Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with bullying

How can I resist the temptation to despair?

Anonymous — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 16:45:30 -0800

How can I resist the temptation to despair as I get older and still find myself unable to break consistent patterns of frustration in my work and personal life? (long) I am 39 years old and have just had the first successful year of my life in terms of career. After struggling for nearly two decades in boring, low-level jobs that didn't pay enough to enable me to move out of the family home, I entered a new field and did a hell of a lot of work with a hell of a lot of objective and measurable output to show for it. I had excellent feedback all year, mostly from my boss, but also from others.

Better still, I had enough pay and financial benefits to support myself into the future and, a couple of weeks ago, I finally paid off the debts I ran up over the two preceding years when I spent more time looking for work than I did actually working (and during which the cost of going to work was only slightly less than I earned).

I was looking forward to building on my successful year career-wise, and storing up some savings. I thought that finally I would be able to afford to go out once a week and maybe, with any luck, eventually meet someone special.

The only problem (as far as I knew) was that the job was very draining and exhausting, largely because of my boss's management style. She does things at the last minute and characteristically leaves us working towards externally imposed hard deadlines (i.e. the team won't get paid if they're not met) with insufficient time to meet them. She is always unresponsive to appeals for better time management and on one occasion I worked myself into exhaustion, such that I passed out and hit my head.

Over the last couple of months I became weepy and had to stay home sick a couple of days because of uncontrollable crying. I also couldn't force myself to work as fast as usual and had to work longer hours to compensate, meaning I got less and less sleep. I attributed this to the feelings stirred up by a colleague who had just moved on to a new job, but not before toying with my emotions quite severely while simultaneously making it clear that he was unavailable. This led to my thinking about what I still longed for in life that I couldn't have.

Not only this, but it was especially painful because I'd had no inkling that he was attracted to me and mutual attraction is something that has never happened before in my entire life. Yes, you read that right - not ever. I'm attracted to very very few people, and that, combined with geographical isolation (for economic reasons) and my ASD has basically meant a lifetime of utter singleness. There are men I could have dated, but they always seemed to me to have something glaringly undesirable about them. I often thought that perhaps I should have forced myself to go out with them even though I wasn't interested in them, but my instincts invariably turned out to be right. So I guess I'm glad I trusted my instincts but still... no relationships for me. (And I'm sure plenty of people will suggest that the unavailability is the attraction, but I have considered that and I'm pretty sure it's not true.)

Anyway, because I wasn't getting any sleep or any exercise and I never knew when I might be called upon to work myself into exhaustion again, my blood pressure went up. I was given 3 months to get it down again or be taken off some medications I rely on to function every day. So I had to tell my boss I needed to exercise every day and get 7 hours' sleep a night.

Unfortunately the moment I had to tell her was immediately after she yelled at me for booking a flight that landed the night before a conference, instead of travelling for a night and a day to get there an hour before the conference, with of course a full day's work on either side. She *said* she was okay with what I needed to do... what else would she say?

Meanwhile I had to accept that my weepiness wasn't going away and I entered treatment for depression and began to improve.

Although I knew my contract could come to an end at any time, my boss always downplayed this possibility and the feedback I got from others was always that she viewed me as someone who would be around for a long time. Besides, I had just interviewed two new recruits. So it came as a big surprise when I went in for my regular weekly meeting, and after talking over "you need to debug this, enhance that, and update the other," I then got, "and by the way I have to give you notice that your contract won't be renewed."

Still I was assured that it was nothing personal, and coworkers reassured me that I was bound to get a glowing reference and that I'd have known it if anything were wrong with the quality of my work.

A couple of days later it was appraisal time. I was shocked by how negative her review was. On the one hand I had glowing emails of appreciation that I got for completing certain projects, and on the other hand, I had low scores and negative remarks for those exact same projects in the appraisal. I got disparagement for doing things that I had on record that she explicitly ordered me to do. I checked my output against the expected norms for someone at my level, over against her criticism that I should have done more. I also contacted ex-coworkers for a reality check. Having gathered the evidence I put my case that her appraisal was inconsistent with both her feedback and my actual achievements, and that if my performance had indeed been as bad as she had presented it, I should reasonably have expected to hear about it a lot sooner. I reviewed my comments for diplomacy with a third party, and hoped for the best.

Her response was a 2-hour blast of negativity with no constructive content at all (honestly - none), accompanied by demands that I delete my comments, accept hers, and sign the document. (And that I was being mean to her.) Finally she agreed that our differing opinions would be recorded.

I felt drained, but glad I had stuck to my guns. So I go in the next morning for my regular weekly meeting, have a brief task review, and then end up trapped in her office for the better part of an hour while she demands that I retract my comments and sign hers and tells me, again, all the reasons why I deserve a bad review. And that I'm being mean to her. And lying. And that I'm just not able to take constructive criticism. And that I should stop wasting time and sign it right now. She wouldn't let me leave.

I still refused to sign it, and I eventually hit on the right combination of words to get me out of her office. I waited a while for my head to stop spinning, then I collected my things and ran home.

When I dared to look in my inbox the next day I found a conciliatory message saying she was sorry the appraisal had been upsetting "for us both". I reviewed her comments and found them acceptable, and agreed to sign off.

I worked from home that day but, when I got in the next morning, the anxiety got too much and I had to go home. I tried to keep working but I got so weepy I had to call the doctor, who signed me off sick until Monday.

So... that was a long story. I'll go in on Monday and do everything possible to keep my cool. I've taken advice and am fully aware of what my rights are. I'll be trying to get home early enough to apply for at least one job per day, as horrified as I am to have to go through all that again. I have ex-coworkers who fully support me and will provide references. Two medical professionals will back me up if necessary.

That's how things are. But this is how it feels:

When my 80-year-old mother dies, that will mean the loss of my one reliable source of companionship and support. She wants to put the Christmas tree up and I can't stand to because it means one more year has gone by and for all my efforts, I have still failed at life in the most basic ways:

- although I have many good friends, I'm so non-fun that I can't get anyone to hang out with me;
- although I have demonstrable talent, all it ever seems to do for me is get me fired;
- I am going to get into debt again and am unable to support myself at the age of nearly 40;
- I will almost certainly never have children;
- although I seem to be regarded as desirable by quite a few people (including the Handsomest Boy In The Village), this doesn't result in my being any less single;
- although the Handsomest Boy In The Village evidently has feelings of some kind for me, he can't or won't act on them.

I am haunted by temptation to reach the following conclusions:
- that I can't stand to live in a world where I will never succeed for failing;
- that I can't stand to live in a world where all love is theoretical;
- that I just can't stand it.

What can I do to stop thinking these thoughts?

Mean Girls: The Prequel

Anonymous — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 08:46:48 -0800

Two weeks into the school year, and my almost-tween daughter is being antagonized by another girl in her class. I want to help her deal with it. (Apologies for length.)

The two of them rode the same bus for a year in primary school. There were some basic personality conflicts. Other Girl is fairly rowdy, My Girl is irritated by chaos.

Now, they're in all the same classes and the bus in intermediate school. And Other Girl has decided to turn things up a notch.

Other Girl deliberately sits next to My Girl's best friend on the bus -- once you sit, you can't change seats -- and then spends the entire ride rubbing it in MG's face (e.g., "I'm sitting next to your best friend Soandso and YOU CAN'T!"). Soandso is equally annoyed by this, by the way -- so it's not like they are competing for her. OG is really just doing it to upset MG.

OG also calls out to MG nastily from her lunch table, usually reiterating her smooth seating move from the bus. There was also a time when they were in a small group project and OG announced (out of the teacher's earshot, naturally) "Since MG is the smartest person in the group, SHE should do all the work so we all get it right and don't have to do it again." Infuse that sentence with the nastiest tone you can imagine. The only thing MG had the time to do before the teacher came over was say "We're all supposed to do the work, OG."

MG is bothered by all of this, even though she has friends and this doesn't really affect her relationships with them, other than Soandso being annoyed by it. MG mentions it to me daily, with little prompting. I remember what being bullied is like. I want to help her with this, and I realize that climbing on the bus myself and punching this kid is not an option.

So far: I've told MG to reply to OG's crap with relative nonchalance, i.e., act as if she hears the words but not the tone and be at least civil, if not friendly. Yet, everything I've been reading on the sly suggests direct confrontation is the better route. This came up briefly as an idea, but MG pointed out that OG will deny any accusation and then she's back at square one.

MG doesn't want me to contact her teacher about this. But if this escalates much more (and it has been escalating), I'm going to revisit that option with her. I won't do it without her knowledge and consent. The district appears to be responsive to issues like this, but I don't have any firsthand information yet.

I've looked at other AskMes under various permutations of "bully," but most of them involve physical altercations. This may never get to that point because this stuff always happens within 25 feet of an adult. Also, I'm not kidding myself into thinking she won't have to deal with some version of this again -- and why not try to get the right coping skills in place now?

(For the tl;dr crowd: These kids are nine and ten.)

Thanks for any advice or suggested reading.

Would it be a mistake to reveal these things about my past?

Anonymous — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 09:56:21 -0800

Could it be potentially damaging to my career or personal life to reveal things that I want to reveal about my past? In particular, it pertains to bullying and its effects on me. Recently, I have wanted to sort of "come out" to the world as someone who was bullied. I'm over 30 years old now, and it's long in my past (though it does have lingering effects on my behavior, they don't prevent me from functioning quite well in my career, being financially stable, etc)...

What I want to know is - could this, if tied to me personally, have negative effects on my career? My social perception amongst existing peers? New people who I might meet who may run across it? Of course, you'll need to know what I plan to reveal if you want to judge that:

I feel that I have a lot of interesting things to say in terms of the perspective of a bullied child. From the time I was in about 5th grade to the time I was 18 and finally left high school, I was bullied relentlessly. I didn't break 100lbs until I was probably 16 years old. I was short, and frail-style-skinny... I was a "smart kid", and may have come off as cocky because of my word choice, which might've brought it on even more... I spent my younger years mostly associating with adults, and therefore speaking more like an adult...

The bullying was wide ranging... The stuff you see on TV was all there - being shoved into lockers, thrown into dumpsters, having my books knocked out of my hand. However, it often went deeper than that. I couldn't feel safe walking home from school - I had bullies who'd follow me, threaten me and sometimes hit me. I couldn't trust even my friends - who turned on me for a number of years and joined in the bullying. People would play tricks to get other people to bully me - such as writing letters "from" me, "to" a bully... There was a vast amount of emotional abuse as well - daily if not hourly or even more frequent put-downs from just about everyone... I had the crap kicked out of me more than a couple of times... I pretty much spent my entire life in a brain-state of "fight or flight".

As a result, I spent most of my childhood, even as young as 10 years old, feeling suicidal. In high school, I often cut myself (even my parents do not know this) - but not to the level of a lot of "cutters"... mostly just hard scratching with a knife, enough to break the skin but not be a true "cut"...

The thing is - going away to college changed my life in unimaginably good ways, and I've since graduated and functioned well in society. I haven't felt suicidal since those high school days, and I haven't intentionally inflicted pain on myself since then, either.

There are still lingering effects - I have issues trusting people, I am extremely defensive, and I certainly have self esteem issues as it pertains to my physical appearance. However, I do just fine in my career, have been well liked at most any job I've had, etc... so I'm no longer the walking screwup I used to be...

Would revealing stuff this deep be a huge mistake? I have a great desire to write about it - especially in terms of giving people a better understanding kids who end up shooting up their schools, or killing themselves, etc etc... but I feel like it's a huge risk -- both personally and professionally...

If I do it, I don't really want to do it anonymously, and don't know how I would, anyway. I suppose I could buy a domain name and put up a blog about it and pay for anonymity, but I don't really want to "blog" about it regularly -- I'd rather it be a post on MY blog, which is about all sorts of stuff.

End goal? I'm not 100% sure, but mostly I feel I have some insight to provide that nobody's writing about. An added bonus would be hearing from / talking to people who have had similar experiences, and understanding what lasting effects they've felt in terms of their personalities, etc...

Is this a stupid idea?

Throwaway email for questions: closetbullyvictim@gmail.com

I still feel like the sad kid no one will ever like.

Anonymous — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 15:41:14 -0800

Why am I suddenly unable to stop obsessing about the childhood bullying that happened to me? I am an adult woman who experienced serious bullying from my earliest memories all the way until I graduated high school. That one kid everyone felt free to make fun of because they were so weird/had no friends to defend them/just didn't fit? That was always me.

I thought I was over it. I even convinced myself it was an advantage. I always seek out the most ill at ease person in any social situation, am friendly but not overbearing and I empathize with a lot of different perspectives. Those are all good things.

Yet lately very specific memories are catching me off guard and even though I do my best not to dwell they tumble around my head anyway. It's like it was yesterday. There's no particular reason I can see why it's cropping up again but it's frequent and each time makes me feel like I've been punched in my gut. It didn't matter what school or what group, I was always at the bottom (with all the teasing, cruel pranks and occasional physical violence that suggests) and I keep wondering why. A deep part of me feels as if those kids were rejecting me from the herd for a good reason. Aside from my partner I don't have any close friends. I basically don't have a social life. It gets harder and harder for me just to talk to people. I feel marked somehow. I know this is irrational but that doesn't stop me from thinking it.

I am on antidepressants and have done therapy but I don't think the answers are there. I don't know where they are. If you've had the same feelings and recovered from them please tell me how. If you would rather not write here you can send something to anonmeta@gmail.com. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

For the love of god, leave us alone.

_Mona_ — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 17:21:48 -0800

How can I deal with a group of neighborhood punks intent on making my kids' lives miserable? Most of the information online tells parents to involve the school administration, but this is happening right in my neighborhood -- on my very street -- not in an school setting. I recently moved into a new house with my elementary school-aged children and am frustrated that a pack of obnoxious kids bully my children every chance they get.

Since the punks are roughly the same age as mine, we initially we tried befriending them when we first moved in. I invited them over often handed out sodas, and so on, but apparently they prefer harassment over playing with the Wii and Rock Band.

In addition to yelling obscenities and verbal threats daily, they also get physical with my children -- pushing, shoving, tripping, throwing things at them, etc. I rarely let my kids venture around the neighborhood anymore, though they're old enough to do so, and instead have them play in the front or back yard. Still and yet, the kids give my children a ration of shit every chance they get, even in our own yard.

The one time I tried saying something to the kids (nicely, I didn't holler), they threw things at my house when I went back inside.

In desperation, I videotaped my kids playing in our driveway and caught the group of brats stealing their baseball equipment and even threatening my oldest boy with a bat. Through all of this, my kids kept to themselves and ignored the little cretins as I've told them to do (they don't yell back, get physical, or do anything else that might inflame the situation).

I took the tape to the parents of two different children. One claims she's reprimanding her son (though he continues to swat my kids as they walk down the street, and scream names at them). The other parent told me it wasn't his problem and he just didn't give a damn.

Out of desperation, I went to the homeowners association (I live in a fairly affluent gated community). They told me it wasn't their problem and that I could call the police if I didn't like it.

I'm literally at a loss for what to do next. I moved from my last house because the neighborhood was overrun with bullies, so I know what involving the cops will be like (they will try their best to do what they can but they won't be able to catch anyone in action, and therefore nothing will get better.)

I supervise my children, I make sure they're not up to no good when my back is turned, I've tried being nice to the bullies, I've tried going to the parents, and for the last few days we've just been ignoring them, but it's getting worse. Ignoring the situation isn't helping, and I can't stand letting my kids get screamed at and/or threatened every single freaking day.

This is really becoming a huge problem and I'm desperate for suggestions and ideas.

Do I intervene with the bullies?

Anonymous — Sun, 03 Aug 2008 13:21:06 -0800

My son may be gay. I don't think he even knows yet. He is 15 this month-entering high school. He is ADHD, funny, cute, great with kids, thoughtful, and very loud and effeminate. He's jumped into the theater/choir crowd at school (Big group- I LOVE these kids and their families!). My question is- Can or should a mom get involved with the bullying that goes on? I worry that I don't parent this child well. He is pretty obnoxious and acts inappropriately often. For instance, he's loud when he shouldn't be, acts flamboyantly when the situation calls for acting demurely. I'm telling you this first, so you will know that oftentimes, he sets himself up for trouble.
I want to support him regarding his sexual orientation, but I'm not sure how to do it. We live in the middle of the Bible Belt, and most teens that I know are gay don't come out openly.I think they know their life would be too hard.
The bullying never stops for my son. He is picked on endlessly-online, in person, in school.
He finally said to me that people were going to pick on him no matter what he does, so he's going to do what he wants.
I find myself telling him to settle down all the time. For instance, he wants to wear certain clothes. I tell him that the ribbing will get worse if he wears this or that. Should I be doing that?
For you adult gays out there, (this is only for the ones that are effeminate in nature), what do you wish your parents would have done to make your life easier? His life outside the home is sometimes a living hell and I don't know the best way to help him.
I am of the school of thought that I can't do anything about his sexual orientation, so I'm not trying to change him. I just want his high school career to go a little smoother than middle school did.

Is it possible that my stalker ex-girlfriend is joe-jobbing me?

TigerCrane — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 17:16:52 -0800

I have been the victim of a joe job. This means that spammers are putting my domains into the "reply to" of their spam messages, resulting in a barrage of auto-replies to my inbox. I am also being stalked by my ex-girlfriend. She has already vandalized my window, my car, and myspace page. She's pretty computer savvy, but I'm not aware of a method that would allow an individual (ie. not a professional spammer) to pass a domain onto a spammer. Is it possible that she is behind this?

Office bully is driving me nuts.

frosty_hut — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 12:03:55 -0800

I'm afraid of someone at work. I have a problem with a guy at work who bullies me when he's training me on a certain computer system. The first time I had to use the system, I screwed something up. This guy -- I'll call him Dick -- started yelling, "You just can't stop hitting that yellow button too early, can you? You just can't stop doing that!"

This rankled for weeks with me, but I didn't say anything to management. Last week I screwed something else up again. In my own defense, I work two jobs and I've been super tired, but it was an easy thing that I probably should have noticed and corrected. So while at job number one the other day, I got a nastygram email from Dick again: WHAT HAPPENED?

I flipped out and started crying hysterically, which I never do, and sent an email to Dick saying, Sorry, I'll do better next time. When I got to job #2 I asked to speak to our manager. This guy hired me and he likes me, and the first thing he said was, "I'm not blaming you too much for any of this. We're aware that none of you guys have had training on our system."

I told him I was at the end of my rope, that I felt targeted and scapegoated by Dick, and that I hadn't received effective training from him -- he flustered me so much during our sessions that I ended up not getting whatever it was I was supposed to have learned. I hastened to add that I didn't have a personal problem with Dick (not true, actually, but I didn't want to ruffle any feathers), and that it was just that I really needed some decent training.

My manager said that he had already paid for comapny training, but that the engineeers had been delaying setting it up for us. He said he was now going to do something about it.

I thanked him and then immediately felt bad. I've essentially bad-mouthed a co-worker to my manger, and now I'm worried. I have to work with Dick all the time. Today I have to go in there and listen to his loud voice. I keep trying to do my thing without running into him, but it's impossible the way our jobs are structured. So I'm dreading it. I just emailed him letting him know when I'm going to be in, and that he should make the studio available for me. No response. I'm terrified that the gloves are off -- that he's finally in full retaliation mode, after doing his best not to blow up at me (he may have been talked to before about a similar issue when I mentioned it to my manager's boss).

So in a nutshell: How do I handle this guy? He's always thought of me as a dumb blonde, and now I'm sure he thinks I'm a vindictive bitch on top of it. I'm so wound up -- I really feel like if he says one negative word to me today, I'm going to walk out of the job. I have a chance at a full time job at this place, and management likes me. This is the best place I've ever worked, except for Dick and his engineering co-horts -- they're the only dark cloud. I just don't know what to do, because this is one of those chance-in-a-lifetime situations. If I can stick it out here, I may be rewarded...but it may not be for months.

Why should I even be afraid of this guy? I should just go in and non-emotionally do my job and get through the day. I shouldn't be obsessing over whether people like me or not. But I can't stop worrying about it. You could say I'm actually afraid of this guy, Dick.

What attitude and behaviors around this would be the most helpful for me to have? Did I make a mistake going to my manager? I'd be grateful for any other thoughts you might have regarding this.

How can a buddhist deal with bullies without giving up practice?

rubberkey — Thu, 20 Sep 2007 13:32:58 -0800

What is a buddhist to do about bullies? I don't want to get too into the personal drama, but I'm looking for a more general answer to when I'm being bullied and taken advantage of. For the most part, I can let the suffering go and ignore, but it is consistent. My niceness is only being taken advantage of. The bullying hasn't stopped after 2 years or so of no response from me. And now people are starting to believe it. How can I deal with this or stop it without giving up my practices? I feel just sitting by and watching my reputation be ruined is not okay.
How do other people deal with this?

Bully bully.

Anonymous — Thu, 08 Mar 2007 06:55:46 -0800

How to grow a spine. If you were bullied into adulthood, but then it stopped: what happened? What did you do to change yourself and/or the perception of you by people who are prone to bullying? I am interested in specific experiences by the formerly bullied, not general platitudes I already know like, "Stand up straighter", "love yourself," etc.

(Background: raised in an abusive home; no longer tolerate bullying or exploitive relationships at the most intimate level--close friends, S.O.'s, etc--but might still give off the "scent" of one who is a good target....often still attract bullies and/or bullying in other circumstances before I'm even aware it's happening).

How to deal with disruptive university students who are determined to ruin the course and the tutors?

Anonymous — Sun, 12 Nov 2006 18:14:29 -0800

How to deal with disruptive university students who are determined to ruin the course and the tutors? The course I am teaching on has two students who's only interest in the course it seems is spoiling the experience for other students and for the teachers. Their behavior includes acts of sabotage in the class and aggressive standoffs with the tutor about trivial matters, emails to student's forums with rude comments about the teachers, semi-racist remarks (most teachers and some students are immigrants), and repeated challenging of the content of the course and the validity of the syllabus. In addition, these two keep telling other students outside classes how bad the course is, how useless for their future and they are using their influence to stop as many of the other students as possible to take active part in the learning process. In addition, they are also trying very hard to undermine the authority of the teachers. These two are mature male students, probably more articulate than most younger ones and they seem to have some influence on the others. When one or two students tried to stand up to them and speak for the course, they were excluded from student meetings, now other students prefer not to interfere.
These guys are careful not to do anything that can get them expelled, and they are clearly co-ordinating their behavior, so when one of them is disrupting the class, the other is demonstratively polite, next time they swap.
So far each one of them was invited to a discussion with senior members of the teaching team to discuss their attitude and suggest some alternatives, such as transferring to another course. They don't seem to be interested. It looks like they are taking pleasure in all the attention. The question is how to protect the rest of the class from their influence. I post anonymously for obvious reasons, but if you like to email me use this: handlewithglass@googlemail.com

I feel after-school special.

cior — Tue, 07 Feb 2006 05:46:04 -0800

I'm an adult who gets bullied on the public transit bus. There, I said it. Each morning at 6:54am I catch an hour-long bus from my house to my office. On this bus are two women (40-50's) who seemingly work all night in some sort of nursing capacity. When I get on, I usually find them sitting across the aisle from one another carrying on about one of their relatives or generally gossiping about life.

One of them, the one who sits across the aisle from me likes to open her window. Mind you, this morning it was 25F outside. From where she sits, she gets a light dusting of fresh air. From where I sit, it's an artic blast that a) farks up the newspaper I'm reading, b) throws my hair into my face and c) freezes my nose off.

I've responded to this situation by bearing it, non-confrontationally until both of the women get off the bus (at the same stop). I then, get up and close the window. This seems like a perfectly good solution to me, but for some reason it's not acceptable to them.

Last week, as they did the little dinger thing that signals for a stop (bonus question: what is that thing?) I got up and went across the aisle to close the window after they were out of their seats and towards the front of the bus. This act was met with a very loud and demeaning call-out peppered with phrases like:

Who does she think she is?
Look at Little Miss Thing
Uhn-uh, she's closing the window again.

It's truly endless, and so far I haven't acknowledged any of it.

At this point, everyone on the bus stares at me and laughs. They get off the bus feeling like queens. The window gets closed and I'm humiliated.

I'm looking for a way to shut them down and reclaim my power. How would I go about doing this? Mind you, I don't care that the window is open while they're on the bus but I'd like to be able to shut it while the bus is stopped as they're getting off, for reasons of balance.

Sitting in another seat isn't an answer as the bus seems to run on a sort of unspoken assigned seating arrangement (we're all regulars) and simply waiting until they are completely off the bus to close the window is too wimpy for me.

What else can I do? What witticism can I lob in their direction? What should I do when my witticism provokes a tirade in response?

How to deal with a bully from my childhood

Civa — Tue, 08 Feb 2005 22:01:37 -0800

HIGH SCHOOL BULLY QUESTION.
I'm 30 now and very recently discovered an old school reunion site which brought up a couple of questions for me. When I was 13-15 I had a really nasty bully through the first part of high school (I'm in Australia). She made my life so freaking miserable and then, when we could leave school at 15 she left. My questions are as follows. Has anyone ever had the chance to confront their high school bully?? or (even though I know we're wonderful folk here on mefi), been confronted by someone they bullied?
I don't want to do anything but tell her that she made my life miserable and that it left lasting scars on my childhood.
PS She's not actually on the reunion site but I was toying with the idea of tracking her down.

Getting a second cat, what kind should we get to make sure they get along?

scratch — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 13:37:26 -0800

Cat Filter. We just lost an elderly cat, leaving us with only one. Potato Chip is 4, spayed, playful, and large-and-in-charge. (Really, she's like 20 lbs.) She used to bully the older cat--eat her food, ambush her out of the litter box, etc.--and doesn't seem to notice that she's gone now. I like to have 2 cats around and intend to get another. My question is, how can I minimize the bullying and maximize the peace of our happy home? I'm thinking a kitten, since a kitten would naturally be submissive to an adult. Does that sound right? Should this kitten be male or female? (Neutering will be done before we bring new kitty home, if necessary.) Rambunctious or shy and retiring? It's really a crapshoot, I know, but all opinions are welcomed.