Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with childabuse

Tell me about the treatment of abuse in adults.

Brandon Blatcher — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 11:08:27 -0800

What are some of the effects of long term child abuse? What methods are used to help adults recovers from the effects of said child abuse? I need to develop the background of a fictional character who has suffered from child abuse (haven't decided on a specific type, will go with whatever sounds interesting), so details are needed concerning A) What sort of effects of does child abuse have on the behavior, attitude and personality of an adult and B) on psychiatric approaches used to help mid 20s male confront, deal with and over come the long term effects of child abuse suffered throughout his life until he left home sometime between 16-18

Specifically, what sort of treaments are there for adults to recover from abuse they suffered as a child? Are there established "stages" like the 5 stages of grief, which shrinks use as a guide post for treating adults who are still suffering the effects of long term abuse? Does that vary, based on the treatment method used? Does the type of treatment vary greatly based on whether it was sexual, physical or emotional abuse or is it similar?

How do I sue an abusive step-parent?

Anonymous — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 15:43:51 -0800

How does an adult find a lawyer to sue an abusive step-parent more than a decade after the fact? I want to sue a step-parent for damages. They've ruined my life and made it a living hell of dysfunction.

I suffered over 10 years of extreme physical and emotional abuse as a child and it has wrecked me, my self confidence, my ability to function. We're not talking about a "I never got my pony" scenario. We're talking about severe physical violence from a grown adult to a child along with very severe psychological/emotional abuse.

I'm not at all interested in hearing anything about "letting bygones be bygones", or "forgive and forget". I've tried that. I'm tired of blaming myself for being broken and damaged like it was somehow my fault I had the shit kicked out of me on a daily basis.

The goals of the lawsuit are,

1. I want punitive, monetary damages to pay for therapy and treatment so I can have what's left of my life as functional as I can manage.

2. I want to help set a legal precedent that abuse isn't tolerated and parents are indeed legally and fiscally responsible for the crimes they committed under the umbrella of "parenting".

3. I want this step-parent to realize that what they did was not ok and that after many attempts at communication and reconciliation they've willfully denied their responsibility and haven't even attempted to offer an apology.

How do I find a lawyer? How do I find a pro-bono lawyer that will consider my case?

PTSD/EMDR questions

Anonymous — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 09:04:08 -0800

I'm a 27 year old female dealing with PTSD from extreme childhood abuse and psychoanalysis is not working. I've read previous AskMe questions, but would like more feedback from people who have had EMDR therapy. I'm also wondering if anyone has any advice on mild dissociation. A few points:

It would be tough for me to switch therapists now, but is it worth it for me to find someone who practices EMDR? Anyone have advice for or against EMDR? I've heard great things.

I don't take meds and don't tolerate them well due to side-effects.

I'm beginning to realise that I may have "dissociated" from myself, or stepped outside myself when being abused, to avoid the pain. Any thoughts on later repercussions from this? I'm beginning to feel I've left a part of myself behind, and she "comes back" under stress. My psychiatrist doesn't "interact" with me about this, just sits quietly, which is another reason I'm thinking psychoanalysis is not for me.

I'm also having trouble in personal relationships. People I want to trust inevitably sort of "become my parents" in my mind. How does one learn to trust again? Obviously I can't go on like this.

Thanks. I'm not looking for therapy here, just a little direction to get help elsewhere.

How to protect ourselves when reporting child abuse at a neighbour?

Kickstart70 — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 17:00:22 -0800

Best way to handle reporting (suspected) child abuse at our only neighbour? Note: the question is how to sensibly and safely report this, NOT IF we should report this!

We moved to a rural house this year and we basically have one neighbour (couple with two boys...about 7 and 9 years old, I guess). We can hear them from our place. Or, more accurately, we can hear her shrieking harpy yell from our place about 250 feet away. The husband doesn't yell as far as I can hear.

Today was bad...things like "CLEAN THIS FUCKING ROOM OR YOU'RE GOING TO GET A FIST IN THE FUCKING FACE!". Yes, it's abuse, but I don't know for sure that it really got physical. The yelling went on for quite a while, then the music started (appropriately, "Helter Skelter" was played) but didn't drown out the verbal abuse. During all this, the husband left in his pickup, so I'm certain it was directed at the kids and not him.

Given that they are our only neighbour within hearing distance and we are quite rural, if the police or social services arrives, it's going to clear that we are the ones who called. I'm concerned about retribution. I could easily see them doing something, from what I can tell of their/her temperament.

So, my plan is to call police during the next incident. What can I do to protect myself/my family/my property afterward? Or am I being overly concerned about myself in a case where their kids should be primary? Thanks for advice.

help just kinda says it all

Anonymous — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 20:18:07 -0800

Awful freaking mess at work. Arrest, abuse, drugs and gossip. so much more inside Teenage girl confesses to my coworker that mom is abusing her. Coworker flippantly gives her a prescription pill (his own) and tells her "maybe your mom needs this." Girl goes to another coworker, who doesn't know about the abuse, with the pill to ask for advice. That person goes to the mom. Mom has coworker 1 arrested. He's screwed, forget him. I am afraid that this girl is still being abused, but now it's all about the coworker with the drugs; for sure this mother latched onto that to obfuscate the abuse issue.

Neither the girl, nor my boss, nor either other coworker knows that I know about the abuse. The boss is indifferent at best, incompetent at middle and complicit (with the mom) at worst. I am afraid of this mom. I cannot let on that I know about this without jeopardising my job, furthermore, it's all hearsay (but very credible hearsay knowing this mother).

How can I get this girl some help?

Books On Wives Abused As Children

Rykey — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 18:39:13 -0800

Asking for a patron: self-help books about coping with a spouse's NON-SEXUAL abuse as a child? A patron (male) is looking for books that will help him deal with the effects his wife's emotional and physical abuse (by her parents and brother) as a child is having on their marriage.

I'm finding tons of stuff about dealing with one's own abuse, and books like this one that address partners who were abused-- except that the guy is adamant that his wife was not sexually abused, and I can see where books like these would have a somewhat different focus than those dealing strictly with non-sexual child abuse. I even found this one, but it's for women dealing with male partners who were abused, so it's not a great fit either.

I'll keep digging, but meantime, any suggestions?

What the hell is Seligman talking about?

Anonymous — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 08:30:01 -0800

How do I reframe my memories of severe childhood abuse? I'm in therapy dealing with PSTD. I started reading Authentic Happiness a few days ago. I had to put the book down after the portion where Seligman says that in order to get over one's past, one needs to reframe memories of negative events into more positive ones as a way of accepting them and moving on. He doesn't specify when it's not applicable, so I'm assuming he means for my situation as well.

I'm livid, both because he's probably right and I'm resisting (and angry at myself for resisting, because I'm well aware that my self-concept is rooted in victimhood), and because I don't understand how this is possible for certain negative events. I don't know how to reframe the memories of being assaulted by "step-father", "step-father's" brother, and cousin. Or lying in bed at night as a kid, awake and alert with terror because I was waiting for "Mom" to come in and beat me with an extension cord. Some nights I'd finally drop off at 4am and she hadn't touched me. Some nights she'd force me out of bed and make me get wet in the shower first before whipping me. I won't go on, but there was a lot of abusive behavior and bald statements of the "My life would be better if you weren't here" variety - that is until I left home and then it became, "Please come back." "No, really, please come back." "You better get back here, you selfish so-and-so, right now!" No worries, I moved away and haven't spoken to any of those people for at least 8 years, but the many repercussions of having them and the horrible memories still in my headspace is why I'm in therapy and why I wanted to read the book.

I'm not dead. This is the only positive I can take from those situations right now. If someone in the hive who's read this book and feels they've successfully applied the precepts can give me some direction, I'd be grateful. Also, I'll be grateful for any suggestions on how I can better help my therapist to help me or any methods used to actually and emotionally accept that abuse happened and put those memories behind me.

How can we help abused kids?

middleclasstool — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 09:58:16 -0800

How can I help stop child abuse, other than writing a check? This got long, sorry:

My wife and I fall into that category of 30-somethings who were terrified of the prospect of parenting but took the plunge anyway, only to find that the experience has totally transformed and enriched our lives. To our horror, we’ve discovered that one such transformation is that reading and hearing stories of child abuse, particularly those against the very young, is almost unbearable.

Things came to a head last night when my wife read about this local boy. I found her sobbing and nearly inconsolable in a heap on our living room chair. I started crying, too, when she was finally able to tell me why.

It was only the loudest and most recent indication of a growing feeling we've both been having for some time, that we need to get involved somehow with abused children. And here I thought I was just going to roast some coffee beans, listen to Joe Biden, and go to bed.

Writing a check, though something we'll do, is certainly not going to be enough.

I guess I'm looking for two things here: suggestions of ways we can volunteer time, and experiences of those who have been or currently are foster parents, which is another option we’re considering.

The foster idea is one that we’re both attracted to and afraid of — attracted, because we know we can be good parents to kids who need them; afraid, because we don’t know how much harder it will be than regular parenting. In addition, we’re both employed full-time and rely heavily on a combo my wife’s parents and a church “mother’s day out” program to help with day care. Making the commitment is fine for us, but we’re not prepared to commit my wife’s parents as well, as it just doesn’t seem fair to them.

So. I don’t know where to start, really. I’m interested in learning about foster parenting but may realistically have to wait until we’re a single-income family to actually commit. I’m so overwhelmed with questions about it that I don’t really know where to start. Still, I’d like your advice and experiences, especially from those of you who have taken the plunge.

And, of course, non-fostering volunteer opportunities as well, in case fostering isn’t a viable option for us now. What can you do to get involved?

Bonus points for stuff in/around Little Rock, Arkansas.

How could you not believe it?

mynameismandab — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 21:29:10 -0800

Why is it that certain people do not believe accusations of childhood sexual abuse? There is someone in my family (who is the same age as me) who was molested and raped by her mother's live-in boyfriend, the only father figure she had ever known. When she told her mother, not only did the mother not believe her, she said the victim Wanted the abuse to happen.

I'm getting a master's in counseling, and I continue to see how this series of events has affected my life and my practice approach. On many occasions I have found myself thinking about why someone, especially a parent or close family member, would not believe a child who says they were abused.

I become enraged whenever I hear about things like that. At the same time, I feel like I have a responsibility as a mental health professional to come to terms with it for the sake of my own healing and my clients' needs. Help me deal with my survivor guilt and handle this issue professionally with my clients.

Should I call social services?

Anonymous — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 17:42:01 -0800

The little girl who lives upstairs is subjected to frequent verbal abuse, drug use, and occasional physical violence, though she's not being physically or verbally abused herself. How should I help her? Our upstairs neighbors have an eight-year-old girl — I'll call her Elizabeth — who is curious, intelligent, and funny. We've got to know her better than any other person in this tiny Nova Scotia town, which is a mark of her outgoing character, since it's unusual to elicit a return wave from anyone else in her family or people on the street.

And the rest of her family is the problem. This community almost died fifteen years ago when the fishing stocks dried up and times have been hard for locals ever since. Accordingly, lifelong residents have taken up some of the habits that desperate people fall into. Her mother can't communicate displeasure to anyone without screaming and peppering her speech with expletives (Elizabeth isn't spared, and is often present during her parents' screaming fights). Her father is friends with some shady characters, one of whom we know to be a sexual predator (not of children), another a drug dealer (who the mother suspects is also a murderer).

Then there's Elizabeth's older half-brother, who doesn't live there but visits every few weeks with his girlfriend. Elizabeth has described some of his antics to us: breaking school windows, starting fires, street fights, and the like. Over the three years we've been here, I've only actually seen him for about 20 minutes (though I've heard him and his drunken friends for hours), but I've observed him violently push his girlfriend twice, and have overheard screaming fights a number of times.

On the other hand, Elizabeth's older sister, who does live upstairs, is occasionally friendly, works full time as a waitress, and will be the first person in her family to attend university this Fall.

What's pushed me to write tonight, though, is the fact that I was just sitting on our deck (from where I overhear all of their business; not eavesdropping, I always let them know I'm there), and the drug dealer, Elizabeth's father and brother are upstairs now smoking what smells to be a potent joint, hacking phlegm as you do, and laughing at Elizabeth's imitations of doing the same. The three men laughed and one of them reminded her that she couldn't tell anyone, especially not her mother, who is working tonight, as she does most nights.

And this is where my biggest problem lies: I absolutely hate that it's being put on an eight-year-old's shoulders to keep her parents' secrets. I have no problem with parents blowing off steam— it's a hard job— and especially in these circumstances, where the father hasn't had any work this summer. But in my opinion, there's no excuse to smoke up when your kid is in the room, and there's no excuse for weighing her down with that kind of responsibility: "If you tell anyone, we could all get in trouble, maybe even go to jail." (I've run into this situation before in my own family, and it didn't end well.)

So, I'm wondering: should I call child protective services? I certainly don't think Elizabeth should be removed from the home. Her parents love her very much, and she adores them. And the parents can't be that terrible at their jobs, because despite the brother's failures, the sister has succeeded so far. And if Elizabeth has difficult circumstances to overcome later in life, she is clearly strong enough to do it.

And, perhaps most importantly, I don't know whether what happens upstairs really constitutes abuse. Right now, I'd describe her as at risk.

But it seems as though the situation is deteriorating. Their finances are getting worse, which means the fights are getting worse and more frequent, as are visits from the drug dealing friend. I think just a visit from a social worker would help get the father back on track, but I don't want them to suspect that I'm involved at all (and no other neighbors are near enough to share suspicion. If either the brother or mother suspected I had called social services, I'd wind up with fewer teeth in short order.

So what action should I take? Should I take any at all? I'm hoping the hive mind can help me here; I've been wrestling with it for months.

Is my mom's behavior towards my little brother inappropriate?

Anonymous — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 15:41:26 -0800

My mom's quasi-incestuous behavior towards my younger brother seriously squicks me out. Is her behavior actually quasi-inscestuous? And what should I do? Ever since he was about 10, my mom has behaved in pretty disturbing ways towards my little brother. It isn't the normal doting that mothers bestow on their youngest, favorite sons, I think. Examples include:

- Regularly climbing into his bed, refusing to get out because it's so "comfortable", making moaning noises, and asking to sleep with him
- Attempting to play footsie underneath the table at dinner (feet traveling up his pant legs, the whole bit). Every. Dinner.
- Trying to cuddle and touch his thighs, butt, etc.
- Pinning him down and kissing him, over and over, even when he yells in a very not-kidding way for her to let him go
- Extreme over-protectiveness
- Flirting

The touching stuff happens a lot less, now that he's older (over 18) and resists her attempts. But his independence visibly upsets her, especially with regards to dating and sex. Girls who date and are interested in my little brother are sluts and seductress whores, and girls he meets in college deserve any poor treatment he gives them because they were only interested in sex anyway. She really only displays this misogynistic double-standard towards women involved with my little brother--her views towards my other siblings and I with respect to dating and our partners are pretty normal.

Though her behavior is never overtly sexual, I don't believe any molestation actually occurred, and my little brother is by far the most psychologically healthy of any of us (and has no problem standing up to our mother), this behavior still does not sit right with me. Last time I came home I saw her trying to rub his upper thigh and it was sickening. Is her behavior normal? And is there anything I can do about it?

Dealing with occasionally abusive stepfather?

Anonymous — Mon, 21 May 2007 19:28:02 -0800

My stepfather abused my sister a few weeks ago. She walked out of the house, but then reconciled a week later. What should I do? Very complicated family situation, as all family situations seem to be. I'm a child in a household with a mother remarried to a man from another culture; they've been married now 15, 16 years. I'm many years out of the house but my half-sister is entering her senior year of high school and has at least another year still at home.

My stepfather does not engage in abusive behavior on a day-to-day basis, and the house is usually peaceful, if not particularly happy or honest. Every few months, though, he will explode. Usually this just results in yelling. Occasionally, it has gone further than that. With my sister, he whipped once with a belt a year ago. This time, he slapped her, punched her, and threw her on the ground. No injury from either incident... but there easily could have been.

My mother has explained to him that this is not unacceptable (though she herself always makes excuses, by for instance pointing to his cultural background and to my sister's alleged insolence) and he indicated agreement (sincerity: unknown). She is desperate not to see the family destroyed over this. And it is true that his physical violence has happened only maybe three or four times to my sister in total (though it happened a couple of times to my brother and me when we were at home--milder than what happened to my sister).

He apparently apologized for his behavior and understands some of its inappropriateness, though I was not there for any of it and get it all second-hand. My mother called the apologies profuse while my sister believed my mother wheedled them out of him and that they are not so sincere.

All summed up: my sister doesn't want to be plunged into the nightmarish world of any kind of court struggle; she still basically loves her father though she fears and distrusts him; my mother thinks the whole thing is taken care of (but she always lived in denial); my sister is PROBABLY not in any real danger on a day-to-day basis; and my sister will be out of the house in a year. My mother also tells me that it won't happen again ever, but if it does, she is ok calling the police.

My sister doesn't feel safe going to a family-therapist because she thinks if my stepfather were there he might later retaliate against her for her comments.

It's kind of a mess. What should I as the long-out-of-the-house brother do in this messy situation?

How do you make sure grandparents stay out of the picture?

Anonymous — Fri, 05 Jan 2007 14:02:25 -0800

How do you make sure grandparents stay out of the picture? I'd like to be a parent someday and of course successfully protect my child from harm. This would mean raising him or her without contact with my family. My greatest fear is someone forcing grandparent/other relative visitation somehow: is this even possible? Looking for opinions, anecdotes, articles, legal precedents, books, websites etc. that deal with this situation... There is a history of child abuse in my family (did you guess already?), but no one has ever reported or pressed charges, so I would not legally be able to prove to legal types what a bad idea any granting of visitation rights would be. I do not plan on pressing any charges in the future, nor would I be able to (statute of limitations). I reside in the same state as the family members; but really I'd like to hear how any state in the US deals with this.

I'd especially like to hear how anyone personally has dealt with phasing abusive family out of their (and their children's) lives, legally and/or emotionally.

So yeah. Heard any horror stories or happy endings featuring bad family vs. good parents?

Protective sans Custody

Ambrosia Voyeur — Tue, 10 Oct 2006 13:01:17 -0800

My 2-year-old's Mother pulled her daughter's arm out of its socket. People say this is not uncommon. Still... Me-Fites, please note that I am actually re-posting this question on a friend's behalf since I deemed his results at Yahoo's hive-mind lame. I am gonna withhold my two cents, though it pains me, and just let him speak it.

CONTINUED...
I decided to let it go because I've been told that this happens commonly. Then her ex-roommate told me that it wasn't an accident, that the Mother was angry and pulled too hard. Then the Mother refused to take her to the doctor for fear of being reported (until she was pressed to do so).

Her ex-roommate wanted to report her to CPS, but has waited. The Mother never told me about the incident, then when she accidentally let it slip, played it off like an accident. She has also become an alcoholic, has left the daughter home alone by accident, and is generally unnurturing. Everyone agrees that she is not heeding the warning signs of her own neglect and totally refuses to take advice.

Would you report your child's parent as unfit? Particularly if you yourself are not in the position to take responsibility and don't have a large role in the child's life? (Wish I had more time, but that's another story.) I could be called a hypocrite because she has more responsibility than me.

How do you deal with an abusive past?

longbaugh — Wed, 04 Oct 2006 05:31:00 -0800

Child abuse - how to cope with it and how can someone get closure and ensure that the culprit never does anything like it ever again? My partner has recently revealed to me that she was a victim of sexual abuse between the ages of 14-15 at the hands of her grandfather and his partner. She has coped for several years with this on her own and I am the first person to hear about this and with the courage to speak to me she has also made the decision to seek further help. Obviously I have mentioned things like speaking to a professional about it but since the details are hazy we are concerned that we cannot involve law enforcement in the case as there is insufficient detail or evidence to prosecute.

The primary concern is the safety of her younger siblings and some form of closure to the events. I'd be surprised if there is ever any definitive end to something like this but I want to help in any way possible. The usual things such as revenge have been raised but I am not so stupid as to just cave this monstrous fuck's head in with a tire iron and that will not help matters - we both want to make sure that at the end of this there is no threat to her or her family, mentally or physically and that we can ensure that nothing of this nature happens again as a result.

We're both pretty fucking emotional right now but we'll monitor the thread and I will try and respond as and when I can. Everything's way screwed up right now but one thing is for certain is that I love this girl and won't let anything happen to her.

Thanks in advance.

Is the potential for abuse enough reason to report someone?

Anonymous — Wed, 01 Jun 2005 11:24:19 -0800

This evening at a gathering of neighbors, I heard a disturbing story. The neighbor's ex-girlfriend has a brother who was sent to prison for raping her daughter when the child was 2-3 years old. The brother is now out of jail and living with his mother - the child's grandmother. When the girlfriend goes out, she takes all of her children and drops them off at the grandmother - which is where the child rapist lives. I've looked up the brother on the Texas state sex offender list and he is there and it says he's still on probation. Probation usually precludes the offender from having any contact with his victim.

But now I've hit a wall. On one hand, every instinct in my body screams for me to do something to get those kids out of that situation, but on the other hand, it is possible that he's not touching them or punishing her for sending him to prison. Also, I don't know the history of the case, or the individual, or the situation. I do know that the brother is violent and irrational. More on that later.

I mean, if their mother thinks they're safe, do I have any right to assume that she's wrong? I also have to consider the safety of the people around me. Already when the girlfriend and the neighbor had a fight, she sent five guys over to break into the house to rough him up. He wasn't there, so they kidnapped his dog. (We still don't know where the dog is, they're denying they took her, despite there being witnesses and their vehicles captured on surveillance cameras.) These are scary, scary people. I'm not easily frightened, and these people spook me.

What would you do in this situation?

(Sorry about the length, I wanted to try and preemptively answer questions people might have.)