Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with change

Change I'm Not Sure I Believe In

Anonymous — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 14:24:34 -0800

Where is the line between asking someone to comprise for the sake of the relationship, and asking someone to change who they are? There are things about my significant other that bother me, but I have a hard time talking to him about them, not because I think he'll be upset with me but because I feel uncomfortable asking him to change himself for me. He pretty much never asks me to change. This may be due to an imbalance in our relationship, in that I love him and care about him and am attracted to him but have never been "infatuated" (with him or with anyone else) and he has been pretty smitten with me from the beginning. But I worry that I'm using his feelings for me in order to change him, and I don't want to do that. On the other hand, I don't want to suffer through things that could be better or break up with him when he would prefer to make the change (that is, I don't want to decide what is too much to ask of him - that's for him to decide).

Some examples of the kind of thing I'm talking about: he has a tendency to respond to my distress by talking about a similar way that he's been distressed in the past (I'm sure to show that he empathizes, but to me it feels like he's asking me to comfort him instead of comforting me); we both have silly/goofy streaks but sometimes I wish he would be more serious/confident/adult - or, god help me, "manly"; and he has some habits of speech (some sort of cross between Whedon and lolcat) that I've always thought were kind of dumb, but are slowly starting to drive me crazy.

I'm sure there are things I do that will grate on him eventually (although right now he insists there is nothing he would change about me) but for now it's not a two way street so I can't measure how much I can ask him to compromise with how much *I* am willing to compromise. And I've never been in a relationship this long/serious before so I can't compare it to past experience either.

One of the awesome things about our relationship is how open and honest we can be with each other, so I'm not necessarily worried about having these kinds of conversations with him, so long as I know I'm being reasonable. The question is, am I being reasonable? Is it okay if I ask him to try and change these things? What kind of things are not okay to ask him to change? What kind of changes have you asked a partner to make for you? What kind of requests would be too much to ask of you?

Do people really change?

elektrotechnicus — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 22:01:56 -0800

I'm looking for figures on will-power. How many people who try to lose weight, quit smoking, kick an addiction, start exercising, etc. will be successful (particularly long term)? In other words, I'm looking for experimental or population studies on how often people are able to change their behavior in significant ways when they resolve to do so. Well supported anecdotal data about large groups ("vietnam vets were(n't) largely able to quit heroin on coming home") is only slightly less appreciated.

How do I save the planet with computers and stuff? and get paid!?

Gaeacon — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 00:19:34 -0800

I want to help guide the development of "new" environmentalism... Where should I (educated/trained as an Ecologist) start on a career change into media (online/web development)? better explained... I graduated in June with a Master's in Ecology/Conservation and a certificate called Leaders in Sustainability. I started out in the PhD program, but about half a year in I started thinking a lot about doing something at the interface of environmentalism/activism/science through an online medium. I distracted myself immensely, setting out my grand entrepreneurial vision. I thought I could balance all that....and my very demanding dissertation research abroad.

Well, I couldn't. A couple of years of tortured back and forth, I decided to take the Master's and try to explore the sort of channels I was envisioning. The entrepreneurial vision still exists, although on the back burner a bit. I was faced with the reality that I have a lot to learn, and my ideas need maturation.

I set out to learn more and gain experience. In my last year of grad school, I worked with an environmental non-prof that aimed to engage youth in recreating activism...a lot of interactive, educational pieces at events and festivals. I functioned as an event coordinator/"engineer"/educational programmer....many hats, so to speak. I really enjoyed the broad audience and the "cool" factor of this type of work. The work, however, wasn't paid and would not last forever.

Since graduating, I have worked with The Nature Conservancy. It was a short term position that has been extended by working myself into some new projects....but I am starting to earnestly look forward to what's next. TNC has been a great learning experience - amazing to see conservation on the ground and to be involved behind the scenes with all the different stakeholders. That being said, I still feel my heart gravitating to the entrepreneurial vision I had in grad school.

I know I can't rely on a vision alone, so I need the help of you MeFites to figure out my next steps....

My "vision" rests deeply upon the future of the internet/social networking and the fusing of media with environmentalism/science.

What would be a logical next step to dive into this realm? What kind of jobs can I apply to? I feel like I have been hovering around the conservation world for a bit....and maybe I should be exploring the media side some more.

I am very interested in computers and web development. I don't have much of a "formal" background in computers so I am not even sure which area would be the best (or if I even would have a chance of working anywhere).

What about back-up plan? Should I continue in the conservation world? Perhaps seeking out work with environmental consulting companies?
(OH YEAH, I am in debt and need something that pays at least 30-35k)

Any tips on career change and anything that would help get me closer to my goal would be greatly appreciated. TY

I live in Los Angeles...if that helps

Friendship SNAFU

Anonymous — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 09:39:25 -0800

How do I rectify this friendship and change? So, to sum up my problem right now: I have a nasty habit of treating the few friends I have like my therapists. I've always had trouble making friends, and a lot of the few friendships I have had usually ended with that due to having no one else to talk to.

The most recent happened a few days ago. I met this guy over the summer, and we talked online a lot, but only met in person a couple of times. I felt we clicked, and I wanted to get to know him better as a friend, and I feel that--for a while, at least--the feeling was mutual.

But over the past few weeks or so I've been getting really stressed and anxious about a variety of factors, namely job searching. Since I don't have many friends, and I have trouble making them, he was the one real person I could talk to, and thus received the brunt of my worries. A few nights ago, he got fed up and told me that he needed some time to not deal with me. He told me he was concerned about my mental health, but frustrated at how I kept thrusting all my problems at him, and asked me what my idea of friendship was when I asked if we were still friends.

When he told me that he wanted a break, I became worried that he would never speak to me again (I've had that happen) but he assured me that he would talk to me again at some point, he just needed some time, and would contact me when he wanted to talk. I know I should take what he's saying at face value, because I know that rationally, I have no reason to suspect that he could be lying. But I'm still afraid that I'll never hear from him again, which sucks because then it would be just another friendship in the long line of ones that I've fucked up. And again, it would be even more of a shame because we never got to really know each other, and I wanted to, and I was sure he wanted to.

I've since decided to see a therapist. I feel like it will help, and I'm also committed to changing my behaviors and making this work. But I miss him, and I'm paranoid that I've fucked this up good. I know the easiest way to get over this is to try and make new friends, but believe me when I say that for me, that is much, much easier said than done. I feel like I'm the only person who's ever been in this situation, and so I feel like a huge, guilty douche.

So: how do I stop treating my friends as therapists and start treating them as friends? It sounds weird, but I don't know how to do that. Is it possible to rectify this situation? How do I do that? Help me, AskMe!

Online career change exercises wanted

reenum — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 12:22:57 -0800

Are there any websites or online resources for people considering a career change? I've been thinking of changing careers for a while, and after some recent events at the office, it's time to get up and start figuring some things out.

I'm going to get "What Color Is Your Parachute" and a few other recommended texts from other threads, but I'm wondering if there are any websites or other online resources (preferably free), that have exercises and other things I can use to try and evaluate what it is I truly want to do.

I have a lot of free time at work. For obvious reasons, I don't want to show up here with career change books.

Thanks!

Too Hot Not To Handle

Ash3000 — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 10:39:33 -0800

A friend, who leans Ron Paul libertarian, was recently trying to convince me that anthropogenic global warming is largely a myth. A central part of his argument was his claiming that there was recently a petition signed by 40,000 independent climate scientists saying that, in his words, "so-called global warming is bullshit." More inside. I'm no climate scientist, but I feel like I have a fairly good layman's grasp on the basics of climate change, and have heard of a few such "petitions" that generally end up being filled with non-scientists, or those on the fringe, or those who are corporate-sponsored - but I'd never heard of this petition.

I asked him to cite what exactly he was referring to, and he said he couldn't remember the sourcing at the moment (it was a loud bar night), but rest assured that the whole idea of a consensus about climate change is part of the push for one-world government.

The one-world-paranoia aside, does anyone know what he might have been referring to? I couldn't find anything googling for the number 40,000, but 30,000 yielded this. Might that be it?

I think he absorbs a fair amount of fringe-right media - can anyone give me the straight dope on the sort of things that are being circulated as "proof against climate change" that this may have been a part of, and what the common refutations are against this specific petition (if you know it), or such petitions generally? Or just a way to use this as an excuse to learn more? I'd like to continue these conversations with him, but I feel like he keeps on citing research that he reads in newsletters and the like.

(Also, while I'm here, he claimed that carbon taxation, especially in its current legislative form in Congress, is a secret tool to constrict all industry, and that Al Gore is just trying to profiteer for his private business. What're the arguments against these specific claims?)

Movie producing mogul in six months?

SantosLHalper — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 06:11:51 -0800

I read non-fiction story of a career change to a successful Hollywood movie producer. Help me find who it was and a copy of the story. A man, who had achieved a high level of success in the business or possibly political world on the East Coast (?), decided to change careers. He moves out West. He takes six months and does little else than watch movies. He begins to notice that many of the good movies have people in common in the credits.

He jump starts his very successful producing career by using the insights gained by his six months of movie watching.

I read it over ten years ago, not sure when it was published. I believe it was part of a book, but not 100% sure.

Legal name change in TX not relating to marriage/divorce

Anonymous — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 19:04:55 -0800

How can I legally change my last name in Texas without it being due to marriage or divorce? My father just passed away. I am his daughter, his only child. I am married and took my husband's last name. Now that my dad is gone, I want to carry on his name by hyphenating my last name with maiden-married. Some places on the internet says I can just fill out some forms, others say I need to hire an attorney. Anyone out there change their name in Texas without it being due to a marriage/divorce and did you have to hire an attorney? Thank you.

My personality needs a review! It's getting out of control! Help please!

Vandal — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 21:18:03 -0800

I'm scared of what my personality is coming to be. I recently broke up with my wife that I love but had no passion (kissing) with (2.5 yrs). I feel like I've controlled her a lot, do not want her to express a lot of her own self because I am very meticulous and strategic about my words, how I talk, how I present myself, etc. I think that's the same thing that happened with my ex girlfriend of two years. They love me for who I am, I'm a fun loving guy, good looking, good personality, morals, understanding, extremely caring, etc, but I'm wayyy too much of a presence and seemingly controlling to my loved ones. My dad has been away from home for about 20 years seeing his kids and wife once or twice a year. He recently retired and is back with mom and my siblings (I'm away from them). My mom says he has been trying to take over on how the house is being run and is controlling her ways and words, and how she interacts with others, etc .. in turn driving my mom wild.

I'm an extrovert when I have to be, and I usually don't go out partying etc even though I'm in my late twenties, and very much involved with what I do. My mom was saying since my dad has been back, he hasn't gotten the want to step out of the house and go places, etc.

This is kind of scary as it looks like I'm turning into my dad and I'm seeing through my mom how bad it could get. I don't know what else I should say.. I am seriously getting scared that I will turn into something that I don't want to turn into. I need help and I don't know what to do to turn myself around.. but I think if I wait any longer, my personality would get hard coded and could never be changed, like my dad.

I also have this "I am right", and "Listen to me", attitude that my wife didn't like.

Do you know what I'm talking about? If yes, please help!

Need to apply my previous skills to a new occupation - resources? ideas?

audio — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 00:23:34 -0800

I just complete a two year technical degree, now I find that I am un-happy with my future job and that the economic outlook for work is terrible. I want to find something that will use my skills and education as leverage for an assortment of different careers. Are there website(s) that can compute this for me? could you suggest for me some occupations given a brief description (inside)... (Continueing from original question)..

I'm good at the following:

- Programming (almost all web languages and some server side)

- Building things (I like to be unorthadox and create solutions from random ideas... try new things to make something work)

- Designing (I have a good eye to make things aesthetically pleaseing)

- Diagnoseing (I can solve complex problems most times and not get stressed out)

- Consulting (I have a long backround in internet marketing, web developement and server deployment)

My Degree: Network Administrator (http://www.academyoflearning.com/AB/Home/Programs/InformationTechnology/NetworkAdministrator.aspx)

So many careers in computers are being outsourced to india. I can't compete. I have thought about doing something in diagnostic medicine but I just got out of school and need a year or two break before I would ever consider something like that.

Are there any careers you would recommend for a person like me? (besides the obvious - web design / programming out of the question b/c of outsourceing competition)

Yes, another career change suggestion box

SassafrasSweetCharity — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 18:14:14 -0800

Me: Working in an industry that catastrophically failed during the last 12 months and I STILL can't get laid off. So now I'm going to have to make a career change without the kick in the pants that being laid off would've given me. Now I just need to figure out what my new career is. My salary requirements are modest, my needs are simple. My desires...rather narrowing. The problem is, I don't really know anyone who has a job I'd want and I'm too cynical to believe career/school counselors and their ideas of job prospects and potential and/or their ability to place me in jobs. I am, however, very realistic regarding the job market and my abilities.

I'd like a job that doesn't involve touching people or providing customer service or listening to a persons victimology. Been there, done that, avoided IA and PTSD. I want to be a cog, the bigger the company, the better. I just want a paycheck, not a chair on the birthday committee.

I like numbers, paperwork, independent playtime, alternative schedules, using my brain and finishing things. A perfect world would have me leaving work when I'm done with my job tasks instead of faking til 5pm but I've been working long enough to know that that.will.never.happen.

I'd like to go back to school for a minimal amount of time and complete a degree or certificate program that will lead to DIRECT employment.

I've looked into the local community college and the healthcare administration and accounting appeal to me the most. I'm looking for a field that has longevity and multiple avenues to explore. I'm leaning towards health care admin since there are at least 7 hospitals within 10 minutes of me and a large retiree population in my city. Accounting-type jobs in the healthcare field=even better.

Problem: As usual, all job postings I see want certificates AND job experience. So does anyone have experience with direct employment with a Accounting Certificate or an Associates in Accounting or with an Associates in Health Information Technology (with RHIT certification)? I can crank out a degree or certificate but want to know if I'm actually employable with one. And if so, give me actual jobs I someone would give me without experience specific to that area.

As a side note....any graduates with a BS/BA in Public Administration? Thats also a long term possiblity so tell me what specific job you got with that degree!

Hands on something other than a keyboard

sio42 — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 08:58:48 -0800

I am tired of staring at a computer screen all day. I think I want to work with my hands and definitely would like to be out of the office/cubicle most of the day. I have an BA in Useless, as I've seen it called as I've been searching on here for help.

But I'm having trouble finding answers to my ultimate question. I"m in IT right now (admin asst), I don't really like it. I enjoy technology and all, but as a hobby. I really HATE being an admin asst - yay, process invoices etc. And I really don't want to be in telecom. I hate managing our phone systems. It sucks.

I am taking some classes at local Community College in web design. I've always wanted to know more about it. But again - that's staring at a computer all day. I am making an appt to speak with a career counselor there soon, but I wanted the MeFi answers as well. The career counselor is bound to have their own biases.

I know all these questions get answers like "what do you LIKE to do?" or similar. The best I have ever felt, when I felt that what I had accomplished was indeed good, wonderful, and done to a level I felt confident in...it was when I was volunteering/working with a nonprofit that did creek clean ups. Spending all day in the sun or rain picking up trash and debris...not just candy wrappers, i mean serious put the waders and gloves on stuff - tires, cinder blocks, shopping carts, mattresses (yuck!!!!), etc. Then tossing all that stuff in the dumpster and seeing that huge pile of trash, muddy and stinking OUT of the creek.

I tried working for the nonprofit but the awful leadership and beauracracy of the whole thing ended up causing its downfall and my disillusionment with it.

I don't think I want to be a trash collector, tho (ha ha). The ability to physically SEE what I had done, not on a screen, not a paper report, but to SEE it, to FEEL physically like I had done a bunch work that resulted in something tangible - that was pretty awesome.

I am a strong NP (INFP, ENTP). I came out right in the middle on the I/E, F/T thing. When I take the career assessment though the community college, it comes back with electrician and diagnostic medical sonographer. I don't want to take care of people as far as helping them go to the bathroom etc, but otherwise like the idea of the medical stuff. It never really occurred to me before.

I don't necessarily want to leave technology behind (hence sonographer of any kind seeming interesting), but I'm kinda tired of sitting all the time and updating spreadsheets and databases and telling people how to work the damn lcd projector. I've been doing customer service and now admin asst work since, let's see, I was 20? ugh.

I'm 30 years old, female, with liberal arts degree. I'm willing and able to take classes online or evenings/weekends. I don't really dread going to work everyday, but want to take steps towards a fulfilling career/life path.

Anyways, ask questions, I'll answer and maybe I'll get my current brain soup to congeal into something more solid.

A Rosensweigelheimer By Any Other Name ...

Anonymous — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 10:11:13 -0800

Planning to change my last name, which isn't a common thing for men to do. Not sure what reactions to expect from colleagues and peers. How can I best deal with potential social stigma and explanations of reasoning involved? Going from a multi-syllable "ethnic" name to a single syllable variation. I've always felt it to be a hindrance and would like to change it for myself and my family for many reasons.

I'm now in my early 30's with a small family, established career, decade old friendships, ... etc. While I realize it should make no difference what others think, I know that I would probably think it was "weird" if another man were to change their last name. I also worry about future job and rental applications making me look sketchy.

I'm hoping someone else has some direct or indirect experience with this and might be able to offer advice on how best to ease the transition. Also any advice on the process itself are welcome. Thanks.

[My offspring isn't in grade school yet. Wife is in school switching careers.]

What is my special purpose?

Anonymous — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 14:15:31 -0800

Given the description of my education, accomplishments, and interests, what career would suit me? I am a neuroscience Ph.D. and have been a professor and jack-of-all trades at a small, private pharmaceutical company. I am not excelling, by either my personal standards or career-type metrics. Basically, I feel frustrated. I work hard but my boss (CEO), though incredibly approachable, does not give direct praise or criticism so even when I ask directly I get zero feedback. I know, both by my standards and intuition, I'm not excelling and want MORE. More challenge, more fulfillment, more "this is what I was born to do!"

Perhaps this is a ridiculous fantasy. I have just never felt that I was in the "right" career. I currently earn a bit over six figures, for which I am terribly grateful, but feel I could be more passionate and earn much more if I were in the right spot.

I hope the MeFi community can suggest some ideas regarding what I would excel doing. I realize that's kinda ridiculous online, but in describing my interests I hope someone will say, "I know, she should be a XXXX!!"

If anyone has been in this situation previously, please let me know how you worked it out to get your dream-ish job. I do believe in positive visualization and have been practicing that.

My interests/talents:
- I read faster than anyone I know. I love to read fiction.
- I am a nutrition and exercise junkie (not my neuroscience specialty, which was drugs). I obsessively read nutrition and exercise sites and blogs.
- I love AskMeFi. I would love to run an advice column like it.
- I love intellectual discussion and read the Economist religiously.
- I run marathons but am not fast.
- I am a total extrovert and people person.
- I enjoy the medical liaison side of pharma. I like talking science and reading about a topic in medicine.
- I have always dreamed of living abroad (ex-U.S.)
- I am married but my husband will move with me if the price is right.
- I have always been convinced that if I get the right idea I will make millions. Ha?
- I am willing to work hard.
- I need a passion for my work.
- I have done drugs/partied so CIA/FBI/diplomatic service is probably out.

Anyone have any suggestions? I realize this is a total long shot but I don't know what my special purpose* is! Thanks for considering my question.

*Not that one - I figured that out, thanks.

Should I tell my boss that I'm planning to move on?

Anonymous — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 07:10:45 -0800

I'm looking for specific guidance (based on experience or intuition) about whether or not to tell my boss that I am planning a career transition--and whether/how to approach the boss about helping me find a job that will better suit my talents, interest and ambitions. I've known for quite a while that the culture at my firm and my role specifically were not an ideal fit, but now (after 2 years here) I'm ready to do something about it.

I'm actively seeking a new career (ideally consulting non-profit and public sector organizations on policy, management or communications). I'm applying to only the most relevant positions and starting to network to identify firms, positions and people with similar interests.

So the question that just struck me this morning: "What if I networked through my current employer?"

My managing director has made clear that he wants to talk to people who are thinking about leaving in order to help them identify ways to make them happier--here or at another job. And then there's the mere fact of the firm's wide and deep contacts in government, politics and other elite DC circles--which could be valuable resources for making a more efficient transition.

So does anyone have experience with telling a boss that they're planning to leave and/or soliciting a boss's help in networking or identifying a new role outside of the company?

Name change for a minor when contested by father?

mezzanayne — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 13:20:29 -0800

I want to change my son's middle name. Babydaddy ain't having it. I'm in the state of Kansas, Douglas county. I have a 2-year-old son whose middle name I wish to change from that of the birth father to that of my recently deceased father. My son's father hasn't been very involved in our son's life and currently sees him for just 1 hour a week by court order. I wish to honor my father by changing my son's middle name to his.

The father refuses to sign the VS211 Paternity Consent Form for Birth Registration and contests the change of name so I submitted a Petition for Change of Name of Minor with my local district court and retained an attorney. We've gone to hearing but the judge stated that she didn't think that the courts had jurisdiction over a middle name change, only surname, and that there was no precedence of a parent contesting a middle name change. My attorney hasn't been able to find precedence either. The Kansas Office of Vital Statistics says that the only way to change my son's name is via signed VS211 or court order. How can I get my son's name changed?

-The current change of name case is in continuance with the date yet to be determined.
-My son's father's name is on the birth certificate.
-My son's father and I were never married but paternity has legally been established.
-A permanent custody schedule has not yet been determined but is pending with a hearing scheduled for next month. The temporary orders give me full legal and residential custody with supervised visitation for the father.
-The judge who is hearing the name change case has ruled that the change of name and custody cases are unrelated and will be ruled upon separately.

Thanks for any guidance offered. Responses will not be considered to be legal advice.

Can Outlook attachments change themselves?

youngergirl44 — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 13:39:07 -0800

Is it possible for an email attachment in Outlook to 'update' itself from a network drive? My attachment is not the same now as it was when I first received and viewed it. My company uses Word documents with embeded Excel objects. These documents are saved on a network drive, then emailed to me as an attachment using Outlook. When I get the email, I open the attachment, print the document, and close out of the attachment and message. I do not make or save any changes to the document or the email message.

If I find any problems with the printed document, I'll reply to the sender and tell them what I think should be changed. Then they'll send back a revised document - it has the same filename as the original document.

This has happened twice: I'll get a 'revised' document on which the Excel object does not appear to have been changed. I'll ask the sender, and they insist the changes have been made.

If I open the document from its location on the network drive I see that the sender is correct and the revisions have been made. If I close the network document and then open the attachment again, the changes are there and I cannot go back to what I originally saw (no changes).

Why would the attachment be 'updating' from the network drive instead of remaining as originally sent to me? Does it have something to do with the temporary Outlook files in the OLK folder?

Other perhaps relevant points:
* The embedded objects are not linked to a separate Excel workbook. They have either been copied from an external workbook or created within the Word document.
* I'm running Windows XP Professional SP3 and Office 2003 and I kinda assume everyone else is too.
* My boss receives the same email and attachment I do, but often doesn't open the message or attachment. I asked him to look at one I was having problems with earlier today - his attachment showed the updated version of the file.
* I know for sure I did not open an older email and print the wrong version of the document.
* My computer is always connected to the network drive on which the documents are saved.

This is making me look crazy because I keep asking the sender of these documents to make changes that have already been made.

Am I Selfish?

Anonymous — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 13:33:51 -0800

I have just broken up with my girlfriend, because I can't change. Can you help? This is a complicated topic, which I've tried to keep concise. Thanks in advance for reading!

I've just got back from the airport after one of the worst days of my life. My girlfriend has broken up with me.

Let me give you the (brief) background. We have been going out for three years. It has mostly been a long-distance relationship (me in England, her in Germany), but we have always managed to speak for an average of an hour every day on the phone, and visit each other at least every month.

The long-distance thing has been a strain at times, both on our finances and our time. We are both students (I'm 21, she is 20) and every period of free time (e.g. summer, easter and christmas holidays) has been divided between her place and mine. This has been at the expense of other things like holidays with friends, and time with our families.

The first time I can remember her talking about us having problems was about a year ago – she said that we would likely break up if I didn't start changing my priorities. Last year was my first year of university, and I was mostly concerned with making new friends, and going out and partying. I made time for our phone conversations, but sometimes I guess I did see the calls as a little more of a task than a pleasure – when my friends were doing something, I wanted to hang out with them, and shift the calls until later. When she came to visit though, we had a lot of fun, and enjoyed each other's company. This year, I think I've improved in this regard – partying has moved down my list of priorities, and she has in turn become more relaxed/flexible about our phone calls.

Over the last 6 months, however, things between us have been getting worse. Probably the main reason for this is what I affectionately call my “forgetfulness”. When asked to do something, especially by her, I mostly forget to do it entirely, or do it in the wrong way. For example, when she asked me to get a card for her dad's birthday, I said I would get it later, but then completely forgot about it. Or, on a recent trip, she asked me to bring some stuff from our hotel room. I brought too many bags as I wasn't sure which ones to get. This doesn't sound like much, but when this is happening literally 95% of the time, it obviously got to wearing her down, and making her think I didn't care about her.

I also am quite a passive person, something I think I got from my parents, who also avoid confrontation. When in an uncomfortable situation, I am not very likely to stand up for myself. She, on the other hand, is a strong personality – she stands up for herself, is outgoing, and loves to organise things, but she actually has little self-discipline. My passivity came across in our relationship when she would need my help, either to make her do something (e.g. study for her exams) or to help her with something (e.g. organise a holiday for us). I did not feel comfortable giving advice or telling her to do something, as I thought that she would be far better at organising than I am, and far more perceptive when it came to people. Now, I have got slowly, slowly better at standing up for myself. But the other problems are still there.

She has given me two deadlines in the past two months, saying that she wanted to see a definite change in me if we were to stay together. Both deadlines came, and went, and I hadn't changed. What did I do to change? I wrote what I wanted to change down on a list (Be confident, Take care of her, and be someone to look up to) and looked at it every other day. Then I tried to remember to be/do those things.

She arrived here, in England, about 10 days ago. On the first few days we had big arguments, mainly about me forgetting to do things, or, one time choosing to go out with my friends as I forgot that we'd discussed it and agreed to stay in together that night. We talked about it and agreed that when the end of her stay came (today) we would break up, as I'd shown her that I hadn't changed.

After that talk, we had very few (if any) arguments. We had a fun week, doing everything a couple should do, and trying to forget that I hadn't changed. This was not too difficult, as we have always got on well, apart from the arguments, and we fit well together.

Today, before she left (tearful and heartbreaking – we spent the last few hours just hugging), she gave me a few pieces of advice. 1. Don't follow other people – make up your own mind, and don't assume that they know better than you. 2. Try to look at arguments/situations from the perspective of a third person. That way you can more easily see it objectively. 3. Take responsibility for things – she said the reason that we were breaking up is because I had not changed, despite the fact that changing was entirely in my power.

This last one puzzled me, as I have obviously never wanted to be passive, or shirk responsibility, or not take care of her – it wasn't as if this was a concious choice not to change. I asked her about it. She said that my main problem was that deep down I was selfish.

She said that my forgetfulness came from not really caring or paying attention to what people were saying, because I had no real interest in it. i.e. when she told me to get the bags from the hotel, I didn't listen too closely. If she asked me to pack the car and I did it wrong, it was because I hadn't watched her packing it before – I didn't have a real interest in how she liked to have her car packed. (These are fairly trivial examples, but I hope they illustrate my point.) I hadn't changed because I had no real interest in doing so.

I would love to get back together with her (and from what she said, she would take me back), but I realise that my perspective may be a little skewed now having just experienced the break up. Objectively, it may give us a chance to see if the relationship is what we both want in the long-term, or whether we were just accepting it because this is what we've known over the last 3 years. Also, if I go back to her and I haven't changed, it will just hurt her all over again.

So this is where you, dear reader, come in. What I am hoping to do is change myself. I recognise that I have been selfish (not just with her, but also in dealings with my family as well) and I do not want to be like that any more. I want to be more analytical, more confident, and less selfish. Can you help me by giving your perception of the situation? Am I selfish/immature? If so, how can I work on myself to make me less selfish?

I realise this is a long post. If you've got this far, I'm so glad you stuck with me. I really appreciate it. Feel free to ask for any clarification you want, and bookmark this page as I will be updating the post as things progress!

Thanks in advance for your help.

I'm not the man I used to be...

sam and rufus — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 11:45:15 -0800

How long will it does it take for all the cells in my body to die then regenerate? The question I am really asking is from a specific point, say, NOW, how long will it be before my physical body is composed of a completely new set of cells?

Just won the lay-off lottery

GIRLesq — Sun, 31 May 2009 15:16:35 -0800

Just got laid off. Don't HAVE to work for about a year. I could hit the pavement hard and try to get right back into lawyering or I could pretty much do whatever I want. What would you do? I wouldn't mind getting into something more creative like restoring furniture or becoming a chef of sorts. I can afford to do a long internship right now. So you've got about 12 months of bills paid freedom ahead of you -- how do you use it? Keep in mind that I am not rich -- just got my essentials covered for about a year.

GET UP ALREADY

Anonymous — Mon, 18 May 2009 20:05:17 -0800

How do you snap yourself out of a temporary, but fairly deeply depressed state in order to accomplish tasks at hand? I have been feeling very depressed for the last month. I know myself well enough to be pretty sure it is temporary, but lately I've been really struggling with turning off the computer, going to the gym, eating well and getting things done. I have been unemployed/uninsured for several months now. In two weeks I'm moving back to my home city where I will find a good job, but whose population and cramped space I'm not quite ready to go back to, and leaving a tiny job-less city where I have a quiet life that I'm sad to leave in some ways. And that's the purgatory I am currently stuck in. It's all very bittersweet.

I'm leaving things I love (cheap, spacious, beautiful apt - my sanctuary - and also selling my car). And leaving things that are really painful (unemployment, friends have left/are leaving). And I'm moving on to things that are scary and less than ideal (homeless for a month or two; small, cramped, expensive apt eventually; loss of car) but I know I will be fine in a couple months.

So I know logically things are OK. I have a plan. I just CANNOT follow through with it for the life of me. I am extremely lonely here in this tiny city, made worse by visits home where I have friends, family, job prospects. I come back to this apt I love and hate to leave, worry about money, and just get really depressed, like I've never been.

I have two weeks to pack up my apt, get things into storage and secure a couch to sleep on. I know that I will get it done, no question, but I do NOT want to be paralyzed and upset for the next two weeks and leave it all to the last minute. I'm just so mad at myself for getting to this point and for not taking care of myself the way I need to. I occasionally feel a glimmer of motivation, but it's fleeting. I really don't have anyone here to even help me pack. It's just me, my computer, and my apt waiting to be boxed up.

So I'm looking for specific ways to motivate myself to face all of this insanity and start getting things done. What kinds of things do you do or say to yourself when you are in the moment of feeling paralyzed? How do you force yourself to get up and start on really difficult, emotionally-charged tasks?

It's just so much easier said than done.

Recommend Career Coach in Seattle

matildaben — Thu, 07 May 2009 10:15:31 -0800

I need recommendations for a career coach or career counselor in the Seattle area. I'm in my mid-40s, just got laid off for the 5th time throughout my 13 years in the web/tech industry, and have been thinking for a few months that I need a change, but I don't know what my next move is. I think I want more meaning in my work life instead of just going through the motions building the next widget for synergistic end to end solutions or some other corporate B.S. I don't just want a career counselor who will give me a bunch of tests and say "you should be a journalist or a librarian or whatever", I really want someone who will help me figure out how to be more fulfilled in my work life.

Back to school, for a different career... in Europe

janek — Sun, 03 May 2009 11:31:09 -0800

After one year of getting BSc and working in the field, I'd like to switch careers and re-locate from Canada. Are there any schools in Europe that would take in foreign students interested in cartography? I have been working as a web developer since 17, I am now 25. I am sick of web development and had epiphanies after epiphanies about doing other things with my life, especially now that I'm quarter-century old. (Quickie background info) I figure map-making is one area I can go into... (others are marine navigation, electrician, librarian technician). I do have familial obligations so I'm sticking with the more "stable" career choices.

I really yearn to live in Europe, doesn't matter which country exactly. I have beginners background in Swedish, Dutch when I visited the country, and French from highschool. There's also Japanese that I taught myself on and off since highschool 6 years ago. Basically I know I'm going to be a keen learner and adapt once plopped into something (as with rugby and dragonboating).

Are there such schools with a program in cartography (or its parent, geography) for someone like me? I don't care if it's a trades school, undergraduate, or masters... as long as what I learn will earn proper income and in the process, be in a totally different culture from the one I spent my formulative years in.

(And yes, I do like maps.)

Career help

Jaebez — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 02:01:27 -0800

I'm 34 living in Tokyo and have been teaching English conversation for the last six years, but I've realized this may be a dead-end career. Need help on figuring out career change options. I have a MA in political science. Any suggestions or advice are greatly appreciated.

Name Change Help

Juicylicious — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 07:54:56 -0800

I hate my married name. I had a beautiful given name. I was the only person in the US with my name. It was phonetically easy and rolled off the tongue. I received compliments constantly. Then I got married.

At the time, my husband had what I considered a beautiful name - San Nicolas. He failed to disclose what a pita it is.

I was 45 y.o. and had never been married before. I took his name because I thought it was nice and unique. I have learned to hate it.

This name is constantly misspelled and mispronounced. I am in the military and have a 1" x 5" name tape over my right boob and yet people will still write down my name incorrectly. I get called "Saint" constantly. People always put an "h" in the middle and often drop the second "a" = Nichols. Spelling it over the phone makes my blood pressure soar. No one seems to understand the "you know, it's like San Francisco, San Diego, San Antonio" reference. The usual response is "hyphenated?" Argh!!!!

Worse yet, the Army personnel system does not recognize blank spaces. Although my ID card is correct, I just learned the pay system and security system have me named "Nicolas San." That is going to be a nightmare to fix.

I held out changing some of my personal accounts, but due to travel, I just had to change my passport, leaving my social security account and library card as the last hold outs.

I've approached my husband about returning to my maiden name several times. I've pleaded, reasoned, conjoled and attempted bribery. He steadfastly refuses to agree to a name change. I've offered to move his name over to my middle name and replace my last name. I've offered to hyphenate it, which would be even worse than now, but my thought was that I could drop the San Nicolas for all practicle purposes. All were no gos.

I need to figure out a way to convince him that I should go back to my maiden name or find a compromise. Some way that I could keep his name, but not use it.

Please help.