or your consciousness crisis. Call me an egomaniac.

Thanks in advance.

Dating when you already have feelings you never intend to act on?

zeek321 — Fri, 08 Mar 2013 05:47:45 -0800

I have feelings for another woman that I have no intention of ever acting on, and my current relationship seems doomed because of it. Help. ("Alice" is 24, "Beth" is 29, and I (dude) am 32. I dated Alice casually while she was an undergrad and I was a grad student. We did not start a serious relationship until we'd known each other for a year and she was graduated and working.)

I have a friend, Beth, who I've known for almost my entire life, and we were fleetingly romantically involved, physically and emotionally a year ago. I love Beth, in that I desire for her to be safe and happy, and I feel warmth and comfort when I think about her. Beth is halfway across the country, and I like it that way. If we interact too much, I want to be around her and I feel strong romantic feelings towards her. But, I absolutely do not want to spend the rest of my life with Beth, because I don't think I would be happy, based on our personalities. I am very sure of this, but not 100% sure. In any case, the thought of it makes my skin crawl. Therefore, I limit my contact with Beth in order to be able to have romantic attachment to other people. Specifically, in the present, in order to protect my feelings for Alice (more below), I voluntarily, deliberately, and carefully limit my contact with Beth to maybe an email or two every couple of months and I do not share details of my life with her. We do not talk about anything of substance or anything intimate. By unspoken agreement, Beth does the same. I hatched this plan on my own, and was doing it before dating Alice.

I am dating Alice, now. We have known each other for about two years, and we have been dating for one year. We dated casually for a few months the first year we knew each other, in that we explicitly agreed that we were physically monogamous but not emotionally monogamous, and we put an end date on the relationship. After perhaps a four month hiatus with Alice, during which I slept with Beth, Alice and I decided to enter into an emotionally monogamous, committed relationship. We agreed that we were exploring the possibility of forever. One year later, Alice and I have talked casually about marriage on and off, i.e. a choice and agreement to be together forever, but we agreed that we certainly have not made that choice yet.

Alice is aware of Beth, my feelings for Beth, and that Beth and I slept with each other when Alice and I were not dating. And she was aware of these things when entering into this current relationship with me.

A week ago, I sent a text to Beth, while with Alice (which I have never done before), about coincidental magazine covers showing a character from a TV show that Beth and I bonded over. Alice asked me why I was smiling, and I explained, and Alice has been on high alert ever since.

Alice has demanded that I cease all contact with Beth. Alice has at least verbally stated that she trusts me as competent in accurately predicting and describing my internal state and in regulating my behavior. She apparently believes me in that, for example, if I marry her and have kids, and I say I won't suddenly realize I was meant to be with Beth and run off, then I won't. But she still wants me to cease all contact with Beth. Alice feels that whatever I get from my relationship with Beth, I should get from other friends. Alice can empathize with my feeling romantic feelings for Beth because she still has romantic feelings for her previous boyfriend. However, Alice feels the difference between our situations is that she is working on not having feelings for her previous boyfriend.

I am not working on not having feelings for Beth. I am regulating my feelings for Beth, which I have explained to Alice. Alice has at least verbally said that she trusts me to competently guard my feelings for her (Alice) and to regulate my feelings for Beth. But she still wants me to cease all contact with Beth. Regardless of my competence in regulating my attention and emotional attachment, and her belief that I have no intention of ever spending my life with Beth, Alice feels that it's more risk than she's willing to deal with, and she is currently unwilling to live with that risk into the future. She feels that I am disrespecting her and is amazed that I could be hurting her like this.

I explored last night, alone, the thought of cutting all contact with Beth. It made me want to die inside (not literally), and it made me feel white hot (nonviolent) hate for Alice, simultaneous with my feelings for her. I feel like if Alice and I broke up, I would be devastated, but hopefully, acutely, only for a few weeks. (When we finished our first casual thing, we were both a mess for a few days.) But, I want to continue monogamously exploring what I have with Alice, though I'm not ready to commit.

So. I'm not willing to cut contact with Beth, which I explained to Alice. I've known Beth for my entire life. I've known Alice for two years. Up top I said Alice and I agreed to enter an "emotionally monogamous, committed relationship." I think for me that meant I expected my feelings around Beth to fade, and presumably Alice did too. But that is not happening. Alice feels unacceptably disrespected, powerless, and defeated. She is extremely upset.

For my part, I feel like it is perfectly reasonable for Alice not to want me to look inside and find strong feelings for someone besides her. Period. But I wish she would look at the last year and see whether I've ever been emotionally unavailable because of Beth, if I've ever made a choice that favored Beth over Alice. (Excepting the precipitating text incident.) And the answer is no; I've barely thought about Beth. And, in fact, I deliberately do not follow trains of thought about Beth. I gently acknowledge the initial thought and appreciate it and then turn my thoughts to something else. And, yes, that takes some effort, but I'm going to be making that effort for as long as Beth keeps coming up, and I'd guess I'd like some sympathy for that. (And I'm wondering whether this'll be an issue for every relationship, ever, if Alice and I don't work out. I will not attack myself over this, nor will I not disclose this--I think it's a big deal, as Alice clearly does.)

For Beth's part, well, there is no Beth: Of course she has no idea any of this is going on, because she's not an intimate part of my life! We recommend books and TV to each other, months apart, with emails the length of tweets. It makes me happy, indeed because of who I'm specifically emailing with. We have a long history of TV show and book watching and mutual understanding that is irreplaceable. And presumably we're never going to engage in that again, except in the superficial way we're doing now, because that's precisely what would make me pine for her, which is why I'm not doing it. And Alice is turning Beth into this OTHER who does not actually exist except in Alice's head, and Alice is trying to make me believe in OTHER-Beth, and it's poisoning the pretty uncomplicated joy I derive from what's left of my relationship with Beth, and it makes me furious.

Earlier the day of the text, Alice said something about my career and values that made me feel deeply betrayed. I have been willing to explore that further with her. It's likely that that betrayal incident was somehow related to me sending that text to Beth in Alice's presence. Ouch. So, that's everything.

Where am I being inconsistent? How can I make Alice understand my position better? What is Alice trying to tell me that I am not hearing? I'm really upset. Please be gentle.

Responding to Feedback at Work When It's From Your Boss's Spouse

Hello Darling — Wed, 06 Mar 2013 00:13:28 -0800

I think I'm offending my boss's wife when I suggest alternatives to some of her input that she's been giving on a big project I'm in charge of at work. How can I more effectively respond to her feedback so I don't offend her but also stay true to design standards and artistic integrity? I am responsible for rebranding my company's website. This is a big honor because I haven't been at the company very long, and I am very happy that my bosses like my work enough to entrust me with this task. I was charged with creating a new brand identity that is hip, fresh, and streamlined.

One of the main people giving input on this rebranding process is my boss's wife, who I like very much and who is part of the demographic our brand is trying to reach. She is not a designer, and lately I've been having a really, really hard time with some of her suggestions. Some of her ideas are excellent and I look forward to incorporating them; others revolve around outdated design elements that are now categorically passe, or on things that just don't match the design scheme we've already set into motion.

With my boss and the other people on my team I feel comfortable saying, "I see where you're coming from on this, but I'm worried that incorporating ABC may result in XYZ, which we've thus far been trying to stay away from. Do you think that could be a possible outcome, or would you like me to try it anyway?" With her, I don't feel like I have the same rapport on which to rely when giving that kind of counter feedback, and to make matters worse, this anxiety about not feeling like I can organically participate in a dialogue about this project I'm responsible for is morphing into resentment. I am starting to automatically dismiss her input as not good, and I think she may be feeling like me countering her input with possible outcomes = me dissing her.

I still try very hard to acknowledge her input, validate it for its importance and weight, and then suggest possible negative or less ideal outcomes associated with implementing some of her suggestions and counter it with alternatives I think are more aesthetically pleasing/time efficient/etc. I want her to feel heard, and I also want to produce the best possible product. These two things are not mutually exclusive but I'm making them so.

This is really stressing me out and I no longer look forward to this project anymore as I once did. I don't feel like my own expertise in this area is being respected and I don't feel like I can give my input freely for fear of offending her. Is it naive of me to assume that I should still be able to have an open and honest dialogue with my team if she's in the room? If so, where do I go next? If not, what kind of things can I do or say to make sure she feels acknowledged and appreciated for her input particularly when that input does not feel like a good fit for the project?

I was thinking I might sit down with her and ask her to elaborate on all the things she would really like to see from the brand now that it's being revamped so that I can better understand where she's coming from. Would it be a bad idea to even say, "I want to make sure that I have not been offending you during meetings. Do you feel like your input is being heard, and if not, what can I do as your designer to do better in that area?"

80 year old MIL talks incessantly

seekingsimplicity — Tue, 05 Mar 2013 15:59:02 -0800

My 80 year old mother- in- law of 30 years talks non-stop about things I am not interested in----- but the people-pleaser in me keeps listening to her politely and I end up feeling exhausted. I see other family members interrupting her mid-sentence or just walking off while she is talking and out of guilt I guess I keep listening to her ad nauseum.

I have very little in common with her and am not really interested in the details of events that she offers in conversation. I feel like I am not true to myself when I listen to her.

I even avoid being by myself with her when we are at her house and I about die when the phone rings and it is her.

Part of me feels like I should give her the gift of listening to her (she is 80 years old!) but another part of me feels very impatient with the whole situation.

I know she will never change but would like some advice about how to be polite but also be able to get out of a LONG conversation with her.

Any exit strategys welcome.

How do you talk to someone who interprets everything as an attack?

celtalitha — Thu, 28 Feb 2013 12:44:24 -0800

Help me Metafilter! I need cognitive and/or behavioral hacks to better deal with someone whose anxiety/self-esteem issues tend to make every conversation into a battle. I have a problem with certain people in my life (one especially), that whenever I bring up a topic of conversation - especially if the topic is an issue or problem that needs solving - they immediately get defensive and begin talking about their intentions and feelings vis-a-vis the topic, instead of the topic itself/potential solutions. Thus the conversation gets derailed dealing with the person's defensiveness/insecurity/feelings and reassuring them, or trying to convince them that it wasn't an attack on them personally, and will you please talk about X now? They usually eventually realize and come around, but by that point we've been talking for an hour, and it's emotionally and mentally exhausting (not to mention impractical time-wise). And ultimately, the original problem (X) almost always goes unsolved, or a quick-fix is slapped on at the end because we are both exhausted from the long lead-up. Needless to say this is not a sustainable long-term dynamic.

Things I have tried: bringing up X in as non-confrontational and neutral way as possible ("I" statements, ex. "I have a concern about X, I would like to talk to you about what we can do about it...") The issue is not with the couching, it is with the person's response. They have diagnosed high anxiety and are on medication for it, but self-esteem and anxiety issues lead them to interpret every discussion or conflict (heaven forbid it actually be something they did) in the worst possible light, before even reaching the main point of the conversation. I know that I am not in control of another person's responses, but the immediate defensiveness often "trips my trigger" as it were and I go into argument mode pretty quickly - so while I start out on a healthy/assertive note, the dynamic spirals downward quickly.

I guess what I need is ways to stop myself from engaging in/spiraling downward into the "no, I know you didn't TRY to, no, I know you don't have bad intentions, no - that isn't my &%$! point!!! LISTEN!!" quicksand. I would like something to say, or a way to visualize this dynamic to myself, that allows me to remain cool and calm instead of becoming frustrated and angry, and which allows the other person to see that they are indeed not being attacked (my angry and frustrated response, while it is directed at the conversation and not at the original subject, effectively works to reinforce this person's fear of attack and rejection, therefore exacerbating the cycle for future conversations).

Please assume, for practical purposes, that this is a person/people that I cannot just disengage with completely, for many compelling real-world (not simply emotional) reasons. Please also assume that the person doing this, is aware that they do it (in general, if not always in the moment); is currently in counselling, and that joint counselling to discuss communication issues is a distinct near-future possibility. I would still like some outside thoughts, hacks, etc, and if you have any particular strategies or thoughts to bring up with the counselor when we do go, let me know. I would like to be able to make maximum use of the sessions, especially as finances for therapy are limited.

Here come those tears.

summer sock — Fri, 22 Feb 2013 16:56:44 -0800

I have to have a relationship talk tonight with a new person in my life. It's going to be stressful but I think it's going to be okay. How do I not cry? I have a tendency to get choked up and cry during certain types of discussions where I feel vulnerable. (It even happens at work, but that's another AskMe.) What do I do? Should I just issue a warning before we talk?

Does talking with your friend/partner trained as a therapist suck?

It's a Parasox — Sat, 09 Feb 2013 09:21:53 -0800

My partner is a new psychotherapist and I think his training is getting in the way of how we communicate. Is there some way to make it clear that I'd like him to knock it off, or Is there some other way I ought to be thinking about this? My partner is finishing up his psychotherapy training. Over the past years I've noticed slightly annoying behaviours, which might always have been there, but I didn't recognize them as easily as I do now. Rather than answer my question, he deflects with a question about my question, or he reflects my question back to me or questions a particular word choice.

Today we were just having a conversation about something he dreamed about, and I asked it it was in the context of work. He said no, it was something about dancing. I said: oh, so it was social? Rather than confirm yes, or say no, he went all meta on me: it sounds like you're saying that work can't be social.

...which then led to another down the rabbit hole conversation, where I point out that 1. No one said that work isn't social and 2. If you don't agree, tell me what you think like a person I'm having a conversation with, rather than go all 'reflective instrument' on me, like a therapist (interesting that you're using the word 'social').

I'm annoyed because my fear is that this is a protection thing for him....that when we are having difficulties communicating, it isn't just that we have differing communication styles, but that if we are having an argument, he slips out of partner mode and into therapist mode because it feels less dangerous.

But I recognize it could just be a communication thing. I really love precise, clarifying questions. So if someone says it's not work, I say 'social?' to clarify. He finds questions like that really limiting. Any words that 'pin down' conversations seem to feel like I'm stiffling his freedom or something. My optimal question is, "it sounds like that situation at work was really annoying for you, wasn't it?" His optimal question is, "what was that experience like for you?".

While he acknowledges we have different styles, he does not acknowledge the turning into a therapist part. So when I say: It doesn't feel like we are conversing, but you are reflecting, like a therapist. He'll say: therapists converse. Or: it sounds like you're feeling frustrated that we aren't dialoging. The first is not the point, the second I actual would normally like, but it feels like a cop out from what I really want, which is him to tell me whether or not this is true for him. Okay, therapists converse, but is he conversing? Yes, I'm frustrated, but at him, and he's not acknowledging that.

All in all, these conversational roadblocks happen about 10% of the time. The other ninety percent is lovely. I'd just like to know when I'm fighting with my partner that I'm fighting with my partner, and not reflecting with my therapist. I don't know. But the question: Is there some way to get him to understand that there are times that it feels like we're both sitting on the couch, and when things get difficult he sort of disappears and reappears in the therapist's seat? Has this happened to any other people who dated/married trained therapists? Is there something I am not seeing?

Communication in the early days of dating

toerinishuman — Sun, 03 Feb 2013 08:49:23 -0800

What are your tips to keeping the lines of communication open in the first few weeks of dating someone new? The hardest part of dating for me is keeping the lines of communication open when we're just starting to get to know each other. In the past, I've lived in small communities where I saw my boyfriends several times a week regardless if we made plans together or not; we had the same friends and general interests. But now I'm living in a large city and have been dating men I've met on OKCupid, and I don't know how to keep in touch with someone I wouldn't organically meet. I struggle with what to say to someone, either by email or text, other than making plans for the next date. I prefer to talk to people face-to-face in general, and I think I've gotten stuck on this method of communication.

Meeting guys outside of OKC in this city hasn't been working, partially because most guys I like when I first meet them are in relationships, and partially because I'm not good at flirting/reading when someone is flirting with me. OKC means I can meet single guys and know we're both looking for a relationship. Before OKC, I hadn't gone on a date in over a year, and the male friends I made weren't interested in dating me.

My question is, in the first few weeks of dating, what kinds of emails, texts, etc are typical, and how often do people contact each other? I don't think I'm comfortable sending 'how's your day going?' or 'thinking of you :)' texts when we've been seeing each other for less than a month. Because I don't feel like I know what I'm doing, I'm starting to overthink even basic 'so, coffee this week?' texts. I could use some perspective on this.

They told me the first year of marriage would be a tricky one...

Telpethoron — Sat, 02 Feb 2013 22:05:01 -0800

This is a question for those of you who are married (or have an SO): When it comes to things like personal correspondence, is there still such a thing as privacy? My wife and I have a very open relationship, in the sense that we have few if any secrets from each other. We dated in high school (23 years ago), and got married last year after reuniting during a time when I was convalescent in the hospital. Over the past year, we've developed a deep trust and respect for one's beliefs and opinions.

One area where we have been found to differ, however, is the mail. I've always been of the mindset that if something comes to our home that is not addressed to me, I do not open it without permission. My wife has told me that she is fine with me opening her mail, but I often leave it be - out of courtesy, if nothing else.

My mail, on the other hand, is always opened when I get home from work. Whether it's a letter or a package, I find that she has opened it and looked at (or read) it before putting it aside for me to see. This bothers me, because it strikes me as discourteous. To be clear - I am not trying to hide anything from her. I am simply asking her to extend me the same courtesy that I am giving her, by respecting her privacy in this regard.

My question, then, is twofold: Am I being overly protective of my privacy, given the nature of our relationship? Or is she overstepping the bounds of courtesy?

How do you spot Dating Warning Phrases?

argonauta — Wed, 30 Jan 2013 15:44:37 -0800

Can you help me to better distinguish cheery lovebird songs vs. the squawks of ailing canaries in my dating coal mine? I was just poking through some old emails and was kind of bowled over when I spotted how often and reliably "You're too good to me" was uttered by someone I was dating... not long before we were, uh, no longer dating anymore.

For umpty-freakin' years, I instinctively interpreted that phrase as a positive thing: a compliment, a gold star, a sign of warmth, a request for me to keep doing those things, an urge to return the generosity.... not (as I now think is more likely) a warning signal that the person was maybe feeling guilty, or smothered, or unworthy, or unhappily pressured to reciprocate, etc..

There must be other phrases like this, right? And if I figure out how to listen to them on the right frequency, I'll at least be able to react more nimbly? "Things are kind of crazy with work right now" probably qualifies as one. I'd love to be able to arm myself if you know any other examples of phrases that at least make you sit up and pay better attention. Thanks, y'all.

How often is too often to bug a company MD about a job?

fearnothing — Mon, 28 Jan 2013 12:53:17 -0800

MD said he would talk to me about a graduate position opening up this year. Haven't heard anything yet and I do not want to let this one slip through my fingers. How communicative should I be, and by what means? Before Christmas I heard about a graduate job coming up in my field, in the town I'm doing my degree in. Not only is it exactly the work I want to do, it's also in a town I've come to like a lot, staying here would be awesome. So I contacted them, the MD called me back (it's a small outfit) and asked me to send him my CV and that we could talk about it sometime over a coffee.

So I sent it, then things got busy and Christmas came and went. I left a message with the secretary a couple of weeks ago saying I was back in town and would the MD like to meet up for that coffee. Obviously since I'm asking this I haven't heard anything back.

Should I:
a) Call again
b) Email
c) Shut up and wait patiently
d) insert your alternative here, with kittens