Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with boyfriend and longdistance

I just want to be kind to a good guy, but I'm suffocating

Anonymous — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 10:46:37 -0800

How do I bail from a relationship I might have outgrown? Should I? Boyfriend and I have been together ~5 years, since high school (both of us are in our early 20s now). To give some background, when we first started dating, I was an anxiety-ridden, basically friendless teenage mess with zero life experience and some crazy overprotective parents, while he was a popular, chill guy with the least authoritarian parents I've ever met and some crazy experiences under his belt.

Five years later, I've mostly stuck around our shared home region but am currently off on a wonderful overseas adventure for a few months, and due to this and a lengthy amount of other factors I'm a completely different person: much more confident, calmer, slowly becoming a people-loving extrovert. Meanwhile he hasn't done anything—no higher education, no career, has become completely anti-social and borderline misanthropic and I'm quickly resenting being stuck dragging this relationship around. He has zero interest in whatever I'm doing—I'm pretty sure if I asked him right now he wouldn't know what organization I'm working for, what type of work I'm doing, what I'm researching, etc. Every conversation revolves around him and his dead-end retail job and a ton of whining about how he misses me and wants me to come home RIGHT NOW, while if I try to bring up what I'm doing he's pretty dismissive. I don't think he takes my interests very seriously, although he is generally proud of me and is very affectionate. I think the dismissiveness is due to the fact that we're still stuck in the dynamic we had when we first started dating, where he was the wiser, more capable person while I was a terrified, dependent adolescent, when in reality the roles have changed.

I think I want to dump him but I feel sorry for him because he has literally nothing else going for him besides having a girlfriend, something he brings up fairly often. I'm also afraid to end it while I'm abroad because I have no real friends aside from him when I'm back home and so I'm not sure if it's the distance that's making me feel so eager to ditch this relationship or if this is a permanent feeling (I have to return for at least one more semester, which I'm dreading already). I also feel afraid of bailing on what has been a stable, comfortable relationship overall—I'm increasingly feeling that I want to date around and have fun without having to think about this relationship, but what if I regret leaving a kind, loving guy? I'm not sure how I would even dump him in the first place, as he seems to be completely oblivious to how increasingly out of sync we are with each other and how little we have in common. He's deeply in love with me but I just feel that I've outgrown 'us', I'm very fond of him but I kind of want to find a more interesting, sociable guy who shares my interests and who I can actually talk to. I'm also concerned because boyfriend has even started bringing up engagement (!), possibly around the time of our next anniversary, but even thinking about that makes me feel suffocated and miserable.

I guess what I'm asking is how I'd break up with him (kindly and slowly!), and if it'd be better to do it now or if I should just hang on for another year until I can move away from our isolated hometown permanently? How do I know if leaving him is the right choice at all? And if it is how do I stop feeling so guilty about it?? I wish I could give him a life and some ambition beforehand but I've burnt myself out trying to change him already.

I miss my boyfriend. This other guys is nice. Help!

Emms — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 20:49:01 -0800

Am I emotionally cheating on my boyfriend? Background: I am a 23 year old female in a relationship with a 23 year old male. We've been together for four months, and are currently living (many) hours apart. While we haven't been together THAT long, we feel very strongly for each other, and are tentatively talking about what we can do to eventually end the long distance. This is the first serious relationship for both of us.

I recently made a new friend at work. A guy. We've been having lots of conversations in between shows (this is the performing arts business), and we've hit it off as it turns out we have a lot in common. I've thought for the past few days that he might be interested in me, but I'm often off the mark about these things and didn't want to jump to conclusions.

Well, today he asked me out. I said no thank you (of course) because I have a boyfriend, but that I would happily hang out as friends. Now, the issue is that this guy is exactly the type of guy that I would be into if I was single. He's pretty good looking, and we seem to get along very well. If I was single, there's no doubt in my mind that I would have accepted his offer, and been very flattered and excited and optimistic about it, because he's very much the kind of person that I would be into. He seems like a really nice guy. Since he asked me out, I've noted to myself that it's a shame I'm not single because if I was I would be totally into this guy. To be perfectly honest, I am attracted to him a bit. This takes nothing away from how much I care for my boyfriend, of course, but is kind of disconcerting to me BECAUSE I have my boyfriend.

This is the first time I've ever been asked out by somebody while in a relationship that I would go out with if NOT in a relationship, and I guess I'm not sure of the correct way to emotionally approach it. Usually I just get attention from mildly creepy guys on the street who I gladly brush off the advances of ("Ugh, my boyfriend is so much better than you creeps!") as opposed to nice guys I would actually consider dating material in other circumstances ("Oh...that really is too bad.")

Questions:

I would never physically cheat on my boyfriend (he's a wonderful guy and I'm really happy with him) but I wonder if even thinking the stuff above about how this guy from work would be nice to date and how I'm a bit attracted is emotionally cheating on him. As I said, I've never been in a serious relationship before, so I'm kind of learning how things go as I go along. I sure know I would be sad and a bit shaken up if my boyfriend found himself slightly attracted to someone else, but I think as long as he was happy with me and it didn't threaten us I think it would be alright. This does NOT threaten me and my boyfriend. I would not cheat on him. I AM happy with him.

I wonder if some of this has to do with my boyfriend being far away? I miss him terribly and we stay in fairly good contact, but I suppose if he were physically around me more often I wouldn't feel the slight tug I get when talking to this other guy. I would get my tug whenever I would see my boyfriend, but that hasn't been for two weeks now. (Gosh, I miss him.)

Also, I was talking to my friend who was saying I shouldn't hang out with this guy as it would cause too much temptation. Nothing physical would ever happen, but I do think that it might be an opportunity for more mixed up emotions.

Help! Am I betraying my boyfriend emotionally? I don't want to be! Am I right to be confused and disconcerted over this?

Should I stay or should I go.

Emms — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 01:20:29 -0800

Should I stay in the city unhappy, or take a big risk and move to the mountains with a wonderful but very new boyfriend? Lots of background inside. Apologies for the long post. This is kind of complicated and requires lots of background and a lot of things to consider in order to understand my dilemma.

Relationship background: This is the first serious relationship for both me (female, 23) and my boyfriend (23). I recently moved back home from living abroad and am temporarily living with my parents where I grew up in Very Large City. Boyfriend just finished school and has been temporarily living with his parents in the countryside where he grew up.

It started out as a casual romance when we met on a job in the country (near where he lives) this summer and crossed the "more than friends" line towards the end of the season, in the beginning of September. It all escalated, even after we had gone back to our respective homes, and we quickly found ourselves feeling really strongly for each other and decided to take the chance, follow our instincts, and enter into a long distance relationship--something that we're hugely thankful we did. Fortunately, due to our employment schedules for the last few months, we were able to see each other pretty often and have spent a lot of time together. We're continuously amazed at how close we've become and how much we've grown to mean to each other in such a short amount of time, and are both aware that things seemed to be moving on the fast end of the spectrum rather than the slow.

Much of this is about to change, however, as now he is moving even farther north to work on a ski resort for the winter. He is living in a cabin up there with two of his friends, who also work at the resort. I visited the cabin briefly last month and loved it. I got along extremely well with his friends/housemates (one male, one female) and can see myself being friends with them in our own right. The area was beautiful, the cabin awesome, etc., and left me quite jealous and distasteful of my city life. Which leads me to...

Career background: I have my training/degree in acting and theatre, but have recently come to dislike the idea of living the rest of my life working in retail or another boring job in Very Large City while I wait for an acting job and something meaningful to do. I am also, in general, rethinking my previous desire to live in cities. I'm not sure where I want to to go with my life at this point, but children's theatre is an option I'm looking into.

I'm very unhappy living at home with my parents. It makes me depressed, bored and sick of the city, and lonely (I've had housemates of my own age for years now.) I just finally scored two jobs (one in catering, one in fundraising) which, while they make good money and would keep me active and busy, aren't exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life. However, I was planning to use them for money/activity for a few months while I tried to figure out what to do.

Boyfriend just told me that his friend, who works in childcare at the resort, told him that they're hiring more people for childcare starting in January. He says it's pretty likely I'd get the job if I applied, especially with his friend's referral. This is incredibly tempting, and now I'm trying to sort out what to do.

Pros of moving to the resort for the winter:
-Could be a good career move: I'd be working with kids and seeing if that was something I enjoyed, and it would grant me more experience for any possible future opportunities.
-It would also give me a taste of rural living so I could see if it was something I could see myself enjoying for a long time.
-I'm sick of Very Large City, have lived away from home for years (and didn't want to come back; I had no choice) and am ready to leave again. This really is a beautiful place and so different from what I'm used to, and I LOVE trying out different things.
-It would be a much happier environment for me to figure everything out.
-I wouldn't be lonely and bored anymore! Boyfriend, of course, and his cool housemates and friends, who I'm sure would become my friends as well, if I were to move there.

Cons:
Well, really only one, and that's the mild concern I have regarding that this might be too much, too fast regarding Boyfriend. I would be moving into his room. We've been talking about this, and we agree that it would very much change our relationship to go from long distance to being together all the time, except during work. We very seriously care about each other, have no major issues so far, and are both optimistic and happy with the future progression of our relationship. But we also know that living together is a completely different story, and neither of us have experience with being a live in couple. We both need alone and quiet time, how we can we do that if we're not only sharing a smallish room but a bed (i.e. can't just go off into our separate corners to be quiet for a while)? Would we drive each other crazy? No doubt we would, everyone who lives together does at some point, but to the detriment of our relationship? Our feelings are very strong, but we HAVE only been together three months.

Maybe you're all beginning to see the issue here. This arrangement could very easily be wonderful--I could love it, make new friends, make a good career move, experience a new life, and Boyfriend and I could be extremely happy and really decide we want a future together. But I still have this niggling worry about what living together would do and whether it would jeopardize our relationship by doing so too soon, which is of course something neither of us want. Any advice on how to approach this situation and what to do? And any tips for adjusting to living with a romantic partner for the first time, finding space and time to be alone in a snug cabin and not driving each other nuts, etc.? Help! A huge part of me really wants to do this, and he thinks it could be equally wonderful, but we both have a tendency to be dreamy and are trying to keep our heads on straight.

(On top of it all, I have to figure out how to handle the two jobs that I JUST GOT and the possibility that I might be needing to leave them in a month or less, but that's a whole other issue.)

how to survive long-distance neediness

happyjuice — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 03:45:29 -0800

how needy is too needy in a long-distance relationship? i'm 22, he's 26, and we've been together for four years now. the first half was long-distance (several states over), while he finished up his degree, and after that he moved to the same town as me, and lived with his parents while trying to save money for school.

fast forward to now... he just started a graduate program four hours away. i'll be done with my bachelor's degree next spring, at which point he'll move every five weeks or so for a year to complete rotations all over the state. in other words, it looks like we won't be able to live together again until about a year and a half from now.

even though we have a semi-set time in the future when we can be together, i'm starting to feel anxious about the quality of our relationship. we usually only see each other once a month, and overall communication is much more limited than the first time we were long-distance thanks to his much heavier school workload. we survived the first time by writing regular long emails to one another, but now he doesn't have time for the same amount of communication... i'm lucky if i get a text message a day from him, and often our phone conversations end up so late at night (because he studies all day) that we're both too sleepy to really talk.

the end result is that i feel sort of like an outsider to my boyfriend's new life. i'm obviously proud of his accomplishment of getting into school, and i know he's working hard, but i also feel a bit neglected, especially because i can't help but remember how much better he used to be at communicating back in the early days. i know that's probably not a healthy way to look at it, because grad school is a big change from undergrad, but i do sort of feel like our relationship has regressed.

i often don't feel like i know what's going on in his life, and he doesn't seem too terribly interested in what's going on in mine. (he often doesn't remember things i've mentioned to him multiple times about what i'm doing, etc. which hurts my feelings sometimes.) when i've talked to him about it, he just apologizes and says that it's a lot more work than undergrad and it's really hard to manage his time. i've even flat-out asked him if he can juggle a relationship with this new school, and he insists that it's worth it to him and that i'm a major reason he wanted to go to school in the first place (marriage, taking care of a family, and such.) obviously whenever he says this, it makes me feel a little guilty for being impatient and shortsighted.

i'm keeping busy myself with school and work and hanging out with friends and such, but i can't help but feel unfulfilled in terms of my relationship. i also feel a little irrationally jealous of his new friends who get to see him all the time... he's even planning a skiing trip with them for the very first week he gets out of school! i guess i was secretly hoping that he would want to see me first thing.

i don't want to be too needy, but i also want to feel like we're not just leading totally separate lives all the time. how can i change my approach and/or attitude, and hopefully see the light at the end of the tunnel?

How to give a hug from far away.

Emms — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 15:18:52 -0800

How can I help my long distance boyfriend get through his grandmother's serious illness? (Hello all. This is my first question!)

My boyfriend of a few months and I (both in our early twenties) are in a long distance relationship. So far, so (very very) good. We get along extremely well, have tons of things in common, have strong feelings for each other, can see our relationship going somewhere, etc etc. It's the first serious relationship for both of us.

Currently, his grandmother is in very poor condition. She's just been diagnosed with lung cancer, just had a stroke, is in the hospital, etc. He is close to her and is, understandably, quite upset and affected by this.

I just came back from visiting him for a few days before Thanksgiving, and he said that my presence there was very helpful in taking his mind off of what was going on and helped bring his mood up. Which of course, leads me to want to be around and available a lot to him because I know it helps...except that he's two buses and several hours away, which makes me feel kind of helpless and unable to give him the proper support in the case of his emotional distress. I guess my question is, is there anything specific I can do to make him feel better?

I know the obvious stuff--tell him I love him, that I'm here for him, that he can call me anytime he needs to talk--all of which I do often. I send him texts throughout the day to see how he is and we've been talking on the phone most nights, but I guess I'm looking for suggestions of more creative things to do to help make it better. Maybe an online card or something...?

Any suggestions are welcome. I really care about this guy and it hurts me to see him hurting. I know he's obviously going to hurt in this situation no matter what, I'm just trying to find way to ease his pain when options like cooking him meals/going over to his house with movies and cookies/taking him out for a drink/hugging him/etc. are not possible. (If the worst happens and she passes away, I do plan on going back up there if I can.)

Thank you in advance!

How much distance is too much distance?

custard heart — Tue, 28 Sep 2010 11:06:06 -0800

Is it a bad sign that I don't miss my LDR boyfriend? snowflaky details ensue. We met this summer and had a totally wonderful whirlwind romance. Three months of total bliss -- when I met him I had just found out some terrible news about a friend's health and he let me cry on his shoulder and was thoroughly wonderful, we ended up living together for ten days after knowing each other a month and even that was great. We communicate very well. When he was in town we were totally in love -- I could see myself having this dude's children and making a life together. We've talked about meeting each others' parents, taking vacations together. Serious stuff, especially for me!

He's gone back to Vancouver for work and has been there for about a month, to be moving to my city mid-October. Not just to be with me, but I think mostly. We talked on the phone every few days when he first left and it felt so good. I missed him tonnes. He writes to me all the time. But....this week, I just don't find myself missing him anymore. I was sick with bronchitis for two weeks and couldn't talk on the phone and didn't want to write emails much. And now that i'm moderately healthy again....I just don't feel like talking to him. He's sent such sweet texts and emails...wishing me health, showering me with such compliments and flattery that it makes me kind of annoyed and uncomfortable (I just don't tend to go in for that sort of thing). And I just feel kind of 'whatever' about it.

When we're together it was total bliss, but now I find myself focusing on the more annoying things about him. Nobody is perfect, and I don't expect to find anyone who doesn't have qualities that irk me, but seeing as though he's about to make a huge life change in order to be with me I can't help feeling guilty and a bit freaked out about the immensity of the commitment we're about to make. I'm having serious second thoughts.

What are those annoying/incompatible qualities, you ask? Well, he's a total romantic. Loves grand gestures and sweet favours and cute things and fawning over me, and I do not consider myself a romantic at all. Those things make me blanch sometimes; they make me uncomfortable and annoyed. I've always been that way -- I can be cutesy with someone for a few weeks and then it just seems like a waste of time and energy to me. I'm not the most emotional person, and he's a total softie. Also, he's a total creative type. Filmmaker by trade, musician by hobby, and it's not like I'm not supportive, I just find myself a little bored and uncomfortable with self-expression that is so personal and intimate.

But of course, he has tons of qualities I really like. Handsome, smart, entertaining to talk to, clever...we get along really well. I've never been good at long distance relationships before (even short-term) as I tend to just get used to my current situation without the person there, but when together things tend to pick up where they left off (or at least have in the past). I'm not interested in anyone else, I'm just worrying that this kind of commitment is becoming more of a bad idea if I don't find myself missing him. He's way more into me than I am into him, or at least he is in a different way. He's passionate and over-the-top, I'm pragmatic and would prefer to be *comfortable* with someone rather than passionately in love with them. I'm concerned that in the future we'll find we're incompatible.

Should I tell him this? He'd be CRUSHED if I told him this when I wasn't totally sure, and I haven't brought it up because I don't want to hurt him needlessly. This could be a really good thing for me. Should I be concerned? If so, how much? Am I just totally over-thinking this?

Should I stay or should I go now?

Anonymous — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 20:00:06 -0800

RelationshipFilter: Do I move out to a new city with my new boyfriend where the old boyfriend lives? Long back story inside. So, for two and a half years in college and a year after, I dated a guy. However, after a year of living together post-college, he got a long term job offer in Portland and I got a short term nursing gig in the middle of nowhere (the pay was good even if the area wasn't), and ex-bf decided he couldn't do long distance, so he broke things off. It wasn't exactly a clean cut, as I hooked up with him a couple of times afterwards in a barely veiled attempt to keep the relationship alive, but the distance effectively kept it from going back to any semblance of a relationship. In the meantime though, I managed to glorify the relationship and how great it had been (obviously there were more problems if he wasn't willing to wait 9 months for my nursing gig to be up).

Fast forward a year: even though I'm in the middle of nowhere, I'm socializing and have made a fair number of friends when I meet a great guy here! He's a good fit for me in a lot of ways, but I find myself hesitant to let myself fall for him, as I am still hurt from before. We get along really well and he has a lot of characteristics I've been looking for (kind, funny, chivalrous, etc). We've been dating for about half a year now and yesterday he let me know that his job just offered him a significant promotion under the condition that he move to... you guessed it... Portland!

My current boyfriend says he will stay around here if I want, but I know he hates his job here and would really like to take the new job (plus, it's closer to his family and friends). So, no questions about it, I want him happy and will let him know he should take the job if he wants. The problem is, that although I really like my boyfriend and enjoy his company, I'm not head-over-heels in love yet and I'm also worried that although Portland is a big city, I'll eventually end up reconnecting with my ex... and, well, 'reconnecting.' (I wouldn't cheat, but I can see myself getting close to him and ending my current relationship to once again try to re-live the glorified relationship)

I just re-signed my nursing contract until April, so I'm here until at least then. At which point, I could a. move out to Portland. b. re-sign my contract to stick around here and keep racking up some savings. or c. move back to my home state (in the southwest... I'd only be able to visit Portland via plane) and sort my life out.

So, I guess I have a few questions:
1. Do I risk it and move out with the boyfriend in April? Or do I take one of my other options? I know April is a ways a way, but I have to decide relatively soon so I can get all of the logistics figured out.
2. Is it normal to not be completely in head-over-heels in love after 5 months? Any real life stories or anecdotes are appreciated. Besides a couple casual boyfriends in high school, I've only had the one serious relationship and I was head-over-heels for him in a couple months (I was a young and naive 20 year old... I'm 24 now), so I have nothing else to compare this to. Am I cruel for continuing to date someone even if I'm not sure I want to end up with them forever? And how can I make sure I'm over my ex?

Or am I just overthinking all this way too much?

Thanks in advance to everyone for your advice... no throwaway email account here, but if I need to add more info I'll contact jessamyn (my apologies in advance as well).

it's over, it's over, it's over... is it?

Anonymous — Wed, 11 May 2005 06:16:28 -0800

How do you know your relationship is worth fighting for? Or, how do you know when to call it quits? We've been dating a year. He's there, I'm here, about 1/2 of it has been long distance. We'd both been having thoughts that the relationship wasn't working that well, but with the distance and stress of finals, I just figured we'd work it out this summer when we'd be together, working in another city.

Then one night a few weeks ago, he pounced and said that we need to talk about our relationship before the summer. It was horrible timing: my own finals had just started, his were a few weeks away, and we had agreed that no relationship talks would happen over the phone. That night we broke up, but we've kind of peeled back to say that "we'll talk about it when I get up there." I'm going to see him soon. The shock of it all has settled down a bit, but I have been crying for most of the past two weeks, and I don't really want that to happen the entire time I'm with him.

I have a feeling that if one of us says that we want to work it out for the summer, the other will go for it, at least to see how it goes. I have no idea if he's going to say that, but I'm trying to figure out what I personally want to happen. So my question to you, dear MeFites, is: how do you know that it's over? If you have to ask that question, does that give you the answer? Or, is the first breakup of a long distance relationship something to work through, if a summer together might help things? This was my first serious relationship - the first one that I really cared deeply about and whether or not it ends. What advice can you give me? We both still really care about each other, but I'm unclear how to go from here. This is absolutely wrenching my heart around, and I think my finals have suffered already - if the relationship can be patched up, maybe it will be worth it. What do you ask yourself to figure out what you really want? I usually have a sense of intuition stronger than magnetic north, but this time I feel like I'm totally floundering.