Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with breakup

What else can I do to let go of thoughts of an ex?

Zorz — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 15:05:20 -0800

What else can I do to let go of thoughts of an ex? Earlier this year, I met the first girl I really loved. It was a brief but very intense relationship; just a few months. At first, it was incredible. But it progressed way too fast, and there were minor incidents that caused increasing distance between us. I think a lot of it was just the life she led, which was so much more expansive than mine. I envied it, in a way, but it also intimidated me. I shied away more than I'm proud of when she tried to open me up, and while being with her took me leaps and bounds from where I was before, it was slower than it should have been. I should have embraced her friends, instead I was awkward around them. I should have been more involved in her life; should have known what she was up to, what classes she was taking, how they were going. Instead, I felt confused and scared by the rest of her life when she wasn't with me. Needless to say, she eventually broke it off. I took it really hard and we exchanged occasional emails back and forth which ranged from me trying to win her back to trying to maintain a friendship. In the end though, I let go. I've tried to move on and not think about her as much as possible.

Unfortunately, this hasn't proven easy. In a lot of ways, my life has improved since the breakup. I got a better job, moved into a new apartment in a great area, I'm finally able to get into school next month... But, she left a pretty large footprint in my life. Being in a new city where I haven't really gotten to know anyone aside from her, there hasn't been much to fill the void. I'm constantly reminded of her. Half the music I listen to, either came from her or is something she'd like. She showed me how to handle living in an apartment, so now everything about mine seems to recall her place. She rekindled my love of reading, so now that reminds me of her. The great part of town I live in now? She first showed me around it. She helped me adopt the cat I own; even named him. The fact is that as I look back now, a lot of the problems we had stemmed from issues I still have in my life regardless of whether she's in it. So I'm not feeling different, except now I'm back to being alone. And much as I try not to, I still think about her. It's like my whole life before her, I'd had this friend in my head that I'd talked to as a placeholder. And then she was there, and she was everything I'd ever imagined she'd be. Now that I'm back to being alone, her identity still lingers in that place in my head and in my heart. When I close my eyes and tell my secrets to someone, it's still her, even though I haven't spoken to her in six months (longer than the relationship itself lasted).

It's possible that I'm just feeling lonely in general, and transferring it to thoughts of her because being with her was the last time I didn't feel that way. Maybe I just need to tough it out until I start school, which should be a whole new horizon for me. But if there's anything else I can be doing to move on...I'm open.

Breakup = :-(

mesha steele — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 13:44:07 -0800

Help me cope with my loneliness and pain a month after getting dumped. I'm really doing poorly a month after my last question about getting dumped:

Logically, I know the relationship is over (see my update at the bottom of the last thread), but really the slim chance that he'll sort out his confused feelings and come back to me is the only thing that keeps me hanging on through the pain. I can't stop thinking and dreaming about him, and how much I miss him. Seeing him last Sunday only made the feelings worse, as did hugging and kissing him. I know it's not healthy for me to dwell on this though, and he told me himself that I can't pin all my hopes on this one possibility, when even he doesn't know how he feels. So, I know I need to move on. But how?

In my last question, responses told me to focus on getting through finals. I did that, but now my life is back to horrible emptiness, plus my friends have left town for the break. I'm alone, with nothing to do but think about my ex and the girl he's going to date (and replace me with). I'm on the waiting list for therapy at school, but I won't get in for a month, at least. Lexapro has helped amazingly with my anxiety, but now I feel crippled by depression.

What are healthy ways to distract myself from the pain and loneliness? I could stand to lose a few pounds but the university gym is also closed for winter break, and the foot of snow outside makes exercise difficult. Watching funny TV shows like The Office makes me sad because I used to watch them with him. Ditto with most movies.

I've tried going on a few dates, but doing that just makes me miss my ex more. Plenty of guys are interested in me (in the world of online dating), but I'm having difficulty finding guys that I'm attracted to, physically or mentally. My ex was really the only guy I've ever gone out with that I found attractive.

What are some of the things MeFites have used to get through rough times in your lives? How can I break myself of the habit of wanting to talk to him constantly? How do stop being reminded of him by everything I see?

How do I deal with a good friend picking the ex over me?

inmediasres — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 19:35:51 -0800

Non-mutual, unexpected break-up. Two months later, still working on getting over it. Bigger issue: Our mutual friend and their now-thriving friendship. (Sorry if this is long...)
I met ex through our mutual friend, a friend who was MUCH more mine than his. (She told him if he ever messed it up, she was on my side.) Post-break up, I'm having a rough time, and I have confided in her multiple times. After sensing some hesitation and awkwardness from her about it, I stopped contacting her. She, in two weeks, did not reach out to me at all.

She and my ex still interact regularly and publicly on facebook. I’ve had to hide her, because he comments so frequently. And the first and only picture she’s ever put up of him was after our break up (and prompted this question). She and I have gotten together socially once recently with another friend to exchange Christmas gifts, and have had one very superficial conversation since.

The ex was not a “bad guy” but it was a relationship that was going in a serious direction. He very unexpectedly bailed and then got involved with someone else a few weeks after, and I am still very hurt. He and I are “no contact” and were together for almost a year. (He’s 24, I’m 25.)

I know I can’t ask her to stop being friends with him, but I’m not sure what to do. She has been a pretty good friend of mine, but this situation doesn't sit well with me. Should I just cut off contact for now? Should I pretend everything is ok? Do I talk to her about it? What do I even say?

What are the outward behaviors that a couple display when they are about to break up?

tel3path — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 09:28:43 -0800

What are the outward behaviors that a couple display when they are about to break up? I'm looking for, if possible, scholarly articles on any outward behaviours characteristically displayed by couples as a prelude to breaking up. I'm referring to public behaviours rather than private.

It's okay, his wife knows...

bookgirl18 — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 11:09:57 -0800

How to help a friend stuck in a very odd romantic triangle? Hi guys,

So this situation is not about me (no really... it isn't!)
It's about my roommate. I love this girl - she is kind, bright, and thoughtful. (Not to mention a great roommate.)
However, she's currently in a situation straight out of a soap opera.
She is seeing a much older man, in his 50s (we are in our 20s). Who is in an open marriage. She knows his wife and they've all talked about it and they're all cool and groovy with everything.
Hey, if it works for them, it's ok by me.

Another wrinkle: their son, who is our age, doesn't realize that his parents have an open marriage. Moreover, he actually went on a date with roomie once long before all this began and doesn't know she is now sleeping with HIS DAD. Yikes.

I've mostly just been listening to my rooommate talk about this without offering advice, and told her that as long as she's happy, I'm happy. Which is true.
But she's starting to get less happy. The other night, I walked in on her sobbing (roomie NEVER sobs, it was the first time I'd seen her cry) because she thought Older Man had given her an STD. She's since gotten her test results back, and they're negative. But that, to me, is a new low, and I'm getting annoyed at Older Man for putting his younger, more vulnerable girlfriend in such a position.

Moreover, when she called him in a panic about her tests, he told her that he needed to be there for his wife at that moment (who, again, knows all) and sort of brushed her off.
She's starting to get sad because she knows this relationship can go nowhere and that she'll have to break it off, but she says she's felt happier with this guy than she ever expected and feels like she'll never be as happy again. She's starting to ask me for actual advice now, where I've usually just erred on the side of listening.

MeFites, is there anything I can say in the way of advice to my poor roomie? I'm confident she's smart and reasonable enough to end this when she's ready, but she's hurting and that makes me hurt. Plus, Older Guy may not be cheating on his wife, but he's not being the kindest to his son in this situation. He's coming across as a bit of a sketchball to me, even if he does really care about her.
Is there anything at all I can say to make this better for her?

Should we breakup?

Anonymous — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 07:33:14 -0800

How can I decide whether or not to end my relationship? My boyfriend and I have been dating for several years, and recently moved in together. On a day-to-day basis our relationship is fine, but I'm beginning more and more to feel concerned with some aspects long term. Our lease will be up in a few months and I feel that I should decide before then whether or not I think we have a future together, but I don't know how to address my concerns with him. I also feel like it's only fair to let him know how I'm feeling so that he's not blindsided by the news that I'm unsatisfied, but I don't know how to do that without making things very uncomfortable in the meantime.

Just for background, some of the issues I have are fairly simple, such as I'd like us to go do things like see shows or go hiking more often, and I'd like him to help around the house more, and some are more complicated. He comes from a very difficult and messed up family, which leads to him feeling overwhelmed and basically shutting down. I understand that sometimes he needs time and space to deal with his feelings, but it happens so frequently and leads to a lot of chaos in our lives. I also worry that at some point in the future there will be a time that I need him to be strong enough to help me through something, and I don't have a whole lot of confidence that he'll be able to. That may not be fair, he could surprise me, but it is something I worry about. I guess I just feel like I'm losing patience with the way things are, and I don't know if the things I'm impatient with are things he can or will change. I also don't know how to address the issues in a way that's fair to both of us. I can't give an ultimatum, but I also am frustrated enough with these things that I really feel like the relationship can't continue unless some of them change. I've brought up most of the issues on separate occasions in the past, but I think he felt like I was attacking him, and got defensive, so it didn't end up doing very much good, and led to me not feeling comfortable bringing things up.

I guess I'm looking for some advice about how to address our issues in a way that won't alienate him, or any opinions about whether intrinsic issues like shutting down can ever change. Thanks in advance.

I have no one. He was my life.

Anonymous — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 10:42:30 -0800

My partner of 8 years is thinking of leaving me. He gave notice on our apt without telling me. I'm dying inside. I don't know what to do. I don't have any family. I haven't kept in touch with my family. I just found out because the management company asked if they could show our apt and I said we weren't moving. Then they faxed me a notice to vacate in my partner's handwriting. I called and he admitted that he'd already secured an apartment.

I think I'm dying. I don't know what to do. I don't have any family. My friends are sweet, but he's been my best friend. I don't want him to leave me. He says he's 80% sure he wants me to stay with him, but there's a part of him that's unsure he wants to be with me because he thinks we might want different things. He was speaking in this disembodied tone over the phone, completely removed. In person, yesterday, he told me I was his life. We've been having so much fun.

We jut had a wonderful weekend. We've had a number of fun and great weeks. I don't know what to do. I want to run home to my family, but I've neglected them so much because my partner was my family and my mother is crazy. I live so far away from home. I only have $10,000 in the bank and I live in the DC area. I only make $36K, so I don't even think I qualify to rent any apts.

I'm shocked, confused, at work, and I feel extremely sick now. Part of me wants to beg him to please take me with him. Part of me rationally knows he should do what he wants and I should gracefully step out of his way. I love him. Deeply. I would do anything he wanted.

He's in his late 30s and I'm in my early 30s. God, I'm so confused. My sense of well-being is fading fast. What do I do? Can someone please give me a list of steps of what I need to do? I think I'm going to be a zombie for a few months at least.

It's never been an if we break up, but when?

Anonymous — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 13:12:13 -0800

It's never been an if we break up, but a when... so *when* do I need to pull the plug? (If this is TL;DR - skip to last sentence) I have been going out with someone for nearly 10 months now. From the beginning, I have been pretty clear that I'm not in it for the long-haul, and have eventually diverging plans. In the meantime, we've both discussed that it's really nice to 'have someone' to cuddle, go to things with, have sex etc, we'd both been kind of lonely, and it's nice to have something kind of healthy. We have a pretty relaxed time, partly because I'm not worried about incompatibilities that would strain a longer-term relationship.
But... I keep worrying that it is getting too serious, and serious would equal more pain at breakup, and, well, I'd like to avoid as much of that as possible.
I have never once considered this to be a 'long-long term' thing.
I asked point blank recently if they thought they were getting more involved, and said that I eventually wouldn't 'be here' and were they still ok with this?
And they replied that they are just 'Taking it as it comes'.
Ok, good. They are an adult, they are fully aware of the situation, and have made their own choice...
But jezulbub! Who the hell is really an adult when their heart is involved?
I know *I* haven't been.
I still feel like the relationship is really hanging on me, like they would be happy with a long-long-long term relationship. And I? Well, I have a tendency to get 'stuck' in unsuitable long term relationships (when it turns out everyone, even their parents expected the breakup, and still *really* like me, it's just a bad match).
And it's getting towards Christmas, and if we are still together, then we'll be going together to my family, and their family. *And* our respective families are getting used to us, and more and more 'clucky' over us (also, in my experience, I can break up with a person, but I can't 'break up' with 'family', cue some unofficial 'nephews' to my name. Call it a personal flaw...). So, ah, basically I don't want to lead their *family* on?
And then there is New Years which we would be spending with their friends. Their friends are already saying things like - so, it's been 6, 9 months? Etc etc.
This. This seems... bad. Am I being paranoid?
If I felt reassured that I wasn't being a dick, it'd be fine, I'd just drift along as usual, I just keep wondering when exactly I should get off this boat.

Further info, my alternate plans for New Years - I just go hiking with a couple of close friends.

Regardless, there are also several post New Years events that for other reasons, we can't go to together (weddings, gatherings).

So, should I just take them at their word, stick with a good/comfortable thing? Should I instead, break up?
Alternating viewpoint, would it be more painful to be broken up with BEFORE or AFTER Christmas/New Years?

Poetry to help me through my first breakup.

yaymukund — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 01:13:48 -0800

What poetry has brought you comfort after a breakup? It was my first relationship, she broke up with me, but I think it was for the best. Derek Walcott's Love After Love really resonates with what I'm feeling right now. Nothing depressing or bitter, please. Thanks, Metafilter.

Relationship over. I can't move, heal..

iam2bz2p — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 13:27:24 -0800

Had good reasons for breakup. Then a reconciliation. And then... (Only those who can't turn away from gawking at a bloody traffic accidents need read on...) One year relationship. Many ups and downs, but love there. Were we best friends in the relationship. She moves in six months after we start dating. She has a three-year old son.

We have real ups, month of cruising along just fine and then downs. Three months later, her behavior begins to change-- we're arguing regularly (not something in my nature), she's acting irrational, I'm getting frustrated and angry. She has several full-blown freakouts over small things. A rollercoaster. She had stopped taking her meds. Zoloft. Didn't tell me. Has panic attacks. Didn't tell me.

I don't see a future ahead, although I had an engagement ring ready in the wings. I didn't fully commit to her son or her.

I ended the relationship. She was devastated. We still lived together another two weeks. I was good. Felt good. Knew it was the right decision.

Six weeks later, I'm missing her and her son terribly. So lonely in the house. So quiet. I miss my friend, my mate. The boy. I run into an old friend. Tells me he's divorced. Wife stopped taking her meds (thought she was happy now, and didn't need them). Same thing with her. Gives evidence that maybe the meds were a key factor in the breakup.

We begin to take walks. Heal. Talk easily. But she tells me that she just began seeing someone. A week of talking, my resolution firmer, my clarity improves. I want to reconcile. Seek therapy. For the first time (I'm 42) I REALLY understand and experience what it is to fully commit to a woman. I'm different . I KNOW now what it MEANS to truly commit to another person. I accepted ALL her issues. I told her this. I accepted her in her entirety. I knew the risks.

We reunite on a Sunday night. Deep commitments exchanged. Marriage. I would adopt her son. We'd dedicate ourselves to counseling. She breaks up with guy she'd been seeing for almost a month. Was sleeping with him.

I'm so happy Sunday night and all Monday. She cooks a wonderful dinner Monday night. We're in bed. I have to ask hard questions about the other guy.

Did you use protection?
No.
Did you tell him to pull out and not cum inside you.
No.
Do you think you could be pregnant.
No way.

She says no way. She counted the days. Impossible. She laughs it off. No way she says.

I said we need to get a test. At 11:30PM I'm at the grocery store asking them to unlock the glass case where they keep the trojans and the pregnancy tests. I buy one. I'm one of the last people in the store at that time of night.

I get to her house. We're in the bathroom. Digital. 99% accurate. Two answers: Pregnant. Not Pregnant.

No blue + or red -.

Simple English.

It reads: "Pregnant"

Everything explodes.

I don't want to raise the children of two other men. I love her. I want her. But not that. I'm destroyed. She's destroyed. No sleep.

The next morning, Tuesday, she tells guy who was just dumped 24 hours before. I'm pregnant. He's away on business. I go to think. He thinks. She thinks. We're all confused.

Would never have an abortion. She considers adoption. I knew she couldn't do it. My decision was that I'd stay we'd be together through the pregancy, but she'd have to give the baby up for adoption and then the three of us would continue our life together from there.

Three days later, she decides to keep the baby. That's my deal breaker. She works to repair relationship with other guy. She calls me two days after making her decision. 10 minutes she's weeping. Sobbing. Wants to be with me. Knew it from our first date. Wishes the baby inside her was mine.

The other guy is VERY happy to have her + baby + son. He's 46, divorced, has three kids already.

I'm destroyed. A life so clear 72 hours before, gone. The depth of commitment, like I'd never experienced. I'm grieving. Mourning. Cannot stop thinking about her. The what-if's. I'm hardly eating. Sleeping. (and I'd never miss a meal or go without a solid black expanse of 8 hours of sleep)

After our breakup, she moved across the street. I see her car gone all night. She's with him. Sleeping with him. I've left her, reconciled, and then lost her forever.

Never through anything like this. Never. For the first time I've experienced what it means to fully commit and then lose. I had a choice.

Start of second week after. I'm worse everyday. I know you'll say time will heal. But I'm 42. I'm tortured by the idea that I'll never fall in love like that again. Took me 42 years to find her.

The weight of the lonliness is crushing me. I have too much free time to fill. 8 hours per night. All weekend. Trying to stay busy, but can't fill that many hours.

She's keeping the baby. It's not like she chose the other guy over me. She chose the baby and I chose a life that didn't include the baby + baby daddy.

A reconcilation is not possible. The other guy's in love. She tell him she's in love. Tells me she'll learn to love him. He seems like a good guy. Knows he was second choice. She's a risk for sure. Takes guts.

He'll take care of her (he has money). He'll be good for her. She'll keep me forever in her heart. She'll cry for us some nights alone. But we'll never be together.

I know this.

I know this.

I hate this.

Help. What advice / experiences could you share to help me move on?

What to return of my ex's stuff, and how?

hepta — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 11:30:02 -0800

How should I return my ex's things - and how? So my ex and I broke up. Sad, but that is another post that I have tried (and failed) to make many times. The point is, I have some of his stuff and I don't want it. I have a book, a Nintendo DS, and a childhood stuffed toy that I want to give back to him. I also have a sweater he gave me, a rugby shirt that I ended up with that he has said he is glad that I have "after all this", and some assorted odds and ends (things like mix cds).

We live in different towns - he goes to school in my hometown. I am going home for Christmas for a month, which is when I figure I can return these things. There is, however, a complication. His girlfriend and he have agreed that he isn't allowed to/going to speak to me, and the last time we did speak he expressed annoyance that I wasn't compartmentalizing as well as him/wasn't "getting over it" as well. However, the likelihood of us running into each other at home are not insignificant: we use the same gym, the same library (where I will need to be writing some takehome exams), live mere blocks from each other, etc.

So, plan: I am still friends with his roomate and I plan to text him and ask him to tell my when my ex is not home (I know when his exams are) and then go by and drop the stuff off. My questions are this:

Does this seem like a good idea? Am I missing anything/is there a better idea?
I am afraid that maybe I am doing this because I *want* to see him, does this mean I shouldn't do it?
Should I return the things that he gave me, as well as the things I was borrowing? I feel like those things have transferred ownership, and are now "mine", despite any bad juju they might now have.

I genuinely do not want this stuff and don't think it is anything I can throw out (a childhood stuffed toy? I have no right to keep it and that is the kind of thing that doesn't belong in the trash).

How to mend a broken heart

mesha steele — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 08:11:51 -0800

HeartbreakFilter: Help me come to terms with the end of my relationship and quit being in denial. I’m a 23 year old second year law student, and he’s a 26 year old grad student. We’d been together for a year and a half (the longest relationship for either of us by far) when he dumped me last Sunday. I’m completely devastated after my Thanksgiving was ruined (I was supposed to have spent the day at his mom’s house like last year) and with finals starting next week, I’m a wreck. Help me adjust to my new situation.

He was my first real love, and I was not expecting the relationship to end, especially not so suddenly. We seemed so compatible, with similar tastes in movies and tv and we got along great even when just hanging out together. We met on OkCupid but had real life friends in common. It was just a fabulous connection both physically and mentally when we started dating right before I started law school and he went back to school for his PhD.

Some problems starting cropping up in my second semester of 1L year; I’ve always been fairly high strung with some issues dealing with anxiety. I would get really upset over little things, sometimes related to him but often just situational stressors from school. I mean, he was my best friend and I felt safe revealing my insecurities and fears to him. Conflict is rough on him, but he was always super sweet and calmed me down when I got upset and cried over something small.

The anxiety issues kept happening, where I’d pick a stupid fight over something ridiculous maybe once a month or so. To me, I’d get mad really quickly but it would also blow over quickly, and I didn’t hold grudges. Apparently, he struggled more with the conflicts and thought I didn’t seem happy with him. I was, and I tried to assure him of that. We had a fight in mid October about this, where we agreed to try taking a break, since he wanted more space (we usually saw each other everyday, and spent most nights together). After we agreed to the break, the next day he called me and apologized and asked me to come over. Everything was fine for a month until last Saturday.

The same sort of stupid fight happened Saturday, but instead of blowing over, on Sunday I went over to his apartment to see him and apologize, and he dumped me. He said that the relationship didn’t feel quite right and that if it were meant to be it wouldn’t be so hard. He said he needed space and that he kind of felt like he was losing his identity. But at the same time he kept telling me he loves me and hugging me. We were both crying, and I’m ashamed to say I begged him to give it another chance, but he refused.

Now, a week later, I’m still devastated. I’ve tried to contact him a few times, through calls and texts, but he won’t answer his phone. I know that I caused these problems by leaving my anxiety untreated for so long. I started back on Lexapro which helped me through a tough situation a couple of years ago; with the anxiety medicine, even after only a week, I’m not so concerned about the little stressors that used to bug me. I just want to give the relationship another try when I’m not so hung up about the little things. It was always just little things we fought about, nothing major.

I’m still majorly in denial about the breakup, too. I dream about him every night, and getting back together. It just doesn’t seem real to me, and so many things in my apartment and just life in general remind me of him.

After this long saga, my questions are mainly, how can I get over this sense of denial? I really want to get back together, but objectively it seems pretty unrealistic. How can I convince myself that he’s no longer my boyfriend? How can I stop myself from dreaming about him and reconciliation (I wake up so excited in the morning at first because I think the dream was real)?

Alternately, does anyone have any advice for how to approach him about giving things another chance? I really think the anxiety medication helps me, and I’d like the chance to show him that I’m not going to freak out little things anymore. How can I show him that I’ve changed? I love him so much, and he said he still loves me.

Please help me with this break-up letter

Anonymous — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 07:50:55 -0800

Please help me with this break-up letter I received a relationship-ending e-mail today and hope you might be able to help.

As background, we're both late twenties, teachers (different grades, schools, divisions). We communicated online, by way of a mutual friend, for a month or so and then dated for a month. We seemed to be very comfortable talking, spending time together, and just enjoying sharing time. We did sleep together, which was not an insignificant fact for either of us. I was extremely excited, because I thought that this person was pretty much the ideal of what I've been looking for. She's attractive, intelligent, kind, and on and on.

I'm not really sure what happened. I got sick (H1N1!) and was out for a week, and our communication never really seemed to repair. I tried calling and e-mailing, but we just couldn't get in contact. Tonight I received an explanatory message from her one Facebook. It does bother me that I've gone for nearly a week without hearing from her only to get this.

My only guess as to reasons for the lack of connection she's identified, besides intrinsic aspects of myself that I can't change, is that I was probably a bit over-enthusiastic. I may have tried too hard; she simply blew me away, and it was difficult to maintain that sort-of early-relationship distance that often seems necessary.

Obviously, I still care a lot for her. I do wish there was a way to re-do some of it all, so I'm looking for any advice that might slant that way. Or, of course, people telling me to get over myself/it. Actually, any advice would be appreciated. As for being friends: I want my friends to be happy. Knowing that we want the same thing (long, not short-term) makes it more difficult to (want to) be friends, if that's not just an empty nicety, and watch her find that elsewhere.

I've removed names and changed grammar enough that it should be most anonymous. I'm not super comfortable posting the contents here, but at the same time, none of my friends would really be interested in reading it or giving the kind of advice I'm hoping for.

Apologies for rambling on and thanks for reading.

Here we go:

Hi [X],

I’m really sorry it’s taken me so long to get in touch with you; I’m sure you’ve been wondering what’s going on. I’ve been thinking a lot about you and the time we’ve spent together. I had thought, and hoped, that there was something between us with the potential to be long-term and maybe serious. That’s definitely what I am interested in at this point in my life. But unfortunately I don’t think that potential is there. I decided to send this message instead of calling to talk about it because, frankly, I’m far more articulate in writing than I am over the phone, and I thought it might be easier for both of us.

I hope you’ll indulge me to say a few more things. I have really enjoyed getting to know you and spending time with you. I find you smart and attractive and interesting and – this is kind of a big deal for me – so easy and comfortable to be around. There is definitely a connection between us, I think, but just not quite the kind of connection I am looking for, in terms of a long-term relationship. I know that probably sounds vague. I like your sense of humour, I like the clever way you write a facebook message, I like that you took me bowling and to a blues bar and offered to cook me salmon for dinner and come help out at [the mission]. I think you’re excellent in so many ways and I’m glad you decided to contact me.

Perhaps this is a long shot, but I would really like to be friends. I’m sure you have more than enough friends already, and I know the post-dating friendship thing can be a dicey proposition. But if you find it’s something you’re interested in and willing to try, I hope you’ll let me know. I’d consider myself lucky to have you as a friend in any capacity.

I hope I hear from you. Take care,
[Y]

I should break up with my girlfriend but how do I manage to do that?

Anonymous — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 18:04:10 -0800

RelationshipFilter: I think I should break up with my girlfriend of 4 years but I'm not sure how. This is my second relationship and the first one's break up doesn't really count as experience. I missed Human Relationships 102. Please, help me. Every time this kind of question appears in AskMeFi the most common answer is 'Just tell her'. And I agree, I should just tell her. But I'm not sure how to do it.

I love her dearly as a friend but I no longer 'love' her romantically and I know she deserves someone who does. Sometimes it almost feels like having a friend with benefits, which sucks because I feel I'm deceiving her. So yeah, I should break up with her.

However, we see each other almost every day as we're classmates and it feels weird to act as a couple one day and the next break up. I think it was much easier to break up with my ex-gf because we didn't see each other as often and I wasn't so confused about what to do.

I don't even know how to start the conversation. For example, if we get together today, should I kiss her to greet her?, avoid doing it (and therefore jump-starting the conversation?)?. And then what? Go somewhere to talk? Just break up in the street? Should I wait until we talk about our relationship (it happens sometimes)?

In other words, I have *no* idea how to do this at all.

Something else (and I'm sorry about the length) that worries me is that she's very emotional and this may affect her in her performance at college so maybe I should wait until the end of the academic year which is more or less a month away. I wouldn't mind waiting (that sounds so wrong) because of that and because I'm scared too still... I don't know what to do.

Throwaway mail: throwawaymail124124@gmail.com

Virginal quandry

Anonymous — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 09:41:02 -0800

A question and moral quandary from yet another sad virgin.... I’m a twenty-seven year old virgin (a woman), and with every passing year, I feel like the big, dark virginity cloud looming over my head is getting bigger and bigger. I’m not a virgin for a reason or an ideal, it’s just that I only started dating fairly recently. I’m very quiet, and don’t seek much for myself. I have a lot of friends, but I don’t often meet new people to date. In truth, I’m raring to have sex and have been for years; the only thing I’m “waiting” for is to meet someone I care about and trust. The last time I got naked with someone I was ready, but it turned out he was also a virgin but was waiting “for love.” Goddammit.

For the past few weeks I’ve been dating a lovely, sweet boy. I like him, but when my friends ask, the most I can muster to say is “he’s nice.” He quite likes me, I’m pretty sure. After a heavy make-out session a few weeks ago, sex was definitely up for the next time we had the opportunity. After the make-out date I’ve been very stressed with various issues, so I haven’t exactly been in an amorous mindset. When I saw him last, I suddenly thought “This won’t work out, I’m just not that into him anymore.” It was such a sudden 180. I think my gut is right, but I’m worried it’s the stress or fear of commitment talking. But what if it’s not? I can’t date him for dating’s sake, it’s not fair for him. And yet, the horny, desperate part of my brain just wants to have sex with him so I can stop obsessing about the scarlet V on my forehead.

Metafilter, how can I see past my stress and horniness and do what’s best for this boy, and for me? If I break up with him, how can I prevent myself from desperately dating and screwing anybody who’ll take me? Throwaway mail at accidentaldiana@gmail.com

Why do I freak out if I don't know why?

MultiFaceted — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 20:03:28 -0800

I need help dealing with "unknown", especially in personal issues. I have an intense desire to know why something is happening, what someone's explanation is and I wind up a big ball of anxiety while overthinking it. I want to know how to be comfortable with just "not knowing", and how to be comfortable with the resulting feeling of not being able to control the situation. This latest bout of stress is based on romantic relationship stuff, but I do this whole worrying/overthinking thing in other situations too. My marriage ended because my husband just didn't love me and didn't want to be married to me anymore. He couldn't tell me why, couldn't give me a reason (literally, he just said "I don't know")...he just didn't want me anymore. I asked him over and over again for any sort of explanation, but I never really got one. So I spent a lot of time trying to analyze and figure it out to no avail. I wanted to know what I did wrong so that I don't repeat the same mistakes again (I'm assuming I have control in this situation...even though I probably don't).

Currently, there's a guy I'm interested in and we've been talking for a while (we live 5 hours apart so don't physically see each other very often). He and I have a lot of history together and he has said he wants a relationship with me but he needs to deal with some issues first (which is true...he does need to get mentally pulled together). I thought things were going pretty well overall, but for the past 3 weeks I haven't heard a word from him. I've sent a couple of texts and left a couple of messages but never got a response. Tonight he did respond to a text saying that he lost his phone a "while back" and wasn't able to afford a replacement until yesterday. I texted back asking him to call me so we could catch up...and there's been no response.

So...I have no explanation for the silence over the past 3 weeks. I understand work gets in the way (he can't always have his phone with him) but I'm not sure I'm buying the whole lost phone explanation. Even though we don't have any official ties to each other, I'm getting closer and closer to just walking away from him, but it seems like I can't let myself go without knowing why. Once again, I keep telling myself that if I know what his explanation is, I would feel better about the whole thing. Maybe he's just not into me, but if I knew why he wasn't into me I could somehow do something to improve for the next time.

This has had me tied up in knots over the past week. Right now my entire life feels out of control, and I'm desperately searching for some way to have control over something meaningful. I don't know what's next for me, I'm still struggling with getting more comfortable with my new "singleness", although I thought things were getting better. I've just been utterly overwhelmed and paralyzed the past few days (again).

So, the question is: What can I do to be able to handle not knowing/the unknown, and what can I do to learn how to be OK with not feeling in control in these types of situations?

(I do have the next two days off with no commitments so I have time to do some intensive thinking/writing/exploring if you want to suggest something specific for me to focus on)

How do I feel better about this?

Anonymous — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 05:28:28 -0800

I just ended a budding relationship with a really nice girl, for a number of reasons. I feel like shit about it, what do I do?
So we started chatting online a while ago, because she's a friend of a relative. It progressed into talkin on the phone, and we spoke almost every singly night for 3 months straight.

She lives in another country, and came here for a wedding, so we met up. We hung out one day together, and this evening and things did get physical both times, though not all the way. At the end of tonight, we had a long talk, and I ended it.

I ended it because I don't think it would've worked out eventually for a number of reasons, e.g. she doesn't read while I love reading, career goals, other things. I just feel that there is more I want in a partner. Although I had seen pictures of her, the physical thing wasn't clicking entirely either. I'll also be moving to her city in a month, and also felt like I was entering into the relationship also to make that transition easier (tropics to North America in winter). I don't think that would be fair. I also don't think someone should stay with someone else just because they feel obligated.

I told her that I hoped she would appreciate my honesty. I feel really bad about it, but I don't think it would work out. If I were in her situation I'd rather know, than be strung along indefinitely, until something better came along. I'd like us to remain friends if she wanted to.

She said she's really disappointed, didn't expect this at all, how could I talk for 3 months with her and now just end it like this. She's just blindsided. She asked if we'd see each other before she leaves, and I said if she wanted to. She came for her sister's wedding, to which I was going to go of course, and asked if I was still going, and I said if she wanted me to.

I feel like so much shit about all of this, really guilty that I hurt her. What do I do? To be clear I don't think I made a mistake, I just feel really bad about hurting someone who doesn't deserve it.

Just asking this question feels like self-indulgent wallowing

Anonymous — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 18:47:05 -0800

Why am I such a pathetic sad-sack these days, and how can I shape up before I drive all my friends away? I am miserable. I just got out of a three-year relationship about 3 months ago. I don't regret breaking up and I don't want to get back with him, it was all very amicable and blah blah blah, but I guess I now realize that being with him masked some pretty terrible emotional problems I have.

I met him when I was 18. I really hated myself then. I just knew no one would ever love me. I’m lucky to have met him, a genuinely nice guy, because I was just asking to be taken advantage of. And I thought that being with him had made me better, because I was very happy with him and I liked myself and all that. In fact, ironically, being with him made me strong enough to say goodbye when the time came- he made me confident enough to do that. I thought, leaving him will be ok, because I’m strong now and I’ll find someone else. But now I realize- I'm not fixed. Being with him just covered up my problems, and now I'm almost 22 and I'm still the same needy, pathetic wreck I was in high school.

My life. I had behavioral problems as a kid which meant that I never had close friends. Some school friends, but nothing meaningful. Finally got some good friends in high school, one best friend, but I didn’t appreciate them and I didn’t know how to be a friend to anyone. I was too scared to even pick up the phone and ask someone out for coffee because I KNEW that they didn’t really like me and would just go along, not enjoy my company, and then talk about me to everyone else. As you might guess, I never dated anyone in high school. I did go on two dates with a guy I met outside of school, but that was it.

College was wonderful, in that everyone really did seem to want to be friends, I joined clubs where I could contribute, etc. All good stuff. And I had a little success with guys. A date here, a makeout there. But somehow it was all sort of pathetic. I wanted a guy, no matter who, and so I spent some time with some major sleezeballs. Even though I had finally gotten guys to notice me I still didn’t think I was worth dating and I was still very sad about it, although my life was immeasurably better.

Then I meet my ex. He was and is a sweet, attractive and talented guy, and we hit it off immediately. Like talking for 6 hours the first night we met, and that was that. I became a different person with him. I liked myself. I had a ton of friends. I felt attractive and loved. We went out for 3 years, but age, distance and different life directions made us realize this summer that we were growing apart. Now we are friends (we did the no-contact-for-6-weeks thing).

Here’s the thing. When I was with him, by the end, I thought- there are ways in which we’re not good for each other. There is a guy out there for me who is a better fit, and I’ll find him. I just knew it- I would be ok. Being in such a better place than I was 3 years ago, I would go back out in the world a changed woman and everything will be so different from how it was before.

Well now I sit alone in my room wishing that I could get just one guy to glance in my direction, no matter how stupid and assholey he is.

And the REALLY stupid thing? I did! I slept with a very attractive guy after the breakup, and I was the one to tell HIM, sorry, this was a bad idea, it’s too soon for me. And there’s another guy I know who clearly likes me who I am not attracted to. Those guys liked me! And I know that just because all the guys I’m attracted to are taken, it doesn’t mean that that will continue to be true forever and I missed the boat on love. And I know full well that since my school is 60% girls and my major is 80% girls, the fact that I don’t have guys all over me doesn’t mean anything. I know I’m not actually some ugly unloveable hag. But I don’t BELIEVE it.

Here’s some other stuff I know but don’t believe:
-Hitting on guys doesn’t make me a pathetic skank, and guys don’t laugh about my efforts after I’m gone
-The fact that all my friends have boyfriends and I don’t doesn’t mean all my friends are more interesting and hotter than me
-I am someone worth knowing and someone who a person might actually want to have sex with
-My ex was not the only person who will ever love me
-If I am unattractive right now it’s because of my bad attitude, not because of who I am

I am well aware that I’m wallowing in misery. What’s worse is that my friends all know I’m feeling like this. I try to keep it under control but, last night I drunkenly spent an hour crying to my good friend about this stuff, and while she was very sympathetic I know I need to get it together. I need to stop being miserable or my high school fears will come true and no one will ever want to spend time with me. I am ‘that girl’ and I don’t want to be. Twice I have gotten drunk because I was sad. I have never let myself do that before. The other day I was cleaning my room and just burst into tears.

I want to be happy with or without a man. I want to be the person I was with my ex- the person who was funny and fun to be around and didn’t dwell on her lame cliché problems constantly. I want to be able to be alone and not have these shadows of self-loathing always waiting for the moment when I hear a sad song or see a happy couple. What the hell is wrong with me.

I am at the end of my rope. Is there any hope for this guy?

bookgirl18 — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 14:21:09 -0800

I am at my wit's end with this relationship. What's left? Hi y'all,

After quite a while of lurking, I've given in and decided to join. (This is a wonderful community that I'm glad to be a part of!)

I hate to start off with a long RelationshipFilter question, but I think an objective, outside perspective on this situation might be helpful.
I have been dating BF for ten months now. BF is an uber-science nerd, an MD/PhD with little to no relationship experience, whereas I am a bit of a serial monogamist and keep finding myself in long-term relationships despite myself.

We are extremely different, which is not in itself a dealbreaker. He is as practical, rational, and emotionally clueless as I am dreamy and poetic. He likes to stay in, I'm more social. We had been friends for a while before dating, so we enjoy each other's company and appreciate each other's senses of humor. Plus, if I may say so, he is the first person not myself or a little red bullet to bring me to orgasm. So, um, that is nice. ;)

However, his overall emotional insensitivity is reaching baffling, upsetting heights, so much so that I am contemplating giving up. I've tried communicating my issues openly and clearly, without yelling, crying, or being irrational (I hope), but as of this post, nothing has changed enough.

He can be abrasive and very opinionated. I work in publishing and am thinking of humanities grad programs (another post!), while he wants me to succeed but can't understand why anyone would go into a non-science or economics field. He tries but doesn't seem to really care about what I do or understand what drives me, which saddens me.

He has claimed that he "doesn't really feel things," which, since he is not a robot, can't literally be true. But, it's pretty extreme.

Case in point: I, on the other hand, had a particularly brutal day on which my apartment was robbed AND an acquaintance of mine passed away, tragically and young. I came to him for comfort and support and he stared at me blankly, asking why I was getting so upset. This did not make me feel better. It was only when I started sobbing that he paid attention.

Another sore spot has been other women, unfortunately. I have been cheated on before in prior relationships, so, despite myself, I probably lean on the insecure side. Quite a few women seem interested in him, and he does not do a good job of acting disinterested. The other night, a friend and I were discussing past heartbreak, and he chimed in with, "Oh, do I count as someone who has cheated on you?" .....Cue awkward and puzzled looks from my friend and me. (Poor friend has never been so uncomfortable in her life.)
When I retorted, "I don't know.....do you?", he said he was making a joke. ?
Later that evening, he spent an entire party chatting up one single girl (to whom he did introduce me as his girlfriend, admittedly), which is not in itself a huge offense. But on the heels of that earlier remark, and of so much prior emotional stupidity, it did not please me.

I have tried explaining that other girls wouldn't concern me if I felt better about *us*. That, when feeling insecure, all I needed was a, "Don't worry about other girls, I'm happy with YOU" or some such thing.
Instead, what he said was, "I am sometimes tempted by other girls, but I don't act on it." EPIC FAIL. I almost walked out then and there.
Even if that is true (and sure, we know it probably is), who would say that at a moment like this? Moreover, isn't there a difference between looking at hot models or passers-by and being "tempted" by people?

I have gotten him to admit that emotions confuse him, that he loves being with me but doesn't know where it's going, that he is not cheating (which I feel I must believe), and that he is not consciously trying to make me jealous or play manipulative games. I even saw him tear up when he realized how badly hurt I feel. But nothing has changed.

MeFites, the heart of it is that I am exhausted and feel small. I consider myself a patient person but have never felt so sad and let down by someone to whom I give so much time and energy and care. I have never had a previous relationship like this. What would you do if you were me at this point? Is there anything left to save?

Thanks for the read. :)

How do I get out of this emotional hole and get things done?

Anonymous — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 19:33:48 -0800

Seeking short-term coping mechanisms for being productive in school during a devastating breakup, and for comedy TV I can watch to help me through it. Long story inside. My partner of, let's say 4-8 years and I broke up about 5 weeks ago. We got together when we were both freshmen at our university and had an instant strong bond. It was a mutual breakup due to some relationship dysfunction that was related to a sexual health problem I have and anxiety/depression we each have. We have lived together for several years and while we're in the process of finding some way to move out, we are still roommates for now.
The first few days we were broken up, we both had a terrible time and cried a lot. We have remained friends with little drama, other than both having some crying spells, up until this weekend.
Due to some events this weekend, it really started to sink in that I may really be losing him for good and I began to panic. Things came to a head and in the middle of the night I told him how I felt and it was very emotional for both of us. We ended up having sex. I didn't realize, but at the time, he was drunk (I was exhausted from crying and not sleeping). While we were having sex (which was his move), we were talking about things we wanted to do sexually in the future. The next morning, though, we kissed again (again his move) and said sexual things toward me. Not an hour later, we talked about what we wanted to do relationship-wise. Basically he said he doesn't think it's a good idea for us to get back together right now.
I'm totally crushed. I told him he betrayed me, fucked with my head, and that I just wanted to know why he would so something like that to me after normally treating me well. He says he was stupid to do those things last night and this morning, and he did them because he was confused about how he felt and thought maybe we could get back together. I feel so betrayed, used, and just hopeless. We're part of each others families. Before the breakup, we often talked of concrete life plans like marriage and kids. When we technically "broke up," it didn't feel so real or permanent and we've continued to live life as normal, hanging out just with no romantic contact.
Making matters worse, I'm a first-year law student in the throes of finals studying time. This weekend I have done nothing for school. I don't even think I can get through classes without bursting into tears randomly. Missing much class is not really an option, but I know I can't go tomorrow. I can't get out of bed right now. I don't know how I can get through the semester. There are counseling services that I plan to utilize, but until I can get in, I am in a wandering panic.
I have no friends to talk to about this. All of my friends are either friends with him, too, or friends who live out of state and I haven't been in close contact with recently enough to call up with my problems. I'm don't really talk to my parents or siblings about personal stuff like this.
I don't like dating or the whole game of trying to meet people. He and I became friends and were very close before any romance occurred. I don't feel like that kind of connection will be easy to find again any time soon.
I've read tons of breakup related AskMes, and some of the things in there have been helpful, especially the thing about "existential panic"

1. Are there any general suggestions for what I can do to get through the day(s) until I can get some counseling?
2. One thing that does help calm me is watching DVDs of The Office. I've seen them all so many times in the past month that it's almost not working anymore. Any other shows like this, such as ones about people with run of the mill lives with comedy and some realistic life sadness would probably help, too.
3. What can I do to try to be productive and not keep breaking down while studying? I can't leave the house, which usually helps, because I will probably start crying randomly, and at home, all I can do is zone out playing solitaire and watching The Office to keep from bawling constantly.

Sorry for such a long story, but I really felt I needed to give all the details for this to make sense, and my mind isn't so clear for editing.
If you have any advice you don't want to put here, you can email heartbrokenmefite@gmail.com

and my heart has slowly dried up

Anonymous — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 15:40:24 -0800

Another mental health, break up related question. What about me changed so quickly? I am at a loss to explain my behavior maybe you can help. I had been dating a girl (I am male) since my sophomore year of college. Upon graduation we broke up briefly, she moved to NYC, me to Boston. We got back together quickly and were genuinely happy with the long distance relationship. I became miserable at my job, decided to apply to grad school and she decided to apply to a school here in Boston (among several other places). However, now a year and a half later over the course of three weeks I completely pulled away from her, shared a bed with another girl after a Halloween party, and broke up with her via email. We have talked and she is devastated. She said to not call her for a really long time and I agreed.

I was raised Catholic and along with that developed the stereotypical habit of feeling guilty about so many things. I should be devastated but I don't feel anything. I have very loving friends and family and I want nothing to do with them. Today I was able to concentrate almost the whole day at work for the first time in months. I have been depressed in the past but nothing like this before.

How is it possible for someone to go from boy scout to fucking asshole that quickly? Was it there inside me all along? Is this biochemical? I am not looking for excuses or 'be young while you can' rationale for my behavior, I want to be the person I was at the end of September again.

That last talk.

Anonymous — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 14:44:51 -0800

How to go about the final talk, the post-mortem, if you will. I got dumped this week. I'd been seeing this girl for about 3 months, a co-worker. Pretty surprising, we had really good times together.

Anyways, we went out earlier in the week, the event we were going to happened to be sold out when we got there, so we went to a favorite bar to hang out. Had a good time, when she's dropping me off, before I get out of the car I get "I have to tell you, I'm getting back together with my ex, so I don't think we should be making out anymore."

I was a little drunk, and pretty caught off-guard by how she phrased this, thinking really? Your going to drop this on me as I get out of the car, after we'd just spent 3 hours having a good time hanging out. And I'm also thinking "Wait, what? we shouldn't be making out anymore? That's all this was?" It wasn't all this was, we were consistently going on dates and having great times. It wasn't just a "hey come on over to watch a movie" type of thing. So I stammered something out giving me some time, she asked for a hug, and then I went on my way.

Anyways, this stings. It hurts that in all the time we spent together, the way she ends it is kind of "By the way...", in passing. It also hurts realizing that I was just some guy she was making out with while she was waiting to get back together with her ex. I haven't met anyone I've gotten along with so well since I moved to my city three years ago, so I know this didn't last super-long, but I'm disappointed.

Since we work together (different departments, but we have to interact quite a bit, and she's close with my co-workers, who don't know we were seeing each other) and since she lives with a good friend of mine, I need to figure out how to be around her without feeling like crap.

I'm going to talk to her tomorrow, since I didn't want to leave things with me drunkenly stammering something, and that's that. I'm hurt, I want to calmly express that, because I don't think she really understands this. And I want to somehow convey that in the interim, I don't think we should try to be friends, and it might be best if she doesn't come down to my department to hang out, which she did the rest of the week at work, making me really uncomfortable, and again, feeling like crap.

Thoughts about how to go about this talk, how I should structure it, how to get the best results out of it (which would be me being able to move on in a healthy way) would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks.

How do I break up with someone I love?

Anonymous — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 11:21:25 -0800

How do I break up with someone whom I love and am happy with day-to-day? My boyfriend and I have been together for six years, living together for four (I am 24, he is 31). We love each other and are generally very happy together. But recently I have been thinking about the long-term future of our relationship, and the fact that we are incompatible regarding our views on marriage and children (I want them eventually, he doesn't). Common sense and logic dictates that we should try to end things amicably before this turns into a Big Problem, to give us time to find other people, but it's such a major life change that it's scary for me to think about.

Something that has brought this into focus for me is that in the past few months I've developed a (unprecedented) crush on someone at work. I found myself thinking and dreaming about him a lot and eventually realised I was maybe trying to distract myself from thinking about issues in my own relationship. It was like a lightbulb going on in my head. I was determined to articulate exactly what was bothering me deep down, get it all out in the open instead of my usual letting them fester, and resolve them. (Mostly all issues that have cropped up in the last year as a result of this, fwiw. I bear him no animosity for what he did; but I became depressed, less trusting, more paranoid and insecure. I feel like I'm in a much better place now though.)

I had in mind that we would hash things out once and for all, and if I was still unhappy then that would be that. I could walk away knowing that I'd tried but we couldn't work things out. This was bolstered by my fantasizing about a potential shiny new future with crush-guy (who, actually, I'm quite certain I do like a lot - more than anyone else I've ever met, except for my boyfriend - he's not just a distraction). Well, my boyfriend and I had a big long emotional talk, and the issues were resolved. And a part of me was disappointed.

So now I'm realising that I maybe I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him. And that's a hard thing to admit to myself, because I've spent my whole adult life with him and I felt settled and that my life was Sorted. And it's a scary prospect to give that up, especially considering that I don't really think things with crush-guy will work out as I hope. (I still want to try though, in time when I'm ready.)

I'm coming to the conclusion I do have to break up with my boyfriend and start my life over, because maybe I want more. And long-term, we're not sustainable in any case. But I can't reconcile that with my current day-to-day life with him in which, like I said, we are happy and everything is fine. I haven't explicitly talked to him about this yet, though he does know that it's been on my mind and making me unhappy lately. I just can't really fathom breaking up with him for real. And I don't want to lose him completely - I do love him, and we are really each other's only close friends.

I am just a whirl of confusion. How can I come to terms with breaking up with him - and actually do it - out of the blue, after six years, at a time when we've made it through a difficult year and reconnected to be closer than ever? When we've been really quite happy for the last few months?

How do I know I'm doing the right thing, and this isn't just all heat-of-the-moment blinkered thinking? (Though I have had this on my mind constantly for about 2 months now, and haven't changed my mind.) Am I just throwing this away because it's not Perfect? What if it takes me another six years to even find someone else whom I like? I am kind of a shut-in, and always thought it was a bit of a miracle that I found my boyfriend in the first place. I will be losing my only close friend, and I don't think I can fully imagine what life will be like without him.

Wow, this is incoherent. I'm sorry. Hopefully you can read through the fog and see what I mean. Christ almighty. I try to be rational and analytical about this stuff but it just leads to me being dubious of what I'm feeling at any given time, because I know it might change. Rational doesn't seem to work with emotions. This post started out one way and ended up another, which may be an indication of what my mind is like at the moment.

Learning to make better decisions in relationships filter:

Anonymous — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 19:52:35 -0800

Help me get over a broken heart uber-style. I'm taking my recent relationship experience to the max and looking at why I do what I do. Can you help me? About two months ago, I went through a pretty non-descript breakup that hurt, as all breakups do, but had a fantastically heartbreaking unexpected coda that left me in a deep depression. Without getting into much detail: We knew each other for a while, dated, had an awesome time together, things started to get funky with both of us playing a part and that led to us not being together. Not what I wanted but life don’t always do what we think it’s ‘sposed to do. After the breakup, I was privy to an overwhelming flow of information about my ex that involved lying, cheating, secrecy and all around bad form and behavior behind my back (I did not seek out the information, it came to me.) To say the least, I was devastated.
I decided to take this opportunity to look at myself, my choices and my relationship “resume”. Needless to say, I’ve made bad choices in partners before (surprise!) and vowed to get a handle on this situation. I began therapy, write regularly and spend time with good friends. But, is that enough? I know it’s only been two months but I cry. All.The.Time. I’m having a hard time processing this recent experience not to mention looking at a lifetime of dating disasters. I can see some of my patterns, you know? I see that I have made some romantic decisions based on immature reasoning: The chemistry is good, the sex is fantastic and turning a blind eye to inappropriate behavior for fear of failing in relationship. Again. This last one was a doozy ‘cause I thought I was being smart and mindful. Communincating clearly, being vulnerable and honest and all that good stuff but it was probably the most painful ending yet. I really want to learn how to make better partnering choices but don’t know how. I mean, seeing my pattern and knowing how to change it are two very different things. Not to mention, I am human. Prone to make mistakes. Does that exclude me from having a loving relationship?
So, have you been able to change your relationship patterns for the better? How and what did you do? I don’t expect that I will do an automatic 180. I expect a little two steps forward, one step back action but god damn! I need some help on the two steps forward. I feel I reek of this experience and don’t feel like I’m moving in any direction at all. If this sounds familiar, the making bad relationship choices part, how were you able to change? Anon but email can be sent to changemypatterns@gmail.com
Thanks a bunch for any and all insight.

Breaking(up) news

Anonymous — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 17:32:30 -0800

What is the best way for a couple to tell their mutual friends that they're ending a long-term relationship? My partner of nearly six years and I decided a few weeks ago to break up. This breakup is amicable and mutual. We still live together and will have to do so for at least the time being for financial and logistical reasons. We are best friends and were before we became a couple. Most of our problems were related various very complicated issues that are impossible to explain briefly, but they weren't really tied to our ability to interact as friends, just as a romantic couple. No misbehavior by either party, or anything like that. We are very private about the inner-workings of our relationship, and none of our friends, mutual or not, know about these problems. We met early in college and I'd say 75% of each of our friends are friends with both of us. We have a group of about 10 core friends who are equally friends with each of us.
We haven't told anyone but family, and a few non-mutual friends who aren't really connected to our core friend group. We still hang out with each other, and hang out with our friends both together and separately and just act normal. It seems hard to bring up the subject of us breaking up without it being weird, or seeming like an announcement or something. Neither of us list our relationship status on things like Facebook, so it's not like we can just go the passive route without it seeming really contrived (we don't have to "end" our online "relationship" since it doesn't exist).
I know that a few of our best mutual friends are going to be 1) shocked, and 2) probably pretty upset because we've all had a certain dynamic as a group that they will see as changing, even if it really doesn't have to that much (neither of us foresee dating again in the near future since we need time alone, and even then it will probably be outside of our interactions with the friend group at issue). We have been seen as a unit for the past 6 years. The breakup is still pretty surreal to us (we're still having a hard time coping, but that's a whole 'nother AskMe). We know we don't have to tell them yet, but it's going to come up eventually, especially as we spend less time together.

TL;DR aside, I'm looking for suggestions of what worked for people who had to tell their friends about their breakup.