Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with break

How to wash my hands of this lease?

Anonymous — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 07:45:25 -0800

Breaking my lease: landlord barely making an effort and raising the rent. What are my chances in court? YANML, I want to know where I stand before I start pouring lawyer money after rent money. Pennsylvania, since that's probably applicable.

I gave my landlord ~2 months notice I'd be breaking my lease. He's decided to raise the rent $100/month ($1100->$1200) which we feel is not at all competitive given other listings in the area. The not-as-newly-rennovated place directly next door is renting for $1050/month.

He has put minimal effort into advertising -- he's posted a total of 2 posts on craigslist over the past two months.

We're posting on a daily basis, showing the apartment a few times a week -- and time and time again, every person that we follow up with mentions that the rent is the sticking point. There have been at least two people that have said they would have taken the place at our rent, but not at the new rate. We have this in writing (email).

For what it's worth, we've tried to communicate with him regularly -- stopping paying rent is not our first choice, but we've gotten nowhere talking to him. The landlord is the owner of the house and previous resident. He is/was a great and friendly guy, but turned positively *icy* when we told him we were moving. Sorry dude, getting a new job is not personal.

Right now he has our 'last months' rent + a security deposit. I'm *very* tempted to stop paying him rent when I move out, because I don't feel he's making a good faith effort to rent the place out. Is this an awful idea? If it comes to court, do I stand a chance? I just can't afford to pay rent on an empty apartment he's making minimal effort to rent out.

Straightening a leg at the knee after a leg break

Mrevilbreakfast — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 07:12:49 -0800

Niece EvilBreakfast is on the road to recovery after a break of the femur. Although doctors say that the positioning of the pins inserted to help heal the break shouldn't cause a problem, since the bandages came off she's unable to straighten her knee. Physio has not helped, and after 3 months we're starting to get concerned. The doctors and physiotherapists are saying that there's no reason for the problem; you are not my doctor... But has anyone else come across this and have any suggestions?

Two good reasons to break a lease

beefetish — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 13:27:51 -0800

My lease expires May 15. I need to be in another city the first week of March. My housemate and I want to move out ASAP because our neighborhood sucks. Please advise. More details inside. I plan on breaking my lease anyway because of a job offer in another city- housemate would also be moving at this time, so there's no roommate drama.

However, two attempted break-ins and one suspicious guy loitering in our alleyway last night have tipped our feelings about the neighborhood from "rough but not a clear and present danger" to "why do these people want to break into our house so badly" -- it looked like the same guys trying to get into our house each time. Called the cops each time, cops said, oh yeah, high school students have been breaking into houses all over the place for drug money, nothing we can do. Being hit three times in one week is pretty fucked up so we want to move. Ordinarily I'd find some folks to replace us on the lease but i don't want any of my friends getting their shit jacked. There has been an uptick in violence in the neighborhood the last couple months and it has officially become old.

Dad advises finding a new place, eating the damage deposit, and moving, but not paying the rent on the old place. This strikes me as potentially foolhardy. Is there any way of prematurely terminating our lease without being on the hook for two rents until May?

Schizoaffective question

villazapat — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 06:21:24 -0800

Has anybody ever dated someone whom is schizoaffective, which is a combination of a mood disorder and psychotic symptoms. If you have , have you experienced being dumped without an explanation when you thought everything was going well.

All the tracks lead you to heartbreak.

dhn — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 13:26:36 -0800

Best break up albums of all time? So, I recently went through a heart-rending breakup. In which I have listened to so many breakup songs (We Belong Together! The End of the Road! Martha by Tom Waits!) and that This American Life episode called "Break Up" so many times on repeat, singing along with clenched fists that the neighbors may call the state on me. I just purchased The Fall by Norah Jones, which may be the perfect breakup album (if you like Norah Jones, and I do!), which is a back-and-forth chronicle of ambivalence and heartbreak over her own break up with former collaborator/producer/boyfriend Lee Alexander. There's lots of threads about break up songs. But what about break up albums? I'm only coming up with recent examples like Alanis Morissette's "Flavors of Entanglement," about her breakup with Ryan Reynolds. And then there's Liz Phair's "Exile in Guyville." But tell me, MeFites, what are some others? I've been loving just immersing myself in one album that says it all: "I need you, come back, fuck off, you suck."

If love is a battlefield, have I become a conscious objector?

Anonymous — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 15:34:34 -0800

Heterosexual male in his early 30s after a long-term relationship finds himself not really interested in the opposite sex. Is this normal? Some Background: It's been about a year since amicably ending a 10+ year relationship[1]. I decided to do the 'smart thing' and not rush into dating or random one night standards, which I managed to keep to, other than 6 months ago I had a small fling with a female friend[2] (who I have known for a few years) that lives in another country. Barring that, in the past year, I've found myself not really 'interested' in women, dating or nsa-wise.

I'm still sexually attracted to women, I've not suddenly become sexually attracted to men. I do miss having sex, but every women I've met since the relationship ended just doesn't seem to 'pique my interest', so to speak. I've meet some beautiful, smart and funny women in the past year, but all of them just don't interest me in anyway more than friends or acquaintances.

My friends have tried to 'hook me up' with ladies from time to time, usually ending in semi-disaster usually caused by me not being interested and sometimes complete oblivious. While it all makes for funny stories at the pub, they are[3], as am I, starting to wonder what is going on.

I am happy going through life right now as things are, my work is great, challenging and feels really fulfilling. I don't pine for someone/anyone to be with me. But I do wonder, is this a normal reaction for most people out of a long term relationship to go through?
Questions can be asked at throwaway email account (thatyarrthere[a-t]googlemail.com) if required.

1. We have no intention of getting back together. Nor am I in a desperate search to find her exact replacement.
2. While we enjoy each others company, neither of us are interested in a long distance relationship.
3. They aren't pressuring me to get back in the 'game'. They are just being good friends and are 'concerned'.

Not sure what you want?

stillhopeful — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 15:36:20 -0800

Have you ever felt that you are lost and not sure about your life, purposes, what you want for yourself and how you want to live your life? I've been with my bf for 2 yrs.(we both are in 40s) recently he told me he needs to take a time off from our relationship and clear his head for awhile. We never have had any problems, barely fight, we were always happy and he even told me it's not our relationship that he need to reassess. He said he wants to have clear head and have his priorities straight so that he has control of his life. he said he doesn't feel like he has control of anything right now.

I am pretty confused by this situation because I couldn't understand the reason for the separation. Yes I do understand what he wants to achieve. Yes I do understand that he needs to be clear of what he want for his life. His priorities, His purposes. He said that there are "unfinished businesses" that he needs to face, briefly he mentioned that those are grieving of loss of his closest family member and the very painful past relationship. (he was mislead and ended up costing him a large amount of money)

He said without doing these, he can not commit to me 100%. I know everyone has different ways of "processing" things. As for me, getting over a bad experience in relationship is to trying to forget fastest I can and have a happy and great relationship. Putting the past behind and move forward. but instead of doing that, he wants to put "us" on hold. I don't get it. If he has doubts in our relationship, he could tell me so. but he said its not about that. It's got nothing to do with me.

So, I want to ask you all grown men/women, who went through a similar situation and what were the outcomes, who also experienced something like this and how you handled?

I thought "why am I going through this with someone whos not sure for whatever the reasons" "what if I waited for months then he decide not to get back with me" "isnt it better that I just assume this is over so that I won't have to go through another heart break"
I communicated with him my thoughts. He was getting upset that I am not prepared to doing this with him and for him. I wasn't the one wanted the break. He is not sure but he wants me to wait til he can give me an answer whether he wants to be in this relationship or not? Does he know he is being selfish? I told him that I am hurt. Not seeing him, not talking to him. but his response was "JUST LET ME DO THIS" I didn't find no reason that he can NOT do all the things that he said he wants to process and being with me at the same time. I don't get it at all.

What does he really want to achieve in this BREAK? Do you think there are might be something else that he didn't tell me about? It's been 3 weeks since he moved out. we are talking/texting but not seeing.

I lost 10lb over this and that's not the diet I want to be on...lol
Let me hear your opinions please!

You can contact me to riviera949@aim.com also if there are some unclear details.

Sex with an ex?

bananaskin — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 12:15:25 -0800

I'd like to hear stories or comments from others who have slept with their exes. I am a woman in my 40's....I had dated my ex-boyfriend for about 2 years, off and on. He was an alcoholic & liar during that time. Slept with other women without telling me supposedly during our "off" times, but there were definately overlapping times in which he never disclosed what he was doing. I found out and broke it off, then we got back together and on the cycle went. He no longer sleeps with other women, or so he says. Of course I do not believe him. He stopped drinking 6 months ago. But his basic selfishness & dishonesty continued.

Anyway, during our last break up & no contact for 6 weeks, I finally caved and called him to come over in the middle of the night, "just for sex". Of course, he comes over, jumping at the chance for sex. I had thought in the past, and wonder now if sex was his sole or main desire all along, not a real relationship.

We now have done this 2 times, and the experience was good, I guess. It was just plain sex. There was no intimacy. In fact, the whole thing from beginning to end was in the dark with absolutely no eye contact. I still hate him, but feel good to have this physical comfort, being quite lonely. I am "using" him now, and that feels like some sort of revenge, but I am sure he is not being hurt at all in this, as he enjoys it too.

I just wonder, how do you keep from getting hurt out of something like this? This really is not my nature, as I really want to have an emotional, real, relationship with sex growing out of that. I have found that I feel a little sad and dissappointed with the emptiness, being that the sex is devoid of any communication, intimacy, sharing of emotion. But I find if he just comes over late at night, then leaves right away, I can sort of "compartmentalize" this away from the rest of my daily life.

At the same time, it does feel a little liberating to just use him for sex and enjoy it just for that.

Any other people out there who have done this and have some stories to share or advice?
Thank you.

Why can't i quit her?

jdp — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 23:30:09 -0800

My girlfriend and I broke up about 3 months ago now. However, we have been in contact regularly (after about a month and a bit of zero contact) since then and have seen each other on occsasion. When im not busy i find myself always thinking about her, and things constantly remind me about her. Im not 100% sure about getting back together with her, what should i do? Towards the end of our relationship, things got pretty bad - i wasn't happy because we were fighting alot. I guess i became less affectionate/caring because of the fighting and it put things into a downward spiral. So i broke up with her in a bit of a kneejerk reaction to a fight we were having.

How do i know if its the right thing to get back together or give it a shot? I obviously care about her a lot because i havent cut her off completely, but popular culture tells me that i should have this burning desire to get back together with her and we wouldnt have had this break for this long?? If it is the right thing to do, whats the best way to play it.

I would think we'd hang out and see where things go, but she would find that hard to deal with and would want some certainty ie. if we're not together by x date then its off?

Cheap nice holiday destinations from London in September?

Cantdosleepy — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 04:18:36 -0800

Cheap holiday for a few brits in their mid-20s? Looking for destination suggestions: somewhere cheap to get to and a little off the beaten track for three lads in September... We're looking for somewhere with some interesting history to investigate during the day, and a lively night scene. I'm not talking Ibiza bangin' tunes and vomiting a donner over long-suffering locals, and I'm not too comfortable with the travelling-style 'holidaying-in-other-people's-poverty.' It would be nice if we could find somewhere where we don't have to contend with the culture of the Ugly Brit Abroad, and could just enjoy some cafe culture and dancing and museums

Cheap flights from Gatwick or Heathrow, tasty beers, great views, nice churches/mosques/town halls, vibrant music, and any other features you care to suggest.

We don't have a continent in mind, it's really price of flights and accommodation whilst there are the key factors in how far we can travel.

Am I Selfish?

Anonymous — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 13:33:51 -0800

I have just broken up with my girlfriend, because I can't change. Can you help? This is a complicated topic, which I've tried to keep concise. Thanks in advance for reading!

I've just got back from the airport after one of the worst days of my life. My girlfriend has broken up with me.

Let me give you the (brief) background. We have been going out for three years. It has mostly been a long-distance relationship (me in England, her in Germany), but we have always managed to speak for an average of an hour every day on the phone, and visit each other at least every month.

The long-distance thing has been a strain at times, both on our finances and our time. We are both students (I'm 21, she is 20) and every period of free time (e.g. summer, easter and christmas holidays) has been divided between her place and mine. This has been at the expense of other things like holidays with friends, and time with our families.

The first time I can remember her talking about us having problems was about a year ago – she said that we would likely break up if I didn't start changing my priorities. Last year was my first year of university, and I was mostly concerned with making new friends, and going out and partying. I made time for our phone conversations, but sometimes I guess I did see the calls as a little more of a task than a pleasure – when my friends were doing something, I wanted to hang out with them, and shift the calls until later. When she came to visit though, we had a lot of fun, and enjoyed each other's company. This year, I think I've improved in this regard – partying has moved down my list of priorities, and she has in turn become more relaxed/flexible about our phone calls.

Over the last 6 months, however, things between us have been getting worse. Probably the main reason for this is what I affectionately call my “forgetfulness”. When asked to do something, especially by her, I mostly forget to do it entirely, or do it in the wrong way. For example, when she asked me to get a card for her dad's birthday, I said I would get it later, but then completely forgot about it. Or, on a recent trip, she asked me to bring some stuff from our hotel room. I brought too many bags as I wasn't sure which ones to get. This doesn't sound like much, but when this is happening literally 95% of the time, it obviously got to wearing her down, and making her think I didn't care about her.

I also am quite a passive person, something I think I got from my parents, who also avoid confrontation. When in an uncomfortable situation, I am not very likely to stand up for myself. She, on the other hand, is a strong personality – she stands up for herself, is outgoing, and loves to organise things, but she actually has little self-discipline. My passivity came across in our relationship when she would need my help, either to make her do something (e.g. study for her exams) or to help her with something (e.g. organise a holiday for us). I did not feel comfortable giving advice or telling her to do something, as I thought that she would be far better at organising than I am, and far more perceptive when it came to people. Now, I have got slowly, slowly better at standing up for myself. But the other problems are still there.

She has given me two deadlines in the past two months, saying that she wanted to see a definite change in me if we were to stay together. Both deadlines came, and went, and I hadn't changed. What did I do to change? I wrote what I wanted to change down on a list (Be confident, Take care of her, and be someone to look up to) and looked at it every other day. Then I tried to remember to be/do those things.

She arrived here, in England, about 10 days ago. On the first few days we had big arguments, mainly about me forgetting to do things, or, one time choosing to go out with my friends as I forgot that we'd discussed it and agreed to stay in together that night. We talked about it and agreed that when the end of her stay came (today) we would break up, as I'd shown her that I hadn't changed.

After that talk, we had very few (if any) arguments. We had a fun week, doing everything a couple should do, and trying to forget that I hadn't changed. This was not too difficult, as we have always got on well, apart from the arguments, and we fit well together.

Today, before she left (tearful and heartbreaking – we spent the last few hours just hugging), she gave me a few pieces of advice. 1. Don't follow other people – make up your own mind, and don't assume that they know better than you. 2. Try to look at arguments/situations from the perspective of a third person. That way you can more easily see it objectively. 3. Take responsibility for things – she said the reason that we were breaking up is because I had not changed, despite the fact that changing was entirely in my power.

This last one puzzled me, as I have obviously never wanted to be passive, or shirk responsibility, or not take care of her – it wasn't as if this was a concious choice not to change. I asked her about it. She said that my main problem was that deep down I was selfish.

She said that my forgetfulness came from not really caring or paying attention to what people were saying, because I had no real interest in it. i.e. when she told me to get the bags from the hotel, I didn't listen too closely. If she asked me to pack the car and I did it wrong, it was because I hadn't watched her packing it before – I didn't have a real interest in how she liked to have her car packed. (These are fairly trivial examples, but I hope they illustrate my point.) I hadn't changed because I had no real interest in doing so.

I would love to get back together with her (and from what she said, she would take me back), but I realise that my perspective may be a little skewed now having just experienced the break up. Objectively, it may give us a chance to see if the relationship is what we both want in the long-term, or whether we were just accepting it because this is what we've known over the last 3 years. Also, if I go back to her and I haven't changed, it will just hurt her all over again.

So this is where you, dear reader, come in. What I am hoping to do is change myself. I recognise that I have been selfish (not just with her, but also in dealings with my family as well) and I do not want to be like that any more. I want to be more analytical, more confident, and less selfish. Can you help me by giving your perception of the situation? Am I selfish/immature? If so, how can I work on myself to make me less selfish?

I realise this is a long post. If you've got this far, I'm so glad you stuck with me. I really appreciate it. Feel free to ask for any clarification you want, and bookmark this page as I will be updating the post as things progress!

Thanks in advance for your help.

Cut while skydiving will a person bleed faster?

Sully — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 21:11:47 -0800

So my buddy and I watched that old Keanu Reeves film Point Break the other night, and we got to talking. We're thinking that more air pressure causes you to bleed at a more furious pace. So if someone's in a knife fight in a plane, is cut, say across the arm, then jumps out of the airplane to parachute to the ground - will they bleed to death before they hit the ground because the air pressure is causing them to bleed so quickly? It doesn't have to be skydiving, it could be on like, Everest. Will you bleed crazy fast higher up? I know that there are a lot of variables here, but I'm just curious if the thinking is sound.

When should I have Keyboard Cat play me off?

Anonymous — Wed, 27 May 2009 22:42:47 -0800

I started a job after taking a year off of work. I've found I don't think I want to stay at it long-term. How soon can I leave without hurting my future employment prospects? I took a year off from work during which I played around with a few projects, thought about where I wanted to go with my career, did some volunteering, and relaxed. At the end, I concluded that, for my day job, I wanted to work in the same sort of job as before but in a certain industry.

So, I moved across the country to take a job with a company in that industry, taking a roughly 20% pay cut in the process. (It hasn't put me anywhere near the poverty line or anything like that, though.) Well, I've been at this company for two months, and while I don't hate it, I'm fairly certainly that I don't want to be here for a really long time. It doesn't make me feel the way I thought it would, nor is the company as mature as they seemed during the interviews.

I have a long-term plan, but I'm going to have to keep a day job for a few years at the least to make it happen, so I do need a job. I thought about sticking it out here, but now that I know that I can achieve the same levels of satisfaction and dissatisfaction at a job that pays a lot more, why should I?

If I hadn't taken that year off, I'd be looking for a new job right now. The thing is, taking a year off, moving across the country to take another job, then leaving that job a short time later understandablly makes me look like a capricious flight risk to a prospective employer. Having stayed at jobs for 4+ years at a time before my break might mitigate the appearance of flakiness some but probably not.

How long do I have to wait at this job to avoid having prospective employers automatically check the "flake" box after looking at my employment history? And when asked about why I left so soon, what's the best way to frame my answer to convince them that I can be counted on to stick around for 1-3 years at a job that's not all rainbows and gumdrops?

Why is Plastic Model Breaking, How Best to Replace Parts

rahnefan — Tue, 19 May 2009 10:38:54 -0800

Do unassembled plastic model kits become brittle or warped over time? Is there a preferable medium for building replacement parts? I'm assembling MPC's The Strange Changing Vampire (1970s) and pieces are breaking. I think it is styrene. One piece just didn't fit; I tried heating with a hair dryer (ineffective) and hot water (ruined the piece). I can replace it but the ones that broke are moving parts, essential to the function of the model. How-Not-Tu-Do-Torial in progress.

Leaving.

Anonymous — Tue, 12 May 2009 19:56:20 -0800

I'm graduating. I'm leaving my girlfriend and will be far away from her, and we both don't have the option to be close for the next two years. Hence, it's ending. Any advice for feeling better? It varies recently... we decided about a week ago that it makes sense to break up when I leave. She's going abroad (the other side of the planet) next semester, and I have a job a few hours from school. She's a sophomore, and we've been dating for a semester, and it's the best we've ever experienced, happy and healthy and fun. I love her, not in the tragic Romeo&J sense, or in the must-marry sense (I hate those sense), but in the this-is-a-person-I-love sense.

But we're going our ways, and it makes sense to go those ways and remember this as a wonderful time instead of hanging on and this possibly becoming one of those strained relationships that flickers out. I think in a year I might look back and say it's the right decision, but it's damn hard to think right now.

I'd like to tell her that, in two years, if she's in the area and would like, we could get tea or something. Is that a bad idea?

I feel okay recently when I'm with her or with friends, but alone I start to feel apocalyptic. I hate that we're already talking about 'our relationship' in the past tense.

Part of asking this is just in the asking, but please, I'd appreciate any words of wisdom in this situation. I know that the rest of my life won't be tragic and terrible, but leaving the best relationship behind as well as lots of other friendships (and constantly being reassured that since I have a high-paying job, I should be happy) is killing me a little.

Thanks.

No rest for the weary

levijk — Thu, 07 May 2009 18:41:57 -0800

How serious an offense is it when your employer refuses to give you a meal break? I live in the state of Washington and have reviewed Washington Administrative Code Sections 296-126-002 and 296-126-092. Today a friend of mine told me that he was explicitly denied by his supervisor a meal break during a shift that lasted more than five hours (he not an agricultural worker).
I suggested he follow protocol and take it up the chain of command but he believes his supervisor's superiors will "close ranks" and only make life difficult for him.
What should he do and what are the consequences for breaking the law?

Additionally, several incidents of rudeness and public condescension which began suddenly last month make him suspicious that he has been outed as a homosexual.

He has not asked for my advice but I'd like him to know his options because he is ready to quit. Thanks.

Problems with earbuds

graventy — Thu, 07 May 2009 14:56:57 -0800

Help me stop destroying my iPod headphones! I listen to a lot of music/audiobooks/podcasts using an iPod, and a pair of earbuds. About every 6 weeks or so, if not sooner, the earbuds start to fail, and need to be replaced. It always seems to be a wire problem at the area near the jack.

Is there an easy way to fix these old sets of earbuds, or something I can do to prevent further breakage? Or, can you recommend a good set of earbuds that'd stand up to lots of abuse and use.

cigarettes:gum::internet:???

fermion — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 10:20:54 -0800

What can I do for a mental break besides surf the Internet? I'm a graduate student. Writing papers, researching, working problem sets and other grad-student-ly activities can be a bit fatiguing to the brain, requiring the occasional mental break to refresh the mind and re-set thought patterns that may have got into a rut.

Since I do most of my work on the computer, the natural thing to do when I want to take a break is to surf the Web. But inevitably, one link leads to another and I look up from my "five-minute break" to discover that half an hour has passed. Programs like LeechBlock have helped a little, but for me Web sites are like potato chips: I can't visit just one. Once I've begun it's difficult to stop.

So I need something to use as a mental break that, unlike Web surfing, is self-limiting. Something that I can do for five minutes that won't create such irresistible temptation to keep doing it, that will leave my brain refreshed and focused. Please help me replace this bad habit with a better one!

Help With Getting out of Lease

cbulock — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 21:31:56 -0800

My girlfriend needs to move out of her apartment she is sharing with roommates. What types of consequences could she be facing financially? Can she find any person to replace herself on the lease? The background to this is quite long, but essentially my girlfriend moved in with two other friends of hers last fall. The relationship between them quickly fell apart and they have been very controlling of her. They decide what times she needs to go shopping, when she needs to clean. Unfortunately, she had been letting them walk all over her. All this time they keep threating to kick her out. This was her fault initially as the very first month, she was late on her rent, but she has been on time every since.
Now the reasons for trying to kick her out is because she doesn't shop with them, or she isn't home when they clean.
She was willing to move out, but before they moved in, they all signed a contract that stated they would all pay their share of the rent even if one of them was evicted by the others. This added to her roommates threats as they kept insisting that she would have to keep paying even if they kicked her out.
Since around Christmas, she hasn't even been living their as she had to move back with her parents due to some transportation issues. But they are still insisting she buys things like toilet paper and dish soap since she agreed share the costs of those items. I'm a really caring person normally, but the way they are treating her really has me infuriated.
Even though she hasn't been living there, most of her things are still there. She plans to move out this weekend though. She has been leery to do so though, as she is still going to be paying the rent. I suggested before to her to look for a replacement for herself. Her roommates were against the idea and said only if it was someone they knew and approved of.
My main questions are, is it possible to find someone else to take over her lease for her, and would the other roommates have to approve of that person. What about mitigation of damages? If she moves out, will she been stuck will lease payments for the rest of the lease, or are her roommates eventually responsible for replacing her. This is in Michigan, BTW if any of these answers pertain to laws that differ by the state. And I realize most people answering aren't giving actual legal advise.

A break is a break

Anonymous — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 12:26:22 -0800

How to know if I actually want the relationship back? Relationship of three years currently on break. Last week, I asked for a break from my SO of three years. It was my first relationship, I'm in my early twenties. I'd always conceived of myself as independent, striking out in a big metropolitan city with a tiny apartment downtown. I never really envisioned being in a relationship for this long, this young.

The main thing that made me question the relationship was the fact that my SO isn't very opinionated, whereas I am. I enjoy lengthy discussions about whatever comes to mind, rather than simply reciting whatever neat thing it is we found on Wikipedia that day.

That said, in other respects this relationship has been amazing. We've talked at length about what the future holds and how we plan on compromising to stay near each other. For the last year or so, the potential for marriage has been on my mind, and every time I envision that tiny apartment, and add the SO to the picture, I feel all warm and fuzzy. My SO is very kind and supportive, and has been my best friend these past years.

I asked for a break because I wasn't sure what I wanted out of a long-term relationship, and life. I've recently gotten really involved with a rather social activity that takes up a lot of my time and introduces me to a lot of new and interesting people. It felt like a completely different world, and the fact that my SO was not at all part of this world was really disorienting. When I was with the club, I almost felt single. I thought I was making the right decision in asking for some space; I have until the beginning of May to think things over.

I read this question, and I see a lot of people pointing out things that indicate that the Asker isn't actually interested in getting back together with their SO and is simply experiencing the natural regret that comes with breaking up, including:

- not indicating desire for the partner
- not jumping at the opportunity to get back together

Since I asked for the break, I've been a bit of a mess. I spent two days just sleeping and moping and going through the motions of talking to people and doing laundry and eating and whatnot. We still talk, and hearing their voice makes me unexpectedly weepy. When people who don't know about things ask me how I am, I feel angry that I'm forced to put on this smiley face and pretend everything is okay. In my mind, May can't come soon enough, and the thought that I might not care anymore by May scares me far, far more than the thought that they might move on. During my periods of lucidity, I wonder what the hell is wrong with me that I'm NOT crying.

I know part of the regret and the second-guessing is a natural process, but surely, some of the above indicate that I do still want to be with them? I don't want to ask to get back together and put them through a whole load of drama unless I'm certain of my decision.

Things to do for my fiancee during spring break?

Inkoate — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 08:19:24 -0800

I have a week off school for spring break, help me do fun, silly and romantic things for my fiancee. I have a week off of my second year of law school coming up for spring break, and I want to take amazing care of my fiancee while I have comparatively less to do so she'll still think wonderfully of me when finals come around and I don't see her for a week straight. Can you help me with ideas?

Ladies, what wonderful things have your SOs done while you were away at work that really blew you away?

We've gone away a couple weekends recently, so things that are easy on the wallet are preferred, but not mandatory. We're in Washington, DC.

(Also, I've seen a couple of older threads in this general vein, but I thought I'd ask more precisely with my requirements, but links to places with good ideas are obviously welcome too).

Philosophical question about relationships: Is 100% mutuality required?

goalie — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 14:16:13 -0800

Philosophical question about relationships: Is 100% mutuality required? By which I mean: Boy wants to be with girl. Girl isn't so sure s/he wants to be with boy. Shouldn't boy then not want to be with girl since she doesn't want to be with him, i.e. doesn't appreciate him for what he is, doesn't love him the way he deserves to be loved? (Gender irrelevant here.) This obviously isn't how things happen in practice (except in hindsight though even then still rarely I think) but isn't it how they should, ideally, between two mature, healthy adults?

More generally, are imbalances in relationships ever tenable?

Apols if this is way too vague. (I just broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years because he was ready to marry, have kids, commit for life, and I wasn't, for reasons I'm not completely clear about. I just kept thinking that he shouldn't want to be with me if I'm not as committed as him.)

Is it too late to break up with my wife?!

kitkat09 — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 10:40:08 -0800

Is it too late to break up with my wife?! My story sounds crazy but it is true. In my culture couple gets married straight away without even knowing each other very well. It is more or less like buying a watermelon form a seller who insist that you just buy it without even grantee that it is good and sweet!. I should not have agreed :( . Any way, that what happened to me. I got married to a girl without knowing much more about her. I know her family. My mum saw her and told me that she is good for me. – Sounds crazy but honestly that what happened. I did ask about her. They told me that she is a good very well educated beautiful girl. As soon as we got married I found that she is not the right person for me although she is not bad. She lacks of self confidence and got a social phobia and has no plan for future. However, I worked very hard to avoid harming her by jumping to a decision to get divorced. I decided to give her some time in hope she will change. I was there every time to help her. I encouraged her to move on till she got her degree form a UN. Things got worse when she got pregnant. I felt that time there is no way back and I must accept her as she is a mum of my baby. Therefore, I decided instead of break up with her I would do what ever I could to make her change. She kept promise me that she will change. Nothing really changed. I couldn’t divorced her for many reason; divorce is not good for my baby life; finding another partner to marry is not easy as I have to get married again which means a lot of money need to be invested, around $ 37. 000. Also, I was very busy with my Master degree as I was part time student working and studying. Later on, I got a chance to study abroad. Many people around me said to me it is your and her chance to make change. Now, she is with me abroad with my tow kids. I encouraged her to open her eyes to learn form the new place, to learn new language, culture and got change and get rid of things at home that might holding her back. She has been here in the UK with me around three years. She has not changed that much. Now, I feel really guilty because I did not get divorce before I had my first kid; I kept dreaming that she will change and lied to my self; I don’t really lover her; she is scared of divorce idea; I lose my time coz im not in mood of studying because of her. What im concern about now is my kids 5 years and 7. I’m studying a PhD. My kids need care. They go to school. I m happy that they are here they learn here. I’m not sure how to break up with her. Peaking up according to my culture has to be official and no way back. I’m really sad, Frustrated and a afraid of making my final decision I don’t know what to do.

Name this weird dance

crazylegs — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 04:47:10 -0800

What's the name of this kind of dancing? There's a certain kind of dancing, I guess it's considered break dancing but I'm not sure. I'm looking for videos of it online but don't know what to call it. It's hard to explain; basically the dancer moves parts of his/her body while isolating other parts so it looks like the parts are kind of melting into each other. I don't know how else to explain it. Anybody familiar with this? Anybody know what it's called?

Who is funkier?

phrontist — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 14:14:53 -0800

Who are the percussionists (drum kit and... congas?) on Nina Simone's Funkier Than a Mosquito's Tweeter?