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Looking for attention in all the wrong places

dentro — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 19:36:34 -0800

Why would a woman be jealous of the attention her girlfriends receive from their significant others? There is an answer, but the issue has formed a pattern in my life that I fear is getting out of control! I would appreciate anyone who could take the time to help me out by reading more...:) Hello all!

First a little about how this all began...

I am a single woman in her early twenties, currently studying and living on my own.

A few years ago, while I was still living with my family, I met my best friend's boyfriend for the first time. I had just gotten back from travelling so I was not there to see their blossoming "love" from the beginning.

My best friend and I are two people who have the potential to be at the same level, but because of my catastrophically low self esteem, and because we each grew up so different, it could never be so.
Up to this point in our friendship, I've always felt like I was batman's confidant.

Getting to the point...

When I met her boyfriend, I thought he was great.
Sweet, smart, successful (for his age). It was pathetic.
I began to think how unfortunate it was that I hadn't met him before she did! He appeared to be perfect in every way.

One thing that wasn't perfect of course was their relationship. This was his first serious one, and my friend was mentally abusing the crap out of him. She had just been in and out of getting her heart broken by someone else, and this new perfect boyfriend of hers was a new toy.

They fought day in, day out. THE FIRST FEW MONTHS of that relationship.

Their constant bickering could only remind me of why I chose to be single in the first place. It brought back unpleasant memories of old boyfriends and our old quarrels, it made me feel awful. I didn't want her to experience this pain that I had, and I knew she didn't feel that deeply for him.

THAT was another thing that got me super angry. Why are you with such a great guy when you can't even love him? How is he for you when you are just confusing your attachment to him with love?

(I know that I may sound evil and over dramatic. I don't feel good about it!)

I still remember how she was telling me about a fight they had and it was one of the first times she threatened to break up with him. She told me how it made him break down and cry and beg for her not to leave him. She felt bad for making him cry, but I could see that as much as she cared for him- she did not LOVE him.

After telling me about this, I recommended that she break up with him, to save each of them any future pain. He loves her, she doesn't love him- How is that fair?

They stayed together of course.

After a while I realized he had began to act weird around me, and after a group confrontation I found out that she told him what I said and they both suspected that I had a crush on him and was trying to break them up.

Truth is, I did kind of like him, as you can read! But I ALSO really cared for my friend and didn't want to see her tear things apart with someone she didn't love, even though she thought it was all fine and worth it because he was so "perfect."
I wasn't trying to break them up in any other way aside from giving that piece of advice, as much I had a little crush on him- she's my friend. I kept things kosher, yo.
Still, things were never the same for us.

I could never hang out with them again without it being awkward. Because her and I were so close, he had to deal with me and I with him on almost a daily basis.
I tried to confront him and apologize but he didn't want to hear it.
A lot of unfriendly words were exchanged, etc.
Anger and jealousy and trust issues between my friend and I went down because I had not made a very convincing case against not liking him and all. :-/

I should have spent less time with them, but because I felt guilty I tried to sustain our friendship as much as I could through being around her all the time (and he was always there).
I should have thought of myself first, and just kept my distance.

And yes, I noticed that I wanted to squirm every time they would show any public displays of affection. And it did pull at my heart strings a little.

This had been going on for the past few years, I suspect that after it happened I began to feel funny around couples. As though I subconsciously like the boyfriend of my friend and want him even if he may not be my type, even if he is a complete moron. I still want him or his attention for something. But specifically if he is a good catch, since I suppose it all comes back to the memory of my best friend and her "perfect" man.

It freaked me out recently because I started to three wheel with several other girlfriends, and I always get uncomfortable when they get too intimate with one another around me (even in simple conversation with one another in front of me).

I get kind of disappointed when I don't catch the guy looking at me, or purposely starting conversation to get to know me, or pay extra attention to me. You get the picture (Once again, I am not proud of any of this).

I went out with another good friend of mine and her guy for the first time recently, and while driving, I found something of interest in common with her guy. She decided to be funny by expressing jealousy and telling him, "Nooo! you don't like that, you like what I like!"
It was just a joke, but I swear my heart stopped.

I felt a series of nervous and familiar thoughts come into play. "Do i like this guy? why am I mentioning that I like what he likes? Next time I will just keep my mouth shut. I don't like anything. but I want to, I want him to like me!"
I continued to act kinda weird and faked fatigue later in the night to run on home sooner.

I do not want to lose friends over this.
I am dating someone that I like right now and it is going really well, though I still feel these unpleasant feelings. I just shouldn't three-wheel anymore.

If you have read this far ahead, thank you.
I appreciate it whether you hate me by this point, don't give a damn, or sympathize with me. It doesn't matter.

Writing all this down was therapeutic enough.
But boy, I'd be lying if I said it wouldn't be nice to hear a few words of advice on how to battle this!

- D

What gift should i bring my boyfriend's parents?

sarahj — Mon, 11 May 2009 09:58:20 -0800

What gift should I bring when I go to visit my boyfriend's parents' house? We're in college and have been "officially" dating for about four months. His mom and stepdad took us out to dinner about a month ago and said I was welcome to accompany boyfriend when he goes home for about a week before his summer job starts.

I mentioned to him last night that I wanted to bring a gift of some kind (of course!) and he said something along the lines of "aw no you really don't have to do that!" (I had assumed he would help me choose something perfect for his mom).

My mom suggested a plant (boyfriend's mom gardens a little). I was thinking I could get a large nice potted plant, but my transportation situation is limited to public and bicycle. Plus I don't know a lot about purchasing plants (no idea what kind would make a good gift) and am extremely indecisive when it comes to buying gifts for people. I had thought about sending an amazon.com gift certificate (for maybe $50) after the visit, but my mom didn't like the idea of them being able to see how much I spent (agreed). Aagh! What should I bring boyfriend's mom? Should I send something after instead? or maybe both?

I need to break up with my boyfriend, but I need some advice on how.

giggleknickers — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 09:47:18 -0800

How do I break up with my boyfriend? My boyfriend and I have been together for over five years and living together for four. He is the absolute sweetest boy, and sometimes I can't believe how good he is to me. He is very attached to me, constantly hugging me and stuff. If I'm out all day, he tells me how he missed me once I get back.

Unfortunately, over the past six months, I just don't feel like I'm in love with him anymore and I just don't want to be with him anymore. I hoped it would pass, but it's not looking like it.

He has only had one serious girlfriend before me and I know he was suicidal when she broke up with him.

I've never been dumped myself, so I just want some advice on how to minimize the hurt as much as possible. I don't know what to say, what not to say, what to do, what not to do. I keep hearing that "Let's be friends," is one of the worst things you can say (though I can't understand why apart from the cliché factor), so I guess that's out?

He is having a hard time financially at the moment, and moving out and getting a new apartment can be expensive, so I would like to give him some money. Is that acceptable?

Gah, just some advice, please. I'm feeling nauseous from the guilt here. I care about him so much.

my friends suck

Anonymous — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 06:53:19 -0800

What to do when you find out that one of your friends cheated on his girlfriend (who is also a friend?) The complicated explanation: My good friend has been unhappy with his (1.5+ year) relationship for a while: his girlfriend treats him like a child, doesn't trust him, checks his text messages, etc. He has told me repeatedly over the past 6 months that he's not sure he wants to be in a relationship and has also said that he and his gf have come close to breaking up several times.

He responded to his unhappiness and the lack of trust by proving his current girlfriend right and sleeping with his ex-girlfriend a few weeks ago. The ex-girlfriend is a friend of mine, and told me about it this weekend.

The most awkward part by far is that I am also friends with the girlfriend. I confronted the guy about it today, he admitted that it happened and that is was a mistake and a shitty thing to do, but also said that he doesn't want to tell his girlfriend about it. I feel really awkward about the whole situation and wish I didn't know about it at all. If he's not going to tell her, it seems like a breach of "girl-code" to keep her in the dark about her boyfriend's asshole behavior. I don't really know where to proceed from here.

Feeling like a rebound..

SummerLove — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 13:00:12 -0800

In love with an ex boyfriend that i am currently dating, but i think he's still in love with his other ex gf, i feel like a rebound, should i stay or should i go? Help!! Basically we were together a few yrs back for about 2yrs broke up went our own ways and didnt speak for about 2 yrs, i had other bf's but never loved them like i loved him, he fell in love with another girl he dated for about a yr, they broke up and now hes back in my life.
But i know for a fact he still misses her and probabaly does want her back but doesnt go after her. i been hurt by him before i dont think i would be able to take that again. everything is great between us now, but im always paranoid that any minute now he will say "we need to talk, we cant be together anymore im getting back with my ex gf". i know he cares about me, but other than that i dont know what he really feels for me at the moment. Should i ask him? i dont want him to feel pressured that i want us to be more committed or scare him off, because i definitely want to take things slowly. But i also feel he is with me because he is trying to get over her somehow and that bothers me. should i wait a while and see where this keeps going and risk the chance of getting hurt, again!! or leave now?? i love him deeply, always have but i just dont know what to do anymore, i need to here other opinions besides friends.
Thanks in advance.

Advancing to candidacy gift/gesture?

booknerd — Tue, 20 May 2008 09:22:02 -0800

My boyfriend is advancing to PhD candidacy today, and will be giving a talk to his committee and all that jazz. He's been a stress case about this for weeks, understandably, and I'd like to do something nice for him to celebrate. Ideas? I'd send flowers, but I just gave him flowers a couple of weeks ago. His talk is at 1pm, and I'm at work until 5pm, but I'll be going to see him after work. I thought about maybe making him a cute cheesy card or something, but I'm not sure I'll have time. Yes, I probably should have planned this farther in advance. I'm not really looking for anything too involved though, just some sort of small gift or gesture that says, "Congratulations, and I'm really proud of you." Of course, I've also just told him that, but you know, actions speak louder than words or something.

He's also planning to have some sort of party to celebrate on Friday, so if anyone has ideas to throw out for that, I would appreciate it too. I'll probably be cooking some things. I'm not a PhD student, so this is all a little bit foreign to me, although I'm pretty familiar with academia in general.

How to deal with good person who is a bad roommate

vegsister — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 09:55:46 -0800

I bought a house a few months ago, shortly thereafter asked a friend and former housemate to move in with me, and am now feeling almost constantly enraged by behaviors that didn't bother me so much when I didn't own the house we shared. In fairness to myself, I think some of the behaviors are genuinely unfortunate--but I need some advice on what are reasonable limitations and how to stop my own complete transformation into a raging, miserable Nazi. My roommate leaves unwashed dishes around, and seldom lifts a broom or takes out the trash or recycling. She leaves a space heater on almost constantly so she can wear tank tops inside in the winter, and the utilities--which I made the mistake of including in her monthly rent--have doubled. She brought home a new boyfriend a week after she'd moved in, and he was over 3-4 nights a week until she dumped him two weeks later and the next day brought home a new one. I didn't much like the first boyfriend, and certainly wasn't happy with sharing a roof with him so frequently. When I bought a house, I wasn't planning on sharing it with random 20-something guys I'd never met, who my roommate has no qualms about leaving in the house when she goes off to work (the boyfriends have been unemployed). I know a renter needs to be comfortable having guests and it's none of my business whom she dates, but I feel uncomfortable in my own house. Buying it was of course a major investment and no small emotional and financial feat, and in exchange for all that I feel I should at least be able to enjoy some sense of sanctuary and control.

On the plus side, my roommate loves and tolerates my dogs (now three of them) and my boyfriend (who is over 3-5 nights a week) and is almost unfailingly relaxed and friendly. I never had a talk with her about my expectations and comforts before she moved in; when we lived in a group house before she wasn't a serial dater and seemed to keep things clean. Also, now that the house is my own I feel more protective of it and my own expectations have risen.

From looking at my finances I think I can also afford not to have a roommate; my boyfriend also plans to move in this fall at which point I'd like to have the house to ourselves. My problem is that since my roommate is a friend and I really like her as a person--she is 10 years younger than me but in many ways I really enjoy her personality and who she is--I can't bring myself to raise any difficult issues with her. Since she never says anything awkward or uncomfortable to me, I can't seem to ask her to use the space heater less, do her dishes, or take out the trash. Not to mention say anything about the ever-changing flux of arrogant young guys.

I know I am within my rights as the property owner to say all these things, and to have her move out whenever I choose as long as I give her ample notice--I am simply wondering what is the decent way to do it. Are my concerns at all reasonable? What's a good way to raise them with a decent, kind, if very lazy, friend and roommate? Should I tell her as soon as possible that I'll want her to move out by the fall, so she doesn't get used to the idea of staying there for years? Should I take the passive aggressive way out and make it so uncomfortable for her to be there that she leaves on her own volition? Yikes!

Would my roommate's boyfriend's surprise appearance be unwanted?

Anonymous — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 08:20:37 -0800

My roommate's long-distance boyfriend asked me to help him surprise her. But I'm afraid he might be the one who gets surprised, if she's sleeping with someone else (I'm not sure). What do I do? My roommate and I have been living together since September. We were assigned randomly (last year of college) and did not know each other before then. We get along well and are friendly, but we aren't friends.

She is from the opposite coast, and is in a long-distance relationship with a guy who still lives there. In October, he came to visit for about five days. I met him briefly and said hi, but we didn't talk. He stayed in her room (we have separate bedrooms). Everything seemed to be going well: they went out every night, she put tons of pictures of them together on Facebook, and they had loud (although brief) sex every night.

Earlier this week, he called me out of the blue and asked for my help. He wants to surprise my roommate by appearing one morning, but because the apartment we share is in a college dorm, he will need me to go downstairs, sign him in with security, and bring him up to the apartment we share. He will be flying in early Saturday morning and flying out late Saturday night (his family has a ton of money, much more than either she or I do). I thought this was an awesome, romantic idea and he was amazingly sweet and dedicated to think of it and to be willing to give up so much (not just money, but a lot of time and effort) to make it happen, so I agreed without a second thought.

Tonight my roommate brought another guy into the apartment late at night, made dinner for him, and hung out with him for hours, talking/joking about a lot of things, including explicit sex talk. Their conversation didn't include any obvious reasons for his presence (e.g. both foodies, or he wanted to learn how to make this meal, etc.). I thought I heard a few sounds of kisses, but they were cooking, so it could have been something else? This was all in the shared area, where I couldn't help overhearing. They also spent some time inside her room. At one point when they were in the kitchen, I went in pretending to get something. Nothing obvious was going on, but they were clearly physically comfortable with each other (touching, standing against each other when I tried to get by in a crowded space).

I have really good guy friends of my own, so I know that could be all he is, but among other things, we live so far away that friends don't want to come over -- they'll ask to meet at their places, or somewhere in between. Literally, in 3.5 months, neither of us has ever had anyone but sex partners visit the apartment. Between that, the late-night circumstances, the possible kissing . . . it seems to add up. But one thing against that interpretation is that when she was having sex with her boyfriend, she was very loud, but when she and this guy were alone in her room, I didn't hear anything, so that argues they were watching a movie or something not sexual. Still, if she was single, I would definitely assume that this was a date.

As it is, I have no idea what's going on. Maybe she's just realized she likes this guy better, and she's waiting to break up with the boyfriend in person when she goes back home for winter break. Maybe she's getting a little on the side and not planning on telling her boyfriend. Maybe she's sleeping with other guys so she can call her boyfriend and tell him every last detail while he jerks off. Maybe she's not even sleeping with this guy! Whatever it is, it's none of my business, and I wouldn't care at all if I hadn't agreed to help her boyfriend go to such great lengths to surprise her.

So what do I do? Call the boyfriend back and be like "You may want to reconsider"? Ask the roommate if she's interested in the new guy, and look incredibly offensively snoopy if they're just friends? Keep my mouth shut, go along with the plan, and have them both absolutely furious with me if she's done with him? The boyfriend is coming this Saturday, the 15th, and I'm sure he already has the plane tickets -- I have to decide fast!

Gifts for a dapper dan?

giggleknickers — Sat, 17 Nov 2007 08:54:35 -0800

What can I buy for my Dapper Dan boyfriend? My boyfriend loves the aesthetic of elegant, old-fashioned gentlemen. He has the sexiest long, dark, curly hair you have ever seen, so he suits the part well. Gifts I have given him for Christmas and birthdays in the past include:

-A leather "doctor's bag"
-A pocket watch on a chain (which he has worn nearly every day since)
-A leather diary with Victorian-looking designs carved into it
-A fake quill, which was actually a fountain pen with a feather to give the illusion of a quill

I'm running out of ideas. Would anyone be kind enough to help me find a Christmas present? I would be open to getting him some clothes that are sort of old-fashioned in style, but modern enough that he can wear them without going to a costume party. I don't know anything about female clothes, much less male clothes, so I'm not sure how to pull that off.

He isn't particularly attached to any one era, so clothes inspired from anything from the 18th century to the 1940's should do it.

How's about a guy who's not a fuckwad?

Anonymous — Wed, 09 Nov 2005 20:57:00 -0800

My best friend in the world is about to move across the country for her asshole boyfriend. What should I do? Backstory: I love my best friend dearly, but she has a long history of making really bad choices with men. The current boyfriend is a jerk -- nothing criminal, but just generally shitty to her and really, really unpleasant in a variety of ways. They're now planning to move to a city where he has a support system, but that she has never even visited. I should add that they don't currently live in the same city as me, so it's not a personal loss thing for me, but I am really worried about her. Time and again she makes these giant sacrifices for the man in her life, only to wake up to the fact that he's cheating on her/using her/abusive/generally horrible months later. Now she's chucking her whole life (including a really great job that she absolutely loves) for this guy that she's known for less than six months.

I do understand that she's a grown woman and that there's nothing I can do to stop her from doing what ever she chooses to do. She doesn't need me to run her. But the question remains, what IS my role here? I've tried to just be really supportive of her, but she takes that as tacit support of the boyfriend -- even says things like "Everyone else hates [boyfriend], but he's not such a bad guy, since even you like him." Setting her (gently) straight on that point doesn't really get through. She knows I don't think that the move is a good idea at all, but I've tried not to harp on it.

So what do I do? Keep my mouth shut, offer her support? Voice (more strongly) my disapproval? Stage an intervention?