Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with breakups

Ok, we seem to like each other...now what?

Anonymous — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 13:37:51 -0800

I met a girl the other night. Problem is, my girlfriend was there, too. Hopefully less scummy than it sounds. My girlfriend and I were invited to a party by a friend of a friend, who was the only person we knew there going in. The girl who invited us has a roommate, to whom I was instantly attracted to, both physically and for her personality. No big deal, but as the night wore on, it became clear that she was into me as well.

Everybody got nicely drunk, and this girl began flirting with me. Lots of touching, upon finding out that my girlfriend and I weren't married leaning in close and saying, "so you're saying I have a chance," and draping herself over me in group pictures to the point that a stranger looking at them would never guess that she wasn't my girfriend and the girl standing next to me was. She kept drinking and eventually headed to bed. A few of us stayed up way too late and then left with promises of doing it again soon. Everybody at the party seems to have loved my girlfriend, and I don't blame them, as she really shines in social situations like that.

I sent the flirting girl a positive/neutral Facebook message a couple of days later saying I had a good time, and she sent back a positive/neutral message saying we'd have to do it again soon. I am at a loss as to how to proceed, or if I should even try. Obviously the alcohol was an influence on her behavior, re:lowered inhibitions, but I wouldn't think a girl would be that overt in her behavior (even when drunk) unless she was very interested.

So much for the situational stuff, now for the relationship background. My girlfriend was aware of the flirting and its extent, but she is not at all the jealous type and thought it harmless. We have dated for a few years with a break of several months a couple of years ago. We both dated in those months, and after unhappy breakups for both of us fell back into our relationship. We generally have a good time together, but we have different goals and conflict styles, and we have discussed and agreed on many occasions that our relationship must and will end at some point, but as for the most part things are ok and we still care about each other deeply (though the fire is more or less gone), neither of us has had the balls to pull the trigger. Lately (prior to the party in question) I have been thinking more about breaking up.

Is there any tactful way to pursue this other girl? Have you ever been in or heard of a similar situation that turned out well? Obviously, doing anything to pursue the other girl involves putting an end to my current relationship. Thanks for your time. My AskMe throwaway email address is myaskmethrowawayemailaddress@gmail.com. Thanks for your time.

being a supportive friends vs. patience

jalebi — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 08:46:39 -0800

How can I support my good friend (and roommate) through a breakup, and not lose my patience? My friend and roommate broke up, or is going through an "it's complicated" with her boyfriend. They had a short (3 months) but intense relationship, with an emotional connection. Things have been difficult in the last 10 days or so, with them returning from an out of town trip together, which culminated in him telling her he's got some issues to work on, and thinks it's over, but there hasn't been an official "it's over over. She is hurt, rightfully upset and angry.

She is unemployed (but has some savings, and is applying to phd programs), and I work from home. So we're both home a lot, and I'm getting tired of the crying, knocking on my door, a couple of times at night after I was asleep, and listening to crying and replaying things for hours a day.

I want to be a supportive friend. I really do. I've brought her drinks to rehydrate after crying, offered to get food, taken long walks with her, heard everything about ten times, and am now spending hours with her just being melancholy. I am happy to sacrifice time to listen and support her, but upwards of 4-5 hours a day is hard.

I know she needs to grieve, in her own way. I know she needs to be heard and supported, but I am feeling emotionally drained. Over the course of the past 10 days, it hasn't gotten better.

What can I do to support her, but not lose my patience? Is there anything I can tell her to both help her grieve this relationship, and move forward? Is there any polite way of saying "I love you, I support you, I'm sorry you're in pain, but I'm kind of getting tired of you knocking on my door just so we can stare sadly into space for several hours?

How can love and the certainty that you want to marry someone fade away and leave numbness?

whitelily — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 16:59:15 -0800

How can love and the certainty that you want to marry someone fade away and leave numbness? We fell for each other pretty hard. He was 23, I was 28. Very early on, I decided he was the guy I wanted to marry, and he felt the same way. The first year and a half of our relationship was wonderful. Then I started talking about engagement, and he started avoiding conversations about it and making excuses. Many fights ensued. Around the same time, I started noticing that he was often in a bad mood around me, usually didn't seem happy to see me, wanted to spend time with his friends more than he wanted to spend time with me - and these were all major changes in his behavior. I gradually went from being a confident person to being anxious and constantly trying to make him happy. Eventually I accepted that he no longer wanted to marry me. I was heartbroken, and I desperately wanted the return of the guy who adored me. A few months later, I broke up with him.

Shortly after our breakup, something very strange happened: despite my heartache, I woke up one day and felt...really good. It was a relief to be rid of the anxiety and the constant trying to make him happy (and never succeeding). And I started noticing how good it felt when other people smiled at me, seemed happy to see me, and seemed to enjoy my company. And I started noticing how much I enjoyed laughing at the same jokes with my friends, and realized that my ex and I had not shared the same sense of humor, and I realized how nice it was to laugh with friends at the same types of jokes.

It didn't take very long at all before he told me he'd made a mistake and actually did want to get engaged. I was angry and didn't want to hear it. Eventually my anger faded and he convinced me to give him another chance. We've been dating for months now. We've talked about the past. He hadn't had much dating experience before me and had been afraid that if he settled down with me, he'd be missing out on other experiences - hence the jerky behavior. While we were apart, he dated other people and saw that he actually hadn't been missing out on anything. I imagine age might play a role in all this, too (he's 27 now). Ironically enough, I finally got what I wanted - the return of the sweet, adoring guy who treats me like gold and wants to marry me. But I no longer have that sense of absolute certainty that I want to marry him. I can't come up with a good reason why I shouldn't feel excited about marrying him, but I just don't. Worse, I feel like the romantic part of my brain has stopped functioning, or something has gone numb. In a clinical, objective way, it seems to me that we should be married, but the feelings I used to have seem to be mostly gone. I'm unable to say "I love you", and when he's gone, I don't often feel that I miss him.

The only concrete thing I can point to is this realization that we don't share the same sense of humor, and I'd love to share that with my husband. Beyond that, he is objectively everything I want, and the only person I've ever wanted to marry, and yet trying to bring back the desire to marry him feels akin to watering a plant that has already died.

This situation is immensely frustrating and saddening, and it makes me feel like I'm going to lose someone I should be with, but without that feeling of certainty that I want to marry him, I'm not willing to do it. I'm NOT asking whether I should be dating/marrying him. I just don't understand where that feeling of certainty went, and I'd like to hear similar experiences (if there are any) and possible explanations for what's happened to me.

Thanks very much.

My X girlfriend screwed me over…

sav — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 08:19:08 -0800

My X girlfriend screwed me over… Can we be friends again? I don’t want to go into details and this is probably as one sided as it says in the headline, but my X girlfriend did things to me which I think most people would find unforgivable. She was my best friend and I care for her a great deal still. It’s been a few months now and I’m pretty sure we have both moved on to other things, but in all honesty, I just miss her as part of my life. We were together for a very long time and she became the person who knows me the most in the world.
I have been trying for the last months to rationalize what happened and to try to understand what would motivate someone to do some of the things she did. Imagine the worst, and you will have an idea. In the end I have come up with ‘it’s complicated’ and because she stuck it out so long when things were bad, the intent was probably not malicious… I think it’s best to leave it there.
My question is about remaining friends or keeping someone in your life that did great damage to your life, after having had a very intense, deep, loving relationship. Is it realistic to think that somehow out of the ashes, and let me point out that they are very deep ashes…. That you can somehow build something again, at the very least, a friendship? For me it’s crazy to go from best friends and in love - to nothing. I have kept most of the details from my friends but those closest to me tell me that I should never speak to this person again.
Any ideas or shared similar experiences would be greatly appreciated.

How do you mourn a long term relationship in a healthy way?

Nothing — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 13:30:29 -0800

How do you mourn a long term relationship in a healthy way? There is no animosity, just two people who grew in different directions. But it is so hard.

Dealing with being friend-dumped?

Anonymous — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 11:39:58 -0800

Over the past year, I have slowly been dumped by a friend... I think? Should I just let her go? How to deal with the hurt feelings? What questions should I be asking about my own role in the breakup? Not long ago, a friend, let's call her Lisa, stopped returning most of my communications and started breaking plans with me. A lot. We are both very, very busy, but it's gotten to the point now where we haven't seen each other in at least six months.

I know that Lisa suffers from depression, and I believe that she has isolated herself not just from me but from certain other mutual friends. Part of me thinks that this is a symptom of that depression and that I should go out of my way to let her know that I care. Then again, I kind of think I have already tried to do this, perhaps ineffectively, and I need to let her take responsibility for her own mental health, if that is even at issue. How do you know when to stop trying with someone?

I keep telling myself that it's probably Lisa's deal, not mine... She has has at least two intense friendship breakups (which involved arguments and a lot of venting to me on Lisa's part), so it seems like she my have a pattern of idealizing-and-rejecting people. There's also various social entanglements that might have bred awkwardness between, though it didn't feel that way to me. There's also the possibility that we got busy, didn't see each other for very long, and then just drifted apart...

This question, and its responses, had me feeling paranoid and even sadder, but it also made me wonder what I could have done to trigger the breakup. To me honest, I am somewhat loud, kind of a social butterfly, certainly have a vast supply of other imperfections. If I were like "Kelly," how would I know? What should I do to better myself from this experience?

Now that I'm coming to terms with the fact that she just might not be into being my friend. Whatever the reason, I feel angry, hurt, rejected... How can I deal with these feelings? How can I keep a a sense of unconditional positive regard toward this person that I do like, actually?

Don't let the door hit you... in song...

orange swan — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 10:18:54 -0800

Musical mavens of Metafilter, please recommend some upbeat break up songs. We’ve had threads about break up music before, but I’m looking for songs that take a specific tack. I don’t want songs that contain references to beautiful goodbyes or being abondoned and heartbroken or how letting go is aaaaagony but [sob] for the best. The song should take a tone more along the lines of “don’t let the door hit you” and “I’m just going to do a happy dance around the living room for five minutes before I forget all about you and go do something interesting and worthwhile”. Examples of what I mean might be “Hit the Road Jack” by Ray Charles, “Already Gone” by the Eagles, “I’m Looking Through You”, by the Beatles, “My Lovin’ (You’re Never Gonna Get It)” by En Vogue, or even “Better Now” by Collective Soul, though it isn’t specifically a break up song.

how do you tell a secret like this one?

Anonymous — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 08:36:14 -0800

We broke up. Then, I had a miscarriage. It's been several months, but I'm beginning to feel really guilty. Should I tell him? If so, how? (maybe a little NSFW, better safe than sorry) We dated for around six months and are both in our mid-twenties. Overall, I felt like our relationship was a very good one while it lasted. We rarely fought and when we did, we always compromised. We were playful and affectionate in and out of the bedroom. We enjoyed the time we spent together. We got along very well with each others families and friends. We had a deep emotional connection. We loved each other and said so often and openly. I felt like it was the ideal relationship and I was beginning to relax into it completely.

Then, he broke up with me very abruptly via an e-mail. In his e-mail, he explained that he would be moving in a few months time for work-related reasons and that he did not want to put the effort into a long distance relationship with me at this time. Although he would not be moving for several months, he said he did not want either of us to grow more attached to one another when he knew an LDR would simply not work out between us. I replied to his e-mail, explaining that I felt this sort of preemptive breakup was pointless, but that if that was what he wanted, then okay. I chose to believe what he was telling me and accept it instead of fighting it. He wanted to be friends, but I told him I wanted a period of absolutely no contact (no e-mails, no phone calls, no texts, don’t poke me on Facebook, and certainly no face-to-face meetings).

I tried to take the breakup as well as I could. I went out with friends and threw myself into work and creative projects. At first, I made myself as busy as I possibly could, so I didn't really have time to think or see straight, much less deal with my feelings and emotions. Then, I was hit with what I thought was a combination of massive stomach flu and breakup depression. I spent a lot of time in bed and eating saltine crackers.

One day, I started spotting brown. This was very not normal for me and alarmed me considerably, so I called my gynecologist. She explained to me that there were all kinds of different ranges of normal and that I shouldn’t be alarmed, but if I wanted to see her, she was fine with that. When I went to see her, she started by asking me a few questions and in the course of her questioning, I realized that I was very late for my period. In fact, I had skipped a couple of periods by that point (I am relatively irregular, so I hadn’t thought much about it at the time. I was kind of wrapped up in all the stress from the breakup anyway). She explained that I might be pregnant and this brown spotting might be implantation bleeding and suggested that I take a pregnancy test while I was there. The test came out positive.

I was shocked by the news of the pregnancy. When we were together, my ex and I always practiced safe sex. Our birth control method of choice had been condoms. Whenever we had penetrative sex, he wore a condom. We never had an incident where a condom broke. However, sometimes before we had sex, he would tease the opening of my vagina with his penis when he wasn’t wearing a condom. Sometimes this would happen after he had just ejaculated from oral sex. Because of this, my gynecologist thinks that this pregnancy MIGHT have been the result of precome. I had always believed that the whole you-can-get-pregnant-from-precome thing was the kind of myth they told you in what passes for sex-ed classes here in the South, but apparently I was very, very wrong about this.

When added to the very recent breakup, it just seemed sort of emotionally unbearable. I did not know what to do or really how to handle it, but I decided that I wanted to minimize the potential for drama as much as I possibly could. In those first few days after I found out, I only told my mother and two very close, trusted friends about the pregnancy. I was thinking of ways to break the news to my ex when the brown spotting returned. Except this time, the spotting turned from brown to bright red and was accompanied by the most horrendous cramps I have ever had in my life. Alarmed, I visited my gynecologist again. She confirmed that I was miscarrying at 8w3d.

This was literally the worst thing that has ever happened to me and was extremely emotionally difficult. I decided to have a D&C because I didn't want to go through the waiting game of a natural miscarriage. I wanted more than ever to tell my ex what was going on. I desperately wanted his emotional support. I asked for advice from the two close friends that I had previously told about the pregnancy. They suggested that telling him about the miscarriage was probably not a good idea. Admittedly, they’re not big fans of him now because of the way he chose to break up with me. They explained that they felt that his e-mail break up spoke to a pronounced lack of maturity and respect for me. They worried that he would do something to further hurt me at a time that was already very traumatic for me. They predicted he would react to the news in one of two ways, either (a) he would be upset and do something dramatic, or (b) he would not care. Either way, these were not the reactions that I would want from him, so they advised that I definitely not tell him. After all, what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him and the jerk had broken up with me, thus conceding any right to my feelings. At the time, they convinced me. I was very worried that he might react dramatically and tell a lot of people about what had happened. I wanted to minimize this sort of thing. So, I did not tell him about the miscarriage.

Because of all the emotional turmoil going on in my personal life, I went a little crazy. I began to do things that were very uncharacteristic of me before the break up and the miscarriage. I started very heavily partying, drinking and smoking all night long and stumbling back to my apartment in the wee hours of the morning alone to cry until I fell asleep. One weekend, about a month and a half after my D&C, I ran into my ex at one of these parties. We began talking and soon enough, we were meeting up for “friendly lunches”. Pretty soon, the physical part of my relationship with the ex began again and suddenly, I was sleeping over most nights out of the week. We gradually and very slowly worked our way back up to sexual intercourse. Except...when we tried to have sex, I burst into tears. I ended up crying and hyperventilating in the fetal position at the foot of his bed. He was justifiably freaked out by my sudden outburst and he asked me what was wrong. I just couldn't explain to him what was wrong, at least not without revealing the secret. I wanted to leave his apartment and go home to be alone, but he insisted that I stay with him. He just held me for the rest of the night in silence and then we went to sleep together. A week or so later, he moved away. Besides seeing him very briefly at his going away party, I have not really spent time with him in person since the night of my crying fit.

Since he moved, we have cultivated a very close long-distance friendship. He lives about 500 miles away. We speak daily and are very friendly with one another. It looks like in six months to a year I may be sharing a zip code again with my ex. He has alluded to us reexamining our relationship when/if that happens. Because of this, I want to be as open and honest with my ex as I can possibly be. Also, I am beginning to feel really guilty about not telling him. It's actually eating me up inside.

1. Lately, I have spent a lot of time thinking about the person that our potential child could have been, and I am beginning to feel like I owe it to our shared history and that lost potential child to tell him. I feel like my ex has the right to know and to grieve the child. Should I be feeling guilty? Is this something that my ex is better off not knowing at all?

2. The truth is, I don’t know how to approach this sort of conversation with him. I am ashamed of my miscarriage. I feel incompetent and unworthy, like the type of person who loses all the things in life that are supposed to be the most important to her. I lost my ex, a person whom I love very deeply. I do not want to admit to him that I also lost our child. How do I tell him? What do I say? How do I explain waiting so long to tell him? Was hiding it from him selfish of me? I was only trying to protect my own emotions on the advice of my friends. This is the sort of thing that I feel should only be done in person, should I wait longer to tell him or should I insist on visiting him soon to give him this news? Please help me.

Thank you so much for reading this long thing. I will take any advice you guys give me to heart.

Throwaway e-mail at shoulditelltheex@gmail.com

What is a "successful" relationship

pauldonato — Wed, 27 May 2009 20:16:40 -0800

How do you define "success" in relationships? I think I'm hung up on how my previous relationships went that I'm too scared to form new ones.

Is success defined in relationships based on whether neither party regrets having gotten in it? Or is it based on whether both parties behaved honestly with good intentions? It obviously can't be based on whether either party got hurt, because then that means most people are inevitably going to be failures.

Here's the cases that are bugging me...

Two cases where she got hurt:

- My first girlfriend (Sr. year of High School) fell in love with me, then I broke up with her, then we kept sleeping together, and then I told her that we had to stop, and then she got depressed and had to take Zoloft

- My first girlfriend after college fell in love with me, then I broke up with her. We were very passionate and close together, and her best friend (who was also a good friend of mine at the time), really got on my case for "leading her on."

Two cases where I got hurt:

- I dated my next door neighbor in my freshman year dorm, but I felt soo insecure around her, and I was so paranoid anytime she'd show any kind gesture to any of my other dormmates. After she broke it off with me, I became really neurotic about her, and obsessed about her the following summer, especially when some of my former friends/dormmates were visiting her during the summer.

- I dated someone recently who always went hot and cold, and she drove me into insane neuroses that were hard to shake off. It was so hard that I got physically ill, and I broke it off because I couldn't stand how aloof and emotionally unavailable she was. Afterwards, I kept thinking about her and got really angry with her for months.

In these four cases, I've come away with a really strong feeling that I fucked up majorly somehow. In the cases where she got hurt, I imagine the tears in her eyes and hear the message, "Why the fuck did you do this to me?? And don't you dare do this to anybody else." And from the cases where I got hurt, I get the strong message from myself, "What the fuck did you get yourself into?? Don't you dare do that again."

I feel that people around me don't blame themselves as hard, and see relationships as learning experiences like trial-and-error. I also kind of view them skeptically, like they're being irresponsible, by only being into a relationship for what it affords them now, and not even realistically considering whether they see themselves with this person forever.

Is there some perspective I'm missing? How can people feel good being in relationships knowing that they inevitably end (given divorce rates and how long we're living anyway)?

Should I be jealous?

xyla2000 — Thu, 07 May 2009 02:57:57 -0800

Relationship Filter: I dated this guy for a month. We broke up a few weeks ago mainly because I am moving this summer. We have overlapping friends and hang out at the same places, which was fine until last week. He hooked up with a girl that I also know. Since we aren't together, I really don't care, but I think he does. Am I wrong not to be jealous? I'm sorry for going into so much detail(again) but in order to get good advice I figure I should thoroughly explain the situation.

So we were friends for a while then we dated, which was great while it lasted. I knew going in that it wasn't a long-term thing because I'll be overseas by the end of summer and he's staying in the US. Although I initiated the break up, he completely agreed. We've hung out since and it was fun and platonic.

But, last week, a friend(who didn't know that I had dated him because I don't like publicizing my relationship status) told me that her friend has "hooked up" with him. I don't really know what that means exactly, but I wasn't surprised. I've seen her friend hit on him on many occasions. Actually, once she explicitly tried to get him to have sex with her in the bathroom of a bar. I realize it sounds really slutty, but she is also attractive and can be a lot of fun when she isn't too drunk.

The night before her friend told me, though, he and I had watched a movie together at his house. As I was getting ready to go home, he acted surprised that I was leaving and tried to convince me to spend the night. But I left anyway because I knew if I spent the night, our relationship would not be platonic. Then tonight, I ran into him at a bar. He was absorbed in conversation with his friends so I didn't say hi. At one point, I happen to turn around and I see this other girl all over him, whispering in his ear and what not, but he's staring at me. We make eye contact and he rolls his eyes. I just smiled and went back to my conversation. When i got up to leave, he came up to me and did this awkward hug-like thing with one hand over my shoulder and the other on my ribs right below my breast, and said "see you soon, right?" (Yes, it was as awkward as it sounds.)

So here's the question: what does all this mean and how do I handle this situation? I'm not the jealous type and I like to keep out of other people's drama. I engaged with both of them tonight with the same warmth and friendliness that I always do because what their relationship may be is separate from my relationship with each one of them individually. Should I be jealous? He still notices when other guys hit on me and is pretty sensitive to it. But it doesn't bother me. Should I tell him that I like this girl and I don't mind him dating other people? Is he trying to get my attention? For the record, we'd still be dating if I wasn't leaving, so I understand that we both still have feelings for each other. But I also know how much it hurts leaving someone you care a lot about behind, so I am not really eager to get more involved.

Thank you ahead of time!

Should I not be a serial monogamist with the one waiting in the wings?

Anonymous — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 22:05:15 -0800

Lesbian monogamy filter: I am really just a hopeless romantic no matter how hard I try not to be? Should I not move right on to the one waiting in the wings? I am a 30 year old lesbian (if that matters, but please, I'm interested in all perspectives) who just ended a 3 year long monogamous relationship. My former partner and I ended on largely good terms. We experienced "lesbian bed death" and it sort of devolved into a friendship.

Because we got together when I was relatively young, I sort of feel like i missed out on a lot of the fun of being young and single. Since always, I've pretty much gone from serious long term relationship to serious long term relationship. Being able to be single was a big part of wanting to end things for me. Also exploring relationships with men, possibly.

The thing is, I've also gotten involved with a good friend of mine. She's someone that I've known since college, and though I've always had something of a crush, I never knew it was reciprocated. Anyway, we were never single at the same time so it didn't really matter. She became single about a year ago and had been dating around, nothing too serious, and as my relationship with my ex wound to a close, we wound up becoming physically involved and this has continued on and off since the breakup, which occured about 3 months ago. FWIW, she is not a close friend of my ex.

We have both said that this is not a thing with relationship potential, just a fun physical thing to fill the gap. But because of our years of intense friendship, the sex and the relationship itself has become more and more intimate. We both say that we're dating other people and even talk women we both know as potential dates for each other, but this never seems to happen and when we do actually express real interest, we both feel jealous and sad, though controllably so.

I am becoming more and more passionate about this person, and I think she feels the same way about me. We're definitely experience pair-bonding. I keep thinking about our future together, about how maybe this was meant to be all along, about how I might be "in love" with her. The only stopping me from pursuing a relationship with her is my promise to myself NOT be a serial monogamous, to have fun, to date. Right now, though, I feel like any dating I did would just be perfunctory with the hopes of coming back to her. That being said, I do think that if I decided to let go of this thing that I could commit to it, get over her, and really start having fun, I could do it.

That being said, I am not totally aware of how she feels. Because of the way our sexual relationship started, we are both very guarded about our feelings, even though we say how much we love each other "as friends" all the time. I can't help but think that she, like me, is feeling ambivalent and also trying to protect herself from getting hurt. She is younger than me and seems just as invested in playing the field before getting into something serious. I also think that she is still getting over her last relationship.

We've both express interest, in the abstract sense, in the prospect of having an open relationship. But we also both recognize that even if we *said* we'd have an open relationship, it would probably not really be in practice.

If I "follow my heart" and we wind up together, am I going to regret it? Is it bad to lillypad like this? Should I make an effort to make single happen? How can I find out what she is thinking without making myself vulnerable?

Am I normal, or am I completely crazy?

doompuppy — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 08:15:07 -0800

For once I'm the dumper, not the dumpee, and I am utterly, horribly miserable. I can't figure out if what I'm going through is normal, and if I've made the right decision... First things first - my history in relationships involves me rarely being single for any length of time, and diving quickly into long term things. 6 months, for me, has probably been my "shortest." My history also has involved me being cheated on by every one of these girl I dated for 6 months, 1 year, 2 years, etc... - except this last one, my longest by far. We'll call it more than 5, and less than 10. I was her first love. I'm sure that, to some extent, this is a factor in what went wrong.

I was with this girl for enough years that friends thought it absurd we never talked about marriage, etc.

On and off, several times throughout our relationship, I would find fault and decide that maybe I should move on. However, instead of moving on, I stayed with her. After all, for once I wasn't being cheated on. She hadn't done anything wrong, so how could I dump her? I realize what a horrible, weak person this makes me, and how I should have broken it off long ago instead of prolonging it. I realize this and it kills me.

The problems:
- We were totally uncommunicative about "us". We never once discussed marriage, moving in, etc in our several years together. I realize how utterly insane this is, and I have no clue how we managed to completely avoid it for such a very long time.
- Our relationship often lacked passion. She didn't kiss me like she loved me. We didn't have that playful physicality, etc. I thought maybe this just went away because we'd been together so long, and that that was normal after a certain amount of time. Is it?
- She is very shy and introverted, making social outings with my friends (often also introverted, but at least social) miserable for me. Mind you, she wasn't doing anything to make things miserable -- she just wasn't doing anything at all! She would hardly talk to my friends at all.
- This is really more my problem than hers, I guess, but I feed strongly on the emotional state of those with me. Even if she's having a good time, she expresses very little of it outwardly (i.e. at a concert, a sporting event, etc) -- so I spend my entire time at that event feeling crappy that she doesn't seem to be having a good time.

Basically, it's not that she did anything "wrong" -- it's just that we didn't seem to have chemistry anymore, and weren't working out. I didn't feel like I could spend the rest of my life with someone who didn't seem to express any actual enjoyment of the time we spent together, who couldn't socialize at least a little bit with my friends, etc.

I took WAY too long to do something about this. I realize what a horrible, weak person this makes me. I realize I should have broken up with her much sooner - especially because I was her first long term relationship, and I have crushed this girl's heart. I just kept thinking in the back of my mind "maybe this will turn around ... she hasn't done anything wrong... and she hasn't cheated on me!"

So, the breakup.... it was the most miserable several hours of my life. Finally, after I tell her it's over, that's when it comes out that she's wanted to be with me forever... that she's wanted to grow old with me, but been afraid to talk to me about it for fear of scaring me away... This seems normal for a while - maybe even a year or two... but several years? I think she should have felt comfortable talking to me if she wanted to. I don't place blame on her, though. I didn't initiate these types of conversations, either.

The problem, and the question:

It has been 4 days and I cannot stop reliving the breakup. I am going through a lot of other things right now too, with a dying relative, an immediate family member having a serious surgery, and a variety of other things, which certainly aren't helping my emotional state. I cannot stop re-hearing all of her begging and pleading for me to not leave. Seeing the tears in her eyes and feeling the snot on my neck as she bawled her eyes out in my arms, screaming bloody murder because I had just stabbed her in the heart.

The breakup plays in my head constantly. I see how upset I've made her, how I have crushed her, and it makes me feel horrible, weak and worthless. It makes me feel like one of the worst human beings alive. I thought being the dumper was supposed to be easier, but it's not. I cannot stop thinking about her and what I've done to her. I am obsessive about it.

I am also obsessive about our last communication - an email she sent quickly after the breakup where she noted that, as I suggested, she would be spending time with family and friends and trying to be strong. She specifically mentioned a friend had come to visit her, and while she was not specific, I know who that friend is. It's a guy who's been waiting to get into her pants for every single solitary moment that she and I have been together. I have known that he has been making not-so-subtle hints to her throughout our relationship, and that she has not reciprocated. I realize I've broken up with her, and she is no longer "mine" - she can do whatever she wants. I still can't help but feel sick to my stomach knowing that literally within hours, he is swooping in and taking advantage of her state of mind right now.

She also begged me in that email that this be a "break", not a "break up", and that we meet again in 2 weeks. I did not capitulate to this demand, as I felt that leading her on would be even more wrong than how long it took to finally voice my opinion about our relationship and break it off.

Finally, the questions:

Am I normal for obsessing over this breakup, even as the dumper and not the dumpee?

Am I crazy / stupid for worrying about this jerk who's been pining for her for several years now and is immediately rushing in?

After several years of a non communicative relationship - now that we've finally broken the ice during a breakup - is she right that now that we're finally talking, maybe we could/should try to salvage it and see what it's like when we communicate? I was so sure of my decision that we just weren't compatible. Now I'm doubting myself. Maybe I've been spurned so many times that I am just looking for an excuse to get out and avoid having it happen again?

I am a complete wreck. I am holding back tears every day at work. The breakup replays in my head when I'm laying in bed until I finally fall asleep. It replays in my head immediately upon waking up. I am doubting myself and my decision and I am at a complete loss. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

All I do know is that as much as I want to contact her, I know I can't. I won't. I will wait the 2 weeks that we agreed to. The 2 weeks that she begged me for. I just don't know that all the time in the world will ever sort this out.

How do you break up with someone who loves you?

Anonymous — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 12:31:23 -0800

How do you break up with someone who loves you? I badly need advice on how to break up with my SO.

I love my SO very much. My SO loves me very much.

My SO is my best friend and is extremely loyal to me and cares about me more than anyone else ever has.

We live in the same building but hang out every day and spend every night together, and have good times together.

The reasons that I want to break up: my SO is not an intellectual person, at all. I want to be with someone who is. That is the only reason I want to break up; my SO did not do anything wrong. But it has become very important to me, and I think it is wrong of me to stay in the relationship and waste more of my SO's time, knowing that I want to end up with someone with a quality that my SO does not have.

A second, MUCH more minor reason that I want to break up is that although I am attracted to my SO, I would like to be with someone I am more attracted to.

I haven't started acting distant or giving hints that I want to break up. We are still very affectionate with each other. We still kiss and hold hands. We still hang out every single day for hours (if I said I didn't want to hang out even one day, my SO would become upset and know something was wrong). We still buy each other lunch and give each other little presents. We take trips together, we watch TV together, we joke and laugh. I did feel guilty having sex with my SO while having these feelings though, so we have not had sex in weeks.

My SO was a lifesaving source of moral support for me when my father died. They would not hesitate to do anything for me that I needed. I feel horrible guilt that I received that kind of support from them, and now I'm doing this.

They are the last person on earth who deserves to be hurt like this. I also hate the idea that they will become a hurt person who is wary of caring about someone the way they did about me.

How can you break up with someone like this, who never did anything wrong?

I'm also worried about my SO. They are good at taking care of other people but not themself. When I met them, they didn't know a single person in our city, and were living in an apartment that should be condemned. Even now, I am still their only friend not only in our city, but in this whole country. I think my SO will probably burn bridges with me when we break up, and I am so worried about what will happen to them because then they will be completely alone.

How can I do this? What process do I need to go through? I would appreciate all advice you have, in as much detail as you want to give.

I have never been in this situation before. I have only broken up with people who I didn't care about and who didn't care about me. I've never broken up with someone I loved, or who loved me.

How should I deal with my on-again, off-again relationship? Should I try to fix it, or should I just break up with her? (Ridiculously long and detail-heavy question.)

Anonymous — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 20:12:49 -0800

How should I deal with my on-again, off-again relationship? Should I try to fix it, or should I just break up with her? (Ridiculously long and detail-heavy question.) So, some background info: First off, I'm a guy (in case that matters to people). This girl and I have been seeing each other on and off for the last 3 years. We got together when we were both in pretty bad mental states, so things like different personalities/goals/values weren't really on our minds back then. We both just needed someone to be in each other's lives so we wouldn't feel so bad about how empty our own lives were. And for a while, it worked, and all was good. We spent nearly all of our time together that first year, and somewhere along the way, we fell for each other hard.

The flip side is that spending time with someone allows you to learn more about each other, and over time we have both realized that there were a lot of ways in which she and I are "incompatible". Examples include:

PERSONALITY
- She's much quicker to jump to fighting, insults, and arguments. I have a generally more supportive, calming personality (and would like that in my significant other).
- She is also a lot more stubborn about her values and goals, and rarely, if ever, sees another person's point of view (namely mine).
- As a result of the previous two points, it's incredibly difficult to communicate with her. This one point is the most makes the fact that the following issues exist much more problematic.
- She's pretty outgoing and social, whereas I am much more content to stay in most of the time. (More a problem for her than for me.)

SOCIAL VALUES
- I'm definitely on the conservative side of the social values spectrum; for example, I place a high value on things like dressing modestly (it's a religious thing), and am strongly anti-smoking. She is a definitely more liberal than I in regards to these two issues (for example, she smokes on occasion).

PERSONAL GOALS
- She much happier in a big city setting, whereas I'm much happier living in suburbia.
- She also wants to be a hot-shot doctor of some type (think surgeon or cardiologist), whereas I want to live a life where I have a lot of time to spend with my (future) wife and kids. Ideally, I'd like to marry someone who also plans to spend a good deal of time with me and the family. (This is another aspect of my socially conservative tendencies.)

RELIGIOUS VALUES
- While she and I share the same religion, we have different understandings of the role that that religion should play in our lives. I definitely want it to play a very prominent role in my life, while she is content to have it play a much smaller role than I. (Another aspect of my socially conservative leanings.)

It's important for me to say that when I started realizing how different she and I were, I definitely started holding back in the relationship (e.g., not saying 'I love you'), and only recently have come clean with her about how much I was holding back. (This is mostly because I was in another relationship more than a few years ago in which I did not hold back at all, and was emotionally devastated (to put it lightly) after that relationship ended supremely badly.)

As it stands now, I am trying to figure out what I can do to either fix this situation, or extricate myself from it amicably and with a minimum of drama. To that end, there are many different thoughts that are running through my head:

First and foremost, I love this girl completely and with all my heart. That never fails to complicate things.

My brain tells me that if she and I do not share compatible goals and personality characteristics, then she and I will not have a happy and fulfilling future together, no matter how much we love each other [now]. My brain also tells me that our values are the things which make us successful, and that it is important that I find someone who shares the values that I hold dear.

My heart tells me that nevertheless, love is not something that should be discarded effortlessly, that it should be cherished and handled with care.

Another part of my brain, or perhaps my heart, makes me ask: "Am I overreacting about these different issues? Should these issues be less important to me than they are? Should I try to stop holding back from now on, and see where things lead?" It also makes me ask: "Should we try to work things out? HOW should we try to work things out, if we do? If I do decide to try to work things out with her, what indications should I look for that we're making progress? And therefore, when should I know to give up?"

And then my brain tells me: you know you're probably just trying to delay the inevitable by thinking that way. You already know what things are important to you, and you're just trying to find a way to please everyone and get out of what needs to be done. Your thoughts on love are wrong, or are at least misguided in this situation, and are holding you back from what you know you need to do. You've been in this on-again off-again relationship for the past 3 years, so do you really expect things to change for the better?

(For the record, we're both in our early 20's, so this is not a high school relationship. Also, this is only the second relationship I've ever been in, so that might explain why I'm having so much difficulty with either figuring out what our options are, or breaking up with her.)

So ... what the hell do I do? Should I re-enter this relationship with the mindset that I need to stop holding back emotionally, and see where things lead or how things improve?

Should I bring these different issues to her, and tell her that I want to be with her, but we need to come to some sort of compromise on these different issues?

Or, do I tell her that I have nothing but the utmost respect and love for her, but after 3 years, it's clear to me that our values/goals/personality/etc are incompatible ... and that it makes more sense for me to show her that love and respect by splitting up with her and allowing her to find someone who will share those values and goals with her?

(And if breaking up with her for good is the right decision, how can I justify it to myself and make me believe it so that I actually go through with it? If you couldn't tell from the post, I have a pretty bad case of breaking-up phobia...)

Thoughts, experiences, and general advice on how to get over my fear of being the one to do the actual breaking up are all welcome.

How do you DTMFA when you're the one who got dumped?

Anonymous — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 06:44:44 -0800

He broke up with me eight months ago. We are still living together. Although he initiated the breakup, he isn't initiating anything else... like, say, moving out and moving on with his life. We've been living together for the duration of our relationship; we met when he moved to my city and into my flatshare. We subsequently moved into our own place several months later. It's been two years in total.

The relationship always had its ups and downs. We are both late-20s, though he's a bit younger than me. During the time we've been together, my guy has always struggled with stress, uncertainty and unhappiness about his job. While fundamentally he likes what he does, he hates living in The Big City. He had never lived away from his teensy little hometown before he moved here, so it was quite an adjustment for him. Oh, and he also came straight out of university and this was his first "real job".

He met me straight away after moving to The Big City, and in some ways I think that was the worst thing that could have happened to him; we fell into together and I became his built-in best friend, social network, entertainment, sole source of emotional support, etc. He never really bothered to try and create his own independent life here, never really made any friends or ventured out on him own. It put a lot of pressure on me and the relationship to be "everything" to him, and of course I failed to live up to that standard time and time again. And because of his job, he must stay here for at least four more years.

I did my best to be supportive of my guy, but I also often got frustrated at what I saw as his lack of initiative, his tendency to "shut down", and his unwillingness to really engage with me or anyone (or anything) else. What probably in any other situation would have been easily surmountable differences ("what do you mean, you don't want to go to the museum with me?!") in our case started to seem like dealbreakers. Looking back on it now, I can see quite clearly that much of what I was frustrated about with him were possibly classic signs of depression. He has since sort of admitted to being depressed, but refuses to seek treatment.

Despite our arguments, I loved him and was fiercely committed to him. I believed he was committed to me, too, and he always talked about our long-term future together. But he also kept saying the fighting was taking a toll on him, emotionally and physically, and finally said he wanted "time off" from the relationship. Two weeks later, we got into another blazing row, and he finally threw in the towel altogether, saying he couldn't take the fighting anymore and didn't see any sort of long-term potential for us because we were “too incompatible”.

That was eight months ago. Because of various financial and professional reasons, we initially decided we'd continue living in the apartment for the short-term. Obviously, this has not been a particularly easy situation, but somehow we've made it work. In fact, it's worked so well that there's been almost no fighting since the breakup; we've had some conversations about the relationship, it’s been made clear there are still feelings there on both sides. We have had fun together. We’re close. BUT, he has held fast to the line that "we're just not meant for each other" and that he "just wants to be on his own".

But so here’s the thing. NOTHING, I repeat, NOTHING has changed since we broke up. He still wants to share a bed, to cuddle, to do things together. But no, he doesn’t want to “be together”. I keep asking him when he’s going to move out; he keeps dragging his feet and making excuses.

I originally thought maybe he was keeping me on a short leash while he checked out his options, or that he even had somebody else waiting in the wings But he has said he’s not seeing anyone else and doesn’t want to see anyone else; I know for a fact that he is not seeing anyone. For awhile I kept him at arm’s length, not wanting to let him get the advantages of having me without being committed to me, but over the course of eight months that is exactly what I have allowed him to do. For somebody who “just wants to be alone”, he hasn’t taken any steps to actually BE ALONE.

He says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, yet he IS STILL IN A RELATIONSHIP for all intents and purposes. He clearly still cares about me, or at least says he does, and doesn’t seem motivated to change anything about the situation.

I know I am an idiot for having let him get away with this for as long as I have, but I love him and I guess I just deluded myself into thinking that somehow we were going to get back together.

And I know what I need to do to stop the insanity: I have to move out and get on with my own life. I guess it would just be easier to leave what still appears to be a perfectly good relationship if I had some perspective on why this is happening.

Why would you say you wanted to get out of an “incompatible” relationship, then not do it? Fear of change? Fear of being alone? He says he wants to be alone but I’m not really certain that he knows what that actually means. And I think he’s too depressed and confused to know what he really wants anyway.

Is there any way to salvage what we have, or do I just need to do the needful already and DTMF who dumped me?

Email me: doidumpmydumper@googlemail.com

Help me help myself.

Anonymous — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 05:48:21 -0800

Help me piece my life back together. The past month and a half has been awful for reasons I will break down into three parts.
1) My boyfriend and I broke up twice, the second time in an awful, bitter manner. We're no longer speaking. I've never experienced an un-amicable breakup before, so have been having major problems reconciling myself to the fact that he's out of my life. I was very much in love with him, so it's been tough, to say the least. To make matters worse, a mutual friend just told me he [the ex] is depressed verging on the suicidal. I don't know what to do with that information. I want to help him, but he loathes me [irrationally, I promise] and I feel helpless.

2) I had a really difficult quarter in school; barely scraped by in a couple of my classes. I decided to change majors, which would have left me feeling discombobulated at the best of times. Given the other unrest going on, I'm having a really difficult time adjusting to this new idea of who I am, the X major instead of the Y major. They're not radically different when it comes down to it, but the way I think about my field of study has changed, and, as such, so has part of my identity. So, that sucks.

3) I recently got home for Christmas break and was looking forward to relaxing after this jarring quarter at school. Two days ago, I was informed by my father [who has been married to my mother for 20-odd years] that he's flying across the country on Boxing Day to visit a woman with whom he is having an affair. My mother knows about his indiscretion and has not kicked him out of the house. They're trying to figure out how an eventual divorce will shake out. Since he told me, we've been going about our business pretending nothing has changed. Everything has changed!

So, I guess my question is this: where do I go from here? How does one adjust to three disconcerting changes at once, when love life, acadmeic life, and family life are all part of the problem and thus none of them can be relied on to keep one sane? How do I reinvent myself as a single Y-major who will soon be the product of a broken home?

Turning to religion isn't an option, FWIW.

Ch-ch-changes

Anonymous — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 15:25:50 -0800

Do (physically) abusive people ever change their ways? I am in love with my abusive ex boyfriend. We broke up a long time ago but I have never met anyone else like him (you know, the good bits about him), and given we started dating at a young age, I feel that potentially his abusive bouts were "growing pangs". I want nothing more than to give him a second chance, even though at this point it could easily mean a huge life changing mistake on my part.

We have both dated other people in the mean time, but I still really, really miss him. I used to consider myself a very strong person to whom this sort of bs could never happen, but now sort of think it could happen to anyone. I got over beating myself up for "letting it happen", directed the anger at the responsible party, and, gasp, tried to work through his issues with him.

So, mefites, is it possible for people to change? Am I just being a typical victim? Do I need therapy, stat?

From married to separated in 6 hours or less

Anonymous — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 20:41:55 -0800

So my husband is moving out today. How do I do this? This is kind of out of left field, but not completely. Things have been growing distant between us, but neither of us would acknowledge it until I forced him into a conversation tonight. And I (for the first time ever) suggested a legal seperation, less than half meaning it. He doesn't want to take it that far, but thinks that moving into his parents empty house for at least a week before we make any major moves is a good idea. So we've gone from "I love you, you're the best girl in the world" to moving out in less than a day...I've really been blind sided by this, but am trying to be very adult about the whole thing.

Does this mean we're seperating? Breaking up? Taking a "time out"? ...how am I supposed to...everything? In your experience, MeFi's, how is this handled with any dignity at all? Would you recommend complete seperation for the time - no calling, no visiting? Do I drive him and a suitcase over there or just wave goodbye from our front door? Let him see me sobbing or show as little emotion and be as polite and practical as possible?

What can we do that makes this thing work with the best chance of either putting our relationship back together with the least amount of damage inflicted on eachother, or going our seperate ways with any sort of civility and dignity?

Bonus detail - I have no one here to turn to. I live with him in his country, half a globe from my family and any friends that aren't mutual.

I know this is a really vague question, but I've just had the wind knocked out of me and I honestly am at a loss as to how this next hour, day, weekend...how does this go?

I need to break up with my boyfriend, but I need some advice on how.

giggleknickers — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 09:47:18 -0800

How do I break up with my boyfriend? My boyfriend and I have been together for over five years and living together for four. He is the absolute sweetest boy, and sometimes I can't believe how good he is to me. He is very attached to me, constantly hugging me and stuff. If I'm out all day, he tells me how he missed me once I get back.

Unfortunately, over the past six months, I just don't feel like I'm in love with him anymore and I just don't want to be with him anymore. I hoped it would pass, but it's not looking like it.

He has only had one serious girlfriend before me and I know he was suicidal when she broke up with him.

I've never been dumped myself, so I just want some advice on how to minimize the hurt as much as possible. I don't know what to say, what not to say, what to do, what not to do. I keep hearing that "Let's be friends," is one of the worst things you can say (though I can't understand why apart from the cliché factor), so I guess that's out?

He is having a hard time financially at the moment, and moving out and getting a new apartment can be expensive, so I would like to give him some money. Is that acceptable?

Gah, just some advice, please. I'm feeling nauseous from the guilt here. I care about him so much.

How to address recurring doubts about a long-term relationship

Anonymous — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 13:27:04 -0800

In serious, long-term relationships, how have you dealt with nagging doubts? How have you sorted through those doubts and then either set them aside and committed yourself, or decided to end things? The question is about decision-making, getting out of ruts and cycles, and discerning what's real out of a set of mixed feelings.

I'm 30 and female, and I'm in a four-year relationship that is generally sweet, solid, and good. I love him a lot, we share lots of values, and sometimes I daydream about us getting married and having children. But I also have this nagging feeling that though things aren't bad, they're not good either -- that we're not close in certain ways I want to be, that I might be happier in another situation, and that because of being with him, I might be unhappy and lonely in low-grade ways.

Here's how the cycle of doubt looks. We'll be going along happily until something small will happen that sets off some doubts.¹ For two or three days I'll try to suppress them as my internal worries grow.² I'll feel increasingly afraid that I've been living in denial about problems. I'll have a heart-sinking feeling that maybe we shouldn't be together and think "how can I be serious about this relationship when _____?"³ Then I'll talk to him about the issue,⁴ and we'll resolve to try to improve it somehow. With that out in the open and hopefully on the road to improvement, I'll feel closer to him, and we'll get back into our daily groove for the next three weeks or so, until this happens again.
1. eg, at a wedding, I’ll enjoy talking with the other people more than with him
2. eg, I’ll think about the frustrations I know I have with our conversations (interruptions, him not really paying attention), and then I'll start to think about what all that might add up to
3. “…when we don’t even have good conversation? That’s a huge part of everyday life!”
4. say, the next time he responds distractedly, I’ll let on that it really annoyed me, and that will lead to a conversation about the bigger concern

I want to stop this cycle of doubt somehow and be more constant and happy. I realize relationships have ups and downs, but I'd like to keep them from rattling me so much. I don't like feeling so unsettled, and I don't like unsettling him. I'd like to stop this cycle of doubt and either really commit to this relationship or move on.

I almost posted a list of what is working well and what issues I think about when I'm freaking out (there are a few that recur). But I'd rather hear how you have sorted through doubts in your own relationships. How have you decided you could live with things as they were, solved the problems somehow, or decided to break up? I realize it's tempting to tell me what to do ("eg, you get unstuck from this cycle by breaking up"), but what I'm really asking is how to figure this out for myself, how to decide to break up, or on the other hand, about how to address these doubts or leave them behind. Thank you for reading this long question.

i feel like a teenager :\

Anonymous — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 18:37:48 -0800

If I know I wont be happy with him in the long term, why is it so hard to break up with him now? 28 year old female, been with my boyfriend for just over two years. he's cute, smart, creative and funny. i love the good times with him - cuddling and watching movies and being silly. i guess you could say on a small scale, he's great. on a larger scale, we totally dont match up in several areas i understand to be "key" to a lasting relationship, mostly surrounding the ideas of stability, support and growth.

having a certain (not insane) level of stability is really, really important to me. i had a strange childhood and have problems now with anxiety. he's comfortable wherever and doesnt understand why i "worry" all the time. money is not important to him at all - he's a musician and an artist and works menial jobs. support is important to me in that i want a relationship with someone who feels like my (sexy) tag-team partner. i will always have their back and i want to feel like they've got mine too. there have been at least 3 cases in our relationship where ive felt like i got no support from him when i desperately needed it. when i was upset that i wasnt getting the support, he didnt understand at all. in terms of growth, love love LOVE my super awesome job and work very hard at it. im very involved socially and professionally and see it going somewhere. i want to maybe start putting money away for important things soon and get a better place to live. i dont have his support in this, financially or emotionally. we never talk about my job, except that he thinks that i work too much. its just not important to him and he doesnt understand having a job that you love.

on all these cases, i dont want to force him to do anything, much less fake caring about something. im not his mom, and im not a demanding bitchy girlfriend. i feel like supporting me and understanding what i need should come from the heart, not me directing him how, when and why to do something.

so, it comes to us talking about breaking up. he is unhappy because im too dedicated to my job (that's not going to change), we dont have sex enough (i think we do...) and he just feels me being distant. i have gotten distant. i've told him that i just dont think we have a future together. it all makes sense that we should break up, because as i feel in my head but cant express to him, every day that i'm with him means im not meeting the guy who will fulfill all these desires.

so why is this so hard? its breaking my heart to think of not being with him cuddling at night or just hanging out. i feel like i cant get any hold on my emotions or express myself logically to him, and its not only making this harder for me, its making it way harder for him.

How to relate to my parents during their divorce?

salvia — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 08:35:26 -0800

My parents are getting a divorce. How do I support them? How do I relate to them without it being terribly weird on me? How do I stop worrying about them so much? I'm 30 and live on the opposite coast. They've been "working on things" for a couple years. Neither was that satisfied, but my mom was more willing to do something about it, and she made the final decision against his will. I can completely understand her decision. My dad moved into his own apartment in early June. She feels relieved, mostly. He feels rejected and mad. He is also being something of a martyr (reminding us to call her, "letting her have the church"). I'd rather he just get on to being selfish and hurt and mad, but I guess everything has its season.

My first question is fairly simple -- imagine you're 58 and ending a 38 year marriage. What support could a daughter who lives across the country provide? Emotional support? Magazine subscriptions?

My second question is longer. Feel free to skip it if you want. How do I relate to them? I call them, but I don't exactly know what to talk about. Mainly, I ask how things are and listen. But with my dad, I also remind him we can help and give unrequested advice, like "I heard the two most important ways to avoid depression are exercise and socializing." The entire conversation has this subtext: "are you going to be okay? I want you to be okay." I don't want to turn into the nagging, caretaking oldest daughter. I want to be cool and give him space to feel whatever he's feeling without having to reassure me.

Talking to them sends me into a funk afterwards. I keep thinking about what they're going through and imagining them upset and in pain, my dad especially. I try to remind myself I really can't know what it's like, and that me making myself depressed doesn't help anyone. How do parents deal with watching their kids go through pain? I suppose my own sadness must be tied up in there, but if they were fine, I think I'd be 80% happy with it, too.

Then, there are the details, like have they spoken? I don't ask for them, but I don't discourage them. I have this perverse desire to know how bad it is really, to make it real for myself. They don't give that many, so it seems okay. But then I hear the details from both sides. My dad told me he sent my mom an email about logistics. She said she "got an email that said her haircut is matronly and she should wear her hair like she did back when she was in her twenties." WTF? It's a bewildering statement, but if you think about it for a minute or two, it's also really sad in several ways. So, maybe I should say I don't want to know any details, but then do we just talk about the weather? "I hear your house just burned to the ground. So, hey, can you see any birds from there?"

Plus, I feel like I have more experience with breakups than either of them do. They got married when they were 20. I know my several one- to four-year relationships are not directly comparable, but I still want to send Jon Cusack to watch over them. Since I can't, I watch the details I get like a doctor watching for early signs of breakup infection. Then I remind myself, who am I to say what's best, and didn't I survive doing stupid post-breakup stuff, and what would I do anyway?

Can anyone advise me about how to think about this and how to relate to them? I'll be seeing my dad, along with my brothers, for a week in mid-July. Sorry this is so long, and thanks for your help.

At least tell me to take a hike!

slyboots421 — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 22:41:46 -0800

Not only have I never had an official relationship, I've also never had an official breakup. Guys seem to prefer falling off the face of the earth than telling me "I don't like you." Why is that? In my approximately 10 years of noticing the opposite sex/getting involved with them, not a single guy has given me the decency of a "Hey, this isn't working out" or "I'm just not that into you" or whatever. Instead they stop calling, and I'm left to wonder what I did wrong.

I've heard all the same stuff - "He got scared," "He's just an asshole," etc. but I'm wondering, from guys especially, what really goes into the decision to just fall off the face of a girl's earth. If anything.

And just to clarify, I'm not a crazyperson who calls and calls and calls and calls until I drive both of us batty. This latest situation involved a guy who told me he didn't want a relationship in the beginning, I said I didn't either, and we had a nice time hanging out together, nothing too serious. However, he showed up at my house once at 4 am flashing his brights in my window begging me to let him in (I didn't), and now about two weeks later, he could be in a coma for all I know. We hung out after the brights incident, and everything was fine. I haven't tried to get in touch with him apart from returning his call a week ago, so I really am baffled.

I'm also not opposed to suggestions that this is something I'm doing, though I know I'd need to give more explanation. I would like to know what I'm doing wrong, if it IS me, so this doesn't happen anymore. I guess if you have any ideas in this vein, stick 'em out there so I can answer. :)

I know people break up, or stop talking, or whatever. That part isn't as bothersome as not knowing why, or not getting the decency of an actual end.

At the whims and fancies of someone unsure of what they want?

Anonymous — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 19:46:30 -0800

Badly in need of advice. Long, complicated story spanning 3 countries and 5 people. Warning: VERY long story ahead. Ok, so I was with my girlfriend for 3 years, and never once did I cheat, or was tempted to cheat or anything. We had many problems, many of them mine, and she forgave me. She spent half of the 3 years abroad, and half of the other 3 with me, so it was pretty difficult, but we trusted each other. She's also a few years younger than I am.

Late last year I moved to another country to go to graduate school. It was just after my gf and I spent a vacation together where we had a great time, but that time was preceded by some very difficult ones. She said after we parted, she had time to think about all the problems we had, and began talking to a guy online who she knew a little bit, and things progressed into more than a normal friendship.

I found out about it, felt hurt and betrayed, and when we met again in December she lied about meeting him for coffee, and talking to him etc. He liked her and hed be at places shed frequent, and they ended up meeting and talking.

When I came back to grad school, other incidents involving the guy happened and I ended the relationship. However, I also started talking to this girl from my class, very smart, witty and good looking. She displayed an interest in me, we started talking a lot, however she had a boyfriend. She said they were on the verge of breaking up. We got along great, went out one night and kissed, then she felt guilty, and we went home.

Her bf realized something was going on with her, and told her he's willing to forget it, if she ends it. That was the first time she told me we needed to stop talking. I was pretty hurt by it because I had really started liking her, we had talked about many things and hit it off; I thought we had a good chance of getting together.

A couple days later we started talking again, and wed talk on the phone, talk in school, but never went out again because there were always ppl around that knew her and her bf.

After a couple weeks, I asked her if she's going to break up with her bf, because I couldnt handle knowing that she was with someone else. She said no she's not going to, she feels obligated to him because when she was in a very bad state she got together with him and he took care of her and put her back on her feet, and she feels obligated to him. Plus he treats her so well, irons her clothes, makes breakfast for her, lets her drive his car to work while he gets the bus, etc. She doesnt want to be the type of person her ex-fiance was. She was engaged before her current bf, planning the wedding, then found out her fiance was cheating on her all the time. That really wrecked her emotionally, and now she basically hates all men. She got depressed, quit her job, moved away for a while etc, pretty much wrecked. Obviously its not all obligation shes with him for, she obviously loves him too. He's at her house much of the time, gets along with all her family and almost lives there.

So when I asked her about it, she got upset, said we needed to stop talking, we can just be friends, nothing more. As before, a couple days later, either Id call her, or shed call me making up some flimsy excuse, and wed talk for hours. We'd talk about many things, and I questions shed ask me are things shed want to know before, say, we ever got together. We'd also talk about many personal things you wouldnt share with everyone. However, although shed make time to talk to me, whenever her bf was around, she couldnt accept my calls, and most of the time I call she wouldnt answer, but would call back. Essentially we spoke mostly when she wanted us to. Sometimes Id call her at work to say hi, hang up, then shed call back immediately after, and wed talk till she had to go.

As time went on again, Id confront her about what shes doing, I couldnt handle the situation, then shed get upset again and say we need to stop talking, shes not leaving her bf. This happened about 7-8 times. I couldnt understand because of the many things wed talk about, I found it astonishing it was so easy for her to just cut off from me. She had told me she finds it easy to just stop talking to people, but I couldnt believe it was this easy. Whenever she said we need to stop talking, Id sit around by the phone waiting for her to call, and then shed call and act normal, and we'd fall into the cycle again.

Essentially, everything was in her control. A few days ago, we were in a study room together, and I told her I was going to kiss her, she said ok, and at the last moment turned away. Then she got upset again, we both did, and went through the entire we cant be around each other thing again, how would I feel if my gf was doing this, etc. I persuaded her to stay cause we needed to study, and we did, but it was awkward. That night, she called! For no reason, just to chat. After the entire argument about not talking on the phone and being just friends, she called.

Yesterday we were in a study room together alone, and we were basically playing around, and one thing led to the next and I basically got to second base with her. We eventually studied till in the afternoon, she called me when I was still on the way home for no reason. Called me again after that. At night we spoke, and she said things went way overboard, its not ever going to happen again, and we need to stop talking, for real this time (shes said that before). We can just meet to study, and no talking apart from that.

Oh, when she has these discussions with me, she acts so cold, as if Im a complete stranger, and not the same person shes called crying when she was having a hard time in school, and the same person she sat and talked to and cried about how hurtful her past was. So cold it surprises me, and thats what hurts the most, the coldness. Whenever Im around her and feeling down cause of the latest severing of communication, she asks me why Im down. I then ask her why do you think, and she says never mind. We've been studying for the last 2 weeks, and shed brace her foot against mine, and other little physical things, that just encourage me more.

Today I saw her at school, told her good luck on the exam. Afterward she left but I called her, we talked for a while, then she called back spoke for a short while. In the afternoon she called in response to a msg I sent her and we spoke for about 20 minutes. Tonight I tried calling her, it rang out, and she called back. We spoke for a short time then her bf came over and she had to come off the phone.

At the same time, my exgf, has been begging me for us to get back together, and has paid half of the plane ticket for me to go up and see her in one week. I still love her, but things have changed after her actions, and my actions, none of which she knows about. This girl from my class is my age, which is about 4 years older than my exgf, is much more mature, and a completely different person than my exgf, who is also very attractive and cute in her own different way. They are very different people.

Every time the girl from my class has to go because her bf arrives, every time she tells me we need to stop talking, every time he calls when we're studying, every time he picks her up, I feel like so much shit. She's pretty much the one who dictates how, when or if we talk. But she refuses to leave her bf. She also basically controls him, he does whatever she wants, when she wants, how she wants. He does practically everything for her, she hardly ever has to do anything.

I also feel so terrible because I think in some ways I broke up with my exgf to be with her, instead of trying harder at a 3yr relationship. And now Im the one left out in the cold. Whenever she feels like she calls me or talks to me, but I dont always have access to her. And Ive been the fool to just accept that kind of treatment.

I know she likes me, well I'm pretty sure she does, she just can't keep away from me every time she says we need to stop talking, but whenever she decides, she gets so cold, cuts me off and goes back to her bf.

Im leaving in a week to try to work things out with my exgf. Ive hidden from the girl in my class the fact that my exgf will be where Im going, I guess because Im holding out that something will work out between us. But more and more I'm realizing what kind of person she is. My exgf is very committed to trying to work things out, and has been for all of the last 3 months.

Please, any advice is much appreciated. I am sorry this is so long, but it's a complicated story.

That Whole No-Contact Rule Thing

idle — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 15:12:29 -0800

What is this whole no-contact rule for breakups and does it work? My question history has more on my specific situation, but basically I had a relationship for a few months that was great, until I realized there were some skeletons in the closet and went off my rocker. I broke up with him and on the advice of friends, initiated the no-contact thing. I set my timer for a month.

One week in, I was romanticizing the relationship and fantasizing about getting back together. I sent him a short e-mail and we met for dinner. Back at my apartment he held me close and we discussed getting back together. It was right before break, so he said we'd think about it until school got back.

Over break we talked a lot and it seemed things were going OK, but when we got back he said he no longer had feelings for me. It hurt to have hoped for a month and have him let me down like that.

These past two weeks we stupidly tried the whole "just friends," but it felt really out of context for me...here was this man I used to embrace just treating me like I was any of his guy friends. Part of me also still wanted to prove to him that I had changed so he'd care about me again. I told him tonight that I couldn't do it.

It's hard because we will be on opposite sides of the globe next year and we really did enjoy doing things together. There is also the added complication that many of my friends recently graduated and I'm pretty lonely. It seems like a shame not to see him.

I guess my question is...how should this no-contact thing work? Is there a way to know how long is appropriate? How do you keep the resolve when you a feeling low?