Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with commitment

Tick-tock biological clock

Anonymous — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 12:33:25 -0800

38. No kids. Want kids. Loving relationship. HELP! So. I'm a professionally successful woman who just turned 38. In my 20s, I was never particularly interested in having kids. About 5 or 6 years ago or so, though, I decided I wanted them. I've been dating my current awesome guy for 2 1/2 years; we've de facto lived together for about a year and a half (officially for about 4 months). He's great in all kinds of ways and I love him very much. He would be a great father. I'm pretty sure he wants kids. We joke about names for them (silly names), he dotes on his nephew, he is very sweet with our cats.

But. It isn't pressing for him the way it is for me. I mean, he KNOWS the facts, presumably, but he can't hear the bright loud "TICK TOCK" that is echoing in my head. And I think that if biology didn't enter into it, he wouldn't want them right this instant. He can be a little bit oblivious, and I don't think he's aware of just how fast fertility declines, and that we would have to start trying asap.

So, to my question: how on earth do I bring it up? I am terrified of being a cliche (the late-thirties-marry-me-monster). I am terrified of scaring him off. I have already let it go on too long without discussing it... and am starting to plan next year around the hope of being pregnant in the fall. I realize that this is crazy, and that it's almost pathological that I can't quite bring it up.

Tips or advice on how to start the conversation would be very much appreciated. I saw this thread -- http://ask.metafilter.com/80182/Propose-or-hint -- but it's more about marriage than babies. I care a lot more about the baby thing than the marriage thing -- or, at any rate, than the *wedding* thing. (Frankly, at 38, it's only sensible to worry more about trying to get pregnant.)

And please, I don't need anyone to tell me that if we can't talk about having a baby, we shouldn't have a baby. We have a very good relationship, and usually talk well. I think I'm partly having a hard time because of a past relationship, and crazy commitmentphobic behavior on the part of that ex. I also think I'm partly having a hard time because I'm just not one of those women who has always known they wanted kids, and planned their life accordingly. It's a weird, hard thing for me to say, this "gimme baby now" thing.

Posted anonymously because said boyfriend knows my screen name. I may need help with this, but at least I know that coming across an Ask Mefi post is NOT the way to bring it up.

Wedding commitment symbol that is not a ring?

Anonymous — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 14:22:13 -0800

Let's say you want to marry someone, but they don't want a ring. This would be because the person doesn't ever wear rings, not wanting to draw attention to their hands (long story, just know that hand-oriented things are out). What other options are there for a wedding token? Are there cool options from cultures that do not have the wedding ring as part of their history? Any non-hand-based suggestions are welcome.

When almost perfect is too complicated

TheOtherSide — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 10:17:02 -0800

A late 30s divorced guy: Should I commit to one person or continue to go on dates? It's long and complicated, as always. I've been divorced and dating for a while now, but I'm unsure how to proceed with relationships. I've been dating several people consistently for months. When does one know when it's the right time (if ever) to commit to one person? When does one know if a particular person is the right person?

First, some background information:

A while back my 14-year marriage dissolved into a heartbreaking, but friendly divorce. In the months that followed I began dating, and over a short period of time I met four wonderful women who connected. I've been dating those same four women since then, and I've made each aware that I'm dating other people and that I'm not ready for commitment. They all seem fine with that arrangement. I don't believe that any of the women are dating anyone else. Two of the women live several hours away, one lives locally and one lives an hour away. I see each of them regularly, a few days a month, and daily we exchange text messages and emails. We're all busy with our own lives (work / kids / etc), so this amount of time seems to work well for everyone.

I know I'm very lucky to have all of them in my life, and any could become a great long-term partner. But, here's the problem: they're all great in their own way, but they all have flaws. I have a huge wish list of traits for my ideal partner, that oh-so-non-existent person. I want someone in my life who's kind, responsible, intellectual, laid-back, funny, career-oriented, sane, supportive, sexual, attractive, kinky, adventurous, etc. Plus, they would ideally share my values in life and have similar life goals.

Without going into too much detail, they all seem to match many of my ideal traits, but in different ways. For example, I find myself veering toward the one when I'm having a bad day. One is great for going to museums or cultural events. One is a much better for cuddling and loving. One is much better for just hanging out and talking. And, of course, they fit in other ways, and they all overlap in compatible traits.

I'm really confused as to what to do at this point. I sort of want to be with just one person. Why? I'm not sure why - perhaps it's just out of habit. Perhaps it's because I want more simplicity and trust. But, I believe I would have challenges in giving up time with any of them. They all mean so much to me in different ways, and none of them could totally suffice for the others.

Also, because of the ease at which these relationships had formed, I sort of have this obsession that I could find someone even better. But, rationally I don't believe that. I mean I'm late 30s. I'm running out of time, right? Also, I'm not fully confident in relationships, and I fear that without these women, I would be endlessly lonely. Should I slowly separate from all four, take a deep breath, and then make a decision?

Finally, I'm not sure I truly understand the dating rules of 30-somethings and beyond. Are we supposed to just date like this forever, because of our other life commitments?

Stereotypical male, or just being cautious?

Anonymous — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 09:09:26 -0800

Am I that stereotypical "afraid to commit" male, or am I just being cautious about a relationship I care about? I was talking on AIM with a friend of mine, and he said I should message Jane Doe because she would enjoy this conversation. I did. That was a little over two years ago. Jane and I talk every day for at least an hour, if not more. She lives over 10 hours away from me, but after about 6 months I drove to see her. Since that time we've seen each other in person every other month, usually by plane. At this point it's been about two years, and we still talk just as much. Everything about her and about us is wonderful. Physically we get along well, emotionally we help each other out, times spent together are always filled with fun. I've even told her that a normal guy would marry her in an instant, and I completely mean that.

Some other key bits of info: I'm in my low 30s and have had 5 girlfriends. She is about 10 years younger and this is her first relationship. Both of our parents married young and divorced. Actually, both of our parents divorced several times. Jane lives at home, going to college, has grad school coming on the horizon. I lived at home until my late 20s, and am currently in my 2nd apartment.

After all this, we currently are not "boyfriend & girlfriend". I am very reluctant to call us that. We've had conversations about it, and my reasoning usually revolves around these items: 1) she will be in grad school, and I don't want a relationship tainting where she chooses to go 2) we live far apart and neither are in a position to change that 3) it would be better if my living and job status were more stable (a house, basically) 4) I worry that neither of us have enough experience with "life". I know many family and friends who got involved with a relationship/marriage too soon. Or got together (stayed together) for the wrong reasons.

In conjunction with number 4, there is a part of me that thinks she is just afraid of losing me, and not being able to find someone else. Also, I haven't been on my own for that long, so I'm afraid that if i get into a steady relationship I'll turn into one of those grumpy guys pining for the days of being single. While I don't go to bars or actively seek out people, I do like the idea of being flirty with waitresses, or just friends in general, just because it's fun. I certainly wouldn't want anything sexual with anyone else, but I would think that playfulness would stop once we dated.

A lot of comedians and sitcoms focus on a guy being "afraid to commit". Am I that stereotypical male, or am I just being cautious? I love her, and only want the best for her and us.

Should marriage even be a hard question?

namespan — Fri, 08 May 2009 18:38:15 -0800

Should marriage even be a hard question? Are there people for whom it was who end up very happy together? I know some people who think this decision should be mostly easy, and is, when you meet and develop a relationship with the right person. This view is very attractive in some ways: it seems to simplify some decision making. I'm looking for other points of view, formal or personal (but I'm willing to entertain points of view that reinforce the idea that "just knowing" is a better way).

My question isn't really abstract. I'm in a situation with someone who is lovely, sexy, smart, fun, and generally all kinds of awesome. We've known each other for four years, dating occasionally and across state lines for the first two years while communicating a lot long-distance; we've been together for most of the last two years, except for the last few months. She's been head over heels over me since we first met, I've been slower to get in but really liked her from the beginning and have come to love her very much. We've had some very happy times and a close connection.

Despite this, there's been a lot of tension and some trouble in the relationship, no small amount of it related to the fact she's always been ahead of me in terms of how much deeper she was in, and we've managed to make ourselves miserable over the question of whether this would lead to marriage. She's at the point where she's ready to move on. I know we're both wondering if the fact that this is difficult is the answer itself, but I also wonder if sometimes people can get stuck in some ways that keep them from getting to the other side even when it could be completely fantastic.

I'm more interested in abstract answers (studies, anecdotes, philosophy) about how couples who go commit from this point tend to do than direct commentary on my situation, but measured advice is also welcome if my question shakes something compelling out of you.

How do i tell her not to see him anymore?

oviedo — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 20:47:59 -0800

How do i tell her not to see him anymore? explanation inside. So here's the deal.
I've been seeing this girl pretty consistently for the past 2 and half months, and we've grown quite close (hanging out a lot, talking daily, a lot of physical stuff), but she isn't ready to actually commit to me yet. I've talked to her about it, and i'm comfortable with where we are (not to say that i don't want more).
Anyways, the problem lies with her ex, whom she dated for nearly 3 years, goes to the same college, shares her same friend group, and is around all the time. Unfortunately, this man was her best friend for the last 3 years, and even though he was a huge d-bag (he cheated on her consistently for a year) she still has a hard time giving him up completely.
This bothered me for a while, but over the last month, since she told him about me, she has been telling him that she doesn't want to see him anymore and for him to leave her alone. But he is quite persistent, tell her he loves her, begging her to come back, etc.
This of course troubles her deeply, cause their relationship ended only 6 months ago, so there is still some emotional attachment, especially since she has only begun actually taking space away from him in the last 2 months or so.
So.. Today, she asks me if it's ok for her to go to his parents house to use their barn for her photography project. I didn't want her to go, and i told her i felt uneasy about it, but we aren't actually dating, and i certainly didn't want her to think that i'm the kind of guy who is going to tell her what she can and can't do. Well, i tried calling her tonight and she stopped my call 2 rings in, and then texted me that she couldn't talk cause it's been a bad night and it continues to be so. this was almost 2 hours ago, and she isn't responding to my calls or texts, which means he's being an ass.

I want to tell her that i don't want her to see him anymore. How?

How do I learn to trust myself/my partner?

Anonymous — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 11:24:16 -0800

Relationship over-analyzers: how did you get over the need to worry about your relationship so much? I'm a mid to late twenties male who has a very extensive dating history, with relationships varying from three months to three years. I have dated an absolutely wonderful girl for six months and things are amazing. That said, I have a few personal issues I want to address because I feel they would put my own mind at ease.

First, I have had a long history of infidelity in relationships; I realize that one of the reasons I did this was the need to serially date; dating people who I had an infatuation with but who I didn't necessarily want to be with long-term. I'd meet someone else, become infatuated and start dating them instead. In short, I misrepresented my intentions to them and to myself. While I think I've gotten over that, I still fantasize about being with other people, despite being incredibly happy in my own relationship. Does the idealistic look at greener grass ever go away or do you just continually rationalize your decision to be with your partner?

Second, I have issues with over-analyzing (obviously). I realize this is likely to do with feelings of inadequacy but how does one deal with it on a day to day basis? I love this girl and definitely see her as the person I want to be with, but I worry that she doesn't feel the same way. She tells me she does and I want to believe it as the truth. I've never had my trust broken before so I find it odd that I would have trust issues (I think it has to do with my own ability to seem like one person and turn out to be another). Do I have to forgive myself for my own discretions before I can let myself believe she's really committed to me? How could I go about that?

If anyone could point me to resources (books, theorists, etc.) that might help me, I'd appreciate it.

So, he mentioned that he wants kids...

Anonymous — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 06:57:33 -0800

What does it all mean?! I've been dating this guy for a couple of months, and though we have really great personal chemistry, it took us awhile to become physically involved. The first night we had, um, relations, just before we kissed, he mentioned that he wanted kids and asked me how I felt about children. He has hinted that he wants to settle down in the long run. We haven't really spoken about our relationship, but it would seem to me (and maybe I'm just being a complete girl) that he wouldn't have brought up kids if he weren't at least interested in this being a long-term sort of thing. Any thoughts?

Ring Around Your Finger/Rope Around Your Neck, short term/long term

emhutchinson — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 15:06:22 -0800

When you consider marriage, do you have a time frame? Not for the ceremony, mind you, duration of the bond itself. When you were married, did you think forever or hope for ten to twenty? More? And if you are as yet unhitched, do you think towards the future in terms of numbers, or an indefinite?

Asperger's and Fatherhood

Anonymous — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 06:40:57 -0800

Should I seriously consider a long-term relationship/having children with someone who seems to have a mild case of Asperger's? This might seem like a shallow question, but honestly if I wasn't considering starting a family very soon it would never occur for me to ask it. I am fine with him the way he is. I actually like the fact that I need to be brutally honest to carry meaning through, and I can walk him through moments where he can't relate to others. But - if he is in anti-people state, I can always keep myself busy with my own hobbies/friends. But what if we have children? Will he have a hard time understanding what the children might want? Will he shrug them off? Will he treat them as one of his "projects" and pay a lot of attention to them one moment only to completely forget about them the next? I am really worried, because I do very much love this person. I guess I'm just looking for stories and opinions from you guys, so at least I don't feel so alone about this. I thought Metafilter would be a good place to ask for that.

How to address recurring doubts about a long-term relationship

Anonymous — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 13:27:04 -0800

In serious, long-term relationships, how have you dealt with nagging doubts? How have you sorted through those doubts and then either set them aside and committed yourself, or decided to end things? The question is about decision-making, getting out of ruts and cycles, and discerning what's real out of a set of mixed feelings.

I'm 30 and female, and I'm in a four-year relationship that is generally sweet, solid, and good. I love him a lot, we share lots of values, and sometimes I daydream about us getting married and having children. But I also have this nagging feeling that though things aren't bad, they're not good either -- that we're not close in certain ways I want to be, that I might be happier in another situation, and that because of being with him, I might be unhappy and lonely in low-grade ways.

Here's how the cycle of doubt looks. We'll be going along happily until something small will happen that sets off some doubts.¹ For two or three days I'll try to suppress them as my internal worries grow.² I'll feel increasingly afraid that I've been living in denial about problems. I'll have a heart-sinking feeling that maybe we shouldn't be together and think "how can I be serious about this relationship when _____?"³ Then I'll talk to him about the issue,⁴ and we'll resolve to try to improve it somehow. With that out in the open and hopefully on the road to improvement, I'll feel closer to him, and we'll get back into our daily groove for the next three weeks or so, until this happens again.
1. eg, at a wedding, I’ll enjoy talking with the other people more than with him
2. eg, I’ll think about the frustrations I know I have with our conversations (interruptions, him not really paying attention), and then I'll start to think about what all that might add up to
3. “…when we don’t even have good conversation? That’s a huge part of everyday life!”
4. say, the next time he responds distractedly, I’ll let on that it really annoyed me, and that will lead to a conversation about the bigger concern

I want to stop this cycle of doubt somehow and be more constant and happy. I realize relationships have ups and downs, but I'd like to keep them from rattling me so much. I don't like feeling so unsettled, and I don't like unsettling him. I'd like to stop this cycle of doubt and either really commit to this relationship or move on.

I almost posted a list of what is working well and what issues I think about when I'm freaking out (there are a few that recur). But I'd rather hear how you have sorted through doubts in your own relationships. How have you decided you could live with things as they were, solved the problems somehow, or decided to break up? I realize it's tempting to tell me what to do ("eg, you get unstuck from this cycle by breaking up"), but what I'm really asking is how to figure this out for myself, how to decide to break up, or on the other hand, about how to address these doubts or leave them behind. Thank you for reading this long question.

How do I find clarity in a breakup?

talljamal — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 13:38:07 -0800

How would you choose between leaving a girl after 5 years that you could be happy with in marriage, but who doesn’t want to wait for you, in order to follow your dream of checking out day to day life in the country you were born. Fear of regret and resentment later in life a big factor here.(long explanation follows) Boy meets girl, we fall in love, plan to move to her home country for a bit, then his, both outside the US. We skip “my” leg of the trip b/c I got a job in a US city that was another place I desired to move to, she came very reluctantly, “kicking and screaming” as she put it, now she loves it).
We’ve lived together for 4 years all told, have joint bank acct and credit card, and a puppy that is seemingly mine.
5 years have gone by and she is about to be 30 (I’m 30) and she wants to take it “to the next level,” i.e. get married. She is insecure about my commitment to the relationship/to her. I don’t want to feel pressured into marriage. I love her deeply, but I’m not ready because my wanderlust is still unrequited since we didn’t hit my home country in Europe. She’s not willing to go for more than a short period and not anytime soon, can’t discuss it without the choice being right in front of her, and now not willing without the ring anyway.
Concurrently, we’ve had a rough last year while she was sick and complaining constantly, working out her chemical imbalances with medicine and killing some stomach parasites. I’ve felt codependent, feeding her needs to the point of discarding my own, feeling like a daddy/caretaker/complete emotional rock for her. But its only been recently that I identified my feeling drained, having read Codependent No More and Road Less Travelled, both greatly affecting me. I'm a very positive person, she's more pessimistic.
Now finally with everything on the line, she’s come around to the fact that all the little details of living as adults are a responsibility that have to be shared so we can both play and have fun, instead of me always feeling burdened by them.
All the beauty this woman has is clear to me, and I could picture us married, but my dream from even before meeting her, was to get back to the country that I was born in where I have a huge extended family and give it a shot (knowing the non-english language fluently) for an undetermined amount of time.
We’ve broken up, but still live together (making the search for clarity very hard), because I won’t leave until my current gig is up in 2 months time! Then I will leave for my journey, since that seems to be the barrier that has come between us taking the next step. I’m scared to lose her forever and scared that I’ll be giving up so much of my comfort at the present moment. However, I think I feed off of changing things up and continuing to search for meaning and fulfillment thru travel. She’s settled that I’m the one and her other quests for higher enlightenment will happen in time, but right now her main concern is getting hitched. It doesn’t help that tons of people we know are all shacking up and popping out babies or weddings left and right. Oh and she thinks I’m the mr. Big to her Carrie Bradshaw (SATC is her religion!). I don’t like relating me and her to our friends or movies or tv shows, but it’s the society we live in.
How would you choose between leaving a girl that you could be happy with forever (probably just needing some more direct communication/therapy about how to strike a balance for both people with chores etc.), who doesn’t want to wait for you, to go to another country for a loose year long trip in order to follow your dream of checking out day to day life there and perhaps trying other forms of art as career. Does anyone have experience with having a breakup like this, and then reconnecting and simply picking up where you left off with the partner?

Jobs that are okay to leave

Anonymous — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 11:03:05 -0800

What jobs are (relatively) okay to leave after a short time? I'm having a tough time psyching up to apply for jobs because I'm not sure I'll stay long. Likely reasons for quitting would be needing to leave the (geographic) area or figuring out what I really want to do and pursuing that. Right now I just need to be working - not in a dream job but something that doesn't make me want to stab myself or others (for me this eliminates telemarketing and probably most call center jobs.)

I know, for example, that the restaurant/food service industry tends to have high turnover rates and lots of people leave after a few months. What (if any) other jobs can I apply for, knowing that I could quit without guilt and/or leaving my employer particularly high and dry? I would absolutely give two weeks' notice and do whatever I could to help train a replacement.

I know temp work seems like an obvious solution, but in my experience it's tough to find temp positions that are short term and not open-ended or temp-to-hire.

I'm in the US, if it matters, with three years of college but no niche career skills.

Looking for an old ad

hihowareyou — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 17:27:13 -0800

I'm hoping to find a pdf or image of the old Shearson Lehman/American Express ad featuring the following quotation: "Commitment is what transforms a promise into reality. It is the words that speak boldly of your intentions. And the actions that speak louder than the words. It is making the time when there is none. Coming through time after time, year after year. Commitment is the stuff character is made of, the power to change the face of things. It is the daily triumph of integrity over skepticism." So far google has failed me, anyone happen to have it lying around? Or know any more information? (e.g. what magazine(s) it appeared in? What year?)

He may be moving away geographically, should I be moving away emotionally?

Anonymous — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 17:33:22 -0800

Is my relationship going nowhere? And how might I go about asking him what his intentions are without freaking him out? Some background: I've been with my current boyfriend for over a year. It's been great, one of the most functional, loving, sexy relationships I've ever had, and I’m crazy about him. He is very responsible about a lot of things, and often acts like the perfect future husband/father figure I’ve always imagined myself being with. BUT-- when he drinks, especially when he’s with his immature college friends, he acts like a frat boy. He still lives in a frat-house like environment, his after-work activities are centered on drinking until wasted, and playing video games. Which I don’t have a real problem with because I’m hoping he’ll outgrow it in years to come, and because when he and I get together we do things that are interesting and adventurous—going on bike rides, hikes, weekend trips, etc. We have a blast together, 90% of the time sober.

Trouble is, he’s 25 and I’m 28, and I am pretty focused on the future. I’m financially independent, and not in any rush to have kids, but I’d like to not waste too many of my child-bearing years with someone who has no intention of long-term plans with me.

I have never brought up the subject of us getting married one day, (two years from now sounds about right) but I have broached the subject of us moving in together, to which he’s replied “it’s too soon.” I also know he broke up with his last serious girlfriend (when he was 22) because she brought up marriage after a year. He never ever mentions our future in terms of more than a few months ahead, but he’s gone to great lengths to introduce me to all his relatives and childhood friends, who love me (and the feeling is reciprocated,) and in every other way treats me like a serious potential mate. He’s told me ours is the most adult relationship he’s ever been in, and I’m the girl he’s been the most invested in.

Here’s the wrench in the cogs—a few weeks ago he found out his roommates are all moving far away, for various reasons, by summer’s end. And rather than moving closer to me (he’s currently a 15 minute drive away) he is considering moving essentially next-door to his office (about an hour drive from me.) The only reason for him to move that far away is because it’s less of a commute to work.

We currently see each other about 4 nights a week, and at least one weekend day. His moving to that location will have a HUGE impact on our relationship, cutting down our time spent together drastically. He says he’s not certain he’ll move away, he’s merely considering it, but he hasn’t looked anywhere in my part of town and has been looking solely at places in the other city. I can’t help thinking that this is a giant step backwards from what I thought laid in store for our future.

Am I overreacting, or should I read into this that he has no plans for us to move forward in our relationship anytime in the next couple years? I asked him how serious he was about me, and he responded by saying I was the best, most important thing in his life, and that I made him extremely happy. But why would you move an hour away from that person? And treat the subject of our future as a complete taboo subject, to be avoided at all costs?

Some perspective would be helpful, or tips on how to talk to him about the long-term stuff without sounding any alarm bells of “RUN, OR SHE’S GOING TO DEMAND A RING ANY DAY NOW!”
Thanks in advance.

everyday expressions of love

Anonymous — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 13:02:31 -0800

In an average relationship, how often and how intensely do people express their love for each other (in private)? I don't have vast experience with relationships. I'm in one now, the other person is very committed and I am not as sure. I had accepted that I was just more "beloved" than "lover", that this happens sometimes. (I have read the threads about the kind of things like chemistry and finding M- Right and so on.)

I was impressed and touched how much my partner expresses their love and felt I was more loved by this person than I could have expected, even if my feelings back were not fully as strong. But then a friend mentioned casually how often their partner expresses love, and I realized since these expressions are most often private, I have no idea what is normal or average. Please clue me in.

If you have personal experience that is relevant to the lover-beloved question, your views on that are also very welcome.

If you feel comfortable answering, please include details of your experience(s) like ages, length of relationship, and how much this changes over the years or with different people.
If you would like to reach me privately, you can write to everydayexpressionsoflove@gmail.com.

What are the limits of couples on a break?

cincinnatus c — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 04:31:25 -0800

Should I give up getting back together with her? Two months ago, my girlfriend split up with me, after two and a half years. The reasons she gave were that she had been depressed for quite a while about very problems in her life, and she didn’t think I was committed enough to help her through them. She wanted a committed future that she didn’t I wanted. Her doubts were understandable – I had been avoiding the subject of ever living together; there is a possibility that she will have to move cities for work later this year & I didn’t make it clear that I intended to go with her.

It was pretty much understood by both of us, though, that we might not want the split to be permanent. We kept in daily contact. About a week after splitting up, there was an evening when she didn’t answer the phone all day and all night. I was really worried about her. In the morning, daftly, I decided to go wait for her at her bus stop on her way to work. I know this was a stupid and creepy thing to do. Anyway, she came out of her house with another guy – a guy from her work who I’d been getting slightly jealous of for a few weeks because they’d been getting really friendly. (I didn’t confront them – I ran away before they saw me.)

Later that day, I told her that I’d seen them. She was really upset, said it was just a mistake, “I don’t him I want you!”, and she was worried that she’d messed up her friendship with the guy. I forgave her, admitting to her that around that time I would fuck anyone too just to try to forget about the split.

Over the next few weeks we met more and more often and it was just great. I realised how much I loved her, and what an idiot I’d been about commitment stuff, and we talked about moving in together and stuff, though we weren’t back together. We were always hugging, often kissing, and occasionally having sex. I definitely wanted back with her. She still wasn’t sure.

On Christmas Day she gave me a big gesture of a present, with a message that she wanted to have another try with me. I was full of joy. However, she had family staying and I didn’t get a chance to be with her for about a week, by which time she’d gone a bit cool, and said she’d panicked a bit after Christmas. So we weren’t back together after all.

Since then, things have been great, in a way, but I find it difficult to deal with the not knowing what will happen. We are still definitely not girlfriend and boyfriend, but we talk about getting a flat, even marriage and children.

Cut to last night. She was supposed to be coming round to mine to watch DVDs, but cancelled because she’d forgotten that she’d arranged to meet a (female) workmate for a drink. Later on, I tried calling her and she didn’t answer again (I should mention that she does this sometimes when she’s really depressed or just tired). I called her in the morning too – no answer. So guess what? I hung around at her bus stop again this morning. Stupid, huh? What happened is: she didn’t come out of her house. She must have stayed elsewhere.

I got an email from her this morning that she was sorry, she’d fallen asleep early after a couple of drinks, missed my calls in the morning and had no credit on her mobile to call me back. Now we’ve arranged to meet for lunch.

I suspect she stayed with the other guy. The thing is, I usually speak to my girlfriend every day, so I usually have a good idea about what she’s up to, and I know for sure that she’s not going out with him secretly. She just hasn’t got the time. (For one thing she was with me 5 nights out of 7 last week.) If there’s something going on, it must be quite casual. Also, I've asked her straight if there's anything going on, and she's said no. We didn't break up because either of us wanted to see other people.

So I’m meeting her for lunch. The question is, what do I do? Is it any business of mine considering we’re not actually a couple? Should I just keep quiet about being there this morning and see how things work out between us? If she slept with him, can I forgive her again because she’s free and single so she can do what she wants? I really would like to be able to do this and not feel like a complete chump. But do I have to dump her for good?

Commitment Issues

Anonymous — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 19:37:49 -0800

I can't commit to anything. Please help. I never though I'd be this person, but over the past few years I slowly realized I have turned into a complete commitment-phobe. It's starting to affect all aspects of my life (not just relationships), and I will put some examples below. Background: I'm a 25 y/o male.

- I haven't completely unpacked in an apartment I have lived in for a year because I don't want to feel "tied down". I haven't put a single picture on the wall, or purchased anything that would make it so I couldn't leave at a moment's notice. I love the apartment (size, location, price) but can't seem to settle down and consider it home. I have had this problem in all apartments, but always thought it was because it wasn't my ideal living situation. Now it is (living alone, spacious, 2 minutes from work/friends) and I still can't commit to living there.

- I can't stay at jobs too long, because I'm irrationally afraid I'll end up working there forever. Prior to my current job, I never held a job longer than 6 months. I currently have kept this job for about 16 months (but hey, who's counting...) and will sometimes go through periods where I go absolutely INSANE and have to literally drink until I don't function so I don't quit for no reason at all since I need the money and this job pays very well. Granted, I'm not working in the field I want to be in, but when I start thinking about working in the areas that do interest me (music/photography/writing) I have anxiety about the amount of planning and commitment involved to truly make an effort at it.

- I usually refuse to make plans further than a day in advance. This drives my girlfriend insane, because I can't even tell her "sure, let's go away this weekend." I get very anxious when asked to make any plans in advance by anyone and it causes inordinate amounts of stress.

- Speaking of my girlfriend, I can't seem to commit to her either. She is, without a doubt, the best girl I will ever find. She's gorgeous, intelligent, makes good money on her own, loves to cook, and has strikingly similar interests and viewpoints on the world in general. We are utterly compatible, and have been together on and off for about 5 years (mostly on, probably 10 months total "off" in a couple chunks). Our last "off" period came about because I sent emails of a less than savory nature to another girl on the internet, and of course they were found. I wasn't planning on acting on anything, but she rightfully left me. I fell into a depressive episode (I have suffered from it on and off since after high school) and was eventually prescribed Lexapro after a psychosomatic vomiting spell that lasted over a month. I tried it, it kind of worked (at least, it curbed some of my more self-destructive tendencies) and now I'm off it, back together with my girlfriend, and feeling better than I have in a long time. However, I still can't commit to anything and every time I'm asked to think about anything semi-in advance I have massive anxiety. We want to take an extended trip to India toward the latter half of this year, which obviously requires at least SOME planning, but I can't seem to grapple with all the variables (I'm planning on quitting my job and finding a new one when I return, I play in a band which may or may not need to be taken seriously by that time, paying rent while I'm gone is unattractive but the logical option of my girlfriend moving in so we share that expense while gone also freaks me out).

Basically, I'm tripping out about everything all the time and especially when I need to commit to something (ANYTHING!). What basic ideas/exercisies/solutions are there to this state of existence? I never feel like I'm doing what I should be doing so I never feel like I can commit to doing anything. Help. (sorry for all the run-on sentences and generally confusing nature of this post - I start getting anxious just thinking about it so I need to get it all out and just hit 'post')

Can you help a husband survive his wife's affair?

Anonymous — Thu, 02 Aug 2007 10:17:08 -0800

My wife had a months-long affair and I've given her another chance. Any suggestions for getting rid of these awful feelings? You know those feelings...anger, jealousy, shock, betrayal. When I research the subject looking for advice or catharsis, it's either always from the female point of view or it's a bitter hate filled screed. Oh, and then there are the innumerable "pray and it'll go away" sites, but I'm past that thankyouverymuch. I'm also constantly lashing out at her, and that's not helping the situation any.

We don't believe in therapy, and she says she's going to rededicate herself to our relationship instead of giving her intimacy to somebody else. I believe her, and that's why it's worth it to stay together (plus, you know, the kids)...so the only thing that needs to happen here is for us to create a loving environment, and now I'm the blockage to that. But every day that I feel better about the situation and have convinced myself I have forgiven her, I remember how much hate and anger I have and the cycle begins anew.

So about therapy..I've been there before and it didn't help. It's a person to talk to to get stuff off your mind, and I already have that. I just desperately want to find piece of mind.

How do I get over my fear of commitment/grass is greener syndrome?

Anonymous — Sun, 08 Jul 2007 10:39:02 -0800

How can I get over my fear of commitment? And what are some ways of dealing with the fear that I am somehow "settling" in this relationship? I use they and them to obfuscate gender
I was really lucky and found someone who is incredibly compatible with me. We get along, we have similar interests, but most importantly, we have really compatible approaches to life in general. It's hard to explain that, suffice it to say that pretty much from the first time we talked it was very much like meeting a kindred spirit.

We have a lot of fun together, the sex is pretty good, they're smart, I'm smart.

Here's the thing. My sig oth feels like we are supposed to be together. I don't really want to get into the dating scene anyway, and I'm perfectly happy to be with them and in fact if someone pointed a gun at my head and told me to get married to somebody, I would marry them right away and probably would do so without any real regret and live happily for the rest of my days.

However, I have two problems. The first is that the thought of this kind of commitment is very scary to me. My S.O. is starting to talk about us living together and making long term plans and when this happens I freak out inside. When I started the relationship long, long ago it was supposed to be my experiment in "casual dating" so I didn't really imprint on them initially like I have SOs in the past. It took a long time for the ILYs to come out (on my end, at least). They're not pushing marriage but they are pushing long term commitment and even though I have no plans to get involved with anyone else I still find it constricting somehow.

The second problem, and this is where I reveal my shallowness, is that there are certain aspects to their appearance (and, to a much lesser degree, their personality), that get to me. Basically, this person is almost the exact opposite of what I've thought of as my physical ideal. My S.O. is still cute and good looking and now that I love them I think of them as beautiful, but they're not likely to stop traffic. Every so often I see other people and find them (mostly on an abstract level) more physically attractive then my SO. Also, my S.O. is intelligent and fun but not very daring or exciting, which is something I feel sexy. Sometimes I find myself similarly attracted to people doing exciting or impressive things. I feel really, really guilty about this sometimes as well. So sometimes I worry that I could be dating one of these "attractive" or "exciting" people instead, and I wonder if I might easily be compatible with someone else.

I don't want to break up with my SO. I love them and want to stay with them, but I want to exorcise these demons of doubt. Ideally I'd like to hear from people who have weathered through doubts or commitment phobia and are now clear of it. If you have an anonymous-enough account I suppose you could even share about a relationship that you're in.
Again, sorry if the they or them was confusing, but I felt like it was necessary. Also, I know sometimes people leave emails here but I won't because 1) afraid it might get back to me somehow, 2) don't want to take the trouble and 3) want answers to show up here so they can help other MeFis in the future.

How can I diffuse my predilection for long-term relationships in order to make the most of things short-term?

dorothy humbird — Wed, 28 Feb 2007 16:54:01 -0800

Is it possible to recalibrate my thinking/expectations to accept the circumstances of casual dating? For as long as I can remember, I have thought of relationships for myself as serious commitments. Dating casually, for me, has always seemed superficial and flaky; I have often said that I don't believe in "dating" as a concept. There was a time when I rejected all semblance of dating outright, and adopted a policy similar to (but modified from) the "courtship" method touted by personages like Joshua Harris.

However, I got into my first relationship via circumstances completely at odds with what I had earlier professed as my requirements regarding dating; this ~1 year committed relationship met its end about a month ago when I ended things due to problems inherent to the relationship, and because I had become increasingly convinced that I might benefit by dating other people.

...Dating?! Numerous people?! It seems my perspective has changed. Now I am faced with a situation wherein I am attracted to a new guy and he is attacted to me. However, there are apparent limits on the seriousness that a relationship between us could progress to, chiefly because within 6-8 months he is almost certain to move out of the city, out of the state, and very likely out of the country. I'm sure this situation wouldn't be a problem for someone who hadn't spent most of their teens and early 20's conceptualizing relationships as long-term undertakings, but that is my unique plight: I cannot conceive of a casual dating atmosphere. My default frame of mind is The Future and Where Things Will Go, and my default expectaion is for Things To Last A While. But, it seems like in my current situation, if I want to enjoy what my options are I have to live in the moment and foster no grandiose expectations.

A few notes for reference:

I am 22. I'm female, but I'd appreciate it if responses relied on tactics other than gender distinctions to make a point.

Re: New Guy Situation - we have both professed to like each other, have spent a great deal of time together, almost exclusively one-on-one, and generally seem to be quite compatible.

"Casual dating" in this scenario means dating one person exclusively, but without long-term aspirations (see aforementioned limits).

So. My question boils down to: what can I do/tell myself to keep from overcommitting emotionally?

Space sucks.

Anonymous — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 23:23:48 -0800

Relationshipfilter: My 5month girlfriend suddenly realized she needs space to grow on her own, outside of a serious relationship. How the hell do I do it? [Trying to cut out the unnecessary details but its tough]

We've been dating for 5 months but are 2 hours apart. She's 23, I'm 24. We had a great relationship but the only problem was she's always been hesitant to get into anything serious because she's never been outside of a relationship in almost 8 years. She was 4 months out of a 6 year relationship (spanning from highschool all the way through college) when we met. Neither of us knows where we will be a year from now (me with my job and her with grad school). We hit it off perfectly and started spending more and more time together and eventually dropped the 'ILY' bomb on each other after 5 months. I was incredibly happy, things were going well. We saw each other at least 2 days every week and had tons more fun with each other than anyone else in our lives. Everything was going great...

Saturday she had a crisis on conscience and realized she had ended up right back where she started-- in a committed relationship. She had wanted to take time off from relationships so she could pursue her own goals, and grow as her own person. She wasn't expecting to fall in love with someone so soon, and she suddenly finds herself wanting to change her life to be with me. She knows her personal growth has to be the most important thing to her right now, and she can't grow as a person if her happiness is entirely dependent on someone else.

This summer she is going out of the country on her own for 3 months, and i know that when she gets back we may destined to move to opposite sides of the country. I am going to be promoted to manage a branch office somewhere in the South East, She is going to grad school somewhere in the South East. I would never ask her to give up those plans for me. But after the summer, theres still a good chance that we'll remain only 2 hours away from each other for the 2007/2008 school year. 2 hours doesnt bother me at all, and I think after being together for 1.5 years we'd have a much better perspective on the future of our relationship. Why throw something great away simply because you dont know what the future will bring? Part of her reasoning for trying to stay 'unattached' is that it will hurt worse if we spend the next 5 months getting even closer and have to break up because our futures are taking us to different places.

So Saturday she ended the 'serious' part of the relationship. She still wants to talk often and see each other when possible (without necessarily making the sacrifices that twice-weekly contact required). She accidentally says 'i love you' to me still but is trying to stop doing that. I completely appreciate where she's coming from but i don't want to see such a great thing end simply due to bad timing.

How do I give her space? I am bad at staying in control in relationships. I can easily see letting her have her cake and eat it too (always being the one to drive to see her, always being the one to call first etc)-- but i'd grow to resent it and she'd subconsciously lose respect for me.

The rational part of me says "just explain to her that since she needs space, yall need to cease contact for a time so you can see what life is like without the other person in it. This way yall can either get back together after the space, or you can move on". I want her back because she's just such a great part of my life.

The emotional part of me says "take the relationship she can give you because its all you'll get", "you'll lose her if you make it seem like you just want to move on", and "dont risk it!". I miss her terribly when we dont talk, and I tried the space thing earlier this week but caved in after 12 hours (pathetic).

Has anyone been in this situation before and/or have advice on what works?

One kicker-- in early january (no set date) we have already planned to meet up and exchange gifts. It was my idea and backing out of it isn't an option.

Polyandry + 1

Bora Horza Gobuchul — Thu, 31 Aug 2006 20:31:24 -0800

I'm in a polyamorous relationship. It isn't enough. It looks like I get to be the relationship post of the day. Please forgive the length of what follows: monogamous relationships are complicated enough; polyamorous ones exponentially so, I fear.

I have been in a polyamarous relationship with my best friend for almost six years. She is married – I am not. The mutual decision to enter into the relationship – with the full knowledge and occasional participation of her husband – came after years of really bad, emotionally and financially abusive relationships for me, both "real-life" and long-distance. I am mostly happiest being alone, but need the emotional support (long-distance, since my friend lives in another country) and occasional physical closeness (we see each other several times a year) of another person.

I love my friend. She loves me. I am not jealous of her husband and, to the best of my knowledge, he is not jealous of me. There are all the miscommunications, and occasional disagreements, that are endemic of long-distance relationships, but on the whole I feel we do very well. I haven’t entered into any self-destructive relationships, and am aware that the support and love of my friend has kept me “safe”.

When we started there was an awareness and acceptance of “playmates” – other relationships that we had that were purely online, for sexual release. Over the years, for various reasons, these relationships have fallen aside. In the beginning there was also an understanding that if I found, against all chance, “the one”, that I would, if my new partner agreed, continue the intimate side of my friend’s and I relationship – but at the worst, still continue to be the best friends we have been for a dozen years (we talk to each other for at least an hour a day, usually more).

Flash forward to now. Increasingly, our lives have intertwined. I will stay a month at her house. She leaves me to take care of her children for several weeks. Her young son and I are very good friends. Her family knows and accepts me. We have each other in our wills. There’s an understanding that we will spend the rest of our lives together in some way, and I am, emotionally, very happy.

But. While I love this woman immensely, there are two problems. First, she is not here when I need her, physically, and phone / internet only goes so far. (Moving to the same location is not an option). I am sure this holds true both ways. Second, I don’t desire her with the heat of a thousand suns. I love her deeply, but rarely want her. I’ve tried to convince myself over the last decade that I should be able to get past this, but I can’t. She, for her part, tries at times to get control over some of the issues that do affect that desire (weight, mostly. She and her husband are very large. I am not.) but inevitably she becomes frustrated and gives up. At least in part because of her tremendous issues surrounding this, she refuses to seek medical advice regarding a condition that has become morbid.

Every three years I’ve found I get an “itch” – a desire to play the field, date, meet other people. Three years ago, I did so, with my friend’s blessing (after many discussions) and came back. Outside of that time, I’ve been monogamous to her.

The “itch” is now back, and it’s worse than ever. And my friend has made it very clear that going outside the relationship is no longer an option. Further, she has stated that if the sexual side of our relationship is dropped, the friendship will likely disappear also. Our relationship has deepened, and I think perhaps her desire to keep it as it is is due, at least in part, to a husband who has been unemployed for a considerable period of time while developing a deep relationship of his own with WoW.

I have no wish to hurt my friend, nor to sever our relationship. But I am starting to behave foolishly in looking for other possibilities. The “unfairness” of it – that she is married and has a partner, but I only have her – chafes on me.

I don’t want to go behind her back, but the alternative – coming flat out and saying “I need another partner” – and its likely consequences – terrify me. She is aware that I am feeling this way, and we’re both trying to make our relationship work. But my frustration is only building.

What can I do?

Cold feet--just a phase?

Anonymous — Mon, 06 Mar 2006 07:01:50 -0800

Can I talk my boyfriend out of cold feet? Should I even try? We've been together for eight years, two of those in a long-distance relationship. For almost a year, we've been planning to move in together and marry when I return to the West Coast.

That return was supposed to be about four weeks from today. I was just days from giving notice at my job and buying a one-way plane ticket when my boyfriend called and said he's not sure he can "do this"--meaning cohabitation, marriage, lifelong commitment. He wants some time to think (which is fine with me, provided it's not too extended a period of time) and claims to not be interested in anyone else. He says it's not me--he told me he loves me and called me "the perfect girlfriend"--but that the problem is entirely his own qualms about commitment.

So what do I do? I'd like to hold on to my dignity, but I'm not ready to walk away from this relationship.

Can anyone offer some insight? Suggestions? Is there any hope for my relationship?

Should I stay or should I go now?

Anonymous — Fri, 11 Nov 2005 21:04:45 -0800

I'm about to end what is a very good relationship overall... ...but it's not perfect.

In fact, it's not really close to perfect, but at my age (34) I don't expect perfection. I expect perfect compatibility for a few deal-breakers, and then everything else is negotiable.

All the deal breakers for us are in place except for one. I'm loathe to mention what the missing piece of the relationship is. I fear that others would denigrate my decision to even consider ending a good relationship "because of that?!?!". Needless to say, it is something very, very important to me. I will say, however, that it is not an issue of sexuality, monagmy v. polygamy, etc. We are compatible on the sex scale. It is also not an issue of offspring, as we have no intention of having any. We have discussed the specific issue ad nauseam and it has become clear that she has no interest in compromise, and believes that her ideal partner would and should accept this decision.

I am 34, never married, no kids at all in the picture. She is 31, never married. We have been together one year. We live together in my house.

I feel like if I do not end the relationship, I am in fact settling, which is the one thing I said I'd never do. On the other hand, she is the closest I have found to the one who meets all my criteria, at least since my late 20's, which is when I really established what my criteria in fact were.

I guess what I would like to hear from mefites is: A) Did you ever compromise on a deal-breaker to sustain a relationship, and do you regret it or was it it the right long-term decison? Conversely, B) Did you ever stick by your guns, end a relationship and end up better off or extremely regretful that you let that one slip away?