Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with childrearing

San Jose to Portland cheap & back on time for school?

morganw — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 12:29:35 -0800

How can I take my 9 year old to the Portland stop of the Alli Dew Tour from San Jose, CA cheaply? Should I? We went to the Baltimore stop of last year's tour because my parents & sister live there & we were already visiting. I was disappointed that he didn't brave the heat to see every minute of it (esp. 1/2 pipe BMX) considering the cost & opportunity (missed Boom Boom Huck Jam the year before), but he was an eight year old kid.

It's August 13-16. First day of fourth grade is Monday August 17.

With airport fees, Southwest SJC-PDX for two is $500, but the last flight out Sun night is kind of early. OAK or SFO is fine.

I considered driving 670 miles each way, but the return trip would be me trying to stay up (dangerous) and and him trying to sleep. The train is cost comparable to flying and has a much lower carbon output but is 19 hours each way, so doesn't work for Sun. night.

There's a Motel 6 downtown near the arena & there's an American Youth Hostel nearby via light rail that would be more of an adventure. I'd like to go a few days early & see more of Portland & visit area bike shops, but I don't know if he'd be game.

My wife & I work at a fruity high tech company in Silicon Valley, so we can sort of afford this, but we moved closer to work last summer (sold a house in a crappy market) and we're still not saving as much as we should.

Everybody was paint ball fighting

not_on_display — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 14:03:57 -0800

I'm seeking your thoughts and experiences with the sport of paintball. My 13 year old son has recently developed a keen interest in paintball after taking a trip with me, his uncle, and a friend to an outdoor paintball place. We all had an awesome time, and my son is now enthusiastic to the point of obsession about the prospect of buying a paintball gun. His mother and I are fine with our son playing the game occasionally--well supervised, with a family member or friend and the right equipment--but he would like to make a bigger commitment to the activity by purchasing equipment. We have some reservations about this, mostly revolving around making important purchases that require a commitment (especially when excited), about the impact on his schoolwork; his mom has especially strong reservations about the war-like aspects of paintball as well.

Our son is ADHD and has trouble following directions. In a potentially dangerous activity like paintball, participants should be capable of listening to intructions without need of repetition, and following them. My son has a consistently hard time with this in all arenas--from homework to housework to sports. During paintball, he was given a couple of warnings by the referees about removing his protective mask before taking that instruction to heart.

Once he makes a commitment to paintball by buying the equipment, he'll have an expectation that it will become a regular part of his life. There are some money issues with that prospect, but also, there's the larger issue relating to how we, his parents, would like to see him spending his time. He doesn't have a firm grasp on his eighth grade schoolwork--it is a continuous struggle to make sure he's getting his assignments written down and completed. Even with lots of support at school, he is still only squeaking by--we'd like him to show some academic discipline. Prior to paintball, we'd like to see him using his time to take a disciplined interest in music, karate, yoga, hiking, skiing, art, etc--all of which he has interest and experience in.

My son is on a veritable crusade to convince us that it's a worthwhile idea for him to invest in paintball equipment (which he wishes to purchase, used, with his own money made by shovelling neighbors' walkways among other odd jobs). I personally am leaning more toward buying the paintball "marker"; at the same time, I will not overstep his mother's wishes if she ultimately decides against his purchasing a gun. My own leanings toward facilitating a paintball-gun purchase makes his mother feel that I am not working with her on this. So, we would like to see a compromise, but we having a hard time working with each other to create a satisfactory one.

Has anyone else struggled with this issue with their teenager? How do you feel about paintballing, and its impact on kids who play it?

BABY? YEA or NAY?

snsranch — Tue, 22 May 2007 20:37:18 -0800

I'm on the fence about having a BABY! Please see more inside. We might be a bit old for child rearing/raising. We're both 38. I'm the step-pop of two fantastic boys who are 8 and 9. We are a very happy family, but the Mom and I are very much in Love and want to have a kid together.

I know it's silly to post this but I really respect and appreciate all of the facts, opinions and related tales that are shared here on AskMe.

Should we just go for it?

Concerns: I'm a gulf war vet-possible bad sperm, we're kinda old, cost of day care, will the boys react well, do I have to give up my martini habit?

Seriously, any anecdotes, ideas or opinions are appreciated.

Explaining euthanasia to a preschooler

dejah420 — Sun, 01 Apr 2007 19:00:27 -0800

Share your personal stories about explaining euthanasia to a preschooler. I have a 21 year old cat who has become simply miserable. Drastic lifesaving measures would only prolong her discomfort at this point. I love my cat, and don't want to put her down, but I believe I'm going to follow the vets recommendation.

However, despite my familiarity with psychological and ethical implications of death and dying, and despite reading tons of stuff on the web about explaining death to preschoolers, I find myself tearing up and getting emotional when I even think about taking Elderly Cat to the vet, and haven't been able to formulate a method for talking to my son about what is going to happen. I want to be honest with him, and I want him to realize that death is an inevitable part of life, but I don't want him to be frightened.

So, I'm asking for personal stories about explaining a pet's death or euthanasia to a child. What worked for you? How did you find the strength to hold yourself together and not be a soggy weeping mess? Would you, in this case, even try to explain euthanasia, or would you just tell him she passed on? I think I'm so upset about losing my long term cuddle buddy that I'm not thinking very clearly.

How do parents of ethnic minority children teach them about racism and -- most importantly -- how to deal with it?

jason's_planet — Fri, 17 Nov 2006 10:14:17 -0800

How do the parents of Black (and biracial and other ethnic minority) children teach them about racism and -- most importantly -- how to handle it? Lately, I've been thinking about having kids, and how I would raise them if I had them. Good parenting should prepare your children for a world that won’t love them unconditionally, the way that you do. A world that, at times, can be quite harsh and cruel. Parents of children who are Black (or biracial or from other ethnic minority backgrounds) know that one of the cruelties their children can encounter, over and above the typical slings and arrows of childhood and adolescence, is racial prejudice.

So how do their parents prepare them for this unpleasant aspect of our culture? What coping techniques do they teach them? What sorts of attitudes do their parents try to instill in them? I ask because I am white and this is a territory I don’t know well at all. As always, it would be great to hear from people who have first-hand knowledge of this topic.

Many thanks in advance.

Save us from watching Free Willy again

Gucky — Sat, 11 Nov 2006 18:24:48 -0800

What do you do with kids on a weekend evening (in the bay area)? We've already seen all the kids' movies (even the awful ones), hit Dave & Busters and Chuck E Cheese. The zoo, museums, Alcatraz and libraries are closed by 5. We've spent the rest of the week (and previous weekends) in, playing board games, watching family movies. We're all getting a little stir crazy and could use some out of the house fun.

We also live in a city (SF) that has a notoriously low number of families with kids. None of our friends have kids and they're out. Or hanging in watching movies that the kid simply can't partake in.

She's seven, we're in our early 30s and are more geeky than sporty. We've got a scary stack of board games and game systems. She's too old for baby stuff. She's precocious and cynical but is certainly not into pre-teen stuff. It's important to us that all of us enjoy the activity at least at some level.

What do you do on a Saturday night and have a good time when you're kidded?

In marriage, what is more powerful: Love or God?

Anonymous — Thu, 05 Oct 2006 05:20:58 -0800

I love my wife. She is deeply religious. I have become an atheist. Do I tell her? What now? I have searched the archive and read other posts that approached this, but none seem to fit well enough for my comfort. I apologize for the length of this question, but I want to give as much information as possible, as I am asking it anonymously and don't want to over-simplify a complicated issue.

My wife was raised Baptist and I Catholic, although I spent much of the time agnostic. She was so devout that we had an argument before we were dating wherein she said Hitler would be more likely to get into heaven than Ghandi because Hitler believed in Jesus. (I know there are stories apocryphal and otherwise that disparage Ghandi's character, but for the sake of example this will have to do). And, while wishing no offense to those who share her beliefs, I found it strange and personally irreconcilable that she thought the world was only 6,000 years old and dinosaurs either lived during the time of man or were faked by science or God to test us.

Despite all this I attempted to court her--there were innumerable other good qualities; her only "failing", as I saw it, was her fanaticism, which should have been enough to stop me, but we were 16 and 17 at the time and long-term relationship considerations did not enter into my mind. Not surprisingly, she listed my lack of faith as the reason we couldn't be together.

Fast-forward a few years. I go a little crazy in college and pretty much burn out my jack-ass party-animal capacitor, calming down unrecognizably by the time I graduate. She goes to college and grows in tolerance and independent religious thought by leaps and bounds. We talk during this time, her using her religious background to help talk me through some rough patches and I use my un-abiding cynicism and insensitive arrogance to get her to question some of the perceived illogic of the Bible and organized religion (getting her to move from a literal interpretation of the bible to view it more as a mixture of history, fable and allegory). We have long discussions wherein I ask her why a sect supposedly based on Jesus's infinite love and forgiveness has so many churches teaching hate and intolerance (against homosexuality, other faiths, misogyny, racism, etc.)
The long and the short of it is she became much, much more tolerant, open-minded and free from the inflexible teachings of her church and I gained a small spark of faith in return.

We started dating, and again I fell head over heels for her. As ridiculous and cheesy as it sounds, I found it her proof of God, I saw our love as a kind of religious awakening. She truly is a very good person; generous, patient, forgiving, etc. and I saw her as an example. Our romance allowed me to have faith and my faith allowed us to have romance.

I still love her, but too many things have happened or not happened in the macro-world and our small private microcosm. Old fallacies and illogic have crept back. Every church we have tried together has either expressed intolerance towards others or blatant sexism. And I have continued friendships with my mostly atheist college friends, with whom discussions about the negative impacts of religion have further quashed my belief in invisible, absentee gods. The contradictions, paradoxes, illogic and unanswerable questions ("God works in mysterious ways" or "We cannot comprehend his infinite wisdom" are non-answers to me") solidified my atheism.

Despite all this, I do not feel her belief makes her "gullible", "fooled", "ignorant" or "stupid." I feel it makes her happy and that's all that matters. On the important things that anger me about religion, listed above, she agrees with me.

But I don't know what to do. Me having faith was so important to the start of our relationship. A former boyfriend lied about his faith to date her and she felt justly betrayed. I didn't lie, I did believe, but I don't any longer. I truly want to be honest with her but also want her to remain happy (both of our families are religious and this would add to the strain). As I don't foresee any punishment from a God I don't believe in for lying to keep her happy I'm not sure if her happiness is worth more than my honesty. This is my first question: Is it worth it to admit my lack of faith when it has no impact (save question two) on our life? When there is a chance it may create a wedge between us, even if it doesn't end the relationship?

And my second question, the one that really bothers me:
We plan on having children and I want them to make their own decisions. "Good Christians" raise their children in the church, but I don't like the idea of unquestioning faith, in God or science. I want my children to be able to ask why and be comfortable finding the answers out on their own. I also fear that, while I support my wife's decision in faith, she is an adult. I don't like the idea of what, to me, would be lying to children. I have this idealized, optimistic view of the children going to church with her on Sunday and coming home and asking us both questions about how we believe and interpret the sermon, and deciding when they are mature enough whether or not this is something they want to pursue. I'm not sure if this is realistic, as it seems a little to modern-Rockwellian to be possible.

If anyone has personal anecdotes, experiences, or any opinions or answers I would greatly appreciate it.

Other, possibly applicable information: We are both in our mid-20s, live a few states away from our families (she is very close to hers and I am somewhat estranged from mine), have a group of friends spanning most faiths and levels of belief, have been married two years and have only had 2 "fights" which were completely resolved. The only other points of contention we have are minor deficiencies we both recognize in ourselves and are constantly working to improve without medication (she has attention deficit disorder and is "flighty" and I am bipolar, sometimes resulting in rude or cold behavior).

Attention Deficit Disor... what?

five fresh fish — Tue, 15 Mar 2005 20:37:00 -0800

I've got a kid 'round here recently diagnosed as very likely ADD. What now? Let's all assume that this is, indeed, a valid disorder and correct diagnosis, so that we can usefully relate experiences and solutions without getting in a sideline discussion.

I am interested in personal experiences, both from parents and from childhood memories. I am interested in any ameliorating habits or behaviours you developed. I am a interested in any changes in diet, activity, sleep, or whatnot helped you to have an effective life.

I am not much interested in drug therapies at this time. I am not interested at all whether you feel ADD falls within the range of normal human behaviour.

Thank you, especially to all for whom this is a very personal question!

How do you tell a 5-year-old about divorce?

Gucky — Wed, 09 Mar 2005 15:30:20 -0800

My husband and I are about to legally separate with joint custody of our 5-year-old daughter. How do we break the news to her? She's a shy, sensitive and frighteningly serious 5-year old. She knows what divorce is from friends around her. She's going to spend half the week in her current home and half the week in a new place. The separation will take place the 18th.

We're friendly to each other around her and have been paying plenty of attention to her.

I know there's no *good* way to tell her our marriage is over. We got the standard we still love her, we're still her parents and it's not her fault.

Any advice, either from your memories of childhood or breaking it to your own kids?

Keeping Toddlers Entertained

Framer — Mon, 03 Jan 2005 03:53:54 -0800

We've read every book, played with water in the sink, re-arranged all of his cars and trains, played hide-and-seek, climbed on the dog, and it's only 9 a.m. What was your favorite indoor activity as a two-year old, or what's keeping your favorite toddler amused these days?

Entertaining Young Kids

ferociouskitty — Sun, 11 Jul 2004 05:21:20 -0800

(Probably more useful for next time, but...) My niece (6) and nephew (4) are over, spending the night. After about an hour with our "toy box," they were officially Bored. Mom and Dad won't be here for a good four hours yet. How to entertain kids with a neighborhood full of friends at home and a toy room that rivals Toys R Us?

Crafts with Kids

five fresh fish — Wed, 04 Feb 2004 10:37:48 -0800

Parents! I could use some ideas for various crafts, hobbies, and quiet activities for kids aged 8 through 13. I'm doing some long-term care for a friend, and I want to wean them from the g.d. boob tube. Cheap, quiet, and independent are key factors. TIA!