Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with commitment

What really matters in a long term relationship?

meb123 — Thu, 25 Apr 2013 13:48:01 -0800

I love my boyfriend dearly but am starting to doubt our long term potential. I don't know if I'm asking smart questions, or letting my inner commitment phoebe dictate my thinking. Last week I asked this question about how my boyfriend and I can figure out how to move to the same place and take the next step in our relationship.
http://ask.metafilter.com/239367/How-to-get-to-the-same-place-in-a-medium-distance-relationship

We've had a few conversations about this since, and I've spent a good deal of time thinking about it. I'm beginning to worry that the real problem is not that the geographical distance between us, or the fact that we are in different stages in our lives, but that perhaps our life values and long term goals are less compatible than I had originally thought.

I have a job that I love - it stimulates me, challenges me, allows me to travel, and introduces me every day to smart and passionate people that I respect. I'm not sure exactly where I want to be in 5-10 years, and I'm sure my "plan" will change, but I know I am on the path I want to be on. Having a career, not just a job, that I am proud of and that enriches my life is a non-negotiable to me. This is a big part of who I am.

My boyfriend is in a field he is less than passionate about. He would like to change careers - but he isn't sure what his dream field would be - he says there are lots of jobs he could do and enjoy. I know he's frustrated by his search and that he's made decisions in his past that have left him in a less than desirable situation and is depressed about that. But he's been saying that while he wants a job that pays the bills and allows him to travel and live comfortably, he doesn't want his happiness to live or die with his job or career and would be plenty happy with a job that didn't stress him out. He says a job doesn't define who you are, and while he respects and admires my drive, he doesn't envy me and the way I feel.

I feel torn and confused. I have always know that he did not have the same level of ambition as I did - and actually appreciated the balance that brought to our relationship - but have felt for the past two years that he has been working to get to a job and a place in his life that he felt passionate about. I realize now that I was probably projection that onto him more than anything.

He now says he will come to where I am and look for a job, but wants to know that if it came down to it, I would choose him over my career. I have replied that I would always prioritize our relationship over my career, but that my career is also important to me and I would never give up my career for our relationship - because that is an essential part of who I am, and because it's a false choice and I wouldn't want to be with someone who would ask me to make it. No different than if he felt the same way about his job, I would never dream of asking him to give that up - I would find the way we could both do what we wanted, or as close to it as possible.

I am really torn as to whether this will work for us in the long term. On one hand, I understand where he is coming from and respect that it's his opinion. As I said before, our differences do balance our relationship in many ways. I know plenty of people live very happily like that and I don't think there is anything wrong with it - it's just not who I am.

At the same time, I find passion very attractive and important - it's a value I would want to instill in my children. I know that can take many forms and that not all of us are lucky enough to do what we are passionate about for work.

I find myself wondering what it would be like with someone who had a more similar drive to me - not in the same field necessarily, but just something, ANYTHING, that they really loved and were working at. I feel that really enriches a relationship. I worry that if my boyfriend came here one or both of us would grow to resent the other for a variety of reasons. He wants to live in the country, I want to live in the city - so we compromise on the suburbs, but then neither of us is truly happy. I have friends who have done that and it has never worked. At what point do you compromise away your entire relationship until you are left with a middle ground that leaves no one happy?

I know that if we are going to take the next step I need to be ready to accept the fact that this is who he is and be ok if he always just has a series of jobs he feels OK about. I should say that he is not the type to be jobless or try and mooch off of me - it's not that he doesn't have a good work ethic, more that is he less driven/ambitious than I am and that I thought he was.

I recently had dinner with an old boss who was telling me that when he met and fell for his wife part of what was so great about it was that he didn't only fall in love with her as a person but he really loved her life - the friends she had, the things she cared about, and the world that he was brought into. And it made me jealous because I don't feel that way. I can certainly see a happy home life with my boyfriend - aside from this we have an amazing and loving relationship. I know that no two relationships are alike, each requires compromise, and that I could be with someone who matched up on paper but with no spark. I know people dating someone who is "perfect" for them, but they cry themselves to bed every night.

I am really struggling with whether I am being unfair and simply terrified of making a commitment or if I could be very happy in this situation, or if the truth is that this is not going to work out because we have different values. I would love any advice and input - especially from people who are in similar situations on either side of them.

Help with a 12 month attention span?

Isn't in each artist (7) — Mon, 25 Feb 2013 13:56:28 -0800

I seem to get 'bored' with everything in my life - friends, relationship, job, country - every 1-2 years. I then make major life changes and it is starting to seriously affect me. Has anyone else experienced this situation? Does it get better? If not, do you have some good coping strategies? Since finishing university I've noticed that I can't stick to anything for more than a year or two. Jobs that I've been really enthusiastic about, hobbies that I've enjoyed and mastered, new places, new people (both friends and SO's).

This is affecting me adversely in several ways:

- I don't feel like I've achieved much. I'm currently looking for a job and my CV reflects my life; a bit of a mess with no narrative.
- I don't bother committing myself to things wholeheartedly, so e.g. I won't learn a new language in a new place, or take up a time-consuming hobby. 'Whatever, I probably won't be here next year anyway!'.
- I'm starting to feel dishonest making commitments to others. This is the biggy and applies in my professional and personal life. Becoming aware of the trend, I'm increasingly cautious about making big commitments like 'of course I'll deliver this multiyear project!' or 'let's be flatmates!'.
I'm concerned that I'll never shake this... and therefore never be in a position to have kids, as I'll be all enthusiasm for a couple of years and then lose interest. (I've already missed one opportunity and regret it keenly several years later. I still think it was the right decision.)
- Towards the end of a cycle, I lose all motivation. I start to know that I'll be moving on and I find it hard to maintain any pretence that I'm not. Work and relationships suffer and I let people down. This is happening to me now, particularly at work.
- I miss the places and people I leave behind, but I find it awkward to stay in touch. My 'old friends' are really the ones who persevere with me for reasons that I find pretty unfathomable. I've got a lot of funny anecdotes involving people that I'm no longer in touch with and wish I'd got to know better.

I'm asking this here because it's hard to discuss all this with the people in my life:

1) it's a privileged problem to have and I'm embarrassed explaining it face-to-face. It's the kind of thing that 17 y.o. me would probably have been proud of and it comes across like I'm trying to cast myself as a mysterious globetrotting loner. And of course this lifestyle is only possible because my appearance, education, accent, etc makes it easier to find jobs in new places.
And 2) it's basically putting them on notice that I will at some point be disappearing and will probably not stay in touch. This makes people understandably uncomfortable. Oh, and it seems like I'm inviting them to persuade me to stay.

Is this something others are experiencing or have experienced? Should I expect this to change? I'm already starting to dread my next 'fresh start' this summer, having to pull up the roots I've put down where I am - that's a new feeling, and hopefully positive. But I'm still perversely excited about it.

If it isn't going to change, what are good coping strategies? Should I just run with it and be more open about probable consequences? ('I'm super-excited about [X], but I should warn you that I will almost certainly find it boring in a few months, even though I find the idea unimaginable at the moment!') Or should I try to stick it out and make smaller changes at a time? (New job, but in the same place, or new hobby? ...I have tried this to some extent and it hasn't really worked).

POSSIBLY IRRELEVENT / OFFENSIVE SPECULATIVE MEDICAL DIAGNOSIS:
I was never diagnosed with ADHD as a child or medicated, but it seems probable that I had it to some degree (description of behaviour from family members plus family member who is a paediatrician telling me, unprompted, that they're sure I had it). I work with young people with ADHD and ADD now and find it very easy to put myself in their shoes. Assuming I did have it, the hyperactivity part disappeared during adolescence but I still find it difficult to concentrate on tasks for more than a short time. Possibly connected?

Stick it out or move on from this unequal relationship?

Anonymous — Tue, 12 Feb 2013 07:05:28 -0800

I'm in a relationship with wonderful woman (4 months) who I am falling for but should I break it off now because it's unequal? I've been in a relationship for 4 months with a great, smart, gorgeous woman who has recently undergone some major life changes including breaking up with her ex and starting a new job (all in the last year).

Pros: She's smart, sexy, witty, and we're on the same page about most all life goals, ambitions and values.

The cons: I initiate almost all of our activities including sex and she has yet to really bring me into her life/friends or return overtures of affection (like' I miss you, etc)

Question: I realize she needs support, time, understanding etc as she navigates this new part of her life, but can't help but think she keeping me around more because I'm convenient than she's really into me. Should I trust my gut on this one and end it or stick it out because she'll be worth the effort more long term?

I'm sort of at the place in life where I want a serious relationship soon. How much waiting time is too much in this scenario? Is this a red flag?

ACT therapists in Toronto?

mendel — Wed, 02 Jan 2013 13:58:44 -0800

I'm looking for an ACT therapist in Toronto. Does anyone have personal recommendations? Bit of background in case it's useful: straight male, late 30s, married, practicing Buddhist, primarily having trouble with work stress and existential/life-direction questions.

I'm currently seeing an expensive-even-by-TO-standards CBT therapist, which was effective for anxiety-related crises I was having earlier in the summer. But CBT doesn't seem to fit me for deeper, transformative change (or, at least, I find the tools useful for acute anxiety but I don't find the visits very useful anymore), so I figure that the mindfulness and value-orientation of ACT would be good for me.

To reproduce, or GTFO, that is the question.

domo — Thu, 13 Dec 2012 12:38:22 -0800

Can someone help explain my boyfriend to me? Special snowflake, yadda yadda, you are not my (or his!) therapist, etc. I do not want to get pregnant. The idea is pretty repellant to me. My boyfriend knows this about me, and has known for years. When we first started dating I told him I'd think about having kids at 28, which seemed like a lifetime away. We have been together for seven years now, living together for five, and in his house for two (I basically pay rent).
He has occasionally responded to my comments about pregnancy by suggesting I may change my mind in future and that I'd make a great mother. We usually agree to disagree until it comes up again.
I asked him a couple of months ago to tell me exactly what his thoughts on procreation were and to my surprise, he said that he absolutely -without question- was going to be a (biological) father someday.
I told him that I didn't want to have a kid, and he said he couldn't see being a father right now, either. He is prepared to wait until he does want to be a father to take any action about it.
I've been getting increasingly agitated because I like our lives as they are. He says he does too.
The thing that worries me is that I'll be 28 soon and we haven't decided anything.
Sometimes I think kids are pretty neat and maybe adoption wouldn't be so bad, but he does not want to adopt. He doesn't want a surrogate, either.
I feel like parenthood changes your life irrevocably and that I will be primarily responsible for them. I don't want to be wishy-washy about having kids and then be the only one taking care of them.
He has a job that requires travel. In fact, he is probably going to work over Christmas this year.
I'd like to get married, but I don't want to stand in the way of him being a father. I won't marry him if we don't agree on this, even though I REALLY want to be married to him.
He does not want to get married, but he assures me that he will stay with me for the rest of my life and that he would rather not have kids if it meant we had to split.
I don't believe him. I think he's comfortable with the way things are now and doesn't want to rock the boat (this conversation took place after I got really drunk and cried because he has never proposed to me). Yeah.
We're not getting any younger, but we still have some years to decide before fertility starts to be an issue.
I like our lives now. I love him. I like that I get to have some time to myself when he travels. I love his family. He doesn't understand why this upsets me so, since he "doesn't want kids now".

Can he really not care about his future? I mean, he's very laid back and "lives in the moment", but I'm showing my crazy more and more because I need a plan, y'all. I feel like I've been holding back, keeping things separate (like the house, although we are beneficiaries of each others 401K and life insurance plans) until I knew for sure what the plan was.
We talk about moving to Denver in a few years, having my parents move up there too. Both sets of parents want grandchildren (big surprise), and the assumption is that we're waiting until this move to "get married and have babies". I want to die every time someone mentions this, because I have a feeling my boyfriend is expecting this too.
I want to resolve this before we move, but I don't want to get into another "lets agree to disagree" or a "we'll see how we feel about it later" conversation.

Why did you break up?

never.was.and.never.will.be. — Wed, 05 Dec 2012 17:39:16 -0800

Why did you break up? More specifically, you thought you found someone you're compatible with, you guys mutually made a commitment, but yet you ended up breaking up a year or two later, or later in life. What was the reason for the breakup? I am in a great relationship. We both talked about wanting to be together forever, we talked about all the big things that couples should agree on, we both agree that a relationship takes work, and that a commitment is a decision that each person makes. We are seriously awesome together and everything is great.

However. I've known a few people who thought that they found the person they wanted to be with forever, but ended up breaking up for various reasons that they could not foresee because either one of them changed, or they fell out of love/attraction, or they couldn't agree on something later in life that they didn't foresee when things were good in the relationship. That scares me.

I am not looking for trouble in my relationship in any way, but I want to know if there are any red flags I'm missing becauses I'm in love, and I want to know what things can possibly go wrong in the future that I just can't foresee right now. I also like to think about relationships in general, so this question is just really interesting to me either way:

Why did you (or someone you know) break up (or get broken up with) when you used to think it was a sure thing? I want to hear your stories and learn from them.

Relationships as a choice - despite dependence?

Someone Else's Story — Fri, 23 Nov 2012 15:36:19 -0800

"I love you, and I choose to be here. ...Of course, if this doesn’t work out, I get deported." I could use your perspectives on choosing to be in a relationship despite sometimes feeling trapped in it? For the record, I’m carefully asking this question while the relationship is good, I’m happy to be in it, and there is as little emotional immediacy to my question as possible. I’m interested in things that I can add to my skillset for the future, if or when they’re needed. So, with that in mind:

It’s important to me to have my relationships be things my partners and I actively choose to be in. I don’t want to fall into inertia in them, or to find that we’re staying together because of the sunk cost fallacy or similar. I don’t believe relationships are necessarily failures just because they come to an end, or that they should last forever, and I’d rather end something that couldn’t be fixed than let it drag out and make the participants miserable. I think both my partners and myself deserve better than that.

However, my relationship with SomePartner is an imbalanced one in many ways. For one, I’m financially dependent on him because I’ve been disabled and too sick to work a steady job for years. He is my carer when things are really bad, and has literally had to help me get to the toilet and back at times. So if I didn’t have him, I’d be struggling to survive on Disability payments and having to rely on strangers as carers for my personal hygiene needs.

Furthermore, we’re currently expats, living in a country where we don't have citizenship. We’re here on the strength of his qualifications; he’s on a working visa with a partner provision. There’s no way I’d be able to secure a visa to live here as a disabled dependent without him. I wasn’t joking above the fold; if I break up with him, I do get deported when the visa expires, or sooner if someone decides to report the split to the Immigration Bureau. I'd be leaving behind a lot here that I'd miss - awesome friends, mentors, a good therapist and a great healthcare team who seem to be making progress on untangling my health issues after years of getting nowhere. Also, I’d either end up back in the city where this is my social circle, or moving to a place where I didn’t know anyone - which is a daunting prospect when I’m partially housebound.

I was a very independent person before my health deteriorated; I’d been living on my own since I was 16, and being able to support myself was important to me. I still feel that loss. This ties into my feelings about freely choosing an interdependent relationship - I valued knowing that I would be okay if I wasn’t in a relationship, and therefore knowing that I wasn’t rushing into or choosing to stay in one because I was scared to be alone - for any reason, financial, practical or emotional.

So while I’m on the whole happy in this relationship, there are times when I do start to feel trapped in it. In moments of conflict or dissonance, if I find myself questioning the relationship, I’m acutely aware that choosing to leave would mean huge changes in my life. Which leads me to wondering just how freely I get to make this choice to be here.

This is not about a lack of commitment. We’re committed enough to each other to have been together for over ten years, and to have moved across the world together. We have been through series of stresses that would stretch credibility in a work of fiction, and when our backs were to the wall we were both there for each other. However, my history in friendships and relationships is one of holding on too long rather than jumping ship too soon. I’m working on that in therapy, but as I consider how to recognise the point at which a relationship can’t be fixed and should be ended, it occurs to me that my level of dependence on my partner complicates things.

So I’m curious about how others approach such situations. Commitment and interdependence make it hard enough - how do you weigh up these additional factors in making such a decision?

SomePartner did actually leave me some years ago. He was dealing with untreated dysthymia and the weight of the aforementioned stressors; when I tried to bring up issues with him, he ended things between us. He reconsidered, sought treatment for the depressive issues, and we reconciled a few months later. However, during that time I had more than one person tell me that I had to work things out with him, because there was no way I could support myself even if I was getting Disability, so he was basically my only choice. I hated that, and I argued vehemently against it.

But I don’t want the seed of that idea to ever take root in my mind.

I know I’m hardly unique in having significant factors tying me to my partner, or even being dependent upon them. So for those among you with similar values, how would - or how do - you reconcile this?

Living a more entrenched life

so much modern time — Wed, 17 Oct 2012 08:30:42 -0800

What does it mean to be committed to your life? How can you become committed to yourself? I'm going through what seems to be a long transition in my life (you can check my previous questions if you like), and I'm finally at a stage where I'm relatively stable: post-living abroad, I've found a job, moved to the Bay Area, and actually making a decent amount of money with benefits.

But, I'm still trying to work out a few key things: identity, career, and what "settling down" means to me. When I was reading Mindy Kaling's book, she talks about committment to yourself and to your life in a way that quite resonated with me:

"I'm not talking about commitment to romantic relationships. I'm talking about commitment to things: houses, jobs, neighborhoods. Having a job that requires a contract. Paying a mortgage. I think when men hear that women want a commitment, they think it means commitment to a romantic relationship, but that's not it. It's a commitment to not floating around anymore. I want a guy who is entrenched in his own life. Entrenched is awesome."

She talks about what commitment means to her, but I've found it difficult to commit to staying in one place after an adult life of swanning about. Friendships I don't have a problem committing to, but long-term romantic relationships have been more difficult.

At the same time, I would like to be committed to my own life. How do I do that?

(Also want to point out here that I just started therapy, but I also wanted to bring this up to the insightful readers of AskMeFi.)

How to stay when it hurts like I'm already gone

Sockmaster — Mon, 17 Sep 2012 10:29:27 -0800

How do you stay in a relationship when you know there's a very good chance it might end soon? [Siberian winter's worth of snowflakes inside.] (People invovled are both 30. Sorry for the length and the pronoun game. Summary at bottom.)

Together 1.5yrs, essentially living together for about a year. Things got pretty serious pretty quickly, and I was happy in a easy, calm, deep way that I had never experienced before. Despite our closeness, the relationship had always been a little different in that there were always other people (roommates, close friends & family, etc) around. Very recently, the situation changed such that it's more just the 2 of us, and I was excited to see how we'd get on as a "regular" couple.

Suddenly one day, my partner tells me they're not sure what they want in the future, with regard to career or family. They're not even sure they see ME in their long-term future. I guess my partner had been getting questions about whether I would move in "for real" (I currently still have my own condo) and this got them thinking. Their only other serious relationship got dragged out in a bad way because they kept flip-flopping on whether they wanted to be with the ex, and not wanting to repeat that, they wanted to talk to me about how they were feeling, even though our relationship is (in their eyes) much better than that previous one.

This was heartbreaking -- I had NO IDEA they were feeling this way. They said when we first started dating, they thought we would get married, because ours was the best relationship they had ever experienced. But as time passed, that wasn't the default assumption any more. I asked if they had to imagine it -- right now -- did they see me in their future? More towards yes, no, or completely unknown? They said it was more towards "no", but that it wasn't like they couldn't imagine a future with me at all. They love me, consider me their best friend, and don't want to lose me, but they just don't know if they love me in that "forever" way. No, there wasn't anything specific about me (i.e., that I could work on) that made them feel this way, and no, they didn't want to break up.

I was really hurt, because I truly thought that we had what it took to go the distance, and was so damn self-assured that my partner felt the same way. I considered just breaking up with them right then, because while that would hurt like a motherfucker, I'd get over it eventually (I hope?) and not drag out the pain. BUT. I do love them, and they are wonderful to me. They're sweet and thoughtful and patient and affectionate. They're whip-smart and funny. The sex is great, we have fun together, and when we have our rare fights, we fight fairly.

They asked me to stay, because it seems stupid to give up if there's a good chance things could work out. After deliberating, I decided to stay and try, because this is by far the best relationship I had ever been in, and if I just leave now, I'll always wonder whether we would have made it if I had just been patient. And that's not a "what-if" that I can live with. My partner seemed really relieved and happy with my decision, and said they would try to make it work too.

In the meantime, I'm all over the place. There are times when I hurt like we already broke up, even though we're still together. I want badly for this to work out, even though I know that if their heart ends up not in this, then they are in fact not right for me. Half of me is devoted to trying my best to make this work, while the other half keeps "hedging my bets" -- coming up with reasons why we might not actually be compatible (which feels like post-hoc justification, because they didn't seem like "problems" until my partner dropped this bomb on me), not talking about us as a couple in front of friends and new acquaintances (because we may very well not be a couple much longer), etc.

Am I being stupid? Nuts? Has anyone gone through this kind of thing and actually had it work out? How do I keep being normal and loving with the doubt of "they kind of can't see me in their future" hanging over me? How do I "work" at this when there's nothing concrete to actually work on? (Ex, it's not like they said I lost my temper too much, and so I should go to anger management therapy or something.)

TL;DR:
- Partner tells me they might not really see me in their future.
- But they want us to keep dating and try, because they're not sure they don't see me in their future, and our relationship is otherwise very good.
- I have decided to stay because I love them and because wondering "what-if" is not acceptable to me.
- Have you been through something like this? How do I make it through the next months and stay sane?
- How do I balance my desire to "give it my all" (what's the point, otherwise?) with my inclination to pull back (out of an attempt to minimize suffering if we do break up)?
- What are things I (or we) can do to maximize our chance of success?

Thanks in advance, metafilter.

* In fact, I didn't want to officially move in, because I wanted to see how it would be when it was just the 2 of us, and I wanted to clarify where they thought the relationship was headed before making that kind of choice. Which is exactly what they did, actually. I should be careful what I ask for.

What is the best choice for this relationship?

kellybird — Sun, 09 Sep 2012 08:56:43 -0800

Should I tell the person I've dated that his time is up? 32 year old female here. I've been dating someone on and off for 11 months. He has been skittish and unsure that whole time about whether he wants to have a relationship with me. He spent probably half of that time figuring out things with his ex, semi-seriously dating at least one other person, and casually dating/sleeping-with a few others. None of this crossed any major ethical lines that I know of. He has regularly come knocking and said he misses me and likes me, but he hasn't had consistent follow through in this becoming a relationship.

One hesitation he brought up was that he did not have giddy feelings of infatuation with me as he had with his ex, and his strong feelings of love are/were intermittent. The last time we spoke and he said he liked me was ~3 weeks ago. The last time he became wishy washy and said he was figuring things out was ~1.5 weeks ago. We spent a lot of the spring apart because I had to be away for work. Last time we officially dated was in April, and last time we had a good relationship and spent significant time together was in February. Our other breaks have been primarily my choice, where he says he is unsure or unavailable, or is seeing someone else, and I say I'd better be out of contact so I can move on. We haven't had sex while we haven't been in a relationship. So far we've usually reconnected after a month or two.

I am at a point where if he doesn't follow through in the next month (which will bring things to a year since we met), the option is over. To me, "doesn't follow through" means dating someone new who is not me, and/or not asking me to meet up regularly with the purpose of deciding what we are to each other. Right now he and I have friendly relations and the lines of communication are open. He knows I like him.

My question is this: is it better to tell him that time is up in a month, or just make that internal decision and not bring it up in a conversation? FWIW, communication is typically fine and I have talked with him about my feelings in the past. The positives (obviously) are that we like each other a lot and are compatible, and have lots in common and an easy relationship. I think some of this hesitation is standard commitment fear, though some of may be that he's a douchebag or not into me or whatever, who knows, and none of it is necessarily solveable (at least not by me!).

Happy to provide any more clarification as you like.
Thanks!
(And gosh, I do feel a twinge of humiliation in even posting this.)

TL; DR: I pretty solidly feel that a guy I've dated on and off, for 11 months, has one more month until dating is no longer an option. Is this something I should bring up in a conversation, or just decide for myself?

How can I give romantic relationships a different place in my life?

Anonymous — Tue, 10 Jul 2012 06:28:15 -0800

How can I give romantic relationships a different place in my life? I have a friend who never gets jealous or insecure about anything in her monogamous (in that they do not have sex with other people) long-term relationship. She's said that if her partner ever wanted to sleep with other people, she would be okay with it. She's okay with him doing pretty much everything and anything regarding other women, sex, and attention, and he has done so (except for sex.) They are very very independent, regularly travel without one another, and spend a lot of time apart, but they do love each other and are considerate of one another when they do spend time together.

I have been in short term casual relationships with people where I was very indifferent to most of the things that bother me now. The only thing that would have bothered me or would have been considered a betrayal is lying. Romantic entanglements with other people would have been fine as long as I was not being cheated on, in the sense of it being hidden, and as long as I was still being treated with respect.

I have been in my current relationship for almost four years and I definitely would be unhappy if he slept with other people. There are other things too, that we do not do and that most couples do/are okay with (such as porn), because we are not interested in doing those things and also, I think, because of insecurity. It seems to be working, but I can't shake that I "should" be more okay and laid back. The friend that I spoke of earlier told me that there is no "should" and she's right, but I'm thinking that if I were truly secure and confident, then I would not need such commitment. My relationship has for all these years been a big part of my life, whereas in the past, my relationships were not a big part of my life. I didn't need their sole attention, because their company was simply a nice addition to my day. Now my relationship is headed towards marriage and children. Anthropologically, children require resources such as time and money, therefore my partner would be more heavily involved in my life and the child's life on a day to day basis. But this still doesn't mean that my partner doesn't have time for sex with other people especially when the child is older.

I just feel if I were more enlightened, rational, confident, etc. I would not need much really from my partner aside from respect and care during the time we do spend together. And the rest of the time, how does it really affect me what he is doing so long as he doesn't contract an STD or get someone else pregnant (which would take away resources)?

So even though there is no "should," there kind of is. I do think part of this is that I don't want to get hurt. Sometimes I think I might be relieved if my partner cheated on me so I could just forget about relationships in the way I have learned to view them since being in my current long term relationship and just go back to how I used to be before.

How I think I was before is because I kept my emotional distance, but maybe I could even learn to be very emotionally close and loving, so much so that I'd never ever want to limit my partner in any way, even if that meant losing him, whether on the weekend while he spends it with another woman, or permanently. I'd just be happy that he was happy (so long as I was not being physically or emotionally abused). I guess I'm feeling as if monogamy is a sign of weakness in myself, a sign of my insecurity. And I don't want to be insecure and I don't want to get hurt.

So I suppose the questions are: are there any books or websites on this topic? Do you have any experience navigating this issue within your own relationships?

Which works better, the carrot or the stick?

adamk — Tue, 20 Mar 2012 19:46:30 -0800

GroupCommitmentFilter: I've been trying to put together a large group of people to participate in an artistic performance-based hobby that they all claim to enjoy. I'm the group leader, and it feels like I'm herding cats when it comes to getting people to commit to attending training sessions so that our shows will be of a high quality. I'm constantly altering my plans so that the least experienced people aren't left behind. How can I get people to step up their game and commit to the group without alienating them? People who participate in after-work sports teams probably aren't professional athletes. People who participate in community theatre groups probably aren't professional actors. Still, there's always that one kickball team that has their shit together enough to dominate the league, or that local theatre production that is genuinely good despite the cast only rehearsing on occasional nights and weekends.

There's obviously individual skill involved in these activities, but a lot of the magic surely comes from dedication to the group and a shared goal.

I'm passionate about improvised comedy, and perform with a few ensembles that put on rather "safe" and "vanilla" shows. Some of my friends from these groups are just as passionate and talented as I am, and together we're trying to start a new ensemble that focuses on edgier, more unconventional shows. We have some friends and acquaintances who have no experience with this hobby, but are upbeat, funny people and are interested in the idea, and are willing to take direction and learn in order to put on a great show down the line.

So, I've been running weekly workshops with these people for the past few months. I teach for free, because I have no interest in making money off of these people. I'm in it because I'd like to bring the finished product to fruition. Unfortunately, some people don't seem to take a free workshop seriously.

As the teacher/director I haven't missed a single session in 4 months. I have some people who have been to every session, and a few who have just missed one or two due to illness or conflicts that they tell me about ahead of time. No problems there.

The problem comes from the fact that about half of my participants are unreliable, and don't seem to care. Almost every week, I get text messages a few hours before our training session like "oops, forgot I had a big assignment due tomorrow, sorry!" or "hey, forgot that I'm supposed to meet a friend for drinks tonight, sorry!", or "just gonna watch a movie tonight!". Basically, excuses that seem to result from a lack of poor planning and a lack of consequence about blowing off the training session.

It's so weird, because when people actually attend they have a great time and thoroughly enjoy themselves. We usually go for drinks after, and everyone raves about how much fun they've had. Anyone who doesn't enjoy is pretty good about flat-out QUITTING and letting me know that they want nothing to do with it.

So, I'm looking for ways to incentivize people to actually show up and participate. Some ideas and discoveries I've made:

- People who have actually performed in front of an audience get bitten by the bug and are far more interested in attending. There's a chicken-and-egg problem because the people who benefit the most from the training sessions are the people who have never performed in a real show before. When we have shows, those people aren't prepared to go on stage, because they haven't been training regularly with the group.

- I simply don't have enough dedicated people yet to tell the non-dedicated people to take a hike. Plus, a big part of my goal is to create NEW improvisers and get them on stage.

- There are currently no penalties for missing class. It's not like they forfeit a portion of their tuition money that they've pre-paid, or that they get put on "probation".

- In some groups I perform with, the penalty for missing a rehearsal is that you aren't allowed to perform in the next show, but that only works because we have a talent pool that is much larger than the minimum number of people to do a show. In this case I need every warm body I can get.

- I'm not out to make a profit, so I initially shied away from charging tuition. Additionally, I feel like some very talented people wouldn't want to pay tuition, or couldn't afford it.

- Some people have suggested that I take money from participants as a deposit, and then refund it if they prove themselves to be dedicated. For instance, that I take $100 from everyone. As soon as they hit some milestone like attending 5 consecutive workshops in a row, I refund it. If they don't hit the goal, they don't get their money back. I'm strongly considering this.

- Additionally, in the interest of attracting new members, we had the idea that newcomers could have 1 or 2 "trial" weeks to see if they like what we're doing before being required to dedicate themselves to the cause.

Any great ideas or anecdotes, oh hive mind? These are my friends, not evil bastards.

I just want them to respect what they claim they're interested in doing, and to take a supposedly fun thing a bit more seriously. I worry that if I start making ultimatums or too many rules I'll alienate everyone completely and be left with nothing.

How do I love better?

Anonymous — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 17:05:56 -0800

I really don't want to end up alone. What can I start doing to break this generational cycle? I’m scared of ending up alone. I know this is a common fear, but I feel like mine is founded in generations of unsatisfied, lonely, women. I was raised by my mom and grandmother, and while they were both independent, intelligent, and attractive, neither of them ever settled into a long-term, loving partnership. The consensus on metafilter usually tends to be “don’t worry if you haven’t found that person yet, date and do OKcupid and you will find love!” but I’m really wary about embracing that optimism. My mom and grandma dated and never found a person that they wanted to settle down with, and I’m worried that there’s something about us that impedes us from wanting to commit, some attitude or behavior or something that I’m not quite aware of, but want to identify so that I can work on it.

I think part of what contributed to their chronic singledom, and seems to be affecting my pattern in relationships as well, is the lack of a strong drive/need to be coupled. They were both very independent women, as am I, and while this is a good thing I also worry that it thwarts any urge to fully commit. I once had a girlfriend (I’m bisexual) say to me that my independence intimidated her. When I asked her what she meant, she said that it seemed like I didn’t NEED anyone. That resonated because it feels true – I get lonely but I would never stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of having someone. What worries me is that maybe my definition of unhappy is too broad. Maybe my expectations about a happy, healthy, relationship are unrealistic, or maybe I didn’t learn to put up with the hardships of a relationship in order to reap the benefits.

I really want to settle down at some point. I’m in my late twenties, entering grad school in the next year or two, and would like to start a family in the next ten years. In my early-mid twenties I felt okay about ending relationships because we fought too much, or were sexually incompatible, or because none of my friends liked the girl who had a hard time respecting boundaries. And these all still seem like valid reasons to end something, but I wonder if any relationship will ever really be free of this crap? I know there will be things I don’t like about any person, and hard times in a relationship, and I’m okay with that, I just worry that I don’t have a good gauge of dealbreakers, or that I’m too optimistic that I’ll find someone more compatible.

I think in a way metafilter and okcupid may fuel this optimism. The standard response to unhappy-relationship questions is to end it and trust that you’ll find someone better. And online dating offers this world of possibilities so that it appears that you’ll never lack for dates again. But I’m starting to feel like this is all a paradox of choice, like there are too many possibilities open to us, so that we will never be happy with the choice we do make. I really don’t want to fall into that trap but I think I’m already there. I’m scared of never feeling satisfied with anyone.

I just want to feel like I am capable of a long-term, committed, stable, loving relationship, and I don’t feel right now like I am. I’m in therapy, my therapist says that I partner well, and she seems to support the reasons that I’ve had for breaking up with people. But I’m always the one breaking up with people, I’m tired of hurting them, and I’m getting scared to date anyone because I feel like it’s just a matter of time before I’ll feel unsatisfied and antsy. I’m scared that I’m too picky, too independent, or incapable of loving long and hard.

How can I get to a place where I am more open to commitment on an emotional level? I want it so bad on a rational level – I want a family, I want a life-partner – but emotionally I just never feel really invested. How can I avoid feeling like I’m ‘settling’ if I don’t find anyone that makes me feel otherwise? I would rather settle than be alone forever (again rationally, not emotionally. Emotionally I want to leave a relationship as soon as I feel like I’m settling, but rationally I want to commit to someone and not think about what other possibilities could be). How do I adjust my expectations of both myself and my partner so that I feel comfortable committing, so that I can handle relationship hurdles, and so that I don’t get the urge to flee when things go awry? And how can I learn to feel more sure in the person that I do choose to be with? I wish these things would fall into place naturally for me like they seem to for many people, that I would find love and that all of this would feel redundant, but I feel like maybe that’s just not the way it’s going to happen for me, and like maybe I have to do a lot of work on myself if I’m going to be able to commit to someone long-term.

How to distinguish relationship doubts from a complicated history?

Anne Onymouse — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 06:20:29 -0800

I've been with a wonderful man for 4 years and I'm panicking about ending the relationship for no good reason. I still get smiley when he texts me and he makes me laugh, he's gorgeous, but I have these sudden adrenalin rushes and an overwhelming panicky feeling that I have to end the relationship immediately. I asked for three weeks apart to clear my head, and we made it to two before I wanted him here again... but the panicking is back! This is the longest relationship I've ever had, the next longest all ended after a year after I started behaving complacently, picking on them for silly things. I did the same with my current boyfriend but he took it on the chin and stuck around. We had a long distance relationship for three and a half years then last summer he moved in with me. Throughout the relationship I’ve developed stupid crushes on TOTALLY inappropriate men, but I suspect this is more of an obsessive thing rather than anything real.

First few months were great, then a slight nagging doubt started, which has blown up into something I feel like I can barely control. I can be happy and life is great then a thought like 'don't drink at the party tonight or you'll dump him' will enter my head for no reason and I'm thrown back into panicking. I got worried I'd do something silly so I asked him to move out for three weeks. During that time I tried to make plans to keep busy, I work part time so I've found ways to fill my day more and I've started seeing a counsellor. I was really optimistic when he moved back in but the doubt came back yesterday. No sleep last night and I feel sick. Sleep has been a little thin on the ground lately!

He has been unwaveringly supportive, affectionate and understanding. I've never hidden anything from him, he knows exactly how I feel and how much it's confusing me. He's not pressuring me to do anything, but there is no doubt he loves me (which is pressure in itself). My parents split when I was 6 and I don't really remember having any families around as a child that didn't end in divorce. Any thoughts or experience anyone may have would be great. I can't help but wonder (hope) this is a result of my childhood and we can work through it as I don't want to imagine life without him.

Are we wrong for each other or too scared to try?

Anonymous — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 15:36:51 -0800

My partner and I feel comfortable and safe in our relationship, and we feel love for one another. But we are sexually unfulfilled, and to a smaller extent emotionally and/or intellectually troubled. How do we know whether to break up or to work at it? This is long, and introspective, and dry, and I'm sorry for that. I don't feel very lighthearted right now.

My partner and I have been together for 4 years. These years have been the happiest either of us has ever been, but we're now faced with the terrible cliché that "love is not enough."

We both entered in to the relationship with low self-esteem and a lack of confidence. She, because of bad relationships, trauamatic childhood and experiences with depression. Me, because of having no previous romantic relationships, and at one time suffering from serious social anxiety.

We carved a safe life for ourselves with one another, by taking it slow and supporting each other. Our sex life has never been great, bordering on non-existant. We tend to go months without any sexual interaction. I have always been dissastisfied with this, but was so afraid of losing her (or being alone) that I didn't challenge it. To begin with, she didn't care, as she was simply happy to be with someone and develop other aspects of the relationship.

We are now both dissatisfied with this situation, but there are still a lot of anxieties, a lack of experience, and a lack of passion to contend with. We've built the relationship on a foundation of childlike comfort and safety, and sex seems incongruous with that.

There are also other problems with dropping emotional fulfillment. My partner has depression, which takes up a lot of the relationship's time. She's also very open and sharing with her interests, and reliant on me for most of her social interaction. I'm more closed and private, and get a lot of my social fulfillment from friends. I'm also timid, and so don't share my interests.

This creates a horrible imbalance, where my partner feels like the relationship is too much about her and that she's missing out on a deeper connection with me. Equally, I feel unfulfilled because my emotional needs aren't being paid as much attention as my partner's, and our world is so much about her interests.

None of these problems feel like anyone's fault, but like an unfortunate clash of personality types and neuroses.

We've talked about some of these problems over the years, but in the past week have begun to face them more head on. We talk about the issues and we talk about working on them, via therapy or other routes.

But these conversations always seem to steer towards splitting up. This might be to do with how hard and frightening the problems are, and our desperate need for closure to end the pain and confusion of uncertainty.

When we do start to seriously imagine splitting up - and the loss of our lives, our potential future together, and all we provide for one another - we both end up in tears. It seems so painful. We are so comfortable and secure together, and enjoy each other's company, and hug a lot. We are best friends.

But we still keep steering the conversation towards the reasons why the relationship isn't working, and the ways it might never work. We consider that staying together might be forever denying ourselves a fulfilling sexual life. I consider that I might never have another relationship if we don't split up, and this scares me. We are both scared of distracting ourselvse through decades of these issues persisting, and denying ourselves the opportunity to grow as people or to be fulfilled.

And we consider whether what we have is enough, and whether we'd regret the decision to break up for the rest of our lives because we have so much that is wonderful.

We go round and round, and so I'm hoping other people might have some advice or experiences to share. I have a throwaway email address at nixontintin@gmail.com. Thanks for reading!

Help me be okay with non-commitment.

DoubleLune — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 20:44:09 -0800

I've been dating a guy for a few months who is really awesome -- but not ready for a relationship. How do I deal with this? I've been dating this guy a few months and I really like him. Comparing him to past guys I've dated, he has a lot going for him. He's the first guy I've been with who I really feel like myself around. Communication is good. Most of the time everything is cool.

But there's this thing where he's not ready to commit, for various reasons. Part of it is he's in grad school and vowed when he started to not get into a relationship because in the past this affected his grades. The other big one is that he wanted some time to be single and have fun after being in relationships for the past several years.

I am, I think, ready for a relationship (if anyone feels like stalking my past AskMes, you will understand). I wasn't planning on getting into a relationship, but I was also at the point where I was sick of dating. I've been doing stuff to really be okay on my own after my last major breakup (including going back to school to get my B.A. in English for my dream career!) I had decided "if the right guy comes along, great. If not, oh well." And then this guy came along.

I'm usually one to jump into a relationship, but I've been mostly okay with not being exclusive with this guy. It's kind of been a security blanket for my fears about getting hurt -- but I'm in deep enough that I could get hurt now, so that's kind of irrelevant anymore. I think I'm at the point where I either need a relationship or need to move on -- but I don't want to stop dating him! I don't know that he's the right guy for me in the long term, but he could be, and I want to see where things go.

My main concern is that I know it took me a couple years of being single and dating around and having fun to get sick of that and be at a point where a relationship would be the right thing for me. I feel like he still needs to have the time to do that. And I'm concerned that that difference is going to make this not work.

Oh -- important note -- we have talked about this, and I basically told him if there wasn't a chance of it going anywhere, he needed to tell me. He wants to see where it goes, and he also said he feels like he's *almost* ready to commit... but that was a month ago. I don't want to force him into something that he's really not ready for, because I don't want him always feeling like he's not sure, or something. I've seen enough RomComs to know better :)

So here's my main question: I want to feel okay with dating him but not being in a committed relationship. What can I do to make myself be ok with this? Generally I have been going through stages of backing off emotionally, but then that pulling back makes me testy around him, and I don't like that. I want to be genuinely okay with it.

#NotThankful for your seemingly endless bliss and my resulting jealousy. Or your dumb twitter #hashtag.

Anonymous — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 16:29:13 -0800

When you're in a long term relationship or marriage, how do you deal with feelings of jealousy of other couples seemingly endless "honeymoon phase"? Been with my boyfriend for 3+ years, living together for over a year. I love him very much and he loves me very much back . He is a great partner for me that is loving, supportive, funny, and keeps me on my toes. He both challenges me and is my partner in crime. We share similar thoughts on life and how we want to live it, and hope in coming years to get married. I'm 30.

Recently on twitter someone I follow tweeted the following about her marriage: "#thankful for our "honeymoon phase" that doesn't seem to be ending anytime um.. ever."

Enter the green-eyed monster.

I found myself immediately begrudging this poor girl her happiness. Hoping that there were secret things wrong with their relationship, or that she'd freak out one day when her honeymoon period DID end and it would be their demise. My mind was saying things like "I bet she's going to get a rude awakening when she comes down from cloud nine to discover her husband... [enter any general long term relationship complaint here]." I was really hoping that their current bliss was somehow a signal of impending doom. Which is awful. To make matters worse, she is not a random twitter stranger, but a casual acquaintance who I actually like very much. She is 23 and has been married less than a year, but based on her Facebook page seems to have been with her now husband for at least a couple years, so its not like they've had some crazy whirlwind romance. They easily could have been together as long (or longer) than my bf and I.

My man and I, while we definitely enjoyed a honeymoon phase in our first year or so, never had a really crazy strong infatuation. It was more just a slow growing love. We were definitely more mushy and honeymoon-ish in our first year, and now we're just very comfortable 3+years in. I would say the "honeymoon" phase per se is over. I get jealous though, of that idea of being head over heels and crazy infatuated and head over heels for your partner at several years in... of her never-ending honeymoon phase.

So, those of you who are in committed long term relationships... how do you deal with these feelings of jealousy, or of wishing you had more of what someone else has in your relationship.

I am not looking for advice to breakup with the bf just to chase that feeling, because I know we have a great meaningful relationship that overall makes me quite happy. This is not my first long term relationship either, so I do know that those infatuation/honeymoon feelings come and go and do not inherently = love.

I just want to know how you cope when that mega-uber-happy-couple jealousy rears its head. How you keep it from making you insecure about your relationship? And how do you keep from wishing ill-will toward the happy couple? How do you keep the feelings of "oh god, what if they're just magically happier & more in love than we'll ever be?" in check?

What am I doing wrong in my relationships?

Anonymous — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 08:24:39 -0800

Why do my relationships enter the LET'S MAKE THIS A SERIOUS COMMITMENT I WANT TO SPEND MY LIFE WITH YOU stage at an absurdly rapid pace? I used to think this was a kind of charming quirk, but my apparent inability to slow things down in order to determine the suitability of my partner has begun to concern me a bit. Special snowflake details inside. First, I'm 23 and female.

In the spring of 2010, I was seeing a guy who told me within the first three days that he could see himself spending the rest of his life with me. At the time, I thought this was a sweet declaration, and if I'm honest with all of you and with myself, I probably felt the same way. Things ended up not working out, and we barely talk anymore. Looking back, I have NO idea what I saw in him at all - we're not really at similar points in life, though we're the same age, and things would never have worked out long term. His early declaration of love should definitely have been a red flag, but I found it charming.

Then this past summer, I became involved with another dude who declared that he loved me the very night we met. This scared me a little bit, but he was incredibly convincing. He turned out to be married with a young child, and I have ceased contact. Again, I should have been freaked out by how strongly he came on, but he made me feel special and wanted.

Most recently, I've been seeing a guy who seems really nice and genuine, but on some level, I'm afraid he's dicking me around. We met about two weeks ago, and already he's discussing taking a vacation together soon and various other Serious Relationship type plans. This is all fine, except for the niggling voice that tells me the previous guys seemed "nice and genuine" too, and I was quickly sucked into a too-good-to-be-true fantasy relationship which quickly fizzled. I guess it's just hard for me to tell if this is real, or if it's like previous attempts at a relationship.

Anyway, the only consistent factor in all of my relationships is me. I'm beginning to wonder if I give off some kind of needy distress vibe which causes these men to come on really strong. I had a (very) difficult childhood and worry that my ability to form healthy relationships has suffered as a consequence.

What is it about my approach to relationships that causes this to happen? How can I take a step back and be a little more objective during the early days of seeing someone?

Can I get a jump?

erstwhile — Sat, 15 Oct 2011 21:46:41 -0800

I feel like I'm stuck in that awkward phase of a relationship between dating and when things become serious. I'm ready for something more. I'm not sure my boyfriend is, and I'm concerned. Snowflakes abound. We've been together for a year now. It's been about ten months since we had the "exclusive" conversation (though neither of us dated around in the early days of our relationship), and about eight months since we started saying "I love you." This is the first long term relationship (as in, lasting more than a couple of months) for both of us. He's 30 and I'm 28.

During the week, he will text me every morning before work, which is very sweet of him. We see each other almost every day -- usually for dinner and then something nice like a walk afterwards. We really enjoy cooking together, and I appreciate the time spent together, as does he. He does seem to make forward-thinking plans for us on occasion. We went on vacation together, which required about 2 months of forethought. For my birthday (in September) he bought us theater tickets for a show in late November. It's reassuring to know that he does sometimes make long-term plans involving us, together.

We have sex on average once a week, which honestly is not as much as I would like. That considered, I know he is very busy and stressed between his work and volunteering obligations (church councilmember), and he has a naturally slower drive than I do. This is something that I know he's actively working on, so I try not to get upset about it, though I do have moments of frustration.

He is very close with his parents, and in particular with his mother. He talks to her on the phone nightly for on average 30 minutes, and he sees her nearly every week (they live an hour away). He has not told his mother about our relationship. I have asked him why he keeps it from her, and he says that his mother is hard to please and would make our relationship challenging. While I trust his judgment to an extent, it makes me uncomfortable to know that he's the one making the decision for his mother, and I have half an inkling that he doesn't want to tell her about me because he's not ready to validate our relationship by telling his family members. This situation causes me a bit of anxiety, because I'm not fond of being kept a secret, especially considering the closeness of their relationship.

Another big issue for me is that, in a year, we have only slept (as in actually sleeping) together five times. Three of those times were while we were on vacation, and went without incident. The other two times were at his house, after we had been out drinking with friends, and essentially just consisted of us passing out and waking up hung over. I have pressed him a few times about spending the night together, because it's something that I really would like to work on to further establish our intimacy and closeness, but I'm always met with pretty quick refusal and almost no empathy. I can't get a straight answer out of him as to why he doesn't want me to stay over, he just tells me that we have to build up to that and take it slowly. This has been the line for about 6 months now, and it's starting to become a concern.

He smokes. He never volunteered to me that he was a smoker early in our relationship. I found out about two months in when I found cigarettes in one of his cupboards and asked him about them. I don't have an issue with it. He doesn't smoke around me, and really only does it in his garage where nobody can see him. I don't know how much he smokes (he won't tell me). It's fairly obvious some nights that he's ready for me to leave so that he can go haev a cigarette and decompresss. I can understand his need for a stress relief, but the way he goes about it makes me feel like a roadblock. And sometimes I wonder that if I hadn't found the cigarettes, that I still wouldn't know he was a smoker. Insignificant that he smokes, but concerning that he would keep it from me.

The last thing, and this may be slightly minor, but it's still a little confusing to me, is that he won't ever let me pay for anything and gets slightly upset if I buy him gifts. Whenever we go out, he pays. I'm certainly not complaining about this because it's very kind of him to pay for everything... but on the opposite side of the coin, I feel like at times, he does it because he does not want to feel indebted to me in any way, so that he always has an upper hand in our relationship.

Whenever I try to discuss relationship topics with him, he gets visibly agitated to the point where I can tell he's uncomfortable. Any questions I ask are usually met with indifference or "I don't know" answers. He's told me that in his family, they don't talk about stuff unless it's "very serious" and he usually processes his emotions internally. I'm the opposite and would like to be able to talk through our miscues, even if they aren't all that pressing. But these conversations really don't end with either of us happy, so I tend to avoid them at this point, but the result from that is that I end up having to come to conclusions on my own and, well, here I am asking for insight on the internet.

I really do love him, and would love for our relationship to grow up a bit to where he's comfortable having me around for more than a few hours at a time. Every day that I see him, it feels like just another date, but not quite like we're in a serious relationship yet. After a year, I'm starting to get concerned and a little uneasy. His walls are holding steady.

And just to be clear - I'm not asking for marriage or anything like it. I'm just ready for a little bit more intimacy and trust, which I think are the biggest validation to a strong relationship. I am happy for what we do have, don't get me wrong. But I'm just ready for a little more, and waiting is difficult, especially when it feels like my boyfriend is content to drag his feet.

So what do you folks think? I know it's already a big wall of text, but I can try to elaborate on any topic if needed. Oy, relationships are complicated.

Commitment Ceremonies 101

divabat — Thu, 22 Sep 2011 09:23:52 -0800

Commitment ceremonies: how do you do them? Particularly - how do you explain the idea to family? My partner and I have been together for just over five years, with the relationship being open (I'm queer and occasionally see other women; he's working on seeing other women too) for the last two. It's been working great so far and we're in it for the long haul.

Recently we've been talking about having some sort of party or ceremony to recognise the journey we've been on, the deep love and companionship we hold for each other, and to celebrate that with the people we care for the most. (Personally I feel that people make an effort to show up to weddings rather than other social events!) However, the idea of marriage/a wedding gives us the heebee-jeebees. His parents are divorced, which has tainted the idea of marriage for him; I find issues with the assumption of exclusive commitment.

We thought about possibly having a commitment ceremony - essentially like a wedding, but without the legal marriage paperwork. While we both like the idea, we're stuck on how to explain it to our families (really, mine, since they're from a more traditional Asian culture; his is pretty liberal). I tried to ask my aunt about it as a test and she replied "How do you have a wedding without the registration? That's not a wedding!"

We live in an area that has de facto laws, so technically we don't even really need to legally marry to get most benefits since we're de facto already. Trying to explain that to said aunt was a little confusing though; she was wondering about how I wouldn't be so sure that he wouldn't cheat on me or run away with the house and all that. (I'm very sure he wouldn't!) And to be honest we're still a little confused ourselves, especially as it relates to visas (I'm applying for Permanent Residency and we were wondering whether a visa based on marriage makes it easier since my app's been in limbo for yonks).

People love him, my family adore him and keep asking when we'll get married, if we did get married we'd probably get "ABOUT TIME" as a response. Yet I don't really want to have to stand in front of my family and go "the reason we're not exclusive is because I am a lesbian whose love of my life happens to be a man, and we've both found that you can be dedicated and committed to each other without needing to limit the sex to each other. Oops, TMI!" I want the celebration, I want my loved ones to be there with us, I want the recognition and validation - I just don't want the hassle.

Have you made it work? How did you get around traditional/conservative ideas of relationships? How do you deal with possibly disappointing your father because he's not going to "give you away", or with confusing everyone because there's no paper to sign? Is there a way to keep everyone happy?

(I feel quite a few people would say "just do what you want to do, screw family"; however, for me, commitment ceremonies of any kind have always had family as a major factor - a blending of families and cultures, in our case. I would like to respect them while also keeping true to ourselves.)

I think I need to communicate, but how?

queens86 — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 17:08:34 -0800

New guy moving away in a few weeks--how do I tell him what I think? I posted a question a few weeks ago about a guy I wasn’t head-over-heels for, asking if I should keep dating him or let him go. I kept dating him, and lo and behold, just when I started to get stronger feelings for him, he announces he is moving across the country at the end of the month for a job opportunity.

Bear with me, because this question might get confusing. I’m not exactly sure what I’m asking. Basically, I felt super confident and sure that he was really into me for the first two or three weeks of dating. Now, the past week or two, I have gotten more attached to him, and that security has been shaken a bit, not aided I am sure by the fact that he is about to move 3,000 miles away and I have no idea what he thinks will happen between us…

Practically, I know it’s not reasonable to start up some big-commitment long-distance thing. I personally am still not SO sure about him that I am ready to commit myself to him across such a big distance, and with no plans to live in the same city soon… but at the same time, I really, really like him and I am not ready to say that’s the end forever, either.

He is the most considerate, kindest, sweetest person I have ever dated. I still feel totally comfortable with him, we make each other laugh, and he always seems to know exactly what I want and then gives it to me. We see each other a lot: more or less every other day, except the past week we hung out every day til today. I still don’t have crazy butterflies but my doubts have shrunk considerably. Maybe these guys are crawling all over the place, but having dated mostly not-very-nice guys, I wouldn’t know it …

The city he is moving to is one I was seriously considering moving to several months ago, and one I can easily see myself in within the next year or two. I just made a big move two months ago so I’m not ready for another change yet, but when I am ready I can see myself in this city. I am young and have no real attachments. I would like to go visit him after he moves but he hasn’t asked me to yet … he has asked me to drive cross-country with him when he moves but nothing after that.

So, my problem is, what do I or do I not say about the “future” of what we’re doing? He hasn’t really brought it up… and I did text him the other day and say “I hope you don’t forget about me after you move” to which he said “I won’t forget about you… but is this really something you want to talk about?” Which in my mind, sort of means, let’s not be so serious about this …

For all I know, he could be not even considering seeing where it goes, and planning on not talking to me at all once he’s gone. It is very impractical. But if he is just planning on moving and not talking to me any more, I don’t really see why I am continuing to see him and getting more attached now. I could be dating other guys who will stay in my city and putting an end to any future-oriented fantasizing. I wouldn’t be spending so much time with him and letting myself get more invested.

I don’t want a serious long-distance commitment, but I’d like to stay in contact and leave the door open in case we do end up in the same place, and I’d like to go visit at some point (I have other friends in the city). I’m scared he just plans on moving and basically disappearing from my life forever. I’m at the point where I can’t really get more attached to him without actually being hurt if that happens. He wants to go away together this weekend, and I’m not sure if I’d do that if I knew he saw his moving as a total end to “us.”

Should I bring this up with him? I don’t want to put pressure on, freak him out, make him think I am ready to get married, etc. I feel like I should just chill out and see what happens, but I don’t want to develop stronger feelings for someone who sees absolutely no possible future with me. Is the fact that I even feel the need to bring this up a sign that I can tell he’s less invested than I am at this point?

Anyway, I am starting to feel somewhat insecure about this, and I don’t know if that’s natural and I should talk to him about it to clarify what will happen when he moves, or if I should just keep quiet and try to stop worrying about it. He obviously likes me—he texts me throughout the day, he wants to see me a lot, we joke about it when we do “coupley” things, and he tells me he really likes me. I feel on the one hand like I should just let it run its course and see what happens when he moves, but I also on the other hand feel like it’s important to know if we are at least somewhat headed in a similar direction…

Basically, I’m not sure if this is something I should discuss with him or how to do it without coming across as a needy mess.

Thanks!

How not to people-please your way to relationship angst

Anonymous — Sat, 27 Aug 2011 10:08:29 -0800

How do those who tend to people-please stay honest with their feelings and needs in romantic relationships? I want to avoid becoming overwhelmed and disoriented after about half a year or so, which seems to happen again and again. I feel like the desire to be loved and to 'do good' and 'be good' has, historically and currently, overshadowed my sense of appreciation for the person who I'm with. I fear that I select people to date who do not move or challenge me in the sense that 'I am enamored with everything this person is and must build a connection with them,' but rather, respond mostly to the feeling of being liked and appreciated by someone else. I'm not trying to knock the people that I love and have loved -- I always find myself surprised by the beauty of people, and what we can share in a relationship. I just fear the foundation of romantic love (in the sense that I have practiced and understood it) comes from an unbalanced place -- I often feel like 'if I lost this relationship, that'd be okay -- but it'd be devastating for this other person, so I should keep at it.' I hate creating imbalances of power, but I guess that's what I do; I'm always the one to break things off.

I don't like this. It seems pointless at best, destructive and self-defeating at worst. I end up being plagued by guilt, a sense of failing others, all of this junk. Shame. For what it's worth, my mom has a very strong people-pleasing streak in her; I'm also a child of an alcoholic household with emotional abuse and codependency stuff that went on.

I'd like to hear from others who have been down in these mental-trenches of doubt, and simultaneously committed to being good and loving another and ashamed of the shallowness and one-sidedness of that love, in a sense. Should I get out of my head and be grateful for what I have and concentrate more on gratitude and the beauty of others? Should I be harder on myself and only consider relationships that truly move me and challenge me? Am I protecting myself too much?

As we have a short life.. we have limited resources

Anonymous — Wed, 24 Aug 2011 12:56:10 -0800

Getting over the fear of committing time and money into a relationship if we aren't promised it will stand the test of time? Background info :
> I grew up in a loving enviroment. My parents ran away together and got married at 16 and have been together +30 years, happily married. I think because of this my idea of a relationship was warped. All the important couples in my life (aunts and uncles, godparents) have a similar story. They all left Mexico for the US, the women all depend on their spouse, both work and provide for the family, women do housework.. pretty traditional.
> So in 2006 I started dating B, and we were in love. He made MAJOR sacrifices to win me over and being Salvadorian having met his extended family they seemed pretty similiar to mine so I thought he had the same concept of a relationship. We'd sacrifice but dedicate ourselves entirely to our relationship.
> 2011, B cheated on me by (soberly and fully aware of what he wa doing) making out with two girls that we had gone to college with when he went to our alma mater to visit our friends without me.
> I, [who had been paying ALL the bills, picking up ALL the tabs EVERYTIME we went out, CLOTHES for him, letting him live for FREE at home with me (no bills, sometimes groceries) rent free] kicked him the hell out.
> But I lost thousands of dollars, which in one way or another, "invested" in B and our relationship (I spent the money thinking later after we'd get married he'd support me)
> I lost 2.5 years of my life
> I'm really tramatized and hesitant in investing so much in anyone.

So now my questions:
Being in a new relationship with new guy, D, I only see him 1-2 times a week, because it's a 30-40 min drive to his place, 30-40 drive back which is A LOT for me, since I have a PACKED M-F schedule.

After a confrontation with B, D refuses to come to my house.. he needs time to get over it (B threatened D, but it was all just for show tho D wont get over it). Okay. I'll give him that time to get over it but D has been hounding me to come up more frequently. He wants 4-5 times a week and to spend the night there many nights. I'm still tramatized from all the money and time I wasted with B, that even tho D is amazing and really good for me (and he actually pays when we go out!), I just can't seem to get over this trama... I am insecure about everything. I almost feel like I'd need D to ask me to marry him before I can really dedicate the time he wants because of these other fears that are constantly in the back of my mind.

Does this make sense? How can I get over this? I told D to give me time.. but he says he's given me 2-3 months worth of time and he wants to get to the next step in our relationship.. I just feel really burned and dont trust my judgment, since I thought I went about it the correct way (according the magic formula of my happy family couples)..

Bleh :( I feel miserable. I hope I explained myself well enough and will respond to any questions.

What happens when you marry someone you love but aren't deeply "in love" with?

Anonymous — Fri, 22 Jul 2011 10:46:01 -0800

Have you (or someone you know well) loved someone but weren't "in love" with them (had a strong, warm, happy relationship but one that wasn't very intense, passionate, etc) and gotten married/been in a long-term partnership? Did it matter that you weren't "in love" exactly? If it led to problems, what were they? Above the fold is the basic question, feel free to skip all the long personal background information below and just answer!

I've been dating my boyfriend for six years (we're both in our late 20s and it's the first really serious long-term relationship for both of us.) We love each other very much, are great friends, are very affectionate, have a lot of fun together, make each other happy, respect each other, are really compatible in ways big and small, etc. He's a wonderful person, and my life is better and happier because we're together. (And because I know people are going to ask, our sex life is fine and we're both satisfied with it.) The only issue is that our relationship is and has always been more warm-and-fuzzy-and-comfortable than intense and passionate, without butterflies or sparks.

He's been ready to get married for years now-- I've been reluctant, partially because I am an extremely indecisive person who agonizes over even small decisions let alone big ones like this, partially because I've really struggled with the lack of that intense in-love feeling (which I am mostly familiar with from a series of major crushes-- including several that occurred while dating my boyfriend, although none for the last couple years-- and a single dizzying short relationship that ultimately was not terribly substantial and flamed out.) Over the last few years, though, the importance of that feeling to me has faded gradually, although not completely disappeared... and my comfort level with the idea of marrying him "eventually" has gradually grown, although I still felt somewhat panicky and trapped thinking about actually finalizing the decision in the short-term. (He knows all of this stuff, by the way. He thinks we're a great couple, and that passion fades and is overrated, and that divorce is a risk worth taking, and he's willing to wait, at least for now, for me to be ready.)

Then last month, I finally got the gut feeling, "Yes. We should do this. I am ridiculously lucky to have a wonderful relationship with a wonderful guy who wants to marry me. So what if I can think of other things I'd like to have in this relationship but don't, including feeling really "in love"? There are so many fantastic things about him and us, why on earth would I throw that away to start hunting for someone else who I feel in-love with but who'll surely be missing some of these other wonderful things? It's not worth it, I'm happy with what I've got and I'm ready to stop waffling and commit to this path, this future, this partner. I want to marry him." I decided that night I wanted to wait at least a month before telling him this, in case the feeling went away, since the sense of confidence and readiness was so new and different. But it stayed pretty strong for the whole month, and I was getting pretty excited about getting engaged and getting married-- right up until last weekend, when I hit my deadline for when I could tell him, and then the nervousness overcame me. A whole bunch of what-ifs kept jumping up in my brain. I can still feel that gut feeling of rightness about the idea of getting married, but it seems tiny and distant and overwhelmed by this anxiousness and doubt.

And the biggest doubts are around this feeling that this is not what marriage is "supposed" to be like. I'm supposed to be crazy about him. I'm supposed to not be able to imagine myself without him or with anyone else. I'm supposed to want those wedding readings that everyone else has, full of the intensity of love and the amazing joy of getting to spend the rest of your life together, rather than feeling unnatural and insincere when I imagine reading those and wishing I could use Not Love Perhaps without it feeling like that's the wrong sentiment for a wedding. I'm supposed to feel powerfully "in love" with him, not just warm and fuzzy and happy. Part of me is ready to dismiss that as watching too much Hollywood, reading too many love stories. But a little voice says "Don't kid yourself. You know they're not just pulling that out of thin air. You've seen plenty of smart, real-life people on AskMe say that it's a mistake to stay with/marry someone you love but aren't "in love" with. It may be over-dramatized in fiction, but that doesn't mean there's not a real reason why it's important to feel that way about your spouse." And I worry that marrying him would maybe be irresponsible, would be setting him and me and maybe our future children up for a painful divorce, where I should've known better because everything in society was telling me I didn't feel the "right way" and I didn't listen. (Of course, postponing making a decision because I'm worrying about making the "wrong decision" that I'll realize I "should've known better" about is a broader issue for me, and one I'm working on in therapy...)

I'm not asking whether we should get married, that's not a question for Internet strangers. I'm not really asking about whether I should wait awhile until I feel more comfortable to move ahead, or whether I ought to swallow my anxiety and make myself jump off the diving board, so to speak (although I wouldn't reject advice about that, either!)

What I really want to know is-- do you think, from personal experience, that it's problematic to marry/partner with someone you're not "in love" with exactly? If your relationship is good and strong but without a lot of spark? And if so, what specifically are the problems you've seen it caused, for you or someone you know? I'd really like to know the details. I know there are some people here who've said they married someone they weren't in love with, and it was a mistake, and they got divorced. It would be really helpful for me to hear your analysis of what happened. I want to try to understand the underlying dynamics of how this has been problematic for other people, so I can think more about whether it's something to be concerned about for us, or something just to remember to keep an eye on, or something that's totally irrelevant to us. (Of course, I would also really really love to hear stories about people who didn't have that traditional in-love feeling and are still happily with with their partner!)

I would prefer more focus on the emotional side of things and less on the "but the sex won't be as good" angle, if possible-- I know that sex is an important part of a healthy relationship, and if that's really the key issue you've seen destroy relationships then by all means mention it, but our sex life is fine and I don't really care much about the range between an okay sex life and a fantastic sex life, it's just not that important an issue for me.

Dating when 30 is like being 12 all over again. Seriously.

Anonymous — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 07:21:24 -0800

Need advice before I accidentally sabotage this awesome new potential relationship. I'm a 30 year old female who HAD been dating a 35 year old guy for about 8 months when we broke up in March. That breakup was horrible because he essentially out of the blue up and told me that he could never see himself falling in love with me because he's afraid of committment. This was completely out of nowhere - we had even just returned from a really romantic, incredible vacation together. The relationship had been progressing too - we had met the families, friends, traveled and I was falling in love. Needless to say, I was totally devastated. However, I got over it, got through it, took a little time off and have recently started putting myself out there again in the past month because I do feel ready for dating. I started doing some online dating with no real prospects, but that's ok. I know these things take time, so I'm just trying to keep relaxed about it and enjoy the summer and being single while I can.

Anyway, about three weeks ago I managed to meet this 33 year old guy while attending a random sporting event. We ended up hanging out at the event together (by accident really) and had a great time. We exchanged info and we ended up going out for dinner a week later. A week after that we had dinner again. He's awesome and I can't find a single thing wrong with him (nor am I looking, but just noting this, in fact, it's pretty amazing). I've been over to his place and while he hasn't seen my place, we have very similar living styles and habits. The other evening he invited me out to grab drinks with a few of his friends and when I got there, I realized that it was kind of a double-date, so that was kind of awesome as well (he hasn't met any of my friends yet). So let's see...that would be three dates plus the time we hung out when we first met...we had sex for the first time together after the recent double date and that was pretty incredible as well (thank goodness). We have plans for later this week too; a fun activity together on Thursday and then he's coming with me to my friend's party on Friday (and will probably end up seeing my place as well).

Anyway! All of this sounds wonderful and like it's progressing well, I know, and that's the good part and I'm so excited about it. But here is where I could use some advice:

1.) HOW do I not lose my shit about all of this right now from excitement?! I'm pretty sure he's feeling the same because whenever I email or text him, his response is usually immediate and vice versa. He's responsive and seems to genuinely be interested in me. He's all touchy feely to the level that I like when we're together, and in public. I'm so freakin' excited about all of this I just want to explode and it's hard not to feel like I'm going batshitinsane, or worrying that I'm totally reading too much into everything. Yes, I've been exercising and doing other things and I'm now tired and the house is spotless. What else can I do?! Halp!

2.) Part of me is feeling anxious that he's going to end up doing that whole "You're a great girl but I just am not ready for a relationship right now" dance out of the blue, all of a sudden. I think this fear stems from my prior relationship and from prior random dates I had been on where it felt like things were going somewhere and then rejection slapped me in the face. I know that being nervous about this sounds a little ridiculous because right now is a totally different guy, a totally different situation, and NewAwesomeGuy doesn't have the committment hangups that BoringCowardEx had. How can I keep reminding myself of this when I start getting scared?

3.) I know it's still early, but when I know what I want, I know what I want, and I really want to be exclusive with this guy. I want this to be A.THING. I'm ready to define the relationship. When is a good time to bring this up? I was thinking about waiting to see how things are after our two fun-filled evenings later this week and if things still seem to be awesome (which would bring the tally to five dates not including the time we met, plus sex) and casually mention that although I had been online dating, that I'm going to take down my profile because I really am not interested in seeing anyone else. Is this dumb? Is this too soon?

4.) Any guy perspectives on any of this would be really helpful too.

Thanks HiveMind!