Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with breakups

How much contact is appropriate after a break-up?

mellosphere — Tue, 08 Jan 2013 15:09:07 -0800

I broke up with my then-fiancée in September 2012. What is the appropriate amount of contact after a break-up? I've struggled with finding a good balance. Give me some advice for the next go-round. I'm 22 (m) and have had 3 dating relationships. The first, in high school, and the second, freshman year of college, each lasted about 6 months. I started and ended both of these relationships. After I broke up with each of them, I think I held on too much, didn't know how to end things well, and initiated too much contact. I had no intention of getting back together with them, but it was one of those things where I missed having someone to hang out with. I would call or text or email every so often and just check up on said ex-girlfriend. I realize this was not good on my part, and it didn't give them the space to get over me, especially after I was the one who broke up with them. They never mentioned that they didn't want to hear from me; in fact, both clearly said they still liked talking to me and keeping in touch. When they both verbalized (one very directly) that they were hoping I would reconsider going back into the relationship, I realized that keeping up communications was really selfish of me. I put their hopes to rest and decided I didn't want to go down that road of confusion again.

Fast forward 3 years, I was engaged and broke up with my fiancée. I'm not looking for a perspective on the appropriate age or time of life to get engaged/married...let's just say that I thought I was ready, then realized I'm not, and am glad I realized that before we actually got married. Anyway, I broke up with her in September (tried to follow Miko's advice which seems pretty solid) and, remembering that I didn't want to repeat what I had done with the other two relationships, went completely no-contact. And I mean, completely - no calls, no texts, no tweets. We still live in the same town but our social circles really weren't very entwined so I had no difficulties separating socially. We have, for the most part, completely separate sets of friends. I don't have facebook so that wasn't an issue. I didn't see her for almost 4 months. The no-contact strategy seemed highly recommended by this site and other individuals. There were 2 times between September and the end of the year where she contacted me about very specific things, and I did my best to reply politely but not make it seem like there would be any further contact beyond what she had asked about.

We ended up running into each other at a hockey game on NYE. She texted me and asked if we could chat sometime, and I said that would be fine, so we did a few days later. At this meeting, not only did she re-express feelings for me, but also criticized me for not keeping in touch. She said she was very worried about me after the break-up and that I should have updated her once in a while just to let her know how I was doing, if I was alive, if there was another girl in the picture, and to ask her how she was doing as well. Evidently, my very strict no-contact had not helped her move on and she was still holding on to the hope that we might end up together, even though I have zero thoughts about doing so and every time she has asked about that I have firmly stated it is not a possibility. Going forward, she requested that I let her know when I start dating someone else because she thinks that will make it easier for her to get over me. I said I probably won't do that because I don't have any idea when that will happen and plus why does it matter to you? She said that it seemed like I didn't care about her heart at all if I wouldn't even tell her when I had found someone else.

So...what's your take on the contact/no-contact approaches after break-ups? For me, going no-contact was just what I needed to move on. I don't feel ties to her as anything more than a distant friend. But is that just because I was the one initiating the break-up? I don't despise any of the girls I've dated, but I had come to think that no-contact mode was generally the best way to go. I don't plan on contacting her when I get back from living abroad in July, or when I start grad school in August, or when I start dating someone else whenever that is. Is that wrong of me? My ex-fiancée certainly seemed to think it was disrespectful to break her heart and then disappear into the wind. I can be somewhat of a loner, so the disappearing act is no problem for me.

tl;dr: From both perspectives of being broken up with and being the one who is initiating the break-up, what worked the best or caused the least pain for both parties as far as keeping in touch post-break-up? Or do you see something in my specific experience that you can relate to or help me see what I should do better?

Friendship breakdowns and fallouts

Anonymous — Sun, 06 Jan 2013 09:22:54 -0800

I am upset at a (once) close friend, how do I work out the anger on my own and get past it? I was very, very close with this person for well over a decade. She called me her best friend. One day, she started blowing me off. After months of this, I asked her if I had done anything wrong. She said that she had been a bad friend, but that she started to feel like she didn't want to be responsible for me, and that she felt pressure from the "best friend" label (which I never instigated as I don't really understand it). Part of the not wanting to be "responsible" for me thing was due to a tendency I have not to want to miss out on things, which I acknowledge, but that worsened a little after my LTR dissolved. Rather than understanding, or at least a conversation that she was getting frustrated, she blew me off without explanation until I approached her.

Anyway, she apologised and left. I always take a bit of time to process things, and the more I processed, the angrier I got. I am upset because after so many years of friendship, she didn't feel I was worth a conversation instead of blowing me off (particularly as she has done this to others. I guess I was more hurt because I thought I was somehow immune to it). I am upset because when I was a bit of work to her she blew me off, I was completely present when her LTR blew up a year earlier (please note, I was not considered "work" to others, and do have wonderfully loyal friends). I am upset because mutual friends will say "yeah, she does do that sometimes" and I feel on the outer (this pertains to the "missing out" feeling which I am working on pretty successfully and is my own problem I know). I am upset because after she apologised she continued to blow me off just as much as ever.

I know her and her past history well enough to know that if called out on it, she will retreat further. So I resolved to wait for her to come around, and understood she was also dealing with some of her own life drama. But now I realise there's no point in waiting, so I stopped. I do not seek her out anymore, and mutual gatherings are generally so well populated our paths don't cross. Things are mostly fine. But I am left with these feelings of anger I don't know what to do with or how to dispel by myself. I don't want to involve others, and I don't think another conversation will help anyone, unless she approaches me this time or something. I want to know how to let go of this, and perhaps understand why I am so particularly upset by it.

Anon due to mutual pals being on mefi.

Um, please don't pile on me.

Can't stop picturing it!

galenka — Tue, 11 Dec 2012 18:47:10 -0800

How do you stop picturing your ex having a romantic date and sex with the new person he's dating, when someone has told you exactly where they are and what they are doing? Alright MeFi. I just had a whirlwind of an intense romance for the past month. It abruptly ended with me being dumped, and the guy moving on to an acquaintance of mine almost immediately.

A few days ago, he ended things with me by telling me he knows I'm not the one, and that he and this other girl had hooked up and are dating now. Then yesterday, a different acquaintance told me all about this big movie/dinner date that he and the other girl have coming up tomorrow and how excited the other girl is about it. (The acquaintance had no idea that this guy and I had been dating, and was just making some gossippy chit-chat about people we both know.)

I am extremely raw about being dumped, and I am going to be picturing every minute of this date. Every time I look at the clock tomorrow I am going to know where they are and what they are doing. I am going to be picturing all the kissing and hand holding.

When the movie is over I am going to be picturing them going home and having sex together. I am going to be picturing them in bed naked and having pillow talk. I am going to keep trying to think of other things and distract myself but my mind is going to keep snapping back to it.

HOW DO I STOP THIS????? I do not want to be imagining these things at all. I do not want to be thinking about these people. How do you stop picturing this when you KNOW what is happening?? Help me :(

How do you get over such a huge loss?

Anonymous — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 08:44:17 -0800

How do I escape these mental traps post breakup? FYI: I'm in therapy but I'm turning here for extra insight and tips about combatting mental distortions. TL/DR: skip the background section to the mental traps listed at the end.

Background on the breakup:

Although we're late twenties we were each other's first loves. I was his first relationship because he'd been unable to commit to any other girl. We were together for a year and a half. He said many things very early on that he ended up reneging later. He saw us getting married, having children.

He changed about six months ago into cold, selfish and erratic. The change coincided with his acceptance into a prestigious program that turned his life around. I was the one who encouraged him to apply and spent time helping him polish his application. In general when things were going well for him he would cool off and when things were going badly I would hear from him.

I spoke to him a few of days ago, and he said he's already mostly moved on. He told me he's being "doing really well" since we stopped talking in the last week and he has "closed the book on us." I asked him if I ever cross his mind and he said "not really, no." Only a week ago he was telling me he loved me and missed me so much. At this point he no longer contacts me but sometimes I weaken and contact him, which makes me feel pathetic. It's been hard because he was still basically treating me like his girlfriend for awhile after we broke up, telling me he loved me, calling me every day, using his pet name for me.

Aside from him I have one friend. I'm shy and socially awkward so it's always been an ordeal for me to make connections. I'm around enough people at my job, but none of that contact has led to a friendship. I asked someone I work with recently how I come across and the first thing they said was "quiet and awkward," so it's not just my perception.

I know the generic advice is to get out there and meet people, but for me it won't be a matter of just joining clubs and making some friends within a few of months. It's reasonable to expect it make take me a few years of effort to make a single new friend or two. And that may require some sort of focused social training. Whenever I've tried to do this in the past I've never made any headway, and have usually given up after a few months.

TLDR:

How do I escape these mental traps?

1) I'm obsessive and haven't processed past breakups in the healthiest way. 2.5 years after my last breakup I still feel damaged by it. I no longer miss this ex at all but I still get a real twinge in my heart when I think back on his total rejection of me and the knowledge that he never wants to speak to me again because he felt I was too clingy post breakup. I got over him as a person and no longer miss him but my self esteem never fully recovered. I did all the things you're supposed to do -- therapy, tried to make new friends, took up new activities -- but something went awry mentally in however I processed the trauma. With this breakup there is the potential for more damage because I really loved this ex, while I was lukewarm about the earlier one. Basically I have a helluva time feeling like yes this is the right choice for me, I can and will do better than this guy.

2) He was the only guy of my type who has ever returned interest in me, so I'm doubtful that I'll find another like him who doesn't have his problems and also likes me. I tend to be drawn to guys who are intelligent, creative and also have a slight edge. Guys like this rarely like me, and it was so refreshing that he did. Given that he was literally the only guy I ever felt a deep connection to (despite having had 6 or 7 boyfriends), what's the chance that I'll find another connection like that and one that's actually healthy in time to get married and have kids? (I'm almost 30 now.)

3) I keep thinking that by not contacting him I'm making it easier for him to move on, and I'm afraid that will extinguish any chance we ever might have of rekindling our relationship down the line.

How can I deal with lingering feelings of blame and attachment following the end of a long-term relationship?

pantheON — Sat, 20 Oct 2012 12:34:05 -0800

I was with my boyfriend for 3.5 years and we lived together for much of that time. We had built a home and a family (albeit a two-person family), but two months ago he left me. On paper, I'm doing really well. But I still struggle with blame and attachment. Can you offer advice that will help me let go? (Lot's more detail inside. Hope it's not too much). He left me suddenly, the morning we were supposed to leave for a camping trip with friends. Later he told me that he had made the decision the night before. It was a surprise at the time, but in retrospect, things had not been working for a very long time. I think I've made it through the worst of it. For a few weeks after the left, the only feelings I could feel were panic, despair, loneliness, rejection, regret, and sometimes anger (usually at myself). I've been fortunate to have the support of many good friends and the breakup itself was the impetus for changing therapists (from a therapeutic relationship that wasn't working to one that is) and making other positive changes in my life (exercising regularly, eating healthier, and getting out into the world and meeting new people). On paper, I'm doing really well. But I know I haven't come close to letting go of him or the idea of 'us'. There are a few things in particular that I can't seem to get past, and that's where I'm hoping the community might have some helpful advice.

I was in my late 20s when we met and this was my first real relationship with another man. I only started dating about six months before I met my boyfriend. Prior to that, I was just coasting through life, numbing myself however I could and having casual sex with mostly anonymous men. I finally started seeing a therapist and taking steps to explore the real world and after dating for just a few months I met my boyfriend and we quickly fell in love. You should know that he left me once before for a short while last summer. At that time, it became clear after just a few days that he was willing to give it another try and we were together again after ten days. Shortly afterward, we started seeing a couples counsellor (who was really terrible) right up until the more recent breakup. This time, it's a different beast. It was clear almost right away that this was final. It's also the first real loss I've suffered. In addition to having never lost a relationship, I've never had the misfortunate of losing someone to death or, frankly, losing anything at all.

I'm still struggling with a number of things ...

1. Blame and regret. Everyone tells me that there were two people in this relationship and that it is no one's fault that things didn't work out. I still can't accept that. I blame myself.

I have a serious anxiety disorder and after the first breakup, I started group cognitive behavioural therapy. It was helping, but my worries and anxieties still took up a lot of space in our relationship. In addition to turning to my boyfriend for reassurance regarding each of my irrational worries, he was also the subject of many of my health-related anxieties and he resented this. My anxiety interfered with sex and intimacy and made something as simple as visiting with close friends something to fret and be tense about. My boyfriend was ceaselessly supportive of me in my attempts to deal with my anxiety, but at the same time he resented how much space and energy my worries took up and how little space was left for him and 'us'.

On top of this, I have a lot of attachment issues. I was so attached to my boyfriend that I constantly worried about him leaving me and never trusted that he wouldn't. I also often sought reassurance that he would love me forever, etc. Again, exhausting for him. I don't have a very strong sense-of-self nor do I really value myself (that's changing now, with therapy). And I looked to him as a substitute for those things. I also have trust issues and, as attached to him as I was, I refused to ever let myself be entirely vulnerable.

I had been in counselling for 4 or 5 years, with the same therapist, but my relationship with my therapist had become stagnant and unhealthy. I knew I needed a change, but wouldn't end up taking the initiative to find a new therapist until after my boyfriend left me the second time. So I spent several years just spinning my wheels, therapeutically, because I didn't want to take the difficult step of leaving my therapist. I feel like my work with the new therapist has opened up an entirely new chapter in my life. It's going really well.

My boyfriend has his own baggage and has also been in therapy for years, but he spent much of his early twenties confronting his demons and working through his shit. Though he could hold back sometimes, over the course of our relationship there were several times when he was clearly ready to be vulnerable and intimate and try to create deeper connections. That's when he would start talking about marriage, for example. When he felt this way, I would often pull back and he'd feel rejected and get hurt.

So, in this context, I feel like I had a boyfriend who tried everything he could to be with me, to love me, and to be intimate with me, and I rejected him. I wanted everything he was offering, but I chose to remain anxious, not make important changes (like changing therapists or finding a new couples counsellor), and not taking care of myself physically or emotionally. So, now he is hurt and angry and has given up, which is why he left me. So when people tell me not to blame myself or that there are two people in any relationship, all I can think of is all the ways I let him (and myself) down and how my choices and behaviour led to the inevitable conclusion of him leaving me. On top of that, I'm full of regret at not being able to get past my shit in order to be with the man I love. And regret for waiting until now to start working on myself. I think, great, I'm taking care of myself now, but when I'm 'better' in a year or two, he won't be here and I'll have lost the love of my life. I also feel guilty for having hurt him … repeatedly.

So, how am I not to blame? How can I come to terms with having let this amazing person slip through my fingers (thus having let myself down) and for hurting him along the way (letting him down)?

2. Contact and moving on. AskMeFi is full of posts telling people who have recently broken up to stop all contact. Delete him from Facebook. Don't email him. Don't' respond to his texts. Definitely don't call him.

Well, our lives were pretty intertwined. From rent, to splitting up our stuff, to making sure he got his mail, there were plenty of reasons to communicate and to see each other (which we've only done once or twice since the breakup). A few weeks after we broke up, he also asked me if we could get together to chat about the relationship and what happened. He thought it would help both of us move on. I couldn't at the time, but I said I might want to in the future. Now, he's moved all of his stuff to his new place and I'm moving to my own place at the end of the month. There's little reason for us to have any contact anymore, other than to show that we are thinking of the other person and maybe, at some point in the future, to get together and talk about what went wrong.

So, there's this finality that's hitting me now. Before, there was always an excuse to chat. An excuse to send a text message. Now, there isn't beyond trying to maintain some level of familiarity or intimacy. And, with respect to possibly getting together to chat about the relationship, there isn't any reason to see each other again. Still, I'm telling myself that we should keep the lines of communication open and send the casual 'how was your weekend?" text, so that at some point in the future we can be friends. I also think that if I keep the lines of communication open and we maintain some sort of relationship then maybe, just maybe, we'll find our way back to each other in the future. I think this because in a way I feel like he left me because he had to, not because he wanted to. And if I get my shit together, we might be able to make it work at some time in the future. He's actually talked about this in an abstract way … that he thinks about possibly being together in the future, but doesn't see right now how that could happen. If I just cut him off completely, then I'm sort of eliminating that possibility.

So, what's healthy and what's not going forward? Can I have my cake and eat it too? Can I move on, let go, stop being attached, while also maintaining some sort of relationship (and even hoping for a new one at some point in the future)?

3. His memories of us. I can't stop worrying about how he is going to remember me and our time together. I worry he's going to end up regretting our time together and viewing this as a part of his life he'd rather forget. It connects to blame (see above). I know I can't control this. Still, it's something I've been struggling with for much of the last two months and I can't seem to find a way to let go of the idea that he's going to come to hate me. I'd appreciate any advice.

how to care less?

Anonymous — Fri, 19 Oct 2012 10:23:30 -0800

How can I avoid the destructive path I've usually taken after breakups? I don't do breakups well. I have trouble regulating my emotions and I'm obsessive. I tend to get very attached to people, and when I lose someone it feels like my entire world is collapsing. This breakup is on another level, because I was closer to him than I've been to anyone in my life period. Right now I'm doing OK, but I can see where I'm headed in a few days once the reality of it sinks in and the panic follows.

A lot of the trouble is it takes a long time for that reality to sink in. I spend way too much time obsessing over how to get my ex back, frantically trying to control the situation because I can't seem to accept that it's over. I feel like what I really need is to just shut my emotions down and not let myself feel or think too much about this one. Is there some way of more quickly detaching, accepting that it's over and skipping forward through some of the pain of a breakup? I know it will be forced but I'm not convinced that's a bad thing. The popular consensus is to let yourself feel it, but I've noticed that people who are able to shut out their emotions in stressful situations and distract themselves from what they're feeling tend to get over traumas more quickly. I've also read some research to back this up. I've tried the other approach - letting myself ride the emotional storm - and it stresses my body to the point of illness.

Basically, as someone who cares too much, I want to train myself to care less.

I'm already in therapy. Any other tips/pointers?

How to get my ex back in this complicated situation?

alxnrwd — Fri, 31 Aug 2012 17:52:57 -0800

My first love broke up with me 4 months ago. I had taken her for granted, albeit under difficult circumstances. I want to rekindle things but I know I've hurt her. If I don't try to rekindle, I think I'll regret it forever. How do I do that while respecting her feelings? Kelly and I met in college. Took each other's virginity. Things were great before we graduated. Honestly thought I could marry this girl, which blew me away at the time, because I was completely immature in relationships. But she had everything I knew I would want long-term: cuteness, intelligence, manners, morals, family background, goals, ambitions. We're so long-term compatible it's actually ridiculous. When we were together in school it was amazing.

She went abroad to Africa for a year after graduation to take her dream job. I gave her my blessing and we stayed together. She asked me to just take things one day at a time, but I began to resent her and put more pressure on the relationship than I should have. (Long distance sucks, let alone when you're a 22yo male with cash to burn.) There were other girls trying to get with me and I was an immature asshat to Kelly as a result. I asked for naked pics and I guess, unintentionally, immaturely, made her feel like she 'owed me.' But generally things between us were good. We were calling each other "the loves of our life" etc, talking about the future together.

Kelly came back to America and moved in with me, because it was what we'd discussed, what I said I wanted, even though we weren't ready at all to live together -- as you might very well imagine. She had said things like "I'll be a barista when I get back to be with you!"

Anyway -- she got back and started looking for work. She is very ambitious (we both are) and she began to realize that all the jobs she wanted most were in New York. I wanted to move there, too, so I gave her my blessing and we decided to move to NYC together. But I had trouble giving her a firm moving date because of money and job concerns, and I was too stressed out with work to put as much effort as I should have into finding a new job (I was in a consulting job working 80 hours a week).

As we became more disconnected and more stressed, I started putting more and more pressure on her to make me happy. I stopped enjoying living here as I looked forward to building a life together in New York. Our sex life turned to shit, and I began to take her for granted as I felt she was pressuring me too much to move. She broke things off after I had been wishy-washy about moving and an asshole for a few months. Ultimately I tried to make her take responsibility for making me move as well ('will this lead toward marriage?') but neither of us is ready for that level of commitment just yet, and it was too much.

Breakup was messy as a result. Both of us said and did things we didn't mean. I lashed out and was needy, did a couple EXTREMELY regrettable things that I will leave out here, and after a ton of back-and-forth she ended up saying she's not attracted to me anymore and just wants to be friends. That she hopes we can each move on and find our own happiness, that she doesn't know if she wants to get married until she's 30, that she's fallen out of love with me, all sorts of stuff.

I made perhaps the biggest mistake of my short life by being so wishy-washy about moving and by treating Kelly badly. I just did not know how to act - it was my first relationship - I was narcissistic and I was wrong to put my career ahead of this girl. I've learned a ton about myself through this breakup.

I love this girl dearly, care for her deeply, and even 4 months after we broke up, even after working on myself a lot, getting into great shape, and seeing other girls -- even ones that are objectively prettier and maybe even all around 'better' -- I still want her back. I think she's the love of my life and I care for her an incredible amount. I just want her to be happy. I feel we are very compatible, but I put too much pressure on her, resented her, and took her love for granted. I'm incredibly regretful. I would have quit my job at the drop of a hat to move to New York with her, if she had asked me directly, and I probably should have done that without any prodding.

The kicker is that, even putting Kelly aside, as I've examined my own desires as a single person, I still want to move to New York, and I've decided I will be moving there even if there's no chance that she and I can get back together. (I know you'll all read this determination with a grain of salt, but the fact is that I have wanted to live in New York since I was 16. You gotta trust me on this. I applied Early Decision to Columbia for godsakes.)

I quit my job and am taking a programming class this summer that will make me pretty easily employable in New York City. I am planning to move home to upstate New York in a month or so, and I will look for work in NYC from there (going back and forth to the city and staying on friends'/family couches until I find a job). I plan to have a job in the city by November/December, but obviously it's tough to predict an exact timeframe given that I will need a job before I move to the city.

Kelly just moved a couple weeks ago from her parents' house in New Jersey to a new apartment in Brooklyn.

We didn't talk at all for the first 3 months after the breakup, as I had been pretty angry about being 'left behind' in Chicago after we had planned this whole future together. We have a ton of mutual friends and this breakup was basically about as 'public' among our friends as one could ever be.

A couple weeks back I reached out to her to catch up and see how she's doing. It was right after she moved into her new place, and she was ecstatic about that, and sort of gloating about being single. We caught up for 45 minutes which was good but then I made the mistake of asking her how she felt about us -- of course she feels great, given the awful way I treated her and the awful shit I did after the breakup.

So I called her again last week. Told her I wasn't happy with where we'd left things. Told her I totally understood the breakup and it was a real wakeup call for me, that I really regret the way that I treated her, and that I was sorry for a ton of stuff that happened (in more words than this) .

She was incredibly glad to hear it and said she bears blame too. She said she'd like to be friends, but she "wants to be single" and experience "life on her own" because she has some "growing to do." She said living with me had made her "sexually anxious" -- she has GAD and I guess she had felt anxious since she went abroad and I had pressured her. She said she's not dating and has no plans to date for "a while." She also said she's come to terms with the breakup because she just "doesn't think we're compatible," alluding to my strong concern over money that led to our breakup. She wants me to "focus on my own happiness outside her." (She's very emotional and very Italian and prone to overstating her feelings in one direction or another once she has something on her mind. We both are. So I take all this with a slight grain of salt.)

But we had great chemistry on the call and she said it was "actually amazing to talk to [me]!"

So.... all of the above sucks for me, given my feelings, but it totally makes sense to me why she feels the way she does. Things were shit between us for a while before she left, and I can see why she doesn't think we're compatible -- I wasn't living my true values at all -- I was immature. I had put a ton of pressure on her, sexually and otherwise, and definitely didn't appear strong and focused on moving to NYC with her. By the end I was critical, demanding and a big asshole in general.

I blame distance, timing, and immaturity for almost all of this, and I just don't want to abide by losing her because of that shit.

The breakup's fundamentally made me a man and I would do anything to show that to her and to make things right.

We agreed not to talk until I'm in New York in a couple months, but she seemed to be looking forward to meeting/talking, and definitely very open to seeing me, although adamant that she wants to "be friends."

I am perfectly fine taking things slow once I get to NYC given everything that's happened, and given that I'll be focusing on my own career as well. I know I need to show her I'm a fun guy and that we are in fact 'compatible' and everything else that's great about our relationship. I know I need to show her (subtly) the changes I've made since the breakup and treat any relationship we have as if it's starting from scratch.

But essentially I know that I am going to lose my shit if she decides she wants to see other people, which is obviously a strong possibility. I'm in love with her and want to marry her. :|

At what point do you all think should I make the depth of my feelings for her known? How do I ensure I'm respecting the things that she's saying about us being incompatible, and not attempting to 'convince' her to get back with me, even though I feel differently from the way she does?

Is it time for us to split?

ohtimorousme — Fri, 22 Jun 2012 14:46:43 -0800

Is it time for us to go our separate ways? I'm 25 and my boyfriend is 23. We've been dating for 10 months now. (i'm his second girlfriend) I'm not very good at this whole breaking up/ is it time to break up thing.

My boyfriend is a nice guy, one of the nicest. I am treated like one of the disney characters that found her prince charming. He has me up on a pedestal i don't want to be on, i don't like it i feel uncomfortable. He always does what i want to do, and i don't think thats very fair. I try to ask him "is there anything you want to do?" but all i get is "as long as i'm with you" or "whatever makes you happy."

It was fun at first, but lately i feel like the two of us are just pals that hang out all the time and watch movies or play video games. We've stopped kissing other than to say bye to each other pretty much and we've never had sex.

I'll go through these moments where i'll like him a lot and then change my mind and think i only like him as a friend.
A lot things get on my nerves now that didn't use to. I don't enjoy texting him much anymore, and would rather stay at home most days or hang out with my friends who i've not seen much.

I don't see myself with him in the next year, i don't see myself married to him. He's too forgetful, he farts and picks his nose too much and i don't feel like i have enough in common with him anymore.

I started talking to a guy friend over the course of the past few weeks and i think about him a lot more than i should for someone thats in a relationship. I feel awful.

Is it time to split? How do you break it off with a nice guy who hasn't really done anything wrong?

Dreading getting back into the dating game.

tokaidanshi — Sun, 10 Jun 2012 00:07:59 -0800

First date after a breakup. I am dreading it, and getting back into the dating game in general. I've never felt this way before. Has anyone ever experienced this before? Does jumping back into the dating game help these feelings go away, or would I be better off waiting until I feel excited about dating again? My girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me about 4 months ago. I'll have my first date since the breakup tomorrow, and I am dreading it! It's an OKCupid date, so we've never met, and she actually asked me out, I'd set up the profile but I haven't been actively looking for dates.

I've been in a few serious relationships before, and gone through a few breakups. In the past, I've come out of the breakup feeling ready to date again and find someone new. I've actually gone on dates arranged through a dating website before, and one of them even ended up being someone I dated for about a year. Previously, before a date like this, I've been a little nervous but also had a sense of excitement and a sense of optimism.

But this time, the idea of dating again is hard to wrap my head around. I can't imagine going through the whole process of building a relationship with a new person all over again. I know a date is just a date, not a commitment, but you need to have at least some hope that it might lead to bigger and better things, right?

I think these feelings are pretty closely connected to my last relationship. This last relationship was definitely the most serious I've been in and I really didn't want it to end. I was planning on asking her to marry me. I thought I'd left the dating game far behind, and that was more than fine with me. I turned 30 not that long ago. Most of my 20s were a fairly tumultuous decade, but in the last year or so, I'd started to feel like I was coming into my own and finding some sense of stability in my life. My girlfriend as a large part of that. This breakup has left me feeling really unsettled again.

Anyway, that relationship is definitely done, so I figure I should get out there and try again eventually. The girl who asked me out tomorrow actually seems like a nice girl, but for whatever reason, I am dreading getting out there again. Has anyone else started dating when they really didn't feel like dating? Did it help to get out there, or did it just suck? Would I maybe be better off waiting until I actually feel excited about dating again?

How do I forget this guy and move on?

deeba — Thu, 07 Jun 2012 11:28:05 -0800

It's been years and I can't forget this guy. I don’t know what to do. Please help. I met this guy maybe six or seven years ago. We worked together. We both liked each other at the time, but due to many things we never got together. I ended up leaving the job, but maybe two years after I left we ended up reconnecting and there was still a lot of chemistry. We tried to date, but things just didn’t work out. Random meetings and the like probably lasted for about a year. He ended up doing some really mean and inappropriate things and I ended up cutting all contact with him. That was over two years ago. I still think about him all the time. I have no idea what to do. Since him, I have not been able to have a relationship with anyone else. I can’t seem to get him out of my head. Please give me some advice.

Is it possible for a breakup to be the last good thing you do together?

Anonymous — Tue, 29 May 2012 10:17:23 -0800

Is it possible for a breakup to be the last good thing you do together? My SO and I have been together for about seven and a half years. We are a great team and best friends. In the last half a year we've realized that we're growing a lot, but also apart. We still very much love each other, but we also acknowledge that what needs we fulfilled for each other when we first met aren't the needs we have now.

We're both afraid of and excited by the enormity of change in our immediate and also distant futures. She's going to move away, I'm going to stay here. We've decided to stay together until she moves. It's like we've put an expiration date on our relationship and are going to enjoy it until then.

Are amicable breakups possible? Are we crazy to think we can pull this off in the midst of splitting up our china and voiding our power of attorneys?

respect after getting dumped?

Anonymous — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 09:40:14 -0800

Does the person who did the breaking up typically look down on the person broken up with? How can I stop worrying about this issue? It's been more than a month since my ex broke up with me, and I'm doing a lot better. It was an amicable, if one-sided, break-up: he wasn't sure, after a year, if he loved me, and plus I was his first girlfriend, so he wasn't going to be satisfied until he had a point of comparison. We both agreed that we'd like to be friends again after a period of no contact.

I've been doing pretty well, moving on with my life, getting back into old hobbies and finding new ones, reconnecting with friends and family. I still think about him every day, which I think is natural at this stage, and I'm happy that I've gotten to the point where I don't feel sad when I think about him, and I no longer want to get back together with him.

The only problem is that I do have one lingering obsessive thought: that he never really "knew me", whatever that means, either because he didn't try hard enough, or because I was always hiding my "true" self from him. This may be a sign of incompatibility, or this may be a personality flaw that I need to work on, but I don't show the majority of what I am, I expect people to come dig for the qualities and quirks beneath the surface, and I took it as a sign of disinterest that he never tried as hard as I wanted to find out more about how I thought, what I was interested in, what made me awesome and unique.

In the days after the break-up, this made me feel like his lack of love for me was partially my fault - we got along so well, maybe if I'd just been more open with myself, I'd have been an actual person to him, and he would have loved me. Or conversely, if I had been more reserved - not falling in love with him until he put in the effort to get to know me - I wouldn't hurt this much now, and maybe he'd see me as more of a challenge, more interesting. I also had this idea that it might work out if we got back together, only this time he would try harder to get to know me, and somehow that would ignite his feelings for me.

I'm now at the point where I realize that none of this makes sense, but even though I've worked through a lot of my issues, somehow I'm still obsessed with the idea that he never really knew me, and that means he never knew the stuff that made me awesome. I still think he's a really cool person, and respect a lot of things about him. I would like him to feel the same way about me, especially when we become friends again. But I can't help but worry that he thinks poorly of me, and maybe thinks of me as lesser than him. I mean, he broke up with me, so essentially he was saying, "I can do better," or, "you're not good enough for me," right? Along the same lines, I no longer feel bad about the idea of him dating someone else - I just hate the idea of him dating someone else, and thinking, "Gosh, this one is so much better than my ex."

Note that this isn't really a romantic issue anymore. I have pretty low self esteem in general, and I worry a lot about what everyone thinks of me. All of my friends think I'm somewhat amazing, and I hate the idea of being friends with someone who might not respect me the same way.

I know I didn't give out a lot of details about the quality of our relationship, but I think that's incidental to the issue. He clearly liked me - at least in terms of what I did for him, and how I made him feel - but I wonder if even that might make him look down on me, that I was always doing things for his sake. I guess it's hard for me to think back clearly to how it was, and in my mind it's turned into him enjoying being around me, but not respecting me, whether or not this was really the case.

tl;dr - does the guy who broke up with me necessarily think he's better than me? Is there anything I can do to stop worrying about this, or any way I can reframe the issue in my mind to make it feel a little bit better both right now and when we become friends again? (Is this a normal thing to worry about, or is it just my low self esteem playing up again?)

Supporting a family member through a bad break-up

Ideal Impulse — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 14:43:02 -0800

How can I provide support to my sister-in-law/friend during a difficulty break-up, transition, and international move? Obviously, more complex details inside. My sister-in-law (sil) moved abroad about five years ago; the plan was for her to stay six months, but she ended up meeting a guy, a fellow traveler who had been living in the other country for several years. The two became very serious and got engaged two years ago, staying in the other country. My sil in her late 20s now--we're close to the same age, and my husband/her brother is a few years older. I really like her a lot, and we get along well whenever we are together, but because of distances, we aren't amazingly close.

After a lot of issues about where to live (fiance wanted to stay in the country they were living in; sil wanted to come back to the US), they've finally made a (very difficult) decision to break up. She called my husband last night and told him. She'll be moving back to the US, to the city where my husband and I live, in about a month. (I was very surprised to hear this news, by the way; I knew this had been a source of tension between them, but my husband and I both really thought that she would stay abroad with her partner)

I'm wondering how best to support her during this transition. Here's the tricky part; my sil is pretty baby-crazy. She and her fiance had been talking about having kids for a long time, and she was really looking forward to being a mom. The whole family says that they always thought sil would have kids before my husband did. But I am currently four months pregnant (and excited about it). When we announced this news to sil, she appeared to be very happy and excited, but joked about feeling some jealousy, so I'm sure it's there.

I'm looking for general advice about how to support her when she moves back to the US (she's been in a developed, English speaking country, but I'm sure the culture shock will be difficult), and specifically looking for advice on how to navigate support and interactions when I am a pregnant, and I'm sure she imagined herself pregnant by this age. I would also really like to reach out to her before she arrives, but am unsure exactly what do say.

Any advice would be appreciated.

How do I accept the fact that I destroyed a relationship that was very important to me?

farce majeure — Sun, 18 Mar 2012 09:14:00 -0800

How do I accept that I destroyed my relationship, learn to forgive myself and eventually move on to something new? Lots of snowflake details inside. I'd been living in Japan for the last several years, and started a relationship with a really sweet girl about 2 years ago. We moved in together only about 4 months after meeting, (big mistake, I know), and while there were bumps in the road, things were generally really, really good. She was dedicated, very affectionate, extremely beautiful, very easy to get along with, and the type of girl that made people tell me all the time that a girl like this is once in a million, so don't mess this up.

Well I messed up. I had an okay job in Tokyo but was 29 years old, (have now turned 30),feeling extremely insecure about not having made more of myself, questioning if I was as smart or as capable as I'd thought, (which also made me depressed and made it difficult for me to open up and show her how much I cared about her), and that led me to move back to the States to start a 2 year grad program, in international relations, focusing on Japan and trade in East Asia, with every intention of coming back to Japan to be with her during the summer for an internship, and then for good when I finished the program. I started in September. We tried to do the long distance relationship thing, with me visiting when I could, and she was supposed to be coming out here to visit me later this month. However, I have a hard time at showing my affection even when I'm right next to someone sometimes, and did a really terrible job of making her feel loved and appreciated once we started the LDR. She recently broke up with me and has now told me that she's in a new relationship with a guy that she is totally crazy about.

Even though we only officially broke up a little over a month ago, based on what she's told me since in a stream of emails and phone calls where I've tried to convince her to come back to me, I know that she's gone and never coming back. Honestly, I can't blame her either. I left to come over here and did a really terrible job at trying to make the long distance thing work. Even before that, I was bad at expressing my affection and she had feelings of insecurity even before I left.

The thing is, as bad as I was at showing her how I felt, I loved her, and even though I don't blame her for leaving, miss her like crazy. I know that I lost her because of what I did, I know that I lost a pretty good life because I was insecure and came here to do grad school. What makes things a little more difficult is the fact that, in order to get beyond this all of the advice I've read says to cut as many ties as possible to give myself some space to recover. However, even before I'd met her, I'd dedicated my life to studying Japan, learning the language, and I have to go back to Tokyo next week to interview for internships. If I cut all of that off, then I would be giving up on the direction I've chosen for my life, so I don't feel like I can do that, but I think it's going to be extremely painful to go back to Tokyo and not be able to see her.

As a man who never expected to be single at 30, who fully expected to be with this woman for a long time, and whose really worried about how I'm going find happiness again, how do I accept that because of my actions, I lost someone really important to me? How do I move on from there? I've been a depressed, almost non functioning mess for the last few weeks, although I'm doing a bit better at the moment. I'll be starting therapy for the first time when I get back from Tokyo in a couple of weeks, but what else can I do? Any help would be much appreciated.

Need opinion/experience from meetup.com or match.com users

CheeseAndRice — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 16:54:08 -0800

Just broke up with my BF 2 weeks ago; need advice about how to busy myself and move on and how to meet new people (friends or potential dates). Thinking about meetup.com and match.com, need advice from anyone who has used these sites. So I officially broke up with my boyfriend 2 weeks ago; the relationship was my first and lasted 4 years, the past 1.5 years were on and off again and very turbulent. Reason it ended was b/c ultimately we were not compatible, I didn't feel like he treated me with respect or with high priority. The reason the relationship dragged on for so long was b/c every time i tried to leave him, he would chase after me and I was too weak and in love to resist, also he's my supervisor at work so I see him 5 days/week so that doesn't help matters (we dated before getting a job at our present company)....needless to say I'm emotionally exhausted right now. I'm also feeling very down and lonely.

I need advice on what to do to keep myself busy and move forward. I'm already thinking about taking up art class. Another thing is that even though i have friends and we meet about once a week to hang out I still feel lonely b/c my friends either have a significant other to keep them busy or have other things going on in their lives. I feel like I'm ready to date soon as I never really dated before this last relationship (d/t focusing on school).

I'm thinking of using meetup.com to meet new friends or potential dates and in the future i might use match.com but I've never met people from online before and I am really nervous from a safety prospective (i come from a very sheltered upbringing). When meeting up with a group from meetup.com how do you know who it is that you're meeting with since you don't know what they look like? How do you communicate before the meet up?

Can anyone who has used these sites give me their opinion and advice...I would like to hear other people's experiences, be it good or bad. Thanks!

FYI: I'm female, in my late twenties, living on my own.

chop off the hand to save the arm?

polywomp — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 19:45:55 -0800

Relationship advice: Boyfriend will be relocated soon. Should I break it off before I become too attached? I am confused as to whether or not I am acting in my best interest. I met a guy at a concert in December and we started seeing each other. He lives about 2 hours away, and I have been going to his place on weekends, or he will come to Atlanta (less often). We immediately clicked because we have a lot of the same interests.

I disclosed I was transsexual before we took it anywhere physical, and he initially said it changes things and that he couldn't pursue, but called me the next day after changing his mind. Since then it's been great, except for the distance. However, he is in the military, and is going to be relocated to the middle of the desert some time in early march probably.

I am already severely infatuated, and am worried that if I don't break it off now, I will become even more attached, and thus his departure will have a negative effect on my emotional state. I haven't dated in like, 5 years. Mostly because it's hard to deal with rejection when I disclose that don't have all of the expected parts. So, it's not like I will be jumping right back into the dating scene after this. Also, maybe I am just so taken by this guy because he is accepting of me, and I was attention starved? I don't trust myself to think clearly on these kinds of issues.

Half of me thinks that I should just enjoy it while I can. The other half says I am just setting myself up for heartbreak. Is it worth it to date someone you have no chance of a future with?

This isn't like War of the Roses, more akin to Fatal Attraction

porn in the woods — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 05:34:52 -0800

Finally moving to my new house Friday! This is coinciding with a nasty breakup with a very unreasonable woman. She's unstable and deploying some very low, tacky, petty moves. We share an apartment that's going away at the end of the month and I need some best practices to help this deployment. Best practices with a breakup when you share an apartment? Mr. the Woods is in a sticky situation.

I've been in a rental for half-a-decade which is under my name, although we put the name of my girlfriend on the lease in Summer 2011. She pays 1/4 of the monthly rent via a county assistance program which is sent directly to my property management company. I pay for every utility in this rental. Now we're breaking up.

She's gone completely off the rails and I need to get her, myself, my 3 cats and my possessions out of the rental. She has no money to assume the full rent payment or pay the deposit. January will be my final month in the rental, then the place goes back to the property management company. She's not going to sign a 30 Day Pay Rent or Quit form in her current vindictive state.

I'll be under a my roof this weekend and will be hiring professional movers next week for the heavy stuff. What are my options if she refuses to leave at the end of the month and decides to continue trying to occupy the rental? She's doing such downright frightening moves that I maintain a 5-foot radius away from her and have moved my pets and big-money possessions into my locked bedroom. Thank you.

I am an asshole, sorry man

Anonymous — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 08:55:29 -0800

Went on some dates with a friend, I'm not so into him, he's REALLY into me. How do I end this? I feel sick just thinking about it. I am a relatively new member of a large circle of friends- I've known most of the people for about three or four months. I really like them all and they've been a huge help as I settle into a new city.

One of the guys in this group began expressing some interest in me and eventually asked me out. He seemed nice, so I said sure, and we went on a date which was... fine. I liked him, but didn't feel any sort of spark or romantic connection. But I know that first dates aren't always good indicators, so I figured I'd give him another shot.

It gets bad on the second 'date,' which was actually a booze-fueled party we both happened to go to. I wound up going home with him- no sex, but everything but. When I woke up it was like "oh fuck." I shouldn't have done that, and I regret it, because I knew I didn't know how I felt about him. But I didn't let it show at the time. Because I am a horny thoughtless jerk when drunk, apparently.

He asked me out again, and I said yes because I have a bad habit of deciding I don't like guys immediately after I hook up with them, and I figured I owed him a second ACTUAL date, with sobriety. I thought things might be different, but unfortunately it was the same as the first date- I really like talking to him, he's a great guy, but there's just no spark. I don't want to kiss him or hold his hand. When he said goodbye he kissed me and smiled and said "I'm really having fun with you" and I felt like the world's biggest monster.

Ugh, he's so nice and cute. I wish I liked him that way but I just don't.

I've never had to break it off with anyone before. How on earth do I say "hey, I know it's seemed like I was as into you as you are into me, and I hooked up with you, but I really don't find you physically attractive after all. Please don't shit-talk me to all my new friends and ruin my budding social life!" I just feel like I'm going to hurt him and then he's going to hurt me and it will be this huge clusterfuck. And I feel like I led him on by going on these dates in the first place.

(PS please don't link to that Miko comment, I have been on 2.5 dates with this guy.)

How do guys move so fast into a new relationship?

Dee123 — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 07:10:19 -0800

Breakup after two years, why does it hurt so much that he started a new relationship when he said that's not what he wanted. Short version of the breakup: I am six years older, my ex is 22. I have known his family for ten years, best friends with his cousin and that's how we connected in the beginning. We had so much in common as far sports, out door activities, school, silly drinking times and mostly the family connection. We did not say we loved each other until six months into the relationship and it grew from there. I decided to end the relationship about five months ago because he when he switched jobs and worked back with his best friend, he started to hang out and communicate less with me. He told me everyday that he loved me, missed me and didn't like that we didn't see each other but never made any made any real effort to fix it. Of course I told him I still loved him and I wanted to be only with him but I could tell he liked his space. We went down to seeing each other once or twice a week versus every other day. He said he was scared because he felt like we were married and he was afraid he was going to hurt both of us. For the next three months after that I thought everything was getting better, we still talked everyday, sex life was better and things were "fun" again. Then out of the blue I found out he was talking to another girl. He didn't have the courage to tell me outright so I found out through social networks. He lied to me when I asked and said I better not be seeing anyone myself. I run into him all the time because he drives down my street for work (even though he could go another way and my street is the long way to work) plus I am still friends with the family. He has seen me out with a guy and got really jealous and called my phone saying I am messed up for doing that. My question are: 1. How do guys move so fast into a new relationship when they weren't sure if they wanted to give up the current one? 2. How can I jump over this hurdle of thinking his life is great without me? (the new girlfriend is around his age but has two twin girls and partys all the time) No one should ever get to see how an exes develops but thanks to social networks it is hard to not look. Thanks for the input.

Boyfriend reconnecting with an ex, good or bad idea?

Anonymous — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 18:32:44 -0800

My boyfriend is catching up with an old girlfriend and I want to be okay with it. They broke up like ten years ago (he was the other man in a very messy situation). They were friends before, but after they cut ties. Now she's emailed him to apologize for being such a bitch back then, and they're "catching up". I want to be okay with this, but past apologizing, I can't see the point. Do they want to be friends again? And why? After so long they're different people leading different lives. Why reach out after all this time? It seems disrespectful to her husband and to me, the girlfriend, to try to rekindle a relationship with a foremer flame. Once I've broken up with someone I generally want to move on and see no reason to try to relive the past. Maybe they're different? I just don't want to come off as jealous or controlling, so should I ignore it and let them reconnect?

Is this normal, or a sign my relationship is failing?

metaphorik — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 23:43:22 -0800

My boyfriend thinks about being with other women. I don't mean sexually. Is this normal? Backstory: my boyfriend and I have been friends for years, and have been dating for over a year now. We've decided we want to get married in the very near future; he was the one who brought it up initially, and I was right there with him. We're by no means perfect, and we fight like any couple does, but we're very happy together.

Or so I thought.

Recently a mutual friend approached me and told me that my boyfriend confided in her that he has some concerns about our relationship. (Before you get outraged, she thought these were things I deserved to know. She's not the type to just blab secrets.)

The main issue is that he has "wandering thoughts" about other girls. I know sexual fantasies about other women are perfectly normal, and often innocent, but these range more toward "what if I was with this girl, who is smarter and more successful?" and "what if I was with a girl who is more outgoing?"

To me, this is not sexual in nature. It's more like he looks at girls who have similar qualities, but sees "improvements" on me, and wonders what it would be like to date them instead.

I was shocked, because he's never brought this up with me, and we usually have fantastic communication. My immediate thought was that he was a jerk, because this is clearly something that needs to be discussed! When I calmed down I started to wonder if maybe he hasn't brought this up because it's not a pressing issue to HIM, or if it's more of the typical "grass is greener" type thinking. Or maybe it's cold feet, and he's not quite ready to get married and settle down.

Is this normal? Do guys have these types of thoughts, or is this a sign that I'm not doing it for him? I'm certainly not going to stick around if he's shopping around for upgrades or if he thinks I'm not "good enough". I know that I am, and I'd really prefer to have a guy that knows it, too.

I need advice or opinions, or both! Please shed some insight on this.

Shouldn't I be over this already?

scaryblackdeath — Tue, 02 Aug 2011 03:08:36 -0800

I ended a six-year relationship last December. I know I was totally justified. It's been seven months; when will I stop being worried sick about her? I moved across the west coast to be with my now-ex girlfriend. We were both 30 and had only carried on the long-distance thing for a few months before we decided to move in together. The context of what was wrong with the relationship will probably make her sound much worse than she actually is as a person...but we all break up for reasons, right?

There was immediate financial dependency on her part, which I thought was temporary. She wanted to start her own business (artistic stuff). I told her she had to have a job; she reluctantly acquiesced, but was never consistent about helping with bills and even irritable about doing it at all. As a substitute teacher, I'm plainly not well-off -- and I certainly can't call myself greedy when I went into a crap-paying profession in the first place. Yet I always felt guilty about wanting her to hold up her end of things.

Eventually, that first job ended through no fault of her own. She focused on her business for about a year or two with no other income after that with my encouragement, because I could hold things up at that time on my own. When the time came that I couldn't do that anymore (partly because she kept needing me to help her with business expenses on top of our living expenses), I told her she needed a job again to at least fund her own activity. She swung a corporate job that paid even better than I could make if I had a regular contract teaching job...and then sort-of helped with bills for awhile.

Our living situation changed. We moved into a house with a housemate and she started paying an equal share of the rent, which made me feel a lot better...but the utilities came down on me alone, and they were awful in the winter. And then that corporate job disappeared with the downturn in 2008, once again through no fault of her own.

Then there was the open relationship aspect, which was her idea. That started up about a year & a half after we got together. It was how she had always been before me. At first I was horrified (I had repeatedly been dumped for other guys), but after awhile, I just decided that I didn't really care. I was sure she wasn't going to leave me for anyone else, and I was right...but it didn't help that the stable, married guy she started seeing (yes, his wife knew) gradually turned paranoid, controlling and emotionally abusive. He was doing genuinely stalkerish shit at the end, and when they finally broke up he launched several revenge schemes.

I eventually started seeing someone else, too, who never once made any move to get me to break up with my now-ex. We're still together and everything is wonderful. (FWIW, she knows how I fret over the ex, and she says that given how we were together for six years, it's natural that it will take a long time to un-learn all these habitual behaviors.)

Anyway. The ex absolutely loved me. I have no doubt about that. She wanted to be with me forever. Never lied to me about anything -- she's one of the most fundamentally honest people I've ever met. Big heart for underdogs. Incredible work ethic, be it for an employer or for her own business; she just adamantly doesn't want to be a wageslave, which I can appreciate. Bright, energetic, creative, lights up the room when she's happy...but it's gut-wrenching to see her cry and it's hard to be around her when she's mad, and she was mad a lot, even though it was almost never anger toward me.

She was absolutely crushed when I broke up with her. I really, sincerely wish I could surgically remove that day and the following weeks from my memory. I stayed in the house for three & a half months to help her make the transition to getting new housemates. (She really needs the space for her business...but while the business does make money, it's just plain not enough or steady enough to support her year-round.)

My problem now is that I keep worrying about her finances and her well-being. She has worked very, very hard to hang on to what she has, but matters have become steadily worse for her. I can't just cut her out of my life. We had three cats and I am absolutely still responsible for them, I still go see them and I still love them (and anyone who thinks that's crazy can kiss my ass). Further, our social circles & activities overlap many times over.

I really want to get to a point where we can be good friends. It means a lot to both of us. We're still emotionally close, but I keep actual contact with her down to once or twice a week at the most (sometimes less than that). But when I see her hit lows, I want to go rescue her and yet I absolutely KNOW that I can't keep saving her, both because it's not right to me and because I just plain don't have the resources anyway.

I'm not in love with her anymore. I knew that was over, and I knew that was why I had to end the relationship. But I still love her like family and I can't tell if that's crazy or if it's not. I have a wonderful relationship with someone new who is supportive and independent, I pulled off a successful self-pub of an urban fantasy novel, I have wonderful friends and a job I genuinely enjoy despite the crappy pay...so why can't I get past worrying about my ex? I understand that her problems are hers, and that she would be fine if she'd suck up some unpleasant but mature, adult responsibilities. My head totally gets that; why can't I make the emotional adjustment? What do I have to do to make that happen?

Moving on from a bipolar ex

Anonymous — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 10:50:33 -0800

Recent break up, ex is bipolar, need some help. Just over a week ago I ended a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend of 9 months. She is biploar, and is untreated/unmedicated. As a result, there was a lot of drama and frustration, and I ended up feeling quite terrible about myself. For example:

- Before my first visit she 'disappeared' and didn't speak to me for two weeks. Got angry and told me she was just too busy with a new job to talk or text.

- When she sent me a Valentine's Day gift it arrived a few days early. I opened it. Apparently, although I was not told so, I was supposed to wait till the day of to open it. She didn't speak to me for three days and told me she might never be able to love me the same after that.

- Told me I never loved her, that it was all a lie, and I was never to speak of love again.

- Told me it was up to me to end the relationship because she felt it was all about me. I was selfish, and this was *my* relationship, so I had to end it.

- The final straw was my most recent planned visit to her. She read my flight times wrong and thought I was getting in earlier than I was. When I corrected her, she got mad that I was on a later flight, decided to cancel all her time off and work the whole visit. Told me I shouldn't bother to come at all. That's when I ended things.

I had my issues too, that I will admit. I have anxiety issues, and tend to need a lot of reassurance or signals that everything is ok or I assume the worst. It's hard for me to trust. During this time I tried to deal with my own issues by going back on meds and talking to a therapist briefly. But clearly this relationship was a disaster in the making for both of us.

All the manipulation, hot and cold, head games, etc. have really screwed with my sense of self-esteem and self-worth. A lot of times I took the blame for things that weren't my fault, or otherwise pacified her so as not to cause problems.

My question: I need resources on how to deal with the impact this has had on me. Are there any books or other resources about recovering from a situation like this?

Just in case it's relevant, we are both female, in our 30s, in Canada.

Oh, and I don't want to imply that dating someone with bipolar disorder is always like this, it's just that her disorder was clearly not being managed.

Thanks.

Messy involvement with someone sort of in another relationship.

Anonymous — Sat, 02 Apr 2011 16:29:29 -0800

I got involved with a friend who was in a relationship. He is confusing me and I am backing off. What now? I was attracted to a friend I've known for almost a year, but considered him off-limits as he was in a long-term relationship. We began spending more time together and he asked me if I'd consider being more than friends with him if we had the opportunity. I said yes. I should mention that his girlfriend wasn't in the area during this time.

I had a lot of hesitations and cognitive dissonance about all of this, and initially wanted to wait until they were very, very broken up. At his initiation, we talked about this a lot. He repeatedly said he was interested in a serious relationship with me and led these conversations. I'm introverted and historically not too impulsive, but I also don't usually feel strongly about anyone. So this is doubly weird for me.

He said his current relationship was mostly a practical issue. He explained to me that he had been emotionally checked out his relationship for years, would leave her immediately and that his girlfriend would most likely not return from where she was.

We became a lot more than friends very quickly. Bad idea. I thought he had "officially" left her when it started based on things he said. I guess I let it keep happening because I am attracted to him, was confused about his relationship, felt like I had to jump at the opportunity, trusted his character from being a friend and saw a lot of similarities between us that helped me create excuses for the situation.

I now get that I probably helped hurt his girlfriend or was at best in a very grey area. I feel guilty about this as a separate issue, but that's not the main focus of this question. If you can, please try to focus your answers on what to do now.

Anyway, his girlfriend returned and things predictably deteriorated. A month later, he says they've broken up but hasn't been forthright about whether he is or isn't involved with her anymore.

He knows it makes me uncomfortable. He's volunteered a lot of conflicting (and honestly, extremely weird) details. He implies that she's stubborn and kind of crazy. I do know that they're still living together, even though both have other places to stay. Nothing he says regarding this makes practical sense to me, so I assume this has more to do with emotions than anything else.

I don't think that this person has bad intentions, although I don't know anymore. Opportunistic, yes, impulsive, yes, unrealistic, yes, and maybe too excited by the idea of me after being with the same person for so long.

We've continued to see each other sporadically until recently, mainly because he's been seemingly eager to maintain this pseudo-dating scenario. This made me feel terrible each time. I finally stopped it via an e-mail and explained that, while I like him a lot, it's hard to see someone while they're not fully out of another relationship. I asked him to contact me if he was still interested in seeing me when he was free.

He responded vaguely about when they would be separated but said he hoped that I would feel the same way when he was completely free.

In an ideal world, before all of this happened, I would have liked to simply date this person and see where it would go. I have no idea what to think now.

1. What is the appropriate contact level after sending an e-mail like that? Right now, I have set it at zero. Before that, we were communicating daily.

2. How long should I wait for him to sort things out, given that this is hurting me a lot? Am I asking for too much? Let's define "sorting things out" by not living together for the purposes of this question -- unless I should be thinking about this differently. That seems like a first step to me.

3. Should I just stop? I like this person, but there are a lot of big warning signs. Conflicting details about his involvement with his current/ex-girlfriend, extreme initial enthusiasm, being generally secretive and asking for a lot from me are among them. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt because he has many positive qualities.

4. If I decide to wait it out and they do seem to unequivocally split up, how could we try to start over? Has entering a relationship with someone initially tangled up in another worked out for you, and if so, how? What happened in the short-term and in the long-term? Anecdotes of failed attempts are equally welcome.

Thank you.

Surprise! She's leaving me. Help me be graceful under fire.

Anonymous — Sun, 02 Jan 2011 11:29:37 -0800

On New Year's Day, my partner abruptly ended our four-year, cohabitating relationship. I had almost no warning, and will probably never fully understand why. I believe she is making the wrong choice. Give me advice on how to gracefully accept her decision anyway, and hold on to my sanity in the process. Anonymous because my mefi handle is known to work colleagues and my ex.

Not sure whether any of the following is relevant to my question, but here's our backstory:

Together for four years, living together for two. Both women; I'm in my mid 20's, she's in her late 20's. Our friends consider us the model couple, the they're-gonna-get-married-someday couple. There is nobody else in the picture for either of us. We have always been loving, affectionate, supportive, and respectful toward each other.

Over the past few months, we had started to discuss two upcoming big Life Decisions: whether to move to a new city, and when to start trying for kids. We aren't in exactly the same place on these two issues, but I think there's enough wiggle room to resolve these to both of our satisfactions. I had planned on proposing once we'd figured this stuff out.

Unfortunately, she believed that these preliminary discussions, and the fact that we didn't immediately agree, indicated that we are heading down different roads. Despite the fact that she still loves me (or so she says, and I believe her), she has convinced herself that we're not right for each other. Until yesterday I had no idea, as she kept this revelation to herself and gave no hints that anything was wrong.

Intellectually, I recognize that there is nothing I can say or do to make her change her mind, and that the correct thing to do is gracefully accept her decision. At the same time, both my head and my heart tell me that she's wrong to throw away what we have without making a good-faith effort to resolve these two Life Decisions, so I'm struggling.

For what it's worth, she offered to move out, and I accepted. Haven't worked out the details yet.

My question: How do I accept her decision with grace and dignity, without lying to either of us or otherwise compromising my own integrity?