Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with bullying

How to help my son break free from his bully?

beniamino — Mon, 13 May 2013 09:52:31 -0800

My son, Alex, age 5, started primary school (in the UK) in January. His 'best friend', Tom (also 5), is bullying him. How can we help Alex break free from Tom, and make new friends? Alex and Tom were at pre-school together for around a year. When Alex first started pre-school, he was shy and found it difficult to settle, and so we were very happy that he managed to latch on to Tom and play with him. But Tom became more and more unruly and rude, and started to dominate Alex so much that the pre-school teachers warned us that the friendship was becoming problematic.

Since they both started school, Tom's behaviour has become worse -- he is rude to his teachers (and me), and he's in continual trouble at school. Alex's behaviour is generally good, but he seems to spend much of his free time hanging around watching while Tom misbehaves. As I understand it, Tom won't 'allow' Alex to play with other children. And, in the last 2 weeks, Alex has come home with scratches on his face (from Tom), and twice has had to change his clothes at school because Tom has thrown water over him. Alex is stressed by this.

Despite all this, we are completely unable to convince Alex to play with anyone other than Tom. There are children in his class that Alex has known since birth (and who are very fond of him). There are children with whom he plays regularly, and who come round to his house often. But, at school, he thinks that Tom is his only friend, and he can't play with anyone else.

The anti-bullying advice I've found focusses on the (normal?) situation where the child hates his bully. Our son is stressed, and wants the bullying to stop, but loves his bully. Do you know of any sources of advice for this odd situation? Or have any suggestions about what can we do?

What are your favorite anti-bullying and empowering YouTube videos?

3491again — Thu, 09 May 2013 02:43:43 -0800

I was bullied extensively growing up, by family members, peers, and, later, boyfriends. I really find it empowering to watch anti-bullying, It Gets Better, and self-harm/borderline personality videos. What are your favorites? I really like the genre of empowering YouTube videos that range from It Gets Better to anti-bullying, to anti-borderline and self-harm videos. They help me get through tough days.

Inspired by this metafilter post, I'd like to find other inspiring videos. Please hope me!

A few categories:

- It Gets Better videos, especially about issues other than sexuality based discrimination (although videos about sexuality are ok too)
- Videos about self-harm or borderline personality or other issues involving self-hate... that are really touching or talk about surviving and moving on
- Anti-bullying, pro-self-esteem, you can survive, the bullies are wrong, kind of themes

Don't care about production values, length, perspective (teenager, adult, documentary, cartoon, etc.), triggers (can be graphic or scary).

I love videos like this that really move you emotionally -- make you cry, make you think, make you relate.

Thank you so much!

Sticks and stones...

youandiandaflame — Sat, 20 Apr 2013 18:37:28 -0800

My (8 year old) son is tender hearted. I'd like to help him cope with kid insults better. So, um...how do I do that? My son is...sensitive. We've had issues with bullying this past year and I have addressed those with parents and teachers and those larger, seemingly harder to handle problems don't seem to be too much of an issue any longer. Please trust, for the purpose of my question, that this isn't a large bullying problem, but instead just a sensitive kid with a mother who wants to do best by teaching him how to deal with his emotions and cope so he's not so sad over some kid not liking his haircut...

My question pertains to how my son handles (or doesn't) insults and taunts from kids his age. I know that "kids will be kids" is often something used as an excuse for bullying but I'm certain that I have a pretty clear handle on what is just typical kid's stuff and situations in which I need to step in as a parent and advocate for my son. I'd like some help in compassionately dealing with my son when he is hurt but also teaching him to have skin that's a little thicker...

Here are some quick facts and questions (the latter of which I bolded just for clarity):

-- My son is an only child. He is 8. I am a single mother.

-- He has serious issues sticking up for himself in that he cannot fathom why anyone would be mean to anyone and instead of walking away from a kid taunting him he will try and talk it out and reason (as best an 8 year old can). This doesn't really work and just prolongs the situation. How can I explain and teach him that walking away is sometimes the best option?

-- He is a cryer. When faced with a taunt and the inability to understand why someone would do that, he just cries. This of course leads to more taunts. I really, really try to be sensitive to this but sometimes it's hard for me (he has seen me cry less than a handful of times in 8 years). Friday, he cried in class because there was a vote on a party theme and his favorite did not win. Another child mocked him and called him a crybaby. He was relaying this tragedy to me and I was trying really hard to be sympathetic but it took a lot of drowning out the "maybe don't be a baby about not getting your way and then people won't make fun of you!" in my head. I was at a loss for words because I could offer no comfort. So, where's the line here? I obviously don't want to agree with a kid picking on my own but I don't want to baby and pamper his every complaint either.

-- Son is articulate for his age and gifted. He does amazing in school and plays plenty of sports (on teams with the kids that occasionally rib on him). He is friends with these boys 98% of the time. When they throw a quick insult his way he becomes convinced they "don't like him". How can I tamper down these thoughts?

-- He goes to a small school, 18 kids in his class.

Honestly, it's becoming tiring trying to talk him out of his sadness (over what a grown up would certainly deem silly problems) everyday after school. He says his day was horrible, I'm immediately concerned and ask why, and then he relays a story about how Joe Blow didn't like his socks and it's ruined his life. The thing is, he's just sweetly tender hearted -- he's the kid sticking up for the bullied kids on the playground. That makes me incredibly proud and the qualities he has now will be amazing to behold in a grown man (if they stick) but right now, they're making his day to day a little rough.

So, were you this kid? Where you overly sensitive in grade school? How did you learn to cope? Am I being too callous by even calling him overly sensitive? What can I do to help him learn to weather these taunts better? How do I help him toughen his skin and if that's not the answer, what's the better course of action? I want to walk the fine line of hearing him out and validating his right to be hurt but I don't want to enable him in a way that continues to allow him to let these things ruin his day. How do I do that?

For the record, I'm not an overly sensitive person and I'm not outwardly emotional at all. In school when I got picked on I used quick wit to deflect and disarm anyone that was mean to me. My son just doesn't seem to be built that way so even answers that spell out where his head may be at in taking everything said to him so seriously helps me, too.

Wonderful 4 Year Old Son Likes Girly Stuff - No Problem! Right?

stewieandthedude — Tue, 12 Mar 2013 14:32:39 -0800

My wonderful 4-year old son wants lots of girly things. I want nothing more than to support him and help him grow into the person he wants to be. My only question is, is there anything that a loving, responsible, progressive parent should do to protect him from hurt, possible bullying etc. He wanted his finger nails painted, we did it, he wanted pink tights, we got them for him, he wants hair clips, we plan on getting them for him. He wants all of these things pretty badly - they aren't things he mentioned once and then dropped. It is interesting because it has given me an opportunity to really examine my own feelings on this in a "rubber meets the road" kind of way. Bottomline: I really don't care. I want him to be happy, fulfilled, etc. If that is wearing pink tights and hair clips, more power to him.

But, I am a little bit concerned (and no, I don't think I'm using this just as a cover to really feeling uncomfortable about it myself) about kids making fun of him and eventually bullying him. When all is said and done, I think I ultimately take the position that: he is only 4, he may not even want to do this kind of boundary pushing into the age where he's going to face more bullying, and, even if he does, I know that parents can't really protect their kids completely from that kind of thing. I have ultimately concluded (though I welcome your ideas on this) that the best thing I can do for him is love him completely and support him in whatever expressions of himself he wants to make. When he does encounter mean kids or bullying, I can continue to support him. I'm not naive about the nature of the world - I know he'll face those things, but he's going to learn eventually that there are mean people in the world - at least he'll know he has his parents in his corner.

Ultimately my question is - does this sound right? Any other thoughts on ways to approach this that both support him and, in a loving, constructive way, minimize the pain that may come from his choosing to buck traditional gender confines? (I acknowledge he's only 4 and it is a complicated question of whether he is bucking gender confines or that he simply likes pink things and doesn't have any concept of the gender implications).

What anti-bullying measures work?

omar.a — Sun, 17 Feb 2013 06:55:56 -0800

Today I saw the 2012 film “Bully” and thought it was very disturbing, so I decided to start an anti-bullying campaign on facebook in collaboration with parents of bullying-victims. To help me understand the subject further, my question is: If you were a bully at any given point and had a moment when you stopped, what made you stop? Was it something someone said?

Dealing with casual bullying/racism at work?

papafrita — Sun, 27 Jan 2013 18:23:09 -0800

I'd appreciate your advice on dealing with what seems to me racist joking/bantering at work -- particularly when it's directed at me. This is my first white-collar job since moving to North America, and I think this kind of "joking around" is unacceptable but this office's culture seems to tolerate it. Some context: A couple of years ago we were forced to leave quite suddenly our country due to violence targeted at our children. My wife tells me I am still grieving the loss of what we left back home -- extended family, our careers, our home and even status -- which may help explain why I am in no mood for people cracking jokes at my background's expense.

After working a few odd jobs I found an office job in my field, although at a junior level and with below-average pay. But I was happy to take it because with foreign credentials and experience white-collar jobs are hard to come by. It's a high-stress environment and there is a lot of aggressiveness in office interactions, which may shed some light on my situation. I've done my best to steer clear of office politics and just worked my butt off, which paid off since I was very quickly promoted.

The problem: There is a guy (younger than me) in my new team who has been giving me a hard time since joining them, and lately has been taking to say bullying remarks just to get a reaction out of me. He plays the political game: he pretends to be a team player, sucking up to the right people -- while at the same time elbowing me out of a couple of projects. We were instructed to work together in a new fancy project, which may be the cause of his recent verbal abuse escalation. (My gut tells me he feels threatened by me: I've shown to be more experienced and knowledgeable on what we do, and he probably has a hard time accepting that the foreigner from the country with the name he can't pronounce may just do a better job than him.)

My relationship with my boss is conflicted -- on one hand he's a gregarious, funny and generous gentleman, fair to me in work dealings and well-liked... but he's also sort of a "lovable rascal" who prides himself in his off-color jokes and politically incorrect teasing. As much as I like my boss, he is part of the problem: his un-PC kidding makes my coworker feel it's okay to troll me (and only me) with demeaning comments making fun of my nationality.

At first when these guys started with the teasing comments a few months ago I thought "okay they're just hazing me I'll just pretend I don't care and they'll stop eventually". It's actually only gotten worse. Like many (all?) introverts I avoid confrontation, but it's gotten to the point where I need to do something or else I won't be able to continue working there. Which is a source of much anxiety because I dread the options available: Quit, which isn't an option with a family to support in a strange land where my foreign credentials/experience aren't worth much... Or put my foot down and make this shit stop.

To give just one example of what I mean: Once I was joking in a self-deprecating way with some guys from another team about a silly mistake I'd made (and fixed), and this coworker butted into the conversation to say something to the effect of "lol must be because of your ____ background huh?", throwing me a provoking look as if to say "u mad bro?" I was offended, and challenged him to repeat himself but he just pretended not to hear as he slinked away. Disrespectful stuff like this happens a few times a week btw.

As I am still fairly new to North American work culture, I'd like to ask you what is the best way for me to handle this? Should I write this guy a short professional email, focusing on the need for respect if we're going to work as a team.. Or should I pull him away to talk to him about it? Should I involve my boss in either the email or the talk? (I don't know how supportive my boss will be, considering that he himself usually makes similar jokes about everyone, albeit in an "aw shucks" manner which comes off more teasing than mean or humiliating). Alas, HR is not an option atm. And yes probably the best thing would be to find a new workplace, but for a newcomer like me that takes serious time and effort; this is something I plan on doing but in the meantime I need to deal with the situation right now.

[And finally, am I being oversensitive? I ask myself, What if my black friend tells me that his coworkers taunt him when he makes an everyday mistake with "Must be because of your black background lol"? I would tell him that's racist and unfair, and that he shouldn't stand for that treatment. Well, looks like it's time to stand up for myself. It's unfair and infuriating that I even need to deal with this bullshit but here we are. On a final note, there is no other place where I would feel safe sharing any of this. Mefi is the one place on the net or IRL where I feel like I "belong" among like-minded, sensible people, and I highly value your input.]

Apologies for the wall of text. I tried to stick to the more relevant details of a long story.. if you have any questions please ask. Thank you for reading and thanks for any input.

How do I stop giving this high school bully space in my head?

handknittedsock — Tue, 15 Jan 2013 05:32:03 -0800

I want to forget about this kid, but he keeps popping up in my head. How do I get over him? As I'm sure is true for most people, high school was a difficult time for me; I struggled with insecurity and normal teenage angst, and was very happy to graduate and leave. While I had various run-ins with plenty of students, there was one boy in my year who gave me a particularly hard time. His bullying was compounded by the fact that we were in intense academic competition with each other, and I also harboured a bit of a crush on him. He would often alternate between being really horrible to me and then being weirdly nice and friendly; if I let my guard down to his friendly advances, he would then turn around and mock me mercilessly for thinking that he actually liked me. Our senior year, he asked me to the prom, which I said "no" to (mostly because I was more interested in other boys, but also because I was worried it would end up like some crazy Carrie situation).

We're both now 10+ years out of HS, have moved away, and I'm married, but I still regularly have dreams about this kid, and end up spending days afterward thinking about what went down in the past. I really would love to just forget he ever existed and move on with my life, but for some reason, I keep finding space in my head to obsess over how shitty he was to me.

What are some effective ways of not allowing thoughts of him to linger in my brain, and ultimately get over him? I know I can't expect to never think about him again, but something to prevent me falling into a shame spiral that's difficult to escape from would be really helpful right now.

Caller ID Spoofing

Anonymous — Mon, 07 Jan 2013 11:50:37 -0800

Is it possible that someone was spoofing my little sister's phone number? My little sister (19 years old) has significant learning disabilities and is frequently the target of severe bullying. Today, she was called into a police station in a neighboring town and interrogated because someone had been texted a set of photos of my sister in a bikini, with inappropriate texts. My father--a lawyer--was present. The pictures appear to be cropped and/or taken from her facebook account. The origin of the number appeared to be from my sister's phone.

My parent's reviewed her phone and no pictures or texts like that were sent. Given that we generally believe my sister, and also given that she has frequently been the target of severe bullying for several years, we are inclined to believe this is another bullying incident.

We certainly plan to get an experienced criminal attorney to deal with this, and in fact are a family of lawyers--no need to to give us legal advice. We do not believe the nieghboring town police are going to go any further with charges against my sister although it is not clear they believe us. The police in our own town are amenable to us because they have been assisting my parents in dealing with previous phone harrasment. My major question is more about the technology involved:

(1) is caller ID spoofing something that is easy to do?

(2) Would spoofing be something that is traceable or identifiable? Would there be any records available for later subpeona?

(3) If the photo was sent to another phone via text, is there any embedded information in the photograph that would indicate its origins? Could we retrieve this information easily?

(4) are there any other technology questions or considerations that I may be overlooking that anyone at Metafilter could advise on?

Many thanks.

How to properly cope with the discrimination and bullying in many of my classes?

pixienat — Thu, 22 Nov 2012 15:51:01 -0800

Conflicted upon how to deal with bullying and discrimination (of various kinds) I am experiencing in my classes this semester. I am a female science major, and all of my classes are predominately male.
Besides being female, I also have several learning disabilities as well as mental health issues that I take medication for, and have accommodation access through my school's disability student programme. In a nutshell I have experienced sexism, ableism as well as being bullied by male classmates in almost all of my classes.

Some examples of my experiences this semester (I ended up dropping a class because it was incredibly awful):

1) I was bullied, ignored by my male teacher as well as excluded by my male peers from study groups, because I talked in class. Out of 60 students, there were about 4-5 women including me, I was the only one who talked, I should rephrase that as really "saying anything".
(I don't feel a need to discuss the victim blaming responses I've had with male students who sat in this class for fun and talked the entire duration of class to another classmate..)

-A friend told me they advocated for me to be sedated.
-They called me "dragon-lady" because I am part Asian...

2)In my calculus class I've had issues with a male student who refuses to accommodate or acknowledge my need for accommodations for my learning disabilities.
He refused to allow me to sit in his "unassigned seat", he told me "he'd race everyday for that seat" (basically dismissed my needs). When I told him I am being distracted in this class the other day,and it's impairing my ability to learn in the class he rebutted:
"What learning disabilities? Anxiety? Take a Xanax!"

I'm also really afraid that my learning disabilities will not allow me to be able to seek accommodation in my Calculus class and my grade will be severely jeopardized.

I ran out of medication for my learning disabilities (which my parents in another part of the state mail me) right in the middle of my take-home exam. In order for me to function in school and stay on task, I need to take this medication. Down to the wire, I had to take time out from the assigned time to take the take-home exam (sunday morning to tuesday morning) to run around town to get to a Fedex shipping store to pick up my medication.

3) A male student out of anger towards me will exclude me from any class discussion, will not acknowledge my existence, will make generalized statements towards Japan RIGHT around me (because I am part Japanese), and when I ask him to stop he refuses to. (Literally says no). When I try and defend myself, another classmate will argue back at me informing me "I am wrong because of this guy's young age". This "young guy" also made rude comments about anything I said, even to myself on my birthday, which he was aware of because I announced it in class earlier that day.

I'm not sure if anyone has ever experienced a/these similar scenario(s), but I'm curious about anyone's way of dealing with problems like this, and if the results brought you some satisfaction?

(I've also talked to two teachers about the sexism issue)

My 12 year old stepson recently revealed he's been bullied most of the year at school. Help us help him!

Sal and Richard — Sun, 24 Jun 2012 12:31:32 -0800

How do I help my 12 year old stepson cope with being bullied ? My 12 yr old stepson started middle school this year and for the first part of the year he seemed to be doing fine. After January, his once honor roll grades dipped quite a bit and for the first time ever he got a D and a couple of C's. He also started having lots of mood swings and tantrums that seemed out of the ordinary from his normal behavior. We attributed some of this to hormones and adjusting to a new school and more demanding course work and homework. He has struggled with school quite a bit -- he has ADHD and has a really difficult time staying on track and getting organized. Though he has done well in school and is described as intelligent by his teachers, he is very hard on himself and gets extremely frustrated when things don't come easily to him.

He started seeing a therapist in April and though he doesn't like going, he generally doesn't put up too much of a fight about it. He seemed to be doing better - less tantrums and outbursts, but we noticed he seemed sad and he denied anything was wrong. Fast forward to last week when my husband found him sobbing in his room. He tells him that a boy at school who is in all of his classes has been bullying him since October. That particular day the bullying was witnessed by the VP while they were out at recess. She noticed a boy pulling stepson's shirt by the collar and confronted both boys. Stepson told her that the other boy has been bullying him for his leftover lunch money since October. The school has a policy that kids are not to give any other kid money (to avoid this type of scenario) and when stepson came him without his change, we figured he had misplaced it.

Both of us feel terrible that we didn't put this together earlier, and hate that he dealt with this on his own all year. The VP spoke with my husband and said she is monitoring this for next year, but no real concrete plans for what will be done. I don't want him in the same classes as this kid and wonder if this is a reasonable request. What we really want is for stepson to feel happy and safe in school, and to regain some of his list self-esteem.

To complicate things, he recently got an OT eval for what may be dysgraphia and the OT described him as having a "flat affect" and "limited eye contact." She wrote that his teachers have mentioned this also and have noticed it as a change since the second quarter. The OT report had a ton of errors on it - saying stepson was a rightie (he isn't), referring to him as a completely different male name, and finally, she sent us recommendations for a different child (not ours) complete with that child's diagnosis and interventions. We called her on this, she apologized, and asked that we shred the report for the other child. However, we are really concerned that she has described him as "flat affect" and are really worried that he is withdrawn and probably depressed, but I personally feel its irresponsible for someone who is not a mental health professional to use terms which can be very loaded. We are getting him an eval by a children's hospital for the dysgraphia, but what else can we/ should we be doing for the self-esteem/bullying issues?

My knee-jerk reaction was that he needs a different, smaller setting, but I don't know if that is the right move. We live just on the outskirts of Boston and the school has about 1,200 kids. My gut is that he'd do better in a smaller school, but there's a cost issue as well as a fear that he would not transition well to this.

What else should we be thinking of? We thought of enrolling him in a tai-chi or martial arts program to build success and confidence, and encouraging lots of time with friends this summer, but how else do we help a kid who is pretty closed off to discussing his feelings, yet clearly is struggling a lot. His dad and I have him and his 9 yr old sister (who he gets along great with) for the entire week on alternate weeks. Mom and my husband are on good terms and she is also very worried about her son.

Sorry so long, and thanks in advance for your input.

Help me get the bullies out of my head so I can go to the gym in peace

sadmadglad — Sat, 09 Jun 2012 07:31:23 -0800

You were bullied as a child, especially in gym class. You protected yourself from the mocking by being invisible and dropping those classes as soon as possible. You were embarrassed and afraid if people noticed the way you run or move. You didn't learn to dance because of this shame. As an adult, you have gotten over this fear/shame and have become physically fit and strong. How? I was bullied as a child, especially in gym class. Now I'm an adult with horrible posture and the back/shoulder problems from that. I need to get stronger, but this stuff still makes me want to hide in the corner.

Even non-gym activities trigger this. I don't dance. I don't like running in front of people. I don't like posing for the camera. I will automatically turn you down for volleyball or frisbee. I assume everyone knows that I look stupid doing any of those things, because it was drilled into me as a kid.

I've started one-on-one Pilates training, and my trainer is awesome and supportive. Despite her awesomeness and despite the fact that I actually like Pilates, I actually started crying half-way through one of my classes.

I couldn't beat the bullies as a kid, and now they're still echoing in my head. How do I beat them now?

My question is very similar to this question, but I'm looking specifically for answers about the emotional/thinky part. I'm happy with Pilates, not looking for suggestions on a different activity.

How do I help my smart, shy 9 year old daughter with issues related to body image, bullying, and (possibly) depression?

dudeman — Tue, 05 Jun 2012 12:13:26 -0800

My wife and I are trying to help our oldest child with some issues that have been around for a while, but have intensified this year. Background: She's a super smart, shy kid. Loves books and will read for pleasure to the exclusion of almost everything else in the world. Reads at a high school level, anything we will let her read (and a few books we won't.) Has a few close friends at home and at school, and these girls are her lifeline, but otherwise she does not make new friends easily. Attends a school for the gifted & talented - good student, obedient to the teachers, often defiant to her parents.

Mornings are difficult - she's grouchy, angry, defiant. I remember this from my childhood. For me it was a combination of sleep deprivation and depression. There's a family history of mental illness on my side, my mother has untreated phobias and OCD, and I have chronic low level depression that I treat with medication.

She may have some body image issues - she's slim and IMHO quite pretty, but prefers loose fitting clothing so it doesn't show her body. Has trouble adjusting to new things: new clothes, haircut, new toys, anything except new books, basically. "Fear of the new."

This year she has had some trouble with a bully in class (a "mean girl"). We've gone to the teacher and the administration with mixed results. I'm concerned that she does not stick up for herself - not in terms of fighting, but in terms of advocating for herself and letting the teachers know when something is not right. She is anti-snitching to the extreme and will not tell a teacher when she is being bullied.

She has a very negative opinion of psychiatrists - we took her to a child psychiatrist when she was 4 at the urging of her pre-K teachers to help her deal with her shyness. She had a positive experience at the time, although it didn't really do much for her shyness. Since then (possibly due to the influence of some of the books she has been reading.) she attaches a stigma to psychiatrists and the school guidance counselor. I'm not sure if therapy could help her, nor do I know if she would open up to a therapist about her issues given time and space to do so.

I look at her and I see parts of my childhood being repeated - but more intensely. It's as if she's experiencing the alienation of my middle school years, but she's only in elementary school. It's a little scary to think about.

Any suggestions for how we can help her? We are in New York City.

How can I counter backbiting in my colleagues?

Chickenbrain — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 02:32:46 -0800

Can anyone suggest a way I can be more respected by my colleagues? Can anyone help here? I work in a University in the UK which relies primarily on teaching for income generation.

My problem is that despite having excellent feedback from students, good results and seeming reasonably popular my workplace is dominated by some dominant individuals who put me down behind my back to my employer and other employees. The effect this has is a drip drip of negative feedback that nearly drove me out of my job. Now I have countered that by sending positive feedback to my boss and pointing out that it doesnt match the negative things that my line manager has confided in me she hears from some of my peers. I have a temporary line manager who was bought in to trouble shoot but she is going in a couple of months and the line that is taken is to 'ignore it and work as a team'. The trouble is that this undermining is hard to combat as it is behind my back and management are reluctant have any more problems with the dynamics, so standing up for myself would simply reinforce the view that I am the one who is being difficult. It does however impact on how I am perceived by other colleagues outside the team and I find myself sidelined and find it hard to get my voice heard.
I am not normally regarded as an unassertive person, but any form of confrontation would be frowned upon as 'being difficult' by managment. Instead I try to respond in a non agressive way by countering any put down type comments but this just drove the comments underground. When I have bought the subject up to people it is just denied and colleagues who are also aware of this this are just keeping thier heads down and dont want any trouble themselves. So I am fighting shadows. I find the way I am being labelled upsetting as, if you throw enough dirt some of it always sticks. I hate a climate of backbiting and it tends to get me down. I am in partial retirement and the climate is one of redundancies, which doesnt help. By the way, I need the money and there is no other suitable work right now. Some people who left for similar reasons have not been able to find work at all and are desperate. We are overloaded with work right now due to the economic climate so can't volunteer to take on more functions. The working climate is perhaps less outgoing in terms of personal relationships in the UK than the US.

Should I help out a company that treated me very badly in the past?

chatelaine — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 13:08:01 -0800

Should I help out a company that treated me very badly in the past? Or should my sanity and I just walk away completely? A few years and a couple of jobs ago, I was employed as an archivist with a small company. I loved the work I did there, but the workplace itself was complete hell. Long story short, it was a horribly abusive place where bullying and backstabbing was the norm (understatement of the century)... there was even some illegal behaviour that I can't discuss, but suffice to say it was bad. I left that place with a hefty case of Complex-PTSD as a result. One woman in particular was a psychopathic bully. In the time since I have left that place, I have heard through the grapevine that she has chased off at least two other employees who took over my job.

One of my kinder, gentler coworkers from this place reached out to me this weekend (completely out of the blue). She asked me for help on my procedures, etc. because now she has been assigned many of my old duties. However, she says she doesn't have the background with this kind of work (which is true, based upon my experience with her), so she wants my professional tutelege.

I *am* still doing this kind of work, so I am in a position to help, but I naturally have my reservations. Several family members and friends have suggested contracting my services out to this place (along the lines of a personal consultation fee, to the tune of $75- to 100-/hr.).

So, MeFites:
1. I don't have a business license at present. If I contract my services out to this place, is it legal?
2. Supposing it is legal, I can't help but wonder if it's a bad idea to get involved again with a place that left me so deeply scarred, and could very possibly re-open some old wounds and/or trigger my Complex-PTSD. I know I don't owe them anything. Should I even bother at all? Or just walk away and continue building and enjoying the new life I'm living without them?

cruelty

Anonymous — Sun, 25 Mar 2012 09:43:40 -0800

Is there anything illegal about being verbally abusive in a triggering way to someone with mental illness? A close relative of mine struggles with mental illness including attempted self-harm in the past. The friend of a man she was formerly in a relationship with-- a woman she barely knows-- sent her an incredibly hurtful, cruel, (untrue) email calling her a terrible person, that she was a nobody, and basically a bunch of awful things like that. It was clearly sent as a proxy from the POS ex. I am truly beyond livid that someone knowing my relative's past of mental illness, low self-esteem, etc. would send her this email.

Is there any sort of legal recourse for this? I can think of basically two parallels: 1) it is clearly bullying behavior, and even worse because the perps are "adults". 2) Given that mental illness is an illness, sending this sort of triggering email seems rather akin to knowingly serving a peanut to someone with a peanut allergy. This isn't the sort of thing that's like "total assholes; whatever"-- this could represent a serious setback in terms of her health progress and the people on the other end KNOW THIS.

I doubt my relative would want to take any sort of legal action-- I feel bad even secretly asking on her behalf-- but I am interested to know nonetheless. I am really beside myself and haven't ever witnessed such monstrous cruelty before. This is in MA, USA if it matters.

How do I deal with a workplace bully?

pakoothefakoo — Wed, 21 Mar 2012 20:38:04 -0800

Help me crack a communication enigma and figure out how to deal with a workplace bully. I work with this guy who always tries to drag me into an out of context, circular, semantic arguments. He also would constantly correct me, only to restate my original point back to me in a slightly different manner. In the beginning, I would lose my temper with him, but I’ve since detached myself emotionally and just tell him that I’m not going there as it's not germane to the discussion at hand.

The problem with having conversation with him is that he always catches me off guard, so I tend to respond curtly. In addition to this, he would constantly put me down by correcting me or pointing out my nonmaterial mistakes (i.e. chuckling when I mispell a word in the google bar). I tend to not take these things personally and just brush him off, but he's pretty relentless so it's starting to really get to me. It feels like a form of bullying, but I’m not certain if this is an accurate assessment.

Several scenarios:

-Our group was discussing a project, and during the course of the conversation, I said “we have to figure out what our metrics are,” he interrupted me and said, rather condescendingly, “metics? Don’t you mean measurements?” My impression was that the group, and by extension, he understood perfectly what I meant, but he just took the opportunity to put me down in front of the group. I was caught off guard, and since this wasn’t the first time, I lost my temper and yelled at him “same fucking thing!” He began to argue the semantics of these two words, so I just cut him off and continued with my point.

-We were discussing business model of a product, I mentioned that our specific group of disabled consumers are becoming smaller, he corrected me “saying, you said that there are fewer (disabled) people, well that’s not true, the rate of disability is still the same, but there are less users of our product due to medical breakthroughs. That’s an important distinction” However, this was out of context and didn’t change the fact that our customer base is still dwindling. I just ignored him and continued.

-I asked him and a co-worker a very specific question, basically “How long will it take to do X.” They both went totally off on a tangent, so I said “can we please focus, how long will it take?” The guy, basically attacked me, “why do you think we aren’t focused? What are your reasons for thinking that?” I responded that I didn’t want to discuss that and reiterated my question.

It goes on ad infinitum. I’m generally easy going, and get along with other co-workers, but this guy is pretty relentless. Also, I notice I’m not the only one that he does this with, for instance, almost everyday he would get into an intense discussion/argument with one of my co-workers about semantics or an irrelevant minutia, which usually devolves into a shouting match that goes nowhere. He's simply arguing to win, no matter what the context is.

I strongly believe in open discourse, not accepting everything you hear, and challenging our assertions, but this is quite counter-productive and draining. I sit next to the guy, and I have to interact with him.

So my questions are:
1) What exactly is going on.
2) What is the best way to handle this?

This is a small, rather dysfunctional company with no clear hierarchy or HR department.

How do you deal with verbal abuse in the workplace?

marimeko — Sun, 18 Mar 2012 21:57:35 -0800

How do you deal with verbal abuse in your workplace? A person I work with is verbally abusive. He has already been fired for his 'attitude' but has recently returned. The owner of the business sees a very different side of this person than I do. This person can be reasonable, kind and professional when he wants something. And I tend to accept that the nice, reasonable person is who he 'really' is. Then this veneer wears off and he becomes verbally abusive. He will probably get fired again or I will find another job. In any case, I need to improve the way I handle such things as:

- When a person denies something they just said or did: 'No. I didn't say that' or, 'I didn't do that' when they just said or did 'that'.

- Being spoken down to or talked to like a child.

- Verbal abuse masked as jokes. 'Oh, calm down. It's a joke'.

- Being cut off: in this case my response to any given insult ('joke') issued to me by my coworker will immediately be treated with, 'okay, move on' and 'let it go' the instant I start to speak.

- Dealing with condescending, snide, arrogant personalities.

The person I work with recently yelled expletives at me when I asked him to let me do a task that he had already started doing that is my responsibility. I asked him more than once because I definitely needed to do the task and because he was arguing with me instead of letting me do the task. I explained to him that I needed to do it because it is my job (something he already knows). He became furious, said personally insulting things to me and he stormed out. I stood up for myself. I didn't yell (they were yelling) but mentioned as calmly as I could that their yelling and swearing at me was not appropriate and would they 'please let me do my job'. I heard myself, though, and I sounded scared and almost like I was negotiating or pleading with them, which is not okay. When I'm being verbally abused or bullied (either subtly or overtly) I wind up feeling nearly incapable of speaking. The incidence of several negative emotions all at once makes me feel frozen. I feel a tiny bit frantic which may or may not be evident to others. My vocabulary and ability to string together words becomes diminished. What I do manage to say comes out in a way that betrays the fact that I am upset. It is very much like nightmares I've had where I can't scream. I was bullied as a child so I know why I respond this way. I am currently in therapy but think hearing what other people actually do in such situations will be beneficial.

How do you deal with verbal abuse in the workplace? What things outside of therapy do you do to prevent verbal abuse from having an effect or from occurring? Resources, books and websites that are especially helpful are welcome. Thank you!

I'm a significant adult in the life of a 12-year-old girl who has become a bully.

tempest in a teapot — Sat, 25 Feb 2012 18:51:01 -0800

I'm a significant adult in the life of a 12-year-old girl who has become a bully. How can I help her develop some empathy? I have the opposite of the problem described in this thread: I'm a significant adult in the life of a 12-year-old girl who has become a bully. It's come to my attention that she is the leader of an influential clique in her elementary school, and is tormenting an exceptionally vulnerable boy in her class.

I've known and loved her since she was two years old, but I've always known she was capable of some cruelty, but discovering that she's actually using it against this boy has been devastating. She is very intelligent, athletic, funny and popular, and comes from a wealthy family who dotes on her. The boy in question is in a group home in lieu of foster care and has no friends at their affluent school. She has apparently made a pattern of shunning him — usually pretending he doesn't exist, but often laughing at his clothes or rolling her eyes and giggling pointedly at her friends when he enters the classroom. This type of quiet bullying is not covered in the school's anti-bullying curriculum.

An interesting wrinkle is that one of the few kids at the school who has taken an interest in this boy is the girl's sensitive third grade brother, who has actually invited the boy for playdates at their home.

I don't expect her to suddenly turn on the kindness here. All I'm hoping for is for her to stop tormenting — and possibly convince her friends to stop tormenting — this boy who already has all the odds stacked against him. I'd like to address it kindly but firmly, with no room for ambiguity.

I've already put a hold on Queen Bees and Wannabes at the library. Any other ideas on how to approach this before our lunch date next weekend?

Taming a wild child

mosk — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 16:05:37 -0800

Help me tame our 7 year old daughter before she makes all of the boys in her second grade class cry. I got a concerned email today from our daughter's second grade teacher that our daughter is behaving aggressively towards the boys in her class -- chasing them, hugging them when they don't want to be hugged, and generally being physical and aggressive towards them in ways that invade their personal space and are, y'know, NOT COOL. Obviously, Mrs. Mosk and I are concerned and appalled and want to put a stop to this pronto. I am reaching out to the MeFi parenting community to ask for pointers, techniques and resources (such as links, books and DVDs) -- this is new territory for us as parents, as her older brother never acted this way.

Some background: Our daughter is very smart and very verbal. She reads voraciously, well above her grade level. She thinks strategically. She can be very sweet and funny (!), but she can also be very aggressive and more than a little physical. She's also strong, with powerful arms and a kung-fu like grip from constantly playing on the monkey bars -- seriously, the girl has deeply calloused palms and will make a fine gymnast someday if she chooses to pursue that. She's at least as strong if not stronger than many of the boys in her class. Like many 7 year olds, she listens selectively, and often has a strong personal opinion about how the world should work. She has some impulse control issues, though she's slooooooowly maturing and is better this year than last year. She also has an exaggerated sense of fairness, and will complain bitterly when she senses that something is even a tiny bit "unfair". Apart from her reading ability and her vocabulary, I think she's a "typical" 7 year old girl, but I also think she's capable of running rings around the boys in her class. She has two loving parents, a loving older brother (age 11), and a stable home life. We try hard to be good and fair parents -- our home has rules, which she tests and which we enforce. She craves attention, and we try to give her as much as we can. In general she receives at least as much attention as her brother, but she will often demand more.

My gut instinct is that she's somewhat bored in school, and this acting out is an expression of that, although we have also seen her act this way towards her brother, so I don't think the physical aggression is exclusively a school thing. I think she sees that this sort of behavior makes her the center of attention, and I suspect she likes this. I also think she's intrigued and a bit fascinated by the power she feels when she is making other kids react to her physically. She definitely enjoys driving the action in most situations. I don't *think* she's a bully, at least not yet, but her behavior may be heading in that direction, and we want to get a handle on it now before it escalates any further.

Both her teacher and her school are very good, the school is vigilant about bullying, and we will work with both to correct her behavior at school. But obviously, school is only part of the problem.

As her parents we could simply come down on her like a ton of bricks -- that's definitely one option -- but given the way her mind works I don't think that's the best approach to get her to change her behavior. And while she reads and thinks at the level of a tween or an adolescent, she's still just a 7 year old, and has a lot of emotional growing up to do.

I am hoping some other MeFi parents can point me towards some resources for taming my wild child before she makes any more 7 year old boys cry. Sorry for the length, and thanks in advance for your suggestions.

staying away from a toxic forum

timsneezed — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 10:15:15 -0800

How do I stop myself from crawling back to this toxic forum where I keep getting verbally abused? There is another relationship advice forum I often frequent and have for a few years. But the atmosphere there is entirely different. While Askmefi is generally civil and rational, this forum can be toxic because the moderation is so poor. There a number of wonderful, insightful posters, but also a handful of vicious bullies who have been around for a long time.

In my early twenties (I'm 28 now) I started posting about my relationships on this board. A few female posters noticed I had some dysfunctional patterns in relationships: being a doormat, acting impulsively, letting relationships drag out that were unhealthy. I also cheated on one boyfriend years ago when I was in a bad place, and they never let me live it down even though I was very remorseful and I never cheated on anyone again. These posters started stalking my threads and attacking me. I have to stress that their attacks went way beyond criticizing my behavior in relationships, which WAS unhealthy -- to putting down my character and picking on all of my insecurities. Unfortunately I was very revealing about my vulnerabilities, so that gave them plenty of ammunition.

They put down everything about me -- my personality (one called me an ugly person inside and out and I have been called crazy more times than I can count), my looks despite knowing I'd been suffering with body dysmorphia for years, my intelligence.

One of the women claims she acted in similar ways to me in her twenties and now is entirely "reformed," and she seems to be on some personal crusade to put people like me down...as if to prove to herself that she's no longer like us.

For some masochistic reason I keep coming back. I think it's because the relationship with these bullies entirely mirrors a traumatic three year bullying episode that happened when I was 10-13 that I've never entirely gotten over. The bullies in that case were also all girls. It's almost as if I'm trying to "fix" what happened then.

What gets to me most about the bullying is that nobody stops it, which is why it reminds me so much of that episode when I was a kid. The problem is the posters are so entrenched in the forum that nobody wants to stand up to them, including the moderators. They are also highly manipulative, will butter up other posters and then target a couple of members with low self esteem under the guise of "tough love." They are intelligent enough to sound rational and confident and defend themselves well, so it takes new members awhile to pick up on their antics. Like cops they all defend each other, but newer posters often don't pick up on the hidden alliances so they think they all independently agree with each other which often swings the tide of opinion in their favor if that makes any sense.

The more I defend myself or point out their behavior, the worse it gets.

I think I keep coming back because I want other people to acknowledge their behavior. Somehow without that acknowledgment, it feels like my reality is being invalidated. It reminds me of when I was a kid and my best friend refused to defend me or even acknowledge that it was happening, or how a sadistic teacher got me in trouble when the bullies were picking on me in class and pretended I was provoking them. I still have nightmares about this stuff.

I also wonder why it is that I attract bullies. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me, and maybe that's part of why I keep going back...to figure that out.

Any advice on how to pull myself away from this forum for good or insight on why I keep attracting people like this in my life and how to brush them off in the future when they attack me?

Helping children cope with adversity

YukonQuirm — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 12:01:05 -0800

I need help supporting my daughter who is upset following a stranger than life moment. I want to learn about famous people who were perhaps looked over when they were younger but then went on to do amazing things for humanity. I'd also be interested in hearing stories that are closer to everyday life if you ever felt you were ripped off when you were younger and now you have been able to use that experience and overcome adversity. My daughter (middle school) had a bit of a devastating moment at the regional science fair yesterday when her project didn't make it to nationals and a different one that was very simple did go on. She had received the highest mark ever given at the local competition and had something very novel. She didn't get any feedback as to why another one was selected and there were several dropped jaws. It doesn't matter about the other projects and I don't need to know about how science projects are judged. The kid that is moving on also happens to be a bully and has tormented her. What I need is for my daughter to move on confidently understanding that these things all work out in the end - but you know - it sounds so dismissive when you say that and I really do understand the upset she is feeling. She is the kid who is kind to everyone and avoids being part of any one crowd. She has been rewarded by her school for a couple of years running with the award called "Respect, Responsibility and Reaching Out". As an adult of course we all know this is a much bigger deal than a prize in a science fair - however kids don't really understand that. I know that she will be successful as she grows as she is smart, kind, respectful and has a huge heart (she also happens to be beautiful and athletic)- I just need some help trying to support her in moving forward.

just about ready to quit

Anonymous — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 08:18:06 -0800

How do you deal with the haters - especially when you're outnumbered and they've got more power than you? Anon due to possible personal/career risks. I'm involved in an industry/scene where there are very few people with a lot of power, and if you piss them off you don't really have a lot of other options. I write a blog that's part personal experience and part cultural analysis, and I often write about how our scene interacts with larger societal issues (race, gender, sexuality, etc). Locally this blog has gotten me ire, simply because I'm not a Pollyanna "wow everyone is SO AMAZING" - they tend to ignore the positive things I do write, but when I write about something being problematic they all come and accuse me of all sorts of trouble.

One of the biggest names in the industry, possibly the one with most clout, has been bullying me and power-tripping me from the beginning, mostly because I've talked about how some projects she's produced has had problems and that I'm not quick to say that she's the greatest person ever. I've talked to other people in the scene who have had similar issues with her, but hardly anyone's willing to speak up for fear of losing their career. They just choose not to work with her without rocking the boat.

Recently I wrote about an action that I felt was problematic at best, worryingly racist at worst. Like everything else I write I try my hardest to not make this a personal attack (if I'm being critical), but rather go "hey, this isn't cool, here's why, link to relevant resources, here's how it affects the rest of us". The producer got wind of it, contacted me, and is now threatening legal action.

In the meantime, word's spread about my post, and while there are a few people willing to engage in earnest discussion, there have also been people - mostly those who have other reasons to hate me - who've taken this opportunity to flame me and personally attack me. Former friends have billed me as a "drug user" (?!) to discredit my words. I can only engage so much, but at this point I feel like I'm repeating myself, trying to explain white privilege to people who just don't freakin' get it. (and then take my distance from it as more proof that I don't care.)

I've been feeling alienated from the scene for a while thanks to issues like these, and while I can usually brush off internet drama, the threat of legal action and having these people that I thought were cool with me (or at least neutral) suddenly turn against me in the worst ways is draining. This was my passion for a few years and I'd tried so hard to contribute to the community beyond the blog; yet because I dare to be outspoken about things, good bad or whatever, I'm not to be trusted or welcomed anywhere.

I feel like throwing in the towel, moving to another country, and doing something else - but I feel like no matter what I do or where I do I'm just going to run into drama. A lot of this has to do with being a minority (and the complications therein) and I feel that that's just going to haunt me for ages. I know that I'm not perfect either, but I'm trying my best to be fair both to myself and others, and right now it seems like a losing battle.

I look at people who are much more high-profile than I am, people who I know have had a lot of public disparaging (mostly because they are high-profile), and they seem to be doing OK. I may not always like them or admire them myself, but I do admire how they've managed to keep going as though no one hates them. It probably helps that they have a strong fanbase; I'm not sure I have one of those. I do have my fans and supporters, but they're more sparse and quiet (again, the "don't want to attract drama" factor) and tend to talk to me privately. This is all reminding me of schoolyard bullying, especially with Head Honcho involved, and I thought I left that behind ages ago after 11 years of actual schoolyard bullying for being a minority.

Am I just a failure as a person? The more I try to make space for myself and people like me, the worse it gets.
Will things ever get better?
Will moving help?
will quitting even though I genuinely enjoy what I do mean that they have won?

what do I do? I feel so worn, and the people who support me are all so far away.

Far Too Jealous

xbeautychicx — Sat, 23 Apr 2011 23:28:55 -0800

Please help me understand and manage what I think is an unhealthy and debilitating jealousy. A little background: I'm currently a young adult (19) and the youngest of a large family. In my childhood I was teased and bullied a lot (perhaps much more than the average child), by both girls and boys (primarily girls) about my looks or personality quirks. Everything from the usual how ugly, fat, useless, dull, nerdy, or gross I was to even somewhat crueler things like hitting or shoving me around. This all continued more or less 6 years throughout my grade and upper school career. In the beginning I'd never really believed anything of the things that were said, but eventually (about age 12) my self esteem and confidence were absolutely shattered. When I'd realized most of the bullying really focused on my unattractiveness and I felt indescribably inadequate compared to the girl bullies and other girls around. I was terrified to leave my house because I didn't want anyone to see me. Over the years I did all I could to transform myself but I was certainly traumatized by those experiences and I think I may have never recovered.
Subsequently, I've since always felt threatened or suspicious of other women I consider to be attractive. I've had extensive therapy since and while I found it incredibly helpful with some of my other issues, it gave me little resolve for this.

Current issue: As an adult I sort of morphed into a reasonably attractive young lady compared to my awkward earlier phases. Others consider me to be attractive and (to my knowledge) have not since been ridiculed me for my looks. Since becoming aware of my appearance early on I've always since been very conscious about my looks. That awareness causes me to be very sensitive to regard not only my attractiveness, but also that of other women in a very negative way. For example, if a friend said something like, "Have you seen whomever?! She has the most amazing body!" I may smile and agree wholeheartedly but it's completely disingenuous. I sit there and brood over what my own body must look like and what my friend must think of mine. That alone could ruin my mood for hours. Sometimes it keeps me awake at night.
If my SO ever mentioned anything in passing about an ex or any particular women he'd seen, it drives me off the wall insanely jealous. It's a composed kind of jealousy, I never go visibly nuts but on the inside I have a million racing thoughts. What those women must look like, how perfect, flawless, and sexy they must have been, and also how I'm perhaps a mediocre substitute. I then suddenly feel detective like and I want to know absolutely everything about them to see if they're any threat to my relationship or my partner's opinion of my appearance. I put a lot of thought and research into becoming more attractive and alluring so I wonder, who could have possibly gotten it any more right than me.Though there are times that very critical and insensitive things are said about my image, I would like to be able to shrug it off, laugh, and disagree.
It's very difficult for me to sit through stories with friends or colleagues about how luminous, beautiful, intelligent or gorgeous some of their other friends are. I feel as if they just bashed me and it puts me in a dark place until something redeeming can be said about me. It is the most consuming and miserable feeling to describe, and it hurts.
Whenever I'm out and I just see an attractive woman I think of how much more attractive she must believe she is than me. To compensate for feeling inadequate I think of awful (terribly) awful things about how incredibly loose she must be or how moronic she is. I even think about how much I hate her, or would hate her if I ever came to know her. I think less of women whom I don't feel put in the same effort or consideration to be beautiful as I do.
I've become mean spirited towards complete strangers who could be just as vulnerable as I am, all because I'm insecure. I rarely give other women compliments. I hate being this way but I struggle feeling any other way about this. I once noticed a good looking girl staring at me and I decided to do things differently, so I started a friendly conversation. The entire time I felt that I could read every malicious thought across her face and haven't bothered since. I felt as if I was talking to someone who didn't like me (which even if she didn't I shouldn't have cared.)

But I long to have close girlfriends and even deeper bonds with my older sisters whom I was told were prettier than me as a child. I would love to have a conversation with my SO without fishing for a compliment, or putting beautiful (perhaps inside as well as out) strangers down to feel desirable myself. I understand that almost everyone is teased or bullied somehow and it's just a matter of overcoming the past, however I think affects some more than others. I also know that there is infinitely much more to life than being considered good looking by anyone. I'm a very loving and good natured person; no one that knew me personally would ever describe me as a jealous, narcissistic, egotistical misanthrope. In fact, no one really realizes how much I struggle with my self esteem. I feel that I am a well integrated person with many talents, character, and perceptions well beyond physical facades. I have many interests and obligations but these negative thoughts and feelings are never far from my attention. I feel that I have an obstacle with this jealousy that's unfortunately leaking into my personality. I think that my motives for being attractive were negatively sought therefore I can only discern a negative payoff, so I certainly need a new point of view. Any useful insight, advice, or anecdotes anyone could offer is highly appreciated.

How to deal with a bullying consultant?

Anonymous — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 18:13:01 -0800

A consultant who works closely with my department hates me. He's not going anywhere. How do I deal? My department works very closely with a consultant ("Harry"). Harry is old, crochety, and irreplaceable. He does not work at my company, nor does he work on-site with us. No one likes him very much, but his specific knowledge and skillset is rare and necessary right now.

My department came into existence a year ago, and I'm one of the logistics / admin support people. I joined the company to join this department. I generally enjoy, and succeed at, my job. I like my small team, and my work has been prasied (I got a raise and a new title at my last review).

Harry strongly dislikes me, and feels like he has the authority to boss me around. I am young, female, and far less experienced in the industry. I also have to triage support requests from dozens of people. Sometimes, I do not prioritize Harry. Harry responds to any less-than-perfect situation involving me with abusive emails, showing up randomly, yelling at me in the lobby (in front of several others), and other bullying tactics. He sends me rude emails and tells me not to tell my boss; he sends my boss itemized emails about everything I'm doing wrong.

I have discussed the situation with my manager and director. They are working to shield me from Harry, and have told him directly that all contact should go through the director. Harry emails me anyway (and shows up at my desk unannounced, although he does not work at the company) and continues to berate me. I get 1-5 emails, phone calls, or visits from him per day.

I know the right answer is, "haters to the left", but I can't really take it. How do I deal with this man? How do I not come in each day dreading everything?

How to deal with 4chon cyber bullying?

Anonymous — Tue, 08 Mar 2011 03:40:15 -0800

Asking-for-a-friend filter: How to deal with 4chon cyber bullying? OK, so a female friend has a profile on a dating site, and somebody on 4chon (yes, chon, I thought it was 4chan, but no) has linked to her profile as "chixor is picky LOL AMIRITE?!1!!1?" and now she's getting harassed by the people from the 4chon thread.

She's reported the people who've sent her abusive messages on the dating site, but that isn't stopping the flow of new people from the original 4chon thread.

Is there any way of getting the 4chon thread shut down? Do they have moderators? Any other way of handling this?