Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with boyfriend

My boyfriend won't stop lying and being dishonest with me.

Anonymous — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 14:54:57 -0800

I've got a big problem. My boyfriend won't stop lying and being dishonest with me. As I have posted here before (see: http://ask.metafilter.com/122616/I-am-trying-to-trust-him), I have been trying to work on re-building trust with my boyfriend.

He has lied to me about several major things over the last year and half we have been dating, including not telling me his best friend was in-fact his ex (and doing everything to avoid us ever meeting), to lying that he had finished high school when he didn't. There's lots of detail in other thread.

So, this August, I broke the relationship off because I couldn't deal with his dishonesty anymore. The final straw was him going to a nude beach with one of his ex boyfriends/friends (not the one already mentioned) and not telling me about it. The only reason I found out was because we ran into someone on the street that night who recognized him and made a big scene about it. I had no idea he had gone, let alone with his ex.

So, that was it for me. We broke up and he told me 10,000 excuses. That he never was nude at the beach anyway (which I believe), this was just a friend (lie), they went hiking, and it was all really harmless.

As well, he told me (as he does often), that he feels like he can't tell me anything because I freak out about everything that he does.

One month later -- this October -- we got back together. It seemed like he had realized what he was doing was unacceptable and really did believe that he could change and I began to trust him again. We have been going to couples' counseling once a week for the past two months and it has been helping. There hasn't been any more lies that I know of, until now.

Late last night after a particularly heated counseling session, he drops the bomb that during the day, he went out for lunch with another one of his exes. Just the two of them, and someone I wasn't even aware was his ex and have met once.

I admit this makes me uncomfortable but the biggest problem is that my boyfriend and I talked several times during the day about how each of our respective days were going/what we were up to, and he never mentioned this. He completely omitted it.

He says he never did anything wrong, because he DID tell me, just not the two times that I asked him during the day on the phone what he was up to. I think it's a lie by omission and considering all of the trust issues we have (especially with exes... this is the third one where there has been something similar), I am completely unsure about what to do now.

I feel like we should continue working on things because we got back together and are going to counseling but on the other hand, I feel like all of the trust I have rebuilt in him over the past couple months has been completely violated and he will never change.

Should we breakup?

Anonymous — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 07:33:14 -0800

How can I decide whether or not to end my relationship? My boyfriend and I have been dating for several years, and recently moved in together. On a day-to-day basis our relationship is fine, but I'm beginning more and more to feel concerned with some aspects long term. Our lease will be up in a few months and I feel that I should decide before then whether or not I think we have a future together, but I don't know how to address my concerns with him. I also feel like it's only fair to let him know how I'm feeling so that he's not blindsided by the news that I'm unsatisfied, but I don't know how to do that without making things very uncomfortable in the meantime.

Just for background, some of the issues I have are fairly simple, such as I'd like us to go do things like see shows or go hiking more often, and I'd like him to help around the house more, and some are more complicated. He comes from a very difficult and messed up family, which leads to him feeling overwhelmed and basically shutting down. I understand that sometimes he needs time and space to deal with his feelings, but it happens so frequently and leads to a lot of chaos in our lives. I also worry that at some point in the future there will be a time that I need him to be strong enough to help me through something, and I don't have a whole lot of confidence that he'll be able to. That may not be fair, he could surprise me, but it is something I worry about. I guess I just feel like I'm losing patience with the way things are, and I don't know if the things I'm impatient with are things he can or will change. I also don't know how to address the issues in a way that's fair to both of us. I can't give an ultimatum, but I also am frustrated enough with these things that I really feel like the relationship can't continue unless some of them change. I've brought up most of the issues on separate occasions in the past, but I think he felt like I was attacking him, and got defensive, so it didn't end up doing very much good, and led to me not feeling comfortable bringing things up.

I guess I'm looking for some advice about how to address our issues in a way that won't alienate him, or any opinions about whether intrinsic issues like shutting down can ever change. Thanks in advance.

Boyfriend. Almost.

Anonymous — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 13:38:46 -0800

I have this boyfriend. Sort of. I'm a first-year student in a demanding graduate program in a new city. Very early in the semester, while everyone was still socially feeling everyone else out, I clicked with Boy while on a series of group excursions. By early September, we were hanging out with each other, pretty much to the exclusion of everyone else, every single day, most of the day. We were just friends at this point. At first, I hoped we would remain that way, as I really enjoyed him and I wanted to hang out with him forever, sans drama. He was newly out of a three-year relationship that he broke off when he moved here to attend the graduate program, and I have had a year of romantic upheaval which featured, among other disasters, a final breakup with someone I'd been on-and-off with for four years, and right before I moved away from my old city, a mutual declaration of love with my male best friend and a subsequent failed attempt to date. When I met Boy, it seemed obvious, through our early conversations where we told each other about these things, that neither of us was ready or looking for anything more than a new friend.

Then he kissed me, and it changed. This happened two months ago--a little over a month after the time we started hanging out constantly. Despite the fact that I felt we were both not ready for anything, we definitely did like each other as more than friends (prior to kiss-day, we'd watch movies on his bed for an excuse to cuddle). We decided to proceed with "dating."

Now we are two months in to "dating" and there are problems. We fight. Our main problem is me, and the fact that I am hung up on words. When we first started, we agreed to take things slowly and cautiously, and to him, that meant no "titles." No "boyfriend" and no "girlfriend." That was fine at the beginning--I didn't want to have a friend one day and a full-on boyfriend the next day either. To me, taking things slowly meant a slow progression. However, through a series of conversations and fights over the past three weeks, it's come out that he STILL isn't ready for titles.

We've been "dating" for two months, and it's not normal dating, where you see the person a few times a week and send some emails and make some phone calls. We are exclusive. We admit we care for one another a great deal. We spend most of our days, every day, together. We have almost all the same classes, as we are not only committing program-cest, we are committing concentration-cest. We are boyfriend and girlfriend in practice, as most people understand the words. We have a few other acquaintance-type friends in our program that we do things with, but we are only close with each other, since we clicked so early on and then, probably unwisely, removed ourselves from everyone else.

It seems we have different definitions of what "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" mean. To me, it means we are 1) romantically involved, 2) committed, and 3) exclusive. To him, it has two extra criteria, which are, a more heightened level of emotional intimacy than he feels we have reached (partially since we've only known each other three and a half months), and a higher level of certainty that the relationship will work in the long term. He is not quite at the latter yet, he says, because we have been fighting so much lately. We have been fighting so much lately because I take everything very personally and make small things huge because I feel so insecure and disposable because he can't call me his girlfriend. He agrees we meet my criteria of the word and says we can call each other these things if it means we are using my definition. Great, right? Except I still somehow feel cheated. I want him to have the heightened level of emotional intimacy. I want him to have confidence that it will last in the long term. He agrees we are on a trajectory to those things, but how long can this take? You'd think that after spending THIS much time with a person, he'd be there. Or, he'd think "I'm not there yet, after spending this much time with her, and that means I might never be."

Another thing confounding this issue might be our age difference. Boy is six years younger than I am. I am 28. I worked for awhile and squandered my youth before coming to grad school. He's right out of undergrad. Our age difference is not apparent--I am exceedingly immature and look very young for my age, and he's rather mature for his age, except in the realm of calling people his girlfriend. I worry that because of our age difference, our senses of time and urgency do not match up. At 22, I felt I had all the time in the world to sit and decide about someone, too. Now I feel old and world-weary and I am sick of halfway-there relationships and I just want to be done.

I am worried we are doomed. I do not want to be doomed. I should probably mention that I really, really, really like him a lot. He is brilliant and silly and so much fun and so sane. He's so, so, so sane and different from every boy I've ever been with in the past--I have tended to be with moody, crazy artistic types with very little ambition. He is full of ambition and not moody and not crazy and not artistic. I can't help but feel, in my current position, that I am some novel old lady he's experimenting with while in the confines of grad school, and then he'll be done with me and move on to a girl his own age afterwards and marry her and have kids when he's 30 and meanwhile I will have just gotten older and older while wasting my time with him, hoping he'd eventually feel serious enough about me to call me his girlfriend willingly, and waste away old and bitter.

I say most of these last things in half-jest, but you get the main idea.

Why do I care so much about a word?

I really do not want to break up. I am afraid we may. And then I lose not only my sir, but my only friend in grad school.

Help.

My patience is running out!

Anonymous — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 07:32:48 -0800

My close friend hates my boyfriend. Can this be reconciled? Earlier this year, a close friend (who lives in a different city, I don't see him much, most conversation is online) expressed to me that he was interested in being more than friends. I declined, I have no feelings for him, and that was that...until I started seeing my now-boyfriend, about 7 months ago.

Friend has decided that he hates everything about Boyfriend. Everything about Boyfriend is terrible (despite the fact that they have a tremendous amount in common!), Friend makes passive-aggressive remarks about Boyfriend constantly to the point where I just stopped mentioning Boyfriend to Friend, but he still finds ways to make his displeasure known. Friend has left nasty comments on Boyfriend's blog.

Boyfriend is wonderful and patient with all of the drama Friend has thrown at us. Boyfriend is no trouble at all. Not breaking up with Boyfriend over this.

The question is, how should I handle this? What can I say to Friend to make him stop (or at least realize that he's destroying our friendship)? Every discussion we've had over this has ended in me apologizing to him! I don't even know how that happens...I'm not very good in arguments. I am extremely hesitant to cut out the friendship because, aside from this, we're very close. Friend has been there for me, we've been there for each other, through some extremely difficult times and some of my happiest memories have been with him. This seems like a silly reason to stop being friends, Friend would like Boyfriend if Friend would just give him a chance. Advice. Advice, please!

Email: thatsteamsmyclams@gmail.com

Is my boyfriend an alcoholic?

Anonymous — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 10:00:24 -0800

I think I may have to leave the man I have made many sacrifices for, because he is an alcoholic. But I don't have the guts to do that, because it would kill all the faith I have in humanity, and because I love him, and care for him, so very much. He refuses to get help because he doesn't think he needs it. Am I being stupid if I decide to stay in this relationship? I apologize if I am long-winded, but I think I have come to the realization that I have to leave the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and who I love deeply.

We just got back from a party at a bar where he ordered ten large bottles of beer. These people were my friends, and he was loud, obnoxious, and when they said that he had ordered ten bottles and needed to pay for them because no one else was really drinking, he was insulting to them. When I tried to talk to him outside, he threatened to smash my head into the wall - he wouldn't ever do that, but the fact is the he disrespected me all night, and didn't care what I thought of his behavior. He drinks non-stop every time we go out... but he's only obnoxious with my friends, not his - I am pretty sure he feels insecure... he's the kind of guy that prefers dive bars over quiet(er) dinner parties that my friends like to have. However, when we're home, he doesn't drink that much - maybe one beer or a glass of wine and that's it. I know him very well, and sometimes it feels like he is really insecure about himself, and wants to impress me, and that's what makes him drink. He is by nature contrary, and often says that I drive him to, when we're out and I tell him he should stop.

He has two DUIs. His conviction obligates him to go to AA meetings, he has to do jail time (96 hours), and he has to do community service. Our relationship started out in the worst way - long-distance and complicated - and he blames the downfall of his life on us... he got laid off, failed the MCATs. I was going through a rough time in my life (a divorce) when we first start dating after being friends for years, and he was there for me long-distance, but in that period his life suffered and he now resents me more than a little for it.

All this said, I love this man with all my heart. I know how intelligent he is, how capable of achievements (we both met in grad school while working towards our doctorates) he is, and I know above all that despite the crusty exterior, he would give the shirt off his back for a friend if he was asked to. I also knows he loves me... I won't go into it, but his actions when he's not drunk are mostly kind and caring. He's a fiercely independent person, and is extremely selfish at times... but he's a decent, good human being who would never intentionally hurt someone.

I am beginning to lose respect for myself, both because I want to stay with him, and because I can't bring myself to leave. He might ruin my life, but I keep telling myself things will get better. We both made sacrifices for the sake of this relationship, and while things haven't worked out for us professionally, I'm willing to overlook things and work for it... he doesn't have as much faith as I do. I know if I told him that I made the biggest mistake of my life with him, he would agree (he thinks his life has hit rock-bottom) and tell me I should find someone that can make me happy. Has anyone else had a similar experience? What do you do when you have burned bridges, made personal sacrifices, and go out of your way for someone only to be constantly reminded that they are too self-involved/ beat-down with their own issues to realize your devotion to them? Please help. My insides hurt, and the pain is taking my breath away.

Thank you for your input.

How can I salvage a friendship when I can't be around her boyfriend?

Anonymous — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 17:09:48 -0800

How do I salvage a friendship in an awkward situation? I live in a house with many people. One of our former housemates, my friend, let's call her P, came back to visit with her boyfriend, who she now lives with in another country.

While they were here, P's boyfriend did something that really upset another person living here, call her M. Without going into too many details, M has some mental health struggles that have made her difficult to live with. The boyfriend, while drunk, confronted M about how she has been really difficult, and he really violated her boundaries. Because M is struggling with issues from past trauma, she freaked out.

M's reaction might not be how another person would have reacted, but the boyfriend acknowledged that he crossed the line. He has done other things to make people uncomfortable in the past, always while drunk.

Because of this, mostly at my urging because I feared that I could not trust P's boyfriend when he drinks, which is often, we decided that P's boyfriend should not be allowed in our house again. M no longer lives here, she is elsewhere sorting herself out.

We communicated to P's boyfriend in an email that I did not write. I meant to write to P at the same time and tell her that this isn't about her and I still value her friendship. But because my work was so hectic this week I forgot to do that.

Now P has written an email to all of us in the house, and it's clear she's upset. I feel bad because I don't think I did a good job as her friend communicating with her.

So what do I do now to make amends and try to salvage my friendship with P, especially given that if they ever come to visit again, her boyfriend can't stay here? Even if it's not possible for her to want to be my friend in this situation, I want to do my best to be kind to her and make her feel welcome.

What is a better gift for my recently laid-off girlfriend?

smoothvirus — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 11:09:41 -0800

One for the ladies - should I get my unemployed girlfriend some nice jewelery, or some nice green cash? So I've been dating my current girlfriend for more than three months now and things are going really well. But, she got laid off a couple of weeks ago, and she's worried about paying her rent come January if she has not found anything.

I have been in the jewelery store looking at some nice things in the $100-$200 range but have not purchased anything yet, her birthday is tomorrow. I am planning on taking her to a nice dinner tomorrow, but now that I've thought about it a bit, she might appreciate a little cash in lieu of a nice pendant.

Just for the record, her job search is going well, she has four interviews just this week. She's never been laid off/unemployed before, but I have and I never got that many interviews in a week. So I'm proud of her. She's been very worried but I have been very reassuring. I know she'll be fine.

How to mend a broken heart

mesha steele — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 08:11:51 -0800

HeartbreakFilter: Help me come to terms with the end of my relationship and quit being in denial. I’m a 23 year old second year law student, and he’s a 26 year old grad student. We’d been together for a year and a half (the longest relationship for either of us by far) when he dumped me last Sunday. I’m completely devastated after my Thanksgiving was ruined (I was supposed to have spent the day at his mom’s house like last year) and with finals starting next week, I’m a wreck. Help me adjust to my new situation.

He was my first real love, and I was not expecting the relationship to end, especially not so suddenly. We seemed so compatible, with similar tastes in movies and tv and we got along great even when just hanging out together. We met on OkCupid but had real life friends in common. It was just a fabulous connection both physically and mentally when we started dating right before I started law school and he went back to school for his PhD.

Some problems starting cropping up in my second semester of 1L year; I’ve always been fairly high strung with some issues dealing with anxiety. I would get really upset over little things, sometimes related to him but often just situational stressors from school. I mean, he was my best friend and I felt safe revealing my insecurities and fears to him. Conflict is rough on him, but he was always super sweet and calmed me down when I got upset and cried over something small.

The anxiety issues kept happening, where I’d pick a stupid fight over something ridiculous maybe once a month or so. To me, I’d get mad really quickly but it would also blow over quickly, and I didn’t hold grudges. Apparently, he struggled more with the conflicts and thought I didn’t seem happy with him. I was, and I tried to assure him of that. We had a fight in mid October about this, where we agreed to try taking a break, since he wanted more space (we usually saw each other everyday, and spent most nights together). After we agreed to the break, the next day he called me and apologized and asked me to come over. Everything was fine for a month until last Saturday.

The same sort of stupid fight happened Saturday, but instead of blowing over, on Sunday I went over to his apartment to see him and apologize, and he dumped me. He said that the relationship didn’t feel quite right and that if it were meant to be it wouldn’t be so hard. He said he needed space and that he kind of felt like he was losing his identity. But at the same time he kept telling me he loves me and hugging me. We were both crying, and I’m ashamed to say I begged him to give it another chance, but he refused.

Now, a week later, I’m still devastated. I’ve tried to contact him a few times, through calls and texts, but he won’t answer his phone. I know that I caused these problems by leaving my anxiety untreated for so long. I started back on Lexapro which helped me through a tough situation a couple of years ago; with the anxiety medicine, even after only a week, I’m not so concerned about the little stressors that used to bug me. I just want to give the relationship another try when I’m not so hung up about the little things. It was always just little things we fought about, nothing major.

I’m still majorly in denial about the breakup, too. I dream about him every night, and getting back together. It just doesn’t seem real to me, and so many things in my apartment and just life in general remind me of him.

After this long saga, my questions are mainly, how can I get over this sense of denial? I really want to get back together, but objectively it seems pretty unrealistic. How can I convince myself that he’s no longer my boyfriend? How can I stop myself from dreaming about him and reconciliation (I wake up so excited in the morning at first because I think the dream was real)?

Alternately, does anyone have any advice for how to approach him about giving things another chance? I really think the anxiety medication helps me, and I’d like the chance to show him that I’m not going to freak out little things anymore. How can I show him that I’ve changed? I love him so much, and he said he still loves me.

Long Term Relationship Advice

xopaigexo — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 22:51:53 -0800

Long Term Relationship Advice My boyfriend and I have been going out nearly 10 months. We have our ups and downs, not too many downs. We get along really well as we were good friends before dating but i still find that i learn new things about him all the time. Not really good or bad things, just things that make me realize how normal he is. (Not perfect like he seemed at the beginning, and not a a** like he seemed for a little while after that). Still, I wonder if he ever takes a step back and thinks about the relationship as a whole, like I do. I'm a deep thinker, and im also insightful of why other people act and say what they do. I dont really talk about these things with him, so I dont know if he does think about things deeply or not.
I brought this up because I got kinda upset with him tonight, and it made me think of something even bigger. But anyways, I got a bit upset with him because I've been with family and friends for the past few days, and so has he. i've been pretty busy, but I still make an effort to talk to him at night or in the morning, just to say hi or whatever. I'll text him (yeah i know texting is lame, dont give me hell about it), and he'll kinda give me a quick response, like he has something he wants to get back to, and then the conversations pretty much over. That's how it's been the past couple of days. I'm just really not used to it being like that, because generally we see each other almost every day. I tried talking about it with him tonight, saying that i feel dumb whenever im the only one trying to talk. I told him Im not mad, and that i want him to go enjoy his break, but that i just felt dumb because he would hardly respond to me. I tried to say what i meant so that he would understand that im not mad, which is what brought me to thinking if he thought in that way.
Then, he said to me, like it was no big deal,"Well maybe i didnt wanna talk?" He made it sound like it was completely normal, and maybe it is, i dont know, but i hate how he assumes that i completely and totally understand him. I try to spell things out for him when im upset because i know he doesn't completely understand me when im like that, though he thinks he knows me inside out. Of course, when he said he didn't feel like talking, i said without thinking,"Well text me when you feel like talking then." It felt dumb, having this debate over text message.
He's the kind of person who just goes with things mostly. I havent been able to be like that because of deadlines, alot of stress, etc. He has deadlines too but he just seems to take things like that so much better than i do.
I guess im asking a number of things right now. Do guys who are in long term relationships ever really step back and think of their relationship as a whole, or do they mostly just go with things? Is it normal for a guy to simply not want to talk? Why does my boyfriend just "assume" that i understand things without even telling me? (iffy) And one last: What should I do about the fact that I told him,"Text me when you feel like talking then"? I know I overthink things, I am OCD and keep it nearly all to myself, but what if he...doesn't? Should i just text him, or wait until he texts me? Im not very good at being upset with people, i hate anticipation...help?

Hard to find?

Anonymous — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 09:26:33 -0800

I'd like to know where is the best place to pick up bi women (18-30) in New York City? I'd like to know where is the best place to pick up bi women (18-30) or curious one in New York City? I'm bi (female) and have a boyfriend and I'm really interested in bringing in a third for fun. I would like to make friends with a girl and eventually ask her to join us. I'm super cute, sexy and fit and so is my SO. I'm confident and ready to do this but I'm not sure where to start. Can anyone tell me about their experiences, pointers on picking up a cute girl at a bar or where in the city would be a good place to do this (any events, bars, lounges that has worked for you)? Throwaway email.. hurtheartskippedabeat@gmail.com

Stop worrying and love the boy

Anonymous — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 15:06:34 -0800

A medical issue has caused memories of rape to resurface and ruin my sex life. I have no money for therapy. Do I have any options other than being a mess and making both me and boyfriend totally miserable? About seven years ago, when I was a teen, I was drugged by a seemingly friendly guy and his companions, stuffed into the back of a car, and gang raped all night in a strange apartment. In the morning, they drove me to the edge of town and left me, bleeding and half-dressed. Somehow I wound up at a hospital, was treated for internal uterine lacerations and other complications, and sent on my merry way.

I've had years of therapy to mitigate the obvious ramifications. Some catharsis was reached when the men were apprehended and accordingly sentenced. It took a very, very long time to trust men again, but now I'm in a healthy relationship with the best guy in the world for the past 8 months. He knows my past and has been unflaggingly supportive. Our sex life is (was?) really great, though a little spotty during times when I'd fall in a funk. A month or two ago I had some medical complications arising from old tears and scar tissue in my uterus, which caused heavy bleeding, cramping, loss of soft tissue, extreme fatigue, anemia etc. I've been in and out of the hospital for weeks, and my boyfriend and I couldn't have sex until I was cleared by my OB/GYN. Meanwhile, my subconscious has re-forged a connection between sex and pain/rape that leaves me mortified of any remotely sexual activity.

Today I was cleared, but I'm terrified of having sex. Rationally I know I'm fine, and that consensual sex is good and fun, but even non-intercourse things leave me terrified. I have vivid nightmares of the rape all over again, something I haven't gone through since the first three years after I was attacked.

I have no money for therapy. All my money has gone to paying, out of pocket, my medical bills. I've tried some of the free and sliding scale therapists in NYC, but they were all bad fits or generally unhelpful. The only therapists that have worked for me in the past have been highly skilled, very expensive professionals who are experienced with victims of extreme sexual trauma. The hospital case worker was so overworked that she had my file switched with another patient's file and didn't realize her mistake until 45 minutes into a 50-minute session.

I don't want to lose this guy (who has a naturally high sex drive and has been swallowing his frustration and putting on a kind, brave face for my part) and our sex life to these harrowing anxieties. I know it's not his fault, I know he didn't cause this pain, but the very idea of sex has me bound in knots. I feel so incredibly guilty, despite my boyfriend's seemingly endless patience and understanding.

Are there any books I can read that address anxieties over sex among rape survivors? Any affordable therapy recommendations or other information can be directed to: anonymouseandbee@gmail.com

Let me slip into something more comfortable

brainmouse — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 11:50:42 -0800

My boyfriend is having a really bad day at work. I'm going over to his house when his day is over (which will be pretty late). What is the best way to cheer him up? I have the obvious things (sex & beer), but I want to really make him forget today, at least until tomorrow... He'll be getting home pretty late -- probably post-dinner. What is your best idea for how to do this? I don't have time to do a lot of buying of things or whatever, but easy, cool things I should do... things that would make your night Perfect.

Tell him about unwarranted jealousy?

BusyBusyBusy — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 13:48:14 -0800

Do you tell your boyfriend about (unjustified) feelings of jealousy, or just get over them on your own? I have a great boyfriend with a guy I've been dating since high school. He is a couple years my junior, and we go to the same university. Recently, he as made a new friend at our university, a girl we both had met before through volunteer work. She is a nice, funny, pretty girl, although not insanely attractive (I'd say we're about equal).

He recently had lunch with her, which I had no problem with. He has always had an easier time making female friends than male ones, and has confided in me that he is embarrassed of this. After the lunch, he texted me with "She's so cool!", which I agree, she is. Later he mentioned something funny that she said. This is all that has happened.

I'm not asking if I should feel jealous. I shouldn't. I know he loves me, I feel good about myself, solid in the relationship. But I do feel jealous. The question is, should I tell him? I normally tell him pretty much everything I think and feel, and him likewise. We have a very loving, supportive relationship. My concern in telling him is that he might a) think I'm being crazy b) block the girl out of his life to avoid upsetting me.

I'm mostly worried about b. This girl is cool, funny, nice, a perfect friend for him. Likewise, I have many male friends, even friendships with ex-boyfriends, and he has never said a word about jealousy. I don't want to upset anything going on between them, although in the back of my mind I'm worried it might develop into more. I also worry that telling him would actually weaken our relationship because it might seem I'm trying to shut other people out of his life. So what do you think?

Kisses are nicer when they don't taste like Camels

Anonymous — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 15:43:28 -0800

How can I let my new guy know I don't like him smoking without turning into an unpleasant nag? I'm newly in a relationship with a great guy. I like just about everything about him, except for the fact that he smokes. It makes him smell bad, and it's disruptive to our time together when he has to get up every hour or two to go out and smoke.

At this point, it's not a deal breaker for me; I don't want to issue any ultimatums. I saw my mother try to quit smoking for years; I know it was incredibly hard, and I know pressure from the people who loved her was the farthest thing from helpful. I don't want to cause my guy that kind of angst. I also don't want him to feel he has to hide his smoking from me.

I just want to let him know, in the most respectful, supportive way I can, that I would be happier if he quit smoking. His health and his finances are his business, and I know he knows the damage smoking can do to them. But kissing a smoker and having our evenings fractured are my business, and I don't think he knows how much I dislike it.

tl;dr: I don't want to make him quit. I just want to let him know there are some new reasons he might consider quitting. How do I walk the fine line of telling him that without pushing him?

"Like Rolf and Liesl, minus the Nazism!"

Gotham — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 09:20:43 -0800

What do you wish your first relationship had been like? Or, if it was perfect, tell me why.

I suddenly find myself on the more experienced side of the couple coin and I'm not really sure what to do here. How can I make sure that he'll look back on me fondly instead of in therapy?

How should I best handle bills when moving in with my boyfriend?

belau — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 09:44:11 -0800

How should I best handle moving in with my boyfriend? I haven't had a roommate for a long time, but will be moving in with my boyfriend soon. How do people handle bills and other expenses when they have a roommate, and especially when the roommate is your significant other? I'm a woman in her late 20's, would like to not get myself into a situation where I'm left with a gap in my own credit history, etc. Any other advice? I'm really looking forward to this, but want to make sure I'm handling it well! I've seen this question but am looking for input geared toward moving in with the future husband-type.

absent anniversary

chronic sublime — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 04:06:52 -0800

Myself: absent during anniversary. Boyfriend: potentially finding gifts around the house. You: help me! I am going away for a short break next week, but it happens to coincide with my 3-year anniversary with my boyfriend. I also missed last years'; I was OS. This distresses me to no end, which is where you come in.

What potential "surprises" can I leave around the apartment for him to discover while I'm gone? They can come in the form of little notes, small gifts, etc, or a more elaborate treasure hunt. He has been very stressed at work lately, and want to potentially cheer him up when he wakes up/gets home. Preference for cheap/free/thoughtful, please!

Potential problems: we live together, and the living space is a cosy two-bedroom apartment. I will have a small window of approx an hour to plant all the goodies before I leave for the airport, but have plenty of time to myself in the week leading up to prepare.

I am a good writer, a not-so-good craftsperson, a mediocre musician, and a consummate purchaser of consumer goods. He is a geek with a wicked outdoors streak.

I can use Facebook or my mobile phone to send messages, if that helps to orchestrate anything.

Go crazy!

Boyfriend Acting Weird

xopaigexo — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 19:33:43 -0800

Boyfriend acting different all of a sudden? Me and my boyfriend have been together for 7 months. We love each other very much ( Ive never doubted that ) and were getting to the point where we can tell each other pretty much anything. I know that guys are entirely different than girls in alot of ways, and i often have trouble with that fact when he says something i think is mean or insensitive, which 95% of the time is me taking things personally and he didn't mean what i thought he did. On the other hand, I wish he could understand me more sometimes. I also know that relationships change at about the 6th month, where the initial attraction goes away and in this case, we are realizing that we dont have absolutely everything in common and handle our problems in much different ways. I like to talk about things, to let steam off, and he likes to keep it inside except for telling me maybe the main issue. He never says how he feels about it, says hes fine, but then acts weird and down the rest off the day. Today, I asked him if he wanted to hang out and go somewhere tomorrow because I'm getting my license and i want to celebrate my "freedom". He said he couldn't, that he had tutorials. I asked him what he was doing after and he just said stuff and that he couldn't hang out. I knew something was up, just by how vague he was being. I asked him what was up and he just said he didnt want to hang out with me. He's never really acted like this before, and i asked him if it was about me and he said he just doesnt want to hang out. Earlier today was fine: he seemed happy like nothing was wrong, and it was just like any other day. My best friend (guy) told me that i shouldn't take it personally, that guys just need time to themselves sometimes. Hes never been wrong before about a situation, and I believe him. I just need some insight on the way hes acting all so sudden, when i never did anything wrong. More important, i need help and advice on how to understand my boyfriend better and vice versa. I know it should seem simple but i need help

My boyfriend has been doing lunch with the ex and not telling me about it.

neblina_matinal — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 06:54:06 -0800

I found out my boyfriend sometimes goes out to lunch with his ex, and he doesn't tell me about it. I feel this might be a red flag, not necessarily because of the specific situation, but because it shows he is perfectly capable of lying, even if by omission. Please help me gain some perspective. My boyfriend has been doing lunch with his ex at about a once every three months rate ever since we started dating. They had been together, very on and off, for about 6 years. When we started dating, they'd been broken up for a little over a year, and as far as I know not really seeing each other.

A couple of days ago a mutual friend told me she's seen them together at lunch a couple of times - he isn't aware he was seen. She told me about it expecting me to know it already, which I obviously didn't.

I know I need to talk to him about this, obviously, but unfortunately we've been having a very busy couple of days, including a house guest which leaves us with no adequate time for this conversation.

The thing is, I can't turn it off in my head he lied to me. He could have easily told me they were occasionally seeing each other in a friendly way, and then mention it when it happened, as he does everyday with every other person he goes out with, be it male or female.

But in my head right now I can only think that even if this is one of those cases where he just didn't tell me because it's meaningless and he didn't want to bother me with the "ghost of the ex", it still exemplifies he can lie by omission and be perfectly cool with doing that, and I don't know how to deal with it.

Am I over-reacting? Is it weird I'd feel okay about him doing lunch with a girl friend and not necessarily mention it, but I see doing lunch with the ex in a completely different light? And yes, I do know I need to talk to him, but I need to figure this out in my head first.

I feel apprehensive because of the lying, on the one hand, and very hurt it is more important for him to pursue a friendship with his ex than it is to be true and honest with me on the other. At the same time, I'm not sure if I'm being overly dramatic. Maybe the not telling me falls under the "little white lie" department... Maybe he doesn't feel omitting is lying. I'm just confused. Please help.

Is this going to fix itself, or what?

molybdenumblue — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 17:08:48 -0800

Help me understand/encourage my seemingly unambitious boyfriend. Boy and I have been together for two years now. We are both in our mid-twenties. We have a very happy, mutually supportive relationship; I have helped him through some very difficult times in the past, and he is now helping me with living expenses while I complete a second bachelor's degree. We communicate well, and I think he is a good person with a fine brain.

He has his high school diploma (worth noting that his sister and half brother both failed to complete high school) and attended a couple semesters of junior college before he failed out because he stopped going to classes (this was when he was 19 or so). His life went off the rails for a while after that when he developed a chronic health condition and experienced economic hardship, but he now has a job in a distribution warehouse with a reasonable living wage and good benefits.

I have encouraged him to look into going back to school, but he seems very hesitant. I went with him to our local community college (where I've had good experiences myself) and walked him through the process of applying, financial aid, etc. I suggested he register for just one or two classes at first to build confidence, and offered my academic help (I work part-time as a tutor at the college level). The expenses are very affordable, he would be able to continue working full-time, and his employer even offers tuition reimbursement.

He still hasn't taken any action on it, though. He admits that he feels anxious and worries about letting me down. I have very little doubt that he would be successful, but I don't want to push him into it before he is emotionally ready. On the other hand, he tends to take a long time to get moving on things even when he wants to do them. This isn't a deal breaker for me, but I think some higher education would be good for Boy both economically and intellectually, and I find it hard to accept that manual labor and video games are his self-actualization. He says he wants more, but doesn't seem to have a clear plan or feel any urgency about making it happen.

Can you identify with him? Did you move on, and if so, what made it happen? Should I push, encourage, chill out and back off? Should I just accept that this is him? What would your advice be to him? To me?

My Boyfriend Wants To Be Just Friends

xopaigexo — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 05:34:14 -0800

My Boyfriend Wants To Be Just Friends? Tonight, my boyfriend of 7 months told me he feels our relationship going back to more of a "friendship" ( we were really good friends for a long time before going out ). It was in a text message, which i didnt get until now because i was sleeping, so i havent talked to him yet. The last few weeks, he was affecionate (kissing, cuddling) as always but not anything like making out or higher, which we had oppurtunity to i suppose but didn't, which usually wouldnt be the case. I felt like we didnt spend enough alone time together with just me and him but i dont want to be quick to blame it on that. He said he wants to be good friends, like me and my best friend aaron, who is like a brother to me and he knows that. Me and aaron are together all the time, talk all the time, so i suppose thats what he wants? He also says he misses being single. And that he doesnt want to hurt me and that that is the last thing he wants to do. I know he still cares about me and wants me to be in his life but im confused on something. Im not sure if he only feels feelings of friendship toward me OR if it was just the relationship getting too close to being a friendship and he needs some space from the actual relationship to figure out what he wants. I know i havent talked to him yet, but i need some insight and advice to what is going on. And i also need help with what to do at school when i usually see him, because im not ready to be jumping into being his "best friend", like we were long before. I have him in my history class, we sit next to each other. Please help me. He is my best friend/ boyfriend/ lover/ all bundled into one and he means alot to me. I dont want to lose him. ive noticed that the past couple days at school hes been hugging me very closely, kissing me more than usual when saying goodbye before each class

Gifts of an "Adult" Nature

Diagonalize — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 14:40:26 -0800

What kind of stuff does a 20-something "grown-up" not know he needs/wants? No surprise, my boyfriend's birthday is coming up. He's turning 27, and his parents have been needling him to add things to his wishlist. Gifts are a big deal in his family, and the Amazon wishlist has been a crucial part of that for years. In the past, his list was populated almost exclusively by video games and the occasional movie, but lately, he's been trying to move towards a more grown-up selection. Well, that's super, but when he sits down to try to add "grown-up" stuff to his wishlist, he gets this panicked, "deer in the headlights" expression. I know there are plenty of things he likes/wants, but he has no idea where to start.

Him: scruffy, quiet, socially-capable, 27-ish, physicist

Likes: adventure/RPG video games, reading political and science blogs, puzzles (a la MIT Mystery Hunt), food (eating, not cooking), and Philip Seymour Hoffman films

Dislikes: mushrooms, Will Ferrell movies

Mostly clueless about: fashion, cars, power tools, professional sports, fine wine/booze, and any music other than classical or showtunes

Clearly, he's not a guy's guy, and I've had little luck finding a "manly, but not too manly" guide that wasn't just all gadgets. We'd love to point his family in the right direction, but with the lone exception of an iPhone, his wishlist looks about the same as when he was 14 (video games and Star Trek). He doesn't want to be viewed as the eternal teenager, so what do you want/need when you're "all growed up"?

Ugh. Weddings. Never a fun one.

Anonymous — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 06:45:17 -0800

Boyfriend invited to his best friend's wedding, and, well... drama. My boyfriend's best friend is set to be married in three weeks. When the wedding was announced several months ago he mentioned it to me without naming a specific date, and I said 'I don't think I'm free in the middle of September'. Turns out I am away the week before the wedding instead, and updated my calendar in our flat accordingly.

The boyfriend assumed I wasn't coming and without my knowledge invited his ex-girlfriend (who would have been flying in from Japan to attend) instead. An invitation arrived for him last week, he opened it and then stuck it away somewhere, and I finally got round to asking about it this morning.

Since he got the invite, his ex has changed her mind about going. I don't have any reason to think he wants to get back with her, but rather the engaged couple are also good friends of hers, and so are many of the other guests. He probably though he was 1) being nice by asking her, 2) getting out of an awkward situation by presuming I was away and thus never having to mention she'd be there, and 3) completely mystified why I'm angry.

For my side, I'm 1) angry he didn't check the dates after the first time he asked, especially as my calendar is next to the refrigerator, 2) mystified that he would ask his ex without even mentioning it to me, and 3) offended that he doesn't think I could be in the same room with her, or her friends.

We had an argument this morning, but I had to be at work early so no resolution was reached. I don't want this to be the hill I die on, but really, I don't know what to say. He's usually considerate, but prone to making decisions without communicating his thought process with other people. I want to get him to see that this needs to change, rather than give him the impression that he should start to hide more things for fear of upsetting me.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, Why can't I think of something to give to you?

KateHasQuestions — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 12:51:43 -0800

Need a cute "yay I'm glad we've been dating for 6 months!" gift or card idea. Been dating a guy for 6 months, it's totally casual, but he's sweet and fun and appreciates thoughtful things, so I'd like to make him or get him a card or something for < $10 just to say "I'm glad we're dating and you're a lot of fun." For example, back in March I made him a "happy steak + blowjob day" card and he LOVED it. I'd like something just as lighthearted and flirty (or dirty, that's totally OK too!), and preferably something that can be left in his mailbox (don't worry it won't be creepy, we've done stuff like that before), or I was thinking something that looks like a parking ticket to put on his windshield.

Any suggestions?

He's into rock climbing and biking. But it doesn't have to be about that at all.

Thanks!

OK for him to make female friends at the bar?

lalalove — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 12:27:02 -0800

Is it appropriate for a guy in a serious, committed relationship to meet and befriend a group of random people (male and female) while out at the bar, exchange phone numbers with one particular woman, and then make plans to meet up alone for drinks with her at some later time? I've seen some similar questions about girlfriends trying to control their boyfriends' communication with other women, and the general response has been "she's nuts, dump her". But I feel this situation is a little different, and wanted to get some opinions. Thank you in advance!

My boyfriend and I are currently in a long-distance relationship (ending in two months -- the long-distance part, I mean). Our relationship is wonderful. But there have been some trust issues along the line, not because either of us has actually done anything questionable in the current relationship, but rather because we were friends for years beforehand and during that time I pretty much had a front-row seat to him being a very sketchy boyfriend to his last girlfriend (there were some extentuating circumstances and complications...but still pretty sketchy). I was sort of wary about dating him to begin with, but it really seemed like he'd changed & was serious about me and our relationship. And, like I said, he hasn't done anything really questionable since we've been dating. Anyway, I'm totally head-over-heels in love with him, and I get the impression he feels the same way.

A couple weekends ago he went out to a bar with some mutual friends and got really, really drunk. He and his friends started talking to a group at another table. When his friends left, he stuck around with the random people they'd met (guys and girls). I'm not sure of the exact details, but I gather that they stayed at the bar till close, then sat around on a stoop outside until about 5am, and then he and this one girl walked part of the way home together because they lived in the same direction. At some point, they exchanged phone numbers.

When I talked to my boyfriend the next day, he told me he'd had a crazy night and ended up staying at the bar with random people. He said he was happy to have met some people who live in his neighbourhood, because his other friends don't. Then a week or so later, he mentioned that he'd been texting back and forth with this girl "Katie", and that they'd been talking about meeting up for a drink that evening (it was a Sunday), but it didn't work out in the end. About a week after that, I was visiting him in his city. We were out with some friends when he got a text from Katie (at about 1am) asking him to come meet up with her.

I thought about the situation for awhile and realized that it made me really uncomfortable. I have no problem with my boyfriend maintaining female friendships, whether old ones or new. My boyfriend is extremely sociable and he gets along very well with women. Several of his close friends are women he's been sexually involved with in the past, but I trust that they're platonic now and I'm okay with him hanging out with them, even drinking with them one-on-one. I trust that he loves me and wants to be with me, and wouldn't do anything to mess that up. But I feel like there's a difference between having friends who are girls, and getting some random girl's number when you're hammered at a bar at 5am. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Anyway, we talked about it and I explained how I felt....that I didn't think it was really respectful of me or of our relationship to be meeting new girls that way; and that even if he meant it totally innocently, it probably didn't come across that way to the girl because guys in serious and committed relationships generally don't act like that. And the thing is, he totally saw it my way and agreed that he might have crossed the line. He said he hated that he'd made me uncomfortable, and that even though he knew it wasn't actually inappropriate (as in, nothing happened or would have happened), he could see how it looked sketchy.

The thing is, I never really thought he had cheated or would cheat on me. I was more concerned with how it "looked". Obviously his actual intentions are most important to me, but I also think the way you present your relationship to the world is important. And hanging out with a random girl until 5 in the morning, and then making one-on-one plans with her....even if it actually was totally innocent, that just seems really fundamentally inappropriate to me. But then I think....well, why shouldn't he make a friend who happens to be a girl? Why should it matter that he met her at a bar instead of at his job, for example, or through another friend? I know that he wasn't actually trying to pick her up or sleep with her...so why does it seem so wrong to me? But it does.

Technically the situation's resolved, but I can't get over this feeling that I might have been in the wrong for imposing my fears and insecurities on him. I don't want him to feel restricted by our relationship, but I also feel the need to be clear about what I'm comfortable with, and to set appropriate boundaries. What do people think?