Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with boyfriend

Should I feel hurt that my boyfriend may be going on a trip without me?

femmefatale123 — Sun, 12 May 2013 21:47:39 -0800

I want to ask him if he's going but don't want to seem pushy about it. We have been dating for almost a year and a half, with a 3-month break last year. We are both adults, and he's about 20 years my senior.

Last year, after we had been dating for six months, he told me in June that he was going to Colorado to a jazz festival in August on a Thurday through Monday. His younger brother has a second home there. He said his brother is kind of aloof, and something to the idea that if he had invited him, the invitation was just for him. I'll admit that it stung, but I also kind of thought, "Well, we've only been dating for six months." In July, before he went, we split--for other reasons. We ended up getting back together in November.

He's very good to me in many ways. He takes me to nice places and always pays. We spend every weekend together, from Friday evening until Sunday, usually mid-afternoon, when he goes in to his law office to do some work and get ready for Monday. I have met his parents, with whom I seem to share a good bond, his sister, and his three adult children, who seem to like me as well. I have had dinner with all of them many times. And recently, I met the "aloof" brother, who was nice to me also, and had dinner with the whole family.

However, my boyfriend highly compartmentalizes his life. He says that's the way he gets through life. I have a feeling he is planning to go to the jazz festival again this year but hasn't said anything to me.

I don't want to be attached at the hip and do not feel like we must do everything together, but we both love to travel and both love jazz. I guess I'll be more hurt this time around, versus last year, because I feel like this time around, we are in a pretty committed relationship, and if I'm important to him, he would want me to go with him on the trip to share that experience with him, and he would be willing to express that desire to his brother. I guess it makes me question his level of commitment to the relationship and where it may or may not be going.

(By the way, my understanding is that it's not just a "guy" trip. His brother is married, and I think his wife may go. I know that my boyfriend's daughter has been before.)

How to bring up attitude and exes without causing another argument?

Anonymous — Tue, 16 Apr 2013 06:30:09 -0800

The boyfriend will take things I say in totally the wrong way, how do I explain this to him without starting another argument? And he compares me to his ex when doing this stuff...long-winded details inside. I've been seeing my boyfriend for quite a while now, and we have a great, loving relationship. However, lately he has taken things I've said to him in the wrong fashion.
For example the most recent issue: I was on the phone, trying to tell him something somewhat funny and very minor about work (we work for the same company) and at one point he asked me a question/clarification about something I'd said. I began to explain and he suddenly started yelling at me and telling me "I'm not fucking stupid, I know what you're saying. What I'M SAYING IS [proceeds to explain his statement via yelling]...*insert me asking him to please not curse or yell at me*...I wasn't trying to cuss and yell at you, I was explaining my point and couldn't get it done because you keep talking over me! I had this happen in my last goddamn relationship and I'll be damned if it happens in this one!"
I wasn't raising my voice towards him, I wasn't using a condescending tone towards him, I wasn't even trying to talk over him. I had no idea he felt like I was talking over him...to be honest, there wasn't but one point in the conversation that I interrupted him and I apologized and told him to go on. This wasn't anything that should have resulted in an argument, there was nothing there I was trying to argue...I was simply telling him something kind of funny that had happened on my shift and giving him a head's up in case he encountered the same problem.
Similar things have happened a few times in the past month or two. It's very unlike him. My previous relationship was one where I was berated constantly because I was very negative about life...which, after many doctor visits, ended up being because of hormonal imbalances and major depression to boot. I have all of that fixed, and I feel wonderful. I make a point to make sure I'm not negative towards my boyfriend, and that I don't use a condescending or otherwise negative tone towards him...

At the beginning of our relationship, he told me a lot about his ex...namely, he was verbally abused by her. I've been in one of those relationships, and I understood completely. He was also used, cheated on, had the police called on him for made-up 'domestic violence' situations, and a host of other things. This woman has repeatedly stalked and harassed him until recent months when he finally got the message through to her by threatening police/legal interference if it didn't stop.
I've been told several times during these recent and ridiculous non-issue arguments that "I was done this way by [insert ex's name] and you won't do that to me!" or "She did that to me and I'll be damned if you do me that way!" and so on.

I understand that we all probably compare a new relationship to the last one we had...I certainly did at the beginning of this one, and he admitted he was doing so as well. He even stated once, "You'll have to give me a little bit of time with some things...I'm not used to being treated this way/having this done/not having to argue about this/etc." We both have laughed at how unbelievably opposite he is to my ex, and I to his. We really do have a great relationship, and have had up until these few spats started.

How do I bring up the fact that how he is talking to me hurts me? And how do I bring up the fact that comparing me to his ex during these problems is making things worse? I don't want to irritate him further by bringing this up, but at the same time I feel like he has taken things completely the wrong way on these few occasions...is there a tactful way to explain all that without starting yet another senseless argument? Or how do I ask him if there is something bothering him or something wrong that is causing this stuff to happen? I'm worried about him...it's a very sudden and random change and I don't know if there is something wrong, something I did, or something else going on outside of our relationship that is causing all of this to happen. I'd just like to sit down one day and explain all this to him...but I'm not sure how to go about it without causing further issues.
Any input is appreciated. Anon for obvious reasons. Sorry for the lengthy post...just wanted to make sure I covered everything.

Reasonable or unreasonable not to want my roommate to move in her SO?

Stauf — Sun, 07 Apr 2013 08:01:15 -0800

I recently had three all new roommates move into a four bedroom apartment as subletters in February. Knowing one would be moving out near the end of May, I started looking for a new roommate when one of the other roommates suggested moving her boyfriend into the fourth room. I'm a little wary of this arrangement, but I want to consider, though, before giving my answer whether or not others would consider it unreasonable to not want to live with a couple. I don't have any issues with the boyfriend specifically; I actually don't know him all that well (they've been dating since she moved out of her old boyfriend's place a couple months ago). I'm more wary of the way the dynamics in the apartment may change when two of the roommates are in a relationship. I also feel like it could create more room for awkward situations/drama (fights/breakups/etc.). Things have been very chill and going great since the new roommates moved in, and I'm just worried about complicating that. Would it be reasonable or unreasonable for me to tell her I'm not comfortable with the idea?

Break up with a man I'm not very attracted to? Feeling crappy.

AlmondEyes — Mon, 01 Apr 2013 09:58:18 -0800

I have been dating a man for just over a month that I met online. He is 41 and I am 33. He is simply lovely: kind, attentive, complimentary, generous, funny, smart, gainfully employed, family oriented and wants children, likes me a lot, socially/environmentally conscientious, cooks well, nice sense of style, has friends, etc. And, I'm not very physically attracted to him. I am 5'2" and his profile says he is 5'7" but I think he exaggerated ~two inches and has a slight frame. He is very fit, but the cave woman in me seeks a more commanding physical partner. There are other things about his physicality and bedside manner that don't "do it" for me, either, but the main thing is that I just prefer bigger men. I was skeptical of his appearance/height when I decided to meet him, but hoped that attraction would grow if he were the right match for me (I have experienced this before with former BFs). I was drawn in for a month because he is so great in so many ways, but fundamentally the physical attraction is not growing. I lament the possibility of breaking up with him because it'd be a loss for me and I don't look forward to hurting him. The first time I laid my hands on him, my instinct was "no." The last time we were physically intimate, I experienced some aversion. We've fooled around a handful of times in total. I am getting aroused with him, but it feels driven by arousal and not attraction, and the last time it felt very efforted.

Grasping at straws today in anticipation of our date tonight. Intellectually, I would like to date him a little while longer, but I was out of town this weekend and made myself sick over it...loss of appetite, reasonably depressed, spiraling/circular thoughts. Do I listen to my body or my brain here? In the past when I felt this confused and uneasy, I have broken it off with the man I am dating and generally don't look back. This guy is such a catch, however. I fear letting him go too early (maybe things will shift in the next month?), but want so much to be honorable/respectful towards him and - the longer we date - the more specific of an explanation I'll feel obligated to give him. Alternative to breaking up or staying together is to tell him I'm having doubts...or is that just a death knell?

A sidebar: why do I feel this crappy? I'd like to be more capable of dating, independently evaluating the guy, and deciding more quickly and instinctively with less fear that I'm making the wrong decision and going to devastate and blindside the guy. A couple of years ago I was in a very drawn-out break-up where I worked myself into a deep, dark rabbit hole. I have integrated some of the lessons I learned from that in more recent dating situations, but would still like to feel more resilient and skilled in these situations. I have dated a lot of men and the trauma of dumping and being dumped is really wearing at me. I am somewhat panicked about meeting someone (period) and in time to have biological kids.

Thanks in advance for any insight.

What was this strange thing that happened to my boyfriend?

alysonagain — Sat, 30 Mar 2013 22:22:34 -0800

Two weekends ago, something REALLY weird happened to my boyfriend and I'm still struggling to try and figure out what it was. A hallucination? A psychotic episode? Some background: he and I have been together almost a year, in our mid-twenties, both professionals recently out of grad school and in our first "grown-up" jobs. Both of us consider this a serious relationship and see it leading to marriage, perhaps in the next 2 years or so. We communicate really well on an everyday basis but we do have fights occasionally, mainly when one or both of us is sleep-deprived and/or stressed about work or something else, and we have talked a lot about it and are both working on conflict resolution skills, and I think it's been getting a lot better.

From the very beginning of our relationship, he has been extremely open and honest with me about his past. He grew up the middle child of a rather dysfunctional family and went through a very rebellious phase in high school and college, including using drugs. (He grew up a lot during grad school and stopped using all drugs about a year before we met.) During college, he went through a really bad stage of depression after a long-term girlfriend cheated on him and broke up with him. He attempted suicide during this phase of his life. I don't know the details; I've never pressed him about it. I know that he was admitted to a psychiatric hospital after this happened, I presume for just a few days since I don't think he ever had to take time off school for it. He was on antidepressants for a while but no longer takes them. Like I said before, he has always been 100% honest and open with me about all of this. It made me uncomfortable, of course -- no one likes to hear that their boyfriend has tried to kill himself before over an ex-girlfriend -- but he's promised me over and over again that this is a completely different phase of his life and he has grown up a lot since then, and he would never even dream of doing such a thing now. I believe him. There are times where he does show mild signs of depression, but overall he's a generally happy person and I have never been concerned about him until now.

Two weekends ago, we went out for St. Patrick's day with a female friend of ours (she's actually the girl who introduced us to each other). We came home to my house around 1:30 am. He was in a bad mood, because at around midnight I had wanted to go home and go to sleep and he wanted to go out to another bar for a couple hours. We had compromised and decided to go to the new bar for an hour and then come home. I could tell he was in a bad mood and had been holding it all in because our friend was around and he wanted to put on a good face while she was there. As soon as she left, we started to fight. Both of us had been drinking a little bit, but were not drunk by any means. (If anything, I was more tipsy than he was.) He started accusing me of not having a good time while we were out, because I wasn't dancing as much to the live music as he was, and because I had wanted to go home. It was a really dumb reason to be picking at me, but somehow it turned into a full-blown fight with both of us getting defensive and me crying. He was really upset -- I really think the whole night he had been annoyed at me because I wasn't acting like I was having a good time (when I actually was having a good time, I just don't get as into live music as he does -- we enjoy things in different ways.)

So we were sitting on my kitchen floor, I was crying, and he started crying. He suddenly looked at me with this really scared look on his face. I honestly thought he was about to break up with me -- I was really confused, and kind of scared. I had never seen him look like this before. He got really quiet for a long time and just had this odd look on his face but it looked scared. I calmed down and held his hand and asked him what was wrong. He didn't even acknowledge me. I kept trying to talk to him but it was like he didn't know I was even there. This went on for maybe 2 minutes or so. Then he got up and speed-walked out of the kitchen really quickly. I wondered if he was about to get sick or something, so I checked in the bathroom, but he wasn't in there. I found him lying in the bed, sobbing. I was really freaked out. I tried to talk to him, but he was doing the same thing where he didn't even acknowledge that I was there. This went on for another couple of minutes. I held him and told him it was going to be okay -- I didn't really know what else to do.

Then he suddenly jumped, like he was startled. He looked at me with a really confused look on his face. He said my name over and over like he didn't know why I would be there . He asked me where he was. I told him -- "you're in my house, you're in bed, I'm here with you, it's going to be okay." He then burst into tears and asked me "am I really here? are you real? Where's Anderson?" I had no idea who Anderson was... and this was starting to really scare me for real. After a few minutes he told me what he thought had happened. He couldn't really remember anything for the past 30 minutes or so. He did remember that we were in the kitchen and that we were fighting -- but he had no idea what we were fighting about. He just had a hazy memory of being upset. And then -- this is the part that gives me chills just typing it -- he walked over and picked up a kitchen knife and killed himself with it. That's why he was so confused when he "woke up" and was in bed and I was there with him.

He told me something similar to this has happened twice before. Both of these times were a very, very long time ago when he was struggling with bad depression and self-harming. At least one of those times, someone named Anderson was there with him and was the one who stopped him from actually hurting himself.

Since then, everything has been normal. We've both had a very stressful month at work, so we've bickered more these past several weeks than we usually do, but nothing like that has happened again. But I'm worried about him. He swears up and down that he doesn't have suicidal thoughts anymore, and hasn't in a long time, and that I make him happier than anyone else has ever made him. I believe him -- I think. I'm just scared because it seems like fighting with me brought out some terrible dark side of him. I don't even know what to call it. A hallucination? Temporary amnesia? Both? I'm a physician, so I have a pretty good understanding of basic psychiatric disorders but this doesn't seem like anything I've read about or heard about. I'm thinking that it was most likely some sort of transient thing brought on by severe stress. Has anyone ever experienced anything like this before? Should I be really worried?

Help me figure out what to do about my depressed boyfriend please

opalshards — Wed, 27 Mar 2013 16:04:29 -0800

My once caring, kind, thoughtful bf of six months has fallen into a deep depressive state a month ago and has ceased most contacts with me three weeks ago- the exception being a phone call for my birthday- without outwardly breaking up with me; should I stay, should I go, should I wait and give him space, or wait and try and contact him myself? Do we have a future together according to you? Any thoughts/input is welcome, thank you very much! We had a good, stable relationship prior to this depressive episode, apparently sparked by his unability to choose a Uni major; never a fight, never went a day without talking to each other. FF to the end of February and he falls into this state of apathy, isolation, numbness, pushing everyone {me, his friends before me} away. He's sought help and has been on Prozac+Xanax for three weeks now, plus therapy weekly {though he seems unsatisfied with his therapist}. I read about depression and tried my best, reassured him, tried to ease his guilt over hurting me stating I'm fine, telling him to give treatments time to kick in, that I care for him regardless and that I'm a phone call away if he ever needs me. In our last phonecall before my bday, he talked as though everything in his life was an anxiety inducing burden- even meeting me, how he cared too much about other people and not himself, how the idea of thinking of somebody before you {in a relationship too} was good in theory but not in practise and how that was why he had not had a relationship in a good while before me. {Notice that he was the one who wanted us to be together after just three dates, I never pushed in that direction} He also said he needed to change everything in his life, find his old patterns again {which he had while we were together too}. I asked him if he intended to break up with me, he replied in a somewhat annoyed voice that was not it and then had to go to call his doctor. Said he'd have called me back but did not {which I had predicted}- and he also said, generally speaking, that he'd have been the one to contact me in the future {after I offered to call in the evenings- we used to hear from each other twice a day}, to rest assured and not worry.

FF 10 days, on my bday he calls and we have a 45 mins talk: he sounded a bit better, he'd been sleeping slightly better, even if he was far from having as regular a schedule as before. He'd picked up a call from a friend to briefly explain her the situation in the meantime, but has otherwise not seen any of them in months. The family has been trying to get him out of the house every once in a while, going grocery shopping with the father etc. He's wished me a happy bday, asked me questions about me and my life, seemed interested in me. I stated that I haven't called him because I didn't want to impose my presence on him, not because I hadn't been thinking about him- I invited him to hang out with me and some friends at a local pub later that night- obviously he declined, using his not having shaved in a month as an excuse. I reminded him I care for him and that I'm always here if he wants to talk or hang out, he first said he knew that, then second guessed himself and said that no, actually he didn't know, and I said that if he didn't before, now he did. It was clear he didn't really know how to end the conversation, so I told him I was happy that he remembered my bday and that he called {"of course I remembered, I've been thinking about it for a few days" was the reply} and that we'd hear from each other in the next few days- to which he relievedly agreed. I asked who was going to call who, just so I knew, and he replied again that he'd have been the one to contact me.

Now I have conflicting emotions: one side of me says I should give him space, let him be, knowing I can't do anything to help now and that I have to respect his wishes. The other states that it's the illness that makes him push those he cares for away and that isolating himself will do no good in the long run- it's depression talking, not him. But is it? As time goes on, I have more and more doubts. I don't know whether this being cut out is really just depression or if he can do it so easily because he didn't care all that much to begin with; and even if it IS depression, I don't know how he's doing, since I have no contact, I can't tell if he's improving, how fast, when he will be at least semi-healed, and if he'll still want me then. I'm afraid of waiting and hurting over something that for him is over and will not be redemeed once he's better- I worry for him, but I also worry for me. I may be selfish, but I need my needs to be met, I need to be in a relationship with a partner who's equal to me, I need to sometimes vent my pain and bad days too- I can't walk on eggshells, pretending to be always happy and cheerful in fear of bringing him down. I also fear that, even if we overcome this, it will happen again and again too- I know relapses are common and I wouldn't want to go through this process all over again. I've been trying to stay strong, but I am in pain and missing him and us and I feel confused and at times consumed by this- some days it's gotten really hard to find any motivation to do anything but watching tv series and reading up on the illness. Needless to say, my productivity is going down quickly- lately I've been trying to tell myself I need to snap out of it and be strong for me and for him,but it's hard still. I care for him, I wanted us to stay together long term, but...is this worth it? Do we have a legitimate shot at gaining a stable, fulfilling relationship again?

Dirty talk... not so much

Anonymous — Fri, 22 Mar 2013 06:29:54 -0800

My new partner's dirty talk seems ripped from porn. How do I handle this? I'm seeing a new gentleman, and he's 8 years younger than I am. (I'm a lady in my 30s.) When we've had make-out time together, he's said things that I think are *meant* to be sexy, but to me sound ripped from bad pornography. I can't take it seriously, and it also makes me a bit uncomfortable. How can I curb these sexytime moves that seem straight from pornography? What should I say that will be clear but not hurtful? We haven't done the deed yet, and I would like to pre-empt further porn-inspired moves, verbal or otherwise. He's a sweet guy, and I don't want to hurt his feelings. I just want our intimate time to feel authentic and genuine.

LDR or not?

Trinergy — Wed, 13 Mar 2013 00:17:53 -0800

5yr relationship relationship about to embark on potential 2 years or longer LDR Hello all,

I will try to keep this concise.

Let me keep this short and simple. I've basically been seeing this girl since high school and we had dated for 4 years before our initial break-up over a long-distance relationship when she was doing an exchange program. When she came back, the spark was still there and we decided to give it another shot. We are both 22 years old and still have undecided futures. All I know is that I am going to be backpacking right now for 3 months in Southeast Asia and then potentially going for another 2 years to teach English in Japan while she will be doing her masters in Canada at that time as well.

We will now be together for 5 years and are at the start of our LDR. I am just afraid of it not working out again because we don't seem to have a definite tangible end-point to where this LDR stops. But because of the previous break-up and reunion, she is really determined to make it work and seems to be set to want to marry me.

I just don't really know how to gauge all of this because we are still young and at a point in our lives where we can't really be sure of where we'll be. Furthermore, I feel like we have a really strong connection, but I also feel like she has a lot of personal maturation to do in terms of managing her own emotions. She's not necessarily bipolar but goes through emotional rollercoasters. I had always been there for her and we always got along and rarely fought in spite of it, they were just personal issues that I sometimes needed to coach her through. Now I am just afraid of the steps we will be taking and would love to have some opinions about this.

I basically can't decide because on one side I feel like I've never really connected with someone at this level, but on the other side I feel like we both haven't matured to a point where we can really say what we want. I feel like in order for me to be 100% about an LDR, i need to basically feel like there's a tangible ending and also for me to be sure that this person's the one. But as of now it's all quite ambiguous so I'm not too sure of what steps to take. I feel like we've known each other for so long that we're practically a part of each other and even if we break up we'd still remain really good friends.

Help. LOL

Is my boyfriend ashamed of me? Why won't he post any pics of me on fb?

Anonymous — Wed, 06 Mar 2013 06:15:28 -0800

Today I deleted all the pictures (20 or so) that I had of my boyfriend on my facebook. Please tell me whether or not I am justified or if you would've done the same. My boyfriend of a couple of months has never posted any pictures of me on his fb. At first, I thought - well, maybe he's just the kind of guy who doesn't post a lot of pictures or goes on fb much. Except, he just posted 42 pictures of him and (mostly his cousin) who has come to recently visit him in our city. Many of them were taken at an event that I was at - apparently he took some pics of him while I was in the bathroom. Also, it's not like he lacks pictures of me - he takes many of them and has all of them on his phone. Sometimes he will text me a pic of us. I once asked why he was even bothering to take a pic of me and he was like, don't worry I'll photobomb you soon. Well, I decided to finally look through his pictures today and noticed that his ex-girlfriend from 2011 has made many appearances in his photo albums. They were only together for a few months (dating) and he said they never even explicitly had the talk about being a couple. Yet, there she is, all over his facebook.

He would have NO reason to be ashamed of me. I take very good care of myself: I'm thin, long hair, great skin, pretty face and he tells me I am pretty all the time. His friends also stare at me all the time whenever I go out with them because I take pride in dressing up and looking my best (doing my makeup, always wearing heels). The only thing I can think of is that I am black and he is White (european) but before I removed the pics of him I had him tagged which means our pics were showing up on his timeline and he never removed them.

I don't know what to make of this. It's giving me the gut feeling that he is just not all that into me. Even though generally I get the feeling that he is into me more than I am into him. Help me wrap my head around this. I wasn't going to mention it to him at all and see if he would bring anything up. If he does, what should I say? Am I justified in feeling this way and deleting the pictures or am I being Petty? If you think I should bring it up (I tend to try to not sweat the small stuff or make mountains out of molehills) how do you suggest I word things?

Hip to be square. Except not.

Anonymous — Thu, 21 Feb 2013 14:30:52 -0800

How do I deal with my boyfriend's love of marijuana? My boyfriend is great. He's funny, smart, musically talented, a total dreamboat, good in bed, blah blah blah. But he smokes pot.

Not like, all the time. At least, not now. He used to be a daily smoker, and has been arrested for possession multiple times. His therapist urged him to quit, and so he cut back a bit - he only smokes maybe once a month. He's like Gollum when he buys weed for himself, though - he will just constantly smoke it until it's gone. It's all he can think about doing.

Also, when he smokes pot, he's worthless. I know that some people are go-go-go when they smoke weed, and it makes them creative and engaging, but my boyfriend is like a log. He gets high, wants to have sex, falls asleep for 3-4 hours, wakes up, repeat process, maybe with some pie. It's annoying to me, because he'll do it on a weekend, and instead of us doing something fun together, he's laid up in bed sleeping all day.

I am not a drug user in the slightest. He has used lots of drugs in his youth, and so I know a lot of what I feel about his smoking habits are my insecurities that I'm such a square and totally not cool enough. His ex-girlfriends would do drugs with him while they were dating, and I'm not into that, so it makes me feel like I'm not fulfilling him, although he says that he likes my squareness.

Despite my squareness, I have no problem with marijuana at all - I think it should be legal, I know plenty of people who smoke it regularly with no issues. I just don't really like my boyfriend when he's high.

Last night, he told me he was going to buy weed this evening. I made my concerns known, and he said he felt bad that I didn't like it, but that he really wanted to do it, so he was going to anyway. I respect that, but this is the second time this month that he will be doing it, which worries me. He has expressed concern that he would go back to smoking every day, that he's not sure if he can keep up the once-every-month-or-so thing.

He also suffers from depression, which is medicated and under control now, but he has said that smoking pot was the only thing that made him feel better when he was unmedicated, and so I kind of have a soft spot in my heart for that - I hate that I don't like this thing that made him feel like a normal person when he was in such a dark place in his life.

He has put up with me while I've drank to excess at parties and get-togethers, including any vomiting and/or injury, so I get that we're both not fun to be around under the influence. Thinking of the times where he's taken care of me while I've been drunk makes me more likely to not hate on him when he's smoking. Is this just something that I just have to learn to deal with? And if so, how do I do that?

As far as ages go, we're both in our late 20s. We've been together for a little over six months, but the relationship has progressed VERY quickly, which is unlike both of us - we both think that we are pretty much perfect for each other, we live together, we have talked about a future together... except for this issue that I can't get over.

My boyfriend drinks a lot, should I be worried?

Anonymous — Fri, 08 Feb 2013 14:51:31 -0800

My new boyfriend of about a month and a half drinks a freaking lot! We have dated for 8 months and while I was aware he drank, I was never as alarmed as I am now. I don't know if I just didn't notice it before or if it's because we spend so much time in social situations with his other friends now or what. He doesn't get sloppy drunk or get a temper or anything - though he does become a bit thoughtless, but it makes me uncomfortable how he will just throw back the alcohol. His friends encourage him by buying a round and then he'll buy them a round and so the cycle continues all night or they invite him out to specifically get drunk/drink. I do not drink but the occasional sip/glass of red wine probably like twice a year - only at special events. (more inside) Every time we've gone out with his friends he'll have like 5 to 7 beers, which seems like a LOT to me. I try to negatively reinforce his behavior by making it known that I won't sleep with him when he's been drinking (I've been adamant about that because his performance sucks when he is drunk). Besides that I don't know what to do or say to him and don't want to seem like I am trying to change him already. I don't want to come across as puritanical - and obviously this is something that he likes to do with his friends (they are all Irish). What should I do?

Am I wrong for getting a bad feeling about my boyfriend's dating coach?

ponytime — Sat, 02 Feb 2013 09:12:08 -0800

Started dating a great guy, he became my boyfriend probably a month and a half ago. A few weeks into the relationship we were talking and it turns out that he has a "dating coach" and he still meets with her in weekly phone calls because he enjoys her advice. This rubbed the wrong way and googling her, I found she's also totally hot. It just creeps me out that this totally hot woman has so much impact on my boyfriend's life. But my boyfriend pointed out that he also has lots of female friends and maybe he discusses our relationship with them too. To be honest that didn't make me feel any better, especially since I reduced the intimacy of a few male friendships when my boyfriend and I got more serious (I don't go out drinking with them at night alone or have long chats about relationship problems or whatever, though I still see them for sure and have great friendships with them....apparently things my boyfriend is doing with his female friends it turns out after the dating coach conversation). I'm just getting the impression that my boyfriend has a cadre of woman pulling the strings behind our relationship and it's not a positive feeling, but I also don't want to be a jealous creepster or anything like that. So I haven't really said anything about my negative feelings, but they keep nagging on me and I am feeling less attracted to him and stressed about us, which is worrying and unusual so early on in a relationship. I started worrying that maybe I'm the one who is insecure and I have no right to tell him about how to conduct his social life, and maybe I just need to bail and work on my own issues and then find someone who doesn't stress me out in this way :(

My boyfriend's kid is here for a month. Should I be a presence?

euphoria066 — Tue, 22 Jan 2013 16:58:06 -0800

My boyfriend has a kid from his previous marriage, who is now long distance. He'll be coming to stay for a month in a few months, and I'm not sure what to do! (so many snowflake details!) My boyfriend is divorced, his ex-wife had a son, who became his son! His son will be 12. Around the time we started dating his kid and ex-wife moved across the country back to her home.

His son will be coming for a month to stay pretty soon. Boyfriend and I are serious, though I've never met his son because when he moved away I was still new. We don't live together, and we don't see each other every day, but we generally spend the entire weekend together since boyfriend owns a house In The Boonies. His son has never been a part of our relationship, since he was moved away for much of it, and when he was it wasn't a big deal to skip seeing each other for a week out of 3.

But now I feel like we're building a life together, and it's strange that he has a son I've never met. And I'd like to meet him! and we can be.. friends? I like kids and I like my boyfriend and since he raised him I bet he'll be a cool kid, we can play video games and wax nerd about things, me and 12 year old boys get on fine, in general.

but at the same time I feel like Son is coming to visit with Dad, and "Dad" is not a role I'm used to. it would be easy enough for me to back off pretty far for the month he's here, let them be boys together and drop by for a day on the weekend or something, maybe do an outing or something. This is sort of my natural inclination, since I feel like.. I don't know, this isn't a part of his life I really belong in? I would like to be around a little, since I'm important, and he should get to know me, but...

or am I over-thinking this? should I spend weekends there, cook dinners, stay nights, generally act like his Dad's Serious Girlfriend? and that would be more natural? it feels awkward to me, but boyfriend's approximation of how time will go is a little closer to that. but I feel like he has such limited time with him that I would just be in the way of their father/son time.

(a bit of a side note. after BF and XWife got divorced, he had a new girlfriend move in with him about 6 months later after about 3 months of dating. this didn't go too well, she wasn't too nice to Son and was generally uncool. I don't know the full details, but I feel like this is relevant because that is the last experience Son has had with Dad dating, and while I'm totally awesome and will of course be super nice to him, I could understand him having reservations about me being around too much.)

I guess I'm hoping for anecdotes or thoughts! anything would be helpful. I feel relentlessly nervous about meeting his son (such an important person!) but I'm not trying to get out of that, just figure out the parameters of what's acceptable. I just want to make things as smooth and happy and fulfilling as they can be for their short visit.

Texts after midnight in a relationship?

cascando — Sat, 19 Jan 2013 11:22:59 -0800

My boyfriend and I live together. I am wondering, if it is reasonable to request, that he texts when he is out past 3am (More inside) I care about him, and get very worried if I wake up at 4am and he is not home. I am not asking him for an explanation about his whereabouts, just to know where he is and that he is safe.
He does not feel this a reasonable request.
I am wondering if this is a reasonable amount of information to request from him. I just want a brief explanation of where he is and maybe what time he might come home. Is this OK to ask?
thank you for your responses.

Boyfriend? What's a boyfriend?

youdontmakefriendswithsalad — Tue, 15 Jan 2013 14:16:39 -0800

How to introduce boyfriend to son after a divorce. Personal experiences as the girlfriend, boyfriend, or the child? Advice? I'm 43 and have been separated/divorced since April 2011. I started dating someone in September 2011. It started very casual but, more than a year later, is exclusive and serious.

Up until recently, my son didn't know my boyfriend existed because our custody is 50/50 so I only have my son every other weekend and 2 or 3 nights during the week; thus, I confined my dating life to the times my son wasn't around. However, in September 2012, I introduced my boyfriend to my son but not with the label "boyfriend." My son and I often do things with other families (including other single parents) so it wasn't unusual that we'd be going to the movies or to the museum with another father and son (his son is 11). When around the kids, my boyfriend and I act as friends -- not as partners. However, we are serious enough that I would like to hold my boyfriend's hand and give him a kiss on the cheek when we are together. I'd like my son to know that he is, in fact, my boyfriend. I fully intend to be with this man for the foreseeable future but I do not intend to ever re-marry so waiting until we are engaged is not an option. Has anyone had a similar experience either as the one doing the introductions, the one being introduced or the child of a divorce being introduced to a boyfriend or girlfriend? Any suggestions on the best way to do this?

A few other facts. First, there will be no sleepovers even after my boyfriend is introduced as such. That will not happen while my son lives in my house. Second, although my son's dad left us for another woman, that quickly broke up and he has not dated anyone seriously since.

Awesome photographer books for a photographer

ad4pt — Sat, 05 Jan 2013 12:56:52 -0800

Photographers and photography buffs! Please help me find a really cool photography book (or photography-related gift) for my photographer boyfriend. So my boyfriend's birthday is coming up. He's a photographer and I'd like to get him a really, really awesome photography book but I know NOTHING about photography. I don't even know who his favorite photographer is.

I'd like to stay away from getting him another equipment related since I don't know what he has and since I know so little about photography, but feel free to recommend anything you feel might be super awesome.

My budget is around $100.

He mainly photographs nature and inanimate objects. For example one his projects focused on photographing branches of trees that have become intertwined with metal fencing. He's currently working on a project where he goes out into a local area along a river where many homeless people live and has been photographing the foliage/objects he finds/camps people leave behind, etc.
He also recently bought a book where the photographer photographed ordinary looking places and then provided a paragraph explaining that something terrible had happened there (school shootings, murders, etc.). I have no idea who the photographer was.

I know he's not that into portraits.

So based on these things, are there any books that you would recommend? Or are there any photography books (within that price range) that are just awesome to have for any photographer in general?

I'm also willing to provide a link to his portfolio site, but I didn't want to do it here just in case it turned up on google.

Is my boyfriend gay?

Anonymous — Fri, 04 Jan 2013 13:45:47 -0800

Am I being paranoid for worrying that my new boyfriend is gay? Also, is there a delicate way of broaching the topic or should I avoid it altogether? I just started a new relationship with a guy I've known through work for awhile but never got to know closely. Maybe I'm an asshole but when I first met him I thought his speaking style and mannerisms screamed gay. Usually I'll hold off on judgment but in his case the impression was so strong that I didn't even question it at first. Sometimes I get uneasy when I have to work with straight guys because of the sexual tension, and I remember thinking to myself when we were introduced, "good, he's gay, I can relax." Other people I know also thought he was gay at first. So I was surprised a couple of months in to hear him mention an ex girlfriend.

Recently he confessed he'd been harboring a crush on me for awhile, and he asked me out. I was thrilled because I liked him too. He seems very smitten with me -- he tells me constantly that he adores me, calls me beautiful, says he feels so lucky to have me, when we are together he can't keep his hands off me, other people who have seen us together have said, "he is clearly falling in love at break neck speed." He is the one who initiates most of the physical stuff -- he was the first one to kiss me. We are already in a committed relationship even though it's early, something he and I both wanted. I'm totally crazy about him, but I keep having panicky thoughts that I'll discover he's closeted.

Sex seems to make him uncomfortable. After our second official date we wandered back to his place. We started making out and he seemed very into it or so his hard on suggested. But he got uneasy when things moved in the direction of sex. He told me it was a little too soon for him so we both got naked but didn't go further. The next date we were in the same situation. This time he told me he felt torn because he wanted to have sex with me and was horny but it was important to him that it be "real" and "meaningful." He started touching me down there and then took his pants off and put himself inside me. After about a minute he pulled out and said he was too tired to continue. We are going on our fourth date tonight.

Other relevant info. He is 23, had been in a long term serious relationship living with a girlfriend previous to this that ended two years ago (she ended it, he was crushed). He told me he had been celibate since that relationship ended because he was so scarred by the breakup and wouldn't ask girls out even when he felt attracted. He also told me that he doesn't do casual sex. Other things... He is on heavy anti depressants and I know those can disrupt sexual functioning. He is very insecure and afraid of rejection. We live in a very liberal community and his best friend is a lesbian, so it's not like he'd be ostracized by his community if he came out. This is probably stupid but I'll just throw it out there: the other day when we were talking about the movie "Lincoln" he told me he had a "man crush on Daniel Day Lewis."

I know anything's possible but am I being ridiculous for worrying? Are there lots of totally straight guys who come off as stereotypically gay in their manner? Could there be other explanations for his sexual hangups? Any other women have experience dating straight guys who come off as gay to strangers? What about women who were with guys who later came out -- what were some of the warning signs you see in hindsight? Would it be a terrible idea to address my concerns?

FYI I have never mentioned anything about this to him, and he doesn't know I thought he was gay at first. I didn't want to hurt him by mentioning it because I'm sure he gets it all the time.

Is my RL a dead horse or does he deserve this chance?

hungry hippo — Sat, 29 Dec 2012 08:51:00 -0800

Another question about my LTR: how much should I try to give another chance to my potentially EUM partner? I'm at a loss for how to proceed. My relationship has given me more grief than I expected. I guess maybe that's my answer but I'm the sort to want to exhaust all interventions before I give up on a RL. (Maybe I'm a little codependent.) I'm trying to determine whether I'm being too optimistic and this is a dead horse or whether he is really trying and I should cut him some slack while tapping my foot. Emotionally, I have one foot out the door and he senses it.

Previously, my problem has been that he turns back into a bit of an *** after he gets back on my good side (meaning he gets a little complacent or selfish or lazy), until I am exasperated and then he tries again.... and that cycle is a bit toxic so I'd like to just have a RL where he's doing these things without the threat of losing me. I don't know exactly how to make that happen. It's like he can't be bothered unless he's afraid.

We're coming on eight months together. I see him in a group several times a week, and sometimes we get lunch (usually at my suggestion). I told him I feel like there is something wrong with the RL because he only wants us to stay the night together once a week. His response: "I'm very introverted and with X hobby in the week I don't get much time to recharge." I ask if this level of contact issue has come up in other relationships and he says it has. He is introverted, and passive, but I feel like those are excuses.

Combine this with my recent communication about making plans - namely, I don't care if he's passive, if he wants to date me he has to make plans more because I'm not going to carry that burden anymore. Him not making the effort to see me has made me feel bad about myself at times, and made me doubt he has any genuine interest, and I'm the kind of girl who needs regular reassurance built into a relationship (doesn't have to be grand or direct or even verbal but I need consistent proof of being appreciated). I almost feel pathetic because I've had to tell him more than once that I need to see proof that he cares and wants to be dating me. Part of me thinks I should have left a long time ago because of that.

There was a big fight around six months and I lost some of my feelings due to how he reacted to me. I've told him this... thinking he'd fight for me somehow. He tried a little but not nearly what I expected.

So that's all the stuff that puts it in the "why am I still doing this" category. However. He seems to have gotten the message. He's planning things a LOT more, and far more in advance. He's trying to see me more. In the past he'd make an effort to act on feedback but it was kind of formulaic as in "I'm not really feeling this but you want it so here." Kind of a plug and play vibe. This time is different - it seems more genuine like he really gets it. And he's trying to do more to show the world that we have this bond that others can't enter.

I mean, if I cry over something he has done, he ends up crying too. This last time he tried to hide the crying. I'd like to think that means something, for a hyper-masculine person to be like that with me, but idk.

I don't know if I'm being too understanding and lacking in self-respect to even allow him this chance to fix things, or what. I'm confused about the relationship. I (think I) want it IF he can straighten up and treat me the way I deserve to be treated (without prompting from me... I mean is it even possible that he cares for me if I have to remind him that I don't see it consistently wth). I want it if he can show more emotional honesty. I want it if he can somehow behave in ways that will make up for how my feelings changed after that big fight.

I've been very unhappy with it lately but when I'm physically with him I'm usually happy. Or frustrated but he makes me laugh. And since my latest talking to him I'm happy more often. But my friends and family act funny when he comes up in conversation ... probably because they know I haven't been treated well. I just can't bring myself to let it go until I'm absolutely sure he's just totally wrong for me, because our opposites attract stuff does make for good chemistry.

How do you decide when you're done with a relationship? How can I encourage him to behave in a desirable way even if he's not threatened with me walking away? Am I just putting myself through a longer process of hurt by allowing him a chance to fix things?

Another question: to me if you care for someone and they express a problem you try hard to fix it and it's fairly easy to remember their concern. He does try to fix things but it's like if he doesn't see me for a while, when he sees me again he forgot the issue. I've heard from others this is a common "male" thing, and is why women talk about "training" their men to get them reoriented to the desired behavior. So is it true that any initial effort means he cares even if he seems ultimately forgetful? I feel like if he cared he wouldn't forget my love language is different, for example. But he has to get reminded. Am I unrealistic on that stuff?

TL; DR Am I deluding myself in giving this man a chance anymore? Do you have any idea how I could know for sure?

We are at different ends of the emotional spectrum, are we doomed?

JIMSMITH2000 — Mon, 10 Dec 2012 15:00:05 -0800

We are at totally different ends of the emotional spectrum, are we doomed? My girlfriend and I are in our mid 20's, we've been seeing each other for a year and a half, and we're at totally different ends of the emotional spectrum.

I am pragmatic, calm, efficient, fairly quiet and tend to be brutally honest. My girlfriend often complains that I am "emotionally cold". I work in a high pressure competitive job which compounds these traits. I love my girlfriend deeply but have a hard time showing it.

My girlfriend on the other hand is loud, passionate, and hot headed. She loves fiercely and completely.

It has been at times the best relationship I've ever had. We complimented each other, laughed long and hard together and generally had a load of fun. However our relationship is now on a knife edge.

My girlfriend has had a rough year and we can't seem to deal with these problems as a couple. She needs to talk for hours, gather her thoughts, cry, cry some more, worry about it and then work through the problem together. I don't tend to get upset, I'm poor at talking about emotions however I am very good at finding whatever solution there is to the problem at hand.

If your house was flooded I'm the guy you'd call to get your family out of there by any means, someone who'd get you fed, warm and into another house, and sort out all your insurance at the same time. If then you needed to talk about how it upset you I'm useless and you'd need to call my girlfriend.

However my girlfriend is constantly disappointed because I'm not meeting her emotional needs and I'm very frustrated because I feel I'm trying to do the right thing buts its never enough to satisfy her emotionally.

This weekend she said she needed some space and to be alone. I left her alone but she contacted me on Monday to say I should have been concerned about her and at least text her to see if she was ok. This sums up our relationship perfectly. She feels emotionally let down and I feel frustrated by doing what I thought was best.

My questions are:

Is there any hope to this kind of situation?
What steps can we take to try and meet in the emotional middle? Is there much point?
Are there any other couples out there that have similar differences? Do you compliment each other?
Am a destined to marry a cold hearted ice queen?

Example, answers, anecdotes all welcome....

help me motivate myself and my SO

humiliated_grape — Wed, 05 Dec 2012 22:52:23 -0800

how to deal with differing levels of ambition and motivation in a relationship? I've officially been with my SO for about 6 months now. He's 26, smart, talented, attractive, kind-hearted, great in bed, and overall, he makes me feel very special. I always look forward to spending time with him, but recently I've been a little anxious about a few things when thinking about whether or not this relationship really has long-term partnership potential. I realize that this is ultimately a decision that I'll have to make for myself, but I thought I'd open it up to the great wisdom of Ask MeFi and see if anyone could offer any insights. I'm 22, and this is my second relationship, and at this point, I still really want to make it work, if at all possible. (The other one lasted several years.)

1. Sometimes I'm afraid that we're too similar. On the one hand, this means we're very compatible and get along easily... we haven't even had a single fight yet, which is a pleasant change from my last relationship, which was quite volatile. But at the same time, I'm afraid that this doesn't allow for much growth. We tend to reinforce each other's bad habits... and while it's certainly not like I want a constant nag or paternal figure to keep me in line, it seems like it would be nice to have a partner who could help me become a slightly better person in some way.

2. I already have a tendency to be a little lazy, but this is something that I feel a little guilty about and want to improve. I could easily sleep the day away if I didn't have to be anywhere, and I have to force myself to go to the gym and exercise... but I ultimately do it because it makes me feel happier and more productive afterwards. My SO is the same way, except he doesn't feel the slightest bit guilty about it, so he actually encourages me to be less motivated, in a bizarre way. We don't live together right now, but I'm afraid that if we did, I'd be less motivated to accomplish things, simply because he'd always be tempting me to hang out on the couch and watch TV and such instead. Obviously it's up to me to make myself do it anyways, and it's not up to me to change my SO (I'm definitely not that person in a relationship, and I don't want to be), but sometimes we could help each other become more motivated.

3. This ties into a general sort of lack of ambition on his part, which worries me a little. I consider myself to be fairly ambitious, and recent conversations with him have made me realize that he'd be perfectly content to work the same menial job for the rest of his life and augment his free time with video games, TV, weed, and booze. To be fair, he's not a deadbeat. He's very generous and considerate, and he holds a job and participates in another successful creative outlet as well (I don't want to be too specific here, just for the sake of anonymity). But I don't sense much, if any, desire for self-improvement.

4. I've realized that the times I feel the most frustrated with the relationship are when I sort of let him take the reins during our time together... and we end up sleeping way too much and watching tons of TV. I like it when we actually do things together, like cook or play music or hang out with friends, and so forth. Too much TV makes me feel bored and depressed, but I don't know how to tell him this without (a) making him feel like I'm judging him, since this is clearly a major way he likes to spend his time, and... (b) i'm having a hard time thinking of things i could suggest that we do instead.

Ideas? Thoughts? Anyone in a successful relationship with a less ambitious and/or less motivated SO? I don't want to be the type of person who finds fault with everyone I date, and I don't want to underestimate the importance of my SO's many good qualities. I just wish we could get motivated enough to be productive and bring out the best in each other when we spend time together.

Get lost.

Evstar — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 15:55:12 -0800

My sister's boyfriend is older than our father. He is more than twice her age. It (he) makes me uncomfortable and it is driving a wedge between us. I'm not sure how to communicate my feelings about this to her or if I even should. Very shortly after she divorced her husband of 2 years, my sister (27 yrs old) started seeing the president of the organization that employed her who happens to be more than twice her age. They have been together now for at least two years themselves. She no longer works under the man but they are living together. My family wants nothing to do with him. I am her only sibling (25 yrs old) and in the beginning I tried to be supportive of her when she faced the backlash from our parents who are very distraught over the situation. Intellectually, I want to think that age should not be a barrier in a relationship between two consenting adults. Viscerally, this man makes me very uncomfortable and I don't want to share a room with him. It doesn't help that my sister is very petite and is often confused for a teenager.
I have no reason to believe that my sister is being abused. I've had dinner with her and her boyfriend and he is a nice enough guy but I want nothing to do with him. I would like to see more of my sister and develop a better relationship between the two of us, but I feel this man is getting in the way. In a week I will be leaving the country for 4 months. My sister would like me to go over to their place for dinner and drinks tomorrow. What I want to tell her is, "Your boyfriend creeps me out and I don't want to be in the same room as him." What should I tell her really? I really want to get out of this.

Boyfriend gained weight and I don't like it

mariisoul — Tue, 13 Nov 2012 12:42:44 -0800

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year. All things considered, I'm quite happy with him. Problem is, he's gained a ton of weight, more than 50lbs since we've been together. He doesn't look like the person I started dating, and it really upsets me. In his current state I don't find him attractive and I'm really at a loss for what to do. Any advice? I work hard to keep in shape and he just keeps getting bigger and rounder. He acknowledges that his weight is a problem and states he would like to do something about it...but as far as I can tell he isn't actively doing anything. He just keeps saying he is stressed or busy (he's trying to start a business) and gets depressed whenever I bring the subject up.

how do i integrate myself into a brand new friend group?

humiliated_grape — Mon, 05 Nov 2012 22:30:26 -0800

how do i integrate myself into a brand new friend group? so... i have a wonderful new boyfriend, who i've been dating for approximately six months (official for about three)... and with this new boyfriend comes an exciting (and rather large) new friend group. they're the kind of friends who hang out regularly in really large gatherings where everyone knows each other and has known each other for years... and it's a bit overwhelming, particularly for someone like me, who is more of a one-on-one kind of person, and rather quiet and reserved in large groups.

a few special snowflake details that are also causing me some anxiety:
1. my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend (they were together for about a year and a half, and up until a couple of months before we started dating) was apparently a very integral part of this friend circle... like to the point where even after they broke up, she was planning one of his good friends' engagement parties. so i can't help but feel like everyone is comparing me to her, and that they may even still feel some sort of loyalty towards her. i haven't met her, although i think she still hangs out with plenty of the people in the group.
2. as silly as it sounds, i find myself particularly concerned with thoughts that she was probably more social and outgoing than i am... i'm finding it difficult and awkward to just jump into some of the larger group discussions, even though i really like everyone, and they're the kinds of people i would want to be friends with regardless of their association with my boyfriend. i don't want to come across as snobby or unfriendly somehow, just because it takes me a little longer to open up.
3. another factor... and a major one, i think... is that my boyfriend's family is also highly involved in his friend group. they're sort of the "cool" parents who host weekly dinners for everyone, attend some of the social events, buy everyone drinks, etc... so they, too, were quite close to the ex-girlfriend (who was much beloved, from what i can tell, although it's not like anyone flaunts this or mentions it in front of me). it's also taken a little getting used to to be hanging out with all of his friends... over at his parents' house. i actually really like them, but it's sort of been meeting new people overload.

i haven't shared any of these concerns with my boyfriend, and he hasn't said anything to make me feel like i'm doing anything wrong. a month or so before we officially became boyfriend/girlfriend, he did express some concern about the fact that his ex-girlfriend was so close to his parents and all of his friends... this is, i guess, when the seed of worry was first planted in my mind... but after that, he never mentioned it (or her) again.

thoughts? tips? personal anecdotes? reassurance?

I feel trapped from being too different?

Autumn89 — Tue, 30 Oct 2012 13:59:08 -0800

Pretty sure I don't want to get married or have kids. Problem is, almost all my friends are doing so and it's just getting to the point where I am the only one who isn't doing either of those (not a bad thing).Help me not go crazy if I hear one more person say the words 'I'm engaged" or "I'm pregnant". So I'm 23 years old, graduated from college in June, finally becoming an independent contractor very soon in massage therapy. I have never really thought about settling down with someone or anyone at all. I have been in tons of relationships. Mostly where the guys treated me like crap so the relationships didn't last for more than 4-5 months. In my longest relationship, which was a year and four months, the guy I was with told me he wanted to marry me and after I graduate get me pregnant. It was both our mistake for not discussing this a few months into the relationship, but the way I saw it time was going by too fast and we were having way too much fun for this kind of discussion to come up. A year doesn't seem that long to me.

Well I told him I don't think I wanted to do either. He was very upset by this but we continued our relationship. I felt kind of bad, like I was holding back from living his life. I tried to think of ways that maybe we could get married, someone else have our baby, or we could adopt a baby or kid. BUT after awhile even this seemed like something that would very much make me unhappy in the future. I told the guy I was with that I could no longer be with him. It was very painful. But almost a year later he is in a relationship with someone else who seems to want what he wants and that is very good for him.

The reason I think this happened is because around this time (two summers ago) was because most of my friends and his friends have started to get pregnant or give birth. Also a few of them had gotten engaged or married. I feel like he was looking at these factors too much..I feel like a lot of people feel pressured to do this because they think it is what they are supposed to do.

I dated another guy a few months after I broke up with my longest relationship guy and he seemed to have the same views as me, besides marriage. He did say he eventually did want to get married, but not till years from now. I kind of ignored it because we were in a fairly new relationship and still in the getting to know each other stage. He told me he was indifferent to having a baby.Four months into us dating he started to act real distant and just not as affectionate, only when he wanted sex. I could tell that I had been tricked into thinking he was a nice guy but now he thought I would stay with him. The thing that got me to run...not walk, out of the relationship is when he told me he did want /babies/ kids..not an adopted baby or kid, but a baby he created with someone he was in a relationship with. He knew from the beginning that I did not want kids at all. He asked how I could be so sure. I told him that all my friends from high school, my three closest friends, all have babies, and hate it, and I don't feel a tad bit jealous of them. You would think I would be if I wanted to have a baby, but I just feel sorry for them. My friends are in relationships with guys who they have been with for 4+ years.

My current boyfriend and I have been together for almost 7 months. This is my second longest relationship and this is his first. He had been in relationships with women who wanted kids, but he never stayed with them long enough so it was never a problem. I am sooo grateful I have finally found a guy who doesn't want to get married or have kids. He actually has a baby phobia, which is kind of funny. He says maybe he needs to get it fixed, but I tell him I'd rather him have a phobia, then go to counseling and find out he does want one. Lol.

As far as the marriage issue goes with both of us we don't want to get married. We haven't even dropped the words "I love you" on each other. Which is fine by me, because he has been one of the guys who has treated me very very well past the 4 month mark of us being together. I don't really put much thought into those three words anymore. They used to be very important to me, but when I did have a guy say them, they wouldn't show it. This guy I'm with, he is funny, he's understanding, he has opened my eyes to lots of different interests in life. It makes me realize that having a baby would ruin this. Only for a few years, but still. The thought of becoming 50's heavier, taking care of a baby for a few years while I stay at home doesn't seem like fun to me. I thought of every possible situation in which maybe I could get over having one one day. But something always come up and I realize I would be very unhappy with having one.

My question is why do I feel this way? I'm not looking to change I just want an answer. I sometimes feel very awkward around my friends babies or toddlers, but it mostly wears off, BUT at the end of the day I am so glad the kid is not coming home with me, lol. I have fun with some of them, but when they start screaming and crying, that's where I don't want to have anything to do with them. People have said "You'll change your mind" or "You never know what love is until you have a baby" Oh geez! That is VERY insulting.

Does anyone else feel this way. Did anyone else go through these feeling but despite their feelings go along and have a baby? And if so, are they truly happy with their life? If they didn't have a baby ever I'd like to hear those responses too. Do you feel like something is missing from your life? Like I said I'm NOT looking to change my mind. I just am stuck in a place where I am the only one not doing either of these things and it's beginning to become uncomfortable defending myself when people ask "when are you guys going to get married?" or "When are you popping one out?" Also would like to hear about people who maybe never got married. :)

From what I told my parents, they tell me I am very smart for thinking this way, but then again..they are divorced :P

How to get over insecurity about boyfriend's divorce?

lastcall17 — Sun, 28 Oct 2012 09:03:40 -0800

What can I do to stop insecurity from boyfriend's from seeing into our relationship? The divorce isn't final, and it's placing a strain on our relationship. I'm afraid that my anger/confusion/fear may sabotage the relationship. I have been friends with my boyfriend for awhile now. When we first met, he was going through a separation but he and his ex got back together. They stayed together for a few months and eventually decided to divorce. There are no kids in the marriage. His ex now lives in another state a 2 1/2-3 days drive away. I am supposed to have dinner at his mother's in the following week, and I have also met his sister and we (sister and I) are attempting to form some sort of relationship (not a close one, but getting on friendlier terms). We spend a majority of our free time together, go to church together, and we have been out of town as well together.

The ex isn't jumping to sign the papers. I know that these things take time, but I am becoming insecure because I feel as though my boyfriend may not be ready to cut all ties with this girl. This morning I told him we needed to slow it down because I got mad about something on social media. They are still keeping up with each other I'm assuming via that route because she posted a comment that only a girlfriend/wife would post on one of his recent pictures. And my boyfriend left it up. This is why I feel like they are not out of each others live. Last I heard, the ex has a new man and my bf is confused as to why she will not sign. It's making me mistrust my bf and when I bring these things up, it often comes off as hurtful to him or I end up stressing him out.

I do want to be with him, I appreciate his friendship and kindness, and I have never been in an relationship where I truly felt that the other person selflessly cares about me. I don't want to loose him because I am having a hard time dealing with the divorce. I know that this is not about me, and that this is something that he has to work through, but I feel like my insecurity will eventually make him want to throw in the towel if I add to the stress of the situation. At the same time, I don't want to remain silent about how I feel. What say ye?