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Talking to children about a parent's depression as a non-family caregiver.

Felicity Rilke — Wed, 27 May 2009 19:54:29 -0800

How do you talk to young children about a parent's depression? I began providing childcare this week for the five-year-old son of a woman I know through one of my local drop-in centres. She is suffering from severe depression and is unable to care for her son. Dad works long days and isn't entirely equipped to step in as primary caregiver, which is why I am helping out.

I am uncertain how much the boy knows/has been told about his mom's illness. He knows that mommy is sad, he knows that she's been in the hospital. This morning when I was getting him ready for school, he asked why his mom wasn't there to say goodbye (the previous two mornings, she got up to give him a hug and kiss before he left). I explained that she needed to spend a little time with her doctors so they could help her feel better (this is her second hospitalization in a little more than a week). He accepted this and moved on to another subject without any questions, which worries me more than if he asked about it.

I know that the kid is scared and confused about what's happening. His behaviour is changed (he's not acting out, rather, he's on his best behaviour, which is unusual since he generally has a healthy amount of the naughty). Since he's spending the majority of his waking hours with me, I'd like to know how I should talk to him about what's going on. Should I encourage discussion or wait until he brings it up? How much information should I give him? What do I tell him when he asks when his mom will be back?

The facilitator of the drop-in centre is arranging for a school social-worker to help out, but I don't know how long that will take to get in place. In the meantime, I'd like to know what I can do to help the boy understand and adjust to this situation.

(Any advice on how to help support the mother as she goes through this is also appreciated.)

Parent Filter: What can I do about this parent/child role reversal that is poisoning my mind and my life and how can I let this parent know that even though I love them dearly I will not continue to let them manipulate me and dump all of their responsibilities on to my plate???

Anonymous — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 17:36:49 -0800

Parent Filter: What can I do about this parent/child role reversal that is poisoning my mind and my life and how can I let this parent know that even though I love them dearly I will not continue to let them manipulate me and dump all of their responsibilities on to my plate??? Long story short, my widowed mother (who is young by definition - late sixties) let her life go to hell in a hand basket. My DH and I moved her in with us so that we could give her care and keep her from living the horrible existence that she was (dirty house, unable to take care of the pets she had, not eating right - living off of crap - and not managing her severe diabetes). When we moved her in with us, my DH and I were both 27 years old and had only been married for 5 months. That was over 3 years ago.

She doesn't give a damn about her health and always has a convenient excuse to justify what she feels like doing or not doing. She almost put herself in a diabetic coma once because she didn't manage her diabetes even though the doctor had clearly ordered her to do so. Obviously it is perfectly fine to eat a huge tin of peppermint bark that you had hidden in your room and then try to balance it out with insulin injections.... Right! And she has so many health conditions (osteoarthritis, obesity, fibromyalgia, SEVERE diabetes and the many complications that are resulting from the diabetes) not to mention her appalling lack of self-maintenance and personal hygiene... Two months ago, she fell and broke her leg. She wound up in the hospital and had to have surgery to repair the break. This has left her as non-weight bearing for 3 months. She is obese and cannot walk without a walker when she has two legs to walk on. So she has had to go to a nursing home until she can rehabilitate but has been very unhappy about that reality and has tried to get out of the rehab requirement on more than one occasion. She actually told my husband and I that she would be fine if she would just sit at home in her recliner while we went to work and if we made her some PBJ sandwiches and a glass of water so she could make it through the day until we got home. This is crazy... We told her no and I don't think she gets it.....

She has alienated my other siblings through her master manipulator bullshit and as a result I have lost one of my siblings (no longer speaks to my mother or myself) and the other is only helping out/sticking around because they love me and want to support me/not leave me hanging. My mother has nothing to do all day long but sit around and read trashy novels, but somehow she can't seem to manage making her own doctor appointments (even though I set up a HIGHLY convenient calender which has everyone's schedule on it - hence eliminating the excuse of 'I can't make appointments since I don't know what your schedules are and someone has to take me to the doctor). Did I forget to mention that she quit driving for no particular reason?

My husband and I have REPEATEDLY sat down with her and told her that her current situation and methodology in handling it has been unacceptable. Take a shower, change your clothes, wash your hair, eat right, exercise wherever and however you can, and for the love of god, start acting like a member of the living human race!!! Now last time I checked, she was not declared mentally incompetent and I was not appointed as her guardian. In my mind, this means that my family and I do what we need to do in order to make her life at home comfortable within reason. This does not mean that I am supposed to be her personal assistant/secretary and that she can just sit back and be the Queen of Sheba with no responsibilities what so ever. It also does not mean that she can just sit there and let herself be filthy and stink just because it takes so much effort to take a shower. And god forbid she does take that shower and clean herself up! Then she can't do anything for the rest of the day because it "took so much out of" her...

Yes, I am at fault for allowing this behavior to go on for as long as I have. But I have had my awakening and I also have a infant son who needs his mother since he is in fact a baby and cannot take care of himself. Therefore here are the questions that I have at hand:

# 1 - How can I convey that I am done catering to her, that she is an adult and needs to be responsible for herself and that I am invoking the protective shield of self-preservation immediately?

#2 - Once I have established the bare minimum requirements for her, how do enforce them? I know that one thing I can use is "if you don't/can't meet these expectations then we aren't equipped to take care of you anymore". The only problem with that is that it will become an empty threat if used too much. What other repercussions can I use?

# 3 - How can I break free of her manipulation of me through guilt? I need to rid myself of those shackles in order to be strong and not allow further mind games by the master manipulator.

Please feel free to e-mail me with any questions that you might have or any suggestions you can offer. I've set up a throw-away email address at: preserving.my.sanity@gmail.com

Nursing Home/ Hair Care Filter: How can I wash her hair without actually washing it?

lrkuperman — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 08:42:03 -0800

Nursing Home/ Hair Care Filter: How can I wash her hair without actually washing it? Is it possible to help my bedridden mother keep her hair clean without washing it? Long story short, my mom who is mobility impaired fell down about a month ago; she broke her leg and badly bruised her tail bone in the process. The break was bad enough to require surgery and now she is bedridden for the next 2 months. Until 2 weeks ago she was in the hospital which fortunately had a on site salon which provided in room/ in bed services such as shampoo and style for a nominal fee. For the time being she is in a nursing home, recovering from her surgery and waiting for her leg to heal. So until she can bear weight on that leg and begin rehabilitation they (the nursing home staff) are giving her bed baths but they do not do anything about her hair.

How can I keep her hair clean for 2 months without actually being able to wash it? I've heard of dry shampoos but I am under the impression that it is not a long term solution. Am I wrong in this assumption? Also if dry shampoo is the answer to this conundrum, where would I find it and which brand should I get?

How can one learn to be more patient and kind with an elderly family member who has a difficult personality?

mintchip — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 15:34:30 -0800

How can one learn to be more patient and kind with an elderly family member who has a difficult personality? I have an elderly family member who I've always had a very hard time getting along with. We've always been like oil and water. We just don't mix. She is pretty similar to Tony's mom on the Sopranos: negative, hostile and set in her ways.

However, as she gets older it's come upon family members such as myself to become caregivers. The struggle comes from caring for someone for whom I never cared much and who I feel bad when I'm around.

How can I learn to be above these difficult feelings? I'd like to be more patient and learn to be loving even when I feel that this isn't returned. I'm wondering what has worked for others and if you have any specific techniques or suggestions. Thanks.

how to get a paying job while still serving as an unpaid, live-in caretaker for a family member?

lovecrafty — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 17:04:59 -0800

What can I do to find a job when I've been out of the traditional workforce for several years? Of course, there's more to it than that. The situation: I am currently my grandmother's live-in caretaker--I went straight from grad school to this. She needs someone to be with her almost all the time. She's reasonably healthy physically (for 86), so she doesn't need much help with things like bathing or eating, but she does need a lot of company and help remembering things, especially in the evenings. Moving out is not an option--I want her to be able to live in her house for as long as possible, and there are some other family members who do not feel the same way. (That could be a whole other question someday.)

When I first moved in, I had some money I'd inherited from my great-grandmother (other side of the family). But now that's all gone, and I need to find work. Problem is, I've been out of the workforce for five years and haven't got any current references that aren't relatives. I've completely lost touch with all of my friends and former co-workers.

I've recently started volunteering at a few places that are related to my graduate degree (MLIS), which will hopefully be useful later on. But right now, I am having a very hard time finding even a temporary or part-time thing. I'd just like to be able to contribute to the household funds and still be able to be with my grandmother in the evenings, at least.

I'm finding this job hunt to be very disheartening, especially since I never had much trouble finding jobs before. Coupled with the stress of caregiving, I'm really starting to feel depressed. I need some good, solid advice on what I can do to improve my chances for getting a (daytime, part-time to maybe full-time) job.

So, any advice from people who have re-entered the job force after a few years 'off' would be great. Also, any ideas on how to explain the work 'gap' on my resume would be good.

How can we thank the caregivers?

jorlando — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 23:53:33 -0800

My Mother passed away last week. She was 84 and spent her last days with hospice care and a few additional professional caregivers that were needed to ease the process. The caregivers were extraordinary compassionate people and our family is grateful for their presence. We only knew them for about 2 weeks but would like to do something extra for them now to show our appreciation for their caring and skill.

I'm looking for suggestions as to what might be appropriate.

Thanks

Is it possible to hire a foreign caregiver?

bhays — Wed, 07 Mar 2007 23:25:28 -0800

Is it possible to hire a foreign caregiver for my grandparents (USA) who need a live-in caregiver? They have had limited success over the years with local agencies and various care givers. I currently live in Taiwan, and have noticed that many of the elderly here have live-in caregivers from assorted S.E. Asian countries. The quality of help they receive seems to be better on average.

I suppose this all comes down to an immigration issue, but I haven't had much luck in searching for info.

Thanks!

Post-surgery meals recovering from colon cancer surgery

desuetude — Wed, 20 Sep 2006 08:54:17 -0800

My mom was recently diagnosed with colon cancer, and is scheduled for a lower anterior resection of her colon next week. Help me plan meals for the first week post-surgery! More details:

CT scan showed no metastasis, so we're not dealing with any chemo or radiation issues, just recovery from the surgery. She's in her early 70s and in generally good health. She is, however, pretty scared about surgery, and I expect that despite all best efforts, her spirits will be very low during those first few days when she can't move around too much.

I'm staying with my folks for a few days after she's discharged from the hospital. I live a couple of hours away, so aside from the day or two I'll be taking off late next week, I can only be there on weekends. She prepares all meals for herself and my dad -- he will not be doing anything in the way of cooking. I may be able to get him to heat up leftovers for them, though.

I'm not finding much on specific dietary recommendations post-surgery. I know that she'll be able to eat solid foods by the time she gets home. I know that she'll need to avoid fruits and vegetables while she heals from surgery. Need I avoid all foods high in fiber to minimize discomfort and complications during healing? Are beans/lentils okay? Oatmeal? Is some fruit juice okay?

Will GI-stimulating ingredients like ginger or other spices help or harm, if used in small amounts to provide some flavor? I want to make meals as flavorful as possible, and she's used to eating a lot of fruits and vegetables, so any way to get fresh flavors into food is good. I'm planning to make some infused grapeseed oil (parsley, cilantro, etc.) to use as seasoning. Already planning to pick up some good yogurt to help restore her digestion.

I would love, love, love to hear from those who have cared for someone post-resection or had this surgery.

Gifts we can make for daycare caregivers?

chr1sb0y — Sat, 05 Nov 2005 04:34:16 -0800

What can we make to give as x-mas/holiday gifts to 6 "floater" daycare staff who take care of our kids sometimes, without breaking the bank? Or alternatively, what can we buy them for 10-15 bucks each that is nice and/or useful? Each child (ages 2 and 5) has 2 fulltime caregivers in their room, but this year there are about 6 additional "floater" staff members who help out, fill in on sick days etc. who we really feel deserve something too, to show our appreciation. In the past we have given 25 dollar gift cards (to Target or B&N) plus a heartfelt notes of thanks to each fulltime caregiver - nothing for floaters. (2 x 2 x $25 = $100) This sometimes feels like a lot (more than we spend on some family members), until we remember that these folks are taking care of our kids, and we know they don't make much - even though the center has very low turnover and so likely pays better than some. And compared to our monthly daycare bill, it's nothing. And we know it's more than many of the other parents give (mostly professional/upper middle class). But I don't think we can do $25 x 10 this year. So, any useful craft/gift ideas that we can put together? Oh, and feel free to tell me we're cheapskates, or whatever...

Helping Bedridden Sister

dhoyt — Sat, 04 Sep 2004 23:48:19 -0800

My pregnant sister is currently experiencing placenta previa, which means she will require total bedrest for the next six weeks until the baby (her first) is delivered caesarean. Additionally her husband is undergoing both chemo and radiation for throat cancer until November. This means they will both be incapacitated for awhile....(MI) Obviously this is a very extreme emotional hurdle for all of us in the family. I will probably live out at their house for at least two weeks just to help with basic domestic needs.

What's difficult is that my sister Jennifer is very active and motivated and cannot bear to sit in bed all day, much less while her husband is suffering. So my question is:

What are some good ways to alleviate the boredom & frustration?

I've brought her scads of DVDs and books and magazines, but there's got to be other things. Card games, board games, etc. This is very emotionally tough for her for a billion reasons and it's important to keep things light for the next six weeks while both her unborn child's, and husband's, lives are the balance.