Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with colleague

Workplace mistake: What to do when my coworker throws me under the bus?

Anonymous — Thu, 16 May 2013 11:18:11 -0800

My office was submitting a grant and the wrong application was uploaded to the grant agency website. My coworker submitted the final documents - and it is clear to me already that he will find a way to throw me under the bus if he has to, to protect his interests. How do I approach this? My office was applying for a grant. Many of our team members were in different cities and so we were communicating via email with each other, trying to put the pieces together. When everything was set to go, my coworker emailed off the documents to have them submitted. One document was unintentionally omitted. (The consequences of that are minor). I take my blame for that in that I could have checked for it with my colleague, but did not. As a team we determined why this happened. (I always admit my errors, if I realize that I have made them). My colleague was preparing the documents to submit while I was working on one last element of the application. When emailing with our boss today my colleague, however, said a few things that made me feel as though I was being thrown under the bus - the blame was definitely put mostly on me, even though we are equal colleagues and it was his task to finalize and submit.

Because I always believe in my personal accountability and learning from my mistakes I decided to look over our submission and email communications to see where things went wrong. In doing so, I saw that my colleague submitted documents that were for a completely different grant to be uploaded. I did not see the email before it was sent because he was charged with sending it off (he uploaded materials from the wrong folder) and we all trust my colleague.

I am trying to figure out what to do - tell my colleague first? Tell the team? Again, I have some responsibility (as do all of us) for this mistake in that I could have checked his submission before he sent it. I did not because there has not been an error of this type before (and he successfully submitted materials for a different application before). And, I certainly am not fully responsible. I am very concerned that he will find a way to blame me in a manner that is not fair or honest, once this is revealed. This is a very big mistake.

Have you faced this type of situation before? What would you recommend as the most ethical protocol? I believe in being highly ethical and honest - and I know that not everyone else operates that way.

What can I do about a sick person who insists on coming to work?

Anonymous — Tue, 15 Jan 2013 19:32:35 -0800

My clearly ill coworker refuses to go home. My coworker is very clearly ill and has been all week. She coughs - no exaggeration - almost constantly. She is obviously congested, she said she was "really bad" this weekend with fever and fatigue. She finally left early (but only an hour early!) yesterday after infecting the office with her coughing all day. I told her not to come back today if she still feels ill because I really don't want to get the flu. She said she didn't want to make me sick. She was there today, same thing. I asked her if she at least had antibacterial hand sanitizer at her desk and she said no.

Multiple people have told her to go home and says she has stuff to do, she's not contagious, etc. As she is on my team, I know there is nothing she has to do that either we couldn't do ourselves or that could wait. However, I am not her manager so I can't force her to leave. People have asked our manager to have her leave and he said he's been telling her and she won't go. So he would have to force her to go, which I think he's reluctant to do because she can be difficult about some things (whole different story). I thought about calling HR, but I like my manager (as well as my coworker, who is otherwise excellent) and as I can't report it anonymously, I don't want to be the one stirring the pot.

I'm relatively certain she will be in tomorrow. If she still seems unwell, I am going to point blank ask her to please go home. She will likely refuse again. What can I do at that point? I am already washing my hands a lot and I may tell her not to come near my desk or give me any of the paperwork she normally does because I have never had the flu and I really, really do not want to get it. Or maybe I'm overreacting and if so, please let me know. It would be one thing if it were just a cold, which I wouldn't really care about, but I am a little aggravated that someone who is obviously sick would knowingly spread their germs around when it's something that could be potentially bad like the flu.

Fwiw, I got a flu shot, but the doctor says it can take two weeks to become effective. Also, she is hourly but I know she has PTO.

Stinky coworker

Ziggy500 — Tue, 13 Nov 2012 07:01:28 -0800

How can I de-stink my immediate surroundings when I have no control over the source of the stink? Or, how can I learn to get used to the smell? At my office I work in a pod of 4 people and the guy who sits beside me has a BO problem. It's sort of a sweet, rank smell. It bothers me a whole lot. Everyone else notices it, but I sit downwind of him as it were so I get the worst of it and it's not really a problem for the others. I don't know the guy at all - he's a newish member of staff and doesn't talk much. We don't work closely together.

What can I do in this situation? I'm waiting for olfactory fatigue to kick in but it's been months and the smell is still there and still bugs me.

Things I can't do:
- move desks (the other people in my pod are my direct team-members - it makes no sense for me to move to a different pod)
- talk to him - I have no idea how to bring this up without hurting his feelings and I don't want to make him uncomfortable.
- open the windows - it's winter.

What can I do? All I can think of is buy an air freshener spray but this would be so obnoxious, wouldn't it? I don't want to create any drama, I just want to not be bugged by the smell. If I can't neutralise the odour, is there any way I can just force myself not to smell it? I do tend to be quite sensitive to smells anyway, which just makes it worse.

Shower me with shower ideas

just_ducky — Thu, 12 Jul 2012 19:00:36 -0800

I'm hosting a bridal shower for a colleague at work. What games can we play that are easy to execute? I am hosting a bridal shower for a colleague at work, and I'm looking for ideas of something to do beyond standing around eating food, and then giving a collective gift to the bride-to-be. Are there any fun, but low key games we could play that aren't super involved?

Here are some relevant details:
-12pm-1pm time slot
-There will be about 20 people there, both men and women, ranging from 26 years old - 50ish
-the bride isn't super into overly silly or girly wedding stuff, but would be up for a bit of fun
-most people will be standing and the space we have is kind of awkward (a central area with a small coffee table and two small couches, and then room to add some extra chairs); food will be in a separate room
-everyone knows the bride of course, but not necessarily super well (we're all colleagues, and only some of us are friends outside of work)
-the bride likes fishing and outdoorsy stuff; we work in the environmental field
-I'm going to be in a meeting right up until the shower is supposed to start, so I can't do much prep right before the shower, but can do some ahead of time
-games need to be SFW (obviously)

I'm terrible at coming up with ideas for fun games. Does anyone have any brilliant ideas for me?

Thanks for your help!

We don't want to be the mean girls

Anonymous — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 14:41:51 -0800

I am navigating a very awkward, uncomfortable situation with a coworker who wants us to be friends. I'm in need of smart, sensible advice on how to handle this. A few months ago, our company hired a new employee. I don’t really know how else to explain this, but there is something very off about him. Over the weeks and months, a few things became clear. The first thing my coworkers and I noticed was that despite his claim of having extensive experience and impressive qualifications in this field (on paper, he’s somewhat overqualified for this job), he had no clue how to do the work. He had difficulty grasping simple, basic concepts that should have been second nature to someone with his credentials. He is very, very slowly coming along, but he is developing at the pace of someone who has never done this kind of work before. We are fairly certain that his resume contained significant embellishments, if not complete fabrications regarding his experience.

We have tried to be patient with him, and we help him whenever he asks for it, but he doesn’t take advice well. He is stubborn, defensive, and argumentative. He has a tendency to demand our help before he has given any critical thought to the issue he is having, and omits or misstates crucial details when relaying his problems to us. He misinterprets instructions and suggestions in perplexing ways. He often doesn’t understand why his mistakes are mistakes. He needs to be taught simple administrative tasks repeatedly before he retains them. All of this is a drain on our time and we have heavy workloads of our own to manage. He also reacts poorly to criticism from our managers, and is not above deflecting blame onto coworkers (when we have done nothing but try to help him). I suspect that his attitude is a big reason why he has been so slow to improve. If you ask him, nothing is ever his fault. I admit that we don’t think much of him, either professionally or in terms of his character.

We are perfectly polite to him while at work and we never refuse him help or advice when he asks for it, but we have no desire to interact with him further. He’s not just hard to work with, but he’s also strange and socially inappropriate. He makes me and the other women I work with feel very uncomfortable. For the first few months, my coworkers and I thought he understood that our relationships with him were purely professional and would remain that way. We haven’t had the most pleasant working interactions with him, and besides the most perfunctory of polite greetings, we haven’t engaged him in off-topic conversations.

Meanwhile, a small group of female coworkers and I have become good friends. We take our lunch breaks together and sometimes hang out outside of work. We recently noticed that while we were chatting in our office’s lunch room, the new guy was obviously listening in on our conversations, nodding and chuckling along with us. This made us uncomfortable, but we understand that the lunch room is a public space and we can’t expect to have total privacy in there. Shortly after we noticed this, he sent me and my coworker an email, asking if he could join us at our table for lunch. We didn’t know what to say at first, but that day so happened to be one where we each had our own separate plans for lunch and wouldn’t be meeting up in the lunch room anyway. My coworker and I told him this, and hoped he would get the hint. He asked if he could join us some other time, and neither of us replied.

A few days later (today), the new guy sent my other coworker an email asking again if he could join us for lunch. She replied, explaining that as a group of female friends we often discuss topics that are personal and private and she did not see us changing that in order to accommodate his presence, so she was sorry but the answer was no. He pressed it, saying that he listens to our conversations and thinks they’re fun and interesting, and stated again that he would really like to join us. He said that he doesn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, so he would be respectful and discrete when personal and private topics come up, and not comment about our feminine issues. This made my coworker all the more uncomfortable and she did not reply.

This small group of coworkers and I are in our 20's, and the new guy looks to be in his late 30’s or early 40’s, which adds to our discomfort with his taking such a personal interest in us. We realize that he probably has a hard time making friends and is probably very lonely, but our intuition tells us that he is not someone whose attentions should be encouraged.

What, if anything, should we do to protect our boundaries? What should we say if he continues to press the issue? We will have to continue working with him and we certainly don’t want there to be more negativity between him and us, but we do not want him to know anything more about us on a personal level and we definitely don't want to give him the idea that we are open to being friends. We are already uncomfortable having our lunches in the lunch room now that we know he enjoys eavesdropping on us, but we can’t afford to eat out every day and it’s too cold to take our packed lunches outside. We are inclined to leave things alone and cross our fingers that he simply gives up on trying to develop friendships with us, but we are afraid that he will go to our managers or to HR, as he has shown no hesitation in pointing fingers at us to our managers before. We’ve been concerned about this since one of our managers recently took my coworker aside and asked her if we were making an effort to include the new guy and make him feel welcomed as part of the team. We don’t want to end up with reputations as mean girls, excluding the poor lonely new guy, and potentially have it on our performance reviews that we’re not team players. On the other hand, we don’t want to pre-emptively speak to our managers or HR about him, because he really hasn’t done anything worth reporting, and we don’t want to escalate this unnecessarily or come across as a bunch of hysterical women.

TL;DR: I need advice on how to enforce my boundaries with a male coworker who would like to have more than a professional working relationship with my female coworkers and me. He makes us very uncomfortable and does not know how to take a hint. We hope we can do this in a way that is professional, as polite as possible, and will not affect how our managers and HR view our performance in terms of being good team players. How do we make it clear to this male coworker that we do not want his company outside of working hours and do not want to interact with him beyond what is required for us to do our jobs, as kindly yet clearly as possible?

Colleague problem. Problem colleague. What do I do?

Anonymous — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 08:19:23 -0800

My colleague is becoming a nightmare to work with, and I'm worried both about our shared projects and about her personally. There's no clear official procedure to follow, and taking it further up the ladder is getting me nowhere. Help! Me and 'Emily' both work in a small, friendly department in a huge and complex organisation. I'm the newest employee; Emily's been here for around five years now. We're late 20s/early 30s. She's popular and well-liked, and really good at her job.

About a year ago, Emily started going through some personal life turmoil. People were happy to pitch in and cut down on her workload while she dealt with things at home. After a few months, though, I started getting really worried that the stuff she was still doing wasn't coming along very fast, and we had deadlines coming up. Emily's role overlaps with mine to a higher degree than it does anyone else's, so my job was going to really suffer if her part wasn't getting done.

After I shared those concerns with the rest of our team (repeatedly, since at first people just reassured me Emily was good at her job and wouldn't let people down), and people started asking to actually see Emily's files, it turned out that she'd been doing nothing at all work-wise for nearly two months. Cue chaos. Most people were teetering between concerned and furious - on the one hand, it's hard to summon up massive amounts of sympathy for someone who split their work hours between Facebook and going out to long lunches with their boyfriend, but on the other hand this was totally uncharacteristic for Emily.

In fact, most of the personal turmoil she was going through was totally uncharacteristic for Emily as well. She was flipping back and forth between her husband and the new BF, talking divorce one day and dismissing it the next, ditching a huge amount of her old hobbies and interests and getting really negative about everything. She seemed stressed and ill all the time. She would talk a lot about wanting to 'sort [her] life out'. She wasn't herself.

So we were worried, and because of that she didn't get in massive amounts of trouble over the not-doing-any-work thing. (She was offered paid time off or help through our EAP, but refused both.) Instead the department held an intervention-style meeting in which it was made pretty clear to her that she needed to pick up the slack. I was a bit worried at the time that she seemed to be dodging most of the responsibility for it (talking vaguely about things just taking longer than she'd expected, and so on), but was mostly relieved that at least the problem was being addressed. And I thought things would change now.

Except it's been a year, and they really haven't.

It's difficult to describe Emily's approach to work, but mostly the problem is that she's doing very little while constantly complaining about how overworked she is. We're sure that this isn't actually the case; her list of responsibilities is much smaller than everyone else's, and they're responsibilities others of us have had in the past, so we know what's involved. Her boss has suggested weekly timesheets to demonstrate how much time she's spending on what, but she says she doesn't have time to do them. And the responsibilities she does have are being done half-heartedly and overwhelmingly crappily, usually late and never above minimum requirements at best.

But the weird thing is she seems to genuinely believe she's overworked and nobody appreciates her contributions. She's talked about this repeatedly, growing hugely agitated each time. She accepts no responsibility for the project she messed up last year (even when it's couched as 'I know you had a hard time last summer', she responds with 'I didn't let it affect my job', even when it clearly, demonstrably did). She does things like dropping by my desk to complain about how she has ten reports to complete and doesn't know how she'll find time to do them, when I'm sitting in front of a pile of fifty of my own; when I pointed this out she just looked at me baffled, as though I wasn't making any sense. Last time we had a meeting in which people asked her if she'd met any (any!) of her deadlines for the past month, she produced a graph she'd drawn of the number of times people had phoned her office extension over the month and how long each phone call was, to demonstrate how busy she was. It was in full colour and everything; it must have taken her ages. (It also showed less phone calls that most of us get, too.) And no, she hadn't made a single one of those deadlines. It is really, really bizarre behaviour.

As mentioned above, I'm the one whose job is affected by this more than anyone else's, but it's not like everyone else doesn't know about the problem. They do, they're worried and frustrated too. And yet, nothing gets done. Everyone's just stumped, basically; talking to her supportively doesn't do anything, phrasing it as 'you're letting other people down!' doesn't do anything. Our immediate boss has changed four times in the last year, so there isn't even a proper record of what's happened; our organisation is huge and really weirdly structured, and she's just sort of fallen through the cracks. I've spoken to people within our team both formally and informally, requesting that something at least gets done, because this situation is bad for our work and doesn't seem to be any good for Emily either. But nobody wants to make it any more official or aggressive than it's already got, because they're worried about her mental health and think such steps might just make it worse without improving things in the office.

I really don't know what to do. We're working on a new project now that's my first big responsibility, but Emily's assigned to work on it too, and already she's dragging her feet and making it hard to get anywhere. There's nobody else who could easily be swapped in instead of her; I could go over the head of my team manager and officially request it from the next boss up, but that would mean having to make an official complaint about Emily at a very high level, and pretty much everyone on my team has already requested that I not do that. Our HR are useless and don't consider this sort of thing to be within their remit. And hell, I don't want to make Emily's life worse either; I really liked her before all this kicked off, and it's miserable seeing her stressed and unhappy all the time. I don't want to tip her towards a breakdown.

So after all that, and with apologies for the length, what I'm looking for is ideas on how to tackle this situation - with Emily, with my immediate team and immediate bosses, with the big managers above us. Bonus advice on how to stay calm and constructive about the whole thing would be appreciated!

How fortuitous. Now get out of my sandbox.

fanta_orange — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 21:36:33 -0800

My boss recently hired a former coworker for an open position in the department. This person will be working on many of the same tasks and projects as I am. He was both well-liked and skilled at the job when he left years ago, and I am afraid that he's going to come back and completely outshine me. How can I handle this situation professionally? Back in the day, 10 years ago, my former colleague Mike and I worked in low level tech support jobs in the same group. We were in our early 20s, in a group of other young folks. (I am female.) Mike was slightly senior to me, and actually trained me on many of the tasks we did. After a year, he left the job in order to move to another city.

Since then, I've continued to work for the same boss, rising in the ranks and getting multiple promotions. Now I manage the development of the software that we used to support. I'm generally considered the expert in the group (there are 10 of us, various ages and experience levels and job grades, but all on the same level of the org chart). I am assigned to the highest-level projects. My boss consults with me on lots of things, including HR matters, and often says he would recommend me for his position when he retires in a few years.

So, a job opened up in the group, and Mike happened to apply for it. He's moving back to town with his family and happened to hear of the posting. It turns out that he's been doing software development all this time too, in a different market sector. We interviewed him, he dazzled the audience with a presentation on his software development process, and now he's being hired.

Mike is an awesome guy. He is a natural leader, he's smart, and has gained alot of insight and skill over the years. I think that's an asset to the company. But, it sets me up to get pushed aside, possibly. The rest of the group had a bit of stars in their eyes when we discussed who to offer the job to ( and some of these people never worked with him). They were excited to hire him to get our processes straightened out - many processes that either I developed, or that I've been saying are broken but no one wants to fix.

I feel like he's going to be the new wunderkind and I'll be yesterday's news. Worse, that he's being hired to do my job, or that I won't have my boss's ear anymore.

So, what do I do? I considered talking to my boss (who's very approachable), to let him know that I want to have a say in the direction of the group and the future of our software development efforts. But I feel threatened and I don't want to feel that way. What are some tips you would have for handling this situation? How can I support Mike as he comes back on board while also protecting myself and my position? Should I talk to my boss?

This is a sock puppet account, which is why there is no posting history.

How to support a colleague going through a divorce

bbyboi — Wed, 13 Oct 2010 02:36:12 -0800

A colleague is going through a divorce. He told our boss and me that his wife left him last week. I feel really sorry for him. What should I do to support him through this period? One of my team members (we are a team of 4 reporting to the same manager) is going through a divorce. His wife left him last week and he is going through counseling/finances etc in the next couple of weeks.

We aren't friends but we share a cordial office relationship. We work together and have often have lunch together but we don't hang out apart from work. I'm 24/Male - joined the team a year ago - he's probably 30-32 or so. He's a nice guy most of the time. We generally don't discuss private matters but we tend to work together a lot and he wanted to tell me so I don't mistake his occasional off-mood to be rudeness as he goes through handling this shock.

I don't want to be poky or intrusive but I really feel sorry for him and am unsure what I should or shouldn't do to support him through this trying time. He generally likes to keep work/personal life separate so even the fact that he told me this is a big deal. Having said that, he probably wouldn't have told me if he wasn't concerned about me sensing something odd in his behavior or feeling otherwise so I don't want to go out all the way as he might not like that.

Should I just go and tell him that if he'd like to go have dinner/drinks sometime, I'll be glad to give him company? or something else? Help me hive mind.

Thanks!

Business Advice for the Mathematically Challenged

Paris Elk — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 10:08:53 -0800

A colleague has asked me to share an office space with her. We are not in the same place financially in our careers. I'm trying to figure out what would be a fair deal for both of us, but I can't seem to get my head around the business logic. Can you guys help? My colleague has saved up enough capital to make the major investment required to rent a fairly large office space in a big city. The initial outlay -- including first month's rent, security deposit, taxes, realtor fees and other fees -- could run up to $30,000 depending on the space we find. I, on the other hand, am just starting out and have no savings to contribute to any of this, although I have enough clients to guarantee a monthly rent as I go along.

Here's where the math comes in. Colleague wants two rooms to work in, I need just one, and we'd share the communal space (waiting room, bathroom, kitchenette). I was thinking along the lines of a two-thirds/one-third split of the rent, but my future partner feels that since she's taking all the risk (the lease will be in her name and I will officially be subletting) and putting up all the initial money, the rent should be split 50/50.

Is this fair? If not, what would be? If yes, how do we handle utility bills, repairs and purchases for the space? If I pay half the rent for one-third the space, do I do that forever, or until I "pay back" half of the sum she fronted for the rental?

Job Dilemma

b33j — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 16:53:22 -0800

Do I take this job or shove it? Great opportunity except for one thing. I’ve recently interviewed for a job that is nearly everything I want. It’s an administrative position where I get to decide how I run the section, nobody to supervise, plenty of people to collaborate with, a warm and friendly working environment, close to the beach, opportunities to be innovative and enough money to satisfy me. I’ve worked with the head academic, A, on and off for the last ten years, and really like A and A's working style, and A trusts and respects me. If I take the job, I intend to keep it for the next 5 years.

There’s just one thing. The deputy head, B, is unpleasant. While I’ve been temping there, and during my interview for the permanent position, B has been rude, passive aggressive, and generally unlikeable, and not just to me,but to other staff as well. One example of this is how B refused to participate in a baby celebration for a staff member who skipped some entitled leave to return early, but B refused to present the gift on the grounds that the staffer was behind on work. B has a tendency to cover arse ahead of solving issues. (Office gossip says this is B's typical behaviour).

It appears B resents my longtime association with A as well as resenting A. I've seen B attempt to undermine A in meetings with outside stakeholders and not support A in the day-to-day running of the department. It’s the only thing I don’t like about the position, but B has the potential to make my working day unpleasant.

If I don’t take this job, I can have another, in the same building at a higher rate but 4 days a week, for 6 months, doing work that I would not like nearly as much, so I'm not desperate for a job.

What tips can you give me for making a decision about whether to take the job or not? Should I think of working with B as a dealbreaker? And if I do take the job, how do I handle B best?

"I like you but hate your taste in books". Can this be improved?

impluvium — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 04:59:21 -0800

What's the most polite way to return a book to someone who loved it, and lent it to you because they were sure that you would also love it -- but which is so far from your preferred genres that there is no way you will ever get through it? Asking for Mrs Impluvium, who recently got to know a work colleague quite well at a week-long conference. She really likes this colleague, and needed a book to read on the flight home. Her colleague lent her a book she'd just finished (along with a rave about how amazing it was). The catch is that it's totally not Mrs I's cup of tea, and she'd rather not waste time on it -- but she also wants to maintain the relationship with the colleague. Any ideas for polite ways to break up with the book but not the person?

Creative office hiding places for an ongoing coworker prank?

aquanet — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 11:26:18 -0800

My colleague and I are in a battle to hide a silly stress toy in each other's work spaces. Help me think of creative ways to get it to him! I work at a small company (~20 people), and a couple of weeks ago one of those popping martian stress dolls showed up in our office. I have a slight aversion to it, which my work-friend found very amusing. He started putting it on my desk while I wasn't around, and I would respond by putting it on his.

A few days later: this has escalated into a battle of sneaking the toy into each other's work spaces for the other person to find later on. It has shown up in my desk drawer, behind his trash can, behind my computer monitor, on TOP of his computer monitor. Today he upped the ante by FedEx'ing the thing to my desk in an envelope. Help me think of creative ways to get this thing back into his hands!

Some things to consider:

• We don't have individual offices or cubicles: it's one communal space with all of our desks out in the open
• Here is a picture of our desk setups – there is space under our monitors, a little tray to collect office supplies, and two drawers at each desk.
• The only other assigned personal space in our office are cubbies in the printer room

The office is egging us both on by this point and posting photos of our pranks in different places online. It can extend beyond the office – I have thought of sneaking it into his gym's locker room somehow – but it would be most entertaining if our coworkers were around to witness these.

Thanks in advance!

Please help me come up with an appropriate gift for an injured colleague.

cheapskatebay — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 08:13:31 -0800

Please help me come up with an appropriate gift for an injured colleague. (Warning: the injury description within is a little gruesome, but, I think, necessarily so. Please be advised if you're squeamish.) I just learned that a colleague in a remote office recently suffered a painful, traumatic hand injury. He sliced the tips off three of the fingers on his non-dominant hand in a snowblower accident. He lost a lot of blood and is in a lot of pain. To compound the problem, he's an avid pianist and it will be a considerable amount of time until he's sufficiently healed before he'll be able to play again.

I've met him in person only once, but we speak and e-mail on an almost daily basis. He provides administrative support for me and six other employees within the company. I'm quite fond of him and I was very upset to learn of this nasty, painful injury.

I'd like to organize a gift of some sort for the seven people, myself included, for whom he provides support. Do you have any thoughts on what might be appropriate in this instance? I was thinking that we could pool some money for a local restaurant gift certificate. Are flowers appropriate? A sympathy card surely is a good idea, too.

Thanks for any thoughts.

Help me get out of this weird friendship!

Anonymous — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 20:04:20 -0800

How do I politely and professional break of ties with a sort of creepy former colleague? I'm a mid-20s woman. While at my previous company, I became "friends" with a relatively high-level guy at a client I was working with. It started when he indicated how impressed he was with my work, and we'd occasionally trade friendly professional email. It then started going down the path of politely teasing me, then occasionally into things like "I can't believe you don't have a boyfriend!" This guy has kids my age and (seems to be) happily married, so it understandably made me uncomfortable. But, for harmony between his company and mine, and also because I don't like dealing with this sort of conflict, I mostly laughed it off and talked my way out of uncomfortable moments.

Last summer, I noticed him acting very similarly with his young female intern, so this seems to be a thing for him.

Anyway, I left my old company, and over the last six or so months he's continued to email me with updates on what his kids are up to, or pictures from his family vacation, or sending me links he thinks I'd like. I've pretty much ignored them or just responded with a one-line "thanks, looks cool."

He's often self-deprecating, and if he says something that even *he* thinks could be construed as obviously inappropriate, he'll backpedal and say, "Just let me know if this bothers you." That puts me in an awkward situation, and I've never really been able to say "Yeah, this bothers me." I've only called him on something he said once, but that was because it was relatively public and other colleagues could REALLY have taken it badly.

Today I got an email from him asking "What's up? I haven't heard from you in a while. Should I stop trying to chat with you?"

How do I take advantage of this and finally bow out of this weird creepy "friendship" for once and for all? I want to be polite about it, because it's not unlikely that we'd run in to each other in professional situations in the future, and we have a number of mutual friends and acquaintances at my old company. But just as I haven't found a good way to do it in the past, I'm having trouble thinking of the right thing to say now.

I wonder if I can buy a gag in the company colours...

Solomon — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 14:56:05 -0800

Please help me find the most tactful way to deal with a coworker who never shuts up. Long ranty details follow. I'll preface this by saying that usually, in this situation, I'd simply say something to the colleague in question, but that's already been tried.

Short version: A has some problems. She seems to think that the rest of us at my place of work (about 5 of us are regular staff, with some Saturday people as well) want to hear all about them. We don't. We really really don't. What can we say/do to make her shut up and stop treating us all like her therapist?

MUCH longer explanation: She comes from a strongly religious household, has a very controlling mother, has very few social skills (despite working in retail for the past 10 years) and has recently moved in with a boy. Her mother has quite predictably gone mad about this, especially since A has now formed a sexual* relationship with this guy.

*(They haven't actually had sex yet. She's hung some handcuffs on his bedroom door, but the most they've done is hold hands. Oh, and he kisses her on the cheek as he goes out to work.)

I've learned now not to say "alright?" when I see her at the start of my shift, because she will launch into a ten minute (as in actual ten minutes, not "feels like" ten minutes) harangue about the text messages her mother sent her last night, how many marshmallows her new beau put on her hot chocolate before bed last night and how stressed out she is about her brother's wedding.
I've learned not to make eye contact with her when it can possibly be avoided. I've learned not to ask her for help with customers, because she'll jabber on for a while about some random nonsense instead of helping either myself or the customer.
I've learned not to say "alright?" because I am not interested. At all. In the slightest. I was serving a customer at the till once, when she came to chat. When I moved onto the next customer, A moved around to the other side of the till and spoke to the back of the monitor for 15 minutes. At no point during this fifteen minute period did I acknowledge her in any way. She still kept talking.

What can I do to get her to stop talking to me? And by extension, what can all of us do to stop her talking to us about it?

I've tried offering advice. I've tried steering the conversation in a different direction. I've tried walking away but she follows me. I've spoken to our mutual supervisor about it, who spoke to A about the situation. A went missing for an hour and was found crying in the toilets. I'm running out of options here.

Lest anyone think I'm being callous, I am sympathetic. She's 26, having her first relationship ever with a guy she moved in with 2 months previously, and her mother does seem a little bonkers. I get that there is a lot of stuff going on in her life, and that she might feel overwhelmed about it. However, I am not close to this girl. I go to work to do a job and get paid. Greasing the wheel with a little social interaction is fine. Being turned into an emotional bucket for this girl's problems is not.

What can I do/say to this girl that wont cause a scene but will get her to shut the F up about her issues? Please give me some advice, because the Christmas meal is in a couple of weeks, and nobody wants to go, because A has put her name down on the list. This is a shame, because the rest of us get on quite well. It's just A.

I don't care what is wrong with her (if anything). I am not her friend, nor her gorram babysitter either. I also don't care about her problems. I just want her to go away so I can do my job in peace and quiet.

(Think this is too much info about something that you're not really interested in? Welcome to my world, 5 days a week. Pleas help me make it stop.)

How can I deal with a person at work who seems to be publicly shunning me?

Anonymous — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 09:00:44 -0800

How can I deal with a person at work who seems to be publicly shunning me? (She is not my direct supervisor, but she does hold some control over the funding for my department, and therefore, my job.) Last spring, I was assigned to a project that was the subject of some inter-departmental fighting. To make matters worse, before the project started, I was in the unenviable position of having to point out some pre-existing flaws in the project that required money to fix them. The longer they went unfixed, the more money this would eventually cost. This caused even more inter-departmental fighting.

Six months later, one of the administrators involved in the project still will not speak to me. I am pretty sure it is about this project, and is a kind of "shoot-the-messenger" situation. As I said above, she is not my boss, but she does hold power in that she controls some funding for my department.

Here are some examples of her behaviour:

1) I pass her in the hall and say hello; she ignores me and says nothing. (Before all this, she would always say hi to me.)
2) I am talking with a colleague and she passes by; the colleague and I say hello to her, and in return she stops, grasps my colleague's arm and says "Hello, _______." She says nothing to me, then she walks on.
3) She is the first person present for a meeting with my department. I walk in with two colleagues and we all say hello to her. She says, "Hello, ________. Hello, __________." And does not acknowledge me.
4) I send her an e-mail requesting information on some upcoming projects she is involved in; in the e-mail I say that my schedule is very flexible right now and I am available to meet any time in the next few weeks. She waits a week to reply, then sends me an e-mail saying, "I am not available to meet with you on any of the dates you proposed." I did not actually propose any specific dates in my original e-mail. This e-mail was intended on my part as a bit of an olive branch--I thought maybe if we met and talked in person it would smooth over hard feelings; but it was also a sort of test to make sure I wasn't just imagining that she is avoiding/shunning me.

Several of my colleagues have noticed and commented to me about her behaviour without my prompting. It is getting to the point where other people are noticing, and that disturbs me. I should add that I am well-liked by my colleagues and I get along with my direct supervisor. (This woman does not get along with my direct supervisor, and has in fact been witnessed shouting at her in meetings.)

I am concerned, because although we don't work together directly, she does have the ability to affect my job and my career, through funding decisions or programming decisions. I have not gone to my boss with this because I do not want to be a tattletale and I would like to solve this in a professional way. I have not confronted this woman directly because I don't know if this is the best approach and I don't want to inadvertently make things worse.

So far, I have chosen to take the high road and have been unfailingly polite to her. I always greet and acknowledge her even though this is not reciprocated. I think I will continue to take the high road--it's usually best in the long run--but wonder if there is anything else I could be doing.

Clarence Thomas good judgement filter:

Anonymous — Wed, 05 Apr 2006 13:36:38 -0800

Should I report my colleague's sexual harassment? I am a male faculty member at a unionized academic institution. A male colleague frequently uses sexual innuendo during department meetings. (Examples: After being assigned a task: "I like to get used" to the more offensive: "I was orgasmic!") But now he's taken to making some comments to others one-on-one. For example, a female coworker was plugging in her computer and he said to her, "I love to see you on your knees." Now the coworker says that because she's lived in big cities that she can "handle him." I want to report his behavior, but my close female colleagues don't want to go along with me. Excuses range from "he's of a certain generation" to pity for him to the fact that because he wields some authority that he'll go for revenge on me. Should I respect their concerns and do nothing or should I go with my conscience which tells me every thing about his behavior is wrong?

What do I get you?

russmail — Thu, 10 Nov 2005 10:35:26 -0800

SayonaraFilter: I've shared an office with a colleague for 3 years and tomorrow is his last day. I would very much like to get him some sort of sincere gift, but he doesn't drink booze or eat chocolate, so that's both my plans nixed already. To make matters worse... ...he really doesn't have any interests - "what did you do at the weekend?" - "nothing." "What are you doing for the holidays?" - "I dunno." Doesn't listen to music, has a girlfriend of 8 years he never talks about, never goes to the movies. We're friends and we respect each other, and 3 years is a long time to share a space with someone, but we don't hang out after work or anything.

So I guess what I'm saying is, what do you buy the man who has nothing...? In 24hrs...?