Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with caregiving

How can one learn to be more patient and kind with an elderly family member who has a difficult personality?

mintchip — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 15:34:30 -0800

How can one learn to be more patient and kind with an elderly family member who has a difficult personality? I have an elderly family member who I've always had a very hard time getting along with. We've always been like oil and water. We just don't mix. She is pretty similar to Tony's mom on the Sopranos: negative, hostile and set in her ways.

However, as she gets older it's come upon family members such as myself to become caregivers. The struggle comes from caring for someone for whom I never cared much and who I feel bad when I'm around.

How can I learn to be above these difficult feelings? I'd like to be more patient and learn to be loving even when I feel that this isn't returned. I'm wondering what has worked for others and if you have any specific techniques or suggestions. Thanks.

How can I help a friend who will be undergoing chemotherapy and radiation treatment for the next few months?

Vorteks — Thu, 25 Oct 2007 08:47:26 -0800

My friend's wife is recovering from breast cancer. They removed the tumor a couple weeks ago, and they found no sign that the cancer had spread to the lymph system. She's expected to make a full recovery. But in order to kill any remaining cancer cells, for the next 2 months she'll be undergoing chemotherapy, and then 1 month of radiation therapy afterwards. What can I do to make life easier and/or lift the spirits of her and her husband? I'm looking for suggestions for gifts or other things I can do that might be of practical help to both her and her husband. Her basic needs are being met. Her mother is staying with her and cooking meals, shopping, doing laundry, etc. I'm wondering if there's something I can do to help take her mind off the problem, cheer her up, or maybe help with the symptoms in some small way. I'd also like to help my friend (her husband) deal with seeing his wife in pain. I've thought about giving DVDs/books/sudoku, things like that. I'm not sure about her taste in entertainment though.

I'm not sure what the symptoms of her treatment will be, except that she's said she'll lose her hair. Being male, there's a limit to how much I can help with things like that, but I'd like to anticipate other problems and give things that might help. (For example, when a different friend was undergoing treatment that made their hands stiff, I included one of those squeezey stress balls in her care package). Failing that, I'd like to do anything that might cheer them up.

If anyone had any suggestions for something I can do to make life easier or lift the spirits of both husband and wife, I'd really like to hear them! Thanks in advance.

How do I support my SO with MS?

golden_lady — Tue, 15 Aug 2006 14:13:59 -0800

I'm in the early stages of a new relationship with a man who has MS. He is having a hard time dealing with his illness and is incredibly depressed. How can I be supportive to without be patronizing or overbearing? Recently, I reconnected with a friend I had not seen in 6 years, and we have started dating. In the interim, he was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis - about 2 years ago.

His experiences so far have been less than good. His S.O. at the time of his diagnosis broke up with him because she couldn't handle it. He lost a job (retail) about 9 months ago because he had an episode and spent two weeks in bed, and hasn't worked since. He lives with his father, who seems to think his son is not sick - just lazy. His insurance will not cover the cost of drug therapy, and his father's income means he cannot get subsidized Copaxone (though his father makes little to no contribution to his living expenses).

It's been difficult, because he is determined that I not worry about him. After a recent doctor's appointment, he fell into a deep depression and got blazing drunk. He told me that I shouldn't waste my time with him, that I deserved better than to tie myself to him, that all he would do is drag me down. Afterwards he didn't remember what he said, but I did.

I've been reading up on MS, learning what I need to know. I ask him questions or make suggestions: Has he looked into Medicare? What about working in a call center where he wouldn't have to be on his feet? Maybe he shoudl look into going back to school? How is he feeling today? Slowly he has opened up to me, but my suggstions a generally brushed off. He seems to have no hope of ever leading a "normal" life.

I really care about this man. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him. But at the same time I want to help him. He's done counseling and anitdepressants in the past, and he's reluctant to go down that road again. What can I do to help him? I don't want it to seem like I'm nagging him, but at the same time I see so much potential in him - so many things he could do and accomplish. How do I make it clear that I'm not disappointed in him as he is now (he tends to jump to that conclusion based on past experiences) - that honestly I love him just the way he is - but that there's so much more he can do?