Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with boss

Help me not freak out at my boss or have my boss freak out at me

Anonymous — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 13:15:19 -0800

How to deal with a boss who might have Asperger's? I'm the new nanny for a 4-year-old child on the Autism spectrum. At first I thought my boss was a self-centered and rude to the extreme. We have been working side-by-side because her child is difficult to handle.

She completely forgot that I need to eat food. She dragged her former nanny through a museum at super speed though she was suffering from a severely injured toe. Every time I mentioned something not directly related to her, she looked at me like I was a space alien. What an asshole, right?

Then I got to know her a little bit better. It became clear that she is making a significant effort to make me feel comfortable and valued. The effort does not always translate correctly. For example, she freaked out at the prospect that I might want to eat the food in her apartment. I don't get a lunch break to go out and get lunch, besides, I need snacks, drinks, etc throughout the day. She stated that their housekeeper purchased her mother's food for her mother. So it is her mother's food. My boss took that to mean that her mother would never allow me to touch it. We're talking basics like milk, grapes, bread. Then, the next day, she told me I could eat her mother's food because, of course, her mother doesn't mind. This is a good example of her literal-mindedness and ignorance of some social norms (you let the people who are stuck in your home for 8+ hours a day drink your milk).

She now makes an effort to ask me about my life, in a bit of a stilted way, as though she scheduled that particular 5 minutes for "ask nanny about her life". She listens to my jokes politely although she does not have a sense of humor for anything but the completely absurd. Even that tends to get a surprised laugh/guffaw instead of a happy laugh.

She lectures. Oh, the lectures. They are long and boring and she does not notice when I want to talk or respond. She has described an excellent memory and academic success (in the top three of her class at Ivy League law school). It's not an issue of intelligence.

Keep in mind that I work side-by-side with her for 2+ hours every day (the rest of the day I'm with her child alone).

Questions:
Do you think she has Asperger's?
Do you know someone else who has Asperger's? What is it like to live/work with them?
Where can I learn more about it? I get the basics that one can find on wikipeda, so I'm looking for higher-level, more complex writing either by or about adults with Asperger's syndrome. Books, websites.

Any general suggestions about getting along with her, as someone who is extroverted, cheerful, playful, and somewhat inconsistent (meaning, I fluster her by not adhering to predictable routines)? Things that I should avoid doing?

The job is just what I'm looking for--challenging, their place is nice and cozy, the commute is great. Financially, I don't have another viable option. I had been looking for full time work for 4 months before finding this job. So "quit" or "find something else" are not good answers.

I just want some answers!

soelo — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 08:47:23 -0800

How do I actually get the documentation that I have been asking for at work? I am already looking for a new job, so no need to give me that advice.

At work, there have been many new projects lately with lots of misunderstandings or just unclear directions from our supervisors. In a recent meeting, my first question was how often they wanted the data and they could not tell me weekly or monthly. We went forward assuming weekly, but there has still not been any specific answer.

I've been in this role for nine years, and two years ago our direct supervisor changed from one who required (and wrote) documentation for new projects to one who is much more laid back. This is when the smaller problems became much bigger. Most of these projects do not come from him, but from his boss or other people at that level in our department. I feel as if they know he won't stand up to them so they walk all over him, and by extension us.

In order to solve this problem, I have suggested that we use Sharepoint to document the details of projects. Other groups in our department use it, but my supervisor has ignored my suggestions. He has not said why, but I suspect he is afraid of learning new software. In the meantime, we still have these problems. When I have time, I can document some of my work and try to keep up with the new projects. But I have no training in documentation, plus we have a group who does the documentation for most of the other groups, but they don't support us.

I am not out to prove that we are always right. I know we make mistakes, but I am tired of seeing us blamed for anything that goes wrong. We feel scapegoated, like we are pawns in the sick game of office politics.

So, I'd like suggestions on how to get the documentation and clear answers that we need.

Promotional Item

alice ayres — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 08:14:46 -0800

Please recommend a gift for my newly promoted boss. Posting for a friend:

I am new to my position, and in the month I have been here, my boss has been promoted to a new position/property. Her last day is the end of the year, but we are having a luncheon and collecting money to get her an awesome promotion gift. She's a very nice and compassionate boss, but sweet isn't what I would use to describe her.

I worked as a temp for about 3 months before that, but we're self-contained and busy, so even though I've known her for 4 or 5 months, I don't know much about her likes and dislikes. So, I'm gonna rattle off everything I know about her and maybe it strikes a chord with someone.

She recently got a Kindle for her birthday and loved it.
She already has a case for it, but it's proven to be shitty.
She has a one year old son.
She drives a Subarau.
She's not a girly girl.
She's 30, married, dog owner.
One of our coworkers recently passed away and she placed a framed black+white photo of this coworker smiling/laughing on her wall to eternally laugh at her. (included for a sense of her humor)
She's very sarcastic.
She's into sex humor, I think.
She watches NCIS.
She doesn't seem to be into crafts.

Please help me! Suggestions are all appreciated. The budget is about $150.

(Oh, and we work in commercial real estate.)

Help me prepare to confront my boss!

Anonymous — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 08:33:55 -0800

I'm going to have a confrontation with my boss. Help me prepare! The other day my boss said some things to me which I thought were unfair. Being me, I didn't really stand up for myself as much as I would have liked to. I'd like to go back to my boss after Christmas with pre-prepared list of things I'd like to say in response to what she said to me. I'd like to list some of those things to you all here and get a sense of whether I'm being reasonable or not, and perhaps refining some of the things I'd like to say.

Background. My boss is the textbook definition of a workaholic. She's not had a holiday in years and is well known for still being in the office at 11pm doing things she thinks need doing.

Me? Not so much of a workaholic. Infact, I've tried very hard to get as good of a work/life balance as I can. This doesn't mean I shirk my duties. Far from it. When I work, I get my work done and I do it to a very high quality. This isn't just me praising myself though. Numerous past bosses, many of our external clients and even my current workaholic boss have all praised my work in the past. Indeed, my boss gave me a pay rise earlier this year in recognition of what I've done and what I do.

So, it was a bit of a surprise when she basically attacked me the other day, and it came right out of the blue. During a conversation where I was giving her a status update on something we were both working on, she suddenly mentioned that next year would be a "whole new game" as far as my responsibilities were concerned and what she expected of me. She said she knows I surf the net a bit (I do, my response in a minute) and she said that next year she won't be expecting me to go home at 5pm anymore. She told me I was here to work and that's what she expects me to do next year.

I was a bit taken a back by this, and I mentioned that me leaving at 5pm (the official end of our working day) was to try and achieve a work/life balance and was also important for public transport (if I don't leave before 5:30pm I don't get home until very late). She said those weren't really excuses. She said our job is not one where you can usually do 9 to 5 . She said when she was at my level, she would often be at work until 8pm. She asked if she was being too hard. Still somewhat in shock, I said no and we sort of left it at that.

There are many things I'd like to have said in my defense, but didn't. I'd like to prepare a list of things in response and I'd like to run the basic arguments past you guys to get your feedback.

1: The internet: I'm willing to cede some ground here and admit I do surf the net a bit while at work. But here's why. I sort of see myself sometimes as the really smart kid at school who gets left behind because he's so far ahead of the rest of the class that he gets bored and mucks up. Relating that to my work situation, I do all my work very quickly (and remember, it gets high praise from my boss, so it's not like I'm cutting corners) and then I'm left with no work to do, sometimes for hours. I'll try and do menial tasks where I can, but there's only so much of that one can do. Which is why, out of boredom, I often turn to the net. So basically the argument I want to present to my boss is "yes, I surf the net, but it's only because I get through my work so quickly." However I will also pledge to scale back my net surfing, since this is the right thing to do.

2: Work Hours: Officially our work day is 9am until 5pm. Unofficially we usually work longer hours than that, with no overtime or time in lieu. Many of my colleagues do work longer than 5pm and my boss definitely does. I try not to. If I've done all my work by 5pm (and as mentioned above, I usually have), I leave. Really, what's the point in staying? Appearances? Fuck that. I want a work/life balance and too many of my colleagues have had burn outs because they didn't get the balance I've been working towards. And with my commuting options, I really do need to leave by 5pm to try and get that balance. If there is work to do though, naturally I'll stay. The other day we had a bit of a crisis at work and I stayed until 7pm because there was work that needed doing. One time I stayed until 3am in the morning working on an urgent task that needed major fixing. Again, I was happy to do this because it needed doing. But staying after 5 when there's no reason to is madness, as far as I'm concerned. I should also mention that I'm usually at work by 7am... well before my workaholic boss and most co-workers, who all tend to get in around 8:30am.

So basically I want to argue that I usually leave at 5pm because I want to achieve a work/life balance and avoid burnout, that I only leave if all my work is done and can't understand what the practical reasons for me staying longer are, and that it's worth noting that I usually put in an extra 1 to 1.5 hours in the morning anyway.

3: General Points In Response: I also just want to come back at her with some general points in response. Like when she said I'm here to work. I thought that was really unfair. I know I'm here to work. That's what I do. That's why you praised the work I do in the past. It's why you gave me a pay raise. Basically I want to tell her that I thought it was unfair for her to say I don't do my job when, clearly, I am doing my job and I'm doing it well.

I'm also thinking of saying that the suddenness of her critique, sprung on me with no warning at all, was poor form. As a boss I suppose she has the right to critique me, but I'd like to have had time to prepare myself for it. I'm on the fence as to whether to include this or not, however. What do you all think?

I'm also thinking of telling her I'm looking for another job. This incident has seriously sullied my perception of the workplace, and of her. The fact that we don't get overtime or time in lieu, plus the fact that I'm sure I could be getting paid far more somewhere else than what I'm getting paid here are all other contributing factors. I think that telling her this during the confrontation may be too bold a move, though. Especially given that I'll probably need her as a reference. Again, your thoughts would be appreciated.

So, will these arguments fly? How can I refine them? Please let me know what you all think. TIA.

What would you like your boss to get you this Christmas?

CrazyLemonade — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 17:59:37 -0800

If you were offered a 500 dollar gift from your boss, what would you ask for? My husband just got told from his boss that he wants to give all the managers a Christmas gift of around 500 dollars. The boss said he wanted to stay away from the sort of things he’d given in the past, like wine baskets and such, and instead wants to give the managers something they’ll like and use, maybe something gadgety. My husband’s one of the managers, so his own wishes are messing up with the list of options to give his boss.

MeFis, if this were you, what’d you like to get? (Most of the managers are between 30 and 45, and male.)

My best friend and wife are fighting. Should I try and mediate or stay out of it?

washateria — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 08:29:36 -0800

My best friend and wife are fighting. Should I try and mediate or stay out of it? My best friend of ten years is a former boss we can call her FormerBoss/Mentor. FormerBoss/Mentor and I have a great deal of common interests and even though she can be a bit prickly we have always gotten along and enjoy each others company.

My wife of five years is a professional house painter and recently did some painting work for my FormerBoss/Mentor. The work was suppose to be only painting, but my FormerBoss/Mentor called my wife and asked her to supervise another person doing work in the house while she was there, be there to let in other workers, etc. This wasn’t part of the work but my wife did everything that was asked. There were also a couple of pictures left out to be hung and a smoke alarm to be installed with a note, saying “would you please…?” and those things were not part of the agreement and my wife did not do those things. During the week the job ended they were to see each other at an event on Friday evening and they established during a phone call that my wife was to get paid for the job that evening. That evening came and my FormerBoss/Mentor said nothing but “Sorry, I forgot my checkbook.”

No other discussion, no thank you for the work. My wife handed her the keys to her house. The next day they saw each other at another event and there was not any discussion of the work or how my wife was to be paid or any thank you for doing the work. On Sunday my girlfriend emailed my FormerBoss/Mentor and said she was hurt, she felt unacknowledged and unappreciated and wanted to know how she was going to get paid. My friend sent an email saying “I had no idea you should have said something I don’t carry my checkbook with me everyday”.

A few days later a check arrived in the mail. There was a housewarming party where my wife chose not to go because she was still really angry with my friend and I didn’t go because something deep inside told me that no matter what I should stand by my wife. My FormerBoss/Mentor called me on Monday and asked why I wasn’t there and I said because she needed to work out this issue with my wife. My friend says she has done nothing wrong and that she has been very good to my wife and my wife won’t accept her part in it, she never provided an invoice. My partner says this has nothing to do with money or an invoice it has to do with acknowledgement and that my FormerBoss/Mentor should have thanked her for the work and acknowledged the job she did, painting + many extras.

I am so upset that they are fighting like this. Should I call my FormerBoss/Mentor and ask her to please just say thank you for the work my wife did so this can be over? Should I try and stay out of it? Before this happened we were all very close almost like family. I think personally that my former boss was upset that my girlfriend didn’t do ALL the extra things she left out for her and that not saying thanks was a small passive aggressive dig at her. Any advice is appreciated. I really don't know if I should try and mediate or stay out of it. I feel as if my water dish has been moved very far away from my bowl. Any thoughts are appreciated.

How to be a good "new boss"

Anonymous — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 14:00:47 -0800

I am your new boss. How can I get our relationship off to a good start? I am starting in a few weeks. I'll be starting work as the "new boss" supervising a current staff member. I'll also be beginning to hire two more staff at that time.

In the meantime, we're going to spend a few hours together next week touring their geographic area. (I just happen to be in town for a conference, so I won't officially be "the new boss" at that point, since I won't be on the payroll yet.)

I would appreciate any suggestions you might have for getting this relationship off to a good start, both during the tour and as I officially begin work. What have past "new bosses" done that particularly worked well for you?

I saw this question and will read this book. What else?

Can I have my cake and eat it too?

Anonymous — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 10:19:42 -0800

Need suggestions for going full to part-time. I need to leave a position but would like to leave an opening for doing part-time work or working again in the future. I'm probably over thinking this one, but why else do we post on askmefi? I've been working as a personal/research assistant for someone for about a year and a half. I do a lot of different things for this person and my job involves a hybrid of skills. For the record, my boss doesn't even live in the same state that I do, and so it makes this position both awesome and really difficult. (Awesome- hardly ever see my boss and have amazing flexibility. Difficult- communication is a constant problem and I don't get the kind of feedback/support I really need. Also isolated (work from home) and confused about expectations for work all the time, and there is a cultural as well as age/gender divide between us.) For a million different reasons, it's time to close shop with the full-time thing and branch out. I'm underpaid, but I stuck it out because of the flexibility, but lately the perks just don't make up for the amount and type of work I'm doing. He doesn't really have the money to give me a raise, and frankly, I'm burned out with being a telecommuting personal assistant. If I could do it part-time or something, that would be great, but I don't know if it's an option.

I've thought about asking for a raise and sticking it, but in my heart I know I need a change and something new. I already have some feelers out with some other people which will probably lead to some other part-time work.
However, I would like to convey to my boss that I'm interested continuing on a part-time basis, or do freelance work once again with him. Basically, I want to have it both ways- I want to leave, but I want to keep a door open.

I don't really know what I want yet, because I'm afraid he'll just kind of drop me if I bring up my ambivalence. How should I best feel him out? Just flat out tell him I need to go part-time? Tell him I'm going back to school or something and I need a different schedule? Does anyone have experience leaving a job while staying involved? (This is a very non-corporate gig with very unclear "rules" so different than other jobs. If I pitch it to him right, I might be able to get what I want, which is work maybe 15-20 hours/ 2 or 3 days a week.

Also, this will be a conversation over the phone, and not in person. So I'm trying to figure out ways to execute this the best way possible, and have a win-win type conversation. Negotiations just kind of scare me, so it's good practice anyway.

Professional FAIL x 2

sidd.darko — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 15:24:45 -0800

I have had two major professional failures in a single week. I would like insight into a couple of aspects. Sordid details inside. 1) I was written up by my current manager for performance and attitude issues. Without going into too much detail, I feel like I am taking a larger share of blame than is fair of the current project's direction. I feel there is some justification to some, but not all of his issues. I have been given 60 days to produce high quality code and a major improved attitude or I lose my job. This is a manager who has given me stellar reviews in the past. I do feel like the work I am doing is very good and there are certain technical aspects beyond my control that have caused problems for our project.

2) I was given an immediate interview by a former employer. The job is in a language that I don't have recent experience in, but it is an enterprise platform and I have been working with a close counterpart. I interviewed with three people and took assessment and thought I did really well. BUT they decided to pass.

I can do some aspects of interviewing very well .. but I often find the technical interviews unnerving. I sometimes have trouble articulating the structure and flow of some of my projects. I experience the occasional whiteboard fear. But I have had success and have been a valuable employee for the few companies I've worked for (including this one) throughout my career. I'm excellent at tracking down problems and finding solutions. This is starting to sound like a cover letter .. sorry.

I'm experiencing somewhat of a professional crisis. I've been a software developer for 14 years and these two events have really blown my confidence. So, I have a couple of questions.

How do I recover my confidence and from the humiliation I feel at being written up? I need to perform well enough to not lose my job when my evaluation period is over. I can do the work, but being there I find interactions with my manager to be uncomfortable.

How can I improve my technical interviewing skills? I know the technology, but I often freeze and stumble when listening to questions.

Thanks for insight.

How do I tell my boss I am job-hunting and need her to speak to an employer?

Anonymous — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 10:08:22 -0800

I am well into the process of interviews for a job in my same industry but about 2,000 miles away. I am in a good job but at a stagnant company and I don't have a lot of clients and must cold call a lot. I need to tell my boss and ask her to be a reference. Help me do it! She is already extremely on edge that people are planning on walking away and up to now I have been the ever-loving employee by not applying for anything in the last ten months. Every time she thinks I am going to do something, she will dress me down, which is very distressing and I am tired of it. I want to go but I need some good points to make when I approach her. She is a bully and I don't want to be pushed over.

I plan to tell her that I will need her to be a reference. Is it good to be so straightforward?

I plan to explain the position I am interviewing for is more of a behind-the-scenes job.

I am currently in a position that requires a lot of public interaction but I have never met any of our top clients. This makes things especially difficult as my boss has stated me to me weekly since I came here that she would like to leave herself.

I feel I have improved recently a lot but still think my leaving would not be a tremendous loss to the organization as in just over a year on the job only a handful of people know who I am and what I do.

I do get worked up over this and I don't want to yell at her during the conversation.

Any tips for telling a hostile boss that you are looking for work would be greatly appreciated.

Help me let my (temporary) boss know that I love my job and want to stay on permanently.

miltoncat — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 08:21:50 -0800

How can I show higher ups at a workplace that I really love it here and want to stay on permanently? I'm doing a temporary job for a public TV Station (freelance, not through a temp agency). I really like the people and activity, and the location is great for me. The job I am doing will end in 1.5 weeks. There is a possibility that something permanent will open up soon.

I want the CEO and other managers to know that I am VERY happy here and would love to stay on if possible. I did email one manager, and he was very receptive.

The CEO is an older man and for someone who runs a TV station, he is something of a Luddite-- he doesn't even have a computer in his office. So email isn't really an option. He does have a mailbox that I can easily access. We have met a few times and he's a nice guy.

Besides doing the best work I can and being a good employee, how can I let the higher ups know how I feel without sounding too brown-nosy or desperate (although I am; I'll be unemployed again when this job ends)? Maybe a thank-you type note in their mailboxes? Mention it when we cross paths, and if so, what do I say?

Need resources on 'peer coaching' at work.

Anonymous — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 07:36:14 -0800

Need resources on 'peer coaching' at work. Been asked to take a stronger leadership role on a global (NA and EU) sales team. My peers and I all report directly to my boss, though my position is the senior of all team members.

My boss' request is to develop a leadership plan for 3rd Quarter 2009 for my team members in order to show that I could one day hold a more senior role... one that they might then report to.

I want to make this a group plan -- one that applies to myself as well as my peers. I want to ensure that I'm not condescending in both the presentation and the content of the plan.

Any suggestions MeFi? Any good articles, links, books I could look to?

Politely communicating that your site needs a total makeover

Anonymous — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 13:29:07 -0800

How does a lowly unpaid blog contributor tell his/her bosses that the whole site needs a major redesign? I've had the privilege of being invited to contribute for my former employer's new blog, and I've been enjoying producing some content on a weekly basis or so as part of a team of 5-6 people. However, their entire content management system is archaic, buggy, and needs a major systematic and aesthetic overhaul. I'm talking no RSS feed, disappearing posts, a comment system that doesn't even allow users to leave their names. Worst of all, I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm the only person involved in this whole project who is tech-savvy enough to be aware of solutions such as Wordpress that could fix this situation (or Drupal, if they wanted to fix their whole site.) And I'm no IT expert myself.

I'm having to balance my distaste (to put it mildly) for the way they're running this new blog with my admiration for the organization in general for allowing me to contribute, as well as my important and delicate professional relationship with them. The main communications/IT person has served as a reference on job applications in the past, and I care very deeply about how these important contacts view me if I end up working in their industry full-time in the future. I just graduated college and lack full-time employment, so I know that having this opportunity is an important privilege and professional and personal relationship I would never want to damage.

I guess this is a question not only as to whether I should or should not say something, but if I should, a question of communication. How can I express that their site, particularly this blog, has such an outdated look and feel that it must be negatively impacting their credibility without sounding like a snooty, ungrateful young upstart? Can I offer to help them redesign their site, or at least get them a Wordpress, without sounding or acting like I know better than they do? Is there a way to avoid the risks and pitfalls of this situation besides shutting up and putting up with this web 0.5 silliness? Similar experiences and suggestions for content management systems or blog hosting sites are also welcome.

throwaway email: helpmefixmyemployersblog@gmail.com

Should I tell my boss that I'm planning to move on?

Anonymous — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 07:10:45 -0800

I'm looking for specific guidance (based on experience or intuition) about whether or not to tell my boss that I am planning a career transition--and whether/how to approach the boss about helping me find a job that will better suit my talents, interest and ambitions. I've known for quite a while that the culture at my firm and my role specifically were not an ideal fit, but now (after 2 years here) I'm ready to do something about it.

I'm actively seeking a new career (ideally consulting non-profit and public sector organizations on policy, management or communications). I'm applying to only the most relevant positions and starting to network to identify firms, positions and people with similar interests.

So the question that just struck me this morning: "What if I networked through my current employer?"

My managing director has made clear that he wants to talk to people who are thinking about leaving in order to help them identify ways to make them happier--here or at another job. And then there's the mere fact of the firm's wide and deep contacts in government, politics and other elite DC circles--which could be valuable resources for making a more efficient transition.

So does anyone have experience with telling a boss that they're planning to leave and/or soliciting a boss's help in networking or identifying a new role outside of the company?

I'm not an attention seeker, I'm depressed

Anonymous — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 18:48:20 -0800

Should I reveal my depression to my co-workers? I've struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life, and began taking meds and getting therapy a couple of years ago.

Throughout my life, I've always put on a happy face to hide my true self. This was partly due to a bad family situation and the shame I felt because of it. As a result, I'm outwardly gregarious, while I feel low down inside. There are times when I fall into a deep funk and withdraw into myself.

I see my psychiatrist twice a month, and haven't told my co-workers why I take an afternoon off every couple of weeks. I keep getting asked why I take time off, but always deflect these questions by saying its a private matter.

Last week, I was in one of my funks and was keeping to myself, which runs counter to my usual habit of going around and talking to everyone. Today, my boss was joking around and said that she and my other co-workers found my moping last week to be very unpleasant and that they thought I was faking to get attention.

I feel bad now because people don't know my internal struggle. I laughed off what my boss said, but it hurt. For so long, I thought my condition was something for weak or damaged people. My boss bringing up the possibility of my faking mopiness brought up some bad feelings.

So, I'm wondering whether I should reveal that I'm seeing a psychiatrist and my struggles with depression. I don't want people to think I'm just trying to get attention when I'm really in a funk. I'm really confused as to what to do.

Any help is much appreciated.

How do you work with an obnoxious Type A boss?

vickyverky — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 20:05:39 -0800

Husband about to quit new job after two weeks because of obnoxious boss. I sympathize, but need advice, please. My husband was laid off from his longtime IT job a year ago. He spent a couple of months enjoying the downtime and recharging his batteries (with my full support), but looking back, he and I probably misjudged the economic climate and the number of IT professionals with similar resumes who also landed out of work at the same time. Now, when he looked for jobs, there just weren't any, and friends at other companies who'd offered leads were themselves getting laid off.

He went into what I'd say was deep depression last fall, but refused to really deal with it. He saw the doctor, was prescribed Wellbutrin, but took them for only four or five days until deciding he didn't like the speedy way they made him feel. (I told him that it would take a while for his body to adjust to them, but he was adamant.)

He is very much a stoic guy who hates to talk about his feelings and hates to admit that situations are getting the better of him. He did allow that he hated not being able to bring any money into the household (although he did collect unemployment and we scraped by with my salary and health insurance). He thinks therapy, psychiatrists, etc. are all hucksters and that people who are depressed are just "in a blue mood."

He was drinking way too much, staying up all night, and just generally not enjoying himself. My suggestion to him was that he should apply for jobs for a certain amount of time each day, treating the search as his job -- and then he would feel better about doing fun stuff afterwards. He did this off and on, but mostly seemed to stay in a depressive funk that I couldn't help shift. (I was also deep in grad school and had to focus on my own hassles at work, but I did my best to be supportive.)

He recently interviewed with a guy who has his own IT company that takes on outsourced work from other sites. They got on well, he was hired, and all seemed good for a week or so.

Then he made a rookie error (he fully cops to it) that messed up access for a lot of people. New Boss absolutely reamed him out over the phone. Husband was shaken, but knew he'd made a mistake. Two other guys also made stupid mistakes the same day, so he thinks New Boss was just exasperated at having to deal with simultaneous problems. In any case, New Boss seemed fine the next day and didn't refer to it.

Husband spent the weekend feeling lousy about having a shouty, Type A boss who is volatile and rude. I know it's no fun to tiptoe around at work, waiting for the next outburst. But my husband is now talking about throwing in the towel, and I am freaked out about what might happen next.

If it were me, I would do my best to quietly fly under New Boss's radar while applying for other jobs, reasoning that it's better to maintain a paycheck while keeping your options open. But it isn't me.

If my husband quits now, he won't get unemployment (he was pretty much timed out already). We have no savings now, although we could pull from our 401(k) if we really had to; we have no credit card debt, but we do have a mortgage that my salary alone won't come close to covering.

I'm also afraid that this will mean that he will be back in the depressive spiral he was in before he got this job. We were both feeling so relieved after he got hired, but now it seems we're back at square one again.

Have any other MeFites been in a similar situation? I'd really appreciate any advice about how to help him, while also stabilizing our financial situation. It's been a pretty fraught year.

How to deal with 'innocent' stereotyping from a coworker?

evadery — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 13:11:47 -0800

How do you deal with ethnic stereotyping from a colleague in the form of innocent questions? I am jewish, and at my job I work with a somewhat religious christian coworker. I am younger (29), she is older (early 40s?), and I am her boss. In all respects we get along very well. She feels very comfortable around me, and we are constantly joking with one another.

However, as our relationship has progressed, she has starting asking me many questions about my religion (an outsider would call me a reform jew, I call myself an athiest who enjoys the familial traditions that come with judiasm; otherwise I say I am "jewish with an emphasis on the 'ish'"). Some are innocent such as Why do Christians do X and Jews do Y (ie: kosher, holidays, etc). But often they veer into odd stereotypical questions (ie: "Is it true that all jews are rich? Alot of people I know say it's true"; "Why do Jews dislike Christians", etc.) I firmly believe that she is asking me in some sort of cross-cultural exchange thing, out of genuine curiosity and a desire to increase her own knowledge, and with absolutely NO malice, ill will, or desire to convert me or anything crazy like that.

I don't want to dissuade her from coming to me and asking me questions, but I want to try and lightly (not heavy-handedly) dissuade her from some of these more stereotypical thoughts. Other than talking to her gently about them, is there anything else I should/could be doing? Or, if talking to her is the way to go, is there any manner in which I should be talking, or anything which I should be saying?

Otherwise, is it totally dangerous to even HAVE these discussions in a work context? If so, how do I politely extricate myself. This course of action is NOT my preferred method, but I'd be willing to listen to arguments as to why it should be.

Note: I have no desire to speak to a supervisor or HR person, get her disciplined, or anything like that. I also don't mind if she asks me these questions, and it doesn't make me uncomfortable (well, maybe a touch, but not nearly enough to ask her to stop). I just want to try to be kind and educate (or if educating is a poor goal in this context, then insert your own suggestion here) while maintaining a cozy work environment. This may not be possible, however...

Thanks!

Tell the boss, or no?

Anonymous — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 12:43:05 -0800

How do you handle a situation where a few of your co-workers -- some of who are above you -- are inefficient, show very little work ethic, disorganized, slow, and generally ineffective in their positions? Do you talk to your boss (who is also their boss) about it, even though it's not really your job to be concerned with this, or do you just keep your mouth shut and hope the boss eventually notices and takes action?

I have a genuine love for the company I work for, and can't help but feel a few people are keeping us from being what we have the potential to be. Up until now, I've combated this by simply doing great work and ignoring what they do or how they work. As a result, I've got a couple promotions with more responsibility, but I'm starting to feel like I should speak up.

Should I? Or should I just continue with my head down doing good work?

My first proper career choice...

Neonshock — Fri, 22 May 2009 02:31:27 -0800

Careerfilter: My first proper career choice... Right now, I work for a very successful multinational company as a temp on wicked money (21k). My job has its highs and lows; I really liked it when I started but since it’s started to drag. I seem to have to support my whole team with me as they are not very technically savvy or quick minded, in a job where these two prerequisites are key. Therefore I spend a lot of my time fighting pointless, avoidable fires. I am not their supervisor.
I’ve been here six months and my immediate boss as well as her boss has had nothing but praise for me, my boss is aware that I’m supporting the team. The latter boss had a chat with me at Xmas and said he would like to help me become a manager within said company and would find a perm position for me as soon as possible. My immediate boss is always letting me know "she has plans for me" and they have mentioned putting me on the graduate programme several times. Unfortunately you have to be a card-carrying perm employee rather than a temp to be eligible...
So this perm position came up, one of the team is leaving, and of course they have begged me to apply.
My concern is, they have told me that I will have to take a pay cut from my cushy temp money, I haven’t had the figure yet but I know that some of my colleagues are getting 17-18k. I understand I get some nice benefits if I work for this company as a perm, but I don’t know how long I can take it in this role. I would love to learn to be a manager and think its a great opportunity for me at such a young age (23) and in such promising company. However, they have also given me no indication of how long I will have to stay in this role i'm applying for before I can start training. Are they blowing smoke? Id likes to think not as the company has good values and my managers are great. I really like my bosses, the people and would rather stay at this job, but I can see the money being a sticking point.
I guess my question is what to do? Or how can I negotiate the best deal from my company within a workable time frame? Do I get the job and then negotiate? Or do I start applying for other jobs?
Which is more worthwhile in your opinion?

Unsure as to how I should proceed.

Anonymous — Thu, 21 May 2009 14:14:31 -0800

The place I work may be going under. What should I do? I work as an attorney and the managing partner had all of us attorneys in a meeting yesterday. He told us that the firm is basically out of money and that he's worried about making payroll next week. We have 10 attorneys and 2 partners here, so it's a small firm.

I like the work environment here, and the partners are generous (to a fault, it seems). The main partner is a bit oafish and I think he may be putting his head in the sand as to how bad things really are. The other partner is bad about collecting his accounts receivable, which is probably the main reason the firm is in this mess.

I'm already looking for another job, but what do I do if this place does actually go under? There is work to be done and clients whose problems won't go away.

Do I stay on in the hopes I may get paid down the line, or do I just jump ship and leave all the work for others to do?

Dealing with the boss

page123 — Fri, 08 May 2009 16:51:05 -0800

How do you deal with the boss who is intimidated by you as new employee and she is manipulating others to push you out?

Stopping Niagara

ocherdraco — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 14:39:39 -0800

Help me be a better gatekeeper for my boss. My boss is the head of the American division of our company (a book publisher). All kinds of people constantly want a piece of him. Lately, things have gotten out of hand—he's constantly in meetings, phone messages are piling up for him by the bucketful, and mail pours into his office in a frightful way.

I've spoken to him about what I can do to choke the flow so he can better accomplish what he needs to do, but he's not the best delegator, and hasn't been able to give me much guidance.

Here's what I do already:

If it's a question I can answer, I answer it.
If I can't, but I know someone besides my boss can, I divert the call.
If a manuscript is unsolicited, I return it unread or toss it if there's no return envelope (sorry slush authors—I feel for you, but there aren't enough hours in the day)
Anything that remotely looks like junkmail, I toss.

It's clear, however, that this isn't enough. My boss keeps his own calendar, so I can't schedule in a period of empty work time for him, and he answers his own phone unless he's on the other line or not at his desk (in which case I answer).

What strategies I can employ to help give him the time he needs to get his work done?

So I'm Giving My Boss Zip-Ties for his Birthday...

Smarson — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 10:25:52 -0800

Boss's Birthday meets Traveling Work Bag Essentials Filter: I need to give my boss something more than just a handful of zip-ties...help Here's the deal, my boss's birthday is coming up and he hates it. Primarily because he can't stand useless gifts & cards. He is always appreciative of them, but secretly loathes their non-functional place in this world. This only hints at the underlying inferno of efficiency that consumes this man's life. He is almost certainly the living embodiment of productivity. He also travels constantly and anything that can't fit into his work bag is dead to him.

On the rare occasions that he has enough free time to chat we've spoken about our mutual tendency to carry everything we could ever need in our work bags. Electrical chargers, ear phones, kleenex, cough drops, bus schedules, etc., etc. Today I brought up the fact that I keep half-a-dozen zip ties of varying lengths/sizes in my bag since they take up almost no space and can come in super handy in a pinch. I could tell he made a mental note to pick some up and that's when I had my idea for a birthday gift -- things he can add to his work/travel bag. Obviously I need something more than zip ties though.

Lifehacker had some great articles on "go bags," but what I need are things streamlined for air travel. Also, he is all about function over form so pricey travel gadgets from SkyMall are out.

Any and all suggestions welcome.

Some more background on my boss:

*He used to participate in half-iron man competitions
*He is the epitome of "all business, all the time"
*He often gets labeled as a jackass since he doesn't have time for bullshit and is more apt to bypass all social niceties and cut straight to the point
*We're on great terms, but he scares the ever living crap out of me

Help me 'get' my boss...

kitcat — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 18:19:25 -0800

I started a new job this week and my new (female) boss is very reserved, very aloof and, well, cold. What’s my cue here? How do I (also female) interact with her and what faux pas should I avoid? More details:
She is a very busy project manager with a lot on her plate. Her affect likely has a lot to do with the demands of her job.
We sit in neighboring cubicles, so I’m next to her for a good portion of the day. She is not in any way unkind and I don’t believe this has anything to do with me personally or my position in relation to her.

Nevertheless, not knowing how she wants to be treated (not warmly, I assume) and not understanding the meaning of the stiff, formal way she is treating me is making me feel anxious and utterly neurotic! Please help. I need to concentrate my attention on doing my job, not on over-analyzing her personality and how I should relate to it.

I accidentally saw porn on my boss's computer, now what?

Anonymous — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 12:30:30 -0800

I accidentally saw porn on my boss's computer, now what? I'm a 25 year-old female who has been working at my company for 7 months. A couple of days ago I walked into my boss's (middle aged man) office to ask him a question about a project he gave me. For a split second I saw what was on his computer screen, which was later discovered to be an online hook-up site for gay men with explicit profiles. He quickly minimized the window on computer, and I am sure he doesn't know what I saw. Upon entering his office again about an hour later, the same scenario happened. To confirm my suspicion I went into the office the next day and checked the history on that computer. I do have full access to this computer and he has full access to mine, as we have to share files for our research. I did not go to any of these sites; I just checked the browser history. My suspicion of the site I saw was confirmed. And then I saw about 10 more explicit sites in the history, mostly geared toward gay men. All of these sites were accessed during work hours. I brought in my camera and took a screen shot of what I saw on the history as evidence. Mainly because the people at my boss's boss's office know absolutely nothing about computers. It is a small company with no IT personnel. My boss manages our network in our laboratory, so I know he would erase everything if he wanted to.

What my boss does in his free time is his own business. That is fine. I have nothing against someone who has a different lifestyle than mine. My problem with discovering it has made me question his ability to make an ethical decision when it comes to the work we do on a daily basis. I believe in my heart that this will harm our company at some point. If this information got to the public, it could devastate this company and the doctors who own it.

Some background: I work in a small office (no HR, no handbooks, no office policy on computer usage, and no IT department) with one other person, my boss. We work in a research lab that supports a medical doctor's practice. He has a wife and kids. Our research field is one of those where your reputation is very important. Everyone around the country in this field basically knows each other.

The way I see it, I have a couple of options:

(1)Say nothing. This is what I have been doing so far because I fear my other options right now. I am looking for a new job and want to get out of here ASAP, but the market stinks. There is no way I can work for someone who I do not respect or trust. I am considering saying something to his boss when I leave the company or just keeping quiet.
(2)Say something to his boss (the doctors in the practice): This is where I get really nervous because he will definitely know it was me that told on him. I do want to say something because I know it's the right thing to do. Are they going to fire me for being a tattle tale? And then give me a terrible reputation in this field? Are they going to make him resign? If he resigns, or gets fired, our research cannot be conducted and therefore, I have no job. Filling his position would be costly, and might take quite some time. Plus the doctor's practice would probably go under. My worst nightmare is that they give him a warning. I cannot afford to leave my job right now, but there is NO way I would be able to work with him. He will know I was the one who found this, as I am the only one who works with him in the office. I also fear for my safety if I do take this route. I mean, he knows where I live. I am posting this anon, for obvious reasons.

I feel like any route I take is going to be terrible, and I am going to lose my job. I've looked for other jobs and the market sucks. I feel this is not fair, because I wasn't the one who decided to look at gay p0rn during work. I really liked my job until this happened.

What would you do in this situation? Have any of you had to deal with this before? Or similar sexual harassment? What did your company do? Did you get a lawyer? Did you talk to the person? Throw away email whyismybosssostupid@gmail.com