Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with comingout

Coming out & Overseas Relationships

mrdexterous — Mon, 18 Feb 2013 16:22:21 -0800

I finally came out to myself, my therapist and my mom. And I am in a deep overseas relationship with a guy that I met online from South America. Where do I go from here? Lots of details inside. Hello! I am a 23 year old man and have been struggling with accepting my sexuality for my entire life. About 8 months ago, my life began to change when I met a guy online from a country in South America and fell in love with him. I worry that it will be hard for people to believe that you can fall in love like this (just as it was for me), but it did happen. Such passionate, deep sweet love. We really are lucky to have found each other's soulmate.

Since then, we've spent every day talking on video chat, phone, writing long letters, etc. We spent months dreaming about the moment that we would actually meet and be together. And then just two and half weeks ago that moment finally came true. I flew down to South America to meet him. We traveled together for two weeks and it was absolutely amazing.

While on the one hand I was so happy during the months leading up to this moment, I have also never felt so alone and sad in life. I live alone, and nobody knew about my sexuality nor this relationship. But then about 3-4 weeks ago I decided that I needed to talk to someone about this. The happiness that I was feeling about this relationship was so much stronger and more powerful than the pain and secret of my sexuality that I was repressing for so many years. So I found a therapist (who also happens to be gay, older, very understanding, perfect mentor). And I came out to him about my sexuality and about my relationship right before I left. It felt amazing - like my system finally relaxed a bit.

Then I went on the trip, and just came back yesterday - to my empty apartment. And all I can say is that I felt a great deal of happiness and calm confused with a sense of sadness and pain. I miss my guy so much. Every little thing reminds me of him. And I can't seem to let it go. Having to say good bye to him at the end of the trip was the hardest moment of my life. I cried (and I never do that) for many hours during my 30 hour flight back home. When I got home, I entered the shower and was finally by myself and I just wept out loud and cried again, hyperventilating. Then I took a nap, and when I woke up, I was so delirious and confused for a few seconds. Crazy thoughts were running in my head... where am I? What time is it? I started to say the name of my guy out loud several times and looked around for him. And then suddenly the scary reality kicked in and I realized he was not there. I kinda freaked out, and just felt so broken. How can we be together again? So many logistics to overcome. And a long journey ahead of us.

Then I went to bed again and woke up at about 4am in the morning. I called my parents (7am their time) and told them that I was very sad that my trip is over and that my normal routine is starting again (they don't know the real reason for my trip and about my sexuality..) I told them that I feel like I have nothing exciting to look forward to. They tried to be very supportive and were really nice and said some comforting things. But then I started crying and getting super emotional. My dad had to leave, but my mom wanted to keep talking to me - because she felt like something deeper was up. We decided to video on Skype (haha just like how I met my guy).

And then all of a sudden, I just felt this intense urge to tell her everything. Through Skype (OMG!!). I was just so vulnerable and emotional and broken and confused. But at the same time, for the first time in my life I felt so ready to just talk. And she was soooooo supportive and it felt amazing. She sent me this text afterwards:

"It's about time you felt good, really good about yourself. You are an amazing person and I'm so proud to be your mom. Thinking about you and sending you so much light and love. I'm very proud of you and love you so much! Everything will fall into place, just be patient. If you and [name of my guy] are meant to be together, you will. Take one step at a time. Love you always!!"

I literally almost started to cry (AGAIN) haha. And I'm at work right now just thinking about it and about my guy and about everything. Anyways - sorry for my stream of consciousness but had to write about this to just let it out. I guess I also just wanted some validation, because I really feel proud of myself and just want to scream to the whole world about it. Never thought I would be able to get to this place. I have a LOT of work ahead of me still to do, but for the first time in my life I feel like I truly accept myself and love myself.

Would love to hear any thoughts or advice on where to go from here. I have a great job and not sure if it's worth moving away in the near future to be with him... yet at the same time I don't feel like I have any roots anywhere. He's in graduate school in a very specialized field in his country, very rooted, but also a bit lost yet open minded. We are both flexible and willing to think about all possibilities/options. Lots of things to face. I guess I just took the first step by talking to my mom about it. Thanks so much for listening!! Sorry my thoughts are not fully coherent.

If you were gay / That'd be okay / I mean 'cause hey, / I'd like you anyway... but what if I'm not?

Anonymous — Thu, 27 Dec 2012 06:45:50 -0800

So apparently my close friends and relatives have decided that I, an early-twenties female, am Really Damn Gay. I myself am not so sure, and seek your advice on dealing with their well-intentioned but perhaps slightly misplaced support. I'm generally not a big fan of labels, but if pressed I would describe myself as genderqueer and asexual. I get addressed as "sir" and "miss" in about equal proportions and I don't care about "passing", I just tend to wear what I want, which happens to be a lot of unisex/men's clothing. Re: sexuality and attraction, I've been on lukewarm dates with both men and women but never really felt attracted to anyone. I'm open to the idea that one day I'll be in a sexual relationship with someone, it's generally not something I stress out about other than in a vague, abstract "oh god what if I die alone and unloved" way once in a while. (As you do.)

Apparently, all of what I described above adds up to "closeted homosexual", at least in my circle. My brother, having decided that my "gayness" is obviously out there already, has offered to set me up on dates (I politely declined). My parents, who I know love me very much but come from a staunchly conservative background about these sorts of things, have stopped bringing up my personal life entirely. I've had multiple people do the "...do you have anything you want to tell us?" and "you know, we love and support you no matter what!", which is sweet, and I really do appreciate it, but smiling and nodding along seems a bit dishonest, somehow.

I've tried deflecting/changing the subject, as well as haltingly trying to explain that the situation isn't quite what they think it is, but then they just turn sympathetic-slash-slightly-disappointed and it's clear that they just assume I'm not ready to come out yet. I'd like to be able to say that, honestly, no really, I'm fine the way I am right now, though I appreciate the sentiment.

Having talked with some of my queer friends about the stuff they went through during the coming-out process, I realize that having earnest, supportive friends and family is kind of an enviable problem. I'm OK with having strangers and acquaintances think whatever they like, but I'd just like to be able to be honest with the people I care about without making a big deal about it or being TMI/making people feel uncomfortable about it. Any advice on how to go about doing this? Thank you in advance (and, well, for letting me get this thing off my chest that's been bothering me for a while)

Hello from the bottom of a pit.

Anonymous — Sun, 09 Dec 2012 19:09:42 -0800

I feel like I'm at the bottom of a deep pit, and it will take a long series of successful maneuvers to get out of the pit. Other people's lives don't seem to be pit-shaped. Help me make this pit go away. I'm a gay white male nearing 30 in a collegetown suburb, and I have social hangups, work-related hangups, money-related hangups, and lots of hangups in general. Am I "being mature about it" or "playing the victim of circumstance"? Where's the line? What's the alternative?

Here's an example of how my thought patterns run:

I'm not out to my (working-class immigrant) parents. I don't imagine they'd take it well, and I would prefer for the news to come from a happier place than "I'm gay, lonely, and kind of miserable."

So, a happy relationship looks like an important step on the road to coming out to my family. I want simple human companionship. But I haven't been in a lasting relationship since college. I am an incompetent flirt. I don't go on dates often, and, as with most people, few first dates turn into second dates.

Then I guess the key is to go out on more dates. But there just aren't a lot of people around here in this college town who are at a similar place in their lives (i.e., I'm not a student, faculty, etc.). Dating prospects are reportedly much better in town, an hour away, and on the other side of town, 1.5 hours away.

So the idea would be to move to a better established area. But I live very near my job, and moving to where the people are would double my expenses and treble my commute time. And I'm already making/saving relatively little money as it is.

The natural solution would then be to move and also find a new, better-paying job. But it's unlikely that I could find a closely related job, since my skill set is fairly unique. There are maybe 50 people who do what I do in this whole metropolitan area, and it's not a high-paying job by any means. It's also usually filled internally or via word of mouth.

Then, a different job? I've been doing what I do for a few years. Outside my unique qualifications, my other skills are broad and rather shallow. Like, I know some bash, but I'm not qualified to be a sysasmin or software engineer or whatever. Other than that, I've never waited on tables or slung beer, and have never been offered those jobs whenever I applied for them in the past.

So I guess the trick is to become… more employable? What does that even mean? I've got very basic academic credentials that don't predispose me to any common career. I've tried working with career counselors, but have never received any helpful, specific advice. The career assessments I took a couple times pointed toward "college professor."

A lot of times on Metafilter I see stories of people leaving everything behind and starting over from scratch in a new place. I understand the potential of a cross-country move, and I do have a few thousand in savings. On the other hand, I've had extended periods during which I was unemployed, broke, chronically ill, and lacking a good support network. I remember how easy it is to get to that state.

Am I putting up these roadblocks myself? They seem so real. Or is adult life really that hard? What kind of professional should I talk to for guidance and support? If you've had this dynamic on your life, how did you deal with it?

First-timer seeks personal and career advice!

DRoll — Fri, 23 Nov 2012 21:41:18 -0800

21-year-old college junior seeks career and coming out advice! Lots of details inside... I'm a long-time lurker, first-time poster, and I'm struggling in two areas of my life right now. I feel like I've made little to no progress in either area since I've started college, and I feel uncomfortable talking to my friends or family about either one.

1) I'm really unsure as to what I want to do after college. I'm currently an English major with a double minor in Geography and Mass Communications. I would love to do something related to trivia or general research - I'm a huge game show fan, and I really enjoy doing word puzzles. Currently, I'm a freelance puzzle editor and a reader for our county's high school quiz bowl league, but obviously neither one of these can be full-time careers (although I wish that was an option!), and I'm somewhat stuck on what I can do past this level with anything related to this field. I've considered moving to L.A. and trying to get any position working on a game show and then trying to make my way into the writing department through that. I've also thought about trying to obtain a master's degree in library science, but I'm not sure if I want to do any more schooling or put myself into debt. I am essentially going to school for free right now thanks to a good set of scholarships and a resident assistant position, but I am really burnt out on writing papers and school in general, and I'm afraid that it would be really hard to get a job with a library science degree. I've also considered being a flight attendant because of the flexibility and travel, although I'm not 100% sure if that's something I want to do for my entire life. I'm also uncertain if I really want to jump right into the "real world" right after I graduate. Travel has been an option on my mind, but I'm not sure how to go about doing that on my own.

I'm also dealing with where I want to live after I graduate. I've lived my entire life in the same town in northeast Ohio, and nearly all of my family lives within an hour's drive. I love the area, but at the same time, I would like to live somewhere else and trying something new. I've considered moving to San Francisco, L.A., or NYC and just trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.

2) I've really thrown myself into a black hole when it comes to dating and relationships. I'm gay, but I have had an extremely difficult time coming out to anyone, especially family. As a result, I have only told a small handful of friends and a cousin - all via text or Facebook messaging. I'm terrified of coming out to my family, even though I have little evidence that they would take it poorly. I haven't been entirely covert about my sexuality - I've been on just about every dating/relationship/sex site in the area, but I've been pretty dismayed by all of them and I currently don't have a profile on any of them. I don't think people know that I'm gay, although I think in some ways it's blatantly obvious that I am, especially in that I've never had a girlfriend and I don't want to have children.

I'm sad that I've been dishonest, especially around the people who I know really would not care at all. However, I also feel like I don't really want everyone to know, at least right away. I have a lot of internalized homophobia and low self-esteem, and I've never really felt comfortable being myself, even around the people who know me best. My high school was quite small (I had just over 100 kids in my graduating class), and I could probably count the number of LGBT students in the entire district on one hand. I was a very good student but I was not really popular, and I didn't have many friends outside of school. I never received any romantic interest from guys or girls - I didn't even go to my prom! Later, my first roommate at college (which is 20 minutes away from home) was an extreme homophobe, and I didn't come out to anyone right away because I genuinely feared that he would kill me if he found out. I quickly switched dorms after one semester, and he has since dropped out of school. I've done much, much better since then - I have made several good friends, and despite some personnel issues since the beginning of the year, I have really good working and personal relationships with the other RAs in my building. However, almost none of them know that I'm gay, and I feel like I should tell them.

I'm not really sure what I should do at this point. What is the best way that I should handle this? Should I just tell people that I know won't care, and if I do, how should I do this? Should I just wait until I'm done with school?

Coming Out

Anonymous — Thu, 08 Nov 2012 07:03:32 -0800

I'm completely in the closet, but would like to know how to come out as a gay person of colour? I could use any sort of advice whether that's in the form of academic articles, anecdotes, words of wisdom, etc.. Also, what happens after coming out? I'm gay. I've known this about myself for close to a decade if not longer now, but I've never disclosed this information with anyone in person.

People have speculated things about me including family members. My older sister has asked me if I was gay quite a few times over the years. My brother has mentioned various celebrity figures, artists, talked about the gay village, etc.. My conservative & religious mother even asked me if I had a girlfriend once. But, I choose not to discuss this information because I'm scared shitless of how they'll react. I come from a family that's made up of two immigrant parents who are strongly firm in their religious, cultural, and conservative beliefs. While my siblings and I were born in NA, my siblings are not as open-minded as I am and tend to share similar ideologies as my parents. They also have negative views towards the LGBTQ+ community, at least that's how it comes across.

I'm also scared of how my parents will react, what they'll say, or what they'll try to do once they find out this information.

My family is quite hot and cold with their emotions. In other words, they're quite unstable and if one person such as my mom is angry then the whole house will feel hostile and unpleasant. When my mom gets upset she does things like yells, pounds on her chest, and sobs which makes for an incredibly difficult situation. My dad has alcoholic 'tendencies' for a lack of a better word and my mother was physically abusive if someone disagreed with her on certain matters.

Today, my relationship with my parents and family has improved and I see them regularly (about once a month or so), but I still feel like I have to tread on very thin ice whenever I'm around them. They also feel the same about me (well at least some family members do) because I have been told that I'm too sensitive about things like equal rights and being politically correct (in the sense that I'm mindful of how people refer to others...).

I've realized this aspect about my family for years, so I always just assumed that I would move to a different continent where nobody knew me in order to carve a new life for myself. I realize how many people think this is strange or crazy to think, but that's what I always dreamed of. So, I didn't take the risk required to come out because I figured I wouldn't have to share my life to such an extent if we were worlds apart. Pretty sad now that I think about it, but it was a means of mentally escaping and telling myself that things would get better.

I'm no longer at the point where I want to move so far away. I want to get to know my family members, share my life with them, and in turn have them share their lives with me. But, I realize that I'm going to have to come out in order to do so. The problem is that I don't know how to do this. I realize that there are different ways to do it and that there's no right time to come out, but I'm still truly at a loss. I feel like the longer I wait, the more difficult it will be to come out.

Any advice is greatly appreciated. I don't know how to frame this question beyond asking for help with coming out. I am open to anecdotes, resources, or words of wisdom. Thanks!

(P.S. Sorry if this is an incoherent post, I'm incredibly exhausted from work. But, hope you can understand this post...)

Coming out to traditional Chinese dad?

Anonymous — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 08:02:06 -0800

Coming out dilemma: how do you tell your traditional Chinese dad (ESL) that you're gay? THE SITUATION / TL;WR:
My partner ["BF"] wants to come out to his father ["Dad"]. However, we're concerned that due to language difficulties, Dad may not understand the vocabulary, especially the subtleties of loaded words like "gay". And even if Dad understands the words, he may not understand what it really means, in terms of the idea that a man could actually be in love with another man, etc.. And then, even if Dad understands what it means, he may be absolutely devastated/furious.

Other complicating/snowflake factors:
Dad lives 4 hours away, meaning it either has to be phone call, email, or inescapable awkward visit. Also, Dad is kinda lonely, and we're worried this will make him feel even more alone (especially if he ends up being hostile to BF). Finally, BF is Chinese, I'm white.

KEY PLAYERS:
- BF: Chinese, late 20s, professional, dude. Shy and sweet. Native English speaker, understands Chinese but does not speak. In relationship with me for 6 months (<3).
- Dad: Early 70s, ESL (not a great english speaker/understander, but gets by), devoutly Buddhist, divorced, lives alone. He clearly wants to reconnect with BF (and is clearly proud of BF's accomplishments) but they've drifted apart for multiple reasons. Lives about a 4 hours drive from BF and me.

Also featuring:
- Me: White, late 20s, professional, also a dude. Loud and forward. Will do absolutely anything for BF (love him), including staying out of it if necessary (not easy!).
- Sister (of BF): Supportive, knows about the whole situation. Same language situation as BF.
- Older Cousin (of BF): Lives abroad, speaks Chinese, dude. 99% chance that he is gay (mentioned a boyfriend years ago, has pictures of semi-clothed dudes all over his apartment, owns small dogs), but it's never discussed in the family so we can't say for sure. May POSSIBLY be able to help with translation and cultural issues (assuming he's willing, and that we're not wrong about the him-being-gay thing), but has not been spoken to about this situation yet.

PLEASE HELP:
Any advice about how he/we should go about this would be incredibly helpful for both of us.

Additionally, if you have any experiences (from yourself or others) you can share to help understand what we're potentially facing, it would be appreciated. I'm thinking specifically:

1. You've had experience coming out in a traditional-Asian-parent context
2. You've had experience breaking any culturally awkward piece of information in a traditional-Asian-parent context
3. You've had experience coming out in any traditional parent context
4. You've had experience coming out/breaking any culturally awkward piece of information across a moderate language/understanding barrier
5. Any other analogous situation

Bi MeFi Man concerned about coming out to immediate family

Anonymous — Fri, 04 May 2012 05:53:11 -0800

How do I tell my family I'm bisexual? Needless to say, this is a bit complex.

I'm a 28 year-old man living over 1700 miles from his family. This will most likely be conducted over the telephone, not in person.

First, I'll start with how I came to identify as bisexual. Next, I will give a little bit of background for each of my family members. Lastly, I will pose some questions which I hope some of you can help me answer, based on the information in this post. However, if any of you have questions for me, I have set up bi_mefi@yahoo.com for anonymous correspondence. However, please try not to email answers unless you also post them in this thread, as I hope my situation might benefit another soul out there who is grappling with similar issues.

I have always been attracted to men, and throughout my life I've responded to that attraction in different ways. Never in a negative way. But never really in an active way, either. Until January of this year, when I finally came across the right person on this gigantic planet who embodied a myriad of the qualities my attraction seems to search for. One night he and I got busy- busier than any of my previous homosexual experiences. It was oral sex, but hot, passionate oral sex is still sex none the less. Up to that point in my life, I had identified as straight. But a poor straight man I would have become, as such a homosexual experience as that is something I like, repeatedly. In February, I came out to a close friend and eventually most everyone in my present life. Most of them aren't surprised.

However, I think my family would be surprised. I have lived far across the country from them since I was 18, and it was only after moving out of the house at that age that I began my homosexual experiences. They have met every girl I've ever seriously dated, they have never met the guys (or girls) I've fooled around with. Two years ago, I began volunteering for the local Pride Parade, and they were confused as to why. So I really can't imagine they'll see this coming.

That said, I'm mostly concerned about explaining myself to my father. He is 73, and last February he went under the knife for a triple bypass and had a couple valves flushed. It was preventative, and he is back to his old self now, but at the time it was terrifying. I found out when I received a phone call from my parents about 6 hours before he was scheduled for surgery. Then it was three and a half days of silence. I couldn't get in touch with them, and I understood why that was, but I couldn't help but desire to connect with my family. Most desperately, I vowed that they would know me for who I am before any one of us (of which there are 5) go. Part of our identity as a person is our sexual identity, and this they must know. I want to explain to my father why I am coming out to him, but I don't even know where to begin. He's never been outwardly homophobic, but I've never really seen him in a conversation that's related to anything LGBT.

However, I do know where I want to begin as far as which family member I will call, first. My younger sister is a very down-to-earth person, and I think would be the most accepting of the family. What I mean to say is that she wouldn't make me feel like I had to explain myself. She will probably just note this newly revealed fact about my life and carry on as we were.

From there I will probably tell my brother. However, we rarely actually talk on the phone. How do I begin a conversation that will largely consist of coming out to someone I should really catch up to, first?

I don't know why, but I get the feeling that the relationships between my family and I will be forever altered. I do know that there really is no way to tell how they'll react until they're given the opportunity, but is there any way to ease the worry and make sure I'm heard through the swell of confusion this is likely to cause?

Thanks.

tl;dr: I am worried that the only constant relationships in my life, that of me and my family (and especially my parents), will drastically change and set my world in a spin.

How do I come out about my roller-coaster gender?

omicron — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 22:24:15 -0800

I was a man. Then a woman. Now a man again. So, um, how do I tell potential romantic or sexual partners this without scaring them away? I have an interesting gender history. I was born male. I transitioned to presenting as female at 20 (in 2004), while living in city X, where I was for college; I transitioned back to male at 23 (2007), while living in city Y, which is where I'm from. I am now 28 and live in city Z, which is far from both X and Y, and famous for being accepting of This Sort Of Thing. I still identify a little bit as queer, but I don't hang out with lots of queer people. (At least, I don't think I do. Maybe I do and I don't know it.)

I never took any hormones, so my body is that of a typical man of my age, I guess. When I transitioned I changed the name I used in daily life but I never legally changed it, and I went back to the name I was born with when I transitioned back. A few friends here in city Z know. One of my housemates is someone I went to college with, but we've never talked about this. An ex of mine (who I dated, long-distance, while presenting as female) lives in my current city. (And she occasionally still calls me by the name I used in those days.) A lot of people I went to college with live in my current city. I think everyone involved has the sense to not out me; my friends tend to be pretty clueful about this sort of thing.

All my sexual experience is with women. I am not totally opposed to changing this but in practice I think if I were going to have sex with men I would have done so by now.

And I am starting to have more romantic and sexual experiences! This is exciting! But it is also scary. I feel like this is a very important part of my history. It's not that I want to talk about it all the time -- I've moved on -- but I think it's shaped who I am and if I get close to someone emotionally I think I'd want them to know. And it probably has some influence on what sort of sex I like. It's like I spent a few years in a foreign country. Except usually when you live in a foreign country for a few years you can go on and on about it and people's reaction is either interest or fake-interest. I can't do that. The last time I was dating someone (a few months ago) she did What You Do when you meet someone these days (Google!) and managed to find my old livejournal... which makes it clear that this was going on... and she asked me about it. She was fine with it (that didn't last, for other reasons) -- as she pointed out, by the time one gets to the late twenties one learns that everybody has some baggage -- but it was kind of awkward. And I would like to avoid that awkwardness in the future.

(The old livejournal is now friends-only, back to day one, so that won't happen again.)

This was easier the few times I dated while presenting as female... I knew I had to bring it up, because I didn't quite pass. (Friends told me I passed, but they were being, let's say, charitable.)

So how do I bring this up? When do I bring this up? (It's obvious to me that, say, the first date is too soon and my deathbed is too late, but there's a lot of room in between there?) Or do I just not bring it up at all: is this something that, if you were dating me, you just wouldn't want to know?

(sockpuppeted because my metafilter name is my name in enough other places that someone dating me and googling me might find a post under my real name. If you think you know who I am, you're probably right. If you want to talk about this via memail because you have your own awkward things you don't want everyone to know about, I will read those messages.)

Coming-out tips for an older gentleman

steinsaltz — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 13:30:58 -0800

I have been asked by an older gentleman to help him come out of the closet in San Francisco, and was wondering what resources might be available. I am straight. My friend is 60 and says he wants to explore coming out of the closet, in a limited sense. He is a little like Rip Van Winkle, living on the edge of the city for years without daring until recently to visit the Castro or to consider that it is 2012 and there might be a lot of nice, non-threatening people he could hit it off with.

A tad conservative and old-fashioned in his ways, he has expressed some concern about finding himself with people who might be too outrageous or not regular-guy-ish enough for his tastes. On the other hand, he is fascinated by the lights of the Castro scene and he has enjoyed peering into the bars and sneaking into The Sound of Music.

I have tried to assure him that there are probably all kinds of regular, mellow gay people in the community and it doesn't have to be like a scene from Cruising. My friend enjoys architecture, fashion, glamour and Italian culture. He just wants to find some people to connect with and feel supported with, and I was wondering if anyone could suggest what groups or activities would be good for him here.

Any help much appreciated.

Support, not commitment, or something

Anonymous — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 19:47:32 -0800

I think my dotted-line boss is going to come out to me as a transgendered person. The idea of introducing gender and sexuality into professional relationships is anathema to me. I will not deny her any support. I am genderqueer but don't trouble to make it obvious at work: work is a place I go to be engaged and interested, not a place for emotional entanglements. So what do I do? This lady is really fun, really cool, and transgender, but she doesn't know I know. She also doesn't know I identify as GQ. I think sexuality issues just don't belong in the work place: never ever have I dated or even discussed issues of gender or sexuality at work, changing the subject if it came up. If my suspicions are right, this is going to change. I want to a) support her; b) make clear that she is welcome to come out; c) that I am proud of her, d) that it is a situation that has nothing to do with me personally and won't at least as long as I work there. Maybe I am asking what a straight person would do to support someone coming out without committing myself, but that seems like a cop-out and I think I'd be ashamed to do that. There is a very delicate line to walk here and I lack the subtlety to do it. Please, advise me. I would not hurt this person, whom in a non-work situation I would consider a sister to celebrate and welcome, just because it's work: best case scenario is she is welcomed and validated.

I came out to my parents. It isn't going well.

Autumn — Thu, 16 Jun 2011 19:35:26 -0800

I recently came out to my parents. How can I not let their opinions about my sexuality lower my self esteem and mess with my sex-drive? It took me a long time not to feel like I was gross and perverted for being attracted to other women. I came out to my parents last week, and now every other conversation involves them telling me about how wrong and disgusting and gross they find my choices. They've also been saying that I'm only dating a woman and because I can't find a man, I shouldn't lower myself like that, I shouldn't be so desperate, they didn't raise me this way, and things along that line. They've also been making inappropriate comments about my sex life such as sarcastically asking, "So, what's it like to be with a woman?" and following up with a hateful comment like, "We all know she's a bull-dyke, don't try to pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about."

My parents and I have a strained relationship to begin with, so I thought their reaction wouldn't phase me. But now that it's starting to seem time for the girlfriend and I to have sex, it's difficult for me to think about it without thinking of my parents' comments and feeling down on myself. I've slept with women before and I never felt bad about it, but now that I'm out and they're commenting on it I feel uneasy. I think the open comments about my sex life bother me the most because we're not at all the type of family that talks about that and previously it remained unspoken. I feel so uncomfortable with how every time I go out with her they basically say "we know you're having sex with another woman and it's disgusting." I live with them and moving out isn't an option. I'm not doing anything like having sex in the house; I don't even have her over just to hang out.

Help? I want to go back to being happy I met someone I'm really into and excited about sexy things and I really, really don't want to go back to teenage-me who felt like she was the worst person in the world for liking other women.

Things that are more interesting than studying for the bar include:

prefpara — Thu, 26 May 2011 15:29:09 -0800

I am interested in the problem of outing and coming out as it relates to mental illness. Can you point me to any good resources (books, articles, blog posts, anything) on this subject?

How do I come out of the closet...a little?

Anonymous — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 13:37:21 -0800

Sticking a toe out of the closet: help me come out with the least amount of trauma. Who should I confide in first? (Warning: this is long.) Mid-20s girl here. Have basically known I was gay since age 14, but for various reasons involving terror, have never told anyone. I'm very, very shy and there are only a few people in my life I'd call close. After a decade of confusion, I've finally accepted that I am who I am and am ready to start living that way. I'm bursting to talk to someone about it. The question is, who?

Unfortunately I'm not ready to come out to everyone. There are two people especially who will NOT take it well:

My roommate. She's homophobic and judgmental, and I have enough anxiety without dealing with a confrontation from her. I'm pretty sure the first thing she'd do is attempt to pray for me, and she would almost certainly tell other people. Another hitch: we're coworkers. So if I were to tell anyone at work and word got around to her... ugh, nightmare. Moving out is not an option right now. (FWIW, I don't think my other roommates would be thrilled to know they've been living with a gay girl either, but they would be more accepting on the whole.)

My mother. In college I broke up with a great guy after just a few weeks, and when she asked why, I said rather vaguely that I didn't know. For a moment she got this horrified look, like, "Oh no, please don't let it be THAT." She is very religious and calls herself a traditionalist, all of which has led me to conclude: she would not be okay with a gay daughter. It's a major reason I struggled to accept myself for so long. But don't judge her too harshly; she's very important to me, and I don't want to hurt her or ruin our relationship. Therefore I do NOT want to come out to her, preferably ever, although I understand it may be beyond my control at some point. She lives across the country and we only communicate by phone (I'm not on Facebook or anything), so I could conceivably keep it a secret for a long time. The same goes for the rest of my family.

That said, there are two people in my life I could potentially tell:

My sister. Now that we're both in our 20s and living on our own, we've gotten much closer than we ever were growing up. She's a terrific listener, and she knows me better than anyone in many ways. She's the first person I thought of to tell. But there are complications: 1) She lives two hours away, so we'd have to talk on the phone, which neither of us has much time for. 2) She just got a new job and is incredibly busy and stressed; I don't want to dump a big confession on her and ask for a lot of emotional support right now. She would give it willingly, but I think it's unfair to ask. 3) I also think it's unfair to put the burden of secrecy on her. She's not the best at keeping secrets, and it might stress her out if she didn't feel free to talk it over with her friends/our family.

My ex-boyfriend. Hear me out. We were together for five years, but we were always better at friendship than romance (for obvious reasons). Although we broke up a few months ago, we still talk every day and hang out often. He is the person closest to me in this city. I think it might be decent to finally explain to him why I so often flinched when he tried to kiss me, etc., that it was because of the gay and not anything he did. He's wonderfully nonjudgmental, and I can imagine his reaction being along the lines of, "Well, that explains so much! Let's go find you a nice girl." But I also wonder if it would be cruel to admit that I basically spent five years lying (well, being confused) about being attracted to him. He has his own hangups/insecurities, and I don't want him to feel betrayed or even more hurt (the breakup wasn't exactly easy on him). To boot, he is not especially great at keeping secrets either.

Two reasons I want to come out (at least partially) right now:

- I've started dating girls. Actually, I went on my first date yesterday. I really like this girl, and when I got home I was grinning from ear to ear and all I wanted to do was TELL someone about it. Not being able to do that makes me feel especially lonely.

- When boys ask me out (it happens occasionally), I want to be able to say the real reason and not make lame excuses. I'm so tired of pretending.

Thankfully I live in a very gay-friendly city, so I'm not worried about general homophobia. Talking to a therapist would be lovely, but I'm not in a financial position to do that at the moment. A lesbian friend would also be nice (I have exactly zero gay friends), but it takes me a very long time to open up to people, so someone I already know and have a rapport with would be ideal. This is why I am leaning toward telling my ex. Is that crazy?

Thoughts? How do I navigate this? I'm looking for constructive comments only, please, not, "If they don't accept you for who you are, that's their problem." I'm really trying to minimize the fallout here. Throwaway, if you'd like: adviceformeplease@gmail.com

Merry Christmas, sorry I'm gay!

nakedmolerats — Sat, 20 Nov 2010 19:59:53 -0800

How can I come out to my extended family without it being a holiday "surprise" or confessional atmosphere? I'm 25 and have been dating another woman for 10 months. We live together and are planning long term. I've known since high school that I was more-gay-than-straight, but never came out to my immediate family until I had a serious girlfriend.

I generally only go home during Christmas and a bit in the summer. Last year, I told my mom and brother, and my GF came up to visit for a few days. This went pretty smoothly. My mom isn't exactly Super Pride Mom, but she seems ok with it and was friendly with my GF.

I still haven't told my small extended family - my grandfather, aunt, uncle, and cousin. They will probably be quite surprised since in high school/college they met some boyfriends of mine, and my mom hasn't said anything. My family is conservative, but not driven by religious ideology. I am pretty sure they won't disown me or think I'm going to hell, but they will probably think it's 'abnormal', I'm going through a phase, or I was brainwashed by liberal arts college.

I want to tell them soon, since I don't want to be a Secret Lesbian forever. So I need to figure out how/when to tell them, but I really want to avoid:

a) springing it on them at Christmastime and dealing with the awkwardness on top of holiday stress

b) I don't want to style it at all as a "confessional" - as in "I know this might shock/upset you, and I'm sorry, but...". I don't want to apologize for being who I am and I don't want to begin with them by framing it as something that's Weird and Shameful to admit to. I want them to know that I'm with someone, and I'm happy, and that person happens to be a woman.

The best idea I've come up with is writing a short note, perhaps with a general Life-Update letter, and mailing it before Christmas so they have time to process it. I've thought about calling them, but I don't talk to any of them on the phone normally, so a "Hey I'm Gay" call out of nowhere would be almost as awkward as the Christmas surprise.

Are there any options I'm not considering? How have others come out to family that they are close with, and don't want to upset, but are not willing to treat it as something that SHOULD be upsetting? If I write a letter, what else might you include beyond a short explanation?

LGBT scene in the Twin Cities for a woman in her 30s

Anonymous — Thu, 18 Nov 2010 14:19:25 -0800

Woman in early 30s coming out as a lesbian for the first time in the Twin Cities. What's the city LGBT scene like? (Asking for a friend.) I have a female friend (I swear it's not me!) who's coming out as a lesbian for the time. She's in her early 30s. She lives in the Twin Cities, and has 1 or 2 gay friends, but none she feels comfortable talking with about this. She doesn't need help with the coming out process, but she's wondering a couple of things...

a) What's the LGBT community like in the Twin Cities? Inclusive/exclusive?

b) Where are the LGBT hang-outs/bars/clubs? She's a fairly social person, but has frequented the same bars over the last few years she's been here.

c) Any local support groups for late-in-life coming out?

She's had only straight relationships so far, but due to a very conservative upbringing, is a late-bloomer to this (though she's know/suspected she was gay her whole life).

Appreciate any help you can throw her way about the Twin Cities LGBT scene. Anonymous because her co-workers and a few family members don't know yet.

Sister in the closet: how to be good to someone coming out.

Anonymous — Mon, 25 Oct 2010 19:05:31 -0800

How to be a good friend to someone who may be coming out. My boyfriend and I were at his parents' house this weekend and his younger sister was home from college with a friend; various things led both my boyfriend and I to independently think that this friend might be her girlfriend. (they were very cute together). If she is indeed gay or bi, she's not out to her parents or family. Is there a way to let her know that there are at least two people who are LGBT-friendly and that they'd be happy to give her a big hug when she chooses to come out. Neither he nor I want to be aggressive about this - it is her life and we're not looking to make any drama. We see her approximately once a month, usually in the context of family. Get some rainbow pins? Mention a gay friend or two? She's in her first year of college and is close enough to us that we can drag her out for pizza easily.

Am I bean plating? The recent suicides in the news are probably encouraging me to over think. If I should just go and let her live her life and not consider bugging her, tell me. I don't want to be well-meaning but clumsy and screw up.

If you are gay and came out to friends and family, what did your friends and family do that was good and what was bad? Would you have welcomed knowing that on your list of people to tell, there were a few who were going to be happy for you? I know that different people want different things, but I'd like to get an idea of what would have been good for you.

Lucy Van Pelt, where are you when I need you?

The Captain and Ten Eels — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 10:58:07 -0800

So, I need advice with my life. Just as I'm starting to get comfortable with the idea of going to see a psychiatrist, it looks like I may be able to get a new job that is awesome on all fronts except no benefits. Inside: My problems. Are they worth seeing a psychiatrist for or will they pass? Is there some other non-therapy way to get through this stuff? Okay, so I guess I need to start this out with a little bit about myself. I'm 24, I'm a guy, and I'm gay. I've had some serious problems with coming out - problems that have majorly derailed my life. Without going into too many details, I basically failed out of my first semester of college upon falling for one dude, and ended up moving a way from a great, supportive group of friends to a soul-crushing job in pursuit of another guy (one that has literally sent me an itemized list of things he didn't like about me - what great taste I have). Now, for the first time in 7 years I'm by myself, and I think I'm ready to move on, but I don't know what I want to move on to.

I guess at the heart of my current problem is that I don't know what I want - professionally, romantically, academically - no idea, and this has kept me stagnant for the last five or so years. Since my first semester of college I've taken a handful of classes, and halfheartedly would like to finish up my degree, however when I'm actually in school I feel no motivation to actually do the work necessary to get to the other side. (I'll be honest it's because I - great ego that I am - tend to feel that the coursework is too easy and I get bored with it) Compounding this is the fact that with the job I currently have I've been given the chance to get paid to write - which is what I was going to school for - and I've found it thoroughly unfilfilling.

On top of that, I'm still not 100% comfortable with being gay. After a lot of introspection, I've come to the conclusion that this is based on some tremendously deep seated "othering" of the gay community - something that has me constantly fighting against myself even though I've ostensibly been out for a good 5 or 6 years. I'm trying to take steps toward the community - I've been making efforts to hang with other LGBT friends more often as well as particpate in events in my very gay friendly city (New Orleans). I went to the NOAIDS task force's gay prom last weekend and have plans to attend Southern Decadence this weekend - however these feel like token gestures as I've yet to actually find myself even remotely comfortable while I'm there. Of course, this may have more to do with my general unease with my self-image (I'm short, chubby and let's just say the years of stagnation has done wonders to my outlook on life) than anything else, but still, I guess I'm just not quite sure.

SO with all that in mind, I think I've found a job that might work out for me. It involves a lot of travel - something I've never done before because I'm perpetually broke - has comparable pay and best of all has nothing to do with the reprehensible people I currently work for. The only problem is that it doesn't (currently) offer benefits. The job I have now has great benefits - especially for mental health - and I was just starting to slowly feel comfortable with going see a psychiatrist.

I haven't been yet, so I guess if I take this new job I won't know what I'm missing, but I guess the question is, are these problems big enough to keep a job I hate (for the time being) so I can get some psychiatric help - or are these the type of problems that you just work through on your own? Has anybody else gone through something like this? What helped you figure out what you want?

Queer Homelessness

greekphilosophy — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 14:32:57 -0800

Resources for a now-homeless-after-coming-out lesbian living in Fayette County, Ohio? A friend-of-a-friend just came out to her family and was disowned. Her church has also turned her away. It appears she has ties to the area that prevent her immediate relocation (school, etc), but is living out of her car at present.

I'm looking for state, community and non-profit crisis resources for gay homeless youth in Fayette County, Ohio. I'll wade through eligibility requirements, just need whatever suggestions you might have.

Honey, I think I'm a Kinsey 5.

Anonymous — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 12:38:13 -0800

I'm less bisexual than I thought I was. And now I'm engaged to be married to a wonderful guy who loves me and depends on me, and realizing that I cannot sustain attraction to him for more than fleeting moments every few months. How do I minimize the damage, here? I'm a woman in my late 20s and I have been in a relationship with a man for the last four years. We got engaged fairly early on but are not yet married. Since the beginning he's known I was attracted to women... the trouble is that I've figured out I'm not really attracted to men for extended periods of time. The sex was tolerable for like the first two months. Then dull. Then increasingly bad. If I'd realized originally this was true, I never would have gotten into this relationship, but I thought we'd just lost that spark. I have only realized in the last couple months that there are literally no men on Earth who at this moment I would want to have sex with, and that occasional fleeting interest in it is not a basis for hoping that this will get better.

We get along really well as friends. He's a good guy. And I love him, but I'm not attracted to him, and I can't keep this going on forever. But I don't know how to break it off, especially as I am not ready to come out to my family. (And may not be for years. I know I should, but I have to take this one step at a time, and much of my family is very conservative.)

I have never dumped anybody before in my life; this is only my second long-term relationship and the first was not ended by me, but even short-term things were never ended by me. I keep trying to come up with a pretext to end it, but since he's a good guy I just can't do it. Then I try to tell him... and I can't bring myself to do that, either, because I'm terrified that he'll tell my family. At this point, all of our future plans have involved each other, and while my career path is such that I can make do just fine alone, the same is not true of him. (He's an artsy type.)

How do I get out of this with a minimum of pain and suffering to this person who doesn't deserve it?

Throwaway email: c2ebraza@gmail.com

My husband is transgendered. How do I tell my parents?

Anonymous — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 04:07:18 -0800

My husband will probably be starting hormones and this may eventually lead to gender reassignment surgery. I fully support him, however it goes. There is a lot of advice out there for how transgendered people should tell their partners or parents, but very little for how supportive partners should tell their families. Any advice? (longer story inside) Some background: both of us are in our mid-30s, we have been together for 6 years, and I've known about his identity since before we started dating. I (female) identify as gay/bi -- well, I thought I was entirely interested in women before meeting him, now I'm not sure what you'd call me, nor do I really care that much. Our relationship is extremely happy, our sex life is great, and I love him (call him Chris) dearly; he is the bravest and strongest and funniest person I know. [I am calling him "he" because that is the pronoun he usually uses nowadays, even though "she" is closer to the emotional truth.]

He has spent the last 7 years (ever since telling me) doing a combination of hoping that he could ignore it, and then eventually (as it became clear that that wasn't working) slowly doing lots of painstaking psychological work on himself. Over the past two years or so he has come to the conclusion that he really has to do something more than just internal psychological work: i.e., visiting a therapist, starting to take hormones, and include as a possible end-goal having a sex-change operation. He is quite miserable with this aspect of his life as it currently stands. I am fully supportive of whatever option he chooses to take. The money for surgery, should it come to that, won't be an issue, nor will his job situation.

I'm writing because we both really feel like I should tell my parents. He told his a year ago, and (though it threw them for a loop) they responded about as well as you could possibly expect: telling him they love him still, will support him, etc, even though they are made obviously uncomfortable by it (and I expect that once he starts showing physical changes will be more so, but they will probably be able to work through it).

My parents, though, are much less worldly and open than his ... they are impressively open-minded for their cultural background, but also have fairly rigid senses of what is proper and what isn't. When I came out to them, the result was two years worth of extremely awkward silence on the entire topic of relationships, though they did not shun me in general or anything, and it was quite clear they still loved me. Eventually, when I had been dating a woman somewhat seriously for a while, my dad gave me a little speech about how whoever I fell in love with was fine with them, and things got somewhat better; but we still didn't talk about it much and they were still enormously, transparently relieved when Chris and I started dating. I obviously didn't give them any of the transgender backstory at the time; I publicly identify as bi to them, but we really don't talk about it. They really, really like Chris, and not just because he seems like a guy to them.

I am fairly close to them (even though we don't talk about some things), and I truly like and admire them. I also live quite far away, so really only see them a few weeks out of every year. I want to tell them about Chris because it's starting to feel like a huge secret to keep, and it's going to come out (no pun intended!) at some point soon anyway once he does start with the hormones, and especially if surgery and living full-time as a woman becomes a realistic option. The sooner we tell my parents, the more time they have to get their heads around it.

An additional complication is that they live in the town I grew up in, which is very small and fairly conservative. My parents are very well known and many people know and still ask about me. So even if they were okay with things, Chris getting a sex change would put them in many difficult social situations; in fact, I think they would probably have more social fallout than we would (we live in a fairly open-minded metropolis, and many of our friends either know already or will probably be okay with it when we tell them). I feel bad about this, but don't see any way to stop it.

Anyway, a few questions.

1. If you were my parent, how would you want to be told? What things should I emphasize or downplay? I plan on saying that I still love and support him, and that it wasn't something he did "to" me, and that our situation is stable, with friends, etc. Other thoughts?

2. How should I play this, long-term? I was thinking of telling them, and then backing off entirely and giving them several months to process it before saying anything more on the topic. Then I would slowly raise it casually in conversation (e.g. "Chris saw the therapist for the first time today") and gradually require more out of them in terms of talking about it, etc. But I don't really know. We just visited and probably won't see them in person again for many months.

3. How explicit should I be of our expectations for them? What I really hope is that they do their best to inform themselves about what it all means, and (even if they don't understand) try to accept Chris as he (or maybe eventually she) is. And make it so that I can bring Chris when I visit without horrible awkwardness. But should I give a timeline? Is that too dictator-like? Will that alienate them even more?

4. Why am I so nervous about this? It's almost worse than when I came out myself, even though it's not me facing a personal rejection this time.

5. Any other general advice? We both don't really have a lot of perspective on this at this point.

Thanks, and sorry this was so long, it just felt like all these details were important.

My throwaway email is: tellingparentsabouttghusband@yahoo.com.

Coming out to only one parent

Elfasi — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 18:54:36 -0800

Tell me your experiences of coming out as gay to just one of your two living parents alone. I'm not interested in opinions from everyone, just opinions and accounts of people who have been through this either first or second hand. If you later came out to your other parent too, I'd love to hear about it too. So I'm in my 30s, both my parents are, or at least appear to be pretty anti-gay, though their hardline attitude seems to be gradually softening over the years and giving me some hope. I've spent most of my adult life convinced I could never tell them, but my Dad recently went through life threatening surgery and has been giving little hints the past few years about accepting who I am and such like. It made me realise just how much I'd regret it if he died never knowing, if he never knew the true me, and I hate how much the lies keep putting more and more distance between us.

Out of my two parents my Dad is the most level headed, rational, and I think the most capable of taking the news. My Mum I really wish I knew, sometimes I get glimmers of hope, sometimes I imagine the news would permanently break her, and our relationship. Ideally I want to tell them both, but as of right now I have decided to tell my Dad first, alone, and take it from there. A little more background, I've lived with a male partner, now ex, for over 5 years now, people think surely they've totally guessed but I'm pretty certain they havn't, they take denial to an artform.

So I'm wondering if there's anyone else out there who's made the same decision, told just one of their parents, at least initially. I'd love to hear your experiences of how it went, how they handled being the only half to know, if it ended up being a burden on them. If you eventually told your other parent, or they eventually found out or were told, how did that go? Was there anger/guilt at being kept in the dark for so long? What kind of ramifications do you set yourself up for in this situation? Does your other parent still not know? How's that been?

If you think this whole plan is a bad idea, please feel free to comment too, but only if you've personally had it go wrong or known someone who did.

Where should I look for a boyfriend.

Basalisk — Thu, 15 May 2008 10:34:02 -0800

I've recently come out of denial/uncertainty and realize I'm gay, I live in Adelaide, I don't really dig the club scene that much, but I want to meet other gay men. How do I find them? Really, I want to meet gay friends and if something more happens, that's a bonus. I specifically don't just want to know where to hook up.

The queer organisation on campus here consists of a handful of gay "activists". While the whole injustice of the universe and the oppression inherent in the hetronormitive system exists, constantly whining about it bores me senseless.

I think my gaydar is broken (both receive and transmit), as I had the gay transponder bullied out of me in high school. I'm thus a bit shy when it comes to determining whether someone I like might like me back. I also don't come across as gay, people I have come out to have said that it's a surprise because I don't "act gay."

Because of my denial, I've only ever had one relationship in my life, and that started and ended because she was crazier than I was. I don't know the first thing about relationships, doubly so the non-traditional kind.

Keeping secrets is keeping me up nights.

Jazz Hands — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 22:43:50 -0800

How do you make everything good again after someone finds out you've kept a secret from them? Thing is, it's not your own secret you are keeping. My nephew came out to us several years ago and is keeping this from his grandpa(my dad). Some day it will come out that we, the entire rest of the family knows, and has known for years. I feel that will be the bigger issue, I think my dad is cool enough to handle a gay grandson, but the betrayal(?) if that's the right word, of the rest of us is going to crush him.

I was a huge proponent of letting dad know, and my nephew was at first too. My sister/his mom was having a big shocked reaction and didn't want to handle the possible reaction of our dad on top of her own drama and asked him to not tell yet. She accepted it pretty quickly, but I think the status quo took over and everyone is just comfortable now.

I've not had to lie so far, the most I've actively had to do is say that "He's probably not ready to settle down yet" when I'm asked if Nephew is "dating someone special". But I think if it finally comes down to being asked directly, I would have to answer truthfully, and I don't know if that's the right thing to do. So how do I handle a direct question and how do I handle it when the cat's finally out?

A sad coming-out story

grrarrgh00 — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 21:22:38 -0800

I'm dealing with the fallout from coming out to my deeply religious immediate family. For years, I had prepared for their tears, their anger, their remonstrances, their appeals to the Bible, and all of those have come. What I hadn't prepared for was how disappointed I would be, and how fundamental and lonely that disappointment would be. Help? All my life, the person I've considered myself closest to was my older sister. I love her dearly, and I've always held her up on a pedestal as a rational, incredibly decent, and most deeply generous person. A little under a decade ago, when I first realized I was gay, and that it wasn't a phase, I knew my sister would be the family member I'd come out to first, because even though I knew she'd have some trouble with it, I also knew she'd understand and assuage my fears in a way no one else would or could. If I could depend on no one else in life, I could depend on my sister.

I've been living on my own for almost a decade, in a different state than any of my family members. I've been out at work and to friends for 6 years. After years of prelude, I formally came out to my sister at the beginning of this year, as best as I knew how. Our first conversation about it made me grimace and chuckle a little bit -- she said everything the textbooks tell you not to say when someone comes out to you -- "Were you abused as a child?" "And you're sure it's not a phase?" But she assured me she loved me, and was, on some level, OK with it, and understood I couldn't be the person I was if I wasn't the person I am.

In the ensuing months, though, our conversations became a touch more difficult. She started telling me in every phone call that she was praying for me, asking me to open my heart to God, pointing out the standard passages in Leviticus and so forth. I was taken aback, because although my sister has always been religious, she's never been a fundamentalist. But I assured her of my own time spent studying the Bible, reconciling my sexuality with my faith, and walked her through the numerous doctrinal interpretations challenging the fundamentalist position on homosexuality. (I attended Christian schools all my life; I've read the Bible basically cover to cover, and I've done a lot of intense Bible study to help inform my own faith.) I was trying to engage her at her level, although I was astounded that she'd brought it there. Leviticus, really? My sister?

Tonight was the last straw. My year of finally coming out to my family climaxed in what was more-or-less a coming-out conversation with my uber-religious mother. (A wonderful person, who commands much of my love and admiration and respect, but whom I will probably never describe as thoroughly rational.) It was tough, but I've been steeling myself for that for years. My mom is probably still wailing and screaming and asking what she did to deserve this. I don't know how long it will be before we speak again, but again, that I was prepared for.

But the giant blow was the conversation with my sister that followed, which included every distorted Biblical canard a fundie ever threw at a fag. (OK, she left out the Adam-n-Eve-not-Adam-n-Steve quip.) We each remained as civil as we could, but "civility" is a term I'd hate to ever use to describe an interaction with my dear, dear sister.

What I'm left with is my disbelief and disappointment that this was my sister. My decent, rational, generous, cherished sister, clinging to such uncharitable, irrational, bileful dogma in the face of all reason and loyalty and love. Something fundamental has soured in our relationship, even if things get better between us. It feels as though the person whose love and support I have always counted on in life is a different person entirely, and the loneliness and disappointment in that is just wrenching.

Give me some perspective. Point me to an essay, or a speech, or a book, or a song, or something. Lay down your words of wisdom. This was long, but I had to get it off my chest.

Should I just crawl into bed with him?

rocket_johnny — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 18:59:42 -0800

I've lived with my best friend and another good friend for 3 years. I've known them for 7--since we were freshmen in college. I've come to the conclusion that I'm bisexual, and that I have a bit of a crush on my best friend. I'm having trouble telling him that I'm not straight. I've read everyone's advice not to tell him I'm crushing on him, because there is a good chance that would be messy. What is a good way to tell him that I'm bi though? Here is the thing. I own a very expensive rally race car with him. He's my best friend and very important to me (maybe I'm crazy). Not to mention that we're in a long term racing team together.

Also, he's gone off on gay people a few times. Example [I'm out to dinner with him and his mom]: "I think gay people are mentally ill. Homosexuality is a mental illness. Why else would people not be attracted to someone who would allow them to breed. Now I don't have a PROBLEM with gay people, I just have no respect for them and thing they're mentally ill."

He is constantly saying things like, "God, I hope people don't think we're fags" when we're out together.

But then he tells me that he hopes he can get a blow job if we go out, "preferably" from a woman.

My gay friend says that I should just go crawl into bed with him and give him a b/j. I started to broach the subject via email, and he just responded that he wouldn't be sucked into my "drama queen" thing.

Any ideas on how to get the courage up, but also to do it in a way where he won't just feel like I have him cornered? I think I have to do it.