Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with cheating

GuiltyConsciousFilter: Please help me fix what I have broken.

Anonymous — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 13:48:16 -0800

I made a terrible, terrible mistake. I betrayed the one I love the most. Please help me sort out the never-ending chess match for redemption in my head. Long explanation can be found inside. I have been struggling over the past few months to cope with my horrible acts. I have been dating a wonderful girl for over a year now, but early on in our relationship (probably about 2 months in) I cheated on her with my ex. Several times. I refuse to make any excuses, and I take full blame for my sin. It was my decision alone and no set of circumstances can change that. That being said, I also cannot change that fact that it has happened. Regardless, I am having trouble deciding how to proceed to right my wrong deeds.

I have been overcome with an intense guilt for half a year now, and it has not subsided to this point. My wrongdoing only showed just how important my girlfriend is to me, and I have been taking every step necessary to make sure it never happens again. I have cut off ALL ties with my ex, and I have been trying to move forward. I have learned so much from my guilt and it has given me an ironclad mindset to make sure that this will NEVER happen again. I am trying my best to use this to make me a better person. But I cant seem to shake the feeling that this might not be enough. Logically speaking, I have three courses of action I can take at this point. I need help from an objective viewpoint to see if my logic is flawed or if I am doing the right thing.

1. Don't say a thing to her and try to put the past behind me:
I have reflected deeply on this and I have decided that my main goal is to ensure that my girlfriend does not punished for MY decisions. I don't need to save face. She is my main concern. If I can overcome my negative feelings, then I can use this as a tool to make this relationship the best it can be. If I tell her, it does NOT change the fact that it happened. I will still have a stinging guilt either way, and it may be amplified if I bring her in my web of mistakes. As they say, "What you don't know will not hurt you". I can't stand the thought of deceiving her, though. Some lies may be justified if they are used with decent intentions. For example, if someone is overweight and they ask if they are fat, most people will say no to spare their feelings. I know that this is obviously somewhat of a different case, but is it possible that the lies can be justified if they are used to spare her? I truly do not believe that she will break up with me if she finds out. Regardless of my confession, our relationship we will still attempt to stay together (but the road will be harder). If that is the case, then what is the point of saying anything? Isn't selfish to come clean when it really only benefits me (or so it would seem)? From what I can see, the only thing it will change is her self-esteem and paranoia. This is the one I am leaning towards as of right now.

Tell her: I know that this is the "right" thing to do, but I fail to see what makes this the honorable choice. I am essentially pulling her into the flames. Yes, she does deserve to know, but I feel like it is almost more brutal if I have the ability to save her from the voices in her head but opt to cleanse my conscious instead. Not to mention that, but it will also affect her family as well. She is also the type of person to take this sort of thing VERY personally. She will blame everything on herself, and I feel like I won't be able to convince her that it is MY fault, not hers.

Break-up: This choice is probably the best in terms of healing, but it will still have a devastating effect on her. The only thing I want more than to keep our relationship is to ensure that her confidence is preserved. I have considered making up a different logical reason to end the relationship so that we can both start from scratch. It comes down to whether finding out she has been cheated on is worse than parting ways for ANY other reason.

Obviously, it is my fault that I am in this mess. I have been punishing myself day in and day out, and hell, I deserve it. But I just want to find the best way out for HER. Please help me decide.

Is cheating "cheating" in Clue?

schyler523 — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 16:00:00 -0800

Is it cheating to look at other people's cards or list in the game of Clue? Help settle a small domestic squabble. Mrs. Schyler523 believes that being a good detective in the game of clue means that not only is it "OK" to look at the cards and lists of your opponents, but it is encouraged. I feel that this is cheating and the game should be won through logic and not trickery.

I expect that there will be a similar split in the beliefs of Mefites. I am looking for the best explanation either way as to why it is or is not cheating. Thank you.

Can I learn to trust him? Is there any way to just kick him to the curb?

Anonymous — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 11:01:55 -0800

It hurts to stay and it is too hard to leave... Disclaimer: I know that spying on a loved one is wrong. I know it makes me a horrible person. Please, don't critique my choice to look into my suspicions.

My boyfriend and I, both early to mid 20s and in some form of college, have been together for the better part of 6 years. He is not my first or my only serious relationship, but my for a while I thought he was defiantly marriage material.

About 3 months ago I was contacted by a mutual friend who said he was breaking up with his girlfriend because she had been cheating on him with my boyfriend. He told me I should check his phone if I didn't believe him. I did so, and found some steamy texts exchanged which my boyfriend admitted to and swore he would never do again. I forgave him.

Two days later I got on his computer. He, for the first time ever, left his account logged in and his email open. The word "horny" in the open email caught my eye. I was about to go away for the weekend and he had told his best friend (female, in a different state) about it and mentioned that they could chat on webcam, but only if she was horny. He told me that he didn't mean to put the word horny. He claimed he was upset and it was a subconsciously added. He said that sometimes chatting with someone you can see can help, plus she's married, so I really had no idea on how to handle it besides believe him.

Now he hides everything from me. Hides conversations, deletes browser history, hides windows, deletes emails/texts/phone calls. Meanwhile he's constantly checking my browser history and listening in to every conversation I have. Mutual friend contacted me again and tipped me off to the fact that there might be other girls. An accident led me to figuring out his facebook password (like I said, don't judge me). On there I found a conversation he was having at work with a girl I've never heard of before. There was a lot of I <3 yous and I miss yous exchanged. I'm not sure how to take that. Our sex life sucks (the only sexual attention I get is butt/boob grabing that's, from the level of don't do that and then doing it anyway that is happening, is probably sexual abuse) and all it seems we do is argue anymore.

All the advice I've gotten up to now says dump him, that he's just finding a new girl before dumping me. And believe me, I've tried dumping him, but I always come back. I really want to think that everything since the first incident has just been a fluke. Also, I have another year an a half on my lease with him. I have no family in the area and no friends who can house me without payment, yet I can't afford two leases. It's a small one bedroom so renting out my half the lease isn't an option. He's also been in financial trouble recently, so nearly all of my money is in a joint bank account for his free spending. Financially it feels like I can't leave him. I would rather fix this relationship anyway. He was a great person before all of this (and most of the time even now), and even through it I feel know that he genuinely cares about me sometimes. It doesn't feel like I can fix it, though. Suggestions?

Have more questions? Is my boyfriend cheating on me with you? Story sound familiar and don't want to talk about it with everyone else? Insider information on how to get out of my lease? I can be contacted at helplessorhomeless@gmail.com

Letting go now, this moment.

Anonymous — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 10:28:01 -0800

Please help me stop cheating before I get married (in a few months). I don't want to hurt either of them. Deep breath. Okay. Let's assume:
1. We are having a separate discussion about telling/not telling my fiance about an affair I have had.
2. We are having a separate discussion about the ethics and definitions of cheating/monogamy.
3. I am in love with my fiance, right person for me, and want to make this work, wedding, forever, amen, etc.

Enter friend and long time crush, who happen to be the same person, and not fiance. Enter cold feet about marriage, booze, pot (not excuses at all, just describing what happened). The most mind blowing make-out sessions I know of follow. It is not limited to a physical attraction, since I dearly care about this person outside of that.

I need to stop. I am not saying we need to stop, because I am only in control of my own actions here. Additionally, I need to stop my cheating ways (cheated on ex before, too).

How do I increase self-control?

How does anyone get over someone without lots and lots of time?

How do I let go of something so intense?

Is there any help I can provide my, ummm, friend going through the same letting go process?

Is it cheating?

Anonymous — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 12:19:18 -0800

I'm not sure if I've been cheated on, and I don't know how to feel. What should I do? My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We've been talking quite a lot about the future. He'll be moving in with me when he finishes up school. (I've already graduated.) I was basically under the assumption we were going to get married and live happily ever after.

Tonight he calls me and tells me about a party he went to last night. My 2 best friends from college, a couple with whom the boy and I went on many a double date, hosted a party at their apartment. Long story short, the boyfriend got completely smashed, blacked out, and this morning woke up naked next to the couple, who were also naked. He said the other guy said that nothing happened. I haven't been able to get a hold of my two friends yet to ask what happened.

But I can't help but feel a little betrayed. (Or maybe jealous? I'm so confused.) At first I was just stunned and emotionless, but as the evening has progressed, I've been feeling more and more upset. I can't really articulate my emotions beyond that.

I guess I just don't know if it constitutes cheating or not, and if it does...well what am I supposed to do?

Throwaway mail: leftoutofathreesome@gmail.com

Why am I suddenly having these dreams?

kleenkat — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 18:31:39 -0800

Why have I suddenly started to dream about other women? Here is some background info... I am not married but in a long term relationship with another woman for about a year and a half. (I am also a chick). We recently purchased a house together and will be moving next month. Also, I just turned 29 and my parents recently divorced this year after 30 years of marriage. I have dreams about random stuff like this maybe a couple times a year, not often. BUT, in the past three nights alone I have had dreams with consecutive themes-- I am with another woman, or cheating on my girlfriend, or she simply does not exist.

The first dream I had reunited with an ex, my first "love" and real relationship, so to speak who I was with for three years and also have had unresolved issues with for the past couple of years since we split. I have since moved on but from time to time get nostalgic and/or have dreams. This dream was one of intense love.. I remember embracing my ex and saying "Please don't do anything crazy until I'm done with this semester of school" (I'm finished grad school). I am having a hard time with school, work, and remodeling our house right now I guess is why I said that. but in my dream, I felt so much love and my current girlfriend didn't exist.

The second dream was with some "weird" girl who was kind of hippy or bohemian, I didn't know her, and we just had a weird sexual relationship/friendship. She shared a house with a bunch of weird people, etc. I don't know. Again my current girlfriend wasn't present.

The third dream was about a girl in my class who honestly I had not even thought about since the 1st day of class. I just remember thinking, "man I am old" since it was an undergrad and the class had both undergrads and graduates. Not attracted to this girl in real life, and I don't think we have even spoken. But in my dream, we had a really awesome friendship and relationship and the sex was amazing. She had so much spunk (again I dont know this girl at all) and was really fun to be around. I kept telling her something like, "I can't do this, blahblahblah, my girlfriend" ...then I got really frightened she was going to blab about our affair to my current girlfriend. anyway I woke up and was like, WTF?

Why am I having all these dreams about other women.... maybe sometimes I think my girlfriend is not very fun or very spontaneous, but, I do love her very much and she is funny. The sex is OK. We are very compatable as mates, and after the whole thing with my parents, and since I was very young, I've always questioned the reality of "love" and the assignments to the word.... I ask myself all the time if it is real, have I have been "in" love, etc. But I think I just suffer from the "grass is greener" syndrome. I am happy with her, I think I may just be ready to get out of this small apartment, and done with the hectic semester. Oh, and quit dreaming about other women because it makes me feel like I missed out on something, but that may be wrong of me to thing/feel. What do you think? TIA...

I was the other women with my ex. What now?

Anonymous — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 22:50:31 -0800

I slept with my ex. He has a new girlfriend. Now what? We have been broken up for almost five months and on a weekend trip to retrieve some stuff from the house that we'd shared, we had sex. He initiated it. I asked if he was sure that he wanted to do it, he said "This is probably a bad idea." and continued anyway.

He's been seeing this other girl since the week after we broke up. I left him due to an incident where he lied to me about talking with his ex (the one before me) about getting back together. I found that I couldn't trust him and this most recent incident has only served to reinforce that. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

My question is this: should I make his new girlfriend aware of what happened or just leave things be? He and I are trying to be pretty good friends, I just don't want to have a relationship with someone that I can't trust. If I tell the new girl what happened, I assume that I'll lose the friendship. Would it be worth it? I know what I did was wrong and I feel bad about it, but at the same time... this seems to be his M.O. and I do feel strangely better for having confirmed it. I'm just uncertain if I should clue the new girl in or just ignore it and let her figure out what kind of guy he is on her own.

They think I cheated on the LSAT!

Anonymous — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 13:28:09 -0800

I got a Misconduct/Irregularities Verbal Warning Notice during my LSATs. Please help! I took the LSATs for the second time on Saturday (the first time I took them I got a 168; I'm pretty sure I did significantly better this time. 172-174 range, probably). After I completed the fifth section of the test (and sat still for five hours!), they told us to turn our answer sheets over and sign the Certifying Statement if we had not already done so. I was daydreaming, and doodling on the table and failed to turn over my answer sheet. Apparently a proctor saw my pencil going and my answer sheet facing front up and assumed I was trying to work past time. They gave me a Misconduct/Irregularities Verbal Warning (violation III - working beyond time limits), despite my efforts to show them the doodles I had made on the desk.

I have read all of the literature about it, saying that my case will likely be recommended to the Subcommittee to evaluate. I am preparing a written statement explaining the situation (and the fact that I wasn't cheating and am just ADD and a daydreamer), but there seems to be a strong chance that the incident will show up on my permanent record, go out to all the law schools I'm applying to, and even affect the way my first score is received. Is that a realistic assumption?

What should I do? Has this happened to anyone else? What are the chances that this is going to completely ruin my chances of getting into a good school? I've been aiming for the top 10 law schools in the country, if that's important. What would you do?

Why do I attract married men?

giggleknickers — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 07:07:36 -0800

Attracting married men is my superpower. What gives? I think I was bitten by a radioactive homewrecker at some point. What on earth am I doing wrong? I keep finding myself in the same situation where a married man, often with kids, is chasing me down and telling me he is in love with me while I'm trying to give him the coldest shoulder I can without being rude. I am not in a position where I meet a lot of married men at all, but I swear that if I was in a room with one hundred single men and one married man, it would be the married man chasing me around the room. It has gotten so bad that even my doctor started telling me he is falling in love with me.

It's always the same. They get infatuated, tell me that I make them wish they weren't married, and politely ignoring them just seems to make them want me more. If I keep attracting the same situation, there must be something about my personality that is doing it, so please help me figure out what the hell it is so that I can make it stop.

I have no interest in marriage or kids myself, so possibly maybe that has something to do with it? They want me before they find that out, but I still have to wonder if there is a connection.

How do I re-start/maintain a relationship with my father while my mother is cheating on him and he doesn't know?

Anonymous — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 13:36:47 -0800

How do I re-start/maintain a relationship with my father while my mother is cheating on him and he doesn't know? My mother and my father's relationship has been on rocky ground from some years, but they have not made any real moves towards divorce. At the same time, I've never been close to my dad and at times this bothers me. Quite often my mom has done the work of getting the family together. My dad is a good person, but we used to have arguments quite often when I was a teenager (which is normal) and he's quite a bit more right wing than I am, and very much a workaholic (his job takes him away from home for up to 2 weeks at a time). As I left for university, my conversations with my father rarely got to deeper subjects than the weather or farming. On the other hand, he's fairly supportive of my sister's and my choices and, as I said, not a mean or bad person. I also worry that my dad is depressed and that his aversion to seeking medical help generally means that he won't deal with it. So I want to have more contact with him, in order to be more aware of how he's doing mentally and possibly intervene/help him before his depression gets out of hand.

My mom has always been close to me, but I've found it stressful talking with her lately, because she spends most of her conversations complaining about my dad being distant and unloving. Several months ago, I advised her to "figure out what she wants in her life" and make that happen rather than letting things happen to her and complaing about it. She's using those words to justify this affair, which actually infuriates me, because I meant them more as a "decide to divorce or not once and for all" and not "have an illicit affair". Furthermore, she's told everyone in the family about this affair now, and I'm angry that she's put all of us in the position of being secret-keepers and/or secret-spillers. I don't approve of her doing this and have told her that I think she should either tell dad, or formally seperate from him so it doesn't matter. She says she wants to avoid divorce because of all the legal and financial stress of it. I also worry that he's going to eventually find out (my parents live in a very small, rural community rife with malicious gossip, so it's going to come out), and I think my dad will be doubly hurt that everyone knew about this before him. I think he deserves to be left by my mom, but not to be humiliated by her. OTOH, I don't want to tell him myself because I feel that it's my mom's responsibility and I think she's on a subconscious level wanting to be 'caught' and hoping that someone will do the difficult work of telling dad so she doesn't have to. (My mom has always been very conflict-averse and neurotic.)

So, basically, to sum up: I'm anticipating a major blow-up and I've decided that it's important I keep a healthy relationship with both of my parents, and I know that I'll need to put in some effort to do that with my dad. I don't want to accidently or purposely tell him about the affair. Nor, do I want my attempts to re-establish more contact with my dad to be intepreted by my mom as some conspiracy against her. An example of how I'm considered trying to get closer with my dad is asking him to (re)teach me how to fish as it's something he knows and likes, and that I'm interested in getting into. I also have a particularly good memory of a fishing trip with him when I was 5 years old.

Other possibly relavant details: I'm an independent adult (approaching 30), own my own home and live several hours away. I ended a 9 year common law marriage last year when my former partner was unfaithful to me, and while I'm trying really hard to project some of that onto my parents' situation, I realize it's a risk. My sister (late 20s) is also independent from my parents, married with kids, and lives closer. My sister's husband talks regularly with my dad and is probably most affected by knowing. Both my parents (early 60s) have good jobs/pensions and healthy savings balances, property, etc, and neither will be devastated financially by a divorce.

Okay to use WolframAlpha for homework?

Wordwoman — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 10:39:18 -0800

Would it be considered academic dishonesty to use WolframAlpha when doing a homework assignment in math? My friend is taking a differential equations class, and is stumped on some of the problems, so she looks up the steps to solve them on wolframalpha. If she is attempting the problems before looking them up, and if she is learning from the process, is it considered cheating?

Profiling cheaters?

Ashley801 — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 12:42:31 -0800

Has a study ever attempted to identify characteristics or behaviors that go along with cheating in relationships? Has a study ever attempted to identify specific, *tangible* characteristics or behaviors that correlate with cheating in relationships?

Made up example: "People who dance the waltz cheat at X rate compared to people who dance the Charleston." Or, "People who cheat are more likely to have better credit scores."

I'm interested in scholarly, well-designed studies. I know there's a lot of pop psychology out there about this.

Double Take

gensubuser — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 14:30:26 -0800

How ethical is it to look at previous years' exams? I know that some students have access to previous years' problem sets and use them to extreme benefit. We have been told that exam questions are often like previous years' questions, and have not received any instructions that any material is forbidden.

On the other hand, I assume acquiring the actual exam would be forbidden. What is ethical here? Alerting them to the availability is not an option.

What to do after you open Pandora's box?

Anonymous — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 08:34:22 -0800

My husband is cheating on me and has been for at least two years. He doesn't know I found out. Now what? I've had suspicions for a long time, but nothing concrete that I could point to and say, "See!" It was just uneasy feelings. We used to share a computer and one time I found a lot of gay porn links in the history while trying to recover a tab had accidentally closed. I talked to him about it, but he said he had misclicked, and like I said, I had nothing really concrete to point to.

A couple days ago he was in the bedroom on his lap top, it was late, and he came out kind of in a rush and asked if I wanted one of those iced coffee drinks from Wendy's because he wanted a frosty shake. I said sure and he went off. He was gone a long time. Longer than would be normal, so I texted where are you? He texted back that he had gone a whole town over to the Starbucks. It seemed odd to me because he had just scolded me about money and Starbucks by us is way more expensive than Wendy's. But Starbucks was closed and he was going with his first choice, and he'd get me coffee at Wawa. I reminded him he said Wendy's and he got flustered and said he was getting a milkshake from Wawa.

It just felt off and I shouldn't have done it, I know, but I went to the bedroom and opened his lap top. It was on and his gmail account was up. He was exchanging e-mail with someone from craigslist, and they were discussing some meet up place with glory holes and stuff. My husband was telling him he'd been going for at least 2 years and was happy there.

I was off by the time he got home and he handed me the coffee. He didn't even have a milkshake himself. It was weird.

The next day I ran his email name through google and he had used his e-mail name as his user name for a website where you advertise for quick hookups.

I don't know what to do. We have a young son together. I'm a stay at home mom and haven't worked in over 5 years. I have no money because my husband has always said he works for the money so it's his, and I get only what I need. So I feel really helpless. I know this is going on, but so what? I don't seem to be in a position to do anything.

I'm embarrassed and scared, and my chest hurts all the time thinking about this. I haven't told anyone in my family because there's so much going on right now like weddings and stuff and I don't want to ruin anything, and a lot of them thought I was too young to marry and would be very much I-told-you-so.

What should I do next? Who should I talk to besides him? I don't want to continue this marriage.

ifeelsostupid@gmail.com if you have advice too long for a comment.

Yes, I can bartend! I'm a bartender! I tend bar!

sexyrobot — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 13:44:16 -0800

I'm looking for a good, downloadable, Bartenders/Mixed Drinks/Cocktail cheat sheet. Preferably free. I've been googling for an hour with no luck... See, I've got a bartending gig tomorrow and I'm waaay rusty, my bartending experience is minimal, my resume' padded, and I'm now sober. I'm kind of stressed about it, and normally would turn the gig down, but I need the $. Here's what I need: a free (hopefully), downloadable, bartenders cheat sheet, 1 or 2 pages, listing the top 50-60 popular drinks (the main problem here is "too many and it's useless"), including a few classics (i make a good martini, but i always forget whats in a manhattan). Everything i find on google is like "3000 recipes on one page!!1! Looking for free BARTENDER CH33t Sh33t? BUY NOW!, weight watchers cocktail points, art projects and the like...TMI
Does anybody know where my golden PDF is at?

Friends don't stress friends out!

Anonymous — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 12:49:39 -0800

How do you extricate yourself from a family-oriented friendship? Very long and pathetic story to follow. About eighteen months ago, my child became friendly with a classmate. We hosted a play date that went swimmingly well. I liked the Mom quite a bit. This led to a reciprocated play date at their house, where we eventually ended up becoming family friends – Dads enjoyed each other’s company, kids played nice, Moms hung out. All was good. I thought it was great that we all were nice new friends. In fact, we spent the majority of the summer together, and even did holidays at each other’s houses.

Well, as my friendship with the new Mom evolved, she started to confide in me that she was involved in a long-established affair with another married male (who also had kids), and had long ago kind of checked out on her marriage. In fact, she actually hated her husband. Now mind you, our kids are now absolute buddies, and talk about each other endlessly and go to school together five days a week in the same class. I was kind of OK with just being aware of the situation, but as time went on, the volunteering of information became, well, a little TMI. The wheres, the whens, the hows. It was mentioned to me that there was a pregnancy scare and Plan B was involved. When I kind of brought up the What the FUCK?! Factor, as in, don’t you have enough going on? She said that they (she and her, uh, paramour?) discussed the thought of having a baby together and liked the idea, but then freaked when the possibility became a reality and bailed. TWICE. When I asked what would happen should the Plan B not work, how would she deal with the fact that she wasn’t sleeping with her spouse (except for the occasional mercy fuck) yet somehow get pregnant? She said that her husband wouldn't be smart enough to figure it out. (She is forever talking shit about him/his intelligence, etc.)

I tried to remain outside of the circle, especially since her husband happens to be a really nice guy. He apparently was aware that she had fooled around on him at one point, but was under the impression that it had ended a while back (to date, it’s now been about three years running). I also asked why they don’t just get a divorce; she sighted financial reasons, and also claimed that for all his faults, her husband is, in fact, a good father. They supposedly attempted counseling, though I never heard more about that after one or two tries.

Her child left the school to go on to a different district last year, so that kind of helped separate the situation. Still the kids missed each other, and I would regularly get calls and emails asking for play dates. I would kind of blow them off, or we would end up rescheduling. The few times we did get together, the conversation was kept very basic. My child regularly talked about how much she missed her friend, and would beg me to call the Mom and see when we could get together (this still happens pretty frequently). I try and change the topic, not really giving an answer, or say that everybody's busy the next few weekends, not really knowing how to explain the situation.

We went for about four or five months without communicating and I suddenly got a call about two weeks ago. It was a really bad time for me to talk and I never returned the call or sent an email.

And now to convolute the story further, her husband found me on FB this morning, wanting to know how I’ve been, and what’s been going on. Inevitably, he’s going to ask why I haven’t been around and what’s the story. It kills me to know what is going on, yet I feel I have no right (nor do I have any intention) to tell him.

How am I supposed to explain to my kid that I cut off our relationship with this family because of this person’s scruples?

Throwaway email: harriedparent@gmail.com

How do I process – I never tried to hurt you but I’m sorry if it happened, it wasn’t my intent, it was yours, get out of my life forever?

sav — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 18:59:31 -0800

My question is about intent? If you hurt someone with what you perceive to be their and your best interests in mind, while simultaneously knowing that what you are doing will hurt that person, is it any different than actively trying to hurt the person. Does duration and occurrence play a role? If I don’t mean to hurt you, but know I am and will for 4 years is it less bad than a single act of active hurtfulness? Is it possible to want to hurt someone you love in an extreme moment but still love and care for that person? Is it possible to call that love? I am recently out of a 4 year relationship that was plagued with lies from the beginning and ended very badly. The other person maintains that they didn’t actually try to hurt me, but were in a position where they had no choice. I believe that this in part may be true but there is also an aspect of extreme selfishness that put their desires ahead of my well being. This person maintains that many of their actions were to primarily protect me from the truth which they themselves were unhappy with. And that their actions were in part caused by having to make a very difficult decision which they were not strong enough to ultimately make. They had another SO throughout the duration, and at different times were in love with both of us. This person did everything they could to keep me or part of me in the game, both physically and emotionally. I have to admit, I am still partly in the game, at least in my heart as this person was the love of my life.

At the end, 4 years later, and 2 years after beginning to notice and question the oddities in my life, doing everything thing I could to understand these and try to gain a level of normality in my relationship and my life, putting all else aside to focus on repairing the damage that this caused throughout; I did something which may be perceived as revenge. I got in contact the other SO, to discuss what had happened to both of us, to understand what my life was, and in part to ensure that the other SO also knew what I knew about the behavior of our SO. At this point, and this point came at a moment of extreame pain directly caused by this person, I decided that everyone had the right to know everything, and that everyone should know everything, for the health of everyone, including the person I love.

My question is about intent? If you hurt someone with what you perceive to be their and your best interests in mind, while simultaneously knowing that what you are doing will hurt that person, is it any different than actively trying to hurt the person. Does duration and occurrence play a role? If I don’t mean to hurt you, but know I am and will for 4 years is it less bad than a single act of active hurtfulness? Is it possible to want to hurt someone you love in an extreme moment but still love and care for that person? Is it possible to call that love?

Is cheating in relationships in your twenties and thirties inevitable?

countingbackwards — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 17:40:24 -0800

Is infidelity in relationships in your twenties and thirties inevitable? I recently was cheated on by my ex-boyfriend days after we started living together and many of my friends who are in their late-30s are not surprised. We had been dating each other very seriously for a year, he spoke about getting a dog with me, he discussed future household repairs in the new place, putting me on his insurance, and at the same time was getting in some girls car in the middle of the night. Dating each other exclusively and living together were both his ideas (he even asked me what kind of wedding I would have) so I know there was no pressure on my end to have a life he didn't want. Seems as if he was just another boy too close for comfort to 30 and confused about what kind of life he wanted. I was just collateral damage.

I've told this story multiple times over the last few weeks and more than a few people didn't seem all that surprised. Someone even called it "age appropriate drama". Am I in for more duplicitous behavior from guys for the next ten years until I approaching 40? This break-up was really devastating and emotionally exhausting. I can't imagine going through something like this multiple times until I find someone to settle down with. Is this to be expected or does it happen more often than not? Also, I haven't spoken to him since about this, he has not reached out to me in any real way, perhaps out of shame.

Am I overreacting to this creepy guy who keeps trying to meet my wife and her friends?

Anonymous — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 12:48:48 -0800

Am I overreacting to this creepy guy who keeps trying to meet my wife and her friends? I apologize for this being a bit long and probably confusing.

My wife has a core group of five friends that she's known since high school. Three of the five girls are married and a fourth is in a long-term relationship. We're all close. About 3 or 4 months, the fifth girl started having sex with a married guy from her church. She been good friends with this guy's wife and daughter for a while too, which makes it all the more despicable. He's also told her that it's not the first time he's cheated on his wife.

Initially, all of this girl's friends, including my wife, were pretty disappointed in her. The collective disappointment turned to anger when this guy invited all of her girl friends out to dinner to get to know them. Just the girls. Well, they basically all told the friend that they think he's a creep and nobody wanted to meet him. We thought that was that.

Whenever we're with this friend, she's CONSTANTLY texting with this guy. And he's always asking her possessive questions like "Who's there?" and "How much have you been drinking?"

Weeks later, she roped one of the girlfriends and her boyfriend into meeting this guy. They confirmed their initial suspicions that he was creepy. Especially when they started inappropriately making out in front of everyone. He even started texting THIS girl after the meeting and trying to talk to her on the phone.

So last week, the friend moved into a new apartment in this guy's town (which we later found out was directly in between his work and home). In celebration of the new place, they all had a "girl's night" at the movies. After the movie, they went to see the new apartment. As they're walking around, who shows up... this frickin guy. With a case of beer nonetheless as a "peace offering" for the girls. Fortunately, my wife had come home directly from the movie and missed meeting him. But the other girls awkwardly left and were pretty livid about the whole thing, basically feeling like they were tricked into meeting him. I was beyond pissed about the whole thing, as was my best friend (who's married to one of the girls who was there). I later found out for sure that it was this guy's idea to stop by and say 'hi' to them and the girl told him it would be ok. It was most definitely not ok.

So I found out what I could about this guy afterwards and wrote him an email... to his work address, to make the point loud and clear:

I don't care what you do with [REDACTED]... but my wife and the rest of my friend's wives do not want to know you. You and [REDACTED] both know that. Do not put yourself into a situation to meet my wife or any of my friend's wives again.

Stay the fuck away.

I guess he got the message last night while he was with her and got so scared that he left and went home to his wife. The girl immediately called her friends to apologize for putting them in the awkward situation and took responsibility for it. She chatted with me this morning and tried to explain, but I basically told her that I think this guy is a piece of shit and nobody wants him around them. I've accepted her apology, basically because I think her being that dumb doesn't mean there needs to be bad blood between us. But I absolutely don't forgive this guy for weaseling his way into everyone's lives.

So again, the question is: am I overreacting to this guy? It seems to me like he has some delusional fantasy about cheating on his wife with not only this girl, but her friends as well. It was enough to feel like she's making us guilty simply by knowing about what her and this guy are doing. But him figuring out how to get his way regardless of the wishes of my wife and her friends is putting me (and the other husbands) over the top.

What did he do that made you cheat?

surenoproblem — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 21:46:30 -0800

If you've felt the temptation to cheat, or have cheated, on a guy: what sorts of things was he neglecting to do around that time? Or what things was he doing? I realise that there are a multitude of external factors, and no-one really drives their partner to infidelity, but I'd like some insight into what behaviours make a relationship more susceptible to infidelity.

A female friend is feeling an acute temptation, and the mistakes her partner is making are obvious: he's emotionally distant, he's uncontactable for days at a time. It got me curious: are there broad, general patterns? Are there mistakes that aren't as obvious?

I'm hoping for specific, empirical examples, as opposed to common-sense generalisations.

For example; I'm hoping for things like, "whenever I tried to tell him about concerns I had at work, he was uninterested and had a dissmissive attitude as if I were just sharing office gossip".

And I'm less interested in things like, "just be a good husband and have trust in your wife".

If privacy is an issue, you can send answers to what.didnt.he.do@gmail.com, and I'll post the answers here.

Thanks a lot!

Please help me live with myself after lying and cheating.

Anonymous — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 19:37:58 -0800

How can I live with myself after lying and cheating? I just got a divorce, before my fourth anniversary. I can't remember why we got divorced anymore. Clearly, it must have been bad for us to get to the point where he moved out.

We didn't really take the time to work things out before he moved out. He thought I didn't want him around anymore, and I figured he'd be happier without me since he was so depressed throughout our marriage. We parted still loving each other. We both wanted to work it out, but he has a serious inability to communicate (as in, sits and stares for as long as 15 minutes while trying to have a conversation). He refused counseling, so I asked him to move out.

Then I met another guy, and I slept with him but I shouldn't have. I did not know him before my ex moved out, and I figured that the relationship was essentially over anyway. I didn't think my ex cared anymore. I never told my now-ex. I think he suspected. I felt awful, but I figured we were already separated and he never really wanted to fix it....so I just went along with a new relationship that made me feel pretty and sexy and that involved conversation. I was wrong.

It was so wrong because I was so distracted I either failed to see or willfully ignored the way my husband was really trying to change to save our relationship. This right here is what is killing me and I can barely live with myself. Some of the things were small, and even silly, but were things that I had nagged him about for years. He never said, "Look, I'm doing X now. Can I come home?" He'd just say, "Oh, lookie here, I'm doing X," and I thought that he was trying to make me feel like I was missing out or show me up. I couldn't see that as the best he could do to communicate his desire to change. The words he said were that we should go ahead and divorce and see what kind of relationship we'd have afterwards.

I filed for divorce; it was granted. Now he's back with an ex girlfriend. I wish I could be OK with it; I know it is terrible and selfish of me not to be. Additionally, he told me a (big, REALLY big) lie about this girl when we first met, and he only cleared it up with me so that he wouldn't feel bad being with her knowing he'd started a rumor about her.

I'm completely devastated, and I don't know why. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too, and I need advice on how you have gotten over a situation that you created for yourself that made you hate yourself. Now all I can think about are the good times I had with my ex when we were dating and first married. I hate myself for being blind to his efforts, and I cannot forgive myself by being too self-absorbed in my own feelings to actually make an effort on my marriage. How can I let go of this regret and refrain from acting on it? I tried telling myself that the cheating was no big deal since the marriage was essentially over anyway, but it's just come to my attention that I ignored all his efforts and it's like everything is happening and hurting all over again.

Also, a very contentious question from looking at older posts -- should I tell my ex I was cheating while before and during divorce proceedings? To me, it's a huge deal; it's why I didn't work on the relationship I'd committed my life to. The guy I was with thinks it would be a terrible idea because it would just hurt him, but I've created quite a bit of drama on my ex and made him feel bad for dating again so soon. He says he still cares about me and wants to be my friend, but I don't deserve these sentiments. Do I tell him why?

Please don't leave me any hate here. There's nothing you can't tell me that I'm not telling myself.

Cheating, pending divorce...does it get any better?

Anonymous — Tue, 19 May 2009 13:23:42 -0800

How to deal with a cheating wife? very sad story.... Here's the whole thing.

- Married for 10 years. 5 of which we both worked, the last 5 years the kids
were born. Mom has been at-home ever since.
- started having real bad marital problems 2 yrs, ago. we tried therapy together,
books, you name it...
-about 1 year ago, we started to build our "dream home" Foolishly, thought
this would help us re-unite...
Note: we both purchased our first apartment together. paid it off. gave
a downpayment for a big house. huge mortage. House prices went to the roof.
sold the house. paid of mortgage, still got some money left to build a house.
Currently renting a nice, yet very small house.

- 2 months ago, caught my wife having an emotional affair with the architect.
Yeah, the same guy that is building our "dream home". So I confronted her.
She denied it first. But when I said I had seen the evidence, she accepted it.
At that point, I said we could fix things, I said I forgave her, but she should immediately
stop all contact with the guy. She said yes, and we promised that we would work on saving our marriage.

- Fast forward to the present. To summarize, it turns out she did not
stop email contact. Emotional affair now blown into adulterous affair.

-She does not know I know. But I know. A mutual friend, kinda of spilled it
out...I have installed software to monitor. Yes. all true. very intimate
and loving emails...she's saying he is the love of her life, bla bla bla.
She'd marry him any minute if both of them were not married...[sic]

So here's the sticky point. Remember, she does not know I know.
In theory, we're working on our marriage, right? so I got an appointment
with a marriage therapist. We're going there together tommorrow. She
keeps saying she does not want to divorce, that she wants to fight for it.

BUT, in her emails, to the architect-lover, she is saying she will divorce.
No doubt about it. She will wait until the house is finished "for obvious reasons"-quoting her.
My parents lent us around 100K to continue building. I promised my dad I would repay.

So now, she is planning to divorce me, and to get the house when it is finished.
She's mentioned that shes gonna get a good lawyer...(is she a witch, or what?)

ANYWAYS:

here are my choices. This is what I need advice on:

a) Counter-act. without her knowing, rent a place, move out. Basically
tell her: You finish the house. you pay for it. see if you can make it. (I know
she wont have the money). She *might* have to sell it as-it-is, hoping
that someone else will finish it. Sue her for divorce.
I am already renting a house right now, so the kids are not left homeless or anything.

b) continue to play dumb-ass...finish the house. then she'll want to divorce,
and we fight for the house to be sold and split in court. risky. If I succed,
I use that money to buy a house for the kids. I just feel like even after
the whole cheating thing, she wants to rip me off with the house, for which
we both worked for it, and even me much more, and then I am stuck with
a debt to my father! Does she care about that? dont think so.

Life sucks.

Full disclosure?

Anonymous — Mon, 11 May 2009 18:15:05 -0800

Asking for a friend… Should he tell his girlfriend about his cyber fling? I have a friend who has been dating this girl for a long time, several years. They seem pretty happy but my friend confided that they do not have sex often and he is frustrated. Apparently it happens about once every six months or something. He tries to initiate but gets shot down. (He said she doesn’t have body hangups or anything . It’s just a mental roadblock).

He met a girl online and started chatting. I guess things got sexual and he broke it off a few weeks later. They never met in person but did talk on the phone. He broke it off because he really does love his girlfriend and wants to improve their relationship. He wants to know if he should tell his girlfriend about this and if so, how? His main priority is the relationship so advice to dump her is not really helpful in this situation. Also except for this he is a decent guy and has never done anything like this before.

Two Sides To the Story Left Me Feeling Anxious

InterestedInKnowing — Sun, 10 May 2009 10:07:52 -0800

Would my ex really lie about something like this? Recently I got information from a mutual friend of ours (no longer my ex's) about his disloyalty to me while we were dating. She never told me before but she kinda distanced herself from me and completely cut him out her life. It wasn't until I contacted her asking if she spoke to my ex recently because I was worried about him since he got mad at me since I told him to not contact me everyday. Well, she said she hasn't spoken to him in a year and asked me what was up. I told her and that's when she said "don't hate me but I think he's an asshole." She then told me in specifics the night I called around wondering where he was, well she said he was trying to get her into bed at her apartment. That night I was under the impression he was having a business meeting with her for an hour. He never got in touch with me and wasn't answering my calls. I called around and finally got in touch with her and she sounded a bit off on the phone. Well it turns out that my call stopped him from taking further advantage of her and he left the apartment saying "I'm not here, I'm not here." She also told me of how he made advances on her even after that incident recounting specifically things he said to her like "If we were going out would your parents allow you to date a black man?" She gave clear examples that otherwise she couldn't have possibly known. That's her side of things.

His side of things when I went to confront him and give him back his promise ring, he got very upset. He started to salivate (cause he kept spitting on the ground) and he was rolling up his cuffs and taking out his dress shirt as he couldnt believe what I told him. He said "You believe that fat bitch? Let me tell you about her, she wanted to fuck me and I wouldn't give her the time of day. She couldn't hold a candle to you!" He explained "That night, I stopped by and her friend was there and she was drunk, all over me and I had to throw her unto the floor. So, that's why you haven't been talking to me? Unreal!" and proceeded to tell me how much I have hurt him and claimed I was never there for him, but meanwhile he was confusing me. If I did all that, why would he want to marry me? Anyways, I didn't let him continue the rhetoric, I just played it cool and said we just gotta move on. But it left me feeling anxious because it went unresolved. Is it possible he was telling the truth and she is just a conniving woman or did he lie again to me?

Any tips for making a relationship out of an affair?

Anonymous — Sat, 09 May 2009 19:59:00 -0800

Any tips for making a relationship out of an affair? I was in a relationship and starting cheating with a close friend. My relationship ended, largely mutually, for a variety of reasons, including the affair. I have strong feelings for my friend and would like to make it work as a relationship. I have a lot of guilt about the infidelity, but that doesn't change my feelings for this person. I'm really scared that, in addition to it functioning as something of a rebound thing, there will be other issues arising from our involvement started. We started off with a pattern of secrecy, how to adjust to being public. We started off with lies, how to build trust? We started off trying to avoid getting involved and feeling guilty about it, how to not have guilt play a role in our interactions? We started off with heighten sense of emotion and drama, how to build a more realistic, healthy relationship? Is this possible? I don't want to believe that this is a lost cause.

(Also just a tip for people drawing closer to an affair... just breakup THEN start seeing the person. I wish I had.)