Ask MetaFilter posts tagged with cheating

Is he a cheater?

GIRLesq — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 10:33:34 -0800

Is there any way he's not cheating on me? My boyfriend travels a lot for work. Last night he was supposed to be staying at a particular hotel. When I didn't hear from all night, and he didn't pick up his cell, I called the hotel and they said he wasn't registered. I called him at his desk (at the travel location) -- he picked up (unaware that I'd been calling his cell all night and unaware that I knew he wasn't at that hotel). He said he went right home after dinner last night. I asked where his cell phone was he said he forgot it today. I clarified that I meant last night. He said he left it where he stayed. I asked where he stayed. He said the hotel. I asked which hotel. He gave me the same hotel he original told me about -- I told him I knew he wasn't registered there and that he didn't go back to wherever his phone was last night. He said he stayed at a friends because it got late. No further explanation. He was very silent when I said I just wanted to know the truth. Eventually he said something like "I need to think about how we interact."

I said: "Look if you are just going to try to turn this into some offensive to distract me from what happened last night -- forget it. It's not gonna work. If you want to convince me that you really are staying at that hotel, send me the receipt when you check out today." Silence. So I said: "I think we both know there won't be any receipt."

Then he said something like "I'll call you later" and that was it.

So he's totally cheating, right? That or he was out all night doing drugs. And I gotta say, he doesn't seem like the drug addict type. At all.

Should I kick her out?

cincinnatus c — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 06:08:36 -0800

I have a really messed-up break-up situation. Is what I am about to do fair? I'll try to describe it as briefly as possible, but it is complicated.

I love her madly, but she is totally messed up with depression, anxiety, insecurity, indecision and inaction.

We broke up, got back together, broke up again. It's three years since we started going out. The first break up, at the beginning of this year, lasted three months, and we have been split up now for two.

We broke up and got back together for reasons to do with us. But before we broke up she'd become close to some guy she works with. While we broke up she kind of started going out with him. When we got back together she continued to hang around with him in a way that made me insanely jealous. And when we broke up recently she started seeing him again immediately.

In about three weeks she is moving hundreds of miles away to do an MA. We were supposed to be moving together. Though she wanted to do the MA, her depression meant she hadn't got round to even applying to do it. (She said that in the time we split up originally she had wanted to show that she could do things on her own, and the fact that when we got back together she'd done nothing made her feel like a failure.) I had to literally sit down next to her and make her fill in the forms. I had to write the emails requesting references, and check her email for her during the whole process. Her feeling dependent on me contributed to both our break ups.

She is moving hundreds of miles away in three weeks, and she hasn't arranged a place to stay, or worked out how she's going to move her stuff, or arranged funding, though she is getting round to these things. She is stressed and talks about it constantly, which is kind of annoying since my own plans are now in disarray.

Anyway, here's where the messed-up stuff begins: we were supposed to be moving together. The lease on her flat ended in the middle of July, and the plan had been that she was going to stay at mine until we moved. But we broke up at the beginning of July. She didn't get around to arranging a place to stay, and madly I offered to let her stay at mine anyway. I thought it might be unhealthy, that it could make me miserable, but I thought that after being so miserable for so long I could take another couple of months of it in the worst case. She accepted.

I live in one room. She moved all her stuff in boxes into mine, and they fill up half the room. We sleep in the same bed. We sleep in each other's arms. Sometimes we have sex, but she is trying to keep a distance between us so mostly she's quite cold about that, which does drive me crazy. It's been a surprisingly nice time together, mostly. We're happy when we're together. But then I find myself falling in love again, daily, and sometimes we fall into talking about resentments about the past and the future. Often she's said that we shouldn't be living together, and often she's said that she is still thinking about whether she wants us to be together, even though I say (only half truthfully) that I don't want to be with her because of all that's happened.

Yesterday, Saturday, morning, she went away for a couple of days to look after the flat of a friend who was going away and to have some space to think about things. The night before we'd had a conversation we shouldn't have had, a pretty bad one, and in the morning she'd again said that this situation wasn't healthy. She comes back tomorrow, Monday, night.

In the month she's been living with me she hasn't seen much of this other guy, except at work, I think to be tactful to me. But they were going to be hanging out yesterday, and then, I know, inevitably they would spend the night together. And, after everything, I can't take it. I tried to go out last night and have fun, but I couldn't think of anything else, and came home early to write her an email saying that she had to move out, and move her stuff out, and that I wanted no contact with her after that. I haven't sent this email yet.

But is this fair? Should I send the email or wait until she comes tomorrow and talk about it with her then? I think it is likely that she's gonna come back having decided that she wants to go stay somewhere else anyway, but then I fear that it's gonna happen in a compromised way, with her keeping her stuff at mine, and us seeing each other now and then, and for the sake of my own sanity I don't think I can take it. (At the same time, I want her to stay here, because I am happy when she's around, even in this stupid situation, and it delays the inevitable final heartbreak.)

She is very messed up, and I don't want to mess her up further, but I feel used, duped (though I don't think she has consciously done these things) and taken for granted. I feel like a total doormat. And I suppose, selfishly, I don't want to have her disappear anyway with me in this role. I want her to experience losing me fully now, rather than just as a vague loss in the middle of her big move. And I don't think another three weeks of this is healthy for me, and I want her to go be fucking dependent on this other guy for a change.

At the same time, it is only three weeks, and I knew what I was getting into, I suppose. So even if she goes to stay somewhere else, maybe I should be there for her when she needs me, maybe I shouldn't make her move her stuff out of mine when she's gonna have to move it again so soon. A lot of her friends have moved away in the last year, which helped to make her so dependent on me, and she has no friend in town that she is genuinely close to. I don't want to mess her up any more, as I said, and I absolutely don't want to sabotage her move. Should I be totally selfish finally or just suck it up for a bit longer? And if I'm going to be selfish, should I do it now, by email, or wait to talk to her, knowing that I might not be so certain when I see her?

If this terrible ramble makes sense at all, all opinions appreciated.

my friends suck

Anonymous — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 06:53:19 -0800

What to do when you find out that one of your friends cheated on his girlfriend (who is also a friend?) The complicated explanation: My good friend has been unhappy with his (1.5+ year) relationship for a while: his girlfriend treats him like a child, doesn't trust him, checks his text messages, etc. He has told me repeatedly over the past 6 months that he's not sure he wants to be in a relationship and has also said that he and his gf have come close to breaking up several times.

He responded to his unhappiness and the lack of trust by proving his current girlfriend right and sleeping with his ex-girlfriend a few weeks ago. The ex-girlfriend is a friend of mine, and told me about it this weekend.

The most awkward part by far is that I am also friends with the girlfriend. I confronted the guy about it today, he admitted that it happened and that is was a mistake and a shitty thing to do, but also said that he doesn't want to tell his girlfriend about it. I feel really awkward about the whole situation and wish I didn't know about it at all. If he's not going to tell her, it seems like a breach of "girl-code" to keep her in the dark about her boyfriend's asshole behavior. I don't really know where to proceed from here.

Escaping an Addictive Relationship?

Anonymous — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 16:03:11 -0800

I have been in a one and a half year relationship with a man who has cheated on me, lied to me, stole from me and abused me. I KNOW he is no good and while I have tried to leave many times, I always find myself back with him (after sweet-talking and the like). Part of my problem (and I know this was wrong) is that I had an opportunity to snoop on him (innocent opportunity that later I started to do regularly) and learned that he was not who I thought he was...he had cheated on me just a few months into relationship, but because I found out via snooping I never could out and out tell him why I wanted to break up and we ended up back together...the cycle has continued.

I still, foolishly snoop around and find he has started up again with a new girl every 4-5 months or so, and usually they end within a few weeks of meeting him (he has a very harsh personality) so nothing has lasted very long. In my heart, I know I will never look at him as more than a liar and a cheat, but still I have stayed, over and over gain through the same pain. Yesterday, I learned he had started back up again with another girl and he lied to me once again when I round-about confronted him...I know I must sound pathetic...

I do want to leave, but I 1) feel guilty about snooping; 2) can't seem to stick with my decision to leave him and 3) have little emotional support from family or friends to help me through this (probably why #2 happens)...I thought an annonymous community might offer some ideas, tough talk, etc. to give me a push to do what I have to do? Thoughts? Ideas? Thank you.

Do I tell our friends she cheated on me?

MaddyRex — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 14:38:04 -0800

What do you tell your mutual friends about your acrimonious breakup? My girlfriend of many years told me that she cheated on me...with one of my close friends. We'd been going through a rough patch but things seemed to be getting better. I wanted very much for things to work, but I was awake to the possibility that they would not. One morning she left me a terribly sweet voice mail about how much she loved me and how she wanted me to come visit her (we were doing long distance) and then that night she cheated on me. Yes, with my friend. A very close friend, with whom I had talked about all the difficulties of our relationship, but also how very much in love with her I was, and how I wanted to marry her. My girlfriend also said she wanted to break up at that point, perhaps as a way to shift the emphasis from "I cheated on you with one of your close friends" to "Our relationship just isn't working."

Not only am I completely devastated, now there's an ugly situation involving all our mutual friends (exgirlfriend's and exclose friend's). I just got an email from my exgirlfriend's friend asking me to hang out. Nobody knows what happened. Doubtless my girlfriend will say we broke up because "it just wasn't working," which is what she said on the phone after she told me she cheated.

What do I tell people? I don't want to dwell on the tawdry details, but I also don't want people to think I'm being immature about a simple breakup. I don't want to be angry and vindictive; I just want to move on. But I also don't think it's fair or representative to say "it just wasn't working," and leave out what I consider a major, heartbreaking detail that destroyed not only my relationship but also my friendship.

Bonus Question: How do I deal with the crippling grief? I know things will get better...time heals all wounds and all that...but still...

I cheated. Now what?

Anonymous — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 07:51:21 -0800

I cheated. They each make up for the other's discrepancies. Time to make a decision. Yeah... it's one of those. Ok. Thanks in advance for bearing with me here, I'll try to make it as short as possible.

Relationship situation:
I have a boyfriend for about five months now but he's been chasing after me for roughly two years. After Valentine's Day this year I decided to give it a go and it worked out pretty well so far up until the past month. He is 25 (six years older than me) and does not go to college (I do). Our relationship has been a little shaky due to discrepancies in communication (he says he can't articulate himself as well as I can) and his financial situation. The past month he has been to court for several tickets and has about $1500 in fines. After having a very well paying job for about a year he was laid off and was collecting unemployment for the majority of last summer. Now he works minimum wage at a video game store because he loves video games.
I am not impressed with his lack of motivation and responsibility and now that he's even deeper in the hole (and a little depressed about it), things have been getting worse. He does seem to be having several "realizations" about his unhappy life situation and seems fairly motivated to fix things. I know he really really loves me and even though I've suggested taking a "break" several times he doesn't want to.

"Other guy" situation:
There is this guy who I have known since the beginning of high school. We're the same age. From our junior year till now we've had a strange "on and off" thing going on. For his first two years of college he went out of state but we communicated fairly often and whenever he came back to visit I'd see him. Last summer we dated until he had to go away. Now he's moving back and I'll be seeing a lot of him. He's interesting, attractive and intelligent although not quite as "fun" to be around as my boyfriend; I just don't feel as relaxed. He's going to a very good school and doing well and he seems to be on the right track as far as his future. However he's not as self-confident, affectionate, open and "fun" as my boyfriend.
Two nights ago we hung out and messed around. I think that qualifies as cheating.

My situation:
I am young. 19 years old. I can't figure this thing out. I've known both of these guys for a long time and I really care about both and I'm pretty sure I would be with the second one (NOT my boyfriend) if he hadn't gone away. There's a lot of passion in my relationship with my boyfriend but (even before the whole cheating thing came up) it was a little difficult for me to accept someone with such a different path in life and I sometimes felt it was bringing me down. If I could combine these two into one I'd have the perfect guy.

IF I NEED TO BOIL THIS THING DOWN TO ONE SIMPLE, GENERAL QUESTION (this is for those who like to skim long questions) it would be: Should I stay with my boyfriend who is much older, going through a lot of turbulence in his life but very loving and affectionate and fun OR should I take a chance with my old same-age friend who is more similar to me as far as intelligence and life goals but not as open and confident?

Yes, I know cheating is bad, this is kind of selfish, etc. etc. I don't need advice about that. I want advice from people who have had to make a decision between two people with these factors or experienced people who can tell me which qualities are more important.

Can I make my sociopathically selfish ex Be There for me?

Anonymous — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 12:18:20 -0800

I'm scheduled to have a medical (pill) abortion in a situation involving my optimistic, scientifically brilliant, clueless ex-boyfriend. For some irrational reason, he's the only person I want with me while I go through with it. We dated last year, for three months when I was still very new to the city, and we were pretty darn happy. He was kind, attentive, respectful, and engaging. Then he had drunk sex with an ex-girlfriend who'd been pursuing him for a while. I was, of course, crushed, but I had just moved to a new place and he was my only contact. He persuaded me to take him back, and I finally relented, and then he broke up with me again a month later citing a heavy work load and little free time. A few weeks later he changed his mind again, but I told him to get off my doorstep, throw away the bouquet of flowers, and quit sending me apology letters. He persisted trying to get me back for months, but things eventually died down between us. He began dating another girl but always made it clear that if were I ever willing to try again, he'd be open, which repelled me more.

Recently we started going out to dinner and resumed the compelling dynamic we had before the cheating period, and wound up having (totally safe) sex several times. This was during a sad, lonely time in my life in which I had realized that after an entire year I still wasn't over our break-up, and I'm not proud of my egregious hypocrisy of sleeping with the same man who did this to me while he's dating another poor girl. He's in an "open-ish, don't-ask don't-tell" relationship with a girl of whom he speaks with a mixture of admiration ("she's so loyal") and indifference. I get the impression that without the policy, she'd be doing much of the asking, and he'd do the telling. He has admitted that he has always loved me, that he is biding his time with his current girlfriend as a gesture of respect to her for sticking with him as he got over me. When I discovered I was pregnant, he immediately came over and we discussed the steps we needed to take to end the pregnancy.

He is a bizarrely optimistic, scientific creature, and told me point-blank that he didn't necessarily see the abortion as a terrible thing, that it felt like an evolution of our relationship. He told me upon entering my apartment that he needed to be gone in an hour to "keep up appearances." He seems chastised, repentant, but also utterly removed. He hedged when I told him I need something more out of him, not a relationship--neither of us is ready for a real relationship after what we went through--but a gray area between fuck buddies and the relationship he seemed to be offering me this past year, to get me through this period.

While I have wonderful friends kindly offering their support, my ex-boyfriend is the only person I want with me when I take the pills (which I hear is moderate-to-severely painful for several hours), because this is his doing as well. I'm unsure if I should demand that he take care of me, demand that he be there for me more readily, or if I need to kick him out of my life for good. Part of me wants him to see the ramifications of cheating, of sacrificing other people's well-being for his own. Is wielding my abortion as a Life Lesson manipulative or justified? I honestly think I'd feel better if he could feel, or witness, a little of what I'm going through, but maybe this is a lost cause.

We're both 25 and live in New York, if that's somehow important.

Now what?

Anonymous — Fri, 23 May 2008 18:31:32 -0800

Should-we-break-up-filter. My romantic partner and I have been together for nearly six years. We have long considered ourselves to be pretty much perfect for each other. We share a sense of humor, we like the same books, we have great, stimulating intellectual conversations. For the first few years of our relationship we were the disgusting always-together couple. We joked that we accumulated more time spent together in 3 years than most couples do in 10.
We started dating during college, during which time we both gradually lost all contact with our friends from high school. Neither of us made many lasting friends during college. I made one good friend, though, and got in tight with his friend group. She likes them, and they like her, but the group has always been a little more my friends than hers, leaving her without a strong set of her own friends that she could see regularly. She did repeatedly make different friends, but they all tended to flake out sooner or later.
Last summer she met a friend through work, met his friends, and over the course of a few months developed a nice, strong friend group of her own. Over the past year she has spent increasingly greater amounts of time with that friend group. Since my friends were busy getting regular jobs, while I still had a very variable schedule, I ended up not getting to see my friends much, and also not getting to see her much, because she was out with her new people. At the height of this, she was out with her friends four nights a week every week, and I had night classes two of the nights she wasn't out. Her days off and my days off didn't coincide, so we only had one night per week actually spent with each other, besides a few hours here and there. During those "unscheduled" times together, she wouldn't really be on. She'd just want to watch tv and chat with her friends online.
I asked to be more involved in her life, both when she's with her friends and when she's not. She obliged me, but only to a very limited extent. Even when her friends were doing things that I enjoy doing with them (and that, as far as I can tell, they like having me along for) I still was invited along less than half the time. She still was out without me 3 or 4 nights per week. The times that she did schedule to be in with me, neither of us would have any fun. She'd sit on the couch, watch tv and chat. I'd sit in the bedroom and get drunk.
During the past few months she has also been undergoing what she has referred to as "a crisis of responsibility." She had to work much more than I did during college, and was just burned out from working hard for several years on end. She decided she needed a working vacation. She reduced her course load at her graduate program, and then withdrew altogether. She quit her (low supervisory position) job to take a lower-paying job with fewer responsibilities at a store where all her friends hang out. As has been mentioned, she spent a ton of time hanging out with friends. She'd been working harder and more than me for quite some time, and so while I was a little hesitant at some of these decisions, I respected them. She wanted to take a break from life for six months or a year, work someplace fun, reduce her stress level, and be happy. We're at a rare time in our lives where she can actually do that, so I thought ok, this is her chance to get it out of her system.
About 3 months ago, she told me that she'd been having romantic feelings toward one of her friends. That many nights when she said she was out with the whole gang, it was really just him. Nothing had happened between them, but she still felt guilty. Well, this wasn't that big an issue. We had played around with other people in the bedroom in the past, and had also experimented with the poly thing. She had tried having a girlfriend in the past, but it hadn't worked. I told her to go ahead and date this guy on the side, but I laid some ground rules. I told her I wanted to know when anything in their relationship progressed beyond casual dating and makeouts on the couch. I told her that there was one particular relationship dynamic that she was not allowed to enter into with him. She agreed, life went on. She continued with the relaxin' life style. Our relationship did not improve. Occasionally I got specific updates on what their relationship was like. None of it particularly concerned me. The entire time I felt a little bit jealous, but nothing overwhelming, and I was still trying to let her have space, let her have her own stuff, and above all do what made her happy.
Last night I was reading an online journal of hers and it finally clicked with me that I was being played. She and her boyfriend had entered into the dynamic which I had specifically nixed, and she had not told me about it, despite the fact that this dynamic had been going on for a month or two, and we had talked about their relationship a few times during that period.
I talked to her about it this morning. She admitted that it was occurring, that she knew it was not supposed to be. She did not immediately say she would stop, which stung a bit. We talked for awhile and what came out was: 1) going with the flow, doing the stuff she wanted with him, and not telling me had been easier and more fun than either not doing it or else asking me again if she could. 2) she's really been all about what's easy and fun lately. 3) She has felt like I haven't been pursuing her, I haven't been interested/wanted her. 4) She knows I'm the right person for her, long term, but right now there's just nothing there. What would be easy and fun right now would be to keep doing what she's doing (dating him and having effectively no relationship with me) or to break up with me for a few months until she's done with her vacation and ready to come back. Eventually she said that what she thought would be best would be to break it off with him and for both of us to re-invest ourselves in our relationship, even if that wasn't the fun and easy thing to do.

Further complicating factors:
When she dropped out of school, I was also feeling the burnout, and had lined up a sweet job interview. We decided that if I got the job, I would put my graduate education on hold, too, we would both work for awhile, and we would get married (we had already been engaged for some time, but the wedding date had been "when we're done with school.") If I didn't get the job, I would find another and still do the same. Well, I didn't get the job, and I couldn't find another good one. I decided that continuing my degree, at least until something came up, was the best decision. Meanwhile, she had dropped out, and suddenly felt like we had agreed to jump off a cliff together, only when she jumped I didn't. After explaining my reasoning, she agreed it was sound. We decided to go ahead and get married anyway. In hindsight, I think maybe the decision was made as a way of shoring up the relationship and convincing each other that we were both still serious. Obviously, this is not a good reason to get married. By the time the latest shit hit the proverbial fan, we had already told several friends and family members of our wedding plans, and invested some money. Not much, but we're poor, so abandoning it would hurt.
Now we're left with a few possible choices. Do we re-invest ourselves in this relationship, make it work, and get married as planned?
Do we do as above, but cancel the wedding plans until things have become more stable?
Do we have her go take off and sow her wild oats for a couple months, then come back for fast-track rehabilitation and marriage?
Do we send her off for a couple months while canceling the marriage?
Or do we break up more or less for realsies, in which case I go be single for a year and then see whether I want her back in my life with that perspective?

Please send serious questions, private advice, requests for continued correspondence, whatever, to breakupfilter at gmail dot com

My heart is breaking

Anonymous — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 05:04:50 -0800

Can this relationship/marriage be saved? Here goes, my wife and I have been married 8 years. Over the last few years we have both been more focused on our educations, professions, and friends and less on the couple part of being married. My wife is/was very much a caretaker and I am a real slacker and I let her carry the load when in retrospect I should have jumped in with both feet and done whatever I could to help out. We were just puttering along with not much real passion when I get the shock of my life. I’m on a business trip and my kid calls me at 3 in the morning to say mom is banging some 22 yr old in our bedroom! Needless to say I was totally shocked and devastated. When I returned we talked about the incident and she said it was because she was drunk, etc, etc, and feels horrible about it. But then I find out that she is still seeing him after she fabricates a work outing and comes home at 4 am. I found out that she had been out with the same kid again and when I confronted her about it she said that she really enjoyed the fun attitude when they went out with no expectations afterward. Needless to say I’m failing apart at the seams and don’t know what to do. I’ve got a session with a counselor this week and she is in therapy also. I look back and really do think it was partially my fault for not showing how much I loved her on a daily basis. Now she says she doesn’t know what she wants to do. Her ideal scenario is to have us both. She wants me for the friendship and emotional attachment and him for the excitement. I just don’t think I can survive and stay sane like this for too long. I really do love her and have drastically changed what I do and the way I show her how much I appreciate her. But I fear it may be too little too late. Has anyone been in a similar situations and have some advice. Any insight would help. Anyone can respond directly at dormin78@gmail.com

At the whims and fancies of someone unsure of what they want?

Anonymous — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 19:46:30 -0800

Badly in need of advice. Long, complicated story spanning 3 countries and 5 people. Warning: VERY long story ahead. Ok, so I was with my girlfriend for 3 years, and never once did I cheat, or was tempted to cheat or anything. We had many problems, many of them mine, and she forgave me. She spent half of the 3 years abroad, and half of the other 3 with me, so it was pretty difficult, but we trusted each other. She's also a few years younger than I am.

Late last year I moved to another country to go to graduate school. It was just after my gf and I spent a vacation together where we had a great time, but that time was preceded by some very difficult ones. She said after we parted, she had time to think about all the problems we had, and began talking to a guy online who she knew a little bit, and things progressed into more than a normal friendship.

I found out about it, felt hurt and betrayed, and when we met again in December she lied about meeting him for coffee, and talking to him etc. He liked her and hed be at places shed frequent, and they ended up meeting and talking.

When I came back to grad school, other incidents involving the guy happened and I ended the relationship. However, I also started talking to this girl from my class, very smart, witty and good looking. She displayed an interest in me, we started talking a lot, however she had a boyfriend. She said they were on the verge of breaking up. We got along great, went out one night and kissed, then she felt guilty, and we went home.

Her bf realized something was going on with her, and told her he's willing to forget it, if she ends it. That was the first time she told me we needed to stop talking. I was pretty hurt by it because I had really started liking her, we had talked about many things and hit it off; I thought we had a good chance of getting together.

A couple days later we started talking again, and wed talk on the phone, talk in school, but never went out again because there were always ppl around that knew her and her bf.

After a couple weeks, I asked her if she's going to break up with her bf, because I couldnt handle knowing that she was with someone else. She said no she's not going to, she feels obligated to him because when she was in a very bad state she got together with him and he took care of her and put her back on her feet, and she feels obligated to him. Plus he treats her so well, irons her clothes, makes breakfast for her, lets her drive his car to work while he gets the bus, etc. She doesnt want to be the type of person her ex-fiance was. She was engaged before her current bf, planning the wedding, then found out her fiance was cheating on her all the time. That really wrecked her emotionally, and now she basically hates all men. She got depressed, quit her job, moved away for a while etc, pretty much wrecked. Obviously its not all obligation shes with him for, she obviously loves him too. He's at her house much of the time, gets along with all her family and almost lives there.

So when I asked her about it, she got upset, said we needed to stop talking, we can just be friends, nothing more. As before, a couple days later, either Id call her, or shed call me making up some flimsy excuse, and wed talk for hours. We'd talk about many things, and I questions shed ask me are things shed want to know before, say, we ever got together. We'd also talk about many personal things you wouldnt share with everyone. However, although shed make time to talk to me, whenever her bf was around, she couldnt accept my calls, and most of the time I call she wouldnt answer, but would call back. Essentially we spoke mostly when she wanted us to. Sometimes Id call her at work to say hi, hang up, then shed call back immediately after, and wed talk till she had to go.

As time went on again, Id confront her about what shes doing, I couldnt handle the situation, then shed get upset again and say we need to stop talking, shes not leaving her bf. This happened about 7-8 times. I couldnt understand because of the many things wed talk about, I found it astonishing it was so easy for her to just cut off from me. She had told me she finds it easy to just stop talking to people, but I couldnt believe it was this easy. Whenever she said we need to stop talking, Id sit around by the phone waiting for her to call, and then shed call and act normal, and we'd fall into the cycle again.

Essentially, everything was in her control. A few days ago, we were in a study room together, and I told her I was going to kiss her, she said ok, and at the last moment turned away. Then she got upset again, we both did, and went through the entire we cant be around each other thing again, how would I feel if my gf was doing this, etc. I persuaded her to stay cause we needed to study, and we did, but it was awkward. That night, she called! For no reason, just to chat. After the entire argument about not talking on the phone and being just friends, she called.

Yesterday we were in a study room together alone, and we were basically playing around, and one thing led to the next and I basically got to second base with her. We eventually studied till in the afternoon, she called me when I was still on the way home for no reason. Called me again after that. At night we spoke, and she said things went way overboard, its not ever going to happen again, and we need to stop talking, for real this time (shes said that before). We can just meet to study, and no talking apart from that.

Oh, when she has these discussions with me, she acts so cold, as if Im a complete stranger, and not the same person shes called crying when she was having a hard time in school, and the same person she sat and talked to and cried about how hurtful her past was. So cold it surprises me, and thats what hurts the most, the coldness. Whenever Im around her and feeling down cause of the latest severing of communication, she asks me why Im down. I then ask her why do you think, and she says never mind. We've been studying for the last 2 weeks, and shed brace her foot against mine, and other little physical things, that just encourage me more.

Today I saw her at school, told her good luck on the exam. Afterward she left but I called her, we talked for a while, then she called back spoke for a short while. In the afternoon she called in response to a msg I sent her and we spoke for about 20 minutes. Tonight I tried calling her, it rang out, and she called back. We spoke for a short time then her bf came over and she had to come off the phone.

At the same time, my exgf, has been begging me for us to get back together, and has paid half of the plane ticket for me to go up and see her in one week. I still love her, but things have changed after her actions, and my actions, none of which she knows about. This girl from my class is my age, which is about 4 years older than my exgf, is much more mature, and a completely different person than my exgf, who is also very attractive and cute in her own different way. They are very different people.

Every time the girl from my class has to go because her bf arrives, every time she tells me we need to stop talking, every time he calls when we're studying, every time he picks her up, I feel like so much shit. She's pretty much the one who dictates how, when or if we talk. But she refuses to leave her bf. She also basically controls him, he does whatever she wants, when she wants, how she wants. He does practically everything for her, she hardly ever has to do anything.

I also feel so terrible because I think in some ways I broke up with my exgf to be with her, instead of trying harder at a 3yr relationship. And now Im the one left out in the cold. Whenever she feels like she calls me or talks to me, but I dont always have access to her. And Ive been the fool to just accept that kind of treatment.

I know she likes me, well I'm pretty sure she does, she just can't keep away from me every time she says we need to stop talking, but whenever she decides, she gets so cold, cuts me off and goes back to her bf.

Im leaving in a week to try to work things out with my exgf. Ive hidden from the girl in my class the fact that my exgf will be where Im going, I guess because Im holding out that something will work out between us. But more and more I'm realizing what kind of person she is. My exgf is very committed to trying to work things out, and has been for all of the last 3 months.

Please, any advice is much appreciated. I am sorry this is so long, but it's a complicated story.

Darling, I have something to tell you...

Xurando — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 19:28:15 -0800

Help identify memoirs or other writings which have dialogue in which one spouse informs another of their infidelity or in which the injured spouse reacts to the others infidelity. In response to recent news stories, I am trying to get a sense of the language one uses when informing their spouse they have been unfaithful. I am also looking for what sort of verbal response the other souse may have when informed of infidelity. I am interested primarily in examples from memoirs but will be satisfied with good examples from literature.

What are the limits of couples on a break?

cincinnatus c — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 04:31:25 -0800

Should I give up getting back together with her? Two months ago, my girlfriend split up with me, after two and a half years. The reasons she gave were that she had been depressed for quite a while about very problems in her life, and she didn’t think I was committed enough to help her through them. She wanted a committed future that she didn’t I wanted. Her doubts were understandable – I had been avoiding the subject of ever living together; there is a possibility that she will have to move cities for work later this year & I didn’t make it clear that I intended to go with her.

It was pretty much understood by both of us, though, that we might not want the split to be permanent. We kept in daily contact. About a week after splitting up, there was an evening when she didn’t answer the phone all day and all night. I was really worried about her. In the morning, daftly, I decided to go wait for her at her bus stop on her way to work. I know this was a stupid and creepy thing to do. Anyway, she came out of her house with another guy – a guy from her work who I’d been getting slightly jealous of for a few weeks because they’d been getting really friendly. (I didn’t confront them – I ran away before they saw me.)

Later that day, I told her that I’d seen them. She was really upset, said it was just a mistake, “I don’t him I want you!”, and she was worried that she’d messed up her friendship with the guy. I forgave her, admitting to her that around that time I would fuck anyone too just to try to forget about the split.

Over the next few weeks we met more and more often and it was just great. I realised how much I loved her, and what an idiot I’d been about commitment stuff, and we talked about moving in together and stuff, though we weren’t back together. We were always hugging, often kissing, and occasionally having sex. I definitely wanted back with her. She still wasn’t sure.

On Christmas Day she gave me a big gesture of a present, with a message that she wanted to have another try with me. I was full of joy. However, she had family staying and I didn’t get a chance to be with her for about a week, by which time she’d gone a bit cool, and said she’d panicked a bit after Christmas. So we weren’t back together after all.

Since then, things have been great, in a way, but I find it difficult to deal with the not knowing what will happen. We are still definitely not girlfriend and boyfriend, but we talk about getting a flat, even marriage and children.

Cut to last night. She was supposed to be coming round to mine to watch DVDs, but cancelled because she’d forgotten that she’d arranged to meet a (female) workmate for a drink. Later on, I tried calling her and she didn’t answer again (I should mention that she does this sometimes when she’s really depressed or just tired). I called her in the morning too – no answer. So guess what? I hung around at her bus stop again this morning. Stupid, huh? What happened is: she didn’t come out of her house. She must have stayed elsewhere.

I got an email from her this morning that she was sorry, she’d fallen asleep early after a couple of drinks, missed my calls in the morning and had no credit on her mobile to call me back. Now we’ve arranged to meet for lunch.

I suspect she stayed with the other guy. The thing is, I usually speak to my girlfriend every day, so I usually have a good idea about what she’s up to, and I know for sure that she’s not going out with him secretly. She just hasn’t got the time. (For one thing she was with me 5 nights out of 7 last week.) If there’s something going on, it must be quite casual. Also, I've asked her straight if there's anything going on, and she's said no. We didn't break up because either of us wanted to see other people.

So I’m meeting her for lunch. The question is, what do I do? Is it any business of mine considering we’re not actually a couple? Should I just keep quiet about being there this morning and see how things work out between us? If she slept with him, can I forgive her again because she’s free and single so she can do what she wants? I really would like to be able to do this and not feel like a complete chump. But do I have to dump her for good?

Help me figure out what to do about my relationship.

Anonymous — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 21:02:49 -0800

Help me sort out my feelings about the relationship I’m in because I just can’t seem to figure it out. (long and complicated - sorry!) (I apologize in advance for the length and thank anyone who can actually read the whole thing and offer some insight.)

My girlfriend and I have been together for three years. I’m 25 and she’s 28. We are the somewhat stereotypical lesbian relationship: we met while we were in (unsatisfying) relationships with other people, left our respective partners to be together, became attached at the hip early on (once we started officially seeing each other we did not spend one night apart…. hardly ever), moved across the country together after only dating for six months, and now we live in a big city in a tiny one-bedroom apartment with a dog. We don’t have a lot of friends outside the relationship (a problem we’ve always recognized but never truly tried to fix) and we’re both homebodies for the most part. We even have lunch together almost every day during the week since our offices are close by. Most of the time, this is all okay and even great. I love spending time with her and never get sick of just “hanging out” with her.

When we first met, the sparks and chemistry and intensity was incredible. I have never felt that before in my life. In my heart, I truly felt that this is the person I want to spend my life with; this is the person that I want to grow old with. We connect in ways that I never connected with anyone – intellectually and otherwise.

After about six months to a year (shortly after moving in together), our sex life started to fizzle (think lesbian bed death syndrome). Then she told me that she has memories of being abused as a child, both physically and sexually, mostly the former. Her father was the source of her physical abuse, possibly the sexual abuse as well. In addition, her mother is completely in denial about any of the abuse taking place and has been the cause of my girlfriend having multiple emotional breakdowns since she has started to come to grips with her past abuse. She is in therapy and taking steps to heal and move past the abuse, but I believe it will be a long arduous process. I have done some reading about surviving abuse and the effects on intimate relationships and I won’t lie – I’m scared sh*tless. I’m worried that I am in a relationship that will never ever have satisfying sex again, that my girlfriend will always be the victim when we have arguments and use her past abuse as an excuse for her behavior, and I’m worried that I’ve gotten myself into something I don’t know how to handle.

Our sexual pattern goes something like this: I will initiate sex, usually in a nonverbal way like kissing her, and she will make it apparent that she isn’t interested. I feel disappointed, back down, and then later (either 10 minutes later or two days later, it doesn’t matter), SHE will initiate sex, usually verbally by asking me if I am interested. I generally accept the invitation, we have sex, and then we don’t have sex again for a while (this varies, lately the time between sex has been about two to four weeks). Tonight I told her that this pattern wasn’t working for me anymore, that I don’t like always being rejected only to be invited to have sex later on. Of course this is a control issue. She told me that she needs me to verbally ask her permission before doing anything physical with her – that she doesn’t like it when I start to kiss her, take her belt off, whatever it might be. I obliged to this request, but I feel like it is insane. I don’t know if I can have a sexual relationship with someone who needs me to spell out exactly what I want to do before I do it… like I need to get her to sign an imaginary permission slip before I’m allowed to make love to her. Besides making me feel like a pawn, it completely takes the spontaneity out of sex and kind of makes me not want to do it in the end.

Sometimes I really don’t even want to have sex with her because it is so predictable, so vanilla… I want her to take charge once and a while and do something crazy or different. But she’s only interested in nice, calm, Sarah McLachlan-y sex. Anything else freaks her out (including toys, different positions, etc.). She’s always worried that things will “trigger” her, which I respect and understand… it’s just incredibly disappointing.

Here’s the part where I make my big confession… I have been a less than stellar girlfriend in the faithfulness department. In the past year and a half I have cheated on her with three different people… two of those three people were ongoing affairs that lasted several months. They didn’t mean anything to me past the sex they provided… I was just so incredibly frustrated by the lack of sex in my relationship and so eager to find out what I was missing. They were fun, but that was it – I wasn’t in love with any of them, nor was I interested in prolonging the affairs past their prime. I ended things with the two ongoing people early this year and don’t intend to have any repeat performances. Yes, I got tested and everything was negative re STDs. My guilt was enough to make me realize that it was a mistake. I don’t know why I did it, really… but I think maybe I was just sabotaging this relationship because I’m so worried about the issues she has and the issues we have together. And I thought “oh, I’m young, I shouldn’t be sexless,” etc. etc. Stupid, yes. But it’s over and done with. And she doesn’t know what happened – I decided it would be a horrible idea to tell her because she’s already dealing with enough.

One of the reasons I don’t have a lot of platonic friends outside my relationship with my girlfriend is that I think I tend to sexualize friendships. That’s a different issue for a different post, but I felt I needed to say it here. Maybe one of the reasons I do it is because I feel very sexually repressed and I am subconsciously looking for an outlet in everyone that I meet. Generally, if I’m not sexually attracted to someone I don’t make much effort to have a friendship with them and we lose touch. Weird, yes.

Sometimes, crazy as it may seem, we have this seemingly perfect life together… we’re thinking about the future together and where we might be living in the next year (we might be moving out of the area so she can pursue grad school), and I’m always imagining the house we’ll live in and the life we can build together. But are my hopes for our future overshadowing the problems in our relationship, and is going along with whatever she wants when she wants it just going to dig me in deeper to issues that I am not prepared to deal with?

We went to couples therapy once last year and it was absolutely not helpful for me. Partly because our therapist had this “I don’t keep secrets” policy, so I could never tell her about my infidelities if I wanted her to keep them confidential. But also because I have a hard time talking about serious stuff face to face with a total stranger. Hence the AskMe post.

I feel as though there is a lot more to mention here that I am neglecting to include… mostly I just worry about being the constantly supportive girl in the relationship while my needs are being pushed aside because hers are more important… something like that.

Help?

Once a cheater, always a cheater

confused1965 — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 09:07:56 -0800

Once a cheater always a cheater? I will not go into details much. My bf cheated on me again. I lost tracked how many times now for the past 2 years. His explanationn is that when he gets pissed off at me, he tends to want to contact his exes and communicate with them. So far, he has been caught texting them, emails, phone calls. Nothing that proves that he met with them. But still, its betraying the trust and its cheating. I gave him another chance but it hurts whenever I remember the betrayals and just thinking that he cheats. I love him. I know I do. But I keep forgiving him. I cant help it. Is there anybody out here who went through this kind of relationship or going through it right now? Once a cheater always a cheater, is this true?

kiss and told. Now what?

Anonymous — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 02:55:30 -0800

2 months before the wedding. Fiance kissed another man while drunk. Told me about it. Now what? She had confessed to having a crush on a co-worker a few months ago, but after talking about it with me seemed to be over it. However, tonight was her office's xmas party which I did not attend. She came home really hammered and told me that she kissed this co-worker at the party. Apparently, she pulled him into a bathroom to ask him why he was ignoring her, one thing led to another and they kissed a few times. They then talked about a sexual tension between them, but she said she loved me and he said he loved his fiance and that was the end of it (as far as I know). They were both drunk at the time.

I am very pissed off about this and but I feel very conflicted about it at the same time. I mean on the scale of cheating, kissing someone is below fucking them, but it was still a betrayal of my trust. One minute I feel like I could forgive her and the next minute I think that there's no way I'll be able to trust her again BUT she was at least honest enough to tell me right away and was very contrite about it BUT she initiated the whole thing. ARGH!

This is the first time something like this has happened and we've been together about 9 years now. I feel like I need some outside advice on how serious a betrayal this is - as the wedding date has gotten closer she's gone from being happy about it to somewhat "blah", so this might be just jitters(?), I don't know, but now I am just disappointed and disgusted, mostly because it was with some guy she had already said she was over - and I trusted her about that and look where it got me.

In your opinions, how serious is this? If I called off the wedding or broke up with her would I be over-reacting?

Help a future cheater to never exist

Eothele — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 09:37:12 -0800

Resources to help a young person understand plagiarism and why it's bad. I am a TA in a general biology course at a large university, and one of my students has submitted a lab report that contains verbatim exerpts from 4 uncredited sources. My judgement, which I will not explain for brevity's sake but which I hope you will accept when answering, is that she doesn't understand how this is dishonest because she's come from schools teaching to standardized tests and her generation has always had the power to paste and doesn't always have teachers explaining why it's not good scholarship. I believe that a well reasoned article or two will turn her around. What resources exist online or in print or whatever?

Would my roommate's boyfriend's surprise appearance be unwanted?

Anonymous — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 08:20:37 -0800

My roommate's long-distance boyfriend asked me to help him surprise her. But I'm afraid he might be the one who gets surprised, if she's sleeping with someone else (I'm not sure). What do I do? My roommate and I have been living together since September. We were assigned randomly (last year of college) and did not know each other before then. We get along well and are friendly, but we aren't friends.

She is from the opposite coast, and is in a long-distance relationship with a guy who still lives there. In October, he came to visit for about five days. I met him briefly and said hi, but we didn't talk. He stayed in her room (we have separate bedrooms). Everything seemed to be going well: they went out every night, she put tons of pictures of them together on Facebook, and they had loud (although brief) sex every night.

Earlier this week, he called me out of the blue and asked for my help. He wants to surprise my roommate by appearing one morning, but because the apartment we share is in a college dorm, he will need me to go downstairs, sign him in with security, and bring him up to the apartment we share. He will be flying in early Saturday morning and flying out late Saturday night (his family has a ton of money, much more than either she or I do). I thought this was an awesome, romantic idea and he was amazingly sweet and dedicated to think of it and to be willing to give up so much (not just money, but a lot of time and effort) to make it happen, so I agreed without a second thought.

Tonight my roommate brought another guy into the apartment late at night, made dinner for him, and hung out with him for hours, talking/joking about a lot of things, including explicit sex talk. Their conversation didn't include any obvious reasons for his presence (e.g. both foodies, or he wanted to learn how to make this meal, etc.). I thought I heard a few sounds of kisses, but they were cooking, so it could have been something else? This was all in the shared area, where I couldn't help overhearing. They also spent some time inside her room. At one point when they were in the kitchen, I went in pretending to get something. Nothing obvious was going on, but they were clearly physically comfortable with each other (touching, standing against each other when I tried to get by in a crowded space).

I have really good guy friends of my own, so I know that could be all he is, but among other things, we live so far away that friends don't want to come over -- they'll ask to meet at their places, or somewhere in between. Literally, in 3.5 months, neither of us has ever had anyone but sex partners visit the apartment. Between that, the late-night circumstances, the possible kissing . . . it seems to add up. But one thing against that interpretation is that when she was having sex with her boyfriend, she was very loud, but when she and this guy were alone in her room, I didn't hear anything, so that argues they were watching a movie or something not sexual. Still, if she was single, I would definitely assume that this was a date.

As it is, I have no idea what's going on. Maybe she's just realized she likes this guy better, and she's waiting to break up with the boyfriend in person when she goes back home for winter break. Maybe she's getting a little on the side and not planning on telling her boyfriend. Maybe she's sleeping with other guys so she can call her boyfriend and tell him every last detail while he jerks off. Maybe she's not even sleeping with this guy! Whatever it is, it's none of my business, and I wouldn't care at all if I hadn't agreed to help her boyfriend go to such great lengths to surprise her.

So what do I do? Call the boyfriend back and be like "You may want to reconsider"? Ask the roommate if she's interested in the new guy, and look incredibly offensively snoopy if they're just friends? Keep my mouth shut, go along with the plan, and have them both absolutely furious with me if she's done with him? The boyfriend is coming this Saturday, the 15th, and I'm sure he already has the plane tickets -- I have to decide fast!

Tell me you love me... on second thought, don't.

Anonymous — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 06:09:50 -0800

I have a hunch the new boyfriend is going to drop the "I love you" bomb this weekend. I'm psyched. Trouble is: I don't know if I believe him, and therefore don't know how to best respond. I'm crazy about this fella, but have my doubts about his romantic sincerity for good reason (see this link for background). However he's been nothing but attentive/romantic/wonderful to me the last couple weeks, leading up to him hinting on the phone that this weekend "there's something I want to tell you about us that I've only just realized, but I want to wait until we're face to face to make it special."

Here's where we enter the muddy waters of self-defense mechanisms and neurosis: the last time I allowed myself to really fall in love with someone, I got seriously hurt/emotionally crippled from it. My last boyfriend swore up and down that he was in love with me, convinced me to embark on a grand romantic adventure together-- and then cheated on me a few months later. And to add insult to injury: he then said he realized never ACTUALLY was in love with me, he just fooled himself into thinking it because we were so compatible as a couple and because he just craved the high romance aspect of it all-- but not actually me as a person. Which totally did a number on my perception of my ability to be loved since he knew me better than anyone else, etc, etc... Whatever. I realize it happens all the time.

So because of that I've been very careful about maintaining an equal power dynamic, at least on the surface, with this new boyfriend. I am incredibly self-sufficient, not needy, would never drop the "L" word first. I've been doing my best to be smart in this relationship and not get carried away just because I irrationally feel like I could be with this guy for the rest of my life. Because even though I'm head over heels for him, I don't 100% trust him or know him extremely well, even though we've been together for about 4 months.

So I guess my question is, when he says "I love you" this weekend, should I:
A. Respond (truthfully) "I love you too." And then spend the next few weeks cringing, secretly waiting for him to take it back.
B. Say "You really don't have to say that, if you're not sure. You want to take a few weeks to think about it and then get back to me on it?"
C. "I feel like I could love you too-- but I have been hurt in the past and it's made it very hard for me to open up that way. So please don't say it unless you really mean it."
D. "Thank you, you're lovely." ...And then tell him I love him whenever I feel safe doing so, even if it's not until weeks and weeks later.

I realize I'm crazy and over-thinking it. I'm just trying not to screw this up, or screw myself over again, in the exact same way I did before. (For what it's worth, I haven't told him about the ex. He doesn't know how damaged I am.)

Help me keep my hands to myself.

Anonymous — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 06:59:01 -0800

For the first time in the 3 years I've been with my fiancé, I'm irresistably attracted to someone else. Of course, I have to work with the object of my lust. I've just started a new job, and I've become overwhelmingly attracted to the guy who is training me. Besides his physical attributes, his personality and interests mesh well with mine and we have a lot of non-work-related conversations. My attraction is so strong that I have a hard time concentrating on my work.

This has totally taken me by surprise because I am very happy and in love with my partner. We've had the normal ups and downs of any relationship, but at the end of the day I know he's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I have zero intention of cheating on him. I have never betrayed him in the slightest.

Before meeting my fiance, I do have a rather sordid history of pursuing all the wrong guys - married men, my supervisors at work, etc. I definitely lack self-control in this area.

Though my coworker definitely likes my personality, I don't think my physical attraction is recriprocated, so I don't foresee him doing anything inappropriate. (Also, he's married, apparently happily.) I have to talk to him many times a day for work-related reasons (plus our cubicles are next to each other), but I want to make sure that I don't cross any lines. How can I keep myself out of danger here? How can I get through the day without these constant fantasies driving me crazy?

Must I jettison Jezebel?

Anonymous — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 07:04:22 -0800

Should I be worried about my boyfriend and his smokin' hot new female roommate? Who has a tendency to sleep with her roommates regardless of their relationship status? So I've got this new boyfriend, who is pretty much the bee's knees in my eyes. We've only been together a few months, the power dynamic seems equal enough, the sex is amazing and frequent, and even though we are total opposites (he's a cute frat boy jock and I've always been "that cool sarcastic girl" with her nose in a book who could stand to lose ten pounds) things have been going really well and I think I'm falling for him big time. He has frequently assured me -without me even once having to ask for assurances- that he is very into our relationship and has no interest in breaking up. However.

A few weeks ago he had a friend-of-a-friend move in to his place-- a gorgeous ex-sorority girl jock-ette, who shares far more of his interests than I do and, if I can just emphasize this-- looks like she could pose for Maxim. And he "loves her to death," always talking about what a great roommate she is, often inviting her along with us on dates because she doesn't really have her own friends yet, cooks her dinner when she's had a rough day, calls her daily to 'check in,' etc. He never knew her til she moved in, and now she's one of his posse. True my boyfriend is a super nice feller.. but this is starting to worry me.

And here's the kicker. The friend who introduced Senora Hottie to my BF told my BF and I that Senora Hottie slept with her last male roommate, even though he had a girlfriend at the time. And my BF rushed to her defense, saying "well it's great that she is still able to be friends with the guy, and that she didn't get weird or hurt when he returned to his real GF." Which I thought was an odd thing to say.

Basically I don't know whether I'm being crazy or rational to worry about the two of them alone in the house together all the time. I never ever play the role of typical insecure new girlfriend to his face, but inside I'm, of course, a typical insecure new girlfriend. There is no way in hell I would ever let him know I was jealous or insecure about her because I very much want to trust him and be cool with it. But I've been cheated on in the recent past by a long term boyfriend and I really don't want to experience that again.

Strangely in spite of all this, I genuinely LIKE her. She's not the smartest or most unique girl on the block but she is peppy and fun and has never been anything but friendly to me. And part of me thinks maybe he'd be better off dating someone like her over someone like me who is so different from the girls he usually dates. (Who.. um.. are just like her.)

So what should I do? Is this a ticking time bomb or just a case of me needing to chill out and trust this guy? If only I knew what he was capable of, I wouldn't have to ask the ask.me community. Suggestions or anecdotal experiences are much appreciated!

Now I Know How Simone Warne Must Have Felt.

Anonymous — Sat, 29 Sep 2007 21:30:39 -0800

Is my fiancée cheating on me, or is this simply a case of a wrong number at the wrong time? My fiancée and I have been together now for almost three years and by and large we've had a happy, healthy relationship. Sure we've had our problems. I'm more interested in sex than she is and we don't go out as often anymore as we once used to (leading to her telling me on a few occasions that she feels a little bored) but as I said, by and large we've been very, very happy together, and are looking forward to getting married in a year or two and starting the rest of our lives together.

Last Monday, my girl told me she had been asked to go out on a girl's night out with a female friend from work and some of her friends. I will admit, I wasn't thrilled with the idea. I know what guys are like and while I trust her, I don't trust a city-full of drunken guys seeing my sexy lady and trying to hit on her. But I'm sane enough to know I don't control her, and even more sane enough to know that I couldn't very well ban her from going or anything, so all I could do was suck it up and try and make the best of a night at home by myself. Plus, bottom line, I do trust her and had always told her I would always trust her until she gave me a reason not to.

She had told me she was only planning on staying out till midnight but at 5am this morning she crawled into bed, drunk. She told me that only one guy had tried to hit on her, but she had rebuked him and that all she could think of all night was me. She would have had sex with me there and then, she also said, except she was too tired. Given it was 5am and I had hardly slept most of that night out of worrying, I was too tired for it myself so we slept until 11am and then went about our usual Sunday.

And then at 1.30, as we watched a DVD, she got an MMS. She went and grabbed her phone and sat down next to me and we looked at it together. It was an unknown number. She opened the MMS and it was a picture of a toned naked guy, full frontal, with his dick in his hand. And the message along with it read "Northern suburbs. Send me a pic of you and we'll talk."

Naturally my mind started racing. She swears that she didn't do anything wrong but she also admits that this looks very, very suspicious. Although I'm inclined to believe her (she has never given me a reason not to trust her), I think she may have, in her drunken state, accidentally given a guy her number last night which led to this MMS. She started to cry and claims that not even that happened, and again I am inclined to believe that, but I'm not sure.

At any rate, she deleted the MMS straight away, so unless he writes back, we can't really test any of these theories by writing back to him. For her part, she has said that if he does write back, she will write back to him, in front of me, that he has the wrong number.

The only other theory I can come up with is that maybe some dude was chatting online to some chick, and she gave him her number while asking "where do you live?" In response, he sent her this picture of himself with the attached message. This theory does make some sense as 'Northern Suburbs' is usually a reference to the northern suburbs of Sydney. In Brisbane, where we live, we don't call our northern suburbs the Northern Suburbs. We call it the northside. So basically, if she had been cheating on me, and this dude was from Brisbane, he would have more likely written Northside. Send me a pic of you and we'll talk." It's not much of a theory, I'll grant you, but it's a theory nevertheless.

I should also mention that in the limited time I've had to think about this, I have realised that if she hadn't gone out last night and we had still gotten this message, I would never have even suspected for a second that she was cheating on me or otherwise. But in the light of the fact that she did go out for a drunken night on the town with hordes of lecherous guys on the prowl all around her, my mind can't help but put A and B together...

So Metafilter, what's your take on this? Is my fiancée cheating on me? Or do you think she accidentally and innocently gave out her number and doesn't remember it? Is this simply a case of a wrong number at the wrong time? Or is it something else I may not even have considered.

Over to you...

Do not seem to be able to walk away

spotty_dog — Sat, 01 Sep 2007 11:42:01 -0800

Relationship filter - Help me be a stronger person... After having my trust broken for like the hundreth time in my present relationship, i am starting to wonder why i stay in it.

Here is what usually happens - He betrays me by lying about things eg other women (though nothing physical has ever happened the intention was there). I find out - he says sorry - i say i need more than sorry as i have heard it all before - he says he will try harder etc etc - he never does - i end up just accepting it.

What makes it worse is i know i accept it because of my insecurities of being by myself (i am 39 weeks pregnant), and will try anything to make it work. The more he treats me like crap though the more shit i take!

It also seems that he manages to make me feel like the one in the wrong... for example when he fucks up, naturally i get upset and might shout down the phone, or call more than maybe what is normal due to my insecurities. He then says i am in the one in the wrong and starts calling me names or tells me i am metally screwed and should get more help from my therapy.

I guess i am wondering how i can go about what i already know. I know i need to walk away. I know i need to stop obsessing and letting him treat me like this. Problem is, it has gone on for so long, it is hard to break the cycle.

Have started therapy, but am still having problems...

IANAL Divorcefilter (please hope me)

Anonymous — Mon, 06 Aug 2007 19:17:36 -0800

My marriage of ~10yrs is on the ropes. My wife is suing for divorce, and (among other less important things) wants full custody of our beautiful youngsters (ages >4 and <10). There's more inside, but here are my specific questions: 1) I have reason to believe she is having an affair. Does her alleged adultery, if proven, give me any leverage with regards to custody? 2) What other ethical ways are there to ensure I at least get joint physical and legal custodianship? Just so you understand: I still love her, and although we've had issues I'm willing to admit my shortcomings, share blame, and do anything/everything to keep our family together. I've told her this, repeatedly begging and pleading. The shock of this has taken all of the fight out of me. She refuses counseling, leaves for extended weekends, and is breaking my heart and our family to pieces. We live in the great state of Oklahoma (the original no fault divorce state).

There is no reason to deny custody to me as I am a devoted, loving Dad. She changed the locks to our home on the day I was served, and claims she will file a protective order if I go anywhere near it. Even though there are no grounds for the protective order, and she would have to lie to get one, my lawyer says it would look bad to press the access issue.

My wife has our children, but she lets them call often. She lets me have them sparingly, but dangles them in front of me and lets me take them only when it is convenient for her. She then leaves for days at a time without calling them, returning their calls, or telling us where she is going (I assume to rendezvous with her new flame). She was disappearing and shirking our shared financial obligations for some time prior to serving me. This is the main reason for our arguments. The arguments and "incompatability" are her reasons for wanting the divorce. We make about the same amount of money, but I have historically covered 60-70% of our expenses along with the lion's share of cooking, grocery shopping and home care.

Thank gods, the young ones seem to be handling this alright. We sat down with them to discuss why/what is happening. After being served, we are always civil in their presence. She and they seem as vibrant and happy as ever, but this is tearing me apart at the core. Even though over the last year we had started arguing lately regarding finances (to my shame, in front of the children occasionally) I_still_love_my_wife. Even more, I_LOVE_MY_CHILDREN, and I can't imagine living without them, in my life full -time.

I'm a regular MeFite (mostly lurk) and I need/value your input and/or commiseration. However, since I'm using anonymous I cant reply to this thread. If you want more info you can reach me at lostinokc07@gmail.com. I might not answer unless you give me your MeFi handle and you have been on MeFi for awhile (because I know she hasn't and I don't want to errantly give up any ammo). Any and all comments, suggestions, or even (sigh) sympathy is greatly appreciated. This is my own personal WTC-I had no idea this was coming.

Thanks for your time guys. Though I have never seen you, I love you.

An old friend with a SO is putting the moves on...

Anonymous — Sun, 05 Aug 2007 07:44:04 -0800

An old friend has recently started putting the moves on me. Although I'm both attracted and available, I've been dodging because they're living with a SO of several years and enabling their cheating seems wrong. I've been considering this situation for a little while, and being rather green regarding relationships I'd like to bounce it off a few people. However, this is a mutual friend and I'd also like to avoid word reaching their SO, so here I am asking mefi.

Is this a typical way of transitioning between relationships? Is it socially acceptable? From my position do you think it falls foul of the simple "golden rule" / "harm none" moral philosophy?

Is this typical behavior?

MiffyCLB — Tue, 17 Jul 2007 19:07:42 -0800

Is this cheating? My husband periodically gets infatuated with other women and "finds himself" in some very personal space with them.. a hotel room, a bed, a car... he says "nothing happened, we just talked". I actually can swallow that nothing physical happened but "talking" can be an incredibly intimate thing. I can often see it coming. If a woman enters his life who is talented in some way that he admires, he generally gets pal-y with her and it goes from there. He never seems to see it coming.

Is this typical? Is it cheating? What IS cheating? Would you be okay with it?