170 posts tagged with boundaries.
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Why can't I be angry?

I was dating someone I really liked for a few months. He ended things by saying via text we needed to talk, and then ignoring my texts (one in which which I agreed to talk and one in which, after several days had passed, I reiterated that I was available to talk). I know he is alive because I saw him once when I was out (we did not acknowledge or speak to each other, though I'm sure he saw me too). [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Aug 28, 2016 - 12 answers

How do I deal with this relative? It's complicated.

My mother's (much younger) cousin V is a doctor. She moved to the US from Britain this year. When my father was hospitalized, she and another couple of my mother's cousins spent a week with us. I'm grateful for what she did for our family during that time, but V's behavior towards me was sometimes humiliating and condescending. I need help figuring out how to manage my relationship with her going forward because now that I live near my parents again, I'll see her more regularly than I'd like. [more inside]
posted by orangutan on Aug 27, 2016 - 38 answers

Having surgery, not sure what to do about overly-helpful mother

In the next couple months I will be having outpatient surgery in a city 2 hours away from my home. I can get there on my own, but I will need someone to stay overnight with me and drive me home the next day. My mom has very eagerly volunteered, but I don't want her to come with. [more inside]
posted by AFABulous on Jul 20, 2016 - 33 answers

Building boundaries for custody and childcare

I'm separated, getting divorced, and have 50% custody of our child. We both have busy jobs. My ex regularly leans on me to provide child care when he is in her custody. With spousal and child support, at the moment, she has considerably more income than me. At times though she either cannot or will not sort out child care at her end. Halp! [more inside]
posted by life moves pretty fast on Jun 7, 2016 - 16 answers

So Much Anger-Don't Know What To Do

For the single year that my brother was alive, my Dad ran off and left our family. Now my Dad insists on sending the family notices on the anniversary of my brother's death. This is so painful, how can I make it stop? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Jun 1, 2016 - 36 answers

How do set appropriate boundaries in a new relationship?

I'm in a wonderful new relationship but I need help with communicating, setting and maintaining appropriate boundaries and getting the space I need while getting to know this person better. [more inside]
posted by smurfzambo on May 30, 2016 - 10 answers

Setting Boundaries vs Being Controlling?

I have very poor boundaries, and I'm just beginning to understand what that means. I've been trying to be aware of that and then set them in my relationship with my husband - but I'm unsure I'm doing it right, and am not just ending up being controlling. [more inside]
posted by LANA! on May 27, 2016 - 16 answers

How can you tell if you're being manipulative?

How can you tell if you're being manipulative? [more inside]
posted by triggerfinger on May 19, 2016 - 24 answers

How do you teach boundaries and respect?

Is it possible to teach an adult how to be considerate and respect boundaries? If a child grows up without boundaries, is it impossible to learn? [more inside]
posted by serenity_now on May 9, 2016 - 29 answers

New relationship good practices

Please give me your best practices for starting a relationship off on the right foot. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Apr 13, 2016 - 10 answers

Respecting religious differences in emotionally charged conversations?

I'm an atheist. I don't wear this fact on my sleeve. Most of the time, I actively avoid religion as a conversational topic. There are some conversations, however, where you can't duck the topic, because you're providing support to someone who has experienced a personal tragedy, such as the death of a loved one, and in the course of that conversation, they will invoke their religious beliefs. The question I am posing is: how can I provide emotional support and maintain proper boundaries while respecting their beliefs and my own as well?
posted by the hot hot side of randy on Apr 9, 2016 - 31 answers

The in-law triangle, how do you deal with it?

My partner and I have been together a long time and I have posted about issues with his sister before. I can see that his inability to draw boundaries is the real issue here and so my question is combination of how does one deal when a SO can't and won't draw boundaries and has a needy sibling who has a hard time backing off. We are all in our late 30s but emotionally in our relationship, it feels like he needs to take care of her, and be there for her and I can't get over the feeling that her very existence is now sucking oxygen out of my relationship, and i need to stop feeling like that. Details inside. [more inside]
posted by whatdoyouthink? on Apr 5, 2016 - 30 answers

Fallen off the face of the earth

My friend has stopped communicating with everyone around them. How much should I try to get in contact? Should I leave it be? [more inside]
posted by Gordafarin on Feb 29, 2016 - 15 answers

San Francisco geographical oddity

If you search Google Maps for "San Francisco", it shows tiny corners of Angel Island and Alameda Island as lying within city limits. Is this accurate? If so, how did the city/county boundary lines get drawn in such an unusual way?
posted by Johnny Assay on Jan 21, 2016 - 15 answers

Unhelpful feelings of guilt around business decisions

How to sit with discomfort (and you know... get some sleep) after making decisions that put my financial needs first? [more inside]
posted by lifethatihavenotlivedyet on Dec 29, 2015 - 12 answers

resources for troubled in-law relations?

Yeah, I know, in-law problems are so common as to be a cliche. But I don't want my family to be a cliche! The resources I've found on in-law relationships have typically been super conservative/religious, or deal with highly toxic and dramatic situations (which ours isn't), or are mostly parenting-focused (we don't have kids). Surely someone has written a book or a blog about in-law issues that are mostly about clashing personalities and priorities? [more inside]
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese on Dec 28, 2015 - 23 answers

Office Hours at Home

My partner often comes up to me and starts talking no matter what I'm doing - reading a book, writing, working on a drawing. He doesn't wait until I make eye contact or acknowledge him - he just starts talking. This means that when I'm concentrating on something I'm frequently interrupted. Is there a way for me to remain physically present and available for occasional conversation while signalling that I am busy and don't wish to be constantly interrupted? [more inside]
posted by sleepy psychonaut on Dec 26, 2015 - 30 answers

Mooching Memes

How do I cut off a friend's access to my wifi w/o being an asshole? [more inside]
posted by tippy on Dec 9, 2015 - 83 answers

Reality check on holiday boundaries

Need a reality check on setting boundaries around the holidays. [more inside]
posted by The Shoodoonoof on Dec 7, 2015 - 16 answers

Boundaries set, but advice needed on how to support husband

In laws, aging, health and "expectations" from parents of adults - how do I navigate this situation with setting boundaries/supporting my husband in the face of manipulative in laws? (Snowstorm warning...) [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Dec 6, 2015 - 28 answers

How much drama should be tolerated at the beginning of a relationship?

This has been my first relationship, so I am not sure how much conflict, misunderstanding, moody behaviour and mixed signals should be considered normal and acceptable. I don't like some of her actions, should I be patient or is it time to stand up for myself? [more inside]
posted by samufer on Dec 5, 2015 - 56 answers

Boundary-ignorant husband: part of a bigger problem?

My husband keeps pulling up my clothes and rubbing my belly (not pregnant, not trying to get pregnant, dear god I can only imagine if I was). It's meant to be affectionate but I HATE it. I've told him to stop, but he keeps doing it. I think my problem has less to do with the touching (although I really, really, really don't like it and resent having to apologize or explain it) and more to do with the fact that I explicitly asked him to stop but he has not. This makes me irrationally angry. Am I overreacting by moving out of our bedroom into our spare room? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Nov 20, 2015 - 54 answers

When to excuse myself from being MOH, and what exactly to say?

My question relates to my Previous Ask from January. The once-postponed, drama-filled wedding plans of one of my best friends since adolescence are now (allegedly) back on again! Looks like I may need to actively excuse myself from being the MOH this time, that is, IF this wedding actually happens... [more inside]
posted by hush on Oct 16, 2015 - 19 answers

How to find a balance with a (maybe?) flirty partner?

My husband and I have different boundaries when it comes to what we consider to be 'kind of cheating' behaviour and I'm struggling to deal with it. My current plan is based on a tit-for-tat approach, but that seems pretty childish. What is a better way to deal with this without becoming a crazy jealousy monster? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Oct 9, 2015 - 33 answers

Setting boundaries re my friends' love lives

When is it appropriate to set a boundary regarding how much time you spend dealing with your friends’ romantic turmoil? And how do you set healthy boundaries? I’m not referring to things like supporting a friend through a breakup, but, rather, more ongoing situations. More inside. [more inside]
posted by mermaidcafe on Oct 6, 2015 - 15 answers

Whether to tell annoying person she's annoying.

Is it even something I should consider? [more inside]
posted by wwartorff on Oct 2, 2015 - 20 answers

How to set appropriate boundaries with ex-wife/co-parent

My ex-wife and I have been officially divorced since February of this year, separated since March of 2013. We have two children, ages 5 and 6; we share custody 50-50. She moved out of the marital home and maintains a residence nearby. Both of us are living with new partners. I have tried (on my own) to set healthy boundaries between the two of us, but have not communicated those boundaries to her. I'm looking for some assistance in the most effective and confident way to do that - so that the boundaries do not depend on just me knowing them. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Sep 30, 2015 - 55 answers

Books about setting boundaries

I'm looking for books, preferably audio books, about setting boundaries with people and learning when to say no/yes. I want something grounded in psychology, without any religious undertones (although I am open to wisdom from any religion as long as it doesn't get preachy).
posted by omar.a on Sep 28, 2015 - 3 answers

Positive depictions of consent in kids' media

I'm looking for depictions of healthy consent and boundaries in children's movies, TV shows, and other media. The catch is that I want stuff that does NOT refer to sexual activity directly and that is appropriate for kids under 12. [more inside]
posted by thetortoise on Sep 27, 2015 - 6 answers

Dealing with abusive former collaborator who runs in same social circles

My close professional relationship with a man ended badly because he was abusive towards me and I finally couldn’t take it anymore. He's blown up over tiny things, yelled at me until I cried, made inappropriate sexual advances, etc. He’s done this to at least 5 different women, but nobody wants to talk about it openly. [more inside]
posted by doodletoo on Sep 20, 2015 - 7 answers

Grandparents hate us, want to continue loving baby. Now what?

My husband's parents are the only grandparents my child see regularly (we live in his country rather than mine) have decided that they no longer want a relationship with us. They do, however, want to continue their bi-weekly visits to see the baby which I would be "hosting". We don't want to cut them off, but I am not enthused. Reassurance and tips on navigating this requested. I am so confused!! [more inside]
posted by jrobin276 on Aug 12, 2015 - 92 answers

Help me work out my boundaries and communicate them to my sister

My sister is moving from our home country to my city, where I’ve lived for several years. She appears to expect that she can stay on my sofa indefinitely whilst looking for work. I don’t want this and have tried to push back, but it doesn’t seem to be getting through. Want to set boundaries kindly and consciously. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Aug 12, 2015 - 38 answers

The Narrowest of Thailand

You know how Myanmar and Thailand share a narrow peninsula? And how Myanmar's territory veers sharply to the east, leaving Thailand with a narrow neck connecting the mainland to its extreme southern provinces? How did that happen? How did Myanmar wind up with such a large share of the land in question? [more inside]
posted by the hot hot side of randy on Aug 8, 2015 - 3 answers

Get over it.

Previously abusive parent expresses this sentiment to their adult child: people make mistakes; that doesn't make them bad, it makes them human, and they shouldn't have to pay for it the rest of their lives. What is a healthy internal response? What is a healthy response to the parent? [more inside]
posted by Eolienne on Aug 6, 2015 - 41 answers

Helping a friend in crisis

Friend in mental health crisis; need advice on remaining steady and being there for her while setting boundaries. (trigger warning: sexual abuse, domestic abuse) [more inside]
posted by sunset in snow country on Aug 5, 2015 - 19 answers

Helping a Friend in Need: What Are the Limits?

A close friend of mine is going through some difficult financial times. I want to help as much as I can--and I have for a while now. But I'm worried that he's beginning to see me as an ATM and I'm beginning to feel guilty about saying no or putting limits on how much I will give. I need suggestions on how to draw an appropriate boundary between being helpful yet also not feeling used. [more inside]
posted by Quaversalis on Jul 14, 2015 - 22 answers

Partner's request to bring his mom to my co-worker's bbq...

Wall o’ text follows. All names have been changed. [more inside]
posted by foxjacket on Jul 4, 2015 - 75 answers

My boyfriend's ex is his "best friend."

My boyfriend had a pretty awful 10-year relationship with his ex girlfriend. After they broke up three years ago, things recovered to the point where they are really good friends. I feel like their friendship has unhealthy elements and I'm not sure how best to proceed. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Jun 29, 2015 - 23 answers

How do I deal with a supervisor who is an energy vampire?

I am working an additional week at my contract job...but will be supervised by someone with questionable self-awareness and wonky boundaries. Help? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Jun 6, 2015 - 21 answers

As an introvert, I struggle to meet women outside of work

I cannot seem to meet interesting women outside of work because I either scare the holy daylights out of them with my silhipence, my sexuality (I identify as a mild sado and naturally am very dominant), or my intensity. Help? [more inside]
posted by thebotanyofsouls on May 16, 2015 - 86 answers

Setting boundaries at work

Please help me think about how to set boundaries in my demanding job, before it damages my marriage even more.  [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Apr 27, 2015 - 42 answers

"You can't handle the truth!" But I need to learn how to...

Last week, my partner admitted that he's been not just hiding things, but outright lying to me. The revelations hurt, but I need honesty if we're to stay together. How do I make it safe for my partner to tell me the truth when it's repeatedly been so startling and upsetting? Difficulty level: partner is dealing with Major Depression, and has been near-suicidal. [more inside]
posted by Someone Else's Story on Apr 17, 2015 - 56 answers

WWJD: What [Boundaries] Would Jesus Designate?

Growing up Christian with a fundamentalist slant, I internalized Jesus's "turn the other cheek" teachings to mean, "don't ever set boundaries or express anger."** I'm no longer Christian, but I'm working on reclaiming my spiritual past and figuring out what to keep and what to set aside. Are there texts that interpret the teachings of Jesus through a lens of social justice/personal boundaries/feminism/activism? I'm interested in scholarly or theological texts rather than pop psychology books. [more inside]
posted by rogerrogerwhatsyourrvectorvicto on Mar 24, 2015 - 10 answers

Can tantra be therapeutic?

I’ve been seeing a therapist for a while for various reasons, including coming to terms with rape and a generally traumatic sexual history. My issues with sex have basically made any relationships impossible and at this point I’ve been single and celibate for five years. I would like to change this - or at least to feel like I have the ability to have a fulfilling sexual life if I want to. My therapist has suggested that I look into tantra and has recommended a practitioner for one-on-one work and also an organization that runs weekend courses for groups. Is this legit and/or a good idea? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Mar 7, 2015 - 12 answers

You CAN sit with us.

Growing up, my family moved every few years and I was constantly a "new kid" navigating unfamiliar social situations. Although as an adult I now have many great friendships, I have an almost compulsive desire to be inclusive and not exclude others. I have a pattern of befriending people who say they are lonely and then feeling responsible for making them not feel lonely. How can I be compassionate to lonely people without reliving my childhood anxiety? [more inside]
posted by rogerrogerwhatsyourrvectorvicto on Feb 20, 2015 - 13 answers

What kind of boundaries to set with my sister?

I'm living with my mom and my sister. I am having serious issues with my sister, to the point where I'm not sure I can have a close relationship with her anymore. But we are living together, and I am trying to come up with emotional boundaries I can set so future conflicts with her can be avoided. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Feb 4, 2015 - 13 answers

Looking for something a step down from "NO TOUCHING!"

I need advice on how to tactfully stop my co-workers from touching me. [more inside]
posted by bluloo on Jan 23, 2015 - 27 answers

So there's this person who likes to hang out in my basement....

One of our neighbors in our co-op has given a friend of theirs the keys to our basement and now this friend comes and goes as if she lives here. How do I make this stop? [more inside]
posted by TryTheTilapia on Jan 20, 2015 - 32 answers

I'd prefer a smaller portion of bullshit, please.

How should I get this guy to stop sharing the part of his new agey stuff that doesn't interest me without cutting him off? [more inside]
posted by Promethea on Jan 10, 2015 - 9 answers

My sister has invited me to the delivery room, and I don't want to go.

My older sister is having a baby in a couple of months. She has decided she wants the entire immediate family (parents/siblings/sibling spouses) in there. I really would rather not go, but I also don't know if I'm being unreasonable or selfish, and I don't want to push back if this is something that I need to just say, "Okay, you're the one pushing the baby out, you call the shots." [more inside]
posted by socktothepuppet on Jan 7, 2015 - 57 answers

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