Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with cheating

How easy is to to cheat with dice?

Cannon Fodder — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 08:19:00 -0800

Rolling a standard six sided dice, how easy would it be for someone to roll it in a way that makes sixes (or any number) come up more frequently? Would it be obvious if someone was doing it?

A breakup means you break things off...

Anonymous — Tue, 11 Jun 2013 15:06:23 -0800

This was me. Short version: was in a 6 year relationship with about a year of long distance, partner dumped me for someone else out of the blue. A month later he broke up with her and has since been really working hard for us to get back together. I can't imagine trusting him enough to get back into a relationship, but I love him and he's my best friend so we're doing this weird friends-who-miss-one-another and love-one-another thing that I know will eventually end badly. What should I do? This is anonymous so I'm going to write a bunch to avoid later clarifications. Sorry it's so long.

Timeline: For about two weeks in the second half of February, he was seeing us both. In early March he called me to tell me and we broke up (not in a great way--I had to lead him through the conversation). At my furious insistence, we spent about a month and a half not talking, aside from a few dramatic calls and email exchanges when he was really struggling. I started to heal. In mid-April, we had one long friendly phone conversation; a few days later he unexpectedly showed up at my door, 700 miles from where he lives, to say how much he loved me. We talked for hours but another friend was staying with me from out of town and I sent him home that night. After this, he seemed to feel a lot better and I felt a lot worse having been reminded of how much I loved him.

Since then, we've been in frequent contact, discussing our relationship and just hanging out. I've been clear that I can't trust him after such an abrupt betrayal, and might never be able to. He's contextualized the cheating by describing that he felt like he was torn between two lives: the one in his hometown and the one he was going to start when he was to move in with me in the summer. When he felt attraction to someone else, he thought he could stop feeling so torn and start to live fully in his hometown (quarter-life crisis!). That obviously didn't work out and he daily reiterates how much he loves me and wants to be with me.

I love him very much but can't see feeling secure in any future relationship with him for a very long time. He didn't communicate with me about any of his issues with our relationship until he had fallen in love with someone else, so I was totally blindsided by the breakup. At the same time, he's my best friend, I love spending time with him more than anyone else, and I am really afraid of losing him. Before we started dating, we were friends; I've been close to him for more than a third of my life (if it isn't blindingly clear from this relationship ridiculousness, we're in our mid-20s) and he knows me better than anyone else. We've been communicating really clearly about our feelings, even doing exercises from books about infidelity, just to try to work through this.

We text or talk almost every day. I'm basically not moving on, but know we can't be together right now. Every day we talk, I feel more interested in being with him even though there's a solid wall of distrust that won't let it happen. I imagine we should stop talking (hey, I read AskMe, I know the drill) but honestly--I am tired of making hard emotional decisions and just want there to be a less painful way for us to start healing. A complication is that he's started a bunch of new interests, a new job, and basically started to grow up in a new way since the breakup. I'm starting grad school in the fall, but basically feel a bit emotionally stuck, so I have some resentment that the breakup seemed to be really good for him but really threw me off course.

Here are my questions:
1) What is the kindest and most future-friendship-saving way for us to proceed? Is there a good way to split the difference between daily contact and no contact at all? I feel cruel because I know it hurts us both when we talk, but it feels so much better than the alternative.
2) If we should do no contact, for how long? With any exceptions? When I asked for no contact before, he repeatedly initiated contact (including showing up at my place). We've talked about how that's inappropriate boundary-breaking, but I also always responded and wanted to talk when he did. How do I commit to not having that happen again?
3) Any sage advice for me in general? I'm generally a responsible-ish adult with adult emotional responses, but I'm flailing with this.

Once an attempted cheater....

Anonymous — Tue, 11 Jun 2013 12:28:13 -0800

I have had some tough times with my partner of just over two years and we were on the way to solving them. But something new has come up and I am trying to get some perspective on whether it is reasonable for me to carry things on or if I'm in denial and need to end it. Right now, we are in a very good place. We love each other very much, we see a future together, we have talked about our concerns about what making a family together would be like and are on the same page about how to work through those concerns (i.e. division of labour which has always been my big fear). He is working on being more affectionate in the way that I need (verbal affirmations) while I am working on recognizing the ways he does show love (acts of service). We are very compatible in all of the important ways and I have never had a relationship that I felt this happy with.

We had some tough times starting just over a year ago, when I discovered he had been in contact with more than one of his exes, and was flirting with them via text and email though not actually meeting up. He saw it at the time as harmless fun in the nature of pornography while I saw it as a breach of my trust and told him if he wanted to be with me that wasn't ok. He agreed, and I can see since then that he is making a greater effort to show his commitment to me. I do believe he has cut off contact with the other women. I went to therapy to deal with my anxiety about this and have now got to a pretty good place. I don't have the feeling of dread and physiological discomfort that persisted for the last year or so, and am now keeping an open mind: I'm not putting on blinders or ignoring possible red flags, but I'm also not spending my days with irrational fears popping up unbidden.

From time-to-time, though, there are occasions where I feel more nervous and I have in those times succumbed to snooping. I know it's wrong, and I hate it, and I wish I never had. It's just that I feel better when I snoop and see everything seems fine (accepting that of course evidence can be erased -- it still gives me a jolt of comfort in those nervous times). For some reason, I decided this morning to look further back in time from before our issues last year, and I went on his phone to see some text messages from two years ago, when we had only been dating for three months. We had been exclusive after about a month of dating, yet I saw some texts with another girl. Amongst the back-and-forth, he was suggesting that they get together. He said in a text that they could make out and see what happens. We were, at that time, unambiguously NOT seeing other people, by agreement. It appears that things kind of fizzled and they never got together but she did send him photographs of herself earlier in the exchange.

I confronted him about it today and he looked crestfallen. I think he had totally forgotten about it. He told me they never met up, and now that we have worked through those issues last year he can't imagine doing anything like it again. He wants us to stay together, he feels terrible for hurting me...all of which I'm sure is true but I'm not sure if it's enough.

The other indiscretions had seemed different somehow: while I wouldn't do it myself, I can see how someone could justify in the moment some flirting by text. It's the fact that in these ones he was trying to actually meet up, that makes it hard to digest. On the other hand, it was so long ago and our relationship has grown and changed so much since then.

I really, really don't want to have this person out of my life. I am better with him than without, and we are so happy on a daily basis. But I don't want to be a sucker and wonder if it would be crazy to try to build a life with someone who did something like this in our first few months of dating. Can a person who has trouble committing at 3 months really be faithful for 3 years...or 30? What can I do to fully satisfy myself that the risks of future hurt are manageable given the past?

Should I report another correspondence course student for cheating?

talitha_kumi — Thu, 16 May 2013 08:36:51 -0800

While researching for a course assignment, I discovered posts made on two seperate forums by another student on the same course as me, who attempted to cheat on the assignment by flat-out asking people for the answer. Should I report the other student to the course provider? I am taking a correspondence course in proofreading. Whilst working on the first examined assignment, I encountered a question regarding whether the difference between using a a colon or a semicolon in a particular sentence would be a matter of correctness or preferred style. A Google search looking for punctuation rules and example sentences that would help me answer the question* led me to two grammar-related forums where I found two people with almost identical usernames asking people for the answer to the exact sentence in my assignment. The posts on both forums were dated February this year. The liklihood that someone could spontaneously pick this exact multi-clause sentence as a random example is miniscule. From this, I concluded that there is a student currently taking the same course** who is attempting to cheat on this assignment***. There are five assignments in the course, and this first assignment is the only one that does not count towards the final grade.

Given this, should I take any action? Should I do nothing because it's none of my business? Should I contact the course provider to notify them? Should I contact this student and tell them I know what they're doing and they should knock it off?

* The rules of the course say that we are permitted to look up anything we choose, but we are not permitted to discuss the specific assignment sentences with anyone.

** Once registered on the course, you have a year to complete all the assignments, but there are no specific deadlines. Most people take six months to finish. So it's unlikely that anyone who was working on assignment 1 three months ago could have completed the course already.

*** Whilst the student's question was answered on both forums, the answers contradicted each other, so the cheating attempt was unsuccessful.

Not thinking straight.

Anonymous — Mon, 13 May 2013 11:05:02 -0800

Just found out my boyfriend slept with someone else on Saturday night. Background: We've been together for over a year. Moved in together after a month and although we've had our ups and downs, I've never felt this way about anyone before. A few months ago he moved back to our home town for employment reasons and since then we've gone from living together to daily phone calls and seeing each other most weekends.

I'm early 30's, he's late 20's His family love me and vice versa. I've trusted him like I've never trusted anyone before. In fact I never actually did trust anyone before I met him. In the past I've been lied to, deceived and cheated on (and been a cheat too tbh), but with him I was naturally faithful, never even looked at another man and just knew he felt the same way. So I thought.

He's not a lascivious type of man, in fact one of the things I've loved most about him is that he does not objectify women in a way that is so common these days. He doesn't leer or even slyly check girls out in front of me, and while I know that he looks at porn for a few minutes now and then to get himself off when we're apart it doesn't bother me because he is honest with me about it. We've always been extremely open, no secrets even when it causes arguments. Our phones are open to one another, we know each others email/FB passwords and he doesn't ever flag up my intuition with suspicious distrustful behaviour. He is a very loving person. He cuddles my granny, spends his day off chopping wood for his invalided grandad. I think he's a good guy. Well, I thought he was.

However he has always had an issue with drinking. When we got together I stated clearly that I would only be with him if he got that under control and to his credit he really did. He cut back significantly but as I like to drink in moderation , we would still drink together sometimes and on the odd occasion he would have a blow out with his old drinking buddies, which I never liked but accepted that someone can only change so much in a certain amount of time.

Recently an old fling of his from years ago has been messaging him persistently on FB. It irritated me a little as it clearly states on FB he is in a relationship but still she was email bombing him, despite him barely responding except once or twice to be polite. More than anything I felt sorry for her as she is young and has several kids in a blatantly unhappy relationship. She also has alcohol addiction and while she may have been attractive once, she is really physically unappealing now. . Didn't think in a hundred years that she would be a threat. We have a great sex life and Bf, ex-bf, lets call him H, H is a very handsome guy and despite having attractive women often hitting on him I've never felt threatened. I know 100% up to this point he has been faithful. Wish I could explain why but I just always felt we were so right for each other, and nobody else could compete with what we had together. Again, shows what I know.

On Saturday night we had an argument over the phone, the first in a while (we've had a rough patch lately due to an unwanted pregnancy and the subsequent termination) and I hung up on him. I knew that evening he was going out to catch up with a friend whom hadn't been out since his gf had their baby, so a lot of drinking would definitely be going on. Still as bad as our argument was, the thought that H would potentially cheat on me just didn't occur.

He didn't call me yesterday and I was working anyway so I figured he was hungover and feeling sorry for himself. Left it till today and after my work we talked on the phone and he confessed what happened. He was out drinking at a party, slept with her at someone elses house, can't remember much. Didn't use protection.

I am in disbelief . He sounded as shocked as me, apologetic, regretful and angry at himself. He hasn't asked me to forgive him though, just said he's ruined it and he doesn't know what to do.

I don't know what to do either. I know it sounds so pathetic but I still love him and although I can't say I'd trust him to go out drinking again, I still trust him to be honest with me.

Am I crazy stupid to consider forgiving him? Has anyone ever forgiven their partner a one night stand and gone on to enjoy their relationship or is that just a ridiculous notion and I'm setting myself up for further grief? Should I cut my losses and flee?

FWIW H meets some very, very specific ideals I have in a partner and can't imagine meeting anyone else I feel the same way about. I still love him and believe he still loves me so if I have to finish this how do I go about making that happen? I actually don't want to lose what we've got, that much is probably obvious but I need guidance on what to do here as I know I'm not thinking rationally. Can't talk to any of my friends or family about this as they would never accept him again and I'm not ready to take that step.

Could you tell me how to succeed in being unfaithful?

Bathtub Bobsled — Sun, 07 Apr 2013 11:50:33 -0800

Please tell me stories about cheating or being cheated on. Or, pretend to be a sociopath for a few minutes, and give advice on how to successfully cheat and get away with it. I'm working on a script for a film, and I'm struggling with one of the themes involved. To avoid going off on tangents, I have a sub story involving a few characters who are cheating on each other, with people both of them regularly interact with and... Somehow... They are getting away with it. Problem is, I'm really struggling to come up with an intriguing, or novel set of events and/or tricks, if you will.

Basically, can you tell me some stories involving you cheating on a partner/spouse/SO, being cheated on, or (for serial cheaters) could you tell me some of the ways you keep finding yourself involved in the act?

Aside from the "oh dear, we happened to be drunk and alone with each other, how could this have happened...?" I'm really not coming up with anything decent.

Parents. Cheating. Way out of my depth.

Anonymous — Fri, 05 Apr 2013 13:52:46 -0800

My mom just found out my dad's been cheating on her. How do I deal with all of this from 3000 miles away? My parents have been together for over 40 years, and my mother recently discovered a very inappropriate message from my father to another woman. I don't know all the details, but it's definitely already in affair territory. I haven't talked to my dad yet, so I don't know if this is emotional at all or just a fling (not that it really matters), but my mom is rightfully furious and seriously considering divorce. My mom is the primary breadwinner in the family, but they own a business together and are extremely visible in the community, so their professional and private lives have been heavily entwined for a very long time now. They've never had an especially smooth marriage, and I used to worry they would split when I was a kid, but as I got older, it seemed as though they'd weathered the worst of it. This has been the first indication of cheating, as far as I know.

Until this point, I've had a reasonably good relationship with both of them. I'm the oldest of their three children, but I live on the other side of the country. My brother is a few hours away in the next state over, and my adult sister still lives at home. After my mom found out, she sent an angry, but reasonably calm email to all of us about what happened. I want to support my mom, but I'm not really sure what to do. Do I respond to the email? I could go home, but I don't know if that would help at all or just add to the stress. I usually talk to them on the phone regularly, but right now, I'm not even sure if I should call.

It's worth mentioning that there's a fair amount of cultural baggage attached here as well. Although we're extremely Americanized in a lot of ways, we're from a minority culture that doesn't really talk about difficult issues well. Divorce, while not exactly rare, is still kind of taboo, and counseling is practically unheard of. In the past, they've regularly used me as the family intermediary. I really don't know how or if either of my parents is going to want to talk to me about any of this, but I'm pretty certain I'm going to get a lot of panicked phone calls from my siblings soon.

I don't want to totally cut ties with him, but I'm extremely angry with my dad. He's also the one who is likely to come out the worst from all this. My mom is very independent, financially secure, and has a large and stable social network of friends and family. My dad has lots of friends and likes to act the part of the big shot, but ultimately he's been almost entirely dependent on my mom for his lifestyle, and he's starting to show signs of physical decline. I think my mom is probably right to just walk away, but if they do separate and/or divorce, it's going to be hard on everyone, and I just feel so awful about the whole bloody mess. How do I help my family through this? Can I help them?

Partner of 6 years kissed someone else - what next?

Anonymous — Mon, 04 Mar 2013 13:12:24 -0800

That's basically what I know right now. He kissed someone he's in a group with after the two of them went out to lunch. We've been together for 6 years, have been living in different states for the past year and a half; the distance was supposed to end this summer when we moved in together in a new city, but now I don't know what to think. He told me himself this morning; the kiss happened yesterday. We're talking about it tonight. This was an explicit violation of the terms of our relationship, which is not at all open. Possibly relevant: we're in our mid-late 20s, see one another in person about once a month, talk daily. Though I didn't know it at the time, he was "kind of" seeing someone when we got together (as was I) and that relationship ended when ours began, so maybe this is just how he ends relationships. Aside from that, nothing like this has happened to my knowledge.

So:
How can I figure out how I actually feel about this (beside hurt and sad)? I've been open in the past to an open relationship (trying to be pragmatic about long-distance and human nature) but he wasn't interested in that. Now I'm feeling betrayed and also wondering if it's just my fault for moving away. It takes me a really long time to emerge from shock to true emotion, so I'm not sure how to make decisions about my relationship when I haven't started processing yet.

Also:
How do I approach this call tonight? My morbid curiosity means I want to ask a bunch of questions about the relationship, how long attraction has been present, etc., but I don't know if that's going to help or hurt. Thoughts? Knowing my partner, he's going to be looking to me to lead the conversation with my feelings, but I don't know if I'll know what they are at that point.

Also also:
If we stay together, are there ways to rebuild trust after this out-of-the-blue breach of it?

I think my father is cheating on my mother. How do I deal?

Anonymous — Fri, 01 Mar 2013 17:02:39 -0800

I'm an adult who doesn't live with my parents. I've been suspecting something shady going on for the past 6 months and it's taking a toll on my stress levels. How do I deal with this situation? I suspect that many people will suggest that I butt out of my parents' relationship, but I'll explain anyway.

When I was a teenager, my parents dealt with an infidelity issue concerning my father. It rocked our family life for a while, but ultimately, my parents stayed together and I don't know how it was resolved. I don't know whether my father eventually admitted it and they worked through it, or if he kept denying it and my mother just accepted the denial.

15 years later, this issue is rearing it's head again. My preference is to not have to think about it or get dragged into it, however, my father and I work in the same place and I see him everyday and am exposed to some shady behaviour. Before I begin, changing jobs, while likely ideal, is absolutely not an option for me right now so please don't suggest it.

My family is very close. I get along fantastically with both of my parents, and superficially, my parents get along really well with each other. My father takes care of my mother very well.

Here are the things that make me suspect that he's doing something wrong:

1) Last year, I started noticing that he was texting all the time at work. My father doesn't text. He doesn't even respond to my text messages and claims he "doesn't know how to text". Every time I approached him while he was texting, he stopped abruptly and put his phone away.
2) Not long after that, I noticed that he constantly emailing at work, using a personal email address. My father isn't the email type, and often times, emails I've sent him to his personal email address go unanswered because he never really checked his email too often before.
3) A few months ago, I approached his desk while he was logged into his email account, and he didn't manage to close it fast enough when I got there. I saw the main inbox page and saw that there were many many emails there, all from the same sender. But I didn't see the name.
4) Not long after that, I was helping him with a computer problem he was having at work and his gmail account was minimized on the toolbar. It was an email address I've never seen before and not the email address he uses with us (my mother and I).
5) A female coworker that I had at a another company, who also knows my father, started contacting him often last year, looking for a job after returning to the workforce after a long medical leave. He told me about this often, since this person is sort of a mutual friend (and I use the term "friend" loosely, on my part), and I thought nothing of it.
6) He told me that he visited her in the hospital while she was ill, and I thought, sincerely, "oh that's really nice of you!".
7) A couple of former coworkers that I hold in high esteem told me some bizarre issues and interpersonal relationship problems that this woman was having with them, and in passing, in casual conversation with my father one day, I mentioned this and said how I didn't like her. The purpose of the conversation wasn't to bash her, but we were just shooting the shit and it came up. Since that conversation, my father stopped mentioning her completely.
7) After that, I caught a glimpse of the sender's name in his email inbox while he was scrambling to close it as I approached his desk. It was that woman.
8) He receives phone calls at work from someone who is obviously female (I can hear it in the way he speaks to her), the tone is oddly familiar.
9) I had a chat with my mom yesterday and she mentioned that my father recently went to a funeral of a family member of someone he "used to work with", and then not long after that, he went to a cultural celebration that matches the ethnicity of the woman I suspect he's having relations with. The name of the person involved in these two events that he told my mother, was not her name. It was a name of someone she'd never heard of, and my father is usually pretty open with who his friends are. He didn't invite my mother to attend either of these events with him.
10) My father used to take the train to work and used to come home at the same time every day. Recently, he's started driving to work, and she told me that he leaves at 7:30am and comes home around 7:00pm every night. He usually leaves the office at 5pm, and with traffic, the maximum amount of time it takes him to get home should be half an hour. He claims that he hangs around downtown until rush hour is over so that he can avoid traffic.
11) He recently got a new phone and he has a password on it. Why would he need a password on his phone?! I know lots of people have passwords on their phone, but it's out of character for him.

I don't think that any of these points alone indicate foul play, but all of these combined with what happened years ago, seem to point to a disappointing reality. They're also out of character for my father, who is generally an open person.

I WANT to ignore this. I don't want to be unwittingly dragged into this. I don't want to hear anything about it. I know that my parents' relationship is not my responsibility. But I'm exposed to this every single freaking day and it makes me really angry and makes me want to get to the bottom of it. I've been doing a good job at trying to ignore it to the best of my abilities for almost a year now, but after having spoken to my mother and learning about her own observations has made me feel like I am at a boiling point.

I vented about it to my SO a couple of times over the past year. He is sympathetic and supportive. He suggests that maybe everything just looks sketchy, but isn't. He suggests that maybe he is just providing emotional support to a friend, but isn't actually having any kind of affair with her, and is hiding it because he thinks it won't be acceptable to my mom. I would like to believe this, but I just wish that if that were the case, he would just be honest about it with her.

This is what I tell myself to try to not let myself get affected so much: your parents relationship isn't any of your business. They're adults. Everybody makes mistakes. Maybe you're paranoid because your trust in your father was broken many years ago, and you're jumping to illogical conclusions.

In the meantime, I'm in a state, whether it's right or wrong, where I feel like something needs to be done. My mother doesn't seem overly suspicious, but she makes comments sometimes that lead me to believe that she doesn't trust him 100%. Things like "... that's what he said he did", or "... if that's where he really went" after telling me about something that he said he did. It makes me intensely sad, because my mom is an awesome person and has always been a good partner for him. He keeps her at arm's length about certain things, and I can tell it bothers her, even though she doesn't openly talk about it.

I haven't shared any of my thoughts about this with her because I don't want her to be sad, or to be racked with suspicion and insecurity. But by not telling her, I feel like I'm protecting my father and his shady behaviour. It also makes me feel angry because I feel like he's taking me to be an idiot by exposing me to these things and expecting that I won't wonder what the hell is going on. I wish I could make him know, if he is indeed cheating, that the only reason that he hasn't been caught is because I've been actively avoiding trying this situation. That he hasn't been caught because I haven't tried to catch him.

I'm feeling really emotional right now. I'm an only child and don't have any other family members I can discuss this with. My entire family is my parents and I just want so badly for them to be respectful to each other and to our family dynamic. I feel caught in the middle, and even though they're not intentionally dragging me into it, I can't shake it off. This is stressing me the fuck out.

How the hell do I deal with this? One on hand, I want to turn a blind eye to this. On the other hand, I want to try to find out WTF is happening so that I could tell him to knock it off. If I were to have concrete evidence, I would not tell my mother. But I would tell him that I know, and that he needs to put an end to it. Sometimes I think I want to try to catch him in hopes of finding out that he's not actually doing anything at all so that I can go back to thinking that my father is the awesome person that he's always portrayed himself to be. Should I try to catch him? Should I butt out? How do I butt out when it's always in my face?

Btw, I'm in the process of trying to find a therapist to speak to about this.

Fatal Attraction, how to break free?

Anonymous — Thu, 21 Feb 2013 10:36:46 -0800

I’m Male in my late 20s; I need help figuring out what to do about my relationship, I’ve tried breaking up a few times, but every time I get to it something in my head stops me... What can I do? We’ve been together 3 months. He’s 2 years younger and neither of us has been in a relationship so things have been difficult. I was always very insecure and very overweight with lots of medical issues which meant I’ve never really had a lot of options or the confidence to pursue anything. His story is that he has had a lot of casual sex with strangers (50-100 apparently) including 3 ways and being in videos. He says he had arranged to be in a 7 way and something snapped in his head were he felt used like an object, damaged and couldn’t let anyone touch him for months. He concluded he doesn’t want to be alone and wants to try something with emotions.

The difficulty is that I don’t trust him, we met online, I’ve never met anyone in his life and I don’t think I will, he keeps making excuses/breaking promises and says he is not out to his family. He has met all my friends and some family. After our second date I removed my online profile but about a month in he was still using several, I asked, he said I could trust him and he was just talking to friends. I said he needed to delete them because I wasn’t happy that they clearly had phones to contact them. He turned it around, asked if I thought he was cheating and said he was hurt I didn’t trust him.

Secondly, he was always very secretive with his phone, I could see over his shoulder a lot of messages from unsaved numbers and one day a message came through from a contact saved as “Hot Guy” I got annoyed and he said he didn’t even know who it was that he saved it when in a bar and was just going to delete it that he has a lot of contacts with nicknames like “Cub” and “Guy”. He always hid his phone when showing/looking at things, I noticed for a second once there were sexual pictures in his phone. He said that they were from his past that I couldn’t see them that they would only hurt me that he would delete them. It kind of hurt that he wouldn’t send me any when he has sent them so many times to strangers.

Thirdly, about 2 months in he was googling something and I seen in the history that the last thing he googled was a website where men meet for sex, it’s not even a dating site, the profile pictures are of genitals and there is no socialising only “local cruising spots”. I asked him why he was using them and he said he was only curious and has never met anyone. I asked had he messaged anyone and he said no that it was the same as porn for him. He said he couldn’t cheat on me or do that to me that he would end things first, I asked about splitting up and he said he didn’t want to that he cared for me a lot that we had come too far and would delete all the sites the next day.

So here we are 3 months in, and something was still not sitting right with me. We both got drunk the other weekend and he passed out in bed. I felt really bad and I don’t know why I did, but something made me look through his phone. He had actually messaged someone online a few weeks ago asking them to send pictures to him. And he had saved one of their dirty pictures to his phone about 10 days before that so I knew he must be using it the whole time we were together. In the phone there were lots of pictures he had taken of himself and of other guys, there were also pictures and videos of him having sex unprotected with men, one in his house with a guy he told me was his friends with, and he said he never took anyone home and he said he always used protection! I can’t get the image out of my head, I haven’t been sleeping and I can’t stop thinking about it, the visual is there when I close my eyes, I get this horrible anxious feeling in my gut and I just want to scream. I created false profiles online and find myself constantly checking to see if he is online, any time his phone goes now I feel destroyed…

He doesn’t know that I know because he will go mad that I’ve broken his privacy and I feel bad about it , plus the last time I mentioned the website he made me feel guilty saying that I don’t trust him and I need to get over my trust issues. I know he has deleted them but I keep thinking he has just made new sites with different usernames.

Aside from the difficulty, we’ve been seeing each other several times a week, having lots of fun, he makes me laugh, we have shared interests, he says for him things are so easy and he really likes me, he wanted to be exclusive first. I feel like I can give a lot to help him change and step away from the big casual sex world he has been in for years, that it’s just going to take time, like he can’t help himself. It hurts that we haven’t been properly intimate and that he insists it is okay for him to watch porn even though I’m not comfortable with that. So, I have no actual proof that he has physically met anyone, but he’s so cold and numb with me, do you think someone leading that sort of life can ever change? I want someone who is affectionate and warm and open, he’s not very emotionally supportive or sympathetic with my needs and it seems everything is on his terms.

I can tell he is comfortable with me but I sometimes think he just enjoys the endless affection, praise, compliments and companionship while not really being attracted to me, he has never instigated kissing or seemed overly excited/out of control the way I do. He says his past means he has lost his sex drive and he needs time for us to build up to having sex, we have done a few sexual things, but infrequently and always me kind of forcing it through being really attracted to him and losing it a bit which makes me feel sleazy cause he stops it. He says he just wants to focus on us fopr now, that he loves me and wants to be there for me when my kidneys fail and my health gets bad, so I feel so guilty and any time I have built up the courage to tell him I don’t want to see him anymore he says something loving like this and I can’t go through with it cause he’s he first guy to ever accept all my issues too. But I’m so anxious all the time when I’m not with him about what he may be doing I’m so hurt but I don’t want to be alone… I’m going crazy! Why can’t I do it, why do I keep wanting to forget and think its my doubt and fear of opening up and wait and retry?

TLDR:
Can someone who has only ever really had casual sex and seems to have an addiction to mechanical impersonal gratification, has little friends and no family bonds move away from that and be traditionally romantic and intimate?

Is it wrong to be uncomfortable with your partner looking at porn and have whole image albums of them naked? How do people string people along when you find it so hard to understand?

Can you learn to trust someone who hides things they know will hurt you from their past, show little sign of actively changing but respond to prompts and demands to change and move forward?

How can you break up with someone who doesn’t like weakness, drama and tears when you know it’s the only way you can do it because it’s the way you are?

Thank you guys so much in advance, i've been here a while and your confidence and support is beyond comparrison... sexy_body100@hotmail.co.uk

What to do about cramster.com?

Anonymous — Thu, 07 Feb 2013 14:03:30 -0800

I'm seeking suggestions for dealing with the existence of internet cheating sites that provide answers to university homework problems. I teach a freshman-level engineering class. This week a student emailed me with a link to a page on cramster.com apparently created by someone in my class. (Cramster describes itself as a source of "Textbook Solutions", "Homework Answers", and "Subject Experts"; it is a combination of answer repository and expert network, designed to assist students to cheat.)

The linked page contains an upload of the first homework assignment, along with several anonymously contributed hints and answers, some better than others. I don't know who created the page.

I've already talked to my class about this, telling them that it's not right to upload stuff that I wrote (it's both a copyright violation and a university honor code violation), and asked whoever put it up to remove it. I have also updated the course syllabus to clarify what I consider to be acceptable collaboration. (I encourage people to work together on homeworks, but I don't want them consulting previous year's homework solutions, people who've taken the course before, and certainly not J. Random "Expert" Person on the Internet.)

I understand that sites like this are the future (cramster has raised $millions in VC), and it's pointless to fight the tide. Still, I wonder if there is something else I should be doing. I have designed my class to require the students to think a lot about the problems I assign; having a shortcut to the answer will make the course considerably less meaningful and useful. Colleagues have suggested that I

- request a DMCA takedown of the page
- request the university to track visits to the site
- base the course grade entirely on exams and zero percent on homework
- offer a reward for the identity of the perpetrator and pursue honors charges
- just chill out and let nature take its course
- ???

Have you had to deal with anything like this in your class? Advice and suggestions solicited. Throwaway email: cramster_jerk@yahoo.com.

The Gift of (Irrational) Fear

ichomp — Sun, 27 Jan 2013 00:56:24 -0800

How do you quell irrational fears? And how do you know whether it's irrational or trying to tell you something more? My fears manifest themselves in dreams and conscious thought. Some examples of my fears:

1) Getting into a car crash: One of my recurring dreams is driving a car and it getting out of control in unfamiliar areas. This has never happened.
2) My sister's child will be born with a disorder: Irrational because my sister isn't even pregnant, and I first thought this before she was married.
3) My husband will molest our children: Irrational because I'm not married and don't even have a boyfriend, and I don't plan on having kids. But it is a really nagging fear and I don't know how to quiet it.
4) I will cheat on my spouse: Irrational because I'm single and I suppose, I'm scared of my (future?) spouse cheating on me. I'm really afraid I'll be the one to cheat on them. Even though I feel like I'm "cheating" on my crush when I like someone else, so I don't think I will be the person to cheat on a partner. I am more afraid of my spouse thinking that I guess.
5) Growing old and decaying: Right now, I feel the healthiest I've ever been, and to be vain, the most loved I've ever been. I'm afraid it's a long way down from here. How does it feel to lose youth? I feel it slipping and I'm afraid of being physically old.

Those are my most prominent fears. They are not that irrational now that I look at them, especiall #1 and 5. But #2-4, are irrational and kind of "secret" fears I don't want to discuss with friends. They are nagging and I really want them to go away. Please let me know how to address these fears.

how to explain to a flirty friend about being monogamish?

Anonymous — Thu, 13 Dec 2012 06:47:58 -0800

I didn't cheat on my girlfriend but it might look like I did; I flirted with my friend but I don't want it to be emotional. What to do? Dear AskMe,

I have a weird quandary here regarding cheating (but not really), and I'm not sure how to reslove it properly.

I'm (mid-20s) currently in a committed relationship with a wonderful, sweet, supportive, and very very attractive girlfriend (mid-20s). We're monogamish, as Dan Savage would put it -- we're open to each other sleeping with other people in a non-emotional manner. I'm okay with her sleeping with other girls, and she's also okay with me sleeping with other girls. (And this has worked out totally fine on her end)

She's brought up her okayness at me sleeping with other girls this multiple times, on her own and without any prompting from me. I even once kept on asking - 'are you sure?' and 'I don't know if I'd be interested', but she maintained that she would be okay with it. However, she insisted on one condition: That she would not know that I had slept with another girl.

Her explanation was that, as long as she didn't find out, she wouldn't be jealous. And as long as I kept the physical relationship purely physical and non-emotional, then no real harm would be done to our emotional relationship, and thus it would be okay. (Again, this is totally and absolutely coming from her -- I asked her, 'are you sure?' multiple times, and she was pretty firm. For what it's worth, my conditions are that she tell me with total transparency when she sleeps with other girls, and she's totally fine with that, and I trust her.)

=====

So, last night I had a drink with a female friend who I hadn't seen in a few years. There was a lot of good tension, and a lot of great conversation, and while I definitely am not attracted to this person in an emotional way, I was interested in flirting and perhaps having something physical. However, I really wanted this friend to fully and completely understand the situation as well, and for her to be totally okay with it, before anything happened.

I walked her back to her place last night. At the last moment, I asked if I could come up. She said, after hesitating, "not tonight", because she had to work early tomorrow -- and then she said, "definitely some other time". I gave her a (chaste) hug, and then said goodbye. And then over text message, she reiterated that I should come over some other time by saying that 'she was happy I said what I said'.

The problem is - our conversation over drink was more abstract/professionalish conversation about our interests and our places within our lives. So I didn't really get a chance to talk about my currently relationship with my (wonderful) girlfriend. I know I could have, but the chance didn't appear. I had the idea that I'd go up to her place, after which the charade of flirting would have been a little bit dissipated by the clarity of "yes, come upstairs". Then, I'd explain my current relationship and the situation, and I'd see then if my friend would be comfortable with it at all.

But since I didn't get to go up, now I'm concerned that my friend has the wrong perception of things (and I'm pretty sure she does). She's been texting me once or twice through the day, with more quasi-emotional contents than flirty ones. And since I don't want this to be a romantic thing, I feel horrible and bad. Since I'd rather not have my girlfriend see these texts and misunderstand the whole situation as an emotional cheating situation, I feel like I have to hide my texts, which makes me feel even more horrible.

Above all, I want to be with my girlfriend and be friends with my friend, and if I could zip backwards in time and have not have walked her to her place, then I definitely would have.

Added complication - my friend is traveling for a while, so the soonest I'll see her is probably in mid-January. If she was around then I'd ask to go get coffee or lunch and explain the whole thing in person and apologize for leading her on / misconstruing things. But since she won't be, that's nearly impossible -- unless I see her tomorrow, during the day.

I guess the worst-case scenario would be to wait a long time, have my friend text/contact/email me in a flirty/emotional matter, to have my girlfriend accidentally find the text and to be surprised and hurt, and for me to explain to everyone way later, and to lose a friend and to have a hurt girlfriend.

So I could do a few things -
1) I could talk to my friend in person tomorrow (but I'm about 90% sure she won't be free)
2) I could wait until mid-January and talk to my friend in person.
3) I could send her an explanatory email explaining the whole thing and apologizing, but I don't like the fact that I wouldn't be able to talk back-and-forth with her
4) I could explain the whole situation to my girlfriend, making her slightly jealous, and also talk to my friend. But since my girlfriend had explicitly said not to tell her, I feel as if I should resolve this without involving my girlfriend --- especially since nothing has happened on my part, whether emotionally or physically. And so I feel like my desire to explain the situation is really my desire to relieve myself of feeling horrible, which feels selfish.

At the same time, I wonder if I'm over-reacting. However, I really don't want anyone's feelings to be hurt. What do you think?

TL;DR: I (didn't) cheat on my girlfriend by hitting on my friend, who seems interested in a relationship which I don't want, but I can't talk to her in person for a month and don't want to mislead her on, and don't want to have my girlfriend "find out" and be hurt

I feel like he's making a fool out of me.

Anonymous — Sun, 14 Oct 2012 06:13:04 -0800

I think my boyfriend is hitting on his best friend's (adult) daughter. I am hurt and angry and upset and I don't know what I should do. For simplicity's sake, I will refer to boyfriend as SO, boyfriend's best friend as BF, and boyfriend's best friend's daughter as D.

In case it's relavant, my SO is about 15 years older than me. I'm in my late 20s. We have been together 4 years, but do not cohabitate.

My SO's best friend BF has a daughter D who is a pre-med student at NYU. SO doesn't see BF very often. Recently BF was in town for his D's 21st birthday, and SO used this as an opportunity to hang out with BF for a while. He ended up crashing with BF and D in D's small off-campus apartment for the night.

Next day SO is telling me how he feels he has grown apart from BF a bit (they've been friends since high school). BF's wife passed away last year and BF now has a trashy trophy girlfriend who is very annoying and wasn't much fun to hang out with. SO said that D has turned out to be a pretty cool kid, very smart, pre-med, and he ended up talking with her through most of the evening rather than deal with BF's new trashy girlfriend. SO accidentally left his jacket at D's apartment. This was about 3 weeks ago.

Last night we were out late watching the Yankee game at our favorite bar, and on the train on the way home I saw him texting. He thought I was asleep I guess, but I was reading over his shoulder (yes, quasi snooping I guess, not so great). Turns out he has D's phone number now, and had texted her earlier in the night complaining about how cold he is. My eyesight is pretty good, so I could read most of the conversation. This is what I saw:

SO to D: Damn cold outside, wish I had my jacket.
D to SO: oh dear, I hope you at least have a scarf.
SO to D: Naked through the streets of NYC. Hope u can sleep 2night.
D to SO: drama queen
SO to D: maybe a little bit. stayed out late watching the yankee game. a little drunk.

I don't know if D texted back or not after that. I was furious and upset (and a little drunk). I pulled away from SO and tried to keep from crying. I did not tell him what I'd seen or how I was feeling. SO realized I was awake and started trying to crack jokes and make me smile, but I was really upset. I told him that I was just exhausted - not the best move to lie, I know, but I didn't know how to bring up what I'd just seen since it was quasi-snooping. I went home and spent most of the night crying.

My questions are:

1. I think those texts were kind of flirtatious. I know that the hive mind does not know my SO or D (and I have never met D), but I was just curious to get some outside opinions as to whether the texts were flirtatious or if I am just imagining things.

2. If they do seem flirtatious, what should I do? Do I bring it up with him? How?

3. I am feeling hurt and betrayed right now. I love this man - he makes me laugh and he's changed my life for the good in many ways. Some of my friends expressed reservations when we first started dating because he is so much older than me and not very conventionally attractive - they said I could do better and I was squandering my youth on some guy's mid-life crisis. I ignored those hurtful comments at the time because I find him wildly attractive and charismatic and I didn't think I was his mid-life crisis. I didn't care what it looked like from the outside - just how I felt about him and how he felt about me. Now I feel like the rug has been pulled from beneath me and my friends were right - I've squandered my youth on this older guy and now he's moving on to a girl younger than me and making a fool out of me.

Then again maybe it's just a harmless little crush - I get those sometimes too and they're kind of fun but I don't act on them. And maybe it's not fair to not allow him the same. But I don't send flirtatious texts to my crushes that way - I think that's a line that shouldn't be crossed.

I also am thinking about myself at age 21 (D's age) and how I would feel if my father's best friend started sending me drunk flirty texts - I'd have been grossed out. (I still would be grossed out.) So maybe this will resolve itself soon enough - she'll tell him to back off, or she'll tell her dad and her dad will have it out with SO.

But I don't know what I should do RIGHT NOW, if anything. I'm hurting, my heart is hurting, and I feel like a fool. I suffer from depression and I've fallen into a hole since last night and can't seem to break out of it. I want to know if I am overreacting - am I? - or if this is actually a big enough deal that I should start thinking about DTMFA-ing.

Please help, hive mind. I am crying right now writing this out and I feel out of control and helpless and angry and hurt and I don't know what to do. Any thoughts, advice, kind words, tough love, anything will do. I just need some perspective. Help.

How to quiet the "think about other women" impulse and become faithful in thought as well as action?

Anonymous — Thu, 11 Oct 2012 05:43:35 -0800

How to quiet the "think about other women" impulse and become faithful in thought as well as action? I am happily married, have been in this relationship for over a decade and in the last year became father of a wonderful son. My relationship is fun, exciting and one of the best parts of my life. I'm committed to my family, hoping to expand it in the near future and look forward to growing old with my beautiful wife. Yeah, smug bastard me.

But when I'm not with my partner I find myself flirting with other women. Part of me says that this is no real problem, and that I would never take it further. That's not strictly true - twice whilst very drunk I've kissed other women, which is one of the reasons I quit drinking some time ago. But I still find myself thinking about other women and it's starting to make me uncomfortable. It feels like cheating, and my resolve isn't the strongest. Surely there's only a fine line between entertaining these thoughts and acting on them?

Case in point, last night I went to see a band. My wife stayed home, she wasn't keen to take the trip into the city so I went on my own. While I was there a beautiful girl started talking to me, and after a while it was clear she was coming on to me. I was (I hope) the perfect gentleman, didn't lead her on, refused offers of drinks, kept things friendly and made a point of gently showing my wedding ring so as not to give her the wrong idea. She mentioned she'd recently split up with her boyfriend so the last thing I wanted to be was blunt and hurt her feelings.

At the end of the night I said goodbye and went home with a smile on my face, feeling flattered by the attention, and that's obviously where it should end. So why have I spent the next day thinking about her and wondering if life would've been more fun if I'd just gone with my urges?

Of course it would've been the wrong thing to cheat on my wonderful wife and family. Of course it would've been a completely selfish action. And that is why I didn't do it - because my circumstances meant I couldn't, not because I didn't want to.

How do I get to a place where I don't want to?

I hope I don't objectify women, I don't believe I do. Women do fascinate me, and I have a great deal of respect for them. That said, when I'm out on my own my default mode seems to be "look for attractive, fascinating women". I guess that's fairly typical, but as soon as I find someone interesting I'm launching into flirt mode which is just sleazy and horrible. I've never had an extended period of single life, never slept around or dated a lot of people, and maybe that's the root of this, that curiosity about what other relationships would be like. I guess I'm quite superficial and egotistical as I do enjoy the thought of someone finding me attractive, but on reflection that seems selfish - not just to my wife, but that it's got to the point where I'm using flirtatious behaviour in a way which leads people on.

Sure, I'm overthinking this... but that's the problem! Argh! I want to STOP thinking about it, to put it away and be the committed husband and father my family deserves. Like I say, nothing wrong with being flattered from time to time. Plenty wrong with finding myself there last night calculating just how far I could let it go before I'd have to stop it. Just glad I had the wit not to let it get that far, and I'm pretty disgusted with myself that it almost did - hence the ask.

Need advice on second-chance relationship that is failing miserably.

spooky car — Wed, 26 Sep 2012 06:58:48 -0800

I gave a guy a second chance, but found out later that he had been extremely shady with me the first time around (details inside). I don't know how to get over it. Should I leave the past in the past and focus on us growing together or should I chalk it up to bad judgement/being too trusting on my part and leave the relationship? The explanation is pretty long. Thanks for taking the time to read. I need advice. I am currently dating someone for the second time around. The first time around, we dated for about a year. During that time, he was hot and cold. He would seem interested and then distant. We fought a lot. I eventually left the relationship because I couldn't take the ups and downs and I was feeling rejected. That year had been very traumatic for him - several friends of his had passed away, so I thought that was the reason for his actions. Even if it was, he just wasn't emotionally available to be my boyfriend. It was a painful time for both of us.

A year later we got in touch. He was sorry for everything he had put me through and wanted to give it another chance. He had realized that he had a lot of issues and had been trying to address them by going to therapy and working on himself. He seemed to have a real understanding of why I had felt so rejected by him before and he had a lot more insight into his own behavior. He seemed to have the desire to change - and he seemed like he had changed a lot. He said he realized he lost the love of his life after I left and it caused him to snap back to reality and take control of his life to make it better.

So I gave him another chance. 7 months into it, it was going really well. We just moved in together. A few weeks after moving in together, I discovered that when we had dated the first time around, I wasn't the only person he was with. I was under the impression that we were exclusive even though we had a lot of problems, but he was chasing other girls the whole time we were together, having sex with them, unbeknownst to me. He also had sex with prostitutes. He seemed very predatory about it.

This shows me a complete disregard to me and my health. It brought back all the memories I had of our time together in the past. The grief I felt when I asked him to do things and he said he was working late - or came up with another excuse. He was out with other women. I knew he had made me feel insecure then, but I had absolutely no idea he was capable of the things he did. Should I also add that he was in his late 30s when this happened?

He admitted everything after I confronted him. He was embarrassed and sorry. He said that he didn't want to tell me about all that because he wanted us to have a fresh start. I, on the other hand, feel that he should have been honest with me so I knew what I was getting into. I feel that he should have wanted to be honest with me now because he was trying to better himself.

After finding out about his past, I asked him if he had been tested for STDs. He said he had "awhile ago". I took that as meaning that he had since I found out about all the cheating he did. Turns out that he DIDN'T get tested after all his random sex. He was referring to a time way before that when he said he got tested "awhile ago". Why would he think I was asking if he has ever been tested in his life after I found out he was having sex with a bunch of women and prostitutes while he was having sex with me? Can someone really be this dense?

All in all, he didn't come clean to me when he asked for another chance. How do I know if he's telling me the truth about what he does now? If he had come clean to me, it still would have been a great shock, but I think it would have shown that he was in no way trying to repeat his past. The fact that he didn't tell me is disrespectful and shady. He was vague about STD testing.

The only reason I haven't walked away is that he has shown me in every other way that he wants to be with me and he has shown me that he's changed from how he had acted in the past. Am I a fool for even considering this?

Another part of me only wants to stay with him and make him feel terrible because he's made me feel terrible. I know that it's not healthy. But I'm so angry at him about all of this that I want to wake him up by punching him in the face every day.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Desperately seeking stability

six sided sock — Sat, 22 Sep 2012 07:30:24 -0800

How do I get a handle on what I've uncovered in therapy outside the therapist's office whilst my therapist is unavailable for a few weeks? I'm currently in therapy after cheating on my wife of 10 years. I nearly had a one-night stand with a friend, and although I stopped before we'd got further than the clothes off stage, it's still infidelity and it still very nearly torpedoed my marriage.

We have been going to couples therapy and recently wrapped up things there after six weeks of seeing the therapist (she felt that we could achieve more outside her office than inside it).

As part of the therapy, our therapist recommended that I get individual therapy to help me deal with what I'd done, since it was massively out of character for me (this is the first time in 16 years of being with my wife that I've ever been unfaithful). I knew that things had been bad for a while before I cheated - I'd been trying to get us into couples therapy for over a year before this but she'd always refused because she doesn't think therapy is effective. My wife has also stated that she thinks personal therapy might help her, but that she's not going to go to a therapist until I've resolved my issues, because she doesn't see the point (she thinks there's a strong chance I'll walk out on her, and thinks therapy before that is a waste of money).

I've been seeing my therapist for four weeks now, and it's clear that we have a good working relationship. However, some of the things I've uncovered in therapy are worrying me, and I'm struggling to deal with them. My therapist is now away for a few weeks for personal reasons (a family emergency in another country, FWIW), and I'm confused as to how to deal with the stuff that came up most recently, including:

- About 8 years ago, my wife and I went through a rough patch. Although I'd remembered that, what I'd forgotten was that during that time she took to pushing or hitting me. She once grabbed my face after a fight over parking the car and left finger-shaped bruises. I found this when I went back through old online journal entries, and had completely forgotten it until then.
- My therapist observed that I've basically been a caretaker to my wife for the last 10 years or so: On a practical level I do all the cooking, most of the cleaning, make her lunch for work, make sure she gets up on time and so on. On an emotional level, I've spent the last 10 years apologising for everything in arguments, even if I didn't think it was my fault, because it was the only way to solve the argument.
- My therapist said that it sounded like my wife was exhibiting controlling behaviours, such as:
- Stonewalling me during fights
- Threatening to leave and then not leaving
- Walking out of the house late at night in winter (we live in the countryside) and leaving her phone, keys and coat. If I didn't try to follow her, she would accuse me of not caring about her, and would repeatedly assert that I wanted her to be raped or murdered.

These are all pretty nasty things to be remembering, and I can't reconcile them with the woman I know and love. She hasn't exhibited most of these behaviours for several years (though some, such as threatening to leave and stonewalling she still does reasonably regularly), so it feels a little unfair to judge her on any of it. Should I just be judging her on the way she behaves from here on in?

I'm also struggling to deal with the level of hatred and anger coming from my wife about the woman with whom I cheated. Although I have cut off contact with her, and I'm not going to contact her again under any circumstances, I'm finding it hard to handle my wife continually calling her a whore, or a slut, or saying that she hopes she gets cancer and dies alone. I know that my wife is entitled to feel these things, and I don't really have any reason to complain - after all I caused those feelings - but as I'm the only one to whom she's saying them, hearing them daily is starting to wear on me. Walking away just causes a larger row.

To make it absolutely clear: I do love my wife, and though I'm finding things hard at the moment and occasionally wondering whether it's time to call an end to things, I don't want to give up without fighting damn hard first. I'm fighting a low-level depression (without meds, though that may change if things get worse) and have had a couple of episodes of intrusive suicidal thoughts during arguments with my wife (my counsellor and I agree that this is more my brain offering me an escape route, albeit an extreme one, rather than an actual desire to end it all).

Can anyone suggest coping strategies to deal with everything that's going on to avoid it overloading me over the next few weeks?

Should I cool it with my long distance friend until he leaves his girlfriend?

Anonymous — Mon, 17 Sep 2012 07:03:51 -0800

Divorce from abusive ex almost final, unexpectedly slept with a friend. We have loads in common but he's not (yet?) available. Cool it, or enjoy? I've been separated from my abusive husband of nearly 10 years for over 9 months. Recently I spent some time with a male ex-coworker and ended up sleeping with him. We've known each other for years but have never been remotely more than friends: for my part, I know it didn't cross my mind as we both had partners.

My separation involved me moving away for some time. My then coworker unexpectedly reached out to me during that time and confided in me some disturbing details about his relationship, which had some remarkable similarities to the one I'd just got out of (his partner is also abusive). I was happy to offer support (and yes, flattered and happy that he trusted me) but I was deep in the throes of heartbreak and thought nothing of it beyond genuine concern for a friend.

I discussed our friendship with my therapist who alerted me to the danger of transferring my codependency from my husband to my friend in distress, and I was very conscious of enforcing boundaries and not getting too emotionally caught up in my friend's problems.

After several months, I returned to my home city and usual workplace, but as it turned out at that exact time my coworker took a job on the other side of the country, so we no longer work together.

When I got back to work, I was conscious of missing him - as a friend - but we have stayed in contact online. He came back to my city for brief visits a couple of times in the last few months, to finalize his move, and on both occasions we saw each other, but as the result of a group invitation to a number of his old friends. As it happened, one of those times we ended up dining alone, but there was nothing non-platonic about it.

Recently, he was back in town once more, and once more I saw him, with a number of other friends. This time, he seemed to pay me special attention and we wound up deep in conversation and drifting away from the group. He shared even more information about his current relationship and I was shocked and dismayed to find out that the abuse he was being subjected to was in some ways worse than what I had experienced.

At some point in the evening, I wrapped him in my arms and we just held each other. It felt really right, but I had only intended the hug as a friendly hug of support. And then he kissed me.

We looked at each other and there was this feeling of electricity. I can't remember exactly what happened next, but there seemed to be no doubt for either of us than that we needed more privacy. So we quietly, mutually, agreed to go back to his hotel together.

We had a wonderful night, staying up all night talking. And making out. And making love. But mostly, hugging and talking. It felt sooo good to feel safe enough to be intimate again.

I had not felt ready to date again AT ALL - in fact, I almost kind of hoped that my romantic life was over. My lack of sexual/romantic feelings in general were making me sort of uneasy - worried about what would happen if they ever came back. But with my friend it felt so natural, because I do really trust him. So it was a huge comfort and a huge relief. We agreed that whatever else happened, we'd stay close friends and not have any other expectations.

He left for his new home city very early the next morning.

Since then, we've been in touch a little by phone and quite a bit by text/IM. I get a real thrill every time I hear from him and I miss him and worry when time goes by when I don't hear.

Given that he's still living with his abusive gf, and additionally is thousands of miles away ... I'm thinking that this crushy kind of thing I'm feeling is probably not appropriate. Even if I am "ready" for a new relationship - he's clearly not. It may be that he is just trying to find a way out of his existing relationship - since our night I've deliberately avoided bringing it up - but even then, even if he got out right now, I guess he'll still have some serious healing to do and it probably wouldn't be smart of me to expect anything whatsoever from him.

So, I think I should probably just reduce contact and try to distract myself. BUT ... it's so nice to feel this way. I know that some of it is just me being flattered - he really knows me, and he really likes me! and some of it is distraction from the pain of my divorce - but on the other hand, it's kind of a like a door was finally opened, or a switch flicked ...

I never seriously ever thought of other men while I was married, so even though this friend was right there in front of me, I never looked at him in that way, but I always really really enjoyed his company. I remember feeling disappointed on the days he wasn't in the office, and happy whenever i got to sit close to him and talk. He's incredibly intelligent, creative and passionate - but also sensitive and kind. We have an enormous amount in common - similar views on religion, politics, family, food, music ...

I want to do the thing that will be least hurtful for everyone involved, and my brain tells me that's to back off. But my heart wonders "what if?" .. what if this is just the wrong way to meet the right person?

We've both been pretty open and honest about our feelings of excitement and confusion and I think we're both committed to trying to maintain the friendship. As a friend - I wanted him to tell me all about what was going on in his relationship - but now - I feel - more worried, a bit jealous, guilty ...when he tells me details of his personal life. I've suggested to him that it would be better for him to talk to someone other than me about that, and he's indicated he's both looking for a more neutral friend to confide in, and seeking therapeutic help.

What should I do? I guess if it's meant to be, it will be ...

I didn't cheat. SO thinks I did. What happens now?

Anonymous — Thu, 13 Sep 2012 06:21:15 -0800

A few days ago, I came back from a week of vacation. Despite my calm and honest reassurance, my SO is wondering and worrying that I cheated.We've already talked, but she's still very anxious about it. This is the first time I've ever dealt with this kind of situation. MeFi, what else should I/we be doing or talking about? Did I do something wrong, and if so, what should I do differently in the future? I feel terrible, even though I didn't do anything to cheat at all. I am male, 25, and she is 18. We've been seeing each other for two months exclusively and it's been amazing. We had planned to go together, but I ended up going solo due to various reasons. Before going on the 9 hour drive to stay at my friends' house to help out with their wedding, I had told my SO that contact would be sparse, because phone and internet access would be limited. We managed to exchange a few messages during the week.

The first thing I do upon returning is stay the night out at her place; I shared pictures and detailed accounts from the vacation, including my first visit to a strip club, with the bride-to-be and her friends and how unimpressed I was. She shares how stressful her week had been, and we enjoy each others company.

Today, my SO texts that she has barely slept at all because I might have cheated and said it would be OK if I admitted to anything, and that I had been awkward, over-excited when we talked. SO goes on to say that there are so many pictures added to my Facebook (by other people) that have the same girl (married girl in the wedding party) posing next to me, and another one hugging or dancing next to me at the reception (not risque at all).

I texted from work, and called back to explain how I knew everyone- my visits there are once a year, and reminded her that I hadn't slept all night before coming home due to partying and babysitting partiers. I have been politely adamant that nothing at all happened that would be cheating- nothing physical or emotional.

tl;dr Danced and partied with co-ed wedding party, went to strip club, girlfriend suspects I cheated even though I didn't.

Don't want drama but don't want other girls being lied to

Anonymous — Mon, 27 Aug 2012 07:24:36 -0800

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of three and a half years. In the time we were still living together but broken up I found out he was starting several relationships. Should I let these women know? We broke up after pretty six months. He seemed to be depressed for several months and it caused major problems in our relationship. I tried to work on things for several months with the help of a counselor but little help from him.

After we’d broken up, I saw an email account up on his work computer that wasn’t the one that he used with me. So I started looking. I know I shouldn’t have, but I found he’d started some things with about five different women during our troubled times.

I’m kind of upset he seemed to be lining up other girls during the time we were still going out, but it explains some things. I had my suspicions that something was up before we had broken up because of noticing a sudden increase in texts on our phone. I think he was having an emotional affair if not a physical one at that point.

Anyway, it’s clear from email that some things are developing into a relationship with at least three people. I emailed myself some of the more incriminating stuff.

ne woman is local and it sounds like they’ll soon be dating. One I found a flight to visit her. (Sidenote he told me he’d be hiking, and I’m what is now his dog). One is practically begging him to come visit.

As far as I can tell none of these women know about the other.

I feel I have been lied to for the past four months. All of these ladies seem really sweet and like people I’d potentially like to know. And some have really laid out that they are vulnerable at the moment or inexperienced in relationship. Anyway, if I were in their shoes, I’d like to know before things got anymore serious. But I’m conflicted because I don’t know any of them and really it’s none of my business.

I’m incredibly happy to have broken up with him, especially if this is how he treats myself and others.

So should I tell him I know? Should I let the the other women know? And if so, how should I go about it? Should I still watch the dog I love to bits?

Love isn't just a four letter word

Anonymous — Fri, 13 Jul 2012 18:38:11 -0800

A male married friend recently told me he loved me. A few weeks later he told me again I’m also in a relationship but not married. (I'm a 28 year old straight women, he's in his mid-30's)

Both times this happened was after we’d been out late with a group of friends and we were saying our goodbyes. However, both times felt somewhat intimate. Neither of our respective S/O’s were around at the moment the “I love you” came out (while we were hugging goodbye.) The second time I told him I loved him too. It was totally sweet, nothing else happened at all… and I’m feeling guilty.

Both our partners are awesome people, and we’re all good friends.

He and I have become closer friends lately, and I believe there is some mutual attraction. I’m OK with that - I fall in the camp of "It's OK to be a little flirty and have crushes sometimes but I would never consider cheating on my boyfriend," but I wonder if saying “I love you,” like this is crossing a boundary.

I have other friends that I say “I love you” to. Yes, many of these friends are girlfriends, but I’ve told other male friends I love them in a platonic way (that felt totally platonic.)

This is the first time it’s made me feel like “whoa, did he mean it like LOVE love?” And that maybe saying I love you to married male friends is not such a great idea.

I'll admit it- it felt good to know he said that- I mean, it's great to know that you are loved! But, this is new territory for me. (Or maybe I'm just making it too big of a thing.)

If you’re married or in a relationship, would you tell still tell your friends (of the gender that you’re attracted to) that you love them? Would this be OK with your partner? I’m confused. Love is a big word. How do you use it?

Are massage parlors cheating?

momtothreedc — Wed, 13 Jun 2012 11:03:55 -0800

What do I do with a husband who has been getting handjobs @ massage parlors...help! I need some advice. Married to DH for 7 yrs with 3dc. I recently discovered he has visited "erotic massage parlors" twice in recent months to get a massage (and handjob), and he also admitted to doing it once before we had kids but after we were married. When we were dating he cheated on me 1x after being together 6mos and told me right away. I was devestated afterwards but loved him so much that I wanted to make things work and he wanted to as well. Our relationship improved and we married. I found out about the massage parlors by snooping- he did NOT come clean until I pressured him a great deal and even then I don't think he was honest about the details.
We were having sex- one visit was even the same day we had had sex so not like there was a legititmate "reason" for him to seek satisfaction elsewhere.

He says of course that this will never happen again, that in his mind he didn't realize he was crossing a line. etc. My issue is that 1) I don't feel it is logical for me to believe him, and also seems logical that if I know about these events there could be more I don't know, AND 2) I don't know that I even have it in me to forgive him and trust him again. I just feel like I am done even though it is awful to separate/divorce and not something I ever wanted.

Any advice? I am so torn. I want to be a good person and do the right thing here but I don't want to be a fool either...

What is wrong with us?

i_wear_boots — Sun, 27 May 2012 15:08:03 -0800

Help me understand what goes through a persons mind when they decide it is okay to lie or lie by omission. What is wrong with us? Some background: My partner and I have been together a little over a year and a half. We do not live together and my partner is going through a divorce that is amicable that involves children. I've felt our relationship to be stable with average misunderstandings and my partner has expressed feeling we always fight and in some areas not compatible. In spite of this, we feel deeply in love with each other.

My partner requested to have some alone time over a weekend on days we normally would see each other. We don't live together and see each other half of the weekend and 1 or 2 evenings during the week. My partner has a lot of stress with work, kids and a divorce going on, so I obliged but unwillingly. I sent an email to my partner to not call me until ready to see me and talk. So, 5 days went by until I got a call. I expressed how upset and angry I was and we decided to see each other over the weekend and talk. By the time my partner got to my house because of a previous commitment, it was late and I didn't have the energy to talk extensively about how the alone time episode made me feel, but I did express my insecurities about what alone time means to me and how it happened to be when past partners cheated on me. My concern being; what could a partner do that they could not do in my presence. We resolved the alone time issue by my partner reassuring me that it was just about not wanting to have any responsibility for anything, doing things around the house and watching marathon movies. My partner acknowledged them in a comforting and assuring way and I felt it was resolved.

When cleaning my partner's place a few days later, I found a receipt for an expensive dinner he went to at night in the next county over on a weekend my partner needed alone time without me. Things were going really well and this made me feel lied to and betrayed and I also felt that I had done something terribly wrong that made my partner lie to me and feel unable to share this information with me. It brought about a lot of insecurities and thinking of reasons why my partner said they could not afford to take me out to dinner or how many other times this has happened and I never even suspected it. I confronted my partner about it in a calm way, I knew there had to be an explanation for this. Something similar had happened several months back when I found a recently written love note from a past partner that was a keepsake and ended up being no big deal once we talked about it. Once confronted, my partner held hands to the head and needed to leave for a few minutes because of the stress. Upon returning we talked and the explanation was my partner had gotten a call from a friend he had not seen in a long time and thought it would be nice to take his friend and daughter to dinner. At that point I knew who it was; a person my partner once had a long distance friendship with and slept with on several occasions. I knew of the person, but thought they were no longer in contact since our relationship felt so serious. My partner feels they could not say it to me because I'd be upset and has been trying to mitigate things in our relationship. I am so confused and hurt. I am deeply saddened and trying to be cool about it because I am not planning on ending our relationship because of this. I don't feel I can talk about with any of my friends or family because I know what they'll say.

Help me understand what goes through a persons mind when they decide it is okay to lie or lie by omission. We are in love, but how does this fit into an equation of a loving committed couple? What insight can you give me into this sort of dynamic? What do you think is wrong with us?

How to Handle the Hormones

Anonymous — Wed, 16 May 2012 09:56:28 -0800

Emotional cheating vs. Real Life cheating (with prostitutes!) or how to handle hormones... I am a dude, 30, heterosexual. I've been dating an amazing woman for almost 8 months. She's everything to me, funny, brilliant, sexy and awesome. It's the best relationship I've ever had, and I've never been happier.

Unfortunately, for work I have to leave my home, and live alone in a country where prostitution is legal. For two months. Girlfriend is back in the states--we've emailed or called nearly every day. Things are good, and we're communicating well--and although we miss each other a lot, we're doing a lot to stay in contact.

HOWEVER, I've been spending a lot of time fantasizing about having sex with a prostitute. Manual stimulation doesn't seem to cut it anymore, and I've spent hours planning and researching. Even walking by the brothel gives me a huge thrill. I keep thinking that I could just go and have safe covered sex and not tell my girlfriend. There'd be no way that she'd ever know, and it'd satisfy this fantasy.

I know that this emotional cheating. And I'm a shitty person and boyfriend for it even THINKING about it, not to mention the obviously fuckup-ness of prostitution and sex-slave trafficking.

Here's where my head is: Part of me thinks that I should break up with her because I've got these weird feelings. I don't think that I could talk to her about being poly/non-monogamous, because I don't think she'd be into it, and also I don't think i could handle it, etc ---that's like opening a whole other can of worms.

I don't really think breakup is the right solution. She is so awesome, caring and loving, and she and I both feel like we've met someone really special. I care so much about her and I think we would both be devastated if I broke things off abruptly. And it seems stupid to break up for a month just so I can get my rocks off. Everything in the relationship has been really good--we have great sex, have tons of fun together, and make each other laugh. I don't really want to break up with her over this issue, especially since I will be coming back in a month. I just want to get laid--to fulfill a fantasy. I do not want to start a different relationship. I certainly don't want to date the prostitutes.

But I am really struggling to last the month--and I'm pretty sure that this fantasy won't go away even once I get back home. So, to avoid harming her/hurting feelings, I should probably stop dating her...which means that I should just give up on the idea of being in a committed relationship?

I've even thought about the skyping my girlfriend, doing some kind of cybersex thing, where she role-plays a prostitute...but...i don't think that it will help. I mean, even the idea of talking to her about my feelings...I think will end up doing the relationship more harm than good. I mean, imagine: "hey, i've been thinking about having sex with prostitutes all the time, but I also really miss you!"--sounds like a recipe for a major relationship turmoil.

Part of me thinks that I should just go and get it out of my system, and as long as I am very conscientious regarding my condom use, it will be fine because the women at the brothel are visited regularly by a doctor (see--I even did research).

I'm sure that there are a million terrible ideas to this (an still-obvious STD danger, not being honest to a partner, and then having to live with the horrible guilt of it).

I guess what I'm really asking Mefi, what is the appropriate way to handle my hormones or this fantasy?

Kissed, haven't told yet.

Anonymous — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 08:55:43 -0800

Kissed a man who is not my man. What now? I'm in a relationship of almost 3 years with a wonderful man that I love dearly. In a moment of idiocy, tipsiness, selfishness, and lack of self-control, I kissed another man I had just met with whom I had gone out drinking (we were the last of a group of friends to leave, and things...boiled over.) I've never cheated on a partner before, and I'm a bit shell-shocked and feel like it hasn't really sunk in that this happened. I've woken up in a total panic after even having DREAMS about cheating on my boyfriend. I have absolutely no idea how to handle this.

Why did I do it? Well, there are no good reasons, but for the sake of explanation: I was attracted to the other man, and was really enjoying the attention and feeling of being desired. Having been a little drunk, I didn't control those impulses appropriately. HOWEVER, this seems a little different, because I've been attracted to other men before and not cheated, so it seems like something has changed with me. I've noticed that I've been having mini-fantasies about being with other men (sexually, but not emotionally) over the past few months, and though I never expected that I'd act on those feelings, I've definitely found it appealing in theory. I've never been in a relationship longer than one year prior to this one, so I've never reached the stage before where you realize that while you love your partner and feel grateful and lucky to have the amazing relationship you have, you're still attracted to other people and will miss the excitement of kissing someone for the first time. I've also recently realized that I really do want to be with my boyfriend for the rest of our lives, and the lifetime monogamy worries have kicked in a bit. (I will be speaking to a therapist about this in short order, and if I tell my bf, I will also make an appointment with a couples' counselor.)

I want to do the right thing by my boyfriend (obviously, I haven't succeeded, but going forward...) He's the best man I've ever known, I love and respect him more than anything, and I don't want to lose him. I also want to cause him as little pain as possible in the long run. I'm leaning toward telling him, because we're extremely emotionally connected, and I can't bear the thought of being dishonest with him. I did consider not telling him in order to spare him the hurt, but if a question ever came up about infidelities, I would not be willing or able to lie to his face. I will do whatever it takes to work our relationship through this in the healthiest way possible.

*Of note - my boyfriend and I have casually talked about the concept of occasional non-exclusivity and weren't entirely opposed to it. But since we never made any decisions on it and haven't made any type of agreement, I would still obviously classify any non-exclusivity as cheating. He has had this sort of thing happen to him in past relationships and it did not lead to his breaking off the relationship because of it (but of course, I would respect and abide by any decision he makes in this situation.) He tends to be very calm, positive, and even-keeled in temperament.

Have you ever been on either side of this situation? What did you do? If not, what would you do? What would you want your partner to do? Anonymous email: kissedhaventtold@gmail.com