Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with childcare

Help me not freak out at my boss or have my boss freak out at me

Anonymous — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 13:15:19 -0800

How to deal with a boss who might have Asperger's? I'm the new nanny for a 4-year-old child on the Autism spectrum. At first I thought my boss was a self-centered and rude to the extreme. We have been working side-by-side because her child is difficult to handle.

She completely forgot that I need to eat food. She dragged her former nanny through a museum at super speed though she was suffering from a severely injured toe. Every time I mentioned something not directly related to her, she looked at me like I was a space alien. What an asshole, right?

Then I got to know her a little bit better. It became clear that she is making a significant effort to make me feel comfortable and valued. The effort does not always translate correctly. For example, she freaked out at the prospect that I might want to eat the food in her apartment. I don't get a lunch break to go out and get lunch, besides, I need snacks, drinks, etc throughout the day. She stated that their housekeeper purchased her mother's food for her mother. So it is her mother's food. My boss took that to mean that her mother would never allow me to touch it. We're talking basics like milk, grapes, bread. Then, the next day, she told me I could eat her mother's food because, of course, her mother doesn't mind. This is a good example of her literal-mindedness and ignorance of some social norms (you let the people who are stuck in your home for 8+ hours a day drink your milk).

She now makes an effort to ask me about my life, in a bit of a stilted way, as though she scheduled that particular 5 minutes for "ask nanny about her life". She listens to my jokes politely although she does not have a sense of humor for anything but the completely absurd. Even that tends to get a surprised laugh/guffaw instead of a happy laugh.

She lectures. Oh, the lectures. They are long and boring and she does not notice when I want to talk or respond. She has described an excellent memory and academic success (in the top three of her class at Ivy League law school). It's not an issue of intelligence.

Keep in mind that I work side-by-side with her for 2+ hours every day (the rest of the day I'm with her child alone).

Questions:
Do you think she has Asperger's?
Do you know someone else who has Asperger's? What is it like to live/work with them?
Where can I learn more about it? I get the basics that one can find on wikipeda, so I'm looking for higher-level, more complex writing either by or about adults with Asperger's syndrome. Books, websites.

Any general suggestions about getting along with her, as someone who is extroverted, cheerful, playful, and somewhat inconsistent (meaning, I fluster her by not adhering to predictable routines)? Things that I should avoid doing?

The job is just what I'm looking for--challenging, their place is nice and cozy, the commute is great. Financially, I don't have another viable option. I had been looking for full time work for 4 months before finding this job. So "quit" or "find something else" are not good answers.

What to do at Grandma's house

yawper — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 11:30:43 -0800

What kind of activities can a 5-year-old do alone to entertain herself? My daughter goes to my mom's 2 days a week, from 9 am to 3 pm. She’s getting really, really bored. My mom is an amazing grandmother and does all the things grammies should do. My daughter loves her to bits. But she’s old school. Just as she never played with me – she expected my brother and I to entertain ourselves/each other – she doesn’t play with my kid. She’s not elderly or inactive, and she talks and jokes with her. But doing crafts or baking brownies is not her thing, and that’s not going to change. And money is tight right now, so paying to put my daughter in daycare is not an option either. Nor do I want to enroll her in classes or organize playdates that would require my mom to drop her off/pick her up/otherwise intrude on her schedule. She is already helping me out a ton (in this and many other ways) so I don’t want to impose on her any further.

So, what’s a bored 5-year-old to do? I need ideas for activities OR toys/products that will stimulate her imagination and keep her entertained for half-hour stretches. Things that she can do almost completely independently (my mom would help her set up, or answer questions for her etc). Here are the things she’s getting maxed out on:

TV or computer time (she’s not a big fan of these to begin with)
Books (she’s just in the beginning stages of learning, so it’s mostly looking at pictures and making up stories)
Colouring/activity books
Jigsaw puzzles
Play-Dough
Playing with dolls (CRAZY about dolls but tires of playing them by herself)
Leap Pad (we have an older version; can anyone recommend the best newer equivalent type of toy?)

I am fully open to old-fashioned suggestions, like paper dolls and basic science experiments. We lean more towards that kind of stuff in my house than gadgets anyway.

Also, my daughter does go to school the other 3 days of the week and gets plenty of social activities on the days she’s not at her grandma’s.

Nighttime noises

larsks — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 17:42:53 -0800

Help us quiet our suddenly screechy-at-bedtime 19mo daughter! Difficulty: shares room with brother. Our 19-month old daughter has suddenly decided that (a) she's not particularly sleepy at bedtime, and (b) it's fun to giggle and screech and make noises for at least an hour after being put to bed.

It would be cute except for that the fact the she's sharing a room with her (3.5 year old) brother, and she is keeping him up. And honestly, it's not that great for her, either; she really could use the sleep.

We're not entirely sure how do deal with this, since visiting the room and shushing her just confirms to her that being screechy and giggly is a good way to get a visit from The Parents. We've tried relocating her brother for a few days to another room, but that's not really a good long term solution right now. We were hoping that she'd forget about all the fun and excitement, but he's in his own bed tonight and the noise continues.

You'd figure that at some point she'd get tired! Maybe she just needs to go to bed a little later, but (a) she's never been a very good napper, and (b) she tends to be an early riser, which doesn't bode well for her getting enough sleep.

Adventures In Babysitting

Mrs Hilksom — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 12:09:30 -0800

Hiring-a-nanny-filter: did the interviews, chose the perfect nanny. Then she dropped off the face. Hired someone else. Then the original nanny resurfaced with an excellent explanation. I want the original nanny! What to do? This is three months of prep in the making: we're in Europe doing 2 months of work here, then another city, and then another city. Lots of meetings, shoots, and general logistics must be done, during which our kids have to be... elsewhere, being enriched, with a nanny.

With the help of an online service I've used (with great success) in the past, I had an initial list of about 10, pared it down to four, and the winning candidate was great in the interview. I emailed the other candidates to tell them sorry and thanks but I'd chosen someone else.

Didn't hear back from her. Didn't hear back. Still didn't hear back. Totally confused. She seemed to really want the job. She seemed like such a good fit. She and I seemed to have a great rapport. She really didn't give off the Flakey McFlakerpants feeling.

10am, 11am, 12pm... in this digital world of ours, by 2pm I started to worry. Given our speed of back and forth via email and phone in the past, by 4pm I started to really worry. And by 6pm panic set in. We have absolutely unmoveable, important it-took-ages-to-arrange-there-will-be-no-rearranging meetings tomorrow afternoon. She knows this. More importantly, *I* know this. And I am shitting myself at the prospect of no childcare for tomorrow (and having to start over on the hiring process to cover the rest of our stay here).

At 7pm I threw up my hands and called another candidate who had seemed great in the initial rounds but when salary negotiations began was way more expensive. In light of the fact that no childcare is not an option, 30% more was suddenly a small price to pay. So we talked and I booked her for tomorrow. No interview, but she's older, very competent via email, I'm confident in her background, etc.

Then I got a text from the winning candidate - she'd lost her phone, is thrilled about the position, and is all rearing to go for tomorrow. Obviously she has no idea what's gone on at my end today, since she hasn't heard my messages and hasn't seen that I've called her no fewer than six times. All she's heard is that I've chosen her for the job and it starts tomorrow.

But in essence: F*ck! Now what?

So this is what I want to do: I want to take the original winning candidate. I want to say thanks sorry sorry sorry sorry THANKS and SORRY to the new expensive candidate that I managed to book for tomorrow. But given my epiphany about the salary being worth it, I want to slap a sudden raise onto what I was going to pay the original winning candidate, since this seems only fair given I was going to pay the sight-unseen older nanny as much to be the last-minute saviour.

How would you handle this? Would you take the original nanny? Would you stick with the new one and tell the original to suck eggs? How do you explain to the new nanny that you don't want them anymore? What to do?

(I'm still recovering from the adrenalin panic of an hour ago when I had no candidates, and my judgement may be questionable.)

Part-time live-in nannying

easy_being_green — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 15:41:39 -0800

I just accepted a job as a part-time live-in nanny and I'm looking for advice from all parties (nannies, parents and children) who have experienced this situation before. The family is in Berkeley and has two girls ages 7 and 10. My primary responsibilities for them will be getting them ready for school in the morning, picking them up in the afternoon and tutoring. The apartment is an in-law studio unit with a private entrance with access to the laundry room in the main house. When I interviewed with the family they showed me a contract and very detailed hourly work records that they have used with nannies in the past, so I'm not worried about an indentured servitude-type situation. What does concern me is maintaining privacy and boundaries with the kids and how it feels to live and work in the same place. Any tips, tricks or things you wish you had known before entering this kind of situation would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

Pregnant nanny.

Anonymous — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 20:31:31 -0800

Our nanny, who is otherwise *perfect*, just informed us that she is pregnant. She would like to continue working through the pregnancy and after her child is born. Is this a good idea? She's only been working for us for a few weeks, but she's wonderful. We found her through a workmate and she came very highly recommended, having just finished caring for 2 children from the age of 3 months old until they went to school. It was very important to her old family that they find her a great new family to work for. No agency involved (ie she's inexpensive), she's reliable, flexible, very nice, no immigration issues, and our three month old son *loves* her.

I have good reason to say I believe her when she says this was unplanned and she had no idea she was pregnant when she agreed to start working for us. It was very emotional for her when she broke the news to us and she feels awful about this.

She's made it clear that she needs to continue to work as a nanny throughout the pregnancy and needs to do so after her child is born, whether it is for us or for someone else. She says her family will be able to care for her baby after he/she's born and she won't need to bring him/her to our house.

Here's where things get complicated. We hired her with the understanding that we would enter into a nanny share situation with some good friends of ours in 3 months' time. We simply can't afford what we're paying now indefinitely. She asked for $12 an hour for a single child, and $14 for the nanny share. Because this is lower than the going rate and we really liked her, we agreed to pay the $14 for these first three months by ourselves and to continue $14 for the share down the road.

Here's the issues:
1. We don't think our friends will agree to a nanny share with a pregnant woman, nor do we think she'll be able to keep up nannying for 2 infants with her own newborn at home, despite what she says. We can't afford $14 an hour by ourselves long term. By restructuring some debt, we *probably* could stretch and afford $12 an hour, so we'll be asking her to take a pay cut.

2. Assuming no complications in the pregnancy (*big* assumption I know), I do think she'll be able to keep up with one child, but frankly we feel a little weird about her abandoning her own infant to come take care of ours. I know if she's not doing this for our child, she'll do it for someone else's, but still. We were going to offer to have her bring her baby to our house on some days, but does this entitle us to ask for a lower rate? And would this be weird?

3. If things go well, we'll still have about six weeks postpartum without her. I think we can swing this with our family filling in, or with day care, but it's still an issue.

4. We feel like we hit the jackpot with her. It would not be easy to find someone as trustworthy without an agency involved which would really jack up the cost. Day care options for us (we have weird work schedules, no facilities near our house) are very suboptimal which is how we ended up with a nanny in the first place.

5. She's a really nice person and we'd like to support her in any way possible without sacrificing our child's welfare. I think she will have significant problems setting up another employer while pregnant or with a new baby, particularly a family that is as easy going and understanding as we are.

So, you can tell, we are leaning towards trying to make this work out if we can, but are there any other issues or pitfalls we should consider? Have you ever had a nanny go through a pregnancy or have children of her own, and how did that go?

To Grandmother's block we go?

Bardolph — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 18:02:45 -0800

Trying to decide just how close to move to our kid's (very enthusiastic) grandparents. If you've experienced the childrearing-with-nearby-grands situation (as kid, grand OR parent), how did it work out? Any advice on encouraging involvement while still maintaining boundaries? My family (me, husband, infant daughter) will soon be relocating for work reasons. Conveniently, this will also put us in the same area where my parents live. We're currently in the process of house-hunting, and most of what we've seen falls into one of two categories: either very very close (5-10min) to the folks, or moderately far away (~35-40min).

Both of my parents will be retired within 5 years and have expressed interest in babysitting, which is a definite plus. I'm a little concerned, though, because my mom, while awesome, is a pretty dominant person, not great on dialogue, and has already started to be mildly critical of my parenting choices (nothing major; just your garden-variety lecturing about how the baby would sleep so much better if I'd just put her on her stomach, how I'm buying into Internet hoohah by opting for phthalate-free baby items, etc.). I'm wondering just how complicated it will be to keep a loving and open relationship with the grands while still maintaining my nuclear family as a separate entity and emphasizing to everyone that Mr. B and I have the final authority as parents.

Since geographical proximity will obviously matter a lot in how this plays out, I'd love some perspectives from grandparents, children or parents who've either loved or hated having the generations living very close to one another. (Obviously, a lot of this will depend on individual personalities, but I'm hoping others' experiences will alert me to considerations that might not have occurred to me.) Bonus points if anyone can speak to the boundaries issue, but really, I'll take commentary on any part of the situation, pros and cons alike. Thanks!!

How do people afford kids and also have time for them?

rabbitrabbit — Thu, 14 May 2009 18:40:12 -0800

Time, money, work, and children. How do people do it? It seems we could afford it, or have time for it, but not both. I've been thinking about having kids for a while now, and Mr. Rabbit seems to slowly be warming up to the idea, so I think it's time to really analyze how we could make this work. The thing is, I already feel like my life is really busy -- how the heck could I add kids to that without going crazy?

We would both still have to work full-time -- we have a balanced household budget, but there's not a whole lot extra and we could not meet all our financial obligations on one salary -- and we don't have family close by (no built-in babysitters). I'm wondering how other people do this. If you and your partner both work full-time and make a modest living, how do you add children to the mix?

Is there an RSS feed of instructions for taking care of a baby?

ND¢ — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 05:23:27 -0800

So we recently had a baby, and I am looking for an RSS feed that will teach me how to take care of her. I have a book, but I have never been great about reading non-fiction and it goes into a lot of detail about stuff, and I really just want bullet points. I just need the basics. Like I asked my wife this morning how long it would be until she just ate solid foods and I have asked like ten times when she gets potty trained, and I know I could look that stuff up, but who has the time?

Anyway, here is what I am looking for: an RSS feed that is timed to a baby's age. So then it updates you with information relevant to that age. Like "Your baby is 4 months old. She will start teething soon. Give her something to chew on or something." My wife gets the babycenter version of that weekly I think, and it is pretty good, but it is a lot of articles that you have to go read and I am really more interested in sentences rather than articles. Like a baby fact a day would be great.

So what I want are simple short instructions about how to care for a baby the age of my baby delivered by RSS feed. Does it exist? I googled but didn't see anything. Thanks a lot in advance.

Remodeling this old spouse

lgandme0717 — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 11:40:29 -0800

Would like to end the ongoing clashes over housework and childcare with my husband. What has worked for your family? I have worked for myself as a freelance Web developer and computer tutor for seven years. The only work I do out of the home is when I'm tutoring (a couple of half-days a week). My husband has a demanding job, but telecommutes from home unless he has client meetings or is traveling on business. We also have a four-year-old son who is in pre-K all day as well as several additional activities (music, karate, soccer).

From time to time we have these awful arguments over housework and childcare that I really am so so sick of. They seem to get kicked off if I ask my husband to do something -- I swear it's always a reasonable-sounding task -- that he just refuses to do, usually without explanation. It drives me crazy because I feel that I do and do for him and my son all day long with little acknowledgment or thanks. It's getting so I'm afraid to ask him to do anything, which of course just escalates my rseentment.

For example, last night it was giving my son a bath; my husband just refused without explanation. He has actually only given my son a bath himself once in our 4-y.o. son's life.

My husband and I have been together for 18 years. We each manage our own finances. I do all of the housework and yard work. If we're all eating the same thing, I do all the cooking. Since I'm a vegetarian and my husband isn't, we often each prepare our own dinners. I prepare all meals for my son too. I chauffeur my son to and from school every day, plus playdates, and most after-school activities. My husband is involved in several time-consuming interests -- working out and the gym and a theater group -- that I do encourage him to do, but it gets very hard for me to ever get to take time for myself.

After recent arguments, my husband started taking my son with him for a five-hour block of time on Saturdays; they have lunch together, go to karate, and then my son plays with the gym's babysitter while my husband goes to the gym. But when we're arguing, he will say things like, "It sure must be nice to have five hours to yourself every weekend" -- even though during that time I'm usually doing housework I can't do with my son underfoot -- and that my husband would never do himself. For example, last Saturday I painted the dining room; this Saturday I'm deep-cleaning for a Halloween party we're throwing tomorrow.

The resentment is really eating at me and my husband is just feeling criticized and nagged. I really want to turn this around so we have a more loving partnership. What has worked for you in dividing up childcare and housework?

Mum thinks it's OK to sub-contract childcare - what do you think?

lottie — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 23:33:46 -0800

Perspective filter: When my Mum is caring for my baby, is it reasonable for her to have someone else, who I don't know, care for him? Angst and hair-pulling follows. I've hit a sticking point on an issue with my (beloved) Mum, and just need some objective viewpoints to understand who is misguided in this situation. We are the closest of friends, but we just can't seem to see eye-to-eye on this small point.

Some background: My Mum cares for my year-old son two days a week. For this I am very, very grateful because she does not want to be paid, does so with a great deal of love and energy, and takes time off work to do so. I have asked her many times if she is happy with the arrangement and she insists that she would be crushed if she couldn't care for him on those days. I trust her care completely - she is loving, attentive and has a lot of common sense. I can't fault her as a Mum, and Grandmother, after all she raised me and my brother without any problems.

Happy then.

Anyway, my son is with her now, and I just talked with her on the phone, and she said that a friend of hers from work is going to take care of my son tomorrow for a half hour to an hour while she goes to the gym with a friend. This news gave me a knot in the stomach - I have met the friend once, and while she seems nice enough, I have absolutely no real opinion of her, good or bad, I simply don't know her, so I was very upset that I was being told, not asked if this was an OK arrangement.

Mum's view is that if I trust her, I trust her completely to make good choices, and that she would never leave my baby with someone she didn't feel was up to it. My position is that is beside the point - I do trust her, but I simply do not know this woman from a bar of soap. The friend is doing this as favour, by the way, not being paid or anything like that. I'm not a control freak, but I do feel I should have been consulted about this, not just told after the plans had been made.

I don't have any specific concerns, but if Mum has asked me if it was OK to sub-contract the care of my son, I would have asked a number of questions to figure out how I felt about it, such as where is she taking him? Is she driving anywhere? How long will you be? Will she be alone? Or with other people? I don't know if it's OK with me, because I don't know all the details.

My son has, to date, only been cared for by family and close personal friends. I've left him in the care of a close friend, but wouldn't leave him with a baby-sitter yet, because he's pretty young. When I put it to Mum that I don't leave him in the care of anyone but the closest of friends or family, she said "Oh, but he goes to childcare one day a week - those aren't family or freinds!" This is ridiculous to me - those are trained pros, and not the same as some friend she knows from work.

Mum is very upset over me saying I think she should have asked, and is basically saying "Well I won't go then... forget it" and points out, honestly enough, that she doesn't have a lot of time in her week to do the things she wants because of caring for the baby. I am very empathetic to this, and have said over and over that it's not about saying she can't go and do these things, it's the consultation with me about the baby's care that is the issue.

The reason this is a big deal is that she can't see it my way, and I can't see it hers. She's very upset by it and says I obviously don't trust her to make good choices. I feel frustrated because I feel like my problem with the situation isn't at all being understood, but don't want to give the impression that I don't appreciate the help she gives me. I don't want to think I'm a controlling pain in the ass - she should feel she has freedom when he is in her care, but for me, this was an obvious limit that I feel should have been discussed. She has also said she should have "just done it, and not told me" then it wouldn't have been such a big issue. Very frustrating for me, lemme tell ya.

She asks me what I could possibly think would go wrong, and I say, I don't really anticipate anything going wrong, I would just like to personally know anyone who is going to take care of my baby son. What if this person does the same and hands the baby to a friend or relative while she goes and does something? I don't know because I don't know the person.

I have said now that it's OK for her to stick with her plans, I just would have liked a chat first, but she is basically saying "Forget it, I won't go" like I took the joy out of life for her. We are going around in circles over this.

If it helps to understand the situation at all, we rarely, if ever disagree. And another tiny element - she is in a country location where from her perspective, everything is laid back and OK, and for her to know someone chatting at work makes them an intimate friend to her.

Some perspective, if you please... who needs to shift position on this? Do we both need to get over it?

Male Babysitters: Am I Being Irrational?

scrump — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 11:29:57 -0800

We have a 3 1/2-year-old son. Our current babysitter, the daughter of one of my wife's coworkers, is leaving for university shortly, and we're trying to find a replacement for her. The same coworker has a son who's about 16 years old. Our son is familiar with the coworker's son, as well as the son's girlfriend. We discussed asking the son's girlfriend whether she did babysitting, but then realized that we would be, in effect, telling the son and the coworker that we didn't trust the son.

I am far, far more against the idea of her son babysitting for us than my wife is, and the kicker is that it appears to have nothing to do with the kid himself. He's a good kid, and, as far as we know (my wife and the coworker are pretty close), is about as straight-arrow as you can get.

My issue appears to be more or less exclusively that he's male, and that I just don't like the idea of a male babysitting my son. Am I being irrational?

Full time childcare for a toddler

malphigian — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 13:44:04 -0800

I'm looking for some advice on full time preschool/child care for a 2+ year old. First off, a little background:
I'm in the midst of trying to sort out a new childcare situation for our daughter (2 years, 3 mo currently).

Unfortunately, my wife and I work full time without a ton of flexibility. We need help from 8:30ish to 6:00ish every weekday. We are working on each taking one afternoon off, which may help a little.

Our daughter has had a full time babysitter. She's been great, and all has been well. That said, the kid has gotten increasingly social and we think she could really benefit from starting preschool in the fall.

Complicating factor: we're in the midst of moving to a new town. So we are losing our great babysitter and we don't have a lot of time to figure this all out.

Now, my questions:
-Only a fraction (1/3rd maybe?) of the preschools we've found offer full time care. Most of them are a few days a week or mornings only. Worse, all the blogs and message board threads I read seem to discuss people sending their toddlers part time. This gives me pause, do they avoid full time because it's a bad idea? Are we setting our daughter up for an overly stressful situation?

-If not, what is our other option? Hiring a new part time babysitter, and having that person pick them up after preschool? This sounds complicated and potentially expensive, but we'll figure it out if that is the better way to go.

I'd appreciate any advice from other parents who have looking into full time care for this age group. Links or book recommendations which discuss the topic would be great as well.

Thanks in advance!

How to split the baby

A Terrible Llama — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 07:14:28 -0800

I'm looking for thoughts on how to split up baby care between partners during maternity leave. Mr. LLama and I just had a beautiful baby girl by c section last week. After a nightmarish week of attempted breastfeeding, we've gone with formula. This has worked out nicely (even though it was a source of sadness for me initially) because we've gotten a routine split in baby care going.

However, next week Mr. LLama returns to work at the Llamatorium. What are some ways people have split up childcare once Dad returns to work and Mom goes into poop patrol full time?

The equality in the split we have now is nice, but Mr. LLama has to wake up at 4:30 to go to work and we can't put him in a chronically sleep deprived position because of the toll that takes on a relationship. I'll be able to nap and he won't.

Ideally, I'd like plan that has me and the baby up at 4:30 too (even if I'm awake but the baby isn't--that sleep when the baby sleeps thing seems impossible to me.)

She's not a difficult baby so far--she's not a screamer--but she is up 2 or 3 or 4 times a night. She sleeps in her crib in our room. We were going to do a family bed but I haven't felt safe because I can't roll over or lie on my side easily because of the incision. The crib in the room seems to be working well.

I looked at the previous threads and found some good ideas but no thread specifically dedicated to this.

A good combination bike trailer/jogging stroller?

drezdn — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 11:21:35 -0800

Can you recommend a good combination bike trailer/jogging stroller. Once my baby can safely do it, I'd like to take him on bike rides and jogging trips, but I don't have the room to really store both of them. Is there a good combination one that my wife and I should keep our eye out for?

Drop off child care in Manhattan?

shivohum — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 12:25:16 -0800

What are some great places for drop-off child care in Manhattan? We need to be able to bring a 3-year-old and leave her in safe hands for a few hours. Any places that are open till late at night (midnight or 1 am)? Thanks.

No! Color in the coloring book, not on Mommy's manuscript!

libraryhead — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 20:01:16 -0800

Toddlers and copyediting do not mix. Help me figure out childcare. My husband and I have a (sweet, clever, rambunctious) 2-year-old daughter. For the past year, she went to a wonderful babysitter three days a week while I worked part time. Now I've lost my job and my babysitter (laid off from the job, and the babysitter found better-paying work--not babysitting). I'm pregnant again, due in August, and have decided not to look for a permanent job, since I plan to stay home with the new baby for a while.

Luckily, I can get freelance work in my field and work from home but, as with most freelance, it can be a little erratic. Some weeks I might not get anything. Other times I'll have a big project with a short deadline and have to work long hours to get it done. I'd love to have a steady stream of 30-hour projects coming in on a regular basis, but that's just not the way this business works.

My question is: How can I organize childcare that works with an irregular work schedule? I don't make so much per hour that I feel like I can afford to pay for too many hours of daycare when I'm not working. But when the big projects come in I'm really stuck if I don't have a babysitter booked. I just can't work for more than 15 minutes without being interrupted, and when I try I feel guilty for parking her in front of "Elmo TV". The girl *loved* going to her babysitter, where there were two other kids to play with and lots of toys and activities. I want her to have that opportunity, but I just can't see myself ferrying her around to a bunch of playdates. I'm not the kind of mom who likes nothing better than getting down in the sandbox or breaking out the finger paints, either. We'll both be happier if she has some playtime while I have some work time.

We've thought about hiring a "mother's helper" to come to the house part time. Since I'll be home, too, we could probably go with a student or someone less experienced and not have to worry so much. But mornings are my best work times, and I'd guess most students would be in class then. My concern about hiring someone directly is that the arrangement I really want -- being able to expand and contract hours at need -- doesn't seem very fair to them, and they could be in a tight spot if they're counting on a certain salary to pay the rent and only have the one client (me).

Maybe a home daycare is the way to go, but the few I've checked out via Craigslist seem kind of skeevy, to be honest. There must be good ones, but I don't know how to find places with openings, or if they would have the flexibility I need. I don't think she needs or wants the heavy structure of a big, preschool-style center, and the one place I checked out doesn't do part days anyway.

And, of course, we want someone loving and trustworthy who will care for our little girl and have fun with her. Come August, everything changes. We just need to hold it together for five months without going crazy.

Are there options I haven't thought of? Has anyone out there successfully figured out freelance-friendly childcare? Specific tips about how to go about finding the right provider and how much we should expect to pay are also welcome. We're in the northern suburbs of Boston, if it matters.

Nanny sharing

beccaj — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 11:47:18 -0800

I am going back to work and need child care in Nov. The baby will be a year and I am thinking of nanny sharing. I was planning to pay a little more than who ever (havent found that person yet!) I share with to have it in my home since Dad works at home and my mom is avail for portions of the day to help too.
I was looking around but can't find if in Massachusetts it wou ld be considered a "day care" and I would need licensing.
I assume we would have to pay medicare and SS as an employer as well.
Insurance??
Any advise on nanny sharing/day care welcome!

Child will not eat at school

dnthomps — Sat, 18 Aug 2007 03:26:09 -0800

How do I get my daughter to eat her school lunches? My little girl has just started kindergarten and while she is doing well in terms of behaving and homework, my husband and I are having problems with getting her to eat the lunches her school provides. My daughter goes to a private school and their menus focus on the same things we do at home. They serve the same foods we would at home and that is why I am at a loss as to why she cannot eat her meals.

When she is at home, she loves to eat. She can eat a pretty big portion considering her age and she is not a picky eater by any means. For example, when she goes to restaurants with us, she loves to eat steamed oysters and has never had an issue with eating her vegetables. I can admit that being at school and eating with other kids can be distracting, however, her teachers have informed us that she is always the last person to eat and has to be told to throw her food away because lunch is over. My husband and I have assumed this to be a game she has learned to play, taking as slow as possible to eat that way lunch ends and she doesn't have to eat at all.

My husband and I have always had problems with getting her to eat when we are not with her. When she was younger, she had the same issue with her daycare and with her nanny. I remember having to take my lunch breaks to coincide with her daycare lunch time so that I can visit her and ensure she eats. When I did that, there was no problem. She was more than happy to eat and finished all of her food. She also has the same eating problem when she is with family members and not with us, so it does not make sense to believe it is just because she is with strangers.

Family members have suggested that perhaps she is just most comfortable with us when she eats and is not distracted. I will admit she enjoys eating with us and is truly delighted to spend time with her parents, but I am not at all complimented by this issue. I will not pack a lunch for her to eat because she does not finish those either and I feel that doing that caters to her avoiding eating school lunches (if that is the case).

My husband and I understand that this is just a phase and since I was a stay at home mom 90% of the time, she is going to just get used to eating without us. For now, we have told her no treats or anything special until she starts to eat her food at school. We are truly at a loss on what to do.

How to find a babysitter in Seattle?

Riemann — Tue, 30 Jan 2007 21:24:00 -0800

How to find a babysitter in Seattle? I have a 5 year old boy and live in Seattle (Greenlake area). Never actually had a babysitter before other than family (usually one of the grandparents). It would be really handy once in a while (probably round once a month, if that) to find a sitter for an evening but I am totally lost as to how to go about it.

I guess the question is both the specific (eg: how to find a sitter in this area) and the more general (eg: how to tell if a potential sitter is a good one).

The question of a second child

zek — Wed, 17 Jan 2007 13:42:44 -0800

Those with two or more kids: if you had to do it all over again, would you do so, or not? Not counting outside factors like the state of the world and so forth. Our details, if it matters: Virtually all of our friends who had kids have had a second one. It seems like even the ones who had a rough time say they're glad they had kid #2. I don't know if that's diplomacy or delusion talking, or if more kids really is better.

Our only child is a 3-year old boy. I think we've done an outstanding job with him... people always rave about how polite, well-behaved, and smart he is. So I think we would probably succeed as parents if we had another one. Believe me we're concerned about overpopulation, peak oil, Malthusian scenarios, and/or where the U.S. economy might be heading, but considering how well we've done so far with our first kid and considering our education (my wife has a liberal arts/philosophy/physics background and I have a physics background) I think our family stands a slightly better than zero chance of making a positive contribution at some level of society.

For me the real question is whether the day-to-day reality of having a second kid is just a little harder than our 1-child family, or a lot harder, and if you've found it better or worse than you were expecting.

How to find a good mother's helper or other childcare solution?

justonegirl — Thu, 04 Jan 2007 10:00:11 -0800

Child care solutions for working at home with a newborn? Our son is now 2 months old, and I am just starting to get back into my work. (Unfortunately, I'm sort of jumping into the fire: I'm a corporate event planner, and my biggest gala of the year is the first week of February.) My husband and I are both fortunate enough to be self-employed and work from home, but we're finding it near impossible to accomplish all we need to with a newborn at home. With my biggest deadline looming, and January being the busiest month for my husband's work as well, we're both stressed to the limit.

Unfortunately, trading off shifts hasn't been effective for us. We don't have any family members or close friends who are available to assist with child care with any sort of frequency, nor do I know any other moms who might be able to swap child care duties. We're not willing to put our baby in a day care center -- I already have significant trust/guilt issues about even leaving him with my mom, here at my house, while I'm under the same roof! We would be willing to hire someone to assist us in our home, but how do you go about finding someone reliable and trustworthy to work just a few hours, a few times a week? (I'm assuming here that "good" mother's helpers/nannies would be looking for full-time work.) The other downside to trying to hire someone is that, due to the immediacy of our work demands and deadlines, we don't have a ton of time to dedicate to the very-necessary screening process.

I hate pre-emptively shooting down a ton of natural suggestions (such as asking friends, running advertisements, etc). I'm just in a bind here and trying to give as much information as possible in order to find a resolution that works. Ideas or personal experiences are appreciated!

To Touch a Child

dragonsi55 — Sat, 16 Dec 2006 04:42:00 -0800

Looking for guidelines on physically handling children at school. I recently started being a playground & lunch supervisor at my son's school.
The school system has no set guidlelines for how to handle children.
I have set some self-imposed standards, like not being isolated with a child, touching only hands-arms-shoulders, not initiating hugs, and not yanking a child.
Still, when I pulled a child who was angry and wouldn't stop yelling in the lunchline out of line to talk with her, she complained to the assistant principal.
I have full support of the admin and staff, and want better guidelines.
It is relevant that I'm male, both in that I was told the school needed more males, and in that the children feel it is different.

I've got an internal conflict whether to push officially for better guidelines.
On the one hand, the male teachers at the school do great, and I don't want to interfere with what they do.
On the other hand, I know of a professor at the local college, who worked at a private high school many years ago.
He left after a sex-&-drugs scandal, but hush-hush with no record, and he has run a high-school summer program here.
So the cracks are big for creeps to fall through.

The internets are loaded with opinions.
Has anybody actually studied this?
Do you know where any official guidelines are?

Grandparent timeshare?

n'muakolo — Sat, 14 Oct 2006 06:41:25 -0800

Polling all grandparents - would you be willing to move/spend part of the year in a different city in order to spend lots of time with, and provide daycare for, your grandkids? It looks like, for professional reasons, I will be living in a city that's about 8 hours by car from my parents, and a 2 hour plane ride from my boyfriend's family. Neither one of our families has any grandkids, but they would very much like them. The idea has been tossed around that either/both sets of grandparents could spend part of the year near us, helping to raise the grandkids & generally being a part of the grandkids' lives. My parents have friends & 1 sibling who are essentially providing day care part of the week for their grandkids, and reputedly loving it. In part I'd like the help, but also in large part I want my kids to spend lots of time with my lovely parents (who are older - 65) and his parents (who are more like 55), and our parents want to spend lots of time with what they hope will be lovely grandkids. (We talk about part time because they have such a connection to where they live, and I would hate to completely transplant them from that.)

So my question is, first of all, is this too much to ask (or too much to accept if they seriously offer)? They have lots of friends and a fun, established life where they live.

Also, what would the logistics of such a part-time residence entail? (Assuming, for now, that we wouldn't have an in-law apartment, or anything like it.)

None of this is anywhere on the horizon, but I'd be interested in your take on the idea. I've always wanted family involved in my kids' lives, but modern life/career is making that look undoable, particularly since we come from different cities, so both sets of grandparents couldn't have the grandkids to living near them, and neither set particularly likes the idea of the grandkids living near the other set.

A child exposed himself to my child at day care

frecklefaerie — Fri, 11 Aug 2006 07:31:56 -0800

A child exposed his penis to my daughter at day care. What is the best way to handle this? I have my three year-old daughter in a daycare run by nuns. I am overall really happy with the place, and I believe she is, too, due to the multiple occasions she doesn't want to leave because she's having so much fun. The daycare is for potty trained kids ages 2-5.

As I put her to bed last night, the boo said to me, "The boy in the yellow shirt showed me his penis." I tried to get some details from her, and the most I got was that it happened inside at school, and he showed it to her and another girl. She doesn't know his name. According to her, he didn't touch her or ask her to touch him. He did allegedly say, "Wanna see my penis?" then pulled down his pants. She did not tell the nuns, though she isn't one to tattle. For example, she was recently bitten by one of the younger kids and I talked to the nuns about it for her the next day.

I just don't know what to do. It sounds pretty innocent to me, just normal kid play. I don't want it to happen again, and I think the kid who did it should have a few words with an adult about it. I wish the appropriate thing would be to have my daughter tell me who it was so I could talk to him about exposing his penis and how it's really not so cool. That's not exactly the way things are done anymore, however.

There's a bit of a language barrier with the Italian nuns, and given the nature of this issue I hesitate to tell them because I wouldn't want them to overreact.

How should I address this? Should I even address it right now or wait to see if it happens again?