149 posts tagged with boundaries.
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Boundary-ignorant husband: part of a bigger problem?

My husband keeps pulling up my clothes and rubbing my belly (not pregnant, not trying to get pregnant, dear god I can only imagine if I was). It's meant to be affectionate but I HATE it. I've told him to stop, but he keeps doing it. I think my problem has less to do with the touching (although I really, really, really don't like it and resent having to apologize or explain it) and more to do with the fact that I explicitly asked him to stop but he has not. This makes me irrationally angry. Am I overreacting by moving out of our bedroom into our spare room? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Nov 20, 2015 - 54 answers

When to excuse myself from being MOH, and what exactly to say?

My question relates to my Previous Ask from January. The once-postponed, drama-filled wedding plans of one of my best friends since adolescence are now (allegedly) back on again! Looks like I may need to actively excuse myself from being the MOH this time, that is, IF this wedding actually happens... [more inside]
posted by hush on Oct 16, 2015 - 19 answers

How to find a balance with a (maybe?) flirty partner?

My husband and I have different boundaries when it comes to what we consider to be 'kind of cheating' behaviour and I'm struggling to deal with it. My current plan is based on a tit-for-tat approach, but that seems pretty childish. What is a better way to deal with this without becoming a crazy jealousy monster? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Oct 9, 2015 - 33 answers

Setting boundaries re my friends' love lives

When is it appropriate to set a boundary regarding how much time you spend dealing with your friends’ romantic turmoil? And how do you set healthy boundaries? I’m not referring to things like supporting a friend through a breakup, but, rather, more ongoing situations. More inside. [more inside]
posted by mermaidcafe on Oct 6, 2015 - 15 answers

Whether to tell annoying person she's annoying.

Is it even something I should consider? [more inside]
posted by wwartorff on Oct 2, 2015 - 20 answers

How to set appropriate boundaries with ex-wife/co-parent

My ex-wife and I have been officially divorced since February of this year, separated since March of 2013. We have two children, ages 5 and 6; we share custody 50-50. She moved out of the marital home and maintains a residence nearby. Both of us are living with new partners. I have tried (on my own) to set healthy boundaries between the two of us, but have not communicated those boundaries to her. I'm looking for some assistance in the most effective and confident way to do that - so that the boundaries do not depend on just me knowing them. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Sep 30, 2015 - 54 answers

Books about setting boundaries

I'm looking for books, preferably audio books, about setting boundaries with people and learning when to say no/yes. I want something grounded in psychology, without any religious undertones (although I am open to wisdom from any religion as long as it doesn't get preachy).
posted by omar.a on Sep 28, 2015 - 3 answers

Positive depictions of consent in kids' media

I'm looking for depictions of healthy consent and boundaries in children's movies, TV shows, and other media. The catch is that I want stuff that does NOT refer to sexual activity directly and that is appropriate for kids under 12. [more inside]
posted by thetortoise on Sep 27, 2015 - 6 answers

Dealing with abusive former collaborator who runs in same social circles

My close professional relationship with a man ended badly because he was abusive towards me and I finally couldn’t take it anymore. He's blown up over tiny things, yelled at me until I cried, made inappropriate sexual advances, etc. He’s done this to at least 5 different women, but nobody wants to talk about it openly. [more inside]
posted by doodletoo on Sep 20, 2015 - 7 answers

Grandparents hate us, want to continue loving baby. Now what?

My husband's parents are the only grandparents my child see regularly (we live in his country rather than mine) have decided that they no longer want a relationship with us. They do, however, want to continue their bi-weekly visits to see the baby which I would be "hosting". We don't want to cut them off, but I am not enthused. Reassurance and tips on navigating this requested. I am so confused!! [more inside]
posted by jrobin276 on Aug 12, 2015 - 92 answers

Help me work out my boundaries and communicate them to my sister

My sister is moving from our home country to my city, where I’ve lived for several years. She appears to expect that she can stay on my sofa indefinitely whilst looking for work. I don’t want this and have tried to push back, but it doesn’t seem to be getting through. Want to set boundaries kindly and consciously. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Aug 12, 2015 - 38 answers

The Narrowest of Thailand

You know how Myanmar and Thailand share a narrow peninsula? And how Myanmar's territory veers sharply to the east, leaving Thailand with a narrow neck connecting the mainland to its extreme southern provinces? How did that happen? How did Myanmar wind up with such a large share of the land in question? [more inside]
posted by the hot hot side of randy on Aug 8, 2015 - 3 answers

Get over it.

Previously abusive parent expresses this sentiment to their adult child: people make mistakes; that doesn't make them bad, it makes them human, and they shouldn't have to pay for it the rest of their lives. What is a healthy internal response? What is a healthy response to the parent? [more inside]
posted by Eolienne on Aug 6, 2015 - 41 answers

Helping a friend in crisis

Friend in mental health crisis; need advice on remaining steady and being there for her while setting boundaries. (trigger warning: sexual abuse, domestic abuse) [more inside]
posted by sunset in snow country on Aug 5, 2015 - 19 answers

Helping a Friend in Need: What Are the Limits?

A close friend of mine is going through some difficult financial times. I want to help as much as I can--and I have for a while now. But I'm worried that he's beginning to see me as an ATM and I'm beginning to feel guilty about saying no or putting limits on how much I will give. I need suggestions on how to draw an appropriate boundary between being helpful yet also not feeling used. [more inside]
posted by Quaversalis on Jul 14, 2015 - 22 answers

Partner's request to bring his mom to my co-worker's bbq...

Wall o’ text follows. All names have been changed. [more inside]
posted by foxjacket on Jul 4, 2015 - 75 answers

My boyfriend's ex is his "best friend."

My boyfriend had a pretty awful 10-year relationship with his ex girlfriend. After they broke up three years ago, things recovered to the point where they are really good friends. I feel like their friendship has unhealthy elements and I'm not sure how best to proceed. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Jun 29, 2015 - 23 answers

How do I deal with a supervisor who is an energy vampire?

I am working an additional week at my contract job...but will be supervised by someone with questionable self-awareness and wonky boundaries. Help? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Jun 6, 2015 - 21 answers

As an introvert, I struggle to meet women outside of work

I cannot seem to meet interesting women outside of work because I either scare the holy daylights out of them with my silhipence, my sexuality (I identify as a mild sado and naturally am very dominant), or my intensity. Help? [more inside]
posted by thebotanyofsouls on May 16, 2015 - 86 answers

Setting boundaries at work

Please help me think about how to set boundaries in my demanding job, before it damages my marriage even more.  [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Apr 27, 2015 - 42 answers

"You can't handle the truth!" But I need to learn how to...

Last week, my partner admitted that he's been not just hiding things, but outright lying to me. The revelations hurt, but I need honesty if we're to stay together. How do I make it safe for my partner to tell me the truth when it's repeatedly been so startling and upsetting? Difficulty level: partner is dealing with Major Depression, and has been near-suicidal. [more inside]
posted by Someone Else's Story on Apr 17, 2015 - 56 answers

WWJD: What [Boundaries] Would Jesus Designate?

Growing up Christian with a fundamentalist slant, I internalized Jesus's "turn the other cheek" teachings to mean, "don't ever set boundaries or express anger."** I'm no longer Christian, but I'm working on reclaiming my spiritual past and figuring out what to keep and what to set aside. Are there texts that interpret the teachings of Jesus through a lens of social justice/personal boundaries/feminism/activism? I'm interested in scholarly or theological texts rather than pop psychology books. [more inside]
posted by rogerrogerwhatsyourrvectorvicto on Mar 24, 2015 - 10 answers

Can tantra be therapeutic?

I’ve been seeing a therapist for a while for various reasons, including coming to terms with rape and a generally traumatic sexual history. My issues with sex have basically made any relationships impossible and at this point I’ve been single and celibate for five years. I would like to change this - or at least to feel like I have the ability to have a fulfilling sexual life if I want to. My therapist has suggested that I look into tantra and has recommended a practitioner for one-on-one work and also an organization that runs weekend courses for groups. Is this legit and/or a good idea? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Mar 7, 2015 - 12 answers

You CAN sit with us.

Growing up, my family moved every few years and I was constantly a "new kid" navigating unfamiliar social situations. Although as an adult I now have many great friendships, I have an almost compulsive desire to be inclusive and not exclude others. I have a pattern of befriending people who say they are lonely and then feeling responsible for making them not feel lonely. How can I be compassionate to lonely people without reliving my childhood anxiety? [more inside]
posted by rogerrogerwhatsyourrvectorvicto on Feb 20, 2015 - 13 answers

What kind of boundaries to set with my sister?

I'm living with my mom and my sister. I am having serious issues with my sister, to the point where I'm not sure I can have a close relationship with her anymore. But we are living together, and I am trying to come up with emotional boundaries I can set so future conflicts with her can be avoided. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Feb 4, 2015 - 13 answers

Looking for something a step down from "NO TOUCHING!"

I need advice on how to tactfully stop my co-workers from touching me. [more inside]
posted by bluloo on Jan 23, 2015 - 27 answers

So there's this person who likes to hang out in my basement....

One of our neighbors in our co-op has given a friend of theirs the keys to our basement and now this friend comes and goes as if she lives here. How do I make this stop? [more inside]
posted by TryTheTilapia on Jan 20, 2015 - 32 answers

I'd prefer a smaller portion of bullshit, please.

How should I get this guy to stop sharing the part of his new agey stuff that doesn't interest me without cutting him off? [more inside]
posted by Promethea on Jan 10, 2015 - 9 answers

My sister has invited me to the delivery room, and I don't want to go.

My older sister is having a baby in a couple of months. She has decided she wants the entire immediate family (parents/siblings/sibling spouses) in there. I really would rather not go, but I also don't know if I'm being unreasonable or selfish, and I don't want to push back if this is something that I need to just say, "Okay, you're the one pushing the baby out, you call the shots." [more inside]
posted by socktothepuppet on Jan 7, 2015 - 57 answers

How to respect boundaries between friend and SO.

I have a good female friend whom I have some history with and a girlfriend. My friend is hurting as I prioritize her less and my girlfriend more. I want to respect both of them and their feelings. [more inside]
posted by Durin's Bane on Dec 16, 2014 - 56 answers

Am I being a brat, or does my mother have boundary issues?

My very kind and generous mother has bought everything on my boyfriend's wishlist, for me to give to him on Christmas. I'm 30 years old and feel a bit... weird about this. Am I right to feel out of joint, or am I looking a gift horse in the mouth? [more inside]
posted by Dwardles on Dec 5, 2014 - 50 answers

I love you all, really, but please leave me alone

I've had quite a career boost this year and at the same time (and for related reasons,) my social circle has tripled (and it was large to begin with.) I'm involved with multiple organizations I care about, but have become utterly overwhelmed. I feel the need to take a 6 week social hiatus for my own mental health, starting Jan 1. How do I respond to social invites, without sounding ungrateful or aloof or snobby, that I just need some time off? (I can't lie and say I'm out of town as we would cross paths professionally. And I work freelance so they know I have "free time" during the day.) [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Dec 3, 2014 - 21 answers

Help! My mom thinks she's me.

This is so weird I hardly know how to phrase it. My mom keeps telling anecdotes from my life as if they are things that happened to her. She doesn't seem to be aware of this behavior but it makes me feel uncomfortable and violated. How should I deal? Details inside. [more inside]
posted by hand-knit sock on Nov 5, 2014 - 35 answers

Finding balance between being a doormat and being too unforgiving

How do I find the middle ground between being an over-empathetic doormat and bailing from relationships at the very first sign of trouble? [more inside]
posted by Chkalovskaya on Oct 8, 2014 - 16 answers

Setting parental boundaries

My father and I have a complicated history that colors our present relationship. Help me figure out how to set compassionate boundaries. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Aug 19, 2014 - 11 answers

Immigrant parents won't drop the subject of their former country, help

It's been 32 year since they immigrated to this country, but pretty much the one and only thing my family ever talks about is the home country, and it drives me crazy. I can't change them, but I could probably handle it better. Details and the plea for help within. [more inside]
posted by tumbleweedjack on Aug 15, 2014 - 31 answers

How to be polite yet firm about not being informed via social media?

Family members relay FB status updates/news when I'm no longer on FB--it's good to be in the loop sometimes, but I dislike the delivery method. How can I reverse these types of communication patterns without giving the impression that I don't care? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Aug 5, 2014 - 20 answers

Partner's Abusive Ex and Communicating My Boundaries

I need advice on how to explain to my partner why I wont be attending a birthday party for the child she co-parents with her emotionally abusive ex. [more inside]
posted by peterpete on Aug 5, 2014 - 36 answers

Stop peeing on my friends!

Is there a way to hide all activity generated by another Facebook user without actually blocking that user? Details inside. [more inside]
posted by hand-knit sock on Jul 31, 2014 - 19 answers

My parents suck.

My parents are incredibly rude narcissists. This time they've turned their focus on my sister. What can I do to support her through this? [more inside]
posted by floweredfish on Jul 20, 2014 - 17 answers

Are we talking or are you trying to give me an eskimo kiss?

I have a co-worker that is a close-talker and it makes me uncomfortable. We are becoming good friends and I enjoy talking with with her, but if we are face to face I find myself having to back away. If I am sitting at my desk, sometimes she will come behind my desk and stand right next to me while I am sitting in my chair and lean in so that we are face to face. I need some advice on how to non-nonchalantly ask her to not close-talk or at least give me a little bit of space. She is great and I do not want to hurt her feelings so I want to let her know casually if possible. Background if it matters...Im a guy. She is not hitting on me and does not like me (I know because I have seen her do the same to others and she has a long term boyfriend).
posted by frednorton on Jul 16, 2014 - 29 answers

Don't Let Them Get to You - But better phrasing?

Trying to come up with inspirational sayings for boundary enforcement, something that can be embroidered or engraved. Some sort of physical embodiment of this saying will be created. The idea should be you can't save everyone, you need to not take on the pain of the world, everything is not on your shoulders, you can say no, et cetera. [more inside]
posted by RainyJay on Jul 10, 2014 - 26 answers

Neighbors put bushes and landscaping several feet onto my property

My neighbors, who are renters, have put lilac bushes, flowers, and landscaping several feet into my property. I've nothing against flowers and landscaping, but I would not have chosen to add this to my land in this particular configuration, and I am concerned about the idea of encroachment on my lot. How should I respond? [more inside]
posted by scrowdid on Jun 30, 2014 - 20 answers

Should I tell or stay out of it?

How do I approach this delicate situation of a recent breakup, addiction issues, and levels of responsibility and boundaries in a new ex’s life? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Jun 27, 2014 - 20 answers

I really just need a walkthrough.

I am really terrible at 1) figuring out what the hell I want, and 2) communicating it. I've started dating a guy and this problem is magnifying my relationship anxieties by a thousand, and it's starting to make me super stressed. Please tell me what I'm doing wrong here! [more inside]
posted by sockitysock on Jun 4, 2014 - 19 answers

I have only a little to give but how to draw the line?

I have a needy friend that I have been helping out, but I need to draw a line somehow. Complication: we work together. I can’t let my friend and her son literally starve, but I really am pretty broke. I don’t know how to word things / deal with the situation to tell her I can’t give any more, when she inevitably requests more help. [more inside]
posted by sock puppetron on wheels on May 24, 2014 - 36 answers

What kinds of boundaries can I set with a self-centered person?

I need some help recalibrating how I interact with someone who is profoundly self-centered (ranging from insensitivity to my feelings to arguably deliberately "using" me). Assuming that I must keep this person in my life, what are some things I can do to feel more empowered and more at peace with the balance between us? [more inside]
posted by argonauta on May 18, 2014 - 19 answers

A twitter follower getting into stalker-uncomfortable territory

I have a follower of my twitter account who's constantly causing alarm bells to go off in my head, and I'm curious how to deal with it. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on May 15, 2014 - 33 answers

Need space for new family

We have a new (4 month old) baby. Hooray! My husband and I both have wonderful parents who want to see their only granddaughter as much as they can. His parents live almost across the country so don't visit often. The problem is with my parents, and I need a reality check about what I'm asking of them- am I setting reasonable boundaries or being selfish? [more inside]
posted by chela on Mar 21, 2014 - 29 answers

How to Acclimate a Cat to Bedtime Rituals

A kitty has joined my home as of 48 hours ago (photos eventually, pretty sure a coworker is on here and I need to preserve anonymity right now). She's 7 months old ish and now that she's made a fantastic turnaround from being huddled in a corner to triumphant queen of my entire apartment, I need to start getting her acclimated with some things so we set some behavior boundaries right away. Help! [more inside]
posted by These Birds of a Feather on Mar 12, 2014 - 22 answers

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